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Ten Reasons Not to Get a Divorce

Updated on October 17, 2016

I think the average couple in today's world has thought about divorce at least once during their marriage. For some, divorce is a constant threat. For others, divorce feels like their only hope. Whether you have thought about divorce once or you think about it every day, this article gives ten good reasons not to divorce.

I start with the disclaimer that both my husband and I are divorced. But for both us, we did not choose it. Our spouses chose it and we had to live with it. If your partner chooses to end the marriage, you cannot force them to stay married.

One more disclaimer. If a partner is any of the following, I believe divorce is justified:

  1. Adulterous
  2. Abusive
  3. Addictive
  4. Abandoning

In other words, if they are cheating on you, hitting, or putting you down, an alcoholic or drug addict, or has left you for someone else, this article does not apply to you.

If the preceding reasons do not apply, however, I present you with ten reasons not to divorce.

For children of divorce, the fairy tale is officially over.
For children of divorce, the fairy tale is officially over. | Source

1. The Kids

The first reason is something we all know about and we all consider: the kids. Should you stay married for the children? Well, at least think about how it will affect them. You might get over it in time. They never will.

They will never get over the loss of their family, and their lives will never be the same. Never. When mom and dad start living separate lives, a child's world is never the same and they must navigate a new reality. For that boy or girl, the fairy tale is officially over. Yes, kids do "move on," but they are affected by it forever.

In fact, Judy Wallerstein, a well-known advocate of children of divorce, stated that even 25 years later, children of divorce were 40% less likely to marry. They had romantic problems many years after the divorce.

Kids Are Always Effected

Kids are always affected by divorce.
Kids are always affected by divorce. | Source

Another study, "The Effects of Divorce on America," found staggering correlations between problems in children and divorce. Divorce was linked to higher drug abuse, lower grades, and higher suicide rates. These are only a couple of examples; there are have been many other studies done on this subject as well.

These statistics are not intended to make anyone feel guilty or worse about something that has already happened. Divorced parents and step parents (which I am) all try to make the best of a difficult situation, but make no mistake, the kids are very much effected.

In my own life, both as a stepmom and as a teacher of at-risk teenagers, I have seen a lot of anger in kids of divorce. This can largely be attributed to the way children feel torn between the two people they love the most in the world: mom and dad, who now don't like each other very much. Divorce is an ongoing conflict, even if there is no real squabbling going on, and causes division within the child.

So, reason number one for not divorcing is the kids. It does hurt them. Period.

Video About Custody

2. Custody

The next reason is very closely related to the first and also deals with children. The number one reason was how it affected the lives of the children. The next one is intertwined with that, and it deals with how divorce will change the dynamics of your family.

One of the worst things about divorce, if children are involved, is a new dirty word you will become very familiar with: custody. You no longer have the children in your home full-time as you always have. You will be sharing those children with your ex-partner, and you will have to arrange your whole life to accommodate these arrangements.

If you are the non-custodial parent, you can never get those hours back, and you will miss those children, guaranteed. I watched my husband go through it, and there is nothing like the pain of a dad or mom missing their child. Nothing. Walking away from a marriage because it's not what you wanted can mean walking away from your kids and that impact is enormous.

Divorce means that chldren no longer have one home, but two.
Divorce means that chldren no longer have one home, but two. | Source

It is also important to realize that even the custodial parent loses out. Every time the children go to the other parent the custodian parent doesn't know what they are doing for those days or hours. It's not that their time with your ex-spouse is necessarily bad, but most mothers like to know where their kids are and how they are doing. Going into a custody situation changes that. You no longer have 24-hour access to your children because you have to share that with your former mate. That is a tough pill to swallow, no matter what. This is a very important consideration and a reason that the effect of divorce is so profound.

Custody also means that your children will now have two homes, not one. For the rest of their childhood life, they will have to continually split themselves between two residences and will have to adjust every time they go from one to the other. Yes, custody arrangements might sound easy on paper, but emotionally they are seldom easy and rarely painless.

3. Emotional Devastation

Divorce is emotionally devastating for most people. Divorce forces us to kill all of the dreams we were counting on when we decided to marry our mate. It separates us from the one person we believed would always be there for us, holding our hand when we got old and feeble. We may deny the pain, but there is always pain with divorce. Divorce is a type of death, and we will need to grieve the loss just as we do when a person we love dies.

Divorce is the ultimate rejection, because we are either rejecting, or being rejected by the one person who knew us best in this world. In this culture, we've grown so accustomed to people splitting up that this silent pain is often ignored and not acknowledged, but it's still real. People may even cover up their pain with addictions or new relationships, but these do not heal the hurt. Many people are never the same after a divorce, because all of their underpinnings have been taken from them.

4. Loss of Confidence

When I was dating my husband, he was very reluctant to make a commitment to marry. In fact, it was terrifying to him. You see, he had "failed" at marriage once, and he did not want to fail again. We grow up thinking that we will marry and be happy. When we "fail" at that, our confidence and belief in ourselves as one capable of marriage, is deeply affected. We have failed at one of the key jobs of adulthood: to find a suitable mate, and make it work.

Another aspect of confidence that is affected is our confidence in our desirability. This why newly divorced people often go through a stage of serial dating, desperately seeking to re-establish themselves as attractive and wanted. Or they may fall into another relationship right away, rebounding, and not choosing someone that is healthy for them, compounding and complicating the already raw wound of divorce.

Kenny Chesney Wrote This Song After his Divorce from Renee Zwellweger

5. Loss of Identity

When divorce happens, both individuals lose the roles of husband and wife that they were accustomed to. Even if the marriage is troubled, there is still security in knowing that you are this person's wife or husband. All of that is gone when the divorce papers are signed. You are no longer the wife of so-and-so, but you are now the "ex" of so-and-so—not a very affirming title. Women feel this reality in a very practical way, as they must now go from a "Mrs." to a "Ms," usually feeling that "Miss" would be a bit uncomfortable. As well, women must wrestle with the decision as to whether or not they should change their name back to their maiden one, or continue on with a last name that no longer reflects the reality of their life.

Marriage gives us a place in this world, and divorce takes it away.


You might miss your in-laws more than you expect.
You might miss your in-laws more than you expect. | Source

6. Loss of Family

Now, this is a very difficult one, and painful for many people. You know how when you got married, everyone said you were marrying your fiancé's family, as well as your fiancé? Well, this truth also works in reverse. When you divorce your wife, you are also divorcing her family, in most cases. You see, just like the friends, family will often feel forced to take sides, and guess who they are going to pick? Of course, their son or daughter! So, the relationship with your in-laws will probably change, if not end.

I have known people who have kept in touch with their child's ex-partner, but it is rare, and often awkward. And for some people, this can be a huge loss. Family connections, even in-law ones, run deep, and we take our family for granted. It can be very painful to realize that those ties are broken, and must be re-negotiated and sometimes lost. As much as everyone would like everything to stay the same, it doesn't, and that's really hard.


It gets awkward with former friends sometimes.
It gets awkward with former friends sometimes. | Source

7. Loss of Friends

Something you might not realize when contemplating a divorce is that your social life will change. Socially, a person's marital status is important and affects the dynamic of a social situation. Couples often feel more comfortable being friends with other couples. Making the switch to two singles instead of one deuce will shake everything up. If you are really close, the couple might choose to see both of you at different times, but if the tie between the two couples was based mostly on one person in the divorced couple, your friends will often feel forced to take sides and be loyal to their original friend. This doesn't sound very nice, but it's a reality.

Also, some couples don't often feel as comfortable with a divorced person. Their lonely presence serves as a reminder that things always don't work out. They might question their own marriage. Problems that were once covered up may begin to come to the light as they watch a formerly intact couple break up. Just as people often don't know what to say to someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, people are often awkward when confronted by a divorce. They don't know what to say, so they stay away.

There are many financial costs to divorce.
There are many financial costs to divorce.

8. Finances

The longer a couple stays married, the more time they have had to build up assets. You often see couples who have been together for a long time with a great deal of financial stability. Staying together often allows couples to accumulate assets and a good reputation, as both of them work together for the good of their household. Divorce disrupts this building process and forces both members of the couple to start from scratch.

Divorce is expensive in so many ways. There are the actual legal costs of obtaining a divorce judgment. If there are children involved, custody must be decided. If there are assets, they must be divided. All of these things usually involve billable legal fees. Anytime a judge is involved, you must pay for the lawyer's time.

Afterwards, costs will vary greatly, depending on the situation. But it's bound to be expensive, because now, between the two of you, you are paying for two residences instead of one. Child support is also a huge cost. Taking care of your child used to be something the two of you shared, coordinating schedules and jobs to cover the responsibilities. Now, one person must find a way to care for the child mostly by herself (usually the woman) and the other (usually the man) must pay large amounts of cash to help her do this. Economically, this is far harder than trying to do it together. Both parties lose in a child support situation.

As well, job situations have to change to accommodate a new schedule and a new situation. Child care needs are different, and sometimes a move to another residence is necessary. This can affect employment situations. If one person has been a student, they may no longer find it possible to continue with their studies after the support of their spouse is gone.

For my husband, he moved several times after his divorce in an effort to be closer to his children. For me, I lost many of my household effects, because I did not want fight for them and had to move in with my parents for a while. Everyone's situation is unique, but most people incur economic costs.

Many studies have been done on this subject, and it is well-recognized that divorce has a financial impact. This excellent article discusses this issue in much greater detail and depth: Cost of Divorce and the Financial Risks Involved.

9. Second Marriages

I am my husband's second wife. My husband is my second husband. Therefore, I talk about this next subject with some trepidation. For those of us making a new life after divorce, we hope and believe in second chances and this often includes a second marriage. If a person is divorced, they will often want share their life with someone else and not to simply be alone.

But let's be honest. Second marriages are harder than first marriages. In fact, studies show that 25% of second marriages fail, as compared to 20% of first marriages, and that second marriages, on average, last 10.8 years for men and seven years for women. Why are second marriages more difficult? Here are three reasons that second marriages are harder than first marriages.

  1. We're less innocent. For the first year and a half of our marriage, my husband and I talked about divorce a lot. Actually, I did, and my husband would get angry with me. Why did I do that? Well, it was a fear. I knew that we had both come from divorced backgrounds, and when troubles came, it was hard to keep believing that we were going to make it. The threat and possibility of divorce loomed over our heads. It was like a curse. Unlike a first marriage, we were not "starry-eyed" going in. In fact, we had no illusions to break, and that made us tough. I did not want to be hurt again, and so I acted out to prevent that. Am I alone? I don't think so. Second marriages are less innocent and that makes them harder. Both parties, although they are trying to love again, are often scared, and that's not a good way to start a marriage. This might not apply to everyone, but for some people, it can definitely be a factor.
  2. It's complicated. Second marriages, especially those concerning children, are very complicated. When children are involved, they must now deal with a new person in their life, and step parents now suddenly become a type of parents to children that they did not create. There are so many variables and trying to create a new family in the aftermath of a family breakup is never an easy or simple process. When people get married the first time, they usually have some time to themselves before children enter the picture. Or even if they have children right away, they grow with those children. Step-parents, however, must deal with children from the very start of their marriage and don't have that all-important adjustment period.
  3. History repeats itself. This is closely related to the first reason, that we are less innocent. History repeats itself, unless we are healed. When people go through a rough relationship, and it ends in divorce, it is often because of patterns that affect the relationship. Unless they recognize those patterns they will tend to repeat them in the second marriage. For example, if a woman's insecurity interfered with her first marriage, this same insecurity will probably affect her second marriage unless she is healed of whatever wounds are causing her insecurity. If a man tends to be too controlling in his first marriage, and it drove his wife away, those same controlling tendencies will probably surface in his second marriage and history may be repeated. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, and unless significant healing and change happens within the individual, they are at risk for similar problems to their first marriage. This might be hard to swallow, but it only makes sense.

Here We Stand

10. You Promised

"Groom: I,____, take thee,_____, to my wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth.

Bride: I,_____, take thee,_____, to my wedded Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth."

-- Wikipedia, Marriage Vows, from the Book of Common Prayer

We made a promise.
We made a promise. | Source

The wedding vows. Above all, these are the most important reason not to divorce. If you got married, you promised to stay married forever. That was for richer or poorer (through the financial difficulties), in sickness and in health (even when one of you or your family is sick, and it disrupts your life, and even causes behaviour or emotional turmoil), for better or worse (through all the problems and all the successes of life).

On that day, we promised that we would love. That we would honour. That we would cherish. These days, the "obey" part is usually replaced with respect, but the point is there. We would be there for each other, no matter what. We say those words in earnest, never guessing what they will cost us. But the words stand, nonetheless.

Mike Mason, in his incredible book, The Mystery of Marriage: Meditations on the Miracle, talks about how those vows are really impossible standards for us to keep. How can we always love, he asks? How can we always honour? Or cherish? Yet, we still make those promises. And those, he concludes, are what keep us together when nothing else does.

You promised. That is the final, most important, and most profound reason not to divorce.

For Those Who Have a Choice

In conclusion, I would like to say that this series has been hard to write, not just because it has been emotional, but because I don't want to be misunderstood. I don't want anyone to be hurt by what I am saying or feel judged. For anyone already divorced, I recommend moving on and making the best of your life. Heal and live. I do not intend to make anyone feel worse about what's already happened. Similarly, for those in abusive or adulterous situations, I do not mean to guilt you into staying in an impossible situation. Instead, this is for those who have the choice. I do so want to make that distinction clear.

Disclaimers all aside, though, I plead to those who are in the position of considering divorce, to consider the cost. It is a huge decision and not one to take lightly. Few, if any, escape unscathed. In fact, it was my husband who gave me the idea to write this article. We are now happily married but it has been a hard road for both of us to get here. His kids still live with the reality of it, and so do we. My husband wanted people to know how hard divorce is. So I share the credit for this story with him. We are still both affected by divorce to this day. What I planned to be one article turned into three, because the subject is so vast. Thanks for reading along, and take care.

Before you divorce, be sure to consider the consequences, because they are serious.

Resources -- More Things to Read on this Topic

© 2010 Sharilee Swaity


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    • Craig 5 weeks ago

      I am a divorced dad. This was an awesome piece. God Himself also, like this author, can only make hopeful suggestions; the married couple will always have to work out between themselves the final reality. Anyone that has been there knows this article was only written in pure love

    • Jessic 5 weeks ago

      What a load of craps! I see someone still lives in the 50's lol

    • zhang xiao 8 weeks ago

      @AJSHIPPY. Hi there, my husband and i had the same problem. i wanted to try very hard to make our marriage, he just refused. he want to get out and heal and continue the rest of his life. how did your turn out?

      pls advise

    • Say No To Divorce 2 months ago

      Hi prairie princess, thank-you for writing this article it is very good topic and will help many people who are on the fence about getting a divorce. When there are children involved a divorce is a whole new topic as opposed to people who don’t have children involved. When children are involved it will affect their lives, in fact as they get older and are more accustomed to a family life it is even harder than when they are younger and have no recollection of an intact family life. Couldn't agree with you more. Divorce is a terrible curse and if you have it then it's a crime shame. I do hope you and your husband survive the second marriage thing. Very well written hub. If you have more interesting, feel free to enter my blog and post something on it.

    • 2 months ago

      I agree with "stop reading at effective". Hopefully that was a spell check mistake, doubtful though,

      Author's insight is limited, immature and misses a plethora of information that causes conflict. Hope her, I guess, second husband is a simpleton for her sake

    • Robert from TX 3 months ago

      I'm separated as I type this. I'm taking it real hard my wife I don't know. We have a 5 yr. old lill girl and her son is 13. I been in his life since he was 3 .He's like my son. I suffer with PTSD and many other medical conditions. I'm also considered to be disabled by the VA. I know I didn't show my wife the attention she deserved. That is why we are separated an going for divorce. I moved out of her mothers house we rented with my disability check. I moved out on a Saturday . The following Sunday . She had someone moved in already . I know if him she left her Facebook open on laptop. I saw messages between her an her best friend. She left in a Thursday for Dallas "to get some d***. They came back Sunday together. He has no Job no driving licence. My wife tells her family an my family. I am grown, I do what I want. Her parents no pay for everything in the house including there own place. Ok rant over please email comments to or call 254)780-7815 if don't answer please leave a message. Thank you all and God bless.

    • The Honest Truth 4 months ago

      Well most divorces today are usually cause by women since so many women today have their Careers which they're so very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, narcissists, and very power money hungry which they Weren't like that at all years ago. Unfortunately the times today have really Changed and so have the women since they will Only want the Best of all and will Never settle for Less do to their Greed And Selfishness since is is all about them today. It is a real shame for many of us Good Single Men that we Weren't Born many years Earlier which we definitely could've Avoided this mess since Most of us would've been all settled down with our own Good Wife And Family that many of us still Don't have today which is real sad for us. Like i mentioned women have certainly Changed since the Good Old Days which made it very Easy for our family members finding Love back then since they Didn't have to go through what many of us men are going through now. And both men and women in those days had to Struggle to make ends meat as well since they Hardly had any money back then to begin with and had to live with their Parents at that time. Quite a Change unfortunately which really Explains why there are many of us Good Men still looking for Love today since it does really Take Two To Tangle since the women of today are really to Blame.

    • dwells 4 months ago

      This is a terrible article... encouraging unhappy people to stay in bad marriages ....because of pressure to fit in, conformity, family ties.... that friends and family no longer want you in their lives because you get a divorce? This is rubbish. You will do more damage to your children staying in a bad marriage for these reasons

    • Greg 5 months ago

      Superb summary of reasons to work on saving a marriage!

      Reason 1 should be enough by itself.

      I made the mistake of thinking/assuming that she was already down with all of these reasons.

      As a child of divorce i was very aware of the affect on kids, had shared those feelings with her and we had even agreed not to let this happen for his sake.

      But she never personally knew of the pain of a child of divorce. She had grown up with an abusive father who beat her mother (her mother was familiar to abuse from her own childhood so loyally stayed with him to this day) and they never separated.

      She said that I 'failed to fulfil her dreams' and she viewed the grass was greener on the other side. Instead of watering our grass, she jumped the fence. She said 'if you don't leave quietly we will do it the hard way'. I said wtf and begged to stay for our son's sake, so she scammed a domestic violence order against me (oh the irony) which kicked me out of the family home and let her keep all my stuff.

      Divorce (except for the justifiable reasons you gave) is just so damned selfish. Marriage is the most important contract one can enter into, but it seems to be worth nothing today. Having kids should take it to a whole new level of commitment. But there are no consequences for breaking the contract. Maybe it should include "Till the kids are happily married with their own family do us part"

      Instead, we have no fault divorce, ashley maddison running amok, silver bullet intervention orders, the state acting as sugar daddy paying her to deny my son's access to me and a family court designed to line the lawyers pockets. Kids get shafted. No one else stood up for my son's right to a family. He is a victim of her selfishness, the step-state and the meat grinding divorce industry.

      I regret not finding your article and presenting it to her before she went nuclear. At the end though the dollar signs in her eyes prevented her from thinking rationally, so in hindsight I wish I had gauged her understanding and agreement to it before our engagement, signed it into a memorandum of understanding, had a copy attached to our marriage certificate, and monthly re-readings.

    • svart787 profile image

      svart787 5 months ago

      This was brilliant, and thank you. I was expecting a sappy commercialized 10 things article. Instead, I read through a real and balanced well thought out advice column.

      I couldn't help ticking off each thing on the list. and thinking of what it took me to throw out the list and seek the divorce. I think my situation was for the best interest of my child, even if I never marry again. This is coming from someone who wanted a family.

      This week I will be in custody negotiations, and I have mixed feelings. I'm going into it thinking of my kid and thinking of what will work for her. She needs both of us, and she wants both of us to be together. Primarily, she needs both her parents mentally fit and thinking of her, and together we weren't doing that. It breaks my heart.

      Thank you for your article, I think it will give me balance in the upcoming weeks. Even though it is a stern warning of how harsh reality is, it is oddly refreshing to see my own thoughts about the subject reflected through someone else's experience. I don't feel so alone.

    • ECD 6 months ago

      Thank you so much for this article. You have helped me make a decision not to divorce my husband. Thank you thank you Thank you. I will stay married forever.

    • Alicia 14 months ago

      No remarriage unless spouse is deceased.Read the Bible in Romans 7:2-3!

      Mark 10:11-12!

      1 Corinthians 7:39!

    • Judy 16 months ago

      What a great article. I am the child of divorced parents - the argument that children are happier if the parents are getting divorced only stands if none of the parents are at least trying to make it work. Shouting and screaming at each other is not what I would classify as "trying to make it work". If you don't want to change, don't expect anything to change in your marriage. If just one of you tries to make it work without pointing the finger at the other person, that that's the first step to improvement. "But I'm unhappy!" - well, should have thought about that before you took off your rose-tinted glasses...I have seen so many marriages falling apart and in every single one of them I could see the signs before they got married, and when a good friend tried to give them advise, the felt patronized. Sorry guys, the ones here who selfishly say that divorce is the only option and it doesn't matter what the kids feel, should really take long hard look at themselves. I have been married for 5 years now and I do struggle to not be snappy when I am in a bad mood. But I always apologize and I try hard to change. My husband is incredibly patient and when he is moody I try to be kind. These things are part of a relationship! Get over it. (I am not talking about clearly abusive relationships by the way). Don't get married if you can't deal with the inconveniences of marriage!

    • CHARLIE BRODEUX 16 months ago

      This article is totally one sided. I dated a woman for 9 years, and her parents never divorced, despite the fact that they got along like cats and dogs. This tore her apart. She always felt caught in the middle, and always told me that she wished they would just divorce, so she didn't have to see them miserable together. How is a child suppose to deal with that situation? Nobody wants a divorce, everyone wants to live a happy and healthy life. Staying married for the kids is not fair to anyone, because a dysfunctional family also leads to bad grades, drugs, alcohol, mental and physical abuse.

    • AJSHIPPY 22 months ago

      This article points out some excellent facts and puts divorce in a more real perspective for someone who is facing divorce in the near future. Communication is the key in all aspects of marriage, whether things are going good or divorce is looking to be the next step. In my case I just cant find a way to get my spouse to communicate in a productive manner. She refuses any type counseling or any type of confronting our issues at all. Anyone out there have/had this same kind of problems? I would love to save my marriage but am running out of patience and ideas of getting my spouse to actually talk about our issues, which by the way are extremely minor in my eyes. Typically just everyday life struggles seem to beat us up and we never see them eye to eye. Love is still there as is hope. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @g.n., I appreciate you pointing that mistake out to me, so much! This hub sat for nearly four years without anyone noticing my editing mistake. Thanks again, and Happy Thanksgiving!

    • gn 2 years ago

      Stopped reading at "EFFECTED"...

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @Therese, thank you so much for your excellent points. Yes, marriage is a very private affair, and we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. And it is almost impossible to truly explain to the children sufficiently. And yes, another good point: that divorce forces us to re-define our concepts of love and trust. Take care and thanks for adding to the discussion.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @Raul Sierra, collateral damage is an excellent term to describe what happens in a divorce. And that cost should be considered. Thanks so much for the comment and I do apologize for taking so long to get back to you. Take care.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @Cloudlee, thank you for your comment! I strongly agree that we must remember our vows. I think they are conveniently forgotten far too often. Take care and have a wonderful night. I apologize for taking so long to get back to you.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @Lapse, thank you so much for your kind comment. And yes, it is so important to consider the children in this decision. Take care!

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @fpherj48, so nice to see you here, my friend! Thank you for your support on the article. I am so glad it resonated with you. Take care, and I apologize for taking so, so long to respond. Have been away and the comments piled up. Now trying to dig my way out. Have a good night!

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @Aneegma, thanks so much for your comment and I do apologize for taking so long to get back to you. Yes, being married to a divorced man can be a very painful thing. I did write a hub about that subject, too. It makes so hard on the next marriage, because the divorce was so painful for so many divorcees. Take care.

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      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @Bonny, thank you for your excellent point. Yes, culture does really effect our decisions concerning marriage and divorce. Someone from a more traditional culture often feels a lot of social pressure to stay married, while someone working in a modern office may feel pressures to cheat and not be as faithful to their spouse.

      And yes, I agree that a move away from faith has really brought down our family values. Thank you again for a great comment, and take care!

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @Monika, people will do what they feel is best with their lives. I just think it's important to really consider the cost of the decision. Have a wonderful day, and I do apologize for the long delay in responding.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @Stephen, that's awesome! God can do wonderful things and forgiveness is more powerful than anything. Glad for you ... you are blessed. Take care.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @cbb, I agree. Our happiness has to come from within. We can't look to someone else to produce all of our happiness. This attitude has created a throw-away society in many ways. Thanks for your comment and some good old-fashioned common sense!

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @True, cheating is definitely a reason to obtain a divorce and unfortunately, both men and women are cheating more these days. Thank you for your comment.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @Jdalia, I am sorry for what you are going through. I know you probably won't read this comment because I am so late responding, but in case you do, my heart goes out to you and don't be feel bad for your grief. Take care.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @Kathleen, my heart goes out to your family, as I am sure it was hard on all of you. It sounds like it was a very painful situation, and not an easy choice to make. I did not write the article to judge, but just to give some food for thought to those who are contemplating this decision. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I apologize so much for taking so long to reply and publish this comment. I have been away from HP for almost a year, and all the comments piled up. Take care!

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      Henry, I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. I had not been on for a long time, and all of the comments piled up.

      First of all, thank you so much for the comment. Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to leave are up to each individual. Only each of us knows what decision we need to make. Take care.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      Georgina, sorry for what you went through with your parents. I agree that people should find more than just one reason to stay together ... if they stay together for the sake of the kids, and never find a way to love each other again, I can see how that it would be very hurtful for you. Thank you for your comment and take care. I do apologize for not getting back to you sooner.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @LadyEllie, wow! You tell your story so well, and it sounds like you have been able to heal from all that mess. Sorry for what you went through ... it sounds like you had it all. I am so glad that you were able to bounce back and laugh about it. It sounds like you are better off without someone like that, although at the time, it was hard to see it. Thanks so much for your kind comments, and I apologize for taking almost a year to get back to you. I was away for almost a year, and all of the comments piled up. Take care!

    • Theresa Jonathan profile image

      Theresa Jonathan 2 years ago from Maseru, Lesotho

      Marriage is an institution of secrecy; some of the issues are really private and it is hart to explain to your children why you have to leave. I do agree that children must be protected from experiencing constant negative emotions. I know what it means to be caught in that situation. You wonder what happened to the man who declared undying love. You simply engage in redefining concepts like love, honor and respect. The most difficult to restore is trust. Deep down you cannot trust your spouse as before the hurts and fights.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @far, I do believe that I addressed the benefits within the article, but I will reiterate. The benefits of not divorcing are that the kids get to keep their family intact, that you are saved the expense, that you get to keep your word, that you are not going to be impacted by the social effects of divorce. The benefits are listed throughout the article. Thanks for your comment.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @Paul, thanks for sharing your story. I like your comment, that it's "cheaper to keep them." That's funny but it is true, too. And I know what you mean about people being "martyrs" to stay in a bad relationship. It sometimes can feel like that, I know. But getting out of it also does have a huge cost. Thanks so much for your comment and have a wonderful day.

      p.s. Sorry for the very long delay in responding to your comment. I was away for quite a while, and am still catching up on comments. Take care.


    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @shekatie, thanks so much for letting me know you enjoyed the hub. I apologize for taking so long t get back to you. Take care!

    • Raul Sierra profile image

      Raul Sierra Jr 2 years ago from El Paso, Texas

      Extremely relevant piece.

      Although I know there are reasons divorce is more than just an option, it's necessary, I agree there is a lot of collateral damage that should be considered when making the tough decision.

      Thanks for sharing your experience

    • Theresa Jonathan profile image

      Theresa Jonathan 2 years ago from Maseru, Lesotho

      One should not rush or out of marriage! It should not be emotions alone; one needs to pray! Very good hub!

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 2 years ago from Canada

      @MoveAlong, I would agree that if there is verbal abuse, that is a reason to leave. Verbal blows are often just as, if not more, harmful than physical ones. I do think, however, that it is beneficial to try counselling to see if an agreement can be reached. Thanks so much for your comment. I apologize for my very late response. I have been away from this site for quite some time, and am now trying to catch up on comments. Take care!

    • Cloudlee profile image

      Cloudlee 2 years ago from Vietnam

      Hey, you should never get divorce. Remember the vow you made in your wedding! Once marriage, it means to live and to die together

    • Lapse profile image

      Lapse 2 years ago from East Coast Rules

      Good Hub. Kids has to be #1 and the rest is debatable. Enjoyed how comprehensive it was.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      prairieprincess.....Am pleased I stumbled upon this older hub of yours. Very very realistic and I commend you on your wisdom. Anyone and everyone even contemplating divorce should read this. Seriously.

      I cannot tell you how many times I've been in discussions with women who have said they sincerely REGRET having divorced. This includes me.

      This is very well written. UP+++tweeted

    • Aneegma profile image

      Merida Craze 2 years ago

      Couldn't agree with you more. Divorce is a terrible curse and if you have it then it's a crime shame. I dated a divorced man with children and it was the biggest mistake of my life and its because of all these points. I even wrote a hub about it so I totally agree with you. I do hope you and your husband survive the second marriage thing. Very well written hub.

    • GetOverIt 2 years ago

      What s bunch of BS.

    • Bonny 3 years ago

      Culture is also important. European and American cultures see monogamy as something not natural. There is a lot of sexual freedom and no value for chastity. They cannot do this cause they don't honor or accept the existence of God.

      Men don't want a virgin as their wife nor is the woman intrested in such a man.

      99% of the people do what is called an adjustment, and in an adjustment the problem never goes out. The main issue is the lack of godliness in our lives.For most people the concept of god is bullshit and they don't honor him and no wonder what paul says in his letter to Romans is happening.

      Times are coming when it will be difficult for a father to find a hetrosexual husband for his daughter or otherwise.

      Everybody speaks why we should not divorce and gives a lot of reasons, but nobody knows how to avoid such a circumstance.

      I remember hearing a song from george hamilton who sings the answer is so simple - just a little bit of sunday every day.

      God bless you all

    • stephen 3 years ago

      Don't know! Might have misunderstood! No devorce, at all! I had addiction, I cheated, God intervened,now we have the most AWESOME marriage In exsistance!

    • Monika 3 years ago

      Honestly, I think if you are miserable married, for heavens sake get divorce. I don't think anybody expects divorce to be easy, but sometimes people are alot happier after. It's not good for the kids either to live with parents who are fighting or unhappy with each other.

    • Linda 3 years ago

      The best way to avoid all the above is to choose your partner based on reality and not empty social values like" I have to marry by 30,I have to be married because it is what I am supposed to do etc"...or immaturity such as " we have been dating for so long, he has to marry me, etc".

      No matter how much all the women and men in denial want to argue about this, the facts are too clear to ignore. Failed marriages come from failed relationships. It's that simple.

      If you have to hint, ask, push, ask the family to put pressure on the guy to marry you, your relationship will never work.

      If you are getting married to someone you have compromise on key factors just because its "time" to get married, your relationship will never work.

      Don't marry someone you are expecting to change, don't marry someone you have to induce directly or indirectly to ask you.. if you've already done that, then divorce. Children will suffer just the same if you stay in a miserable relationship. If someone asked you for a divorce, look back at the relationship and see it for what it really was, or you are gonna end up like the person who wrote this article - bitter and attached to someone who is long gone. You ll waist the rest of your life, instead of taking the second change you were given to try again.

    • cbb 3 years ago

      I laugh at the psych major who posted "if you are not happy get a divorce." What an idiot.

      Who is responsible for your happiness? You. If you arent happy in your marriage maybe instead of divorce you look at your own faults first. Then communicate with your spouse.

      How about trying to work on your relationship vs abandoning it.

      And to the psych major, if you're mom had known it would be difficult to care for you as a baby she would have gotten an abortion. Because if something is difficult today is best to just give up and quit vs be accountable to yourself or anyone else.

    • True 3 years ago

      Well many women are Cheating nowadays, and that would certainly do it.

    • True 3 years ago

      Well many women like to Cheat nowadays, and that would certainly do it.

    • jdalia 3 years ago

      i am devaststed

    • Kathleen Cochran profile image

      Kathleen Cochran 3 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      You covered a great deal of good information in this hub. You are exactly right that every situation is different. Before my daughter was unfortunate enough to fall in love with a man who was emotionally incapable of loving her back, I would have agreed with much of this hub. She didn't want her children to grow up thinking this was what marriage was. And her ex has become a better father alone than he ever was when they were married and he forced the Mom to do all the parenting. Now that he JUST HAS TO have his children half the time he is forced to actually parent them.

      Staying together for the children doesn't fool anybody. But those of us who have suffered through one of these would be the first to advise that divorce is horrible and avoid it at all costs. But if a situation is hopeless, you owe it to yourself and your children to seek a better life.

    • Henrymorton 3 years ago

      I think when one takes you for granted despite several pleas its time to move on. Some people think because of the pain of divorce they have to keep you hostage. If someone feels like talking to them to change is manipulation and intimidation then let it be, let them feel free of manipulation and intimidation by getting the divorce. The children will understand one day that someone did not do their part.

    • Georgina 3 years ago

      Never stay together for children it is theost damaging thing my parents ever did

    • LadyEllie 3 years ago

      Nice hub...and of course I just wanted to put my dollar in...

      After being cast aside like an old chair by my ex husband for a younger trade-off, I can testify to the damage that pain does to you emotionally, socially, physically and spiritually.

      My ex was a real piece of work in letting the small town we lived in know, that he's a cheating pig! He caroused about like he was some big shot doing something great. While I was at home cooking, cleaning, attending and spiritually nourishing our 3 kids...this clown took the opportunity to exploit "his" free time. (Of course you can run about town without any distractions...the wife is at home holding down the fort...duh) make a long story short, he ran off with his skank and left me and the kids to fend on our own. I cannot even begin to tell you what that did to my children, especially my pre-teen daughter!

      I tried to save my marriage as best as I could believe me. I searched all

      types of options. This man acted like I was the enemy, like I was the cheating party and should not be given any consideration.

      I did not want a divorce attached to my name! My parents have been married for 55 years and his for 50. No broken home backgrounds here.

      And when he left, he took all his money with him, to live a life he should have already experienced 20 + years previously. How do you destroy your family unit, abandon your offspring without any shame or sense of guilt?

      One of the harder parts of that situation is the treatment of so called friends afterwards. When I just wanted a shoulder to cry on, or some type of counsel, spiritual uplifting...I got treated like the bad guy!!

      No more social invites, no more kiddie play dates, girlfriend afternoons. Not only was I stripped of my MRS. SOMEBODY status, my "worth" went into a downward spiral like I was no longer viable as a friend, and my children were not good enough to play and mingle with the kids who still have their dads! WOW!

      So I have experienced the total ugliness of divorce on many levels.

      It's a painful thing, and when you've got kids, they hurt too! (sigh)

      Oh they say...."time heals all wounds".....(but just don't pick at the scabs.)

    • far 3 years ago

      well can i ask if what is the benefits for not getting divorce????

    • Paul Kuehn profile image

      Paul Richard Kuehn 3 years ago from Udorn City, Thailand

      This is an awesome hub and I can really identify with what you say having been married more than once. A friend once said that it's "cheaper to keep them" rather than divorcing. He was so correct. I really believe that a person has to be a martyr to stay in a marriage which has so many trials and tribulations. It's undoubtedly the selfish nature of people which makes them even consider divorce. Years ago and even in some countries today, couples stayed or stay together because there is an understanding that a man may take a minor wife. In a situation like this, the major wife made the sacrifice of allowing her husband to have a mistress. Marriage is definitely a lot of give and take, and yes, there are a lot of unhappy people living together because they are martyrs and don't want to hurt their kids or screw up their financial situation. Voted up and sharing with followers.

    • shekatie profile image

      shekatie 3 years ago from Somewhere in the East Coast

      Enjoyed this hub!

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 3 years ago from Canada

      @Becky Allan, I appreciate your comments so much, especially the part about making sure we do the best we can to make the marriage succeed. And no, we definitely cannot settle for a terrible marriage. That is too much for anyone. But there are many strategies for making a marriage better, if one is willing to try.

      Again, thank you for your support, and I feel for your situation, too. I know it is difficult to live with a previously divorced spouse, too, because of all the complications. Take care.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 3 years ago from Canada

      @Kawaii, I apologize for not getting back to you. Yes, there is hope for marriages, and divorce should be carefully considered, because the consequences are severe. Thank you so much for your comments.

    • MoveAlong 3 years ago

      All effort should be given to resolve discord in a marriage. Still, if the parents are yelling and fighting habitually (even without violence) the kids would be better off with two solitary parents whom are well-adjusted and content in life, rather than to be with two embittered and embattled parents staying together for a non-existant marriage.

    • BeckyAllen 3 years ago

      Sorry, new here....I unsuccessfully tried editing the comment below, so please forgive the redundancy but here is the new & improved comment.

      I think it's important to note that staying in a marriage isn't the same thing as, nor does it mean, that you have to put up with the marriage "as is." The 10 reasons given above ARE very valid considerations to stay married, but I don't think the author inferred that any one of those 10 items was reason enough to put up with an unhappy marriage or be consigned to a life of misery. The above list should OPEN OUR EYES to the effects of divorce and should serve to MOTIVATE us to do WHATEVER IT TAKES and ALL THAT IS WITHIN OUR POWER to strive for a better marriage....even if that means we, ourselves must TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for our own contributions to the marriage and we ourselves may need to do some changing.

      I agree with the article that few escape unscathed. My own children are being affected and my husband and I aren't even divorced (from each other). My kids have to grow up knowing their father was once divorced, and it's my job to help them make sense of their world -- a world that includes half-sisters, an exwife, and yes, even financial reprecussions.

      For Lady Wordsmith, your own comments (and apparent "okayness" with them) show the damage your parent's divorce has had on you (and society in general) may think you survived without injury, but in reality your own beliefs and perceptions have been forever influenced. The fact that you are okay with "lack of love" being a good enough reason to divorce shows how the meaning of "vow" has deteriorated. It also diminishes the value of marriage in the first place, because any long-term married couple will tell you....the marker of a good marriage is not love but commitment. Sure love is important, and love may be what started your relationship in the first place, but love is an unsteady emotion. Commitment is a choice. Many marriages will tell you that love happens in cycles, it's something that has to be tended, and if we all relied on love, then we all might as well head to the courthouse because you WILL INEVITABLY have your love challenged in marriage. To go into a marriage thinking otherwise is to not be fully aprised of all that marriage entails.

      Marriage is the hardest job in the world. Many people say parenting is the hardest job, and while I agree parenting is a pretty close 2nd, I must say Marriage is harder, because of the CHOICE aspect. Sure we chose whether or not we become parents, but once we have kids there's no going back. In marriage, the decision to continue the marriage or contemplate divorce is our very own and ever present. To CHOSE to stay requires so much more effort, but can also give you so much more in return.

      I would challenge anyone reading this article to take to heart the effects of divorce for they ARE VERY REAL. But also, not to settle for a bad marriage. THERE IS HOPE, ALWAYS.

    • Kawaii 3 years ago

      Eliper...thank you for sharing....there IS matter what choice you make, make the best of it. I agree with the article, though that it's a choice that REQUIRES very careful consideration...and the bottom line is many people who think divorce is the answer, live to regret it.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 3 years ago from Canada

      @Marion, I think the vows are the most important part, really, but they are not honoured much in our society anymore. I included them last because I thought people might relate more to the others, but I agree with you -- you promised!!! And if the three A's are not there, why not stick with it? Thanks again for the comment, and I think we really agree on this one. Take care!

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 3 years ago from Canada

      @Maggie, there definitely has been quite a few reactions on this hub, but I find it great that at least people are reading it. Thank you so much for your kind comments -- they really made my day. Take care!

    • marion langley profile image

      marion langley 3 years ago from The Study

      I am so glad you stated that last reason...the vows! I'm watching so many divorce and it's so painful. Everyone has their reasons but seriously...vows!!! I attended a number of these ceremonies that are now being disavowed and it's like hey...I was a witness to these are choosing to lie to every person who attended the wedding. Minus those that qualify for your thoughtful disclaimers which I agree with. Thanks for writing such an applicable hub for these times.

    • Maggie Bennett profile image

      Maggie Bennett 3 years ago from New York

      This is an awesome hub. Congratulations on writing about a Hot Button Topic for sure. You made some very valid points. This hub may actually save quite a few marriages.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 3 years ago from Canada

      @KateSmith, not everyone will have the same story but for many people, it is a very difficult situation. As for the guilt factor, I am sorry if it appeared I was trying to make people feel guilty. I wasn't at all -- but just giving someone pause for thought if they had not made their decision yet.

      There are many studies that back up what I am saying, many quoted throughout the article. I am a very educated woman, and I read and research constantly. I have a degree in Education and have read many articles/books on this topic. But of course, even the experts don't agree on everything.

      This is one article from a professional mediator that spent her whole career mediating with families:

      Here is another one from Psychology Today about the trauma on children experience from divorce:

      I do appreciate your comment so much. I know there are many opinions on this topic and there is no way we all agree. I do respect your views and am glad you stopped by.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 3 years ago from Canada

      @Amanda, I agree. Saving the marriage is good if it it is at all possible. Thanks for the comment.

      @Flourish, exactly ... it is a difficult process and the article is meant to make someone think about the consequences, because many might not realize the repercussions until damage has already been done. And yes, I have definitely received some disagreement. I guess it is a pretty controversial topic. Thanks for the comment!

    • katesmith2677 3 years ago

      I have to be honest and find this article very self serving to whatever is going on in YOUR life. You say "not to feel guilty but here are alllll the reasons why you should". Major double talk going on here. really disgusted by this article.

      i agree, try to work a marriage out but if it cant be, there is no reason to post on all the "awful" reasons. Really, go back to school, get a psych degree, do more research on all the studies of divorce and learn that there is no cookie cutter to any of it. Its not one size fits all. each story has its own ending. Some are horrible, some are just fine.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 3 years ago from USA

      Wow have you put up with the comments here. I get your point - try really hard not to get a divorce and do serious soul searching before going there. It's expensive, messes with your mind and that of the kids, and life will never be the same.

    • AmandaJon profile image

      Amanda Jones 3 years ago

      Divorce is the last thing to do, one should try to save marriage if it's worth being saved, think of all good that you had and why do you love each other.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 3 years ago from Canada

      Paula, thank you so much for your comment. It is obvious that you and I agree with each other on this topic, but I will try to address your objections to what I have written.

      First of all, I am not a psychologist. I am a teacher with a strong interest in psychology. There are many studies that show how children are affected by divorce. They don't get over it easily -- the effects last a lifetime.

      And as far as staying married because you think you have no other choice -- I am advocating being unhappy for the rest of your life. I just don't think that divorce will necessarily solve the unhappiness. And staying married doesn't necessarily mean that you will be eternally unhappy. People can fall in love again, sometimes.

      Thank you so much for your comment. I am sorry that we do disagree, but I do appreciate your feedback.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 3 years ago from Canada

      @Eliper, I apologize for taking so long to get back to you. I have been so busy with teaching, that have been very little online. I appreciate your letter so much, and am thrilled that my article was a step in the decision you are about to make.

      I do believe that if a person has been a perpetual cheater, they themselves have ended the marriage, even if it the official divorce has not been filed. And I am so happy to hear that your mother found a good man after she left the first marriage.

      And regarding your decision, I respect your search for truth, whatever you decide. And all the best to you in this desperate time. Take care.

    • Paula 3 years ago

      Are you a psychologist? Apparently not, because you give out a lot of false information and statistics that are out of context. I'm a psychology major and this article was kind of toe cringing for me to read. First of all my child psychology professor and family psychologist say that if you're unhappy, get a divorce. A divorce is better for a child than living with unhappy parents who hate each other. The major issue is the time at which the divorce takes place. If the divorce happens during the time of self-identification, yes, it is very damaging for the child. If it happens when the child is still small it will get over it and it will easily adjust to a new mommy or daddy. When the child is a teenager it will probably get very angry at first but it will get over it too.

      Secondly, some of your reasons against divorce are due to societal sexism rather than the divorce itself. Should I change to Ms. or Miss? I lose the role of a wife. In U.S. society women are socialized to identify themselves through their husbands. You're not the wife of so-and-so. You are an individual with an individual personality. Stand up for yourself. You can be a Mrs. without having the husband attached to it. In Germany for example people don't use 'Miss' anymore. It's an insult. If a man is a Mr. whether married or not, a woman is a Mrs. whether married or not.

      Another thing that bothers me is that you essentially argue "Yeah you're unhappy, but there's no hope for happiness for you anyway, so you may as well stop trying."

      If you're unhappy with your life and you don't love the person you're with: Get a divorce! It's not a shame. We're not living in the 50's anymore.

    • Eliper 3 years ago

      For me, this article felt like a gasping, grasping gulp of air; speaking as someone whose marriage has been predominantly barely treading water for years yet slowly, steadily sinking to the bottom of a frozen lake toward almost certain finality. Without divulging the nitty gritty, I have only recently begun searching for lifelines of support online through searches regarding wanting out and custody issues when your child is an infant (we have one child, our 10 month old daughter we had after 10 years of marriage). I can't tell you how grateful I am at this stage to have come across this hub after switching my line of searching in a desperate moment to, "divorcing feels like the worst thing in the world" and yours was the first page to appear.

      I am the product of a so-called "broken home" where my father was perpetually unfaithful to us all (I believe if you have children you don't just cheat on your spouse, you've broken your promises to them too). My mother's subsequent marriage, however, has been immeasurably beneficial to my life in general and overall well being and growth. While the repercussions of my parents' divorce have been emotionally difficult in so many ways - even still (I'm 33 now, was 9 when divorced) - I could not imagine being any more fortunate in the husband my mother chose after my father. I have introduced my step-father as "dad" for years now and don't need to have been his blood for him to have earned that nomenclature.

      So, as I established at the beginning, I have been drowning in the realities that I know first-hand I could expect to encounter and survive through if divorce is where this turbulent path leads. Without even knowing it, I have been desperate for this type of voice to speak louder in my head. Thank you for heeding your husband's prompting to lay out this reasoning for those in my very position. I don't know where to go from here with regard to our particular situation, but I have taken a great deal of solace in your words. Both the encouraging and the stern. Thank you again.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 3 years ago from Canada

      @Beverly, thank you so, so much for the comment, the share and the support. I appreciate the work you have been committed to -- this is an important work. I will check out your page on Facebook. Have a wonderful day!

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 3 years ago from Canada

      @Captain, I have to respectfully disagree with you. I guess I still believe in love, and that's an excellent reason to stay married. Love for your kids, and for your spouse. Thanks for the comment!

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 3 years ago from Canada

      @Zevens, I am sorry for what you went through. If your husband was running around, I think you had every right to leave him, and find someone else. It sounds like you have been so much with him. Thanks for the comment.

    • zevens 3 years ago

      I have been marrrried for 28 years my children are grown and out of the house.I HATE MY HUSBUND!!!!!!!I waited with batted breath for my kids to grow up.And when my youngest tuen 18 my SOB of a husbund had a stroke!That was 8 years ago.I put up with my husbunds running around with other woman .and I stayed becouse of my kids,he got drunk every day.I stayed ,becouse it was best for my kids to have both parents.He was a pillhead,I stayed for the sake of my kids yada yada yada......well my husbund recovered and has a great carer.It tuke 3 years for him to get well,Ibathed him I feed him and i wiped his ass for 3 years.I did that becouse after all he had put me though for so many years He needed me.Yes my husbund got over the strok BUT I DID NOT!Now Im 50years old and not as pretty as i use to be.And I sure am not as sweet as I once was ,Now what?Iv given the best years of my life away for the sake of others!Yes my kids had a very nice comfortabl life.Guss What!My kids could not have turned out any worse then If I would have left when they were young.

    • Beverly Willett 3 years ago

      Thank you for this terrific piece which I will share on Twitter, etc. I couldn't agree with your more with your #1 reason and your reminder in #10, the value of a pledge and a promise. Two years ago I helped found a volunteer organization to encourage divorce reform in marriages with minor children, the Coalition for Divorce Reform, Please consider liking us on Facebook and offering your support. I will post your article there now. Best, Beverly Willett

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 3 years ago from Canada

      Paul, you make an excellent point. There probably is a bit of these things in every marriage, to a degree, but if it characterizes the marriage, I do believe that a divorce is warranted, if things do not change, and everything else has been tried. And I agree that a separation can help, especially if there is work done during that time to change things. Thank you so much for the great comment.

    • Paul Ellis 3 years ago

      Well thought out Hub. Of the big A exceptions (ADULTEROUS,

      ABUSIVE, ADDICTIVE, ABANDONING) there is some of this in nearly every relationship dieing actually due to unhealthy thinking and responding. HOWEVER, safe separation for at least a year can even bring about healing in these terrible circumstances.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 4 years ago from Canada

      Toknow, thank you so much for the comment. I did my heart into this article and wanted to give pause to people making this big decision. I appreciate you coming by. Take care!

    • toknowinfo profile image

      toknowinfo 4 years ago

      This too is a well done hub. I can tell, you have put your heart into writing this. You have done a service to many and it is appreciated. Well done and thank you.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 4 years ago from Canada

      Ralph, thank you for taking the time to comment. I did not want to get a divorce from my first husband. He sent me divorce papers and I had no choice. I never wanted a divorce but you can't force someone to stay married. Take care.

    • ralph612 4 years ago

      I wonder, would you have stayed married to your original husband if you knew all this info?

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 4 years ago from Canada

      Alford, thanks so much for the comment. I am sorry for your turmoil. My prayers go out to you and I hope for your peace. Take care.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 4 years ago from Canada

      Wdddc, thanks for the comment. It is very painful when you are not sure if you love someone anymore. I don't know if there is anything more painful, really. I will say a prayer for you and your wife. Take care.

    • wddddc 4 years ago

      Thank you P for sharing. It is a very difficult thing to stay in marriage when the long is gone. And two don't appreciate each other any more. The kids are the reason we stay married. It is heart-breaking to think of them lose me or their mother. It is impossible to think of losing them here. ... but it is also hard to get the love back to home...

      Well, just wish all good luck to those in the marriage. And to those who is to get married, it is important to know each other well before having the kids.

      Take care.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 5 years ago from Canada

      Hey Kevin, thanks for dropping by! I am glad you liked the hub, and isn't that video great? He's so good at conveying emotion. Take care!

    • KevinC9998 profile image

      KevinC9998 5 years ago

      Very interesting, enjoyed the song by Kenny Chesney.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 5 years ago from Canada

      Thanks so much for your comment, dashing! I agree that many people do get married for less than ideal reasons and divorce might seem like the best solution to them. In spite of that, though, they might consider reasons to keep at the marriage, in spite of the less than ideal circumstances! Take care.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      Nice Hub!

      However I do believe everyone is entitled to have their own "deal breakers" when it comes to relationships or marriages. Sometimes kids are better off being in a divorce situation if their home is very toxic due to tensions between the couple. I suspect the main reason for the high divorce rate is because people (select the wrong mate) for themselves. They don't invest the time to really get to know a person before making a commitment. In other instances they really have not done the introspective thinking needed to determine what it is THEY actually want in a life mate. Unfortunately most relationships and marriages are the product of happenstance, circumstances, or some arbitrary time frame goal set by one or both individuals. Clearly unhappy marriages without children have less pressure to stay together. Sometimes divorce really is the best option for everyone involved. It allows a person a second chance at finding happiness. A happy home is the product of a loving couple. One man's opinion! :-)

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 5 years ago from Canada

      Mahabhava, some people do decide to divorce, and that is their personal choice. Yes, bad marriages can be very difficult for children, too. But divorcing won't necessarily make it better for those kids, because they love both the parents. Divorce usually means they lose a great deal of access to one of the parents, which is usually very hard on them.

      Divorce is never an easy decision, and my heart goes out to whoever is in that situation. Take care and thanks so much for the comment.

    • Mahabhava 5 years ago

      Sometimes people marry by mistake and later they are unhappy. So having a divorce is a much better option than to be miserable for life. Sometimes love is gone a long time ago and people stay together just to keep their appearances...this is also kind of lie shared by them both. And these dysfunctional "families" are harmful to the kids as well. So in many cases the divorce can be the only suitable and possible option to end the lie and move on.

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      Sharilee Swaity 5 years ago from Canada

      Sinea, I agree. The kids always suffer, and it hurts them immensely. I completely agree that "the LORD is the only one that heal that kind hurt." So very true. Thanks for the insightful comment. Take care.

    • Sinea Pies profile image

      Sinea Pies 5 years ago from Northeastern United States

      Great hub. For those who say it would be better for the kids, they must not know too many families suffering from divorce. Only the Lord can heal that kind of hurt.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 6 years ago from Canada

      Jamie, thank you for your comment and heartfelt words. I know ... it is so sad for children who need their parents but things don't work out for them. Nobody wins. And I know what you mean about addiction ... I think often the addict is the MOST loving and uses to cover inner pain. Great comment, and take care!

    • Jamie Brock profile image

      Jamie Brock 6 years ago from Texas

      It's so sad about the high divorce rates. My heart hurts for the children involved. It's such a hard situation especially if you are married to an addict that you know in your heart is a good man and LOVES his kids but can't seem to get it together. Thank you for taking the time to write this informative hub. Voted up and useful

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      Sharilee Swaity 6 years ago from Canada

      Fashionjewelry, I agree with you 100%!! One of the first things I said in this article was this:

      "As well, let me make this very clear. If your spouse is unfaithful, abusive, addictive, or has left you and moved on, then divorce might not only be an option, but your only choice."

      I am completely against staying in an abusive relationship, and mentioned that several times in this series. I have had experience with abuse in my own life, so in no way advocate staying with an abuser or an addict, unless you get help.

      Thank you for your comment, and take care.

    • fashionjewelry10 6 years ago

      How can a child have confidence in an abusive relationship. There may be ten reasons not to get divorced but there are ten more not to stay in an explosive relation. There are people who take advantage of domestic laws and pervert them to destroy others.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 6 years ago from Canada

      Montie Bird, thank you so much for commenting. I'm sorry for what you are going through. It is very frustrating to see someone let their worst side out when they get married, but it seems to be often the case.

      I think people let it all when they get married because they feel safe, and able to relax, now that they are married. It seems to happen to most of us, but I think in time, they will balance out. Take care, and thank you so much for commenting.

    • montie bird profile image

      montie bird 6 years ago from Detroit-Atlanta-New York

      answer this !!!!!!!you can know some one for 5 years and once you get married you see a different side

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 6 years ago from Canada

      Ms. Dee, thank you so much. I am glad that it rang true for you, because it confirms my ideas. Take care and thanks for stopping by!

    • Ms Dee profile image

      Deidre Shelden 6 years ago from Texas, USA

      Everything you say is so true!

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 6 years ago from Canada

      DawnM, you make such an excellent point, and bring up an issue that is separate from the remarriage itself: the process that it takes to get to remarriage. It is such good advice to keep the kids completely out of the process, because dating can be so unpredictable. Thank you so much for making this point. Take care!

    • dawnM profile image

      Dawn Michael 6 years ago from THOUSAND OAKS

      Hi prairieprincess, thank-you for writing this article it is very good topic and will help many people who are on the fence about getting a divorce. When there are children involved a divorce is a whole new topic as opposed to people who don’t have children involved. When children are involved it will affect their lives, in fact as they get older and are more accustomed to a family life it is even harder than when they are younger and have no recollection of an intact family life. If you have young children and know that you are 100% sure that you want a divorce get it while the kids are young, but that is not where it ends, go to counseling and find out why the marriage ended, get your life tougher and the children’s life together and do not start dating. My one big concern when men and women get a divorce is they start the pattern all over again with a new boyfriend or girlfriend. Especially for women bringing a new man around her kids is a scary thing with all of the abuse that happens with step fathers, so I always say to women, do not jump into anything, if it feels too good it is. Don’t introduce children to your dating scene or people in it, keep it a separate pat of your life, drama and all. When we talk about children not wanting to get married from divorced families this is one factor that is not brought up and that is all of the dating, heartache and crap that a child will have to witness their parents going thorough in the dating world, no wonder they would not want to grow up and get married!

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 6 years ago from Canada

      Jasmine, thanks so much for sharing your heart, and sorry for what you have all been through. It's hard.

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 6 years ago from Canada

      Lady Wordsmith, Thank you so much for sharing of your heart. I appreciate what you are saying, and your different viewpoint, based on experience. Perhaps there are exceptions to this rule, and all the better. It's good to hear that you were able to get through it, and have it be okay, and not affect you.

      I'm not saying dogmatically that people should stay together for the kids, but I guess that they should definitely make them a big factor in their decision. And of course, everyone has to decide for themselves. I just wanted to offer some ideas from the other side. Take care, and I enjoy dialoguing with you! All the best!

    • Jasmine JellyBaby 6 years ago

      I agree with the first point.. Kids. Although am not yet married but divorce has always surrounded me. My friends and family have suffered from it and I sure hell don't want to ever go through it. Nice hub.

    • Lady Wordsmith profile image

      Lady Wordsmith 6 years ago from Lancaster, UK

      Hi Prairieprincess. Excellent hub, thank you.

      I agree with you on most points, apart from one. You said that '...reason number one for not divorcing is the kids. It does hurt them. Period.' I don't believe that this is strictly true - I know of many children who have not been at all hurt by divorce, and I am included in this group. My friend recently left her husband and her small children have barely been affected at all - and they're only 7 and 4. They've never had a moment of sadness, never felt confused, never felt anger towards either parent. If the children are put first when a marriage breaks down then there is every chance that they will not be hurt - it's just not true that children are hurt, period, because not all children are. Talking to the children, with both parents together, is key to making divorce a smooth process for them. Playing up the positives really helps - and there can be many positives :)

      My parents divorcing was the best thing to happen when I was in my teens - there was no abuse in the relationship, not even any outward signs of an unhappy marriage. My parents drifted apart, and my mum just did not love my dad any more. My younger brother was not the least bit saddened by the split, and neither was I. We understood, because it was well explained to us, that my parents did not love each other any longer. This was fine. We also understood that for them to live in a loveless marriage for any longer was unfair to them - there are not only children in a family, the happiness of the parents is just as important. I don't think that staying together for the children is always a good idea - if it's bearable then fine, personal choice. But children are very likely to pick up the fact that something's not right with their parents' relationship - and in later life, when they realise they were the reason their parents didn't split, they can feel latent guilt (I know about this, as I now know that my mum stayed with my dad for a lot of years because she thought it was best for my brother and I).

      But as you say, you are not trying to blanket anyone, and all families are different. It just has to be that each marriage is taken case by case - it's up to each of us to weigh up the arguments and decide which course is best for everyone.

      Food for though - thank you :)


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      Sharilee Swaity 6 years ago from Canada

      Onegoodwoman, thank you! Once again, your writing has brought tears to my eyes: this was such a beautiful recollection. You should write a song about this, seriously! :)))

    • onegoodwoman profile image

      onegoodwoman 6 years ago from A small southern town


      There was a rough summer, looking back, I do not know how my hubby survived me.......I blamed him for everything...if he called home, he was interrupting me, if he did not, he was ignoring me........I thought of divorce and I had money enough to rent a house, make my move.........I was more than capable of providing a home, food, medical coverage for my children, than many women in bad situations are. In truth, the fault was within husband had caused me no harm.

      I remember, laying down in our bed, and thinking, this move would mean:

      the sound of his big truck, would never again come down my driveway

      he would never again sit on the porch swing with me

      I would never again have "the shirt" to comfort me in his absence

      he would never again sit at my breakfast table

      he would not be there with me when a new family member would be born or pass away

      he would not be willing to get up from his bed and change my tire or jump start my car

      he would not ever again, fix my broken water pipe so I could continue fixing supper

      the woman he escorted him to dinner....would not be me

      You get my drift, yes, I could leave, but I would be leaving THIS MAN behind. He would see 'tomorrow' without me.

      By the Grace of God, we made it through that summer, 15 years ago. I could not be happier anywhere than I am beside him.

      Your message, here today, needed to be said!

    • prairieprincess profile image

      Sharilee Swaity 6 years ago from Canada

      Tipoague, great to see you, and thank you so much! I agree, communication is gold in marriage.

    • tlpoague profile image

      Tammy 6 years ago from USA

      I think one thing that is a major in a marriage is communication. Great hub!

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