10 Ways to Get Rid of Your Fear of Being Forever Single

Updated on July 8, 2015
Feel like you'll never find the one? It's simply not true. Reshape your perspective with these steps.
Feel like you'll never find the one? It's simply not true. Reshape your perspective with these steps. | Source

After a few cycles of bad dates and dead-end relationships, I started to think, "Oh my goodness, I'm going to be alone forever. There must me something wrong with me!" Then of course, years went by, I slapped some sense into myself, and I found a great partner, but I also realized how widespread this fear is.

Everyone I know is either trying to find someone, forget someone, or deal with someone. The desire for loving attachment is one of the most basic, enduring, and natural human needs. A lot of people out there feel like they will never find love. They have a nagging feeling that maybe they are "doomed" to be alone forever, or maybe they are too "flawed" to be loved—and that, my friends, is a very painful thing to feel.

I want you to believe you are a worthy person. I want you to believe that you deserve to be loved and to find a romantic partner that will cherish you. Get rid of the fear of being forever single, because it is just that: a fear, an emotion that you have about yourself, a belief about your future—not reality.

Here are 10 ways to help you see things the way they really are:

1. Stop Criticizing Yourself

Take an honest look at how often you put yourself down during an average day. How often do you criticize yourself by telling yourself things like: I'm so stupid. I'm too fat. I'm too old. I'm ugly. I'm damaged goods. I always screw things up. I'm an idiot. And so on and so forth. Rings a bell? Well if you talk to yourself in this way, your mood will drop, your fears and insecurities will increase, and you are basically conditioning yourself to believe you are an unworthy person. Your thoughts have a direct impact on how you feel.

It's simple. Think good things: feel good. Think bad things: feel bad.

You are doing this to yourself! Stop it! Be gentle with yourself. Maybe someone else made you believe you were unworthy through criticism, abuse, or rejection. Don't give your power away just because some fool criticized you. Honey, you're the bomb! Who was this fool, anyway? Forgive yourself for making mistakes. When the voice of negative self-talk comes on, try this: Tell the voice to leave you alone; tell your inner voice to stop pestering you; say to yourself: I'm a worthy person. It's a no brainer, hot-stuff: if you keep focusing on your perceived shortcomings, you'll trick yourself into believing no one will ever want to be with you.

2. Feel Good About Yourself

This cannot be said enough. Imagine you walked into a car dealership and the salesman told you he had a car for you. He says, "Well, it's kinda old and beat up. It still runs, but it's high on gas, there's a few scratches on the paint, and I'm not sure how reliable it is." Now, how much would you want to buy that car? You'd be out of there in a New York second and looking for something better in no time, I'm quite sure. Why? Because if the person selling you the car doesn't even believe in the quality of the car, why should you?

This is exactly why you need to increase your confidence and self-esteem. If you don't believe in what you are selling, then why should others? Confidence is attractive. If you believe you have something valuable to offer, so will others. The more you truly love yourself, the more convinced you'll be that you will find your soul mate.

3. Realize You Have Something Valuable to Offer

What are some of your great qualities? Are you an honest, hard-working, sensitive person? Are you an athletic, artistic, family-oriented individual? Are a relaxed, easy-going person, or an organized, efficient person? Not only can you find someone who shares the same interests and qualities that you hold, but you can also complement (not complete with!) your future partner by bringing in your own strengths to the relationship. Basically, don't think only about what you want from a relationship, but think about what you bring to a relationship and how someone will be happy to benefit from your great qualities.

4. Change the Way You Think and Feel About the Opposite Sex

So many individuals hold false beliefs about the opposite sex. Because you've had bad experiences, your way to appraise the opposite sex has changed.

What are the beliefs you hold about the opposite sex? Do you think things like:

  • All men are jerks.
  • Men only want sex.
  • Men fear relationships.
  • Men can't be faithful.
  • All women are gold diggers.
  • All women are emotional explosions.
  • All the good ones are taken.

Well, that's simply not true. Men want love and marriage just as much as women do. There are still plenty of great, fun-loving, charming, and gentle people out there. If you hold these negative thoughts about the opposite sex, your fear of staying single forever multiplies because you are constantly telling yourself that there is no one for you out there. I know a ton of great single males and females who would love to be in a reciprocal loving relationship. A ton!

5. Change the Way You Think and Feel About Being Single

Have you noticed how being married and having children has become a measure of personal success and worth? There seems to be tremendous social pressure to be in a relationship, especially for women. No matter how successful a woman is, if she's single, people think she's either unhappy or so difficult to get along with that she can't make a relationship work. This makes being single look like some sort of personal failure. You are not a failure. Your personal value is exactly the same whether you are single or in a relationship. Honestly, you could be in a relationship today if you wanted to. It probably wouldn't be a great relationship, but you'd be in a relationship. So being single just means that you want to wait for Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now; or it can mean you have taken time to heal from your previous relationship (which seems wise).

6. Focus on What You Do Have

Be grateful for friends and family. Your fear of being alone makes you feel and act desperate (I know—I've been there, too). But nobody wants to fill the position of the interchangeable boyfriend or girlfriend. People want to know you love them for who they are, and that you don't just need someone to take care of you. Be grateful for all the beautiful things that you do have. Focusing on the one thing that is missing from your life makes you miss the larger picture: You have tons of great things going for you already!

7. Schedule Activities Every Week and Enjoy Yourself

Make the most of your time alone and enjoy yourself. Being in a relationship leaves less time for hanging out with friends, reading books, scheduling activities that are just for you (no matter how great your new boyfriend is, I doubt he'll want to go have bikini wax with you). See this as a relational-vacation time! Go out there and have some fun. By filling your life with activities, you won't focus on the "emptiness" as much. Instead, you'll see that you have a rich life, and you'll feel happier. Being happier will make you an instant date-magnet! People want to be around happy people. Confidence is the most attractive outfit.

8. Don't Idealize Other People's Relationships

Unfortunately, feeling loved and building a significant relationship is so important that a lot of people will prefer to stay in a bad relationship than to be single. Some people build relationships before they get rid of their fear of being single and alone, before they identify what they want, or before they heal the hurt of past relationships. Are you part of those who try to heal the hurt from a previous relationship with the next? Some people who do this are lucky enough to find a good partner, yes, but not everyone. Some fall into relationships that don't correspond to their personal needs and they wake up 10 years later caught in the middle of a relationship full of turmoil. Not all couples are happy ones. Be grateful that you have something new and shiny to look forward to—you can wait and choose the kind of partner that really corresponds with your needs.

9. Don't Be Jealous of Other's Relationships

Do you feel a pang of bitterness when your colleague tells you she's getting married? Or when your friend tells you about an amazing date that she's had? You might be thinking "Why her? Why not me?"—and there goes your day. Feel happy for people who find their soul mate, send out positive thoughts out to happy couples you meet on the street. When you see a happy couple holding hands, think: "How lovely, that's what I want! I can't wait to see who'll be the person holding my hand soon!" This positive thought automatically shifts your perspective and formulates an optimistic view of your own relational future.

10. Seek Professional Help

If you need a bit of extra support in building your self-worth, why not seek help from a therapist? On your path to building greater love and respect or yourself, a little of support and validation can go a long way. Going to therapy doesn't mean there is something "wrong" with you; it means you've decided to take matters in your own hands and to recruit a professional to help you reach your goal.

Thanks for reading. All the best, and don't forget to love yourself!

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    • profile image

      Dom 

      4 weeks ago

      I feel like I'm too young to be saying this (i'm 16). But I don't have faith in ever being in a relationship. I have a couple of disorders or whatever they're called such as ADHD, Aspergers, and TICS. If I honestly had a girlfriend, I would try to be as Supportive, Honest, and Loyal to them to the best of my ability. I know that i'm probably doing this to myself because i'm telling myself these things, and idk what I can do about it. I'm not afraid of committing suicide because i am TERRIFIED of anything that can kill (who isn't). But I know i wouldn't kill myself, but I feel like i'm wasting my life just isolating myself from the outdoors, my friends, people, almost even my family.

    • profile image

      Josh 

      8 weeks ago

      32 years old and still single. Women prefer taller, cooler, better-looking guys who aren't total dorks. It wouldn't surprise me if I do wind up alone forever.

    • profile image

      Maya 

      5 months ago

      I am 26 and I will be single forever. Regardless how good I feel about myself and how many activities I participate in,all men see in me a failure. Yes I am not gorgeous, but I have a beautiful soul. I am tall, skinny, clever. But all these men see is a girl good enough to sleep with and then ghost. I have been ghosted by men who are under me in terms of character and I do not have any luck in finding an honest decent man.

    • profile image

      Unaa 

      6 months ago

      I'm 20 this year (still not official). Yea yea i know, im still young, still got a long way to go. I just wanna share my story to all and why I'm becoming so much in negativity and sadness. I have this thought in my head that saying I will never find a perfect guy who will treat me right and not asking me to change whoever I am.

      I met this one guy online and we have been in a long distance relationship. It was crazy as we never met in real life. Only through screen. And you must be wondering how we actually keep up with each other in terms of intimacy and stuff like that. Like I just told you. Through screen. Well we've been together for a year and 2 weeks.

      Throughout that period, I vividly remembered how many times he asked me for a break up. 5-6 times. Plus minus the unsure attempts. And things still went okay as he couldnt let me go and so did I. During those times too, he met a other girl and started saying that he liked her and thinking of letting me go as he thought that this is not gonna work. Well, we did broke up and becoming friends. But still contacting each other. After weeks, he came back to me saying he wanna be with me again. (Just so you know, I did asked about her girl. He told me stuff like who she was and bla bla. But I never really asked him how the relationship went and tup tup he came back to me) Fuck I was so stupid.

      And as times went by for 2 months, he started dissappearing and I texted him. Making sure he was doing okay. He was sick. Permanent injuries. Sometimes he went all gloomy and moody because of that.. But usually I tried cheering him up. So come back to the missing in action part, all of sudden, he texted me back saying, I found someone else, I'm sorry.

      I know from the first beginning, I was just his back up plan. He was using me for his need and whenever he found a real girl to hook up with, then he left.

      He always asking me to go to his place as we lived across the world from each other. And never said anything about his making efforts of meeting me or even helping me to get to him

    • profile image

      Maria 

      7 months ago

      I fear of being alone forever that's why I asked my boyfriend to me and he said he will but I'm not sure if when he said we are still not ready we need first to settle everything before we get married he has too much plan and by hearing his plan I think it will really take a while. This feeling of being not assured is killing me I feel like I was waiting for nothing I'm not too young to settle but I want to marry him I just want to marry because I feel alone and no companion at all. Because of this we fight and I don't know if I will talk to him or no but it's really hard to feel alone I have a boyfriend but I feel alone. It's very hard to feel this way I feel like crying every time In feel the loneliness.

    • profile image

      Jeremy 

      8 months ago

      It's been two weeks since I have been single and to be honest, it stinks. I come home night after night alone with thoughts that I will never have someone love me for me. The relationship I had lasted a year and a half. Things at the beginning were perfect. She was perfect. I didn't want anything to ruin it. However, it doesn't last. That is what most people call the Honeymoon phase.

      At the start of this year, 2017, I have began to feel more and more alone due to my girlfriend's schedule followed by illness. I have supported her biggest hobby; teaching snowboarding to children. However, she would come home exhausted and not in the mood to do anything. Not even being romantic. This would go on for at least 3 months. Eventually, winter came to an end (Thank God! I hate winter) So, I figured things will get better.

      We both went to a retreat as part of a Catholic group. It was time well spent and enjoyable. Good food, good people, and good memories. Once the retreat was over, both of us drove back to her sister's place where she lived and nobody said a word. We didn't have time to go do groceries, so we went out to eat at the nearest and available restaurant. Then, she breaks the ice like the Titanic; she wanted to wait to get married before having sex again. That came as a shock to me as we both enjoyed having sex. I thought it had something to do with the retreat and I was %100 right. I didn't take her proposition very well and things got real bad. We ended up fighting and she was trying to change my mind. It felt like I was being manipulated.

      I had to leave for a while. I spent time with my friends and family. They always make me feel better. Over time, I have tried to mend things with my girlfriend. But, she was getting more and more sick. She was the type of girl that would feel jealous or unhappy in her skin because she has suffered a traumatic experience in her past life.

      I would always treat her and cared about her. I even gave her what I thought was an incredible first Valentine's Day ever. I took her to her favorite restaurant, made her a card, got her a cadeau, and paid for everything. During dinner, she gave me trouble all because I was not ready to move in with her in Ottawa. I have a place of my own in Gatineau and she does not want to live there. She only wants me to live in Ottawa when it came clear I was not ready nor desire to move there.

      The only thing that kept me staying with his girl was the hope that she would get better health wise and that she would accept me for who I am. Unfortunately, things came to a halt a few months ago when I decided to go on a break. Then, after her birthday, she wanted to break up. It was a mutual break up. However, like any break up, it never gets easy.

      I am in no condition to start a new relationship. So, I decided to start looking and dating.

    • profile image

      Not Single By Choice 

      14 months ago

      Well unfortunately we live in a totally different time today since this isn't the 40's and 50's anymore when real love back then really did happen for the men in those days that were very lucky to be born at that better time. And for many of us men looking for love today is like looking for a needle in a haystack and like trying to win the lottery which our chances are very slim since the women of today have really changed for the worst of all and are so very pathetic altogether now adding to the problem unfortunately. Now since the women of today which many of them are making a very high salary and will only want the very best of all and will never settle for less since they have become so very greedy, selfish, and very spoiled now more then ever. They really think that they're all that which is very funny since they have their nose up in the air all the time when many of us good men will try to start a conversation with them and they will be very nasty to us and walk away which really makes them total losers to begin with. It is very sad how the women of today have really changed from the old days since most of the women back then really did put these women today to real shame and most of the women back then had a much better personality and were certainly much nicer too meet which many of them had respect as well. It is very obvious why so many of us men are still single today when we really shouldn't be at all since it does really take two too tango these days since most of us men aren't too blame at all.

    • profile image

      Truth Is 

      17 months ago

      Love does really come very easy for many other people but unfortunately Not for everyone.

    • profile image

      Paul 

      19 months ago

      It's easy to give advice after you've found a great partner, isn't it. Congrats on finding them - I wish you every happiness. Please just accept though, that no matter how much some of us may try to follow your guidance, we will never find a great - or for that matter - any partner. No woman has ever seen me in *that* way - and none ever will, no matter how much I try to change my thinking, and no matter what I do. "Feel good about yourself", you say. How is that remotely possible when I wake up every morning knowing that no matter how many groups / clubs / activities I participate in (and I have things 3 nights a week) no woman will ever notice me as a potential boyfriend? For some of us, being chronically single is a curse we're born with - and it never goes away.

    • profile image

      Rage91 

      22 months ago

      Not everyone needs professional help, suggesting that can be insulting to some.

    • profile image

      HonestlySpeaking 

      3 years ago

      Well in my opinion that many of us good men are still single today is that with so many very high maintenance, independent, selfish, and very spoiled women out there certainly has a lot to do with it since many of us men are Not single by choice. And i am very sure a lot of other men will agree with me since it was so much Easier years ago finding love which many of our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were very Blessed by God to find the love of their life which many of them are still together as i speak. And my aunt and uncle are now starting their 68th year together.

    • profile image

      steven 

      3 years ago

      Perception is not reality. It seems that you have to offer things in a relationship that not everybody has. For some people it's logical to feel like they will be forever single especially if they don't know what they should offer...

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      4 years ago

      Essentially, "perception is reality". Our thoughts and beliefs affect our outlook on life. There are over 7 billion people on this planet! You have to like your odds that there is more than one person who would find you to be their type. Go to any public place and you'll see couples everywhere that made up of people who are tall, short, skinny, fat, odd looking to ugly in your opinion and yet they found a mate!

      Most people tend to (exclude) rather than (include) when it comes to dating and love. If for example I say my mate must be of my own race that could eliminate 6 billion people site unseen! The same could be true for religion. If I say they must presently live in the U.S. that would eliminate 6.7 billion people, and then we narrow it down to a particular state or town and before you know it we've gone from 7 billion people down to 25,ooo or possibly up to a few million if you live near a major city. This all before you get to height, weight, occupation, education, hobbies/interests, and sexual compatibility. Last but not least we say, "The one" must be loved or liked by my friends and family and vice versa. Is it any wonder why you have so difficult of a time to finding love!

      The few options you allow for yourself the more difficult it's going to be.

      Another major factor that keeps people from finding love is a lot of them HATE the dating process!

      Your subconscious mind will never allow you to succeed at anything you despise.

      Dating is supposed to be FUN! No one is asking to decide on whether to cut the red wire or the blue wire. At the very least it's important to enjoy the activity, event, meal, movie, or whatever else is date affords you. People who don't enjoy meeting and getting to know other people will always have a more difficult time finding a mate. One man's opinion! :-)

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