Why I Don't Date Anymore

Updated on June 17, 2019
TessSchlesinger profile image

Tessa Schlesinger developed an interest in human behaviour and ethics while studying anthropology at the University of South Africa in 1975.

Old People Don't Date Much...

I stopped dating a while ago. Curiously, despite the fact that I’m now an ‘older woman,’ this has not stopped men from asking me out. When I decline, I’m generally asked why. It's not just one simple reason, but rather a combination of personal experiences and environmental factors; i.e., fewer single people as one grows older and more difficult to meet suitable potential partners. That said, older people do marry, and romance is alive and kicking for many people. So why do some decide not to date anymore?

But When They Do Date, They May Get Married!

Yes, you can wear a white wedding dress, a stunning bit of glitterati, or even a smart suit. Up to you!
Yes, you can wear a white wedding dress, a stunning bit of glitterati, or even a smart suit. Up to you! | Source

General Decision Not to Date Anymore

It seems that enough people decide not to date at a certain point in their lives to make it 'normal.' There is both tragedy and freedom in this. The tragedy comes when the decision not to date is based on the fear of further hurt rather than a big yes to more life!

Why I Don't Date Anymore

 
 
 
Too many bad experiences
Dating is expensive
Friendship provides needed emotional support
Other interests and obligations take up time
Sex with older bodies isn't as appealing
There are better returns on investments
Too difficult to find someone
 
 

There Are Many More Women Than Men

When there are three single women for every man, unless one is a phenomenal woman, the competition is simply too much. The degree of time and energy it takes to snare a man (and then one will probably have to settle for the kind of man where he doesn't bring an equal amount to the table) simply isn't worth the investment where there are other options to consider. Marriage isn't the only thing in life that brings happiness.

When there are more women than men, it allows men to misbehave and get away with it.
When there are more women than men, it allows men to misbehave and get away with it. | Source

I've Had Too Many Bad Experiences With Men

To me, the only reason for dating was marriage. I might have been mistaken there, but it was the 1960s and I lived in South Africa. I was shocked when people weren't married by nineteen.

Being somewhat ignorant as a result of a very sheltered environment, having an absent father, going to all girls' boarding schools for a dozen years, and having a learning disability which limited my social understanding, I had no idea that men did not look at dating in the same way. So I generally asked about marriage almost immediately. I kid you not. The rest was history.

In any event, by the time I was 25, I just gave up. Nobody wanted to marry me.

I did develop a crush on one person (school days) and fall heavily in love with another. Neither even got off the ground. All my fault. I just didn't get it.

Those two experiences were painful, but they did not put me off men. What confused me initially and made me angry eventually were the perpetual lies that so many men kept telling me.

They would lie about their income, their past, their interest in me, their achievements or lack thereof, about dating other women, about being married, and more.

Was I mistaken? It appears not.Apparently, 61% of people lie on their first date. Different studies show that between 50% and 80% of the information exchanged on dates are lies.

According to a survey of 5,000 members of MillionareMatch.com, 83% of divorced men would consider marriage in the next five years, while only 32% of divorced women would do the same.
According to a survey of 5,000 members of MillionareMatch.com, 83% of divorced men would consider marriage in the next five years, while only 32% of divorced women would do the same. | Source

Even Small Lies Lead to Mistrust

The biggest lie that got to me and finally turned me off for life was the one where someone asked me out, I told them I wasn't interested, and then they told me they just wanted to be friends. I love friends, so I would be quite excited about that. In 1995, however, three different guys, all of whom 'just wanted to be friends' turned out to want everything but. It was the last time I believed any man 'just wanted to be friends.' And it affected my ability to be friends with men because I no longer trusted them after that.

There are differing opinions on whether men and women can be friends, but I think studies bear out that while women can be 'just friends,' men not so. To quote from Scientific American, "The results suggest large gender differences in how men and women experience opposite-sex friendships. Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa. Men were also more likely than women to think that their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them—a clearly misguided belief."

Moi! In My Many Incarnations

Tessa Schlesinger
Tessa Schlesinger

Why Men Don't Date Anymore

Generally, for the most part, men continue to date more frequently than women do. However, there are those who don't.

The dominant reason tends to be extreme disillusionment with women, most having being financially hurt. As with the experience of many women hearing lies from men, so many men have experienced lies from women. A newspaper article revealed that 37% of women lied about their age while 29% of men lied about their income.

Men also deeply resent having to part with their 'hard earned money' when there are divorces. For some, this is sufficient discouragement never to take a woman seriously again. To quote from The Simple Dollar, "The most common reason given for men not to get married is that the financial outcome of divorce proceedings is seen to be unfair."

So the reasons some men reach a point where they don't date anymore are similar to those of women—generally too many negative experiences with the opposite sex.

Too Many Other Commitments and Interests

As we get older, we take on more and more commitments. Sometimes these simply do not leave room for dating. Here are some of the reasons:

  • Single parenting is a full-time job, especially if one is also working. One is simply too tired to go out.
  • One loses confidence in one's appearance. A 50-year-old body is not the same as an 18-year-old body. Who wants someone to gaze at one's cellulite or pot belly?
  • The energy of youth disappears. We become more and more tired more and more quickly. Where once we could work all day, then party most of the night and be up for work the following morning, that doesn't work that way (much) after 40.
  • It's impossibly difficult to meet new people, and dating sites tend not to work the older one gets.
  • If one has risen in one's career, it sometimes takes up all one's waking hours and, again, there simply isn't time for a dating life. That includes business travel which can exhaust one.
  • The cost of dating is quite high. Appropriate clothing to go to the theatre, a bathing suit that flatters, jeans that hide the worst of body sins—they all add up. Sometimes people simply don't have sufficient discretionary income to take on dating. To quote from The Guardian, "While a few traditionalists still prefer dinner and a movie, for others figuring out how to pay for a date (sometimes on a salary of $25,000 a year or less) was a frequent source of anxiety."

Have you given up dating?

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Friendship Provides Emotional Support

  • At a certain level of maturity, most people no longer need others as much as they used to when they were younger. They become emotionally independent and so long as they have a few close friends, it works for them. Perhaps it's just that if one has been alone for a long time, one becomes accustomed to it and doesn't need someone else anymore.
  • Sex drive becomes less powerful although it doesn't disappear completely for most people. It's more that if one's libido is only occasional, a shower or a slice of chocolate cake may make the problem go away.
  • There may be better returns on investment than dating. For instance, as one grows older and the children have left home, money becomes more available. Rather than spending money on dating, dinner, and dress, a three-day cruise might be more tempting.
  • It's a numbers game. There simply isn't someone for everyone. In some places, there are more men than women, and in other places there are more women than men. Plus the more different one is, the more difficult it is to find compatible people. Looking for a needle in a haystack isn't appealing! According to Sara Arber, co-director of the Centre for Research on Ageing and Gender at the University of Surrey, "For a woman over 65, there is a 10,000 to one chance of marriage, and for a man the odds fall to a thousand to one."

Lots to Do: Cruises, Book Clubs, Dancing, Etc.

Many older people get together with friends to take cruises which have been marked down and spend happy times in this way. They also attend tea dances plus join dance studios to both learn dancing and socialize. Book clubs, learning new skills, meeting friends for coffee all keep people who don't date busy. Some even write online!

Comments

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  • Foolise profile image

    Elise 

    6 weeks ago from Melbourne

    I'm really enjoying your content, but I can't follow until I'm verified. Soon I hope. Keep on writing great articles Tessa! You're so entertaining.

  • TessSchlesinger profile imageAUTHOR

    Tessa Schlesinger 

    4 months ago from South Africa

    Startybartfast, people who want to date but can't find a date are at fault somewhere. I can find as many dates as I want to. No problem. I'm just not interested in associating with men who because there is nothing in it for me.

  • Slartybartfast profile image

    Slartybartfast 

    4 months ago

    Clearly I haven't done a good job getting my points across as you seem to understand none of them .

    I'll leave you to your blog.

    Nice chatting with you.

  • TessSchlesinger profile imageAUTHOR

    Tessa Schlesinger 

    4 months ago from South Africa

    ??? No, I didn't misunderstand anything of what you are saying. I merely quoted articles that indicate that women are not as interested in sex as you hinted at when you said that if you didn't provide sex to a woman, she would be upset because she would think you found her unattractive. Bs comment.

    It's fine not to date anymore because it really is difficult to find people who share our values. I understand that.

  • Slartybartfast profile image

    Slartybartfast 

    4 months ago

    I think you misunderstood some of what I was saying.

    First I have zero trouble meeting and talking to women. In fact a few years ago I was taking some classes at a university and a friend noted my study group consisted of some of the most attractive women on campus. One is now a full time model.

    Second, I tend to go for the nerdy girl next door over the high maintenance model.

    Third, you keep twisting what I'm saying to sex.

    I care very very little for sex and have been celibate for nearly twenty years.

  • TessSchlesinger profile imageAUTHOR

    Tessa Schlesinger 

    4 months ago from South Africa

    Let’s go back to point 7. I didn’t say that men didn’t find women attractive. I said that research showed that men thought themselves more attractive to women than women thought they were. Your point confirms what I said, i.e. women don’t find many men attractive.

    Yes, we have had very different life experiences. That is the reason I shared my life experience.

    With regard to being beaten, I can definitely share that experience. I still have scars from being beaten – whipped with a dogstrap with studs – so much so that I would arrive at school with 2” x 4” bruises across my body. I also had to fight off knife attacks, etc – from my mother. In the first 40 years of my life, I had the kind of traumatic events that should have put me in a psychiatric home for life – but didn’t. I had those experiences every single day.

    So, yes, I was reading between 2 and 4 books a day throughout my school days. During my working life, I read 4 or 5 books a week. Now that I’m retired, I read a book a day. In my youth, I could read 500 pages an hour (read – not scan), but I still read for 4 or 5 hours every day of my life. My IQ was measured at 165. In my mid—40s, I was turned down for a job on the basis that I had the highest creativity score they had seen in their 30 year history, and I would get bored. I was then sent to another doctor and sat a 5 hour test designed at Harvard. I did it in an hour and was told I was off-the-graph, and people like me were ‘very, very clever.’ I was told I fitted all the ‘rare skills boxes’, etc.

    I am attuned to other people’s feelings. I just didn’t understand their social behaviour. I didn’t realize people lied or that their behaviour was a result of being taught they weren’t allowed to show what they really felt. It didn’t make sense to me. As someone who is on the spectrum, let me share this with you. Very, very little is known about us. I have had two psychologists tell me that I taught them a lot!

    Firstly, I couldn’t communicate verbally what I felt or put into verbal words what I thought. Nor could I always understand what people were saying to me verbally. So I was really quiet. I didn’t communicate with others. I didn’t have the ability to do so. That did not mean I didn’t observe.

    When one is autistic, it is different for everybody. Parts of our brain don’t work, and when people like my daughter teach us, we learn to reroute the paths of our brain.

    If you’re highly sensitive to other people’s feelings, why aren’t you connecting to other people? Or are you projecting your own sensitivity onto other people, and you’re imagining they feel like that. It is the easiest thing in the world (now that I know how people function) to read someone and connect with them. This is not rocket science, and if you can do that, then you should have no problem finding a woman a date. I don’t understand that.

    From my experience with men, I find them incredibly unaware when it comes to women. They actually don’t know how to connect with women. A lot of that has to do with the fact that they don’t get that women can connect both platonically and romantically. Men appear only to want to connect romantically with women. Men cannot tell when a women is interested in them romantically and when they ‘just want to be friends.’

    I never said that men look at women only for sex. I said “This means men need to stop looking to women primarily for sex.” You just confirmed that you wouldn’t go out with a woman who didn’t provide sex. And, sorry, women do NOT value sex to the same degree that men do. About 10% of women have the same level of sex drive that women do. That’s about it. A lot of women would rather read a book than have sex.

    https://www.health24.com/Sex/Relationships/why-men...

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/married-an...

    https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/...

    https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/02/...

    So here’s the thing. A man may well want emotional connection as well as sex, a family, etc. But he doesn’t want those things without sex. Sex is very, very important to a man. It’s simply not that important to a woman, and if you believe that, then you haven’t read sufficient studies.

    I’m not sure what you mean by “If all I wanted was sex, I wouldn’t be single.”

    You say “In fact I would choose a completely celibate relationship with someone I loved with the most beautiful woman in the world.” Yup. Beauty is an amazing attractor, isn’t it. You might want to read my book, https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/891050

    It talks about ‘attractors,’ and how they draw people to you.

    Beauty is an incredible attractor. Men want beauty. Women prefer a good looking man to money. Men like Antonia Banderas, Brad Pitt, Pierce Brosnan draw women for a reason. We are all attracted to looks.

    Unfortunately, only 1% or 2% of men and women have that level of looks. And, equally unfortunately, the other 98% of humanity want to be in a relationship with someone with those kind of looks as well. Someone will really need to speak to the non-existent God about his design skills.

    You say “Can you imagine how hurt she would be when I told her I didn't find her at all attractive? Ouch!” Actually, it’s enough just to tell a woman she looks beautiful. She doesn’t need you to sleep with her. If she is drawn to you, things might happen. If not, she’ll thank you, feel good about herself, and forget about you.

    So let’s go right back to the beginning – about how men find it difficult to get a date.

    1. Stop looking for beautiful, attractive women. There are only a few around, and unless you’re rich, equally fantastic looking, etc. it’s not going to happen. If you have a problem with the way you look, please speak to your parents (their DNA) and/or the non-existent God who gave you your looks.

    2. When one lives in an extremely competitive dog-eat-dog society, women compete with each other for good-looking, rich men, and men compete with each other for beautiful women. The problem with highly competitive societies is that they become very stressful, and there are only a few winners. Sorry, I can’t help you there. I suppose the ease of dating depends, to some degree, on where you live.

    3. Figure out why you can’t get a date. If you can’t get a date with someone you consider to be unattractive, then perhaps there is something about yourself that you’re not seeing. For the most part, however, I think men see beautiful women in movies, on the screen, etc., and that’s what they want. There aren’t enough to go around, and women beautiful women won’t go out with men who aren’t extraordinary.

  • Slartybartfast profile image

    Slartybartfast 

    4 months ago

    It's obvious we have completely different life experiences.

    I was raised by a single mother on welfare, we moved constantly so I attended a dozen or so schools before I went to college.

    In fact I was one of only a handful of white students in my high school and have been beaten bloody so many times I've lost count.

    I have an almost edict memory and taught myself to program when I was ten. I've read over a thousand books in the last five years alone.

    I'm almost the opposite of Asperger's in that I'm highly sensitive to others feelings which isn't a good trait for a man in the dating world although I'm very outgoing.

    I have looked up the data and from studies I can only say your point #7 is hilariously wrong. In fact when men grade women's attractiveness it looks like a normalized bell curve. In fact men find around 85% of women in their 20s attractive while women only judge 20% of men as such. This makes sense from an evolutionary perspective.

    As for men wanting only sex, I can see how a women cone to that false assumption.

    If all I wanted was sex I wouldn't be single.

    In fact I would choose a completely celibate relationship with someone I loved with the most beautiful woman in the world. However I know that women also want sex, sine more than I do. I wouldn't date a person I didn't want to have sex with for a very good reason.

    Can you imagine how hurt she would be when I told her I didn't find her at all attractive ? Ouch!

    Fortunately like most men I find most women are attractive.

  • TessSchlesinger profile imageAUTHOR

    Tessa Schlesinger 

    4 months ago from South Africa

    Guys, here's the thing. I got asked out for several reasons.

    1.) I was considered one of the most beautiful women in the world. I was stopped on the streets by men and women 30 or 40 tmes a day to be told I was stunningly beautiful.

    2. I came from an well-known family, went to a top-notch private school, had all the airs and graces, was well dressed, and well known as a result of both my schooling and my parents.

    3. I never knew any of the guys who asked me out. They just phoned me because they saw my picture or they saw me with others, etc. I didn't even think to ask them where they got my phone number. I always said yes, because, in those days, a girl always did say yes when I guy asked her out. It was considered manners. Just like you weren't supposed to say no when a guy asked you to dance.

    4 I never spoke one word to any of the guys I was out with because I didn't realize that I was supposed to speak. I had the social understanding of a 5 year old. I have Aspergers. I was 25 at the time.

    5. Here's the thing. All these guys were asking me out based solely o my looks. They didn't know a thing about me. They hadn't gotten to know me. Now whose at fault here? Aren't looks supposed to be skin deep? Why don't men want women who aren't attractive?

    6. I know many women who have never been asked out. They desperately want to be asked out. Why don't they get asked out? They are fat, don't dress well, etc. Now why don't men ask them out? I'll tell you why. Because men, like women, have an elevated idea of what it is they can attain, and what it is they want. Here's the bottom line - you can only get a partner that is about the same level as you are. Every single bit of research shows that.

    7 Research also shows something else - the majority of men see themselves as far better looking than they are. They see themselves as attractive, but women don't see them as attractive. So if you're battling to find women, then you might be looking for women that are out of your league. I certainly wouldn't expect Antonio Banderas or Brad Pitt to ask me out.

    8. I think there are a lot of women who have just as much of an opinion of themselves. They think they're entitled to wealth, protection, to be treated as a goddess, etc. I always think that they haven't suffered enough. However, I blame the gurus who teach women that men shoudl treat them like goddesses.

    9. In my opinion, both men and women should see each other as human beings first, and gender should only come into it once they have respect and like each other as people. This means men need to stop looking to women primarily for sex. And it means women should stop looking to men for money and status. It seems to be the exception, however, that men and women see the opposite gender as a human before they note the gender. They can't seem to help themselves.

    10.I would never lower my standards if I were seeking a partner. I know I would never be happy with someone who didn't bring to the table the same kind of things that I brought to the table. What I would not do was look for someone who brought more to the table than I did. And this seems to be what is happening here. Both men and women want more than they are able to offer in return.

    11. I wouldn't touch any man on Tinder, OkCupid, Match. com (in my age range) with a ten foot pool barge pole. They're either uneducated scammers, or, for reasons beyond me, don't have half the education and knowledge that I have. It stuns me that I state that I am only interested in atheists, humanists, progressives, that they must have a European passport as I'm going back to Europe at some point. What I get are people who have barely passed high school, are Christians (that blows my mind), are 'passionately interested' in God. It stuns mme that despite my profile stating that if one believes in God, it's a dealbreaker. They still write... Why? Are looks so important to men?

    12 I have never in my entire life treated a man badly. Nor have I ever asked him for money, gifts, etc. I am an easy date. I don't care where you take me. I will basically have coffee with anyone. However, I am quite clear that while I'm happy to be friends, that's as far as it goes. I am NOT connecting with someone who is less intelligent, less educated, hasn't looked after themselves, etc. I don't make demands on me. I don't make demands on anyone. I think it's evil to make demands on people. Then, again, I don't need anyone. I'm self-sufficient.

    13.In the end, it comes down to this. Either one is at the same level of attractiveness and offers about a similar level of qualitis, or one is going to go without.

  • Slartybartfast profile image

    Slartybartfast 

    4 months ago

    I can't even imagine having dates with so many people. I think I've been on five in my lifetime.

    It's amazing how much different the experience of men vs women. I can't imagine having a choice like that. Like who should I go out with.

    For me that's like listening to someone talk about the make and model of private jet they're going to buy, then complaining about the carpet.

  • Slartybartfast profile image

    Slartybartfast 

    4 months ago

    Tessa, I'm with cackus.

    I gave up on women about fifteen years ago. To much work even to get a simple coffee date. I'm not looking to sleep around and frankly I avoid women who do.

    I just got to the point where the costs and risks of even approaching women exceeded the rewards.

    I used to hope some nice woman would simply ask me out. I know in the USA it's pretty uncommon but it does happen. After a few years I stopped hoping.

    Now that I'm 40 there are very few women I would be interested in. Most have had children already (I wanted kids) many have had way way to many partners. Very few keep themselves fit, obesity in the USA is everywhere.

    So I stopped asking and at least where I live men not only need to work hard at dating to succeed they must compete be with many other guys for the rare female which is just not my style.

    As my friend says, she's got ten guys waiting on tinder for her, she can treat you like crap and have a date tomorrow while you spend the next six months just to have the privilege of paying for her dinner.

  • TessSchlesinger profile imageAUTHOR

    Tessa Schlesinger 

    4 months ago from South Africa

    Cackus. How very interesting. :)

    Personally, I recall when I was 24 that for 18 months solid, I had a date every single night with a different guy. Sometimes, my diary was so full that I would ask to be hoem at 10 pm, then meet another guy at 10.30 pm.

    Why. Well, if you look at photos of me when I was young, it's probably self-explanatory.

    In all that time, I never met a single man who I connected with. And the fault was all mine!

    I never made any demands on any of them. I have never made any demands on any man I have ever met.

    In America, however, women have been taught that they must be treated like goddesses, and that if they aren't, then the men don't respect them. America has a very weird dating culture. It took me about 3 months after arriving in the States to realize there was something very wrong with the way men and women connected there. I was appalled to be constantly asked within 30 or 40 minutes of meeting (sometimes earlier) whether I was a first date or third date girl. Wow! And the vulgarity of talking about sex! Wow.

    So, no, I know absolutely nothing about how difficult so many men find it to find dates.

    I do know that I would never go out with a man who wasn't well educated (and that doesn't mean a qualification), hadn't traveled the world, and wasn't in good physical condition. Why would I? He must bring as much to the table as I do.

    Most men think they are attractive, and beause here is't a picture of you, I cannot determine if you are attractive. But attractive men do get dates. Being attractive is not wholly a physical thing. It is a character thing. It is when a man speaks to a woman as if she is HUMAN, not a speccific GENDER!

    I truly cannot conceive that anyone would take 6 months to a year to find a date online and then be willing to spend $1000 on a date. I would tell her to go jump in the lake.

    I'm also not sure where you get your figures and what age group you are talking about, but why don't you go to a dance school and learn to dance (Lindy, jitterbug, waltz, salsa, etc.) When I used to go dancing at dancing schools for the socials, I used to meet many men, and people used to hang out all the time.

    In Ireland and the UK, people dont' really date. They meet others in pubs, etc. It is a very different culture to the American dating one.

    Are there rules? Why would there be rules?

    II really don't get it.

    The reason why women think men are all the same is that they all want sex. I once spoke to a woman who owned a dating agency/club. She said that the women always moaned becausee the men wanted sex, and they gave it because if they didn't, the men would go elsewhere.

    One of the biggest reasons I stay away from men is because they want sex. I'm quite happy to go out with men just for the company. But sex? No. Not interested. A surprising number of women aren't, but they won't say that because it will cost them dates.

  • profile image

    Cackus 

    4 months ago

    Tessa, from your conversation with David I would have to conclude you are clueless as to the difference in the experience of men vs women in the dating world.

    I'm tall, fit and attractive and I gave up dating at 30 because of how rediculously hard dating has become.

    The rules are unknowable, and frankly it's just not worth the amount I of time it taks just to get one platonic date. It's also rediculously expensive to comply with the over the top demands.

    My last date decided she didn't like my choice of restaurants so we went to one she wanted.

    The tip was close to $200 the total cost of the date was $1100.

    It took six months of an hour or more a day online. Dating for a man is a lot of time, work and money. Lots and lots of money.

    All so she could tell me it was a mistake and she was getting back with her ex.

    1% if men hit on anything with a pulse. I think this is why women think men are all like that one guy as he is the one they all meet.

    %50 of guys ask one women out a year.

    The rest don't ask, ever.

  • TessSchlesinger profile imageAUTHOR

    Tessa Schlesinger 

    5 months ago from South Africa

    David Davies. There are some contradictions in your missive.

    1. If you've had to try that hard to get a date, you're not particularly attractive to woman. It happens. The birth lottery makes us all very unequal.

    2. There are a lot of men who assume that if a woman speaks to them, then they must be interested. So they touch or hit on the woman in some way. Many men have told me through the years that it took them well into their 60s to realize that sometimes a woman is just talking to you the way they talk to a female friend. It doesn't mean they are interested in you. And if you touch them when they are not interested, it is harassment. Men should take the time to learn how women work.

    3. Yes, women are interested in a man having money. After all, once a woman has children, she is limited in earning financially. Therefore how much money the male has is vitally important. It has always been that way. By the same token, men have always been interested in beautiful women. Ugly women don't stand a chance with a rich or goodlooking man. It works both ways. Men and women just want different things. To want looks is quite shallow, don't you think?

    4. I'm sorry, but you must be living on another planet. A handshake does not get you into jail. That's Trump talking. He's an orange buffoon and he takes advantage of people's bitterness and ignorance. Basically men have no right to touch a woman until and unless she gives permission to do so. If you don't know how to read that permission, the onus is on you.

    5. A decent gentleman? Maybe. Maybe not. Decent gentleman don't touch woman without permission.

  • TessSchlesinger profile imageAUTHOR

    Tessa Schlesinger 

    5 months ago from South Africa

    David Davies. There are some contradictions in your missive.

    1. If you've had to try that hard to get a date, you're not particularly attractive to woman. It happens. The birth lottery makes us all very unequal.

    2. There are a lot of men who assume that if a woman speaks to them, then they must be interested. So they touch or hit on the woman in some way. Many men have told me through the years that it took them well into their 60s to realize that sometimes a woman is just talking to you the way they talk to a female friend. It doesn't mean they are interested in you. And if you touch them when they are not interested, it is harassment. Men should take the time to learn how women work.

    3. Yes, women are interested in a man having money. After all, once a woman has children, she is limited in earning financially. Therefore how much money the male has is vitally important. It has always been that way. By the same token, men have always been interested in beautiful women. Ugly women don't stand a chance with a rich or goodlooking man. It works both ways. Men and women just want different things. To want looks is quite shallow, don't you think?

    4. I'm sorry, but you must be living on another planet. A handshake does not get you into jail. That's Trump talking. He's an orange buffoon and he takes advantage of people's bitterness and ignorance. Basically men have no right to touch a woman until and unless she gives permission to do so. If you don't know how to read that permission, the onus is on you.

    5. A decent gentleman? Maybe. Maybe not. Decent gentleman don't touch woman without permission.

  • profile image

    David Davies 

    5 months ago

    The reason I gave up dating? Im 56yo and called it quits in 1990. Up to that point I tried EVERY idea, venue, idea to obtain a date. Then as now(2019) with women its been all about how many "Benjimans" one can get ahold of, "body part size", and the biggest dealbreaker??? AGE!! That big, bad number. Nowdays I have endured age discrimination, in some real nasty ways. Crass comments, called a pervert, etc.

    But the thing that would scare me the most ""if"" I wanted to date??? This claiming "sexual harassment" if a guy even looks at, talks to or even remotely touches her in any way. Even a handshake can get one thrown in jail now. Ive been alone, basically a hermit since 1987. I dont care if I die alone. Women and this "new power statement" they have and can use against a guy scares me to death. Thats why 32yrs WITHOUT female interaction. I wont look at, acknowledge, address, talk on phone, in person, deal with in public, NOTHING having to do with them at all. Havent been out on a weekend night for 32yrs. Im too damned scared of going to jail. The power of verbal cry of "sexual harassment" TERRIFIES THE LIFE OUT OF ME!!! I was never picky about the kind of lady/girl I was looking for. But now, Ive got less than zero interest in anybody female.

    I LIKE MY FREEDOM. I DONT WANT TO SPEND YEARS IN JAIL BECAUSE OF A FALSE ACCUSATION. What court would believe a decent gentleman when the lady is ""crying"" to a judge?? Hes gonna buy her bs story, crocodile tears and Im going to jail, she'll walk.

    D I S G U S T I N G.

  • profile image

    Cackus 

    8 months ago

    Like most of my friends, I gave up on women when I turned 30. It's sad that I'll never have children or a family but I'll never be rich enough to attract a decent women.

  • TessSchlesinger profile imageAUTHOR

    Tessa Schlesinger 

    16 months ago from South Africa

    Alpha 21. As I'm not interested in dating, it goes without saying that I'm not interested in connecting with a man in terms of marriage. So, technically speaking, I don't have to bring anything to the table. That said, what I bring to the table is not for public consumption.

    I think it's very sad sex is the driving force of human males. Clearly, if there was a god, it was a design error.

  • profile image

    Alpha91 

    16 months ago

    Hi Tessa,

    I've read your article. Read many of the comments below. I was surprised to read that you wouldn't date someone who wasn't very well off or established. Why is that? I ask because it's seems like generally a women at 66 has a lower sexual market value, which is what men place with high priority. You said you bring a lot to the table, even though you are financially dirt poor. What is it that you bring to the table that you feel would make you deserving to have expectations of only dating men who are financially very established? I'm 42 and single. I'm curious about having your point of view as an older woman and how she views her worth and what she brings to the table in a relationship.

  • TessSchlesinger profile imageAUTHOR

    Tessa Schlesinger 

    16 months ago from South Africa

    Nobody accepts anyone for who they are. People are either attracted to another person or they are not. You can't be any older than I am, and I seem to remember that in the 'old days,' boys would be boys, and women could do nothing about it.

  • profile image

    The Truth Is 

    16 months ago

    Well then again there are many of us good men out there that can't meet a decent normal woman to date as it is since the great majority of the women today just want to sleep around and party all the time with different men which they just can't settle down with only one man unfortunately. And there are many of us men that really do want a serious relationship which most women now just don't want that at all. Most women today are nothing at all like the old days when most women back then were very old fashioned and real ladies which made love very easy to find at that time, and definitely many men and women were very committed to one another as well too. But unfortunately today is a very different time since many women now have their careers today which even i will admit that they really don't need a man to survive anymore and can really make it on their own. And now most women prefer men with money which they will never go with a man that makes much less money, and this makes most of the women of today real users and losers. Very difficult for many of us good men trying to meet a good woman that will be able to Accept us for who we really are.

  • SageGentleman profile image

    SageGentleman 

    20 months ago

    Thank you so much for your response! I did not expect one, especially one so quickly. That's just the way the internet seems to me. You are obviously a very intelligent woman with many valuable things to offer...I find it a shame that any of us would equate "what we bring to the table", to a monetary wealth we would look for in someone else. Whether it's humor, intelligence, nurturing, sex, cooking...etc...It is only my lowly, humble opinion and I must admit to my own (foolishly) utopian idealism when it comes to men and women in relationships. I make love to you, you make love to me. Not just in the sexual/physical sense. I guess matching up the personality traits (or flaws) is more difficult than any of us realize. Hell...that's why I'm single. :)

  • TessSchlesinger profile imageAUTHOR

    Tessa Schlesinger 

    20 months ago from South Africa

    Sage Comment. You are correct. There is a double standard. I would interpret the hidden attitude of many women to be that they want to be the power behind the throne. They want all the obeisance entitled to a queen, but they don’t want to carry the burden of responsibility. What responsibility they do want to carry doesn’t justify the bigger rewards. Ironically, just after Obama took office, he asked for an investigation to be conducted as to why women earned so much less than men. What came back was that a) women weren’t as tough in salary negotiations as men and b) women didn’t want the stress of a high performing job. Of course, that’s a generality. There are exceptions.

    That said, in my late 20s, I asked a boss why I didn’t get promoted and why I had to train everybody who got promoted (all young guys). He told me I was a beautiful woman and I would get married. That was in South Africa.

    Twenty years later in London, I asked a boss why he wasn’t paying me the same as he was paying a young guy doing the same job as I was. He said that one day the young guy would have a family. The fact that I was a single mother with no other income did not seem to worry him at all.

    While living in America, I had several men telling me that they wouldn’t consider me because they had a degree/doctorate/money, etc. and I had nothing. They expressed the thought that they had worked very hard for what they had got, implying that I hadn’t. That, together, with the expectation by American men that I sleep with them either on the first date or the third date, and having the gumption to ask me what date I would sleep with them on, put me off American men for good.

    I find it amusing that at 66, I look 20 years younger, am still considered a beautiful woman, am in excellent health, am considered highly intelligent, extremely well educated with a high ethical standard plus talented in many areas.

    Of course, having brought up a child singlehandedly with a disability on three continents with no tertiary qualification (at the time) and with no financial or emotional support from anyone, I am, currently, dirt poor with no savings, no capital, and live at the very bottom of the financial totem pole.

    I would never, never never date a man who wasn’t extremely well established financially, and I most certainly wouldn’t marry one.

    Why? Because I bring more than enough to the table. I’m sorry that I don’t have any money. It’s not that I didn’t work. I struggled against tremendous odds, and there are those who will tell you that the statistical odds of my surviving what I did and getting to where I am is nothing short of miraculous.

    So here I am. Single. Highly unlikely to get involved or married. There is no way that I would ever get involved with a man who didn’t have money. Of course, he would have to match me in everything else as well, and that’s not likely.

  • SageGentleman profile image

    SageGentleman 

    20 months ago

    Interesting discussion, and there are many good articles out there. I'm a single 55 year old man who has never had trouble dating women, but I do find it difficult to find women who are willing to take on equal responsibility both financially, and communicatively. I believe there is still a bit of a double standard. Women seem to want equality, even in a relationship, but when it comes to the reality of it they have a tendency to fall short. I shudder at the times I can remember a woman asking what kind of car I drove, or what my yearly salary was...Ugh. I have given up on dating, for quite a few reasons. You've mentioned a few in your article. For me, it is the imbalance. Men are expected to be at a certain financial point, in nearly every stage of their life, and when that is expected of women from men...watch out!! I'm also not one of those men who do not find older women attractive. If they have a sense of humor, still concerned about their health and fitness, and don't expect from me more than they're willing to give of themselves...that is very attractive. The pool gets smaller as we get older, and being totally independent has a real value of its own. Frustrating to the opposite sex sometimes...

  • profile image

    Vj 

    22 months ago

    Me too

  • Thomas42 profile image

    Thomas42 

    23 months ago

    I would say I gave up on dating 15 years ago, but as I've never really dated anyone that's not quite true.

    I did try online once, it was terrible. I spent a lot of time writing messages that never got answered until I gave up. Made me feel awful about myself, I don’t' need that kind of misery.

    My big regret is that I've always wanted a family, it sucks to be alone all the time.

  • TessSchlesinger profile imageAUTHOR

    Tessa Schlesinger 

    2 years ago from South Africa

    Thank you, Lana, the Redhead. I was just busy composing a letter to a guy explaining to him why, nice man as he is, I'm not interested in getting involved. The investment just isn't worth the reward for me. You've expressed it beautifully. I will just give him your letter to read. :)

  • profile image

    LanaTheRedhead 

    2 years ago

    Hi, new to Paired Life. I'm very happy I've found this forum. I'm a mature aged female 50+ and never married. Numerous relationships, one defacto relationship, no children (by circumstance) .... and been dating on and off for 0ver 30 years. Lately I've hung up the towel.

    After the last disaster with a widower (thinking I could have a ready made family) for the last 3 years I have stepped out of the arena. I've been here before. The longest break from dating was 6 years of single celibacy. I find relationships take up a lot of my emotional and physical energy.

    After all these years trying with no lasting happiness and the window for children long-closed I am reassessing my needs. I don't need a man for financial support. I'm independent, my own paid off home, have hobbies, interests and good friends. My family is small and farewelled both parents and my brother over the last 10 years. I've been through the wringer, and without boring everyone I've had a lot of therapy and "family of origin" counselling and understand myself so well now and forgive myself and others who contributed to where I am now.

    Like so many women of my generation they thought they could "have it all". I've had some interesting jobs (media, TV etc) and I've got new ideas for my own artistic creativity. It's been years to come to this point of acceptance regarding childlessness and the illusion of "happily every after".

    I do function well on my own. I live alone and have made my home beautiful, artistic, warm, safe and comfortable. I love to entertain, travel and be able to do what I want when I want.

    I can't say I "will never date again" - but I am truly reassessing what is important now; what I will accept and not accept. I can't truly see myself living with anyone again, financially it is too risky. I guess I've tried for years to find a lasting relationship and it just never happened. Many people are puzzled and perplexed about that and when my friends were having children I had 10-15 years of hormone hell.

    Now I lose my rackets and am moving into a place of "acceptance". The calming of the hormones have helped and now looking for other ways to be happy, to further make me the creative and funny individual I am. I am a complete catch ! However, do I want to put my heart through the mincer again? Let me tell you after dating for decades, it is patched, scarred, ragged and shrunk a little. But I got it back. It's mine and I'm not sure I want to share it again. The recovery process is so slow and painful, the anxiety and depression a little harder each time.

    Never say never. But for now, in 2017, it's a "no" for me.

  • profile image

    K E 

    2 years ago

    Women & men are total polar opposites , apart from the obvious external differences , we are even more different mentally & especially sexually , men desire sex , esp when younger , whereas women do NOT & prefer celibacy , also women have the advantage of close inter female friendships...hetero men do not have these with other men , but slightly balanced by men being less social & have a lesser need for company. This would be why more women than men choose permanent singlehood , men are obsolete in women's lives

  • profile image

    Nadia2016 

    2 years ago

    I'm a very young woman and I gave up dating because I'm in a new era for women and I don't want to date a bunch of jerks just because I must to get married, because "it's a society rule". People always push me to marry and have kids because "you must do it or you'll die alone". That's rude, but people enjoy that. There isn't guarantee...your husband and kids could abandon you, or not! I would like to find my soulmate, but sorry, I think that it won't happen. Sometimes, ruminating thoughts of fear to be alone forever appear on my mind, but I'm not! I have my lovely parents, pets and friends and they provide me with the emotional support that I need!

  • profile image

    Cackus 

    2 years ago

    I gave up when I turned 30, when my wife left. It took a decade to dig out of the mess working two jobs to pay off the divorce debt. I wanted a family and such but I realized from watching my friends and from the divorce that women are simply to risky to have any relationship with and will most likely leave you broke, depressed with no legal access to your children unless you are like some of my friends (all single dads some raising children that aren’t even theirs) .

    To bad, I think I would make a great dad it's just not for me. At least this way I can invest in myself, being single and not spending my time and energy fulfilling womens needs allowed me to for once in my life work on me. I got an engineering degree, work out and got in great shape, have savings, retirement and a good credit rating why would I risk loosing it all?

    Yes, being celibate sucks and for a few years I took anti depressants (not that I was depressed it just reduced my sex drive which I always thought was to much anyway) now I use licorice root, saw palmetto and chase tree extract capsules and without the constant nagging libido I find women less than interesting.

    Now I've been women free for 16 years, if I can only get people to quite saying things like "You're such a great catch, why don't you get a girlfriend?" (becasue I'm sane and want to stay that way) or "You're so handsome I bet all the girls like you. " (I wouldn't know and don't care)

    Mostly I get this from my female friends and relatives, my male friends know why I don't, no explanation needed many choose the same lifestyle.

  • profile image

    happyhappygal 

    2 years ago

    I stopped dating because I wanted to heal. All dating and relationships did nothing but cause more pain in my life. I have found out that I am more happy being without a relationship. I would want someone in my life but (This is my experience) all the men that I have met have been nothing but liers and cheaters. I have tried to not bring past issues into new relationships and start with an open mind, I have been friendly, loving, caring, accepting.. nothing works. I have explained to them my past experiences.. and still nothing.

    Dating is extremely hard. No one is interested in truly taking the time to get to know you.. they care about sex.. I have told men that I have dated that I don't want to deal with a married man.. or a man in a relationship and they look into my face and say they understand..I turn around and I find out they are married or involved..So many of them have babies everywhere. Then they feel like I am judging them because I tell them honestly.. not with an attitude... why I am not interested in a man with multiple families. It is difficult to raise one family successfully.. how can a person manage multiple families...financially, emotionally.. timewise and then look to start a new relationship with me? It is not being bitter.. it is just being tired. So I choose to be alone. I wish I could meet a nice guy, a real one in the flesh.. everyone says that they are out there but I have never met one.

  • Sherry Hewins profile image

    Sherry Hewins 

    2 years ago from Sierra Foothills, CA

    Perhaps you should just tell them that you are not interested in sex. That would probably discourage most men.

  • profile image

    ArtDiva 

    3 years ago

    For me, at the core is friendship, but it seems we live in a throw-away society, even with friendship. Well written article on a subject never thought addressed.

  • TessSchlesinger profile imageAUTHOR

    Tessa Schlesinger 

    4 years ago from South Africa

    LongTimeMother. Most of what you said is something that I think a lot of readers would have wanted to read. The 'trigger' came when you suggested I shouldn't give up looking. That made me feel inadequate.

  • LongTimeMother profile image

    LongTimeMother 

    4 years ago from Australia

    Hi Tess. I've just logged on and notice your message to me about deleting my last message and your response. Sorry, I didn't get to see your response. Perhaps you might like to email it to me so I can see it.

    It sounds like I offended you, which was certainly not my intention. I certainly didn't mean to suggest your conclusions must be wrong. I simply thought I was furthering the conversation by explaining my own transition from being satisfied with being single to being happily married.

    I thought it might have had some relevance to someone else who reads this hub and comments, but I respect your right to delete me. I was engaged in discussing the topic, Tess, not thinking for one moment it would upset you. Sorry if it did.

    I still like your hub. :)

  • TessSchlesinger profile imageAUTHOR

    Tessa Schlesinger 

    4 years ago from South Africa

    Deb, you bring up a very valid point, one that I hadn't considered. I also think that independent means, to some extent, that one is very capable. For the most part, I don't really feel all that capable. :) But, yes, I don't like being restricted. I don't want to be feel that I have to go home and cook. I don't want to feel that someone is depending on me to carry out a routine. I like the fact that I have a circle of great friends who help each other in a sort of carefree symbiosis. It works for me, and I find it very emotionally satisfying. :)

  • profile image

    DebMartin 

    4 years ago

    Yup. We do evolve, don't we? I'm curious to watch my own progression. I used to call myself independent. But as I develop, I have come to recognize that "independent" is not quite it.

    To me, I feel there's a distinction between wanting to be unrestricted and wanting to be independent. Maybe it's subtle, but to me independent implies more of a lack of relationships; as in, I want to do things by myself. But the truth for me is that I love my relationships with friends. So I rather prefer to be an unrestricted person (as much as is possible), meaning that my friends know I'm going to say "yes" or "no" to offers to engage depending on the amount of restriction I feel about whatever they are proposing we do together.

    Thanks for the thought-provoking hub.

  • TessSchlesinger profile imageAUTHOR

    Tessa Schlesinger 

    4 years ago from South Africa

    That I could go with. I don't think I initially found the thought of being restricted bothersome. That was essentially because I hadn't developed much as a person. The more I developed, though, the more restrictive it came to me personally to have to share my life as a wife. I much prefer, these days, to have a variety of very close friends with whom I spend time. :)

  • profile image

    DebMartin 

    4 years ago

    Nothing specifically, Tess. I feel everyone's experience is different. I've always had a need to be unrestricted. And I'm not implying that a potential partner might be restricting. But, instead, that relationships require an amount of compromise that feels restrictive to me.

    Now I know this hub is about dating, not relationships. But for most, "dating" implies a relationship is the desired end. Otherwise it would would be called something like an "outing with a friend." And I do have many outings with friends, men and women.

  • TessSchlesinger profile imageAUTHOR

    Tessa Schlesinger 

    4 years ago from South Africa

    Hi Deb, is there anything in it that you specifically relate to?

  • profile image

    DebMartin 

    4 years ago

    Hi Tess

    You have engaged me with this hub. I too do not date anymore. But I've never taken the time to consider why. It has not been a concrete decision that I've made. It's more just become a way of being. Thanks for sharing your insights.

  • TessSchlesinger profile imageAUTHOR

    Tessa Schlesinger 

    4 years ago from South Africa

    Hi Long Time Mother, I have deleted your latest post, as I did my response to you. Please respect the fact that despite your having an excellent experience, I am now 64 years old, and I have never met any man who treated me well. You distress me when you suggest that my conclusions must be wrong because you had a different experience.

  • TessSchlesinger profile imageAUTHOR

    Tessa Schlesinger 

    4 years ago from South Africa

    Hi Long Time Mother, thanks for sharing. I'm happy for you. I do believe with all my heart that there are very successful relationships out there. It just never came my way, and that may well be because of the person I am. In retrospect, if I understood the motivations of men as I understand them now, perhaps I would have taken a different path. I just didn't understand that the men who said that they wanted to be friends saw that as a prelude to courtship.

    I don't believe that one can lie about something like that. In other words, it wasn't a real friendship on their part (it was on mine). They were courting; I wasn't. Had there been real friendship, perhaps, in time, something would have developed. That said, for myself, I would need chemistry and I have never found that chemistry grows. To me, it either is there, or it's not.

  • LongTimeMother profile image

    LongTimeMother 

    4 years ago from Australia

    Hello Tess. What a fascinating hub. You raised a lot of very interesting issues.

    I've known people in the past who had to muster up a lot of courage to risk a friendship simply so they could find out how the other person felt. Some friendships ended, some couples moved onto stronger relationships, and some retained their friendship after moving on from an uncomfortable moment.

    When I first met the wonderful man I am growing old with, it never occurred to me that we would end up happily married.

    Neither of us were interested in dating when we met through work. It was a happy surprise to fall in love just by spending time together, laughing, talking, and getting to know each other without any 'dating' pressure.

    The foundation of our relationship is mutual respect. We respected each other enough to trust each other. With that trust came the opportunity to discuss and explore our beliefs, opinions, attitudes, personal strengths, weaknesses etc.

    Funny though, I never saw his marriage proposal coming. I was shocked when he asked me ... but, despite the obvious obstacles, I couldn't imagine life without him. So I said yes.

    We had connected on so many levels, it seemed perfectly natural to marry a man who lived on the other side of the world and start a life together. An unexpected 'move' has given us 20 great years together ... and many more to come, I hope.

    I'm disappointed that you lost good friends after they made a move. Perhaps you could have retained those friendships if you'd explained that you really enjoyed their friendship but weren't interested in anything more.

    I'm voting your hub up, and sharing it because it offers genuine food for thought, and a chance for us all to reflect on choices we make - or have made. Best wishes to you, Tess.

  • TessSchlesinger profile imageAUTHOR

    Tessa Schlesinger 

    4 years ago from South Africa

    WriteAngled, you said, "Being alone has taught me that relationships are generally more like prison sentences than anything else. I was caught by the lie fed to women of my generation that marriage is essential for happiness. What a stinking heap of bovine manure that statement is!"

    That is soooo true! I also grew up with that idea and it took me a long time to realize that a relationship with a man was incredibly hard work and that it was much easier to be on one's own. Once one has learnt how not to be lonely and to connect with the world, one no longer needs to 'find someone special' to alleviate that loneliness. :)

  • WriteAngled profile image

    WriteAngled 

    4 years ago from Abertawe, Cymru

    I was married twice and also in two long-term relationships (about 12 years each time). I am now delighted to be single and will never ever change that status. I am so much more happy and fulfilled living on my own. Being alone has taught me that relationships are generally more like prison sentences than anything else. I was caught by the lie fed to women of my generation that marriage is essential for happiness. What a stinking heap of bovine manure that statement is!

  • Buildreps profile image

    Buildreps 

    4 years ago from Europe

    What I find very inspiring about this Hub is it openness and honesty. I read your story with great interest.

    Personally I don't believe in dating, because it's mostly a parade of ego's with nonsense stories about blah, blah, blah, while both sides are looking for a soulmate, and that doesn't make sense.

    This guru was right, there is a soulmate for everyone. But since most people keep a kind of secret shopping list (tall, dark hair, blue eyes, blah, blah, blah and must do this and this) they are unable to recognize theirs. Maybe the perfect soulmate is that ugly looking person in a wheelchair, or someone who has a terminal illness or some other uncomfortable habit or disease.

  • Jodah profile image

    John Hansen 

    4 years ago from Queensland Australia

    Thanks for sharing this part of your life Tess. I am happily married fortunately. I can't imagine even attempting to date anymore.

  • profile image

    Julie K Henderson 

    4 years ago

    This is a well-written and thoughtful article. I agree that friendships can provide the emotional support you need in life. Voted up.

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