Mathira's articles focus on marriage problems, as she wants couples to enjoy their married lives to the fullest.
My Husband Is Immature and Irresponsible—What Should I Do?
Earlier, I was watching with fascination a bullock cart driven by two bulls. One bull was filled with energy, while the other bull was lethargic and sluggish. The energetic bull was straining his muscles visibly to pull the cart, as he had to do the work of the lackadaisical bull in addition to his own. My mind immediately connected the cart driven by those bulls to the dynamics of marriage.
Marriage is all about how you and your husband contribute to the household. When the level of contribution is equal, you can handle your family life with ease.
But what if your husband is immature? In this situation, you struggle to pull the family along as you bear the brunt of all responsibilities.
What Does an Immature Husband Do?
- He does not accept his mistakes.
- He does not care for the family.
- He throws tantrums at the drop of a hat.
- He is selfish.
- He is indecisive.
- He does not have direction in life.
- He is not accountable.
- He is not committed.
It is upsetting when your husband does not share in the family commitments, and you have to shoulder the burden alone. Immaturity in a child can is tolerable, as he doesn't yet have the years of experience needed to develop a sense of responsibility, but immaturity in your husband, who has tons of life experience, can be incredibly frustrating.
Infantile love follows the principle "I love because I am loved." Mature love follows the principle "I am loved because I need you." Immature love says "I love you because I need you." Mature love says "I need you because I love you."
— Erich Fromm
5 Signs of an Immature Husband
Here are five signs that your husband is immature, and you are the one carrying the weight in the marriage.
1. He is irresponsible.
He lives for the day and doesn't plan for the security of your family. You might reason with him, but he won't listen and goes about living as he wants to. He spends money on whatever catches his fancy, but if you ask him for money for family commitments, he won't budge.
You shouldn't let him carry on in this manner and count on you to bear the burden of familial responsibilities all by yourself. Most of you play mother to your husband and feel protective toward him. Do you realize he's taking advantage of your kindness and understanding?
You should tell him firmly that he, too, has family duties and he should share your commitments. He might revolt against it, but you should not give in, as your life becomes torturous when you have to handle all the problems single-handedly.
2. He stubbornly refuses to accept his mistakes.
He will never own up to his mistakes; he feels comfortable thrusting all the blame on you. He defends himself with numerous feeble excuses while listing all your faults with ease and blaming you for all the issues the family faces.
Reason with him and make him see the error of his ways. If he causes a scene, you must realize that he knows he is in the wrong but wants to prove himself right. Maintain stoic silence during his meaningless tantrums, and when he realizes that he cannot have his way, he will relent slowly.
3. He lacks confidence.
He has an inferiority complex and suffers from many complexities. It is a terrifying experience to live with such a person. He can make your life miserable by being unreasonable or shouting at the top of his lungs while you cringe inside at the thought of his words being heard by others. Your uneasiness becomes his sadistic pleasure, and he revels in his merciless joy.
4. He throws tantrums.
Children throw tantrums to get their way, and it is the same with your immature husband. If you don't let him get his way, he creates scenes trying to force you to let him have his way. Never give in to such coercion.
5. He is utterly selfish.
He wants you to do everything and relaxes in irresponsible negligence. He does not commit himself to any family issues and does not feel it his duty to be accountable for his faults. He is self-centered, selfish, and hides his cowardice by behaving highhandedly with you.
The crucial thing you should do is focus your work and let him handle his own. When he threatens you with dire consequences, completely ignore him. He will now understand that you mean business and with whimpering cowardice will try to do his work.
If you continue to enable his immaturity, it makes you culpable. Your love makes you feel protective of him, and he takes advantage of it. Let him also share his duties as a husband so that you can hold your head high and save some energy for yourself.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2013 mathira