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Questions to Ask Before You Get Married

Updated on June 15, 2017

Falling in love is easy, but staying in love takes a whole world of work and devotion! Each and every day, we make a choice when it comes to our significant other: We choose to love them, no matter what. It’s a form of unconditional love that takes a lot of patience, understanding, and compassion to keep a relationship or marriage alive!

In fact, someone once told me when I got engaged that marriage is like a garden; it takes a lot of work, periodic weeding, plenty of watering, and attention to keep it alive and thriving. After I got married, I realized that this couldn’t be more true! Marriage is probably the single hardest thing I’ve ever done, even having experienced parenthood.

Facing the Future Together

The future holds many uncertainties, and although there's no way to predict how each person will react to different situations, one thing is certain, you'll be facing them together. You need to support each other and love each other through both the sunshine and storm, or that beautiful garden you made together will wither.

Enough with the metaphors, let's discuss some things you and your love should talk about before your big day. Not all questions are applicable for all couples, but knowing where each other stands on various topics will help prepare you for your future together.

So pour each other a glass of wine, grab some snacks, and turn on some background music, and try to enjoy an evening of deep conversation with the person you're about to spend the rest of your life with.

Disclaimer: You will disagree on some things and that's okay. Don't call it all off because you don't like how your significant other answers a particular question. Discuss things you disagree on and how to compromise for each other.

Love & Happiness

The first, and most important topic to discuss is your relationship itself, how you truly feel about each other. While your own feelings are likely quite obvious to yourself, your significant other may need some reassurance that you are happy together.

  • When did you first realize you loved me?
  • What do you love about me?
  • What things do I do that you love?
  • If you could use three words to describe me, what would they be?
  • What do you feel are my best qualities?
  • What is something you wish you could change about me?
  • What is something you wish you could change about yourself?
  • What makes you happy?
  • What is the happiest moment you have with me?
  • How do you feel we could improve our relationship?
  • Where do you see us in 5, 10, 20 years?

Disagreements

Arguments will happen, it's a fact, but how you handle those arguments will determine if you have a happy marriage or a troubled one. Remember what you're fighting for, rather than what you're fighting over.

  • What things do I do that annoy you?
  • Would you say we argue often?
  • When we argue, who is the first to apologize?
  • Have you ever gone to bed angry?
  • Are you willing to compromise on things we disagree on?
  • Would you ever leave during an argument?
  • If I was quiet and upset, would you try to talk to me or leave me alone?
  • Are there any disagreements we've had that you feel weren't resolved?
  • When you're upset, what can I do to make you happy?

Marriage

There are a lot of emotions that people go through before getting married, excited, anxious, stressed... How does your significant other feel about tying the knot?

  • What emotion describes how you feel about getting married?
  • What are you looking forward to the most after we get married?
  • What kind of wedding would you want?
  • Do you believe marriage is 'Til death do us part?'
  • Have you ever been engaged or married before?
  • If so, what ended the relationship?
  • What reasons/situations would make you consider getting a divorce?
  • In your opinion, what makes a marriage successful?

Children & Family

Family is the most important topic when discussing your future together. Make sure you want the same things in life now, before you get married, because this is one area where surprises are not welcome!

  • Do you want children?
  • How many children do you want?
  • Do you want boys or girls?
  • How do you feel about one of us being a stay-at-home parent?
  • How long would you want to wait after marriage to have kids?
  • What ways do you find best to handle bad behavior?
  • Do you believe in spanking as punishment?
  • What ways do you think is best to reward a child?
  • What are some things you would want to teach your children?
  • How do you feel about adoption?
  • What do you think the hardest thing about parenting is?
  • Would you consider yourself a 'family' person?
  • How often do you talk to your parents/siblings?
  • How you expect holidays to go?

Education & Career

Does your significant other have particular education or career goals you don't know about? If so, are you willing to help support them to reach those goals?

  • Do you want to pursue further education?
  • What can I do to encourage you while you go to school?
  • Do you think our degrees should be completed before getting married?
  • Do you think our degrees should be completed before having children?
  • What is your ultimate career goal?
  • Would you consider yourself a 'workaholic?'
  • How many hours do you work per week?
  • What is more important to you, career satisfaction or salary?
  • If your job was transferred out of the state, would you move for it?
  • Would you move out of the state for a dream job opportunity?

Finances

Sadly, financial issues are the leading cause of stress in a relationship, and can ultimately lead to a disagreement or even divorce. Celebrate together when times are good, and work together when things are not.

  • Do you save money each month?
  • Are you currently saving for retirement?
  • What 3 things do you spend the most money on?
  • Do you think married couples' incomes should be combined or kept separate?
  • Do you think each others' debts should be paid off individually or together?
  • How much do you owe on loans?
  • What ways can we save money or pay off debt?
  • What is your credit score?
  • How much credit card debt do you have?

Friendships

Your marriage will be the most important relationship of your life, but that doesn't mean he or she is the only important person in your life.

  • Am I your best friend?
  • Do you think a husband and a wife can be best friends?
  • Do you spend more time with your friends than you do with me?
  • What do your friends think of me?
  • Do you highly value their opinion?
  • What is something you do with your friends, but not with me?
  • Do you think it's okay to be friends with someone of the opposite gender?
  • How would you react if I was still friends with an ex?

Interests & Views

This section is for many of the random questions that will eventually come up if they haven't already. From hobbies and interests, to political and religious views, it's important to know what they are passionate about.

  • What is your favorite way to spend your free time?
  • What activity/hobby do you think would be fun to do together?
  • What is a dream vacation you'd like for us to go on in the future?
  • What are your 3 most treasured possessions?
  • Would you consider yourself religious?
  • How important is your faith to you?
  • Does your significant other have to share your beliefs?
  • What political party do you agree with more? Why?

Questions to Ask Yourself

Now, while it’s good to ask your partner a bunch of important questions before you get married, it’s also not a bad idea to ask yourself some deep questions as well, to ensure you’re actually ready for the big jump! “‘Til death do us part” is a very long time, and you want to make sure this very long time is with the very best person for you!

Questions to Ask Yourself

  • Do I have any concerns about getting married?

  • Does this person truly make me happy?

  • Do I miss them when we're not together?

  • Do I have any doubts about our future together?

  • What are some things I don’t like about this person, and can I accept them?

  • How much do I trust this person? Do they trust me?

  • Will this person always be honest with me, even if I won't like the answer?

  • Does this person support me in my decisions?

  • Have I ever had feelings for someone else while in a relationship with them?

  • Have I ever considered breaking it off with them? Why?

  • Has our relationship gotten stronger or weaker over time?

  • Why do I want to marry this person?

  • Are there any outside forces pressuring me to get married?

Being honest with yourself before diving into a marriage is the single best thing you can do for you and the relationship as a whole. While it might be a hard thing to change your mind about getting married, it’s an even harder thing to have to go through the stress of divorce down the road. Getting married without knowing everything you want to know about your significant other is like signing a contract without reading it!

So as long as you feel confident enough in your relationship to take it to the next level, move right along and live happily ever after!

Marriage Advice From Divorcees

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    • tutta profile image
      Author

      Tatiana 2 months ago from Florida

      I couldn't agree more, and I love the quote you included. Love is about appreciating a person's best qualities, while still understanding their worst qualities. If you've spent a good amount of time together, then answering these questions should hopefully be pretty simple, and uneventful, but if you're still in that "infatuation phase" you mentioned, it's more likely people will answer with what they want the other person to hear. Happy answers are nice and all, but honest answers are what really matter.

      Thanks for the awesome comment, it's a pleasure to read!

      Tutta

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 months ago

      " marriage is like a garden; it takes a lot of work, periodic weeding, plenty of watering and attention to keep it alive and thriving."

      - Very true!

      This is what people really mean when they say marriage is "hard work". However they should call it "A Labor of Love".

      {After all no one has to have a garden or get married!}

      Maintaining whatever it is (you wanted) is simply the mature and responsible thing to do. If you neglect a garden it dies!

      Too often people equate marriage to buying a sofa. They find a spot for it and leave it to sit for the next 30 years or whatever.

      When it comes to relationships we're either "growing together" or "growing apart".

      As for most of the questions you have listed these are things that should be discussed over a generous period of time. Essentially that's what "courtship" is about. Doing your due diligence to determine if you're truly compatible with one another.

      Note the answers to these questions will most likely be different as time goes by. Generally during the "infatuation phase" of a new relationship each person sees the other as being "perfect".

      They tend to bend over backwards to impress and please one another. The word "no" is seldom if ever used. Conversations and laughter flow easily, cards and gifts are exchanged along with surprise weekend getaways "just because" and sex is off the charts! It's no wonder people think they've found their "soul-mate".

      However you really don't start to get to know each other's "authentic selves" until after you've had a major disagreement or someone has crossed a boundary in the eyes of the other. It's your ability to tolerate each other's "differences" that will determine if the relationship or marriage will last.

      "Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen