Lame Excuses People Use To Avoid Getting Married
So, when are you going to get married?
This is the question that your family will start asking you when you are a male of an Indian descent (the right indian, not native american) and you are somewhere in your mid 20s. When I was still single, it used to annoy me a lot. Whenever I was in a family occasion, I would get asked this question by my cousins, uncles and aunties and even grandparents, especially during family weddings (Suraj, now it is your turn!!)
Now that I am in my fourth year of marriage, I look back in those days and I am thankful I had my family who just wouldn't give up in putting marriage in the back of my mind. Always reminding me to find a partner and be a man and commit to a relationship. I still remember the excuses I used to give when it comes to putting off marriage. Looking back at those excuses now, I find them really stupid and just plain lame.
It also made me realize how important it is to have someone beside us and having a partner in our life. Sometimes I feel that I have become a man the day I got married. Before that I was a boy who was earning a steady income and just bought anything I wanted at a whim, with no responsibility and no thought of the future. While this may sound like a dream come true, it gets boring pretty fast.
Although I was living a pretty good life for a bachelor, I couldn't help but feel something was missing. I used to sometimes ask myself "is this all there is to life? Where is the challenge and the responsibility people talked about?" and being an introverted person with very few and well chosen friend did not help either.
If you ask how different single life and marriage life is I would say this: When you are single it is like you are walking around with chocolate fudge all over your mouth and looking silly with no one telling you and no mirror to see yourself just how silly you look. When you get married (hopefully to someone wise) you have someone telling you to wipe the fudge from your face and stop looking silly. 5 years ago I used to preach to my friends about how I was not going to get married, preaching while having chocolate fudge all over my face. Being so confident of my silliness.
I used to think these reasons were very smart and unique. Looking back at it now, I find these reasons very lame and simply just not valid at all. In fact, to some extent, I find these excuses similar to the excuses people have for not achieving success and progress in their lives.
"In marriage do thou be wise: prefer the person before money, virtue before beauty, the mind before the body; then thou hast a wife, a friend, a companion, a second self"-William Penn
Just Not Financially Prepared
I am sure a lot of people are ready with an argument against this one like a cowboy ready to grab his gun from his holster during a stand off. The person I was 5 years ago would already have his gun out of his holster and shoot three bullets at me by now.
I have heard and even used this argument for not getting married. This argument is valid only if you don't have a job or you are a homeless bum in which case you wouldn't be able to access hubpages and read this article. If you have a job with an income you cannot use this excuse.
Using financial shortcomings as an excuse is like Bill Gates saying "I would like to open an IT company and call it Microsoft someday but I think I will wait till I become a billionaire first." When I got married I had exactly zero saving in my bank account. I used to get my salary and spend it as wisely as monkey.
I won't lie to you it was hard at first. There were days when I used to regret not saving and wasting my money on a whim. Thankfully I have a wife who is understanding and supportive and loves me for who I am. It did not take long for me to get some grip on my financial situation and save enough to have some stability.
If there is one thing I have learned from getting married is that you plan as you go along. Too much planning will get you nowhere. See how a bird learns to fly for the first time? It does not plan, it just leaps into nothingness and figure out how to fly as it is free falling.
I have come across many people who have read self help book regarding positive thinking and relationship and have a whole bookshelf dedicated to this genre. They get to nowhere. They sure can talk though. Boy, can they preach. But in my experience, there are those who preach and there are those who takes action.
Now, as to the so called "financial shortcomings", start saving, there is no reason to have a financial problem if you have a job. You don't need to read a 500 pages financial self help book to get financial stability. Just follow these two rules: 1. Always prioritize cash above all else, do not go buy that new iPhone, or new whatever, if your old phone works, use it. CASH IS KING. 2. save before you spend, the moment you get your salary, put a fraction of it in a savings account and leave it there!
If you get married to someone understanding, they will love you for what you are and be with you through tough times. Their support will give you the strength to go through it and, if you have any conscience, you will work harder than before to earn more so you can provide for your family.
Another question relating to financial shortcomings you might ask is: who will marry a man who does not have financial stability?
To that I say, if you want to find out who, you have to go out there and find out for yourself. You can't miss her when you find her. She will be the one in your face telling you something along the lines of: "I love you for what you are, I don't expect you to buy me a mansion but I do expect you to love me back."
I Just Haven't Found The Right One Yet
Let me just get to the point and give you the bad news: you will never find the right one.
What you have to do is find one and make it right. Think of it as buying a new shoe. You go to the shoe store, you browse through it, and you find a shoe that you like, so you get one that is your size. You have found the one. But is it right?
Not at first. No one uses a new shoe and gets comfortable straight away. You might get shoe bites, you might feel the sides are too tight. Trust me on this one, even Hush Puppies has not figured out how to deal with this. Thing is, as you go along and you keep using it, it starts adjusting to your feet and you start feeling more and more comfortable the longer you use it.
People who use this as an excuse needs to be honest with themselves. They might not be able to find the one because they are not right to begin with. A steady relationship takes effort and time to build. Rome was not built in a day. Just imagine if the people who built Rome just decided to call it quits on the first night.
Apple Corp wouldn't be what it is today if Steve Jobs decided to call it quits and use his parents's garage as a place where his friends could drink beer and play poker all day everyday. You fail but you stick to it. No success comes without failure.
Similarly, no great relationships comes without misunderstandings and arguments, when you go through this experience you can either choose to fling it away and give up or you can try to work it out, learn from it and come out stronger than before. You have to find one and then you have to make it right, then only will you end up with The Right One.
The right one comes along once you become right for him/her. Most people who complain about this don't even know what it is they want in the first place to begin with. Even if they do find someone they think is "the right one" they tend to approach this person with the highest of expectations that are bound to lead to disappointment. Play the cards you are dealt with, be thankful and make the best use of it.
What If He/She Changes?
Lets get back to the shoe example for a minute. So you go to the shoe store, you find the one you like and you buy it. But you don't use. You just keep it in the house, you take it out on saturday night and you keep it on the dining table facing you and have a candlelight dinner with it and stare at it lovingly.
How long are you going to do this with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Have you ever asked yourself where is your relationship going? Many people put off moving into a more serious relationship because they are afraid the other might change.
I am here to tell you that they will DEFINITELY change, but that is not a bad thing. Why? Look at that shoe you bought few months ago, you are comfortable with it already by now, why is that? Because it changed! if it did not change you would never be comfortable wearing it, the shoe bites will continue for years on end. When you are going to stop staring at your shoe and start wearing it?
"Time changes everything except something within us which is always surprised by change."
- Thomas Hardy
As long as we live on this earth we should always be ready for change. Everything is changing constantly all the time. Marriage is one of them. Don't fight it. Even if you do not get married and keep going on as girlfriend/boyfriend eventually your relationship will change, then what? You may keep a baby Eagle in a small bird cage. But once this Eagle grows up and become a full adult you might want to change the cage to a bigger size.
The same way, once your relationship with your boyfriend/girlfriend matures, you have to move on, stop fooling around and be committed. Stop denying it. Do not let the marriage subject be like an elephant in the room.
To say what if he/she changes and then not get married is the same as asking "what if I loose?" and then not join the race and therefore destroy all chances of winning.
I Won't Have Freedom
To this I say, No one is free. Let's think about this objectively. How are you free now? You are dictated by your job to earn money so you can experience what you would describe as freedom. Even to experience this apparent freedom you have to depend on your income for it. Human Beings can never be free. We are interdependent at best.
So rather than being interdependent on people you have no clue who they are, why not be interdependent with someone you love and trust. Remember, Independence is a state of mind, it is not a physical thing like a cup or a table. It is simply how you see things.
When we were born we depended on our parents for our upbringing, then when we grew up we depended on our job to earn an income in order to feed ourselves, when we are old we will depend on our children for support (if we are lucky enough to have children who are willing to support us, otherwise its playing bingo in the old house for the rest of our lives), then we die. So tell me, where is this freedom you speak of? Is this rat race of a life you live called freedom?
Even the animals in the wild depend on the abundance of nature to live and survive. So who are we to claim we are free? Ask yourself this honest question: are you afraid to loose "freedom" or are you afraid of responsibility and love?
No one is free, we have no choice in the matter. But we do have a choice to be happy and share that happiness with the ones we love.
So, you are not married yet?
Marriage, if done right, will help you in ways you can never imagine. In my point of view, Marriage and Work asks for nothing less than the best in you, and this is a good thing. It helps you grow as a person and will make you stronger.
Our spouse is a reflection of us. You will always get a person that is like you, and you may not realize this because, metaphorically, you have never seen yourself in the mirror until now. Marriage helps you to be more introspective.
This is the reason why many people like to complain "why am I always falling for the wrong guy/girl?" When this happens try to look at yourself, be introspective. The answer lies in you, how you were brought up, your social circle and how you live.
Fighting with your spouse can sometimes be compared to an animal fighting with its own reflection in the water. This is why newlyweds take time to adjust to their married life, because prior to getting married they have seldom come across a situation where they need to be honest with themselves and be introspective. So either the animal will realize that it is their own reflection and stop attacking and make peace and become wiser, or keep attacking and eventually slip and fall to the river.