What to Do If You're Not Sexually Attracted to Your Husband

Updated on June 20, 2016
I'm Not Attracted to My Husband Sexually: What to Do
I'm Not Attracted to My Husband Sexually: What to Do

"Help, I'm not attracted to my husband sexually. What can I do about this?"

This problem is more prevalent than you think. Many women are bonded to men for better or worse that they aren't sexually attracted to. Sometimes the wives love their husbands, sometimes they like them, and sometimes they don't. There is a lot you can do to help ensure this lack of attraction doesn't affect your marriage for long.

We discuss the importance of sex in marriage, some common reasons women aren't attracted to their husbands sexually, and what to do about it. This article is for women who do not consider divorce an option.

Part of the Job

Be comforted by the fact that there is a reason they have called sexual relations with husbands a "wifely duty." This implies that the wife isn't exactly excited to have sex with her husband all the time but sometimes does so out of marital obligation. There are perhaps hundreds of millions of women across the world who have felt this way -- at least at one time or another, and others feel this way all the time.

The legal system in the United States considers a consistent lack of marital sex a reason for divorce. "Abandonment of Affection" means that one spouse has left the other spouse in the cold in the bedroom.

And interestingly, Judaic scriptures write that it is the husband's obligation to have sex with his wife. So it goes both ways. So unless you have a medical condition that makes sex difficult, unpleasurable, or impossible, it is in your best interest to find a way to have sex with your husband even though you aren't attracted to him this way.

Another angle to consider is that your husband loved you enough to marry you, which is an increasingly rare expression of love by men in our modern era. Consider yourself lucky that you weren't led on by him, and he honored you with this commitment. There are many women who would really love to be in your shoes.

You might not be excited by your lust each day for him, but knowing you have that security of marriage through him might give your senses a little bit of warmth.

Some Typical Reasons Why Women Are Not Attracted to Their Husbands ...

Problem #1

You married him because he had great "husband" qualities: he treats you well, he works 40 hours a week, and your likes and interests match up. But you were never sexually attracted to him to begin with.

Problem #2

He has physically changed over the years and you don't find his appearance to be a turn-on anymore. Perhaps he is balding or 50 pounds heavier than when you met. All you know is that he doesn't look like the sexy guy you married anymore.

Problem #3

He has said or done things that have hurt you over time. You no longer see him as agreeable to your senses. You have learned about the chinks in his armor, and you feel like you can't turn back from this.

How to Turn Sexual Apathy into Excitement

Close Your Eyes During Sex

  • For many women a lot of sex is done with their eyes closed. This is done for many reasons. Some of them are because we are still naturally inclined to feel shy about sex and because other more powerful physical senses take over. But if you don't like to actively think about sex with your spouse while you are having it, closing your eyes during this time is okay too. There are awkward moments we all experience during sex and a lack of feeling fully in the moment is an okay reason to close your eyes as well. Oddly enough, not having to face your spouse during sex allows you to embrace the physical and psychological excitement of sex without acknowledging the aspects you don't like.

Get Lost In the Feeling

  • Whether you have a low sex drive or not, when you are about to be intimate, forget about everything else but the feeling. Don't worry about how your husband looks, how you look, about how you don't get along, about past mistakes he's made. Forget it all and get lost in how the sensation feels of being touched in the right places. You will be amazed at what the promise of an orgasm does for your level of sexual interest, and what an orgasm for both of you will do for your relationship.

Imagine Your Husband in His Best State

  • Do you remember when your husband was at his fittest? When you were at your fittest? Do you remember the days before he said those things that hurt your feelings? Do you remember when you had that great date together -- long ago -- that made you feel really loved and secure and happy? Deep down you are both of those same people, and that can never be truly lost. Marriage, as you know, takes a great deal of work. And as time passes we forget some of the magic if we don't actively refine our appreciation for the better parts of our spouses as we change over time. And whether the magic was based on physical attraction, a deep sense of caring, love, or affection, you can harness that into physical love. How? By relaxing, using your imagination to take you back to the better parts, and opening yourself up, literally. You will probably find there is a lot more to love that you just forgot about.

Why Sex is So Important in Marriage

  • Sex bonds a husband and wife together through the production of oxytocin, the hormone released during orgasm that increases feelings of love and attachment between the couple.
  • The power of touch. Both sexual and romantic touching increases the feeling of intimacy between a couple. Since this touching is reserved for a husband and wife only, the idea is that no one else in the world can provide you pleasure the way your spouse does.
  • Women who experience regular orgasms or heightened sexual pleasure report better moods and happier lives. Sex releases stress in both women and men, and this makes your walk through life a more pleasant one, despite the ups and downs of daily existence. In The Sex-Starved Marriage, by Michele Weiner Davis, the author explores just how much the mood of your marriage will improve with more frequent sex.
  • When you provide your husband with a consistent level of sex, it improves his tendencies as an empathetic partner, as you are viewed as a willing spouse in providing him with pleasure. This need for consistent pleasure is biologically wired into men.

So you can see from the points above, although you might not be sexually attracted to your husband, consistent sex improves your attachment to him and your bond as a married couple. That alone will be worth your effort.

Final Note:

Whatever you do, as long as you wish to remain married, working on sexual desire and intimacy should be a priority. It will be highly rewarding for both you and your spouse. Sex has the ability to bring magic back into your marriage or help place it there when there really wasn't much to begin with. Two people in a marriage are constantly evolving. You can choose how to evolve.

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