How to Handle Loving and Dating a Married Man

Updated on October 28, 2016
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Advice for Dating a Married Man

You may not have set out to fall in love with a married man, but there are times in life when even the most intelligent women find their emotions getting the better of them. Loving and dating a married man can be extremely painful and seldom works out well.

But this article is not intended to judge anyone or tell you to "just dump him!" This article will openly and honestly describe what the typical experiences and outcomes are in these relationships so that you may be more prepared, educated, and informed about what you should expect, and how to handle it.

Here's my best advice and things to remember:

  1. Remember that his first priority will always be his children and his wife, no matter what he says.
  2. If he lied to you in the beginning about whether or not he was married, you should seriously consider whether or not you can trust him.
  3. Do not sacrifice everything for him. Be independent. Go on dates with other men. Have other hobbies. He's not giving up everything for you, so you shouldn't give up everything for him either.
  4. Your relationship will change if he divorces his wife for you. It will not all be fun and games anymore.
  5. Make your relationship worth your time. Ask him to support you financially, or at least make sure you're getting as much out of it as you're putting in. Don't let him take advantage of you.
  6. Be honest with yourself. What you're doing is risky. Own up to the risk.
  7. Very likely, he will not leave his wife for you.
  8. No matter what he says, he's still having sex with his wife. Don't let your relationship with him keep you from seeing other people.

How many men do you know who are ruining their lives because of a woman? Now, how many women do you know who have sacrificed all for a man?

Women need to think and act the way men do to find happiness.

Questions to Ask

There are issues to seriously consider if you think that this man may be the one.

  • One of the first things to consider is this: Did he tell you he was married from the beginning or did he lie to you and then have to tell the truth? This will be a major factor as to whether or not you can ever trust him.
  • Another thing to give some serious thought to is whether children are involved. No matter how much he loves you, he is obligated to his children, and if you come between him and the kids, he may resent you in the long run.
  • Is your relationship strong enough to withstand the turmoil of a divorce? How long have you been seeing this guy? One year is about right when it comes to shifting from playing around to getting serious.
  • Right now you may be experiencing the best of the best, but when you are living in the real world together, things will change.
  • Moreover, if he divorces his wife for you, the two of you will go through a lot of sad, and trying times together. Will you still love him as much as you do while things are nothing but fun?

Tips for Women in Love With a Married Man

Don't Sacrifice Yourself for Him

Women need to think and act the way men do to find happiness. How many men do you know who are ruining their lives because of a woman? Now, how many women do you know who have sacrificed all for a man?

Men never put their relationships first. At least moderately successful men don't. That is why they are happier than women are. Women have a tendency to meet a guy and then focus their entire lives on him. They will stop thinking about attending school or put business plans on hold after meeting someone who sweeps them off their feet.

This is a bad idea even if the guy is not married. But if he is, you have truly just shot yourself in the foot because you have given up a piece of yourself for a someone who belongs to another. You will become more and more resentful over time.

Look at your lover boy for what he is and control your emotions. If he is obviously lying to you to keep you available to him, consider if the relationship is worth your time or not.

Leverage Your Relationship

If he can somehow help you in life by making you more successful, paying your bills, or buying you a home, then you have gotten something to show for your time.

Be Truthful to Yourself

It's a matter of being honest with yourself. If he is married and has no intention of leaving his wife, then he may have been dating many women over the years. Usually when a man has this pattern, he dates the woman until she begins to expect more out of him. Then, he dumps her, finds another woman to sleep with before getting rid of her when she gets tired of being a doormat.

The truth is, a guy will string you along as long as you will let him. It's up to you to look out for yourself and avoid being taken advantage of.

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Rules for Extramarital Affairs: Make It Worth Your Time

Ask yourself this question: "What am I getting out of dating a married man?" If you are not getting anything, you should ask the man to make the affair worth your time financially or move on. I am not being judgmental here. But if your guy plays with you for free and then goes home to his wife and plays the husband while you sulk, you are only torturing yourself and being a hooker who works for free. To be wise and economical, it's time to ask your "boyfriend" to help you out financially. This way when the time comes that you are not together anymore, at least he helped you pay your mortgage.

Before you go off on a rant about how expecting or wanting money or gifts is prostitution and that it's all about the love here, remember that dating a married man is not exactly moral either. The difference here is at least you are not being raked over the coals as you would be if you simply smile and put out like a good girl.

You must be realistic here and accept that what you are involved in is risky in many ways. One of the things that often destroys women in your situation is the shock of suddenly being dumped because of something that is happening in his marriage, or because of stress that you are causing him at home. Believe me, when this happens, having that extra money invested will lead you to think, "At least I got something out of it." And that is much better than the feeling of having been walked all over.

I know you are probably thinking that you are in a unique and different situation because he truly loves you, and you love him, etc. But that is what they all say, and when stress and reality get involved, people's emotions and decisions tend to be all the same after all.

I know you are probably thinking that you are in a unique and different situation because he truly loves you, and you love him, etc. But that is what they all say.

A Real Story of Dating a Married Man

For nine years, my friend Darleen dated a man who was married and now regrets it. Her man told her that he loved her but because he had two children with his wife, he could not leave her. He also said that he no longer slept with his wife, but that they had an understanding. Darleen would tell me that if he could leave his wife for her, he certainly would and that her man often showed great concern for whether or not she was cheating on him.

Love Is Blind

Yes, love is blind. I found myself angry quite often as I told Darleen that if he loved her he would divorce his wife rather than play this game with her. Poor Darleen had excuses for everything. She got on her high horse by stating that if a man has kids he can't leave. I happen to have known several highly moral men who divorced their wives even though they had two or three kids. After the divorce, they took care of their children at least half of the time.

The truth is, a man will change his life around and do anything to win you over if he truly does love you. If he is content to have sex with you and makes no move to make a permanent life with you, then you must understand that he does not see you as being very important. Or not important enough.

If He Really Loved You . . .

I know that your ego does not want to accept that fact but put the shoe on the other foot for a moment. If you were with a man who you were not having sex with and who you did not love, and you had this man on the side who you truly did love and had a great connection with, would you be content to go home to the man you did not really want, knowing that your lover is single and could easily find someone who is available for him full time?

The thought of it probably sends you into a cold sweat.

Men are concerned with having their woman all to themselves. It is actually proof of disinterest on his part if he does not care who you are with and what you are doing.

If he sees you as a valuable woman, he will know that other men are after you, and he will want to make sure that he gets you before someone else does.

Making Excuses

Darleen made excuses for her married lover for years, and she believed him when he told her that he could not stand his wife and never touched her. After listening to her talk about their intimate discussions, I figured out that her lover had caught on to the fact that Darleen seemed to accept him going home to his wife as long as he and his wife were no longer sleeping together.

Things got a little tricky when his wife suddenly became pregnant. Darleen worked in a building across the street from her lover's wife and was able to spy on her every so often. Darleen's guy informed her that his wife had been bugging him for years to have another baby, and he finally gave in. Not that they were sexual or anything—he explained that in order to touch her, he had to get drunk. The wife had marked the calendar for the day when she was fertile, and they did it just that once in order to have a baby.

The lies can be clever and convincing, but I always say, "Assume that the man is lying until you are engaged, married, or something close." If he is cheating on his wife, he has displayed to you that he is willing to lie, and you have no way of knowing how far he will go.

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Flickr CC BY 2.0 | Source

Should You Be "Faithful" to a Married Man?

If he seems content to let the relationship go on for years as it is, you should see that he is using you for some fun on the side. So, by all means, date other men. Remember, it's not cheating on your part because he is married.

What Cheating Means

I hear that one a lot. The married guy says, "Don't cheat on me." Unless he is separating from his wife, you are free to do as you please and you should. Otherwise, you will find yourself rejected by your married lover and you will be left alone. Date on the side to keep yourself from becoming too attached to this man and to keep reality in perspective.

When Darleen finally listened to me and began to see other men, her viewpoint changed dramatically. Her married lover began to only see her for sex. They were meeting in hotels and were meeting in his car after work. Darleen was not even getting a meal out of it. Sometimes they would go to a bar and have a few drinks and then go to his car.

What a waste of her time.

Freedom

When she began putting her photo on dating sites, she felt more powerful because she could see that there were a lot of other guys out there. Some of these guys took her to exciting places, bought her nice gifts, and even offered her spending money.

What's the best cure for a man? The answer is another one! When you have a man abusing your emotions, don't feel guilty about seeing what else is out there.

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    • profile image

      Clarence 

      10 hours ago

      I'm 28 years of age. I'm dating a married man. Like any other relationship everything was perfect. He makde it very clear that he's a married man. I made peace with that and even adviced him to go see her on weekends since i was staying with him. He always didn't want to go home but i was always pushing him to. As understanding as i was, i was very okay with the set up. A year down the line I was pregnant. Gave birth and he was there. Problems started when he told his wife about the child. The wife immediately wanted to file for divorce. To myself I'm thinking it's only because she's angry. But now apparently im not told about the latest of the divorce.

      Yes i was understanding. But since i heard about the divorce my mind was like okay. I'll have him as a husband alone. I started having ideas of how we'd be happy or the set up at home. I love the guy. But he does not support me whatsoever. I'm tired of waiting for him. The other thing is, i no longer believe that there's divorce. I gave myself a time line but he's not aware. Sometimes i feel as though he uses me to fix things at home. More especially sex.

    • profile image

      Tuesday 

      3 days ago

      I was married for almost 2 decades, divorced in my early 40s. I dated for awhile but most single men my age wanted something I didn't have to give. In my marriage I felt that I had given 150% of the 200% that should have been from the two of us - i gave too much, that's why I wanted out. So after the divorce I did not want another "all in" relationship. Truthfully I never craved marriage like a lot of women anyway, from the outside it looked restricting for women - and it was. But everyone - even the government tells you it's the thing to do to be successful.

      Anyway after about a year and a half of being single and dating in my early 40s I met my married man. I did not know on our first outing (out with friends of friends), I was just having a good time, and he was super nice. I let him take me home, no thoughts of anything in the future. When he asked for a second date I knew that he was married - for a LONG time. He is 10 years older than me.

      The fact of the matter is - I LIKE that he is married, it just works for me. I don't have to cook dinner, wash clothes, plan vacations, make dr. apts, etc. I tell him all the time to not even think about leaving his wife because I will never be that for him. At my age I know that a full time relationship would be nothing like we have - we are perpetually dating, and I'm fine with that.

      He has decades with the wife, and grown kids, and I respect that - she can have the marriage, the kids weddings, the grand kids, the pensions, the family vacations - I don't want it - or the responsibility that comes with it. It's been 3 years and I absolutely am thrilled about the time we have together still. We go out on great dates, he is so much more responsible than the single men that are my age - he is stable and has his isht together and I love that. (It's probably because women are the ones who make men stable? It certainly was the case in my marriage.) He does help out with things financially - but I never asked him to, and don't really need it, but it is very nice, and I feel like HE feels a little obligated. He certainly pays for all of our outings.

      All in all - it just works for me. I'm not opposed to seeing other men, but I haven't run across anyone who interest me (or who were interested in me either I guess). It's not off the table, and I do miss having someone to go on trips with - or to take to weddings or work events. So if I run across a flirtation that feels like it could be something more I'm still up for that, and my married man knows it as well.

      At the end of the day I know exactly what my relationship is, as does he, and we enjoy it for that.

    • profile image

      Fln 

      9 days ago

      It depends on how the two of you relate. I don't have a problem with my married boyfriend as long as we continue loving each other

    • profile image

      Miss TLE 

      2 weeks ago

      I've been seeing a married man for the past 6 months and I can say after last night I had to find it in my heart to let it all go. It's been good at times. He's helped out some and has kept my mind free from others. But I realized last night that I'm truly in love with this guy and that wasn't my intentions at all. From us hanging out to the long face time talks he has shown me more attention than some of the single men out there. We met up last night and after I left I cried and told myself that I deserve more than this. Yes this is hard because it's like I was in a full relationship with him and our bond has grew stronger, but I know this can't go anywhere. If you're reading this wondering what you should do I would say get out when you can because it leads to a dead end road. I haven't even told him I was done with it all I just deleted his number last night and blocked him from calling or texting. That was something I had to do for me because I know I'm a good woman and I deserve to be happy.

    • profile image

      sylvia mosley 

      2 weeks ago

      My daughter is going through this now.

    • profile image

      Tina Crawford 

      3 weeks ago

      I met Nick 15 months ago. One of the 3 questions I asked immediately was "Are you married"? He said "No"! I found out August 14, 2018 that he had applied for a marriage license April of 2016 (I found it online and I wasn't looking for that...I misplaced his address so i decided to get it off line). I called the clerk of court and "BAM" the joker is married. No words...so glad I love the Lord..because if i didn't his family would be walking slow and singing low. Jesus take the wheel. Ladies stop playing the fool.

    • LOVE-Elle profile image

      Elle 

      4 weeks ago from Washington D.C.

      I met B after loss of a mutual friend. I knew he was married the day we started texting and he asked to meet me in person, for memory of our Dear Late friend and we had lunch. I was happily divorced at the time when we met, looking for a somewhat meaningful relationship. He was very charming and I was under the spell the minute I laid eyes on him. I have always had the rule of never being involved with a married man but I guess being unable to find the right type of person and how charming he was with the way he talked to me and convinced me about his soon to be over marriage, relationship quickly progressed into intimacy and like no other before. He is 10 yrs older than me and at first he was saying about what was going wrong in his marriage and how she is a doctor and works so many hours and he is always alone and that he takes care of their son etc etvc. and I was like- umm not my circus not my monkeys. We literally became friends with benefits... but I did not pull down my online profile from dating sites. So after 3 months into it, I ended it- I asked to meet at a coffee shop and told him that I had met someone and that I did not know what would happen but that I was not going to go into anything having a guy on the side. It was hard.. he made it very hard.. he begged me to not to completely take him off my life and that we should at least remain as friends and so forth... of course the relationship with the new guy did not work out, I then went out on dates with many other guys but for whatever reason, it just never worked out. Being divorced and knowing what men are and can be like, has made dating very complicated. B kept texting, calling at random times and checking in on me over the course of 6 months. I mostly ignored all calls and texts but some I responded. Then after 7 months- still being single and being in my sexual prime (40) I texted him one morning and said I want you today at this time at this hotel, can you be there? and he said YES! This was exactly 8 weeks ago. Since then we have been meeting every Thursday after work, and have amazing sex for 3 hrs. then everyone leaves.. Not a word all week ( well mostly) but then rolls in Thursday... So last Thursday he was unable to meet me. Then out of no where Tuesday night he texts me at 8:00pm to see if I can meet him- and I was in a Board Meeting so I could not- then he said we ll meet Wednesday then he said he couldn't and to keep Thursday plan- well it is 4:30 and not a word. It was all fun and games the first 5 weeks but I think things started getting more complicated at home and now he s unable to get away- or lost interest- or maybe he met someonelse- end result; MEN WILL ALWAYS BE MEN. If we change our morals, rules for others- we will end up getting hurt.. we ll do things that we know are wrong but we will still do them and then... silence

      I want all my fellow female friends on here to read their own stories as someonelses and see how they have the answer actually. Be the third person in the relationship- end it move on... respect yourself enough to see that this person is actually a LIAR, a MANIPULATOR and tell yourself you deserve better. I also know this for a fact that it is better to be alone than be in a toxic relationship....

      LOVE-Elle

    • profile image

      Guest 

      6 weeks ago

      Really? I don’t disagree with this article completely but you shouldn’t be with a guy for monetary reasons in the first place. No man should be obligated to support you unless you are married, or living together in a long term relationship. Girls, take care of yourselves - you will be even more attractive to a man at that point. I hear women all the time saying how independent we are and that we don’t need anyone else yet we expect our boyfriends to support us financially? A loving relationship should not based on monetary values, live should be first. You should feel comfortable with this person. If you are in need, and tell your boyfriend you are in a rut then he should want to help you out if the kindness of his heart, not because he’s expected to because of your relationship status. What if he truly can’t financially help you? Are you going to hold that against him? There are many more ways to determine if a man loves you other than money. Start with what your gut tells you. Usually it’s right, we often don’t listen to ourselves because we want to believe the best. If you have doubts, look him in the face and talk it over with him. Don’t just expect him to give you money. That’s ridiculous. Money is not what love is all about.

    • profile image

      Hope 

      6 weeks ago

      The ppl who write these seem to be some cold hearted person. With my relationship it's different. When we met n after we started dating he was separated and so was/am I. Only he went back to her. I'm not sure y, I didn't ask. He makes big sacrifices for me all of the time. And all men gets jealous so I'm not going to be stupid n do something that'll make him jealous. Advising that to me sounds like someone trying to sabotage other ppls good relationships. That's wrong.

      I was having problems with this man n my bf went n talked to him about it. He made sure that I wasn't going to get anymore problems from him. Plus he stayed with me all night instead of going to his wife. I believe that she knows about us but won't tell. I mean even a blind person could see him going out of his way for me. Not to mention the long looks he gives me right in front of her. Then after he stayed with me she did something to make him feel guilty. I won't say what that is. So my relationship is nothing like what ur stories. He's here every night after work n only leaves if he has to.

    • profile image

      wandy lora 

      2 months ago

      My wife has been the best blessing that God has ever giving to me and i was scared i would lose her to someone else thats why i contacted you guys for help and you delivered me from my doubts. I went through all her messages on my phone as soon as you hacked into her cell and i found out she has never been cheating on me. She cares about me,our son and now i never have to worry about losing her ever again. I will never forget the big favor you helped me the

      hackerfrank001 at g mail dot com or text him on +18648320518.and i am sure God will reward you in his own special way. Thanks!!!!!

    • profile image

      Ebony 

      2 months ago

      Please I have been reading and going through all the comments I most confess this site has helped me alot reading and learning from other people's experienced.honestly dating a married man is the most hurtful experience you can ever have my advice to myself is quit from it keep your head high and move on. He can never do anything more to u that have uncountable and numerous sex with u. My experience here is short and to the point I knew this man for a short time but my guts didn't trust him I kept on making excuses for him. But I could not take it to the point where he will be with me and kept on calling his wife in my presence these when on for some time. Like seriously all I needed was fun but it should came with some respect. So I have decided to move on as if nothing ever happened to safe myself from emotional landslide

    • profile image

      Mon Chou 

      2 months ago

      I'm currently seeing a married man for 2 years now. We both know that we are 'special' friends with benefits. The first time I met him, at work, I got attracted to him and then I saw his wedding ring, for a while I got sad. But he kept being him who is a great man and we got closer and we laughed together. I liked him again and fantasized about him. Then we kissed and kept doing it and after a month I invited him to my place. I was a virgin then, we did everything except penetration. It was my choice. He was respectful. He comes over 3-4 times a week and hooked up at work too. One day, he texted me that we needed to lay low because his wife got suspicious. She saw him parked at the corner of the street by their house on his phone. He said it was a call from work. He never called or texted for 3 weeks. I got mad because he can't even text me even if he's at work. (We were in different departments then) Then he reached out and we talked in person. I told him that he has 3 priorities. one himself, two his family, three his job. I told him that we will never have a future together (my point was, to keep his family). I knew where I stand, I never wanted to be his wife, (I would love to but I am not expecting and I want to be a mother in the future and he's already fixed so that would be a problem. I am not a homewrecker. I don't ask for money, he did give me flowers and candies then but I'm not expecting more because his wife might be suspicious with his credit and I don't want to get him in trouble and I still want to keep our relationship.We talk about his kids most of the time and I respect him and his family. We both know that I will be with someone who I can be with for the rest of my life. Btw, I gave my vcard to him and for now, we are still having fun.

    • profile image

      Vasudha 

      2 months ago

      Every coin has two of its sides. The same is here. First of all, the question seems objective but it is not. It is rather subjective and has a full length of ifs and buts.

      The strongest of the things in the universe that is love sees no boundaries. When you start falling for someone, you pay no heed to her/ his color, creed, caste, religion and even to marital status. So, if it is not wrong to fall in love, loving a married man is also no wrong.

      But, it is wrong on the side of a married man/woman to enter into a relationship with some other person. That is cheating. That is wrong.

      Even if it is not wrong to love a married man, it is wrong to keep a relation with him.

      See, what happened when a woman had a huge crush on his married boss at https://www.bonobology.com/huge-crush-married-boss...

    • profile image

      2 months ago

      I don't share my man to anyone. So no way in this wide world I would accept him to sleep with another woman. Luckily, I found that man for 17 years and still going strong....

      A married man said he loved me, and I am telling you the chemistry is VERY strong.

      Bottom line, I don't share a man with any woman as long as I live. If I die yes, he can sleep with other woman. If he or I cross the line. It's OVER. Just simple as that. So that said, I don't sleep with a married man who also sleep with his wife.

      AGAIN, I DON'T share a man with another woman. I said that I do that with my clear consciousness.

      So if you allow or accept the situation whether you like it or not, I am sorry but sounds like you are NOT a strong person at all. You're your worse enemy. Don't blame on him/her or feel SO SORRY for yourself.

      You know Why? because, in the end IT'S NOT ALL WORTH IT. I RESPECT MYSELF ABOVE ALL. NO MARRIED MAN is worth it.

    • profile image

      Aditi 

      2 months ago

      Affair with a married man is something like feeling as if you are inside a pressure cooker. Many and many things cook inside you. You just do not know what is happening with you and what should be done? You are in constant fix over the point that either wrong is happening to you or it is you are who is doing the wrong?

      The sense of guilt starts to take over you and your affair with man and makes the situation go even worse.

      But that even teaches you a lot of things. Most of the married men who have affair with other women are found to cheat even the girlfriend. They have commitment issues.

      You can get amazing look at about dating a married man. This story is about a 17 year old lass who had an affair with https://www.bonobology.com/learned-affair-married-... (https://www.bonobology.com/learned-affair-married-...

    • profile image

      Rae 

      3 months ago

      What if no kids are involved and his wife is never around. They are military so they rushed into a relationship and he already filed for divorce. She is deployed, but now she is coming back. He claims he is going to finalize everything and make sure his name is off everything, but im not stupid. He is ex military so they have that connection that I would never understand. After all he loved her enough to marry her even though they only dated for two months and she asked him first. When she gets back in town they are gonna have sex. I know it! I already cut things off with him, but he refuses to let me go. We arent the emotional type, so he will be like “no im coming over anyway i dont care”, he’ll get here and say “hey big head you still trippin?” I honestly feel like he dosent take what im saying seriously. We dont even have sex. Its been almost a month. Agin his wife is away and we been on this rollercoaster for 3 years.

      Timeline:

      He married in 2014

      Met him online 2015

      Found out he was married 2016 (through someone else)

      Cut him off a month later and didn’t speak for months (when we finally sat down and talked about it.)

      I got a boyfriend... then broke up 8 months later lol

      Decided to become friends in 2016 and he apologized (i got mad and cut him off agin, i felt there was something more)

      2017 he finally reached out and said he would tell me everything i need to know so i came over. He told me is wife got deployed but they are separated and he filed for divorce.

      2018 Now we are falling hard for eachother, he met my family (they actually know he’s married, only the woman in my family and my dad)

      Summer of 2018 his wife is about to come back... I dont trust him so i dont have faith he will go through with finalizing the divorce. So literally I ignored him and we hadn’t spoken in a week or two i left to go out of town and found a note on my door from him. I literally wanted to cry. It made me feel special. Come to find out his phone broke the day after I ended things. So I called his job and he was happy to gear from me and we laughed about the situation.

      The sad thing is he was telling the truth about his phone. I didn’t believe him. I assumed his phone was on but didnt want contact with me because his wife may be back so he’s just stopping by on his free time.

      I told him that we shouldnt still see eachother anymore and he should definitely focus on his wife! I dont want to be the reason he is getting a divorce! I want him to try one last time when sge gets back and I love him enough to see that he is happy without me.

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      Su 

      3 months ago

      The article feels like saying story of mine. I got love with a married man with 2 sons. We started our relationship with truth in our family. He has 2 kids I have one. We are in relationships since 5 yrs. after a year past I don't feel like someone touch me apart of my love so I left my husband. Even it is very hard and painful that when you know your love is having sex with his wife though you left your husband for him. He is saying he can't leave his wife and kids and me too. M really in depression and stress. I couldn't handle the situation anymore.m getting myself in a dark unknown world. M getting away from all happiness then also I can't leave this man. Why I have been chosen to have such depression. I want to come out but I can't leave him. I have told him. Don't leave them but please marry me, I want to stay with you atleast twice a week. It is very painful when he leave me everyday in a lonely world. Now I m feeling so lonely and he is having dinner with his family. What to do? Really I don't want to live. I m fail in life. I left my husband I ruined my life but I can't get him.

    • profile image

      Nettie 

      3 months ago

      That is such a great article

    • profile image

      PatLanesra 

      4 months ago

      Excellent tips! I have never related to an article this much. I'm falling for a married man and it's making me soft. I didn't plan to fall for him, I just wanted someone who's not fully available to hang out with. These days I don't mind paying for dates and I rarely ask for money from him. Reading this I think I should sober up and start making it worth my time. You're right, he's not sacrificing it all for me, why the hell should I!

    • profile image

      Laura Lee 

      4 months ago

      I have been in a long distant relationship for 8 years. When we first met he said he haven't been married nor has any kids. Last year I have visited him and he showed me around his hometown and we even visited his mothers grave. I felt for the 1st time he shared something personal. Last year he proposed to me and we are planning to get married in aug, 2018. I have had this strong intuition during these years being with him he has been cheating on me. But I just ignored this suspicious feeling. The last 3 years he has been eager to start a family with me. Right now I am at his apartment all alone while he says he is 'working'. While he has been working the last 4 days I have been snooping around his place. The first day I found out he had 4 kids and a wife (saw hidden letters and pictures). I was devastated and really sad. The next day I found out he was divorced with 2 children. And I calculated that he was going through this divorce and was married later with this other woman (with 4 kids) and seeing me at the same time. I feel hurt because of his dishonesty and disrespect and much more. I developed feelings for him but I haven't confronted him yet about what I know. Yesterday he I asked him to sign the marriage license papers and he seemed reluctant and then he said he would contact his lawyer first because of the marital status would change his taxes. I am torn because this is exactly what happen with my father. He cheated on my mom with several woman. I felt resentment towards him and called his women for prostitutes. Now I am in the same situation being the other woman. I am in my late 30s and I am somehow desperate to have children and I feel like my clock is ticking, I feel sorry for his wife and kids (who sees him as a hero - read it from his kids letter with a drawing on them). Maybe I am being selfish just to have kids with him but I feel like I don't have the time to find another man. Honestly I don't think the marriage license would be signed. I know it's wrong to continue a relationship with him, but I have invested so much time and feelings that it would be hard to have a life without him.

      Anyone who has experienced this conflict of staying or leaving a married man?

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      Troubled 

      4 months ago

      I am with a married man who has never lied to me about anything. He has never said that he is unhappily married or shown me dreams of getting married to him.

      He has been very straightforward from the start. Even while he proposed he said he knows this is wrong but he can't stay away from me. We have discussed about our feelings a hundreds times and have tried to put an end to this but somehow we keep getting back.

      He makes me his priority always. From the time I open my eyes till I close them he is constantly in touch with me. He shares all his problems, tensions with me. Our relationship is nt only abt sex. He guides me , supports me gives me good advices and looks out for me. He never misses an opportunity to make me feel special. I have a great bonding with his son too. He even discusses his son's progress with me. We both don't want to give him a broken family. Bt if incase he ever decides to leave her i m ready to accept his son with open arms. N this has been going on for the past 6 yrs. Our passion hasn't dropped even 1 % . Initially i used to hope tht he might marry me. But the way this relationship has shaped out marraige no longer seems important to me. Maybe i m going crazy....don't knw. But i want to stay in this relationship. This relationship is far better than the one i had with my ex hubby. N also he is very caring towards my daughters....he really looks out for them...discusses their future n wht all should b done for their future. Neither of us are dependent on another for financial reasons. We are independent bt dependent emotionally. Well does anybody out there understand this relationship?

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      WTF 

      4 months ago

      I can't understand the parts of this article where the married guy must financially support the mistress to make the affair worth her while? If a guy is sleeping with a married woman, does she have to support him financially? I honestly don't get it. A little old fashioned maybe?

      I find myself sleeping with a colleague that is married with two kids. I don't feel good about the fact that he is married, but I am not doing it because he may support me financially or because he may help me buy a house or whatever. This sounds like prostitution to me, which in my point of view is a lot better than what I am doing, but that's beside the point.

      I am sleeping with him because he makes me feel desired and wanted. He gives me pleasure like I haven't experienced before. It is my choice to be part of this, and this has nothing to do with money.

      How does making him support you financially make things any better? It would make me want to kill myself if after having passionate sex with me, he sent me some money or dropped some notes on my bed.

      I own up to the fact that I am a horrible person for doing this, I cannot justify it or make excuses. It is a selfish, demeaning and foolish act and that's the end of it.

      I don't want him to leave his family. I love my independence and seeing him sporadically and with no emotional complications suit me well.

      It sucks and it's a choice, so if it sucks that much, move away or deal with the consequences.

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      4 months ago

      If you are emotionally or sexually involved with a married person, you need to STOP immediately. EJECT, and RUN. Seriously. You may not have a clue but you are being complicit in the absolute destruction of another's life. Your "sweetheart"'s wife or husband did NOTHING to deserve what you and their spouse are doing to them. Your actions will VERY likely cause them to develop PTSD when they find out. If you don't believe that, you need to take a big step back and look at some of the current research about relationship traumas and betrayal. Serious. STOP. There is NOTHING. I mean absolutely NOTHING positive that comes from cheating. It is a cancer upon the lives of everyone involved.

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      Yetunde 

      4 months ago

      Am in a relationship with a married man,when ever I bring a topic that some days our relationship will end he will be mad at me,his he using me or what?

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      Mamngonyama 

      4 months ago

      Dating with a married man its not good becouse everything you need to do is limited i am dating with a married man its been 8 years now last year he proposed me but I didn't accept his ring i said i will accept it when he pay damage bcz now its only me and him know about this ring even his family didn't know about me.

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      vv 

      4 months ago

      I'm dating a married man who happens to have a girlfriend, so where do I stand in this.

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      lizzyautumn 

      4 months ago

      I have fallen in love with a man on the internet. we live in different country and so far . after 3 months he just told me that he has a family and kids already and they're still say in same house but he tolds he's unhappy with his wife cuz she just working, not much time see kids and if has holidays, she'll goes out to meet friends and now he really loves me. on this time i love him too and i believe him i think he doesn't love his wife already. after 1 year together, he tolds his wife will change job and i think that's nice cus she will spend much times with kids and after she was changing her job, yes she much more time for kids and stay home. but i don't think on that he will has not much time for me. now it's 2 years will 3 years soon, i have asked him much time if we can meet in real but he tolds he can't cuz he doesn't need lose kids, i asked him if he needs plan to divorce, he tolds not now cuz kids still small and kids important for him, he said "when he saw kids happy and saw she happy when together, it's make he feels bad if lose this" after i heard this i just need cry so much and i think it's impossible and just like build castle in the air. yes we talk much about dream or our future but after i heard this it's made make heart broken and i know at last he still will not choose me. and yes i need to know his friends, his family or live beside him one time he tolds me "stop stalking his family on facebook" i just go see but i cannot touch, i don't add or message cuz he fear his wife knows. i always know it's just a dream but i love him and he's a good guy. now i still not meet him in real and i don't know how to fight with this feelings, it's so complicated

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      alex 

      5 months ago

      I'm courtly dating with a man who was married. They are not together with the girl for 7 years and still not annulled. he was honestly telling me everything from the start and I can't help my self falling in love with this man. The man was afraid of getting new relationship with me but he was afraid of letting me go . what should I do?

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      Jazzy 

      5 months ago

      I'm glad I came across this. I'm seeing a married guy who totally lied about his relationship status. He's a coworker who gets angry at me when he sees me talking to other male co-workers. I needed this, thanks for the insight

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      GZZ 

      5 months ago

      [Rihanna's We Found Love (in a hopeless place) as the background music] Ladies I don't have the time and energy to read into each and every different cases I have to life to live. So here is a general principle: when it suffers, let it suffer. Then you will know what to do. You all need to step up to try yo think through your own problems. And lastly, you earn a good life by yourself, not anyone else.

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      Derby 

      5 months ago

      well said

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      Sassy 

      5 months ago

      I've been involved with a guy recently. We do not stay in the same country. He comes to my country every two months for work then we meet each other. On his first visit, we've gone out a couple of times and he actually asked for other times to be with me although back then I'm in an open relationship with another guy hence I really don't pay attention to him. After his first visit, he went back to his home country and continued chatting and keeping in touch with me. By that time, I have not much interest in him as the other guy I dated and I decided to be exclusive. Unfortunately, the other guy has issues with commitment and isn't emotionally available so I ended our relationship. Then the first guy messaged me asking why I've been quiet and whether I've been upset. I thought it's an opportunity to forget the other guy so I reconnected with this guy. We went on chatting for a month before he came back to the country where I'm at. We met and I introduced him to my friends. My friends liked him and I did see that he was able to mingle with us inspite the fact that we are totally from different cultures. After that meeting, I went home with him to his hotel. And we had sex. That is my first time to have sex with anyone. It's not because I'm saving it for marriage but because my gut feel tells me whether I should do it or not. But for some reason with this guy, I felt a deep connection with and I never had hesitations to do it with him. I'm 27. We spent all the days he was here together. I even took care of him when he got sick. Then we even had a night when we just cuddled and no sex involved. He was gentle and respectful all the time. He left for his country again, we continued chatting and he's not the type who chats. I opened up my thoughts about it and I did see that he exerted more effort in keeping in touch with me. Our messages are filled of I miss yous and I can't wait to see you messages. I've never been more patient with anyone than I was with him. Then after a month, something urged me to research about him. I found his linkedin account then his fb. I never like adding the guy Im dating on social sites to avoid me seeing his past life. But what I found out after a week of stalking is heartbreaking. I was led to a fb page of a woman who is married to him. They've been together for 11 years and married since 2013. They don;t have kids. I ended the relationship right away when I found out and he told me this "I'm sorry for not being honest with you :(. I have never done anything like this. But I like you and that's why I never had the nerve to tell you the truth." This broke my heart so much as I've been someone who's never afraid to tell the truth though it's going to be hurtful and scary. Because I believe that it's better to hurt the person with the truth than make him happy with a lie. I stopped all connection with him after that. But my heart hurts so much whenever i remember that he's the one that I've give my whole self to.

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      Qasey 

      5 months ago

      Deep

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      Mina 

      5 months ago

      I’m glad you wrote this article I only regret not coming across it years ago.

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      Lile 

      5 months ago

      Its not a comment as such, but i need an advice. i'm dating a married man and he pays the bills,rent and all that, but i want him to buy me a car.. How do i ask for it and wont it cause any problems? He says he loves me and by his actions i see that and believe it too.

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      Mina 

      5 months ago

      I ended the relationship I was with a married man after three years. I kept saying I wasn’t in love him but this break up hurts physically and mentally. I wasn’t even getting anything out of it really just sex when he felt like and appearance of him caring fans giving me attention which is what I was desperate for in the first place. We went a few places together but he would disappear for months then text “are you mad at me” and I’d open the door to let him back in. He wasn’t giving me anything financially and I paid for meals more than he did. I bought my house he wouldn’t even help me tape up a box and he knew I had a shoulder injury from a car accident. Didn’t even say congratulations when I bought my house, he said he would get a house that cost more. We went to Mexico and he paid for the trip and I paid for airfare so a sugar daddy he was not. He didn’t text me as much anymore and we didn’t do things together anymore not even a movie. He gave me herpes in February and even though he knew I was crying, depressed and alone he didn’t even try to see me or call. Just a text saying “I’m sorry”. A whole month went by and he didn’t try to see me. Didn’t even offer to help pay for the medicine. I couldn’t look at his Facebook and watch him play the family man. No contact for almost a month but I keep thinking about him. I’m trying to date and focus on other parts of my life. This wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t in a new city with no friends. He told me was married and never said he would leave his wife and I never asked him to just thought someone else would come along a lot sooner. It hurts not having him in my life and it hurt when he was in my life because I was never his priority ever.

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      Ashley 

      5 months ago

      From hard pain and experience, dating a married man is extremely hard. I am always wondering his true feelings for his wife even though they are separated. I have gut feelings that he secretly private messages her on YouTube and messenger...and a couple of other females as well. I have not once felt secure with him. The worrying never stops. I feel like an idiot for being loyal to him.

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      Lori 

      5 months ago

      I've read the article and some comments. ..I have been with my guy over 7yr . We have had ups and downs. He has been honest from the beginning. And we have love and trust but I'm not unrealistic I know he most likely won't leave. I've met other guys and dates. Add to the mix another married man. They know about each other. I love them both for different reasons. As long as you can live with it and know what's real.

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      Roxy 

      6 months ago

      Well written.....

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      Rosemarie Walker 

      6 months ago

      I comment earlier...I really live this man but just the mixed feelings killing me...a do know he loves me ..he want to know if I'm ok, if a eat, he spend way more time with me than his family, a know how every dollor spend when he gets his pay cheque, he's ma best friend.. He shows so much interested in me...a really need your help on this...really need your advice..

      Could you please email me @

      rosemariewalker363@yahoo.com

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      Rosemarie Walker 

      6 months ago

      I have been with this married man for a year now..he's everything to me..he spend way more time with me than he's family..the way he makes me feel i offen forget I'm not his wife..but each time he leave ma house it hurts I'm so in love with him..he's ma best friend I even See's he's play slips fa each mouth he hides nothing from me but he's telling me that he wife and him isn't intimate sometimes I do believe due to our sex life and how often we have sex but on another hand I fail to believe...he's even planning to send me on to college September..I am just emotionally drain right now I want him for my self but its just taking to long..however he's very jealous I can't see anyone else...he do makes me feel wanted but him being married his causing our relationship...I love him do want to leave because of his situation but its hard to do..I'm just having the bunch of mixed feelings right now...

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      aj 

      6 months ago

      My case was different cos I met him single. We've been in relationship for almost 3 years then he decided to go for arranged marriage. I was so broke and so down that he just decided so fast without thinking of our relationship . I can't blame his culture and his family's plan for him. So, I still keep in touch with him even after his marriage and he is giving response as well that he still loves me and don't want to leave me. I know it's unfair for me now, knowing that He has wife now and I am waiting for him to come back to me.

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      A nony mouse 

      6 months ago

      merry williams,

      is this real. In your position, I think I might have asked the spell caster to make my cheating husband's manhood go gangrenous and drop off.

      Hope that gives everyone a good laugh!

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      Joy 

      6 months ago

      Hi Ladies, i have been looking foe woman who have been the same road as i am taking now. I have been knowing this guy since last June and dating him now for 9 months. We have alot in common but what i think i love most about him is that he's been honest from jump. We live 3 hours away so we don't really see each other much. Yet we talk everyday. He has 2 kids with his wife and they have been married 17 years. I have never dated a married man before and i told him i had no intentions on being with one!! Totally against everything i stand for but what do you do when he's everything you need. He calls my kids and ask them how there day went at school, keeps them in line, sings to them, and they love him but never met him. I on the other hand love him but i do see other guys to keep me from falling head over heels. He dont tell me sweet nothings but i can always tell through his actions that he do love me as well. I have nothing but respect for him and he has respect for me. He says its ok if i see other guys but i know for fact that was a whole lie. I think man i need to really let this go cause he never will. He's saying and doing more each day to prove to me that he cares for me and i don't even think he realizes it. I love him but i know im going to have to let it go. He thinks we will still remain friends but i don't know if i could.

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      Kim 

      6 months ago

      I cant relate to you alicia...

      Same situation...

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      A nony mouse 

      6 months ago

      Dear Violeta,

      there are in my opinion 3 likely reasons for being the other woman

      1) The woman is or has been unaware that the guy is married and is either in a state of blissful ignorance or by the time she finds out the score she is too emotionally invested.

      2) The possibility that the woman is somehow emotionally damaged and so either feels unworthy of a full-time relationship and is simply grateful for the crumbs from some wife's table.Or she sees a relationship with a married man as a way of validating her own attractiveness (see I can attract a married man, who is risking so much to be with me)

      3) They are possibly women who want all the advantages of a relationship (meals out, holidays, roof over their head, gifts, perfume, chocolates, wine, lingerie etc), but do not want the disadvantages (man 24/7, tolerating irritating habits 24/7, cleaning, cooking, ironing, for the guy, lack of their own space, sharing their finances, children etc)

      And no the guy does not respect his wife and family, or he would not be diverting funds and time away from their family. My ex husband left after over 9 years, but it did not work out with the mistress or wife number 2, so I guess you could say he had a big dose of karma and to be quite honest the mistress did me a big favour, as I think I am much better off without this cheating scumbag.

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      Violeta 

      6 months ago

      I am trying hard not to judge but please help me understand why do you do it?There are plenty of hot,decent single men out there waiting for a good woman to love them,what's the allure of dating a married man?Its not like they would ever love you,leave their wives for you,treat you as an equal or marry you,so what's the allure?If I had a grown daughter who asked me if dating a married man was worth it,I'd tell her no,because I'd want her to have more respect for herself,& have self esteem.That she deserves a single man with good values & shows her respect while listening to her & letting her speak her mind.If a married man approached me to be his misstress,I would say no,I personally have respect for myself,love myself,& know I'm not going to lower myself to being some guys sexy"sidedish".Believe me ladies,I know how hard finding a great guy is,but they are out there.On a side note,how would you feel if you were in the wifes shoes raising kids with a man you love thinking all is well,& than to have your whole world crumble when the truth comes out?I know this sounds condescending, but have you ladies ever thought about heightening your standards & loving yourselves enough to not let a guy use you as his personal sex toy?Surely you all know deep down,the married man you love,will continue to love & respect his wife & family not you,so why put yourself through the heartache?

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      GZZ 

      7 months ago

      To Cd first, i feel ya and yes "be careful and think before dating a man", especially the married/occupied ones. I will not judge any woman who chooses to do that because that's life things happen, but you need to be strong if you want to play. And hell ya the single life! I love coming home whatever the time i want!

      And then, for husband/boyfriend i understand & allow if they are demanding, but if my lover starts being GZZ GZZ GZZ and makes me feel bad for his wife/girlfriend, I will disappear immediately, with a "goodbye" mark written in shining red lipstick on the bedstand. No difference even if he threatens with suicide. If he really does commit suicide, then it's better he stay dead instead of continue to insult my IQ. So it all depends how ruthless you can be and how much you want to love yourself. Here is a quote from Coco Chanel: As long as you know men are like children, you know everything!

      And lastly, Why the heck did I receive an email from HubPages editor about "How to be single and mingle"? What the hell does my status have to do with your editor or whatever whoever writes? Either some staff saw my comment and sent me that promotion, or a data analysis machine sorted me to that promotion. Either way my privacy feels invaded and I will thus unsubscribe from all the feeds from this website. But I will find a way to reply my dear Diana since she cares to be curious about my story.

      So now, let's see if the author has the ball to let public of this comment (evil laughing here hahaha)

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      Alicia 

      7 months ago

      I'm really glad I came across this article. I'm currently in a relationship with a married man for around half a year. He made it clear from the beginning that he's married (and has one son) but not having sex anymore with his wife for years. He said that he loves her "as a family", not in a romantic way, and they have chosen to not get divorce because of the son. He also said I'm not the first "girlfriend" he had; there were two other women before me.

      I felt happy in the beginning because I know that he loves me (even until now). But then my happiness turns to guilt when he begins to spend more of his time with me; even keeps texting me all day and calling me when he's home. Also, he never hesitates to show his feeling in public area, such as holding my hand or kiss and hug me. However, when I talked to him about the future, he said firmly that he cannot leave his family.

      I wouldn't lie that this relationship puts me in a dilemma. I feel left behind and lonely every time he comes home to his family, but at the same time I feel guilty if he spend more time or money with me than his family. All this feeling makes me unhappy, I can't feel the joy of the relationship.

      I openly talked about all my feelings to him and said that I want to break up. Come to think of it, I had asked for break up twice, but he always cried and begged me to stay in his life because he said he loved me so much and that I was the gift that he's got in his ruined life. I don't see why he doesn't want to let me go. What's the point of having this kind of relationship?

      Last month I got pregnant, and he immediately asked me to abort the pregnancy. I was really really depressed, it made me so stressed and had miscarriage. :( It was my first pregnancy in my life, not a very nice experience. He was there, took care of me 24 hours for weeks until my health condition was better and no further doctor check up needed.

      I have a feeling that maybe, maybe he really loves me, but he's too comfortable with his married life to sacrifice anything for our relationship.

      Now I am here sitting alone, typing on this comment while he's at home with his family. I am now thinking of seeing other guys behind his back, but I don't know if it is fair for him, because he's always truthful to me (as far as I know).

      But the part of this article: "How many men do you know who are ruining their lives because of a woman? Now, how many women do you know who have sacrificed all for a man? Women need to think and act the way men do to find happiness." really really slaps me out and makes me want to get out of this messy relationship.

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      Cherice deurne 

      7 months ago

      You wouldn't date a married man. Read my story than you know why I'm telling you that.

      Man will not tell the thruth because they know but that not all women are wlling to date a married man. Thats right but its the choice for the other woman to make. there are lots of  women doing that. I dated a married man for 3 years. Before i found out that he was/is married. He lied about being married with children and about his age.sometimes when I was in my bed and he was stending nakend in front of the mirror i was like i dont believe that this man is that age he's been telling me. Im a woman and i know the diffrent between a body of a man and a boy..not to talk about the d thing. (lol) let me say it like that. And i was like or you shure you have told me the thruth about your age? i found out when we went on holliday together and after we came back i posted a picture on his fb. The next day i went back i saw my picture was delete. there was a picture of a strange woman on his fb timeline instead of the one i posted. .when i ask about it he said it was a friend and he didnt even saw my picture on his page so he didnt know who deleted the picture.. i was like..man your lying because nobody have acces to  your fb account if they dont have your password. I told him i want her picture to delete also. After a few days i went back and her pic  was still there. .I ask Again and he said he dont know how to remove pics from fb. That i should do it. From that point i start getting susspicious. And i start my  research. started with his tablet, because he left it at my place. So i started with his emails.. Girl ..i found out alot. Because the woman i saw on his fb was not even his wife. I saw messages between him and that woman.  and i tell you that from the messages i knew it was not just a friend. I saw messages on Messenger he was telling someone  go and bring money for wife to pay my children school fees. I was in shock. I felt like my heart has dissapeared. At that point he was not only fooling me.because he was bussy with lots of ladies. From my country and his country. The wife is leaving in his country. And í  think thats why it took me that long to find out. Because he had enough time for me. I cofronted him the same day he was shocked also. I told him when I ask question you better answere them because if i want to know something i will.. it may take awhile but i will. and when I do you will not like me. I can go far so he appoligized, kneel down telling me his wife is leaving in his country and he lied about his age because of his paper to stay in this country. I was like..waw. so when you get the paper what will happend? But i didnt ask because i knew the whole story already.  Then he start crying he wanted to tell me But everytime there was something else and because i was sick he was affraid of the affect on my condition. I mean 3 whole years. I was not sick when you first met me. From the start is ok with the secrets, but not when you see that the relationship is getting serious  thats the time you can still make it up and tell the truth..maybe i wouldve appriciated more than to go on and find it out my self..But after that i stopped trusting him. Everything was diffrent. When i was calling And he didnt answere, when he was on his phone .than it was like he is bussy with another. When he was touching me i couldnt stand it. I started nagging for the little things. And so i decided to stop the relationship. I felt betrayed. I felt like it was not my choice, because if  i knew,  i would'nt start a relationship with him.. so since 2 weeks ago i broked the relationship. Im even thinking to informed  the immigration service that he lied about his age to get his staying here because im still angry,. So this was my story. My advice to yall ladies out there, be carefull and think before dating a man. For now i will enjoy my single life. And all the men should  stay the hell of me!

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      GZZ 

      8 months ago

      Dear aberdeen, thank you for the thoughts given to my case and the comment.

      As someone commented before, this is just going to be a fling. I have no interest in interfering in his family at all, well if you want to criticize what I want to do I have to say I am a human and thus should be allowed to follow my heart sometime. I have no desire for him to divorce his wife at all. He actually once hinted to me about a future. I understand a man’s bond to his wife and kids and therefore sincerely wish him and his wife and kids a lifetime of companionship, happiness and health.

      Indeed, my ambition is too big to be trapped by a man or two, even if he or them might be the love of my life, in different ways. Maybe I should be condemned for taking advantage of my youth to “waste” 2 years of my life just for a demise, I can not open up my heart to anyone now until I see him, in order to move on. My way of coping with the hopelessness is simply to count on my personality that I am born with, which I still haven’t found the exact English word to translate it, more like free like wind and doesn’t care.

      So I am going to be stubborn and thus impolite to you: I am going to use my own money to fly to see him.

      To love,

      GZZ

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      aberdeen 

      8 months ago

      GZZ, girl, don't do it. if it's meant to be, then it will simply happen. just a few weeks ago my friend, who was madly in love with a married guy had a harsh reality check. she just heard he will not leave his child and that he doesn't need to be happy, he just wants to live with his kid. so a classic scenario: a wife who probably knows what's going on, using kids as a weapon, and a husband who is too much of a pussy to drag her neurotic ass to therapy. a lot of hurt women try to get back on their husbands, and they can't think of any other way.

      so let's imagine you get they guy, he divorces his wife, and then what? are you prepared for her anger, screaming matches and constant abuse (not direct, but i can guarantee she will make their kids resent you). please reconsider that, don't waste your wonderful years for a drama.

    • GlendaGoodWitch profile imageAUTHOR

      GlendaGoodWitch 

      8 months ago from California

      @ End Silent Suffering. Thank you for the sweet compliment. Also, your comment made my day. Congratulations to you.

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      EndSilentSuffering 

      8 months ago

      I really like the way you write, GlendaGoodWitch. You are blunt and your writing is logical and organized, but also humorous and entertaining. I have been struggling in an affair myself trying to remain faithful to "him" but the darkness and loneliness began to consume me. I have been hanging out with one of my exes now and it is MAJOR relief and we are surprisingly reconnecting wonderfully and realizing we are more compatible than we once believed. I realize - and especially upon discovering your article - I am a truly free individual and it is hypocritical and presumptuous of a married man to demand fidelity from his mistress. Think and act like a man for happiness, as well as the putting the shoe on the other foot analogy helped me immensely...I am now beginning to reach clarity, I think, I just feel so scared to end it.

      Thanks again for the great article!

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      GZZ 

      8 months ago

      Lynn67, I know I'm probably too young to offer much validation and probably also too active into other people's business, but there are some lines from the movie Last Night:

      I mean, fuck the vows. It's --

      It's the years you can't undo.

      You will never be able to take away the years with her husband.

      And the moment you try

      this--

      This will be gone, and --

      Trust me.

      That'll be a shame.

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      Lynn67 

      8 months ago

      I've been seeing a married man for 3 years now. It's killing me. He sees me at two breaks at work, 30 mins once a week in the morning and that's it. Never buys me lunch or dinner, never takes me out, no gifts , yet I do counless gifts and things for him. He will never leave his wife of 20 years although she never has sex w him. He has become hateful since he has a lot of pain and medical issues. He says he loves me. Can't let me go but sometimes I wish she would find out so it would be over.

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      GZZ 

      8 months ago

      Lubangonancy: spend on yourself!

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      Frustrated 

      8 months ago

      Met a man at work who is twice my age, but we have an incredible connection that we just can't seem to ignore. He's been married for 30 years and has always been truthful about it. I want out before anything serious happens (we have only kissed once), and this article really helped. Wish me luck.

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      truthslap 

      8 months ago

      Haha i find it so bulls eye.shit why did i ever feel inlove with a married man.my life crushed down.i love him but the priority is he love his son morethan anything else and the sad part is im still hoping that he could dump that wife of him and we can finally made our own..

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      GZZ 

      8 months ago

      Diana: I think I’ve made a friend here haha. Then you will probably need to wait maybe 2 years or more I think. I will come back here to post if I have updates.

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      Diana 

      8 months ago

      GZZ: I understand. You're a romantic like me. You don't want to have regrets. I really hope things work out for you and you don't get more hurt. Let me know how things go.

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      GZZ 

      9 months ago

      Diana: thank you for the comment. Means a lot. God this is such a paranoia. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find that one that truly cares for me. I fell in love with his country and I was thinking if he doesn’t show up, I will simply just enjoy visiting that country. And I think of the reason he doesn’t visit as he can’t because he has a family so I will initiate on my end. This feels like the one thing that I just have to do. There will be no future, but I have to do this to save myself. Sighing... let’s see how life unfolds.

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      Diana 

      9 months ago

      GZZ: My recommendation is to not do it. I know you think now that you can stay emotionally detached and you are not interested in anything more (than a fling). Trust me, you will be hurt. You will get even more attached and waste your youth pining for this person who is using you. I know you think he loves you, and maybe there's part of him that cares about you and I know you think you're different or this is different, and I'm sure you're a beautiful, young, intelligent woman, but please you will be hurt. Think of it this way, if he really loved you, he would visit YOU. Don't make excuses for him.

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      GZZ 

      9 months ago

      Look at all these long posts! We all have some kind of being with a married man stories, don't we?

      I met a man in Europe while I was studying abroad. (I don't want to specify the country for privacy reason) I was working on publishing a paper and needed someone more experienced. He agreed to help and then we got closer. I only stayed in that country for 2 days so we mainly kept in contact via Internet afterwards. We stayed in contact for about a year and then the communication gradually stopped.

      Many things happened. I had a American boyfriend a little older than me but eventually broke up. I am very young, still a college student in the U.S. and just about to experience love. He is much much older than me, definitely older than double of my age. And I know from the beginning that he is married. We had skyped and I can see the ring. But he is just so mature, charming, and intellectual stimulating. And it's only after I broke up with my American boyfriend that I realized I love that European man. I think it is the very first time that I realize I love someone. I think he loves me too, from many details. Although we are not in contact, I feel I just know it from a woman's sixth sense.

      I've been thinking working hard after graduation to save money to fly to Europe to see him. I've read the following posts which all seem to come to the conclusion that being a mistress will only hurt you. But I'm not interested in his wife. (Indeed, I am not interested in anyone's ex) I also have no interest in wrecking his family. (I think he has kids with his wife) I want to go all the way to see him just for the sake of love. If it hurts afterwards, then let it hit. I am not afraid. I am thinking about doing a master's degree in his city. I don't know how this will change the outlook.

      This is the first time that I post something on an online forum. Any comments?

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      Jennifer 

      9 months ago

      I dated a married man casually for 3 years. In that time I met his really yummy younger brother. We spent a lot of time together and both knew we had chemistry. But he had a serious girlfriend at the time. So we didn’t act on it. He always told me he thought I was too good to be involved in an affair. I listened to him and broke it off with his brother shortly after he left town. Didn’t see him for 3 years though he’d called a few times. Now 3 years later, he’s back and single and ofcourse made love to me the very first night. The thing is he also asked me to marry him that night. Said he knew he’s loved me all those years. How do I say yes? What do we say to his brother?

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      aberdeen 

      9 months ago

      wow, this is just incredible how all the stories have something similar in them.

      my story is no different, except one small detail: i am not in love with this man, nor is he with me, I guess.

      we met at work, he was wearing his ring, so it was no secret that he's married. for the first couple of months we just chatted a lot, we really clicked because we love the same things and have similar sense of humor. his wife had a brief idea that i'm the new girl in his team. it was all just talking (although I must admit that sometimes I was like 'damn, why such a man must be taken), we never even met after work. after 6 months of me working there, he said there's a concert we can go to and that he will also bring his friend. I suggested we can all meet for drinks before the gig, either in the city or at my place. smooth sailing, right? right? wrong. for some reason his wife went nuts, they had a massive argument and he looked like a beaten up puppy, so I deducted that he's about to ask me not to go for a concert. I got kind of pissed with that realization and decided to go forward and just resign before he asks me. of course he was sorry, he also tried to give me money back, but at this point I was so done with this bullshit I just said 'go buy sth nice for your wife with it'. and that would be a perfect ending of this nonsense, but no!

      few months later, probably high on him being 'so so fine' (i really cannot believe i was that stupid), we were friends again. he even asked if I will join him and his friends on the mountain trip one weekend, I was of course super mean and was making fun of his leash being too short to go anyway. but we went for a trip. when I arrived only he was there. of course we had sex. I can't even explain why or what was I thinking at that time.

      a week after that he went on 3-weeks holidays with his wife and son (cool, huh?). we could only exchange messages on wickr, he started to sound clingy, I was mostly unsatisfied with that odd way of communicating. I even got a chance of rolling my eyes over picture of him on the beach, which was clearly taken by his wife. no, he did not understand my simple message 'plz don't send me pictures taken by your wife'. enough red flags, that should do it.

      ...aaaand nope. somehow, we've managed to be on and off again for a year and a half. it took him one year to get off his wife bed to the sofa and my medium breakdown (combined with saying goodbye to him) to move out of his house. I never asked him about moving out or a divorce, I only asked him to finally talk with me. Actually I've asked about that 35 times only this year. He always agreed, but obviously never did it. Now I fell he moved out because it was easier to have sex with me that way plus he didn't have to come home late and make up excuses (what a clever boy). just a while after he moved I got pregnant. But first I discovered he's spending weekends with his wife (and nope, not because of the kid, but some event. for fun) without even saying a thing. At this point I got mad, because he asked me a ton of question and I never kept a secret from him about meeting somebody or going somewhere. So I was mad and pregnant. I decided to terminate the pregnancy, and informed him about it. he was acting very concerned, wanted to support the procedure financially but all in all he just wanted to get into my pants again.

      we kept it going for a couple months after, again ups and downs, he still treated me like his property, I was still patiently waiting for him couple of nights a week. His brother got caught up in some f****d up situation, I was supportive. His father started to loose his health over that brother situation - I was supportive. I never said a bad word about him changing plans last minute to go who knows where to save his unstable brother yet again. I gave him some advice how to deal with that guy, but he ignored it (now I think it's because my advice would actually do the job and therefore deprive him of his favourite excuse). but still, I remained calm and understanding.

      i never wanted to listen about his and his wife problems, I usually told him to go and fix it himself, as I don't need any 'sad married man' content in my life. of course I believe he's not happy with her, he mentioned it when we were just friends and I myself witnessed her making a scene over the phone for nothing, multiple times. she even got to the shrink long long time ago and was diagnosed with major anger issues and neurosis, but she said she will not do anything about it, because it's all his fault. yeah, whatever floats your boat, girl. I don't want to sound mean here, I know everybody has his own problems. but somehow he was trying to make me worry only about his, not about mine (and I guess abortion and years of dealing with clinical depression should be deal with and that should be also in the partner's interest. but what do I know?). He met my parents (as a friend, I cannot tell them the truth) and some of my friends, I met none of his. they are all mutual friends of his and hers, plus I don't think he has real friends at all. the wife loves to make scenes and cry in public, blaming all the world except herself for the ending of her marriage and spreading rumors. i asked him to talk with her and calm her down and also (since he is allegedly 'so out of this marriage') start thinking with her about necessary arrangements. not for me, for them. the only way to raise a kid after divorce is to get along, and they're not even close to that. and here comes the cherry on the top: we've reached a point where whatever I ask I just got pushed away, blamed and I get a long list of why not now (applies to literally everything for him), with top one excuse being: oh my brother's in trouble and my parents are both dying (they're not), so this is not a good time for a divorce. and I'm like yeah, but I was just asking if I could help.

      anyway, sorry for my stream-of-consciousness-like comment, english is not my 1st language. now we've reach the end of the story: I just stopped talking to him. it's been almost a month now and for the first time in our 18 months history I don't even feel like it. I just got fed up with hearing all the same empty words and seeing no actual action or caring. at the beginning I felt like I will not fall in love with him as long as he's married (I just simply couldn't, even in the best moments), and now I think I could never love him, meaning after all this I don't think there's a way back. Moreover, there is not a thing to go back to, don't you think? Maybe the circle has closed, soon he's going on holidays wit his son, I wouldn't be surprised if the wife joined, too. He's lease is ending this month, so the doors of coming back home are wide open. Only this time I really don't care anymore.

      Maybe not being in love saved me from feeling pain, but all this months made me feel just empty. Even though I can recall the good moments, I only feel this was a complete waste of time.

      So for all the girls thinking about being a mistress: just run. You can be super chill, supportive and have your own life going on, but you'll still be drained, sad and used. Let the guy show you he's serious, before you even consider sleeping with him

    • profile image

      Alpha 

      9 months ago

      Leave J . Go for W if he's single.

      J will hurt you in the long run

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      cassiaH 

      9 months ago

      By the way. I know some says. The best cure for a break up is to build self esteem. Be sucessful and bla bla bla.

      But J's wife is a professional working woman.clever. rich. Come from a good background family. Same as J. Both very successful. And she still got cheated. I love&respect j's. But i seriously losing faith and dont trust man anymore.

      So Im busy building my career for me n my baby.with his help. Later im gonna fly away from this relationship. Because i know this relay is not going anywhere. I dont even want j to leave her wife because. I cant trust him. To marry him.

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      cassiaH 

      9 months ago

      Been dating a married man(J) with no kid for almost 1 year.. I have 1kid with previous husb. Been dating J since i was married, but we had problematic marriage as hes a gay. After i divorce he started paying for my house and bill. He never lie to me abt his wife. He admit they have sex but seldomly. They trying to have kid. At the same time, some guy(w) is trying to get my attention. J knows about W. I am happy with J. I have my own work, kid and nice good sex. I dont even have to take care of him all the time. Im younger than him so many years. Sometimes J said wanna have kid. But i have trauma to have a kid as my previous husband didnt care abt me and baby..

      Sometimes i snaped and pushing J's away. Because im feeling guilty and at the same time i dont want to leave him because im comfortable right now. And again.. I love the sex...

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      NancyK 

      9 months ago

      I've been dating a married man for 2 months. He also told me that he and his wife are not truly in love even they're living together for over 13 years. I didn't believe him at first but day by day, he always cares and make me feel special that no one can do and i realized that i fell for him truly. I'm trying not to bc I don't want to become a third person. But he's too amazing, he's wonderful...we always have fun together. I love him more and more even i'm trying not to. Please let me know how to cut him out of my life. I don't want to become a home-wrecker

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      carmin 

      9 months ago

      I've been seeing a man now who has been married for 20 years. His wife knows but doesn't want to leave. He has 2 kids and we still have to sneak around. It's so frustrating. Everyone knows, it's the elephant in the room.

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      lauryn 

      9 months ago

      I needed such an article which is motivating and non judgmental.Been dating a man for 6months now and he swears that he is not sleeping with his wife at all,that they are only raising their 9Year old daughter till she is of age to handle the situation but i just dont belive that he loves me.My instincs just sense that he is playing me for a fool which is almost true.I just needed a smater way to handle him because in all honesty,i love him so much and though i am ashamed of myself,I am not quitting yet.

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      SB 

      9 months ago

      Ladies...also keep in mind that if he’s seeing you as a married man, you may not be the only one!! Just remember if he cheats on his wife, what makes you think he will be loyal to you? Some men like to play the cheating game with a girl or two... variety if they can get away with it.

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      Saraya Baker 

      9 months ago

      Thank you so much for this post. I had suspicion of the man I fell in love with seeing other women as well when I got in his truck and his passenger seat was laying down one time. And it wasn’t me. This article helps me see clearer and more rational to the emotional abuse marriedmen can really put on women. I didn’t know he was married til after I fell for him but now I see the outside looking in, instead of inside the emotions looking out of a clouded window. Thank you for this article! I know what I need to do for myself now.

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      Alpha 

      9 months ago

      Hi Janet . He is definately playing with your feelings. Why would he go for his anniversary for weekend getaway if he wanted to be in touch with you?

      He wants to keep the wife happy and have you on the side.

      Tell him that if he really wants to be with you to give you his divorce certificate otherwise to leave you alone. It's hard to deal with this but will save you pain in the long run.

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      Janet 

      10 months ago

      Been with a married man for a year... i love him so much but im feeling very stupid. I feel like a butt of a joke. I end it but he calls me or texts me telling me how much he needs me. And its something i love seeing. But i think i know he does it on purpose... he wont leave his wife. Theyve been together for ever. They just had a weekend get away for their anniversary and he messaged me every day they were away. And he met me the next day after they had come back. I felt a connection from him since day one. How can i walk away and keep it that way. He seriously is crushing my heart.

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      Alpha 

      10 months ago

      Hi Too Trusting. Better you move on with your life. I have been in the same situation and been hanging there for 5-6 years. He told me same....when kids turn 18 he will get divorced. Still hasn't and kids are 18 up. Wants another 5 years. In the beginning of dating we didn't have sex too and he kept giving me hopes for the future and was saying he isn't intimate with the wife and they sleep separately...yet they go on holidays, dinners, plays, movies etc. It's not true. 6 years have passed and he's treating me badly not wanting to talk to me or spend time. Shouts at me every now and then. And am so stuck to get out this rut.

      My advise leave it....you don't know what is going on behind your back...he may be lying to you and sleeping with the wife and he may never leave her because of the daughters. Don't fall in love with him. Biggest mistake I made when I fell in love with a guy who can't provide you with a future but promises Which he will NEVER fulfil.

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      Too Trusting 

      10 months ago

      About a month ago I started dating a married man. When we first started talking I thought he was divorced. I knew immediately at our first date that he was a man of honesty and integrity. He has two 15 year old daughters who are on the low spectrum of autism. After our second date he told me that because of all the care that his daughters need he and his wife have not divorced. I ended our dating relationship immediately but continued to talk to him as a friend. Both of our feeling kept growing so I started dating him again but I have not had sex with him. He has told me that he and his wife had not had sex for 3 years and that they are just roommates, separate bedrooms. I have told him the problem that I have dating someone who is married whatever the reason. I told him that I am looking for a partner in life not someone to just have fun with. He agreed but his plan was to get divorced when the girls turn 18 because they would get disability that would help take care of them and he would not feel like he is abandoning them. I told him I would never wait that long. Here is the plan that we have come up with. We are going to date and then if things get serious he is going to tell his wire and come up with a plan to get a divorce but still take care of his girls. I am not sure if I should continue to date ? Also I have not slept with him yet but I know it’s just a matter of time. I’m trying to keep a clear head but this is a tough one. I’m sure you are wondering why even date him at all. I can only say that he is everything that I am looking for except that he is married due to circumstances. Ugh. We have had a lot of communication about what my needs are and what I am expecting moving forward and he had agreed to meet my needs and expectations. Any thoughts ?

    • profile image

      Alpha 

      10 months ago

      I need some help

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      No1YouKnow 

      10 months ago

      I have a doozy, I'll try to keep this short. My boyfriend is married, we've been together for almost 7 months. History: We've known each other for 10+ years, I almost went to work for him in 2008. Now, I do, started working with/for him August 2016. Yes, my boyfriend is not only married, but he's also my boss. We also go to the same CrossFit gym and are workout partners from time to time (that's how we reconnected, he tried to hire me a few times). And, we also run together 4x per week. We have a lot of little bits of togetherness everyday.

      When we started our affair, we talked and asked each other the question "do you really want to do this?" or "do you realize how f-cking stupid this is?". He said to me "I'm not getting a divorce. And you're not going to hold yourself back for me." We had a deal. I knew how this relationship was going to go. Fast forward 7 months - we are in love with each other, love being with each other and he's now getting a divorce. This changed the deal. We were not supposed to fall inlove with each other. He was not going to get a divorce.

      Ugh, I don't know what to do - to breakup or not breakup? One one hand, I want to stay by his side, be there when he needs me, his best friend, through this tough time. I feel like I would be abandoning him during this difficult time. On the other hand, I think it would be best for us, especially him, to breakup because he doesn't need a girlfriend right now, he's got enough on his plate (work and divorce) and I'm not sure I can handle how our relationship has changed since the divorce and work getting busier, as we don't spend as much time together or talk/text as much. I know he's very busy at work and has more than enough. But at the same time, I don't ask for a whole lot and making some time for me, say one hour a week of quality face to face time a week isn't much. I don't think.

      He's told me to give this (divorce and us) time and asked that I be patient. He does realize that if I were to meet someone, I have every right to go out on a date with someone else (that too was part of the deal - I don't hold myself back for him).

      I want to stay, but then again I don't. I want to end the pain and suffering now, but feel like I'm being selfish if I give up on us/him. This is absolute torture.

      I'm also afraid as to how our relationship ends. We agreed "we are friends no matter what happens. Best friends forever." Deep down, I know how these relationships end, and it's never good or how we want/dream them to be. At least not for me, that's my luck. So, I also struggle with - should I continue to delay the inevitable or grab my ovaries of steel and end the relationship now while we are ahead (we've not been caught, no one suspects our affair, etc).

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      J B G 

      10 months ago

      This is all so true!!!

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      Alpha 

      10 months ago

      I had an awful experience with a married man. Dated him for 6 years. He kept saying he wants to leave his wife. First he said he will leave her in 5 years once his kids go to Uni. Last year he said he wants to leave after another 5 years. Now he is saying he doesn't know. He may never. Then he says "one day" he will. His kids are in uni and still hasnt. He takes his wife and family on holidays at least 5-6 times in a year. He says he is not intimate with her. We are hardly having sex, meet may be once a week for 20 mins or so and don't talk much on the phone now. He made me reduce all this by shouting at me that he has other things to do.

      The pain comes when he dumps every time he goes on a holiday and abruptly say "goodbye" without any explanations. When he is back he apologises and we continue. Last 2 years I have been clinging on to this relationship with a fear of being lonely and not finding love. I get jealous of his wife and convince him to spend time with me. I keep getting sucked in this relationship and find it hard to leave...because I am so used him going totally blunt and nasty at me and I keep accepting it and maintain this relation. I know there is no future to this. Counselling has not helped me. Part of me wants to move on and find someone else. The other part of me is accepting emotional abuse from him with a hope that he will be with me.

      Am totally finished and hurting every day.

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      Lavien 

      10 months ago

      Thank you TT

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      tt 

      10 months ago

      Lavien,

      You just got a new job - and with this situation I sincerely believe you should leave your job - get away from the situation as soon as possible - find a different job. It's not that you've been in this job for a long time so it's not hard to leave. Your boss married for 10 and now there is a baby involve too. Please leave him and his family alone. I know it's hard but it NOT impossible. I do it myself. I never have sex with the married guy but I cut off the relationship - and time will heal all sorrow - also you left him it makes you a strong woman and you do the right thing for leaving the job and leaving a married man for everyone's including yourself sake. You can do it.

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      Lavien 

      10 months ago

      I have a bf and he has a friend for 20 years , I got a new job and my bfs friend is my boss , he is married for 10 years never had a child , after 4 months of boss staff relationship we fell in love , two months after ongoing fairytale wife ended up being pregnant , had 6 miscarriage before , I cried he didn’t wanna let me go , and as soon as time passes by I started developing love for this man , and he started getting attached with his wife and she’s about to deliver in 2 months and first child , I have been treating my gem boyfriend like crap and I can’t love him , and he picks on me for being with my bf , we fight almost every week or every day , nowadays he insist to break up with me and we eventually get back but his foundation with his wife has improved , even when we get back he is not the person I knew before , he doesn’t spend enough time , he is always on his phone , his diversion everything is on that baby and I’m being blamed . I’m confused what should I do ?

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      nutbrownhare 

      10 months ago

      "What's the best cure for a man? The answer is another one!"

      Erm... I beg to disagree. The best 'cure' for a man is to build up your self-esteem to a point where you're not seeking validation from a lying cheat. To have a rich, fulfilling life and the resources to make wise decisions about who you hop into bed with... and to use between times for a bit of self-discovery so you don't seek out guys who will require you to be 'cured'.

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      Boricua Princess 

      10 months ago

      I am a married woman, I have been with my husband for 30 years (married 12). I recently reconnected with a guy that I was with in HS. I have been in love with this man all these years even though we went on with our lives, married and had children with our spouses. We reconnected over FB messenger. Come to find out after talking with him he has felt the same way about me all these years (he mentioned it first). We have met once and it was really nice to see him, we talk and text daily and are planning another meeting soon (no sex). There has been talk about the future and we both agree that it is not in either of our best interest to leave our spouses. I know it's wrong but being around him brings out something I haven't felt in years. Other posts mentioned being jealous of his wife, I can say I am not jealous of her or the life they have together. We have a friendship that will last a lifetime albeit one that our spouses do not know about.

    • profile image

      what the 

      11 months ago

      Ann,

      I know a typical nice caucasian woman felt for a Muslim guy - they have 3 sons together - he used her to get citizenship and left her and 3 boys when they are still very small and went back to his first wife (Muslim wife) This woman died of cancer couple years ago and these 3 boys grew up kind of violent and wild. This is a true story.

    • GlendaGoodWitch profile imageAUTHOR

      GlendaGoodWitch 

      11 months ago from California

      Ann,

      Do not divorce your husband just to be used my a Muslim man. In America you are not lower than a man, which means that you don't share a husband with several other women. You are headed for a life of abuse and misery if you don't dump him ASAP......

      Even then, be careful. Muslims are known to disfigured women who they cannot control. I have personally witnessed some horrific things. These men are just not worth any of your time....

    • profile image

      Ann 

      11 months ago

      im in reletionship with man married almost 2yrs... we both married i know from the beginning that he dont divorce his wife.. he asked me to divorce my husband he can married 2 or more because he is islam.. i dont know what to do now. i love him.. i not happy with my marriage life my husband he heat everytime we figth because i have a kid with him i stay even he heat me. my man married ask about my family i lied i say im happy with them im happy with my husband even if im not happy..

    • profile image

      JU 

      11 months ago

      Julia,

      In case you have not read this - someone wrote:

      The goal of most cheaters is to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side. The majority of cheaters have no desire to (replace) one relationship with another. Essentially they're looking to "compliment" what they already have.

      So you should know you are his secondary relationship. you are complimentary to what he is already have. So basically you are his mistress and that's all you will ever be.

      your life your choice.

      Should you deserve to be in a primary relationship with someone who truthfully love you? His love is not truthfully because he is selfish and just use you and cheat on his wife and lie to both of you. I suggest for you to get out.

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      li 

      11 months ago

      Lyric693 - if you are married to a man - he is your husband and some other woman sleep with him weekly and share some of the money with that woman. Is that ok with you? you will share your husband with other woman?

    • profile image

      Lyric693 

      11 months ago

      Ok so I have been with a married man for 2 years. He told me he was married from the beginning but they had problems. He was my first boyfriend and the first person I ever fell in love with. In the beginning when I needed it he did help me financially but I don't need his help anymore. I don't really want him to divorce his wife at this point but I still want to see him. There are times that I feel a little .. wrong maybe? The question is do I still hang out or is this so unhealthy Im not seeing that it is

    • GlendaGoodWitch profile imageAUTHOR

      GlendaGoodWitch 

      11 months ago from California

      A Man- no they would not. Contrary to political correctness genders are different.

    • profile image

      A MAN 

      11 months ago

      Change the genders on this. Would these rules apply to a man? Deeply in love with a married women.

    • profile image

      nice 

      11 months ago

      Hayley,

      I am glad that you have decided to make a big change with your situation. However, instead of leaving him with hatred and anger. You should feel it with compassion. I suggest to think of it as a hard lesson learn. Also, don't hate him for who he is - you should FEEL SORRY for him and for his wife. With compassion and understanding you are not either hate him or agree with his action. If he cheated with you he will or may do it again with another woman. He is a cheater, he likes the thrill even though, it's just wrong. However, that's NOT important anymore at least with you. What is MORE IMPORTANT is for you to be free and leave happily with yourself. "Happiness is a DO IT YOURSELF project" and if in the future you can find someone who is single and will totally committed to you, and that is a plus.

      Bottom line, don't live your life with hatred but fill with love and compassion and forgiveness - first of all it will not only make YOU FEEL BETTER but also, it makes you a better person. So if you are interested about self-help book here is one for you - "UNDERSTANDING MEDITATION" By Thich Minh Niem. from Amazon. It will help you to change yourself from inside out. and everything will take time. So I wish you live happily with yourself and your heart will fill with love, compassion, understanding and wisdom.

      Best of luck.

      ps. Also once you become a strong, happy, loving person, people will naturally want to be around you, want to be part of your life. You don't want to be someone who fills with hatred and revenge because that would be bad for the next guy right? so good luck.

    • profile image

      Hayley 

      11 months ago

      Thank you. I can't believe the change in me and it's definitely because I've learnt to love myself. If they don't choose you then choose not to choose them back.

      The shirt he gave me? I cleaned the toilet with it

      The picture he drew me? I set it on fire.

      Many many self help books later, many smashed glasses in temper, many wet pillows later I finally couldn't care less and what a relief. If he returns again I won't be responding not that he can find me now anyway unless he turns up at my work place but I've made it clear im off this rusty old rollercoaster.

      I don't want it.. Oh and the nice guy who is available and wants to date me I may just give him a chance now.

      Ladies... I beg you to move on.. It's empowering and they will miss us in the end a hell of a lot more than we will miss them.

      Yeah he can find a replacement will she be as great as me? Nope it's defo his loss. Don't mean to sound arrogant but you have to believe in yourself, it helps and it helps so much to finally be angry at these men. They are staying in their unhappy marriages.. Leave them there to be sad and miserable and move on and be fun and fabulous. Then who's loss is it?? Certainly not ours.

      DO IT if I can.... you can. Buy a dog.. It helps lol.

      It sucks too much energy from you and us women get to a point where we are exhausted with it. I got to that point. I'm begging you ladies run away far far away and never look back X

    • profile image

      nice 

      11 months ago

      Hayley,

      Good for you - 13 years is a long time but rather late than never - you should know by now - ONLY you and YOU ONLY can make this happen - you put yourself first let yourself free - Have fun with your dog - I am very sure the dog will always welcome you home no mater what day it is or what mood you are in. Have fun and wish you the best.

    • profile image

      Hayley 

      11 months ago

      We hold the power... We are not 'trapped' with these men. I felt it.. On off on off for 13 years.

      I've done it last week.. I'm finally out.. Forever! And it feels good. Took me a longggg time to get here but I'm never going back now. Time for me!

      Get out get out get out.. It's not worth the pain and hurt.. I'm healing.. It will take time I know but I'm determined plus this is the first time I've ever rejected him. My cookie factory is now closed down!!! Whoop. I feel so free.

      I've even bought a dog!

      Do it ladies

    • profile image

      Nice 

      11 months ago

      Julia,

      I have my opinion base on my own current situation and on your post - The first 3 to 6 months or a year is the most powerful and strongest period of attraction and connection between you two. Also, the time that you can be so vulnerable and weak and powerless when you found yourself FALL IN love. You FALL in and LOST your balance. The man's power he has over you. So if you can recover yourself or keep your balance during this period of time which means you don't have intimacy or getting addictive to the feeling of being closed to him. However, your current situation is he also have a wife. She is definitely has more leverage over you. He loves her so much enough to marry her. And Yes, I believe he also love you too very much. You're young, attractive, available and single - so many nice features about you - what is not to love and being loved right?. He can have both women at the same time YES. The point here is - will you accept that kind of relationship? sharing the man you love? OR you want him all to yourself? OR you can't have him at all. ALL or NOTHING? You must have the power to decide to get over the addiction of him, because I don't think he will leave his wife for you. UNLESS, you prove me wrong by showing that you can live without him by showing him that you can live without him by leaving him and let him decides EITHER you or his WIFE. Deep down you still hope he will leave his wife for you or PICK you and NOT her. right? don't fool yourself or imagine thing. If he belongs to you or want you so bad he will come to you but ONLY if you will make that happen and CHALLENGE him. You have to KEEP DISTANCE for a long time. No you can't be friend not if you in love. so Don't fool yourself. I know it's like honey on the knife. You like the sweet of honey but you can get cut by the knife. So final advice is to challenge him by leave him for as long as it takes and time will answer if he pick you or his wife. I wish you luck and you have to be strong. hey, life is NOT ONLY just love of a man - what's about your career? your religion? your family? your friend? your gym, shopping all that? they can help to keep you away during the process.

    working

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