Updated date:

Smart Things to Tell Your Single Daughter

MsDora—parent, grandparent, Christian counselor—offers suggestions on raising confident, conscientious, responsible, productive children.

"Single" in this article describes a young woman who is not only unmarried; she does not have a sexual partner. What she has is a desire to live and enjoy a life of integrity, and a parent who supports her moral lifestyle. Believe it or not, some of these people are still around.

Here are a few reminders for the parent who wants to help his or her daughter enjoy her singleness.

Help your daughter enjoy her singleness.

Help your daughter enjoy her singleness.

Women want to craft a life instead of having it pressed upon them. And that means some of us will be single for a long time, and some of us will be single for life.

— Pepper Schwartz, Sociology Professor

(1) Some Good Women Marry; Some Don't

There are several reasons that good women may not get married. They may still believe in marriage, home and family but they do not want it just any price. They hold out for the kind of love they desire, and if it does not come within the timetable they set, they give up and refocus. It doesn’t mean that they’re not marriageable; it means that they’re in control.

Singleness, for whatever reason, is never an excuse to feel deprived, disgraced or damned. There are other kinds of relationships besides marriage in which the sense of worth and the satisfaction of reciprocity can be realized. Cherish your friendships. Feel good about your achievements. Be grateful for the blessings you enjoy and for the regrets you do not have.

(2) Seize Solitude, Shun Loneliness

Seize Solitude, Shun Loneliness

Seize Solitude, Shun Loneliness

Language . . . has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.

— Paul Tillich, Philosopher

Loneliness becomes overwhelming when you focus on the sadness, the boredom, the sense of abandonment which comes with being alone. Trade those negative thoughts for a positive perspective. Solitude becomes precious when you take advantage of the privacy, the peace and quiet, the freedom to accommodate no-one else but you for a little while.

Play your kind of music at the volume you like. Revisit some of your journal entries and laugh out loud. Speak your thoughts while your dream the dream you’re not ready to share. When company shows up again, forgive them for disturbing your sweet solitude.

(3) If You Must Cheat to Get It, Forget It

There are many people who suspect that the single woman is mostly unfulfilled, especially if she lives alone: no guaranteed companionship, no one to share financial obligations, no emotional support. Some of these people are unprincipled enough to believe that they can seduce the woman into compromising her worth in order to supply her needs.

Better to be humble and seek help from trusted friends and family members, than to trade favors with someone who wants an immoral payoff. No secret gifts from husbands who have to lie to their wives about it, no unlawful change of grade from professors who think your morale needs it, no after hours rendezvous with the boss who tries to buy you for some overtime pay. You lose much more (more of yourself) than you gain when you sell out your conscience.

Budget your money wisely to meet your financial needs. Trim from your list some items you want but can do without. Learn contentment and practice patience. Maintain integrity at all times.

Ben Dean Ph.D. presents research findings which show that acting with integrity has social benefits; that when people are asked to list desired qualities in a partner, honesty is almost, always at the top.

(4) You Deserve to Be Admired, Not Abused

The single woman who is desperate for companionship is likely to ignore the red flags which signal an abuser, but here is a warning to keep your eyes wide open.

Friendships are meant to provide affirmation, assistance, advice, accountability but never abuse. In the company of real friends the mood is usually cheerful, and afterwards, mutual feelings of being uplifted and enthused. Do not endure discomfort, just because everyone else thinks he’s a good catch, or that’s just the way he is.

If there is habitual humiliation, aggravation, interrogation about who called on the cell phone and what the conversation was about; if he’s always proving that you’re not as good a writer, or teacher, or driver as you think you are; if he constantly jokes about how fat or bow-legged you look; if he pushes, shoves, hits, slaps no matter how playful; if you always have to do what he wants and your wishes are never considered, these unwanted actions could only grow worse with time.

You have qualities which deserve to be admired, regardless of the strengths you do not have. If instead of confessing his attraction to your virtues, he is more often repulsed by your weaknesses, he does not deserve you.

Some Early Signs of Abuse in A Relationship

Table items extracted from "Domestic Violence and Abuse" on HelpGuide.org

YouYour Friend

feel afraid of your partner most of the time

ignores or puts down your opinions or accomplishments

wonder if you're the one who is crazy

has a bad and unpredictable temper

feel that you cannot do anything right for your partner

blames you for his own abusive behaviors

feel emotionally numb or helpless

acts excessively jealous and possessive

(5) Excel as a Woman, Even If Not as a Mother

Excel as a Woman, Even If Not as a Mother

Excel as a Woman, Even If Not as a Mother

Motherhood is sacred, and most young women agree with that fact when they realize the sacrifices that their mothers made. However, it is only one of the roles that women play. Yes, the woman-daughter bond is considered the most important female bond. You had that as a daughter, so not experiencing the mother’s side of the bond does make you totally bereft of mother-child love. The following quote expresses how some women feel.

Not all women need have babies; they are neither morally nor biologically defective if they do not. Women are more than their wombs.

— Mary Warnock, Educator and Author

If later, you feel called to be a mother through adoption, you get to choose the child and you get to choose the time. If you’d rather forego the motherhood experience completely, you’re still a woman. You’re neither defective nor deficient. You have more time to enjoy vacation time abroad; more girlfriend time at celebrations and reunions; more ability to volunteer for, and write checks to worthy causes. You have more energy to pursue and fulfill your goals. Some mothers can do all this too, but there's no need for comparison. The point is that you succeed despite not having the mother accolade.

Excelling in womanhood means being the best woman that you can be. It is likely that an excellent woman can become an excellent wife and/or mother if she chooses.

© 2017 Dora Weithers

Comments

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on August 10, 2017:

Laura, you made my day letting me know that you feel better about your singleness. Thank you, and keep on enjoying your life!

Laura Smith from Pittsburgh, PA on August 09, 2017:

You do such a good job of beating down the stereotypes and showing that there can be multiple reasons and motivations for being single, all of which are valid. This made me feel a lot better about my singleness. Thanks so much.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on August 05, 2017:

Mona, I sometimes say things to my daughter about topics which she thinks I should leave to her judgment. When she complains I tell her that it is my my parental privilege. Thanks for your insightful input.

Mona Sabalones Gonzalez from Philippines on August 05, 2017:

You have such wonderful advice here, Ms. Dora. I think that those whom you counsel are very, very fortunate. What you write here is very true, but so hard to put into practice. However, it all begins with saying and providing the guidance that a single daughter needs. If a parent doesn't say it, then nothing will definitely happen.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on August 03, 2017:

Jackie, everyone who tries does not succeed immediately, and trust is a better response than regret. Trust the God who says, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9) Ask Him to apply His strength where you were weak to bring your daughter into His will. Claim her for His Kingdom and trust Him with your whole heart to grant you the desire of your motherly heart. There could be some divine purpose in His having her take the long route. He didn't promise a smooth sail, but a safe harbor.

Jackie Lynnley from the beautiful south on August 03, 2017:

Some great advice Dora. It is sure not easy living for God and trying to make the right decisions and helping our daughter to do that has to begin at a very young age setting examples for sure. I didn't succeed and I will always regret that. God knows it is what I wanted for her and I still pray there is hope.

Bless you for your guidance articles. I hope many will heed your advice and knowledge.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on July 28, 2017:

Lady E, thank you for reading, affirming and sharing these counsels which may be old-fashioned but still principled. I appreciate you.

Elena from London, UK on July 28, 2017:

Very touching and useful Hub. I like it a lot and will tweet it. Those who get counselling from you are very lucky. In this day and age, people do laugh at those who are single in their 40s / 50s and teens make fun of friends who have no boyfriend, that they are intimate with....calling them "Nerds". Peer pressure has such an influence. Thanks and God Bless.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on July 11, 2017:

Cynthia, if one young woman benefits from this article, I am super-happy. Life can be enjoyable even when it is not constructed in a traditional manner. Thank you for reading and sharing.

Cynthia Zirkwitz from Vancouver Island, Canada on July 10, 2017:

Dear Dora, Everything you have written is wisdom for a lovely young woman I know, and I am quite sure she will take this article to heart. Thank you for sharing these potentially "hard truths" in your gentle, elegant and eloquent way.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on July 08, 2017:

Ryan, such a kind comment from a male is encouraging. Thank you so much.

Ryan Benjamin from Nottingham, UK on July 07, 2017:

Strong message Dora, nicely presented Hub as well.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on July 05, 2017:

Thanks, Dream. I join you in wishing for positive images of single, happy women. It begins with the women appreciating who they are and practicing zero tolerance for anything less than they deserve. Yes, singleness has is its special joys.

DREAM ON on July 05, 2017:

Wouldn't it be nice to see positive commercials on t.v. promoting I am single and loving it. When and if the time comes where I meet the right person who loves me for who I am then I will also enjoy and cherish that time. Each period of our lives is special. I never understood how husbands or boyfriends can mistreat any woman. The sad thoughts make me sick. The more woman understand they are not alone and deserve the utmost respect and love all the time. Thank you for helping so many women in need. Have a lovely day.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on June 19, 2017:

Shauna, I know what you mean about "having myself to myself." Enjoy your freedom and solitude. Stay happy!

Shauna L Bowling from Central Florida on June 19, 2017:

Wonderful article, Dora.

I'm fortunate to have become a mother during my first marriage. I'm glad I'm a mom but it certainly doesn't define me. I'm now twice divorced and honestly prefer not having a husband or significant other. I enjoy my solitude and freedom to be me without having to answer to anyone. My son's a young adult now, so he no longer depends on me. It's nice having myself to myself again.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on June 17, 2017:

Lawrence, I hear you. Morality for the single daughter is the same morality for all. Thanks for your observation.

Lawrence Hebb on June 16, 2017:

Ms Dora

I think this is great advice for most people.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on June 07, 2017:

Allie, I can relate, being an only child also. Thank you for your kind, encouraging comment.

Allie Brito on June 07, 2017:

Wonderful words of wisdom to live by for all women, especially young women.

However, number 2 can be useful for women of all ages- solitude does not have to be tied to "loneliness"! Growing up an only child I spent a lot of time alone, but never felt lonely due to the overwhelming amount of love I received from my Mother who served as an example of a strong, single woman who had her own hobbies and passions. I attribute those times to my ability to really appreciate my "me" moments today!

Thanks you for this inspiring article!

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on June 03, 2017:

Thanks, Devika. Both mothers and daughter, if they are single, can benefit from these points.

DDE on June 02, 2017:

Important points indeed! Advice for all women.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on June 02, 2017:

Dream, thank you for your encouraging comment. True, singleness is as real as it gets for some individuals, and is no reason to deprive themselves of the real joy that accompanies it. It's all about attitude and complete surrender to God's purpose for our lives.

DREAM ON on June 01, 2017:

Ms Dora You captured a young woman and all her innocence and strength. She has every right to enjoy all the freedoms and love life has to offer with or without a partner. Society has too long pushed on marriage in ads and television to sell an image that is not real. I think there is nothing more wonderful than a woman who knows what she wants and will let no one decide for her. Thank you for writing and sharing your beliefs and values.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on June 01, 2017:

Tamara, you're an inspiration. It's all about being contented with your situation and looking for something positive in every situation.

Tamara Moore on May 29, 2017:

Wonderful advice! I find solitude in being alone, and though I do enjoy to be in the company of a few close friends, now and then, I also enjoy the serenity of just doing my own thing, and being in constant communication with The Lord.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on May 23, 2017:

Flourish, you said it so well. "She is perfectly enough as is." It would be great if all the single women valued themselves enough to believe and act accordingly.

FlourishAnyway from USA on May 23, 2017:

This is wonderful wisdom and I am so glad you addressed the issue of not having children. One does not need a child or a man to be a whole woman. She is perfectly enough as is. If she chooses that path then great, but if she does not there are other positive ways to contribute to society and seek personal fulfillment.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on May 22, 2017:

Bill, this article came out of my preparation for a woman's mentoring workshop. There's just so much I wish that they would listen to--from me or from other older people who their interest at heart.

William Kovacic from Pleasant Gap, PA on May 22, 2017:

I hope many, many people read this one, Dora. Well presented and much needed. I especially like #4. You show so much wisdom in hubs. My only hope is that people will apply it. Thanks for all you do.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on May 21, 2017:

Linda, these pieces of advice are good for me too, being single. Glad to share them for the benefit of younger singles, and hoping like you do that they read them. Thanks for reading.

Linda Crampton from British Columbia, Canada on May 21, 2017:

You've shared some great advice that I hope many people read. There's definitely a difference between solitude and loneliness, as you've explained.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on May 20, 2017:

Thanks, Doc. Affirmation coming from you means very much to me. True, there are many who wished they had waited instead of bowing to pressure. We have to reach the younger ones before they make the same mistake.

Yvette Stupart PhD from Jamaica on May 20, 2017:

This is great advice, Ms Dora. Many single young women get into dysfunctional relationships because they feel pressured. But they need to know they should be nurtured and not abused in their relationships and they should not settle for less.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on May 19, 2017:

Carolyn, thanks for your affirmation. That quote by Tillich reminds us that whether alone or in company, its our choice of focus that determines how we feel. Good for all but especially the singles.

Carolyn Fields from South Dakota, USA on May 19, 2017:

Yet another one of your hubs that I love! I especially like how you differentiate between "lonliness" and "solitude" -

Language . . . has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.

This is so important! Some people don't "get it" when a person (actually male or female) just wants to be left alone. You don't have to go to all the parties, or have guests over to "make up" for not having a partner. You can desire to just be by yourself.

Thanks for the post!

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on May 18, 2017:

Thanks, Lori. Like you, I have held on over the years to God's promise never to leave me nor forsake me. I always have His company - never lonely!

Lori Colbo from Pacific Northwest on May 18, 2017:

Fantastic advice and perspective Dora. The second one particularly resonated with me.

When my husband and I got divorced, my mother couldn't understand why I was not interested in dating or seeking out a husband. She felt that in order to have a complete, fulfilling life, and to feel greatly valued, one has to have a man. That is so far from who I am and what I want (and don't want). I have been on my own now for 17 years. I had 25 years of unhappiness with my former husband. I don't have any commitment left in me for a partner. It's enough to have a relationship with God. I love solitude, I love being able to do all the things you mentioned in #2. I'm never lonely in regards to being alone and without a husband. The only loneliness I've experienced was due to a huge struggle in my life where I feel few people understand. But I have plenty to do at home, and I am complete in the Lord who will never abuse or betray me. I have many other reasons I choose to remain single but in context of your piece here this is how I feel.

Your single daughter is very blessed to have you as a mother.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on May 18, 2017:

Manatita, when they assume the responsibility of wives and mothers before they are aptly prepared, or in relationships that are burdensome, their youth and health fade quickly. We want to enjoy their singleness and not trade it just for the status of being married. Glad you appreciate that.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on May 18, 2017:

Denise, thanks for your kind comment. Single young women need to focus on the fulfillment of their purpose more than on the fulfillment of society's expectations. The contributions you mention are very meaningful.

manatita44 from london on May 18, 2017:

Very well written and a necessary Hub for young single women.

There are many in my group. The eyes of a seeker is always sparkling and full of life. They look so young and healthy!!

Kudos to you and all mothers for following the path of goodness and Light.

Denise W Anderson from Bismarck, North Dakota on May 18, 2017:

I love this article! So often we think of single women as "incomplete," that they have not been able to reach the fulfillment of those who have found life-long partners through marriage. I know many single women who have contributed much to society with their love and service, their desire for the welfare of others, and their quiet confidence and strength. Thanks for reminding us of this!

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on May 18, 2017:

Oh, Bill. Number 4 is so important. Young women are experiencing more abuse than we imagine. They seem not ot know that they do not have to tolerate it. How much abuse do they think they have to take before they walk away?

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on May 18, 2017:

Ann, thanks for your affirmation. I love doing seminars (one this weekend in Texas); would be great to come to England. Nothing wrong with dreaming. Thanks for your input.

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on May 18, 2017:

A wonderful tutorial for any young woman, Dora! I love #4 in particular.

Ann Carr from SW England on May 18, 2017:

Sound advice, Dora; something which you're so good at. I'd like to hear some of your presentations. I'm sure they're inspiring.

I think mothers sometimes wish they had more 'me' time and often cast an envious eye at the single woman. They are certainly to be admired, certainly not scoffed at.

This should be part of the curriculum for girls before they leave school; they would learn much and self-esteem is one of the most important.

Brilliant!

Ann