Five Smart Things to Tell Your Single Daughter
"Single" in this article describes a young woman who is not only unmarried; she does not have a sexual partner. What she has is a desire to live and enjoy a life of integrity, and a parent who supports her moral lifestyle. Believe it or not, some of these people are still around.
Here are a few reminders for the parent who wants to help his or her daughter enjoy her singleness.
Women want to craft a life instead of having it pressed upon them. And that means some of us will be single for a long time, and some of us will be single for life.— Pepper Schwartz, Sociology Professor
(1) Some Good Women Marry; Some Don't
There are several reasons that good women may not get married. They may still believe in marriage, home and family but they do not want it just any price. They hold out for the kind of love they desire, and if it does not come within the timetable they set, they give up and refocus. It doesn’t mean that they’re not marriageable; it means that they’re in control.
Singleness, for whatever reason, is never an excuse to feel deprived, disgraced or damned. There are other kinds of relationships besides marriage in which the sense of worth and the satisfaction of reciprocity can be realized. Cherish your friendships. Feel good about your achievements. Be grateful for the blessings you enjoy and for the regrets you do not have.
(2) Seize Solitude, Shun Loneliness
Language . . . has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.— Paul Tillich, Philosopher
Loneliness becomes overwhelming when you focus on the sadness, the boredom, the sense of abandonment which comes with being alone. Trade those negative thoughts for a positive perspective. Solitude becomes precious when you take advantage of the privacy, the peace and quiet, the freedom to accommodate no-one else but you for a little while.
Play your kind of music at the volume you like. Revisit some of your journal entries and laugh out loud. Speak your thoughts while your dream the dream you’re not ready to share. When company shows up again, forgive them for disturbing your sweet solitude.
(3) If You Must Cheat to Get It, Forget It
There are many people who suspect that the single woman is mostly unfulfilled, especially if she lives alone: no guaranteed companionship, no one to share financial obligations, no emotional support. Some of these people are unprincipled enough to believe that they can seduce the woman into compromising her worth in order to supply her needs.
Better to be humble and seek help from trusted friends and family members, than to trade favors with someone who wants an immoral payoff. No secret gifts from husbands who have to lie to their wives about it, no unlawful change of grade from professors who think your morale needs it, no after hours rendezvous with the boss who tries to buy you for some overtime pay. You lose much more (more of yourself) than you gain when you sell out your conscience.
Budget your money wisely to meet your financial needs. Trim from your list some items you want but can do without. Learn contentment and practice patience. Maintain integrity at all times.
Ben Dean Ph.D. presents research findings which show that acting with integrity has social benefits; that when people are asked to list desired qualities in a partner, honesty is almost, always at the top.
(4) You Deserve to Be Admired, Not Abused
The single woman who is desperate for companionship is likely to ignore the red flags which signal an abuser, but here is a warning to keep your eyes wide open.
Friendships are meant to provide affirmation, assistance, advice, accountability but never abuse. In the company of real friends the mood is usually cheerful, and afterwards, mutual feelings of being uplifted and enthused. Do not endure discomfort, just because everyone else thinks he’s a good catch, or that’s just the way he is.
If there is habitual humiliation, aggravation, interrogation about who called on the cell phone and what the conversation was about; if he’s always proving that you’re not as good a writer, or teacher, or driver as you think you are; if he constantly jokes about how fat or bow-legged you look; if he pushes, shoves, hits, slaps no matter how playful; if you always have to do what he wants and your wishes are never considered, these unwanted actions could only grow worse with time.
You have qualities which deserve to be admired, regardless of the strengths you do not have. If instead of confessing his attraction to your virtues, he is more often repulsed by your weaknesses, he does not deserve you.
Some Early Signs of Abuse in A Relationship
feel afraid of your partner most of the time
ignores or puts down your opinions or accomplishments
wonder if you're the one who is crazy
has a bad and unpredictable temper
feel that you cannot do anything right for your partner
blames you for his own abusive behaviors
feel emotionally numb or helpless
acts excessively jealous and possessive
(5) Excel as a Woman, Even If Not as a Mother
Motherhood is sacred, and most young women agree with that fact when they realize the sacrifices that their mothers made. However, it is only one of the roles that women play. Yes, the woman-daughter bond is considered the most important female bond. You had that as a daughter, so not experiencing the mother’s side of the bond does make you totally bereft of mother-child love. The following quote expresses how some women feel.
Not all women need have babies; they are neither morally nor biologically defective if they do not. Women are more than their wombs.— Mary Warnock, Educator and Author
If later, you feel called to be a mother through adoption, you get to choose the child and you get to choose the time. If you’d rather forego the motherhood experience completely, you’re still a woman. You’re neither defective nor deficient. You have more time to enjoy vacation time abroad; more girlfriend time at celebrations and reunions; more ability to volunteer for, and write checks to worthy causes. You have more energy to pursue and fulfill your goals. Some mothers can do all this too, but there's no need for comparison. The point is that you succeed despite not having the mother accolade.
Excelling in womanhood means being the best woman that you can be. It is likely that an excellent woman can become an excellent wife and/or mother if she chooses.
Questions & Answers
© 2017 Dora Weithers