Only 3% of all married women married the men who deflowered them. A dream borne at dawn is not necessarily that which comes true at dusk!
"We were separated by time, reason and location. I know not where he is now or what he has become." Said Mary Takora, a South African 62-year-old mother and grandmother, who was among the 200 women interviewed during research for this article. I might quite be safe to say that every woman reading this article would have a similar or slightly different reason as Mary T., for the article's title.
This is essentially the world of women, the secrets of their earliest romance. While some resolved to comment with soft ease, others talked with emotions and tears; a few bluntly refused to speak on the issue: why they aren't with the men who first knew them. Nevertheless, I continued my research and amazingly, a good number warmly and curiously responded to my invitation for interview.
They confessed no other avenues had opened for them to express the episodes of their early love lives. One question produced a book's chapter response, and there I went collating reports upon reports.
My very first question for every woman interviewed was: "At what age were you disvirgined?" None gave a downright response. With a head dropped or tilted, eyes lazily closed, and the tape rolling back; taking time to play out what had been recorded years ago. Some spirit of reticence, regret or shyness; always dominated the mood, before the first word is eventually muttered: "I was 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, when it happened.
Close to 69% of my interviewees gave the above age range. Another 19% claimed losing their virginity between 19 and 21. Only 8% crossed age 25 with their virginity intact. And scarcely 4% got married still virgin.
And then, this question that got almost a unique answer from all: "As a fledgling girl, did you ever wish to marry the man who would deflower you?" "Oh yes!" They would exclaim. And truly, I discovered that between the ages of social awareness and the first intercourse, every girl has this dream of a nice and saintly boy/man who would be their first and only all through their lives. But is this girlish reasoning another naivety? Perhaps, but these our teenage sisters deserve no much blame. I tried to see through their eyes that it's simply a pure and innocent wish of one about confronting an unknown world.
But why is this wish mostly never comes to pass? From my findings, a better part of the female folk is initiated at an age too tender and unprepared to foster ambition for solid love and courtship. Their commonest reason for accepting a lad's advances lies within frivolousness, curiosity and vogue. And as they mature in age, they either grow away from their first love and get entrapped in other amorous discoveries; or are simply pulled along as parents change bases.
Analytically, the value women attach to maidenhead dwindles as they transit from early teens to spinsters. This is either because the treasure they had all the while safeguarded had been lost, or they no longer foresee any golden difference between a virgin and a disvirgined, in a present word dominated by amoral standards. Virginity is neither a guarantee for a good marriage nor a security against horrible marriage. Why then must I strive to preserve it.? It's the mentality that's long taken the stage.
Shella, a 34-year-old Australian mother, said her devoutly catholic parents exalted her to safeguard her virginity until her wedding day; that her future husband would see himself the luckiest amongst men and would cherish her forever. This she did reverently, but the luckiest man didn't cherish her forever. After their first child, he abandoned her for a pub's waitress. Shella categorised to me "Men won't value your virginity for long."
Another group of women believes some men are wary of girls tagged to be virgins because they prejudge them raw and unskilful in bed. And even when tolerated, such girls might grow wild and uncontrollable in a bid to make up for the juvenile spree they never tasted. So by precaution, men wouldn't mind girls that have seen enough and now set to settle down.
But researching the men's angle to confirm this belief produced opposing views. There exist a great number of men who still wish to cling to an untouched woman. "Hard to find nowadays though", nearly all would confess. Otherwise, if they had a choice, they would prefer a virgin for wife. But in the absence of this miracle, any girl goes even if she had known fifty men in the past. The most important thing is: faithfulness henceforth, darling!
"He tore me, caused me to bleed and stole my pride." Brenda Harris, 42, from Lakewood, California (USA); recalled this incident (shared also by some women) as a reason not to be with her first man. She said the event made her horrible rather than joyous; consequently, it left in her a lingering repugnance for him.
Instead of love, honor and respect like I ever imagined all women owed their first lover, arrant abhorrence is what some harbor for their first men. This category of women felt and still feel they were preyed upon, abused and even maimed by their initiators- who in wise deserve their perpetual kind- heartedness. It is another reason, a bit ridiculous like some women joked, why this earliest romance never consolidates. According to Brenda, her first true lover was her third boyfriend and not the first that wounded her.
Preservation of virginity is being perceived in some world circles as awkward and outdated sexual ethos. Young girls now deem it obligatory to break their virginity in order to break into the class of refined and sociable sisters they desire to belong. What was once esteemed by families and communities as a pearl is now jeered at as a stinking reproach. A virgin girl is shy and uncomfortable to confide her status to her peers for fear of mockery. Who then would fight to preserve her 'pure nature' when no reward is envisaged?
Liberia is one of the countries where these circles liberally exist. Girls there told me that "It would be a villainous deprivation of variety if a girl has to know only one man all her life."
To an extreme conviction, some folks there consider it even cruel admonishing a daughter to keep her virginity. As a result, some daughters and sisters get the freedom to "Experiment with men, gaining experience in the process until they are hooked in a marriage." Explained a 40-year-old mother.
In Libya, like in most Islamic lands, where religion and customs still strive to curb the infiltration of loose sexual attitudes via foreign media, virginity remains almost sacred to all folks. Girls still strive to honor their husbands and families by keeping themselves undefiled till marriage. And most men would not tolerate a girl who's opened when she had all along been assumed closed.
There was a story of a groom who knifed his bride to death during their first intercourse upon discovering that she had lied on her virginity. Female kids and young girls are still being betrothed in these parts of the world. Love, life and marriage still hold high regard for virginity and sane morality even when there are reports of growing number of escapees. In no guess, women from these worlds constitute a better part of the meager percentage that makes it to marriage with their virginity intact.
Pragmatically, modern women no longer prioritize this sex factor in their quest for a man to be bound to. The character factor now dominates their assessment plot. No girl off late is prepared to abide by a wild husband even if he was her initiator. Experimenting with numerous sex partners until a Mr. Right is fetched out has been a standing formula. Virginity and its imaginary glories have since been deposed. Nothing is in virginity; virginity is in nothing.
Almost all men today, believe no nubile girl could ever be virgin. And so women, knowing that their prospective suitors and husbands are not expecting them to be virgins, feel free to use their nature as they wish. But how many men or relationships would a moralist counsel women to know before getting married? And how would he warn them on tackling the consequences of promiscuity and the twists and turns of love affairs: running from heartbreaks, abortions, illegitimate children, single-parenting to STDs and temptations?
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
jules on November 23, 2018:
The man who took my virginity was older than me.He four years older than me i was 15 yrs. After a few years i got pregnant at 24 with our first child. but during the relationship he had other relationships with a few girls older than me. He left me with the bby and left to stay in another city and told me that my bby was not his. But life goes on. i got married after a few yrs to someone else but my marriage did not last cause i was thinking of the man who left me and he took my viginity with him. cause i still loved my first love. still thinking of him every day of my life till date. Believe me or not. i am 55yrs of age married for the second time he got married twice me to. The second wife he got married to was a married woman with 2 children. And i still think about him how i still love that men. Do you think this is normal or is my mind playing trix on me. Does he also still think about me or not. Maybe i am crazy. At this time he is over sixty. do you think i am mad or am i losing it. cause i know he will never come back to me.
Zad on March 28, 2018:
Rene, the only legitimate message you can have to your 19 year old boy is never to get married. That and also never to believe in fairy tales such as the existence of a god. These are all social constructs and no one should be forced to arrange their limited time on this piece of shit of a planet around them. I keep hearing stuff like "In the year XX it was like Y but we're living in the ZZ decade now therefore the truth is much different". Truth is what you want for YOUR life, it's not like you know... fashion. If you seek to adapt yourself to ongoing trends, well... you'll just drop out of "fashion" real fast. Never believed in a god, never believed in merits of physical virginity, never wanted a kid but always had this hunch in my little brain that if the other party does not completely submit to you, past and present, bodily and intellectually, you're not a couple. Just some strangers jerking each other off.
x on March 28, 2018:
men with proper amount of testosterone and iq are all disgusted by the idea of investing time and money on a female who is probably not all that much into them as people. virginity is a trivial factor, we're all broken one way or another but that really sums it. I support equality, including freedom to experience one's sexuality but this is an undeniable fact if one wants to marry. I don't.
unknown on March 22, 2018:
Hello ...I need your help in my situation .I'm a muslim arab girl raised in Europe ,I had kinda physical interaction with one muslim man but because I always refused to have a real intercourse I've been left by Him .I'm still a Virgin but yet I feel so confused and I believe no Muslim or Arab will accept to marry a girl who has been kissed ,cuddled before even if she is a virgin .I'm thinking of getting married to a christian or even a jew man as they are more open minded and understanding .I'm 26 years old now and I have a lot of dreams and ambitions as a doctor but I always think of this and wish for the right decision to make .so please help me make this decision soon . Thank you very much in advance .
John Anthony on November 27, 2017:
My Bride and I celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary this year . We were both virgins on our wedding night together . I have no regrets . She is the girl / woman I fell in love with . This is a bond I choose for my bride . To this day she still's gets me excited .
There are times when we go out to parties or any gathering and women will hit on me and I tell them
"I'm very married", no thanks ".
Thru the years we had our ups and downs , good and bad and I love my bride more today then yesterday .
V on July 07, 2015:
I support that Kristen. yeah what if she was disvirgined through rape? nice article burh you gotta state some facts that oughta real because really your tryna condemn and repulsed.
Yoleen Lucas from Big Island of Hawaii on March 30, 2015:
In the past, the rule for women remaining virgins until marriage was for several reasons: 1) most STDs were incurable, 2) birth control options were limited and unknown to most people, and 3) it was assumed an experienced woman would stray after marriage, leaving her husband to financially support children that weren't his. Now that the first two problems have been dealt with, and the 3rd has been revealed as a myth, there is no reason not to "test drive the car before buying".
I was raised with old fashioned mores. I lost my virginity at a late age. I don't regret it. It was an unpleasant experience, and not one I would want to endure the rest of my life, so I'm one of those women you wrote about. I'm glad I discovered what it's about before foreswearing myself to someone, since I don't relish the thought of divorce.
Ethos on June 02, 2014:
The real answers is because they fell for a charismatic douche bag who dumped them. The men they end up marrying are dull betas who they use as an atmosphere to drain resources from, because they can't attract quality men with their sexuel history and baggage.
cindy on May 04, 2014:
nice post..keep urself till marriage nd receive lots of blessings from God..am talking from experience
WTF on January 28, 2014:
So we should keep ourselves "pure" or "closed" as a reward to men who frolick and do whatever they choose. This really is a man's world!
firstname.lastname@example.org on December 22, 2013:
virginity is not a baseline for a succesful marriage life.it only take God n sincere love to kip d marriage moving
kirsten on July 12, 2012:
what if the girl was being raped? Will you say that she was carefree in keeping her virginity? What do you think her future husband will say? I think your piece is just to condemn,humiliate,repulsed;girls that have lost their virginity either knowingly or knowingly. though,i'm still a virgin by d special grace of God but i have to b very sincere with you,your article is too BLUNT! Gosh! Pls consider how unfortunate gals will feel when they read through your unguarded article. Thanks
Olamide on May 24, 2012:
Dis is a nice post
K-netpsyc. on May 11, 2012:
A very good expository. Its good young ppl knw d after result of their desires, values, & influence of mordernity on their lives. Wht mattrs aftr all is d kind of story one stands 2 tell 2moro.
beb christus on April 20, 2012:
gud work! do more 2 spread it 2 yung girlz.
Mimie on February 21, 2012:
Tashia on January 11, 2012:
Nyc piece.kip it up
omosnazzy on December 30, 2011:
am so hapi wit ur word of encouragement,its indeed a rear tin 2 find som1 lyk u wit words dat can capture d hrt so dearly.i must confess i hav gained a lot 4rm dis nd wish u could organise a forum so dat oda youths who dnt hav d oportunity 2 browse can also learn 4rm it aswel.i pray u suceed in al ur endeavor of spreadn dis words out.tnks nd God bles u abondantly.
Rene on September 02, 2010:
I just read this to my 19 year old son. Of course he didn't care much for the topic and let out a big sigh when I read the last paragraph. I am hoping it will give him food for thought. He knows first hand many young, well educated, people his age who came from very good families who played this game of russian roulette and lost. When you consider heartbreak, abortion, illegitimate children, and STD's there are more bullets in that gun than empty chambers. Your gonna loose.
AVWUNU.I.R on June 03, 2008:
Your imaginative/writing skill is a blessing from God,and you must develop it to the full and the sky is your limit It is my prayer you get in contact with the appropriate outfit or organisation were your best potential revealed.