Sometimes Marriage Is Challenging
Let's face it, we all know our relationships can be challenging. But, sometimes that is what keeps things fresh. We are different from our spouses, and that is why we argue or have difficult times. Well, at least that's why I argue. My husband can be so stubborn at times but that is really what makes me love him more. Some of the problems we all face may not be so easy to come to terms with, however.
Have you ever been in a situation where, if you looked back now, you wish you could've fixed things?
When things get difficult in your relationship, who do you go to when you need to discuss it? In a national study in (Confiding About Problems, 2015), it was noted that most of the problems people face within their marriages are money, infidelity, physical violence, emotional abuse, or one (or both) spouses were not getting enough attention from the other (Confiding About Problems, 2015). You may feel powerless when these situations come about, but there are so many ways to combat these inconveniences. It takes a little time but it is so worth it.
First thing's first, talk to each other! Try to sit down and discuss things in a mellow tone. It will be challenging to speak in a normal tone because you will eventually get defensive, or offensive. Just hear your spouse/significant other out. It sounds silly, but sometimes my husband and I have to hold something (like a pen, or something) to take turns talking. We both like to interrupt each other, and that isn't the right thing to do when you are trying to come to an agreement on something. So, when we hold something, that tells us that it is not our turn (and it works!). Another thing you can do is make a list. If you don't want to bring it up to your spouse yet, then make a list. I have personal experience in this, and it worked in my benefit. However, the problems in the marriage are between the both of you, so don't make it solely about your spouse.
I know you may not like hearing that, especially if infidelity is the issue. However, I have dealt with that situation too, and I had to come to terms with it was not just my husband's fault. There were things that I could have done differently, as well as he. Don't go down the road of "I didn't do enough", "It's my fault". That will just send you into a mountain of depression. So, do yourself a favor and think about the things you can change for the better. I promise if you change yourself for the better, your spouse will want to change themselves for the better because they see you are trying. Another thing is, get to the point and TELL THE TRUTH.
We have all heard the saying of "the truth hurts", well it does. You owe it to each other though, to be honest. No matter how long you have been married, being truthful is only setting both of you up for success. You can be kind about it, though, that way it is better than worse. One last thing, remember the people you looked up to when you were younger. Think about the positives and negatives that you noticed with them. Did they get better with age, or did they get worse. Did they ever mention to you that they had a lot of disagreements in their life together?
There is room for improvement in all of us, no matter how good or bad they are. No one is perfect, and that is a fact.
If you are not comfortable in speaking with your spouse about the problems you face, then that's another problem entirely. You should talk to a professional about these things, and they will be able to help you get through this together. You don't even have to have your spouse there if you don't want them to be there. However, not having your spouse there may cause problems though, because they don't understand what the problems are you both are facing; and you’re going to confide in someone else. They may feel like you are leaving them in the dark about what is going on, and that would be an awful feeling. I'm sure you wouldn’t want them to leave you out about the problems in your marriage. After all, it is the both of you that are in it.
In conclusion, think about how you feel at this moment. Do you want your marriage to work?
If both parties in the marriage are willing to change for the better and do the work required, then all marriages can be saved. It will take a lot of work, and possibly years to do. But, if you love each other then it shouldn't be a problem. If you choose to separate, then try to do it on good terms. It can be difficult on the children, if you have them. I hope you can all find it in your hearts to work it out. Marriage is a beautiful thing, a relationship that can last a lifetime. We all want to eventually grow old with someone. If you ever need any other advice, I am willing to help as much as I can. But, keep in mind that I am not a doctor (not yet, anyways). I am a psychology student, trying to receive a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy. I hope you found this information helpful, and I look forward to helping you more in the future.
Lind Seal, K., Doherty, W. J., & Harris, S. M. (2015). Confiding About Problems in Marriage and Long-Term Committed Relationships: A National Study. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(3), 438-450. doi:10.1111/jmft.12134
What are some things you and your spouse fight/disagree about the most?
© 2017 DM Heaberlin