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Are Friends a Toxin to Your Marriage?

I'm a busy mother with three children. I enjoy writing about marriage, relationships, and families.

Are your friends ruining your marriage?

Are your friends ruining your marriage?

Husbands Choosing Their Friends Over Their Wives (and Vice Versa)

When two individuals decide to get married, a change occurs in their lives—hopefully for the better. But if people are not willing to place their partner/family above others, it can lead to devastating consequences, regardless of how wonderfully the union began.

Friends will always remain a vital part of life. Their advice and support will guide you through good times and bad, and you can count on them for their shared joy during moments of triumph and their empathy during moments of pain.

However, friends are the people who have the greatest capability of destroying a relationship. Friends have a close bond, and sometimes it's hard for them to let married friends spend most of their time with their spouses. The challenge comes when friendship interferes with marriage, and a choice must be made.

How Friends Might Cause Problems in Your Relationship

Though it isn't true of all friends, there are some who manage to wreak havoc in the following ways:

1: Trying to Recreate "The Good Old Days"

Some guys expect a newly married friend to continue to be as committed to hanging out and doing things together as he or she had previously been. They feel let down when their friend declines to go out for whatever reason, and they may begin to resent him or her for getting married in the first place. Other times, the resentment is directed toward the spouse, who has "taken the friend away."

In situations like these, unless the married person is able to explain the new facts of life to his or her friend, there will always be tension where he or she will feel forced to choose between loved ones. If the married person can't stand up to the friends, his or her marriage will suffer. Hopefully, if it comes down to a choice between friends and spouse, the newlywed will honor the latter commitment.

2: Hanging Around and Demanding Attention

Some women and men are famous for dropping in on married couples sporadically throughout the day, demanding immediate attention or lingering with no obvious purpose for visiting.

When couples don't get much time to themselves, it's easy for outside influences to gradually pull them apart. A demand here, another there, then another one and, before realizing it, the couples' time is all used up caring for the needs of their friends as opposed to tending to their own needs. They are often exhausted before the day is half over.

Even when a need arises for friends, or multiple friends, to visit, they should consider leaving at a respectable time so that couples can get time to relax together at the end of each day.

Granted, emergencies do arise with friends and everyone needs a shoulder to cry on. It's when these situations become routine—and occur just as couples prepare to spend alone time together—that they can cause damage.

On a personal note, when I want to spend time with my partner, I don't even want our children to interfere. We've spent time with the children and consider our time sacred.

3: Treating a Spouse Disrespectfully

When friends show no respect toward their married friend's spouse, it creates strained relationships. When ill words are spoken, even in jest, they can resurface in a spouse's mind later. A seed has been planted that, if not cast aside, will be watered more and more until a joke has created a monstrous problem. Friends should always show respect to their friends' spouses. If they can't, they should simply stay away and remain quiet.

4: Spreading Gossip

Gossip is deadly.

Read More From Pairedlife

The last thing a couple needs is constant exposure to gossip, and friends are often the source. Even though people know that situations become exaggerated with every retelling, some still tend to believe every word of gossip that falls on their ears.

As if this isn't bad enough, such friends may start spreading stories about the couple, as well. Too often, the other spouse gets the blame for talking when, in fact, it was an observation made by a friend that initiated the gossip.

Sadly, people who thrive on gossip don't know the difference between a friend or stranger when it comes to keeping their mouths shut, so married couples, beware! Steer clear of anyone who is constantly putting someone else down, for whatever reason. Gossip ultimately destroys peoples' lives and marriages. Yours could be next.

Old Habits Die Hard

When people choose to get married, often there is a compromise in certain areas. For example, if a woman doesn't want her husband drinking too often, or vice versa, she may ask him not to go out drinking with his friends every night. Likewise, if a man doesn't want his wife going to clubs alone, or vice versa, she can always pour a drink at home and avoid possible temptation from outside.

That being said, when a guy comes banging on the door of a married couple's home demanding the husband come out and have a few drinks, the husband may be tempted to give in unless he chooses to honor a promise he made to his wife about that very issue. As time goes on, the right decisions are easier to make, but at first they can be extremely difficult.

Similarly, when a woman comes to the house asking for the wife to join her for cocktails at a bar, the wife may be tempted to go, thinking she's just going to enjoy some time with her friend. However, she should honor the promise she made to her husband, as she expects him to honor promises he's made to her.

True friends will hold sacred the vows made between a man and his wife.

They will respect the decisions made and act accordingly.

If people are not capable of such respectful behavior, they were never really friends in the first place.

Can Too Much Time Be Spent With Friends?

This poll presumes your spouse resides with you and comes home after the work day ends. If your spouse works abroad, you don't need to participate. However, should you decide to, answer as things are when he/she is home.

Any Other Ways?

Can you think of other ways in which friends can be toxic to your marriage? Please state them here.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.


SN on July 02, 2020:

We can't watch anything in the house and not have her report to her friend, we can't go anywhere and she won't report to her friend. She even tells her friend about our bedroom life, apparently she can't hide anything from her friend.

Recently we had a stir where they were talking and things went south on them, her friend uttered the words to my mother 'i don't want anything to do with your family' but today she's busy calling and texting my wife, we had a trip planned and after all this I have decided to pull out and have asked her nicely not to go, that we'd have our own trips, but my lovely wife says she'll still go, basically encouraging her friend to disrespect me and my family some more. So I told her go, but please don't come back to this home after that trip. Both her friend and the husband have cut me off but still keep in contact with my wife after the friend uttered those rude words to my mother, 'i don't want anything to do with your family'

I am African and such is considered very rude, to the point where my wife would rather speak to her friend than my family. I really don't want to regret getting married to her but it is slowly going in that direction, literally not even a year in marriage and this is how she's choosing to live her life.

Kkgf on April 06, 2020:

Husbands Choosing Their Friends Over Their Wives (and Vice Versa)

Laurence Holmes4540 on August 23, 2019:

I'm going through a divorce but my friends still live at my home with my ex wife

Malique on August 23, 2019:

I am going through a divorce and my friends and family still live at my old house with my ex wife

dorothy imperiale on August 08, 2019:

I have been married for 45 years and have had this issue off and on during our marriage. The first two years I was plagued by his friend's rudeness, the next 24 years were great until my husband got involved with a youthful clique and dined out every two weeks without me. The only time I was taken out was on my birthday. Needless tosay, this was not only emotionally draining, but financially as well. This went on for three years and the next 5 years were pleasant, until he met a professor at his job with a penchant for pissing people off. Estranged from every single person in his family, and managed to piss me off upon meeting him. The next four years were hell, money being spent on expensive dinners, shows, and what not. This pig took my husband to look for "available women". My husband also involved a female friend in these escapades and of course I was not invited. I finally had enough, contacted the two slimes and forgot I was a lady. The pig left for Seattle, and the old friend no longer contacted my husband. Three years later my husband attempted to start a friendship with a woman 24 years his junior, and did not tell me. He later confessed and proceeded to ask me for money for his dinner out. I refused, contacted the woman and told her to stay away. Its been 4 years and

After 24 years of marriage very unsure of where we are headed on July 24, 2019:

My husband has a friend from when they were younger we moved in an apartment together a little prior to my first daughter being born! after our daughter was born and up until she was 5 it was always her and I he never came home when he did it was bad he stayed at his grandma’s all the time day and night obviously hanging out with this scumbag! I left him moved home then when he started seeing his daughter during that time he wanted to Get back together and we were so important to him so my dumbass went back to him we lived with his grandma We got married then I got pregnant again with our son and he was going out doing his thing and I was working taking care of the kids and now his grandma that went on for a few years she passed I really thought things were good and had gotten better between us had gotten pregnant with our third child a daughter then we hit another bad road got Thur that thought we were doing good again then tragedy struck my side of the family with my dad and then my mom and I was taking care of her and running the household and working and and taking care of our family and just recently I’d say back in November I started noticing things in here come to find out he had hooked up with this old friend and has wreaked complete havoc in our marriage and it’s to the point where I feel like he needs to pick either him or me because I can’t do the triangle thing they secretly text and talk to each other and his friend is absolutely no good and he has screwed our daughter over and helping him out and never paid her and supposedly my husband went out there and had words with the team but now there are you know buddy buddies and I just feel Like I can’t trust my husband because I’ve caught him in numerous lies and found things out and it’s just bad and I honestly don’t know what to do and it has caused me depression and anxiety

abdi mohammed on July 20, 2019:

I want to get friend and marriage wants boutfull grlis

Binxi boo on July 15, 2019:

My husband has a friend that would like for me to be gone. He is an instigator, a liar, shows husband pics of escorts, and tries to cause issues. He has called me trash numerous times, and my so called "man" just stands there, obviously scared or something. Hell, the husband is probably just as trashy and guilty since he isn't man enough to stand up to him. I was raised differently obviously, but I am thinking of divorcing my husband bc of it. So sad but glad, to see others have the issue as well.

Georgins on July 10, 2019:

They constantly call and text and ask them to go to lunch or some other activity thay doesn t include the wife. Mind you these are newly wed couple in mid sixties age group. They already go hunting 2 weeks out of the year and fishing trips a week or longer and the wife is alright with hunting and fishing trips but the constant daily calls and the more and more frequent things that take husband away for whole days -3 0r 4 complete days a month. The husband says he s not giving up the time w his friend and its tough if wife don t like it.

Miserable on January 16, 2019:

If they stay your house

When you are in work vacation bringing girls near your husband

Other friends are asking if they did do anything with them

And husband response is they were too ripe

Billi Jo Rutter on January 11, 2019:

My spouse has had this friend just since Sept and since I have seen less and less of my spouse. Here as of late he leaves the house at 4am and doesn't get home sometime after 10pm. Really believe my spouse has left in his own way

Ts on December 30, 2018:

My husband will divorce me if I say anything negative about his friend

SH on September 22, 2018:

Sometimes it is not the friend causing the problem. The husband/wife goes to the friends house everyday after work for 3 or 4 hours a day and ha gs out.

Jmor on September 12, 2018:

My husband started working out of state. It’s been over a year now and the distance feels like it keeps getting worse. He is super social with everyone too. While this isn’t a bad thing itself, the bad comes from the fact that those new friendships hold more weight than spending time with me. He is actually this way with old friends too, new friends are shinier. So, now not only is he gone more than he’s home... he’s also taking time from our relationship and giving it to others whenever he can. He says he puts me first, but even when we are together he’s on some electronic device talking with someone else. I feel so lonely and unappreciated it’s unbearable. I hate that I’m letting myself be taken for granted. He loves this new lifestyle and while I’m happy for him, I’m mourning my own slow and steady loss of our relationship.

Kristie Chalene J on September 12, 2018:

My husband has a friend whos a 51 yr old, going to die alone, life long batchelor.Hes arrogant, selfish, humiliates everyone any way he possibly can and tries to make it look as if hes joking. He isnt joking AT ALL, NOR IS HE FUNNY.

All together its a total of 4 guys (all veterans.. my husband being 1 of 2 retired Marines, Mr.Jack@ss 1 of 2 retired Army) 1 friend who (Army &known Mr.@ss since teens) is getting divorced NOW after +20 yrs of marriage (yes his wife got tired of coming in dead last to Mr Die Alone). The other Marine has a live in gf who accompanies him everytime. Our ages range from 52- 39 (my hubby being the youngest)..Anyhow, they all drink EVERYTIME THEY ARE AROUND ONE ANOTHER. It gets ridiculous. I USED to be invited. I didnt care for it really. Im not much of a drinker anyways, but I also have an 8 yr old son and im NOT too keen on him being around it.

There have been "conflicts" from time to time. Anything from just loud and obnoxious, Mr. @ss having random psycho gfs flipping their lids, fist fights and Mr.@ss actually going off the deepend IMAGINING things and throwing whoever he THINKS may have said something unflattering about him out of his house.


The one Marines gf does hang with them everytime there is a little get together. SHE DRINKS though. And she also doesnt speak up when she HAS BEEN disrespected/made the butt of the joke.

They ALL KNOW my husband can actually ingest and APPEAR OUTWARDLY (stand up, walk straight, look people in the eye, etc...I HAPPEN TO BE THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS CARED ENOUGH TO NOTICE THE CHANGES IN HIS VOICE, TONE, VOCABULARY, WALK, STANCE, FACIAL EXPRESSIONS. THINKING & REASONING PROCESS) sober AFTER FAR TOO MUCH TO DRINK.They ALL KNOW that once he has drank so much, his "switch flips". He blacks out, loses his ability to "calm and control himself" in regards to his PTSD. The person he becomes is someone that is unrecognizable and someone HE doesnt like. I have recently began to record this so HE CAN SEE FOR HIMSELF.

I quit attending the get togethers. I do my best to get my husband to agree to & actually follow through with keeping his drinking moderated, sticking to beer only and coming home at a decent time. THEY HOWEVER INSIST UPON FIREBALL, HARD LIQUORS,SHOTS AFTER SHOTS AND GOING TO THE LIQUOR STORE TO BUY MORE. And encouraging him to go out with them bar hopping afterwards.

HE IS the one to blame for going along with them. Yet they are the ones who ENCOURAGE IT, EGG IT ON, DEVALUE OUR MARRIAGE, IMPORTANCE OF HIS & OTHERS SAFETY & WELLBEING. He also was involved in a horrible motorcycle accident in march which damn near killed him. DID THAT DISCOURAGE THEM? HE WAS DISCOURAGED FOR A WHILE...BUT THAT DIDNT LAST LONG AFTER THEY BEGAN COMING AROUND AGAIN...IMMEDATELY AFTER HE WAS ABLE TO WALK WITHOUT A WALKER. Which began the b.s. all over again.

2 Yrs ago I had went to all 3 at one time or another to ask for HELP. With his drinking, behavior, anger issues, etc...THEY are SUPPOSED TO BE HIS FRIENDS. THEY ARE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE SO IN TUNE WITH THE PTSD, OTHER ISSUES THAT VETERANS HAVE. They all began hanging together to help eachother...having someone to relate concerning the things that I could never begin to truely comprehend as HE does...I can understand and hear what hes saying but that DOESNT MEAN I ACTUALLY GRASP THE SEVERITY. What was I met with by each..."he pays the cost to be the with it", "I dont want to get involved", " thats yalls thing".

Well, my birthday was sunday. We all went to a concert sat night and then went separate ways. Found out next day via the gf the reason for them not going where WE went was my husband "was drinking". I find that funny, being after we had been there for 2 & half hours Mr.@ss MADE A POINT TO CALL MY HUSBAND & TELL HIM I HAD BEEN GOING AROUND TOWN TELLING LIES ABOUT MY HUSBAND. He knew that regardless of what he said to him the END RESULT WOULD BE HORRIFIC. He knew there would be NO TALKING OR REASONING WITH MY HUSBAND, NO REELING HIM IN. Basically @SS WANTED my hub to "flip his switch ", I would be his target, we were in public so therefore there WOULD BE AN AUDIENCE, WE WERE ON THE BIKE...even though our jeep was a couple blocks away ( I had met town), either HE would be arrested for fighting, put his hands on me, leave me there without my keys (locked in the saddlebags of bike), or we BOTH WOULD BE SERIOUSLY HURT IN BIKE ACCIDENT...LAST BUT NOT LEAST HE WAITED UNTIL 11:45 TO DO THIS KNOWING WE WERE OUT AT THIS TIME TO BRING IN MY BDAY. did this go? It ALMOST went as @ss had planned. No one went to jail, no one was physically hit or hurt, there was some serious verbal abuse, I was almost left there, he almost dropped the bike and I MANAGED TO GET MY KEYS, THE.JEEP AND GET HOME.

I pointed out to my husband that mr @ss INTENTIONAL SET HIM UP, TO BE ARRESTED, HURT, IN AN ACCIDENT, TO HURT ME, POSSIBLY KILL US BOTH, AND GUARANTEE A DIVORCE. They all know good and well THE ONLY OUTCOME WOULD BE THOSE. They failed to realize, I am not a coward, i stood my ground, said my peice and walked away. My husband KNOWS that I am honest to a fault. AND LYING ABOUT HIM TO ANY ONE OF THEM OR ANYONE ELSE AND THINKING THEY WOULDNT RUN RIGHT BACK TO HIM IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN...IM NOT NEARLY AS STUPID AS THEY WANT TO BELIEVE I AM . Which after he sobered up he knew exactly wtf was going on. That I hadnt DONE anything wrong.


Sorry, this has been going on for 3 yrs & the last b.s. was 3 days ago...still pretty fresh on my mind. And pissing me off more and more as time ticks by.

Joe on September 04, 2018:

My wife flirt with her ex.Wondering eyes.Chat and phone a other ex

RG on August 27, 2018:

Very broken hearted! My husband shows his opposite-sex friend over his own life, they had a relationship on going for 7 years and lead to Covenantnace and now he chose the relationship over our 30-year marriage.

Rr on August 10, 2018:

The spouse should support him our her seeing there friends at least 2 our 3 days a week the spouse would still be being seeing his our her husband more. Just because a person is in a relationship doesn’t mean they should forget about the people who came before.

Krisw on May 21, 2018:

My story starts 2015, my husband started hanging out with a miserable, cheating, gossiper, wife hating and bashing friend. My husband would talk to him constantly. All his best friend whined about was me and his wife. Fast forward my hus on April 14, 2018:

My husband drops everything when his elderly friend calls. This man is single and tells my husband he is his best friend and depends on him to help him as he is elderly, but will put me aside to help him, is this right?

Denz on March 07, 2018:

My husbands friend lives 2 hours away from us, we have 2 kids and I dont drive. My husband talks to his friend once a week over the phone sometimes 4 hours non stop.

He sometimes drive his way down there to visit his friend atleast 3 to 4 times a year with just him and he spent the night there. We already argue about this and he would tell me that I am lucky to have a friend around , that he rarely see his friend and these and that. Whenever his gone I am left with our kids in the house and Ill be lucky if a friend showed and will take me somewhere and the kids. I am immigrant and I dont have family here in the US just few friends.

Im really upset whenever he goes to see his friends, just the thought that Im all alone with the kids and hes there enjoying his time with hia friends, Theres that one time, on July 4th he spent his half day with us but he went to spend the rest of the day to his friend from the other town. I was very upset that night there was a big storm and it cause our kitchen ceiling to leak some water and the other part of the big flourescent is hanging like it was about to fall. I called my husbandto let him know and he said theres nothing he can do since he is 200 miles away. I heard them having fun in the background, I cried because I was very scared he told me to call the landlord but failed to do it since I dont have no minutes on my phone ( I only use messenger to call him)

Thats my worries when hes gone with friends, emergency things like that could happen. Please enlighten me am I wrong to be upset or should I just understand him let him do what he wants, Im tired of telling him the possibilities and he would just be upset and telling me that I dont let him spend time with his friends. Any advice will very much appreciated.

gail on March 03, 2018:

my husband has a friend and the man also works for my husband anyway this man has been coming to our home for coffee every morning for the last 6 Year’s I’m so tired of it. what can I do to stop this without hurting his feelings

AMYP70 on March 02, 2018:

They can definitely can be a toxin. My married best female friend did but my husband enabled it. When I told him that it was all about her all the time he said I was jealous and to just get over it. He then proceeded to treat me poorly in front of them. I then told him I was leaving after 17 years he was not even upset. Of course she took sides and sided with him as they were having an affair anyhow. The other husband did not mind as he is very ill. He encourages them. What I don't get is that I no longer want to be friends with her and she is upset. Yet the ex and her are still having an affair. Not only that I am still in contact with the ex and in 17 years I did all the cooking and so far he has invited her over and cooked her dinner on several occasions. And all he talk about is her. If I say anything about her he gets mad at me and shuts me down. All he talked about was her when we were married. So in retrospect i think he actually fell in love for the 1st time in his life and it was her.

Marina on February 21, 2018:

I have a friend that was dx with terminal cancer. She does not think she will make it to summer. We have been friends for so long. My husband likes her and she has spent time staying over at our house. But now that she is really having problems i.e. falling and passing out. He does not feel comfortable having her spending the weekend coming up in our house. He says sick people make him nervous. Now i feel like i have to tell my friend that she can't stay with us. I am so sad he has this attitude. But, my marriage is important and i don't want any trouble. Need advise anyone?

Dareinggar on February 20, 2018:

I am a black man living with a German woman and we are already in a 6 years relationship with children. When I met this woman her breast was not the same size and her BMI was much in adepositas. We lived and I loved her with all my heart as love will have it,I did everything for her showing her that she should not think bad for I will never leave her for another woman. To cut the long story short,she later did a breast implant and body reduced and when she was about to do this the mother promised to take care of her as she knows that our children was 2 and 1 year old. She did the operation came back home stomach part cut and breast operated with fresh wounds. The mother that promised to take care of her suddenly became sick and it was not a real sick just to take and hide from responsibilities of taking care of her own daughter. I have to go to work come back very tired, take care if the children including her too,disinfect the wound to avoid bacteria and later after 2 months we had problems just from nothing . For 6 years we have been no sign of happiness from her and the things that she likes is to go to her friend in a nearby city and coming back home with a new piercing and said to me that she thought I would like it. After getting healed from her surgeries she invited her friend to our city and they went to club . And the next she was telling me that she don't know people will like her like that. In FACT she is someone that wants to look nice so that men will see her and starts talking to her and as a man I know what might happen even if one is a saint. Things have happened and I let go and this time around I really wanted to end the relation and now my children are 3 and 2 years. She don't respect me. She do what she wants.... Am sorry I will give up on her and when my boys grew then I will tell them why Papa left.

Anonymous on February 01, 2018:

Telling a friend you're bi (but commited to your husband)and suddenly they disrespect ypur husband, are constantly trying to undermine him as your husband, ask you if you find a random woman attractive. I really don't know how to handle this. Said friend has kissed another man and told me repeatedly about details in hers and her bfs sex lives. Feeling creepy now.

JSP on January 29, 2018:

My spouse has a friend that is very needed of her time. When we are trying to spend time together, the girl is always texting in the most of us spending time or may call her. I have expressed my concerns in our marriage to my spouse and her friend and I feel as if I being disrespected because whatever I said has fallen on deaf ears. But I feel this way because they are still doing the things that they have done before and what I say did not matter. My spouse has basically shown me that her friendship with this girl is more important than our marriage. They were hanging out all types of night like (4am) in the house and my spouse would sleep downstairs and it would make me think they had something going on. Every time me and my spouse are spending time, the friend wants my spouse to stop doing what they are doing to talk to them and my spouse does it every time.

They went out on Friday. I didn’t care that they went out, what I got upset about was that my spouse did not call or text me to let me know they made it/that they were leaving. I expressed to my spouse about that being a problem for me. We all went out on Saturday, it rained a little bit and we ALL HAD JACKETS ON. We all put our jackets over our heads but my spouse friend didn’t. My spouse takes off their jacket to put over the friend head. I got upset because the gesture should have for me and not the friend she made sure she was ok the whole time. Sunday, they took a lunch together mind you we all rode to work together, we all left together. So to me they are already spending a lot of time together. We got home they go off and have their own separate conversation. We were all playing a game and they are texting each other in my face. To me that is rude and disrespectful. Then I text my spouse to tell them that they are being rude for doing that. Then my spouse decides that they want to tell their friend everything that I am saying. To me it shows me that you have more loyalty for your friend than me. For you to tell her everything that I am saying is being fake to me. So I approached my spouse once again about it. The friend left and I saw the whole attitude in their face. Every time me and my spouse argue, they always feel like it is always about the friend and to me this is bigger than that. But when we argue my points of views are different from my spouse. I look at this as a married couple, my spouse look at things as a friend. There are no boundaries set because my spouse has not set them and has kept allowing this disrespect on our marriage.

At this point in our marriage I don’t know where we stand because she has shown me that my feelings about this friend doesn’t matter and that they are pulling our marriage apart. I am trying to fight for it but I don’t think I have any fight left in me to keep dealing with this anymore. I love my spouse I really do. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Upset on January 17, 2018:

My husband and I have only been married a year, but things are going downhill fast for us. We are in a long distance relationship until we can get his visa approved and have him moved to America, but there's a distance between us and it's not caused by the miles of us living in two different countries. The distance we have is due to some of his friendships. Now, don't get me wrong; I understand that all couples need their own space, but when you are a couple temporarily living in two different countries, how much "space" as a couple do we need?

I am upset and fed up with my husband dropping his responsibilities and communication, the only thing that we have to keep us connected, for some of these so-called friends. To make it worse, we have a lovely daughter that misses her father dearly and wants to talk to her daddy every chance she gets.

To top it all off, while all my husband friends and family are living the lives they wanted for themselves, my husband can't and has literally nothing going for him there. He has no home, no job, no car, or any future prospects; however, my husband has a home, a vehicle he wanted, a buisness we were getting ready to start together, so many future prospects, and a family that loves him. My husband have everything he ever wanted, but he is choosing to lose it all for people that aren't his friends and would rather have him sit on their couch to smoke and watch tv all day, as well as call or message my husband ONLY when they need help.

None of what these "friends" are doing are beneficial to my husband. So, not only are these people destroying our marriage, but they are destroying my husband too.

I am not going to put the entire blame on these people because in the end of our marriage, it was my husband who made the ultimate choice.

I will eventually learn to be happy living all of our dreams we made as a couple, as a single woman and mother. Besides, he only talked about the dream. It was I, however, that planned and worked hard to make our dreams an reality, while he was busy hanging out with his "friends" smoking and watching tv all day on their couch. His lost became my gain.

Cindy on December 13, 2017:

Leaving and cleaving means in some cases leaving behind those who try to draw you back to a past that did not include your spouse.

Also, for many intimacy levels/secrets in the new relationships should not be shared with old friends.

Nor should a couple allow a friend to become their adult child because that friend has no one or can't sustain a relationship. Dysfunctional and potentially damaging to the marriage.

Scott on November 14, 2017:

This article has a lot of truths in it. I'm glad I'm not the only one that encounters this. My wife's friend has been a menace for years. It's to the point now I despise her.

Advise on October 29, 2017:

Seriously, if your friends do not want to have functions with your spouse invited then they are NOT your friend.

The point to marriage is that two people are combined as one to act as one, to live as one as also the case for the legal responsibility and division of assets.

It is dis-respect for your friends to invite you to a function like a Birthday, Marriage, Baptism, General Party and not invite their friends spouse. that is total disrespect.

it is disgusting and sexist, for both male or female.

again the point to a marriage is for two people to act as one.

I certainly will never go to a function my spouse is not invited to, nor will i go to a wedding my children are not invited to.

i respect myself and my self.

Also, if your friends dont respect or invite you with your spouse to general functions, they are NOT your friends. THey do not respect YOU nor your family, and they certainly will not respect your CHILDREN.

I am from a family that had the opposite and from a life time of experience, believe me... People that dont respect your spouse, do not respect you nor your family, including your children.

also, if your spouse does not defend you to attend functions of important ( marriage, baptism, bday party) then you need to make the point and if they dont agree, i would divorce them. otherwise, you will live your life with a spouse that simply doesnt respect your presence.

i_says on October 13, 2017:

The opposite is happening to me right now. I'm recently married, but I'm I can't even get a single hour to hang out with friends outside of the office.

I understand that she needs more attention than normal because she moved away from her friends to be with me, but that was 5 years ago. She tells me that I'm allowed to hang out with my friends, but she always wants my company on the only days that they're free, or the plans are too last minute so her plans get priority; in practice I'm never actually able to hang out with anyone, and I find myself drifting away from them.

How do I give my wife the attention she needs while still being able to see my friends occasionally?

S on September 26, 2017:

My husband was always overly invested with the friends (40-50 year olds going on 20ys old frat boys). Every weekend all summer/winter drinking all day. I was ok with it until one of his friends died, and while i totally sympathized - he shut me out (sex, emotions, all of it). Again i was sympathic since it was a good friend and he would need time to come to terms with it. Now its a year and a half later and he still has never let me back in (no sex life, no communication, nada). All he wants to do is hang out with the friends and drink unless the weather is too crappy (most of the activities are outside) and then he will grugingly do something i want to do. I am expected to tag along and hang with the friends when they are drinking and be the DD home. He can't see why i wouldn't be having "fun" sitting around all day drunk with them. Even when i go - he just goes and stands with everyone else and ignores me. His excuse is "well you could come stand with me" - but when i do that - i am just one of the boys, there is no obvious affection.

So incredibly sick of it....and lonely....

S. on September 22, 2017:

My wife's best friend calls early in the morning just because she misses my wife's voice and needs to talk to her to start her day right. She calls my wife at night as well and wants to fall asleep on the phone when I'm in bed with my wife. Her best friend doesn't respect boundaries, when I am home from work I want to spend time with my wife but her best friend still blows up her phone. I told my wife it's either me or her friend, my wife tells me she will chose her friend. My best friend understands and respects that my wife comes first but it's sad I'm not first. Anyone else dealt with this kind of problem?

Annonomous on September 16, 2017:

My wife has chose her friends over me. This has been going on and gradually worsened the last 3 years. Now she says she don't love me anymore. My response is your not going to love me as you do nothing or go anywhere with me anymore. She has been consumed by her friends. We have now separated.

angel on September 15, 2017:

I'm having d same prob as Annecia my husband is always with his dumb stupid worthless friends who sit down n depends on a woman to take care of their every need I ask him to choose between dem n me n he acted as though I ask him to take his last breath he choose dem n distance himself from me it hurts to know u r a gd wife n gets no appreciation o love in return

Marie on September 11, 2017:

This is happening to me and my new husband right now (just got married!). My husbands in the military and is often gone during the week and sometimes weekends so we don't get a whole lot of time together by ourselves. My old friends from high school are close to me and I've been friends with them for a long time. Recently, they've been planning things to do on the weekends and expect me to be there. I feel like a bad friend if I don't go but then I feel like a bad wife if I do. Sometimes one of the friends comes over and stays the night at our apartment because she wants to go out with us to the bars. She'll then invite us to stay the night the next weekend at her place so we can go out with her around her house. Another time, the same friend just showed up unannounced in our town saying she wanted to hang out except we weren't home. One weekend we made plans to take a mini trip just us and then for a friends bday, they started making a bunch of plans for the a couple days over the weekend. I was upset and cried to my husband because it was supposed to be our special fun weekend but I couldn't say no to a birthday, or I'd be the bad friend. It's taken a lot of thinking on how to balance everyone, between friends, family, my husband, and I still don't know how to do it as it seems impossible. But from what I've heard from my mom and others, the spouse comes first.

Annecia on August 18, 2017:

My husband rekindled with a old friend and I absolutely hate his friend, I told him it was either our marriage or his friend and he chose his friend, yes I know I'm dumb as hell for staying in this marriage. I explained to my husband that I didn't want him in this friend hanging out and talking but he said I was trying to control him but if you have a friendship that is hurting your marriage, you feel like your have a choice to make. Is this friendship more important to you than your spouse? Is the vow you made when you married less important than your friendship, or what? Well my husbands friendship tends to be more important to him and I refuse to compete with a guy so maybe it's best to let it go. I now try to just seperate myself from him. I will just stay away and do my own thing whether it hurts him or not, because he sure doesn't care if he hurts me. If anyone else is going through this, how did you deal with the situation?

Anonymous on July 14, 2017:

My husband has these friends but I am not invited to the house anymore but he is all because they got in our business. He also lets his friends girlfriend talk about me like nothing I believe that is disrespectful and that they are bad friends for him.

Renee Burreson on May 19, 2017:

When a friend is of the opposite gender....and they harbor feelings towards you or your spouse. These feelings when acted upon are not only a breaking of trust but toxic to a marriage.

Michael on April 15, 2017:

My husband has a friend that he's had since high school- I can't doconnect with him on the same level that she can, and when he's talking with her he's a different person, and I feel lost - what to do?

Gina on March 08, 2017:

My significant other's best friend will show up unannounced all the time, or start calling him early on the weekends or show up at dinner time during the week then he wants to play video games w/him and we have no alone time until 9:30-10 pm some nights. Even when he leaves after hanging out with him all day he then is texting him non-stop. He's a good guy, but just dumped his girlfriend and moved 5 minutes away and thinks he can just pop in whenever he wants. I am trying to be nice but it is eating away at me this has been going on for almost 3 years. He likes to gamble and got my guy into gambling really bad as well. He finally stopped (I hope) but I do not know what to do.

Paul on November 21, 2016:

When I first met my wife I was young and loved to party with friends. I always invited my wife and have never told her she couldn't tag along. She choose to not tag along a lot of times but I always invited her. My wife started to get upset and said that your a married man with kids your party days need to end, even though I was angry at her I realized she was right because I loved her so I changed my ways and stopped going out once a week with friends and realized that it was wrong for me to do , even though I always invited her. Years later after having 3 children with her my wife made a few girlfriends recently divorced girlfriends that I feel is toxic to our marriage for the simple fact when they first became friends with my wife they included me them all of a sudden I was excluded for whatever reason? Girls night out bullshit ? Which got me very upset and felt like it was wrong considering the fact I respected my wife always and even lost friendships for her because my marriage and children were more important to me . I told her that she doesn't need to be going to bars , I said why can't you girls go to a dinner or have drinks at a friend's house and why am I always excluded?? very shady and disrespectful , what should I do???

Diana on October 23, 2016:

I have been married to my husband for 6 years I can't even call him my husband anymore because he prefers to hang out with these stupid ass minors friend's of his from work instead of spending time with me. I ask him if I can come along to hang with his friends too and he tells me no and says it's just for guys, also I end up finding out there was a girl involved in the group who happens to be a minor too so my question is if she got invited why can't I be invited too? Why does he care so much of what his friends think if he brings me? Does that even matter to him? I have 2 little kids who will look back and think their dad doesn't love them much as he says he does because he is choosing his friends over me and he's not setting a good example for my poor little kids who will suffer later :( to the people who is friends with my husband that I was married to for 6 years you guys are hurting my marriage by bad influencing him and asking him to hang out he has kids with me and you know it respect our family guys and girls. What should I do about this situation? Please help me

Karina on September 09, 2016:

My husband and I have been married for a year and the only problem we have are his friends. They call or text him late the night before or the day of expecting him to drop what he's doing to hang out with them. Weekends are usually the only time we really get to spend together as we both work and that's when his friends also try to get ahold of him. None of his friends are in committed relationships and have already caused problems between us. Very frustrating because I've already communicated that he doesn't need to hang out with his friends every single weekend or every time they call but for some reason he feels otherwise. Like he's letting them down instead of me. I don't know how much longer I can put up with it.

Nick on September 04, 2016:

Constantly texting when you know your friend is with her spouse.

Bruno on August 24, 2016:

My wife believes it's ok to spend more time with other men than me. She says they're just friends and she needs "me" time and doesn't get along well with other women. She actually planned a weekend of camping with a guy friend and his friends on her birthday!

Lulu on August 24, 2016:

My husband's "friend" told him that he didn't need to take anti depressants and should never have been prescribed them! My husband hides his mental health issues so people don't understand how hard he is to live with or he awful his moods are. Thanks to this friend my husband stopped his meds and put my family through hell. Not fair on me or our young children to be treated so badly because my husband values his friends opinion over mine and his doctor. Wrecking our marriage.

Prakash J on August 16, 2016:

My wife spend too much time with her female friend and feels happy when she is around . I don't feel good when she come my home and stays for many hours together gossiping..I am kind of person who speaks less and contributes when required ..Now a days I feel that she is very happy with her friend and her husband who often comes to my home along with his wife .. this has now becoming very frequent ..Her husband ( Female friends')most of the time comes to have drink with me ..I finished the drink and gossip and usually go back if there is anything urgent on offcial work during weekend ... he continues to sit with my wife for 2-3 hours in my absence .. .Which I feel very bad as I think she does not enjoy my company anymore ..may be she does not neet at all ....I believe they have become toxin in my life..What should I do please advise ?

Anonymous on August 05, 2016:

My husband and I have only been married for a year but he does a few things that bug me. A lot of his friends are still single so the places they like to hang out at are usually places that are a bit odd for a married man to be at. When they do go out, it's always for hours and he ends up coming home very late in the night. Another thing is when one of the guys is over, he makes a big deal about me being around. I'm not the type of person who would interfere in their conversation or sit between/near them, but I find it disrespectful that he wants me to be in some other room the entire time his beloved friend is over. I get that they need their privacy but it's my home (not his friends) so I don't think I should have to wait in another room for hours just because his friend is over. Is this common? When I have someone over I don't force him to do that.

anonymous on July 22, 2016:

my husband prefers to be with his bestfriend after our store hours,it kills me and makes my day a bullshit whenever i insist to have dinner with him at home together with our daughter for he makes a lot of the way we are married 20 years now,he always makes me feel unwanted.he laughs a lot when his bestfriend is around,often times they go out together to have coffee and merienda leaving me and my son at the store.he would rather choose to spend spare time with his bestfriend talking about non sense things than spending the night with me and our daughter.

Concerned on April 24, 2016:

My hubby insists on remaining running over to his best friend house as much as he can when I've exposed to him how this makes me feel uncomfortable because he has cheated twice with the sister of his best friends wife. Am I asking too much to ask him to let that environment go?

AdelineFrances on August 03, 2015:


I'm in a similar situation. My husband started his own business and hired this guy about a year ago. The employee lives out of state. They speak frequently as they are really the only two running the business and spend all of their time on work. By frequent toy I would estimate 10-20 times/day.

I found out that he was in town. At the same time, I find out he's moving to our city, and wants to be "close by."

Backing up the story a tad: For a decade, I was the underling's wife and would go to settings with the boss and the boss's wife (same profession). I am very familiar with how they work. So I put on my boss's wife hat for the dinner to mee this employee and his fiancé. The employee of my husband couldn't have been more messed up. First off, they were both extremely hungover, and kept complaining about it. I tried to make conversation but it was like pulling teeth, and when the employee finally spoke up, it was to tell me that this woman seated next to him was not his fiancé, but another girlfriend, and he still lives with the fiancé. And then I ask the girlfriend what she does for a living and she said she works for the husband's employee (so sort of works for my husband, too, right?). Then he goes on to bask my hometown, well knowing I grew up there, and then he goes on to say how crappy my alma mater is, and makes no apologies when I inform him that I went to school there. Plus he kept talking about how awesome he was...

Clearly, I thought the guy was a major jerk. Husband doesn't seem to care, and that is nothing new. I certainly don't want him living out here, nearby, and given how unprofessional he was at our dinner, I can't imagine he is much different with clients?

I'm rambling, but I think, in the end, it comes down to hubby. Why does he tolerate people like this? Why does he gravitate toward people like this? And why doesn't it bother him when someone shows disrespect for his wife? It's not the friend/employee, really. It's the husband. When this happens, and happens repeatedly, it makes you question your spouses' true personality. And that is what bothers me when "bad influences" show up. Because if hubby was truly a first class hubby, he'd not tolerate such people.

It's been over a year with this guy and my husband talking all day every day, and I do see a difference in my husband. Retrospectively, since having that very unpleasant dinner, I can see where husband's debbie downer/disrespectful attitude has come from. But the hard truth is, if he were a stand up guy, he would think that his employee was a creep and wouldn't emulate or be influenced the way he is. Maybe he gravitates toward these people for a reason.

If that makes any sense. It's been a recurring problem since we met over 13 years ago - these "bad influences."

pict on June 30, 2015:

I know what that is like. My bad and I and our 2 kids moved across country for his work. Last minute I found outhis his buddy I never met(as he lived in another province) was coming to help. That turned into staying with us. While my husband is at work he just sits in our living room all day that I want to hide in my room.c when he does get off his ass he has'suggestions' how things should be done around here. He waits outside for my husband to come home from work than follows him around all day like a puppy. Now the only time I get with my husband is when we go to bed for the night. At this point it feels like those 2 are the 'partners' and I'm just the maid/cook. But my husband throws a fit when I bring it up. Now that I'm on the other side of the country with my kids I don't know what to do.

sadfriend on April 16, 2015:

I was shocked to see a post from 5 years ago nearly identical to what I am about to write. A friend becomes toxic when he/she cannot discern between love/lust and admiration of your spouse. My best friend literally worships the ground my husband walks on and it makes him very uncomfortable. She comes from a good place, but her behavior has started to ramp up into a more sinister mode. When she comes to visit, she goes out of her way to wear very provocative clothing and even wore a silk and lace long nightie around the house...thinking this was appropriate attire. Who does that? She told me recently that she compares all men to my husband and cried when she told me this. My hubby gets road rage every now and then (I know...a truck drivers curse) but it bothers me. The three of us were in a car together and he yelled at someone so the next day I apologized to her on his behalf. She said, I never picked up on his rage, only your reaction to it. Really? I think people in the next state heard him yell. My husband like to make cabochons for jewelry and I showed her a heart that he made me. She had the nerve to ask him to make her one. He said, no thank God. He said that it was only for his special girl (me.) Anyhow, long story short, I have been somewhat honest with her and told her that we need space and no visitors for a long while. He wants me to cut it off completely because she causes me so much angst pre visit and post visits. I haven't heard from her in two days, so this is a very good sign that she is not happy with the request for space. That's her M.O., she shuts people out and doesn't speak. Very abusive in my opinion but I'm so over it!! Thanks for letting me vent.

Tabatha on April 10, 2015:

We recently moved back to a town where my husband had an old friend that he was always getting in trouble with. We have been together for nearly 11 years and we have always been best friends. We made friends with another couple in our old town just so we could spend some time with other people. Now he is lying to me about going to the old friends house, staying out till 3 or 4 in the morning, turning off his phone so I can't get in touch with him, and giving him money we don't have. I don't know what to do.

anonymous on February 05, 2015:

After my husband.s mother died he became friendly with a gay male couple further down our street. At first i wasn.t keen but after a while i sort of got used to the situation. To cut a long story short eventually we saw them almost every day. We were scarcely ever in our own home in the evenings and i couldn.t plan meals any more. They were heavy drinkers and a very bad influence. My husband was also for a while drinking heavily. It wasn.t always bad. I had some very good times with them but i became tired and worn out by the situation. They interfered too much with our relationship for example criticizing long standing arrangements we have. We were arguing all the time and there was no one i could tell howhoe unhappy i was. I am catholic. I prayed to mary and asked for their influence to be reduced. A miracle happened. My husband had a disagreement with them over something trivial which blew up into a huge row. Then we were away on holiday. They seemed to begrudge us out time alone away from them. When we got home we saw them again for drinks but one of them made advances at my husband which offended him very much. Thank god that was the end of the situation. We have our normal life back again. Looking back i don't know how i coped. I think they were mainly interested in him and just toleratEd me as A necessary appendage. This were three of the worst years of my life. A tug of war that i had no chance to win. Always being the odd one out in the situation because of my sex aNd my religion. Being treateD with total lack of respeCt by them. LaugheD at down the pHone when i called to say dinner ready. We are now happy again thanks be to God.

annonumous on January 26, 2015:

My husband is an extrovert. We never entertain people at home. But he will see his friend 2 to 3 times a week for coffee. When he is at home with me he would rather be on Facebook than be with me in a conversation. I have to fight to have his friendship no matter how nice I am or loving I am. Is this normal. ?

guest on December 01, 2014:

My husband keeps talking to my female cousin. I've expressed my concern but neither of them care obviously bc they keep talking and texting. He's lied about being at her house when we were not to be speaking to her. Now she's single and my worry is stronger than ever. I love him and we've got 13 years into this marriage. Nothing seems to work :(

Gez on November 25, 2014:

my wife and I have been together for 13yrs now and have two beautiful daughters we had our ups and downs but got wife now has this friend she has known for just a few months and already the changes have got out of wife now has to have every Friday night with this friend and ends up blind stinking drunk coming home at all hours.this friend buys my wife gifts and always makes sure the drink is in.she knows I have issues with my wife getting too drunk but this seems to fuel her to do it even more,my wife has even had matching tattoos done with this woman and seems to spend every spare moment with her even though she talks to my kids like dirt sometimes.i think this woman has a gay fixation on my wife but she can't see it. I don't want this poison in our lives no more and I told my wife it's me or her and it would seem my wife has chosen her over our marriage.any advice would be great.

anonymous on July 11, 2013:

My husbands friend always calls always drops by and always has something that he wants to take him away out of the state to do.. Belittles me in front on my husband and acts like I do not matter. He is a divorced single man and is bitter. He has no regard for my feelings and our marriage. My husband drops everything to take care of what his friend has rather than to take care of our relationship.

anonymous on November 12, 2012:

Based on the fact you wrote article, you're clearly experiencing some issues. It's hard to tell if your views are directed at multiple friends or one individual in particular. I would advise that you discuss the situation with your partner and if it still can't be resolved seek further assistance as a pair (counselling etc). I don't mean to sound brutal but I don't think it's the "friend(s)" that are the underlying issue. Hope you manage to sort things out.

anonymous on November 07, 2012:

I have had some vile people in my life. Some real stirrers. I don't call them friends. I have about two good friends. And the rest mean nothing the rest are just mates.

anonymous on September 22, 2012:

When a friend hangs around a married couples home .but they know they aren't wanted there so often it can cause a lot. Especially when the person is younger and has not really understud the reall meaning of a married couples relationship. It can cause great distance for one of the two that are married . So please just take that into consideration . Even if you need to talk to your spouses friend do that as a couple so there is a clear understanding. But in some cases you have to be very cautious of the approach . Hope this was helpful .

maryLuu on September 02, 2012:

The frends can become toxic when they are taking sides, when they are always present in your house and they like to spread what they hear or see in your family.

anonymous on August 26, 2012:

When they land up at home unannounced, stay over and expect the friend to be baby sitting all the time, and if that's not enough, walk into our bedroom when we are talking in private...I can't wear nightclothes...Constantly wait to be heard...And once they locked themselves in the room talking, didn't attend my calls and I had to hunt for dinner...We can't have a decent conversation because he is always around...When we're alone, he's always texting because he's going through a separation...And it's taken a toll on my relationship and communication...Taken to drinking more and gone back into my shell...

anonymous on August 23, 2012:

When you are never allowed time alone as a couple, because of a metalling old man. The guy can't take a hint to leave. He will just lay down on my couch and sleep until dinner.

anonymous on July 18, 2012:

A man shouldn't be sharing him and his wifes marital problems with anyone else and try to fix his marital problems with his wife only. Most women feel this type of man is disrespectful and not trustworthy.

anonymous on May 07, 2012:

My husband's newer job has him developing relationships and friendships with mostly male colleagues, bosses, and coworkers not honorable to our marriage vows. They condone immoralities and share vulgar language and innuendos on a regular basis. On the phone, in person, and heavy texting. Very guarded conversations. They will call or text 24/7. And most of the time he will answer. We have precious little time together due to our job schedules. These 'friendships' have become first priority to my husband over our marital promises to honor one another . I pray he would have the guts to put us first again and stop engaging with these people in this way for the sake of our life we committed to each other over three decades ago! Prayers.

AuthorNormaBudden (author) on April 19, 2012:

@anonymous: Michael, taking the chance that you might read this, I'd suggest taking the time to consult the doctor about this situation. Perhaps he/she can clarify things to your wife's friend, though the friend may choose to live in denial.

Otherwise, you can research both medical conditions on the Internet and pass copies of what you find onto your wife's friend - not expecting her to read it right away, of course, but curiosity will get the better of her at some point.

These are just a couple of ideas which come to mind but, regardless of the present, when your wife gets to the point of not remembering her friend, the friend will have no choice but to accept the facts.

In the meantime, I'm sorry you have to carry such a burden alone and would strongly suggest you find someone you trust to talk to about the situation. I will keep you and your situation in my prayers...

anonymous on April 19, 2012:

My wife is now diagnosed with Dementia and Narcissistic Rage. Her Friend does not believe it at all, tells my wife I am trying to have her committed and steal her money. This is sending my wife paranoid and my life into a nightmare. What can I do about this "friend"?

Lorelei Cohen from Canada on January 22, 2012:

My first sprinkling of angel dust on this lens has long worn off so I am back once again to scatter a little more. It is my quest today to bless all the lenses which I blessed in October of 2010. You are on this list.

Kelsey-Budden-16 on April 05, 2010:

Something that is also toxic is, when a friend or sister/brother thinks the world of that husband/wife's spouse. Not as in helping out with the chores and things like that. I'm talking about when they have strong feelings for the husband/wife. Things can get pretty nasty when that happens.

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