Ten Reasons Not to Get a Divorce

Updated on June 17, 2019
prairieprincess profile image

Sharilee Swaity writes on family and marriage issues on her blog, Second Chance Love. She has written a book on the topic of remarriage.

"Will you divorce me?" is not the proposition most of us were hoping to get.
"Will you divorce me?" is not the proposition most of us were hoping to get. | Source

Should I Get a Divorce?

Most people have thought about divorce at least once during their marriage. For some, divorce is a constant threat; for others, it feels like the only hope. Whether you avoid the thought of divorce or think about it every day, this article gives ten new things to consider.

I start with a disclaimer: Both my husband and I are divorced, but neither of us chose it. Our ex-spouses chose it and we had to live with it. If your partner chooses to end the marriage, you cannot force them to stay married. Another caveat: If a partner is any of the following, divorce may be justified:

  • adulterous
  • abusive
  • addicted

In other words, if they are cheating on you, hitting or putting you down, an alcoholic or drug addict, or left you for someone else, this article does not apply to you. However, if the preceding reasons do not apply, and if you are wondering if you should get a divorce, I present you with ten reasons not to.

10 GREAT REASONS NOT TO DIVORCE

1. Divorce Will Hurt Your Kids

The first reason is something that should give us all pause: the kids. Should you stay married for your children? Well, maybe not, but at least think about how divorce will affect them. You might get over it in time, but they never will.

They will never get over the loss of their family, and their lives will never be the same. Never. When parents start living separate lives, a child's world is shattered, and they must navigate a new reality. There will be long-lasting financial, emotional, developmental, academic, and psychological repercussions. For that kid, the fairy tale is officially over. Yes, kids do "move on," but they are affected forever.

Judith Wallerstein, a well-known psychologist, researcher, author, and advocate of children of divorce, says that even 25 years later, children of divorce are 40% less likely to marry. They report ongoing romantic repercussions many years after their parents' divorce.

Another study, The Effects of Divorce on America, found staggering correlations between divorce and ongoing problems for children. Divorce was linked to higher drug abuse, lower grades, more mental health issues, and higher suicide rates. These are only a couple of examples; there are have been many other studies done on this subject as well.

These statistics are not intended to make anyone feel guilty about something that has already happened. Divorced parents and stepparents (like me) all try to make the best of a difficult situation, but make no mistake, the kids are very much effected.

In my own life, both as a stepmom and as a teacher of at-risk teenagers, I have seen a lot of anger in kids of divorce. This can largely be attributed to the way children feel torn between the two people they love the most in the world: mom and dad, who now don't like each other very much. Divorce is an ongoing conflict, even if there is no real squabbling going on, and it causes division within the child.

So, reason number one for not divorcing is the kids. Divorce hurts them. Period.

2. Divorce Will Bring Emotional Devastation

Divorce is emotionally devastating for most people. It forces us to kill all of the hopes and dreams we were counting on when we decided to marry. It separates us from the one person we believed would always be there for us, holding our hand when we got old and feeble. We may deny it, but there is always pain with separation. Divorce is a type of death and we will need to grieve the loss of the relationship just as we would if a person we love died.

Divorce is the ultimate rejection because we are either rejecting or being rejected by the one person who knew us best in this world. These days, we've grown so accustomed to people splitting up that this silent pain is often ignored and not acknowledged, but it's still real. People often try to alleviate the pain with addictions or new relationships, but these don't heal the wounds. Many people are never the same after a divorce, because everything they thought was real and true is gone.

3. A Divorce Leads to a Loss of Confidence

We grow up thinking that we will marry and be happy. When we "fail" at that, our self confidence and belief in ourselves is deeply affected. We have failed at one of the key jobs of adulthood: to find a suitable mate and make it work.

When my second husband and I were still dating, he was very reluctant to make a commitment to marry. In fact, it was terrifying to him. You see, he had "failed" at marriage once, and he did not want to fail again.

Another aspect of confidence that is affected is our confidence in our desirability. This is why newly divorced people often go through a stage of serial dating, desperately seeking to re-establish themselves as being attractive and wanted. Or they may fall into another relationship right away, rebounding instead of carefully choosing someone who is healthy for them, compounding and complicating the already raw wound of divorce.

4. Loss of Identity

When divorce happens, both individuals lose that familiar role of husband or wife. Even if the marriage is troubled, there is still security in knowing that you are this person's spouse. All of that is gone when the divorce papers are signed. You are no longer the wife of so-and-so, you are now just their ex—not a very affirming title.

Women feel this in a very literal way as they go from "Mrs." to a "Ms." Not only that, but many women must wrestle with the decision of changing their name back to their maiden name or continuing to identify with a name that no longer reflects who they are.

Marriage gives us a strong identity and role in this world, and divorce takes that away.

Divorce is like throwing your whole world into a bonfire and watching it burn.
Divorce is like throwing your whole world into a bonfire and watching it burn. | Source

5. Custody Battles Are Hell

This reason is closely related to the first. Fighting over children will change everyone's life.

One of the worst things about divorce, if children are involved, is the new dirty word you will become very familiar with: custody. You will no longer have the children in your home full-time. You will be sharing those children with your ex-partner, and you will have to arrange your whole life to accommodate these arrangements.

If you are the non-custodial parent, you can never get those hours back and you will miss those children, guaranteed. I watched my husband go through it, and there is nothing like the pain of a dad or mom missing their child. Nothing.

Walking away from a marriage because it's not what you wanted will likely mean walking away from your kids... and that impact is enormous.

It is also important to realize that even the custodial parent loses out. Every time the children go to the other parent, the custodial parent loses their purpose and focus for those days or hours. It's not that the kids' time with your ex-spouse is necessarily bad, but most mothers like to know where their kids are and how they are doing, and sharing custody changes that. You no longer have 24-hour access to your children because you have to share that with your former mate. That is a tough pill to swallow, no matter what.

Custody also means that your children will now have two homes, not one. For the rest of their childhood, they will have to continually split themselves between two residences and will have to adjust every time they go from one to the other. Yes, custody arrangements might sound easy on paper, but emotionally they are seldom easy and rarely painless.

6. Loss of Family

Now this is a very difficult one, and painful for many people. You know how when you got married, everyone said you were marrying your fiancé's family, as well? Well, this truth also works in reverse. When you divorce your wife, you are also divorcing her family, in most cases.

Family members will often feel forced to take sides, and guess who they are going to pick? Of course they'll choose the blood relation. So the relationship you built with your in-laws will probably end.

I have known people who have kept in touch with their ex-partner's relatives, but it is rare and often awkward. For some people, this can be a huge loss. Family connections run deep, and we take our family for granted. It can be very painful to realize that those connections are gone.

7. Loss of Friends

Divorce will have a dramatic effect on your social life. In most social circles, a person's marital status is important and affects the dynamics of most social interactions. Couples often feel more comfortable being friends with other couples, and making the switch to two singles instead of one deuce will shake everything up. If you are really close, the couple might choose to see you both at different times, but usually, friends feel forced to take sides and be loyal to their original friend. This doesn't sound very nice, but it's a reality.

Also, some couples don't feel as comfortable hanging out with a divorced person. Their lonely presence serves as a reminder that things always don't work out. Friends might question their own marriages, and problems that were once covered up may begin to rise to the light of day as they witness your break up.

Just as people often don't know what to say to someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, people are often awkward when confronted by a divorce. They don't know what to say, so they stay away.

8. Financial Tangles and Added Expenses

The longer a couple stays married, the more time they have to build assets. Couples who have been together for a long time often enjoy a great deal of financial stability. Staying together allows them to accumulate assets and good credit as both partners work together for the good of their household. Divorce disrupts this building process and forces both parties to start from scratch.

According to Nolo Press's nationwide divorce survey, "Most reported paying a total of around $15,500 for their divorces," and if it is contentious, it can cost a lot more. According to Divorce Magazine, many divorces cost well over $100,000. Divorce is expensive in so many ways.

  • There are the actual legal costs of obtaining a divorce judgment. If there are children involved, custody and child support must be handled. If there are assets, they must be divided. All of these things involve extra expenses and billable legal fees. Anytime a judge is involved, you must pay for the lawyer's time.
  • Even after the divorce itself, there will be more expenses because now, between the two of you, you are paying for two separate residences instead of one. Two rents or mortgages, the cost of heating two houses, separate meals... it all adds up.
  • Taking care of your child used to be something the two of you shared, coordinating schedules and jobs to cover the responsibilities. Now, one person—usually the woman—must find a way to care for the child, and the other—usually the man—must pay large amounts of cash to help her do this. Economically, this is far harder than doing it together. Both parties lose in a child support situation.
  • Job situations also have to change to accommodate a new schedule and a new situation. This can affect employment. If one person has been a student, they may no longer find it possible to continue with their studies after the support of their spouse is gone.

My ex husband moved several times after our divorce in an effort to be closer to his children. That was expensive. I lost many of my household effects because I did not want fight for them and had to move in with my parents for a while. Everyone's situation is unique, but most people incur extensive economic costs.

"The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it." —Arnold H. Glasow
"The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it." —Arnold H. Glasow | Source

9. Second Marriages Are Even Harder

I am my husband's second wife. My husband is my second husband. Therefore, I talk about this next subject with some trepidation. For those of us making a new life after divorce, we hope and believe in second chances, and this often includes a second marriage. If a person is divorced, they will often want share their life with someone else and not to simply be alone.

But let's be honest. Second marriages are harder than first marriages. In fact, studies show that 25% of second marriages fail (as compared to 20% of first marriages), and that second marriages, on average, only last 10.8 years for men and seven years for women.

Why are second marriages more difficult?

  1. We're less innocent. For the first year and a half of our marriage, my husband and I talked about divorce a lot. Actually I did, and my husband would get angry with me. Why did I do that? Well, it was fear. I knew that we had both come from divorced backgrounds, and when troubles came, it was hard to keep believing that we were going to make it. The threat and possibility of divorce loomed over our heads like a curse. Unlike with our first marriages, we were not "starry-eyed" going in. In fact, we had no illusions to break, and that made us tough. I did not want to be hurt again, and so I acted out to prevent that. Am I alone? I don't think so. Second marriages are less innocent and that makes them harder. Although they are trying to love again, both people are scared, and that's not a good way to start a marriage. This might not apply to everyone, but for some people, it can definitely be a factor.
  2. Second marriages are more complicated. Second marriages, especially when children are involved, are very complicated. Your kids must now deal with a new person in their life, and stepparents are now suddenly related to children that they did not create. There are so many variables, and trying to create a new family in the aftermath of a family breakup is never an easy or simple process. When people get married the first time, they usually have some time together before children enter the picture. Or even if they have children right away, they grow with those children. Stepparents, on the other hand, must deal with children from the very start of their marriage and don't have that all-important adjustment period.
  3. History repeats itself. History repeats itself, unless we are healed. When people go through a rough relationship that ends in divorce, it is often because of ingrained patterns. Unless they recognize those patterns, both parties will tend to repeat them. For example, if a woman's insecurity interfered with her first marriage, this same insecurity will affect her second marriage unless she finds a way to heal whatever wounds are causing her insecurity. If a man is too controlling in his first marriage and it drove his wife away, those same tendencies will surface in his second marriage and history will repeat. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, and unless significant healing and change happens within the individual, they are at risk of repeating the cycle. This might be hard to swallow, but it's true.

10. Because You Promised Forever

I,_____, take thee,_____, to my wedded Husband/Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth." (Marriage vows from the Book of Common Prayer.)

The wedding vows. Above all, these are the most important reason not to divorce. If you got married, you promised to stay married forever. That was for richer or poorer (through the financial difficulties), in sickness and in health (even when illness disrupts your life and causes emotional turmoil), for better or worse (through all the problems and all the successes of life).

On that day, we promised that we would love. That we would honour. That we would cherish. These days, the "obey" part is usually replaced with "respect," but the point remains. We would be there for each other, no matter what. We say those words in earnest, never guessing what they will cost us. But the words stand, nonetheless.

Mike Mason, in his incredible book, The Mystery of Marriage: Meditations on the Miracle, talks about how those vows are really impossible standards for anyone to keep. How can we always love, he asks? How can we always honour? Or cherish? Yet, we still make those promises. And those words, he concludes, are what keep us together when nothing else does.

You promised. You promised your spouse, your family, your friends, and yourself. That is the final, most important, and most profound reason not to divorce.

Gleaned from "Gender Differences in the Consequences of Divorce: A Study of Multiple Outcomes" by Thomas Leopold, and "Divorce, Women's Earnings, and Retirement Over the Life Course" by Kenneth Couch.
Gleaned from "Gender Differences in the Consequences of Divorce: A Study of Multiple Outcomes" by Thomas Leopold, and "Divorce, Women's Earnings, and Retirement Over the Life Course" by Kenneth Couch.

More Reasons to Stay Married

Divorce is bad for your health.

Many studies have observed a connection between health and marriage (and a loss of health with divorce). According to BBC News, compared to those who never married, divorced people experience 20% more chronic illnesses like cancer, depression, heart issues, and diabetes.

"Divorce regret" is a very real thing.

And it happens to lots of people. According to a 2016 survey conducted by Seddons, 22% of divorcees have second thoughts and later regret breaking up.

Divorce is not an easy solution.

It might be much simpler to work on your marriage than to throw it all away. Divorce seems like an easy solution, but it's not. Most couples who have lasted say that they had to work through some dark times to get to the good stuff.

How about you?

What is the main reason why you decide to remain married?

See results

5 Dumb Reasons to Divorce

  • "She/he no longer makes me happy." It's your job to make you happy, not your spouse's. If you're not happy then figure out why, but there's no need to blame other people.
  • "We've grown apart." Of course you have. This is inevitable in any longterm relationship. Make being together a priority so you and your spouse have time to reconnect.
  • "I'm bored." Again, a marriage's purpose is not entertainment, and this is not your spouse's responsibility. Face it: life gets boring if you stop doing things to keep it interesting. If you're bored then you need to fill your time with something meaningful... but divorce isn't what I'd call an exciting alternative.
  • "Because all my friends are doing it." Although a recent Pew Research study suggests that divorce might be "contagious" and that if your friends and family are divorcing, it greatly increases the chance that you will, too, this is just not a good reason. If they were all jumping off cliffs or getting body piercings, would you do that, too?
  • “We’re just too different.” Irreconcilable differences are a common reason people use for divorce, but it doesn't make sense if you really think about it. After all, you were two different people when you met so why would you expect that to change? Couples don't need to match, meld, or conform to one another, and no two people agree on everything. If Democrats can marry Republicans and people from dramatically different cultures can peacefully cohabitate, maybe you can, too. Couples that last aren't necessarily the most similar, they're just the most committed, and they remain openminded to and appreciative of difference.

You always knew that "happily ever after" was a fairytale, anyway.
You always knew that "happily ever after" was a fairytale, anyway. | Source

For Those Who Have a Choice

In conclusion, I would like to say that this article has been hard to write, not just because it has been emotional, but because I don't want to be misunderstood. I don't want anyone to be hurt or feel judged by what I am saying.

For anyone already divorced, I recommend moving on and making the best of your life. Heal and live. I do not intend to make anyone feel worse about what's already happened. Similarly, for those in abusive or adulterous situations, I do not mean to guilt you into staying in an impossible situation. Instead, this article is for those who have the choice. I do so want to make that distinction clear.

Disclaimers aside, though, I plead to those who are in the position of considering divorce to consider the cost. It is a huge decision and not one to take lightly. Few, if any, escape unscathed. In fact, it was my current husband who gave me the idea to write this article. We are happily married, but it has been a hard road for both of us to get here. His kids still live with the reality of it, and so do we. My husband wanted people to know how hard divorce is, so I share the credit for this story with him.

Before you divorce, be sure to consider the consequences, because they are serious.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Questions & Answers

  • Is it bad to divorce while grieving? My mom passed away, and my daughter moved away.

    Thanks so much for taking the time to write. I am sorry for the loss of your mother.

    Experts advise to never make any life decisions when you are in the middle of grieving because you are not yourself during this time and may strongly regret it later.

    Grief itself can be hard on a marriage and make it hard to reach out to your partner. So, I would suggest waiting for a while until you make this kind of decision.

© 2010 Sharilee Swaity

Comments

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    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      2 months ago from Canada

      @Robin wei, thanks for your comment. If the children hate one of the parents, it sounds like there is a lot of division already, and family counselling might be a good idea. Thanks again.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      2 months ago from Canada

      @Renee, thanks so much for your comment. I am glad to hear you have a solid relationship. Your comment about infedility is interesting. I know some people definitely find a way to forgive and stay together but I know others find it too hard to do. Have a wonderful night!

    • profile image

      Renee 

      3 months ago

      This is a great article. I've been married over 25 years...and there are ups and downs along they way. I would even say that an incident of infidelity, if it stemmed from problems in the relationship (and not just from someone being totally selfish), should be/could be forgiven.

    • profile image

      robin wei 

      4 months ago

      what if the kids hate the Mom/Dad and want a divorce to stay on the Dad/Mom's side?

    • profile image

      Christopher Johnston 

      5 months ago

      This is a ridiculous article with consequences of a divorce listed out as reasons to drive fear into people. And "5 dumb reasons"? Are you seriously not even considering your words?

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      8 months ago from Canada

      Heather, that is a huge decision, and it is hard for someone over the Internet to know enough details to advise you. First of all, I am so sorry for you and your family's pain through all of this. I would strongly advise trying to find some good counselling where they will help you work through a decision about your marriage.

      Here a couple of things to consider.

      Drug abuse often leads to abuse or sometimes even adultery. I believe that God releases people who are being constantly abused or cheated on.

      The Word says that if a non-believer departs, to let them go, and that a person is no longer under bondage. Considering that your spouse has been under the strong influence of drugs, would you consider them a non-believer?

      These are a couple of points to consider. Divorce is a huge decision but living with an addict is also a terrible life, too, and it is exposing your children to that lifestyle, too.

      Whatever you decide, pray through everything carefully, and most importantly, seek help. Take care, my friend.

    • profile image

      Samira 

      8 months ago

      I am not happy with my married life

    • profile image

      Heather 

      8 months ago

      I'm married to an addict, addicted to drugs. We have many children and we have had no sex life for the past several years. I'm miserable with him and his choices. In a Christian and I make sure our children are in church, but he doesn't go anymore. He hasn't been faithful in church for several years. I'm a stay at home mom so I feel trapped and being a Christian it is frowned on to get divorced, but I only stay for my kids. Help me make a decision.

    • profile image

      MILES 

      10 months ago

      Do you have any problem bothering you?

      Do you want to win the lottery?

      Do you have any illness?

      Are you depressed?

      Do you need healing?

      Do you want to bring back your ex?

      Or you need to conceive etc.

      I bring good news; Dr Ilekhojie the great psychic/spell-caster will help you. He is very good in spells, so he is recommended

      from far and near. Talk to him today, he will

      be able to help you. You privacy is placed

      Strictly confidential. Email him on: gethelp05@gmail.com don’t die with your illness, voice out...you deserve to be happy!

    • profile image

      Maggie 

      11 months ago

      This is awsome I hope this convinces my dad not to divorce my mom.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      14 months ago from Canada

      @b.g., Thanks for your comment. I know that not everyone will agree with me, and that's okay. I appreciate you reading the article and considering the points. All the best in the future.

    • profile image

      b.g. 

      14 months ago

      marriage doesn't "give you a place in this world" to be taken away by divorce. I already had a place in the world.

      I thought this article might change my mind, but that really just cemented it more.

    • profile image

      Christina.perry@yahoo.com 

      19 months ago

      Very true

    • profile image

      Theresa Jonathan 

      2 years ago

      I like your four exclusions. I got separated and then got back after ten years. My personal analysis was that, deforce could be avoided if both parties do not attempt to change the other. When both learn to forgive and really turn a new page when apology has been expressed. When we predominantly chose to offer the best of each day, really consciously looking for thoughts, words and actions that would make the other smile. When both talk, I mean really talk from the heart and intentionally seek to love not look for blemishes or retaliation to satisfy the ego.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      2 years ago from Canada

      Paula, I am so sorry for your situation. I believe that in the case of adultery, you are free of this man and I hope you can get away as soon as possible so that you can begin healing. I agree that God is not honoured by this behaviour and you deserve so much more. Please do take care and do what you need to do to get safe.

    • profile image

      Paula 

      2 years ago

      My husband, of 26 years, while perusing and before marrying me, hid the truth that I was his "5th" marriage, 4th wife, and he had conceived a child by a mistress [who he claims tricked him by getting pregnant] and; that as a result of sexual abuse by a relative, he has homosexual tendencies, [buying women's glasses, pink nail clippers, women's make bags, famine oriented notebooks and journals [which he claims he "found" in the "give away and trash"] and which he's secretly exhibiting [behind our home and our church doors]. He watched and enjoyed "Broke Back Mountain" three times [once alone and twice asking me to watch with him]; has not been interested sexually with me in the past 10 years, is not affectionate, complimentary, wants no physical contact, non-communicative, and verbally demeaning, and most of all, is a minister, leader, elder in our church, which forbids divorce. So, tell me WHY I should remain in this conundrum p? I've been suicidal, homicidal, and chronically depressed. I'm calling IT QUITS. I'M DONE. This is not marriage after God's order. He lied, withheld pertinent information that would have required significant counseling from our church President and Director. I'm going to reclaim my life, domestically, physically, and most importantly: MY SOUL'S SALVATION. I'm DONE. PROMISE OR NO DARNED PROMISE. ABIGAIL GOT AWAY FROM NABAL, AND I'M GETTING AWAY FROM THIS BEAST IN THE NSME OF THE LORD AND FOR THE GLORY OF GOD, Because GOD is not glorified by this blight upon His most holy name.

    • profile image

      married4life 

      2 years ago

      This is an excellent article for anyone who is considering a divorce. It is important to try to save a marriage if you can. Marriage has many ups and downs, and it's important to understand this. You will not be happily married everyday of your life, but the good does outweigh the bad. So focus on the good and your marriage will be good. Stay positive about your spouse and try to see the good and not the bad.

    • Matty Fernandez profile image

      Matty Navarro 

      2 years ago from New Jersey

      Almost all relationships can be restored, saved, and divorce prevented. It takes two to tango, so both must agree. Sometimes people have no choice because their partner made the choice for them. Great hub!

    • profile image

      A Real Good Answer 

      2 years ago

      And what about many of us very good innocent men that had our wives cheated on us? It is very unfortunate that they turned out to be real filthy whores that we never knew since that is when many of us did go for the divorce which in my case i certainly did right away. It is very sad in my case since i was very committed, loving, and very caring as well as having a lot of respect for her at that time before this happened to me unfortunately since i was the real faithful husband from the very beginning to the very end which really devastated me altogether. And for the men and women that were so very extremely blessed by God to have met one another which you really can say that your life is very much complete when our life very much sucks right now which is real very sad for us too since many of us weren't to blame at all. It is too very bad that many of us can't go back in time to start all over again when most of the good old fashioned women were around since finding real true love really happened for our family members which even now many of them are still together now as i speak which is very amazing too. Most of the women in those days were the very best of all and they did certainly put the women of today to real shame as well.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      2 years ago from Canada

      Dear Bib,

      I hope it does help your friend see what she is going into. How nice of you to be concerned for your friend. Take care and thanks so much for the comment.

    • profile image

      Bib 

      2 years ago

      Good article! I hopw this will enlighten my friend, she has to hear it from someone who experienced the path that she's going to take

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      2 years ago from Canada

      @Ranay Judd, thanks so much for taking the time to let me know that my comment was helpfut to you. Have a wonderful day!

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      2 years ago from Canada

      @Alicia, thanks so much for your comment. The Bible does say that if your spouse departs, you are not under bondage. Also Jesus talks about "except fornication," so there are some exceptions in the Bible, I believe. Thanks so much for your comment and I apologize for taking so long to respond.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      2 years ago from Canada

      @Judy, thanks so much for the comment! I completely agree with your assessment of why many marriages don't work. When we are married, it takes a lot of humility and self-control sometimes to control our anger and annoyance at a partner but when we both work at it, it is worth it. So happy for you, that you are able to make things work. Take care and I apologize for not getting back to this comment sooner. I don't go on Hubpages much anymore. Take care!

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      2 years ago from Canada

      @CHARLIE BRODEUX, thanks so much for your comment. I apologize for not replying sooner -- I have been away from Hubpages and haven't been replying to comments. You make a very good point about couples that never get along. I understand -- my parents were the same way, too, so I understand that sometimes marriage itself seems worse than divorce. What I am trying to do in this article, though, is just help people to consider carefully before they divorce and not do it lightly. Either way, when a couple doesn't get along, whether married or divorced, they hurt the children. Again, thanks for your comment.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      2 years ago from Canada

      AJShippy, I apologize for not getting back to you. I have been away from Hubpages and not really monitoring these comments. I will answer anyway, even just for others who may be reading this.

      I hope that you were able to get better communication with your wife. I think people are scared to talk about issues because it makes them feel out of control and they don't want to fight. Have you considered a small round of marriage counselling to try to break the logjam between the two of you? You say the problems are minor, so perhaps a few sessions might help.

      Thanks for the comment and I apologize that it was not answered in a timely manner.

    • profile image

      Ranay Judd 

      2 years ago

      Thank-you, I have been married for 28 yrs, 3 children, and 1 beautiful granddaughter. Divorce has been contemplated many times by me. Ive been blessed and encouraged by your words.

    • profile image

      Vik 

      2 years ago

      Thanks a lot for this emotional post. I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. The suggestions helped a lot. This post came in as a gods blessing for me that helped me take the right decision.

      - V

    • profile image

      Craig 

      2 years ago

      I am a divorced dad. This was an awesome piece. God Himself also, like this author, can only make hopeful suggestions; the married couple will always have to work out between themselves the final reality. Anyone that has been there knows this article was only written in pure love

    • profile image

      Jessic 

      2 years ago

      What a load of craps! I see someone still lives in the 50's lol

    • profile image

      zhang xiao 

      3 years ago

      @AJSHIPPY. Hi there, my husband and i had the same problem. i wanted to try very hard to make our marriage, he just refused. he want to get out and heal and continue the rest of his life. how did your turn out?

      pls advise

    • profile image

      Say No To Divorce 

      3 years ago

      Hi prairie princess, thank-you for writing this article it is very good topic and will help many people who are on the fence about getting a divorce. When there are children involved a divorce is a whole new topic as opposed to people who don’t have children involved. When children are involved it will affect their lives, in fact as they get older and are more accustomed to a family life it is even harder than when they are younger and have no recollection of an intact family life. Couldn't agree with you more. Divorce is a terrible curse and if you have it then it's a crime shame. I do hope you and your husband survive the second marriage thing. Very well written hub. If you have more interesting, feel free to enter my blog and post something on it.

    • profile image

      debgisbert@yahoo.com 

      3 years ago

      I agree with "stop reading at effective". Hopefully that was a spell check mistake, doubtful though,

      Author's insight is limited, immature and misses a plethora of information that causes conflict. Hope her, I guess, second husband is a simpleton for her sake

    • profile image

      Robert from TX 

      3 years ago

      I'm separated as I type this. I'm taking it real hard my wife I don't know. We have a 5 yr. old lill girl and her son is 13. I been in his life since he was 3 .He's like my son. I suffer with PTSD and many other medical conditions. I'm also considered to be disabled by the VA. I know I didn't show my wife the attention she deserved. That is why we are separated an going for divorce. I moved out of her mothers house we rented with my disability check. I moved out on a Saturday . The following Sunday . She had someone moved in already . I know if him she left her Facebook open on laptop. I saw messages between her an her best friend. She left in a Thursday for Dallas "to get some d***. They came back Sunday together. He has no Job no driving licence. My wife tells her family an my family. I am grown, I do what I want. Her parents no pay for everything in the house including there own place. Ok rant over please email comments to RWGeorge324@mail.com or call 254)780-7815 if don't answer please leave a message. Thank you all and God bless.

    • profile image

      dwells 

      3 years ago

      This is a terrible article... encouraging unhappy people to stay in bad marriages ....because of pressure to fit in, conformity, family ties.... that friends and family no longer want you in their lives because you get a divorce? This is rubbish. You will do more damage to your children staying in a bad marriage for these reasons

    • profile image

      Greg 

      3 years ago

      Superb summary of reasons to work on saving a marriage!

      Reason 1 should be enough by itself.

      I made the mistake of thinking/assuming that she was already down with all of these reasons.

      As a child of divorce i was very aware of the affect on kids, had shared those feelings with her and we had even agreed not to let this happen for his sake.

      But she never personally knew of the pain of a child of divorce. She had grown up with an abusive father who beat her mother (her mother was familiar to abuse from her own childhood so loyally stayed with him to this day) and they never separated.

      She said that I 'failed to fulfil her dreams' and she viewed the grass was greener on the other side. Instead of watering our grass, she jumped the fence. She said 'if you don't leave quietly we will do it the hard way'. I said wtf and begged to stay for our son's sake, so she scammed a domestic violence order against me (oh the irony) which kicked me out of the family home and let her keep all my stuff.

      Divorce (except for the justifiable reasons you gave) is just so damned selfish. Marriage is the most important contract one can enter into, but it seems to be worth nothing today. Having kids should take it to a whole new level of commitment. But there are no consequences for breaking the contract. Maybe it should include "Till the kids are happily married with their own family do us part"

      Instead, we have no fault divorce, ashley maddison running amok, silver bullet intervention orders, the state acting as sugar daddy paying her to deny my son's access to me and a family court designed to line the lawyers pockets. Kids get shafted. No one else stood up for my son's right to a family. He is a victim of her selfishness, the step-state and the meat grinding divorce industry.

      I regret not finding your article and presenting it to her before she went nuclear. At the end though the dollar signs in her eyes prevented her from thinking rationally, so in hindsight I wish I had gauged her understanding and agreement to it before our engagement, signed it into a memorandum of understanding, had a copy attached to our marriage certificate, and monthly re-readings.

    • svart787 profile image

      svart787 

      3 years ago

      This was brilliant, and thank you. I was expecting a sappy commercialized 10 things article. Instead, I read through a real and balanced well thought out advice column.

      I couldn't help ticking off each thing on the list. and thinking of what it took me to throw out the list and seek the divorce. I think my situation was for the best interest of my child, even if I never marry again. This is coming from someone who wanted a family.

      This week I will be in custody negotiations, and I have mixed feelings. I'm going into it thinking of my kid and thinking of what will work for her. She needs both of us, and she wants both of us to be together. Primarily, she needs both her parents mentally fit and thinking of her, and together we weren't doing that. It breaks my heart.

      Thank you for your article, I think it will give me balance in the upcoming weeks. Even though it is a stern warning of how harsh reality is, it is oddly refreshing to see my own thoughts about the subject reflected through someone else's experience. I don't feel so alone.

    • profile image

      ECD 

      3 years ago

      Thank you so much for this article. You have helped me make a decision not to divorce my husband. Thank you thank you Thank you. I will stay married forever.

    • profile image

      Alicia 

      4 years ago

      No remarriage unless spouse is deceased.Read the Bible in Romans 7:2-3!

      Mark 10:11-12!

      1 Corinthians 7:39!

    • profile image

      Judy 

      4 years ago

      What a great article. I am the child of divorced parents - the argument that children are happier if the parents are getting divorced only stands if none of the parents are at least trying to make it work. Shouting and screaming at each other is not what I would classify as "trying to make it work". If you don't want to change, don't expect anything to change in your marriage. If just one of you tries to make it work without pointing the finger at the other person, that that's the first step to improvement. "But I'm unhappy!" - well, should have thought about that before you took off your rose-tinted glasses...I have seen so many marriages falling apart and in every single one of them I could see the signs before they got married, and when a good friend tried to give them advise, the felt patronized. Sorry guys, the ones here who selfishly say that divorce is the only option and it doesn't matter what the kids feel, should really take long hard look at themselves. I have been married for 5 years now and I do struggle to not be snappy when I am in a bad mood. But I always apologize and I try hard to change. My husband is incredibly patient and when he is moody I try to be kind. These things are part of a relationship! Get over it. (I am not talking about clearly abusive relationships by the way). Don't get married if you can't deal with the inconveniences of marriage!

    • profile image

      CHARLIE BRODEUX 

      4 years ago

      This article is totally one sided. I dated a woman for 9 years, and her parents never divorced, despite the fact that they got along like cats and dogs. This tore her apart. She always felt caught in the middle, and always told me that she wished they would just divorce, so she didn't have to see them miserable together. How is a child suppose to deal with that situation? Nobody wants a divorce, everyone wants to live a happy and healthy life. Staying married for the kids is not fair to anyone, because a dysfunctional family also leads to bad grades, drugs, alcohol, mental and physical abuse.

    • profile image

      AJSHIPPY 

      4 years ago

      This article points out some excellent facts and puts divorce in a more real perspective for someone who is facing divorce in the near future. Communication is the key in all aspects of marriage, whether things are going good or divorce is looking to be the next step. In my case I just cant find a way to get my spouse to communicate in a productive manner. She refuses any type counseling or any type of confronting our issues at all. Anyone out there have/had this same kind of problems? I would love to save my marriage but am running out of patience and ideas of getting my spouse to actually talk about our issues, which by the way are extremely minor in my eyes. Typically just everyday life struggles seem to beat us up and we never see them eye to eye. Love is still there as is hope. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @g.n., I appreciate you pointing that mistake out to me, so much! This hub sat for nearly four years without anyone noticing my editing mistake. Thanks again, and Happy Thanksgiving!

    • profile image

      gn 

      5 years ago

      Stopped reading at "EFFECTED"...

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @Therese, thank you so much for your excellent points. Yes, marriage is a very private affair, and we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. And it is almost impossible to truly explain to the children sufficiently. And yes, another good point: that divorce forces us to re-define our concepts of love and trust. Take care and thanks for adding to the discussion.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @Raul Sierra, collateral damage is an excellent term to describe what happens in a divorce. And that cost should be considered. Thanks so much for the comment and I do apologize for taking so long to get back to you. Take care.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @Cloudlee, thank you for your comment! I strongly agree that we must remember our vows. I think they are conveniently forgotten far too often. Take care and have a wonderful night. I apologize for taking so long to get back to you.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @Lapse, thank you so much for your kind comment. And yes, it is so important to consider the children in this decision. Take care!

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @fpherj48, so nice to see you here, my friend! Thank you for your support on the article. I am so glad it resonated with you. Take care, and I apologize for taking so, so long to respond. Have been away and the comments piled up. Now trying to dig my way out. Have a good night!

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @Aneegma, thanks so much for your comment and I do apologize for taking so long to get back to you. Yes, being married to a divorced man can be a very painful thing. I did write a hub about that subject, too. It makes so hard on the next marriage, because the divorce was so painful for so many divorcees. Take care.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @Bonny, thank you for your excellent point. Yes, culture does really effect our decisions concerning marriage and divorce. Someone from a more traditional culture often feels a lot of social pressure to stay married, while someone working in a modern office may feel pressures to cheat and not be as faithful to their spouse.

      And yes, I agree that a move away from faith has really brought down our family values. Thank you again for a great comment, and take care!

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @Monika, people will do what they feel is best with their lives. I just think it's important to really consider the cost of the decision. Have a wonderful day, and I do apologize for the long delay in responding.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @Stephen, that's awesome! God can do wonderful things and forgiveness is more powerful than anything. Glad for you ... you are blessed. Take care.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @cbb, I agree. Our happiness has to come from within. We can't look to someone else to produce all of our happiness. This attitude has created a throw-away society in many ways. Thanks for your comment and some good old-fashioned common sense!

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @True, cheating is definitely a reason to obtain a divorce and unfortunately, both men and women are cheating more these days. Thank you for your comment.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @Jdalia, I am sorry for what you are going through. I know you probably won't read this comment because I am so late responding, but in case you do, my heart goes out to you and don't be feel bad for your grief. Take care.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @Kathleen, my heart goes out to your family, as I am sure it was hard on all of you. It sounds like it was a very painful situation, and not an easy choice to make. I did not write the article to judge, but just to give some food for thought to those who are contemplating this decision. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I apologize so much for taking so long to reply and publish this comment. I have been away from HP for almost a year, and all the comments piled up. Take care!

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      Henry, I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. I had not been on for a long time, and all of the comments piled up.

      First of all, thank you so much for the comment. Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to leave are up to each individual. Only each of us knows what decision we need to make. Take care.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      Georgina, sorry for what you went through with your parents. I agree that people should find more than just one reason to stay together ... if they stay together for the sake of the kids, and never find a way to love each other again, I can see how that it would be very hurtful for you. Thank you for your comment and take care. I do apologize for not getting back to you sooner.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @LadyEllie, wow! You tell your story so well, and it sounds like you have been able to heal from all that mess. Sorry for what you went through ... it sounds like you had it all. I am so glad that you were able to bounce back and laugh about it. It sounds like you are better off without someone like that, although at the time, it was hard to see it. Thanks so much for your kind comments, and I apologize for taking almost a year to get back to you. I was away for almost a year, and all of the comments piled up. Take care!

    • Theresa Jonathan profile image

      Theresa Jonathan 

      5 years ago from Maseru, Lesotho

      Marriage is an institution of secrecy; some of the issues are really private and it is hart to explain to your children why you have to leave. I do agree that children must be protected from experiencing constant negative emotions. I know what it means to be caught in that situation. You wonder what happened to the man who declared undying love. You simply engage in redefining concepts like love, honor and respect. The most difficult to restore is trust. Deep down you cannot trust your spouse as before the hurts and fights.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @far, I do believe that I addressed the benefits within the article, but I will reiterate. The benefits of not divorcing are that the kids get to keep their family intact, that you are saved the expense, that you get to keep your word, that you are not going to be impacted by the social effects of divorce. The benefits are listed throughout the article. Thanks for your comment.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @Paul, thanks for sharing your story. I like your comment, that it's "cheaper to keep them." That's funny but it is true, too. And I know what you mean about people being "martyrs" to stay in a bad relationship. It sometimes can feel like that, I know. But getting out of it also does have a huge cost. Thanks so much for your comment and have a wonderful day.

      p.s. Sorry for the very long delay in responding to your comment. I was away for quite a while, and am still catching up on comments. Take care.

      +

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @shekatie, thanks so much for letting me know you enjoyed the hub. I apologize for taking so long t get back to you. Take care!

    • Raul Sierra profile image

      Raul Sierra Jr 

      5 years ago from El Paso, Texas

      Extremely relevant piece.

      Although I know there are reasons divorce is more than just an option, it's necessary, I agree there is a lot of collateral damage that should be considered when making the tough decision.

      Thanks for sharing your experience

    • Theresa Jonathan profile image

      Theresa Jonathan 

      5 years ago from Maseru, Lesotho

      One should not rush or out of marriage! It should not be emotions alone; one needs to pray! Very good hub!

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      5 years ago from Canada

      @MoveAlong, I would agree that if there is verbal abuse, that is a reason to leave. Verbal blows are often just as, if not more, harmful than physical ones. I do think, however, that it is beneficial to try counselling to see if an agreement can be reached. Thanks so much for your comment. I apologize for my very late response. I have been away from this site for quite some time, and am now trying to catch up on comments. Take care!

    • Cloudlee profile image

      Cloudlee 

      5 years ago from Vietnam

      Hey, you should never get divorce. Remember the vow you made in your wedding! Once marriage, it means to live and to die together

    • Lapse profile image

      Lapse 

      5 years ago from East Coast Rules

      Good Hub. Kids has to be #1 and the rest is debatable. Enjoyed how comprehensive it was.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 

      5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      prairieprincess.....Am pleased I stumbled upon this older hub of yours. Very very realistic and I commend you on your wisdom. Anyone and everyone even contemplating divorce should read this. Seriously.

      I cannot tell you how many times I've been in discussions with women who have said they sincerely REGRET having divorced. This includes me.

      This is very well written. UP+++tweeted

    • Aneegma profile image

      Merida Craze 

      5 years ago

      Couldn't agree with you more. Divorce is a terrible curse and if you have it then it's a crime shame. I dated a divorced man with children and it was the biggest mistake of my life and its because of all these points. I even wrote a hub about it so I totally agree with you. I do hope you and your husband survive the second marriage thing. Very well written hub.

    • profile image

      GetOverIt 

      5 years ago

      What s bunch of BS.

    • profile image

      Bonny 

      5 years ago

      Culture is also important. European and American cultures see monogamy as something not natural. There is a lot of sexual freedom and no value for chastity. They cannot do this cause they don't honor or accept the existence of God.

      Men don't want a virgin as their wife nor is the woman intrested in such a man.

      99% of the people do what is called an adjustment, and in an adjustment the problem never goes out. The main issue is the lack of godliness in our lives.For most people the concept of god is bullshit and they don't honor him and no wonder what paul says in his letter to Romans is happening.

      Times are coming when it will be difficult for a father to find a hetrosexual husband for his daughter or otherwise.

      Everybody speaks why we should not divorce and gives a lot of reasons, but nobody knows how to avoid such a circumstance.

      I remember hearing a song from george hamilton who sings the answer is so simple - just a little bit of sunday every day.

      God bless you all

    • profile image

      stephen 

      5 years ago

      Don't know! Might have misunderstood! No devorce, at all! I had addiction, I cheated, God intervened,now we have the most AWESOME marriage In exsistance!

    • profile image

      Monika 

      5 years ago

      Honestly, I think if you are miserable married, for heavens sake get divorce. I don't think anybody expects divorce to be easy, but sometimes people are alot happier after. It's not good for the kids either to live with parents who are fighting or unhappy with each other.

    • profile image

      Linda 

      5 years ago

      The best way to avoid all the above is to choose your partner based on reality and not empty social values like" I have to marry by 30,I have to be married because it is what I am supposed to do etc"...or immaturity such as " we have been dating for so long, he has to marry me, etc".

      No matter how much all the women and men in denial want to argue about this, the facts are too clear to ignore. Failed marriages come from failed relationships. It's that simple.

      If you have to hint, ask, push, ask the family to put pressure on the guy to marry you, your relationship will never work.

      If you are getting married to someone you have compromise on key factors just because its "time" to get married, your relationship will never work.

      Don't marry someone you are expecting to change, don't marry someone you have to induce directly or indirectly to ask you.. if you've already done that, then divorce. Children will suffer just the same if you stay in a miserable relationship. If someone asked you for a divorce, look back at the relationship and see it for what it really was, or you are gonna end up like the person who wrote this article - bitter and attached to someone who is long gone. You ll waist the rest of your life, instead of taking the second change you were given to try again.

    • profile image

      cbb 

      5 years ago

      I laugh at the psych major who posted "if you are not happy get a divorce." What an idiot.

      Who is responsible for your happiness? You. If you arent happy in your marriage maybe instead of divorce you look at your own faults first. Then communicate with your spouse.

      How about trying to work on your relationship vs abandoning it.

      And to the psych major, if you're mom had known it would be difficult to care for you as a baby she would have gotten an abortion. Because if something is difficult today is best to just give up and quit vs be accountable to yourself or anyone else.

    • profile image

      True 

      6 years ago

      Well many women are Cheating nowadays, and that would certainly do it.

    • profile image

      True 

      6 years ago

      Well many women like to Cheat nowadays, and that would certainly do it.

    • profile image

      jdalia 

      6 years ago

      i am devaststed

    • Kathleen Cochran profile image

      Kathleen Cochran 

      6 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      You covered a great deal of good information in this hub. You are exactly right that every situation is different. Before my daughter was unfortunate enough to fall in love with a man who was emotionally incapable of loving her back, I would have agreed with much of this hub. She didn't want her children to grow up thinking this was what marriage was. And her ex has become a better father alone than he ever was when they were married and he forced the Mom to do all the parenting. Now that he JUST HAS TO have his children half the time he is forced to actually parent them.

      Staying together for the children doesn't fool anybody. But those of us who have suffered through one of these would be the first to advise that divorce is horrible and avoid it at all costs. But if a situation is hopeless, you owe it to yourself and your children to seek a better life.

    • profile image

      Henrymorton 

      6 years ago

      I think when one takes you for granted despite several pleas its time to move on. Some people think because of the pain of divorce they have to keep you hostage. If someone feels like talking to them to change is manipulation and intimidation then let it be, let them feel free of manipulation and intimidation by getting the divorce. The children will understand one day that someone did not do their part.

    • profile image

      Georgina 

      6 years ago

      Never stay together for children it is theost damaging thing my parents ever did

    • profile image

      LadyEllie 

      6 years ago

      Nice hub...and of course I just wanted to put my dollar in...

      After being cast aside like an old chair by my ex husband for a younger trade-off, I can testify to the damage that pain does to you emotionally, socially, physically and spiritually.

      My ex was a real piece of work in letting the small town we lived in know, that he's a cheating pig! He caroused about like he was some big shot doing something great. While I was at home cooking, cleaning, attending and spiritually nourishing our 3 kids...this clown took the opportunity to exploit "his" free time. (Of course you can run about town without any distractions...the wife is at home holding down the fort...duh)

      Anyhoo...to make a long story short, he ran off with his skank and left me and the kids to fend on our own. I cannot even begin to tell you what that did to my children, especially my pre-teen daughter!

      I tried to save my marriage as best as I could believe me. I searched all

      types of options. This man acted like I was the enemy, like I was the cheating party and should not be given any consideration.

      I did not want a divorce attached to my name! My parents have been married for 55 years and his for 50. No broken home backgrounds here.

      And when he left, he took all his money with him, to live a life he should have already experienced 20 + years previously. How do you destroy your family unit, abandon your offspring without any shame or sense of guilt?

      One of the harder parts of that situation is the treatment of so called friends afterwards. When I just wanted a shoulder to cry on, or some type of counsel, spiritual uplifting...I got treated like the bad guy!!

      No more social invites, no more kiddie play dates, girlfriend afternoons. Not only was I stripped of my MRS. SOMEBODY status, my "worth" went into a downward spiral like I was no longer viable as a friend, and my children were not good enough to play and mingle with the kids who still have their dads! WOW!

      So I have experienced the total ugliness of divorce on many levels.

      It's a painful thing, and when you've got kids, they hurt too! (sigh)

      Oh well...as they say...."time heals all wounds".....(but just don't pick at the scabs.)

    • profile image

      far 

      6 years ago

      well can i ask if what is the benefits for not getting divorce????

    • Paul Kuehn profile image

      Paul Richard Kuehn 

      6 years ago from Udorn City, Thailand

      This is an awesome hub and I can really identify with what you say having been married more than once. A friend once said that it's "cheaper to keep them" rather than divorcing. He was so correct. I really believe that a person has to be a martyr to stay in a marriage which has so many trials and tribulations. It's undoubtedly the selfish nature of people which makes them even consider divorce. Years ago and even in some countries today, couples stayed or stay together because there is an understanding that a man may take a minor wife. In a situation like this, the major wife made the sacrifice of allowing her husband to have a mistress. Marriage is definitely a lot of give and take, and yes, there are a lot of unhappy people living together because they are martyrs and don't want to hurt their kids or screw up their financial situation. Voted up and sharing with followers.

    • shekatie profile image

      Kia L 

      6 years ago from Somewhere in the Midwest

      Enjoyed this hub!

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      6 years ago from Canada

      @Becky Allan, I appreciate your comments so much, especially the part about making sure we do the best we can to make the marriage succeed. And no, we definitely cannot settle for a terrible marriage. That is too much for anyone. But there are many strategies for making a marriage better, if one is willing to try.

      Again, thank you for your support, and I feel for your situation, too. I know it is difficult to live with a previously divorced spouse, too, because of all the complications. Take care.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      6 years ago from Canada

      @Kawaii, I apologize for not getting back to you. Yes, there is hope for marriages, and divorce should be carefully considered, because the consequences are severe. Thank you so much for your comments.

    • profile image

      MoveAlong 

      6 years ago

      All effort should be given to resolve discord in a marriage. Still, if the parents are yelling and fighting habitually (even without violence) the kids would be better off with two solitary parents whom are well-adjusted and content in life, rather than to be with two embittered and embattled parents staying together for a non-existant marriage.

    • profile image

      BeckyAllen 

      6 years ago

      Sorry, new here....I unsuccessfully tried editing the comment below, so please forgive the redundancy but here is the new & improved comment.

      I think it's important to note that staying in a marriage isn't the same thing as, nor does it mean, that you have to put up with the marriage "as is." The 10 reasons given above ARE very valid considerations to stay married, but I don't think the author inferred that any one of those 10 items was reason enough to put up with an unhappy marriage or be consigned to a life of misery. The above list should OPEN OUR EYES to the effects of divorce and should serve to MOTIVATE us to do WHATEVER IT TAKES and ALL THAT IS WITHIN OUR POWER to strive for a better marriage....even if that means we, ourselves must TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for our own contributions to the marriage and we ourselves may need to do some changing.

      I agree with the article that few escape unscathed. My own children are being affected and my husband and I aren't even divorced (from each other). My kids have to grow up knowing their father was once divorced, and it's my job to help them make sense of their world -- a world that includes half-sisters, an exwife, and yes, even financial reprecussions.

      For Lady Wordsmith, your own comments (and apparent "okayness" with them) show the damage your parent's divorce has had on you (and society in general)....you may think you survived without injury, but in reality your own beliefs and perceptions have been forever influenced. The fact that you are okay with "lack of love" being a good enough reason to divorce shows how the meaning of "vow" has deteriorated. It also diminishes the value of marriage in the first place, because any long-term married couple will tell you....the marker of a good marriage is not love but commitment. Sure love is important, and love may be what started your relationship in the first place, but love is an unsteady emotion. Commitment is a choice. Many marriages will tell you that love happens in cycles, it's something that has to be tended, and if we all relied on love, then we all might as well head to the courthouse because you WILL INEVITABLY have your love challenged in marriage. To go into a marriage thinking otherwise is to not be fully aprised of all that marriage entails.

      Marriage is the hardest job in the world. Many people say parenting is the hardest job, and while I agree parenting is a pretty close 2nd, I must say Marriage is harder, because of the CHOICE aspect. Sure we chose whether or not we become parents, but once we have kids there's no going back. In marriage, the decision to continue the marriage or contemplate divorce is our very own and ever present. To CHOSE to stay requires so much more effort, but can also give you so much more in return.

      I would challenge anyone reading this article to take to heart the effects of divorce for they ARE VERY REAL. But also, not to settle for a bad marriage. THERE IS HOPE, ALWAYS.

    • profile image

      Kawaii 

      6 years ago

      Eliper...thank you for sharing....there IS HOPE....no matter what choice you make, make the best of it. I agree with the article, though that it's a choice that REQUIRES very careful consideration...and the bottom line is many people who think divorce is the answer, live to regret it.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      6 years ago from Canada

      @Marion, I think the vows are the most important part, really, but they are not honoured much in our society anymore. I included them last because I thought people might relate more to the others, but I agree with you -- you promised!!! And if the three A's are not there, why not stick with it? Thanks again for the comment, and I think we really agree on this one. Take care!

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      6 years ago from Canada

      @Maggie, there definitely has been quite a few reactions on this hub, but I find it great that at least people are reading it. Thank you so much for your kind comments -- they really made my day. Take care!

    • marion langley profile image

      marion langley 

      6 years ago from The Study

      I am so glad you stated that last reason...the vows! I'm watching so many divorce and it's so painful. Everyone has their reasons but seriously...vows!!! I attended a number of these ceremonies that are now being disavowed and it's like hey...I was a witness to these promises...you are choosing to lie to every person who attended the wedding. Minus those that qualify for your thoughtful disclaimers which I agree with. Thanks for writing such an applicable hub for these times.

    • Maggie Bennett profile image

      Maggie Bennett 

      6 years ago from New York

      This is an awesome hub. Congratulations on writing about a Hot Button Topic for sure. You made some very valid points. This hub may actually save quite a few marriages.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      6 years ago from Canada

      @KateSmith, not everyone will have the same story but for many people, it is a very difficult situation. As for the guilt factor, I am sorry if it appeared I was trying to make people feel guilty. I wasn't at all -- but just giving someone pause for thought if they had not made their decision yet.

      There are many studies that back up what I am saying, many quoted throughout the article. I am a very educated woman, and I read and research constantly. I have a degree in Education and have read many articles/books on this topic. But of course, even the experts don't agree on everything.

      This is one article from a professional mediator that spent her whole career mediating with families: http://www.mediate.com/articles/psych.cfm

      Here is another one from Psychology Today about the trauma on children experience from divorce: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-doesnt-ki...

      I do appreciate your comment so much. I know there are many opinions on this topic and there is no way we all agree. I do respect your views and am glad you stopped by.

    • prairieprincess profile imageAUTHOR

      Sharilee Swaity 

      6 years ago from Canada

      @Amanda, I agree. Saving the marriage is good if it it is at all possible. Thanks for the comment.

      @Flourish, exactly ... it is a difficult process and the article is meant to make someone think about the consequences, because many might not realize the repercussions until damage has already been done. And yes, I have definitely received some disagreement. I guess it is a pretty controversial topic. Thanks for the comment!

    • profile image

      katesmith2677 

      6 years ago

      I have to be honest and find this article very self serving to whatever is going on in YOUR life. You say "not to feel guilty but here are alllll the reasons why you should". Major double talk going on here. really disgusted by this article.

      i agree, try to work a marriage out but if it cant be, there is no reason to post on all the "awful" reasons. Really, go back to school, get a psych degree, do more research on all the studies of divorce and learn that there is no cookie cutter to any of it. Its not one size fits all. each story has its own ending. Some are horrible, some are just fine.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 

      6 years ago from USA

      Wow have you put up with the comments here. I get your point - try really hard not to get a divorce and do serious soul searching before going there. It's expensive, messes with your mind and that of the kids, and life will never be the same.

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