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5 Reasons Why Long Distance Relationships Never Work

Author:
long-distance-relationships-never-work

People in long distance relationships are like the kid in your class who does the extra hard math problems at the end of each section just for fun. Or the person who wakes up at 4AM to run 16 miles every day, up a mountain in the rain. They're doing what most of us do, except they're making it a thousand times harder than it needs to be. Relationships are often confusing, brain-hurting messes of enigmas, even without 5000 miles in between you and your significant other. Add distance in and hoo boy, are you in for a bumpy ride.

Never is a harsh word. But it's easier to say than "More often than not, these relationships don't work out" or "In most cases, they usually don't work out." So what I really mean is: Here are some reasons why you should think twice before starting a long distance relationship. Because they, more often than not, in most cases, don't work out.

1) It's Hard to Trust Someone You Hardly See in Person

You're putting a lot of faith in someone far far away, who you often have no reliable means of checking up on (internet video chats don't count). Building trust is a key component in any relationship, and building that trust requires face time. It's being able to look into that person's face and see his commitment to you. Seeing it in person.

When it comes to trust, talk is cheap. Anybody can say they're trustworthy. Anyone can say they love you. But you need to see it to believe it. Real genuine trust is shown in a person's actions, not just words. In long distance relationships, you see each other so infrequently that it's tough to build up that trust. You visit each other, then go back to your separate lives, without a clue what the other person is doing while you're away for the next 5 weeks. How are you supposed to build long lasting trust?

2) It Usually Leads to Cheating

Unfortunate, but true. Not in every case, but in many. Let's face the facts: Your significant other is miles and miles away, you're lonely and depressed about it, and there are tons of single people in the town where you live. Statistically, you're probably going to think about cheating.

Unlike cheating when your significant other lives down the block, cheating in long distance relationships is slightly understandable. [Though by a very meager percent. Cheating is terrible, and I highly suggest not doing it to anyone.] You can't see your significant other whenever you want, unlike in most relationships, and you're only human. Most people would only be able to hold out for so long before the arms of somebody way more convenient (and local) start looking real good. If you're one of the good ones, you'll end your long distance relationship before it comes to the cheating stage. But it's easy to be tempted if you're thinking there's no way your significant other will find out about your straying.

3) Distance Leads to Frustration. Frustration Leads to Fighting. Fighting Leads to Break Ups. It's the Inevitable Cycle of Long Distance Relationships.

Nobody thinks about the distance in their relationship and goes, HOORAY! This is so much fun! It's frustrating, for everyone. You're starting off your relationship at a point of frustration. Yes, frustration leads to fighting, which leads to breakups in general, but you're beginning your relationship with frustration. Most relationships start off at a neutral point. If things get bad later, it's because differences and incompatibilities build up, creating a frustrating situation. With long distance relationships, the frustration is built right into the fabric.

4) These Relationships Go on Way Longer Than They Should.

In short distance relationships (nobody calls them that, but just go with it), when things start getting really bad, a break up usually happens shortly after. [A lot of short distance relationships also go on way longer than they should. People drag relationships out in general.] But the reason why long distance relationships almost ALWAYS go on longer than they should is because of the distance.

If you see someone every day and fight with them every day, you'll only be able to take so much before you snap and break up. If you see someone once a month and fight with them once a month, there's way more time in between for you both to cool down, forget why you were fighting, and think your relationship is still working well. And with the distance being so hard, it's easy to blame every fight you have (even the long phone ones) on the fact that you're so far away and missing each other. The fighting could mean that you're incompatible, but it takes way longer to figure that out when you have the easy scapegoat of distance to blame instead.

5) You'll Never Have a Future Unless You Live in the Same Place.

It's pretty hard to start a family when you live in different states. This is obvious, but it seems to be something a lot of long distance-ers don't truly think about until the relationship isn't going so well. You get frustrated by the distance and then it's "You need to move here or this isn't going to work." Well, that was always true...even when you were thinking about starting the relationship. In order to have a real future with someone, you have to live in the same place. Relationships are hard enough. Starting a relationship off without even having that simple requirement met makes it a zillion times harder.

If you really want a long distance relationship to work, it's best to have a plan to end the distance soon. Don't make relationships harder than they have to be, for crying out loud. Life is hard enough. Think twice before you bring a situation into your life that's going to make life even harder for you. The person better be "the one," with bells and whistles and singing birds, to be worth all that effort. Otherwise, take a stroll down to the local watering hole and find a date there instead. 


Your turn: What was it that made your long distance relationship end? Or, what has made your long distance relationship work? 

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

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collins jack on August 29, 2018:

I was looking for possible ways to read the texts that came into her phone in the night but

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jopie on July 26, 2018:

We're talking 2 years now. Never met. No plans whatsoever. I called it quits. I have no patience for this. We live our own lives. He lives w his elderly parents. I live w my kids. He has no job. I can't see a future. If you worked towards a goal itd be different.

Kristen on July 24, 2018:

My ldr is from England and I'm from Ukraine. I feel like its falling apart already. I don't trust him when he says he loves me, I dont know what he's doing when he disappears for hours. We're always fighting. I have no idea why we even started it. I'm just so depressed. I want to break up but I dont have balls to do it because I do love him and am afraid to lose. What if he's the one?... Wish someone has told me exactly what to do. I have only seen him once and it was the best week in my life. But now he acts emotionally distance and remembering how sweet he used to be makes me cry. I think I hate him but I love him too. Good luck to all of you guys, I'm going to get drunk. :(

Les on April 07, 2018:

I just want to say thank you, I am not really much of a patient person and waiting around for someone to call is not my cup of tea especially when he goes offline after he says I will call you back in a little while. First time it happened I told him how I felt and I don't think he got it, this is the second time and I don't think he will be calling back and even if he does I don't think I will be answering. LDR is just too hard for me.

James on April 02, 2018:

My partner is 23 and I'm 30.due to circumstances in life I had to live my partner to work overseas.we had been good together for 6 years living together with our 2kids.the moment I left 2months later she started misbehaving by drinking and living the kids unattended.my partner and I we together again in overseas and I'm starting to feel hurtful of her actions and I'm seeking for help as to how to forgive her about this.please I'm seeking for advises

ex-ldr experienced on February 23, 2018:

It is really hurtful to say this to anyone who spends their time with ldr, but in best reality, it is better to find someone closer to you. Someone who is 5000 miles away, who you barely meet for less than a month in a year. I have faced several painful long distance relationships, which in fact were not toxic by our personalities, but because distance kills the mood entirely. When you get to the taste of sex, you will begin to realize that long distance relationship is waste of time. Even if you began meeting each other, it will cost plenty of money, money that you would probably spend more wiser, for example house loans or studies. Even if you moved with each other, you would bring along the toxicity that had stockpiled on your relationship after dating via internet for so long. Trust dies so fast even though you lie to yourself that it will work out eventually, sadly to say, it doesn't. Every time I dated in ldr, I noticed these signs way too often. One time you have romantic wave, then after it come the fights, and again romantic. It is a slippery slope that will only hurt your self-esteem the longer you stay in the loophole. Be truthful to yourself. Date with real people, who are actually there, who actually aren't those ghosts from miles away that speak to you in loving, or in disgust. You may thank me later.

Unknown on April 12, 2017:

As a matter of fact I as an old tradition thought have to agree with the fact that the most normal, from natures point of view too relationship is the one where the partners are close to each other. However nowadays a lot of people including me have change this idea making it possible to accomplish long distance relationship and made it possible enough to take place into the real world and not in the fantasy world as you wish to call it my dear. it is indeed hard for an Internet relationship to work out some of the time but not most of them. We neither know whether or not the possibilities of making one LDR are less than the ones of a cdr. And let's be completely honest here it is also a fact that cdrs don't always work out as imagined or planned by both or one of the partners. According to your article my dear I can see that most of the things lack evidence during to the unknown number of successes by the relationships that started from a ld. Yes life is hard and the real world is harsh, but letc not also forget that this real world that most of the people wish to call can be affected by many parts like politics and economics. there are people out there who did things out of imagination such as flying to the moon creating clone humans, inventing robots, finding cures for deadly viruses and turning the impossible into possible, so if you think for a moment if we compare all those which might seem kinda of unrelated but if you compare all those you can say that making an LDR is not really that impossible

James on January 18, 2017:

I had a long distance romantic correspondence with very occasional meetings. As warned above, it kept going years too long even after I was "committed" to being with someone else. I put many romanticized feelings on the person who was far away but I never knew the real person behind the messages. You may feel that you really know, or even love, the other person but for me it was my own imagination that made the distant lover seem perfect. Be careful.

If you begin to love someone who is near you while you secretly try to keep your ldr, its a mistake. Ask yourself honestly about whether you really just love what your imagination lets you see. If that may be the case, cut off your ldr and take the time to know whether you are happy with what you do have. If you are convinced you really want the ldr, then you get yourself near that person to see if it works in the flesh. Don't delay.

Andrew on January 18, 2017:

This is a load of crap. LD CD whatever love is love. I never intended to fall in love with someone in Australia. Living in the US makes that about as LD as you can get. However, the best part of this relationship is really what I just said. I absolutely never intended to fall all in love with someone 8000 miles away from me. But it happened and I'd be a fool not to work my ass off to make this work until one of us moves. You may only be blessed with true love once. If it's real it will work!

th0ught from Central New York on September 10, 2014:

They certainly are difficult, but as I mentioned in my hub, not impossible. :)

Jaime on September 07, 2014:

My husband and I did the whole long distance thing for about one and a half years before we got married. I lived in the States and he I'm Europe. Yes the distance was hard and there were very many days where I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. But what made it all worth it was the knowledge that the day was coming when he and I would never have to be separated by distance again.

Donp on July 16, 2014:

Any relationship is hard. It does not matter whether you 10 miles apart or a state away. Trust is trust. I know many long distance relationship that work because they had a plan to come together. It is about getting to know one. I know many couple in the same city who does not spend any more time that two people in different states.

When two people love one another and talk to each other planning and making goals. Then All things are easy. First you have to find out what do each one wants out of the relationship and go from there.