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My Boyfriend Forgot My Birthday - Should I Be Mad?

Updated on June 19, 2017
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After seeing many friends (or himself) seduced by love, only to crash and burn afterwards, Jorge writes advice based on his observations.

When Your Boyfriend Forgets Your Birthday

Birthdays are very special days for most of us. It's the one day in the year when we get tons of (maybe undeserved) respect from others, and sometimes free stuff! Even if you're not the kind of person to make a big deal out of your birthday, you usually expect some kind of acknowledgement. It just shows that people care.

So HOW DARE he forget your birthday, right? Does he just not care about you at all? Are your feelings not important to him? If he can remember when the latest season of his favorite TV show is going to premiere, is it really that hard to just remember your friggin' birthday?

While your perspective is completely valid and understandable, you might be able to calm your fury if you consider a few things first:

Birthday cake. He would have bought you one, if only he had remembered.
Birthday cake. He would have bought you one, if only he had remembered.

Should I Be Mad?

First of all, your emotions are not a matter of "should" or "should not." Your emotions are just things that you feel, and they don't necessarily mean anything. Probably, you will be mad against your own will either way, so even if you "shouldn't" be mad, there's not really anything that you can do about it in the moment.

You will be mad (or you won't). That's it.

Having said that, when someone asks "should I be mad?" usually they are asking if they should subject someone else to the emotion. In other words, you're probably asking if it is right or correct to express your anger to your boyfriend--or if you are just being silly.

This really depends. The big question is why are you mad?

Is it because your boyfriend forgot what day it is?

No. If he forgot what date it was on the calendar yesterday or last week, it would be weird for you to be mad about it, right? Your boyfriend probably forgets the date and even the day of the week all the time. You probably do, too.

Is it because your boyfriend is forgetful in general?

Probably not. Maybe this bothers you a bit, but it's probably no reason to be mad.

Is it because your birthday is important to you?

We're getting closer, but this is probably not the root reason. While birthdays are important to most people, that just means your birthday is important to you. It doesn't explain why you would be mad if someone else forgot.

Is it because you think this means your boyfriend is inconsiderate?

This is probably closer to the real reason. If you think about it, we're never really mad at the things people do to us (or fail to do), we're mad at what it means to us. Different people give things different meanings.

Your birthday clearly means something different to you than it does to your boyfriend. This doesn't mean that it's meaningless to him, just that he sees it differently.

You may see his forgetfulness as a sign that he doesn't think about you or care about you enough. He might see his forgetfulness as a sign that...he just tends to forget what the date is on most days.

"My boyfriend forgot my birthday. Time to strap on these gloves and smash his face daintily."
"My boyfriend forgot my birthday. Time to strap on these gloves and smash his face daintily."

Unreasonable Expectations

Ask yourself: If you simply told your boyfriend that it was your birthday, and he congratulated you and offered to take you out, would you still be mad?

If the answer is yes, then the reason you're mad is probably because he didn't remember your birthday on his own. It doesn't "count" in your mind if you have to remind him. It doesn't show how much he cares.

Have you ever made it clear to him that this was important to you, though? Did you ever communicate to him specifically that it meant a lot to you that he remember your birthday and spontaneously call you on your big day?

If not, then you have no reason to be angry with him.

Different people have different standards for how they show love. He might be showing love to you in a completely different way that you may not be noticing.

While maybe you were raised in a household or a culture where birthdays are a big deal, he might not have been. In other words, it's not just "common sense" to put effort into remembering someone's birthday.

If you did not set the standard early in the relationship that you want acknowledgement and celebration for something, don't be shocked if you don't get it. Be clear and upfront. (From a guy's perspective, this "hint" thing really doesn't work and it isn't fair. Seriously.)

While it's natural to be hurt when someone's actions don't live up to your expectations, always ask yourself if your expectations are honestly reasonable. This may not dull the hurt much, but it will tell you if someone really does deserve to hear your complaints. It can also help you realize that maybe he wasn't being inconsiderate--he just wasn't aware of what you wanted in the first place.

Unspoken Knowledge

Do you think that your boyfriend should "just know" that your birthday is important?

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More birthday cake. Writing this article is making me hungry.
More birthday cake. Writing this article is making me hungry.

What to Do If Your Boyfriend Forgets Your Birthday: Being Honest With Him

What should you do if your boyfriend forgets your birthday and you realize that you're mad, even though he didn't know better?

The best you can do is try to keep the incident from happening again in the future. Many times we don't even realize the little things that are important to us until someone fails to deliver. Take this as an opportunity to tell your boyfriend about it after you have calmed down.

Tell him in rational, non-accusing way that you would like him to remember and celebrate your birthday next time. Explain how it's important to you and makes you feel valued. Let him know how happy it makes you when he acknowledges your special day.

Lay it all out for him in a very obvious, unambiguous way. Any caring person would respond to that. Chances are, he'll resolve to remember next time and will take your honest vulnerability to heart.

If he responds instead with hostility or by taking things personal, then he may have picked up vibes that you're angry at him. Then again, some people take things personal no matter how nice you are about it. You'll have to consider whether it's even worth communicating with him if that's the case.

On the other hand, if he responds with indifference and says he will make no effort in the future, then you're dealing with someone who doesn't want to make the least bit of effort. Remembering a birthday isn't that hard once you know it's expected. It's as easy as just plugging a reminder into your phone.

Part of being in a relationship is compromising on the tiny, little things that are insignificant to us, but that mean a lot to our partner. If he can't do even this, then that's a red flag.

Happy Birthday

So your boyfriend forgot your birthday. That can be annoying, but it's a relatively small annoyance considering all of the other things that are going on in your life (and his). Try to put it into perspective.

Anyway, all is not lost! Let him know how you feel and have him take you out for a night on the town. Maybe he didn't remember on his own, but sometimes people need help with the details. Try not to hold it against him.

More importantly, Happy Birthday!

Get out there and celebrate!
Get out there and celebrate!

Forgetting Your Birthday - How Often Does It Happen?

How many times has your boyfriend forgotten your birthday?

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© 2017 Jorge Vamos

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    • thehands profile image
      Author

      Jorge Vamos 5 months ago

      @Chitrangada Sharan

      Yes, I agree. It's best to not take this sort of thing too seriously. Helpful reminders are a must for those of us who are forgetful, too. (I forget people's birthdays all the time.)

    • ChitrangadaSharan profile image

      Chitrangada Sharan 5 months ago from New Delhi, India

      Interesting topic for a hub!

      I believe if someone forgets someone's birthday , it doesn't mean that there is lack of love. There could be other important priorities. May be he otherwise remembered but forgot on that particular moment/ day.

      It should not be taken too seriously. Best way is to remind the other person the previous day or on that day.

      It's unnecessary to take it seriously and spoil the all important day that is your birthday.

      Thanks for sharing!