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Why Am I Still Single at My Age?


Author Kathy Batesel writes about topics she has experienced, worked with, or researched thoroughly.

This article is intended for people who are in their 30s or 40s and struggling to find lasting love. It bluntly discusses the seven basic reasons that interfere with relationship success:

  1. Unrealistic Expectations
  2. Not Knowing What You Want
  3. Low Frustration Tolerance
  4. Difficult Personality Traits
  5. Psychological & Emotional Barriers
  6. Specific Behaviors
  7. Physical Condition

Why Am I Still Single (When I Don't Want to Be?)

Many people wish they had a great relationship but find it hard to find one. They ask, "Why am I still single in my 30s?" "Why haven't I found my Mr. Right?" "Where's the woman who will be my life mate?"

If you're single, either because you've given up on relationships altogether or because you haven't found the "right" one, I have some bad news for you. The problem can only be solved by you.

I don't mean that to be offensive. You're fine just as you are, but what you're doing isn't working if you want intimacy and keep finding yourself lonely. Thousands upon thousands of people feel frustrated and alone because they haven't figured out how to meet a great partner and make it work. But the first step to solving this dilemma is to take off the blinders and acknowledge that if you're in your 30s or 40s and still (unwillingly) single, it's because of something you're doing and not because the whole rest of the world is to blame.

So let's take a look at what might be interrupting your path to happy couplehood.

There isn't anything wrong with YOU, but if you're driving your relationships the wrong way, you'll be single more often, for longer.

There isn't anything wrong with YOU, but if you're driving your relationships the wrong way, you'll be single more often, for longer.

Is There Something Wrong with Me?

You may have asked yourself this question, it's not that something is wrong with you so much as you simply have a conflict that is producing a result that's not what you want, and that you need to identify and remove the conflict.

There are seven categorical reasons that people are unable to find and enjoy long-term, committed relationships. These same reasons can prevent harmony for people who do find relationships, too.

These reasons won't completely prohibit a relationship from developing, but they will bring about disharmony and cause relationships to end instead of allowing them to blossom into rewarding partnerships that last for life.

  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Low frustration tolerance
  • Not understanding and defining what you really want in a partner
  • Difficult personality (Controlling, dramatic, passive-aggressive)
  • Psychological issues (fears, mental illness, emotional unavailabilty/inner conflict)
  • Undesirable behaviors
  • Physical attributes (overweight, poor hygiene)

Let's take a look at each of these separately.

1. Relationship Expectations

People may have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship "should" be, or they can have unlikely expectations of other people.

If you find yourself wondering, "Is this all there is? What happened to the constant affection, the deep discussions, and the hot sex?" After a while, you end relationships because even though you love your partner, you're no longer in love with him or her. This is what happens when people have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is supposed to be like.

Solution: Pay attention to people who have been in stable relationships for at least ten years. Ask them about their successes and challenges, and adopt their philosophies as your own. It takes a lot of practice to fully believe others' viewpoints when they disagree with ours, but if you remind yourself that they're succeeding where you haven't, it'll be easier.

A quick look at online dating profiles reveals when people expect more from another person than is reasonable. The table below shows some examples that are easy to identify, but often our beliefs are subtle - so ingrained we may not recognize that others might have equally valid, but different values.

What is said or thought: The expectation that it reveals:Comment:

"My children come first."

"I expect you to let me neglect you sometimes."

Also applies to work, hobbies, etc.

"Don't hurt or leave me."

"I expect you to hurt or leave me."

This trains people to see you as having less value.

"If you loved me, you would...."

"I expect you to demonstrate love my way, not yours."

Compatible people don't have this problem.

"I only date people who love the outdoors, the same kind of music, between 30-35 years old, and who are athletic health food fans."

"I am rigid and inflexible about small things because I expect everyone to be inferior to me."

Some things *should* be inflexible, but no one person will meet a fantasy.

Solution: Develop more realistic expectations of people by finding someone trustworthy who isn't afraid to tell you that you're being unreasonable, and then believe them. Practice accepting things that you don't want to whenever you can do so without hurting your self-esteem or placing yourself in physical, emotional, or financial danger.

2. Qualities in a Partner: Knowing What You Want

The flip side of unrealistic expectations about a partner is not having a clear image of the traits you need to see in order for a relationship to work out.

Read More From Pairedlife

Many serial monogamists think, "I'll see where it leads" when it comes to a new relationship, only to find it fizzling after they've ignored signs of incompatibility. Whether they dump a partner or get dumped themselves, the end result is the same - they tolerated traits that didn't jibe with what they want and need in a long-term relationship or marriage.

Solution: Create a list of "Must Have" characteristics, a list of "Must Not Have" characteristics, and a third list of "Would Be Nice If" traits. Each list should have no more than six traits on it. (If they do, read the above section on unrealistic expectations once more!) Adjust the list as necessary and only date people who meet all the criteria of those lists.

3. Low Frustration Tolerance

Relationships are grand, but sometimes they suck. You may wish you could sleep in, but you are duty bound to visit the in-laws tomorrow. You've said the same thing a thousand times, and your partner still doesn't "get it." You're too busy with work, the gym, and other things to deal with your partner's nagging to spend more time together.

The best relationships have ongoing problems that bring up frustrations again and again. Experts say there are about seven areas of disagreement within any relationship - even the ones that last for years between two happy people!

If you find yourself feeling stressed, sneaking, rebelling, or thinking "I'm not gonna take this!" on a regular basis, you might have a low frustration tolerance that interferes with your ability to maintain a relationship. One clue to help distinguish whether your response is a healthy reaction to a bad relationship or if you actually have an inability to tolerate normal pressures that contributes to your relationships turning bad is to look at other times you feel that way. People with a low frustration tolerance will find themselves feeling the same kinds of emotions about events at work, with friends, and with other situations. This response isn't confined to their romantic lives.

Solution: Because low frustration tolerance can be related to poor self-esteem or inadequate coping skills, it may be necessary to seek professional counseling to eradicate the effects that interfere with your happiness. In the short run, try using affirmations such as, "I'm strong and competent, and I don't have to let my frustration defeat me" when negative feelings arise.

4. Personality Traits

At some point, we've all said it. "I want someone with a good personality." What determines whether a personality is good or not? For most of us, anyone who is compatible with us will seem to have a great personality!

The problem comes when we are unable to evaluate how we affect other people. If we have a personality trait that's keeping us single, we've probably heard about it, but refused to acknowledge the truth of the criticisms we were told. If you've heard comments like these, you've got a personality trait that can prevent you from having the kind of relationship you're seeking:

  • "You're never happy with anything I do."
  • "You're too controlling."
  • "You play mind games with me."
  • "You always have to be right."
  • "You don't respect me or care how I feel."
  • "You don't listen or pay attention to me."
  • "You're too shy for your own good."

Behaviors that are controlling, introduce drama, or that display a lack of regard for your partner are like a relationship's death warrant! They start out small, but over time they become insurmountable and destroy relationships. It might take just a few weeks, a couple of hours, or many years before others will decide it's just not worthwhile to have a relationship with you over these kinds of behaviors.

Solution: Consider common themes that you've been accused of doing in the past, and acknowledge them as valid truths about your behavior. You may be able to find progress by practicing techniques found in self-help books like the ones shown here, or you may need to find a mental health professional who can help you identify the behaviors on an ongoing basis and learn new ways to address things that trigger these kinds of responses from you.

5. Our Psychology

Psychological issues can be big or small, and can manifest in many ways. At one extreme, serious psychological problems like addictions, mental illness, chronic depression, self-sabotage, or anxiety disorders can be an ever-present influence that can challenge our ability to maintain a relationship.

Other psychological influences may not meet diagnostic criteria for a mental health disorder yet still affect our ability to be a good partner day in and day out. Emotional baggage from past relationships, fears learned in childhood, and inner conflicts or behavior habits can drive a wedge between people and prevent them from celebrating deep emotional intimacy together.

Solution: Avoid getting caught up in superficial arguments and instead focus on the reasons why they occur. You may discover that your behavior and your partners' behaviors have created unhealthy dynamics that have been repeated several times. Most people aren't capable of addressing these things on their own simply because of the way our brains are wired. Professional counseling can help address deep-rooted beliefs better than self-help books or self-guidance.

6. Behavioral Issues

While psychological matters can lead us to have behaviors that are seen as odd or undesirable (do you still avoid stepping on cracks in the sidewalk?), some of our behaviors may be unappealing to others and drive them away from us.

A specific example that comes to my mind involves a man I went on a single date with. As we drove, he greeted grocery stores. "Hi, Piggly Wiggly!" he waved. When it happened again, "Hello, Hen House!" and then a third time, I knew I wouldn't be dating him again. I interpreted his behavior as a sign that he was extremely immature for a 40-something man, and I wanted a partner, not a child.

Most behavioral issues aren't quite as clear. They can be quite difficult to identify, especially when we're the ones with the offensive actions. Here are some common ones, though:

  • Failing to reciprocate another person's kindnesses
  • Making statements that reveal undesirable traits (hostility toward opposite sex, anger, control issues, drama, or weakness)
  • Revealing too much, too soon
  • Not being open after a reasonable period of time (aka "trust issues!")
  • Exaggerating, lying, sneaking, or snooping
  • Demonstrating disrespect in any way

Solution: Practice becoming more self aware and changing the offending behaviors. Ask trusted friends or a counselor to help you evaluate your own behavior, and avoid feeling defensive when you discover that you're doing something that is undesirable. After all, you're learning how to be the best person you can, and there's plenty to be said in your favor for doing that!

7. Physical Health and Appearance

Go ahead and blast me if you dislike what I'm about to say, but it's the truth:

Dirty or unkempt isn't attractive to a high percentage of people. Sure, you might find someone who will tolerate that you don't brush your teeth in the morning and at night, but if you have a mouthful of rotting teeth, it will limit your appeal.

Yes, sometimes there is a biological reason for having greasy hair or smelly armpits, but we're not talking about how to justify a less-than-desirable appearance. We're talking about what can interfere with finding long-term, committed relationships, and appearance definitely falls into the categories that can keep a person single!

There are some valid reasons for people to avoid dating and commitment with people who don't take adequate care of their bodies and appearance. It can affect their ability to show affection when they don't feel attraction, for one thing. For another, they may be reluctant to get involved with someone who may now or later have extensive health problems.

Solution: Pay attention to normal hygiene practices, like using soap to shower daily, brushing your teeth regularly, maintaining an attractive hairstyle, and wearing makeup if and when it's appropriate. Dress in form-flattering clothing. Adhere to a sound diet and exercise regimen. Make all of these things a standard part of your life, rather than something you're doing temporarily.

Stay Single or Find Love, But Be the "YOU" You Want to Be

If you heard your inner voice object to something you read above, there's probably a good reason for it—it most likely has applied or still applies to you. Each of the obstacles to love I described are things you can change if you want to, but it's perfectly acceptable if you'd prefer not to.

You're entitled to have your own values and your own priorities. You might value having a loving relationship as more important to you than protecting your trust issues and decide to change your trust issues so you can attain the more important value. But if you decide that being just the way you are is more important than finding enduring love, there isn't a thing wrong with your choice!

In the end, you are the only person who wakes up and falls asleep with you every day of your life, so be your own best friend. Cheers!


jellygator (author) from USA on December 17, 2016:

Thank you!

Ingenira on November 16, 2016:

Helpful, thank you !

Jon Olson from Quebec on June 17, 2016:

Great and informational article, Kathy. Would you mind checking out my article about dealing with being single?

Jennifer Mugrage from Columbus, Ohio on March 23, 2016:

Nice, balanced Hub.

It does remind me of Bridget Jones's answer to "Why are there so many single women?" : "Perhaps it's because, under our clothes, we are completely covered with scales."

Deborah Reno from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on February 08, 2016:

Great article! I was single for a few years, and tried dating. What a nightmare. My girlfriends encouraged to date outside of my usual "type". I ended up dating a man about three years younger than myself, but who was as immature as my own children.

When I eventually met and began dating my future husband, the "kid" pouted and cried, although we had only gone on two dates.

Now that I am happily remarried, he refuses to speak to me, even though we run into each other pretty regularly.

Glad I found Mr. Right. Thanks for writing.


Kristopher Billingsley from Tulsa, OK on October 15, 2015:

"I knew I wouldn't be dating this man again.."

Seriously? You came to the conclusion that you would never want to speak to or see another person based on one odd behavior? No wonder I'm still single. I have lots of them. Should I be worried that I might scare away a potential spouse because I have a tendency to scratch my head when I'm nervous or stutter when I speak?

I wouldn't even call it an odd behavior. Maybe he just wanted to show off his knowledge of retail layout. It sounds like something I'd do if I was nervous and didn't know what to say, but according to you that would make me "immature" & "undateable"*sigh*

jellygator (author) from USA on February 11, 2015:

Thanks, Glenn! It can be hard to look inward, but it can also be worth it. I speak from experience, haha!

Glenn Stok from Long Island, NY on February 05, 2015:

This is an extremely thorough analysis of the issues standing in the way of success with finding someone to settle down with for a permanent relationship. You not only covered the important problems that need attention, but you have also provided solutions. This is definitely most useful for anyone who is ready for change and is serious about finding the answers.

jellygator (author) from USA on November 19, 2014:

Thank you, Chaintanyasaivb!

Sai Chaitanya from INDIA on November 16, 2014:

Thanks for the great work, done by you, in giving some information of staying single. It's a person's choice, whether to be in a relationship, or stay alone.

jellygator (author) from USA on August 05, 2014:

Thank you, soi!

soi on August 04, 2014:

i liked this page. lot of good down to earth info

jellygator (author) from USA on May 16, 2013:

I don't personally, but some people do, and I didn't want to make a category for that alone. As an overweight woman myself, it's certainly not a statement that overweight is somehow less clean, though!

Nichelle Webster from Silicon Valley on May 16, 2013:

Excellent hub, some profound insights. I was surprised to see you equate being overweight with having poor hygiene, though.

jellygator (author) from USA on May 15, 2013:

Thank you, Kevin!

Kevin Peter from Global Citizen on May 15, 2013:

Great hub! This hub made me think about myself deeply. You have included a lot of useful information in this single hub. Really very interesting.

jellygator (author) from USA on May 13, 2013:


Cat from New York on May 13, 2013:

This is true! :-)


Karen Silverman on May 13, 2013:

yeah - you know when Cat is struck speechless - you've made an impact..



Dana tate on May 13, 2013:

first of all great hub! I have to agree with Kanzi. It's not that I don't want a rewarding love life, because i do. But I choose to work on myself, love myself and let the chips fall where they may

jellygator (author) from USA on May 13, 2013:

Wowza, thank you ImKarn and Can't! I'm humbled!

Cat from New York on May 13, 2013:


You're a genius... a flipping genius! :-) You should turn this hub into a book, not only did I vote it up, but I hit everyone other one of those nifty blue buttons up there! This has everything... all rolled into one! I wasn't even looking for advice, but boy, I'm walking away enlightened! I think I've been guilty of or victim to probably some version of everything you discussed. This is so impressive, truly! I'm rendered speechless... and that's just about impossible! Thanks



Karen Silverman on May 13, 2013:

I loved this hub and i found myself for the most part - nodding along in agreement!

While i understand that finding love isn't easy - it's also not impossible - IF that's what you truly want!

While i've never had a weight issue - i still like to believe that love is more than skin deep...(hygiene is a completely different matter..)

A tough and interesting topic taken up with courage and grace!

Well done!

jellygator (author) from USA on May 13, 2013:

I share your thoughts completely, Debbie!

Deborah Brooks Langford from Brownsville,TX on May 13, 2013:

hello what a great hub this is.. I am so glad I am not in my 30's anymore.. dating and trying to choose the right man was hard enough then and now days it is even harder.. You have to be so careful.. you never know what you will get until it is too late.. so i believe in being cautious.. .. I wish I was more cautions in my lifetime.. I have regrets.. but we learn from our mistakes.. some people pay with their lives with their mistakes.. some are blessed... I do not judge anyone for their choices.. after all I made wrong choices.. so you just do not know.. I believe you need to listen to your heart and head. not just choice the first guy that walks up to you.. lol like I said I am sooo glad I do not have to choose anymore

many blessings to you


jellygator (author) from USA on May 13, 2013:

Thief1 & Wonderful, again I agree with you guys, but I did find using a baseline income requirement to be a convenient way of ruling out people who were unlikely to be what I was looking for. I remarried a guy who earns far less than my ex-husband and doesn't have a college degree (another of the things I considered when evaluating someone's likelihood of being compatible with me) and he's wonderful. But yes, he pays his bills on time, has good credit, and doesn't shirk responsibility.

LoveDoctor, at the start of this hub, I highlighted that it's for people who are single "and do not want to be." As you said, people (not just women) give off vibes about the things I've said above. "I need a man to complete me" was your example, falls into those behavior examples that reveal weakness as I described above.

lovedoctor926 on May 13, 2013:

In my opinion, when a woman is independent & self-sufficient, established in her career , self confident and self-assurred with a good support team of family and friends, she learns to embrace being single. You make some good points in your hub; however, I don't think that there's something necessarily wrong with everyone who is not in a committed relationship or married in their 30s and beyond. There are women who are more selective than others and who won't settle for anything less. These days many men want to hook up and have no desire to commit. Second, there are some men in their 30s and even beyond who have already done the marriage thing and won't do it again because they got burned in the past. There are some men who get intimidated by women who are intelligent and have a strong mind. True love is out there for everyone. you just have to find it and some people spend a lifetime looking for that soulmate and maybe they do or maybe they don't and so they remain single by choice. In my opinion, when you focus on yourself and your passions, then you give off a positive vibe and you're more likely to attract a partner for a fulfilling relationship without coming from a place of need. It's also how you portray yourself. you often hear women saying oh I need a man, I need to find a man someone to complete me. right then and there you are giving off a desperate vibe and a man will pick up on it and be turned off. Happiness should come from within. never make a man the center of your universe when you are only an option. I think we all have character flaws and that's what makes us unique.

Sheila Varga Szabo from Southern California on May 13, 2013:

So the issue isn't how much he earned, but how willing or able he was to pull his weight in the relationship. I think it doesn't matter if a guy earns more or not. My ex earned six figures while I was a SAHM. He still squandered it on his own hobbies secretly while I scrimped and saved what I could raising 3 kids. No relationship can survive without a healthy balance of respect, openness and effort (equally) for the greater good.

Carlo Giovannetti from Puerto Rico on May 13, 2013:

That's why I specified about using income ALONE as a criteria. There are a million factors that come into play when deciding who you want to be with. Sure, income can be one of those, but you're also bound to find bad partners through every single income bracket. In some of the examples you mentioned, the problem isn't necessary the income, but the other person's ambitions and commitment. Like I said, income can be a reflection of that, but not always. It's up to each person to weigh in everything.

jellygator (author) from USA on May 13, 2013:

I semi-agree with you Thief12 and Wonderful1, but Monteena's point is a good one, too. When I was younger, I believed that if I made a decision to date based on someone's income, it made me shallow and judgmental. As a result, I found myself with people who were under-performers that couldn't pull their weight in the relationship. In 1993, I set an income-limit that I wouldn't date anyone who didn't make at least $25k a year because I got tired of paying all the bills and our recreation while my partners' paychecks were their own play money. I couldn't respect a guy who didn't boot up some cash for the relationship, and under-earners rarely do.

I re-learned this lesson when I dated someone who led me to believe he earned more than he did. There's just an imbalance there that has never worked for me if a man doesn't earn at or above the level I do.

Sheila Varga Szabo from Southern California on May 12, 2013:

I agree with Thief: there are careers (like being an artist) that doesn't pay well (on average) yet to me, if a man is doing what he's passionate about, it says more about him than a guy who's only working to make money.

Carlo Giovannetti from Puerto Rico on May 12, 2013:

I say this with all respect, but I really can't see why someone else's income alone should factor into the decision of being or not being with him/her. Sure, income level might be a reflection of other things (educational level, ambition, maybe even intelligence?) but if the guy is a hard-working man, and there's a connection, I don't see why a woman should narrow down her options based only on income.

Monteena Jones from Wilmington, North Carolina on May 12, 2013:

Turning 30 this month and I'm single. I agree with your article, high expectations might be keeping me single. I have a great paying career and I expect this from my mate. Since I started in my career, I expect my future mate to make as much or more than me. I heard that less than 10% of men in the US make over $50K. Small pool to choose from.

Will be re-evaluating my expectations ASAP!

jellygator (author) from USA on May 11, 2013:

I'm glad you found each other, H-Chris!

H-Chris from Nebraska on May 11, 2013:

I was single by choice until my late 20's. I had a good job, and a place of my very own. I grew up with 7 brothers and sisters so I was in no hurry to share my space.

I wasn't really looking for love, it kinda snuck up on me like a ninja.

My now husband of 10 years came into the restaurant I worked at every Monday for 2 years. We became friendly and then one day he asked me out. 11 months later we were married.

I firmly believe a good relationship is based on affection, respect, equal compromise [it's not equal or fair if one is always giving in to the other] and communication.

Yeah, sometimes I want to pop him in the head with a crowbar and I know there are days when I drive him crazy...but we love each other.

jellygator (author) from USA on May 10, 2013:

I can't agree with you, Me. I feel sad that you believe that.

LOL @ Alan2rich.

Thanks both of you for stopping.

alan2rich on May 10, 2013:

What did Mr Spock say? "Sometimes having, is not as good as wanting".

Me on May 10, 2013:

This sucks ....people are single cause there are too many whores and shallow people

jellygator (author) from USA on May 10, 2013:

Yep, looking for that "newness" can be an addiction. I would consider hoarding and sloppiness as hygeine, but I should have added that. Thank you, Wonderful1 and DexisView, for your additions.

Sheila Varga Szabo from Southern California on May 10, 2013:

I enjoyed reading this hub and the videos were also very useful. I find the subject about relating to each other fascinating and this is spot on.

One more quality I'd add to the list of things that could be keeping someone out of a relationship is if they are unkept/hoarders. I know many people who found out the person they were dating was a slob and immediately lost interest, even if they were otherwise enamored by the person. For some, even addictions like playing video games, watching porn or being obsessed with cyber games (like on facebook) is a deal-breaker.

One other point I've come to discover is that if you're dating the type of person that's hooked on drama, and you're a "boring, nice person," they'll lose interest. Some people subconsciously are drawn to those who they see will give them a daily dose of anxiety in love. I could go on. This is a fun topic!

Dexi from New England on May 10, 2013:

I can see why this was Hub of the day, congrats! Yes, there are some people that do make a "choice" to remain single, but far more just can't figure it out. Unrealistic expectations are often part of it. Perfection is impossible. Love is love. The term "not in love" is ridiculous in a relationship. Over the course of any relationship you are never going to feel "in love" all the time. Love is an adventure and that adventure goes through many ups and downs. If you first and foremost chose the person because you like them, you can always go back to that basic friendship. Isn't that what a relationship is? ... liking the person that you love??? Looking for newness can be addiction. Some will move from relationship to relationship to keep getting the high of new. It becomes a drug and that can lead to very dangerous behavior. I also agree that the inability to maintain relationships can be due to psychological issues. These people might be best to remain single before entwining another in there life when they know they are incapable of accepting love. One of my favorite sayings is, "If someone shows you their true self, believe them." Don't expect that you will be "the one" to change them. People can change, but it takes a very strong desire to do so. Excellent hub!!

jellygator (author) from USA on May 10, 2013:

You may be right, Tom. Still, the drive to be with someone is a pretty strong urge that may be hardwired into the human existence. While some people don't mind singlehood, there are many who long for companionship.

Tom Schumacher from Huntington Beach, CA on May 09, 2013:

Congrats on "Hub of the Day!" Information shared is interesting and useful. However, I think some people internalize being single way too much. It's not all bad. In fact, having time between relationships for self improvement is healthy. ; )

jellygator (author) from USA on May 09, 2013:

Again, thanks so much for such kind words! I wish I had time today to individually reply to everyone as I normally try to do.

Victoria Lynn, I think you've made an interesting point about not meeting someone who's compatible, but I'd have to pose the question: If we are incompatible with *so* many people that we're still single into our middle-life years, could it be a sign that we need to change ourselves?

Stacy Clark from Reno, NV on May 09, 2013:

Highly informative hub! I was greatly and happily surprised :) I'm only 20 years old and still found lots of good information in this article. Keep it up!

FlourishAnyway from USA on May 09, 2013:

Good hubs. Hygiene is so important and so is simply being a good person who is comfortable in your own skin, blemishes and all. Too many of us expect others to carry our baggage for us.

Mary from From the land of Chocolate Chips,and all other things sweet. on May 09, 2013:

Great hub, voted up and shared, I love how you pointed out the fact that we are the ones who can change our relationships status from single to taken, by our own actions.

Victoria Lynn from Arkansas, USA on May 09, 2013:

Good information. Another reason is that it's just hard to meet people you're compatible with. I don't think it's always the person's own fault. It's just situational sometimes, or it's just life. It's not that simple. Still, good hub. Congrats on HOTD.

Tammy from North Carolina on May 09, 2013:

I am glad to see you have a very well deserved hub of the day! This is a great one.

Suzette Walker from Taos, NM on May 09, 2013:

First of all, congratulations on being HOTD. This is an excellently written hub that addresses what the real and realistic problems are in relationships. You really cover all the bases and your advice and suggestions are wonderful. This is like a mini-therapy session. I have never seen anyone lay out the reasons why relationships fail like you do. You are quite insightful about these reasons. Thank you for a wonderful hub and something we all need to read and remember.

Rafaela Lima from US on May 09, 2013:

You are right. We use to expect to much from the other. Maybe if we stop thinking about how he can make us happy, we should think more how can we make him happy (loving ).

Great Hub!

jellygator (author) from USA on May 09, 2013:

Thank you, everyone! In the beginning, I did mention that singlehood can be a choice and that this hub is written for those who are, but don't want to be. I hope they do find what they're looking for, and I believe that for most people, small adjustments can make a big difference!

Meggan Tropos from United States on May 09, 2013:

Very well put! I am one of those people, so I approached this article with trepidation but found your insights to be spot on - now to work on fixing them :) Thank you!

SonQuioey10 on May 09, 2013:

Very well-explained points. More power to the people looking for a relationship. They would definitely learn something from this hub.

As a generation X, I guess I'll do what I've always done and make the, effort, to date someone or be appealing to someone someday. Might even take some advice from this hub in regards to understanding the arguing and disagreeing stage of them. Whoof!

Anyway, Great Hub and Congrats.

alan2rich on May 09, 2013:

Why am I still single at 62? I thought I'd be married by 27 and 3 kids. It never happened. I was engaged once, now I'm disengaged. As for kids, none that I know about.

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on May 09, 2013:

Congratulations on the Hub of the Day! Well-deserved!

Yves on May 09, 2013:

No wonder this is the hub of the day. Your writing is so thorough, engaging, excellent, and useful. Did I mention spot on? I loved the "Why are you Single" video. This is one of the most awesome hubs I've read on Gender and Relationships!

bradley brown from Harrow Middlesex on May 09, 2013:

Really nice read, researched very well. congrats on best hub of day.

Joanne M Olivieri on May 09, 2013:

Very interesting hub with some great points. I however think being single is also a choice. Marriage is not for everyone and the freedom that comes with independence can be quite alluring. Nevertheless, great hub and voted up!

jellygator (author) from USA on May 09, 2013:

Thank you, everyone! I truly appreciate your comments. I'm afraid that today I don't have time to address each one individually, but I read them all and would like to address the one made by cloverleaffarm:

There's a big difference between a person "putting their children first" and "keeping them at arm's length." Of course it's necessary for partners to love the children as their own! I'm glad you did not stay with someone who didn't treat your children as if he loved them openly and deeply. However, when a person neglects their partner's needs in order to satisfy their children's wants, it's a sure way to end a relationship.

Carlo Giovannetti from Puerto Rico on May 09, 2013:

Great hub. That said, I don't think there should be an age treshold for marriage. That just adds pressure to the person, which might lead to bad decisions, and hence divorces and other unwanted situations.

FWIW, got married at 29. Almost 7 years and still going strong :-D

HendrikDB on May 09, 2013:

Indeed food for thought!

Tim Mitchell from Escondido, CA on May 09, 2013:

An interesting article deserving of its recognition as a Hub of the Day. One may say certainly offers an example of what is advocated regarding the attributes of personality having defined traits. Offering the how to achieve the outcome of affect seeking an effect being a successful relationship is inspirational. The premise of unable as in both capacity and capability is answered with solutions throughout the article.

Listening I perceived as a perspective blaming does transition toward learning. Having focus on trait theory as a means projecting a desired effect of a partnered relationship and its success offers hope to many. I ponder how true while realizing a foundational element of the enterprises of most contemporary match making efforts, at least with common internet sites of that purpose.

Reflectively I tend to agree regarding compatibility based on discoveries of likeness with personality traits. Those offer a greater propensity for the success of a relationship. Yet I offer a perspective that has not any bearing on the concept of love as a whole.

Therefore, I am as only a perspective of many in agreement regarding the pursuit of a compatible relationship based on Storge - affectionate Love, seeking Phileo - Love as friendship. Especially when assisted with one or more of the many components of the power of attraction - likeness.

The hope of eros - Romantic love most seek may flicker as a candle at first, then erupt into a flame, while that flame's fuel being of both nurture and nature may be eternal or fizzle with acceptance of Agape - unconditional Love. Then again the purpose of a relationship is of question regarding relative of each within a relationship and as one.

I thank you for sharing a solution to a growing trend in today's societies and cultures with the prevalence of divorce rising world wide. Observation seems to point out that is fast becoming a common tool for solving problems of relationships while is readily accepted as a lifestyle choice today.


Natasha from Hawaii on May 09, 2013:

Congrats on HotD! I remember when I first read this around this time last year =)

Althea Reader from Jamaica on May 09, 2013:

This definitely deserves HOTD. Congratulations, and thanks for taking the time to present such valid points in a well written format.

Mary Hyatt from Florida on May 09, 2013:

Congrats on HOTD! I would agree with your opinions IF a gal wanted a man in her life, but there are MANY gals who do NOT want or need a man. Sometimes girls want a man, but then are very unhappy with their choices.

My Hubby died years ago, and I don't want another to take his place. I like my independence.

moonlake from America on May 09, 2013:

Congratulations on HOTD. You deserve it. Great hub and enjoyed reading it. Like I tell my son "go to church you will find the right girl." That might not be true but I like him to think that. I have to show this to him. Voted up.

Toy Tasting from Mumbai on May 09, 2013:

Hey Jelly, this is a great compilation of points. Congratulations on HOTD. Truly, well deserved. Cheers!

Shasta Matova from USA on May 09, 2013:

Congratulations on your well deserved HOTD. This is a great list of reasons why someone may still be single. I'm still single, but of course, none of these faults apply to me. :)

Healing Herbalist from The Hamlet of Effingham on May 09, 2013:

Congrats on HOTD. Great hub, but I disagree with you on a few points. One of them being "my children come first". I was in a relationship where we both had kids. I welcomed her into my life as my own. He, on the other hand did not include my children as his own. I was not going to allow my children to have a stepfather that kept my children at arms length because he didn't "have enough love for more than one". They would have suffered from a shallow mind.

Luckily, I did remarry to a wonderful man who accepted my children, and loves them and calls them "his sons". I wouldn't have it any other way.

Cut The Bullshit from All Over on May 09, 2013:

Loneliness is a state of mind. I don’t think I can relate to that feeling and this is why I’ve been single for a very long time. I enjoy my own company and don’t need another person (who is not right) to make up for what’s missing in life. I don’t go out and look for a soul mate, I sit back, relax and if this person is lucky enough to find me then I’m always open. (OMG I hope I don’t sound arrogant)

By the way you have touched on some great points, and yes the older the people are the more baggage they seem to have, this is why 23 year olds seem to fall in love so easily with me or my other friends in their 30s. These young people have no boundaries, many don’t have pre conceptions, don’t know what game playing is and no fear of heart break. Excellent article btw

tuteramanda from beijing china on May 09, 2013:

If you are a male,it may because you are not handsome ,you are so poor that no women bother you,if you are a female ,it may you looks ugly or you have some flaws of your personality so that keep male away from you

Suzanne Ridgeway from Dublin, Ireland on May 09, 2013:

Hi jellygator,

Congrats on your HOTD on a great topic. I found my soul mate in my 40's so it is possible and well worth the wait! voted useful and interesting!

mjkearn on May 09, 2013:

Hi Kathy

Congratulations on HOTD. Thoroughly well deserved. Great article and bang on point. Having been in one long term relationship that didn't last your list makes perfect sense and it's the exact advice I wish I had earlier.

I bear no ill will to my ex partner as basically we are all lovely people just trying to find our way in life and a worthy partner to share it with.

Thankfully now I have my true soul mate and life and love couldn't be better.

Fabulous article, fabulous advice and fabulous hubber.

Voted up and shared.


jellygator (author) from USA on February 23, 2013:

Aren't we all a work in progress? That's how I became the wife my husband loves, but it took me forever to get where I "got it!"

Thanks for reading and commenting!

Elizabeth from ATLANTA,Ga on February 23, 2013:

I'm constantly examining myself so this was a great read. I'm guilty of a few things but I'm a work in progress and I know that. Nice hub!

jellygator (author) from USA on July 31, 2012:

Thanks, Mellonyy!

Mellonyy on July 31, 2012:

I appreciate the information. Voted up and shared.

jellygator (author) from USA on July 25, 2012:

I'm betting you recognize a good guy when you see one!

Penelope Hart from Rome, Italy on July 25, 2012:

Gutsy, head on, helpful. Of course we have to look to ourselves when 'life' isn't working out for us time and time again.

I've always been in intense relationships that last for ages, except for when my children were little and I was alone, so can't relate to being single and frustrated. Being in a relationship is a lot of work! Takes a lot of looking at myself when things feel bad, which (of course) they do still - from time to time. Tis the nature of being human.

I think some of us find our 'lover' and others have to wait and I don't know why. Love comes hurtling out of the sky and knocks us off our feet.

jellygator (author) from USA on July 24, 2012:

I divorced several years ago and briefly entered the dating world again. It was a bit different than I remembered, but the essentials hadn't changed. People who know what they want, have reasonable expectations, and who are socially and physically gifted will always be in high demand. For the rest of us, who don't qualify as "perfect" in every way, we may have fewer options but can still find plenty of opportunities if we maximize our strengths and eliminate or downplay our shortcomings. Thank you for commenting, teaches.

Dianna Mendez on July 24, 2012:

Interesting read. I am not single, but can understand the questions one might have in trying to find a partner. I wouldn't want to have to be looking for one in today's dating world.

jellygator (author) from USA on July 24, 2012:

Thank you, Natashalh. Sometimes the difficult conversations are the important ones, and I hope this falls into that category. It's unfortunate that we have such a judgmental society, but it's darn near impossible to avoid being judged or doing the judging.

Natasha from Hawaii on July 24, 2012:

I think the previous commenters are correct - this won't sit well with everyone! But I think it will mostly be a knee-jerk reaction. It's difficult to examine yourself and try to find ways you might be creating (or helping create) the things you don't like about your life. There is a lot of advice here. Real advice, not fluffy feel-good advice. That is hard to come by when it comes to relationships. Voted up and useful.

jellygator (author) from USA on July 23, 2012:

Thank you both!

Corey from Northfield, MA on July 23, 2012:

Nicely written and researched.Thanks.

Karen Lackey from Ohio on July 23, 2012:

Good information, thoughts and best of!

jellygator (author) from USA on July 23, 2012:

Thanks, John. You've hit the nail on the head - some people have preferences that exclude you, or me, or someone else, and that's fine. We're all doing the best we can with what we have.

When we have one trait, behavior, or thought process that crops up consistently, then it may be time to consider if that trait is keeping us from what we want.

John Sarkis from Winter Haven, FL on July 23, 2012:

Hi jellygator, and what an interesting hub yours is; additionally, thank you Tammy for sharing it, otherwise I'd have never come across it!

I always equate finding a mate with people who have weight problems. There are some people that can eat and eat and don't seem to gain weight; other people try to try to shed pounds to no avail. Likewise, it's the same with finding a partner. It just dawned on me the other day, that sometimes I see couples walking/talking down the street, and the men/women are arguing with them and they don't seem like nice people. At the other end of the spectrum, you see nice, sociable and attractive people who can't find a partner to save their lives. ...moral of the story...there is no moral its called "life."

Take care - voted up


jellygator (author) from USA on July 23, 2012:

Thanks, everyone! I think some people are single by choice for exactly the reasons you mentioned, Tammy, and this article isn't for them, but is for people who long for a relationship and struggle with getting or keeping them, so I hope it's not offensive but is taken as it was intended!

Life Under Construction from Neverland on July 23, 2012:

I Can say this is a fantastic and interesting topic.. known some few people, my friends, who are still single ont their 30s and 40s,, :)

Tammy from North Carolina on July 23, 2012:

Fabulous insights into why relationships don't exist or fail. I divorced after being married for 15 years. When I was single I really enjoyed it and just being able to be me, go to bed when I want.. there are many perks about the single life. I found that I have become intolerant of some frustrations after being alone for a long time. Although I eventually remarried I found that it is better to be alone than in a controlling or unsatisfactory relationship. Great topic.

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on July 23, 2012:

It will be interesting to see what the comments are on this. Although I tend to agree with you on most points, I am imagining that some people will take offense at this hub. Good luck and nice job!

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