I know what it's like to have difficult in-laws. Over the years, I've learned strategies to make things easier.
Do You Not Like Your In-Laws?
If you can't stand your in-laws, spending time with them is probably the last thing you want to do—and yet sometimes it's just unavoidable. Maybe your spouse is very, very close to his or her family, and it's just you who seems to have the problem. Or maybe your in-laws are genuinely awful people, and both you and your spouse would rather have root canals without anesthesia than sit in the same room with them for more than five minutes.
I'm going to assume, for the sake of this article, that you've given yourself enough time to honestly get to know your in-laws. You've given them ample opportunity to prove you wrong—and yet they demonstrate, time and time again, that they're never going to change.
3 Ways to Keep Your Cool
First of all, even if you have the only grandchildren in the family, there's no law that says you have to like your spouse's parents. However, for the sake of your marriage, you do at least need to be polite to them. This may be hard if they live nearby and wish to see the two of you on a regular basis. However, there are a few strategies you can employ to make these encounters more bearable.
1. Busy Yourself With Helpful Chores
This strategy works well if you're going over to your in-laws' home. Rather than suffer through the visit, find a project to do around the house that will help them out. Offer to clean the gutters, mow the lawn, or weed the garden. Chances are, they'll not only leave you alone with your onerous task, because God forbid you should ask them to pitch in, they'll even think better of you for your labors on their behalf.
2. Find a Family Activity
Think of a family activity that will involve everyone—and distract your in-laws. My mother visited recently, and since neither my husband, Alex, nor I like her very much, mostly due to her constant stream of advice and/or cutting comments, I offered to go see the movie Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix with her. She and I are both Harry Potter fans, but neither my father nor Alex are—so this was the only way either my mother or I was going to get to see the movie. Three hours of together time with my mother that precluded talking! It doesn't get any more win-win than that.
3. Keep Mum (But Vent Later)
If your spouse is really close to his or her family, and you just can't stand them, you might want to seriously consider keeping the bulk of your opinion to yourself, for the sake of your relationship. Make sure your partner knows how you feel—and then drop it. If your in-laws live nearby and you can't always manage to fill the visit with chores or distracting family activities, stay nice. In fact, if your in-laws know how you feel about them—and they probably do—it will really piss them off if you're acting more civilized and more polite than they are! Plus, your spouse will love you for it.
Take what they dish out during the visit, but wait to vent until you get home (or until they go home). And your venting doesn't need to be verbal. In fact, it's probably more effective if it's not. Make a loaf of bread and pretend the dough you're vigorously kneading is your father-in-law's head. Get out the weed wacker and project your mother-in-law's face onto every weed you cut down.
For Better or for Worse
Unfortunately, when you marry your partner, on some level you marry their entire family—for better or for worse. This fact actually kept me from acting on my true feelings for Alex for years, since the thought of becoming his mom's daughter-in-law was more than a little romantically prohibitive! She is a formidable, opinionated woman, born and raised in Germany during World War II, and she does not suffer idiots gracefully. However, over time, I began to see that the fact that I really love her son (the last of her seven children to marry), earned me a lot of esteem in her eyes.
And when I produced a daughter that is the spitting image of her Oma and then started occasionally asking my mother-in-law for parenting advice, well, let's just say that at this point I am on her list of "favored" in-laws. I may not like the woman much, but I sure like being on her good side!
© 2007 Rhomylly
mem on January 30, 2020:
I cannot stomach my s-i-l (husband's sister). She is so disrespectful to me and my relationship with her brother. She manipulates him with gifts and financial help - I have told him many times to not go to her for $ or to even let her know about any financial issues we have!!!! She moved next door to us and she has invaded my friendships, my church and especially my relationship. We've had several arguments and I made a conscious choice not to have anything to do with her (she lives right next door). I ignore her as much as I can - she is a bully and a narcissist. I pray all the time that God will either move us or her - she makes me sick.
mh on January 17, 2020:
why would i want to do anythin to help them they are literally garbage. so should I take them out out to better the environment like the heck
Georgia on May 27, 2019:
Hi everyone what advice can someone give me? I really like this Man Iam dateing .His Mother mad because she cant control me.Shes has real bad controlling issues. Do I stay my distance from her ?
k s on May 24, 2019:
No matter the issues or side you are coming from this truth can’t be escaped.
You can only give the love value and respect to others that you have for yourself.
That is the starting point and when real resolutions can begin!
PR on April 21, 2019:
1. my husband and his parents hurried our marriage because they wanted to take out a loan for his parents house AND brother in laws house. They knew i came from a decently well off family and was earning well myself. My husband hid this fact until a month before the wedding discussed.
2. I was studying at an ivy college and cudnt afford a fancy wedding immediately after.My fuance assured me he wud pay or we wud do 50-50 but instead they asked him the money he had saved for our wedding as downpayment for their house!!! This was still ok but on top of that my horrible mil wanted my dad to pay for the fancy wedding. my husband said nothing. i put my foot down and we had a horrible court marriage instead.
3. I know my husband comes from a sexist society and we had discussed this before marriage and he assured me he or his family wasn't like that but wow they were extremely sexist and worse they believed the wife's family is a tool to be used for their means. on top of that his family was so jealous of us. They constantly brainwashed my husband on not to treat his wife or wife's family with respect. They told him he shud make his fil sleep on the floor and not give up a room for him and my husband said this to me.
3. My husband acts all sincere but always has a hidden agenda and i get fooled by it over and over . i lost my father to cancer in all his and his family's pressure after marriage. i lost everything because i trusted my husband's advice and judgement.
4. I became insecure about my finances because his family always leeches on us wen we need it the most. So after 3 years of marriage told my husband to pay the rent which i was doing from my salary all along. I decided this will fix my marriage but this is just a bandaid over a deep gash and it fixed nothing. There are constantly trying to manipulate him or me for money or tell him to stop spending on his wife coz real men dont do that. I have to always be alert about their next plan.
4. his dad died soon after my dad was diagnosed with cancer. he went back to the USA with his mom while i stayed with my dad for his treatment. I moved back to visti him and his mom in US to helo them grieve and regret doing that because she was so mean to me . she hated wen my husband bought me clothes . she made mean comments about the way i managed the household while going to work full time. I cooked cleaned and gave up our master bedroom for her to stay in because she thought it was lovely and as the guys mother she is entitled to it. i was fine with it and wanted her to feel better . I planned to stay for few months and then quit my job to take care of my dad but she had other plans. her plans were to get us to pay for her elder son's( a typical leech ) downpayment on house
4. i am sick of my husband and in laws and regret spending 6 years away from my family and losing my dad . My mil and husband even stopped me with words and manipulation.. (u have no idea how clouded the mind is wen ur depressed and look for support to the ones u think love u) to move to my house wen dad was dying of cancer and mom and sis needed help. I stayed because i thut i had to keep my job to pay for further treatment even tho i had enuf saved up and my mil kept telling me that his son didnt think the marriage wud work if we stayed apart for long .. i just had a few months left with my dad and i lost it to these horrible monsters and wanted money to buy a house for the bil and his wife and two kids .
6. after dad died i planned to move my mom and sis to the US so that they wud hv a change of scenery but my mil stayed with my husband and refused to leave until a few days before my office family leave got over. After that my husband told me my mom and sis came that i shud rent out a separate house because the apartment guys would complain of noise wen so many ppl stay?!!!! apparently they complained wen my mil and sil's family was over . I asked him if he wud do the same if his family came over and he said no. I never had the courage to call my mom and sis because i felt that my husband wud throw them out and i constantly travel overseas and use up every holiday i get to see them instead.
6. i now plan to move back to be with mom and sis and live happily ever after. i hate living an imprisoned marriage wen I constantly hv to watch my back with my husband and his horrible family. They say something . do something else have some hidden plan that i wont see coming. i am tired of this.
7. i plan to get every penny my husband owes me while in marriage and leave him at the time i am fully independent in my own country with a job and a house. teo can play this sweet talk game and hidden agenda game.. after wat he did nothing seems enuf money for the time i lost
Daisy on April 19, 2019:
If you want your marriage to last,dont let your inlaw move in with you! It will destroy your marriage!
Cindykins on April 02, 2019:
My mother inlaw is a genuinely awful person. I was young when I married and tried hard for her approval. After we got married her friends empathised with my husband and I. One told us she is a narcissist. Another that we should move as far away as possible. She has said terrible things to me over the years. My MIL has never worked and has always wanted to be cared for. Her husband is unwell, and when we found this out 10 years ago asked her to work and to discuss their retirement plan. Their plan was to work until they (my FIL) dies :/ My FIL is a lovely man. Now, he is sicker and they need money. I work very hard and have always out-earned my husband and supported him as he builds his own business. To find out we will have to assist in supporting his parents is a bitter pill to swallow. We have fought about it and cannot see eye to eye. I adore my husband, but not his mom. How do I manage to support this women financially when she has been lazy, entitled and so mean to me? I'm beyond anxious and depressed about it.
Alan on April 01, 2019:
Believe me, I know in-laws can be a pain, insulting, rude, and just plain idiotic. Perhaps if you watch very carefully, you can find things that really make them feel uncomfortable... like a dirty, licking dog or something like that. If you fill their visiting time with things that are irritating they will be less likely to want to visit. Fill each visit with depressing, negative conversation... that totally makes me want to avoid people all the time.
Michelechristine on March 21, 2019:
I’ve been married for 30 years and the first time I met my MIL I over heard her say to her Mother that she didn’t like me because I was not Catholic and did not have a college degree also I was previously married and had a 2 year old son.
I use to go to IL house for holidays and some birthdays but I have stopped and during these visits I was ignored by the whole family including my husband for hours each visit and would hear smart comments about me or my kids who btw hate going over there but if we didn’t my husband would get very very upset.
Me and my husband did separate, I left him and only God knows what he told them why. I left because of his temper and verbal abuse. I tried again when I returned to him to be involved with his family and it was Worse!!!
His brother has almost ran into me purposely at his sister wedding and I even invited ALL of them after this to my husbands 50th birthday and his Mother walked into my home and his family didn’t speak to me at all, in my house.
I said then I’m done.
Now the cousins are getting married two weddings this summer and I know I was only invited out of obligation and I don’t want to go. I don’t understand why my husband allows his family to treat me this way and wants to still go to events even without me. I am beyond hurt and he knows this even though he calls me a liar when I tell him what I over hear at the dinner table of 21 and other events.
What is my role as a wife? And what is my husbands role in this and should he attend these weddings? Should I?
One more thing my son who he adopted at age 3 isn’t invited because he has a past and they are so judgmental. I’m beyond pissed with the IL and my husband.
PLEASE ADVISE! I want to do the right thing but I also think my husband does also.
Chris on July 20, 2018:
Best thing to do is just wait for jerk in-laws to hooefully die young and avoid them at every opportunity.
Sam on March 26, 2018:
When I met my husband, I was going to be part of the family when we married. I was very wrong. I guess I acted like a “Miss Know it All” I just act that way sometimes. But other than than I am a pretty good person. Well, I guess they felt like 2nd class citizens. It was not enough to destroy the love in a family. They became jealous. Not conceited like. But it made them think I was better than them. That cemented the extreme dislike for me. So some followed this form of Shunning. Other’s stayed neutral. They wanted to be excepted by both sides. Of course I was never told why until my Sister in-law gave me an example. Then I put it together why. I am now at ease. But to shun anyone is so disrespectful, and the other family members either follow this thought or not get involved. To act like a clique of friends to one person is pure bullying. They might not suffer in this life but they sure will in the next! Pray for them
Okie on March 20, 2015:
My common laws are deep southern country folk who have never experienced anything, but our relationship started out ok, but then they came out. My girl has two gay brothers, one brother who stays in jail and then a lot more of them that seem like they are all still kids. I am from Chicago and so don't like the South. Since I have been here everyone tells me how arrogant northern people act. As for here family, they are all very nosey. She loves them and I like that about her, but she is not allowed to be an individual. They all stay in one another's business. Once she lied to me to make me go with her and her family to the Virgin Islands. I had no problem allowing her go alone with her family. But she kept pressing. I didn't want to go because we had just bought a house and she moved right passed that idea. My father died and she didn't see a reason to go to his funeral with me, but when it comes to going places with her family then I should drop everything and do it. We have been together for almost eight years and I have been to almost every family event each year, she has yet to come visit my family without complaint. Once her southern down home nice mom was caught talking about one of her brother's wives, this is a common practice in her family; no one said anything to her mother. Now if that wife had been caught doing the same thing then it would have been an issue. One of her brothers once told me, "If the mother don't like someone then they are out of the family." What is this the southern mafia. I am an adult, my mother does not have to like someone I am dating. They claim to be nice people, but all they do is talk about one another and their finances, how much the other is doing wrong and then want to get together and smile. They are a tight family that has a hug elephant in the room every time they get together. I want to avoid them all together, but she forces me to go around them. They stay in every bodies business. I love my family, but love my privacy. I am a retired Marine and she is my care taker. She orders my medicine and do some other things, she told her freaking family this without telling them the details. She simply told them that she was my caretaker, how does that sound. This position pays, one of her family members once asked if she was getting paid yet? How about no telling anyone out business, she told me that she wanted to tell her family everything. She once lied to me about something because her brother told her to lie to me. Lastly, her family talk about all of the inlaws in the family. I asked her if she ever considered the common denominator, being her family. I love my family, we have tons of family reunions every year, but we don't stay in each other's business on that level. My family has tried to cross into my boundaries, but as an adult I move them back across the line.
drowninginnegativity on September 23, 2014:
I've been married a little over 6month now , I gave up my job , family and friends to move to my husband's country . When I arrived here we had to live with his mother . His place was destroyed by a tree falling on it during a storm so he moved in with her before I arrived . Well you guessed it we are still here . His mother is a two faced , narcissistic, manipulative weirdo . She is always trying to play us off against each other the only problem is my husband is such a mothers boy ( something he hid from me very well until I got to witness it first hand ) . She not only does his taxes but controls his bank accounts , every week she asks him for several blank cheques I asked what for out of curiosity he said he didn't know she just needs them . She opens his mail then hides it away everything from bank statements to junk then produces it at later dates like " oh your car tags are due go get them I've had this letter for ages now " . Recently he has been looking for a new job she pretends to be his wife to get more info from recruiters calling , tells them he is no longer looking if she doesn't like the sound of a job and has even refused a few jobs on his behalf because it would mean moving out ... as I'm home I see this but he doesn't believe me, she lies her ass off saying no one called so he wonders why he never gets called back after interviews and why I'm making stuff up about her . I've caught her listening in on his phone calls several times , actually on her hands and knees listening at the door . When he has an interview for a job he really wants she spends the run up to it bad mouthing the company and talking him out of it especially if it means we would move out . The night before interviews is usually spent trying to get him to cancel and telling him he has no chance anyway.
She interferes in everything ,if I say " if you want that job take it after all you're the one who will be working it " she finds a way to create so much negativity he ends up no longer wanting the job and lists the reasons why as the words she was spouting at him . She insists on reading over his applications, she has even threatened to write to companies who felt he wasn't right for the job because no one is better than her son and they should employ him over others ( ironic that if he gets turned down she wants to fight the company yet she spends days before hand telling him not to go to the interview ).
She controls what and when he eats ..boiled eggs three days in advance for his lunch because his wife obviously isn't capable ..you know because someone who made their living in their own country as a chef can't possibly boil eggs or cook anything for that matter . I cooked dinner ( for her too I never leave her out ) last Friday as she was out all day she ate a small bite then said it was a little too heavy for her she couldn't possibly eat it , it would make her ill . The next day she made dinner at 8am to " stop me getting ideas about cooking again " so as she was out at lunch time my husband and I ate the left overs from my dinner . She went mad because we didn't save her any ( despite her having had lunch out ) I can't win .
If we go out and she is home she calls us to go back to the house for lunch she has made already ( usually a sandwich ) if we don't she behaves like we crapped on the table and told her her food is rubbish which to be fair 3day old eggs , everything cooked in tinned tomatoes , pasta over cooked and premade days in advance then left to sweat in the fridge before being microwaved to Luke warm etc isn't exactly the stuff you want to rush back to .
We have been out for dinner three times once the night we got married and two other times because I insisted we ate while out rather than cut short the evening to go back and eat at her demand . Going out for dinner causes so much tension , inviting her to join us just invokes the " but I'm going to cook I always cook I'm cooking it you're not going out I'll cook we will all stay in " .if we venture out my husband seems to rush to get us home by 9pm incase his mother gets mad ..I'm 36 I haven't had a curfew since I was 14 . She has to know where we are , what we are doing every minute of the day if she goes out she quizzes us to see if we ate what she had pre made or to see if we left the house ..it's driving me insane but my husband seems to like it because he never stands up to her if she says we are staying in the house then we stay in the house regardless of wether we had plans or not .
She has " secret " talks to him about me which she doesn't realize I can hear neither does my husband when instead of standing up for me he agrees with what she says then makes stuff up to join in the bitching ..His excuse is well you know I don't mean it and it keeps her happy . I'm the outsider as I'm often reminded I don't know what's going on ..mainly because she hides things and then tells him not to tell me or else ...I have no idea what the or else is but it keeps him compliant.
When my husband goes to work she makes his breakfast , does him a packed lunch , waves him off at the door , insists he texts her at lunch ..She actually sleeps on the sofas so she is the first one downstairs and has the cereal etc out on the table ready just incase God forbid I take it into my head to do it , she does his lunch in the middle of the night and has them ready days in advance again to stop me getting ideas above my station.
When he comes home she greets him at the door , by door I mean she ambushes him in the garage in order to have an hour long bitch about me to him or to tell him things I'm not allowed to hear which 9 times out of 10 is something as silly as she bought his favourite ice cream or about something she read in the paper . She is a conspiracy nut everything bad that happens in the world is the fault of one guy ( some old friend ) and by hook or by crook she will prove it which involves constant letters to congress , fbi, cia etc its akward and comes off as obsessive and crazy especially when followed by "you don't know what's going on its a secret but I'll tell you and when I do you will be in awe of me but you can't tell her" ( her is me btw ) .
Yup..I'm always referred to as her or she unless in company. I'm lazy I never do anything ( obviously fairies come in and do all the cleaning , dishes , yard work and laundry etc ) not that I'd know how to do it anyway what with me not being very intelligent ..if I pull a weed you can guarantee when telling my husband later it was a prize plant that will never be replaced . The sad thing now is my husband is starting to behave the same way toward me ..I never do or say anything right , I'm always in the wrong , if I drop something accidentally I threw it , if I close a door I slammed it , if I don't close it I should have ,if I'm asked for an opinion and give it I'm shouted down , if he has a conversation with his mother and he doesn't like what she said it's turned around so I said it despite not being anywhere near or even in the house . I can't win ..they both make me feel like His mother is his wife and she certainly gives the impression she thinks she is and I'm the third wheel with no right to intrude . If I speak out I'm a Bitch if I say nothing I'm a rude ignorant mean Bitch .
I'm starting to wish I'd never met him , he was so different when he lived alone even telling me a marriage is between two people, you and the person you married and that's what I think too only this marriage is between him and his mother while I'm just the person they dragged into it to keep up appearance.
I spend my days in near silence so I can't be accused of saying this or that , I tip toe around them so I don't annoy or offend either of them and all with a smile on my face being over polite to avoid being called sullen , miserable and nasty . I have no idea what to do beyond pack my things admit defeat and leave but as I'm still waiting on a green card I can't do that so I'm stuck for now .
Alicia G on November 16, 2012:
I honestly don't know why I can't stand my mother-in-law. I think what it is that I hate is how she calls me and introduces me to people as her "daughter". I also don't like the way she calls me baby girl and talks to me like I am 4. She says things like "remember if you need anything you have to let mommy know" and "you'll get what you want for Christmas if you're a good girl". I hate it so much!!! She is very pretentious. She has all these stupid things she plans for the holidays and everybody has to go along with whatever she plans. She is so dramatic and very emotional too. And she talks too much. I hate it when she talks. I know that others have real problems and this is hardly a tragedy but I just cant stand her. She also treats and still sees her a son as a young boy. She constantly gives unsolicited advice. She is also very generous and I know this should be a good thing but the way she does it makes me feel that me and my husband are incapable of taking care of ourselves. She constantly gives and offers to give us money whenever we want to go out to eat. She does this because she wants us especially her son to be dependent on her. I appreciate the help and everything but I am an independent woman and has always been able to provide for myself and this kind of behavior is driving me crazy. I try really hard to get along with her and possibly like and even love her, but every time she opens her mouth, I go back to hate.
36years on October 21, 2012:
Almost been on both sides of the fence as MIL myself (almost) & DIL. I can tell you this - being a DIL IS MUCH TOUGHER than being a MIL. For the life of me, I WILL NEVER understand why my in-laws are and were such SOB's. They almost 'hand-picked' me for their son. But wanted to control our lives (eliminating the competition - my parents & siblings - completely, if it were possible). Never came across such mean, rotten people so self-absorbed & selfish. The universe revolved around them. MIL has referred to her as 'the queen' - believe it or not! She wants to control lives down through the generations. Can't wait for her to 'kick the bucket'.
36years on October 21, 2012:
Been 36 years of in-law hell. Very controlling dysfunctional family with enormous egos. MIL has always been insulting & demeaning. Very strange family interested abnormally in photos which used to be taken during family dinners. MIL very narsacisstic, subtly nasty siblings through the years. Many 'stunts' pulled. Considered divorce many times but never thought I could make it on my own with very young kids. Husband has become more supportive through the years, but widowed MIL worse than ever. Fearful that upon husband's retirement in-laws will seek to sleep over new house for periods of time. Can't stand them for five minutes. If that were the case, would probably leave the house. Want to relocate & change environment, but don't want in-laws staying in new house with us.
Rachael on June 06, 2012:
My in laws used to be very involved in our daughters' lives...until...Baby Girl SIL moved back into town into a home her parents "helped" her purchase. They dropped my kids like hot rocks. All of their time was spent helping baby girl raise her family, clean her house, buy groceries, cook dinner, act a taxi to all sporting events (which they also paid for). I swear sil can't use the toliet without mommy and daddey buying her the paper and holding her hand for suppot. So my kids lost their grandparents. FIL has always been an angry hot headed verbally abusive many. Well Baby girl gets a divorce, files bankruptcy and forecloses on her house and had her car repoed. Mommy and Daddy sell their house, cash out the home equity loan and buy 2 houses...IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD!!!!!!!! then cracy sil marries a creepo a few weeks after she met him on a dating site. He made some uncomfortable comments about my daughter and creeped my husband out when he assisted with a light fixture replacement. Apparrantely creepy guy is really comfortable with full body contact. My husband...not so much. We couldn't get the inlaws to help us out so we could take one injured child to the ER...no, we're heading to the movies but keep us posted. FIL stood my daughter up for the daddy/daughter dance. She fell asleep on the couch in a new dress waiting for his knock on the door. typical. They have never acknowledged our autistic youngest child. He doesn't exist. We've known for years that they want nothing to do with our kids. Fine, that's their decision. So someone decides that we need to work things out...it dissolved into a FIL screaming match and finges being pointed at me. ENOUGH. I walked out and never looked back. We put or home on the markedt. The house sold in 3 days. We now live where we have enough distance to never run into each other again...NEVER AGAIN!!! Much happier far away from all their drama. Although....we still get collection agencies looking for my crazy non bill paying sil.
Still Love my husband, just not his family. I will never let them hurt me or my chidren ever again.
Pumpkin1983 on May 22, 2012:
I have the worst story ever. I don't even know where to start. I now after 5 years do not believe you have to deal with your inlaws. My inlaws are terrible and retched.My MIL is so controlling and manipulative it makes no sense.She has to be the biggest control freak I have ever met in my life and always has something to say about everything. The worst thing for me is she is a hypocrite. She claims to be such a Godly woman but she is the most gossiping person I have ever met. My husband is the rope in a tugawar game with his mother (SHE IS WINNING). This year I couldnt take it anymore so I left and I took the children and moved back with my mother because I was so depressed. Marriage is hard enough with out all the extra drama from families. My family has always stayed out of our business and has respected our marriage.His family on the other hand always has an opinion and it drives me nuts. The biggest issue was that I found out that my husband slept with a 15 year old girl when he was 25... BUT WAIT she is my new SIL (MARRIED TO HIS BROTHER). I didnt even kow they used to be together let alone that she was a freaking sophmore in highschool during the time. So I was reasy to leave my husband then because I think that is so nasty and I dont see what a 25 year old man with a 4 year old son and 2 ex wives has in common with a 15 year old girl and still til this day 3 years after knowing I cant make sense of it. But anyway to continue the story I went crying to the MIL and she told me to let it go and not say anything about it... I guess she was embarrased but really are we really not going to deal with this as a family. So, we never dealt with it and things just went on and I stayed with my husband but it caused us to have trust issues, communication issues, and intimacy issues... all of our issues just multiplied by 1000... We never went to therapy. My MIL wants us over her house for sunday dinner every sunday and I dont get along with any of them mostly because of this situation. My husband has such an attachment to his family. I have been asking him to move since the discovery of the above described issue and he wont move. Every sunday that I see her I have to look at her and think she slept with my husband and now she is married to his brother and my husband slept with her when she was a child in my mind. That thought crosses my mind every time I see her or think about her and I have tried to overcome this issue but I think it is going to be impossible without counsel. The family was not supportive of me and what I was going through but was supportive of him and I was left to deal with it alone but then they got mad because I told my friends about it. In my mind I was like well yall didnt want to deal with it so I am dealing with it the best way I know how and I need to vent. But anyway moving on my husband is also an asshole to me and he doesnt love me the way he should so I left for 6 months and now I am back and I don't know how to start over with a clean slate if the problems are still there. I want to work my marriage out and we also have 4 children together... What to do... I am so tired of the same ol dumb stuff and I have about 20 more stories to add on to this one... My husband wants me to work things out with his family but I dont think the relationships are salvageable I think I need to worry about my husband and my kids and let them go over there on Sundays so they can see the grandchildren and be done with it. I honestly have no desire to heal these relationships because for me the hardest part has been that they werent humble enough to say they were wrong because the pendulum swings both ways for sure and everyone had a piece of this disaster pie. They are the type to blame everyone else for their family problems. FYI the problems existed within before I was a part. They just happen to come out now and I am not going to accept this. HELP
FedUP2012 on May 16, 2012:
After reading all these posts, I can really feel the frustration that comes from trying to relate to people and families who are so contextually different than your own. It's hard at the best of times to really understand someone's point of view from their perspective, but to read that one comment where someone suggested that we grow some balls or it's our fault that we married into the families that are causing us so much grief, is completely ignorant and totally arrogant, if not grossly pretentious. I for one, thought I was marrying into the most lovely decent family. When I started dating my husband, I thought his parents were truly in love with one another, and they all seemed to project morals and good values that I thought would be essential in raising a family. After 8 years of marriage however, I learned that my husband's parents were lying, not only to me and their 3 sons, but to their entire community and their extended family members, as my father-in-law had committed a terrible, unforgivable act that was willingly covered up for decades, and this cover up was supported by his wife and her family. When I learned of this I was shocked and embarrassed and actually wanted to remove my 2 children from this disgusting situation and divorce my husband. But my husband wasn't involved. He was as shocked and disgusted as I was to learn about what his father did, and how his mother went along with it for so many years. He broke his heart, and since learning of this, he has cut all ties to his father-on his own. I love my husband, and have built a life with him---how do I punish him for having parents who lied and continued to project a morally decent Christian lifestyle to all those around them, when in fact they had no idea what that was really about?? So, to the ignorant imbecile who suggested that marrying into difficult families is completely our own fault---I suggest you take a lesson in relational empathy, and learn that no all situations are so cut and dry. You tell us to grow some balls? I tell you to grow some brains.
snowangel442 on May 13, 2012:
Help!! Am I being selfish?? my mom in law is moving to a retirement/nursing home & we're clearing out her stuff-She's got a few things (pics & broken & not that nice cup & plate,old wash pitcher & basin etc...) that belonged to her mom & grandmother that she wants to give to my hubby & he plans on putting them in Our living room-I dont want dead ppl pics or broken stuff in my living room(I got a few of my deceased parents stuff-but they r stored away in the basement) She's slowly decorating my house with her stuff (plants etc.,he made me put up a blown up framed pic of the assumed (no one knows who's in the pic) old family homestead (that I don't want.I'm afraid of hurting my hubby's feelings-but it doesn't go with what I want our house to look like.I don't want my (can't stand her) mom in law to decorate my house. What do I do?
terrence on May 12, 2012:
i loved a guy and we've been doing a long distance relationship for a year and i told him lets get engaged this summer. He told me no because of his parents. His parents are recking everything. He wants me to see him for 2 months in the summer and make me wait another year so he can convince his parents that I'm the one. He's been convincing them for a year and he needs another year. I told him if he's a man he'll stand up and tell them i love her and were getting engaged this summer but he wasn't a man enough and he's parents have issues. :( i thought he really loved me. i guess not.
hayley-jade on May 11, 2012:
OMG! It's awesome to see that I'm NOT the only one that has this problem! By my gosh! My in-laws are .... I can't even say it! And worst of all, is that it's not just 1 or 2 people.... It's all of them!!
His mother is worse than the woman from the movie "monster in law" I know this sounds so rude, but I can't even stand looking at het without getting angry or irritated. Ugh...
His step dad.... Wannabe Agent 007... NOT JOKING!! He even took pictures!! OMW!!! He seriously thinks that he can do and say just what he want! And a real sexist! He gets home, gets a beer and sits down not offering to help with anything "cause it's a woman's job" what the hell man??
His sister, she just doesn't stop trying to break us up! She keepsa on calling up his ex girl to interfere for who knows what reason... As time went on, me, my family, OUR friends started thinking that she wanted to be more than just his sister... Not gonna say what she would do... Or did....*
I just don't have the pacients anymore... But I love him so much!
annie on May 10, 2012:
READ THIS:I'm also going through the same problem, only thing is we're not married yet, but going there, my bf and i have known each other for more than a decade and been dating for more than 5 years (that's 15yrs ++). his sister used to love me when i wasn't going out with her brother yet. at first, i thought maybe i was at fault, but apparently, after talking to ALL of her sisters-in-law, 4, we all went through or going through hell with her. she LOVES to gossip, my friends will call me fuming mad cos the rumors she tells people! one even said, she was near to poking her in the eye! seriously, not even kidding, this is a 35 something woman, and no day have i been with her that she didn't say anything negative about HER friend/common friend and even my boss, she has something to say about MY boss!! she even, went to tell the sister of her ex of whom she has a child with that i maltreat her daughter when she's with us! good thing, the dad knew better than to trust her. i've spoke with more than 5 people, and they all thought they were friends with her too, only to find out, all of them were also victims of her malicious rumors. backstabber, yes! the only people she's friends with are those who are not close to the family, that's why they don't know they are being stabbed, i know for sure, cos she used to tell me all these nasty things about her own friends, i just never opened my mouth. i admit, i came to the point that i was consumed by hatred, i have pent up anger for her and have diverted it to my bf! it has strained my relationship with my bf and the rest of the family. He is the love of my life and I want to stick it out to be with him BUT do not lose yourself.
that said, and my reason for posting, is 3 weeks ago, i've come to realize simple solutions/LOGIC yet (stupid me) took me these years to finally come to terms with myself and my anger. from one angry woman to another (hopefully done being mad soon). one step at a time.
1. ONLY put up with all the crap when you truly believe your husband/bf has your back.
2. when you've become self-destructive (which i have been) cos of your deep rancor for her, DO BIKRAM YOGA. It has/and is helping me go through difficult days, it shuts off my brain for 2 hours, to get back the focus on myself and love myself through all this, there were days when I've believed I was the bad person. my yogi will always say "all your problems will be waiting for you outside, this is your time to shut it off"
3. the more you love your husband/bf and the more you two are alright, the more she will hate you, and there's nothing you can do about it, only thing you can control is how you react. it will be a win-win situation. Talk to yourself when it consumes you, repeat a mantra, remind yourself, it's not that easy but it's worth it, to ignore her, that is.
4. DO THIS EVERY TIME YOU ARE MAD: force yourself to smile, scientific research confirms, our brains are still that stupid that it needs to get affirmation from the rest of our muscles how to react. forcing to upturn your frown, will secrete happy cells to your brain, hence making mind win over matter even if your heart is pounding 50 mph!:)
Good luck to all those who wrote here, we are all in love, and by that alone, we must not let them ruin what we cherish the most.
Anonymous on May 06, 2012:
After reading all of these posts I have to admit that while I can't stand my father in law, the relationship we have isn't all that bad compared to others.
The real major problem that we seem to have comes down to religion. My mil is Christian, but everyone else is Jewish. I am trying to raise my children Jewish, but my fil is a self hating Jew, and makes terrible comments about the fact that I don't want my children celebrating Christmas or Easter. They are not our holidays. For the sake of family I will go and visit on these special days for them, because I respect them, but don't try to undermine the teachings I am providing for my family, which my fil does (may I remind you he is the Jewish one).
The way I see it, if I can muster up the strength to visit them on "their" holidays, it would seem that a little reciprocity would be in order, but no. There is always a "problem". 1) no one to watch the dog 2) the car needs work 3) it's such a long drive (1.5 hrs) and your house isn't clean enough for us to stay over. We go to their house way more often than them coming here. I prefer this because I can leave when things get too heated, if they are with us I can't leave to cool off. The only problem is their house is not childproofed and they get mad when my kids act like kids. They are 5 and 3! Not adults!!!! And no, I will not lock them up in a playpen for two reasons. 1) they are too big. 2) I don't believe in it. Kids need to explore their surroundings.
My fil and I have come to a mutual agreement of silence. We leave each other alone. I'm not sure if this is healthy, but it is what I have to do right now. My children love my inlaws, as they should since they are their grandparents, so I do what I can to enforce a positive relationship with them.
guesty on May 04, 2012:
Yeah, I have problems with my mother in law as well, but do you see me complaining? No. Because I deal with it by having the balls to do so. I suggest that you all grow a pair and do the same. Stop beating around the bush, stop complaining and waiting for things to "get better". You all should have known what you were getting yourselves into long before you got married. So stop your bitching, stand up and take action, or lay down and die. But for the love of Jesus, do something soon...
anna on April 11, 2012:
I do believe in solutions. But I understand how complicated these matters can be and that the solutions are tied into so much emotion that it is difficult to go there! I know what I am talking about. Most of the things you have all said I have gone through with my mil,sil for the past 32years. From the minute my husband brought me to meet them they hated me and did nothing to hide it. They didnt even get to know me. They didnt like the fact that my parents were divorced. That I had come from hard working immigrant people. But people who taught us that family love will get you through anything. That we were no better or worst than anyone else. That everyone makes mistakes and takes the wrong road sometimes but that the help and encouragement of people around you will get you through. They didnt and dont believe in this stuff so it is not important to them. They are fierce about education and I do have a BA in Psychology(while working 2 jobs to put myself through school) but this is not good enough for them. According to them because my parents are divorced, I dont come from money, am not blonde and have pure white skin, am not there kind of beauty and I dont let them control or abuse me I am not good enough to be considered a part of their Family. I have tried everything. Ignoring the nasty things they say to me and my family-didnt work it got worse, confronting them by talking about, yelling about it, trying to work it out-it got 100times worse, having my husband and kids go to family functions and I stayed back-nobody asked or cared where I was or why, fighting with my husband constantly for us to try and do something about this-for years he just said that is the way they are he finally told them off for the first time in 32years and nothing changed they act worst than before-they pretend I dont exist-like a ghost nobody speaks to. They only call when they need help. If a tragic thing should happen or there is a problem they call my husband for help and say dont tell your wife. I have 3 beautiful kids who have been treated this way by them for there entire lives. It is affecting them now that they are older and understand. I tried going one last time to a family function it is worst then it has ever been. Salem witch hunt, a loose loose situation. I came home told mu husband that is it-no more-I refuse to be a part of this constant deception and misery. They win I and my kids are not good enough for them! Thank God because I am embarassed to be associated with people who treat others so badly. They are out of our lives and my husband agrees. Now we have my family who loves and treats my kids like gold! We have friends and neighbours who love us and want to spend time with us. The world has 7billion people in it and we know there are wonderful caring people ot there. I feel liberated. I dont need to live in a world of dark shadows, ridicule and hate anymore. They can have there world we are not good enough to be part of it. Yes!
Annelien on April 10, 2012:
Oi family in law is a nightmare.Thank you to all that has posted there problems here.Just reading it makes me smile coz i so feel all of your pain.
Phoebe35 on April 07, 2012:
Wow, I was unaware of how many people out there are in the same boat as I am. The only difference is that the in-laws I dislike are not so much my husband's parents (although I grossly distaste his father), but are my husband's siblings, and in particular, one brother's wife. She has to be the most pretentious, stuck up ignorant, arrogant person I have ever met in my life-when she really has no reason to be. This strained relationship has interfered with family get togethers in that I rather have gastro than be around her and her pretentious offspring and clueless husband. It also has caused problems in my marriage where my husband, who genuinely enjoys his family's company is shocked that I wouldn't want to spend every waking hour in their presence. Although the advice here is warranted-especially the moving away bit...there are still holidays and birthdays when I am forced to visit these people and yet am expected to enjoy myself and project my own children into this dis-functional situation. So my question is....how do I divorce my in-laws and not my spouse?? :(
Rajiv on March 24, 2012:
I know a lot of you have said this, but it does feel nice that so many people also feel the way about their in laws as I do.
I liked the suggestion to move away. I can see how tempting moving away can be, but wouldn't that be like running away from the problem.
Is there any acceptable way to get one's spouse to limit their interaction with their family? I'm guessing the answer will be a big NO, but I guess I'll never stop hoping and praying. I even tried to use a binding spell I found on the internet to keep her family away- wouldn't take a genius to figure that it wouldn't work.
Once, I tried to explain all this to my wife but it only made very feel very hurt and sad. I also tried putting up a facade and pretending all was well. I only got more bitter and more frustrated and ended up escalating my dislike for them.
I have no advice, but I can only suggest that whatever you need to do, pray hard and continuously work towards it- these things do not sort themselves out if left alone.
Single Father on March 03, 2012:
Bad in-laws are very good example of Ghost movie called "Others." They always think "we" are outsiders... It would be really close to HELL living and dealing with all the complications... :-(
Liza on March 01, 2012:
Me and my boyfriend leaving together, my boyfriend is really close to his bro and family, they come over everyweekend. They say they missed us. Cuz they leave with us before, so when they come my bf sister in law will go streght to the kitchen open the fredge ( checking ) and they she will grab foods that she want in the fredge with out asking, they watch TV, seating in the cauch like a guest .. And stay until dinner. And after dinner they are goin home.. like they are in the restaurant... Never offer to wash dishes. Sometimes i ask she what she goin to cook. She said " oh i did not know that i will cook," and retur the question to me what im goin to cook. Their kids 2 kids 5 and 2 is all over the place in our house, kid wach tv upstairs, play make mess... And the mother did'nt even spend time to check if his son make mess. Sometime the kid bring bolw of cereal upstairs... And take note. My bf stepmom told me that when my brother in law' s wife go to thier house she also check the fredge, frezzer, and laundry room...lolzzzz...and they did that behaveior to my bf ex wife, becuz they used to live with them, same problem like what i have right now... And she is the one whos telling me that my bf ex wife is so Jealous to them, cuz if my bf and ex wife go out before they love to go with them, im so pissed already with them.. I start giving them an atittude, that they will know that i dont like what thier doing to us..
Julie on February 24, 2012:
Lastly, a word to anyone who is reading this and has problems with their in laws. If you aren't married already, then you need to seriously consider if you want to spend your lives with these people.
I really underestimated the role that my inlaws were going to play in my life. It really is true that when you get married, you marry your husband's family. In my experience, the inlaws were on good behavior before we got married, but then their true colors started showing once they realized I was stuck with them. They are the bane of my existence now. I can't believe I am stuck with them for life. I wish I had been more discerning about my inlaws when I was dating my husband, but I really overlooked a lot of signals that in hindsight were obvious indicators that there were big problems. I should have listened to my gut instincts that were sending off alarms... I just loved my husband so much I dismissed these signs.
If you are having doubts about your potential inlaws, you need to seriously think about things. I say run away now! You can find another girlfriend or boyfriend... there are many fish in the sea and it's not worth ruining your life by tying yourself to someone with a horrible family. RUN WHILE THERE IS STILL TIME!!! FREE YOURSELF!!!
Julie on February 24, 2012:
Also, my husband and I are talking about having kids, but I am really worried about that because my inlaws are so horrible. I've gotten to the point that I avoid them at all costs, unless it is christmas or somebody's birthday. If I have a baby I know they will want to come by all the time, or make me visit them. I don't want to give them a reason to invade my life more than they already have. Also, the idea of having a baby that has any genetic link to them is scary to me. They are ignorant ogres and if I have a child that looks or acts like them I will cry forever.
Julie on February 24, 2012:
I liked my inlaws until we told them we were engaged. Then they started getting involved in everything and telling us what to do. We don't have much money, so wanted to elope and save cash, but the in laws threw a huge fit and said we needed to have a wedding they could attend. So we agreed to have a wedding nearby their house so they could come.
MIL gave me a list of 40 relatives I had never met and said I HAD to invite them all or people would get their feelings hurt, but she offered no help to pay for the food or table rentals. Then, she didn't like our invitations so she complained and pouted until we threw them all away and wrote them exactly how she wanted them written, and she didn't offer a cent to help pay for them.
We included the in laws in our ceremony, and had them walk down the aisle before us... we just asked if they would wear something that had a little bit of the color we used for our wedding. MIL wore something so gaudy and revealing that people were looking at each other with raised eyebrows when she walked by.
After our wedding we were in debt 10,000 on credit cards because we paid for the whole thing ourselves. We even had to rent BIL's suit and pay for his haircut because he didn't have a job... but he couldn't be bothered to give us a card or a gift or even make a best man speech.
A week after our wedding my husband received two cards from his mom and grandma. Both of them were asking for full repayment of loans they had made to help him with college. They said that since we obviously had money to get married we should be able to pay them back right away. What a lovely wedding gift! We worked hard and paid them both back as soon as we could.
The worst part of all of this is that we live in the same town as my inlaws and they meddle in our lives every day. I can't wait until we can move far away and never see them again. I'm honestly jealous of people who have inlaws that never pay attention to them. That sounds like heaven to me.
Chris on February 19, 2012:
I have been married for a number of years, my wife is very close to her family, I freakin hate every one of them! I have never seen a family with so much idiots in my life, it must be genetic! My wife's brother is an ass, a mamas boy, he is single so he is always with my wife and I when we do on dates, he is a classic example of a third wheel.
First of all he has a house for himself, he is only 27 and he has achieved this. He is always complaining to his mom or my wife about his job, firstly he is earning top dollar, he wears nothing but designer clothes, and he recently bought a 60 inch flatscreen. This is made possible by that job he hates! Anyway he is a real mamas boy, always calling his mom and visiting like every weekend. My wife and I live on her parents property, there is a main house which the parents reside and a small flat where my wife and I live. Now the plan is that my wife and I will move in the main house and her parents move in the smaller house,
all of a sudden my wifes brother is planning to move in with the parents, wtf? He decided to sell his house and all! Now the problem is when we decide to move in the main house he will probably be living there so its gonna be the three of us! This guy is a mamas boy, whenever he visits his mom woks like a maid to cook and clean up after him, She treats him like a baby, its pathetic to see a grown man behave like a child!! I refuse to live with him, really, my wife dont see a problem but I certainly do!
Bill on February 18, 2012:
I like to know if I can be not in my dads famley what can I do to make it work for me.
Anon on February 17, 2012:
Andie, in case you come back here, I hope you might see this post. It sounds very overwheming for you to not have plenty of space and time to do things as you need to do them. It is clear that you have made all the effort to not meet them half way but to do things 'their way' I think your husband needs to see this post and get some perspective on that. Of course you are tired having children is tiring and you need love and support and for others to understand that finding feet as a parent is important and knowing when to leave people alone and when to visit is important. I think you and your husband should agree on some very clear boundaries between the two of you such as suitable dates and times of year for grandparents to visit. And to agree that if it is not convenient then practice saying so firmly and politely until the get the message over time that visits are on your time not theres. For heavens sake God himself would not expect you to be at their timetable - it is your timetable not theirs. Make these changes - yes it will affect your kids they need to know subconsciously they have parents happy with their own family timetable :) Just keep practising doing things your way until you have the balance right for you. Not the other way around.
Umph ughh ehhh on January 22, 2012:
I am in the first few months of marriage to a man who has been married previously. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE My FIL,SIL and FIL's wife. They are genuinely awesome and all around good people as for my Hubby's mother she is a money grubbing insensitive jerk! Her son my BIL is her little clone. They both say awful crap to me and lay on the guilt trip thicker than freshly laid cement. My Husband is currently over seas and I am joining him for the next three years in about a month. I have done my best to play nice but MIL does scheming behind my husband's back...His brother befriends people who are spiteful gossipy folk against my husband and myself. I think that husbands should come with disclaimers caution: always check terms and conditions when purchasing a husband, in-laws are included....My mother in law has said some pretty nasty stuff in front of both my husband and I and cackles away like a lunatic. We are both thankful to have the distance soon. Finally get to start a happy family away from a very unhappy family. I will say that he appreciates and recognizes the Love my family has for him and apologizes for his insanity I had no choice in gaining from his end. People forget their sh*t stinks too...Thank god for re-stationing! amen
MiMi on January 17, 2012:
Oh my God i really thought i was the only one and felt actually bad for not liking my husband's family. They are just so greedy and want to be in our business ALL THE TIME! I am just about to lose it, sadly we live with them and not to mention we pay each and every one of their bills, trying to help them out because in our culture thats what kids do for their parents but I am really just about to snap at the mom!
andie on January 17, 2012:
My issue has been that for the past 2-3 years, since we had our first child, my in-laws have been inconsiderate about my feelings, opinions, and most importantly have shown a blatant lack of regard to my role as a mother. I only get so far as to be treated human or a piece of furniture lying around in the corner of the room somewhere. Yeah, I guess that is OK, but when they demand private time with my children who haven't even entered Kindergarden yet and especially when we come to visit as a family, yes I DO find it quite strange. They are the first grandkids and I understand how great it must be, but they are not entitled to do as they wish and however they please just because they are grandpa and grandma! Especially, when I and my husband have already been so understanding about their needs as grandparents. I never had issues with them coming to the hospital. Never had issues with them buying little gifts (I even hated this idea, but to please the MIL - I allowed her this). I tried to be so understanding. Let them play with the kids every time we visit, and yes, even ALONE.We always give them a list of what toys and things the kids like for Christmas. I can go on and on with proving my point, but I think you get the picture.
When I got the feeling my MIL did not like me, I did research to see what I could do. Against my own wishes, I let her babysit my daughter when we had our 2nd baby. I bought her a necklace in her favorite color as a thank-you and to show her that I appreciate her, and you know what she said? You really really should not have. I guess I can understand it made her feel uncomfortable... But, when they do shit like that to make me feel uncomfortable it does not count, because that is just who and how they are. Know what I mean? Since the kids are there, they completely ignore me when we visit - it does frickin' bug me. Which is why, I really do not want to visit any more. I don't want anything to do with them. They have caused a lot of fights in my marriage. I have stressed way too much over pleasing them and I need to worry about my kids and not them. I never disrespected these people, never - not once. I always went to their parties,dinners, bbqs. I offered my MIL help if needed - like vaccuuming her living room after a party, and I tried to not bug her either. I respected her kitchen was her space. So, for me it was really puzzling to see how the behavior changed once the kids came into the picture. Suddenly, I am not in the picture and not good enough. I am only glad, that my husband got a little taste of this behavior on ther end, too, otherwise, I think it would have been hard to convince him.
I remember we sat down twice to talk to the MIL, she seemed ok but then turned around and told FIL about it. Then had a bitter phone call from the FIL (btw my MIL and FIL are divorced). We told him that we only wanted to discuss our feelings and wishes regarding as to how we would like be treated as a couple and parents, but we also wanted to listen to what they had to say. The response was that...we are too overprotective, we have mental-issues (more in reference to me) thinking they would hurt the children, etc. What am I going to do when I send my child to school for the first time? If I feel that I am not taken seriously, there will be according to my FIL, more situations in life where I will not be taken seriously, so the end-result is to get over it. If not, we are going to isolate ourselves...yep those were his exact words. I was really hurt, because my intention was to really fix this... I have known them for 4 years - I made experiences with them that made it seem like there was an issue they were avoiding, and I did not appreciate this passive aggressive behavior, etc. They basically said that I feel attacked because I miss my family, I am all alone, and poor me, also that because of some sad things in my past I have trust-issues...they even added that there might be a language barrier (they are all German, I am American). So when we said, then why can't you sound nicer so that there won't be a misunderstanding or be more clear -- silence filled the room.
I have just been through too much these past years. I DO miss my family, friends, and my old job - BUT that is not the reason I am upset. I am upset, because they do not respect me as a mother and a DIL. AND Yes, I am afraid that this will impact my kids' lives. I love them more than anything in the world and I do not see myself as overprotective, I just don't like people to assume that everything they do is OK just becauase they feel they are entitled to do so. I don't even allow my own mom to be pushy - and that is my mom! But, I really just try to be as fair as possible. Unfortunately, my in-laws do not want to understand this. It really breaks my heart. I have been quite sick with stress and sadness for almost 6 weeks. My husband loves me, but...for those of you who think it is ok to vent at home, not sure I agree. It will usually lead into a bad fight with hubby. We have decided to work on this as a couple and it is working...it is a very hard battle. What made me change is when my daughter said to me, Mama ist traurig, die weint...
This broke my heart into a million pieces and for this reason, even though I don't like to play the bad guy nor keep them away, I do not feel they deserve to have a chance to step all over me again...
I know my kid loves her Oma, but her Oma and Opi have been jerks. When she is old enough to understand that, then she can make her own decision too. And if they really care, they are going to make the effort to come out and reach for us. It has been a long road and I am tired!
Sarah on November 20, 2011:
MOVE, MOVE, MOVE
or divorce your inlaws not your husband.
After 25 years of marriage I did this.
My husband wasn't about to do it. So I did it and it saved our marriage. Really it did...because the inlaws had no boundries. You can't have it both ways.
Yes your inlaws will probably hate you but I least you have your husband. which is what really matters.
Cindy on October 25, 2011:
My Mother in law is as common as turkey on thanks giving!
She says such rude things and sits on her fat ass all the time and just orders everyone else around. She burps farts and swears out loud and i was NEVER raised to be like that! She's negative about our future as if she cannot wait to see us fail!
What in heavens name would one do about such a nasty woman? What's worse is her daughter is the same. Yet my other half is the most decent, quiet soft hearted person i know......totally confused!!
WENDYC on October 11, 2011:
I have been married for 30 years and love my husband very much. My husband comes from a weathly family. My inlaws bought our first home for us. We raised two daughters together.My inlaws were very nice to me before I married their son. From the day we were married, they started to control me. From raising my kids to cleaning my house. My MIL passed away 6 months ago at the age of 89. My FIL is 95 and STILL going strong. He always threatened me with money, not my husband. My husband keeps telling me to hang in there because he deserves his inheritance. My FIL still drives and shows up at my house everyday and he is so mean to me. Can someone please help me some suggestions. I don't want to cause any problems for my husband because he is very good to me, but I am to the point where it is working on my nerves. I try to think of excuses but I am running out
Susie on August 20, 2011:
My in-laws are all under achievers. My sil is 40 and still lives at home. My bil is 44 and still lives at home, unemployed. My other bil is married, has his own home and 3 kids, but cannot afford to put food on the table for them. He also refuses to work, just wants to thief for a living. My sil keeps getting dumped on a regular basis. She is extremely jealous of me and my daughter. She has verbally abused my kids on a number of occasions. The only comment my husband of 22 yrs has is that he is hurt by their actions to me, but never to them. They try constantly to undermine us as parents to our kids. When my husband and i got married, his family kept his 'balls' for safe-keeping. 22 years later, he still did not collect them bk. My sil was under the impression that what ever scarifice myself and husband did to better our lives, it was instead done for her. She wanted to walk into an inheritance without working for anything. The majority of the problems started happening when my sil could not find a job and we hired her. She was the most incompetent person I ever met, but will not listen when we try to correct her. Of course, i became the punching bag. She thought it was her business and forgot that myself and husband worked and owned that business together. She could not understand why he will not make her a partenr upon joining. have tried doing a number of goods things through out my marriage for them, hoping that one day they will realize that their attitude has to change towards me. Instead, they cannot deny the amount of good i have done for them over the years, but claims all the good i did was because i wanted the attention. That is when you know you have losers for inlaws. Hell the priest they brought to marry us asked me and my family, if we were sure we wanted to join that family on the wedding day. It was their family priest!!!!
Solution: Take bk your life!!! Has to be done immediately. I recently started changing my name bk to my maiden name. That was the time when I was respected and loved the most. I cannot and will not got by their name. It is degrading. It felt as if a 100 lb weight was lifted.
Unfortunately, the kids do become involved. I have tried so hard to avoid them knowing about the situation, but unfortunately when the abuse moved to the kids (it always will), I had to put a stop right then and there. If I chose to put up with the abuse, that was my decision. But NO ONE touches my kids.
Thirdly, for all newly weds, DO NOT EVER PUT YOUR HUSBAND THROUGH GRAD SCHOOL. We both got into professional school soon after marriage, but decided jointly that he will go 1st due to lack of funding. Unfortunately, when it was my turn, he will not do the same for me. LESSON LEARNED: ALWAYS LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF FIRST.
kathy on July 04, 2011:
my MIL is going to drive to drink!! After a couple of years I started to see what kinda of women his mother really was. However, I just ignored it. That is in till I gave birth to her only granddaughter. Since then I stared to stand up for myself and him this of course made things worst. Then came my daughter birthday. She made it about herself and deiced if she wasn't going to get her way, then she was not going to her First birthday. After that he decide not to talk to her for six months. In those months I was blamed for it by his sister and whenever there were get together's I would get the dirty look's from her. She would pull him away to talk to about how he needed to call his mother. She didn't need to do that she could have told him that in front of me I wouldn't have had any issue with it. Then he got a birthday card from his mother, saying if he didn't talk to her she was going to commit suicide, since Both her sons don't talk to her. I then told him he should talk to her, since even if she is lying you have to take things like this seriously. They started talking but since then she has ignored me, yelled at my in the food court at the mall. Anything I do is wrong. If I talk to her "I'm being rude", if I don't say much she thinks I'm being mean or I'm mad at her. also mind you if she doesn't get her way then the sister gets involved. I have fallen in deep depression. It has cause many arguments with my bf, yes bf. Because of her we are no longer getting married. When we did try to plan a wedding she had all these demands. To the point were we both called it off. When we would tell her no she would start to cry and call his sister who would call his dad and his dad would yell at him and not hear our side of the story. I love him however, I can't handle it anymore I get so stress when she is in town I physically get sick. Please if anyone has advice I need it. She know how to play people and the family knows it however I still end or we still end up the bad guys.
Alli on June 28, 2011:
Before my mother inlaw passed away, we had a great relationship. It was my husbands 3 sisters and father, that I've had the problem with. They've tried to come between us for years, keeping trouble stirred up constantly, being overly needy of him, wanting financial support constantly, disrespecting me as his wife. After 10 years, we had our son and I put my foot down. I told my husband that our son would not grow up thinking this twisted way of life was normal. I told them all how I felt and that I was not going to allow their behavior anymore and that if they wanted to be a part of our child's life, they would need to accept me. Well, I learned how much they really care because they don't come around, which is fine with me!! Me and my husband get along now and he is a better husband to me. I really didn't think we were going to make it and now our future looks great! My husband understands what I've had to deal with and he sees that my family is not like that. They have accepted him and respected his position. In-laws can destroy a marriage if you allow it.
M MADHAVI on June 05, 2011:
Try to counsil your mom separately and make her understand that your wife is important for you as your mother its just like a face with two eyes and u feel bad if any of the eye get hurt.
michael on May 16, 2011:
I just got married and it's been only four months. My mother was against our marriage. She finds every fault in my wife and makes it a big issue. My wife is a caring person and tried all her best to impress my mother. My mother can't stand us being together. Whenever we are together she tries to separate us and sends me to do some work so that iam away from my wife. My wife has started to hate her and iam finding it difficult to stay at home. My relatives are fond of my wife and they love her very much..pls advise what should i do ?
miranda on April 27, 2011:
the way i see it, i married my husband and not his family,
this after both sets of parents did not really approve the match, but since our marriage my parents have made an effort to be civil to my hubby and now my mom even cooks his fav dishes when we go over once in a while
but his parents have consistantly ignored me to the extent of not even talking to me during my entire pregnancy, they have practically taken over a house that my hubby bought which was to be our second weekend-home...and his older brother has moved in there with his wife and kids.. and m hubby doesn't say anything, says tht its just an extra house they can use it!! sometimes i wonder if he is ignoring them or if he cant see tht they are making use of him
recently we were blessed with a baby boy, my in laws have all girl grandchildren, and my son is the only baby boy grandchild,
now they want to assert tht its their grandson and sort of want to 'claim' him and even turned up unannounced at my home, just as we came back from the hospital,
my parents were ther for me thruout my pregnancy and were with us at the time and it turned into a big confrontation,
i never expected such insensitive and boy-centric mentality from them, and after tht i had a mini-showdown with my hubby reg his parents...
but i want them out of my family of 3... and i don't want them to come near my sone ever, and i want to make my husnabd understand this without alienating him, oh he really loves me and the baby
KET2010 on April 21, 2011:
My in laws HATE me! I don't even know why it all started. But I know it started when he and I first started dating. Right away we knew we wanted to get married and we were right together, so we moved in together. His mother was furious and tried saying we should move in with her and that we were making a mistake and called up his whole side of the family to complain about me "controlling" him. We were both adults and he had been living with her but hated it because of how gross her house was (she never cleaned, had about 50+ cats that peed on everything, including the stovetop! never had food, brought home random guys from bars, ect). Then we got pregnant. It wasn't planned but we wanted to keep the baby, which caused another uproar in the family.
I ended up getting a major pay cut and my now husband lost his job. He decided the only thing to save us was join the military (actually his mother kept telling him that is what he needed to do). I got blamed for him joining the Marines by his oldest sister. The very first time she met me she got mad that I had our daughter out and she kept telling my now husband to leave me. She kept screaming at him until he took her out of the house. Then when I came home she acted like she was the best person in the world yet kept glaring at me.
His whole family tried to guilt me into going on a trip neither of us wanted to, by saying that he really wanted to go, yet he didn't and had told them repeatedly he wasn't going to go. After he left for boot camp his brother kept telling me that he was going to cheat on me because I would never know and then proceeded to tell me stories about his ex gf! When my husband graduated from boot his family told him it wasn't that hard and his brother had it worse when he went through. Then they turned and yelled at me to stop "hanging" on my husband when he was escourting me around the base! They got mad that he didn't want to go to dinner with them so they screamed at both of us the same night he finished boot camp!!! Then they talked about how horrible I was to not force him to do what they wanted. They told us to leave our kids at the hotel and go to the zoo and that we were terrible for including the kids at the zoo.
When we got home we got married and we told him family we were going to get married and they said ok and acted like they didn't care. Then when we came home from doing th Justice and Peace we got yelled at for "sneaking off" to get married. After he left for SOI his family began trashing me all over Facebook by saying I was controlling him and not allowing him to see his family! They then said they had to find out about us getting married from a long lost cousin after I posted pictures on FB A WEEK AFTER THEY KNEW WE GOT MARRIED (when we got married they even congradulated us!!!)
Every day they would tell me I knew nothing about my husband, that I was horrible because he only wrote me in boot camp (they each wrote him one letter and then said there was no point to writing him so didn't), they said I needed to control him and make him do everything they wanted him to do (including things in his military career that he didn't want to do). Once we were finally stationed together we cut them off until things cooled down because he didn't know how to approach the subject (while he was in schooling he hardly got any down time to try and fix things, and when he tried everyone denied it and blamed me saying I started it). Finally after them continuously emailing me I replied with why we were mad and upset and that when my husband was ready he would call them. I was told how wrong I was to do that because they were worried he died (we were and still are in CA). They said even if we were mad we should call them and talk to them and that we didn't have a right to cut them off.
He finally talked to his mom to write an apology letter and wanted one of his sisters to write one as well, and his mom wrote a letter saying how horrible I was and that she didn't do anything wrong and they welcomed me into the family as best as they knew how and they never blocked me like I did them, but that they were willing to forget all that. They also told me I trapped my husband into marrying me by getting pregnant and when we confronted them about that they said it was hypothetical. Then they told me they wanted me to stop all this because me trying to fix everything meant I didn't really love my husband and that I destroyed his relationship with everyone and destroyed their "tight knit" family. Then his sister mocked me for my husband wanting her to write an apology letter. They even tried saying his Gma (who saved his life when he was 8 years old) was dying and if he wanted to see her before she died he needed to come and see her yet when we talked to her a few days later she was doing very well. They kept telling him she was giving up and that she was about to "kick the bucket" and it was his fault because talking to him would've helped her want to recover. When he confronted his siblings with the info about how his gma was fine and doing good they stuttered and said they were just going by what they were told! How horrible!!!
Finally it came time for my husband to deploy and they decided they could apologize for everything if he would come down before he left. They "apologized" but when it turned out he couldn't come down (they cut their leave in half) they decided to trash talk me once again.
After he deployed they acted like he wasn't upset about leaving our kids and me. They got mad that because he left short notice (they were on call pretty much) and didn't call them that I was to blame. They think I am lying about him not being able to get letters and care packages and phone calls (he has no service there, no internet, and it's a short mission so they didn't get an address).
They have begun their tearing me down once again since he's gone, and when he returns I will tell him that I can't have them in our lives where they might do this to our kids as well. I will not have that around our kids. We have had this convo before and I kept thinking there had to be good in there somewhere and I wanted to try and fix whatever was broken so our kids could know that side, but since it can't be fixed I'm cutting them out. I know my husband will agree because he is sick of how they are treating me.
His other siblings have long term bfs and gfs and none of them have gotten the treatment I am. In fact, his family sends all of them large checks and gift cards just for getting a job or completing school for a semester, and when we got married we didn't even get just a card! (I'm not asking for money because even the few times they sent money we didn't cash their checks). My birthday just passed and they sent me $25. It was a little insulting since his brothers gf (not wife, GF!) got a couple $100 on her bday last year. They also have been going around telling everyone we can't pay our bills and are in need of money, yet we are the only ones out of them that have money saved up and put away for future uses (we're going to put it towards our first house). We are the only ones in his family who don't have our hands out for money at every moment and reufuse to take any money they offer us. His brother (who is 40) just recently had his mom stop paying some of his bills and his oldest sister (who's 35) is still having her mom pay for her phone bill. His mom would pay for all this when my husband was still in HS and tell him that she didn't have enough money to pay the electric and water bills and if he wanted running water he had to pay it...at the age of 15! (That was about 8 years ago). But I have had it with my in laws and every time I'd ask what made them get so mad at me they could never find an answer and say they already told me. They said I was crazy and not living in the same world as them because I calmly told them why I was upset.
Before me my husband's family didn't care about his whereabouts. They only wanted him around when they needed someone to dump their kids on for a weekend to go out or go out of town. He said before
LIZ on April 21, 2011:
For the person that does everything for the son and daughter in law good for you, but in my case my inlaws don't do shit for me or my fiancé! We are very independent, we just moved in together 1 year ago and before that he was living at his parents. They wanted to go on all of our dates with us for 5 years we were dating, If we went to the movies they wanted to go, if we got an ice cream we had to take them one and I had to go to their house to see him becuase if he would stay the night at my apt. all hell would break loose. Thats FREEKEN phyco....both of his sister are almost 30! and still live with his parents and they act like FKN..10year old girls. My fiancé went with me to my nephews kindergarden graduation and his mom and dad blew up his phone and said why did he go with me if that was MY FAMILY! he gave me a ring and when we had a minor agrument his mom found out and said to take the ring back, he NEVER goes with me on vacation cause they have to be there and now that he lives with me his mom text saying that to make sure he is ONLY paying part of the bills basically to now pay shit for me!His sister think they are too good to talk to me and when they do its because they need something. I now that he lives with me they did not like that idea!!! I now avoid them for the last 4 months....I never want to talk to them again, all I did was let then direspect me and not ever say anything for 6 years, we did everything for then and I didn't have a life it was all about them. and now they are out of my like cause ITS ALL ABOUT ME. so for the mother inlaws and sister in laws and father in law (WHICH IS GAY) teach him to be a man and everone back the FUCK OFF.
schaplain on April 18, 2011:
For the 1st 9 years of our marriage (12 years of being together), my inlaws & I got along famously. I was actually closer to them than my own parents. When my brother inlaw got married, they asked my husband & I & our daughter to go on vacation w/them. My sister inlaw treated everyone terrible and when we returned, we kept our distance from her, trying to figure out exactly where to go from there. She realized what was going on & ended up talking a lot of crap to the whole family. My inlaws, along w/the rest of the family, now shun us. Since we were so close before, it really hurts. I wish the truth would come out and my inlaws could see what's really going on, but 5 years later, they still don't. My MIL tries to give my husband & daughter guilt trips, tries manipulating them, and frequently treats me coldly. My husband gets angry whenever I say anything about it, & while he can pick up on any lack of "loving attitude" toward them, he can't see the rotten way they treat me. It's caused many arguments. I try to stay away from them, but they insist (& give guilt trips) when I avoid family get-togethers. I told them I don't want anything from them except acceptance, but they continue to buy gifts (for holidays) & get upset when I don't "gush" over them. I just wish more than anything they'd realize the truth. Unfortunately, the trust & love is gone between us, even though I'm still the same person I was when they 1st met & adored me.
Lindsey on February 11, 2011:
I thought I was the only one in the world that had problems with in-laws. It's good to hear others storys. but my question is.....When do you walk away from your marriage? I am a newlywed and already thinking of this. not good! Ever since we've gotten married his family has been up our asses. both our family's our divorced so let me say 1. The house we bought 6 years ago was my FIL. and he moved 4 hours away. ever since, he's been here just about every weekend ALL weekend. . and when he's here he always has to take my husband to bar, bring drugs back to this house and decides to have party's without consulting me. I'm so tired of him thinking this is still his house. and when i say something i'm a bitch. I've talked to my husband about it and even said this is enough, that he either has to get a hotel room or he needs to start respecting me and understanding that this is no longer his house anymore and what he's doing is not ok with me- didn't work and i'm the bad guy! 2. His mother is here during the week constantly in our business judging every little corner of my house, the fact that I have cats (cause she hates cats), and the fact that i still haven't found a job (I've been laid off for a year) . I feel like i never get anytime with my family and I just found out my dad has cancer, my mom is diabetic and broke her arm and my sister is getting a divorce. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, I'M SO STRESSED. The weekends used to be for me and my husband. NOT ANYMORE! I don't know how long I can go on like this.
Naveen on February 02, 2011:
but here is diferant story guys, my wife treat her In-laws like shit. she don't like their any of activities & behavior, and always try to pass some comments to me about them. where as My parents are not that much im-managale but they listen all that just for my sake and try not to hurt my feeling about her.
she always thinks that her parents are the only best mankind and not mine are the worst.
can anybody guide me ????????
Mr. Beans on January 31, 2011:
To Mr Jimi Shadow: You have hit the nail on the head man!! My MIL is the whole cause of the B.S. our family goes through. The men have had their share of issues, even i with my own bros, but it usually gets resolved fairly quickly. The women in our family are the ones whom carry b.s. around for years and years and never let it go already. My FIL has no gonads and cannot stand up for himself, although he is a good guy overall and gets crapped on by his wife!! Sometimes i wish our family was all men then maybe things would be different!!
Lindsey on January 27, 2011:
I'm having a problem with my boyfriend's family. I had to move across the country to be with him, as he was finishing college. The real fun part is that we had to live with them until he graduated. He graduated last month, and we have begun the apartment search. I wouldn't say I *hate* them, but they are Ukrainian and somehow do not speak much English after having lived in Illinois for 17 years. They choose to isolate themselves from every culture but their own. They only watch Russian television, read Russian newspapers, and only associate with Russian or Ukrainian people. It annoys me to no end, but it is their home and they have every right to do that. I've tried to learn some Russian, but it's a difficult language. They refuse to speak English in front of me probably 95% of the time. And my boyfriend will not translate. He hates his family more than I dislike them, I think. And it's making him miserable that they complain, and that I sometimes complain. They're very strange people - as in...I can only put my food items on one shelf in the fridge and in the pantry. If a food item they don't recognize gets moved by my boyfriend, or he buys something they won't eat - it gets stuck in with my stuff. My kitchen utensils can't touch theirs, etc. It's just very petty. I love to cook and would love to make family dinners, but they won't eat anything I cook - even if it's stuff I've seen them eat before. With the exception of Thanksgiving. They conceded that never-before-celebrated holiday to me. When Christmas rolled around, I expected to get a break and maybe they would make the meal. Nope. My boyfriend and I ended up at the Chinese Buffet because I kept up the fight until the bitter end when grocery stores were finally closed on Christmas Eve. The weird stuff is what is getting to me the most. I can't take this anymore!
nana on January 14, 2011:
I started to hate my in laws! They “his sisters” disrespect my husband and when he's angery with them they treat him like shit! They keep droping disrespectful comments! I don't know what to do!!! I don't wanna make my husband feel that I see how they disrespect him and at the same time I wanna put an end to this bitchiness!!!! Plz tell me what to do
shakira! on January 12, 2011:
we all have the same problems! i can't stand my in-laws too, actually all of us, all her sons and daughter who marry lets say not that rich, she kicked us off...and she accepts mistresses who gave her something most of the time, she love inlaws that she can always take something....gosh! me and my husband stay away from them!..my husband don't want to have a broken family just because of their mothers interfere!
Eledo on January 09, 2011:
This is in response to Mosco. Believe me leave your partner. That is what I'm going to do. I am tired of pretending that i like the in laws and them pretending to like me. Life is too short to pretend and waste time on sites like this(even though these sites are tremendously helpful and necessary!). This situation is way too depressing and difficult i would rather pass gall stones or eat soap then bare another day in their company. We all deserve to be treated fairly and respectfully and deserve to spend every minute of our lives where we want to be. I really think leaving your partner is an easy sacrifice to make. I love my partner but I hate her family but i don't expect her to choose between me and them that's why i'm picking the easy and cowardly option of just absconding.
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annoyed4life on December 29, 2010:
My MIL irritation started when she moved in with us. From there is was downhill, she didn't pay for any bill, which we knew she couldn't afford at the time and wanted her to save her money so she can get her own place when she started working. Always want to eat what I cook but complains about washing the dishes because she felt that she's the mom, she shouldn't have to lift a finger. Then she fills my head up with nonsense that causes me to have a verbal fight with one of my husband's friend. Mind you, I was pregnant, so hormones was a factor as well. About a year later, she moved out, but had I not been pregnant and needed the room, she wouldn't feel the need to move out. Now that she's on her own, she still need things from us, whether it's money or a ride. She has no intention (in my opinion) of prioritizing her life and getting herself together because she knows, at the end of the day, if she ever needs anything, we are right down the street and a phone call away. This drives me insane. I know people may not always have their things together in life, but MY parents would be busting their butts to get what they need before they ask their kids for help. My dad is has been unemployed for a whole year taking care of a wife, son, mother and wife's mother and not ONCE had he asked me for help. Does this make sense to anyone as to why I feel I'm on the same boat as all of you.
Rxxx on December 16, 2010:
Anon, your situation seems to be very similar to mine. Except i have only been married for 2 3 years. I love my husband very much. are only arguments stem from the unhappiness i get from inlaws. There are numerous examples of when they have created tension. They have very proud people, and their prententius ways with me, i just cannot handle it anymore. I have also come to agreement with my partner that i will no longer go to visit them. However, this hasn't menat i do not see them at other family events etc. I really want to cut them off entirely from myself because my self esteem is really low. I cry, i get hurt and fell absolutely helpless. I don't have kids yet but i really want them. Do you have kids? Is it unfair for the grandkids to see less or none of their grandparents. i really don't know what to do.
anon on December 06, 2010:
10+ years of being with my husband 8 of the those years married. the first couple of years were horrible; i hated my inlaws always felt inferior to them and their brand new cars expensive vacations 4 car garage homes and constant remodeling of their houses. everything with all of them was always about money and careers and gossip. when we would get together the conversations were always whose job is better, who is doing better at their job, so and so's brand new car, or so and so's new bathroom/ kitchen... the inlaws celebrated Christmas and Easter b/c NMIL was a sunday "Catholic" who told me that i would burn in He!! because i didn't belong to HER faith. i would get pushed out of "Family" pictures or all together told to get out of the "family" picture because i wasn't "Faamily" my husband and i never fought except for 1 thing, my attendace to mandatory family gatherings were husband would guilt trip me into going, we get there he fakes a "headache" or a "stomach ache" and then I am left being bombarded by the inlaws.
after a few years of this i had had enough i wanted a divorce i hated my life and all my problems and unhappiness seemed to stem from the Inlaws and my husband's inabilty to see who they were and how badly they treated me. we fought a lot and finally agreed to get a divorce a few weeks later we attended a family gathering in which i was treated horribly and snubbed by the inlaws my husband witnessed this and was enraged we left and later on he fought with his mother and father on the situation. we agreed that i would not keep him from visiting his family, if he didn't make me visit them at all. its been almost 5 years since i last saw them... i am invited to family events but i always decline. it seems to be for the best. 2 great things have happened to my life since i cut all ties and communication with the inlaws. 1. I am so much more happy and at ease with my life and my self esteem has been great. and 2. my marriage is stronger and better than ever. with 1 year left on the mortage my husband and i are planning on selling the house and moving almost 1000 miles away (to Atlanta)
It's amazing how a couple of people can almost rip apart and ruin a marriage and 2 lives.
sam on November 12, 2010:
ive been married 4 almost 17 yrs. in laws r messed up! mil is def narcissistic fil has no balls. my solution 2 fix all of the past hell that ive been thru is....2 yrs ago i reachd my breakin point. i took myself out of the senario. i do not go and visit them any more. i do not ask 4 babysitting. we have 4 children...which they have nevr had time 4 anyway. i told my husband just this wk that i will not b visiting them. i will make time 4 them when it works 4 me.i quit askin 4 mil 2 help me with my kids 2 yrs ago also.im a stay at home mom so i probably askd her 4 help 15 times in almost 17 yrs anyway. i do not want her help. i do not want my children around her anyway. we have a 15, 12, 5 &2 1/2 yr old. i cud go on & on bout what ive been thru but nstead of rehashin it i just start each day & just move 4ward....with out them. i used 2 nclude them n lots...it cant b me....i can get along with a mountain lion...4 my sanity...im done! i am now so happy. i say when & how & where & if & no thanks! no longer will i try 2 rationalize w eithr of them. they choose each othr. i did not choose them. i love my husband but 2 keep our marriage i had 2 free myself. i do not feel as though i have 2 xplain anythin 2 them or any 1 else. i freed myself. i hav no parents because my dad is bipolar and has been my whole life and my mom is an enabler.ive been free of my parents 4 5yrs. and ive backd up from inlaws 4 the past 2 yrs.i hav a wondrful support system. a handful of friends that r my family. God has blessd me with a woman who i consider my mom. i will not allow people n that r toxic. life is 2 short.i feel like an elephant has been liftd off me. i am 36 and just starting 2 xperince real life and happiness. i will not give any 1 else control ovr my life or happiness. i may sound harsh but aft all these yrs u learn that these people njoy making me cry. i make no rm 4 people like that. don't get me wrong....when i c them i speak or wave but thats it....i will not go there again.
DIfferent2010 on November 10, 2010:
I HATE my husbands mother. This idiot bought a birthday gift. Silly broad bought a plant. As much as I love plants, its going to die. If she died tomorrow I wouldn't care. I can't stand her!!!!
David D. on October 18, 2010:
Thank you for posting first of all. We are currently on Vacation with MIL & FIL. I struggle. This is the only way of having my kids a chance to visit with their grandparents. It gets frustrating. We shouldn't have to do this in order for them to have a relationship with their grandkids. But, we do. I love my family. I see where a lot of my wife's struggles come from. They get annoying, but I love my wife & my kids. They probably have trouble with me as well. They just wouldn't admit it. I know that. I miss being with my church family and can't wait to get us home and get back on track spiritually. I am on here, because I still struggle. The last thing for me to do is isolate to not tell someone. The frustration will eat you alive. Thanks for posting. I just needed to remind myself that I do have choices, though limited, and that I can at some point start my day over. I don't know if this post helped anyone else, but it has helped me. Take care. D
mermaidatheart on October 13, 2010:
I am sooooooo glad to find this blog. My Husband is very close to his family, too close. It is important to be close to not dangerously close to where they are in your business. My husband one, is too close to his mother, calling her up to 3x's a day, telling her all of our business, stopping by her place every other day. I like his mother but his closeness cuts into OUR relationship! He has a sister, never been married, has a teen daughter, has a jealous, competitive air towards me, slick with money, lies, etc. She tries to manipulate my husband loyalty & time to take away from his energy with me & our girls. She goes behind my back & criticizes me. He calls her every day & this reinforces her attitude , it's like she is some kind of wonderful ;E There is also a lot of bad toxic & criminal behavior and lifestyles with other siblings of his. I don't like my young toddler and infant around them really, but I have to. One brother is funky, lives with their 76 year old mother and is a lazy bum. I am polite as I can be to all of them for our marriage & because I love my husband. I have endured a lot and have HAD to be passive. I have had talks with him, he gets angry & tries to say that I am the problem, & that I am insecure about his his one sister & mother. He agrees about the bad behavior of the other members but is still obligated to them so guess what? We still fool with them!!!
mermaidatheart on October 13, 2010:
I am sooooooo glad to find this blog. My Husband is very close to his family, too close. It is important to be close to not dangerously close to where they are in your business. My husband one, is too close to his mother, calling her up to 3x's a day, telling her all of our business, stopping by her place every other day. I like her but this cuts into OUR relationship! He has a sister, never been married, has a teen daughter, has a jealous, competitive air towards me, slick with money, lies, etc. She tries to manipulate my husband loyalty & time to take away from his energy with me & our girls. She goes behind my back & criticizes me. He calls her every day & this reinforces this & for some strange reason...like she is some kind of wonderful ;E There is also a lot of bad toxic behavior and lifestyles with other siblings of his. I don't like my young toddler and infant around them really, but I have to. One brother is funky, lives with their 76 year old mother and is a lazy bum. I am polite as I can be to all of them for our marriage & because I love my husband. I have endured a lot and have HAD to be passive. I have had talks with him, he gets angry & tries to say that I am the problem, I am insecure about his one sister & mother. He agrees about the bad behavior of the other members but is still obligated to them so guress what? We still fool with them!!!
Sabine on October 13, 2010:
Readings about the marriage triangle:
I have selected few details from the link above that you need to share with your spouse in order to help your partner heal from the guilt feeling for leaving his/her parents physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually:
Most people are content to retrieve only the physical experience: to be one flesh on the physical plane only. But the very absence of satisfaction, resulting in the quest for more lovers and varieties of experience is testimony to the fact that one-flesh means that communion between persons is not only physical but also mental, emotional, and spiritual.
Leaving must be done not only geographically; it must be done psychologically. And that is exactly what many young people in the process of getting married fail to do. Socially, they may enter into a wedding ceremony, but psychologically they are not prepared to make the great leap of faith into commitment to another person. When crises arise, or great decisions must be made, or resourcesmust be provided to meet the needs of an emergency, by instinct they look over their shoulders to
their parents. What they have failed to realize is that leaving should have meant that they cut off the authority and lines of provision in order to begin an entirely new family.
When one member of a new marriage keeps looking back at former parental ties, the entire new relationship becomes uneasy. The husband of a wife who wants to continue cultivating a kind of emotional authority relationship with her parents will feel inadequate as a leader. The wife of a husband who has failed to dissolve his ties with parents feels insecure in her ability to trust her husband.
Just as destructive are parents who will not let their children leave. Unable to relinquish their
influence over their children, they unconsciously weave ties of obligation about the lives of their offspring. “Why not come and live in the basement of our home until your bank account is large enough for you to afford a home of your own?” one parent says. Another insists that the families get together every Friday evening. A third directs a constant stream of gifts and cash into the new marriage. Often there is a series of unmentioned strings tied to these offerings, and they are
usually pulled just as the couple begins to seek independence.
Sabine on October 11, 2010:
Read more about In-Laws:
Sabine on October 11, 2010:
If you are fighting for your marriage and you are aiming to reconstruct and rebuild your relation, read and share this website with your spouse:
Check how to deal with parents, read all the articles: http://www.marriagemissions.com/category/dealing-w...
I am not sure it will work 100% but it's worth trying.
In case it's not working, stop losing your time and start a new life with someone who can make you feel happy and who deserves you.
so hurt on October 10, 2010:
I have read most of your stories,and I feel for you but trust me my inlaws are the worst there have ever been.
My MIL is absolutly horrible,she lies and manipulates everyone and treats only certain grandkids good(the rest she will only say a cool hello to). She has informed everyone that she has left everything in her will to ONE grandchild.And OH the lies, SO much trouble she makes for everyone,including her own siblings and her own children,if they don't do as SHE says(It's truly unimaginable for most normal people).But she does this phoney OH HI and lures people back in,OH and of course her favorite saying,oh I didn't say that.
To call her a monster is an understatement.
FIL tells me I have a fat ass(which I don't)and other nasty things.
One BIL is the most two faced person you have ever seen,I have watched him drag things out of people (pretending to be on their side)only to horribly put them down when they leave.
Truly the coldest most hate filled people on the planet.
From all of her dirty looks and by the way I'd love to tell her,I can hear her talking about me when I'm in the other room.(and I'm pretty sure my other SIL can too)
And I don't care to hear you talk about my other SIL because I know it's ALL just more of your LIES!
One SIL is her horrible two faced little clone,loves to bash(wife of Mr two faced).
And I NEVER got to spend ANY holidays or ANY free time with MY family,and was told off for even saying I'd like to see them or have coffee with them.
I love my husband but if we did't have children,I would have RAN away long ago.
Our children HATE going there and they have a strong dislike for ALL of them and that makes me so sad for them,because they truly are GREAT kids.
NOTHING any of them could ever say or do could EVER take away all of the years of hurt and pain they have inflicted on me and my children.
I can't count how many times I have gone into a terrible depression over these people and how many times I have cried myself to sleep over their horrible cruelties.
The worst thing is,that they have deminished MY self esteem,even though they are EVERY persons WORST nightmare.I am the one who still has to deal with all of the pain.(I can honestly say I have never been disrespectful or mean back to these evil people)How I would love to tell them to NEVER call here or anything EVER again.
If I NEVER saw them ever again,I would lead a happy life.
Swati on October 09, 2010:
well i feel that no person is bad in reality and no one wants to hurt any one. A person becomes what he experience in life.Seriously oberving the above situations i feel people expect a lot from other then themselves(A husband gets pissed off between wife and mother)mother in laws feels my daughter in law should behave the way she wants which a wife cannot accept i feel even an animal cannot enjoy kept in cage so we are human being, trully relation ship grow with space a daughter in law is not a kid who doesnot unserstand her reponsibility she will love you more regard less of what you are but let her learn in life forget about her any person wants to do certain thing in life in which he plans ,fails ,win and learn from his expereince instead of forcing and criticising help her without expectation... people who help other without expectation always have good life i am wife tommorrow may be i will be a mother in law
i will definetly never want to ruin my childrens life
let them live the life they want and let we live the life we want if my daughter in law doenot like to get close to me or any person who doenot like me it is purely my problem and their point of view (it doenot mean you should stop your duty)husbands--definately your parents are more of your responsibility then your wifes ,to make them happy you should not wait for your wive and never force her to love them it will come gradually with time if seriouslly we need strong relation ship with them remember if you have every thing in life mind every thing and you donot have freedom to enjoy it what is the use of it (at last person needs space in short be a friend and not a crtic if you are concerened about any one......lets
Sabine on October 08, 2010:
A husband who gets manipulated by his parents is a wimp, and in my opinion is a hopeless case and not able to protect his wife and family, and his wife will forever live a miserable humiliating life. Avoid this kind of men and don't trust you can change them. Life is short and you deserve to live in happiness and dignity. We all make bad choices, learn from your faults and move one!leave the wimp, don't be afraid to start a new happy peaceful life. For all the desperate women: You still have the rest of your life, do something with it!
FlJossie on October 04, 2010:
I have been a DIL for 24 years and I don't like my inlaws. Now I am starting to have DILs and I have a bit of a new perspective. For many years I thought I could change what I don't like about my inlaws. They discuss racist thoughts in front of kids and badmouth their own son. They bad mouth their in law children and openly treat some in laws different than others. For example, three inaw children receive $100 and I receive $25. It's embarrassing to open and have everybody see.
But now my DIL wants me to be different than who I am. I'm far from perfect, but closer to what normal families look like than not. (whatever normal is). My DIL wants me to clean more and even helps me do it. But I can't quite measure up or say the right things. I think when I was younger I did the same stuff. I looked at my MILs problem behavior but didn't see my own. Had my inlaws done some of what my own family did, I probably would have still criticized my inlaws because they weren't MY family. Kind of like, I can say stuff about my family but nobody else should. :). Now I know my inlaws like me. I still don't like them. I have learned to just be polite. Our relationship isn't genuine but I do care about them because they are the parents of the man I love, both for good and for bad. And there is some good. Probably a lot more than I even notice.
Meanwhile my DIL says I am fake with her. She would rather I be honest. Sometimes I just want to point out to her how many people she goes around bad mouthing and hurting. But how would that honesty help? People call her names to her face and she has no idea why. I have an idea why, but how would it help if I told her? Initially I loved her because my son loves her and I decided love is an action word and I could decide to just love her. After time I genuinely enjoyed her company. I appreciated her efforts to keep in touch with me. I loved her nurturing and silliness while not liking her way of judging right and wrong for other people. I tried to keep my negative thoughts to myself, but haven't always done so. Once when she called my son a curse word, I asked her not to do that in front of me. Probably not a good idea. I don't know how to distinguish when I should be genuine, even if negative, vs being fake so as not to rock the boat.
She won't talk to me now and that is ok with me if that is what makes her comfortable. My relationship with my son is suffering but that isn't her fault. I think it is an extremely complex relationship between inlaws.
Solution: I guess it is as unique as the individuals in the relationships. I try not to take away from my husbands good feelings about his family, however imperfect they are. And I hope one day that my DIL will accept me with my flaws. In the meanwhile I will do my best to improve.
Kittkatt34 on October 04, 2010:
Also, i would like to add that when the MIL was babysitting our daughter, she would never say go to momma or theirs momma, would never mention momma to her. If it was me and my husband that would go and pick her up, she would never hand her to me. Their was a time i walked over about to pick her up, and she grabbed her up quick before i could get to her, she then held her for a few minutes, then handed her to my husband. That happened a few times, which caused some hard feelings. Often wondering if it's something i've said or done to make them feel the way they do, IDK. After reading comments on here, i really don't know what to think, that maybe it's best i go left unoticed and unknown. I don't even have any of their numbers in my phone, neither do they care to have mine. Atleast i don't worry with drama. That to me is a given that i will def. take.
Kittkatt34 on October 04, 2010:
Well i wouldn't say that my IL are mean to me. They don't get into me and my husbands business or start arguments, things of that nature. They just simply treat me like an Outlaw. Like for ex. when me and my husband just had bought a house, his dad went on and on about how my husband loved me so much, that not only did he get with me and do that for me, but also took my other 2 kids in and did for them, that not too many men would do that......say whaaa? Then his mom had to bring up what a good man he was, and that was fine, but it was the way she went about it. Her body language said it all when she turned around real quick and then said it out loud, then mumored something under her breath. That was then that i felt like as if i didn't deserve him. I felt that we both worked on getting our house together, not just him, although i know he is the bread winner, but still. We can't even peck around his mom without her saying "quit that" likes she's too jealous, then sometimes she'll grab his arm and just walk off with him like she has something important to say. As far as putting up with them, thank god i don't!!! We have been in our new house going on 4 months, and not 1 time have they visited since we have moved in. If they want to see their son, they invite him over, but not me. They did help us move, and i had a brand new gold rope chain with a MoM pendant that my kids got me for mothers day that came up missing, my MIL was the last one looking at it, when i went back to get it the next day, it was gone, i asked her where it was, but she said she gave it to me, all i could do is argue back in a nice way, no you didn't. My husband cannot accept the fact that she stole it. I have looked, and it's nowhere to be found, well ever since then, i have been ignored. That shows her guilt right off the bat! I don't axpect for my husabnd to get into the middle, but if my mom stole something from him, i would atleast ask her. Some of my husbands family are all friends with his ex wife on facebook, but haven't even sent me an invite.....except for his 1 sister and aunt. His ex wife even sent him a friend invite 3 times, he never accepted it cause he can't stand her, but then i find messages on his yahoo mail where they had talked, then he tried to lie about it. The last and only time his sister and BIL came over to watch a football game, he acted like a complete jerk to me because he was so intense about how the nite would end up because of crued his actions, it did. When he started putting me down in front of his family, i popped his arm, and he grabbed me around my kneck and started choking me, they didn't even try to help, they left. I bet if i had him on the ground choking him, they wouldn't have left. Then had the nerve to lie to my oldest 15 yr daughter that the rerason was cause i punched him in the face. UNBELIEVABLE!! Today told it all when my husband went to pick up our daughter, he didn't come back with her, he then left to go back cause his family invited him back over. About an hr later, my other daughter was bummed out cause she wanted to spend some time with our daughter before she had to be home. So i attempted 3 times to call my husband to tell him that i wanted to come over and get anna, well he said quickly, i'll bring her, i said no i can come get her, then he said no, i can bring her.I got mad and said, if i can't come over to get my shild, then my child won't come back over, don't worry i'm not getting out of the car, don't won't to. He hung up, and forwarded my calls acting like a jerk. As long as he's around his family, that feeling they have about me obviously wears off on him. Like he's got to please them when he's around them. I could care less if i ever see them again to be quite honest, and the next time his dad says. I love ya girl, your one of us, i'm gona cough, and say bullshhhh. Even his mom had the nerve to say right after we met that i wan't in her circle.....ughhhh well i really don't want to be. It doesn't bother me to not be included, but when i'm not their around, who knows what is being said, and i don't like silence.....at all!!! I told my husand the next time she does come to my house, i'm gona follow her every move. Treat her like the thief she is. Maybe that's why she hasn't came back. Their weirdos like that anyway. Their even like that with some of their own family. I just tell my husband sometimes, go suck a tit tity baby. INLAWS......UGHHHH!!!!!!
CRAZY!!!! on September 14, 2010:
I must say that is not my FIL or MIL the two that I have (husbands parents divorced) but my brother in law and sister in law. My husbands brother is a self asorbed self centered arrognant ass and every one in this family kisses his ass (but me), to make matters worse his wife, has to be the bigges ball of drama ever!!!! She makes up lies about people and then throws them in your face. She even then has the balls LOL to come to your house and tell you that she knows what you said about her. We live 5 minutes from them and my husband who I love dearly just cannot seem to tell them to back off!!!! I hate living where we do, I hate the saying when you marry your husband you marry their family. Not what I signed up for. I would love for everyone to just leave us alone and let us be. Me my husband and our 3 kids.
EMG on September 05, 2010:
Well well LOL I am going to join the conversation.
I am profound deaf and my husband is hard of hearing. He was forbidden to learn sign language til he met a friend and started to get involved in the deaf culture. I met him when he was 18 and I was 16 years old. I drove 60 miles one way and 60 miles back every weekend to see him.
He did not even have a drivers license because his mother forbid him to so when he was 21 years old I took him to the testing place secretly and he passed. His mom was TICKED off. Age 22. She tried to ground him because he did not do dishes and I took him to the mall and we had a good time. She told him when he got home "HOW DARE YOU DISOBEY ME!" I stood up and told her "Back off! He is an adult, Who in their right mind grounds a 22 years old adult!. STUPID!"
Of course she hates me :) His three sisters dislikes me as well.
I graduated with BFA degree, got married had a kid after marriage. We've been married soon to be three years and been together for 14 years so I know his family quite well enough to know that they are manipulating and pathological liars. Here I am sitting here with my husband beside me.. we are sharing a facebook account together and my MIL / 2 SIL are on our case for sharing an account. Complained that they can't get a hold of him and I laughed saying that's totally full of BS because they can call him and they never did. WHY NOW?? hahaha
My FIL is totally on our side, He tells me that he has more respect toward me than his own daughters. They have kids - not married, deeply in debt. they borrowed so many money from the parents and my husband never did. we owe them no money to this day because we never ask for anything. ANYWAYS. My FIL told me that he is ashamed and embarassed by their behaviors and recommended me to ignore them and kick them out of my life. He spoke with my husband over the phone separately to make sure he understood how it can affect us in the future.
SOLUTION::::::: LEAVE THEM! That's the only thing BECAUSE when you are affected by their wrath and crap, it can affect your children. The cycle will end up going on and on. YOU are the only one who can break the cycle and protect yourself AND your children. Who cares if they are the grandma or grandpa to your child, they should have the common sense NOT to act like spoil brats and go around doing things like that. This also applies to you and your friends, you and your own blood family, etc. I have already decided as of this recent Aug 7th that I am no longer going to be a part of my family because of few cousins who are the biggest cry babies I have ever seen. They treated my mom like this when she was a teenager and now it's being done upon me and I did not do anything so I realized that the cycle must be broken. MUST...
I have so many stories to EVERYTHING and honestly I feel alone and stressed but I'm seeing a light. I feel so much better. Thankfully my husband saw what they are doing and he is not going to tolerate their crap anymore They are upset at him for being who he is. He said to them "I have grown up and I am going to stand up for myself. Too bad"
Our little baby 's birthday is coming up and we are not inviting the MIL or SILs we are inviting only the ones who cares and does not give us crap. My FIL said "It is your baby's birthday, he won't remember them at that age but he will remember you crying and being upset so protect him as much as you can" I agree with him.
You guys are not alone. :) I tried to talk to them, wrote emails in case they did not listen, talked on the phone with interpreter (relay) Nothing works. This is the only best way.
My cousin in Colorado told me this which is really good statement:
"Everyone is crazy in their own unique way, you might be crazy for hanging out with someone who treats you bad but you can become crazier and it becomes a real disease that can kill you if you continue to hang out or have to hang out with the people that treats you bad. To keep yourself sane, stay away from them like I do with people that bugs me, I avoid them."
She knows what she is talking about because her own father became insane (it does not run in the family) all due to his own family won't talk to him, won't involve him, and so on. He just lost it.
Best advice: RUN !!! Don't look back. protect yourself and your child! Whoever pays the bills for you (your boss, yourself) only matter. Those people do not run your life but YOU.
Take care :)
Siobhan on August 12, 2010:
Okay so I kind have a somewhat interesting problem. My in-laws (mother and father in law) are not so bad. My husband's father will put his two-cents in where it doesn't belong and his mother can be alittle oblivious sometimes but all in all they are ok. But, when we go over to their house 2.5 hrs away from ours my husband turns into a door mat. Doing everything around the house and if he is not doing eveything we are just sitting around. Well, that is until is IDIOT brother comes over with his wife(I don't like her) and there infant twin children (who I never get to play with because my sister in law is huvering over or my in-laws are hogging the grand babies). I would mind all this is my brother-in-law and his wife didn't live like fifteen minutes away from the father and mother in law. That situation is not what pisses my off. What gets me the most is that IDIOT bigot brother and his wife that get me! It is almost as if everytime my husband and I head up to see his parents IDIOT needs to come. And, it is almost as if nothing happens if IDIOT isn't there. I almost like the library like atmosphere without the idiot but ohhhh not my MIL has to call BIL and his wife with their kids and suddenly it turns into BIL and his wife and kids show. We have only had one weekend free of the BIL and his wife and kids and it was the best me an my husband have had (I say me and my husband because my husband knows his brother is a friggin' IDIOT!)Also, I have bad asthma and of course these people smoke and of course my husband insists on staying with his parents. Recently though I have told him I can't go and stay with the ILS because of the smoke (oh and by the way my MIL finally figured out that smoking out the window of the house was not going to work in a smoke infested house...see oblivious). So, he said we can start staying in a hotels. Well that didn't last long cuz now he wants to go there and stay with them cuz we don't have the money to stay in a hotel. Well, now I think I am more mad then ever. I just wish my husband would stop acting oblivious think responsibly about saving money ahead of time and let us stay in a hotel. But no, he is made now cuz he thinks I want to prevent his from seeing his family. I just don't want to be smoke riden for an entire weekend. I guess I can get over the BIL and his wife but not the smoke. I just wish my husband could see that 65 dollars every few months for a hotel is all I ask for in this situation
Rosanna on August 07, 2010:
I gave up a lot to marry my husband. I moved 3000 miles away from all of my family and everything that I have ever known in my life of 22 years. I moved to his home state so that he could pursue his career as a nurse. I figured I was strong enough, but boy was I wrong. I first met his family a few months before we were engaged and those first impressions in those two weeks weren't pretty. I met his dad who I like, he's the cook, he cleans, does the laundry, goes to work. His mom isn't my cup of tea, she is in school or doing work, either or, but has some kind of health issues and has depression. So she spends her time in her night gown hiding in her room all day and staying up all night. They have a 30 year old daughter living with them (fail) who is greedy, has money issues, and can't grow up (loves build-a-bear). Then they had a "woops" child that is 10 years younger than my husband and that poor kid is pacified by video games and a computer. Doesn't even have a pet for crying out loud. He spends his time hiding from the world and I've asked why he doesn't have friends, i mean i saw that there were kids about his age playing bball down the street and no one has an answer. I don't know anyone out here so my choices are either be with his family or be alone because yeah he will go over there without me. I don't feel good at the parent's house, I don't feel love there. The house is cold, dark (windows are always covered) dark blue paint on the walls, and the house is a cluttered, dirty mess. There have been times when I've stepped inside for a few minutes and I had to leave. I would go on walks in the neighborhood and one time I even started walking home. They love to yell especially at the young boy whose bored out of his mind and needs attention. They are being better at controlling that because they got wind that, that's one major reason I don't go over. The ironic thing is when first meeting everyone I wasn't clicking with anyone and I was trying believe me, I was living in their house sharing a bed with the 30 yr old daughter for two weeks. Then I met the brother and his family who didn't get along with the family and weren't on speaking terms for a couple years. I was really preparing for the same response that I had with the rest, however meeting them and having dinner at their house for one night was the highlight of meeting the in-laws. So what does that mean? I get along with the brother and his family who don't get along with the rest of the family... Not a great beginning. It's been a year since I've moved to this place and I can't wait to leave. I can't even handle the state with all its characteristics and I am surrounded by his family. His parents are 15 mins away his sister and her family are in our same apartment community! and the brother I like lived 30 mins away. This all makes me feel terrible which is the worst thing because I just don't get along with them, I do not enjoy being in their company. They are who they are and I am who I am. That's nature. I didn't ask to dislike my in-laws, I was looking for a bond and that's just not there. I think there needs to be a support group of some kind where people can weigh in and seek counseling in this matter I know I could benefit from it. because there is no "one size fits all" answer. Each individual has a specific scenario. If anyone knows something like that let me know.
jennifer miller from Nashville on August 05, 2010:
God knew why he said a man should leave his father and mothers house and cleave to his wife. Your priorities change when you get married, if either side is disrespectful to your spouse, you walk away with your wife or husband. you can love your family and not associate with them if they are disrespectful to your husband or wife. Go where you are celebrated and not tolerated.
Jimi Shadow on August 01, 2010:
I know this will come across as a very generalized statement, but from my many observations and personal experience the crux of most family and in-law problems tend to stem from the females, some of whom it would seem can't thrive unless they are being bitchy, personal, two-faced, comparing themselves with others and expect everything to go their way, and tend to cause a massive stink if she can't. Granted, men are no angels, but any fighting and falling out in the family is usually resolved in no time, whereas a woman will hold a grudge for an eternity, pout, play on their deep, petty insecurities and expect men to back them up, even when they are totally in the wrong.In a world of equality, where it would seem belittling to refer to a woman as the "weaker sex", women in the above category don't do themselves any favours whatsoever.
carrie on July 12, 2010:
I don't like my in laws. My mother in law is about the only one I can stand. I think this article is not helpful. Why would I go do yard work/chores for people I don't really like?? That doesn't make any sense to me. I have tried to get along with them. I went out of my way to attend every family function they had. They live 5 minutes away so I felt obligated to attend. I finally got tired of it and stopped going all the time. Of course I got called disrespectful because I didn't show up. It makes me mad. This is not how we do things in my family. I am an adult not a 15 year old you can boss around. Also I am not their child. I am just not interested anymore in trying to get along with people who have no respect for me.
Gina on July 12, 2010:
I know how you feel, my inlaws drive me crazy, they only come to visit when they need something or when they are on there way somewhere else. I've been with my partner for 6 years now and i still don't feel like i know them. Each time they visit is like the first time, they only want to know about money, computers, phones and thats it. Any time i mention anything meaningfull, anything to do with feeling or emotion, problems ect they talk is cut dead in favour for talking about computers, phones or something with totally meaningless. They often say cutting comments, look me up and down, say heartless things about my pets and snub gifts i buy them. My partner acts like a 13 year old when there around, never sticking up for me, and cant seem to see it. Im really close to my family and this to me is totally alien. I think there like this because i've openly said that i don't want children which is silly because neither does my partner. It is really stressing me out so much that when i see them i always end up ill.
lorena on July 06, 2010:
My borblem is i dnt speak the same laguage.I live with them most of times i feel bad and uncomftable i dunno why.he sometimes wake me up to cook for him becouse his granmother is there .she only liked one daugther in-law her sons wifes dnt get long with her and 2 of them got divorce one of them got fight with her she also use to stay with them :( .i dnt knw. i love my husband but he is too close to his family im afriad he dsnt even see ther mistakes once i told him how i feel he cldnt believe it he told me i maybe im sick he shall bring to hospital it was hearbroken i maybe have (scitsphreni) he said its only they see me as an daugther i thing his granny is manipulive women controlling like if he is there she will talk to him we are sleeping she will call hi, to fix things his brother she never ask him to do..when im in the house (grandmother )fallow me to see what im doing in the kitchen if i eat i feel uncomftable a lot. i sometimes feel like leaving .i feel like they dissrespect me like im slave of their son..she talk and aks a lot of questions .if i make my countries food and he likes it she will ask him why he likes and why he dsnt like their own food. when i first got there she told him to not buy for me bus ticket its expensive.she sometimes ignore me im talking like showing her somthink and she ignores me.:( i dnt knw what to do but i deffinetly dnt wnt her to be in my life .i will do everything it takes to get red of her..but she is not only broblem like his brother ask him to drive and after while he goes like i will take a bus becouse im coming with him 2.i dnt knw i maybe im missunderstand but after thinking a lot i supose to take care of myslf and should not put myslf into posisions where i feel uncomftable.he likes rather watch tv or sufr on net and hang with his friends or sleep than chill with me. anywaz i will see how thinks turn into.
Jimi Shadow on June 30, 2010:
My wife is the baby of a family of six and since meeting her nearly thirty two years ago, when she was eighteen and I was twenty, I've been made to feel I'll never be seen as good enough by her over-protective parents and family. I consider myself a friendly, easy-going respectable sort of bloke who tries to get along with most people I meet, though I accept some you win some you lose. My only sin is having a catalogue of health problems that have prevented me holding a job down for the best part of our marriage. Because of this our roles have been reversed - my wife went out to work and I stayed at home to rear the children and do the housework. But in my in-law's eyes I am seen as a total failure and their contempt for me is evident on their smug faces whenever we have a family get-together. They claim to be Catholics but have never shown me any compassion nor friendliness over the years. Other members of the family don't work through no other fault of admittedly being lazy, but because they are blood they're excused and treated with equal respect. Blood thicker than water etc.
Over the years my wife's family, which is quite large, has had it's fair share of problems, faults and failings, including some attributed to my wife, and some to despicable to mention, yet they continue to brush all this under the carpet while their attitude towards me remains the same and grows evermore contemptible. Despite how they are with me I have done my utmost to be polite, friendly and respectable to them. I recently had a little too much to drink at one of these family seminars. Someone in my wife's family had a go at me over something and nothing, and for the first time ever I blew both barrels and gave them a piece of my mind, they all turned in my direction and I gave them the same then head held high walked out of the venue with my wife and now grown-up children in tow and in full support. Enough is enough, and I have vowed never to go near them again.
fed up! on June 28, 2010:
I agree with everyone on here! I don't really care for my in laws either. The family is one giant nest of drama! Everytime I turn around there is something going on. So and so is mad at so and so. My MIL is gossip central. She puts me under the microscope and holds me to a level of standards that is nothing short of perfection. Highly unattainable, to say the least! Meanwhile, she makes excuses for her children (my husband & SIL), and her husband. My FIL is an alcoholic who ran around on her, my SIL blames everyone else for the shortcomings in her life. Nothing is ever her fault-ever. She has BPD (in my opinion). She also has an addiction to painkillers. She had more sexual partners than I have fingers and toes combined. She is in some form of crisis. My MIL is nosy, meddling, back-biting, gossiping, fake, tries to takeover EVERYTHING! It has to be done her way. My husband was a Mama's boy when we first met...then that changed after his problem to painkillers, due to the fact that he stopped talking to her on a daily basis in order to hide his addiction. He got a eyeopener to how his mother really behaved. He heard the nasty things she would say about him and then she would smile all in his face like the two faced person she is. My FIL thinks (at 53) that he is God's gift to women even though he is a pot bellied, bald, wanna be Bike rider. He takes Harley Davidson to a whole other level. They are obsessed with my oldest son and neglect my youngest son. My SIL has a boy but she is to doped up on a daily basis to realize her son is left out. I've had so many aruments with my MIL over the fact that she can't mind her own business! Her and my FIL used to call themselves Mommy and Daddy to my oldest son. And when I called them out on it they said it just took them back to when they had my husband! My MIL used to open our mail and tell us about it! They would buy clothes and toys that had to stay at their house, my MIL set up a nursery for my oldest complete with extra bed, crib, blankets that she took from my house without permission (when I wasn't there), bottles, diaper rash cream, wipes, formula, baby food and the list could go on and on and on. She would talk about me to her co-workers, friends, family etc. My SIL is just as vicious! My FIL will drunkenly spout off crappy comments! I have OFTEN thought of leaving my husband just to be rid of them! My MIL calls me at work or on my cell...I don't answer or make excuses to get off the phone. Her and my FIL show blatant favoritism to my oldest. They invite my oldest over to stay (he's 8) but my youngest (age 3) can't go because they aren't as young as they used to be according to them and can't keep up with him. I recently got into a huge argument with them about and laid down the law! If they couldn't take both then they were taking NONE! To top matters off even more...they ALL (MIL, FIL, SIL, husband's Aunt & Uncle) all live within shouting distance of us! TALK ABOUT ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY!!! I married into this family 9yrs ago and it has been challenging to say the least. Oh and they profess to be devout Christians at that!!
sick of it on June 18, 2010:
This is going to long but here it goes
My story begins in 2002. I started dating my now husband. They hated me from the start and my husband is a big mommas boy so that doesn't help. I did get pregnant out of wedlock. There solution get me out of the picture as quickly as possible. Actually telling my child's father now husband to not mention us (me or the baby) to anyone to be a secret that hopefully would just fade away well that didn't work we did get back to together that was almost 8 years ago.Thing have changed for me and him but things have not changed to much on the family end they still hate me. They tolerate me for his sake but I know deep down they hate me. There is always the backhanded remarks cold shoulders and silence when I am around the only time that changes is when DH is in the room so that his mommy doesn't make her self look bad even though back at THanksgiving my FIL pulled dh aside to tell him that I wasn't up to par as a wife and or mother. I just don't know how to handle it anymore. My husband and I have entered counseling. I won't give up on my marriage I won't let them win.
Hummelsexual on June 13, 2010:
Who says that the spouse has to visit his/her in-laws every time? After all, they're your spouse's parents, not yours. And if the relationship is tense on both sides, then everyone might be happier with this arrangement. I don't usually visit my future in-laws when my SO does. They are polite enough to say they missed seeing me, but I know that, truth be told, they were happier to have their son all to themselves. In the words of Khalil Gibran, let there be spaces in our togetherness.
Unfortunately, like you, the in-law problem makes me question my relationship with my SO. He's eager to get married within the year, but I am afraid to take that step. I know that once I commit, I am stuck with them.
ticked off on May 26, 2010:
My mother in law is a nervous wreck and as well is a retarded, stupid, controlling, piece of crap for a human. My father in law is her little parrot on a string. He has no backbone and does whatever his wife says. It is really disgusting. My wife and i have been married for 15 years and have gotten to the point where we do not want anything to do with her anymore. She is also embarassing and a 2 faced liar, always putting on a fake demeanour around non family only to go back to her hag self when only we are around.
Sandy on May 24, 2010:
I would divorce any man that allowed me to be abused by his parents. I went through it one time but never again, there are horrible people out there that takes pleasure in making your life miserable. Life is way to short, usually these people live to a ripe old age so don't wait on them to pass on it won't happen anyway soon. They have had a happy life causing you unhappiness. They are usually lazy, good for nothing people that have other people bluffed, relatives will interrupt their laziness totally different and feel sorry for them for being poor.
Mrs RK on May 10, 2010:
I have a MIL from hell, who has progressively turned into the family in law from hell. I'm at the point where I'm ready to walk away after less than 6mths of marriage. I disagree with MILWHOSTDUP comment that DIL are also the problem, but I do agree with her comment that husband would not be manipulated if he didn't want to. I'm at that point with my husband, for years I tried to express how I felt his parents treated me, giving him an opportunity to intervene without there being a big blow up between them and me, but he didn't he just sat back and let it escalate to the point where I had a major blow, told my MIL to her face she was a "f'ing bitch" and she scmaked my face. All of that could have been avoided if my husband had the courage to actually say what he thought, even if it was disagreeing with me. I think the root cause of bad MIL's is mosre often to do with husbands who don't have the balls to sort the situation out before it get's too out of control.
Allison on April 20, 2010:
Do you have any solutions to these problems? I'm sure we would all appreciate it!
Observer on April 20, 2010:
I read above and seems everyone has problems with in laws. No one seem to have solution to the problems.
Nancy on April 19, 2010:
My in-laws have always felt that my husband should visit at least 3-4 times a week. This went on for years, and all the while I was treated as a stranger, the outsider who produced the grand children. After my FIL died, my MIL asked if she could live with us, and she did, but she felt we didn't pay enough attention to her and she got sick, so she called her daughters and they moved her out. At that point things became bad and there was a lot of finger pointing and name calling. We had borrowed money from our MIL at a high intrest rate but were accused of taking the money. We paid the loan on time with $7000 intrest and decided to wash our hands of the whole family. Now my MIL calls ands asks my husband and kids to visit, but has out right told us she hates me. I'm am now the scapegoat for all the trouble that has happened, I think due to the fact that I speak up and say what is happening instead of trying to pretend. She has hurt my husband and I told her so, but she wants him to 'forget about it'. We were surprised to learn that my SIL had 'heard' something said of her by my husband 4 YEARS AGO and she still held a grudge. I don't think these people ever let go of their ill feelings and thoughts. They drag issues up that are 20 years ago and still get angry. It is time we let them go and lived a much happier life without them. Their kind of hate and bad feelings can cause cancer in people. I hope they all live long and hateful lives far far away from us.
Allison on April 17, 2010:
HELP! My MIL and FIL are sooooooo annoying. The problem is that they're waaaay too overbearing. They treat me like a child: calling me "baby" and "kid" and "baby girl"!!!! Ugh it's annoying! I have a name, it's Allison, and I'm not 5! Whenever I come over to their house they want to act like my best friend. I'm worried that when my husband and I have kids that they'll be soooo overbearing with them too. I know they should see their grandkids, but I'm really worried that they're going to teach my kids bad habits: improper English grammar, excessive beer drinking, and did I mention improper English! They us sentences such as "we was going..." and "you was at..." and they say warsh and toirlet instead of wash and toilet... I don't want my children to pick up those grammar habits. I also completely dislike my MILs cleaning habits (she has none whatsoever) and her cooking grosses me out! I am also worried that once our new house gets built that the in laws will be over constantly... And um worrried that my FIL will paint the walls in our house! I've seen his painting skills and he misses spots like crazy! I'm going back to them being overbearing. They call and text me all the time...and when I was away during college, they would say that they'd call and come up to visit with me...ugh definitely not convenient for a woman that's in nursing school! They randomly drove 50 miles to come and visit me a few times during my first year. It was soooo aggravating because I had nursing homework to work on and so I couldn't even pretend to enjoy dinner...(they're so frustrating!) they are also very tacky. My MIL wanted to buy centerpiece for our wedding, but they were sooooooo tacky! They were little plastic white swans and they were cheap cheap! The theme of our reception wasn't swans, it was classy country (not swans!) She also wanted to be in every part of my planning process...another annoying thing. I know it would have been easier to assign her specific tasks, but it was easier just to do it myself so I didn't have to deal with her. They call so much and I deliberately avoid their calls just cas they're so annoying that even their voices drive me nuts! I wish I could voice my opinion to them about being so odd, but I love my husband soo much and don't want to ruin our relationship. If anyone has advice on how to deal with it (I'm not going to try and get along with them because their tacky ways and improper grammar are pet peeves to me. It stresses me out when I have to be around them...even the thought of having to go over to their house stresses me out too...) PLEASE HELP if anyone has advice! Thanks!
Kiity on April 11, 2010:
I really like this article. In-laws can be hard to deal with for several reasons. My modo is if they don't purposly try to hurt your feelings or distrub your relationship then shut up and keep yourself busy if it is a short term problem, if its a long term problem then take the time to express to them your concern. If they are not genuinly hurting your or your relationship they will listen. If they are jerks because they are just rude and unsensitive then talk to your husband or wife about the situation. But don't be a child about it. Be reasonable, it takes two to tango. And most important of all, DON'T INVOLVE YOUR CHILDREN IN THE MESS. If your in-laws say something or do something in front of your children that you don't approve of, take your in-laws asside and tell them, don't keep them from seeying the child. I know it is hard, but that is life. Teach your children right from wrong, but don't hide them from what you believe is wrong. I don't have children yet, but my in-laws are number one to make my husband feel like he is stupid. I tell him after that was not nice of them to say something like that, and its not true. I expect that they will do the same thing with my children, I will just ask them POLITELY to be carefull, but I will also compliment something they do right (which hopefully there will be something)
MRS. P. on March 10, 2010:
Well my Husband and I have been married for 4 years and together for 9. and my issue with my IL is a little different then what Ive been reading. My MIL seems to treat my husband different than she treats her other kids, thus making it easy for the whole family to treat him like he is is father (which none of the family likes) Well here recently my SIL went talking behind me and my husbands back to their brother and sister in law, thus the bad shit got back to us and I lost it. His brother sent us a volgar text cursing us out about our kids and how his mom watches them and such not to mention his brother lives in so. cal we live in no. cal so how does he know all this??? yeah his sister told it. She had been acting strange for a while and this is the result, this is the secound time our names have been drug through the mudd.... But it seems that because I grew up in the Ghetto (but Im not Ghetto) they treated me as if I wasn't good enough from the beginning. His mother was never warm towards me and she always made me feel uncomfortable about my mothering skills and she would always tell my husbands things he needed to be doing without even talking to me. All his brothers and his sister talk so bad about him like they don't even like him and finally his borhter got mad enough based on his sister talking shit to say something. Being that im an outspoken person I lashed out (i did) but for nearly 10 years they have treated me and him at times like our marriage was a joke and they didn't have to respect it. So I basically told my BIL off and my SIL and now The MIL is not speaking to us or the kids either (i told them they would never see my kids again) I was pissed because I don't like to be put in the middle of things that I have no control overand Im very protective over my kids especially with them because they LOVE to judge and talk crap about ppl. Nonetheless Im not sure if I should just stay away or do I go around the family which the WHOLE family knows about the misunderstandings that are going on...I really don know what to do now Im lost and I feel like no matter what I do they will still sit up and talk shit. Should I just leave well enough alone and just stick to myself...Is that even possible since they always get together and stuff...What to do?????
In a box on February 13, 2010:
I have been married since 1991. My husband moved me away from my family as soon as we were married. He only involved his family in our lives...and forced me to be involved in their lives. I only got to visit my family once a year (if I was lucky). I sacrificed my career so that he could pursue his (He's a doc and I have a law degree). We have moved 18 times in 18 years. His mother is a major manipulator and liar. She doesn't care for any of her daughter-in-laws...none of us are good enough for her sons (whom area all "good" providers...but very poor partners/husbands/fathers/friends). She never let her sons have relationships with friends...or girls growing up...even in college she controlled everything...insisting that they study and work to be successful (so that she had the money that she wanted...and sons to provide her with it...because her husband was a blue collar worker...and not the dr or lawyer that she deserved to marry). The sons "fear" their father...and they have a very unhealthy and abnormal idea of what love and respect really are.
My mother-in-law has lied about me...stolen things from me...manipulated her son..manipulated me...manipulated her grandchildren...she has pushed me...called me names...
I have endured almost 20 years of her abuse and my husband believes that I am the problem. Well, I find that hard to believe when my 2 sister-in-laws both suffer like I do...
I am at my wits end...I am ready for a divorce and no longer want to be married. I love my husband but I am no longer in love with him because of the abuse I have endured. I am just a cook, bus driver, house-keeper, book-keeper, errand girl...I do everything for my husband...including his secretarial needs because his secretary isn't smart enough...or is too lazy and he can count on me to do a good job. I have no life and no friends. I am tired of moving...and always listening to him complain about work...He calls me names...tells me I'll never be worth anything and wonders why he married me...
I have looked for work but can't seem to find a job...I am almost 50 years old (look like Im 36) but my skills are waining because I haven't worked in a few years outside the home. I am smarter than most people I know (AS, BS, MLIS, JD...etc)...but I have no self esteem. I just want to go home where my family lives..and leave this man.
To all of you suffering with the MIL from hell. Leave as soon as you can...don't suffer for 20 years like I have feeling sorry for your husband...He has a choice...and he chooses his mother...You need to choose your life instead of ending up like me...and not having a life! Good luck!