Being my husband's third wife has given me insight into the trials of remarriage and how to make a second (or third) relationship work.
When I first wrote this article, I felt somewhat alone. It's an isolated feeling and for a long time, I thought that I was alone in my feelings of discouragement and resentment. But then I decided to share my personal experiences with being my husband's second wife, and the article I wrote gained a lot of attention. The truth is that I felt encouraged.
What follows is my personal experience and how I feel about being the second wife (or in my case, the third). I know now that I am not alone in the way that I feel, and remarried men might want to consider my words in dealing with the ups and downs they face with their second wife.
Leaving the Past in the Past
Often, however much effort we might make towards leaving the past in the past, we are haunted by it. We are troubled by an affair our ex had with her boss, or we are fearful of the raised voice that accompanied a meltdown. Or worse, we remember (with a mixture of disgust and fondness) particularly enjoyable sexual encounters with the ex. Maybe it is the honeymoon that is recalled so fondly, or perhaps we still have a close relationship with our former in-laws.
What if your husband is still friends with his first wife? What then?
There are many emotions that are significant to married life. Men, in particular, associate sex with affection and receive an incredible emotional satisfaction from the sexual pleasure their women receive during their intimate times. Also recalled may be the anger from a particular fight, or the betrayal when she announced that she wanted a divorce. In many cases, every stab to his heart that he experienced during his marriage is buried deeply and has yet to be dealt with in an effective and appropriate manner.
These bits and pieces come to the surface every now and again in many second marriages. Some past issues need to be dealt with gently and firmly, while others need to be handled by a trained counselor. Your husband's relationship with his first wife can affect his relationship with you in a very profound way.
One of the things that has been hardest for me as a second wife is the fact that my husband had children before he met me. There are three children from his first marriage. He had been through the pregnancy and birth process three times before he met me. And when I became pregnant, I was met with a nod and a shrug. My pregnancy wasn't special: he had seen it all before. In fact, when he introduced me to friends of his, he would talk excitedly about his oldest two children (of whom he had physical custody for six years) without introducing me or announcing my pregnancy. I felt like a fifth wheel, with his oldest children taking priority in his life. I took a back burner. My children took a back burner.
Many second wives feel this way. We are hurt when our husbands seem to take less interest in our pregnancies (they've seen it before and are pretty sure that we aren't as fragile as we would like them to believe). We miss the tears in their eyes when our first child is born. We miss the expected excitement. We are sometimes angered when our mothers in law don't come by in the hospital to see the new baby. They've seen it before. Sometimes they even think he shouldn't have had more children.
A second wife often has to play second-fiddle to the children from the first marriage. She can be hurt and alone and confused by why this is happening. Bitterness can build in her if she is neglected, or if she is given too much of a role in caring for her step-children. She might become angry if her parenting skills are compared to those of his first wife, and she often feels as though she was his second pick.
A second wife can become incredibly resentful of her step-children, and it is taboo for her to discuss this topic, with her husband, or with her friends. Many women feel so guilty about the subject that they only allow it to eat at them rather than properly addressing the issue through counseling and proper communication with their husbands. And often, men don't understand what is eating at their wives.
Second Doesn't Mean Second Best
A second wife might ask of herself (and her husband!) what it was about the first that he loved. She might even feel as though he has been unfaithful to her, in spite of the fact that the "other woman" was his wife! Even if he doesn't, she might compare herself to his ex. She might even worry that if he lost interest in his first wife that he will also lose interest in her.
This is especially complicated if there is a support order. If her husband is unable to support her and her children, the second wife may become very resentful of the first wife, her husband, and the children they have together. She will sometimes doubt herself, and she may find that she regrets having become involved with her husband in the first place.
It's My Story
I don't like being a "second" and am, in fact, a "third." My husband is my second, and I know that we both live with the regrets of the past. Some of those regrets have been caused by one another, other regrets are caused by legislation that has not been well thought-through. We both hurt greatly from time to time and each of us questions ourselves.
Being a "second" is part of the reason that I have considered very deeply the implications of pre-marital and extra-marital sex. Two souls came together before, and when the divorces occurred, what remained was no longer complete. I got what was left over when his first two wives were done with him. I experience sadness and sometimes even shame. Some days I fear that I am becoming the "bitter woman" that I dreamed I would never be.
I am a "second" and it isn't easy. For those of you who are remarried, male or female, give your spouse everything that you have, and strive to never, ever make them feel like a "second."
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Betsy29 on February 19, 2020:
I'm a second wife and having a difficult time. My husband is taking his kids on vacation with out me, over my birthday. I told him it was ok and he should go because it would be good for them. But yes part of me wants him to take me or not go at all so we can spend my birthday together. I feel selfish and angry. I am made at him and myself for feeling this way. I want him to go, but I also want to be a priority. But I can't have it both ways.
kelly chebet on February 18, 2020:
am Kelly,23years old dating a married guy. his open about his relationship with his wife and what he wants is go marry a second wife. he's also not leaving his wife for me. of which am okay with that the only thing am scared of is coz am scared of getting married to him what do l do
Liz on February 16, 2020:
I am also second wife, he's my second too. We both have one child from our previous. I have a daughter he has a son, and my goodness his son is his world. Which is perfectly fine and understandable. In my previous marriage I lost a son at 24 weeks (7 years ago). Now with my current husband, we are expecting a son. I'm now 26 weeks, I'm super excited, I have been given a second chance. But I don't feel he's that excited about it. I've been pregnant for 6 months and he has hardly ever touched my belly or very rarely asks anything about how baby is doing. He's lovable with me and of course when his son is here that's all he cares about. I tried mentioning the issue, but he says he's just too busy to sit down and 'rub my belly'. He does work a lot, I give him that. But with what he had told me with his son, when his ex was pregnant and how excited he was, he had bought a doppler to listen to him, he got a big tattoo on his back with his sons name on before he was even born. He hasn't done any of that with ours on the way. And yes he's busy but he comes and lays next to me, he often comes up to me and kisses me on the check or lips. He sits down to watch TV etc. Like I aid with me as his wife he's great, but none of those moments does he ever acknowledge the fact that there's a baby growing in me. The only times he's even felt him kick is because I have grabbed his hand and put on my belly and he feels for like 2 seconds and just say oh wow that was cool and that's it.
Although he's not rejecting me, I feel sad cause I feel he's neglecting our son.
Al on January 09, 2020:
I'll admit, I never accepted my mom's second husband and, at this point, I'm quite sure I never will. They've been together for years now and I won't meet him. Because he's, quite honestly, not my mom's real husband. Regardless of what laws and papers say, life says her real husband is my dad.... Sorry.
Valkyrie1 on November 15, 2019:
I am a first wife, married for 15 years. My ex husband was married and she was pregnant with in a year of our divorce. His second wife, "M", when I met her, was insanely beautiful. I can say, with modesty, I am attractive myself. BZut, this woman was gorgeous.I have had nothing but respect and admiration for M. She is an incredible step mother to my teenage daughter (bless her heart, teenagers are extremly difficult). She has been a blessing in my life and I truly worry about her because I know my ex. I met with her, after not seeing her at all for 4 years, and a once gorgeous woman looks like an ex meth addict. She was once such a sweet hearted person, and now, she is full of anger towards me and everyone. I want so much to tell her its not her fault. That she doesnt deserve what he, "R", is doing to her. But, I cant. I know she would deny any difficulties, any abuse from this gorgeous, wealthy, loved by everyone else, very excellant liar of a man. She is no where near the woman she once was. Also, the selfish part of me wants them to stay married because she is so good, not perfrct of course, but I am beyond lucky she is the other woman in my girls life. I expected to feel jealousy, possiveness-even of long life with him. I didnt. I felt.....only jealousy that she spent time with my girl that I didnt. M is a godsend. R is a rotten person. But, he is incredibly charming and no one would ever belive the truth of his abuse and narcisism. Second wives....bless you all. You are stronger than you think. You are amazing and married into,
well, sometimes, a shit storm. Stay strong, stay true to yourself above all else. And please, if you married into more problems and blame than you ever imagined, please remember how amazing you are. And, dont take shit about being "second" of anything. Fuck that. You are equally as important as his children from the first, there is NO second place in love. Hearts expand, they dont rate those they love.
3rd wife on October 26, 2019:
I always feel bad about myself financially. Emotionally. Im 42 years old. Remarried for 3 years now. My husband have 3 kids on 1st marriage. No kids on 2nd marriage. No kids with me.3rd marriage. I have 2 kids on my 1st marriage. My husband is my 2nd husband. I gor divorce on my 1st marriage bec. He was cheating on and off for 17 years of our marriage. Everything was good except for the cheating. I was financially taking care of my 1st husband. Now i have 2 teeneagers. Financially very hard for me to support and to support my son in college.18 years old and 14 years old. My husband now have 3 kids, big chold support. So he just pay for mortgage of the house. Nothing else.i wish he can help me more. I have to buy gorcery and everything we need in the house. Pay for utility bills. Enormous utility bills. My car ,car ins. Etc.when we go out .i pay for our food bec. He cant afford to pay. I dont lnow what to do. I work 60 hours everyweek just to survive. I feel like he married me so i can help him financially. Please i need advise..
IEGirl on October 08, 2019:
I am married to my husband of 21 years. My son and I are second family for him. I have been through so much all my years of marriage. I am so relieved I am not the only person feeling the way I do. I recently felt like I was going crazy. I am trying to work through this turmoil and sadness, and if I can't, I have decided to file for divorce. At this point in my life and at my age, I just want peace and happiness. And I do not have that at all, never had it. And that's the TRUTH.
My advice to anyone who is dating a person with an ex-wife or prior children, have the guts to move on. It is not worth the misery you will go through. Trust me. It's extremely difficult and one sided.
Pat on August 29, 2019:
My husband was married before, but if he introduces me as his "second wife", I introduce him as my "eighth boyfriend"! I am his wife, plain and simple, and he is my husband. I have asked him not to refer to me as a number. There is no need for numbers - that is rude and demeaning! I used to feel like you did. My husband didn't want a large wedding because "he had already had one"! He even had the nerve to tell me about the ex's birthing experience while I was in labor with our first child! It took a long time, but he doesn't bring her up any more because when he does, I bring up a similar story that includes one of my ex-boyfriends. Remember that you are NUMBER ONE now! Create new memories and firsts with your husband! Turn the table and empower yourself! Put yourself front and center, and forget about his other relationship! Change the subject and bring it back to the present! Demand respect!
Chelsee on August 29, 2019:
I am a year in to a relationship with a man who was married and has 2 children. He is the love of my life and tells me I am his, and that he married the wrong person. His children are sweet and he adores them, and frequently asks me to meet them and spend time with them as a family.. they want to meet me too. But I am terrified of being the second wife.. the second mum... I want someone to feel the excitement of the first time like I will be when it comes to my time to marry, and give birth. I want to be the mother to someone’s first born. I want to be the person someone is so terrified to get down on one knee for because they’ve never done it before and it’s scary, and I want it to be the best day of both of our lives. I love this man and no one has ever loved me more, or better. But I am terrified of committing to life as number 2. Does it get better? Does time heal the insecurities?
Shalee on August 28, 2019:
I feel your pain. I have always been the 2nd wife with my first husband and now 2nd husband. I hate it!!!!! My first husband, I was the first to have his children. However, he did the whole wedding and honeymoon with his first. Something that ate at me for years. All I got was justice of the peace. He was abusive and I left 15 years later. My second, seemed to be a man of my dreams. He was so into his first daughter. Painted murals on her nursery.... had a wedding and honeymoon. Cried when he got married... his mother loved his first daughter and loved his first wife. I got none of that, we had another kid which it didn’t seemed like he cared about until I blew up at him several times. Because of course I loved this child just the same as my other 4 from a previous marriage. He painted her room but that was it. Nothing special mural like he did with his first daughter( mural: covered all four walls with a forest themed) His mother has nothing to do with his 2nd daughter. Nor does any of his family members. His mother in fact only hangs out with his first wife. I never got a wedding like I dreamed about or honeymoon. I got justice of the peace again. Hell he didn’t even propose to me. Then years later, I found out that he bought her a $3,000 engagement ring. Mine that he bought me years after we were married cost $150. There are times I feel he treats me worse than he did his first wife. I resent everything about her. Now I am starting to resent him and his daughter. I feel used!!! I feel like he only wants me to be his maid and do everything for his first daughter. I am second guessing everything with him because how his family treats this child and how nothing I wanted seemed to matter. He always did family portraits with his first wife. Then I said I want that, he just makes funny faces every time and does seem to care about taking real pictures with his current family. Sometimes, I just want him to go back with his ex and leave me alone... of course sign his rights away. He knows how much the above bothered me and takes no action to change it. I want to be the first for once!!!!
Kay Rose on August 16, 2019:
I am his second wife we have been married 37 years dated 7 yrs. I am 62, he is 69. He has NOW only happy when he spends his family time with hi s baby daughter from his first marriage and her second group of grandchildren by her. It is the only time he shows any happiness. I have been left alone what can I do
Catherine on July 31, 2019:
Elizabeth - it sounds like he’s just inconsiderate and that’s got nothing to do with his ex wife.
He should be paying for his kids, that was his decision and you should be getting support for yours.
Sounds like he’s being pulled in a lot of directions to me.
Letty on July 30, 2019:
Hello I agree it is hard and difficult i have no kids with him and a daughter and three stepbabies that i love so much .just at times i feel im not good enough to have his children family memembers feel that he doesnt need anymore but i would love to experince one more pregnancy.
Elizabeth on July 23, 2019:
OMG. It's my life.
I'm with devorse and 3 stepchildren (they are very lovely no issues at in there) he's paying a huge child maintenance + their phone bills and school uniforms which I'm left with "we can't afford it". We have 2 our own kids youngest is now 3 weeks old and what made me to look and read your post is his comment after trying to get 3 years old sibling to bed with an awful tantrum (new baby sister sindrom, want my mummy and everything is just awful) that he can't do this anymore, he has a business to run and we are just a hassle to him and he can't continue like this every day to spend an hour to help with bedtime and drop off in nursery in the morning (which only I did and only I pay for)
So our kids are just my kids and my hassle + his 3 kids are my hassle too. I had full time job + cooking, cleaning, shopping, organising, baby sitting, garden, washing, laundry is on me. His kids are on me. I always rush and worry what I'm goi3to cook for them, buy clothes and be home in time to meet them when they are dropped off. Get dinner ready in time in school night for them, because they will be picked up no later than 5:45pm. And no one has told me that his youngest have mild autism, I had to Google it myself and of course deal with her moments and then feel awful if I reacted to harsh.
I have always been honest about that I want children no matter that he have 3. He was running after me for months to get me to be with him. All nice and romantic and amazingly caring. I didn't ask for it. But now I feel like slave and just been here to make his life easier. He literally comes home to eat, have shower, change, shit and if lucky have sex.
To be honest I can't ask for better step children, they are amazing and very close and caring with their stepsister.
But as it says in post, my children don't count in his eyes (he loves them no doubt) but that special first feeling to me, he just don't have. He's family doesn't even care about our second baby, they all live just next door. In fact I was told "don't you dare to have an others child" both babies are planned and he was all for it. But i have this feeling that my babies doesn't count. They are mine and my problem. With our first, the day we went home was the worst day and I'll always remember it and that they just broke something in me. He just couldn't get rid of us quickly enough, you see, he had work and people to deal with. I just felt like a trush on that day. With our second I didn't even wanted him to be there.
Before we had our kids I stayed at home to baby sit his kids and he went out. I cleaned when they were sick, did the bath and bed times and dealed with their tantrums before bed and in the public. But I'm the hassle now.
And that's right, whenever ex calls he's running and doing whatever she demands even its not what they agreed. She's changing days and adding things he have to pay for just what suits her and he just agrees. Kind of sick of this all. Just staying because I have put so much my work and time and love in this family, house and garden. As I said to him that I'm still with him because I put to much my time and love in the garden and it's now looking its best. But seriously kids are so close and all what I went through with them, it would be just wasted. I'm just hoping it will get better when I'll get my me times back when my babies will be older.
Cristina on July 22, 2019:
Im also a second wife and it is my first marriage. I find it difficult at times and fustrating. I feel guilty because I feel like im second fiddle to his two older sons from previous relationship. Sometimes i feel selfish because i would like to have my husband to myself and i play granddma to his son's kids. Its difficult when they stay with us with their kids (our grandkids) it makes me feel very isolated at times and lonely. I dont have children with him so it hard. Im glad to see that im not alone in this matter and other ppl have the same feelings.
Catherine on July 10, 2019:
I feel for you Jake. In a situation like this you need to respect that people have had lives before you and be a grown up. Nobody should have to deny or avoid the contact they want to have with their family or ex-wife. Manage your jealousy don’t restrict or guilt trip into avoidance. If they want to be with you they will choose you, it seems like they have and if they don’t, it wasn’t meant to be.
Charlisty on May 03, 2019:
Hi. Ive been dating this guy for almost a year and I found out that he was previously married. For over 2 years I suppose. It shook me hard. But when I got the courage we talkes about it. But thought about what happened kept bothering me. Just this morning he told me that they just wasnt feeling the spark anymore because she had a miscarriage. I cried. I dont even know if am allowed to considering, he's the one in pain and grief. I've been crying since. I just dont know what to do. I love him a lot and he has taken great lengths to ensure that I am happy. Do you think that we can work as a couple? Ive never been married before and I always envisioned that I'd be someone's first. But I really do love him.
Catherine1107 on April 14, 2019:
I’m about to be divorced (amicably) after 20 years of marriage and two children. I’d hate to think that my STBXH and I couldn’t be friends and maintain a strong relationship moving forward, we’ve shared a life together for 20 years although we don’t want to be a couple anymore. Unless the ex-wife is causing problems in your relationship I’d say it’s not really up to you to interfere in this, it’s quite controlling. I appreciate it might be hard but such is life, we are all adults and are entitled to ongoing relationships with whoever we like.
Emmaculate on April 05, 2019:
I think I like this,I'm second too,the most hurting thing is that every weekend my husband travels to the 1st wife's home and only comes back on Sunday so as to start the weeks routine of going to work till weekend again and he goes
Ronnie on April 03, 2019:
Is it normal for a husband to just go and hang out with his first family without telling his new wife? They do stuff behind my back all the time but he never tells me about it or gid forbide invites me, I usually find out through others or figure it out by myself. I just feel so left out and like I don't matter. Just like a toy or pet he comes home to play with when he is tired of ex and kids. I told him I don't want him to go to his ex's house, if he wants to see the kids they come over to us anytime they are grown and all have cars. But no he rather sneaks around behind my back almost seems like its fun for him to make me fell bad about not belonging. It just kills me imagining him sitting around a table with ex and kids and having birthday dinner like they are still one happy family where everybody denies my existence. Anybody else going through something similar like this or am I the only one?
Fun thing is to that I left my whole family behind in my homecountry to be with him - Im missing out on all of their big events for him putting him first but he cant even go as far as include me into his family. Big mistake I made, mom warned me to never get with a guy with kids... I wish it was as easy as just to get up and leave.
michele on March 21, 2019:
You are so right. My husband and I are both each others "thirds", I have never had children and my husband has an adult son and an 11 year old daughter. The sun rises and sets on his daughter, absolutely everything I say is wrong no matter what . I always feel that I am last in line of importance. I tease and say your "other" wife, he has no clue what I mean however. I unfortunately find myself resenting him, knowing that he chooses to put his daughter over his wife. I always tell him that I chose to be his wife and she is always his daughter. I am the only income in our family and he spends to much of MY hard earned money on himself and her. I haven't had money to buy myself the basics I need for work, yet weekly they both get nice new shiny things to wear, and play with. if I ask him to pick me up something from the store.. the answer is always "oh I forgot", however he NEVER forgets anything his daughter needs or wants. unfortunately things will come to a head and I will leave him because of his neglect, he doesn't seem to know or care. As long as the pay checks come in he doesn't care. I always say to myself he wont miss me when I am gone.... however he will miss the money and maid that I am. I love him more then anything in the world but I am really sick of being less then who I should be. It is his problem and in the end he will find that I have chose to NOT be his slave and checkbook... and all I can say to that is well I hope your daughter takes care of you and gets a job really fast to pay for him and her to live.
candace on February 09, 2019:
My stepdaughter physically bit and assaulted my daughter and myself. Her dad told us to not do anything or say anything - that his ex would take care of it. For 33 years I took care of them. It was hell. And now he's died. I am left with the bills and problems, and the kids will get money and the perks. I have absolutely completely ruined my life.
santos on December 03, 2018:
its true its really painful it hurts so much,to think that someone was there before you and when you see your husband have not moved on u have so many regrets wondering what going and to him you are not special he is used to things u don't know when its your first time,he is used to everything,sometimes all you have is regrets,,
Kristyjones on November 19, 2018:
I think every women who is in a relationship with someone who already has kids can feel this way at some point. My fiancé puts me first and shows it. No he isn’t a bad father either. And has told me our child will be special to him cuz it’s something we planned and his other kids weren’t planned and used against him, he was not happy in the relationship. I was recently pregnant with a baby we planned and it ended in a miscarriage. And I know it’s wrong but I can’t help to resent his kids now. Why did I a women who loves him and doesn’t cheat(ex cheated a lot) have a miscarriage but his ex could have a healthy baby that was a result of a one night stand. It sucks:(
Please help. Thank you, I'm not alone on November 14, 2018:
Hello. I am currently crying after reading this article and the comments because I can relate so heavily to certain parts. I feel very isolated and lonely like i can't share it with anyone. I am a second. I however have never been married ( I don't have that baggage). And don't get me wrong i really love my fiance but i feel like i am just an extra i am nothing special I am just the second one... It really hurts. We recently moved to be closer to his ex-wife, I hate it where we moved and i feel that I was forced to come here against my will if I wanted to stay with him. His family is still very close with his ex wife and her family, it kills me. And another thing I am pregnant, I feel like my baby is not as special as his other 2 children with her. I almost an starting resent them which is horrible to say. I'm stressed out and sometimes suicidal. I am only 24 years old and don't think I should have to deal with this for my age. Thanks for reading.
Soni on November 12, 2018:
My husband talks all the time with he’s ex and also every time I tell him I’m not confident about that he said I need to be smart and she was a very important part of he’s life and he has a lot memories with her I feel like he still has feelings for her that’s why he keep her as he’s public Facebook photos We have a daughter and not even that he want to post because he’s afraid to hurt her he said he’s a gentleman and he need time to tell her but I feel like he do not love me or care enough for me you think I’m exaggerating??? Any help I’ll be appreciated
Mary haas on November 03, 2018:
You better play second fiddle to his children-they come FIrst or hes in no shape to have a second wife. As a mother I sure wouldn't want the father of my children to have a second wife ! Omg so bad for the children, unnecessary distraction from his real responsibilities. When a man has sex he runs the risk of impregnating her, his fault.
Heartbroken on November 03, 2018:
We get no time together I’m a stay st home mom to my daughter & then his 18 year old son lives with us I suffer from extream anxiety & mike OCD the two together is horrible my step son NEVER cleans his room NEVER even brings his laundry out for me to wash yes ME I wash them & I clean his film when he leaves it which is hardly ever & then he turns around & will pig out on everything we buy him (food) & when his is gone we will seriously eat my little girls (she’s a picky eater so that’s even worse) I’ll bring it up to my husband he doesn’t give a crap he says I get worked up over nothing, his daughter hasn’t TWO kids, her own place with her “fiancé” my husband makes her car payment even though we barley make ends meet & it’s a new car so the payment isn’t cheap plus her insurance & tags everything then once a week we go to her house for dinner except I have to cook or she’ll come to ours & I have to cook which means 20 dishes I have to do plus cook & entertain but I’m hardly ever spoken too. This weekend I had a break down I told him that I felt like I was on the back burned he said he was Sorry & didn’t want me to feel that way so he’d take me out but then her car has something wrong he not only bought the damn part he’s fixing it tomorrow & got pissed when I brought up our date, we never do anything together with my little girl & it really hurts my feelings when I brought up our time together he said “I’m home every night & we sit on the couch & watch tv together what more do you want we’re together all the time” (he doesn’t get home til 1:10am I get up at 5am for school days for my little so I just stay up til 4am with him while he sits on his phone) & sex life? HA! My husband is 43 & I’m 27 we JUST got married... ugh heart broken
BeautifulOblivion on October 26, 2018:
I have been going through being with a man with kids by 2 different women. He was married to the most recent woman. I thought that I must be the only one who could let something make me feel like I wanted my life to end. And what's more is he lies... Seek a therapist ASAP. It's not the end of your life; Your comment below let me know I am not alone.
Suicidal on October 23, 2018:
I hate being the second wife. I don't feel like a wife at all. His children always come first - he and his ex make all the decisions and I'm just along for the ride.
I want to kill myself - I don't see away out of this
feelingdefeated on October 14, 2018:
So I’m in a difficult situation that I didn’t expect to be in.
I have been in a committed serious relationship with my guy for almost two years. I live in Canada and he is in the USA. We see each other every couple weeks and for long periods of time as I work seasonally. We recently decided to try for a baby as I’m running out of time age wise. I have two kids from my ex that adore the ground my guy walks on. He has one child from his ex. We have to go through all the immigration crap in order for us to be together. I got pregnant and baby is due in 16 weeks. Now here is the major problems...his ex will not accept that he is not coming back to her. She still calls him her husband. Will not separatate anything from him, bills etc. She is very religious and says he will be her husband for life and has even threatened me to try to legally take my baby. She will not even consider finalizing a divorce or any paperwork that he has been trying to get her to do for a year. Of course like most men he is afraid of losing all his assets and his daughter. This ex will not allow his daughter to see me or even allow him to take her for ice cream if I’m in town. Now she is making things even worse by planning on showing up to our vacation in a couple weeks just to mess with me. He will not stand up to her and I do not feel he puts me first. I am willing to relocate so he has a relationship with his daughter but he is not doing anything about pushing this divorce. I am pregnant and stressed to the max. This is not what we talked about and planned. I’m mad at him as I feel I may end up raising this baby alone with two other kids in another country because he won’t deal with his situation that he should have dealt with long ago. I know he does not want a war with her nor do I but she is the type that is won’t matter it will be a war. I’m frustrated and so completely broken. There is a lot more too it but that is the overview. Please reply with some advice for this stressed out pregnant mom.
Sherry on October 05, 2018:
Kids and grandkids from his first marriage will always take priority over the second wife... found that out... and I was just the girlfriend.... one marriage was enuf. Love being unattached and uncommitted !
Carmencita1974 on September 27, 2018:
I find when my husband has his children from 1st marriage. He is cold and callous to me and my biokids. Ive addressed it. and he is still extremely cold when his kids come over. What do i do. ? Not to mention ive addressed the non affection issue repeatedly. And it hasnt improved. We have been together for 6 yrs
Mrs. Guerra on September 20, 2018:
No marriage is perfect. Not the first not the second nor the rest after that. You see what I find in my marriage is that my husband and I always I mean always put each other first. He had my son with another woman (never married) and I had a daughter and son with another man (never married) we were both single parents and married. Our children became our children. We all became a family. I am my children’s mother and he is my children’s father. We donot ever mention each other’s ex’s unless it’s about the kids. We do not talk about experiences we have from any previous relationships at all. We leave it to the past. We honor and respect each other. The key is to always no matter who or what put each other first.
I.K on September 14, 2018:
the worst thing that a single woman could do is marry a divorced
man. she deserved better
Sumaiya on August 30, 2018:
Wow I have no words just wow
Charlie Rae on August 27, 2018:
I needed this. thank you so much. and it’s exactly how i feel. i am a second.
I feel as if i am alone most of the time. Especially if his grown kids co
e around. He refuses to talk about their conversation. I do not get it. I too have kids. My kids love him and i share everything with him. Why do t i get the same treatment??? i don’t understand.
I feel like i need to just leave. he is my best friend and i want to share all of me with him. my stories. my life. my all.
but all i get from him is mostly nothing.
He rather communicate with his mom.
Secondfiddle on August 12, 2018:
Have same problem but not with previous children but with the ex-wife. And he doesn't realize I become the second fiddle whenever she's around. He denies it. But actions speak louder than words.
Reality is sometimes hard on July 30, 2018:
I am a second wife, both my husband and I were married before and both have children from a first marriage.. When you meet, fall in love and marry for a second time, you sometimes may expect a nuclear family with a better or “new and improved partner”. You are in love after all and that’s what counts, doesn’t it?
As time goes on you soon realize, that your reality is different than what you imagined it to be. Second marriages are definitely fraught with challenges and not for the faint of heart, they can be painful and evoke jealousy you never really knew existed.
My advice a good dose of common sense goes a long way, and when it gets really tough seek out counselling.
When you feel your husband should not put his kids from his first marriage first ask your self what would you want for your children. Better still dont you want or expect your ex to do the same with his next wife? Or how about thinking about it this way, maybe he loves them differently, not more or less just different, after all he doesn’t sleep with or have intimacy with his children.
When it comes to your children ask yourself do you love your nieces and nephews or a friends kids the way you love your own? Probably not right? So why would he.
Try to imagine they are your children with their stepmother how would you want your own children viewed. Second marriages are all about reality, if you have never had children but he has, reserve your judgement until you do because you can’t imagine how it feels to be a parent or have children until you do. If you choose to have a child together don’t do it to solidify the bond, do it because the bond is good and because you both want more children.
As most parents understand they don’t always love each child the same way but they always love each child so too will your spouse of their future children with you.
A second marriage is all about creating new memories, you need to think of that family as a new and different family structure and dynamic which includes all participants who are each valued for what they bring into the family and it’s NOT comparable to a first marriage and family. It’s different, and everything about it is different.
Perhaps the one good thing is that you get to start a blended family with a clean slate, creating your own paradigm with new traditions that you define yourself, that work for your new family.
Remember the children from previous marriages were there before you, and you need to find a way to build a relationship with them that is unique to you and them. They too might be struggling with the new dynamic and look to you to pave the way.
If you want to be the first and only then don’t marry someone who was married before. If you do marry for a second time, don’t try to change him because that’s who you fell in love with, or did you?
You won’t be a first wife in a nuclear family structure, because that is not your reality, instead stand apart by leading your own unique blended family into creating your own memories.
Something else I found useful is don’t define yourself as just a wife making your family (husband) your entire existence. Find friendships, join something, get out, take up a hobby, get enjoyment from other things and don’t focus all your energy on your family. You are more than that.
It’s a work in progress and it takes lots of time, trial and error to cultivate.
Communicate your thoughts and plans with your partner / spouse too be open and talk about how you feel, chances are they are doing what they always did because that’s what we have all been programmed to do. Dates for birthdays, Xmas, summer vacations, family dinners, can all be planned on other days that work for your family, so just get creative.
It’s never going to be like a first marriage and frankly you don’t really want it to - the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. :)
It Hurts on July 25, 2018:
This article hit something with me. I am officially only a 2nd "wife" because my husband only married one other woman, but he has had children (1 child apiece) with 4 women total, including his first wife. I was barely out of high school when we got together (he is much older), and he was my first relationship. We have been married for 14 years now and have 2 children together. Something else you should know about my husband is that he is bipolar, which has undoubtedly clouded the issues we have even more, because I am not dealing with a sane man who can can feel compassion for any feelings I might have.
Throughout our time together, my husband has talked a lot about his exes, says they all still like him and would be willing to get back together with him. He often gets drunk and expects my sober ear to hear his stories about how he feels so bad for the things he did to these other women and children, how he feels bad for not being there for his other kids and blaming me for all of his misdeeds. Hearing him talk about his exes or other children are has not had a positive effect on my ego. I have always felt like I was not something special, but just another in a long line of his conquests (which is probably quite true--I'm just the one who stuck with it instead of throwing him to the curb). At first I felt jealous because my wife's exes had children with him and I did not. I thought that creating children with someone makes the ultimate bond, and I was secretly sad that my husband had bonded with so many women in this way. It was hard for me to deal with phone calls from his exes, who refused to take me seriously, and just wanted to talk to him. His children figured I was just another woman, and he put fuel on my coals of jealousy by pitting us against each other. He always said that I had no business talking about or doing things for his kids, because they already had mothers. They were HIS, his and his exes, and not mine, so I could not be a parent to them in any way. I was stupid at the time, and thought that he would change his views over time. I thought that having a child with him would make us bond together more, but it didn't. Like this article says, everything with my pregnancy he had seen before. He was the 'expert' and there wasn't the same joy that I feel there would have been if it had been his first child. People in my town scorned me, said that he shouldn't be having any more kids when he wasn't really a father to the ones he had. Instead of congratulations, people told me they were sorry. When I got pregnant the second time, they said I was stupid to allow such a thing to happen. I was ashamed and sad. I had grown up my whole life wanting nothing more than to be a wife and mother. I wanted to have a big family, to give birth to several children. I was a married woman! I did everything I was supposed to do right, except of course the most important part, which was to choose your mate very carefully.
But the onlookers did have one thing right: We couldn't support kids. I was working and had savings--my husband came in with $100,000 child support debt, which we paid off but have been paying high child support every since. The job market was bad, and we both went without work for some time. We are still paying exorbitant child support every month, and my own children sometimes live in fear that we won't be able to buy them food. That I feel beyond horrible for. My kids get the leftovers, and there isn't much. My husband's exes are all on welfare and do not work, but keep having babies. He tells me how rough they have it, and sends money whenever one of them calls. When my kids need new clothes he gets angry and says that I need to get off my butt and get a job, that it is my duty to support them. They mostly wear hand-me-downs from the neighbors. I have been recently retrained and am reentering the job market in a new job, and finally have the prospects of supporting my kids financially, even though we will still have some struggles. I have been on birth control for the past 10 years because I realize that as much as I would love to have another child, I am not in a good marriage and it wouldn't be responsible to have one, especially because I could not support it well financially.
One thing that I think would have made it easier is if I had had past relationships with children also. Maybe if my husband had to deal with me having friendships with exes, or men calling for me all the time, then it would have been easier for me to deal with it on his part. But one person having to accept it all is really unfair.
Now that I look back, there could have been a whole lot of things in our relationship that went differently, and I appreciate those who wind up with a happy ending. I initially thought it would turn out differently for me, but it didn't. I'm still in it, but I'm pretty sure I can't feel any more regret or heartache than I already do. If I had the courage I would get out of this marriage and live alone, because I don't want to cause anyone else the type of pain I have felt. I also feel sorry for my children, who have always been made to feel inferior themselves through their father's words and actions toward me and them. They hate the way their dad treats me, and feel resentful of their older half-siblings also. They feel like even though they are growing up in a house with their father, he is somewhere else emotionally, reliving or feeling bad for the past, and never appreciating what is in front of his face right now. Pretty soon our kids will be grown and it will be too late.
This whole deal is a rough road, and one thing I think a prospective second wife needs to consider is the attitude of your second husband. Is he willing to listen to your fears, can he acknowledge and understand your feelings of jealousy? What will he try to do to alleviate them? Will he be there for you to talk to, and will he support you as his partner? It really would have helped if my husband had done this. If he had assured me that no matter what had happened in the past, I was the one he wanted to spend his life with, it would have helped. When you are a second spouse you might feel like you could be replaced, and I know I could have used some reassurance that this would not happen. Mentally sound, caring partners can make it work, but the person with the past really has to be understanding and shoulder some of the burden, because it IS going to cause your new spouse pain. Your past is always going to be there, and it is going to be hard on your new spouse. Be aware of that, and please, please be kind.
Truth Is on July 25, 2018:
Then there are many of us good single men today that never were married once since we never met a normal woman at all to begin with.
Gabby on July 23, 2018:
There are a lot of unresolved issues here. I observed that sometimes women want most of their man's attention for themselves and their own children they had in a previous marriage. This is not realistic.
When you are contemplating marriage look at the whole picture, not only the maarriage proposal. Reality has a way to show up fast.
Jan Gray on July 16, 2018:
I have been in a second marriage for 35 years and with all the hurt and pain I am now feeling, I wish I had never met him, but that would have erased all the good times we had. My husband has Parkinson's and Dementia now and about 1 1/2 months ago I was forced to admit him in a nursing home as he was falling at hone and I was having to call the paramedics to help hime up. Ohhh, the 1/2 sister and eldest son acted sooo supportive and helpful and then I was informed that they had managed to get him to sign a POA in my absence. that gave the stepson ultimate power. Now I find myself in the position of having no accessibility to my husband of 35 years. He has blocked me from getting any information or even knowing where he is. It feels like they have snatched him from me and such-cessfully made it impossible to check on him or see him. Does anyone have any suggestions
YvonneCakes on July 05, 2018:
I am a second wife and am constantly feeling second best (if that). I have a stellar relationship with my husband’s ex wife because they share a child. I have always tried to be respectful of the relationship between my stepson and his father and have always tried to navigate my place in this modern family with my family’s (my husband and stepson’s) best interest in mind.
My husband suffers from major guilty father syndrome and is seemingly afraid of his ex. This is what fuels our issues. If my husband’s ex asks him for a favor or tells him to do something, he is chooses to do what she asks even if I ask him not to for whatever reasons. I am not petty, but I am cognizant that she takes advantage of our kindness at times. I do not like this. I bring this concern up to my husband who then gets upset with me because he feels I am trying to mess with his relationship with his son. I just feel that when she asks him for something that I am not comfortable with, I should be able to tell him how I feel and he should respect my sentiments because I am his wife. Instead, he gets upset with me because he doesn’t want to have any problems with her and in his opinion I am causing those issues if I don’t just let him do what she wants. Because he is unable to tell her no but is so readily able to shoot me down, I naturally feel like I will never match up to his first wife. It’s a truly awful and isolating feeling.
Hopeless on June 26, 2018:
Hi, thank you for your post.. I’m in a serious relationship with a man who has been separated for 2 years total now, and he has 2 kids with his ex.. his ex filled for the divorce but drew it out for a year. They married young in their 18,19’s.. she has a domestic violence restraining order on him and 40% of custody. She knows how to manipulate and control.. it’s frustrating..
I’ve never been married and never had a child. I’ve been through too many duds of a relationship and I finally found a gem.. however, he has a lot of baggage as I’ve described..also..
Angie Millena on June 05, 2018:
Good day ma'am I am married last 2012 and got separated at 2015 now i have a live in partner and my boyfriend and i is living as as a live in partner but my boyfriend had already married when he was 19 yrs old and remarry at his 20's without even under go through divorce and also his second wife and his was already separated for 6 years now and now his second wife is bullying me about she wants to charge us as illegal is there any chance for us to get married or is his second wife has all the power to accuse me or not please I need your answers and advice thank you very much
Husband of 2nd Wife on May 24, 2018:
I hear these complaints in arguments with my second wife. I have a daughter from my first marriage and have joint custody. She wasn't ready for having to see my ex so frequently or having our schedule sometimes dictated by my ex-wife. I try to reassure her that my love and loyalty are to her but she often feels like a 3rd wheel when my daughter is with me.
I thought that having a child from a previous marriage would be a "bonus" when getting remarried to a woman with no children/ex. I thought we could share the parenthood of my daughter and she could grow to love my daughter like she was her own. I couldn't have been more wrong. Instead, my wife sees my daughter only as a constant reminder that she wasn't first and that she doesn't have children of her own. This puts a huge strain on our relationship, especially because we so far have been unsuccessful at having a child of our own. I don't know what will happen if we can't have a kid together. I'm afraid my wife will hate my daughter more and more and eventually resent me for having her at all.
I don't know what to do.
Doulat Hirani on April 25, 2018:
Patty on March 26, 2018:
This is a question that relates more to etiquette. My father inlaw passed away and the family included family portraits of my husband and his ex wife. I wasn't necessarily upset that they included a picture bit that they used that one in particular. My husband and I have been legally married for 16 years but have been together for 18.5 years. We have 3 children together and lost one child. We have been married longer then he was in his first marriage (They weren't even legally married). I felt very hurt and disrespected. My picture was included but I looked like friend of the family not his wife. Also my husband said that she was terrible to him and he wanted out. I'm confused as to why his family would do that.
Helen on March 11, 2018:
I met a guy at work and he wouldnt leave me alone and pursued me on new years eve at work he asked what i was doing and i told him i was going to a party and he asked he could come not thinking much of it i said yes but ended up sleeping with him so we started a relationship. He wasnt great looking. In April he (Peter) asked me to marry but i wasnt sure as he was drunk when he asked me and then asked me again two more times so i agreed. In Aug 1987 we went to his friends party and I mentioned we were getting married and his friends didnt know. Peter came up to me during the party and raised his voice and told me off that i shouldnt have told his friends that we were getting married and it was up to him. He had two children and he saw them every Sunday. I met them one day but the youngest stared with hate in her eyes. I decided i wouldnt go with him and to give him the hint i wasnt interested in caring for his children. He asked me to move in together in June. i had gone home and saved up to pay for the bond and first months rent we had found a place in Sept not too far from work it was a 1 bedroom house behind a shop. He said he wanted two bedroom so his kids could stay but i said we could set up beds in the living room. We signed a lease and I paid for the bond and rent in Sept. Then he never came to work for two weeks and didnt contact me. He eventually contacted me in Oct 87 and said his parents and his exs parents got together and intervened to get the kids taken off his ex so he was getting custody for them. I wasnt sure if i wanted this as i only just turned 23 and i was very shy and not very confident. I was going to see my best friend that night to discuss it with her as to how i could get out of this, but he got one of his female friends from work to convince me to move in with him. She said if you dont move in now the kids wont accept you. I unwillingly agreed. Hid parents said i was a god send. Peter had alreafy madr plans that they ho to childcare and after school care and that i had to cancel the rental agreement. Consequently i lost the months rent and bond money and his mother said at least it wasnt much money you lost. Only two weeks wages! Decisions about his kids had already been made without any consultation with me. He told me he couldnt expect his parents to help look after them as they were retired but he wanted a nearly total stranger to help him look after his kids. I was livid. I was then introduced to a social worker who said he would come fortnightly to check on the kids as they were on a supervision order. Thr Social Worker said also that i was not allowed to have children for 5 years until the children settled in to their new home. I couldnt believe what had been said!! Peter never discussed anything with me he just expected i would do what ever he asked. Being unconfident i did. Peter also had a huge appetite for sex and demanded it 2-3 times per day. If we went out he flirted with other women. One day after work i got to the pub after 6 and one of the girls from work was sitting on his knees with his hand between her legs up her skirt. I walked out and thought great this is the best excuse to leave but he coddodled me from leaving. When he got his kids he told me that "you've had your life, i want the best for my children". I wad only 23. His ex read Hansel and Gretal to them and called me the wicked step mother. The youngest would constantly try push my buttons. She threw tantrams regulatly. She wouldnt do as she was told. I discplined her and would give her a smacked and tell her to go to her room but she wouldnt. I was getting increasingly upset. Peter never discplined two daughters if they threw a tantrum he would give into them and get them what ever they wanted. I told Peter several times i didnt want to marry him but he cried and then got the kids to cry so i would give in ( i realise now thay wad emotional blackmail). I tried to leave but he barracaded the front door. I was getting very upset and i had frequent outbursts telling him i didnt want to marry him. A month before the wedding i was sick everyday from nerves and lost heaps of weight and went down to 48 kgs. Peter didnt even ask if i was okay. Before we married his mother wanted me to convert to catholism and take the kids on the honeymoon. I said No to both. We got married and moved into a bigger rented house. His two daughters started pooing in the front yard and back yard. I washing the car when i smelt this unpleasant smell. I couldnt cope with all of this. I eventually left without telling him over the Melbourne Cup weekend. I was relieved! Then he said I had abused his children. I had not but had tried to discipline them.
Over the next ten years he tried to get back with me but i didnt want to. I went out to see a band one night and bumped into a guy Brian he knew. I slept with him and a couple of days later Peter rang me up and told me to stay away from his friends and this was 7 years after we had broken up. Peter really thought once i married him i was his possession but i wasnt. Men play extreme manipulative games if it doesnt go there way. They are very vindictive.
What to do on March 08, 2018:
I am so glad to have come across this article. Currently dating a man that has been married and divorced twice. Three kids from the first marriage. Recently we have been discussing marriage. Sometimes I feel like this will not be special for him. In the beginning he bought up both of them up a lot, which was very draining. We've finally gotten to a point where he is beyond that. I have never been married before and would like this to be special. I have a lot of decisions to make. It was nice just knowing that I am alone.
someone on February 18, 2018:
I met my husband when he was separated. I got pregnant just after two months dating to him. He made his choice by filled for divorce and we got married just before our first son was born. Together with my son, we moved to Australia where he lives. It has been nearly 5 years since we met and since his divorce. Our second son was born last Jan. Just recently my husband admitted that he felt so guilty towards to his two older kids even though it was his exwife who wanted the separation first. He gets to see his kids 4 nights 5 days during school month. He sees them about one week during school holidays. He believes that his kids felt they were abandoned by him because he remarried and had two more sons. I have tried my best to cheer him up but I have realized that I cannot take his grumpy mood any longer. I felt so unfair and I felt his heart was never with us when he isn't with his kids. I felt so resentful and angry. I wish i was never involved with him.
Am Candy on February 17, 2018:
I am a second wife married a man who divorced his wife and he was left with a child who I take care of. I have no a child of my own but I usually feel it's the worst decision I have ever made. I hate it I am struggling with bitterness.i hate it with all me.
Nobody on February 04, 2018:
I felt the same way too. I felt like i’m the third wheel. I don’t even know the whole truth of my husband’s first marriage. He never told me. He never want to talk about it. He gets angry whenever i ask. I knew he has a son only after 5 years of our relationship but he told me he was never married to his son’s mom. However i learned he was divorced to his son’s mother only on the day we received our documents for marriage. I was really so blind. I married him anyway. I thought everything will be ok and he will tell me all but even after marriage he never speaks about it. After marriage I learned that he and his wife still battle over their son and compete with each other’s lives. I felt drained and really felt foolish and wishing i have known sooner. I even felt i have to compete with his son too. My life now seemed to be on a pause because every decision we have to make is centered on his son.
Just a girl on February 03, 2018:
I’m sorry you had such difficulty. I think our culture tells us this is all OK; if you’re unhappy you should divorce and try again and bliss is out there waiting for you somewhere. People are monogamous for a reason— we are not merely animals and coupling with someone has profound effects that ripple out.
I read this as a daughter, whose dad remarried over 25 years ago to a third wife, and he took her children in as his own. I have only seen him every few years in my life, and I don’t know about my sister; she lived with him for awhile so I think he kept in closer contact with her. It’s all well and good that he was so kind to his wife’s children, many who were grown when they got married, but it hurts to feel like he’s just some kind of somewhat friendly distant relative, not really a father. When I had my first child, it was not special to him because he already had so many grandchildren. They do keep in touch, and sometimes I think it’s his wife who makes sure he sends Christmas cards.
I’m a middle aged woman with several children, but I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing my father and what “could have been” or wonder if he left because he didn’t want me, but then he turned around and got a new family that he liked better.
beverly on January 28, 2018:
this man I meant next door was a widower , told me he loved me , and had 3 kids, told me after sex , while in sex, we are becoming one spiritual , and the love for me is way greater than his kids , even though he loves them. well his daughter I seen comes above me , his girlfriend he said he loves, always, and sticks up for her . she cannot do nothing wrong and caused a fight , hard feelings. how do I deal with this ? would I ever be even or be put first , no matter how much love I give him or show ever or not . wonder and sick of it
ALLISON on January 16, 2018:
I'M MY HUSBAND SECOND WIFE. HE REALLY LOVE HER DAUGHTER AND HIS FIRST WIFE FILE IN THE COURT TO REFUSE THE OVERNIGHT VISITATION. BESIDES SHE DOESN'T WANT HER DAUGHTER TO MEET ME. THE COURT SIDED HER AND PUT THIS ORDER. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I DON'T HOW LONG IT WILL TAKES THIS SITUATION.
GIVE SOME ADVISE BECAUSE I'M SO STRESS AND REALLY SAD THAT I WAS THINKING TO GO AWAY FROM THEM AND BE ALONE EVEN THOUGH I LOVE MY HUSBAND.
email@example.com on December 18, 2017:
Thank you for this post...actually my situation is im seriously inlove with a guy he has a past relationship and one son.i dont know what to do or to feel but i expected a lot of pain because of his history that i will never be his first anymore and in fact he send money to support his child but i really dont know what is going on between his ex and him ...dont know if it leads me to be a mistress or a wife...im 100% single and has a good reputation never been in a relationship like seriously planning for the future just like what he told me because he always let me know he love me, he really cared for me and has a good plan for the future that he dreamed for a very long time but unfortunately didnt work with his ex.while trying to make him feel we can do it no matter what and we can do it until lifetime.i can be his best girl ever something like that..i was really bothered if i deserve this kind of relationship because im so blinded with my love to him..we met online last july 2017 and planning to meet this coming march 2018..i feel so horrible what could be my decision ..or where my feelings take me..am i just putting myself into danger?..oh God this post help me so much..i think he make me feel miserable someday..
Jenn on December 02, 2017:
I have been married to my husband for four years. His first wife is still alive, but his second passed away. He has two adult children, one with three children. The children always wants him to meet at her house for my husband to see his grandchildren. He does not want me to know where he is only that he will be back afterwhile. I feel so left out of this situation, as from time to time, he will invite his 1st wife to have dinner with him. He says he loves me, but, I feel lonely and not enough for him. His 1st wife cheated on him, and caused him much pain, although he has forgiven her, his son does not bring the children around to see him at his own house. My husband thinks that I make to much of this and feels like I'm trying to tell him what to do or get invloved in something that is not happening. I just feel like he only tells me what he wants me to know. I feel some kinda why, because I have found texts of him asking her to dinner. I just don't think that this is right and ex is just that EX. I feel that he should make some concessions in the grandchildren coming to our home, however, I've addressed this, and he says I'm jealous and if I continue this behavior he will leave.
Primpo from Howell, New Jersey on November 29, 2017:
cookie, there is nothing anyone can do to help you. If he is using you for papers which it sounds like from your description, you need to get away and make a life for you and the baby. Immigration is very touchy right now, you have more power than you know. no one can tell you what to do, but no man is worth it.
cookie on November 27, 2017:
my husband and i are married with a baby. but he always put his ex first and there kids. he gets angry every time i ask him for all of us to meet. saying i am causing problemas in our marriage and he doesn't think we will last another year if i continue with the situation. all i ask is for us to meet and he said his not gone hurt his kids because they don't want to meet us. he has been lieing to me and takes his ex where ever she needs or the kids. i have a feeling his using me to get papers which we are in process and moving fast with his pressure. that he still has feeling for his ex and is cheating on me with her. i don't know what to do. i be home alone with my baby and he get home late. please help me.
Meg on November 26, 2017:
I am the 2nd wife of a man whos first wife died 5 yrs ago. Slowly he has let go of the trash and old furnishing not broken down appliances. His first wife was a drunk who threw things kicked in doors and in rages would pry up basteboard and pull toilet paper holders out of the wall she got cancer and stayed a rage getting children to buy booze eventually she passed. I met husband 2 yrs later. His children all adults entiteled given everything from college rent cars phones etc. He has stopped all that as they are all broaching 30. They r not on board about me swear all the time in texts one even wrote a pronographic story online. At one of their weddings husband was asked to walk down the isle w dead wifes pick arm in arm w her sister and asked to sit next to or holding deceased mothers picture when my new husband said no the son snapped threatening swearing pointing his finger at me. We knew nothing of plans until that moment.
We were asked to sit in 3rd row were not in any pictures nor was father w son. The whole wedding was a drunken wake cannonizing dead mother. I said nothing husband paid for a party b4 wedding never introduced or thanked it was thousands of dollars.
I have never been around drunken filthy swearing just hours b4 a wedding and a finger pointed at me. I almost fainted.
My husband was on board about moving from the house he had w her and all of them until I injured knee. Now that I have recovered the cleaning and distruction is overwhelming professionals tell him that nothing has been replaced for 25 yrs. I got tired of the discord re it and commited to pay for it myself. I married him because I love him I knew about his drunk wife and the iratic behavior of his children but I keep hoping he will sell the house like he said b4 my injury a new place just ours no memories of drunk rages. But it doesnt look like that w happen. I am scared to death of his children who so esily snap if they dont get what they want. My drs know my family knows my co workers know my husband seems to blow it off like thats normal. I was sick after wedding . its a good thing a video of son snapping hasnt been put out there online. It reminds me of Criminal minds show..everyone just seems to accept it. Anyway he constantly refers to his furst wife especially if I am injured sick w ashma from cleaning. Its like he cant see who hes talking to.
Dee on November 20, 2017:
After a 1 and 1/2 yrs.; I finally asked him to please quit calling his previous wife his "wife" while he is married to me. It was the most painful thing I ever asked a human being to do.
Becky on October 21, 2017:
I have been going through the same. I have put my partners children equal to mine but he can't do the same to my children or myself. Wish my knight and shinning armor would show up. Feel used. Maybe it's time to just give up. I want my family "children"to be treated equally as I treat his. I want to come before his ex.
Truth Is on October 20, 2017:
Even for many of us men that had been married once before after having our Ex wives cheated on us was very devastating. And many of us were the real faithful ones from the very beginning to the very end too. Now it is very difficult for many of us trying to find love all over again since most of the women just like to party and get wasted, and most of the women are just sleeping around with different men all the time instead of committing themselves to just only one man. This is why finding love very impossible for many of us men now because of this.
Dana on October 19, 2017:
Thanks for this post.
I share so many of these feelings. A lot of resentment, especially towards my husband's ex, who harasses us a lot, calls me names, refuses to work and as a reward for all this - she gets the lion's share of my husband's income, at least for a while. I work really hard and I feel like I get stuck paying all our bills and the mortgage on my own, and then I pay even more - like trips for the kids etc.
I love my husband so much, but sometimes I worry that I've made a terrible mistake. I have given up so much and everything is so stressful and he doesn't seem to understand that or how hard this is for me. I often feel lonely and frustrated. I also feel angry that he is not more appreciative of what he's put me through.
Now we are trying to have a baby - and just as you say - to him this is not such a priority, whereas it means the world to me. Many years ago, he thought about leaving his first marriage but stayed with his ex wife so he could have kids. He wanted children that badly. Now he is having a baby with me - not because he wants more, but because he wants me in his life, and I want a baby (I know that when the time comes, he'll love our baby too) but sometimes I wish we could have done it the right way together!
We love each other like crazy, but it does come with a price. Every day has its rewards and frustrations. Love is never perfect. Even with my step son and step daughter - there are moments of love and feeling like a family and moments of feeling left out too - especially when their mother is so negative towards me- or frustrations about parenting and paying for someone else's kids.
I think my husband and I have had to work a lot harder than most couples to keep our marriage on track. There are days where it's too much for me - and when those come, I remind myself to give love to myself first.
The truth is, the only person who can ever really love you the way you need to be loved - is you. Pursue your passions, better health, welfare, a satisfying career, friendships etc. Look after yourself so all the love that you get from him is a bonus.
I know that's easier said than done because everyday I struggle with it. But if you love yourself, you will be able to see if truly you do feel unloved or cheated in your relationship - in which case, it might be time to leave.
Sometimes, I look at my husband's first wife... now there is a bitter, angry, half-gone person - and mostly, I think it's because she didn't/doesn't look out for herself. She expected (and still expects) my husband to take care of her, to make her happy, etc. which is part of the reason why he ended up resenting her so much during their marriage. Her entire emotional state, wellbeing and even lack of career is all based on him. No matter what mistakes in their relationship (and my husband did make many when he was with her), she made that choice to depend on him. No wonder she's bitter.
So, I remind myself that whatever comes, that will not be me. I can take pride in looking after myself, providing for myself and my children and, God forbid, if the day ever comes when I feel like my husband takes me and/or our children for granted, maybe I will have to leave him. But if I keep my independence, remind myself that it's not his job to make me happy or to buy my clothing, I feel better.
Philip on September 30, 2017:
This is a great piece; however the writer is biased......like most. Men are equally positioned on the same front. No infedelity, pays the bills, cooks dinners, cleans house , even urinates squatted because no one should have to clean another's excramates. As she wrote. Mother in laws didnt show up during birth as they had before....its not a male or female thing...its a human thing. I witness the same problem with my fiance, who's ex (divorced mind u) shortly before, killed himself thru alcohol abuse. 3 years later, she still puts ex's family before me for benefit of child. Mind u, I was her shoulder to cry on, the sounding board and male role model to her son since his dad's passing and person to bring the home he left in shambles out of disrepair, while maintaining a relationship with my own son who goes without a male role model daily (sep story). Yet she puts that family who told her she had no role in the funeral proceedings and who blamed him for his failures and turned around and asked(which she subsequently did) to pay for the funeral expenses--- ahead of me. I've had more of an impact on the boy in 2 years than they've had in the last 12. Yet still they come first. I cancelled our marriage and moving back to one of my homes that are rented...in Hawaii.
Quuin J on September 24, 2017:
Thanks for your words, it described exactly how i feel .. I am 2nd wife of my husband too . he got 3 kids from his first marriage. 2 moved out as they are all over 18yrs. 1 little boy who was 8 when my married his dad. It 's been nearly 3 years for my marriage, i always feel lonely. we never have any children together, i always want to have kids but my husband does not seem to have any interested in having any baby anymore, in fact he does not seem to have any interested on anything which i 've learned that he had all that experience with his first marriage ..This is my first on anything. My first marriage..my husband is 47. i am 30 yrs, an accountant who learning everyday . learning to be a good step mum for his now 11 yrs son that stays with us, learning everything , but no matter what i do, it will never enough. Being a step mum would never be the easy thing. if i make them happy, that should be seen like i just do my job. and if they got upseting somehow for any reason, that would be your wrong for being a step mum. i am only have 3 nights per month alone with my husband . if we go travel cause of business without the son, we will not allow to talk about what happened there in front of him cause he will become very sensitive , and before we go , we have to spend about 3 weekends to make it up for him. My husband forget all the special days between us, he never wants to go out for dinner unless i pushed him to do that, but only for special day. 2 older kids of him, they dont hate me, but dont really like me neither . they come to see him sometimes when they need advises, most of that is about money. his ex come to meet the little boy every school holiday and spend a week their son which realy hard for me cause he will come back with non stop conversation comparing about how great his mum is , with life living here..even thought the fact is my husband did not ask for any child supports from her for their 3 kids as she just left them when they was 16, 13 and 2 yrs of age. the worse part is when they have family reunion , i feel like i am not a part of them, i always feel like i been left behind and my husband is too busy for all the conversation with his family.. if i dont come , people in his family will questioning about that. if i come, i will not sleep all that night when i came back from that party..
everytime talking about our future plan , for investing something , my husband alway say it is too risky
I made decision when agreed to get marriage to this man cause i am deeply in love with him no matter what all my family have warning me how hard the future can be.. all my friends got upset cause of my marriage and now when i have to face with this.. i feel lonely cause i could not say or tell anyone , cause this is my choice.. i am very tired, lonely and hopeless , cant complain anything cause what ever i say it will just make me become a ugly , impatient wife/ step mum . My husband is in the middle of everything. if i told him what i feel, it will just make him feel guilty about the way thing happened. i could not ask him to spend more time with me while his kids need him too . So i am here, keep everything inside. no wonder when will it blow up
Amber on September 21, 2017:
I identify with everything. I just had a spat with my second husband over this. Only I a very vocal and he tries to equate everything I do with what he does wrong in our marriage. I can't stand it. I'm really starting to wonder why I though this was a great idea. We've been married for 6 years and still nothing has changed. I sympathize with all of you. I do love him but is love worth it when you are second. Me thinks not. I feel like apologizing to my ex husband for every fault I couldn't accept. The grass is not greener where I stand. If I had to do it over again, I would have just left and been alone. I honestly wouldn't have been able to stay with my 1st husband because of our issues but had I known better I wouldn't have married again. I just feel completely empty and unable to give of myself anymore.
Cdaniels2017 on September 09, 2017:
Thanks for sharing. I feel a lot of what you shared in your post. I'd like to know how you get past most of this is order to be in a good place with your marriage. No matter what I try, I still feel resentment and it always ends up in an argument and I can't tell him why I'm angry because I don't want to look like the petty evil wife .
Cdaniels on September 09, 2017:
Thanks for sharing. I feel a lot of what you shared in your post. I'd like to know how you get past most of this is order to be in a good place with your marriage. No matter what I try, I still feel resentment and it always ends up in an argument and I can't tell him why I'm angry because I don't want to look like the petty evil wife .
Amelia Ethan on September 03, 2017:
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Rett Syndrome, Seizure Disorder, skin infection, Mental Illness,Obesity, Cystic Fibrosis,infertility and also how he has restore broken marriages from different couples. after reading the entire page i was convince enough and decided to contact him through his personal email address, i discuss everything about my lungs cancer with him and he assure me that God will definitely perform his healing power on me, after-which he send some parcel to me and direction for use, i applied his parcel as instructed and today i am totally healed from this deadly lungs cancer, i really want to appreciate his good work upon my life, and also for restoring my cousin 8 years broken marriage. and to my to my beautiful friends out there having difficult time reaching him due to the distance you can still send him an Email via: LaAfaLord@dr.com or you may call him for directives via +18635468189 with him all your marital problem , disease will be solve for a better life. i will advise we all share this message to those around us, you could just save a soul.
Stay bless my friends.
3rd time - not a Charm on August 28, 2017:
I met my highschool sweetheart in my late 30s. He had two sons from Two different previous Marriages. I had two sons of my own from a previous relationship. As much I Truly Dearly Love my Husband with ALL my
Ghadia Ibrahim from Egypt on August 17, 2017:
Being 2nd is hell.. ......all I can say but truly love my husband
Melissa sugar gold on August 16, 2017:
My story is a little different. My ex-husband's second wife is making my life a living hell. My ex has been recently died of cancer in May 2017. The new wife has refused to move out of the home that the mortgage is in my name. Although the title is in her name and she's making the payment I would like Her to move out and give back my home to me and my children. My husband left my children money that the new wife stole. So I would like the house back so at least we can sell it and have money to live off of now that my ex-husband is dead and I have to support my children on my own
Cristina k on August 13, 2017:
Thank you for this article for a long time I thought I was alone in my feelings and reading this confirmed that I'm not alone in this. I felt guilty and thought that perhaps I was selfish in feeling this. Thanks again for the read.
Alwaysbefirst on August 11, 2017:
Hello Irritated Fiance,
PLEASE LEAVE the man who are about to marry. Go find a man WITHOUT a child. I got married to a widower with a grown-up child. Despite pleading with him for having a child of my own, he did not agree. Why? Because he did not want "another" child. Although he says he loves me, I feel like a 'second' wife, and second best. He did not want "another" child for financial reasons, he wants his son to inherit his property. That was his 'real' family, I am his consolation in his old age. There's much more. It's an emotional challenge to be a stepmom without being a mother to your own child. It's probably a challenge beinga step-mom anyways, even with your own child. Its a challenge to listen to wonderful things about his first wife being a great mother to his only child, his friends & relatives talking about his first wife, etc. Had I known what I would be in for, I would NEVER have married this man, however loving he might be or claim to be. The truth is his kid or kids will always be his first prioroty. So, PLEASE GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP AS FAST AS YOU CAN. This is my most sincere advise, however difficult it might be. You will get over him, believe me. There are lots of available men in the world. You deserve someone who will be doing a "first" - first marriage, first child, first honeymoon, first home, etc. DO NOT SETTLE FOR BEING A SECOND WIFE . YOU WILL REGRET IT DEEPLY!
Sarah on July 19, 2017:
I'm not a wife. Im a product from a first marriage. Everyone is bringing up some excellent points about being 1st 2nd and 3rd wife and my heart goes out to you it really does but in some cases it's not good for the first wife or the child/ten of the first wife. Im my dads case he cheated on my mum. Thankfully he's not with the so called lady he cheated on mum with. My dad remarried. Although I don't dislike my s mum I do resent her in a lot of ways. As she is reaping the benefits of my parents hard work. Trips away etc. My parents started a business together 30something years ago and it's helping them keep them a comfy lifestyle. My mum on the other hand is not reaping any benefits of her hard work and is struggling on the pension. And it breaks my heart.I don't come first to my dad my s mum does and although it can be argued thats how it's supposed to be but it doesn't have to be so obvious. I went to s mums party and some people didn't even know I was my dads daughter. It's so hard. I have had relatives say how good s mum is for my dad and I had to tell them so was my mum and reminded them of the things my mum did for them without batting an eye lid. It's hard to hear relatives gush over your s parent when it was my mum that was wronged. They never ring her to see how she is. All in all children and 1st wives can also feel they are forgotten about.
Al on July 16, 2017:
I've been in my second marriage for 5 years. We haven't been able to have kids. I have 2 daughters from my first marriage which I haven't seen for 3 years and 4 months. The reason being I was trying to for them to say sorry to my new wife for calling her a bitch. During this time my eldest has had 2 kids 1 of which I haven't met. My wife won't let me see them because they haven't said sorry yet. The issues are: when we visited my eldest she took advantage of the time we played with my grand daughter and didn't give my wife a glass of water. She misplaced a small gift my wife gave her when she was 18 and didn't know exactly where it was. She swore at me when she was 19. She invited herself to lunch with me and my wife. She left a note on the door when we dropped off my youngest at her home to tell us she was at my ex's. To me it was all trivial and kids stuff. I told me daughter I couldn't deal with these issues as my wife just got mad at me for thinking it was trivial and that she sould sort it out with her. They then exchanged horrible emails and things got very bad. My wife said she was an accident and when my youngest heard it she called her a bitch. I tried for more than three years to get them both to say sorry. I didn't see them, didn't buy them gifts, when they wanted to see me I said not unless the apologized to my wife. They just were wanting to see me. My wife wouldn't let me and threatened divorce. We had a fight one day and I lost my temper because I couldn't explain myself as she just wouldn't let me speak She just kept repeating the same thing over and over. They want us to break up the hate me they won't be happy until we divorce! I slapped her. I then had anger management counseling and it hasn't happened since . about 2 months ago my daughter had a miscarriage. I just decided to go and see her. Now my wife has asked for divorce.
mrs third on July 12, 2017:
I am third wife of my husband, i never thought about the consequences of marrying with a married man. when i married i was thinking i am the second wife, but after wedding i know that i am third in the que. He divorced his first wife with fully grown children. he is always praising his ex first wife. he is very grateful ful that his ex take care his children. i was 15 years younger that my husband. my husband already enjoyed his sex life with his ex wives. he just need a nurse to take care in his old so i am that nurse. he dont like to shopping giving me gift becos all is wastage of maoney. i want me to be fit always becos i am the one who take care of him. like a horse. fit for him when ever he had sex with me. he said he is doing only becos u never enjoy sex before otherwise he dont need it. sometimes he was complaing that due to my fault we had sex and he was feeling weakness. the truth is i never ask him for sex. he dont like to spend money on me but he like s that my body face should be clean and soft with going to saloon. oooooooooopppps i am his third horse
Vanessa on June 25, 2017:
My husband introduced me and my son today to his old friends (as the new family) and I felt bad
ChicAndGlam on June 19, 2017:
Wow, you have no idea how much I've identified with pretty much EVERYTHING you've written in your post. I've been also reading comments and I can't believe how many people have experienced or are experiencing exactly what I am facing right now in my second marriage with a husband who has a child from his first marriage. We have a 9 month old together, but he still favors his daughter and cannot seem to cut communication with his ex. It's like yes, they're divorced legally, but emotionally they have't gotten divorced. I have regretted this marriage so many times and that anger, bitterness and resentment is starting to build up. I haven't found the courage/strength to leave him, but I want to so bad! However, I don't have a job nor any family or friends that live here in this state (TX). I moved halfway to the country to live in the state where his ex and daughter live only so that he could treat me as second best if that! I want to find the strength and courage to leave him and start my life all over without him. I am emotionally destroyed and it isn't fair for my beautiful baby boy who needs his mommy whole and well. Reading this articles and all the comments has helped in giving me a sense of not feeling alone in how I feel pertaining to my circumstance. If only there were an easier way out of this...
Mandy on May 30, 2017:
I'm third wife for my husband. My life is so miserable but I don't know what should I do ,my husband first wife have son 38 years old and his second marriage have daughter 24 years old and we have our son together 17 years old .my husband always listen his side all his sisters and his daughter ,he never pay attention for my son and me ,I feel I can give him divorce but someone say to me don't do it,then I ask why they said my son need his dad but his dad never give him anything not even good conversation .he just put her daughter in front ,I feel like me and my son only for him like spares part he can use us when he need ,please give me advise what should I do. Thanks
Ginabelle on April 15, 2017:
I'm going to comment from a different position I am the ex wife. Me and my husband have been divorced 14 years. We have been friendly for the sake of meeting our children's needs amicably. Plus my ex husband has always been a part of our family. My parents loved him because he was their grandchildren''s father. They have helped in in times of financial need and so on. It was good until he remarried. Then his new wife says her foot down and won't allow him to be friendly any longer . He has allowed himseld to be isolated from his children and he has now rejected any relationship with even my parents. Again they were financially supporting him for all these years. My husband always treated him more like my sibling than my ex. It is sad to see the trouble he is headed for but there's is nothing that can be done. I'm just saying not all ex wives are badoing. Usually the problems generates from how the man handles his home business.
Frennz on March 28, 2017:
Hello! I am a second wife also. My husband had his lived in partner before but she died. But my husband is not married with her.
I have a question:
What if my husband still keeps the picture of her first wife and his exes even though we are already married for 1 year. Do I have the right to question him why he is still keeping the pictures of his past wife? if his reason is for his daughter to know her mother, why does he keeps on viewing their photos together before?
Mifune on March 20, 2017:
Reading this has flooded me with emotions as I consider my own situation.
I am not yet second wife but me and my current partner have discussed our love and committing to marriage. Part of me wants this as I love him very much and even feel love and care for his 2 children (9 and 7) whom we get every other weekend and random weeks/holidays etc.
My dilemma comes more in dealing with his ex wife, whom he is only just officially divorcing now despite being separated for almost 5 years now after he caught her cheating on him for the 3rd time and he no longer wanted to bother with their relationship. About a year ago she had a new baby with the last man she had an affair with and they currently have plans to marry once the divorce is finalized. While im glad this is coming to an official end and i can suck it up she is pushing for more money in the child support even it it will hurt him financially im concerned if I will ever feel happy or secure while his ex is in the picture. She was big on personal pornography which my partner still had saved on his computer and a back up disk until i found it and he destroyed it. Some of it was taken after their separation while she was in another relationship (although one while he has been with me) and she has already proven she has no respect for her own or others relationships/ /// This destroyed some trust and was a blow to my self esteem that he would keep this into our relationship and I struggle letting it go. I also hate her constant texting and calling him... to his merit he usually ignores her but I cant help but wonder of that's for my benefit when im around. Usually over stupid things and he just tells me he thinks she has no life. He chooses to ignore it rather then say anything or he hands me the phone and tells me to text her whatever...
My other concern is while i didn't think not having my own child would be a big deal I now find myself crying over the fact that he has had 2 children with someone else of such poor character and me and him shall most likely never have any... Im 38 and never been pregnant. He says it doesn't matter he loves me and we should focus on our present and life together and let the past lie... (plus we are animal lovers with a dog and cat lol) but its tough when hes the one bringing the pats into our lives via 2 innocent children and their obnoxious excuse of a mother.
Uggh I love him I feel ill end up agreeing to the marriage as he in large makes me feel very loved and happy (we do have some bad days) and making the best just wish i could get past the sad days and feel more positive about it all... helps to read others stories to help put my own life into some perspective.
Fruma on March 18, 2017:
Oh how sad. I'm a 3rd wife married to the man of my dreams for more than a decade. I worked hard (really, really dmn hard) the first years so that the children from his 1st 2 marriages always felt welcome. I love them dearly, and they reciprocate. My top 3 for managing through it all were never, ever to disparage the prior wives (especially in front of the children). Have fun together with and without all the kids. And, finally, be there for him. Emotionally, physically and spiritually.
My husband will move heaven and earth to spend time with me, and we go on weekly dates so that we have "us" time.
It's possible, even in subsequent marriages to be deliriously happy.
Frank on March 09, 2017:
I am a remarried man of 17 years. we both have childen with our first spouses. she had 2 boys who were a little older then my son. I treated her ( my) boys like my own. my wife on the other hand always felt like second . now my son got married and had a 4 year old boy. I am so blessed he is a wonderful joyful little boy. My problem my wife feels threatened by him now. every time I want to go see him she has a problem. so I only see him once a week. if my son calls to ask to watch him my wife says no. my wife also hardly ever gets involved when I have him once a week. I take him out by myself. I ask her all the time of she wants to come. if my grandson asks to sleepover there is always a problem . My wife gets so upset.
I always reassure her how much I love her. She is just not HAPPY. I tell her Francis our grandchild is growing up so fast. it's like yesterday he was born. is there anything I can do to make everyone happy. I am always in the middle. My son and my wife rarely got along .
Megan on February 22, 2017:
Thank you so much for this article, now I know I'm just being irrational and even crazy. Good to know I'm not the only one that goes through this.
Seekhappy on February 22, 2017:
I am a second wife too, 7 months of marriage not going so well, i feel my husband feels guilty for his 6 year old son, so he wants to spend all kinds of money on him and i resent that given our financial situation
Rachel on February 06, 2017:
I'm so glad I'm not alone
Someone on February 04, 2017:
I know exactly what you are talking about, in bed with sleeping husband and am writting this with tears thinking how I get only 6 night a month alone with my husband, the rest for work and his kids from his second marriage, first no kids and I am his third
I love him deeply , but I am confused I have to be a wife, girlfriend, friend, step mom and mother ..
Feelings from the other side on February 01, 2017:
My dad remarried and had two other children, he was not around as I was growing up and didn't do anything to help raise us or take care of us. Now I get to watch my two younger siblings have everything I went without. It is really hard to not resent this and have anger and jealousy, I try not to, but to see them living the high life when my siblings and I went without beds at times, lived with multiple relatives with our single mother and at times didn't have much to eat. My dad doesn't treat us like we are his children at all and it hurts.
x on January 25, 2017:
I am so thankful to have found your article as I am LITERALLY going through the same thing- I'm the third wife and all that bitterness building up you speak of is absolutely true and totally unintended. I pray to God everyday to make me strong to make it through and not to change the person I am...
Primpo from Howell, New Jersey on January 24, 2017:
I commented before but I have some other things to say that I just thought of. My marriage is a 3rd one for me and for him. We were both stupid in the past before we even got married for the first time. My husband I found out real fast is not a talker, but he is very calm in the house and likes his quiet. We have a regular routine and he has a really good job, thank God, but sometimes I'm craving conversation because well I'm a big conversationalist. so I get my conversation by my friends. I'm getting off track. The things I focus on are the positive, like he comes straight home from work every night, even if he is quietly laying on the couch , he is laying on the couch in front of me!! He doesn't have to go to meet his friends or make excuses to go to his job or something as a matter of fact , if he has to check on a job, he asks me to drive him to the city, which no matter how tired I may be , I am glad to do this. I know when he comes home, I have his dinner made, his house clean and shower him with love no matter how he may be feeling when he walks in the door. When I saw your article I was thinking these are the things I think of . Then I thought, everything is in my mind. and it is . he is here with me, sometimes I catch him looking at me in a way that I would want to see him looking at me. He is loving and cuddly. I personally cannot imagine why someone so sweet could be three times married. What happened? Well I decided not to ask those questions and just concentrate on how much I love him and what our life is together. Just had to say it..
JewelAnne Risalvato on January 23, 2017:
Came across this article by accident, but I couldn't stop reading after hearing your feelings as I, too, am on my 2nd marriage but ours is his 3rd. First was long (20yrs + 4 kids, custody of 2 youngest in their mid teens when we married). Second was momentary and spontaneous, or the other way around: superficial. But always made me question his ultimate motives in marriage...
We met, and have both always felt even if at different times in the beginning, that date was at hand. But 14 years later, we finally realize so many of the hard earned facts one might need to know as a previously married woman married a previously married man; children or no children/ before or after!
I felt like your article was well spoken... Honest and I cannot be the only one to relate! But was just... Nice to hear that!
I am actually friends with the first ex, mother of his oldest children, but this did not come easy for of us, or... For ANY of us!
I think you could extend your article.. Unless I somehow missed the ending, it seemed abruptly ended! But you were on a track to above for so many! Covering so many similar but just different enough situations... That there are no rules for...! Mother in law's??? Ha! My own mother couldn't help me... Because as I just stated: there just aren't any rule books... No motherly, mother in law-ly, grandmotherly, any older woman of influence-ly... Advice. Maybe we can offer it back to our children in the future? Maybe they won't have more than one spouse because they'll have learned from our mistakes...? But if not, we won't judge them, only guide.
In the meantime, thanks for the article... Makes me think a dual author (multi-author? What's that called??) Article or more... Could and should be written!
Just like 'divorce' used to be a dirty word, now 'remarried' is... Or, 'he/she is on his/her (__fill in #__) marriage!'
It's not like we're flying blind... But, we could lean on each other... In writing!
Thanks again for the article!
Anonymous on January 13, 2017:
Thank -you for your honesty. I appreciate it. We are in the same circumstance as you. Both devoted Christians whose spouses were unfaithful and not interested in Jesus.
We were both single parents a long time before marrying. That created some out of order priorities in both of us, but more for him as he focus entirely on his children and put them above everything. He is a great man, I am so thankful, but there are issues I couldn't have anticipated with the confused relationships with his adult children.
I agree the trust issue takes time and patience to work out. His children are people he knew were always there no matter what. A woman , on the other hand, he has learned, they can burn you. It's already better, I can see us both resting in this Love God gave us for each other.
I have felt alone, because the few people I have tried to talk about is this with, kind of make me feel like a Spiritual failure for not immediately loving my husband's adult children. It's very complicated. I don't dislike them. I try to be kind, respectful. I moved into the house they were born in, and so this also isn't a good dynamic. I definitely haven't felt like the, "woman of the house" That is improving with time and we have plans to move and establish our own household. When they move, or we do, having his adult children visit "us, "will be fabulous! I look forward to the visits. Figuring out my role is complicated. As adults, they don't need a mom or daily parenting. They don't have the kind of natural respect for another adult little children might. I can't really be a "friend", as I don't want to keep things from the father. Living with adult children of your spouse is not easy. I have thought, to my shame, that I wouldn't have married him, knowing what I know now, as long as the adult children were still in the home. That might make me an awful person, I don't know. My adult children of the same age, are far away. God , their father is watching over them!
With God , all things are possible, even making these complicated things work, with His Grace and the fruits of His Spirit helping me. I know this has caused me to grow and understand second marriages in ways I just didn't before.
Thanks for your honest article. It's really a challenge to find anyone who understands the dynamics. Since everyone has slightly different circumstances, as guess only God really gets what each is dealing with.
Some of the stories in the Bible have helped. Many of the ones who gained the inheritance were seconds, starting with the Lord, Jesus Christ, as the "second Adam" Jacob, Rachel, Issac, were seconds, amoung others.
One of the blessings in this, is seeing what God is doing to honor our faithfulness to Him. The one piece of advice I got from a second wife who deals with her husband's children from his previous wife is, "Be patient. Then be patient some more. When you think you can't be patient anymore, be more patient."
There is so much more I want to ramble on about this topic, but I will wrap up. The Grace of God, His Love, will cover a multitude of sin. May you all, who are second wife's, be hopeful that through prayers and loving your man, the other things will into place. In most cases, we married a wiser, kinder, more mature man than the former spouse did. May your marriage and spirit be blessed. In God's economy, you are now , number One; no matter what anyone one else says, or how they treat you.
ed on December 18, 2016:
These articles should be mandatory reading for every teenage boy & girl. They should fully understand what lies ahead for at least 50% of those choosing marriage. People need to understand the myth vs the reality of marriage before making the decision to marry. No one wants to be alone but what price are you willing to pay for company? To what degree will you ALLOW someone to berate, insult and even physically assault you? The only thing worst that a failed marriage is the insult and absurdities of a Marriage Counselor.
Daisy on December 05, 2016:
This article completely hits home. I love him but I want something special just for me. Seems like hes been there done everything.
Ron Klutts on December 02, 2016:
Works both ways asshole, I am not troubled by your past. But you can't seem to get past yours. So you trash our relationship with your baggage. Ex used to do this, so don't do that.Who's fucking problem is that?Mine because I keep putting up with you!