I love writing about relationship topics, especially ones that are controversial and difficult to manage.
Is Your Partner's Family a Dealbreaker?
Breaking up with someone you still love is one of the most painful things to go through in life. Many have asked, "Why would you break up with someone if you still love them?" I was one of them when I was younger.
But as I grew older and racked up enough relationship experience to make any girl go crazy, I have learned a few lessons. I know now that loving someone does not necessarily mean that you are compatible. It may sound sad, but love is not the only thing needed to sustain a relationship. Sometimes issues get in the way such as trust, jobs, college, friends, and family.
That may be no surprise to some, and a total shocker for others. Sometimes, you find yourself thinking of ending things because of their family—specifically their parents. In this situation, I found that there are some key questions to ask yourself before making a difficult decision.
1. Do Their Parents Like You?
I thought this question only pertained to high schoolers because of the parents' ability to prevent their children from dating certain people. I have been pretty lucky because my father never, ever told me who I could and could not date. He has always been pleasant to anyone I dated, no matter how they looked or what he actually thought of them. He lets me make my own choices, and therefore my own mistakes.
So when I started a relationship with a man whose mother refused to admit that he was 22 and not 12, I was completely beside myself with confusion and frustration. I know now that I was not the only one to experience this. It is actually quite common, especially when you date an only child. I'm willing to bet that a large majority of those who will read this have experienced this, or are experiencing it now.
When one or both parents refuse to admit that their child has grown up, it becomes about ten times more important that they like you than in normal dating circumstances. Sure, at some point in any serious relationship, it becomes pretty important that their parents at least ACCEPT you, and life is much easier when they like you. But when an overbearing parent doesn't like you, the relationship can be doomed.
2. Do You Like Their Parents?
It sounds very harsh to say that this is more important, but let's be brutally honest. How easy can a relationship be when you can't stand each other's parents? It doesn't really matter what your reasons for hating them are. Any husband or wife that loathes their in-laws will tell you that holidays are miserable, blood pressure levels spike whenever they hear the phone ring, and they become great at finding reasons NOT to visit them.
So if you know you can't stand them in the dating phase, why would you devote your life to that sort of stress and misery? The answer for many is love. You will take one for the team and become a martyr for that love. The problem is, how long do you think it will take before fights and resentment arise due to your strained relationship with his or her parents? If they love their parents, they will begin to resent you for not feeling the same, or for trying to pull them apart. And you will begin to resent them because you will constantly feel that you come second to their parents in any disagreement.
Think about whether you'd rather end the relationship on good terms now, or horrible ones in several years.
3. Do You Actually Like Your Partner?
Really think about this. How much do you actually like your partner? How committed are you? If you think your relationship could last the test of time, it might be worth trying to reconcile with their parents. You don't want to let a good thing go just because you don't get along with their parents. But as mentioned above, sometimes it's better to cut your losses early, rather than down the line. So if their parents are toxic and causing you too much grief, you may need to make the difficult decision to break up or find an effective way to distance yourself from them.
But also, if you look at your partner and see red flags or possible dealbreakers, why are you still with them? Don't stay in a relationship just because you don't want to deal with a breakup. In this scenario, the decision should be a no-brainer.
4. Is There Hope?
If you've made it this far, thank you. I'm aware that a lot of what is written here makes me seem like a jaded, bitter crone with no hope at all. But the truth is, some situations do have hope for improvement. But improvement requires a compromise on everyone's part. You, your significant other, and their parents must be able to find a middle ground for things to get any better. The one thing you all have in common is: you love him/her. That is a place to start, but it is not the only needed agreement.
It is difficult to get everyone to come to agreeable terms when one or more parties refuse to see everyone's perspective. You need to understand that you are dating someone's baby, and they only want to protect their child from getting hurt and to see them prosper. Their ways of showing that might be crazy, but their intent is good. They need to see that you love their child for who they are and want to share in their joy and happiness while you are together. And your significant other needs to be able to see that they cannot take sides in order to keep the peace.
Consider for a moment that a situation like this is probably hardest on the one you're dating. They have two or three people they love, but no one can get along, and they don't know whose side to choose.
5. Who Do You Really Have a Problem With?
I can tell you that the relationship with I spoke of ended. I finally decided I could not take a mother that actually gave her son money just so he would take her side of a disagreement. Or that's what my reason was at the time, anyway. But as time went on, I realized that what I actually couldn't handle was dating a man who could be so easily bribed and manipulated.
Many times, you spend weeks, months, or even years raging about how much you can't stand a person's family, and never even realize that's not the whole truth. Many times, your biggest problem is the behavior your significant other has that allows his or her family to continue acting that way. This is a very hard reality to face, but one that is all too often true.
In the end, the choice is yours. You need to decide what will make you happy and keep your sanity.
Tips for Meeting the Parents
Making a great first impression is crucial to building a foundation of any parental relationship. These tips will help you avoid awkwardness and be your best self.
1. Ask Questions
Show interest! Try to get to know their parents on a personal level. If you're going to be with your partner for a long time, you need to establish a relationship with them by getting to know them, just like you did when you first met your partner.
2. Dress Appropriately
Don't show up in a stained shirt or a super revealing dress. Of course, don't feel like you can't dress like yourself. It will be confusing if you're dressed completely differently the next time you see them. Just make it as clean and classy as you can.
3. Be Mindful About PDA
If you are a very affectionate couple, it can be difficult not to be all over each other all the time. But too much PDA can make any parent uncomfortable. That being said, small tokens of affection may actually make them feel assured that you're in a good place in your relationship . . . but no making out or groping, please!
4. Offer to Help
If you're going over for a meal, don't just sit there while their parents do all the work! Offer to help. No matter how small the task, they will appreciate that you asked.
5. Be Honest
Don't lie! The truth will eventually come out. If you lie about your profession, your family, or your likes/dislikes, when those topics come up later, their parents may question your character.
So, Should You Break Up With Someone Because of Their Parents?
Hopefully, after reading this article you've figured out that this something you have to decide for yourself. By asking yourself these five questions, you can find clarity and become better equipped to handle the situation. No matter what you choose, remember to be honest with yourself, your partner, and their parents about how you're feeling. Communication is key in any relationship—regardless if it's romantic or platonic.
But What If *Your* Parents Don't Like Your Significant Other?
So, you now know how to make a decision regarding your SO's parents . . . but what if your own parents are causing the problem?
It should be easier to communicate with your own parents rather than someone else's—but of course, every family situation is different.
If you are able, sit your parents down and ask them why they feel the way they do. Hear them out. Are they afraid to "let you go"? Do they think that your SO is a bad influence? There are often solutions to these problems, even if you have to have an uncomfortable conversation first.
No matter how you decide to tackle this issue, take the advice from the video above and DON'T just hide your relationship from your parents to avoid having a conversation.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2009 ChrissyDean
Abbie on August 17, 2020:
There is one sentence in there i don’t agree with.
“ Their ways of showing that might be crazy, but the intent is a good one.”
This isn’t always necessarily true. I’m marrying into a family where my fiancé’s mother had her kids taken away from her due to physical abuse, and in his adult years, has not accepted the fact that while he was taken away from her, he grew up. Her intentions are never with his best interest at heart, only her own. She’s very selfish and goes out of her way to make things difficult for him.
She’s completely intimidated by me because I’m the first respectful and caring female he’s had in his life and she can’t stand me for it.
Otherwise, great article and thank you for sharing! Good to know I’m not alone
Ayisha on April 18, 2020:
I don't know what to do? My boyfriend isnt so great, keeps forgetting things and is lazy af. But sometimes when everything's going wrong his presence alone gives me strength. but i dont like his family. Sometimes i wonder if i should just end the relationship cos i know there's no future and im not the kind of one who can adjust for long.
Little indian on July 28, 2019:
I am in a very similar position. I have been going out with my partner for 5 years even though his parents hated me and we never even met. My partner said he would marry me even if they said no, he said he could leave them but in the end he couldn't. We ended it because he couldn't leave his family but said he would still try and wanted to marry me once they have agreed. I would have maybe waited if he had been honest from the start and told me that he could never leave his parents but instead he got engaged to me at my parents house and promised he would marry me. Deep down I had a feeling he wouldn't and once I realised and accepted this I was able to deal with things better and see things more clearly. He never defended me when his family did ill to me and didn't fully try to convince them so I decided it's best that we end it. He wants me to wait but there is no guarantee that it will happen. His parents even said yes at one point but are now saying no, they are so indecisive and controlling and I am hurt that my partner cannot see that and is letting them blackmail him (i.e saying that they will disown him if we marry). This I don't think would have happened, they would have come around eventually. But now I don't trust him at all and feel as though he doesn't respect me enough to have told me the truth from the start. I thought love was always enough for a relationship to work but it's not. Trust, honesty and respect is the biggest things, if any one of those is not present in your relationship then it becomes very hard to carry on. Everything happens for a reason so I just have to believe in that and know that I did the right thing for myself. It's hard to overcome all the emotions and accept the reality but once you do, you will feel so free and realise that you are creating a better future for yourself.
czels on July 18, 2019:
im a single mom of 6 years old girl, i got pregnant with my ex but our relationship didnt work so i decided to just let him go and move on with my life. years past, i decided to work abroad,
To make this story short.
It all started with the instagram messages(chat box) , my ultimate crush on my secondary level message me and i entertain him since i really like him very much, after a months ,were chatting everyday like boyfriends and girlfriends and end up with a relationship with him.
our relationship is full of love and we move forward to the next level which is we decided to live together , at first everything is sweet , but then in time it is really true that in a relationship its not just about "LOVE" when you are in a relationship there is a lot of issues, and its hard to deal with it .
One of the problem im facing right now, is the mother of my boyfriend i understand her, he wants whats the best for his son, thats why she ask my boyfriend not to live with me anymore since were not married yet and it feels like my heart is breaking , i dont know what to do i give everything to my boyfriend , even im a single mom i never live eith my exboyfriend before while im pregnant. this is the first time i live with the guy and that is my boyfriend now!
The thing is his mother cried at him and doesnt want him to comeback and this make me really crazy. i dont know what to do i love him very much that he became my world. i hate mysefl for loving him so much!!
If things didnt work out , for us maybe its time for me to give up! i just need to pray , i know god he will give whats the best for me , i dont need to beg for love even im single mom, theres someone outthere who can love me for what i am.
Benjamin on January 07, 2019:
Well let's start thing off by saying my girlfriends parents made my girlfriend break up with me because they just hate doing everyone in particular.... which they never even met me.... but when I told her we can tell the mom we r friends and see ecother around and at school, she said her brother would be sent to spy on us, that's when I just realized that if she truly loved me then she would have don even that's at the risk of getting caught. I then later told her that and she flipped out and said it's not my fault my parents told me to dump you. She then told me that well she was moving soon about 12days From here, then I cried... I then realized that our relationship was over.... I still love her even though all of this happened. At the beginning of mine and her relationship I promised that "No matter what happens or where you are I will always love you!" I am going to stick to that promise even if I can't have her for the rest of my life. I have always treated her like my queen and an angel, and she doesn't have it in her heart to keep this a secret.
Here is one of the things I wrote her...
We ride together
Like waves in the ocean
Hold you down through whatever
To wherever we going
I'll be the sun and the stars in your sky
No matter what happens
I will be by your side
I cried in front of my friends and they'd said "I know you loved her but you have to move on" "you will find someone better" "just give it some time and you'll be better" but I don't wanna wait or loose her I just wanna keep her and love her like I always have.
Before mine and her relationship I was in another relationship and it was gonna kinda good actually and I broke up with that girl for this girl because I loved her and she made me happy... I'm gonna end this here because I'm starting to cry to the point where I can't see! Thanks for reading this if you did.
Feeling awful on December 21, 2018:
Well i just broke up with my gf a few nights ago. She definitely at least had this viewpoint about my mom that she thinks she coddles me. Its true in a way that my mom would do anything for me but i keep it in check and have chosen my gf over my mom in many ways. Having said that my mom has never treated her poorly but theres always this insane tension between them where they don't know how to develop a relationship or talk to each other because when we first started dating and i was still living at home my mom was trying to do what she thought i wanted which is to just leave the two of us alone and i guess i was just bad at comingling them. But it developed into these feelings that my mom avoids her and doesnt talk and it created a lot of ill feelings.
The other side of it is her family. I've never hated anyone more in my life than her family. Directly they have been nice to me (at least parents) but they make her miserable and it makes her so much more negative about life and it just got too much to handle and i hate them for making things so difficult for her and for us. I just couldnt handle all the negativity and tension from her family that always ends up bleeding into the relationship.
Sexy on December 04, 2018:
My mom hated my boyfriend. He was everything l wanted in a guy. I hurt him a lot. Even lied to him.Made him believe my mom like him which was a lie. I would anything to be with him. But I don’t want to hurt my mom feelings.It hurt me so much. I wish my mom could accept him. I can’t live without him.
Coloradogirl79 on November 12, 2018:
I just ended a 13 year old marriage because my in laws specifically my mother in-law was awful to me. She never accept me she would try to bully me and break me down. She would get the other family members against me. They would make passive aggressive comments to critique me about everything my parenting my clothes where I came from. I stayed strong I would play the game. My ex husband would deny it saying I was crazy and his mom loved me. We ended up getting divorced in August and alot of the truth came out then. My ex husband never defended me. I thought when you get married I always supposed to be his partner. Every Holliday we always did what his mom wanted. I felt like a weird stepchild and not his wife.
Cat on October 05, 2018:
I hate my fiance’s family, they represent everything that i hate in this world, no joke, it’s like the universe is playing a prank on me.
I am a free spirited atheist vegetarian who loves rock music, has tattoos, a career and my fiancee’s father is a pastor with a God complex. During our 8 year relationship him and his mother made my half’s life a living hell by telling them we lived in sin, that they are dissapointed with his life choices, that i’m a pagan and he needs to break up with me..... 8 years....and they have treated me like garbage,but i put up with it because i know he is the one for me. In the begining i even went to a few of his father’s sermons to please them, i shut up whenever they say something that actually hits my personal morals so that i don’t create drama in their family, like them saying that gay people are an abomination and that a family is only between a woman and man. They say things like that to get a rise out of me knowing fully well how it hurts. The last time my fiance actually told his father to stop, his mother started yelling at him so loudly that you couldn’t actually understand the words anymore, she was raging like a wild animal saying all sorts of insane things like if she drops dead we can’t go to her grave etc( with small kids in the room as well).
It’s a masivelly toxic and emotionally abusive environment that i simply can’t take anymore. We don’t live in the same country anymore as we have moved abroad but still visit every 6 months and keep in touch with them.
I hate them with every fibre of my being and it kills me with guilt that i shut up when i hear them spewing bigotry because of the love i have for my fiance, knowing that if he stands up for me they go balistic and it ends with me and him crying anyway, and they guilt trip him into apologising all the time. They are so medieval that they don’t see me as an actual woman because i work, with no kids yet, and apparently a real woman stays at home to have children and take care of the house like their daughter at 25, highschool drop out and 4 kids.....He is the love of my life but i can’t take his family for the rest of my life, i’m very torn to the point i can’t sleep.What should i do?
Ekta tiwari on September 27, 2018:
I hadn't breakup with my boyfriend and he broke with me saying that his parents hate me, even he told a lie that his father beat his mother so badly that her hand got fractured.
My doubt start on you when he had gone to his hometown and never want to return back as he is somehow committed to another girl and then I came to know that my bf told each and every lie with me just to be far from me.
he want me in this relationship beacuse he want me to bring to bed for only sex and when this is done he abuses me, say wrong words to me. on the other hand I want this relationship to convert into marriage but he says that he never want this relationship to convert into marriage because I am not that type of a girl for him.
I don't understand one thing why my boy break me after knowing my past and all the problems I have gone through?
Danika on September 12, 2018:
To the rest of the world my boyfriend is a gentle, no-conflict guy. But he is gullible, he is a coward, he has no backbone, and he will never stand up for me. He has broken up with me before because his father advised him to (the father's reasoning is that I am not Seventh Day Adventist like his family).
I have read the other post comments, and noticed majority of them are from teens and young adults. My boyfriend and I are almost thirty!!!! I am with a grown man baby. I do love him, but i'm sorry to say that I will never marry him.
I need a man.
confused and upset 20 something year old on August 18, 2018:
I met my boyfriend when we were 18/17-first bf/gf for both of us. His best friend is my friend from primary school (still is!) and I really like being with him.
We haven’t been perfect, took a lot for him (and me) to grow up, move out of home and to a different city-I helped him get into uni-something he assumed would never happen- and now I and my parents are so proud that he is about to become an engineer and graduate! He is very bright, reads avidly now, is in a walking club with me, regularly has dinner/drinks with my friends, goes to the gym and swims with me and even is friends with many of my pacifist friends-even though he’s joining the navy!
He is really supportive of my degree (English lit) regularly goes to the theatre with me, watches literary film adaptations with me, spends xmas with my family, likes my sister a lot, gets on really well with my best friend-and my/his friends (we have parties with all of them and everyone gets on really well).
My parents make the same money as his (they are teachers) his dad earns a lot and his mother doesn’t (didn’t finish school) and relies on his dad for money-although I am sure he likes that she doesn’t work-he is incredibly controlling, sexist and racist.
The first time my mum met his mum she came into our house-I was living at home then-she launched herself onto the sofa and cried about one of her many falls outs with my bfs dad-he got her to leave their home (can’t remember why) I know he was drunk and angry because he called me to blame me for it and called me a b***h for saying I didn’t want to get involved but I understood it was probably difficult for him…she ended up staying for a week, they made up and then told all of her friends and my bfs extended family that my mum was a bitch (not my dad for some reason??) she embarrassed us crying etc in front of my god mother on bonfire night while she was staying so I got her to come to the fireworks with me and my bf to get her out of the house she said it was s**t and weird that we were hanging out with her. Oh and her dog came to stay even though we have a cat-fair to say we were bloody accommodating…
Half a year later and my parents invite them to new years for dinner, his dad got drunk on whiskey he brought with him-and didn’t share-that’s all they brought over….and was rude to everyone including my extended family while his mum just sat and giggled…
The four times I stayed at his house they got drunk and made really inappropriate sex jokes about me and my bf, asked me why I wanted to do a degree if I wanted to be a mother, and he made so many sexist and racist jokes about women and my mum-who is brown…still makes a point of smirking and mispronouncing her very simple name…
Second time they refused to take me to the bus stop in the morning and didn’t even offer me a glass of water in the morning…I had to walk half an hour to get to the bus stop-they live outside the city I live in the suburbs…
In between the second and third time we went a few hundred miles to meet his mum’s v catholic family (who were lovely and supportive when his dad got drunk) and his dad told everyone my bf and I were having sex-we were two years into the relationship at this point. Bfs uncle quickly asked me to help with the dishes and whisked me into the other room, said he was so sorry, could see I was a lovely girl and his dad’s always been disgusting, the family understand I’m not like that.
Third time they ordered take out and didn’t get enough for me-knowing far in advance I was coming- then got upset when I sat quietly.
The final time his dad insisted we stay in my bfs room and when I came down for a drink I realised he was very drunk (half a bottle of whiskey on the table and he was talking really loudly). This is the worst part, he called me a middle class c*** and grabbed my arm and shoved me out of the house. My bf left with me and I had no contact for a year
Until the day me and my bf moved into our flat at uni (my parents bought it for us-we pay very low rent) and control who lives with us, what we buy for the flat, decorating etc…they got us a new bathroom, kitchen tops, oven, washing machine, tumble dryer and most of our furniture) and he came to the door to ‘shake my hand and put it all behind us’ and I said I wasn’t ready, and wanted an apology, he called me an f***ing c*** and told me to go f myself…nice intro to the neighbours!
Meanwhile I agreed to go 400 miles with my bf to his mum’s family because her close family member died, she told everyone my mum was a vile gold digger who took her boy away from her-my parents invite him to everything including xmas but appreciate when he doesn’t come but have said clearly they want him to know he’s part of the family as much as he wants to be….
Fast forward to last month, we’re staying at my parents’ house for an interview-they’re at our nearest city and I needed to do some teaching exams/my bf needed to go to the centre of the city for a central navy exam…
And we parked my bfs car which was immediately clamped…with £1000 fine more than we both had at the time combined…his parents insisted on paying a toll road when he visited them (there and back) –even though my bf called them to check they paid-they said yes (I made sure I heard that! Do not trust them with money!! His dad gambled two houses away….) my retired dad had to bail us out …we’re paying him back ofc!! Because his dad said he should leave the car there, he doesn’t need it. And when my bf told him he wouldn’t be able to get into the navy with that, he said it wasn’t his problem…and his mum added that he’d turned 18 and doesn’t need any help…they’ve never helped us emotionally/financially/only call to tell him things that happen with the family
his dad sent an email to me telling me not sorry but that he’d ‘largely forgotten about the incident and had moved on’ I was going to reply restating I needed an apology but my bfs grandad died and the other found out he had advanced cancer..(the dad’s father/stepfather) so bf went a few hundred miles with him and the mum-who are going through another bitter break up-far too much oversharing-telling him in explicit detail about their many affairs (both of them).
I text the family and say I am so sorry I can’t be there, I wanted to be but that things are difficult, and so sorry for their loss etc.…they reply kindly saying they are ashamed of them both…
His mum comes over to leave the dog with me while they are away…bf really doesn’t want the dog in a kennel…thinks this will be a good time for his mum to apologise….i reluctantly agree and she winds up calling me a gold digging b***h who is taking her son away from her because she is still refusing to pay the fine…bf sticks up for me…she cries saying she is sad because her brother died (not pretending that isn’t terrible…don’t know what I’d do if my sister died) but it was four years before this….so I said I’m so sorry about that, I went to his funeral and really liked him etc.. But that doesn’t give you the right to call me those things, get us into debt etc.…she tells my bf to ‘control his b***h’ bf leaves with her to go to the funeral and I’m stuck with the dog now…meanwhile the second grandad dies….really couldn’t make this up….they say when I call my bf to comfort him that I’m just after his money….
we've been together five years and my parents are helping us by giving us a big deposit for our first home...
Leo on August 17, 2018:
Good morning, I normally would not comment and reach out for help on the internet but here goes nothing.. I am a 20 year old man and my mom treats me like a child. I want to go places and do adventerous things but my mom stifles that because of my gitlfriend. Not that there is anything wrong with her, but she seethes at the idea of me being grown up/ going places alone with her overnight. She believes that this is deemed to be "unwholesome." My mom is about 55 and she lived in a time when the whole travelling thing with your SO was for married couples. She got married and had me around 30. So I understand I am still a child in her eyes. My girlfriend (whom I love very much) brought this to my attention as her and her whole family realize how strict my mom is with me. Her friends think that she is in another bad relationship because every single time I ask to go somewhere, I have to be home at a certain time (usually 10:30 or 11) and it prevents me from spending time that I want to spend with the girl I love. I dont know what to do and I really want to make this relationship work. I could see myself marrying this girl, but I want her to bein a relationship with me and not my mom. My girlfriend is 19 and I know many of you think that might be too young to feel a certain way or whatever, but I am concerned about right now and how I could make my future better. I fully believe that with her in my future, it automatically makes it a good one. This is the only problem in our relationship and I am afraid it is going to tear us apart, even though she insists that it wont. I believe her, but at the same time I want to fix this issue with my mom because I cant be treated like a child any longer.
Jenn on August 13, 2018:
Hii well im just really sad my mom dont let me date the guy i love she’s always saying bad stuff about him and Always remembering about his past she has made me break up with him and block she even told me that we might be moving away because of my boyfriend and that if we go to the same school she will move me , honestly idk what to do should i figth for my love or should I listen to my parents idk whats right.. she’s always saying that ima have a bad life with him if i get married with him , and always tells me that alot of people don’t like him but i dont care isnt it my opinion?
My girlfriend is poor on August 07, 2018:
I'm not sure if anyone else has experienced this but I grew up living comfortably. I guess you could say my family is well off. I was in a serious relationship with this girl from a poor family for 3 years. She has been nothing but wonderful and so loving. Not once did she expect any money or lavish gifts from me nor did she want anything. She loved me for who I was and only asked for my company.
However, her family was holding her back financially and she couldn't live the life she wanted. She wanted to travel but couldn't. She was financially responsible for her parents and their retirement. She had too big of a heart to let her parents be parents.
I introduced her to my family 1 year into the relationship, and long story short, they didn't like her because of the lack of wealth her and her family had. They knew her family would put a strain on me mentally and potentially financially. So they never accepted her. 2 years my family stood their ground. 2 years my girlfriend tried to win them over. But those 2 years, I never defended her when they berated her.
So we parted ways because my parents never accepted her and also because I never grew a backbone.
5 years later, I regret it til this day. She is now with another guy, 3 years strong, just as wealthy, and I've seen photos of her and his family happily spending time together.
We are acquaintances now due to mutual friends. She doesn't know I'm still madly in love with her.
I'm happy for her that her boyfriend's family loves and accepts who she is. But at the same time, I'd do anything to start over with her. She was my first love and only love of my life.
Think on August 03, 2018:
You hold the power of choosing who to marry. You have a brain, use it. Despite your parents' opinions, if she treats you right and she is the right person for you, marry her. Sometimes parents miss the point because their way of thinking is stuck in the past.
Tyler on July 29, 2018:
I have always been the nicest possible to my boyfriends mom, the only thing i did that i truly regret ( i was much younger, it's been a year now) was i called her boyfriend a dick for complaining about my boyfriend. So she messaged me on instagram, stalked his phone messages on all apps, made all of his social media accoumts block me, and went as far to even say she'd make him move away if i ended up in the same school as him, since we've been together since middles school. I really don't know how to handle her, and she had been so nice to me and helped me a lot, until she found out i went by tyler (i had her use my birthname to protect my mother's knowing, whom i am now out to) and she decided that i was a bad rep for him, because i once had beer, because i used to smoke when i was really lonely and depressed in middle school, and when i used to self harm. She found an old self harm blog i had, and since then, she has trashed me one everything evrrywhere. She refuses to recognize pronouns, and refuses to let him even go outside to see friends to "protect" him from me. Since then, i have avoided anything i could get in troubke for, and i completely stopped posting opinionated things on my instagram. Even lest week, she found out he waas talking to me again, and made hin block me. She goes out of her way to get me into trouble, and even my mom is sick of her, but i would never break up with someone over their parents, unless the parent is dping it long after the child has passed 18, which i am now 15, and he is 14. I wish she was just sligtly less bearing in all of this, and even if she doesn't like me, i'd wish she would bother to hear me out. I apologized to her with hand written and mailed letters, and she still called me "an ugly white girl who wants to be a boy" and it just hurts to hear her remarks in public. She told my mom i need to choose between my sexuality and gender. She claimed to be supportive until i came out To her. Which i had been out a year before i told her, my parents were the only ones i needed to test.
Nouman on July 17, 2018:
She would leave me becuase of my mother, and its not my mother's fualt, neither her's, but i hope that she understands that my mother just needs care and love, and she has never harmed me, or anyone else. I just pray to God to help both of us. Amen
sharna limm on July 13, 2018:
Im 18 years old and im really not sure why his father hates me because i've done nothing to him its because someone has been passing nasty vile rumors about me and its unfair because hes putting me down and making me wonder what to do about it. hes sent me nasty vile message about me and slagging me off to people round town, my boyfriend has been sticking up for me and telling his dad that he loves me and staying with me because his dad wants him to get with another girl that tried to break me and my boyfriend up.
Al on July 12, 2018:
@whyyy I'm not sure if this will be of help or if you'll see this but firstly, maybe you can try communicating with your parents. Calmly ask them their reason behind the issue of dating, and see if there's anything you can do to prove to them your maturity and possibly make a compromise. Also being 17, you're one year closer to legally be an adult, which means you will be at the age of making many of your own decisions. Don't be afraid to reach for what's best for you, but at the same time, see if maintaining a good relationship with your parents is an option. As for your current boyfriend, it sounds like losing time from communication and him accidentally learning about means that eventually you both will have to talk and be honest with one another. It's not easy, but if you will find out easily if he really is the one for you (you are still very young)! If he is honest with you and is willing to accept/help you with these issues, then you have good reason to keep dating, although he can only help so much. And in the end if things don't work out, don't be too discouraged. Life has ups and downs and it sounds like you already have a lot of great qualities going for you to find great relationships. Stay strong, calm and believe in yourself! Good luck!
whyyy on July 08, 2018:
I am 17 and my dad and step mom want a christian man for me. I have a very hurtful past and my past relationship was just too toxic for too long. As I got over the relationship I found myself and was finally able to say that I didn't need a guy to be happy because I was finally happy with being independent. One day a guy hmu and tbh I thought that he was just going to be a fuckboy or someone who was just planning on using me. I doubted how good he was. i mean he is popular, excellent scholar, and almost every girl can say that he is cute. He redefined a boyfriend for me and showed me what it is to truly care for someone. He demonstrated that he was in it for the best and he constantly reassured me that we would work out because to him something good takes time. I am not allowed to date and we had been dating for almost 5 months. my parents found out a couple days before my birthday that he was my boyfriend and my step mom, dad, and mom were all upset. but what upset them the most is that I lied to them to go hang out with him. i've never done anything sexual with him because he respects me and has never pressured me into doing anything with him. he is patient and showed me that he was going to wait for me. but when my parents found out that I had lied to them to go out with him, my boyfriend, they totally flipped. what hurts is that my step mom was so angry that she texted him behind my back and was telling him all the bad things I had done in the past and why I was immature and a liar and a deceiver and she told him that we weren't allowed to be together anymore and that if we ever tried to "re-start" anything that she would tell his parents to make him stop talking to me. He was so sweet in his response when he told her that I was a great kid and that he thought that I was one of the most mature people he has ever met. he also said that he was not aware of all the lying and deceiving I had been doing. but the thing is, that was in the past. and yes, I understand that lying is bad and i'd be really hurt if I was lied to. but my step mom made me look like i'm a liar and a deceiver..and the fact that she told him about my past mistakes and why i'm such a bad person hurts me because I don't want him to think that I'm a liar. because i'm not, I may have lied to them but it's all been under the strict circumstances i've been in. I know who I am, and I know she did it because she was mad, but now i'm not allowed to text him and I got my phone taken away and I can't message him on social media. she also told him that she had read our messages and that I knew that our messages were being monitored, but I didn't know. and now I just look like this big fat liar and like a person who only knows to lie and deceive. I know i've lied but again, it's been under certain circumstances which I don't feel confortable explaining. I don't know what to do because for the first time I felt and was sure that someone wasn't going to leave me for better. i'm hurt and i'm scared that he won't want to speak to me again. and my mom was actually there and said that she is here to support me no matter what, but i'm not allowed to go out anymore. but I really need to tell him how I feel and i'm scared to ask her to let me talk to him. what should I do???
I need advice, any advice
Masum on July 05, 2018:
My boyfriend father insulted my father now what should I do
Hurt on June 15, 2018:
My boyfriend's parents are like the nicest people in the world..and they like me as well...the problem is that my dad doesn't like my boyfriend..it has to do with our culture..and I don't like it so much..
A on June 02, 2018:
I might break up because of this ... 5 years but I just can't anymore he is the love of my life but I just can't forgive everything his parents did to break us up and I can't forgive him for not doing anything ... I'm just so angry all the time ... Why couldn't they just let us be happy
P on May 31, 2018:
I'm going through something similar and I thought I would get some hope out of this thread ... or many others that I've visited and I just realized I'm doomed.
His parents are crazy they don't care if their children are miserable as long as they are doing what they want them to do ... which is be by their side 24/7 like 10 year olds. From day 1 they've been out to get me. We were a couple of months into the relationship and they were sure I was only with him because I wanted to get pregnant so they gave him a condom and a huge lecture on why he should dump me. I gave them no reason to think that but that must be the only reason why someone would want to date their son ... obviously.
To them there's only one way to do things ... their way. Or HER way since the Dad is just useless and agrees with everything she says no matter how insane.
The dad seems like a decent guy ... but wouldn't really know since he is incapable of thinking for himself. That woman is just crazy. She's super religious and thanks God for everything, freaks out when someone is not religious yet she's never happier than when she's critisizing someone .. she's super racist and thinks so highly of herself it makes me want to throw up. How can you be so religious and such a bad person at the same time. I'm not religious but I know those two things don't go together.
Any way here's the super adivse she's given his son: She tells him he should manipulate me .. as if relationships where all about who manipulates who, she says it's okay to stand me up and not call since he is busy doing whatever she can think of asking him to do to keep him in the house longer, he shouldn't answer my texts right away because I'm going to think he's at my beck and call.
The thing is it's been 5 years and I just can imagine spending the rest of my life with those people. I love him and we've been through so much together (basically every single fight we have is courtesy of them).
I've given this situation so much of my attention that I ended up alone. No friends anymore because all of them think I should break up with him. My career has suffered as well because I've fought so hard for him that he became the center of my attention and I just let go of everything else.
I've invested so much time in this relationship and I don't know if i should break up ... I constantly think about it but I just really believe we were meant for each other. Sometimes I wish I had never met him
anon on May 31, 2018:
I have crazy in laws as well
khushi maheshwari on May 26, 2018:
I and my bf had been dating for over 6 years now .. definitely we wanted to marry .. my mom agreed for it .. but his parents are totally against this inter caste marriage . he tried talking to them , his parents have emotionally blackmailed him , and he ended up listening to them . and now if we talk and i ask him anything regarding future he says he will never have any answers for it. but he loves me which is why he is still wanting to talk to me . but regarding future hes not ready to talk to his parents again because they'll be hurt ? what should i do ? i love him i want it to happen but it doesn't look possible
ConfusedandNeedingHelp on March 31, 2018:
My bf and I have been dating for nearly a year. I met his parents after 3-4 months after dating. I was really hesitant to do so since his parents are extremely religious and I’m not at all. Also he’s the baby boy and anytime we were hanging out his mom would blow his phone up. Long story short I finally met them and it was fine and they seemed to really like me. Later on he was going through a custody battle and figuring out if it was his or not and finally all that was over and I stayed with him and supported him right along with his parents. Then his mom showed her colors. Started going to get the child behind his back and when it was his time to get the child she’s throw a fit if he didn’t take the child immediately out there. And a lot of stuff happened that I won’t post but let’s just say after a month of non-stop drama she hurt my bf beyond what I could imagine. I love him so much and I want to be there for him but with all this my parents don’t want him around and I feel like I’m having to give up everything because of his mother. M
It doesnt matter on March 25, 2018:
I am going through a similar situation. My boyfriend he is the only child. It is very annoying. Because his mom and aunt depends on him. And everything its just him. Whenever we fight, even if i am right. I will be always wrong because to his family he is a perfecf child. Everytime we go out his mom calls to ask “ where are you” or “what time are you coming home” I understand a mother wouldn’t want to loose their only child but it is very annoying because she treats him like a child. He is 24 years old. I don’t like his mom, at first I thought i could put up with it but now it’s becoming so overwhelming. I just found out shes been talking shit about me to some of his family. I am thinking about leaving, i am at the point i am ready to brake up but at the same time I dont want to because i love him. What i hate the most is that, if he could work the whole day, 7 days straight he would and he wouldn’t care about spending any times with me. He said his family and responsibilities comes first. What about me?! Am i not family?? We barely spend time together. I am so lost, i dont know what else to do. Last time we fought, her mother told me “ you can continue doing this because he has a lot responsibility” but it was his fault. He did something that was rude and disrespectful, I didn’t like it at all.
Jade on February 20, 2018:
my bfs parents dont allow him to date should break up w/ him?
Sab on February 01, 2018:
I like this article. There is a young woman that I alway cared about but because of her friends who were my friends and her father I can’t find myself being with her. I thought I was being too harsh but I guess I am not. I don’t think she realizes that her dad makes her undateable. He’s always in the background doing something and I don’t like manipulative people. My thing is that if you feel no one isn’t good enough for your daughter then don’t let her date. The crazy part about it is that if I’m not mistaken she 25 years old. It’s kind of sad but my privacy is way more important. Also, I’m very protective of my family and her family likes to have round table talk about things and I would be violently pissed if one of them have something to say about anyone in my family. I would love it if I could see her family the same way I did because I thought that they were genuine people but hey shit happens.
What's there in the name on December 21, 2017:
Thanks!! For such articles existing over internet, my ex could have taken the decision to leave me so easily.
hill on October 17, 2017:
my bf's family is so incredibly toxic, they keep begging him for money, while he is only getting paid 11 dollars p/h. His dad even quit his job for no reason and is now leeching off of him and his older brother. My bf has a lot of things to pay for, one of the things is a 40k car because his mother made (yes, MADE) him buy it. Worst of all is his dad, who used to beat my bf up with a belt and even sexually assaulted me. My bf hates him, but sees him as his father and so, still feels obligated to stay in touch with him. I have never hated anyone as much as I hate this family. All they do is treat their sons as slaves, yelling at them and always making them pay for stuff, while they treat their daughter as a princess, never making her pay or do anything in the house. The sister is even bossing her brothers around and telling them they need to pay more (she doesn't pay a thing) and they need to love their parents more. I can not bare the idea to have them around for my entire life, but I love my boyfriend a lot.. I have thought about breaking up with him because of it, but it's not like he doesn't think of his family as a pain in the ass. He just doesn't want to feel guilty when they die that he wasn't there for them. I really feel like he should go to a freaking shrink, just to learn what's normal and what is not in a family. He has 0 communication skills, because he was never taught to speak his mind, or even what love is. The parents think their sons are owing them, because they paid for their school etc. It was their choice to even have kids, what the fuck.. Either way, I can rant about them for hours straight, they pulled a lot more of these fucking tricks.
S on August 18, 2017:
Okay, I dunno, if there is a serious problem, but here goes. My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance rlationship. We want to get married soon. His parents know that and they don't seem to have any opinion about it.
I like them - or used to - until they became weird. I was planning to stay somewhere with my boyfriend and they just got all up in our faces how that wouldn't be appropriate. 3 weeks before the flippin' trip. They made preparations to send his sister after him and whatnot. I stopped that, made another arrangement to keep them happy (which cost about 3 times as much, but they have money so they apparently never even thought about that. Oh yeah, I never saw any of that money. Also they were so disrespectfully in telling me about that and "how irresponsibly" I had planned).
His mother is often acting weird, borderline trying to gaslight both of us, saying she never said any hurtful things blah blah. I just get so irrationally angry how oblivious they are to the fact that I don't have as much cash as they do and that some things and trips need... oh wonder, planning!
Then they are super nice to my face again. I hate this two-facedness so much. If they have a problem they should come to me and straight up tell me, that's how I deal with problems. They apparently would rather spread lies and gossip and backtab.
whatever. I told my boyfriend that I'm not dealing with this shit anymore and it's up to him to deal with them.
Oh, did I mention they have been indicating things like I wa dull (because I'm German), I'm a slut (yeah, sure. A dull slut.) and my boyfriend would be so much better off with another girl they apparently like better. Also, he is too young to marry, but there must be something wrong with me because I am already 21 and not married yet.
I've given up on it. I'll be friendly, but I won't trust them.
Jenna on August 08, 2017:
My boyfriends mother does not like me and I never feel welcome in her house. She doesn't say hello to me and barely even looks at me.. We have been together for 2 and a half years now and I thought things would get better but they aren't. Things have actually gotten worse. My boyfriends father (who lives all the way across the country) has also said some choice words about me. He told my boyfriend " you need to break up with that girlfriend of yours" all because of a minor argument that my boyfriend had with his mother that had nothing to do with me. Then just recently my boyfriend has been having some groin pain caused by an injury. Well his father took that the completely wrong way and said to my boyfriend over the phone "you better go get checked because she might have given you an STD". Im devastated that his father would say something like that about me. Its disgusting and I'm really upset about this. My boyfriend did try to defend me but I don't know how much longer I can put up with this disrespect from his parents. What should I do?
tulika srivastava on March 31, 2017:
i recently break up with a GUY just because i find that it was not the rigth time for me to be in any kind of relationship...and my parents are untolerable to these stuffs.and as becoz they came to know ..but he was not ready to leave me at all in any condition .....but i thought in coming days it will be like a burden for me..... was this right?
Sad on February 03, 2017:
Dated my ex-fiancè for 6 years, we were set to get married in April this year. MIL took over all wedding arrangements and even chose people she approves of to surround me on the wedding day. My ex-SIL and her chose our wedding invitations without me. My ex did nothing about it even though I complained. He couldn't be bothered as long as "things were sorted out". Funniest (or most awkward) part is that I'm still living on their property (I promised my ex that I would try living with his parents). He couldn't even discuss how uncomfortable I am due to their meddling and "suggestions" on how I should live my life. FIL wants remt from me now. The reason I can't move out is because I am paying the bond on a house my ex and I were going to move into if I fell pregnant after the wedding. He looked for this house after we had an argument relating to living with his parents, he did this to save our relationship. He quit two jobs and stays home everyday searching for a clue on what he should be doing with his life. He has looked after his alcoholic father and narcissistic mother from the time he was a teenager. He's also paid for his sister's pricey education (she failed her degree thrice). He can't live without them and refuses to move out. His mother and sister are extremely pleased that we are on a break. I have always put him first, with the result that my career and social life have suffered. He began controlling me and tried to manipulate me emotionally like his mother and sister would as well. I feel that it's time to give him space to grow and figure out what he wants from life. I need to do the same. I love him very, very much but we are toxic towards each other and we need this time apart. I feel like an idiot because I still hope that he finds me one day, and we get together again, as two "whole" individuals with more to give each other than broken promises and resentment.
Theone on January 30, 2017:
Caro. You are not crazy. Some guys can't say no to their mothers they are too weak and the mothers know how to easily manipulate them. It sad. I'm in the same situation. His mom is so fake with me. She has insulted me and my family to my face told me I will not allow you steel my son and other stuff. She has given me weird looks, but when he is around she compliments me. He doesn't take my side. She is so fake I can't stand her. This is affecting our relationship.
Caro on November 29, 2016:
My boyfriend of 5 years mom is crazy!
she drinks a lot and is always putting me do, she consistently has me in tears and my boyfriend is always apologising to her and buying her flowers like she's his girlfriend and I'm the bully.
Am I being crazy or is that just weird?
AMom1 on March 17, 2016:
I know this is an old thread but for anyone maybe in the same boat- Sadly my 18 year old is going through this. He has dated this girl for over a year exclusively and they just adore each other. Reminds me of my spouse and I at that age. She is wonderful I admit. Everything about her is great. She is nice, Christian, does not smoke, drink or do drugs. She is respectful and watches out for my son. Almost as though I knew right off this was going to be my daughter in law someday. Sounds strange but she fit in that well with our family. BUT my son broke up with her because of her parents. She is 17. He asked their permission to continue to date her when he neared 18. Laws here says it is ok but he asked out of respect for them and her. The problem is they are crazy. They do drugs we discovered, they saddle my son with baby sitting their other 3 small children when ever he goes to visit they just leave no matter if the two kids already had plans. They even tried to talk my son into driving one of their toddlers around in his car with no seat belt then when he protested for safety concerns the parents just said well we will pay the ticket. WTH??? I finally approached him do to safety concerns as I suspected the parents were the cause of his growing anxiety. He soon after broke up with the girl in a respectful way (not telling her of course it was her parents really, he just said with college getting his bachelors and working that 12-15 hours a day and weekends it is to hard to see her and it is not fair to her to just stay waiting around for him) but he never really wanted to break it off nor did she. It is so sad and I have cried a lot because it seems this girls psychologically abusive family has made it to where this poor girl is a shut in, home schooled and they push everyone away. She pays for it. Literally she has no friends do to them. My son and her met at a Christian camp and have on their own continued with church, volunteering etc. until the break up. What is a person to do in this situation??? We all adore her but to think of that other family as possibly grandparents one day scares us all to death. Good grief it is so disheartening to leave this girl behind with her family on a one way ticket to destruction because she is not like that at all and wants to be different. Wants a different life style and wishes so badly her Mom was like me.
Any suggestions welcomed.
Sam on November 24, 2015:
This article was pretty helpful - it made me feel not so alone, at least. I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years, and though we don't live near his family, I dread the holidays every year. His mom is fantastic, but almost everyone else just sucks; they're people with whom I would not normally associate. I find them uneducated and spoiled. My boyfriend thankfully acts most like his mom, so he's nice and easy-going. I know I have to go to these things because I love him and tolerating his family is part of that, but I wish he came from a better background.
mou on August 04, 2015:
We are in a relation of 4yrs... just a week before he broke d relation because of his family...
Eyda on November 28, 2014:
What if i love my partner but my parent doesn't give a permision to see him meet him or dating?
Lindsay on September 19, 2013:
I am going through this right now, accept that I am on the other side of the argument, I am the one with problematic parents. I' 20 and he was 22. We just ended a 6 year relationship because my parents still did not trust him to the full :S it's so hard... still have to tell my parents about it....
kayla on June 25, 2011:
i think this should help with my parents and his and all of us thank u for this article
ChrissyDean (author) on August 13, 2010:
I don't believe you should have to be tested to prove you love your man to this extent. Imagine how much emotional and mental stress this adds to you, which is then transferred to your other half. It isn't a happy situation, and may end very badly if it goes to long. My suggestion is to try and find another place to go, if possible. I know it may not be..
Emily on June 28, 2010:
What do you do if you happen to live with said infuriating in-laws? How much do I need to be tested to prove that I love my man?
Anonymous on April 12, 2010:
It was a very good article.
me on April 02, 2010:
thank you so much this helped so much my boyfriends parents are extremely crazy at this moment and we don't know what to do but we love each other and this tottaly helped me thank you.