Earlier, I was watching with fascination a bullock cart driven by two bulls. One bull was filled with energy while the other bull was lethargic and sluggish. The energetic bull was straining his muscles visibly to pull the cart, as he had to do the work of the lackadaisical bull in addition to his own. My mind immediately connected the cart driven by those bulls to the dynamics of marriage.
Marriage is all about how you and your husband contribute to the household. When the level of contribution is equal, you can handle your family life with ease.
But what if your husband is immature? In this situation, you struggle to pull the family along as you bear the brunt of all responsibilities.
What does an immature husband actually do?
- He does not accept his mistakes.
- He does not care for the family.
- He throws tantrums at the drop of hat.
- He is selfish.
- He is indecisive.
- He does not have direction in life.
- He is not accountable.
- He is not committed.
It is terribly upsetting when your husband does not share in the family commitments, and you have to shoulder the burden alone. Immaturity in a child can be tolerated, as he doesn't yet have the years of experience needed to develop a sense of responsibility, but immaturity in your husband who knows all about life can be a tormenting experience.
Infantile love follows the principle "I love because I am loved." Mature love follows the principle "I am loved because I need you." Immature love says "I love you because I need you." Mature love says "I need you because I love you."
— Erich Fromm
1. He is irresponsible.
He lives for the day and doesn't plan for the security of your family. You might reason with him, but he won't listen and goes about living as he wants to. He spends money on whatever catches his fancy, but if you ask him for money for family commitments, he won't budge.
You shouldn't let him carry on in this manner and count on you to bear the burden of familial responsibilities all by yourself. Most of you play mother to your husband and feel protective toward him. Do you realize he's taking advantage of your kindness and understanding?
You should tell him firmly that he, too, has family duties and he should share your commitments. He might revolt against it, but you should not give in, as your life becomes torturous when you have to handle all the problems single-handedly.
2. He stubbornly refuses to accept his mistakes.
He will never own up to his mistakes; he feels comfortable thrusting all the blame on you. He defends himself with numerous feeble excuses while listing all your faults with ease and blaming you for all the issues the family faces.
Reason with him and make him see the error of his ways. If he causes a scene, you must realize that he knows he is in the wrong but wants to prove himself right. Maintain stoic silence during his meaningless tantrums, and when he realizes that he cannot have his way, he will relent slowly.
3. He lacks confidence.
He has an inferiority complex and suffers from many complexities. It is a terrifying experience to live with such a person. He can make your life miserable by being unreasonable or shouting at the top of his lungs while you cringe inside at the thought of his words being heard by others. Your uneasiness becomes his sadistic pleasure, and he revels in his merciless joy.
4. He throws tantrums.
Children throw tantrums to get their way, and it is the same with your immature husband. If you don't let him get his way, he creates scenes trying to force you to let him have his way. Never give in to such coercion.
5. He is utterly selfish.
He wants you to do everything and relaxes in irresponsible negligence. He does not commit himself to any family issues and does not feel it his duty to be accountable to his faults. He is self-centered, selfish, and hides his cowardice by behaving highhandedly with you.
The crucial thing you should do is focus your work and let him handle his own. When he threatens you with dire consequences, completely ignore him. He will now understand that you mean business and with whimpering cowardice will try to do his work.
If you continue to enable his immaturity, it makes you culpable. Your love makes you feel protective of him, and he takes advantage of it. Let him also share his duties as a husband so that you can hold your head high and save some energy for yourself.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2013 mathira
Kay on June 21, 2020:
This is VERY VERY VERY sad. My husband is ALLLLL of these things. It's Father's day and because he hasn't been much of a father, I reallllly don't want to get him anything. I'm really on the edge of divorce. I know God is all powerful but it's like he didn't finish growing up and is still a 12 year old in the mind. He pays only two bills and is angry about that. He gets his advice from people that can't really help him and men that make him uncomfortable with the truth he avoids. I put into the universe God please change him. God please help every woman who commented below and women who are reading this having the same problem. Dealing with a man who isn't a man is one of the hardest things in the world. If the man is the head then who is leading the house. The men with these issues need to have mentorship. God bless all.
Edna Lucero on February 02, 2019:
Hi, I'm Edna, my life now was so very terrible for having an immature husband. He only focuses on himself, pleased himself with everyday gadgets especially now that he has no work. I have so much stress on handling this kind of life everyday, waking up only to sees him with gadget on hand, not even trying to do help me do some household chores or taking care of our children. He doesn't care about me or his responsibility to our family
Meg on October 26, 2018:
My situation is almost driving me crazy. I've been seriously considering divorce but each time i look at my 2 lovely daughters, i just think i should remain in the marriage for their sake.
All read here is exactly my situation or even worse. Right now i've lost every sense of affection for him. I struggle with work and cathering for my family. Am always stressed out at the end of the day yet i have to check my kids school work etc. I've wished and prayed severally for time to go back so i can remake my marriage decision.
anonymous on March 13, 2018:
My husband is immature. He nags, keeps malice and even hits me at any slightest mistake. He can't take decision on his own:
Lisa on March 09, 2018:
I chucked mine out no more of him doing exact what he wants when ever he wants to do it threatend to leave and take a girl from work out for a drink so I said do it she can have ya tried to come back 3 times don't want that life anymore bet she's wondering what the hell have I got here I'll tell her what she's got a child
joya on June 06, 2017:
I have same problem.He never accept his fault.shout on me.very selfish.never serious about my health.
joy on March 24, 2017:
this enlightened me..
Shahana thakur on January 20, 2017:
We are in fifties. But my husband still reminds me of a spoilt boy of 5.
He gets hyper whenever he finds children are not doing well in exams or life.
He starts cursing, shouting. At times life becomes so very difficult.
I stay calm and cope with everyone because i want my children to remember love not anger. I try . Though at times it becomes difficult.
aszr on October 24, 2015:
My husband is a example of immature man.he is younger than me 1 year.
1-love to lie,never know and want to be truthfull in life.
2-love taking advantage of situation
3-No aim and goal plus motivation in life
4-love easy way and hope for something which unsure
5-never will agree to own mistake,he is always correct for himself.
6-Depend on my hardwork and refuse to let me to move my way
7-too slow in movement,unable to make decision,all up to me and if fails will be blame on me.
8-over react infront of his mum.
9-never once sit diwn and discuss about future with me.
10-Not a man of words
I am happy before than now,i am just waiting for the right chance to leave this man.
Oh ya,lastly he is jobless and before married he told me that he is working in IT Industry ,but that was lie.and i was earning few hundred daily in tourism industry as city guidebut today jobless,no iteraction with friends,i am an orphan.no movement and achievement in life,zero woman of today generation and i start hatingmy self.
fatema on August 18, 2015:
I have recently realized this. And i dont know what to do. He aint selfish or jobless.. He does realize his family duties. But emotionally he cant support me. If i break down he gets angry n let me knows all problms he is having, so evetually what i am going through is lost.. I feel terrible and tired..
Rachel on August 09, 2015:
I'm just discovering why my husband acts like that-he is emotionally still a child! I was told I need to be sympathetic to him and talk to him like he is a child! Time will tell if I can do it
odanwu on May 25, 2015:
An exact description of my husband. i want out. 8years of pains and frustrations.
Now what on May 17, 2015:
The question is what do you do? I've tried to deal with mine, and it's impossible. He uninvites himself on vacations, outings, going out with friends for the stupidest reasons. He has no intentions of "not going", he just wants his way. As long as it's his way, he's fine. Any little thing he doesn't like, and he thinks he might not get his way...he finds a way to cause a disruption. I love the guy dearly, but I'm dying to find a way to get him to grow up
Patience on May 06, 2015:
My husband is everything you described here and more. It is a very frustrating experience.
diane on April 09, 2015:
My husband is everything you described at times it gets very fusterating to the point where i want to leave
Rebecca from USA on November 11, 2013:
Welcome, it was interesting to read that. I would never be able to tolerate a husband like what you've described! lol. I'd probably choke him!
mathira (author) from chennai on November 11, 2013:
Thank you for the visit, Bishop55.
Rebecca from USA on November 10, 2013:
Interesting hub. I'm so thankful I don't have a husband like this!