How to Help Your Wife Feel Beautiful (Even If She Got Fat)

Updated on November 9, 2016

Turning BBW After Marriage

Me this summer 2013
Me this summer 2013

The Hefty Housewife

  • Is the woman in your life hefty?
  • Do you love the way she looks no matter what?
  • Is it safe to say that you are not head-over-heals in love, with her new low self-esteem from being overweight? (Be honest with yourself, it will make a difference on how you read this article.)

I decided to write this article, because I know all to well how it feels to be a hot momma, gone fat. I have intimate first hand knowledge, how to help your plus size wife get passed her fat issues. In keeping that in mind, this article is not a promise to be a new cure all fix. It is not a self promotional hub, nor is it an advertisement to sell fat-buster products. I am a hefty housewife, who got tired of being ashamed of her new plump figure. Consider this article a jump start to the path of happiness.

"In Sickness and In Health" Wedding Vow Lesson

  • When my husband and I said the wedding vow, "In sickness and in health”, we unknowingly included any and all, mental or physical, illnesses and ailments.

What I mean by that is; it took me a long while to realize that maybe, my new found low self-esteem was something my husband, did not anticipate me having, when he said that vow to me. After all I was an extremely confident woman, steeping with self-confidence over my former size and beauty. Me, come down with low-esteem...? NEVER! Not even I, could have ever anticipated that to be in my unseen future. Even though the "I do’s" were said, some things are not better left unsaid. Presumptions are a person's way of avoiding contact. Do not be lazy or afraid when a marriage is on the line.

  1. Try asking your spouse what they were thinking, when the two of you said that vow. Do not be surprise when she/he says that they were thinking more along the lines of cancer. Self esteem issues or depression are seldom a consideration. Nevertheless, this might just be the catalyst the marriage was needing, to reopen the lines of communication between the two of you again. I have yet to come across a man who said to me, “Yes, Julie I was thinking of her weight gain and self-esteem issues.”
  2. Do not be argumentative. For once in the marriage just listen. Criticism is very difficult to take in at times, especially coming from a spouse. However, if you can simply listen and agree, you might just fine it to be a very rewarding experience.

Understanding the Dynamics Involved

  • Change is a double edge sword. Women need to realize that most men, find it extremely difficult to deal with change.

It is generally hard and somewhat upsetting for men, to deal with the fact that their lover has become a bouncy, plump, BBW, or vice versa. I have a dear friend name Danny, who has not had intimate relations with his girlfriend, since she has lost fifty pounds. As he states, "She took all my cushion away." With that said, it is perfectly natural for men to feel this way, when faced with changes.

On the flip side, women are conditioned to embrace change. It starts the moment women blossom out of their childhood and into puberty, with the start of their menstrual cycle. That hormonal shift causes huge changes in a young girl's life. The way she eats, feels, looks, and behaves can be affected during a woman's menstrual cycle. Girls also forced to change their hygiene habits, and essentially grow up and become more responsible, regardless of their age at the time.

I was eleven when I started my period. I grew huge boobs overnight, and became extremely moody. At times I felt overwhelmed, with all the changes going on inside, my little body. The fact that maybe neither party (in the marriage) thoroughly understands the dynamics of how change, might ultimately be affecting one another, can be the root cause of every thing. It could very well be the cause for a woman's low self-esteem, or why the man is being stand offish in bed.

  • Feeling sexy is a state of mind.

Women have a tendency to become preoccupied with weight gain, and forget to look in the mirror. They simply fail to realize that they have the same potential, to be the sex goddess they always were, if they could only maintain a certain mindset. Positive re-enforcement from the spouse is the most beneficial in these instances. A pinch of her fat butt check, or a coupling of her curves, can really go a long way to helping her get, her sexiness swagger back on target.

Believe it or not, the act of touching can easily fix someone's low self-esteem. Just rubbing your spouse's big, fat, belly is enough to get them past feeling ugly. However, there are those times that no matter you do or say; it is not enough. I find most people are like this. They simply do not have the right state of mind.

Has your spouse gained a lot of weight since the two of you got married?

See results

Take the Initiative Against Fashion Designers

  • Women and men tend to let today's society standards, dictate to them the terms and conditions in which to live by. Being fat is an unacceptable standard in today's high fashion industry.

Well I for one, am tired of gay male fashion designers, dictating what women's bodies should look like. Whose with me? If women were meant to have no butts, flat tits and built straight up and down- well, evolution would have seen fit to make women that way. However, as it is they are not. The average size woman before the 1980s was a size 14. Today, with the heroin addict women looks of Calvin Klein, and the gaunt, haggard, straight up and down models dressing for fashion designers, employed by the House of Halston (died of AIDS, Gay), Valentino, Versace, and etc.- women are expected to be unhealthy, plastic, and superficial.

I am of the opinion that many top male designers have forgotten how to design for real women, and have in turned, designed their fashion apparel for their much younger male lovers. The female body is built completely different, than a male body. For one, women have lactating mammary glands in their breast for breast feeding babies and producing milk. Need I say any more...? It is time that male designers stop cramming their male sexual fantasy looks, down the throats of women everywhere, and calling it high fashion.

The Intimacy Exercise

Life creates uncomfortable circumstances. These fussy messes have a way of sneaking into the bedroom and disrupting intimacy. Naturally, gaining unwanted weight can be one of those disruptions. It is unrealistic to expect a spouse to feel comfortable with the way you look, when you are not comfortable in your own skin.

  • Sensate Focus Exercise. This is an intimacy exercise, which was first designed for sexually traumatized people. What they discovered at Washington University in Saint Louis, Missouri, is that applying the tactics of communication and touch, helped spousal partners;
  1. Overcome many of their emotional restraints.
  2. Actually regain self confident and self esteem.

Applying many of the ideas and techniques of the Sensate Focus exercise will help a spouse, move past any insecurity, and steam forward to a renewed self. Couples helped by this exercise, have been able to see vast improvements in their marriages on a whole. This personal journey is a way that the two of you, can begin tearing down confinements, which kept the both of you content to slide backwards. Complacency in a marriage is a dangerous mindset.

Plus-size women are not always easily convinced that they are beautiful or sexy. It might be up to you to tell her that you want or need more erotica. If you love the way she looks, fat and all, show her by touching her. I highly suggest you give this exercise a try.

Questions & Answers


    Submit a Comment

    • profile image

      steviemac 57 9 months ago

      My girlfriend is a bigger girl. I absolutely love her and am proud to be with her. I hold her hand always, look at her the way I see her, the best thing I ever saw.

      She is the love of my life, my soul mate, and the only woman I see. I don't care for shallow people. She thinks I need glasses, I adore her. Just saying I love you my Karen

    • profile image

      Edtrader 20 months ago

      Well it all comes down to each person. Some men have that problem and some don't.

    • IntimatEvolution profile image

      Julie Grimes 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA

      Rebel, you're a stud! (wink)

    • profile image

      rebelrenegade1 6 years ago

      Ok My comment is probably gonna anger someone, but I do not care. They'll get over it. First off, Why do some of you people say the rudest things about people that are overweight? My wife is overweight. I love her no matter what. I have never, ever been so damn disrespectful to her by calling her fat, gross, disgusting or any other terms I have seen some people typing about their spouses. I have never talked about her like that behind her back either. I love my wife. I do exactly what the lady said above. I kiss my wife's stomach and touch her intimately. It doesn't disgust me at all. What disgusts me tho is most of y'all are concerned about damn sex instead of your wifes health and welfare? What's more important? You getting sex? Or you helping your wife lost weight and trying to keep her around another 20+ years? You help your wife/husband get what they want as far as weight loss and and stop focusing so much on getting your rocks off and I can guarentee you that he/she will take care of your sexual needs and make up for lost time. Stop being thinking about yourselves and think about keeping your spouse alive.

    • sexpressions profile image

      sexpressions 6 years ago from Wherever my imagination sees fit

      I love this hub! The way you wrote it, presented it and even bared yourself through it - it was an excellent read and easy to connect to.

      To be honest, I think all people are horn dogs - and if nobody knew what everyone else got up to, we would probably sleep with everybody we knew. Just to see what it was like. If it could be a secret, or erased, nobody REALLY cares about over weight, some even think it looks better. But so few of us will admit it, because our 'friends might judge us' (or some crap like that.)

      It IS all a state of mind, and self-esteem, and you really made sure to get that point across. Love it! Voted up :)

    • ElSeductor profile image

      ElSeductor 6 years ago

      Men are as shallow as women. If a man is not with an attractive woman, it's because he cannot get her. Just like when a woman is with a poor man. She can't get a rich one.

      Have you ever seen Brad Pitt with an overweight woman? Have you ever seen Pamela Anderson with a poor man?

      Please do not misinterpret. I never said that I wouldn't have sex with a woman who is overweight. Many men enjoy intercourse with overweight women. Sometimes overweight women are better in bed than thin women. Some thin women rely too much on their looks, and they are like blankets on a bed when it comes to sex. However, overweight women tend to be more exciting in bed.

      I guarantee you that every man you know has had sex with an overweight woman. He just doesn't want to be seen in public with her. The same can be said about a woman. A woman will have sex with a guy who owns a cheap car. She just doesn't want to be seen riding around in it.

      My girlfriend is gorgeous, and I love to show her off in public. I also have a "friend with benefits" who is overweight. There is something really yummy about her. I've never shown her off though, but she doesn't seem to mind.


    • IntimatEvolution profile image

      Julie Grimes 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA

      No. Divorced. Not happening. You have me confused with somebody's else's marriage. My man is well taken care of... so, my disagreement with your thought process is something entirely different.

      My issue with your argument has everything to do with how shallow minded your position comes off as. Shallowness is not a virtue to brag about. You are clearly comfortable with being narrowminded and shallow. I disagree with your logic and thought process because of it.

    • ElSeductor profile image

      ElSeductor 6 years ago

      That's because you are still married. Wait until you get divorced. After leaving the court room you'll head to get a membership at a fitness club. All divorced women do.


    • IntimatEvolution profile image

      Julie Grimes 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA

      I completely disagree.

    • ElSeductor profile image

      ElSeductor 6 years ago

      Go to a gym, and most of the women there will be recently divorced. Why do women wait until they get divorced to get in shape? They wait because they know that there isn't a man alive who will want her if she is fat. Had she tried to keep herself looking good for her husband, she wouldn't have to worry about getting fit for somebody else.


    • IntimatEvolution profile image

      Julie Grimes 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA

      Oh Thanks so much for the compliment and for leaving a comment. I'm a fat wife too. And truthfully I love my size. People get out of my when I come a walkin' through somewhere. lol I love it!

    • slaffery profile image

      slaffery 6 years ago from Kansas, USA

      Thanks for sharing this hub. I am proud to say I too am a fat wife. My hubby still tells me everyday how beautiful I am which I appreciate but I'm thinking he needs some new lenses. lol Voted up and funny

    • IntimatEvolution profile image

      Julie Grimes 6 years ago from Columbia, MO USA

      You don't know how happy that makes me! Right on! I am thrilled and delighted that your man, has it going on and knows a real woman when he sees one. I love it. Kudos to you and your marine.

    • profile image

      Lorelei 6 years ago

      I am a very sexy fat woman who has a boyfriend that loves me for me. As a matter of fact he chased me before we got together. He does not have low self esteem (what MARINE does?) and neither do I. I LOVE ME and so does he!!!

    • Sun-Girl profile image

      Sun-Girl 6 years ago from Nigeria

      Funny but very enjoyable article which is well shared and which i enjoyed reading from.

    • denise mohan profile image

      denise mohan 7 years ago from California

      My husband has always wanted me at whatever size I became. Married for 20 yrs. and he has seen me at size 6 to 18. He loved me just as much BUT when I was heavier I didn't feel the need nor did I feel sexy. This past year I lost 40 lbs. Although I put 10 lbs. back on, I feel wonderful and he looks at me differently. I do understand An actaul husbands' comments and it really is the way most of them think. I combined dancing videos and cabbage soup. Of course I go back and forth and in between I eat whatever I want. Check out my Dr. Oz soup and Julianne Hough video hubs!

    • profile image

      matilda tuesday 7 years ago

      I know a woman or two that has had more than a little trouble adjusting to changes in her husbands size and weight.

      Feeling sexy is a state of mind. Obesity is not. obesity not only changes the way we look, it changes the way out loved ones see us.

    • profile image

      Lori 7 years ago


      I was here earlier thru a link. Did you delete actualhusband's 2nd comment? I coulda sworn he had one. At any rate, I think he has a legitimate viewpoint borne of frustration. When I was fat, I did not feel sexy even though my husband always treated me like he wanted me and like I was sexy. When I lost over 70 lbs and was able to fit into my size 3 wedding dress, I gotta admit THAT made me feel sexy and my husband is ecstatic!

      Granted, my dh wasn't turned on by the extra weight and he certainly wasn't turned on by my lack of 'feeling sexy' but despite him always chasing me around the house, ME feeling sexy happened naturally when I started losing the weight (exercise, good diet, supplements). Notice it didn't happen AFTER i lost ALL the weight, but when I STARTED to lose it.

      There may be different ways for a woman who is overweight/obese to feel sexy but pushing for optimal health is, in my opinion, an excellent way to go.

      And I feel some sympathy for actualhusband. When I pestered my husband to re-grow his mustache (that he was sooo done with) I told him, 'but you had it when we dated and got married' he returned volley by sweetly saying, 'and you were a size 3 when we got married!

      Ouchie and touche`.

    • IntimatEvolution profile image

      Julie Grimes 7 years ago from Columbia, MO USA

      And I'll ignore your petty approach to love husband dear.

      See this is me ignoring you........

      Did I mention that I cannot stand stupid people? Well I find superficial people intolerable.

    • profile image

      An actual husband 7 years ago

      I’ll tell you what most men think. They married a woman because they found her attractive, intelligent and they shared the same values. That poppycock about men’s love of routine is just that. Men like attractive women. Fat is not attractive. Men go into marriage expecting that their wife will get wrinkles, stuff will sag and all the other things that go with aging. They expect that their wife may gain a REASONABLE amount of weight. They do not expect that they will blow up to whale-size proportions or gain unseemly fatty proteburences. When it happens, they are disapointed; angry; distressed; and a whole maelstrom of other emotions. Invariably, women think they have a man “trappped” in a marriage and get “comfortable” and “let themselves go.” A fat wife is not sexy, do not delude yourself. If your’e fat and unattractive, I guarantee you that your husband is checking out his co-workers, the meter maids, the babysitter, in short, any reasonably attractive woman he can see that can remind him what a nice looking woman looks like. If you’re lucky, he’s only looking. How about you put down the ice cream and try to look good for yourself, your man, and set a good example for your children? Before he has an affair or leaves you for someone who respects herself and has a sane relationship with food? Really.

    • Sunny Robinson profile image

      Sunny Robinson 7 years ago from Tennessee

      Wow, I have a couple of books to add to my TBR pile. Damn it. What Cecilia said was very interesting -- never even thought of that!

      Also, I am loving your hubs on all of this. You are incredibly beautiful in the way you write. I get the impression of a beautiful woman with a glow on her face in knowing her self-worth. Seriously. It's a gorgeous image in my head that you've conjured.

      So, keep hubbin', my friend.

    • profile image

      Building Self-Esteem 7 years ago

      I don't know - I understand that love SHOULD be there no matter what, but I just have never been sexually attracted to fat women. I would rather try to help my partner to lose weight, rather than accepting it.

    • mikielikie profile image

      mikielikie 8 years ago from Texas

      Very interesting hub! can't wait for more.

    • IntimatEvolution profile image

      Julie Grimes 8 years ago from Columbia, MO USA

      Oh I love that one myself! It is so great. Thank you so much for commenting.

    • ceciliabeltran profile image

      Cecilia 8 years ago from New York

      Carolyn Myss in her book Anatomy of the Spirit correlated fears to obesity. So the larger you are, the more fears are holding you back. In a way, it is a natural response of life to increase in size if it perceives a threat in the environment. Cortisol, a stress and fear hormone makes the belly fat increase. I however find the photo below beautiful. Fears or not that is one good photo of a woman who is unafraid to celebrate herself!


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