Can Love and Lust Coexist in a Relationship?

My hubby and I have been together for 6+ years. We love and respect one another. I would have to say that he lusts after me more than I lust after him. I've settled into a practical stance where while I still find him attractive, I can wait until the kids have gone to bed before looking for affection. He, on the other hand, still lusts after me as much as when we first met. He wants to send the kids outside, plunk them in front of a movie, or ship them off to a relative for a few hours & he wants it "right now". It doesn't matter if I wear a gunny sack covered in mud! He's always "in the mood" & always waiting for the green light to pounce... lol (maybe it's just a guy thing)

Personally I think God made us thus. When a couple get married (assuming you are speaking religiously) I think their thoughts are much about lust and this is normal. Now if one gets tired of the other and lusts for someone else then there is the problem. Lust naturally will die down as the marriage goes on and turn more to love than lust. I think maybe that is why one or the other sometimes do turn to someone else if this is not mutual in the change. Even certain animals and birds are monogamist. It is a choice but lust within a marriage is certainly not wrong.

Hmm, an interesting hub here, Glenn. I have been married 3 times (strangely, not particularly because I wanted to be married but because the guy wanted to marry me, I just sort of got carried away).

I have known love and lust, intense and ... er, mild. The intense love/lust ruined a marriage and was simply not worth it in the end. Believe me ...

Men experience lust ... it is part of what drives them ... and correctly so, it ensures the human race continues. So men, I believe, can sometimes, (often?) divorce themselves from the person they are coupling with ... some even to the point of imagining their partner is someone else and thus experience lust. Does that make sense?

Women (usually and thank God) have to have some sort of feelings for the man they sleep with ... unless drunk. Women are usually the brake, the voice of reason and not all of us experience lust (sadly or maybe not).

When you get to my age, and have had some sexual/romantic adventures you eventually realise just how unimportant romantic love, with or without lust, is, trust me.

At my age (64) friendship is much more important. Someone to hold your hand when the diagnosis is not good, someone to worry with when your kids are going through hard times ...

Friends ... but with benefits :)

Glenn, I wonder if personalities have anything to do with this? An interesting question, on which I vehemently answer Yes! Two marriages and a few relationships (at my age I'm entitled to more but....), I have to say yes, you most definitely can lust after a person you respect. These emotions are not even cousins in meaning. May try a hub on this, as my lover of 12 years just married someone else one week ago, and I know both my and his respect and lust for each other will never go away. Reasons for his marriage to someone else very understandable, but we know, although only one or two others ever will, and marriage totally changes the relationship! Both have lust under control--he's with someone else for good reason; we both have lots of respect for the other for many, many reasons! Others, no problem. This one will, I think, always be the same for both of us.

For me it is the exact opposite of what you describe. If I am attracted to a man, and if I respect him, then the love and the lust get stronger. I think that is healthy.

Great hub, I like your analysis of love and lust - I think the English language tends to fail in this category especially; I love my wife, and yet I love peanut butter... In Greek, there are 4 words for love I think:

Agape, Eros, Phileo, and Koinonia or something like that (it's been awhile...)

Your definition of lust I think would be defined as Eros by the Greeks; sensory/sensual/physical love, as opposed to brotherly love, unconditional/selfless love, and communal/community love.

Voted up, great post!

You're welcome! That article is definitely something I'd be interested in - when I get the chance, I'll head over to read it. Wow... 40 words for camel, that's hilarious - and intriguing really.

Excellent hub Glenn, you gave an insight on a very controversial subject. When you love someone you feel more tenderness and care for this person, but I'm not saying that there can't be lust in their relationship. I suggest for couples who want to feel lust in their long term relationship to experimentalize, what I mean is to try something different, something unusual, follow your instincts at unusual place or time, maybe then you'll feel lust again.

I would argue that it is not love or respect, but familiarity and the almost inevitable complacency that develop in a relationship that kills lust (and sometimes respect and love). Why is the death of lust so much more commonplace than the other two? Maybe because it is primal. Maybe it is because it is seen as a cardinal sin in the modern Western world.

I've been in three serious relationships, the first we had an amazing connection. Love, lust and respect were all very strong. We focused our energy on the love and lust side of things and I started losing respect for her, until things became complicated, she cheated and it ended. The second was mostly lustful, a bit of love developed but again, little respect. I saw this going in the same direction as the first relationship so I ended it. The third one began with the foundation of respect, a little lust crept in, love developed and we got married and had a baby. The lust has dimished, but love and respect prevail. I often wonder if there was more lust, would it weaken my respect for my wife, and after reading this post I think it might do. Certainly, I see the appeal to having a lustful relationship, it's fun! But I don't know that it is a stable foundation for a healthy relationship as it was detrimental to my first two relationships. Sooner or later, the woman will realise she is not being respected, but lusted after, and I believe most women would rather be respected by their partner than lusted after. I'm now starting to think that lust can be problematic if that part of the relationship is focused on and developed more than love and respect. I think lust is something that needs to be managed and controlled and not allowed to take over. My 2 cents anyway :)

Lust alone ruins; Love respects; and respect may not always love, but it does at times and when that happens, adoration of the respected-lusted after individual takes root.... To keep things in perfect harmony, love must reign supreme in order to find lust and respect... It's a great thought...thank you very much..

This whole idea of love/lust has been stressing me out lately. I've recently made the decision to commit to a woman whom I've been enjoying wonderful sex with, and it's almost like my physical desire for her has disappeared overnight. The stronger the feelings are in my chest, the lesser they are in my loins. Cannot tell you how reassuring it is to have this article validate my experience.

What you're discussing with regards to respect and lust is the old "Madonna" complex. Once some men gain respect and admiration for a woman, they begin to view her much in the same way as they view their mothers. No normal man would ever dream of having sex with his own mother!

My spouse and I have been together for (at the time writing this 13 going on 14 years). we had gotten together our freshman year of high school. We have times where we just do a quick kiss then go to bed then, there are times we are on each other still acting like a couple of horny teenagers. Neither of us has really felt the need to get married (not that we haven't talked about it). just the funny thing is we got together after trying to help each other in an anger management group being done while we were in school. he was having issues with one of his sisters, and I was having "Daddy issues"(parents had recently gotten divorced at that time.{may explain my resistance to getting married right away}).

I started reading this article about the three main teams love, lust and respect. I think this is quite an interesting article. However somewhere down the line, my head started spinning from all the different thoughs. This is even though they are quite interesting.

First I just wanted to say that in defining anything we sometimes come up with many answers. This is simply because the answers we have for any topic is answered based upon our triditional, cultural, religious, social or other wise background.

When we meet someone we can have great love for that person, maybe even the other way around, great lust, maybe just respect, or even a mixture of all three. I will not comment about what is wrong or right. I will just keep that to myself (not being selfish).

What we should realize is that our relationship is really based on an agreement that we will stay together for life. We are not perfect so for what ever reason if that didn't happen, try to do it right the next time.

The love, lust, and respect you have the rest of your life to work on. You can perfect your combination by learning and cultivating new habits to make things better. The best thing in that situation is to see how you can better serve the other person. In time, you both can grow and change for the better.

You want more love. Learn how to be more loving and eventually it may come back to you. You want more respect, be always respectful and it will return back to you. You want more mutual feelings (lust as you will say), cultivate that and you will eventually reap a great harvest.

If all of those things don't work. Thank God for the patience, the longsuffering, the kindness and all his wonderful attributes you are learning from just trying to be a better person in your relationship. Life is to short. Learn to be the best you you can be, for others. Eventually you will leave this world a better place. We all have to go sometime.

Our habits don't just affect the person that is close to us. We leave a little piece in the puzzle of life that affects the entire outcome of humanity for eternity.