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Help Your Wife Feel Beautiful and Sexy Whether She's Fat or Skinny

Julie gained weight after marriage and hopes to inspire other women to find confidence in their bodies, and in the way they dress.

Show your spouse love, no matter what size they are.

Show your spouse love, no matter what size they are.

Is your wife overweight? Do you love the way your partner looks no matter what, but are simply not enamored by her low self-esteem?

Be honest while answering these questions; it will affect the way you understand this article. I am a hefty housewife who got tired of feeling ashamed of my new plump figure, and I know all too well how it feels to be a hot mom gone fat. I can help you and your plus-sized spouse get past their weight issues.

Listen to Your Spouse

If your marriage is on the line, do not be lazy or afraid to ask what your spouse was thinking when they said that they would love you "in sickness and in health" during your wedding vows. Do not be surprised if they say that at the time, they were thinking of a physical illness, such as cancer. Unfortunately, mental health, such as depression, is seldom a consideration. Nevertheless, this conversation might just reopen the lines of communication between the two of you again.

Do not be argumentative—just listen. Though criticism can be very difficult to accept at times, you might just find it very rewarding to listen to your spouse about their weight gain.

When my husband and I took our vows, we unknowingly included any mental or physical conditions, illnesses, or ailments. It took me a long while to realize that maybe my newly developed low self-esteem was something that my husband thought I would never have. When I was my former size, I was an extremely confident woman, steeping in self-assurance. Not even I could have ever anticipated low self-esteem as part of my immediate future.

Learn to Accept Change

Change is a double-edged sword. Most men find it extremely difficult to deal with change. It is hard and somewhat upsetting for men to deal with the fact that their lover has become a gorgeous, plump BBW. On the other hand, I have a dear friend named Danny who hasn't been intimate with his girlfriend since she lost fifty pounds. "She took all my cushion away," he says. It is perfectly natural for men to feel confused when faced with change.

On the flip side, women are conditioned to embrace change. It starts the moment girls blossom out of their childhood and into puberty. That hormonal shift causes huge changes in a young girl's life—the way she eats, feels, looks, and behaves can all be affected by her menstrual cycle. Girls are forced to change their hygiene habits and must essentially become more responsible, regardless of their age at the time.

Maybe one person in your marriage does not understand the dynamics change, and this might be the root cause of many problems. This lack of understanding can lower a woman's self-esteem and can explain why her husband is being standoffish with her.

I was eleven when I started my period. I grew huge breasts overnight and became extremely moody. At times, I felt overwhelmed with all the changes taking place inside my little body. It was at this time that I learned to embrace and adjust to epic changes in life.

Just a small touch on their hip or belly can help boost your partner's self-confidence.

Just a small touch on their hip or belly can help boost your partner's self-confidence.

Liven Up Your Sex Life With Intimacy Exercises

Life creates uncomfortable circumstances that can sneak into the bedroom and disrupt intimacy. Naturally, gaining unwanted weight can be one of those disruptions. It is unrealistic to expect your spouse to feel comfortable with how you look at them when they are not comfortable in their own skin.

Try sensate focus exercises. Though these were initially designed for sexually traumatized people, researchers at Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri discovered that applying these communication and touching practices helped spousal partners regain self-confidence and overcome many of their emotional restraints.

Many of the techniques in sensate focus exercises will help a spouse move past their insecurities and charge toward a renewed sense of self. Couples who have used these exercises have been able to see vast improvements in their marriage as a whole. This personal journey is a way for the two of you to begin tearing down confinements that keep the both of you content to slide backward. Complacency is a dangerous mindset to have in a marriage.

Plus-sized women are not always easily convinced that they are beautiful or sexy. It might be up to you to tell her what you want or need on an intimate level. If you love the way that she looks, fat and all, show her by touching her. I highly suggest that you give sensate focus a try.

Your Partner Can Be Overweight and Feel Sexy

Women have a tendency to become preoccupied with weight gain, failing to realize that they have the potential to be the goddess they always have been if they can maintain a certain mindset. This is where giving your spouse positive reinforcement is the most beneficial—pinching her butt or hugging her curves can really go a long way in helping her regain her sexy swagger.

Believe it or not, physical touch can easily help someone's low self-esteem. Rubbing your spouse's bigger, fatter belly can make them feel attractive. However, there are other times when no matter what you do or say, it is simply not enough. Most people seem to be like this—they don't have the right state of mind and refuse to even try to change their way of thinking.

Make sure your spouse knows that what is considered a "fashionable" body type is always changing.

Women and men tend to let society's standards dictate what terms and conditions they should live by. Unfortunately, being fat is an unacceptable standard in today's fashion industry. I, for one, am tired of fashion designers deciding what women's bodies should look like.

Before the 1980s, the average woman was a size 14. Today, women are forced to compete with the Calvin Klein waif look, and there are super skinny models dressing for fashion houses such as House of Halston, Valentino, Versace, and Steve McQueen. This tells teenage girls that men expect women to be unhealthy, weak, and superficial, which puts them at risk of developing an unhealthy body image.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Questions & Answers

Question: How can I convince my wife that other people's comments do not matter?

Answer: Your emphasis enforced by your intimate actions towards her, will help her self image to flow as bright as your love for her. Touch her in public. Pinch her butt, rub a breast, kiss her neck, etc., these little actions tells her subconsciously your true desire for her, and should help her grow. Unfortunately you're competing against years of self degrading, and instense hazing which she has probably had to suffer with. What takes years to build takes more hours of love to tear down.

© 2009 Julie Grimes


steviemac 57 on September 01, 2017:

My girlfriend is a bigger girl. I absolutely love her and am proud to be with her. I hold her hand always, look at her the way I see her, the best thing I ever saw.

She is the love of my life, my soul mate, and the only woman I see. I don't care for shallow people. She thinks I need glasses, I adore her. Just saying I love you my Karen

Edtrader on October 15, 2016:

Well it all comes down to each person. Some men have that problem and some don't.

Julie Grimes (author) from Columbia, MO USA on September 27, 2011:

Rebel, you're a stud! (wink)

rebelrenegade1 on September 27, 2011:

Ok My comment is probably gonna anger someone, but I do not care. They'll get over it. First off, Why do some of you people say the rudest things about people that are overweight? My wife is overweight. I love her no matter what. I have never, ever been so damn disrespectful to her by calling her fat, gross, disgusting or any other terms I have seen some people typing about their spouses. I have never talked about her like that behind her back either. I love my wife. I do exactly what the lady said above. I kiss my wife's stomach and touch her intimately. It doesn't disgust me at all. What disgusts me tho is most of y'all are concerned about damn sex instead of your wifes health and welfare? What's more important? You getting sex? Or you helping your wife lost weight and trying to keep her around another 20+ years? You help your wife/husband get what they want as far as weight loss and and stop focusing so much on getting your rocks off and I can guarentee you that he/she will take care of your sexual needs and make up for lost time. Stop being thinking about yourselves and think about keeping your spouse alive.

sexpressions from Wherever my imagination sees fit on September 24, 2011:

I love this hub! The way you wrote it, presented it and even bared yourself through it - it was an excellent read and easy to connect to.

To be honest, I think all people are horn dogs - and if nobody knew what everyone else got up to, we would probably sleep with everybody we knew. Just to see what it was like. If it could be a secret, or erased, nobody REALLY cares about over weight, some even think it looks better. But so few of us will admit it, because our 'friends might judge us' (or some crap like that.)

It IS all a state of mind, and self-esteem, and you really made sure to get that point across. Love it! Voted up :)

ElSeductor on September 23, 2011:

Men are as shallow as women. If a man is not with an attractive woman, it's because he cannot get her. Just like when a woman is with a poor man. She can't get a rich one.

Have you ever seen Brad Pitt with an overweight woman? Have you ever seen Pamela Anderson with a poor man?

Please do not misinterpret. I never said that I wouldn't have sex with a woman who is overweight. Many men enjoy intercourse with overweight women. Sometimes overweight women are better in bed than thin women. Some thin women rely too much on their looks, and they are like blankets on a bed when it comes to sex. However, overweight women tend to be more exciting in bed.

I guarantee you that every man you know has had sex with an overweight woman. He just doesn't want to be seen in public with her. The same can be said about a woman. A woman will have sex with a guy who owns a cheap car. She just doesn't want to be seen riding around in it.

My girlfriend is gorgeous, and I love to show her off in public. I also have a "friend with benefits" who is overweight. There is something really yummy about her. I've never shown her off though, but she doesn't seem to mind.


Julie Grimes (author) from Columbia, MO USA on September 22, 2011:

No. Divorced. Not happening. You have me confused with somebody's else's marriage. My man is well taken care of... so, my disagreement with your thought process is something entirely different.

My issue with your argument has everything to do with how shallow minded your position comes off as. Shallowness is not a virtue to brag about. You are clearly comfortable with being narrowminded and shallow. I disagree with your logic and thought process because of it.

ElSeductor on September 21, 2011:

That's because you are still married. Wait until you get divorced. After leaving the court room you'll head to get a membership at a fitness club. All divorced women do.


Julie Grimes (author) from Columbia, MO USA on September 21, 2011:

I completely disagree.

ElSeductor on September 21, 2011:

Go to a gym, and most of the women there will be recently divorced. Why do women wait until they get divorced to get in shape? They wait because they know that there isn't a man alive who will want her if she is fat. Had she tried to keep herself looking good for her husband, she wouldn't have to worry about getting fit for somebody else.


Julie Grimes (author) from Columbia, MO USA on September 15, 2011:

Oh Thanks so much for the compliment and for leaving a comment. I'm a fat wife too. And truthfully I love my size. People get out of my when I come a walkin' through somewhere. lol I love it!

slaffery from Kansas, USA on September 14, 2011:

Thanks for sharing this hub. I am proud to say I too am a fat wife. My hubby still tells me everyday how beautiful I am which I appreciate but I'm thinking he needs some new lenses. lol Voted up and funny

Julie Grimes (author) from Columbia, MO USA on September 11, 2011:

You don't know how happy that makes me! Right on! I am thrilled and delighted that your man, has it going on and knows a real woman when he sees one. I love it. Kudos to you and your marine.

Lorelei on September 11, 2011:

I am a very sexy fat woman who has a boyfriend that loves me for me. As a matter of fact he chased me before we got together. He does not have low self esteem (what MARINE does?) and neither do I. I LOVE ME and so does he!!!

Sun-Girl from Nigeria on June 25, 2011:

Funny but very enjoyable article which is well shared and which i enjoyed reading from.

denise mohan from California on November 30, 2010:

My husband has always wanted me at whatever size I became. Married for 20 yrs. and he has seen me at size 6 to 18. He loved me just as much BUT when I was heavier I didn't feel the need nor did I feel sexy. This past year I lost 40 lbs. Although I put 10 lbs. back on, I feel wonderful and he looks at me differently. I do understand An actaul husbands' comments and it really is the way most of them think. I combined dancing videos and cabbage soup. Of course I go back and forth and in between I eat whatever I want. Check out my Dr. Oz soup and Julianne Hough video hubs!

matilda tuesday on November 06, 2010:

I know a woman or two that has had more than a little trouble adjusting to changes in her husbands size and weight.

Feeling sexy is a state of mind. Obesity is not. obesity not only changes the way we look, it changes the way out loved ones see us.

Lori on November 05, 2010:


I was here earlier thru a link. Did you delete actualhusband's 2nd comment? I coulda sworn he had one. At any rate, I think he has a legitimate viewpoint borne of frustration. When I was fat, I did not feel sexy even though my husband always treated me like he wanted me and like I was sexy. When I lost over 70 lbs and was able to fit into my size 3 wedding dress, I gotta admit THAT made me feel sexy and my husband is ecstatic!

Granted, my dh wasn't turned on by the extra weight and he certainly wasn't turned on by my lack of 'feeling sexy' but despite him always chasing me around the house, ME feeling sexy happened naturally when I started losing the weight (exercise, good diet, supplements). Notice it didn't happen AFTER i lost ALL the weight, but when I STARTED to lose it.

There may be different ways for a woman who is overweight/obese to feel sexy but pushing for optimal health is, in my opinion, an excellent way to go.

And I feel some sympathy for actualhusband. When I pestered my husband to re-grow his mustache (that he was sooo done with) I told him, 'but you had it when we dated and got married' he returned volley by sweetly saying, 'and you were a size 3 when we got married!

Ouchie and touche`.

Julie Grimes (author) from Columbia, MO USA on November 05, 2010:

And I'll ignore your petty approach to love husband dear.

See this is me ignoring you........

Did I mention that I cannot stand stupid people? Well I find superficial people intolerable.

An actual husband on November 03, 2010:

I’ll tell you what most men think. They married a woman because they found her attractive, intelligent and they shared the same values. That poppycock about men’s love of routine is just that. Men like attractive women. Fat is not attractive. Men go into marriage expecting that their wife will get wrinkles, stuff will sag and all the other things that go with aging. They expect that their wife may gain a REASONABLE amount of weight. They do not expect that they will blow up to whale-size proportions or gain unseemly fatty proteburences. When it happens, they are disapointed; angry; distressed; and a whole maelstrom of other emotions. Invariably, women think they have a man “trappped” in a marriage and get “comfortable” and “let themselves go.” A fat wife is not sexy, do not delude yourself. If your’e fat and unattractive, I guarantee you that your husband is checking out his co-workers, the meter maids, the babysitter, in short, any reasonably attractive woman he can see that can remind him what a nice looking woman looks like. If you’re lucky, he’s only looking. How about you put down the ice cream and try to look good for yourself, your man, and set a good example for your children? Before he has an affair or leaves you for someone who respects herself and has a sane relationship with food? Really.

Sunny Robinson from Tennessee on October 16, 2010:

Wow, I have a couple of books to add to my TBR pile. Damn it. What Cecilia said was very interesting -- never even thought of that!

Also, I am loving your hubs on all of this. You are incredibly beautiful in the way you write. I get the impression of a beautiful woman with a glow on her face in knowing her self-worth. Seriously. It's a gorgeous image in my head that you've conjured.

So, keep hubbin', my friend.

Building Self-Esteem on August 20, 2010:

I don't know - I understand that love SHOULD be there no matter what, but I just have never been sexually attracted to fat women. I would rather try to help my partner to lose weight, rather than accepting it.

mikielikie from Texas on June 11, 2010:

Very interesting hub! can't wait for more.

Julie Grimes (author) from Columbia, MO USA on April 12, 2010:

Oh I love that one myself! It is so great. Thank you so much for commenting.

Cecilia from New York on April 11, 2010:

Carolyn Myss in her book Anatomy of the Spirit correlated fears to obesity. So the larger you are, the more fears are holding you back. In a way, it is a natural response of life to increase in size if it perceives a threat in the environment. Cortisol, a stress and fear hormone makes the belly fat increase. I however find the photo below beautiful. Fears or not that is one good photo of a woman who is unafraid to celebrate herself!

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