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Repairing a Broken Relationship

Updated on June 20, 2012

"Throwing It All Away" by Genesis

How to Restore a Broken Relationship

One of the hardest things to go through in life is the breaking of a relationship with someone, especially if you were particularly close to that person and have known them for a long time. Once a relationship ends it can be very difficult to restore that relationship. The more intimate you are with someone, the deeper the pain goes when things go wrong. In this article we will discuss how to repair a relationship that has been broken. We will deal with relationships in general. In another article I will discuss how to repair a broken marriage. The good news is that relationships can be restored if everyone involved is willing to put the effort into the process of healing. It may take time, but the end result is worth the time and effort.

Obstacles to Healing

Before we can discuss the process of repairing a relationship, we need to consider what keeps restoration from happening in the first place.

1. Pride

I put this one first, because it the biggest and most common obstacle to the healing of relationships. I know the times I have been separated from a friend I struggled a lot with pride. When I came to the conclusion that either I was totally wrong or at least shared part of the blame, it was difficult to bring myself to accept responsibility. Pride keeps people apart. We know that if we humble ourselves and go to the other person and admit wrong doing, we will lose face- or so we think. I have learned that I lose face by not admitting my error. I save my reputation by swallowing my pride and taking steps to restoration with that person. There is no secret formula to overcoming pride in a broken relationship. We all struggle with it at some point. Simply, you must bite the bullet and go for it. For example, one of the keys to learning to swim is to just go head long into the water and go for it. Too, in a broken friendship, you have to just go for it, do or die.

2. Time

Time gets in the way of healing. What I mean is that the longer we wait, the harder it is to take the steps to restore that relationship. Paul, a first century leader in the church, wrote to the Christians in Ephesus to "...not let the sun go down while you are still angry,..." (Ephesians 4:26 NIV). That is a good rule to go by. That, in no way, means that you have to fix everything by sunset. It means simply to quickly move into the process of repairing the relationship. The sooner you begin the process of healing the better. Time has a way of desensitizing us, causing us to not see the need for that person like we do when the problem first occurs. Too, as time goes along we can allow bitterness to set in, which exaggerates the problem even more.

3. Wrong voices

We all listen to several voices on a daily basis. The voices can come from advice from people at work, a neighbor or the media. The voices can come from inside us. I am not referring to people who hear voices in an insane kind of way, but rather the voices that crowd our thoughts daily. We must use discernment, and not listen to the wrong advice, as that often will lead us to maintain the broken relationship. Obviously, some relationships are not healthy for us to keep, but more often than not we should listen to counsel that encourages us to restore those relationships.

4. Unwillingness to mend the relationship

One obstacle that is out of our control is the other person who is unwilling to make amends. That can create more pain for the person who wants badly to restore the friendship. I will write later in the article on how to deal with this, but the main thing is to be patient, and give them space while affirming your love for them.

Steps to Repairing the Relationship

1. Realization of Brokeness

I put this step first as I am surprised at how many people are oblivious to the broken relationships around them. Often, they do not see that they are a common denominator in a series of broken relationships. If you tend to have relationship problems with several people, take a look at yourself to see if you are the source of the problem.

2, Humility

Whether you are the source of the problem or not, humility is a must if the relationship is to be restored. If you are the whole reason for the problem or just a part of it, it takes great humility to admit wrong doing. The rewards, however, are much greater than the struggle to admit your error.

If you are not the source of the problem, you still must take steps to reconciliation. Do not wait on the other person. It will take humility on your part, especially if you were not the cause of the break with the other person.

3. Patience

Patience is necessary. The relationship did not end overnight, so it will not be repaired overnight. You need to give each other time and space to think things through, and to heal. Patience is especially necessary if the other person is not willing to reconcile. Don't push them as that will drive them further away. Affirm your love for them, respect their wishes, and allow them room to figure things out.

4. Talking openly

Talking openly about the problem(s) is a necessary step to healing. This will include a period of blaming, then heart searching, and finally finding a solution. Blaming is part of the process. We all do it. We blame each other for the problem. This is part of fighting through misunderstandings so that the truth can be found.

Next, we must move into a time of searching ourselves to see where we were wrong. It is extremely rare when only one person is at fault in a broken relationship. More often than not, both parties are guilty. We must search within ourselves to see where we went wrong without justifying ourselves. We must be completely open and honest at this point if wholeness is to be achieved.

Finally, we must move into a serious discussion to find the solution. Phrases such as 'I'm sorry' and other such phrases are not helpful. Genuine seeking of forgiveness and a desire to solve the issues at hand are what bring healing.

These steps of talking may seem simple, but when you combine the complexity of two humans into the equation it can get messy. Keep moving ahead. Don't let yourself get side tracked by non-issues. Hold on to hope all the way to the end.

5. Forgiveness

Forgiveness is so necessary to keep a relationship alive, whether forgiveness is necessary for little or big problems. We must not let bitterness take root, as it will destroy us. Forgiving the other person will be easier if we remember our constant need of forgiveness. We tend not to forgive when we think of ourselves as being better than we really are. We all make mistakes, and should forgive as we want to be forgiven. Be generous in your forgiveness.

At this point many may wonder what true forgiveness is. To forgive is not to forget, as that is impossible. Once something is planted in your mind, it is there to stay. You can choose not to dwell on a certain thought, but you can't eliminate what is recorded. For example, when you delete something from your computer, it is still there. It can be found on your hard drive, but it isn't at the forefront of your computer's memory. To truly forgive someone is to move beyond the problem, and to move toward reconciliation with that person. I am a follower of Christ. One of the things He taught was that we are in a broken relationship with the Heavenly Father, but He, through Christ, moved beyond that and has moved toward reconciliation with us. He has made the first move, and now we must take the next step by moving toward Him by faith in Christ. I use that as an illustration of how to forgive. We must move beyond the problem toward the other person. Then they must move toward us to reconcile. Forgiveness then happens, and the relationship is made whole again.

6. Practice the Solution

In a previous step we talked about finding a solution. That is good, as long as we put the solution into practice. For instance, if one of the problems is verbal abuse, then the solution is to use words that build up the other person. That is great, as long as you stop using abusive language and begin to use words that build up. All solutions to problems are only effective if you put them into practice.

Repairing a broken relationship can be very difficult, especially if problems have gone unchecked. However, there is always hope of reconciliation. As time goes along and problems grow it becomes more difficult, but it is still possible to repair the problems if both parties are willing to take the necessary steps. Never give up hope. Even if the other person is unwilling you must do your part to reconcile without harrassing them. You always want to give them the space they need, while affirming your love for them. Once the relationship is made whole again, the reward will far outweigh the effort.

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      Jael 5 months ago

      How can I affirm my love without harassing her?

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      Michael Davis 2 years ago

      Harell- I think in this situation it is a case of "lesson learned". It sounds like you learned valuable lessons and can live now with wisdom based on those experiences. How is your wife reacting to this at the moment?

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      Harell 2 years ago

      I hurt my wife on so many levels I don't know where to start. I talked to girls behind her back not for relationship purpose but as friends. Hinds sight I should have told my wife that I was talking to them I love my wife dearly and don't want to lose her or her heart to another. My biggest mistake was when her family members perished I wasn't there for her emotionally I was dealing with our kids while she going through her grieving. And my last mistake was I made a commit on a female picture on social media while we shared that site

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      Michael Davis 3 years ago

      Kim- Unfortunately, this is an all too common problem in families. I have a close friend whose sister-in-law is ripping apart the family with no remorse. I have someone in my family that is doing the same thing. Two things you need to do:

      1. Have the family confront her in a united way

      2. Cut off communication with her until she makes amends

      It isn't up to you to make amends; it is up to her. We want relationships to be repaired, which of course is the point of this article. However, there are situations when the relationship can't be repaired until the offending person admits their wrong doing and takes the steps to heal what they have broken.

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      Kim 3 years ago

      I have been soul searching for a way to make amends with my sister. This article was just what I needed to read. My family has been split apart by my sister's anger. The issues she is angry about has been blown out of proportion. She is a very stubborn person and definitely will not admit that how she is treating us is wrong. At Christmas I tried to talk to her and she shut me out. She has called my daughter names because she is very angry with her. It huts me that she is acting like this to me and my kids. I would never dream of doing that to her kids. This has been an ongoing problem since October. How much time do I need to give her? Do I approach her and demand that we talk this through? I feel that will drive her farther away. I so miss her and our family being together. What to do?

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      Michael Davis 3 years ago

      Chan- go to my profile and click on 'fan mail'. There will be a link there to send me an email

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      chan 3 years ago

      hey mike how can I email you personallyy because don't want share my situation with the world

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      Michael Davis 3 years ago

      Emily- I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is so hard to go through the final breaking off of a relationship. Many that I have talked to have gone through this same thing. A few have found healing and even found someone who was even better than the one they lost. I recently got an email from someone who was just as heartbroken as you are right now. I helped them through healing. They end up finding someone way better than the one they lost and now they are happily married. I'm not sure if you will get him back or not, but I know that you can heal from this. And maybe God has someone else in mind for you. You admitted to some mistakes, so learn from them and become an even better person. If you need to you can email me.

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      Emily 3 years ago

      Almost 3 weeks now my bf broke up with me cause I have said things against him, very insulting to him. It's also cause of my anger towards him for keeping on encouraging me since before to give up in our relationship but I never want to and always insist so we keep moving on until this big fight with him (we had this fight online). He said he forgave me and closed his account after he got mad and said he will never wanna talk to me anymore but I knew his other personal account to I kept begging him to reactivate again the other account and talk to me and I asked him for forgiveness but he threatened to close that account again if I don't stop emailing him. I seek counsel and most said to leave him alone so I sent him email "I let you go, thanks for forgiving me, I forgive you too for not fulfilling ur promise to marry me" and he replied "Im glad and hopefully it's ur new beginning." It's so painful for me that he just let me go like that so easily but I am still bleeding inside and still hoping for the restoration of our relationship. It is because he just waited me to say those words cause he already kept encouraging me to let go before cause he can let go, saying the relationship is not God's will. I cry everyday buckets of tears missing him. I keep praying that God will intervene his heart and sooner/later he will come back to me, in God's time.

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      Michael Davis 3 years ago

      James- I apologize for such a late response. My computer has been down for several weeks. I think what you should do is not play God. Let God run His own universe and you just be a submissive child to Him. Enjoy the journey of today. I think you should write her and tell her what you just told me and be sincere, honest and seek forgiveness with all humility. Then it's up to her to respond. If she responds well, then work towards reconciliation, but if she doesn't, then just move on with joy for all you have learned in this process.

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      Michael Davis 3 years ago

      tiffanyt- I apoogize for the slow response. My computer has been down for several weeks. I dont quite understand what the issue is that's got you stuck. Who is stalking? Is your bf on the fence between you and someone else?

      You can answer here or email me.

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      tiffanyt 3 years ago

      Hello,

      I love your article but I do have a few questions. Regarding the issue of the relationship not ending overnight, ours actually did. There was one event that cause me to end it involving a stalker who showed up at my house with convincing evidence that they were in fact in a relationship. I later found out that it was a lie but the damage had been done. Now I would love to get back what we had but he's still on the fence stating that I should have believed in him even though when the situation occurred he was there and confronted her as if there was nothing going on between the two of us which is what prompted my response. Should I just let this go, it's been months and I just feel stuck.

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      James 3 years ago

      Michael - Thank you for taking the time to write this article and for supporting others through their relationship struggles. I am in such a situation with someone who was my best friend until a rift occurred last year.

      During my 2nd stay with them and their family while on vacation, I was in a very dark place and struggling to keep myself together. My parents were in the process of separating, I had difficulty keeping my depression and chronic illness from defining my life and I had also recently increased my anti-depressant dosage. To say I was in survival mode would be an understatement.

      I stayed with my friend for two weeks. Before that 2nd visit we had been communicating most days via Skype or Facebook, as we live in separate countries. In particular there were some issues stressing her out that I, wanting to be a problem solver, offered suggestions to. I didn't realize it at the time but after a while my eagerness to continue discussing this topic began to impact negatively on my friend's stress levels, as this was a matter concerning parenting and family.

      I was unaware at just how broken I'd become because of my own problems; so my mind was far from perceptive and my emotions lacking subtlety. I visited local sights with my friend and her family. Discussions on the topic I mentioned earlier continued and it wasn't until my friend came out and asked if my advice was based on an assumption they were bad parents, that I realized just how far over the line I was. I wish I could say that I sharpened my senses, apologized and salvaged the remainder of the trip. This is not an excuse by any means but I felt as if my mind were not my own; amid my volatile emotions I had allowed something destructive to steer me.

      This clouded mind and judgement resulted in her sending her children to relatives because she felt I was judging her every move. There were also external issues before and during my visit, not related to me, which had added to her stress. I had made things worse, much worse. As she suffers from bipolar, I can't begin to imagine how she would've felt trapped in her own home by someone who she thought was a friend. At this point I didn't know what to do. It was like coming out of a daze, suddenly seeing that these actions were mine and somehow our friendship and the vacation had been badly damaged.

      For the rest of the vacation we were civil but the unease was difficult. She started to be physically ill and require more rest, as her stress began to overwhelm her more. The day I left to return home she told me she loved me and asked if I would be okay. I sensed that they were parting words but I thought, or hoped at least, I could return home and then work on it with a clearer mind. Unfortunately she told me later that week when I tried to initiate conversation that she felt the relationship was irreparably broken. Later on she also accused me of molestation of her eldest daughter, who had apparently told her some things happened; though they didn't. In my desperation to salvage what was till then an incredible friendship, not only with her but with her family and friends, I made multiple efforts over the months that followed writing messages; and trying to explain my way back into favor.

      As it stands now, it has been almost a year since we spoke and during that time God has shown me the ugly truth of what really happened; faults of mine that were invisible to me at the time and until recently. I may have been going through a lot, but my actions were abhorrent and if I didn't know any better I'd say Satan helped me to orchestrate the most perfectly awful destruction of a friendship. With the nature of the conflict and the allegations, it turned into a mighty mess; it's hollowed me out inside and no doubt done the same to my once friend.

      I still love them all, I think about them frequently and yet I know, for God has shown me clearly, that my actions were not those of a friend. I was anything but during that 2nd stay, much to my shame. It has impacted severely on my well being and yet I couldn't have been shown the truth by God had I not sunk so low. I still see my friend on messenger and have the urge to chat, to try and apologize but I feel helpless. I know God can restore friendships, even the most broken, that he can bring people together and reunite those who once were companions. She is a Christian and I have been on a road returning to God; at least attempting to.

      Michael, can you shed some light on what I can do? Should I try to extend a hand in reconciliation or be the one to initiate some other way? Sometimes I feel as if God is telling me that what happened had to happen to rebuild my foundation; that restoration through him is possible. Other times I wonder if it's just my wishful thinking. I love my friend and her family. I believe with all my heart that God can be the peacemaker in this, if it is His will. What are your thoughts? I apologize for such a lengthy post, but as you can see it's complicated.

      Regards,

      James

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      Michael Davis 3 years ago

      Lavendergrey- you should contact him and push firmly, but lovingly for a face to face meeting. He needs to be brought to a decision to talk and deal with this. If he agrees to a meeting then I can walk you through the process of restoration. Feel free to email me.

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      Lavendergrey 3 years ago

      Recently, there was a bad argument (politics and religion) between my oldest son & my husband (Son's stepdad) while we were staying with my son and his family for a visit. Long story shortened, it was an awful scene and finally, after I yelled at my son so he wouldn't become physical, we managed to get our stuff packed up and left at 7:30 p.m. While my husband has acknowledged it was his fault for allowing himself to get drawn into the argument (after I had warned him my son had begun drinking every evening and to NOT get into ANY discussion with him), we did apologize (after some terse texts from son's wife ordering me to "fix" things and apologize for everything). My son responded to our texts with a "Thank you" response, and also said he needed to work through some things so give him a couple of weeks and then he will definitely call me to talk. It has been 3 weeks, and I've heard nothing from him and he has removed me as a friend on Facebook. I wish to repair the relationship, as does my husband, but I am unsure of whether to try and contact my son or continue to "give him space" to figure things out. He has a history of holding grudges (even with family members) and shutting people out of his life rather than try and forgive and restore relationships. There is a lot more to this whole scenario, all contributing factors, I believe, but far too many to explain here. At this point, I am at a loss of what to do other than wait it out…but just how long should I wait? Thank you so much for your insight.

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      Michael Davis 3 years ago

      jman30- I think letting her go is the right thing in this situation. It sounds like she wants the party free life, and you are not comfortable with that. You both are frustrated with each other and definitely not going the same direction.

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      jman30 3 years ago

      Me and my girlfriend had a fight in a debut party she is leaving me alone most of the times and having fun by herself, i only go to the party because she is getting mad at me if i am not going so I joined her but the problem is she likes to drink somehow and leaving me alone in the table for around 30 min, when she got back she looks a bit tipsy and i started getting mad, i know i am no a perfect boyfriend and ever since we met she told me if i hurt her physically she will avoid me and will not get back with me. In the party i somehow hold her left elbow tight and told her to sit down and by the looks of it i think i hurt her physically. Before leaving the party i ask her come now let's leave but she won't join me so i became angry and told her it's over i want a break up and leaving her alone up stairs with all her classmates. after an hour i came back for her she is very drunk shouting and crying i accompanied her to her house and leave and her parents even thank me for returning her home. This morning she text me she says she doesn't want to be involved with me anymore she said i hurt her physically and now she is scared of me she just wants to move on to her life. I really love her is letting go the really right choice? I love her very much what should i do should i just stop bugging her and apologizing i know what i did is wrong but she is at fault also what should i do?

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      KayGD- While I am all for reconciling relationships, they must be reconciled on agreed terms. If one person just does not get it and is being selfish, then true reconciliation is not possible. As bad as you want him back, you must use caution and wisdom. Email me if you want to get into more details

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      KayGD 4 years ago

      Michael:

      Just as with many of the stories above, mine is one of heart break. I sound just like Chris W above.

      My husband and I dated for 6 years before marrying. He was significantly younger than me, which was a controversy in itself. But I had fallen in love with him and he was it, he was the one. So, against EVERYONE'S will I married him, hell bent to make it work.

      After two years of marriage, and building a house together, he started to go behind my back and make large purchases without consulting me about it. With this one particular purchase came a different lifestyle that I did not enjoy, but because it was something he wanted to do, I went along. He also felt the need to start using steroids as well in order to look better, which I thought he looked fine, but he was very interested in what others perceived him as and had very low self esteem. Then the affair started. It lasted for a year. Even after I found out about it, he continued to see her and I continued to fight for my marriage..it was hopeless. Counseling, nothing worked. I was a nervous wreck. I had dedicated myself to him, took a vow before God was was committed to making it work. He wasn't, at least until it was too late.

      The final straw came when he took her on vacation with him. The moment he left the house, I filed for divorce. I began seeing someone else that I had known all my life, but just couldn't find the same love and zing that my husband and I had once shared. So we backed away from one another.

      Now, I have started to talk to my husband again. After seeing me with someone else and the realization that woman he was with was a whore while on vacation, he wants to reconcile. I wanted to fix it when it first broke. Now he misses it and wants to fix it on his terms. I love my husband I do...but I am hearing so many people say that he won't change, he can't. Once a cheater, always a cheater. etc...

      My parents are at their wits ends with me because they dish out and dish out and then I go against their wishes and talk to my husband and consider reconciling our marriage. My mother is outraged that he committed adultery and that "she would kick my dad out and never look back". But how do you know what you would REALLY do if you have never been in the situation? I have prayed about all this constantly especially on forgiveness, anger, rejection and anxiety. I am hoping that we can take it day by day. There's so many things involved, trust, faith, hope, honesty....I just don't know. I don't want my marriage to end, but when the man "sets his wife aside" then it's grounds for divorce in a biblical sense, which is what everyone else is seeing and feeling and saying...everyone is so mad at him. They just don't want to see me hurt again because they have seen the pain he has caused me for the past 2 years or so of my life.

      I pray that he can get his life together and prove what he wants in life. I just want him and myself to be happy and do the right thing, whether it's what everyone else wants or not.

      Please pray for us.

      This dramatic story has been considerably condensed. I literally could write a book about my life..

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      Thanks deepika

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      deepika 4 years ago

      really gr8.........

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      Chris W- First, the email. Look at my profile. Go to Fan Mail and click on it, you will see the email link there.

      Your feelings, pain, struggle, ups and downs are all valid and reasonable. When you love someone that deeply, it's going to hurt bad to lose them. Don't despair. You will heal and you will feel normal again, but just not right now. I don't know if you will ever get her back, but you will get YOU back eventually. But, you have to walk through this pain first. It will make you a different and better person if you allow it to.

      Don't be afraid to feel the pain and don't be afraid to blame God. If you fight God on this, you will find God in this.

      To have someone as special as her is rare. You can go on, but it will take time. So, be patient. Remember too that you are not alone. People all over the world today are heart broken over someone they love. Some will never see the one they love again, because the one they love died, so there is no hope of getting back together. The reason I say this is to help you realize that you are not alone in your pain.

      Be real. Be real about your pain. Be real about your thoughts and feelings. Be real about reality, the reality that this is devastating, but it is NOT the end.

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      Chris W 4 years ago

      I don't know if I can do this Michael. The pain I'm dealing with is too hard. I've never been good at saying things to her, at least in the sense that the words come out right. All I think about is her. I hear the "I love you's" over and over again. Somehow I know that we are not going to end up back together. I think she is done with me. It's the falling out of love with someone deal. I dedicated myself to her. Everything I did I did it with her in mind. Now there is nothing I cant do without thinking of her. And there is nothing I can do to remedy this. My feeling of being lonely and betrayed by the one woman I loved, that I still love, is too great. I don't know what to do anymore. I believed in her. I believed that no matter what happened we would always be together. I don't know if I can come to terms without having her in my life. People just don't understand. My best friend, he's like a brother, told me I should have seen this coming. Who says that to someone? My would have been sister-in-law told me I would find somebody better. I got no support, but that's because they cant understand. My would have been sister-in-law is married and she said that to me. Of all people I thought she would have said something different. Her level of love for her husband is nowhere near the love I have for Maureen.

      This isn't the first time I've had my heart broken. My first girlfriend cheated on my with one of my own friends. It killed me inside. I felt nowhere near how I feel right now. I was with her for 1 year and it destroyed me and it was only a year. Take the instance I'm in now and magnify that by 10 and add in some of the best times of my life, all of her family that I came to love, our cats, and my couch. Sorry I'm trying to throw in some humor there. I know that it is hard to understand everything that I'm trying to say cause you don't know me personally or don't know all of the issues involved (I don't even know all the issues). But believe me when I say that I loved this woman, like no other. And I thought she loved me too. I don't think that it is fair to me because in all of those 10 years we never broke up once. It's like I don't get a second chance. I feel cheated because of that. People say that I need to work on myself. I can understand that, but not having her there by my side makes it hard. I wish I could turn back time. To the time and place we were happiest. You know Michael people were envious of Maureen and I's relationship. That's how good we got along. Always had a good time we always laughed and hugged each other. We went camping once and I hate spiders she doesn't mind bugs, it was a role reversal lol. That morning when I woke up I was covered in Daddy Long Legs, I screamed like a school girl and she woke up and screamed too, then I screamed again cause she scared the heck out of me lol, man that is just one of the thousands of memories I have. They play over and over again in my head. I cant live in the present because I reminisce in the past and I'm worried about my future. I'm by no means trying to stay in that position, but my mind plays tricks on me. I could be having a wonderful day and then I think about her out of the blue. About her being with another person. It brings me down. I then feel low the entire day. I don't know what to do.

      I apologize but I don't know how to get to your email.

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      Matt- thanks so much. Best to you!

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      Matt 4 years ago

      Thank you very much for writing this article. My dear one told me once (at the time of my worst verbal abuse towards her due to my mental illness) that 'in some cultures, repaired vases are way more precious than the new ones'. I almost did not hear her when she said that the first time, but as time goes by, these words keep on echoing inside my head louder and louder. I recently heard them loudly and clearly. I now believe patience, understanding, kindness and love are on our side. It is going to be hard and will probably take a lot of time to fix and rebuild what we had, but I am ready.

      Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

      M.

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      Chris W- All these emotions are part of the normal course of healing. Also, they are evidence that broken relationships are not good. They cause pain and suffering. You said that you have been praying but things seem to be getting worse. Two things to keep in mind is, 1. God is using this to refine you and make you better, 2. God suffers with His creation and so His heart breaks for you. Stay in touch and we can get through this.

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      Chris W 4 years ago

      I just want to say thank you for your kind words. No one, not even my family, besides my mother, gave me comfort. It feels like no one I knew could understand how I felt or what I was going through. The pain I feel sometimes is unbearable and I cannot stop thinking negatively about everything. My emotions toy with me. Making me feel alone, forgotten, inadequate, and worthless. Never have I felt everything at once. Every emotion that a human can feel I have felt. Are you an angel that God sent down? Is it purely by chance that I clicked on your Web link and managed to get such a fast response? I pray regularly for things to get better and it only seems to get worse. But thank you for what you said.

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      Chris W- Without talking to her I don't know what her reasoning is on this. But I have seen times where people need to work on themselves, and they can't be distracted by a relationship during that time. So, one possible way to approach this is to view it as a positive that she is doing this for you, and that things will be even better than before.

      On the other hand, she could have handled it differently so as not to hurt you so much. We, as humans, can be self-focused to the point that we just don't think about what our actions do to the other person.

      My thought would be to give her the space she needs, and remind her from time to time that she is loved.

      Also, be there for her. There may be times when she needs you. Be available to her. But, live your life. Of course you are hurting, and living without her, even if it's for a little while, will be very hard. But, learn to live again. There is so much joy to be had in life.

      Keep in touch. You can email me if you want.

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      Chris W 4 years ago

      I forgot to add something to my previous post. She did say that she needs space. She does hope that we will be together in the end and that she had no doubt that I was the one she was supposed to marry, but she doesn't know what the future holds. Even still why would she break off our engagement after all these years?

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      Chris W 4 years ago

      I was with the most amazing woman for 10 years. Engaged for 3 of those years. She was perfect, at least for me. Everything about her was divine. April of this year 2013, she broke up with me. I had a feeling that something wasn't right in our relationship, but nothing ever surfaced. She feels like she needs to work on her for a while. I try to understand but its hard for me to comprehend because we were together for so long. I actually felt like we were soul mates, meant for each other. Our love was special, a very strong love and one day it all came to an end. I'm not a cheater I'm very loyal, faithful, and loving and she left me. I can understand that one would want to work on themselves, but why can I not remain with her? She tells me that she doesn't want to drag me along her path and that she doesn't want to hurt me along the way. All of that time together and now this. We had so many wonderful times. We also had our bad times as well but the good out weigh the bad 10 fold. It is hard for me to come to terms. I'm not implying that I was Mr. Perfect, but I was and tried my best at being good to her. I feel like my life has come to an end, literally. All I think about are all of the things we did together. Everywhere I look I see her and cant help but feel remorse for not being a better person. I also think about how the holidays will never be the same or birthdays. Birthdays were always a special occasion between us. She is not a cheater and wouldn't lie to me about anything. It hasn't even been a month yet and I'm completely depressed. I don't know what to do. I tell myself that I can live without her, but that thought quickly diminishes because I know how much I love her. I try to keep in contact but our conversation quickly goes sour because I always try to confess my love for her. I keep making the mistake that I'm not keeping in touch enough and that she might forget about me. Can anyone tell me why after this long and after all the good times and happiness we shared it all came to an end? I don't feel like me anymore.

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      Abby Riley- I apologize for taking so long to respond. In a healthy relationship, there has to be freedom. You both need to be around other people to have balance. If you are "bound" to each other to the point you don't ever get away to see other people, then you lose appreciation for each other and began to grow stale in your relationship. What he is probably doing is reacting to what he feels is enslavement to you. You need to communicate to him that if he comes back, he is free to be himself and free to do other things and hang out with other people. What you will find is a man who then wants to be with you rather than feeling like he has to be with you.

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      Abby Riley 4 years ago

      Michael, I loved reading your advice....my boyfriend just broke up with me a week ago (on my birthday). he has cut off all contact with me for a few weeks. He told me the reason for the break up was to see if we truly love each other and we need to date other people to see if we actually do. our relationship lasted 14 months. I feel like some of it is my fault because I would never let him go out and do anything and if I would I would get very mad. i'm trying to be patience and just wait to see when he talks to me next. I think this is an excuse for him wanting freedom? What do you think?

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      ashley- First, I apologize for taking so long to respond. I was just notified that you left a comment. There is nothing you can do to keep him. You need to honor his request and stay away. I have had this happen in my life, and it is painful. But, you will discover that life and joy can still be yours without him. I know that you hurt badly right now, but allow yourself to live without him and you will discover that life exists and happiness exists outside of him. There are other beautiful people in your life. Enjoy them and thank God for the gifts that they are. Maybe some day he will be back in your life. If that happens, you will be a much better person than you were in the past. Remember too that love always trusts. Where there is true love, there is trust.

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      ashley 4 years ago

      hello sir,

      i really need your advice at dis situation of mine..we loved each other truly..bt he was alwyz afraid dt i willl leave him and go since he faced dis situation twice in his lyf previously..though i love him truly i guess i cudnt show him properly..actully he says i alwyz break his trust. for the frst tym he forgave me. secnd tym it ws nt me whu did the mistake bt it happend wid me so he ws hrtd again.den smhw i managed to make him undrstnd.bt again sm unwntd things happend wid me and so he needs break up..he says he cnt trust me anymore..though the third tym i dint do any thing knowingly but he thinks m nt lyk wt i show.. he says he has lost al his feeligs nw.Bt he knows dat i have the realisation nw i hv changed myself totally.bt he is nt able to trust me again.now the thing is dt he is havin lots of misuderstandings about me.i begged him a lot not to lev me.bt he is determied now.

      he ws my first love.i dnt wnt to loose him by any means. since i ws bit immtured so i dint kno how to handle different situations in a relationship.now i kno i hv learnt many things now i will give my 100%.

      he told jst ystrdy to brk up wid him. not to irritate him by calling.

      sir i really need your kind advice now.wt should i do? how to make him believe on me? i hv tried a lot by being very polite.bt he becomes more harsh.nw i cnt undrstnd wt m supposd to do.i want him bck in my lyf.if someone mkes him udstd properly i kno his mind might change bt his frnz sys to leave.

      i love him truly.i kno m nt wrong.i ever betrayed him bt he doesnt trust me anymore.i wnt to kno how will i gain his trust and love back.

      please i need your urgent help.do consider my request.

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      kezi john- we all make mistakes and none of us can see the future. So, don't feel guilty. Just learn the lessons to be learned from this and move on with joy.

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      kezi john 4 years ago

      Thank you sooo much for your reply sir!!!!!!!! This was a really comforting advice.....

      Some times i think in the same way that i should move on with my life, but still the promises which he did the promises which i did makes me feel guilty.... Yes im happy with the life which God blessed me with... some where his thoughts kills me... When ever he was in trouble, he used to ask me to be with him. So i used to comfort him saying i will be with him in all ups and downs in his life but eventhough he broke up with our relationship, iam not able to forget those promises.

      This makes me feel guilty!!!!!!!

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      Kezi- We cannot control another person. While your heart is broken, you just can't make him do anything against his will. At this point it appears that you need to move on with your life and ask God to help you to heal and move on. It hurts when someone you dearly love doesn't love you back. But, you can move on. If it is God's will for you two to be together, then it will happen. But, right now it appears that is not the case. So, with a thankful heart I encourage you to allow God to show you the other beautiful things and people in your life. Maybe God is keeping you from further hurt that would have happened if this man was still in your life. So, trust God and move on.

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      Kezi 4 years ago

      Great you in the precious name of Jesus!

      We were a good,caring, lovers!But now iam not able to understand the exact reason for our breakup.And if there is any chance i just want him back.

      We worked together in a private company. I liked him because of the loneliness in him he needed care, love and affection but only bad thing was he gets angry with even silly things.

      I proposed him because i understood he was afraid of telling his love for me.He was really very happy when i told him my love and that was the first time i saw him so much happy.

      For three months everything was fine.We used to chat. Care for each other and he used to say he doesnt want to miss me in his life and need my love for a long time. He used to ask me again and again "will u b with me always? You are only for me".

      I had to move to other place for my studies and he said after completing your studies we will get married.

      But before going he wanted to meet me once as i left the job before a month. So i wanted to give him surprise visit and wanted to confirm he was in office or not. So i called him he disconnected the call. I thaught he was just playing as he used to play with me for a month. But i didnt know that his sister in law was admitted in hospital and she was in serious condition. Unaware of this i again and again called him and messaged him. Yes then i regretted for this and asked sorry. Then he told the situation. Then for two days i didnt called him or messaged him and was waiting for his call. But he didnt called or messaged. Then i got worried and i started messaging him with those loving caring words which he used to ask me to send......

      But these message created a big break between our relationship. He didnt reply for even a sing message. Suddenly one day he sent a message that dont call me or message me any more......

      I begged him forgiveness and he was very angry with me and started hurting me.He tried to explain me that i should forget him through his friends. But Sir please tell me is it easy to forget a man who loved me like anything and never wanted to miss me. He loved me more than i. He used to care for me as if he is caring for a small child.... I cried a lot to him to accept me and tried explain him that it will be painfull for him too to forget me...

      But his message shocked me. He said "i can forget you thats y im telling you to forget me"

      I became mad for him cried a lot For 2 months i tried to get him back again. But the more i tried that much he got away from me. Now its more than 5 months after our break up..

      By reading bible aand through prayers im feeling better now and doing my studies. But there is not even a single second that i live without thinking about him. My heart again and again says call him and try to convince him. But i know my message or call will irritate him.

      I dont know wt is in his mind. I m just waiting if there is God's will he will come back.But still im so much worried. I dont want him to forget me. When i call him he blackmails that he will tell my family that im disturbing him.So i stopped calling him now. i dont want to trouble him.

      Sir please help me how can i convince him, should i convince him or not? If yes, i should try, then please help me how can i do it. I dont want to miss him for any reason.....

      Please do consider my plea.

      Thank you.

      God Bls.

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      Lanette S- feel free to email if you need further help with this. You cannot control him or change his mind. All you can do is be the best you that you can. Take time to heal and see all the other beauty in your life. As far as he goes, the only thing you can do is wait. But don't stop living while you wait.

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      Lanette S. 4 years ago

      Thanks Michael, wow writing to you hurts too. My boyfriends name was Michael. Well, I think I forgot to mention that he was in the military and had been stressed with our relationship and the fact that he wanted to transfer to another state. He was never happy with the big city of California. But, he did share with me that he had doubts and his fear was that he did not want to pull me away from my family. But, I knew he was in the military when I met him and I explained to him that it was a sacrifice I was willing to make because I loved him. He said he was afraid that once I was away from my family and only with him, he feared that I would resent him. This all came about only four months into our relationship. He had tried to break up with me then because he said he loved me to much to ask me to leave my family, but I convinced him that there was no reason why we should deny ourselves of being happy with one another. And then, recently another co-worker that was struggling with his marriage brought the issue into our life again. His friend was having issues with his wife because his wife was away from family and was starting to lose love for her husband. He shared with me that this scared him. But, if Mike has doubts about being married, how else can I show him that I love him so much that would not happen. My friend also, gave me advice that I should give him space and try to share that I still care and love him by giving him a birthday card. His birthday is in March. I really want to, but part of me is insecure that he has already moved on and is seeing someone new, but I'm not sure. All I know is that I found that he created several online dating profiles, which is how we met originally through eharmony. I really want to make things work, but he is not willing to meet me half way. I just don't understand how he could have changed his feelings toward me. I still think our love is worth fighting for. I want him to know that I haven't given up on us and he shouldn't either, which I already shared with him. I know if he wanted to, he could contact me anytime, but he hasn't. Do you think I have to lose hope of getting him back because he is on five different online dating sites. It hurts me to think that he can even think of being with someone else.

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      Lanette S.- Hope is never wrong. Without hope we can't get up in the morning. Has he said what brought on his change of mind toward you? It sounds like there's something he's not telling you. You can hang on to hope. But, you must live your life to the fullest. Take it one day at a time and embrace all the beauty today has to offer. Start there. Allow yourself to hurt and to heal.

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      Lanette S. 4 years ago

      Very helpful article, but I still feel so lost. My boyfriend and I have dated for a little over a year. I should mention that he is a divorced man. He went through a rough divorce, because his ex cheated on him. He wanted the divorce and was separated and divorced from his ex for only a year when I met him. Throughout our relationship he was a wonderful partner. He even showed a desire to re-marry and he talked about having children. These were things that his ex did not want. So, things were progressing in our relationship and he welcomed me to stay with him for an extended period of time during my Summer break, as I am a teacher. During the break things were great and he showed signs of wanting me to move in permanently. But, when I couldn't find a job closer to where he lived, because we lived 2 hours apart, he said I should just move back in with my mom and go back to work. It hurt me then, but we were still together and went back to seeing each other on the weekends. Then, our one year anniversary came up, we had a wonderful time on a cruise. And exactly one month after our anniversary he invited me to celebrate Thanksgiving with him and his family. But, instead of picking me up to travel to Arizona to see his family, he brought the my remaining things and said he needed a break. I tried, but I guess I hassled him with text messages and phone calls, I even sent him an extended email with my feelings described because I just didn't understand and it hurt so much. Then, I went to see him after he got back from Arizona to pick up the rest of my stuff and to try and discuss things. He told me that his feelings had changed toward me and he could not see us being married anymore, so he could not be with me because he did not love me the same way. I told him that I felt we could make things work if we compromised. Then he hurt me because he said he was not willing to settle, and I had to let him go, there was nothing I could do to change his mind. Since, then its been only two months that we have been separated, but it still hurts. I still want to have hope that we can make things work. But my family is telling me otherwise, saying that he was just a damaged man because he was divorced and that I need to move on, but I can't. I love him too much, and it hurts. Do you have any advice for me. Is it wrong to have hope?

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      Brian- For now, you need to leave her alone to show respect. You might give it a little time to see if she will change her mind. But if she doesn't change her mind, it sounds like you have no choice but to move on with your life. As you try to figure all this out, you should do an inventory of yourself and learn from this experience so that you can become an even better person.

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      Brian 4 years ago

      My girlfriend of year and half broke up with me. She has made it clear to me that she doesnt want to see or talk to me. AM hopeing to try and fix things with her I know that it going to take time and patience buti willing to try I know that she doesnt want to . Should I just move on or should I try to see what happens I still love her

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      Taylor- I feel for you. We are created for relationship. After all God is Three Persons in relationship with Each Other.

      False prophets- don't get me started on them. They do nothing but destroy. For future reference, if anything leads to death (even the death of a relationship) it's not from God.

      While this is painful, God can lead you to someone who will fulfill you and make you happy. And when you meet that person, you will be so much better for them because of this experience.

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      Taylor 4 years ago

      This article has been very helpful. Two months ago, my ex-boyfriend and I finally decided to end things. We started dating May of last year and everything was going well, until a false prophet came up to me and told me to end things with him, that it was my season to be married to GOD. I was devastated and he too was going through a rough time as well. Needless to say, things between us were not the same. I then found out in November that he has moved on to another relationship and it's so painful. I even deleted my fb account and unfriended a mutual friend of ours, because to see him brings so much pain.

      Now, I 've been in bad relationships in the past and when GOD told me to let a bad one go, prior to meeting my current ex, I felt such a relief. A month later, I met my ex. We were a really good couple, we inspired each other, supported each other, even talked about building a future together. Now, we don't even speak or e-mail each other. I miss him so much and while I'm definitely moving on with my life, it hurts to know that I don't have him anymore. I take blame in some things I did too to end the relationship, but I feel as though if we just sat down and talked, we could easily work things out.

      I haven't given up, but I have left things in the hands of God and reading this article, has given me new insight. I too have a tendency to self-sabotage and I'm learning to receive GOD' gifts in my life. While I do not know what the future holds, this article really has helped me out. God bless you and keep up the good work.

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      letoya-2012- Without knowing you personally I can't say what the exact problem is, but I wonder if you are sabotaging the relationship. Do you tend to sabotage relationships? Since you have always fallen for the wrong types of men, maybe now that you have a great guy you are scared and not sure how to handle it. Maybe true love is scary to you and you are struggling with going deeper into the relationship. These are just some initial thoughts.

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      letoya-2012 4 years ago

      please pray for me, i love my boyfriend very much.We have been together for more than a year and he is really a good guy. i never believed that good things could happen to me cuz i always fell on the wrong type of guys. but he is patient and caring.

      since the beginning of this year i have been putting our relationship on the line and his trust keeps reducing as days go by.But he keeps on forgiving cuz he believes in me.His problem is that i dont tell him everything as i am supposed to but he on the contrary is very open to me.I really do love and i dont want to losse him.

      What could be my problem?

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      Brittany- This definitely sounds like an unhealthy relationship. I think you need to take a break and give yourself time to heal and work through your personal struggles, and give him time to grow up and learn how to live in a healthy relationship. Also, get hold of some good relationship books.

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      Brittany 4 years ago

      I keep trying to fix the problems in my relationship by talking about what bothers me when it comes up and giving a solution but my bf refuses to see how he could be doing anything wrong and fights me for hours before i can get him to maybe understand. Then it's like he forgets we even had the breakthrough in a couple days. He blames me for all of his problems and I don't know what to do. I know that we have both made mistakes and been mean to each other at points but i keep trying to fix it and i feel like i'm going in circles...what should I do?

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      Kay- I pray the best for you, and hope you both can reconcile soon. As I look back at broken relationships that I have experienced, it is silly the things that separated us. I think that this is such a minor issue that separated you both. It didn't have to end this way. I pray for reconciliation and understanding soon.

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      Kay 4 years ago

      This article has really made me think about how to mend this relationship with my roomate/best friend of 5 years. We got into a huge argument over a guy she was dating and with me being vocal about how I thought he may not be the healthiest choice for her. It hurts becasue we have been through everything together, the happiest moment, the saddest moments, she was my best friend in the whole world and now we haven't really spoken in 5 months due to this situation.

      I am so hurt becasue she wont accept her part in this situation, she literally disconnected from me, she wouldn't talk to me the last 3 months we lived together and said "God gave her an assignment and she had to focus on it ..that being the guy she was pursuing".

      I have accepted I may have been to pushy but she will not accept that she had a part in the fracture in our relationship. I def think this article will help us both get to a middle ground where we can acknowledge we both played a part in this situation.

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      Daniel Tran 4 years ago

      Alright then, thank you Michael for sharing your insight. I'll try to do the best I can to save this relationship. I'll tell you how things go in the near future.

      Thank you. (:

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      Daniel Tran- My suggestion is that you should greet her with a smile and act like nothing happened. I know this will be hard, but in order for you two to overcome this you will need to start fresh. Then, wait for her response. If she responds positively, then it is good. If she responds negatively, then at least you did the right thing.

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      Daniel Tran 4 years ago

      Hi Michael, thank you for responding.

      She told me she might have 'changed', and this may have had affected her feelings for me.

      I'll be seeing her again on Monday when school starts, is there any tips you could give me to get rid of any awkwardness that may arise during our first confrontation after this week's break? Should I hang around with her during lunch like we used to in the past, or should I just hang with my own friends and give her time?

      I'm sorry if I'm seem like such a bother.

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      Michael Davis 4 years ago

      Daniel Tran- First, you can't make anyone have feelings for you. Yes, love is worth fighting for. However, if she doesn't respond then you are just spinning your wheels. Has she given you any specifics as to why she lost feelings for you?

      If you want her back, then you will have to love her like no other man does. You will have to treat her like a queen and win her heart. Be the best thing that has ever happened to her. Trust her, be gentle with her and build her up and make her feel special. Let her know how proud you are of her.

      Please remember that you cannot control another person, so ultimately it's up to her.

      Blessings to you as you work to win her heart.

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      Daniel Tran 4 years ago

      Here's my story:

      My girlfriend and I have been going out for 14 months now, and that may not be long, but to me it is. We've shared many great and happy moments with one another, but there are times when our relationship has reached it's downfall as well. In the past, my girlfriend would sometimes suddenly act cold and distant towards me, for no apparent reason, and I often feel left in the dark and helpless. But generally after a few days, she'll return to normal and give me a letter or text explaining why she acted the way she did, which is completely okay with me. But just about a week ago, she begins to act like this again and this time she asked for a week's break, telling me, "Nothing serious." I took her word and waited for a week, which was yesterday. Now during this week, I've been talking to her friends and trying to find information to why she's been acting like this all of the sudden. It turns out that she has lost feelings for me, and that 'it's not the same anymore', and has been feeling this for two months prior the break. I asked her friend to convince her to try and give our relationship another shot, to see if her feelings would return. So last night she texted me asking me to call her, and we tried to discuss about what has been happening. She cried and cried, telling me that she was sorry for always treating me so coldly and distantly, and after she calmed down, she told me that I should just leave her and find someone else that deserves me. I am a really patient person, and I tried to tell her that I still love her and that she should not give up just yet. But later on, I told her that maybe if she tried harder for our relationship, her feelings could return, however she reacted badly to that comment and hung up on me. I tried calling her back a few times, but she didn't pick up. So I texted her, telling her to meet up with me earlier today, to fully talk about this, and for her not running away. We met up at the park today, and again, she asked me that I should just leave her because it's just not worth it. However, I managed to convince her that we should give our relationship one last chance, and she agreed, not before asking for another weeks break. Which is when school starts. Now that I know that I have one more chance to make this relationship right, I'd like to know how I could make her believe that this relationship could work and get her to be 100% committed to this last chance. Throughout the talk, she appeared sceptical that this second chance is not going to work, but she still agreed to it anyway. Is there any way I can somehow convince that it will work, and that if she doesn't give it her all, it's not going to work. It's basically all or nothing. Now I know I am still young, but someone once told me if you really love something, you have to fight for it. So yeah, basically, I'm fighting for her, and this relationship. Any advice you could give in helping her believe that this relationship could work, and somehow reignite her feelings for me? I know I am in a very difficult situation but with enough determination and effort, I know that this can work.

      Just a side note: Before she left, she randomly asked me if I had called and threatened one of her male friends during the break, which surprised me. Of course this wasn't true, and I am not the type of person that'd do that, so I told her no. But I find it really strange she appeared to be more concerned about this 'male' friend of hers, instead of focussing on our relationship. Any thoughts on that?

      Please answer as soon as possible, I don't have much time.

      Thank you.

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      Matt- I think it's a good sign that she won't let you break up and that she still considers you as being together. So, could your feelings be insecurities that are making you read too much into things? When relationships problems occur, we tend to begin dissecting every word and facial expression. When things are going well we don't even pay attention, but just enjoy every moment. So, I think as a start you need to get back to just trusting her and enjoying her. Don't get stuck in the trap of trying to figure everything out and look too much into everything. She says that she is still yours, so be thankful and by happy in that. Appreciate her for the gift she is and treat her like a queen without asking anything in return. I think you will be pleasantly surprised by the results.

      So, just trust her and love her and let go of the recent past and let the relationship take its natural course for now.

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      Matt 5 years ago

      Wow, such amazing and truthful stories. So here's mine. I met my girlfriend just under 6 years ago. We will be hopefully celebrating our 6 year anniversary this April 7th. I'm an Actor and since meeting she knew that at some point I wanted to move to LA to pursue it more aggressively. So about 9 months ago just after buying a house together, I made that decision. Then in February, my dad passed away. I still decided to go. So, June 7th, I moved out here. We've always had a great relationship. However, I always knew she loved me more than I loved her. Once I moved out here, it flipped. I was so madly in love with her. She also has a 10 year old daughter and since we've been together for so long, I have grown a love for her daughter too. She was previously married to a highschool sweetheart whom she had her daughter with for about 6 months. We never really talked about how things would change when I left. Unfortunately, my timing wasn't perfect either. I left just a week after her daughter left for the Summer to go to her father's out of state. So I left my girlfriend all by herself in a new house and home that we created together. After coming out here, I noticed she was going out a lot. My personal insecurities made me immediately jealous and not realizing that she just couldn't be home alone, because it was too difficult. So I would get upset at her and yell at her on the phone if I didn't think she called me enough and even accused her of cheating. Who would want to even call someone that just yells at them? I have now become aware of how my actions drove us apart. We would fight over the phone and a few times I even tried to break up with her to make it easier(not the type of person I am). She wouldn't let me saying, "I won't let you take the easy way out". So just over a week ago, I flew back home for a few days to see her, try to repair our relationship, and welcome her daughter back home. We had some great times, but I could tell something was different. We had brunch one day and she said she thought she would feel more connected when I left. Coupled with the way I treated her, I know I drove her even further from me. As of right now, we talk maybe once a day. I'm moving back home in 45 days, for numerous reasons. But I would be lying if I didn't say that our relationship isn't the most important. I have learned a lot in my time out here and knowing what I really want. I didn't know what I had and now it seems it may be gone forever. She won't say I love you anymore, but we did have a nice 30 minute phone conversation yesterday. She said she doesn't know what she wants anymore or if she wants to try to reconcile our once amazing relationship. When I told her I was coming home, she said she wasn't ready to have me back yet. Even though, just a month ago she wrote me a beautiful letter about believing in our strength, sacrifice, and that we will come out better for it in the end. Along with a little poem she wrote me before I left about being in my heart and finding strength in her. Even though, once I left it felt like she had already wrote me off. Before I left home, my intention was to be out here forever, now when I go back home, it will have only been 4 1/2 months. Lastly, last Xmas I bought her a ring. I wanted so badly to make it an engagement ring, but knew that it wouldn't be right to propose and leave. So I made it a ring to show my commitment to her, I feel that's when things started to slowly change. I know I probably forgot some things after typing all this, but any help would mean so much. I know they will never be the same and I'm happy with that, because I learned that I could have been such a better partner to her all along. If we can get through this together, we will have such a strong bond. I don't want to give up on us. I don't want to put a 10 year old girl through this, I have faith in our love and hope for our relationship. It's just hard to not let doubts and bad feelings and images creep into my head. Please help, I am so lost. She doesn't give me a lot to go off of either. Last Sunday, I told her how I thought things went wrong, I apologized completely for how I treated her, and told her how much I loved her, wanted to make things work, and didn't want to give up on us. When done I didn't ask her any questions, I just wanted her to know my position. She said the other day that we're still "together" but it doesn't feel that way. I know we can't fix this thing over the phone, but I hope we can make it until I get home in 45 days. Ranting, I know. Thanks to everyone that reads, if you have any questions or it seems like somethings missing, please let me know.

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      Kim- There is a passage in the Bible that says "perfect love casts out fear...the one who fears has not been made perfect in love". So, the reason you fear to hope or fear the inevitable is that the love has been broken between you and him. So, you need to grow in love. The "feelings of love" is a chemical reaction in the body when another person excites you. However, true love is the choice to give yourself to another without asking anything in return. True love may have feelings with it, but usually it acts even though there are no feelings. I have been married for 18 years, and believe me I have had many times that I don't feel like loving my wife, but I do it anyway because I choose to. I believe that loving someone and "being in love" are two different creatures. I love many people but am only in love with one. Being in love is that state of excitement because there is a special connection. However that feeling comes and goes depending on the moment. True love lasts through everything. Pick up a Bible and read I Corinthians 13, which gives us the definition of true love. If you can read it from the New International Version.

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      Kim 5 years ago

      Thank you for your encouraging reply, Mr. Davis.

      I know I have a great person in my life who has inspired and motivated me to be better, not for him or anyone else, but for myself. I'm just afraid that I've realized this too late, but I'm hoping that the damage can be repaired win patience, love, and time. But, at the same time, I'm afraid to "hope" because there is a realistic possibility that all of his and my efforts will not bare fruits and that the end to our relationship is inevitable.

      What do you advise for me to do in order to continue to stay positive and to lose my fear of "hoping?"

      And if you can, please explain why love is not a feeling? Maybe my knowledge of what love is is limited, but I've always thought of it to be some sort of indescribable feeling and sensation that attributes to the desire to care, to nurture, and to protect one's significant other, etc.

      He has said that he still loves me as a person, as his best friend, but, he doesn't feel like he's "in love" with me. In your opinion, do you think there's a difference between the two states?

      Thank you for your time and courtesies! I will continue to try to be positive and keep reminding myself to be patient.

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      Kim- I'm sorry to hear of the struggle, but am pleased to hear of the positive progress. Remember that love is not a feeling, it is a conscience decision to serve and act with love toward another person, regardless of how they react. The fact that he is doing what he's doing without having feelings of love shows that he truly loves you. Give him a break. He's doing his best. Keep in mind that your past actions toward him have consequences. So, keep your head up and a smile on your face, because you have a great guy who loves you.

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      Kim 5 years ago

      Hi Mr. Davis,

      Thank you for your informative and hopeful article. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. About two or three months ago he told me his feelings for me have faded. I worked really hard to win his love back, and a few days before our two year anniversary, he told me he loved me like when we first met and he continued to feel that way on the day of our anniversary. But, a mere three days later his feelings have totally disappear and a week later he told me he's no longer "in love" with me nor does he feel like he wants to be with me. When I asked him "Why?" he initially simply said, "I don't know." But, I know it's because of all the negativity in our relationship. I use to be a very angry and explosive person, resorting to verbal attacks and I'm ashamed to say even physical, once or twice. He had been so kind. Whenever I'm upset, he would try to pacify me with hugs and simply trying to hold my hand, but I would reject his advances. And, after he was conditioned not to hug or pacify me when I'm angry, I would then accuse him of not caring and not trying to calm me down. He use to be such a calm and cool person, but he has run out of patience and nowadays, he would snap at me for something very trivial… I feel responsible for pushing him thus far. I sometimes would also compare him to other guys who are supposedly "better" and he had told me that it hurts and bothers him but I have done it on numerous occasions out of spite. I know that I need to change myself so I've been going to therapy for a year. Results are slow but I feel myself having more control of my anger to the point that I no longer curse or lash out. I'm very proud of my accomplishments. I just wish it wasn't too late... :(

      He wanted to break up, but I convinced him that since I have changed for the better, we are worth another shot. I wanted to start over, to start a new relationship but with the same person, but my boyfriend was a little apprehensive but ultimately agreed to "try." He said that he has forgiven me for every bad thing that I have done to hurt him, but he said he can't forget them. However, he promised not to dwell on the past and not to dwell on the hurt, and I have agreed to do the same and look towards a better future.

      I'm a very proactive person, when something is damaged, I would try to actively fix it. But, I know how desperate and crazy it can be to blindly try and fix something without a "game plan." So the first thing I did was suggest a break, a reset period. It was suppose to be a two week break but because of unforeseen circumstances, it became only one week. But, in that one week break, my boyfriend and I had little to no contact. After the one week, I asked him if he was ready to start over and he said "Yes." He told me he would put his all into trying to repair our relationship.

      It has been a little more than a week since we decided to start over. Everything has been going pretty good. Our communication has been the best it has ever been. My boyfriend has used the notes I had given him throughout our past relationship and has been doing nice things like calling me unexpectedly (something he rarely does cause he hates talking on the phone). On the day I had my LASIK procedure, he told me he was going to go see his high school teacher and I told him to "have fun." After meeting up with his teacher, he showed up to my house with ice cream to surprise me. I was so happy. Things have been going so well that it hurts that I have to constantly remind myself not to get too comfortable. My boyfriend is a great person so I'm sure he's just doing this because he cares for me and is also good natured, not because his feelings are coming back for me :(

      Yesterday, I asked him if there has been any progress in the feelings department, and he said "No." It made my heart dropped. He said that there's a 50/50 percent chance things will work out or won't work out. However, he told me that he has become more optimistic and more hopeful that things will turn out okay. But, now I'm feeling a little bit pessimistic. I feel like I'm foolishly trying to change the inevitable and that the end is already set in stone…

      Do you think it's too early to conclude the end-result? Should I give it more time before throwing in the towel? I know I have to be patient since I can't expect results overnight but it's truly hard when I feel so out of control of my life. I can see that he has been trying and I have been trying my hardest not to "pressure" him into loving me. I don't ask him whether he loves me yet or constantly nag him, and I have made it clear to him that I don't blame him for falling out of love with me. I have been trying to be my happy self around him and to be optimistic, but at times, I really can't see the light at the end of the tunnel :(

      BUT, I don't want to give up because I know I'm not ready to let him go. I really love him, and I want us to have that relationship we both want for each other. I would appreciate any advice you have to offer. Thank you for reading!!

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      Jay- no, I don't think you should contact her at all. She will need to initiate it. You need to honor her request of no contact.

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      Jay 5 years ago

      Thanks michael, I am still progressing through my counselling and medication and ative saving etc for the future. I hope that in time she will forgive me. I am still hopeful and have a belief that things can be different in the future. Do you reckon theres any benefit in me instigating any contact after some time has passed??

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      Jay- I'm sorry to hear this. Yes, you should honor her wish and stop contacting her. At least you tried and now you can live with no regrets for not trying. What you can do is take time to work on yourself and become and even better person through all of this. Yes, I will pray.

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      Falula- Unfortunately, we live in a broken world with broken people. That means that sometimes people are going to do stupid things to us. It isn't fair, but it is reality. My thought is that you should do what you are doing by moving on. Too, I think because of the way he is acting that you should tell the mutual friends to not mention him when you are around them and ask them to not mention you to him out of respect to you. He has personal issues that he needs to work through and we can only hope that someday he will wake up and realize what he has lost. At that time you will be a much better and stronger person. If and when he comes around be ready to respond with grace and forgiveness. Time has a way of softening us and making us forget the hurt.

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      Jay 5 years ago

      Hi Michael, My ex as per my posts above has not responded well to my "weekly" texts letting her know that I was thinking of her and miss her. She has told me to stop contacting her and her friends. I'm not sure if she has forgiven me for what i did as described inprevious entries, i sensed a little anger in her message to me. She has not responded to my apology letter and doesn't want to talk. Please pray for our reconciliation and rebuilding of our love. Is the only thing I can do now to honour her wish for no contact??

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      Falula 5 years ago

      Several months ago my best male friend stopped speaking to me (coincidentally weeks after I admitted more than friendly feelings, to which he said he was ok with). After a week he finally called to tell me he was ending our relationship because he felt I wasn't kind to him and it had become toxic. We were also partners in a side venture, which was his idea, but he quietly removed me from the business. I was stunned. I've managed to move on meeting new friends, hanging out with others I probably didn't see as much and having a good time without him, but I think of him often - probably more than I should. I've had a couple of moments of contact since then with either no or stilted response (for example, I asked for written documentation of my removal of our business venture per an attorney's advice and he responded like he was the victim). I don't understand what I did that was so blatantly wrong he felt the need to do this without talking to me. He told me (and others) on many occasions how much he valued me and our friendship so I'm confused. I will keep doing what I'm doing in an effort to move on but I miss him and want answers I'm afraid I'm never going to get. I did recognize what I may have done wrong and apologized, but it seemed to be too late - he made up his mind. Should I try to reconnect or is it even worth it? We have a great deal of mutual friends and we've known each other a couple of decades.

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      Psp- There isn't much you can do right now. I will pray. You will have to be patient. We can't control another person's reactions. So, waiting and not giving up hope is the only thing you can do.

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      Psp 5 years ago

      My friendship got recently broken with my male friend. some mistake was done by him and i made him that remember. we both are married. He is now not even talking to me or forgiving me since that day. i too begged a lot for forgiveness and tried my level best to communicate and reconcile but i think he is so much hurt or in anger that he is not forgiving me. what shud i do? keep patience and wait and will he ever talk to me or forgive me?

      Please pray for me and my friend.

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      Kyle- To get mentally to that point takes time. You have to give yourself time to heal and to figure things out again.

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      Nic- It's ok to rant. It helps get the emotional stress out. You can't keep it in forever. While I am a big believer in reconciling relationships, sometimes it's just not possible due to one person or both being to stubborn. So, my advice is to move on without him. If this other guy is being what you need and want, then give it a chance and see where it goes. But, be careful. When two relationships run close in time together like this, you risk bringing your pain from the other relationship into the new one and then you end up with two broken relationships. So, proceed with caution.

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      Kyle Deitert 5 years ago

      I think I understand that but idk how to get myself mentally to that point.

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      Kyle- I heard something the other day that I like. A broken heart only allows you to be more wide open to the world. You have closed off your heart, so you never let the world in. By putting yourself out there and risking being hurt you are really opening up to the world and allowing beauty into your life. Yes, you will get hurt. But, better to love and be hurt than to never have known love.

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      Kyle Deitert 5 years ago

      All I have to say is ouch hon..

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      Nic 5 years ago

      Okay I've been with this guy on and off for about 4 1/2 years. Nothing ever changes, even when hes says its going to. He always brings empty promises to the table and I for one grow tired of it. Yes there are quite a few trust issues, but not on my part. Well, on my part as in I dont trust his word at all anymore. But who can blame me really? He's put me through hell and back the last 7 months. I've stated numerous times that any SANE girl would of left him months ago. But I stuck it out and stayed by his side even though he ignored me daily for his other friends. I lasted for 7 months before I asked one simple thing from him, but apparently it was still to much to ask. All I wanted was for him to show me that he actually wanted to be with me. Thats not to much to ask is it?

      I will admit that he did change. But it was for a short 2 weeks. Then he went back into the mindset that I loved him and wouldnt leave him no matter what. I guess that is partly my fault because I told him time and time again that I was loyal to him and wouldnt leave him no matter what. Well that was before he sucker punched me in the face -not literally- and sent my ass flying back through the damn hole that I worked so hard to knock into his damn wall that he had put up around his heart. He pushed me out again and I finally snapped. I got tired of being treated like shit all the time. I wanted to be # 1 for once ya know? Girls in general dream of that one guy that would come in and sweep her off her feet? I was one of those girls. Then came the words "I cant be that guy, I tried." Yeah deal breaker right there. At that point I turned and ran. I was tired of crying and being depressed over someone who didnt seem to care one bit that they almost pushed me to the point of suicide, and yes I know, no man is worth killing one's self over. But my point here, and sorry if I am ranting. But he wants another chance and I dont think I can give that to him.

      I have no choice now but to put this last bit of information here. Someone has came into my life and is working on sweeping me off my feet. I know it hurts him dearly but dont I deserve a chance to have a prince charming if my ex "cant" be that guy? Im not sure. In my eyes I see it as he's only trying now because he knows that he messed up his last chance. He's had an infinite amount of last chances....

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      Kyle Deitert 5 years ago

      Thanks big bro -.-'

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      Grant Nuss 5 years ago

      Kyle. Put forth trust, sir. You need to make sure that you do what you need to do, sir. Give it your all.

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      Kyle Deitert 5 years ago

      Yes there are trust issues, I've been hurt by a lot of different people in the past couple of years and I just find it hard to open up and just let people in. Unfortunately I never really let her in either. I was selfishly afraid of getting hurt.

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      Jay 5 years ago

      Thanks Michael, I realise what you are saying though this is not the case right now. Presumably even if that circumstance was to arise it is the premise that showing unconditional love and proof of changes in me is the only way forward?

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      Kyle Deitert- We give ourselves to whatever is important to us. If she is really important to you, then give yourself to her. Look deep within yourself and try to discover what is holding you back. Are there trust issues or anything else that is keeping you from giving yourself totally to her?

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      Jay- We cannot control other people, so if this situation arises, there isn't much you can do about it. If she ends up with someone else, you will have to deal with that reality and move on. You have no control over that. One of the beautiful lessons I have learned in life is that I don't need to control others. It gives me a real sense of freedom to let go.

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      Kyle Deitert 5 years ago

      I just broke up with the love of my life. I've read through the article and am stunned. I basically used her as an instrument to vent and fume :( basically she was my emotional punching bag..

      I feel terrible about all of this. I've known her since I was 16 and I'm 19 now.. I keep saying I'll change and I just don't know how. I put her second instead of first and now she's thinking of getting with someone else. I am willing to stay friends but I want to prove to her how much better I can become, I'm tired of being in love and not giving it as I should. Doesn't anyone have some advice?

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      Jay 5 years ago

      Thank you again for your advice. Obvsiously these things take time and ultimately I will do whatever I need to do. It's funny, my father who is a christian says almost exactly the same things to me. I truly believe that we are meant to be together and know she is the one for me, as she believed too prior to the mess i created forcing her to leave. I will continue to prove and to show unconditional love. It is entirely possible that even before we might have further chance for reconcilliation, or her developing beliefs in possible opportunities with me that she might at first begin a relationship with someone else. What should i do if this situation arises??

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      jay- If she is not responding, that's okay. She is reading them, but she has to have time to believe what you are saying and to see action. So, be patient. As far as a timeline, I would say go with your gut feeling, but I would do it maybe once every two weeks. Sometimes surprise her with a really nice note in between.

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      jay 5 years ago

      Hi Michael, thank you for your advice. If she is not responding to messages described as what you say, what should I do? Is it a matter of continuing these, if so what is a good timescale in between messages to avoid pessure or annoyance?

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      msorensson- Thank you.

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      msorensson 5 years ago

      What a well written and insightful article. Thank you for sharing it.

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      Jay- When someone gets hurt badly, then it takes a while for them to get over it. Two months isn't long enough for you to have proven that you have changed. So, give it more time. As far as contact, form time to time send her little messages saying that you miss her, that you are still working hard on yourself, and that you love her. But, don't overdo it. Keep it light. Give her time to heal. Let her know that you understand where she is coming from and that you will give her the time and space she needs to heal.

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      broken girl- If it has been that way since the beginning, then one of two things is wrong. Either you two are not supposed to be together or you both do not know how to have a healthy relationship. When you love someone you are happy around them. You aren't happy all the time, but most of the time you are. So, you need to decide if you two just need to go your separate ways or get counseling and learn how to have a great relationship.

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      Jay 5 years ago

      Hi Michael,

      Was with my gf for 4 years, lived together 1.5yrs. She believed I was her one and wanted marriage and so did i. In the last 8 months however I suffered depression and anxieities due to debts that I was dishonest about with her and everyone. I became distant, unaffectionate, pushed her away and told her I was unsure about her and our love. I hurt her so much. With the depression etc, I saw everything negatively. In the end she felt she could give no more and asked me to move out saying it was over. I have written a long apology letter, started counselling, medication and cognitive therapy to fix my ways. I know she is my one and I have told her this, she feels uncertain and that I have had all my chances. How do I prove I have changed and what should I do in relation to contact. We split up 2 months ago and she hasn't responded in 3 weeks or so. Thanks in advance

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      broken girl 5 years ago

      i've been with him the past 2 1/2 years we have had a lot for problem and we had been off on the fisrt year and fix it and then it falls part over and over again and know just because my phone broken he wont talk to me and i just cant help but feel even more broken then befor but i still love him and all and i know that y we keep geting together and all but i love him but am just not happy being with him but i dont how i can love him and not happy being with him at the same time and geting back is always just cause we love each and i just dont know what to do anymore

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      Bluedude 5 years ago

      Thanks Michael. I do agree although it is certainly tough not to be with her at the moment, but patience will be the key although its easier said than done!

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      Bluedude- It sounds like you are being wise. It is good not to rush in to marriage. It is a life long commitment. If you are not on the same part of the journey together, it can create alot of tension in the marriage. Continue to be patient.

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      Bluedude 5 years ago

      Your article makes alot of sense. So my fiance and I broke up and the relationship was a great one. We always got along well, never fought and knew how to enjoy each others company. Then once we became engaged the pressure of getting married really got to myself and a few months out from the wedding we broke up as a result of that as well as not being on the same page in our quest to God. I have now embarked on a journey to learning more and have begun to get in touch with my spiritual side. I am thinking positive that we can save the relationship and move forward with eventually getting married one day, just that this was a sign to get everything in order before we tie the knot. I am praying that she also sees that things can work out as we were always so great until a few weeks before breaking up! Time will tell and time will be needed to heal both parties!

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      Andrea- I'm not sure that you should rescined the apology. You would just be caught up in his game. If he is like the way you describe, then I think you should just walk away and never be in his life again. While this article is about reconciling relationships, I realize that not all relationships can be repaired. Some relationships are just not healthy, and this sounds like one of them. You would do well to say nothing, and just disappear from his life for your own health and sanity.

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      Michael Davis 5 years ago

      Al- Yes, please email me

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      Andrea 5 years ago

      Please lend me your insights on this one: In what situation would one rescind an apology?

      I apologized to someone (a friend whom I ended friendship with). Now I figured that he was manipulative, didn't play fair and "guilt tripped" me to get that apology in the first place...

      It's been a month since my apology.

      I really want to send in: "The passage of time has made it clear to me now that you are a dishonest manipulator who treats people like lab rats in his experiments. I only apologized to be a decent person and not stoop down to your level."

      That's all.

      Wonder if I should send it...

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      Al 5 years ago

      Oh, it wasn't the first time I hurt her. Not to this level, mind you, but I did before. She reacted very well to my card (though is still quite angry with me for betraying her confidence, mind), and I have sent her roses too, both to express how much I can do better and try harder, and also because her name is Rose! Do you mind if I emailed you about this further Michael?