Jorge's relationship advice is based on experience and observation. Let his trial and error be your success (hopefully).
Is There Something Wrong With Having Nothing in Common?
Do you feel like you and your boyfriend are at odds? Are your hobbies or friendship circles totally different? Do you struggle to spend time together because you can't agree on where to have your dates?
What do you do when you and your boyfriend have nothing in common?
This problem is actually more common than you might think. It's a problem I've had myself because I used to be attracted to people who were my total opposite. This made things exciting at first, but then it was hard to move forward and get serious. I've had to part ways with partners over this before.
This may not be the case for you, though. Sometimes people have basically nothing in common, but they are fine living their own separate lives while being in a relationship. Other times, this can become an issue because one or both people feel like it gets in the way of the relationship's future.
Is this what happened to you? Do you want to figure out how you can still bond with your boyfriend when there doesn't seem to be a middle ground?
Take some of these tips into consideration and maybe you can close the gap between you.
1. Remember Why You Got Together
Maybe you're frustrated right now, so you can't quite see it, but you and your boyfriend probably do have something in common.
You're with him, aren't you? There was something in common that must have brought you together, even if it was just mutual attraction.
Why did you and your boyfriend get together in the first place? Think back. What was it about him that you liked? What part of your own self did you see in him?
If all you can say is, "He was hot and I was hot," and you can't think of literally anything else, then you may have found yourself in a relationship based solely on physical attraction. There's nothing wrong with that!
The problem is in trying to make it something other than what it is. It's important to be attracted to your partner, but if you meet someone and build a relationship with them based only on that, then don't be shocked to find that you have incompatibilities.
Attraction also changes and can even fade over time. You might be at a point in your relationship where the initial excitement has started to wane, so you're finally able to start seeing the truth that you actually have nothing in common.
This can be a bummer for sure, especially if you really love this person. Just because you love someone, though, does not mean that you're actually compatible.
2. Consider the Deeper Things You Have in Common
Maybe you and your boyfriend don't seem to have anything external in common: You have different hobbies, come from different cultures, or have different tastes in music. In fact, maybe you're complete opposites on the surface.
But maybe, inside, it's a different story.
While not being able to go to the same concerts can be annoying, what are some deeper things you have in common that you might have overlooked? Because those things can be subtle, you might not even notice them on a day-to-day basis.
For example, do both you and your boyfriend have a similar life mission? Do you both desire to build a wealthy future or contribute to humanity or explore the world? Do you have compatible aspirations?
This can be a source of commonality. Over time, you might even develop specific, concrete things in common based on these mindsets. Hobbies come and go, and so do friends sometimes. The key is that you have the same mindset about life, and that you could reasonably be heading in the same direction. This can last a lot longer than surface-level things you have in common.
What You and Your Boyfriend Originally Had in Common
3. Try New Things Together Frequently
All right, so it seems like you have nothing in common with your boyfriend. You might be able to change that to an extent.
Have you tried testing new activities that neither of you might have considered before, but that you could both get into? Chess? Paintball? Barbie dolls?
Of course, you can't force someone to be interested in things that they're not interested in. And I caution you to not pick up a hobby simply because your boyfriend is into it; that's just a recipe for pretending to be someone you're not.
If you're having to really work to make things line up and if your boyfriend really doesn't seem into it, then don't turn it into an uphill battle. Let things be.
The idea is simply to make a habit of trying new things together frequently. From there, you may find things that you naturally have in common that you didn't realize before. It should flow. If it feels like work, don't do it.
4. Find a Journey in Common
One the deepest ways you can establish something in common with your boyfriend is to go on a journey together. When you can set goals together, then the path there will naturally be filled with things you will have in common.
Consciously determine some goals that one or both of you would like to reach. Is there anything you can do together that can help nudge you towards that end?
Maybe you're both trying to get healthier or you're both trying to increase your income. Go on that journey together. Even just being around each other and encouraging each other can be something "in common."
What's even better, it's something healthy that you have in common. Sometimes, when you feel like you've outgrown someone, it is simply that there is no journey that you're currently having with that person anymore. You feel stagnant or stuck.
In order to get things moving in the relationship again, sometimes you have to get yourself moving. Think about what you'd like next in life and invite your boyfriend on that quest. Take on the world hand in hand!
5. Clarify Why You're in the Relationship
Maybe you feel like you just sit around doing nothing when you spend time together and it bores you. It seems like you're heading in totally different directions in life. You're trying to find things you and your boyfriend have in common, but it makes your relationship feel like work--and you're wondering what it is exactly that you're working towards.
The key question to ask yourself is: Do you genuinely feel uplifted when you're around your boyfriend most of the time? Do you feel like he adds to your life, or does the relationship drain you?
It doesn't have to be anybody's fault one way or the other.
Sometimes, things just don't work out. Sometimes, you will love each other and still have deep incompatibilities. Sometimes, you have to let each other go and have your own separate journeys, so that both of you can be 100% your authentic selves.
But not always. Think about your situation and where things may be headed. Your relationship may simply be going through a rough patch as well. You might be able to find common ground in places you didn't expect.
Think about why you got into this relationship in the first place. Does it all still apply?
You Have Each Other in Common
Whether things work out or not, you have each other in common. You came to know another human being on a deep level, and that itself has value. You don't always have to have tons of things in common to get something out of a relationship.
Besides, it can't be forced. Trust me, I've been in that boat before and it doesn't last long! Relationships are much more enjoyable when you can let the other person be themselves.
So be yourselves together. The most important thing is that you enjoy spending time with each other. As long as you have that, don't worry too much about forcing yourselves to have things in common.
The Degree of Difference
© 2021 Jorge Vamos