Can Love and Lust Coexist in a Relationship?

In my experience, lust and respect are a difficult conflict.

But not getting enough of either only increases the need for both.

When I respect a girl/woman, I deeply feel as if I'm not worthy enough.

So It creates a constant ongoing conflict in my head.

But then, I also can't lust after after a girl whom I don't respect, because I need to like/respect her to desire her.

So usually it results into a deadlock where I'm stuck not doing anything.

Lust and respect are needed at the same time for me but they also are in conflict

Glenn, thank you for the insight on this topic. I was searching info about being “in lust” with someone and I 100% agree that you can have feelings of lust and develop a deep love for that person but I think the problem is when that happens first, a man often is unable to respect the woman fully. Here’s my experience.... I was being courted by two different men. One of them seemed like it wasn’t a choice at all because we had so much lust for each other that it became so intense right away and then developed into an emotional connection and love. The problem is our personalities are not suited well for each other and often times feel disrespected or misunderstood by the other but because we have this intense physical and emotional connection we always seem to smooth things out because of the intense desire to be together.

Now in contrast the other guy that was courting me in the beginning was a great person, our personalities were very well suited for each other, so we developed a deep understanding and respect for one another. However initially our intimate relationship was good but then began to feel like we had entered the “friends zone” romantically and I truly believe it’s because he actually loved and respected me and that made it impossible to “objectify” me sexually (I don’t mean this in a negative way) but think it speaks to lusting after someone. Which made the romantic relationship dwindle into this friendship that remained just that.

I think that lust and love are what make things interesting and can keep two people together but eventually if a basic level of respect does not occur the relationship will be like a ticking time bomb waiting to blow up because everyone wants to feel respected by others. And if a person does not have a need for the excitement of lust in a relationship they are unlikely to be affected by its absence in their relationship but if they are like most people the absence of lust can cause them to look elsewhere to find it.

Any thoughts on how to make changes to be more considerate and respectful without extinguishing the feelings of lust?

Thank you for your advice!

I really love this article and appreciate Teresa's comment, because it helped me understand more about lust.

I was wondering how can one "wake up" the feeling of lust, when love and respect are in the way?

I am in a relationship with this amazing person. I love him and respect him so much, that the feeling of lust comes and goes, what really bothers me. It bothers me because before i got used to feel lust with other people and in this relationship (which is the healthiest i was in), the lust seems to be missing. I am attracted to him, but i miss that feeling of really wanting someone.

I suppose what I said was a little different from what the title of the article was asking about. I suppose they can, in a way, if there is respect.

I suppose that if a woman lusted after a man, it could result in the same scenario. I don't know of any real life example of that actually happening with anyone I know personally, though I did read a story about that happening. It doesn't seem as likely, because women (at least most women) seem to be wired differently from men.

A while ago, I had a conversation with a friend about what had happened with that online "friend" of mine, about how I found myself developing feelings for him when I felt that I had a real emotional bond with him, and he said that I seem to be demisexual. I've just read a little about what this means, and I think I am. I can't speak for all women, but I suspect that many (if not most) other women are also. A person who is demisexual needs to feel an emotional bond with someone before they can really be sexually attracted to them.

So, I suppose this scenario COULD happen in reverse, but not with a woman who is demisexual. I suspect that most women probably are, though not all are. And I think that usually, unless the person has some kind of disorder, where there is a real emotional bond, there is at least some respect.

I disagree that the feelings of lust have to come first. I feel that the exact opposite is the case. I have found that when someone lusts after someone without first developing respect for them, they simply use them and throw them away and never come to respect them. Respect needs to come first, before anything sexual happens, for a real, healthy relationship.

When guys say that they need to first have sex with a woman before they can consider having a serious romantic relationship with her, they're lying. They just want to have sex without any real relationship. They're hoping that some woman will be lonely and desperate enough to give them what they want in the hopes of MAYBE getting some real love in return. Sorry if that sounds cynical, but that's what I think.

You do make an interesting point, though, about there being a conflict between lust and respect. I would agree that respect does prevent lust, but that is because lust actually indicates a lack of respect. Lust, in my opinion, is more than just strong feelings of sexual attraction. Lusting after someone means desiring someone sexually with the intent, or the desire, to use that person to fulfill one's own sexual desires, with no regard for that person's feelings, or how it affects the other person in any way.

Even if you begin with respect, before lust has developed, it is still possible to develop strong feelings of sexual attraction. I know. I've experienced it. I had developed a great deal of respect for my current boyfriend before the feelings of physical desire developed.

I think the main problem with this article is the way lust is defined. Lust involves more than just strong feelings of sexual desire, it also involves a lack of respect, and seeing the other person as a mere sexual object.

I've also had the experience of having someone lust after me. I made the mistake of giving in (even though we never met in person) and sex chatting with him online. After he had gotten what he wanted, he had no more use for me. He stopped talking to me, unfriended me, and deleted all the virtual gifts that I had sent him. That's what happens when the person lusting gets what they want before they've developed any respect for the other person. They just use them and then throw them away like garbage.

Do you think the main source of Lust is Love?

You just need to combine them! Learn how to combine Love and Lust and Respect will come in time.

“Every reaction has an equal and opposite reaction". I keep seeing people arguing over Lust and Love, but Lust is not Evil and Love is not Good–both of them are Neutral. They become good or evil when altered by our perception or situation.

Just imagine a couple. They stay in the same house, they have fights, ups and downs, extreme situations, moments when they want to quit...but they don’t. As time passes they grow to know each other better, they function better together, and they trust each other.

I started reading this article about the three main teams love, lust and respect. I think this is quite an interesting article. However somewhere down the line, my head started spinning from all the different thoughs. This is even though they are quite interesting.

First I just wanted to say that in defining anything we sometimes come up with many answers. This is simply because the answers we have for any topic is answered based upon our triditional, cultural, religious, social or other wise background.

When we meet someone we can have great love for that person, maybe even the other way around, great lust, maybe just respect, or even a mixture of all three. I will not comment about what is wrong or right. I will just keep that to myself (not being selfish).

What we should realize is that our relationship is really based on an agreement that we will stay together for life. We are not perfect so for what ever reason if that didn't happen, try to do it right the next time.

The love, lust, and respect you have the rest of your life to work on. You can perfect your combination by learning and cultivating new habits to make things better. The best thing in that situation is to see how you can better serve the other person. In time, you both can grow and change for the better.

You want more love. Learn how to be more loving and eventually it may come back to you. You want more respect, be always respectful and it will return back to you. You want more mutual feelings (lust as you will say), cultivate that and you will eventually reap a great harvest.

If all of those things don't work. Thank God for the patience, the longsuffering, the kindness and all his wonderful attributes you are learning from just trying to be a better person in your relationship. Life is to short. Learn to be the best you you can be, for others. Eventually you will leave this world a better place. We all have to go sometime.

Our habits don't just affect the person that is close to us. We leave a little piece in the puzzle of life that affects the entire outcome of humanity for eternity.

My spouse and I have been together for (at the time writing this 13 going on 14 years). we had gotten together our freshman year of high school. We have times where we just do a quick kiss then go to bed then, there are times we are on each other still acting like a couple of horny teenagers. Neither of us has really felt the need to get married (not that we haven't talked about it). just the funny thing is we got together after trying to help each other in an anger management group being done while we were in school. he was having issues with one of his sisters, and I was having "Daddy issues"(parents had recently gotten divorced at that time.{may explain my resistance to getting married right away}).

What you're discussing with regards to respect and lust is the old "Madonna" complex. Once some men gain respect and admiration for a woman, they begin to view her much in the same way as they view their mothers. No normal man would ever dream of having sex with his own mother!

This whole idea of love/lust has been stressing me out lately. I've recently made the decision to commit to a woman whom I've been enjoying wonderful sex with, and it's almost like my physical desire for her has disappeared overnight. The stronger the feelings are in my chest, the lesser they are in my loins. Cannot tell you how reassuring it is to have this article validate my experience.

Lust alone ruins; Love respects; and respect may not always love, but it does at times and when that happens, adoration of the respected-lusted after individual takes root.... To keep things in perfect harmony, love must reign supreme in order to find lust and respect... It's a great thought...thank you very much..

I've been in three serious relationships, the first we had an amazing connection. Love, lust and respect were all very strong. We focused our energy on the love and lust side of things and I started losing respect for her, until things became complicated, she cheated and it ended. The second was mostly lustful, a bit of love developed but again, little respect. I saw this going in the same direction as the first relationship so I ended it. The third one began with the foundation of respect, a little lust crept in, love developed and we got married and had a baby. The lust has dimished, but love and respect prevail. I often wonder if there was more lust, would it weaken my respect for my wife, and after reading this post I think it might do. Certainly, I see the appeal to having a lustful relationship, it's fun! But I don't know that it is a stable foundation for a healthy relationship as it was detrimental to my first two relationships. Sooner or later, the woman will realise she is not being respected, but lusted after, and I believe most women would rather be respected by their partner than lusted after. I'm now starting to think that lust can be problematic if that part of the relationship is focused on and developed more than love and respect. I think lust is something that needs to be managed and controlled and not allowed to take over. My 2 cents anyway :)

I would argue that it is not love or respect, but familiarity and the almost inevitable complacency that develop in a relationship that kills lust (and sometimes respect and love). Why is the death of lust so much more commonplace than the other two? Maybe because it is primal. Maybe it is because it is seen as a cardinal sin in the modern Western world.

Excellent hub Glenn, you gave an insight on a very controversial subject. When you love someone you feel more tenderness and care for this person, but I'm not saying that there can't be lust in their relationship. I suggest for couples who want to feel lust in their long term relationship to experimentalize, what I mean is to try something different, something unusual, follow your instincts at unusual place or time, maybe then you'll feel lust again.

You're welcome! That article is definitely something I'd be interested in - when I get the chance, I'll head over to read it. Wow... 40 words for camel, that's hilarious - and intriguing really.

Great hub, I like your analysis of love and lust - I think the English language tends to fail in this category especially; I love my wife, and yet I love peanut butter... In Greek, there are 4 words for love I think:

Agape, Eros, Phileo, and Koinonia or something like that (it's been awhile...)

Your definition of lust I think would be defined as Eros by the Greeks; sensory/sensual/physical love, as opposed to brotherly love, unconditional/selfless love, and communal/community love.

Voted up, great post!

For me it is the exact opposite of what you describe. If I am attracted to a man, and if I respect him, then the love and the lust get stronger. I think that is healthy.

Glenn, I wonder if personalities have anything to do with this? An interesting question, on which I vehemently answer Yes! Two marriages and a few relationships (at my age I'm entitled to more but....), I have to say yes, you most definitely can lust after a person you respect. These emotions are not even cousins in meaning. May try a hub on this, as my lover of 12 years just married someone else one week ago, and I know both my and his respect and lust for each other will never go away. Reasons for his marriage to someone else very understandable, but we know, although only one or two others ever will, and marriage totally changes the relationship! Both have lust under control--he's with someone else for good reason; we both have lots of respect for the other for many, many reasons! Others, no problem. This one will, I think, always be the same for both of us.

Hmm, an interesting hub here, Glenn. I have been married 3 times (strangely, not particularly because I wanted to be married but because the guy wanted to marry me, I just sort of got carried away).

I have known love and lust, intense and ... er, mild. The intense love/lust ruined a marriage and was simply not worth it in the end. Believe me ...

Men experience lust ... it is part of what drives them ... and correctly so, it ensures the human race continues. So men, I believe, can sometimes, (often?) divorce themselves from the person they are coupling with ... some even to the point of imagining their partner is someone else and thus experience lust. Does that make sense?

Women (usually and thank God) have to have some sort of feelings for the man they sleep with ... unless drunk. Women are usually the brake, the voice of reason and not all of us experience lust (sadly or maybe not).

When you get to my age, and have had some sexual/romantic adventures you eventually realise just how unimportant romantic love, with or without lust, is, trust me.

At my age (64) friendship is much more important. Someone to hold your hand when the diagnosis is not good, someone to worry with when your kids are going through hard times ...

Friends ... but with benefits :)

Personally I think God made us thus. When a couple get married (assuming you are speaking religiously) I think their thoughts are much about lust and this is normal. Now if one gets tired of the other and lusts for someone else then there is the problem. Lust naturally will die down as the marriage goes on and turn more to love than lust. I think maybe that is why one or the other sometimes do turn to someone else if this is not mutual in the change. Even certain animals and birds are monogamist. It is a choice but lust within a marriage is certainly not wrong.