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Being My Husband's Second Wife

Updated on June 16, 2016

When I first wrote this article, I felt somewhat alone. The request asked that someone write an article about the ups and downs of remarriage, and I decided to share my personal experiences with being my husband's second wife.

It's an isolated feeling, and for a long time I have thought that I was alone in my feelings of discouragement and resentment. But the article got page views and I noticed that it was showing up in Google searches. The truth is that I felt encouraged.

What follows is my personal experience and how I feel about being the second wife (or in my case, the third). I know now that I am not alone in the way that I feel, and remarried men might want to consider my words in dealing with the ups and downs they face with their second wife.

Leaving the Past in the Past

Often, however much effort we might make towards the goal of leaving our past in our past, we are haunted by it. We are troubled by an affair our ex had with her boss, or we are fearful of the raised voice that accompanied a meltdown.

Or worse, we remember with a mixture of disgust and fondness particularly enjoyable sexual encounters with the ex. Maybe it is the honeymoon that is recalled so fondly, or perhaps we still have a close relationship with our former in-laws.

What if your husband is still friends with his first wife? What then?

There are many emotions that are significant to married life. Men, in particular, associate sex with affection and receive an incredible emotional satisfaction from the sexual pleasure their women receive during their intimate times. Also recalled may be the anger from a particular fight, or the betrayal when she announced that she wanted a divorce. In many cases, every stab to his heart that he experienced during his marriage is buried deeply and has yet to be dealt with in an effective and appropriate manner.

These bits and pieces come to the surface every now and again in many second marriages. Some past issues need to be dealt with gently and firmly, while others need to be handled by a trained counselor. Your husband's relationship with his first wife can affect his relationship with you in a very profound way.

Hidden Resentment

One of the things that has been hardest for me as a second wife is the fact that my husband had children before he met me. There are three children from his first marriage. He had been through the pregnancy and birth process three times before he met me. And when I became pregnant, I was met with a nod and a shrug. My pregnancy wasn't special: he had seen it all before. In fact, when he introduced me to friends of his, he would talk excitedly about his oldest two children (of whom he had physical custody for six years) without introducing me or announcing my pregnancy. I felt like a fifth wheel, with his oldest children taking priority in his life. I took a back burner. My children took a back burner. 

Many second wives feel this way. We are hurt when our husbands seem to take less interest in our pregnancies (they've seen it before and are pretty sure that we aren't as fragile as we would like them to believe). We miss the tears in their eyes when our first child is born. We miss the expected excitement. We are sometimes angered when our mothers in law don't come by in the hospital to see the new baby. They've seen it before. Sometimes they even think he shouldn't have had more children.

A second wife often has to play second-fiddle to the children from the first marriage. She can be hurt and alone and confused by why this is happening. Bitterness can build in her if she is neglected, or if she is given too much of a role in caring for her step-children. She might become angry if her parenting skills are compared to those of his first wife, and she often feels as though she was his second pick.

A second wife can become incredibly resentful of her step-children, and it is taboo for her to discuss this topic, with her husband, or with her friends. Many women feel so guilty about the subject that they only allow it to eat at them rather than properly addressing the issue through counseling and proper communication with their husbands. And often, men don't understand what is eating at their wives.

Second Doesn't Mean Second Best

A second wife might ask of herself (and her husband!) what it was about the first that he loved. She might even feel as though he has been unfaithful to her, in spite of the fact that the "other woman" was his wife! Even if he doesn't, she might compare herself to his ex. She might even worry that if he lost interest in his first wife that he will also lose interest in her.

This is especially complicated if there is a support order. If her husband is unable to support her and her children, the second wife may become very resentful of the first wife, her husband, and the children they have together. She will sometimes doubt herself, and she may find that she regrets having become involved with her husband in the first place.

It's My Story

I don't like being a "second" and am, in fact, a "third." My husband is my second, and I know that we both live with the regrets of the past. Some of those regrets have been caused by one another, other regrets are caused by legislation that has not been well thought-through. We both hurt greatly from time to time and each of us questions ourselves.

Being a "second" is part of the reason that I have considered very deeply the implications of pre-marital and extra-marital sex. Two souls came together before, and when the divorces occurred, what remained was no longer complete. I got what was left over when his first two wives were done with him. I experience sadness and sometimes even shame. Some days I fear that I am becoming the "bitter woman" that I dreamed I would never be.

I am a "second" and it isn't easy. For those of you who are remarried, male or female, give your spouse everything that you have, and strive to never, ever make them feel like a "second."

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      Jenn 8 days ago

      I have been married to my husband for four years. His first wife is still alive, but his second passed away. He has two adult children, one with three children. The children always wants him to meet at her house for my husband to see his grandchildren. He does not want me to know where he is only that he will be back afterwhile. I feel so left out of this situation, as from time to time, he will invite his 1st wife to have dinner with him. He says he loves me, but, I feel lonely and not enough for him. His 1st wife cheated on him, and caused him much pain, although he has forgiven her, his son does not bring the children around to see him at his own house. My husband thinks that I make to much of this and feels like I'm trying to tell him what to do or get invloved in something that is not happening. I just feel like he only tells me what he wants me to know. I feel some kinda why, because I have found texts of him asking her to dinner. I just don't think that this is right and ex is just that EX. I feel that he should make some concessions in the grandchildren coming to our home, however, I've addressed this, and he says I'm jealous and if I continue this behavior he will leave.

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      Primpo 11 days ago from Brooklyn, New York

      cookie, there is nothing anyone can do to help you. If he is using you for papers which it sounds like from your description, you need to get away and make a life for you and the baby. Immigration is very touchy right now, you have more power than you know. no one can tell you what to do, but no man is worth it.

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      cookie 13 days ago

      my husband and i are married with a baby. but he always put his ex first and there kids. he gets angry every time i ask him for all of us to meet. saying i am causing problemas in our marriage and he doesn't think we will last another year if i continue with the situation. all i ask is for us to meet and he said his not gone hurt his kids because they don't want to meet us. he has been lieing to me and takes his ex where ever she needs or the kids. i have a feeling his using me to get papers which we are in process and moving fast with his pressure. that he still has feeling for his ex and is cheating on me with her. i don't know what to do. i be home alone with my baby and he get home late. please help me.

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      Meg 2 weeks ago

      I am the 2nd wife of a man whos first wife died 5 yrs ago. Slowly he has let go of the trash and old furnishing not broken down appliances. His first wife was a drunk who threw things kicked in doors and in rages would pry up basteboard and pull toilet paper holders out of the wall she got cancer and stayed a rage getting children to buy booze eventually she passed. I met husband 2 yrs later. His children all adults entiteled given everything from college rent cars phones etc. He has stopped all that as they are all broaching 30. They r not on board about me swear all the time in texts one even wrote a pronographic story online. At one of their weddings husband was asked to walk down the isle w dead wifes pick arm in arm w her sister and asked to sit next to or holding deceased mothers picture when my new husband said no the son snapped threatening swearing pointing his finger at me. We knew nothing of plans until that moment.

      We were asked to sit in 3rd row were not in any pictures nor was father w son. The whole wedding was a drunken wake cannonizing dead mother. I said nothing husband paid for a party b4 wedding never introduced or thanked it was thousands of dollars.

      I have never been around drunken filthy swearing just hours b4 a wedding and a finger pointed at me. I almost fainted.

      My husband was on board about moving from the house he had w her and all of them until I injured knee. Now that I have recovered the cleaning and distruction is overwhelming professionals tell him that nothing has been replaced for 25 yrs. I got tired of the discord re it and commited to pay for it myself. I married him because I love him I knew about his drunk wife and the iratic behavior of his children but I keep hoping he will sell the house like he said b4 my injury a new place just ours no memories of drunk rages. But it doesnt look like that w happen. I am scared to death of his children who so esily snap if they dont get what they want. My drs know my family knows my co workers know my husband seems to blow it off like thats normal. I was sick after wedding . its a good thing a video of son snapping hasnt been put out there online. It reminds me of Criminal minds show..everyone just seems to accept it. Anyway he constantly refers to his furst wife especially if I am injured sick w ashma from cleaning. Its like he cant see who hes talking to.

      frot

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      Dee 2 weeks ago

      After a 1 and 1/2 yrs.; I finally asked him to please quit calling his previous wife his "wife" while he is married to me. It was the most painful thing I ever asked a human being to do.

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      Becky 7 weeks ago

      I have been going through the same. I have put my partners children equal to mine but he can't do the same to my children or myself. Wish my knight and shinning armor would show up. Feel used. Maybe it's time to just give up. I want my family "children"to be treated equally as I treat his. I want to come before his ex.

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      Truth Is 7 weeks ago

      Even for many of us men that had been married once before after having our Ex wives cheated on us was very devastating. And many of us were the real faithful ones from the very beginning to the very end too. Now it is very difficult for many of us trying to find love all over again since most of the women just like to party and get wasted, and most of the women are just sleeping around with different men all the time instead of committing themselves to just only one man. This is why finding love very impossible for many of us men now because of this.

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      Dana 7 weeks ago

      Thanks for this post.

      I share so many of these feelings. A lot of resentment, especially towards my husband's ex, who harasses us a lot, calls me names, refuses to work and as a reward for all this - she gets the lion's share of my husband's income, at least for a while. I work really hard and I feel like I get stuck paying all our bills and the mortgage on my own, and then I pay even more - like trips for the kids etc.

      I love my husband so much, but sometimes I worry that I've made a terrible mistake. I have given up so much and everything is so stressful and he doesn't seem to understand that or how hard this is for me. I often feel lonely and frustrated. I also feel angry that he is not more appreciative of what he's put me through.

      Now we are trying to have a baby - and just as you say - to him this is not such a priority, whereas it means the world to me. Many years ago, he thought about leaving his first marriage but stayed with his ex wife so he could have kids. He wanted children that badly. Now he is having a baby with me - not because he wants more, but because he wants me in his life, and I want a baby (I know that when the time comes, he'll love our baby too) but sometimes I wish we could have done it the right way together!

      We love each other like crazy, but it does come with a price. Every day has its rewards and frustrations. Love is never perfect. Even with my step son and step daughter - there are moments of love and feeling like a family and moments of feeling left out too - especially when their mother is so negative towards me- or frustrations about parenting and paying for someone else's kids.

      I think my husband and I have had to work a lot harder than most couples to keep our marriage on track. There are days where it's too much for me - and when those come, I remind myself to give love to myself first.

      The truth is, the only person who can ever really love you the way you need to be loved - is you. Pursue your passions, better health, welfare, a satisfying career, friendships etc. Look after yourself so all the love that you get from him is a bonus.

      I know that's easier said than done because everyday I struggle with it. But if you love yourself, you will be able to see if truly you do feel unloved or cheated in your relationship - in which case, it might be time to leave.

      Sometimes, I look at my husband's first wife... now there is a bitter, angry, half-gone person - and mostly, I think it's because she didn't/doesn't look out for herself. She expected (and still expects) my husband to take care of her, to make her happy, etc. which is part of the reason why he ended up resenting her so much during their marriage. Her entire emotional state, wellbeing and even lack of career is all based on him. No matter what mistakes in their relationship (and my husband did make many when he was with her), she made that choice to depend on him. No wonder she's bitter.

      So, I remind myself that whatever comes, that will not be me. I can take pride in looking after myself, providing for myself and my children and, God forbid, if the day ever comes when I feel like my husband takes me and/or our children for granted, maybe I will have to leave him. But if I keep my independence, remind myself that it's not his job to make me happy or to buy my clothing, I feel better.

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      Philip 2 months ago

      This is a great piece; however the writer is biased......like most. Men are equally positioned on the same front. No infedelity, pays the bills, cooks dinners, cleans house , even urinates squatted because no one should have to clean another's excramates. As she wrote. Mother in laws didnt show up during birth as they had before....its not a male or female thing...its a human thing. I witness the same problem with my fiance, who's ex (divorced mind u) shortly before, killed himself thru alcohol abuse. 3 years later, she still puts ex's family before me for benefit of child. Mind u, I was her shoulder to cry on, the sounding board and male role model to her son since his dad's passing and person to bring the home he left in shambles out of disrepair, while maintaining a relationship with my own son who goes without a male role model daily (sep story). Yet she puts that family who told her she had no role in the funeral proceedings and who blamed him for his failures and turned around and asked(which she subsequently did) to pay for the funeral expenses--- ahead of me. I've had more of an impact on the boy in 2 years than they've had in the last 12. Yet still they come first. I cancelled our marriage and moving back to one of my homes that are rented...in Hawaii.

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      Quuin J 2 months ago

      Thanks for your words, it described exactly how i feel .. I am 2nd wife of my husband too . he got 3 kids from his first marriage. 2 moved out as they are all over 18yrs. 1 little boy who was 8 when my married his dad. It 's been nearly 3 years for my marriage, i always feel lonely. we never have any children together, i always want to have kids but my husband does not seem to have any interested in having any baby anymore, in fact he does not seem to have any interested on anything which i 've learned that he had all that experience with his first marriage ..This is my first on anything. My first marriage..my husband is 47. i am 30 yrs, an accountant who learning everyday . learning to be a good step mum for his now 11 yrs son that stays with us, learning everything , but no matter what i do, it will never enough. Being a step mum would never be the easy thing. if i make them happy, that should be seen like i just do my job. and if they got upseting somehow for any reason, that would be your wrong for being a step mum. i am only have 3 nights per month alone with my husband . if we go travel cause of business without the son, we will not allow to talk about what happened there in front of him cause he will become very sensitive , and before we go , we have to spend about 3 weekends to make it up for him. My husband forget all the special days between us, he never wants to go out for dinner unless i pushed him to do that, but only for special day. 2 older kids of him, they dont hate me, but dont really like me neither . they come to see him sometimes when they need advises, most of that is about money. his ex come to meet the little boy every school holiday and spend a week their son which realy hard for me cause he will come back with non stop conversation comparing about how great his mum is , with life living here..even thought the fact is my husband did not ask for any child supports from her for their 3 kids as she just left them when they was 16, 13 and 2 yrs of age. the worse part is when they have family reunion , i feel like i am not a part of them, i always feel like i been left behind and my husband is too busy for all the conversation with his family.. if i dont come , people in his family will questioning about that. if i come, i will not sleep all that night when i came back from that party..

      everytime talking about our future plan , for investing something , my husband alway say it is too risky

      I made decision when agreed to get marriage to this man cause i am deeply in love with him no matter what all my family have warning me how hard the future can be.. all my friends got upset cause of my marriage and now when i have to face with this.. i feel lonely cause i could not say or tell anyone , cause this is my choice.. i am very tired, lonely and hopeless , cant complain anything cause what ever i say it will just make me become a ugly , impatient wife/ step mum . My husband is in the middle of everything. if i told him what i feel, it will just make him feel guilty about the way thing happened. i could not ask him to spend more time with me while his kids need him too . So i am here, keep everything inside. no wonder when will it blow up

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      Amber 2 months ago

      I identify with everything. I just had a spat with my second husband over this. Only I a very vocal and he tries to equate everything I do with what he does wrong in our marriage. I can't stand it. I'm really starting to wonder why I though this was a great idea. We've been married for 6 years and still nothing has changed. I sympathize with all of you. I do love him but is love worth it when you are second. Me thinks not. I feel like apologizing to my ex husband for every fault I couldn't accept. The grass is not greener where I stand. If I had to do it over again, I would have just left and been alone. I honestly wouldn't have been able to stay with my 1st husband because of our issues but had I known better I wouldn't have married again. I just feel completely empty and unable to give of myself anymore.

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      Cdaniels2017 3 months ago

      Thanks for sharing. I feel a lot of what you shared in your post. I'd like to know how you get past most of this is order to be in a good place with your marriage. No matter what I try, I still feel resentment and it always ends up in an argument and I can't tell him why I'm angry because I don't want to look like the petty evil wife .

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      Cdaniels 3 months ago

      Thanks for sharing. I feel a lot of what you shared in your post. I'd like to know how you get past most of this is order to be in a good place with your marriage. No matter what I try, I still feel resentment and it always ends up in an argument and I can't tell him why I'm angry because I don't want to look like the petty evil wife .

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      Amelia Ethan 3 months ago

      This is my happiest moment and a remarkable day of my life, i am Amelia Ethan from Australia i'm here to share a testimony how i was healed of 2 year lungs cancer, i been living with this cancer only by the grace of god for the past 2 and half years it wasn’t an easy experience. i tried all medications from various health care center but all to no avail, one day i decided to check on the internet if i could get a possible solution to my illness, in there i found a page” RemedyHome created by Dr La Afa Lord, i read about how he has healed hundred of people living with different kind of sickness and disease like ” Cancer, asthmatic , Polymicrogyria,diabetes, Thyroid Condition,

      Rett Syndrome, Seizure Disorder, skin infection, Mental Illness,Obesity, Cystic Fibrosis,infertility and also how he has restore broken marriages from different couples. after reading the entire page i was convince enough and decided to contact him through his personal email address, i discuss everything about my lungs cancer with him and he assure me that God will definitely perform his healing power on me, after-which he send some parcel to me and direction for use, i applied his parcel as instructed and today i am totally healed from this deadly lungs cancer, i really want to appreciate his good work upon my life, and also for restoring my cousin 8 years broken marriage. and to my to my beautiful friends out there having difficult time reaching him due to the distance you can still send him an Email via: LaAfaLord@dr.com or you may call him for directives via +18635468189 with him all your marital problem , disease will be solve for a better life. i will advise we all share this message to those around us, you could just save a soul.

      Stay bless my friends.

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      3rd time - not a Charm 3 months ago

      I met my highschool sweetheart in my late 30s. He had two sons from Two different previous Marriages. I had two sons of my own from a previous relationship. As much I Truly Dearly Love my Husband with ALL my

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      Ghadia Ibrahim 3 months ago from Egypt

      Being 2nd is hell.. ......all I can say but truly love my husband

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      Melissa sugar gold 3 months ago

      My story is a little different. My ex-husband's second wife is making my life a living hell. My ex has been recently died of cancer in May 2017. The new wife has refused to move out of the home that the mortgage is in my name. Although the title is in her name and she's making the payment I would like Her to move out and give back my home to me and my children. My husband left my children money that the new wife stole. So I would like the house back so at least we can sell it and have money to live off of now that my ex-husband is dead and I have to support my children on my own

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      Cristina k 3 months ago

      Thank you for this article for a long time I thought I was alone in my feelings and reading this confirmed that I'm not alone in this. I felt guilty and thought that perhaps I was selfish in feeling this. Thanks again for the read.

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      Alwaysbefirst 4 months ago

      Hello Irritated Fiance,

      PLEASE LEAVE the man who are about to marry. Go find a man WITHOUT a child. I got married to a widower with a grown-up child. Despite pleading with him for having a child of my own, he did not agree. Why? Because he did not want "another" child. Although he says he loves me, I feel like a 'second' wife, and second best. He did not want "another" child for financial reasons, he wants his son to inherit his property. That was his 'real' family, I am his consolation in his old age. There's much more. It's an emotional challenge to be a stepmom without being a mother to your own child. It's probably a challenge beinga step-mom anyways, even with your own child. Its a challenge to listen to wonderful things about his first wife being a great mother to his only child, his friends & relatives talking about his first wife, etc. Had I known what I would be in for, I would NEVER have married this man, however loving he might be or claim to be. The truth is his kid or kids will always be his first prioroty. So, PLEASE GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP AS FAST AS YOU CAN. This is my most sincere advise, however difficult it might be. You will get over him, believe me. There are lots of available men in the world. You deserve someone who will be doing a "first" - first marriage, first child, first honeymoon, first home, etc. DO NOT SETTLE FOR BEING A SECOND WIFE . YOU WILL REGRET IT DEEPLY!

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      Sarah 4 months ago

      I'm not a wife. Im a product from a first marriage. Everyone is bringing up some excellent points about being 1st 2nd and 3rd wife and my heart goes out to you it really does but in some cases it's not good for the first wife or the child/ten of the first wife. Im my dads case he cheated on my mum. Thankfully he's not with the so called lady he cheated on mum with. My dad remarried. Although I don't dislike my s mum I do resent her in a lot of ways. As she is reaping the benefits of my parents hard work. Trips away etc. My parents started a business together 30something years ago and it's helping them keep them a comfy lifestyle. My mum on the other hand is not reaping any benefits of her hard work and is struggling on the pension. And it breaks my heart.I don't come first to my dad my s mum does and although it can be argued thats how it's supposed to be but it doesn't have to be so obvious. I went to s mums party and some people didn't even know I was my dads daughter. It's so hard. I have had relatives say how good s mum is for my dad and I had to tell them so was my mum and reminded them of the things my mum did for them without batting an eye lid. It's hard to hear relatives gush over your s parent when it was my mum that was wronged. They never ring her to see how she is. All in all children and 1st wives can also feel they are forgotten about.

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      Al 4 months ago

      I've been in my second marriage for 5 years. We haven't been able to have kids. I have 2 daughters from my first marriage which I haven't seen for 3 years and 4 months. The reason being I was trying to for them to say sorry to my new wife for calling her a bitch. During this time my eldest has had 2 kids 1 of which I haven't met. My wife won't let me see them because they haven't said sorry yet. The issues are: when we visited my eldest she took advantage of the time we played with my grand daughter and didn't give my wife a glass of water. She misplaced a small gift my wife gave her when she was 18 and didn't know exactly where it was. She swore at me when she was 19. She invited herself to lunch with me and my wife. She left a note on the door when we dropped off my youngest at her home to tell us she was at my ex's. To me it was all trivial and kids stuff. I told me daughter I couldn't deal with these issues as my wife just got mad at me for thinking it was trivial and that she sould sort it out with her. They then exchanged horrible emails and things got very bad. My wife said she was an accident and when my youngest heard it she called her a bitch. I tried for more than three years to get them both to say sorry. I didn't see them, didn't buy them gifts, when they wanted to see me I said not unless the apologized to my wife. They just were wanting to see me. My wife wouldn't let me and threatened divorce. We had a fight one day and I lost my temper because I couldn't explain myself as she just wouldn't let me speak She just kept repeating the same thing over and over. They want us to break up the hate me they won't be happy until we divorce! I slapped her. I then had anger management counseling and it hasn't happened since . about 2 months ago my daughter had a miscarriage. I just decided to go and see her. Now my wife has asked for divorce.

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      mrs third 5 months ago

      I am third wife of my husband, i never thought about the consequences of marrying with a married man. when i married i was thinking i am the second wife, but after wedding i know that i am third in the que. He divorced his first wife with fully grown children. he is always praising his ex first wife. he is very grateful ful that his ex take care his children. i was 15 years younger that my husband. my husband already enjoyed his sex life with his ex wives. he just need a nurse to take care in his old so i am that nurse. he dont like to shopping giving me gift becos all is wastage of maoney. i want me to be fit always becos i am the one who take care of him. like a horse. fit for him when ever he had sex with me. he said he is doing only becos u never enjoy sex before otherwise he dont need it. sometimes he was complaing that due to my fault we had sex and he was feeling weakness. the truth is i never ask him for sex. he dont like to spend money on me but he like s that my body face should be clean and soft with going to saloon. oooooooooopppps i am his third horse

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      Vanessa 5 months ago

      My husband introduced me and my son today to his old friends (as the new family) and I felt bad

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      ChicAndGlam 5 months ago

      Wow, you have no idea how much I've identified with pretty much EVERYTHING you've written in your post. I've been also reading comments and I can't believe how many people have experienced or are experiencing exactly what I am facing right now in my second marriage with a husband who has a child from his first marriage. We have a 9 month old together, but he still favors his daughter and cannot seem to cut communication with his ex. It's like yes, they're divorced legally, but emotionally they have't gotten divorced. I have regretted this marriage so many times and that anger, bitterness and resentment is starting to build up. I haven't found the courage/strength to leave him, but I want to so bad! However, I don't have a job nor any family or friends that live here in this state (TX). I moved halfway to the country to live in the state where his ex and daughter live only so that he could treat me as second best if that! I want to find the strength and courage to leave him and start my life all over without him. I am emotionally destroyed and it isn't fair for my beautiful baby boy who needs his mommy whole and well. Reading this articles and all the comments has helped in giving me a sense of not feeling alone in how I feel pertaining to my circumstance. If only there were an easier way out of this...

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      Mandy 6 months ago

      I'm third wife for my husband. My life is so miserable but I don't know what should I do ,my husband first wife have son 38 years old and his second marriage have daughter 24 years old and we have our son together 17 years old .my husband always listen his side all his sisters and his daughter ,he never pay attention for my son and me ,I feel I can give him divorce but someone say to me don't do it,then I ask why they said my son need his dad but his dad never give him anything not even good conversation .he just put her daughter in front ,I feel like me and my son only for him like spares part he can use us when he need ,please give me advise what should I do. Thanks

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      Ginabelle 7 months ago

      I'm going to comment from a different position I am the ex wife. Me and my husband have been divorced 14 years. We have been friendly for the sake of meeting our children's needs amicably. Plus my ex husband has always been a part of our family. My parents loved him because he was their grandchildren''s father. They have helped in in times of financial need and so on. It was good until he remarried. Then his new wife says her foot down and won't allow him to be friendly any longer . He has allowed himseld to be isolated from his children and he has now rejected any relationship with even my parents. Again they were financially supporting him for all these years. My husband always treated him more like my sibling than my ex. It is sad to see the trouble he is headed for but there's is nothing that can be done. I'm just saying not all ex wives are badoing. Usually the problems generates from how the man handles his home business.

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      Frennz 8 months ago

      Hello! I am a second wife also. My husband had his lived in partner before but she died. But my husband is not married with her.

      I have a question:

      What if my husband still keeps the picture of her first wife and his exes even though we are already married for 1 year. Do I have the right to question him why he is still keeping the pictures of his past wife? if his reason is for his daughter to know her mother, why does he keeps on viewing their photos together before?

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      Mifune 8 months ago

      Reading this has flooded me with emotions as I consider my own situation.

      I am not yet second wife but me and my current partner have discussed our love and committing to marriage. Part of me wants this as I love him very much and even feel love and care for his 2 children (9 and 7) whom we get every other weekend and random weeks/holidays etc.

      My dilemma comes more in dealing with his ex wife, whom he is only just officially divorcing now despite being separated for almost 5 years now after he caught her cheating on him for the 3rd time and he no longer wanted to bother with their relationship. About a year ago she had a new baby with the last man she had an affair with and they currently have plans to marry once the divorce is finalized. While im glad this is coming to an official end and i can suck it up she is pushing for more money in the child support even it it will hurt him financially im concerned if I will ever feel happy or secure while his ex is in the picture. She was big on personal pornography which my partner still had saved on his computer and a back up disk until i found it and he destroyed it. Some of it was taken after their separation while she was in another relationship (although one while he has been with me) and she has already proven she has no respect for her own or others relationships/ /// This destroyed some trust and was a blow to my self esteem that he would keep this into our relationship and I struggle letting it go. I also hate her constant texting and calling him... to his merit he usually ignores her but I cant help but wonder of that's for my benefit when im around. Usually over stupid things and he just tells me he thinks she has no life. He chooses to ignore it rather then say anything or he hands me the phone and tells me to text her whatever...

      My other concern is while i didn't think not having my own child would be a big deal I now find myself crying over the fact that he has had 2 children with someone else of such poor character and me and him shall most likely never have any... Im 38 and never been pregnant. He says it doesn't matter he loves me and we should focus on our present and life together and let the past lie... (plus we are animal lovers with a dog and cat lol) but its tough when hes the one bringing the pats into our lives via 2 innocent children and their obnoxious excuse of a mother.

      Uggh I love him I feel ill end up agreeing to the marriage as he in large makes me feel very loved and happy (we do have some bad days) and making the best just wish i could get past the sad days and feel more positive about it all... helps to read others stories to help put my own life into some perspective.

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      Fruma 8 months ago

      Oh how sad. I'm a 3rd wife married to the man of my dreams for more than a decade. I worked hard (really, really dmn hard) the first years so that the children from his 1st 2 marriages always felt welcome. I love them dearly, and they reciprocate. My top 3 for managing through it all were never, ever to disparage the prior wives (especially in front of the children). Have fun together with and without all the kids. And, finally, be there for him. Emotionally, physically and spiritually.

      My husband will move heaven and earth to spend time with me, and we go on weekly dates so that we have "us" time.

      It's possible, even in subsequent marriages to be deliriously happy.

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      Frank 9 months ago

      I am a remarried man of 17 years. we both have childen with our first spouses. she had 2 boys who were a little older then my son. I treated her ( my) boys like my own. my wife on the other hand always felt like second . now my son got married and had a 4 year old boy. I am so blessed he is a wonderful joyful little boy. My problem my wife feels threatened by him now. every time I want to go see him she has a problem. so I only see him once a week. if my son calls to ask to watch him my wife says no. my wife also hardly ever gets involved when I have him once a week. I take him out by myself. I ask her all the time of she wants to come. if my grandson asks to sleepover there is always a problem . My wife gets so upset.

      I always reassure her how much I love her. She is just not HAPPY. I tell her Francis our grandchild is growing up so fast. it's like yesterday he was born. is there anything I can do to make everyone happy. I am always in the middle. My son and my wife rarely got along .

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      Megan 9 months ago

      Thank you so much for this article, now I know I'm just being irrational and even crazy. Good to know I'm not the only one that goes through this.

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      Seekhappy 9 months ago

      I am a second wife too, 7 months of marriage not going so well, i feel my husband feels guilty for his 6 year old son, so he wants to spend all kinds of money on him and i resent that given our financial situation

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      Rachel 10 months ago

      I'm so glad I'm not alone

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      Someone 10 months ago

      I know exactly what you are talking about, in bed with sleeping husband and am writting this with tears thinking how I get only 6 night a month alone with my husband, the rest for work and his kids from his second marriage, first no kids and I am his third

      I love him deeply , but I am confused I have to be a wife, girlfriend, friend, step mom and mother ..

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      Feelings from the other side 10 months ago

      My dad remarried and had two other children, he was not around as I was growing up and didn't do anything to help raise us or take care of us. Now I get to watch my two younger siblings have everything I went without. It is really hard to not resent this and have anger and jealousy, I try not to, but to see them living the high life when my siblings and I went without beds at times, lived with multiple relatives with our single mother and at times didn't have much to eat. My dad doesn't treat us like we are his children at all and it hurts.

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      10 months ago

      I am so thankful to have found your article as I am LITERALLY going through the same thing- I'm the third wife and all that bitterness building up you speak of is absolutely true and totally unintended. I pray to God everyday to make me strong to make it through and not to change the person I am...

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      Primpo 10 months ago from Brooklyn, New York

      I commented before but I have some other things to say that I just thought of. My marriage is a 3rd one for me and for him. We were both stupid in the past before we even got married for the first time. My husband I found out real fast is not a talker, but he is very calm in the house and likes his quiet. We have a regular routine and he has a really good job, thank God, but sometimes I'm craving conversation because well I'm a big conversationalist. so I get my conversation by my friends. I'm getting off track. The things I focus on are the positive, like he comes straight home from work every night, even if he is quietly laying on the couch , he is laying on the couch in front of me!! He doesn't have to go to meet his friends or make excuses to go to his job or something as a matter of fact , if he has to check on a job, he asks me to drive him to the city, which no matter how tired I may be , I am glad to do this. I know when he comes home, I have his dinner made, his house clean and shower him with love no matter how he may be feeling when he walks in the door. When I saw your article I was thinking these are the things I think of . Then I thought, everything is in my mind. and it is . he is here with me, sometimes I catch him looking at me in a way that I would want to see him looking at me. He is loving and cuddly. I personally cannot imagine why someone so sweet could be three times married. What happened? Well I decided not to ask those questions and just concentrate on how much I love him and what our life is together. Just had to say it..

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      JewelAnne Risalvato 10 months ago

      So, wow!

      Came across this article by accident, but I couldn't stop reading after hearing your feelings as I, too, am on my 2nd marriage but ours is his 3rd. First was long (20yrs + 4 kids, custody of 2 youngest in their mid teens when we married). Second was momentary and spontaneous, or the other way around: superficial. But always made me question his ultimate motives in marriage...

      We met, and have both always felt even if at different times in the beginning, that date was at hand. But 14 years later, we finally realize so many of the hard earned facts one might need to know as a previously married woman married a previously married man; children or no children/ before or after!

      I felt like your article was well spoken... Honest and I cannot be the only one to relate! But was just... Nice to hear that!

      I am actually friends with the first ex, mother of his oldest children, but this did not come easy for of us, or... For ANY of us!

      I think you could extend your article.. Unless I somehow missed the ending, it seemed abruptly ended! But you were on a track to above for so many! Covering so many similar but just different enough situations... That there are no rules for...! Mother in law's??? Ha! My own mother couldn't help me... Because as I just stated: there just aren't any rule books... No motherly, mother in law-ly, grandmotherly, any older woman of influence-ly... Advice. Maybe we can offer it back to our children in the future? Maybe they won't have more than one spouse because they'll have learned from our mistakes...? But if not, we won't judge them, only guide.

      In the meantime, thanks for the article... Makes me think a dual author (multi-author? What's that called??) Article or more... Could and should be written!

      Just like 'divorce' used to be a dirty word, now 'remarried' is... Or, 'he/she is on his/her (__fill in #__) marriage!'

      It's not like we're flying blind... But, we could lean on each other... In writing!

      Thanks again for the article!

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      Anonymous 11 months ago

      Thank -you for your honesty. I appreciate it. We are in the same circumstance as you. Both devoted Christians whose spouses were unfaithful and not interested in Jesus.

      We were both single parents a long time before marrying. That created some out of order priorities in both of us, but more for him as he focus entirely on his children and put them above everything. He is a great man, I am so thankful, but there are issues I couldn't have anticipated with the confused relationships with his adult children.

      I agree the trust issue takes time and patience to work out. His children are people he knew were always there no matter what. A woman , on the other hand, he has learned, they can burn you. It's already better, I can see us both resting in this Love God gave us for each other.

      I have felt alone, because the few people I have tried to talk about is this with, kind of make me feel like a Spiritual failure for not immediately loving my husband's adult children. It's very complicated. I don't dislike them. I try to be kind, respectful. I moved into the house they were born in, and so this also isn't a good dynamic. I definitely haven't felt like the, "woman of the house" That is improving with time and we have plans to move and establish our own household. When they move, or we do, having his adult children visit "us, "will be fabulous! I look forward to the visits. Figuring out my role is complicated. As adults, they don't need a mom or daily parenting. They don't have the kind of natural respect for another adult little children might. I can't really be a "friend", as I don't want to keep things from the father. Living with adult children of your spouse is not easy. I have thought, to my shame, that I wouldn't have married him, knowing what I know now, as long as the adult children were still in the home. That might make me an awful person, I don't know. My adult children of the same age, are far away. God , their father is watching over them!

      With God , all things are possible, even making these complicated things work, with His Grace and the fruits of His Spirit helping me. I know this has caused me to grow and understand second marriages in ways I just didn't before.

      Thanks for your honest article. It's really a challenge to find anyone who understands the dynamics. Since everyone has slightly different circumstances, as guess only God really gets what each is dealing with.

      Some of the stories in the Bible have helped. Many of the ones who gained the inheritance were seconds, starting with the Lord, Jesus Christ, as the "second Adam" Jacob, Rachel, Issac, were seconds, amoung others.

      One of the blessings in this, is seeing what God is doing to honor our faithfulness to Him. The one piece of advice I got from a second wife who deals with her husband's children from his previous wife is, "Be patient. Then be patient some more. When you think you can't be patient anymore, be more patient."

      There is so much more I want to ramble on about this topic, but I will wrap up. The Grace of God, His Love, will cover a multitude of sin. May you all, who are second wife's, be hopeful that through prayers and loving your man, the other things will into place. In most cases, we married a wiser, kinder, more mature man than the former spouse did. May your marriage and spirit be blessed. In God's economy, you are now , number One; no matter what anyone one else says, or how they treat you.

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      ed 11 months ago

      These articles should be mandatory reading for every teenage boy & girl. They should fully understand what lies ahead for at least 50% of those choosing marriage. People need to understand the myth vs the reality of marriage before making the decision to marry. No one wants to be alone but what price are you willing to pay for company? To what degree will you ALLOW someone to berate, insult and even physically assault you? The only thing worst that a failed marriage is the insult and absurdities of a Marriage Counselor.

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      Daisy 12 months ago

      This article completely hits home. I love him but I want something special just for me. Seems like hes been there done everything.

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      Ron Klutts 12 months ago

      Works both ways asshole, I am not troubled by your past. But you can't seem to get past yours. So you trash our relationship with your baggage. Ex used to do this, so don't do that.Who's fucking problem is that?Mine because I keep putting up with you!

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      roberto guerra 12 months ago

      I just want to know what to do my wife hates and disrespect my first born calling her al sorts of names to my face I don't want to leave her but I can't take her insults I have. 7 year old from a previous marriage and a 1 year old with my current wife what should I do

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      maria 13 months ago

      i am a 3rd wife and my husband is my 2nd marriage,not all second married are resentful,i have a wonderful marriage now,the secret for a happy marriage,is to put each other a priority,his happiness is mine too and vice versa.we love and care at each other so much.we put back the past and accept what has happen,past is a past it will never comeback.learn to accept each other flaws,when there's a problem talk ,be honest on what you feel,tell him/her what bothers you.open communication really help.and most of all trust.its our foundation,marriage should have the ingredients of love,respect ,trust ,care and understanding.

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      Kimmy K 13 months ago

      My fiance is divorced with 3 children and everything seems to be a mess because of his baggage now coming to light. I understand his former wife was money hungry and took him for every cent she could, but all of a sudden he says he wants separate bank accounts when we move in together and makes me feel like he doesn't trust me. I am actually thinking of walking away because I cannot be in a trustless relationship. Don't get me wrong, I would have done the separate account anyways because of his ex (as long as he's paying child support), to keep my finances private from her. But now he also wants to keep his leftover money after bills private and I refuse to be a part of that. Transparency is a must! The reason his marriage failed in the first place was because of financial secrecy, and I refuse to be a part of something like that. I just don't understand why all of a sudden I'm being compared to her and to what she did to him. Guess it's time to re-evaluate this relationship.

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      Brittany 14 months ago

      Every bit of this I am experiencing now. I'm trying everything I can to make it better but the effort is not being returned. My husband still talks to his ex wife (they have their daughter together) and he laughs and jokes with her all the time. Even sends pictures of our babies to her, tells her personal details of the day our babies were born and has even gone as far as letting his ex wife tear down my son's first bday cake before me or anyone else could get pictures or anything. Now it's been about 8 months since he's slept in the bed with me (res been sleeping on the couch). I have no idea what to do any more. Talking does not work he never listens. So I'm just forced to do my own thing until he decides what he wants to do or notices something is wrong.

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      andrew 14 months ago

      I was a step parent with my first wife and now have a girlfriend who I also have a baby with, along with my son from my first marriage. It's not easy on either side of it. I actually can't figure out which is tougher. There is a struggle and balance that is difficult to figure out. After a first "failuer" to your child/ren, it sometimes make you have feelings of completely protecting them. Escpecially during hard times which can just remind you that there is the possiblility that you can show this child, for a second time, that commitment isn't a real thing. That everything can be taken on a split second. That's a tough pill to swallow on the other side of this story.

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      Redwing95 15 months ago

      I'm new here and struggling. My wife is my first and I'm her 3rd. She is eleven years older than myself. We are polar opposites and all seemed good. For a while. I used to come home from work and seek her out to give her a hug and kiss to let her know I missed her. A few years ago, she started to brush me off and act uninterested in me even touching her. I persisted thinking she was probably going through something that I needed to be there for her. As time went on, she started sleeping in another room. The physical dropped off and things just became routine. I don't believe her to have had physical relations with anyone else. She just became detached from me. Snapping when I so much as talked. Then being sweet as pie when she chose to talk. I figure I'm pretty bad at using my spine as I never addressed it. I just let it be, almost in my mind being a self martyr. Spinless, I know. As time passed one day I went to use her computer and from being nosy, I discovered about the time she started to act strange she had a conversation with a sibling that was dogging myself and to my great dismay, my wife spoke terribly about myself and my family. Totally out of context for, the woman I knew. To top it off, there was a man that was emailing her love songs that I would come home to her listening to in hindsight. She never said anything innapropriate in her conversations with him. But she was sharing life events that she would barely speak with me about. When I confronted her, she said she never even paid attention to the emails. A flat out lie. I left the house in a rage. She begged me to come back. Hours later I came home and she was hurting and sorry. We made up physically that night. That was two and a half years ago. The last time we've been intimate. Recently I snapped at the attitude she has when we speak. I vented like an explosion of things dating back to day one. She didn't speak to me for three days. Then the only response she had was that I was miserable, now she was too. And that she guesses that we've got "decisions" to make. I told her that's not what I wanted, and that's where were at. There is much more small details on how I feel, but I am confused. Should I be even trying, is she done? Recently she went with friends to a festival that her friends have gone to for years. She comes back with minimal stories other than her new friend. She spoke of his wife, that wasn't there. I just found out since then she put more thought into telling him happy birthday than she ever did myself. I'm stumped, and not sure I am in the right place here. Any thoughts? Am I just a jealous nutjob?

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      Sarah 15 months ago

      I really related to the original post and felt reassured I wasn't some crazy women.

      I am a second wife my husband left his wife for me...or so i thought! He had 2 daughters with wife number one and puts them on a pedal stool. I feel pregnant and his response was.. Don't think this baby will take the lime light away from my girls!! Sadly I lost the baby and he didn't care at all. He has made no effort with my kids and still houses his ex who doesn't work whilst we have to rent and I work a really stressful job.He seems to put his ex and kids before me always.

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      Margaret 15 months ago

      Please know this is completely honest, and no one has forced me to write this. I am a 37 year old woman who has been trying for 9 years to get pregnant I finally got pregnant 2 weeks after I contacted Dr abacha on his website http:/abachasolutiontemple.webs.com/ It was simply amazing. I had history of recurrent miscarriages and was also diagnosed with genetic problems but using your system I got pregnant naturally at age 37& after 2 HSGs and 4 negative IUIs including 6 induction Clomid cycles and laparscopy. I had zero side effects.. God bless you and reward you. I HIGHLY recommend this product!"

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      shophia16 15 months ago

      hi, Im new and I dont know how this works, anywayI'm the second wife my husband just divorced his wife after I found out they were having an affair and he have 3 kids with her eldest 16 they come around weekends which mean they here whwnever they feel like beside the fix weekends cos we live 2 door away from them,anyway there is barely anything between us 2 and when I try he say he doesnt like women who asks for sex yet he been begging her for sex begging her to say she wants him and i was litterely sitting next to him, I have no effect on him like I dont exist and he says the reason he don't come near me is cos I put off cos we argue, his daughter is actyually the wife she decides where we go what we eat whenever we out or even home he consults her all time she knows when he coming from work if is gonna be late where he going, and what kills me is how he look at me I;ll turn and he is just looking at me with a hateful look its like his eyes r saying I fucking hate you so loud I just say why you hate me so much? and he will say im joking I know he is not, if I look at him and smile he looks away, he just looking for any reason to shout and swaer at me anything to pick a fight,and all I think is he is regretting his divorce all he care about is his kids and me Im just maid I have to make food clean and smile at his kids and feed them if I ask anything feeling wise or adress a look or something he said thats it for me Im nasty Im this n that.... this is just too much im cryng cant even write I dont know what to do anymoreafter all he done to me he is not even trying to make it up to me she control my house from hers she uses her kids and he dont mind and he knows I'm so tired picking up left overs I waited so many years with him that now that I'm here I dont want to end it cos I dont want her to enjoy the victory cos I know she is trying to destroy my marraige yet I'm exhausted fighting just for my basic rights as a wife, I am in a foreign country no family no friends absolutely nothing and he uses that against me ...any advice please anything

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      Molly 15 months ago

      Thank you for sharing. I'm glade I'm not alone.

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      15 months ago

      This is for some perspective on mistresses. I was young, and pursued by a man who told me he was divorced with a little 2 year old girl, who was delayed in her milestones. I was flattered, and felt so sorry for the little girl who seemed so neglected.

      After a time, I discovered he wasn't divorced. Had still been living with his wife! He tried to tell me that they were living together for cost and for the kid, but were still getting divorced. I had become a mistress! I was floored, but felt it was unfair to quit the relationship now. A few months later his mom told me that it's a good thing that his "ex" miscarried, as if I knew it was a recent concern. He was still sleeping with her! He looked sheepish, but wouldn't discuss it.

      Should have run then. But by then, I had such low self esteem and didn't realize it. He was such a user and emotionally drained me, I had no friends or support. Felt so betrayed, but by then, I didn't want to walk away from the poor little girl I saw often and I had heard such terrible stories about her mom.

      I was invited to the girl's 3yr birthday party. I finally met her mother, his soon to be ex wife. She was a wonderful person who treated her daughter well and was very kind to me.

      Everything he told me was a lie. I finally broke it off. The only one I miss is the little girl. I hope she grows up and has a good life.

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      Anonymous 16 months ago

      I'm a "second" and am becoming very resentful. His ex wife still uses the children to get to him, borrow things we own to help her but because the kids ask he thinks he's just doing the right thing and being a good dad because it's for his child through the ex wife. All the while, she's now remarried also, both her and her new husband gainfully employed. It drives me nuts. His ex wife also comes up in conversation, " this memory" " this relative of hers". I get she'll be "around" due to the children but have to wonder after 7 years of the two of us being together and 2 years of our own marriage, is the door EVER going to be shut? Feeling like a 3rd wheel lately.

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      Anon 16 months ago

      I had a wonderful relationship with my partner and his children, however recently found out I am unable to have a child of my own. Although he is very supportive I can't help but feel alone as he has his children, he hasn't missed out on anything. Ever since finding it his children seem to be acting really naughty making it difficult for me to cope with the situation, I am beginning to resent them being around. They currently share a room and we have room we were saving for a nursery, his oldest (6) has asked for this to be her bedroom which we said no to. Following a tantrum my partner has now repainted the room for her which broke my heart. I have started sleeping in there when they are at their mums.

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      Brooke 16 months ago

      I don't appreciate dads who tell women " I will never love a woman like my kids" "my kids come first" . It's a given kids come first. I don't need to feel like a second class citizen. I don't need to be constantly reminded I'm not worthy of your love. And yet these dads complain they can't find good women. Good attracts good. Rubbish attracts rubbish. Treat people how you want to be treated. Relationships are that simple!!!

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      Kanna 16 months ago

      Your situation isnt easy, yet with all you've been through you still want to make it work. If both of your husbands previous 2 wives were adulterers , who then would cut and run, and never looked back. With that in mind your husband is insecure, he probably feels that no wife new ,or old would want him, that hes not good enough to keep a women,so hes simply protecting himself from more heartache. As for your new mother in-law who didn't visit you in the hospital while giving birth. Do you think that the reason his family and mother dont care, and act cold towards you, might be due to the fact that they have had to watch the previous wives brake her sons heart, one time to many.She probably sees you as the next adulterer. All the while comforting her son. And for his children , they went through 2 ugly divorces with their mother (s) ,whom pretty much all but abandoned them. My point with both yous husband, and you stepchildren, and your in-laws have already been burnt twice, and they refuse to be burnt a third time.

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      Confused92592 16 months ago

      I don't suggest blended families. There are so many people involved plus, resentment and regrets from the past. Especially when adult kids do live in this new home that you are forming. If you are in doubt as to whether to marry/remarry - you should wait. Talk to your Pastor, ask for Godly advise. The Lord provides our Needs - He gives us Joy. No human being can Offer that. Get counseling before you become Angry and frustrated.

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      Pass the seconds 16 months ago

      I know this is such an old hub but I relate to it.

      I've read so many of these comments.

      It's such a common problem.

      My problem isn't resentment over not being "the first" or the fact he has children(now adults).

      It's that he feels such guilt over ending his first marriage and situations happening around that time that he has Never been present in this one. Unfortunately,he also carries emotional baggage from his second marriage.

      The adult children and I are not fans of each other.

      It got so bad they began basically cyber stalking me from place to place online.They don't see how downright creepy that is-in their mind they were right to do it and I'm the devil.

      It's a seriously dysfunctional(toxic) situation and given my husband has been and continues to be emotionally and at times physically abusive I am currently trying to get out of the situation entirely.We have no children together,thankfully.

      We can't even have a holiday meal together without him opining about past holidays(every.single.one.).

      Any efforts or going above and beyond,spending hours in the kitchen to see him post "it smells like Thanksgiving but I miss past holidays"

      then comment on what type of meal was prepared(past meals) doesn't make a "wife" feel appreciated or even wanted(or married for that matter).

      There are so many of these types of comments and blatant apathy for our marriage that have added up over the years that any connection I initially felt has dissipated.

      Our wedding anniversary,my birthday?What are those?

      My husband also uses language like, "We" , "Us" , "They" when talking about his past relationships/kids and that would be fine if it weren't for the language he uses while discussing "Ours"."I" , "Me" ,"Mine" , "You".It's disheartening.

      Don't expect sympathy from family or children because if you dare open up about the feelings it conjures you're vilified.

      It's suddenly-you want to erase his past and feed his children poison apples.

      In my case,I understand he has a past,he's just NEVER lived in the present.I'll not be putting myself in this kind of situation again if I escape this one.

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      Lost in England 17 months ago

      Amazing how many comments follow this article. So many women in similar situations...

      I googled "Living in the shadow of the Ex" looking for advice, and can only shake my head at how much pain follows loving someone.

      My first serious relationship was with a divorced man 20 years older with 3 daughters, the eldest just 4 years younger than I. I fought to make that relationship work for 6 years but in the end just made myself ill as the ex wife (an accomplished perfectionist with control issues) and 2 of the kids made life for us impossible. One week after I finally broke it off for good all my ailments (IBS, insomnia, depression...) went away. Being free from all the stress was liberating!

      I swore I'd never get involved with a divorced man again but found myself pursued by another recently divorced man. I fought getting involved but attraction is a force to be reckoned with. We got married when I got pregnant,and I reluctantly left my family and friends to move to the UK where my husband is from. (I'm American). Ironically, it wasn't until we moved close to my husbands family and friends that his ex wife ( who is also American and lives in America) was suddenly everywhere. Even though my husbands first marriage only lasted 2 years with no children, and they lived in America during those 2 years, she made a lasting impression on my husband and his family. I'll never forget sitting with my husband on a beach, holding hands and happily smiling at each other until he called me his ex's name. He tried to say it was a compliment because we were at a place where he and his ex had once been very happy. Right. Nice compliment.

      Then there was the "meet his family and friends" occasion where they were all to meet our 3 mth old baby. His aunt introduced my husbands best friend to me as the "best man at his wedding". His first wedding that is. Whoops. None of his friends made it to our wedding.

      What gets me now is that all of my husbands family and friends are still friends (on fb if not in person) with his ex wife and her family. They comment on each others lives. My sister in law has a photo of my husband, his ex and his dad on the same beach my husband slipped up and called me her name. My father in law for some reason always seems to have the photo album from my husbands first wedding out at his house. My husband refuses to watch/listen/do certain things because he did them with his first wife. When we argue he compares me to her in ways that make me inferior. Other times he tells me I would have gotten along with his ex. When we first met he told me what a bitch she was but as our marriage goes on I get the feeling he wishes he'd worked things out with his first wife, since he still mentions her after 3 years of marriage and 2 kids.

      I often wonder what the right approach is to these things. I believe that the right thing to do when a couple breaks up (if there are no kids involved) and a new relationship begins is to separate from the ex completely, and that goes for the family too. It is a constant stress among my husbands family and friends to not feel like second best. Their acceptance of me seems forced and I find myself not wanting to make the effort to be of importance to them, not while they are still part of his ex wife's life.

      What is the right thing for the family of your partner to do? Should one just suck it up and be secure enough to not care if they remain friends? I'm so sick of seeing photos from my husbands previous marriage at my in-laws. When I broke it off with my ex of 6 years I also broke off contact with his family and friends, thinking that was the fair and healthy thing to do. Why can't my husband and his family do the same? They were only married for 2 years!

      I do believe that we women must find confidence in ourselves to hold our heads high and not suffer the insults that come with being "second best", to love ourselves enough that no comparison can hurt us.

      If only our partners (and families) could have enough decency to support a second (or third) chance at love and let the ex RIP...

    • primpo profile image

      Primpo 17 months ago from Brooklyn, New York

      I am glad I came across this particular article. I was getting ready to post an article about my situation, so glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. This is my third marriage and his fourth. I feel so lonely sometimes and I was always outgoing and friendly and full of life and laughter. He is not physically abusive but I would say verbally and emotionally. His ex wife has two kids from him and then he is divorced from someone who is remarried and she still emails him or texts him every day. I am not supposed to be concerned about it. I have so many mixed emotions. I'm in my late forties and already have gone through so much stuff in my life. am wondering if it is worth it.. just venting. crying alot

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 22 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      My new husband and I are both in our third marriage.

      Although it is hard not to compare myself to the others who came before me, I know that we have chosen each other, and we are both committed to making this work.

      Thanks for sharing your experience.

      Namaste

    • craftybegonia profile image

      craftybegonia 22 months ago from Southwestern, United States

      I have two relatives who were second wive and both marriages ended sadly. After careful observation, all that you mention is true. One of the ladies mentioned had to contend with a stepson and the other was constantly compared with the first wife in a demeaning way. I think it depends on the individual.

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      Dj 22 months ago

      All I can say is my ex not only wAlked away from 4 awesome kids but never looked back so instead of addressing 1 side you should also write about how it is the other way.

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      Melissa 22 months ago

      And then there is me... The third wife... He has children to three different women... Someone please tell me why I didn't run from the day I found all that out... The oldest got pregnant at 16 with her first child, number two didn't fall to far behind... The middle daughter told every lie she could come up with and then some.. Her biggest being that she was raped in our home by a neighborhood boy and now the youngest daughter is cutting herself and mom thinks its no big deal and doesn't need counseling... Again why didn't I run... Far and fast...

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      Chandra 2 years ago

      My husband cheated me for so many years. He has a second women in his life without my knowledge ..Is this fair??

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      Kay 2 years ago

      Hmmm, as a first wife, I would say "where there is smoke, there is fire", the reason 2nd's get a bad rap is because many of them deserve it. My ex's 2nd is nice enough and I would never do anything to harm her (that's not my style anyway) but the truth is that if she hadn't run in and said "I'll pull my panties down", my ex and I would likely have worked things out and gone on to remember why we loved each other and married. Our children would also be happier. As to having children with the 2nd, well, honestly he shouldn't. If you you have children from a first marriage, it is offensive to the children to also be replaced by this "new" family. As to the 2nd in my situation, she is the same age as our oldest child - she will always be a joke and he has lost the respect of friends, family and his children. Will we all continue to be courteous? Sure because my children were reared properly and there is no point is commenting, it is like telling your friend they look fine because they have to walk out the door and there is nothing they can do to change it now anyway, why cause self-consciousness? If fewer women would rush into relationships with men who are barely divorced or in the process, I am willing to bet a lot of relationships could be salvaged but there is always some little bimbo who wants to jump in to a life she didn't earn. Admittedly, not all seconds fall in to the category I am discussing, I am just saying again "where there is smoke..." If the husband is paying an ex, they were likely in a long term marriage so...just saying. As a final note, the seconds may want to find out precisely why the first marriage failed, could have been an "outside" reason like addiction - doesn't have to be drugs either. This could explain why your new hubby is still friends with the ex, she didn't do anything, she just put her foot down and hoped he would step up, if he is married to you, he didn't and that doesn't bode well for your future.

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      Nicole Austin 2 years ago

      I really like this article. Sometimes, the first marriage or the first wife is not the right type of person for the man and they fall through, but the second wife could be the life long soulmate you know? I am a second wife and I agree with you on keeping the past in the past, and counseling has helped a lot too with any feelings of resentment.

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      winniepoo 2 years ago

      I found this article very interesting. From my point of view I have no sympathy for the second wife from my experience, although I do sympathise with the experience many people who have replied to this article.

      The personal experience of a relative of mine who is the ex-wife, the second wife has treated her very badly. I do not blame the second wife as she is an excellent stepmother to her husband's son but he must have told so many lies about his ex wife. The ex wife suffered many years of the husband's many affairs, lies and physical abuse. Evenutally she had a one night stand and told her husband. He could not wait to get out the door and moved in with the girl who is now his second wife within two weeks. He left her with many debts and saw his son about once a month in the first year.

      There is so much to this story but to make the point about second wives, after moving into her house he married her after approximately two years. The second wife has refused to meet the first wife or even talk to her on the phone. All communication has to be done through the husband or son. The first wife brought the child up herself for the first 9 years and because she had no help with the mortgage from her husband, she was made redudant and had to sell her home to pay back all the debts she was in. The first wife is devastated as the son has now gone to live with his father and the second wife and had to change schools. The first wife has never chased after he husband for help or contacted the new wife because her ex husband is very controlling and she says anything for a quiet life without him.

      This is the reason in this case I do not feal sorry for the second wife as she knew he was married when he first met her.

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      Gertrude 2 years ago

      Sue, whilst I appreciate your remarks, I too am a child of divorced parents, and do not advocate it at all, however what if a person had married someone who was vulnerable, had a rescue complex and married her because he thought he could fulfil it, and to add to his descision she was crying and upset becaue their dating hadn't worked out because they were wrong for eachother but she had to NEED TAKE HAVE , in order to have a "parent" as her own are lousy , he obliged. Hense allowed himself to be manipulated. Then had years of physical abuse and mind games.he then has a child with her to "change her". They then leave and file for divorce, leaving the guy chewed and spat out. Are they really expected to just have just that ONE experience of marriage and live their life SINGLE just because of what someone did to them and not be able to find a good partner who actually loves them? As they never married for love ? Do you think God would honour such a union? Do you think he is capable of helping us out of our mistakes ?

      This happened to my current Beau, and TBH why should a person have to miss out on love just because of what someone did to them?

      I do not believe people should divorce willynilly at all. All I am saying is the innocent party should NOT be held to ransom because of one person's sin. The Bible DOES NOT say you shall not remarry after abandonment, it says the person is NOT OBLIGATED to that person anymore they are free to leave . God requires us to honour our promises and covenants . If the other person doesn't THEY are the guilty ones not the innocent one. As for the IDIOT who says they cast a return spell well that is just plain witch craft and evil, it should not be played with or is it responsible, it could just be coinsidence he returned love.

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      loreen 2 years ago

      Try being the second to a widower with adult kids who compare every little move to their mother. We can't go on vacation without hearing " you never took mom on vacation " I knew what I was in for but figured it wouldn't be bad because they were adult. Boy was I wrong.

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      Pat 2 years ago

      Being the "second" or subsequent wife is the pits. It started during our engagement. My husband didn't want a big wedding because "he'd already had one". I should have walked in the opposite direction at that moment!! His sister couldn't come to our wedding because she already "had a vacation scheduled". His family gave me the cold shoulder for years. We were having breakfast with his mother and his 3 kids from the previous marriage - she said "What a nice family! Too bad it had to break up!" We had to attend an event with his ex-wife and his sister ran up to her, gave her a big hug, and talked to her all evening. His parents display photos of his ex-wife and the kids in their house and kept a copy of the photos from his first wedding. My husband constantly talks about incidents from his first marriage as well as intimate details of his kids' births. I don't want to hear that!! I don't constantly bring up details of my past relationships so why does he think it's ok for him to do so?? Yea, he wasn't that thrilled when I had 2 kids because he's already seen that before too. We went to a friend's house after we were first married and the friends hauled out photos from a picnic 2 years before that which included my husband and his ex-wife. We had to sit around and look through these photos. Yes, I feel like the 5 th wheel constantly. DON'T MARRY A DIVORCED/WIDOWED MAN UNLESS YOU'RE READY TO HAVE YOUR NOSE RUBBED IN IT CONSTANTLY BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS AND I FIND IT VERY ANNOYING! YOU WILL NEVER GET THE RESPECT AND STATUS OF A "FIRST" WIFE!!!!

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      Kim 2 years ago

      For women who are dating a divorced man with children, please reconsider and learn what challenges and baggages are laying ahead and waiting for you when you marry a divorce man with kids and become a second wife. You need to reevaluate what you really want. Do you really want your husband's first experience? Do you want to be his priority? Do you want a marriage that is just you and your husband and your kid? If you do, then please walk away while you still can. Divorced men come in a relationship with drama and baggage from his first marriage and exwife, and really not worth for you to stress over it. You deserve to find and be with a man who can treat you the way you deserve and want. Good luck, ladies!!

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      JPatt 3 years ago

      I am marrying for the first time next year. My fiancé has been married twice before me so I get to be wife no. 3. He has 2 children from wife no. 2 and the only time wife no 1 has come up is when my soon to be mother in law made me look at their entire wedding album! In her words "it was such a beautiful wedding and maybe I could get some ideas from it"..... really? She even went as far as to pull out the decorations from weddings 1 & 2 and tell me I should use them in my wedding!... to me that is ridiculous but I'm getting off subject. Wife no 2 uses the kids to treat him like a puppet. We are starting a huge custody battle trying to get primary custody of the boys and as I have been the primary caregiver to them it kills me that the lawyers say I have no rights and I just have to sit back.... again off subject. What I want to ask is wife no 2 still has his last name and refuses to change it. It makes me not want to take his name so my question is, is it wrong of me to refuse to take his name BC wife no 2 still has it?

    • Ashley Ryan P profile image

      Ash Ryan 3 years ago from Red Dirt Country

      I didn't even know this was a thing!!

      We're soon to be married. It's his second marriage and my third lol!! But the first time either of us are getting married for love.

      Great read! Kinda hurt my heart that people feel this way :/

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      DM2 3 years ago

      Lost in the space,

      I and a third and I hate it, too. I wonder how long has you been married. Hope not long as 10 years as mine. Your situation is better than mine was that you had a job and friend. If I was you with your age right now and you think you can be able to have your own child, please find someone else who wants to have kid with you, so you can be able to have your own family. Please, don't wait too long like me. Ten years in married, no kid, no family and friend around, no job, English is my second language, and big 50 coming up next year with not be able to have any my own children anymore. Feeling lonely, hopeless, useless most of time.

    • Javed Ur Rehman profile image

      Javed Ur Rehman 3 years ago from Karachi, Pakistan

      Well all people don't have simple life, there are various people who are living the life which they never expected.

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      Sue 3 years ago

      First of all I would like to say that I am sorry for all your pain Becki with all my heart. I'm not sure if you are a women of faith or not but I am a Christian and would like to explain in my opinion why second wives suffer so much. God is very clear in the bible exactly why this happens. "The World" believes they can divorce based on too many reasons to count. In the bible people misinterpret it to include a few "out" clauses giving them the right to divorce. None are true! The only way out of a marriage is death. If there is abandonment or adultery or "divorce", ( which is a word in the in the bible relating to a contract made with a man and women to become married. If the marriage is not consummated that is when theu were talking about allowing divorce. Man!! Not God!! Now or ever!!) a man or a women is to stay unmarried or you will be committing adultery. No where in the bible does it say you can remarry. God does this for our benefit not His because he knows the pain it causes us and our children for life! When you have sexual relations you are creating a soul tie. When you get married you are not just married by the state but have come into a covenant with God! That covenant can never be broken. That is why your husband will forever be connected to his first wife. It is because of a hardened heart that they divorced nothing else. And his kids are Not your kids or your grand kids! They just aren't. Thank you for being kind to then though. As a wife waiting for her husband to return I appreciate that the other women at least try's to be kind to or children. I follow Rejoiceministries.org. This world has it backwards when it comes to marriage. Please stop the pain by not remarrying. Either stay with your spouse or stay single. Your kids especially do not need a replacement! And grand kids! If you have remarried please remember you are commuting adultery every day you stay in the marriage. God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. We changed he rules and look what happened. Pain!! Especially the kids. By who cares right? It's all about what we want. Who cares who gets hurt as long as we feel better today! We are on this earth a very short time but eternity lasts forever. What we do while on this earth, dictates what we will do for eternity. Think about it please. Thank you.

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      Joni 3 years ago

      Aurel123,

      I am living this life and I would be lying to you if I told you it was easy. Yes, second families can work but only with the help of God. When my husband and I had our own kids, it opened up another door of emotions for his ex-wife. She hated my kids and she wasn't ashamed to show it. We have been married for almost ten years and she still does not acknowledge my existence. Our marriage was difficult for along time because I dealt with the jealous feelings that you mentioned. When I talked to my husband, he felt that I was taking it out on him. We got into terrible arguments about this. It was like we went around the same 'mountain' for years. We are just now maturing enough to be able to discuss our feelings without taking it out on each other. I just needed to be 'heard'. He was only able to 'hear' me and acknowledge my feelings last year. Let's just say, you and him will deal with emotions, especially if you are dealing with an angry ex-spouse. Our relationship has gotten a lot better, it just takes time and God to work it out.

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      Joni 3 years ago

      I'm the second wife and I ca feel the painful emotions rising up in me as I read your hub. There is a lot of truth in your writing. It is a 'hard' life to live, especially if you don't feel loved by your husband and you have to deal with the angry ex-wife. I pray that my kids never have to live this kind of life.

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      Aurel123 3 years ago

      Hi,

      Hoping someone might be able to give me some guidance.

      I'm in a completely loving relationship with a man (26) who will do anything for me. We're not married but have discussed marriage and children.

      He met his 'first' girlfriend when he was 17. She already had a boy which he took on and has been a devoted father to him ever since. They also had a girl who is absolutely beautiful and he would do anything for her. 3 months before they were due to marry, she told him she didn't love him any more and they broke up. Since then, he has done everything to be a part of his children's life where she seems to do very little to help him in this. I cannot fault him for this, it make me annoyed that she uses him but the sentiment behind it is one of the reasons I love him so much.

      Although I appreciate the requirements of his children, I do still feel the jealousy towards his first family which I am trying to come to terms with and discuss with him openly and honestly.

      My main concern is supported by the negativity I have read through these posts. Since the only person I know who has been through the same situation is my partner (with his boy), I am struggling with the lack of support from my friends and family. The overriding advice is to leave him, not because of our relationship or the kids, but because of 'what I could have with someone else with none of this baggage'.

      Do second families ever work? Am I settling by not giving myself the opportunity of a 'first' marriage? I know it will be difficult and I am prepared for that, but I am only 23 and is that naiveté?

      Any help would be much appreciated :) thank you.

    • Everyday Miracles profile image
      Author

      Becki Rizzuti 4 years ago from Indiana, USA

      The best thing that you can do is to involve her. Don't make her feel left out and include her in the way that the kids are raised. It's when the girlfriend or second wife feels pushed out that major problems begin to arise.

      My personal issue was that the children of the first marriage were favored by my husband and ultimately by his family as well. I felt as though nothing was new or special with my children when they were born. This is apparently pretty typical for women who are in a marriage to a man who has been married before.

      The pressure is on *you* to make her fee special, as though she's the first. Your children are important: There's no argument that they aren't important to you. But they cannot be elevated above your relationship with your significant other and any children that she brings you in your relationship with her.

      Being a step-mother is very hard and it's difficult to know what boundaries are okay to cross and which ones aren't. I won't tolerate my step-children being put before my daughter. If it's a matter of feeding her or getting birthday gifts for them, she needs to eat first.

      Essentially what I'm saying is that you need to build both relationships. Both the one with your girlfriend and the one with your children.

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      LostLostLost 4 years ago

      GF wants me to give up kids. She "hates" my kids. Never met them. We are great together other than this "matter". Especially after these posts, she thinks the kids will bring nothing but bad vibes and trouble. These are MY kids. What do you think?

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      sad 4 years ago

      I gave up my whole world for my hubby, I am the younger, prettier 2nd wife. I have been google searched, tortured by his x wife, sisters and family. Nothing but terrible judgement. He has 50/50 custody and all his ex wife does is call or butt in on our time w the kids. I secretly watch the clock tick, its the house of madness. The girls are beyond spoiled and call their mom all day long while at our house. My hubby fights w ex and i go to take my dog for long walks. I can not hv my own baby it has been hell trying. So now i feel absolutely stuck, embarrassed over a newly failed marriage, while being young. I live in a house of cards. I would never re marry again. There is no worse place in the world than being a 2nd wife and a step mom. My husband to me is not the same man at all, how can he live in this war zone shot! My advice to anyone is to exit, I swear i have gotten white hairs just being w him for 2 years. And now I have to seek out blogs for help and support, as its shameful to talk about how I really feel.

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      andrea 5 years ago

      For Lesa, if we women had a the magical crystal ball to know the future, for sure we would not commite the mistake to marry a man full of baggage past. In my case, the man i married, convinced me I was gonna be happy with him , actually he lied to me telling me his exwife would not be involved in his life as much, he is 20 years-=-=-09-e, usually those older men look for younger inexperience girls to persuade them to get marry, in my case I was blind and this guy was very convincing.

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      Holly 5 years ago

      Sunita...you are NOT a second wife.. sorry..but your a mistress... He is STILL married..so your a miss and a MISTRESS .. you know it and so does your boyfriend. What a mess you are in .. and it is clear this man does not respect you .. but do you respect yourself??

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      Lisa 5 years ago

      I am sorry, but do any of you have any compassion for the children of your man's first wife?! How do you think they feel, when their daddy leaves their mommy, marries a new trophy, and has kids with her? How self-centered can you be! If you didn't want to deal with it, why the eff did you marry someone with baggage.? The "soul mate" crap is bs, by the way.

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      sunita 5 years ago

      I am second wife with no legal rights. He hasn't divorced his first one. he is not able to give me any child or any short of satisfaction. now it has been around 20 years. my girl is 13 years old now. One day FIRST came with her two young boys and threaten me and my daughter to leave their father otherwise they will kill us. i am working in my husbands firm only and he is not ready to release me to work elsewhere. No place to go with my baby. it is very very painfull. i just need a reapectable job. sunita

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      Annie 5 years ago

      Oh Mchelle, so sorry for you. I suggest you address the issue ASAP for ur own sanity as well as ur childs. Polygamy is a serious offense in the states and i hope it can sorted out before it gets ugly. If not for urself, think of your child.

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      Annie 5 years ago

      Wow, great comments. I really enjoyed reading all these posts. Im 26 and not married and reading this has really opened my eyes. I know right now i probably feel immune to all these emotions and its really something else once ur faced with it. Its amazing how many people are affected in how many different ways. I feel terrible for people who feel inadequate, its truly not their fault, and the children that get dragged into the mess don't ask for it. I imagine all this drama wreaking havoc on their impressionable minds.

      Some of the stuff is straight out of novels, never did i imagine the reality of it.

      i wish u all luck and a happy life.

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      Michelle 5 years ago

      Hi to everyone who can read this. I need help and never told my situation to anybody yet.

      While i was cleaning my husband car saturday may 26, 2011, i found a letter dated november 2009 it was from his wife looking for him. The wife was asking about him and why he is hiding from her and their 3 kids and she was saying that their not divorced yet.

      I felt so betrayed and i thought i was his only wife and we only had our son. I haven't told him yet what i learned and pretend evrything is ok.

      It so hard that i couldn't tell my family and i don't know what to do. I need some advice pls help me

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      Maureen 5 years ago

      I'm so sorry to hear so many struggling with this. My husband is my 3rd, I'm his 4th (in defense of both of us our last marraiges were when I was 23 and he was 27..so, youth and stupidity at play, we're in our late 40's now).

      When we met, my husband was really wrangling with damage done in his previous relationships (including two serious girlfriends after the end of his last marriage). In fact, our first argument was over me telling him on our second date that he was sooooo not ready to date as it had only been two months since his last relationship ended. And I think that's what he most likely did with all of his relationships, used the next one to get over the last one. I chose not to date at all until my children got older after my last divorce (a span of 15 years).

      My current husband and I spent two years really being just friends (because of the argument on the second date). I wasn't up for jumping into a marriage with someone clearly carrying around unresolved issues from past relationships. Obviously we did end up together, but it took a lot of time and a lot of patience. And, honestly, it is less complex because he doesn't have any children. I have five, so I think that's sufficient :)

      Hubby and I were talking about this "second choice" thing not all that long ago. And I don't believe either of us has ever felt I was a "replacement" or "second"...even though he does talk about some fond memories of his previous wives along with the irritation and hurt. I suppose I just assume that the previous relationships on both our parts were misjudgements, that we were not really well matched with any of our former spouses. I also think taking the time to recover from ended relationships before diving into another plays a huge part in why neither of us feel like "replacements".

      On the other side of this, my second husband remarried not too long after we divorced and from what I have witnessed myself along with random comments my children have said, I think my ex's new wife is really feeling what most of you have said. And I know for a fact my ex has used me as a weapon against her. (He actually said to her in front of me, "Why can't you be more like Maureen?" I don't really care for this woman but even *I* wanted to slug him for being such a moron.)

      I suppose what I'm trying to say is this; you have to heal, and your spouses have to heal before you can build. You have to draw a line in the sand of what you will and won't live with while acknowledging that you cannot control what any other person does. You have to talk...not scream, yell, threaten..but really talk about the issues, about how you feel no matter how afraid, or silly, or insecure you may think it is. If the person you are with is worth the effort of a lifelong relationship then they are worth the risk of putting yourself out there emotionally. If they aren't worth that risk, you need to cut them loose.

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      Tan 5 years ago

      YOU ARE THE WIFE NOW, IF HE DIVORCED, IS FOR A REASON... LET GO OF YOUR FEARS AND INSCURITIES... yes you will never be the first, of anything, because he has a past!! you hsoul've thought about it in the first place, you have to accept that fact!! and that is ok! you have a new different especial place.... you have to earn your in laws trust and love.... if they don't want you, ok, it does hurt, but you focus on your husband and your baby,don't let anyting bother you! he is the imporatntthing for you... not the other people.... he is with you, and he loves you!! I DON'T THINK HE THINKS OF HIS EX AS YOU THINK, otherwise he wouldn't have divorced her!!! accept his past and enjoy the future!!!!

      or you will be past too!!

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      OMK211 5 years ago

      I am a 2nd wife and it is bothersome at times! But since I am Catholic, I do not count his first marriage as valid. They were not married under God as their witness. Therefore I consider myself his first wife. I am so madly in love with this man I chose to spend the rest of my life with. Even though he has two children from his ex, I never wish it to be differently. One of the reasons why I fell in love with him is because I admired him for being such a wonderful father! I also must add that I am 11 years younger than my husband and he has been divorced for over 5 years now. The only thing that bothers my about his ex is how ugly she is and how she tries so hard to keep close bonds with my husbands family. It is so annoying. I just think certain boundaries shouldn't be crossed, and she's crossed more than enough for me not to care about her. I do get along with her, I am civil, plus I rather us all get along for the children's sake. But I am done with her trying to stay close to my husbands family and I am done with her trying to use her power over my husband, just because she has 2 of his kids! Sorry. It doesn't work like that! I try to just leave it all in Gods hands, and be a good person and do that right thing, but yes....being a second wife can be difficult. At the end of the day, I've never felt more complete then being by my husbands side every night!

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      Sanne 5 years ago

      Valegrl: It does seem to be hard to find some uncomplicated happiness these days. I really hope things have turned to the good for you now.

      I do think it should be possible to have a working blended family but it is pretty much impossible if your partner and his ex can't communicate and somehow seem to forget the kids come first. Also not setting clear rules for the kids will bite you in the ass.

      I guess that my last unpopular point is that the stepkids don't come before everything else but the family does. My husband does get that but sometimes seems to have a hard time getting to the core of the problem and working on a solution from there. But he's working on it hard now. His youngest daughter actually helped me clean up after dinner yesterday without even being asked to do so...that was a first...she also addressed me directly at least 3 times to ask me something. Just little things but made such a big difference...hope she sees it too and will continue on this path.

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      Valegrl 5 years ago

      I may be older and wiser...I offer up my story. I was married for 17 yrs. We had two children, a daughter and son. I rebounded into a second marriage with someone who had never had children...big mistake with two teenagers and an interfering ex-husband. It only lasted 4 years. Years later I lived with a man who had his 4 younger children every other weekend and sometimes living with us. His ex was unreal and at the point where he was going to get full custody of all four, she offered to move him into her house and raise the kids together (platonic of course). He could hardly contain himself as he actually thought she wanted him back! I moved out and it was such a relief I vowed I'd never even date someone with young children since mine were adults. Four years of promises and working my A-- off for what? I was single for 12 years and remarried a third time. He milked me for $18,000 in the first year and I promptly annulled the marriage. I met my last husband three years later and we've been married for almost a year. He is widowed and she was killed in a car accident they had. He feels so much guilt and tells everyone she was the love of his life. It's HER two children from prior marriages that have accepted me with open arms and so has his daughter from his first marriage. I've been told by many who knew her that she is a hard act to follow. He says he doesn't want me to feel "second best" and I think "to late, you already did". I've been open and honest with my husband about my feelings and bless his heart for trying his hardest to put the past where it belongs and move forward with OUR life. I don't begrudge him holding HER in his heart but I will not walk in HER footsteps. I make my own path and stand on my own. Thank God for his children, my children and HER children helping "us" to make a family. I believe you have to maintain a healthy self-esteem, expressing the truth and honesty of how you feel, even when it hurts. I also believe God had to be in your lives to give strength and love.

      Do not put up with abuse (emotional or physical) and certainly DO NOT allow this to happen to your children, whether yours from a prior marriage or together. Don't allow yourselves to be a doormat, you are worth more than that.

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      Sanne 5 years ago

      Well...had a looong talk to my husband yesterday and he fully agrees that he dropped the ball bigtime when it comes to his daughters. He's going to use the coming week for talks, talks and more talks to get them to see that they have to change their ways for this blended family to work. Everybody needs to work together for this to actually have a chance.

      So fingers crossed that there might be a little brighter future. It's not going to make up for all the hurt from the past but if we can make it work to not let my husbands previous life rule our current but to blend it together to a happier mix than I'm happier than I've been in a looong time...

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      Sanne 5 years ago

      I'm a first wife but second mother. I love my husband with all my heart, he's my best friend and soulmate. But all the bagage that came from his previous relationship (he had 2 daughters with her) is driving me nuts more than ever. I was very naïve diving into this thinking that we could conquer everything together. Also read many articles about blended families and how it takes years for a family like that to stabilise and feel like a real family. I'm still waiting after 8 years...still doesn't feel like a family. Having the kids every other week just makes them not part of either house. They don't seem to be very attached to either parent and treat the houses more like a hotel than a home.

      We've been married for 4 years now and together for 8 years...way longer than his previous relationship. But all these years helping him deal with everything and to assist him in parenting his kids, shuffling yourself to the side because aren't the kids the most important thing (as you read in most articles about stepparenting and stepkids). Now 8 years later I'm just tired of it all...we have two gorgeous boys together who brought my husbands' family closer together. But I hate it that we can never become the family I had hoped for...I can try to make things as cosy as possible but if you only get this cold shoulder from his kids who take but never seem grateful or happy about what they get (which my kids, young as they are, do show) than you just get sad and resentful.

      Tomorrow his kids come here again. My stomach hurts...it's a week of no privacy (not possible in this house) and no alone time with my husband. I will feel like a stranger in my own home. Why don't we see more of these kinds of posts on the net and help for us in this 'secondhand' relationship. I wish I would have had a bit more of an idea what I was getting myself into before I made the decision to spend the rest of my life with this man.

      I think marriage is forever and my husband is my soulmate but this whole situation only makes me feel lonely, isolated (you can't really seem to talk to anybody about this) and very, very sad.

      So when is it our turn to be happy???

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      Stephanie 5 years ago

      Everything happens for a reason.. Nothing in life is perfect.. Fairy tales are not real. Don't sweat the small stuff or worry about things you cant change. Don't settle, but don't look for perfection so hard you never find it.. My parents are both second marriages , been married 26 years.. Happily! Im their child! :) they both never treated me less important than their first kids ( i don't call them half brothers, i just call them brothers) and we are all happy! I actually think im the favorite ! Haha! Im the baby , and only girl.. My brothers adore me! Love can come twice, and even better than ever!!

      Why am i here though? I recently got involved with an older man who has one son and an ex wife ..( hes been divorced for ten years, and hasn't seen her since, and hardly speaks to her ) but i digress... When i first started talking to him none of this mattered lol... I'm 25 and casually dated, enjoyed sex, ect...

      It all only started to bother me once i realized i was in love! Haha .. I just felt insecure all of a sudden!

      He's amazing though.. Tells me he loves me all day.. Makes me feel more loved then ive ever felt.. Tells me he has never felt this way about any one before , and that he knew deep down he had been searching for me his whole life ..

      Its a fairly new reltionship.. And i just don't want to be insecure any more about it !

      ( i wont get into details of their divorce, realkstically it doesn't matter.. It ended for a reason.. No need to dwell why )

      But i am 25, young, smart, pretty , and in love ... I just fear the unknown.. The "what if's" lol.. I fear all of your situations !

      ( i have insecurities/ baggage from being cheated on and lied to and manipulated in my past )

      Well.. He's so wonderful to me .. And no matter what the future will bring , i want to enjoy the moment .. Because i love the way we are together.. Were best friends ! And he talks about me to his family and friends often! His mother seems excited for him too, i think! He's excited ! He is like a young boy in love when it comes to me! Lol. He stares at me with passion..

      I really should be more greatful.. I just cant help the scars ive had on me.. Time heals all wounds though..

      Are we alllwed to share email addresses here ? I wouldn't mind making new "second wives" friends ( As i would be one if i married him one day lol )

      I could offer an ear to any one , or advice!

      I only can say i hope all of you try to remember that you are the makers of your own happiness.. If you think positive and wish to be happy, then you will be! Dwelling on negativity and sad feelings only keeps you sad .. And if you are truly unhappy... Walk away.. Even temporarily ..

      There is no easy answer.. And thers is no right or wrong amswer.. Only what is best for you!

      But my parents are living proof second times a charm! I wouldn't be here without them! Remember that, too.. The children are blessings in disguise .. Us "second time marriage" children thank you for life. ! :)

      I love you all! And you are good people! Hang in there!!

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      Carol 5 years ago

      My story is of marrying a widower with 4 children 2 females who hate me, one son who barely tolerates , and another who's completely indifferent! I went into this one with one daughter, who has, accepted my husband and family arms wide open, but is also left to feel like an outsider, but does not complain, just accepts it! (No waves or confrontations for her) I'm also faced with his friends, who don't care for me, one who's also a widow, (my husbands best deceased friends wife) whom I have a gut feeling was waiting around for my husband to realize they were soul mates, simply by the way she throws her arms around my husband, hugs, and kisses him, and treats me as if I'm completely invisible! My husband claims no interest in her other than friendship, but I believe there's an emotional bond going on there! We all took a group photo last year, she's square in the middle of the photo, I was on the side! The photo ended up as his desktop on his iPod, and when opened she's square in your face, and I'm completely cropped out! His knowing that I don't care for her at all stemming from the disrespect, and treatment that I've received from her over the years, makes me wonder why he would use this photo, that I am clearly cut out of! I don't think I have the strength!