Quirkyalone Is Better Than Together Alone

Updated on September 8, 2016
Henry Bemis profile image

Adam has been a writer for years, Covering a wide selection of subjects in nonfiction and fiction. Still quirkyalone, Adam lives in Portland

They Have A Term For Everything and One Nowadays

I have always been a loner. I just value my personal space and would rather be alone with my thoughts then apart of a large group. Besides, when I open my mouth it's usually to dispense something awkward or only sounded funny or insightful in my head. Outside of it, well, refer to the awkward comment. I have always had a difficult time finding a partner. It could be from lack of trying or it could be I am just an acquired taste, honestly, I don't know and I don't really care. I am who I am and I won't change for anyone but me. Stubborn? No, I don't think it is. I knew that if and when I met the right woman it would not make a difference, basically, I would only have to change to be with someone that wasn't right for who I was.

For years, I dated sparingly, I wouldn't go out just because, if I wasn't genuinely interested in the mystery introduction either from friends, friend's girlfriends and co-workers, I wouldn't do it. I was thought weird because women were not my primary reason for functioning, well, not women, sex, at least with my guy friends. It's strange, most of my guy friends are Alpha males. I am not. If we were still Hunter Gathers I would be out picking berries right now instead of writing. Nothing to be ashamed of, I just hold little value in pointless competition that proves nothing or playing the "one up" game. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, and while we could survive for a year off the oxygen that just one of their egos sucks up in an hour, they are awesome people who are always making each other laugh, sometimes at one of our expenses. Alpha males are all about being in charge, being the best, and sowing the proverbial seeds. Eat, sleep and ... well, you get it.

I am the opposite, I fell in with these guys and, like a fungus you can try and stop it but, before too long I just grow on you. We all worked together in the late nineties and have known each other for almost twenty years. So, of course, I get tortured a lot. Always asking why I am always alone, why I never have a girl with me. Strange again, why is it so important to all these people that I have a girlfriend? How does it affect them either way? I never understood that. The jokes and subtle jabs at my sexuality of course come about and it is usually pretty funny, albeit, not something for public discourse.

Don't get me wrong, I love sex as much as the next person. However, like I said, it's not my main drive in life. Wonderful when it comes along, yet not my day's pursuit like a junkie trying to sell a microwave for his fix. Working, and now observing, the industry of restaurant/bar people the great lengths men will go to in order to impress a woman and not for reasons of chivalry or just being nice, funny when it works, hysterical when it doesn't. The First Date Bomb is another beloved observation of mine, watching it slowly go down in flames until it impact and usually in tremendous fashion. There's one woman I have seen come to the restaurant every week for at least the past two months. Every time it's a new date and every time she gets way too drunk way too fast. Most of the men sit there and laugh nervously while others attempt direct advantageous ideas that staff have to intercept or at least watch closely. I feel for her, she seems like a sweet girl, probably just shy and needs, or thinks she does, liquid courage to be sociable. To be nervous on a date should be an accepted and expected emotion. Besides, if you need drugs to be a fun person, then you are not a fun person.

Watching my couple friends fight is also another past time. I know two that everyone including them, question why they remain a couple. Neither one can provide a good answer besides the expected "I Love Him/Her." The truth is they are complacent, fearful of the unknown, of change. A pity, however, most relationships, including marriages, are ones of complacency. Staying for the sake of staying or fear of being alone forever, losing friends and being shunned. All of that inspires people to live their lives either miserable or at least forlorn in spirit. Sounds great, why did I not do that?

A woman is like a tattoo, I like them but I can't find one I want permanently. Well, I did, once, but that's another story. I don't like string dating, I don't like dating for the sake of it. There is no handbook that says you must do it, besides, I am thirty-six years old, I don't want to play the game. That's the shitty part: if it wasn't a game, I would. As it is that's what it amounts to these days. Lies, misunderstandings, borderline sexual assault, and fear of the unknown lead to no shows, never making plans and texting they will and ghosts. Is it really worth the trouble?

I assumed loner was what classified me and since I don't give a shit about labels I didn't pursue the matter beyond that. Until recently...

Classification Is Separation

Every now and then, when the shadows are closing in and the winter wind litters dried leaves around the city, I will feel lonely. Now I know it's the change of season, there's something about the transition into Fall and Winter that inspires dark forebodings and feelings of want and angst. Maybe it's the cold, or the shorter days, or maybe its a primal trigger, since it would have been time for hibernation, hunkering down with someone for warmth, survival? Maybe it's just deep seated in our minds by environment, society, and pressures from all of it. I don't know. It never hit me like that the rest of the year, so it is time to go back in the arena.

Being a non-drinker and shy in person, I do what most introverts do. Online dating. I went to a popular site and began filling in the preliminary information; Name, Age, Location. When it came to sexual orientation I expected a short drop down menu; Straight, Gay, or Bisexual. Been that way for as long as I can remember. Although, no drop down menu. Instead I was redirected to a page that had no less than ten sexual orientation choices. The original trinity was still there however it shared title space with classifications such as Sapiosexual (attracted to intelligence), polyamorous,(multiple partners in relationship), Pansexual (attraction to the person not the gender) and even asexual, no gender at all. I knew there were terms for all of it, I just wasn't aware there were so many. I had been ignorant to the idea that validation and classification were so important.

Why? Why do we need classifications for everything? Why can't people just do what they do, disregard a title and be themselves instead of seeking a group, or hive mentality? I don't know. We all do it. Long to be among like minds, which isn't a bag thing, I suppose. It's just strange to me that the original trinity of straight, gay, bi wasn't enough. You like both genders, Bisexual, if you like your gender that's Homosexual, if you like those of the opposite gender monogamously, that's Heterosexual, like both genders and are married to opposite gender, Swinger. Which could just be Bisexual.

I had to research most of the terms and I found that some are even redundant, no matter, it's not my problem. Then, while researching what a Furry is and instantly regretting finding out, I found the term on the same list that made me realize why people wanted them. After years of struggling to explain to people that my lifestyle was a choice, finally, a word to sum it all up, a word to explain all. I had found my people. I was washed in class fever.

I was quirkyalone.

Classy System - Article Polls

Do You Feel Classification Is Out Of Control Or Necessary?

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A person who enjoys being single and/or solitude, however, is not opposed to being in a relationship, and prefers to be alone rather than dating for the sake of being in a couple.

It's Not A Choice; Born This Way

Sasha Cagen is the American author responsible for the quirkyalone movement. She coined the phrase in her book, "Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for the Uncompromising Romantic". Since then, singles have found solace knowing that there are not just plenty of us but that it is recognized. Others say it is redundant and the term for people fitting the discription existed long ago; introverted. I can argue that I have known plenty of introverts, ironically we seem to gravitate towards each other, and I have seen plenty of them date because it was what a single person was supposed to do. Remember our First Date Bomb girl from earlier? I would wager she was an introvert hence needing the booze to come out of her shell. Instead, maybe she should just accept it and realize it's inevitably a part of her with no clear way to disengage the mentality. There are plenty of us who don't mind and would find vast comfort in knowing our potential partner was a Level 6 Homebody as well.

No, quirkyalone is not just introverted. Now, all quirkyalones may be introverted but not all introverts are quirkyalone is not true either. There are extroverts who claim to follow the quirkyalone lifestyle and still maintain an active social life, suffice it to say, they are few and far between and likely misunderstanding the phrase. Besides, the active social life negates the primary reason behind being quirkyalone. No, it takes a special person to be a true QA and it's not something that can be taken on lightly, especially if you are a social animal. It's not a lifestyle, it's just natural. There is no other way to see it, most of us have always felt this way yet never had a word to describe it because we didn't need one, it was just us. Some are born to move among others and change or alter the courses of the masses, others are meant to be the mob, the masses and follow those who lead, then there are some who buck the system and butt heads with authority. In comes the quirkyalone, we don't want anything to do with either group and want to be alone where we don't have to worry about the pressures or forlornings of others. We do best here, not because we are mean, cold or unfriendly, we just like it. There's a certain feeling of content and peace that comes from being alone, able to focus on your work, art, thoughts, whatever you enjoy doing. For me it's the pursuit of self-education and writing. I feel writing is almost a natural reaction for the quirkyalone, seems that all writers would be quirkyalone. At least on the surface.

So, no, you don't have to change your lifestyle because if you really are a QA then you are already living by the very definition of the word. It's not a change or a new way of thinking, it's just who we are.

The Manifesto That Inspired A New Class. Check Out;

Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics
Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics
Sasha Cagen is the author of this book that explains the quirkyalone concept and living as one. Sasha is responsible for coining the phrase circa 2002. This book is engaging, witty and fun while bringing a new and thankful way to explain why some of us just rather be alone. Happy as well.

Better to be quirky alone than unhappy together.

— Anita Hamilton

Alone But Never All Alone

When people hear someone classify as quirkyalone , some people show understanding while many of them look on in confusion. So, while it's nice being able to use one word, the caveat is no one really knows what it means yet. Ergo, still having to explain it despite the newest addition to the lexicon of awkward peoples.The number one response is usually something like; "Yeah right. You know you get lonely. Everybody does!"

Do we ever get lonely? Well, I can't speak for all of us, I can say that I do from time to time. It's inevitable , I suppose. Up and down, balance. However, it, like most torrent emotions, fades quickly like a cheap high, although you are glad this one is over. Then back to your passions, hobbies, and anything else you want to do. I like to go to a local hangout and do some writing or other task to get out of the house, one of the perils of remote working is cabin fever. I like to people watch, see and hear how they interact with each other. It's nice to watch those interactions, gives me ideas for stories or articles, and I also get to see my friends and generally have a good time. You see? Quirkyalone doesn't mean exile or isolation, it has nothing to do with that, nor does it imply you shouldn't have friends. It's more about sharing your life with someone. We just want to make sure it's the right someone. As I listen to my intoxicated neighbors yelling at each other, playing their music at top level, and the husband screaming like a WWF wrestler, I have a strong desire to remain quirkyalone.

Quirky Questions - Article Poll #2

Do You Think Quirkyalone Is Right For You?

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The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but building the new.

— Socrates

Change Is A Natural Part Of Life - Conclusion

Whatever you identify with, just make sure it's you and what you want to be and not just trying to identify at any cost. There is a difference between quirkyalone and just being quirky and alone. Labels are truly inconsequential and although I allude to being ecstatic about the discovery, late I know but not really the stuff I follow, the truth is I couldn't care less. I am who I am and that's just the way it is. I like the idea of the term and it's handy, nevertheless, I would still be this way with or without it. However, I do agree with the quote that alludes to being quirkyalone is better than being a couple and unhappy.

Why do so many people stay in mediocre or loveless marriages? Complacency. We fall into routine, things become familiar, comfortable. So it goes. We are creatures of habit and when our routines are disrupted things tend to unravel and the carpet is pulled from beneath our feet. To even think about losing what you have become accustomed to is a prescription for the fear in the pit of your stomach to build. How would life go on if things fell apart?

Life would. I have seen it and I have experienced it. No matter how guarded you are or how safe you feel, there is always the dice game of chaos being played at every choice we make and every action and phrase we use. In an instant it can all come crashing down at your feet and everything you had become use to, is now foreign, different.

However, you are deceiving yourself. It's not the familiar that has changed, it is your way of seeing things. Altered from the change. Everything will feel different until once again we fall into complacency or worst, dull the noise of life with alcohol and drugs. The ultimate obscenity is not doing what you feel, not feeling! Just drawing back and drawing in. Letting the curtains close and the darkness settle over you.

You see? No shock. No engulfment. No tearing asunder. What you feared would come as an explosion is like a whisper. What you thought was the end is really the beginning.

— Rod Serling


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    • dashingscorpio profile image


      3 years ago from Chicago

      Life is a (personal) journey!

      Ultimately as long as the individual is happy that's all that matters.

      The world may not owe you anything but (you) owe yourself the world!


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