How to Handle Loving and Dating a Married Man

Updated on October 28, 2016
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Advice for Dating a Married Man

You may not have set out to fall in love with a married man, but there are times in life when even the most intelligent women find their emotions getting the better of them. Loving and dating a married man can be extremely painful and seldom works out well.

But this article is not intended to judge anyone or tell you to "just dump him!" This article will openly and honestly describe what the typical experiences and outcomes are in these relationships so that you may be more prepared, educated, and informed about what you should expect, and how to handle it.

Here's my best advice and things to remember:

  1. Remember that his first priority will always be his children and his wife, no matter what he says.
  2. If he lied to you in the beginning about whether or not he was married, you should seriously consider whether or not you can trust him.
  3. Do not sacrifice everything for him. Be independent. Go on dates with other men. Have other hobbies. He's not giving up everything for you, so you shouldn't give up everything for him either.
  4. Your relationship will change if he divorces his wife for you. It will not all be fun and games anymore.
  5. Make your relationship worth your time. Ask him to support you financially, or at least make sure you're getting as much out of it as you're putting in. Don't let him take advantage of you.
  6. Be honest with yourself. What you're doing is risky. Own up to the risk.
  7. Very likely, he will not leave his wife for you.
  8. No matter what he says, he's still having sex with his wife. Don't let your relationship with him keep you from seeing other people.

How many men do you know who are ruining their lives because of a woman? Now, how many women do you know who have sacrificed all for a man?

Women need to think and act the way men do to find happiness.

Questions to Ask

There are issues to seriously consider if you think that this man may be the one.

  • One of the first things to consider is this: Did he tell you he was married from the beginning or did he lie to you and then have to tell the truth? This will be a major factor as to whether or not you can ever trust him.
  • Another thing to give some serious thought to is whether children are involved. No matter how much he loves you, he is obligated to his children, and if you come between him and the kids, he may resent you in the long run.
  • Is your relationship strong enough to withstand the turmoil of a divorce? How long have you been seeing this guy? One year is about right when it comes to shifting from playing around to getting serious.
  • Right now you may be experiencing the best of the best, but when you are living in the real world together, things will change.
  • Moreover, if he divorces his wife for you, the two of you will go through a lot of sad, and trying times together. Will you still love him as much as you do while things are nothing but fun?

Tips for Women in Love With a Married Man

Don't Sacrifice Yourself for Him

Women need to think and act the way men do to find happiness. How many men do you know who are ruining their lives because of a woman? Now, how many women do you know who have sacrificed all for a man?

Men never put their relationships first. At least moderately successful men don't. That is why they are happier than women are. Women have a tendency to meet a guy and then focus their entire lives on him. They will stop thinking about attending school or put business plans on hold after meeting someone who sweeps them off their feet.

This is a bad idea even if the guy is not married. But if he is, you have truly just shot yourself in the foot because you have given up a piece of yourself for a someone who belongs to another. You will become more and more resentful over time.

Look at your lover boy for what he is and control your emotions. If he is obviously lying to you to keep you available to him, consider if the relationship is worth your time or not.

Leverage Your Relationship

If he can somehow help you in life by making you more successful, paying your bills, or buying you a home, then you have gotten something to show for your time.

Be Truthful to Yourself

It's a matter of being honest with yourself. If he is married and has no intention of leaving his wife, then he may have been dating many women over the years. Usually when a man has this pattern, he dates the woman until she begins to expect more out of him. Then, he dumps her, finds another woman to sleep with before getting rid of her when she gets tired of being a doormat.

The truth is, a guy will string you along as long as you will let him. It's up to you to look out for yourself and avoid being taken advantage of.

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Rules for Extramarital Affairs: Make It Worth Your Time

Ask yourself this question: "What am I getting out of dating a married man?" If you are not getting anything, you should ask the man to make the affair worth your time financially or move on. I am not being judgmental here. But if your guy plays with you for free and then goes home to his wife and plays the husband while you sulk, you are only torturing yourself and being a hooker who works for free. To be wise and economical, it's time to ask your "boyfriend" to help you out financially. This way when the time comes that you are not together anymore, at least he helped you pay your mortgage.

Before you go off on a rant about how expecting or wanting money or gifts is prostitution and that it's all about the love here, remember that dating a married man is not exactly moral either. The difference here is at least you are not being raked over the coals as you would be if you simply smile and put out like a good girl.

You must be realistic here and accept that what you are involved in is risky in many ways. One of the things that often destroys women in your situation is the shock of suddenly being dumped because of something that is happening in his marriage, or because of stress that you are causing him at home. Believe me, when this happens, having that extra money invested will lead you to think, "At least I got something out of it." And that is much better than the feeling of having been walked all over.

I know you are probably thinking that you are in a unique and different situation because he truly loves you, and you love him, etc. But that is what they all say, and when stress and reality get involved, people's emotions and decisions tend to be all the same after all.

I know you are probably thinking that you are in a unique and different situation because he truly loves you, and you love him, etc. But that is what they all say.

A Real Story of Dating a Married Man

For nine years, my friend Darleen dated a man who was married and now regrets it. Her man told her that he loved her but because he had two children with his wife, he could not leave her. He also said that he no longer slept with his wife, but that they had an understanding. Darleen would tell me that if he could leave his wife for her, he certainly would and that her man often showed great concern for whether or not she was cheating on him.

Love Is Blind

Yes, love is blind. I found myself angry quite often as I told Darleen that if he loved her he would divorce his wife rather than play this game with her. Poor Darleen had excuses for everything. She got on her high horse by stating that if a man has kids he can't leave. I happen to have known several highly moral men who divorced their wives even though they had two or three kids. After the divorce, they took care of their children at least half of the time.

The truth is, a man will change his life around and do anything to win you over if he truly does love you. If he is content to have sex with you and makes no move to make a permanent life with you, then you must understand that he does not see you as being very important. Or not important enough.

If He Really Loved You . . .

I know that your ego does not want to accept that fact but put the shoe on the other foot for a moment. If you were with a man who you were not having sex with and who you did not love, and you had this man on the side who you truly did love and had a great connection with, would you be content to go home to the man you did not really want, knowing that your lover is single and could easily find someone who is available for him full time?

The thought of it probably sends you into a cold sweat.

Men are concerned with having their woman all to themselves. It is actually proof of disinterest on his part if he does not care who you are with and what you are doing.

If he sees you as a valuable woman, he will know that other men are after you, and he will want to make sure that he gets you before someone else does.

Making Excuses

Darleen made excuses for her married lover for years, and she believed him when he told her that he could not stand his wife and never touched her. After listening to her talk about their intimate discussions, I figured out that her lover had caught on to the fact that Darleen seemed to accept him going home to his wife as long as he and his wife were no longer sleeping together.

Things got a little tricky when his wife suddenly became pregnant. Darleen worked in a building across the street from her lover's wife and was able to spy on her every so often. Darleen's guy informed her that his wife had been bugging him for years to have another baby, and he finally gave in. Not that they were sexual or anything—he explained that in order to touch her, he had to get drunk. The wife had marked the calendar for the day when she was fertile, and they did it just that once in order to have a baby.

The lies can be clever and convincing, but I always say, "Assume that the man is lying until you are engaged, married, or something close." If he is cheating on his wife, he has displayed to you that he is willing to lie, and you have no way of knowing how far he will go.

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Should You Be "Faithful" to a Married Man?

If he seems content to let the relationship go on for years as it is, you should see that he is using you for some fun on the side. So, by all means, date other men. Remember, it's not cheating on your part because he is married.

What Cheating Means

I hear that one a lot. The married guy says, "Don't cheat on me." Unless he is separating from his wife, you are free to do as you please and you should. Otherwise, you will find yourself rejected by your married lover and you will be left alone. Date on the side to keep yourself from becoming too attached to this man and to keep reality in perspective.

When Darleen finally listened to me and began to see other men, her viewpoint changed dramatically. Her married lover began to only see her for sex. They were meeting in hotels and were meeting in his car after work. Darleen was not even getting a meal out of it. Sometimes they would go to a bar and have a few drinks and then go to his car.

What a waste of her time.

Freedom

When she began putting her photo on dating sites, she felt more powerful because she could see that there were a lot of other guys out there. Some of these guys took her to exciting places, bought her nice gifts, and even offered her spending money.

What's the best cure for a man? The answer is another one! When you have a man abusing your emotions, don't feel guilty about seeing what else is out there.

Comments

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      GZZ 13 days ago

      Dear aberdeen, thank you for the thoughts given to my case and the comment.

      As someone commented before, this is just going to be a fling. I have no interest in interfering in his family at all, well if you want to criticize what I want to do I have to say I am a human and thus should be allowed to follow my heart sometime. I have no desire for him to divorce his wife at all. He actually once hinted to me about a future. I understand a man’s bond to his wife and kids and therefore sincerely wish him and his wife and kids a lifetime of companionship, happiness and health.

      Indeed, my ambition is too big to be trapped by a man or two, even if he or them might be the love of my life, in different ways. Maybe I should be condemned for taking advantage of my youth to “waste” 2 years of my life just for a demise, I can not open up my heart to anyone now until I see him, in order to move on. My way of coping with the hopelessness is simply to count on my personality that I am born with, which I still haven’t found the exact English word to translate it, more like free like wind and doesn’t care.

      So I am going to be stubborn and thus impolite to you: I am going to use my own money to fly to see him.

      To love,

      GZZ

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      aberdeen 2 weeks ago

      GZZ, girl, don't do it. if it's meant to be, then it will simply happen. just a few weeks ago my friend, who was madly in love with a married guy had a harsh reality check. she just heard he will not leave his child and that he doesn't need to be happy, he just wants to live with his kid. so a classic scenario: a wife who probably knows what's going on, using kids as a weapon, and a husband who is too much of a pussy to drag her neurotic ass to therapy. a lot of hurt women try to get back on their husbands, and they can't think of any other way.

      so let's imagine you get they guy, he divorces his wife, and then what? are you prepared for her anger, screaming matches and constant abuse (not direct, but i can guarantee she will make their kids resent you). please reconsider that, don't waste your wonderful years for a drama.

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      GlendaGoodWitch 2 weeks ago from California

      @ End Silent Suffering. Thank you for the sweet compliment. Also, your comment made my day. Congratulations to you.

    • profile image

      EndSilentSuffering 2 weeks ago

      I really like the way you write, GlendaGoodWitch. You are blunt and your writing is logical and organized, but also humorous and entertaining. I have been struggling in an affair myself trying to remain faithful to "him" but the darkness and loneliness began to consume me. I have been hanging out with one of my exes now and it is MAJOR relief and we are surprisingly reconnecting wonderfully and realizing we are more compatible than we once believed. I realize - and especially upon discovering your article - I am a truly free individual and it is hypocritical and presumptuous of a married man to demand fidelity from his mistress. Think and act like a man for happiness, as well as the putting the shoe on the other foot analogy helped me immensely...I am now beginning to reach clarity, I think, I just feel so scared to end it.

      Thanks again for the great article!

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      GZZ 2 weeks ago

      Lynn67, I know I'm probably too young to offer much validation and probably also too active into other people's business, but there are some lines from the movie Last Night:

      I mean, fuck the vows. It's --

      It's the years you can't undo.

      You will never be able to take away the years with her husband.

      And the moment you try

      this--

      This will be gone, and --

      Trust me.

      That'll be a shame.

    • profile image

      Lynn67 2 weeks ago

      I've been seeing a married man for 3 years now. It's killing me. He sees me at two breaks at work, 30 mins once a week in the morning and that's it. Never buys me lunch or dinner, never takes me out, no gifts , yet I do counless gifts and things for him. He will never leave his wife of 20 years although she never has sex w him. He has become hateful since he has a lot of pain and medical issues. He says he loves me. Can't let me go but sometimes I wish she would find out so it would be over.

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      GZZ 3 weeks ago

      Lubangonancy: spend on yourself!

    • profile image

      Frustrated 3 weeks ago

      Met a man at work who is twice my age, but we have an incredible connection that we just can't seem to ignore. He's been married for 30 years and has always been truthful about it. I want out before anything serious happens (we have only kissed once), and this article really helped. Wish me luck.

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      truthslap 4 weeks ago

      Haha i find it so bulls eye.shit why did i ever feel inlove with a married man.my life crushed down.i love him but the priority is he love his son morethan anything else and the sad part is im still hoping that he could dump that wife of him and we can finally made our own..

    • profile image

      GZZ 4 weeks ago

      Diana: I think I’ve made a friend here haha. Then you will probably need to wait maybe 2 years or more I think. I will come back here to post if I have updates.

    • profile image

      Diana 4 weeks ago

      GZZ: I understand. You're a romantic like me. You don't want to have regrets. I really hope things work out for you and you don't get more hurt. Let me know how things go.

    • profile image

      GZZ 4 weeks ago

      Diana: thank you for the comment. Means a lot. God this is such a paranoia. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find that one that truly cares for me. I fell in love with his country and I was thinking if he doesn’t show up, I will simply just enjoy visiting that country. And I think of the reason he doesn’t visit as he can’t because he has a family so I will initiate on my end. This feels like the one thing that I just have to do. There will be no future, but I have to do this to save myself. Sighing... let’s see how life unfolds.

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      Diana 4 weeks ago

      GZZ: My recommendation is to not do it. I know you think now that you can stay emotionally detached and you are not interested in anything more (than a fling). Trust me, you will be hurt. You will get even more attached and waste your youth pining for this person who is using you. I know you think he loves you, and maybe there's part of him that cares about you and I know you think you're different or this is different, and I'm sure you're a beautiful, young, intelligent woman, but please you will be hurt. Think of it this way, if he really loved you, he would visit YOU. Don't make excuses for him.

    • profile image

      GZZ 4 weeks ago

      Look at all these long posts! We all have some kind of being with a married man stories, don't we?

      I met a man in Europe while I was studying abroad. (I don't want to specify the country for privacy reason) I was working on publishing a paper and needed someone more experienced. He agreed to help and then we got closer. I only stayed in that country for 2 days so we mainly kept in contact via Internet afterwards. We stayed in contact for about a year and then the communication gradually stopped.

      Many things happened. I had a American boyfriend a little older than me but eventually broke up. I am very young, still a college student in the U.S. and just about to experience love. He is much much older than me, definitely older than double of my age. And I know from the beginning that he is married. We had skyped and I can see the ring. But he is just so mature, charming, and intellectual stimulating. And it's only after I broke up with my American boyfriend that I realized I love that European man. I think it is the very first time that I realize I love someone. I think he loves me too, from many details. Although we are not in contact, I feel I just know it from a woman's sixth sense.

      I've been thinking working hard after graduation to save money to fly to Europe to see him. I've read the following posts which all seem to come to the conclusion that being a mistress will only hurt you. But I'm not interested in his wife. (Indeed, I am not interested in anyone's ex) I also have no interest in wrecking his family. (I think he has kids with his wife) I want to go all the way to see him just for the sake of love. If it hurts afterwards, then let it hit. I am not afraid. I am thinking about doing a master's degree in his city. I don't know how this will change the outlook.

      This is the first time that I post something on an online forum. Any comments?

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      Jennifer 4 weeks ago

      I dated a married man casually for 3 years. In that time I met his really yummy younger brother. We spent a lot of time together and both knew we had chemistry. But he had a serious girlfriend at the time. So we didn’t act on it. He always told me he thought I was too good to be involved in an affair. I listened to him and broke it off with his brother shortly after he left town. Didn’t see him for 3 years though he’d called a few times. Now 3 years later, he’s back and single and ofcourse made love to me the very first night. The thing is he also asked me to marry him that night. Said he knew he’s loved me all those years. How do I say yes? What do we say to his brother?

    • profile image

      aberdeen 6 weeks ago

      wow, this is just incredible how all the stories have something similar in them.

      my story is no different, except one small detail: i am not in love with this man, nor is he with me, I guess.

      we met at work, he was wearing his ring, so it was no secret that he's married. for the first couple of months we just chatted a lot, we really clicked because we love the same things and have similar sense of humor. his wife had a brief idea that i'm the new girl in his team. it was all just talking (although I must admit that sometimes I was like 'damn, why such a man must be taken), we never even met after work. after 6 months of me working there, he said there's a concert we can go to and that he will also bring his friend. I suggested we can all meet for drinks before the gig, either in the city or at my place. smooth sailing, right? right? wrong. for some reason his wife went nuts, they had a massive argument and he looked like a beaten up puppy, so I deducted that he's about to ask me not to go for a concert. I got kind of pissed with that realization and decided to go forward and just resign before he asks me. of course he was sorry, he also tried to give me money back, but at this point I was so done with this bullshit I just said 'go buy sth nice for your wife with it'. and that would be a perfect ending of this nonsense, but no!

      few months later, probably high on him being 'so so fine' (i really cannot believe i was that stupid), we were friends again. he even asked if I will join him and his friends on the mountain trip one weekend, I was of course super mean and was making fun of his leash being too short to go anyway. but we went for a trip. when I arrived only he was there. of course we had sex. I can't even explain why or what was I thinking at that time.

      a week after that he went on 3-weeks holidays with his wife and son (cool, huh?). we could only exchange messages on wickr, he started to sound clingy, I was mostly unsatisfied with that odd way of communicating. I even got a chance of rolling my eyes over picture of him on the beach, which was clearly taken by his wife. no, he did not understand my simple message 'plz don't send me pictures taken by your wife'. enough red flags, that should do it.

      ...aaaand nope. somehow, we've managed to be on and off again for a year and a half. it took him one year to get off his wife bed to the sofa and my medium breakdown (combined with saying goodbye to him) to move out of his house. I never asked him about moving out or a divorce, I only asked him to finally talk with me. Actually I've asked about that 35 times only this year. He always agreed, but obviously never did it. Now I fell he moved out because it was easier to have sex with me that way plus he didn't have to come home late and make up excuses (what a clever boy). just a while after he moved I got pregnant. But first I discovered he's spending weekends with his wife (and nope, not because of the kid, but some event. for fun) without even saying a thing. At this point I got mad, because he asked me a ton of question and I never kept a secret from him about meeting somebody or going somewhere. So I was mad and pregnant. I decided to terminate the pregnancy, and informed him about it. he was acting very concerned, wanted to support the procedure financially but all in all he just wanted to get into my pants again.

      we kept it going for a couple months after, again ups and downs, he still treated me like his property, I was still patiently waiting for him couple of nights a week. His brother got caught up in some f****d up situation, I was supportive. His father started to loose his health over that brother situation - I was supportive. I never said a bad word about him changing plans last minute to go who knows where to save his unstable brother yet again. I gave him some advice how to deal with that guy, but he ignored it (now I think it's because my advice would actually do the job and therefore deprive him of his favourite excuse). but still, I remained calm and understanding.

      i never wanted to listen about his and his wife problems, I usually told him to go and fix it himself, as I don't need any 'sad married man' content in my life. of course I believe he's not happy with her, he mentioned it when we were just friends and I myself witnessed her making a scene over the phone for nothing, multiple times. she even got to the shrink long long time ago and was diagnosed with major anger issues and neurosis, but she said she will not do anything about it, because it's all his fault. yeah, whatever floats your boat, girl. I don't want to sound mean here, I know everybody has his own problems. but somehow he was trying to make me worry only about his, not about mine (and I guess abortion and years of dealing with clinical depression should be deal with and that should be also in the partner's interest. but what do I know?). He met my parents (as a friend, I cannot tell them the truth) and some of my friends, I met none of his. they are all mutual friends of his and hers, plus I don't think he has real friends at all. the wife loves to make scenes and cry in public, blaming all the world except herself for the ending of her marriage and spreading rumors. i asked him to talk with her and calm her down and also (since he is allegedly 'so out of this marriage') start thinking with her about necessary arrangements. not for me, for them. the only way to raise a kid after divorce is to get along, and they're not even close to that. and here comes the cherry on the top: we've reached a point where whatever I ask I just got pushed away, blamed and I get a long list of why not now (applies to literally everything for him), with top one excuse being: oh my brother's in trouble and my parents are both dying (they're not), so this is not a good time for a divorce. and I'm like yeah, but I was just asking if I could help.

      anyway, sorry for my stream-of-consciousness-like comment, english is not my 1st language. now we've reach the end of the story: I just stopped talking to him. it's been almost a month now and for the first time in our 18 months history I don't even feel like it. I just got fed up with hearing all the same empty words and seeing no actual action or caring. at the beginning I felt like I will not fall in love with him as long as he's married (I just simply couldn't, even in the best moments), and now I think I could never love him, meaning after all this I don't think there's a way back. Moreover, there is not a thing to go back to, don't you think? Maybe the circle has closed, soon he's going on holidays wit his son, I wouldn't be surprised if the wife joined, too. He's lease is ending this month, so the doors of coming back home are wide open. Only this time I really don't care anymore.

      Maybe not being in love saved me from feeling pain, but all this months made me feel just empty. Even though I can recall the good moments, I only feel this was a complete waste of time.

      So for all the girls thinking about being a mistress: just run. You can be super chill, supportive and have your own life going on, but you'll still be drained, sad and used. Let the guy show you he's serious, before you even consider sleeping with him

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      Alpha 6 weeks ago

      Leave J . Go for W if he's single.

      J will hurt you in the long run

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      cassiaH 6 weeks ago

      By the way. I know some says. The best cure for a break up is to build self esteem. Be sucessful and bla bla bla.

      But J's wife is a professional working woman.clever. rich. Come from a good background family. Same as J. Both very successful. And she still got cheated. I love&respect j's. But i seriously losing faith and dont trust man anymore.

      So Im busy building my career for me n my baby.with his help. Later im gonna fly away from this relationship. Because i know this relay is not going anywhere. I dont even want j to leave her wife because. I cant trust him. To marry him.

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      cassiaH 6 weeks ago

      Been dating a married man(J) with no kid for almost 1 year.. I have 1kid with previous husb. Been dating J since i was married, but we had problematic marriage as hes a gay. After i divorce he started paying for my house and bill. He never lie to me abt his wife. He admit they have sex but seldomly. They trying to have kid. At the same time, some guy(w) is trying to get my attention. J knows about W. I am happy with J. I have my own work, kid and nice good sex. I dont even have to take care of him all the time. Im younger than him so many years. Sometimes J said wanna have kid. But i have trauma to have a kid as my previous husband didnt care abt me and baby..

      Sometimes i snaped and pushing J's away. Because im feeling guilty and at the same time i dont want to leave him because im comfortable right now. And again.. I love the sex...

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      NancyK 7 weeks ago

      I've been dating a married man for 2 months. He also told me that he and his wife are not truly in love even they're living together for over 13 years. I didn't believe him at first but day by day, he always cares and make me feel special that no one can do and i realized that i fell for him truly. I'm trying not to bc I don't want to become a third person. But he's too amazing, he's wonderful...we always have fun together. I love him more and more even i'm trying not to. Please let me know how to cut him out of my life. I don't want to become a home-wrecker

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      carmin 7 weeks ago

      I've been seeing a man now who has been married for 20 years. His wife knows but doesn't want to leave. He has 2 kids and we still have to sneak around. It's so frustrating. Everyone knows, it's the elephant in the room.

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      lauryn 7 weeks ago

      I needed such an article which is motivating and non judgmental.Been dating a man for 6months now and he swears that he is not sleeping with his wife at all,that they are only raising their 9Year old daughter till she is of age to handle the situation but i just dont belive that he loves me.My instincs just sense that he is playing me for a fool which is almost true.I just needed a smater way to handle him because in all honesty,i love him so much and though i am ashamed of myself,I am not quitting yet.

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      SB 8 weeks ago

      Ladies...also keep in mind that if he’s seeing you as a married man, you may not be the only one!! Just remember if he cheats on his wife, what makes you think he will be loyal to you? Some men like to play the cheating game with a girl or two... variety if they can get away with it.

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      Saraya Baker 8 weeks ago

      Thank you so much for this post. I had suspicion of the man I fell in love with seeing other women as well when I got in his truck and his passenger seat was laying down one time. And it wasn’t me. This article helps me see clearer and more rational to the emotional abuse marriedmen can really put on women. I didn’t know he was married til after I fell for him but now I see the outside looking in, instead of inside the emotions looking out of a clouded window. Thank you for this article! I know what I need to do for myself now.

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      Alpha 8 weeks ago

      Hi Janet . He is definately playing with your feelings. Why would he go for his anniversary for weekend getaway if he wanted to be in touch with you?

      He wants to keep the wife happy and have you on the side.

      Tell him that if he really wants to be with you to give you his divorce certificate otherwise to leave you alone. It's hard to deal with this but will save you pain in the long run.

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      Janet 2 months ago

      Been with a married man for a year... i love him so much but im feeling very stupid. I feel like a butt of a joke. I end it but he calls me or texts me telling me how much he needs me. And its something i love seeing. But i think i know he does it on purpose... he wont leave his wife. Theyve been together for ever. They just had a weekend get away for their anniversary and he messaged me every day they were away. And he met me the next day after they had come back. I felt a connection from him since day one. How can i walk away and keep it that way. He seriously is crushing my heart.

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      Alpha 2 months ago

      Hi Too Trusting. Better you move on with your life. I have been in the same situation and been hanging there for 5-6 years. He told me same....when kids turn 18 he will get divorced. Still hasn't and kids are 18 up. Wants another 5 years. In the beginning of dating we didn't have sex too and he kept giving me hopes for the future and was saying he isn't intimate with the wife and they sleep separately...yet they go on holidays, dinners, plays, movies etc. It's not true. 6 years have passed and he's treating me badly not wanting to talk to me or spend time. Shouts at me every now and then. And am so stuck to get out this rut.

      My advise leave it....you don't know what is going on behind your back...he may be lying to you and sleeping with the wife and he may never leave her because of the daughters. Don't fall in love with him. Biggest mistake I made when I fell in love with a guy who can't provide you with a future but promises Which he will NEVER fulfil.

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      Too Trusting 2 months ago

      About a month ago I started dating a married man. When we first started talking I thought he was divorced. I knew immediately at our first date that he was a man of honesty and integrity. He has two 15 year old daughters who are on the low spectrum of autism. After our second date he told me that because of all the care that his daughters need he and his wife have not divorced. I ended our dating relationship immediately but continued to talk to him as a friend. Both of our feeling kept growing so I started dating him again but I have not had sex with him. He has told me that he and his wife had not had sex for 3 years and that they are just roommates, separate bedrooms. I have told him the problem that I have dating someone who is married whatever the reason. I told him that I am looking for a partner in life not someone to just have fun with. He agreed but his plan was to get divorced when the girls turn 18 because they would get disability that would help take care of them and he would not feel like he is abandoning them. I told him I would never wait that long. Here is the plan that we have come up with. We are going to date and then if things get serious he is going to tell his wire and come up with a plan to get a divorce but still take care of his girls. I am not sure if I should continue to date ? Also I have not slept with him yet but I know it’s just a matter of time. I’m trying to keep a clear head but this is a tough one. I’m sure you are wondering why even date him at all. I can only say that he is everything that I am looking for except that he is married due to circumstances. Ugh. We have had a lot of communication about what my needs are and what I am expecting moving forward and he had agreed to meet my needs and expectations. Any thoughts ?

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      Alpha 2 months ago

      I need some help

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      No1YouKnow 2 months ago

      I have a doozy, I'll try to keep this short. My boyfriend is married, we've been together for almost 7 months. History: We've known each other for 10+ years, I almost went to work for him in 2008. Now, I do, started working with/for him August 2016. Yes, my boyfriend is not only married, but he's also my boss. We also go to the same CrossFit gym and are workout partners from time to time (that's how we reconnected, he tried to hire me a few times). And, we also run together 4x per week. We have a lot of little bits of togetherness everyday.

      When we started our affair, we talked and asked each other the question "do you really want to do this?" or "do you realize how f-cking stupid this is?". He said to me "I'm not getting a divorce. And you're not going to hold yourself back for me." We had a deal. I knew how this relationship was going to go. Fast forward 7 months - we are in love with each other, love being with each other and he's now getting a divorce. This changed the deal. We were not supposed to fall inlove with each other. He was not going to get a divorce.

      Ugh, I don't know what to do - to breakup or not breakup? One one hand, I want to stay by his side, be there when he needs me, his best friend, through this tough time. I feel like I would be abandoning him during this difficult time. On the other hand, I think it would be best for us, especially him, to breakup because he doesn't need a girlfriend right now, he's got enough on his plate (work and divorce) and I'm not sure I can handle how our relationship has changed since the divorce and work getting busier, as we don't spend as much time together or talk/text as much. I know he's very busy at work and has more than enough. But at the same time, I don't ask for a whole lot and making some time for me, say one hour a week of quality face to face time a week isn't much. I don't think.

      He's told me to give this (divorce and us) time and asked that I be patient. He does realize that if I were to meet someone, I have every right to go out on a date with someone else (that too was part of the deal - I don't hold myself back for him).

      I want to stay, but then again I don't. I want to end the pain and suffering now, but feel like I'm being selfish if I give up on us/him. This is absolute torture.

      I'm also afraid as to how our relationship ends. We agreed "we are friends no matter what happens. Best friends forever." Deep down, I know how these relationships end, and it's never good or how we want/dream them to be. At least not for me, that's my luck. So, I also struggle with - should I continue to delay the inevitable or grab my ovaries of steel and end the relationship now while we are ahead (we've not been caught, no one suspects our affair, etc).

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      J B G 2 months ago

      This is all so true!!!

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      Alpha 2 months ago

      I had an awful experience with a married man. Dated him for 6 years. He kept saying he wants to leave his wife. First he said he will leave her in 5 years once his kids go to Uni. Last year he said he wants to leave after another 5 years. Now he is saying he doesn't know. He may never. Then he says "one day" he will. His kids are in uni and still hasnt. He takes his wife and family on holidays at least 5-6 times in a year. He says he is not intimate with her. We are hardly having sex, meet may be once a week for 20 mins or so and don't talk much on the phone now. He made me reduce all this by shouting at me that he has other things to do.

      The pain comes when he dumps every time he goes on a holiday and abruptly say "goodbye" without any explanations. When he is back he apologises and we continue. Last 2 years I have been clinging on to this relationship with a fear of being lonely and not finding love. I get jealous of his wife and convince him to spend time with me. I keep getting sucked in this relationship and find it hard to leave...because I am so used him going totally blunt and nasty at me and I keep accepting it and maintain this relation. I know there is no future to this. Counselling has not helped me. Part of me wants to move on and find someone else. The other part of me is accepting emotional abuse from him with a hope that he will be with me.

      Am totally finished and hurting every day.

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      Lavien 2 months ago

      Thank you TT

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      tt 2 months ago

      Lavien,

      You just got a new job - and with this situation I sincerely believe you should leave your job - get away from the situation as soon as possible - find a different job. It's not that you've been in this job for a long time so it's not hard to leave. Your boss married for 10 and now there is a baby involve too. Please leave him and his family alone. I know it's hard but it NOT impossible. I do it myself. I never have sex with the married guy but I cut off the relationship - and time will heal all sorrow - also you left him it makes you a strong woman and you do the right thing for leaving the job and leaving a married man for everyone's including yourself sake. You can do it.

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      Lavien 2 months ago

      I have a bf and he has a friend for 20 years , I got a new job and my bfs friend is my boss , he is married for 10 years never had a child , after 4 months of boss staff relationship we fell in love , two months after ongoing fairytale wife ended up being pregnant , had 6 miscarriage before , I cried he didn’t wanna let me go , and as soon as time passes by I started developing love for this man , and he started getting attached with his wife and she’s about to deliver in 2 months and first child , I have been treating my gem boyfriend like crap and I can’t love him , and he picks on me for being with my bf , we fight almost every week or every day , nowadays he insist to break up with me and we eventually get back but his foundation with his wife has improved , even when we get back he is not the person I knew before , he doesn’t spend enough time , he is always on his phone , his diversion everything is on that baby and I’m being blamed . I’m confused what should I do ?

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      nutbrownhare 2 months ago

      "What's the best cure for a man? The answer is another one!"

      Erm... I beg to disagree. The best 'cure' for a man is to build up your self-esteem to a point where you're not seeking validation from a lying cheat. To have a rich, fulfilling life and the resources to make wise decisions about who you hop into bed with... and to use between times for a bit of self-discovery so you don't seek out guys who will require you to be 'cured'.

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      Boricua Princess 2 months ago

      I am a married woman, I have been with my husband for 30 years (married 12). I recently reconnected with a guy that I was with in HS. I have been in love with this man all these years even though we went on with our lives, married and had children with our spouses. We reconnected over FB messenger. Come to find out after talking with him he has felt the same way about me all these years (he mentioned it first). We have met once and it was really nice to see him, we talk and text daily and are planning another meeting soon (no sex). There has been talk about the future and we both agree that it is not in either of our best interest to leave our spouses. I know it's wrong but being around him brings out something I haven't felt in years. Other posts mentioned being jealous of his wife, I can say I am not jealous of her or the life they have together. We have a friendship that will last a lifetime albeit one that our spouses do not know about.

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      what the 3 months ago

      Ann,

      I know a typical nice caucasian woman felt for a Muslim guy - they have 3 sons together - he used her to get citizenship and left her and 3 boys when they are still very small and went back to his first wife (Muslim wife) This woman died of cancer couple years ago and these 3 boys grew up kind of violent and wild. This is a true story.

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      GlendaGoodWitch 3 months ago from California

      Ann,

      Do not divorce your husband just to be used my a Muslim man. In America you are not lower than a man, which means that you don't share a husband with several other women. You are headed for a life of abuse and misery if you don't dump him ASAP......

      Even then, be careful. Muslims are known to disfigured women who they cannot control. I have personally witnessed some horrific things. These men are just not worth any of your time....

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      Ann 3 months ago

      im in reletionship with man married almost 2yrs... we both married i know from the beginning that he dont divorce his wife.. he asked me to divorce my husband he can married 2 or more because he is islam.. i dont know what to do now. i love him.. i not happy with my marriage life my husband he heat everytime we figth because i have a kid with him i stay even he heat me. my man married ask about my family i lied i say im happy with them im happy with my husband even if im not happy..

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      JU 3 months ago

      Julia,

      In case you have not read this - someone wrote:

      The goal of most cheaters is to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side. The majority of cheaters have no desire to (replace) one relationship with another. Essentially they're looking to "compliment" what they already have.

      So you should know you are his secondary relationship. you are complimentary to what he is already have. So basically you are his mistress and that's all you will ever be.

      your life your choice.

      Should you deserve to be in a primary relationship with someone who truthfully love you? His love is not truthfully because he is selfish and just use you and cheat on his wife and lie to both of you. I suggest for you to get out.

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      li 3 months ago

      Lyric693 - if you are married to a man - he is your husband and some other woman sleep with him weekly and share some of the money with that woman. Is that ok with you? you will share your husband with other woman?

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      Lyric693 3 months ago

      Ok so I have been with a married man for 2 years. He told me he was married from the beginning but they had problems. He was my first boyfriend and the first person I ever fell in love with. In the beginning when I needed it he did help me financially but I don't need his help anymore. I don't really want him to divorce his wife at this point but I still want to see him. There are times that I feel a little .. wrong maybe? The question is do I still hang out or is this so unhealthy Im not seeing that it is

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      GlendaGoodWitch 3 months ago from California

      A Man- no they would not. Contrary to political correctness genders are different.

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      A MAN 3 months ago

      Change the genders on this. Would these rules apply to a man? Deeply in love with a married women.

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      nice 3 months ago

      Hayley,

      I am glad that you have decided to make a big change with your situation. However, instead of leaving him with hatred and anger. You should feel it with compassion. I suggest to think of it as a hard lesson learn. Also, don't hate him for who he is - you should FEEL SORRY for him and for his wife. With compassion and understanding you are not either hate him or agree with his action. If he cheated with you he will or may do it again with another woman. He is a cheater, he likes the thrill even though, it's just wrong. However, that's NOT important anymore at least with you. What is MORE IMPORTANT is for you to be free and leave happily with yourself. "Happiness is a DO IT YOURSELF project" and if in the future you can find someone who is single and will totally committed to you, and that is a plus.

      Bottom line, don't live your life with hatred but fill with love and compassion and forgiveness - first of all it will not only make YOU FEEL BETTER but also, it makes you a better person. So if you are interested about self-help book here is one for you - "UNDERSTANDING MEDITATION" By Thich Minh Niem. from Amazon. It will help you to change yourself from inside out. and everything will take time. So I wish you live happily with yourself and your heart will fill with love, compassion, understanding and wisdom.

      Best of luck.

      ps. Also once you become a strong, happy, loving person, people will naturally want to be around you, want to be part of your life. You don't want to be someone who fills with hatred and revenge because that would be bad for the next guy right? so good luck.

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      Hayley 3 months ago

      Thank you. I can't believe the change in me and it's definitely because I've learnt to love myself. If they don't choose you then choose not to choose them back.

      The shirt he gave me? I cleaned the toilet with it

      The picture he drew me? I set it on fire.

      Many many self help books later, many smashed glasses in temper, many wet pillows later I finally couldn't care less and what a relief. If he returns again I won't be responding not that he can find me now anyway unless he turns up at my work place but I've made it clear im off this rusty old rollercoaster.

      I don't want it.. Oh and the nice guy who is available and wants to date me I may just give him a chance now.

      Ladies... I beg you to move on.. It's empowering and they will miss us in the end a hell of a lot more than we will miss them.

      Yeah he can find a replacement will she be as great as me? Nope it's defo his loss. Don't mean to sound arrogant but you have to believe in yourself, it helps and it helps so much to finally be angry at these men. They are staying in their unhappy marriages.. Leave them there to be sad and miserable and move on and be fun and fabulous. Then who's loss is it?? Certainly not ours.

      DO IT if I can.... you can. Buy a dog.. It helps lol.

      It sucks too much energy from you and us women get to a point where we are exhausted with it. I got to that point. I'm begging you ladies run away far far away and never look back X

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      nice 3 months ago

      Hayley,

      Good for you - 13 years is a long time but rather late than never - you should know by now - ONLY you and YOU ONLY can make this happen - you put yourself first let yourself free - Have fun with your dog - I am very sure the dog will always welcome you home no mater what day it is or what mood you are in. Have fun and wish you the best.

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      Hayley 3 months ago

      We hold the power... We are not 'trapped' with these men. I felt it.. On off on off for 13 years.

      I've done it last week.. I'm finally out.. Forever! And it feels good. Took me a longggg time to get here but I'm never going back now. Time for me!

      Get out get out get out.. It's not worth the pain and hurt.. I'm healing.. It will take time I know but I'm determined plus this is the first time I've ever rejected him. My cookie factory is now closed down!!! Whoop. I feel so free.

      I've even bought a dog!

      Do it ladies

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      Nice 3 months ago

      Julia,

      I have my opinion base on my own current situation and on your post - The first 3 to 6 months or a year is the most powerful and strongest period of attraction and connection between you two. Also, the time that you can be so vulnerable and weak and powerless when you found yourself FALL IN love. You FALL in and LOST your balance. The man's power he has over you. So if you can recover yourself or keep your balance during this period of time which means you don't have intimacy or getting addictive to the feeling of being closed to him. However, your current situation is he also have a wife. She is definitely has more leverage over you. He loves her so much enough to marry her. And Yes, I believe he also love you too very much. You're young, attractive, available and single - so many nice features about you - what is not to love and being loved right?. He can have both women at the same time YES. The point here is - will you accept that kind of relationship? sharing the man you love? OR you want him all to yourself? OR you can't have him at all. ALL or NOTHING? You must have the power to decide to get over the addiction of him, because I don't think he will leave his wife for you. UNLESS, you prove me wrong by showing that you can live without him by showing him that you can live without him by leaving him and let him decides EITHER you or his WIFE. Deep down you still hope he will leave his wife for you or PICK you and NOT her. right? don't fool yourself or imagine thing. If he belongs to you or want you so bad he will come to you but ONLY if you will make that happen and CHALLENGE him. You have to KEEP DISTANCE for a long time. No you can't be friend not if you in love. so Don't fool yourself. I know it's like honey on the knife. You like the sweet of honey but you can get cut by the knife. So final advice is to challenge him by leave him for as long as it takes and time will answer if he pick you or his wife. I wish you luck and you have to be strong. hey, life is NOT ONLY just love of a man - what's about your career? your religion? your family? your friend? your gym, shopping all that? they can help to keep you away during the process.

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      Julia 3 months ago

      I have been dating a married man for about a year now. When I first met him, he told me he was divorced. It took about 9 months for me to eventually admit to myself that he is married. I knew all along,I just wanted to believe him. I spent money on getting a background check and ended up getting links to his wife's Facebook page. When I confronted him he told me that when we initially met, they were separated and that she moved back in 3 months prior to me finding out. I eventually fell in love with him during that time period. I know that he does love me because I have been in love before. He tells me that his attraction to me is the understanding we have and that his attraction to his wife is based on the fact that she is a good person. They do not have any children together. I never once thought I would be in this kind of situation but I do not know what to do. He was the first and only person I have been with since my ex passed away. He does a lot for me, more than anyone else has, he looks out for me, and makes sure I'm fed and school work is done. He is much older than me but I can not help how I feel about him. I have tried dating and it did not work. I still find myself with him at the end of the day. HELP A GIRL OUT.

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      dinh tam 4 months ago

      Monique,

      From what your telling us. I understand that this boyfriend of yours has too much power over you. He lied to you that he divorced - he refused to sign divorced paper. He has 4 other kids with 4 other women. He is a cheater, a liar. He's REALLY REALLY is a MESS. He used women because the women (like you) let him too. You need to stay away from him as far as possible. If you have to move far away to a different state and start over again with your life. You're still young. Don't waste your time much longer. The BIG problem here is NOT HIM but MORE like it's YOU. You let him totally control your life. You depend too much on him. You sacrificed too much for him and forget about what is really important in your own life. It's time to set your priority. Is it him or you and your daughter? can you live without him? I think you have to find answer within yourself. You need to take care of yourself, instead of concerning if he is divorce, if he really loves you, if he is the one for you. Looks to me he's NOT the one for you. You deserve better - you need to love yourself first by being independent and take control of your life.

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      Monique 4 months ago

      I've been with my married boyfriend for 6 years!! He is 15 years my senior and he is still married!!! Him and hi wife been married over 15 years and I can't continue on waiting for him to divorce her. He is about to become a Licensed Plumber which i helped him along the way. In the process of doing that I have sacrificed a lot to keep him happy. He told me he was divorced when I first meet him. His wife was a actually the one who told me in 2014 they were still married. When I found out I was mad but gave him time to divorce her! Still nothing, he keeps getting letters from her lawyer and he still refuses to sign them!!!! I lost my health care career taking a charge for him!! I have a felony record which is so difficult for me to start my nursing career! I love him so much plus he has 4 other kids with 4 other women plus I have his 2 year old daughter we had together!!! I met and love all his kids. They love me also but I can't go on another 7 years with a married man. She will get all his pension and benefits even tho he lives with me. He gets so defensive when I tell him you divorce her. I think he is using me or have some agreement with his wife so they don't divorce

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      Destiny 4 months ago

      I've been with this man for 10yrs. He still marry but we live together and he tell me he doesnt get a divorce but she'll take him for alimony what do i do

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      tina 4 months ago

      Hello All,

      Thank you for the article. Thank you for all of your input about this topic. I would not read this article if I was not in the situation. I have a boyfriend who I've dated for close to 16 years - we live in a separate house, we have up and down but we are a happy couple. He's 100 loyal and faithful to me and me too to him I know that. However, there is a twist when a married guy at work I was hanging out with at first I thought he is just a friend but then over time I felt in love. He also said he felt in love with me. There is a strong attraction, connection and a lot of fun when we hang out. I was smart enough to NOT ever hold hand or kiss or think about further than that. However, I knew if we continue hang out it may lead to that. He said he will cross the line - he told me he cheated on his wife once a long time ago. After hang out with him and try to understand about married cheating man - I know I am playing with fired but I always backed away when I know I am in the danger zone. Believe me it's a very strong force between a man and a woman when it comes to attraction.

      to make the long story short. I am the one that decided to distance myself with him for over a month now - I plan to keep a distance a long as possible and I have no intend to hang out with him in the future. I can't be friends, we can't be lovers, but we are not enemy either. I am very happy that I am doing the right thing because, I would NEVER NEVER be able to date or sleep with a married man NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WANT TO - HOW much I missed spending time with him - I always see him as who he really is - A married, cheated, unavailable, "cute" guy. but just look don't touch. We work in the same building so I saw him from a distance sometimes, but that's it!

      Good luck ladies, BE STRONG - just STAY AWAY from married man no matter what.

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      4 months ago

      Don't have anything to do with a married man. Almost 10 years now and I am trapped.

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      donna 4 months ago

      You are so right about that . empty promises. cant and wont do that!!

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      Keith 4 months ago

      How find a faithful guy?

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      mary 4 months ago

      i donot understand why so much emphasis on him spending money onyou? loving someone cause he is buying you gifts? it is not about money.

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      Confused girl 4 months ago

      I need advice

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      ConfusedWoman 4 months ago

      I am a young woman who has been seeing a married man. He is much older than me, and very charming. We started chatting online, then by phone. We have talked and sext numerous times. He told me he was married and has been honest with me. He says his marriage has been going downhill, and so has their sex life, he is unhappy and he wants a divorce but they have kids. I know its wrong and I respect marriage but I can't seem to distance myself from him. I have tried to end this, but he says he wants me. He insist we continue on. We have not had sex, although we tried to on many occasions, but I always backed out. We both yearn for one another, which I know is bad . He insist we have oral sex, if not penetration, to ease our desire. We have yet to. I feel for his wife, but I also feel for him. I have become emotionally attached and I am confused. I know I should end this for good, before it gets out of hand but I can't seem to! Help, any advice?

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      bminer 5 months ago

      Finding myself divorced after having been married for fifteen years, the last thing I wanted was to be in a serious relationship. Dating married men allowed me to avoid commitment and avoid all the snares of falling in love. I was clever, or so I thought. I have been divorced seven years. Three and half years ago I met a man in a loveless marriage in who lived 3,000 miles from his wife for over five years. There has been some twists and turns in his marriage. I have maintained that this was a causal relationship, there are 1,200 miles between us due to our careers. I went into this with my eyes open. I knew that he would feel obligated to put her first, for the simple reason she is still his wife. I did not put my life on hold and I had a life of my own, just as he has had a life of his own. I have continued to date other men. Then about five months ago he told me, he had feelings for me. It was hard for me to come to terms with the fact we had fallen in love. That was exactly what I was trying to prevent by dating him. I am a successful, independent single professional with strong values. I am over 50 years old. The question I am asking myself is: How in the hell did this happen? How could I have been so naive? Even though I have a separate life, I date, I have supportive friends, I am happy... but I am lonely. I want to be with him. I know the deal, but that does not prevent the heartache. If I had to do it all over, I would walk away as soon as he told me he was married, which was the third sentence out of his mouth. Thank you for your article. Sometimes, morality does not prevent us from making unwise decisions, women often have to experience the pain. It is my hope that my story and your article will help women make a wise decision and leave the married me alone.

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      Portia 5 months ago

      How can i see that a married man really loves me?

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      Confuzzled88 5 months ago

      Help, so confused.

      I met a man a couple months ago online, we haven't actually met in person as he lives in another state from me. It was an online chat group for a game. I always noticed him when he chatted but i never pm him or directed any comments to him. one day he finally noticed me and said who is this person? A few days later he messaged me about something for the game and I replied and it was all pretty innocent for a little while then we started talking more and more and flirting and getting into deep conversations about our lifes,  talking daily ,several times a day. Then after a couple weeks things were getting a little serious and we were talking about meeting for the first time, he would fly me out or come to visit. I am more then finacially stable and wouldnt let him pay for me becuase i didnt want to have any strings attached. he finally asked about if I ever dated a heavy set man, or older man and then finally a married man. The first two I have before and doesn't matter to me but the last I was somewhat crushed, he is 10 years older then me and not heavy set, I already knew because his profile pic and pics we shared, he said he had to tell me cause he started having feelings for me and he liked the attention he got from me and didn't want to lose the feeling and lose me. Now I'm sure your thinking that only after a few weeks how can we make such a connection but we did and I was starting to have feelings for him as well, we have so much in common and almost type exactly what each is saying at the very same time, sometimes it's creepy but true. Like he knows what I'm thinking at the very moment or vice versa, like we will both be saying the exact same thing and hit enter at the same time to send message. This is instant chat btw.

       He told me that he was married for 17 years but they are a product of an arranged marriage and they have 2 children but are just friends, more like roommates, they have had sex only once or twice a month if even that. They pretty much live separate lives apart from their home life with their kids. He said they have talked about divorcing before but they just haven't because  even though they aren't happy they aren't horrible and mainly stayed together for the kids sake, he realizes now since meeting me that he wants to be happy and be with me rather then just surviving. That he now sees that there is so much more to life and love.

      At the time I knew he had kids because he had talked about them but not his wife, he said he did but don't remember seeing it, it's possible that he did as there is usually over 100 or more messages a day. He said he would stop chatting with me and I agreed but we still talked about the game and sometimes normal things and I took a step back but something about him kept me wanting more, I told him I couldn't be the other woman or be a homewrecker and he said that how could I break something that was already broken... My previous relationship (engaged) ended due to my ex cheating on me. He decided he was going through with the divorce and talked with his wife about it and they agreed and would start the process but they had a family vacation set a week later which they decided to follow through. Also he said after that day he started sleeping in his sons room, they have told the kids about the divorce,  they are in their early teens. I admit he convinced me and we continue to talk but that's all just talk about our feelings for each other and wanting to be together, he has told me that he won't go into the details with me as he doesn't want me to hurt from it and I agreed that I didn't want to know. When they came back from their  vacation he said he was planning on moving out, they agreed to an amicable split. We chatted daily but I only let it happen once a day, I didn't want to take his time away from his kids and their time together. He said his son is struggling with it a little bit and his wife has made some rude comments so he expects there to be drama soon. I have been finding myself jealous this whole time.

       I'm so confused what should I do? We have talked about moving in together and getting a house, I'll move to where he lives because honestly I don't care where I live and can relocate anywhere. He has his businesses and kids there. Anyway I don't want to be the cause of the family break up even though he says it's bound to happen anyway, but if it was why wait until I come along? Because he says he never intended or was looking for meeting someone that he will make the change in his life for. Should I break it off completely until after the divorce (i know this can take months or a year) or still keep the line of communication open and keep it only on a friendly level? Do I say screw it I'm going to hell anyway and just go for it and be damned? I feel like I'm being too moral? But in today's age there is no monogamy anymore, it's hey let's get married and if we divorce so be it, we can find someone else. He says he feels the same way, he wants monogamy but he wants it with some he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with not with someone who was chosen for him. Or should I just leave and forget about him. I did find his social media but couldn't bring myself to look.

      I love him and I think he does me.

      Thanks for listening,

      Confuzzled

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      Angela Wong 5 months ago

      Your article is a lighthouse for me now ...

      I've been dating a married man for a year, after been working with him for 5 years. Yes, he's my direct boss too.

      I know it's hard and no future..but, I'm truly in love with him and I could say he's in love with me too.

      He's such a nice and kind, been helping me a lot at work and push me for promotions and salary increment for many times, even before we started dating. ( In fact, he gave me the sign since first year we worked together and a few time after that, but I chose to ignore as I was with my ex-husband that time. We started dating two years after I divorced).

      For a year we've been dating, we of course have to keep this secret for the two of us, we both are high-executive level at work. He gives me strong support at work, give me lots of opportunities, always treat me to nice dine & wine, Michelin star chef dinner, rooftop bar and luxury trips. No cash support even thought he always said he gonna help me on my bills but, I've never ask for...

      I'm really in love with the guy as the love of my life. He's the one I try to draw for the whole life.

      I can't explain how much I love him and want hime.

      However, I want to end it! No matter how much I'm in love and care about him. I always struggling when he has to spend time with his wife and kid. I hate the feeling of being left behind and to be alone. I know it will end in tears as he will never leave his wife for me. Even he once said he want to have a thing to bind us for forever.

      I don't want to be his last resources anymore but, he's my direct boss and I don't want to sacrifice my career for this. I'm not in the age to start building credit at work again.

      I more I love him, the more I'm hurt and I want this end...

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      ju 5 months ago

      NEVER EVER DATE A MARRIED MAN ! it will be the cause of such pain in your life, you will loose the best of yourself. quit as fast as possible and better, never even start!

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      Author

      GlendaGoodWitch 5 months ago from California

      @ Jil

      Very difficult situation. If you decide to get involved, I would say to get something, prferably a lot, out of him first. Many men will take and run. Je obviously liking the challenge of the chase is the personality that can be immediately bored after the conquer.

      See if he knows how to wine and dine first.

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      Jil 5 months ago

      I'm glad I came across your article about dating married men, because I am considerding dating a wealthy married man. He is 50 I am 49. He's been trying to get me to see for several months. Trying to discourage him I told him a single woman only dates a wealthy married man for one reason. He said he was fine with that. He is aggressive in pursuing me and told me in the beginning when he really wants something he doesn't stop until he gets it. I have a young child I'm in a bind financially and I could really use the extra help and he knows that's the only reason I'd be getting involved with him. He's very attractive, sweet, funny, very confident, takes charge and so on. I'm the one that brings up sex, because a married man only gets involved with a single woman for one reason. I'm not gullible and I know there's no future with man and he will won't divorce his wife even though their kids are grown, but like most men he doesn't want to share his success. He has said he does not expect sex but it would a bonus, he says he just wants someone to travel with, hang out and have fun. I'm not looking for a relationship or spend a lot of time with someone, so he would actually be convienent for me as far as time and financially. There's two things stopping me...he's married and I'd practically be selling myself, but then I well if not me it will be someone else and what's the difference dating a single guy as a boyfriend that helps you out. He told me I worry to much and I just need to let him take care of me. So, what do you think???

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      Taylor 6 months ago

      Im seeing a man who told me from the beginning that he was married and he was getting a divorce but he dont have kids but he still lives with his wife.Ive been waiting for almost a yr now and Im now wondering if this is worth it

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      Confuse woman.. 6 months ago

      This article really enlightened me..having this affair with a married man for 9mos.now,on and off rel..having second thoughts whether I will continue this for I know this will not lead to anywhere..

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      Brenda alesi 6 months ago

      Very impressive teaching if I can say

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      Anonymous1990 6 months ago

      I feel in love with a married man. At the time he didn't mention being married and pursued me relentlessly. After I found out he was married he downplayed it and acted as if they were separated. Then when he went back I realized this was not the case as she was acting like she had authority over him and I didn't understand why he didn't talk back to her.

      I feel ashamed that I stayed with him long distance and gave her the time to repair their relationship if she wanted. How pathetic I was for that to stay on standby like that. He has left her since and always tells me that I am the first woman he has ever loved, desperately wants a child with me and a proper marriage (not a quick city hall signing due to pressure from his family) but I feel insecure and uncomfortable.

      He has children with her so she will always be in his life and she also knows that he had the balls to leave her because of me. She is a pathetic excuse of a girl who does not know how to look after herself, is very entitled, bad with money, stingy with no future. I hate that if we are together we will have to pay for her living because of their kids together.

      Since we are long distance I cant stand the time they spend together when he doesn't talk to me and although I do not question whether he is faithful i am turning more cynical and bitter every month.

      I think sometimes I sound crazy when I talk to him asking why it took so long to get back to me and snapping at him but at the same time i feel like this circumstance makes sense for met to turn into this.

      I also sense he is capable of little white lies. I saw this at the start of our relationship and sometimes he says something like...oh hanging with his friend John and John wanted them to visit this mexican guy's place. But his friend John was actually meeting a female and her housemate happens to be a mexican male. Why not just say he was visiting John's friend who was a female....

      Little things like this make me uncomfortable. Bending the truth to not deal with confrontation or drama. Am i being unreasonable?

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      Nelly mvula 7 months ago

      Married men will always cheat

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      rym 7 months ago

      i found out that he is married only two months from now but i really love him ....he is older than me and a father to five but i can't seem to let him go plz help me i am stuck

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      kisu 8 months ago

      deeply in love with a married man who has 4 children. married myself with 3 children but no feelings for my husband. I know he loves his wife cos he can't bear to hurt her. But he also professes to be in love with me. been on for months now. He's extremely jealous even of my husband. I know I need to move on but can't seem to find the strength to do so. my husband is too busy with career to even notice or have my time. I have never loved a man this much. I do most of the giving in the relationship. I need strength to move on. pls help me move on.

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      Halima 9 months ago

      Very nice piece of advise I loved it

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      Nell 9 months ago

      Hmm there seems to be a lot of store put on whether he lied about being married. So what if he didn't? It's not better, or more trustworthy. He is showing you who he is: someone who will cheat because it suits him. If he is interested in cheating he should be already divorcing. If he isn't he's a liar. Do you want a liar?

      Re getting him to pay things for you: do you steal? Is it ok to rifle through a woman's handbag while she's on the train? Because that's what you're doing. While he's married they're marital assets. If they divorce shes entitled to half adjusted for circumstances. So half of what he spends on you is hers. Yes you're a thief. No the fact you have an accomplice doesn't make a difference, plenty of thefts have inside help.

      Ask yourself would you want to be in his wife's position? I know you feel you're special but she was special enough for him to marry her. And he still cheated. So how special will you be if you take her place? I know I know you're different, she's a cold bitch. How do you know? Because he told you (implicitly by playing victim or martyr, or even explicitly by telling you). He's a man who cheats. He's a man who is currently lying to his wife about his activities while he cheats with you. How reliable do you think his account of his marriage is? How fair is he really being to his wife? And what does that say about him?

      Then there's you. You're not blameless. Do you hit people who are in your way? Do you drive into cars that block you? Do you run people over on the street? No? Why not? Don't tell me because it's illegal. Is that the only reason? Is that really what you'd do if it wasn't illegal? No? Now here's a tip: what you're doing to his wife is a hit and run. I don't care that he gave you the keys and the address and eggs you on. He might have a grievance. You don't. You have no reason to harm this woman. She's just in your way. And you're ok with knocking her down. Her injuries will be far worse than from a hit and run. That's on you. Is that the kind of person you want to be?

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      Angela4554 9 months ago

      He told me he was married but they are in the middle of divorce.They still live together until divorce is over and have a 17 year daughter.

      I did not even fancy him but he talked me into it.Kept talking about our future and how he only wants 1 woman does not needs lots.He video calls every morning.I think to see I am alone in bed and to show me when at home not in bed with wife.Video shows he sleeps on pull out sofa bed in living room as 2 bed flat.

      Can not do it anymore as can not take spending time with him/ on him knowing he is still going back to sane address as her.we talked from 10pm to 4am the other night over video and on the phone, but kept thinking she maybe at work.Spent whole of next day together.Can not trust him or wait so decided never to reply or answer his phone calls ever again.That is if he does phone or txt.Too much of a headache.

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      franny 9 months ago

      When I was 16 I dated this guy on and of for three months and then completely stopped talking to him. Now I'm 19 and he is 21 he didn't lie to me he told me right away that he was in a bad marriage that's depressing him, but he can't leave because his wife doesn't have a job and he has an 8 month old daughter. He tells me how he misses me and I have his heart but I don't know if I believe him if he cared for me as much as he says wouldn't he just leave its not that hard to leave someone you don't love

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      Lisa 9 months ago

      i am married to my husband for 33 years, But i have know this other man for about 7 months , & i do have Very Strong Feelings for him , As he does with me aslo ,We both live in Different States He is going through his Divorce , & he has told me he Love me Very Much & I have said the same And i do Love him Very Deeply with my Heart & Soul , & now i am trying to undersatand what to Really Do !!!Please help me , yes we to Text & thats all we do , But we both have Strong Feelings for each other , Dont know what to do , Please Help Me Lisa.

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      Stupid inlove 9 months ago

      I met someone at work and it turned into something more than a friendship. I knew he was married with 2 kids, I was also married but left my husband once I realised I wasn't actually in love with my husband at the time. Exactly like the story, he says they don't sleep together, they don't talk (unless it's about the kids). He tells me his loves me, he constantly tells me he will leave his wife but then exactly like the story doesn't end up leaving due to the kids. He doesn't like me talking about it and it's driving me crazy! I thought I was the only one in this stupid situation so it was nice to read everyone's comments and the story as well. My thoughts are that he isn't going to leave unless I leave him - in hope that he misses me. But sometimes deep down I know that he just isn't going to leave her. It really hurts and it is so frustrating because I feel like he is living the best life although he tells me it's not because he feels he is constantly walking on egg shells in case he gets busted. I just have no idea what to do! When he is with me it's amazing, I feel so comfortable and in love but then when he is with her I just feel so jealous and question everything. I really want to be strong enough to leave him but I just can't!

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      Luise Gray 9 months ago

      I know this guy for more than 20 years we used to work together and had a crush in each other. just flirting.He is married and I was also married i left the company 1996 and we never saw each other again but on and off I thought about him. My husband passed a way 4 months ago and he found out in f/b and sent me acondolences message. All of sudden we star talking agian and getting really envolved with hot text messages . He told me he still married but a few years ago he was having a lot problems with his wife almost walk away ..But got marriage conselour she got very depressed and got aadited at the hospital but they tolerate each other he has a daugther but she is by her own. he dicided to see each other for a dinner everting went well but before i knew we were kissing with passion ( before we see each other he was saying just friends nothing more keep reapiting to me) but we broke the rules..now is says is very confused about me and his wife..but wants to see me again and me too..He said i don't know wht to do with you and her he says they dont have nothing for a long time she went a deep depression and throughthe menopause she not in to.I'm very confusde but i have fellings for John..

    • Maria Cecilia profile image

      Maria Cecilia 10 months ago from Philippines

      the best excuse is this love and priorities are two different things, but without the one either one will work. The married man may love you but his priorities are his children or family, so at least you have that magical feeling that he loves you and an excuse that you can't be together because of the kids, so what to do, follow what the author said hahaha, wish women can think clearly always and have time to think as much, some are just so weak when it comes to matters of the heart

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      First Love 10 months ago

      So I was in love with this guy since the age of 15. He was my first real boyfriend. We shared our first kiss together. He got into a lot of trouble and he moved away and was basically in juvenile prison until age of 17. He was living in atlanta, ga and he had a child with another woman at the time and never looked back to since he moved. I never thought I would see him again, hear from him or ever touch him again. We are now in our 30's. We saw each other 6 months ago at a bar. Apparently he moved home and now I found out after we shared nights together just cuddling, kissing, and he performed oral sex on me, I found out he is married. He says he doesn't love her, he is never home and always stays at his sister's house and that is how we are seeing each other. I am currently engaged and he knows my fiancee. He hasn't threatened to tell my fiancee anything but he doesn't want me to get married. We had a real heated argument and I told him we are just friends, we don't have to ever have sex, and we can just speak from a distance. He agreed to my terms and returned to his wife but 3 weeks later he begged to see me. I told him no, and he showed up to a restaurant I was from looking on my facebook post. I disappeared from my bridal party at the restaurant and we went into his car and down the street and he was all over me. Kissing me, telling me is not going to let me go and he needs to be with me. I am his first real love and he will divorce his wife. He showed me divorce papers he is planning to present to his wife. I told him take me back to the restaurant and lost contact with him after that episode because it scared me. I have been keeping my distance from him but he put a letter in my mailbox two days ago offering to take me to the bahamas on a 7 day cruise and his divorce is final. He says he wants to marry me in the Bahamas and my wedding is the same weekend. I don't know what to do. There is something about my first love that i cant walk away from. But the man i am marrying is the father of my daughter we have been together since age 21. I met him in college and we are planning to spend the rest of our life together. Do I leave my family I created with my fiancee or Go back to my first love who divorced his wife to be with me???

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      Jenny 11 months ago

      This article open my eyes and helped me with a struggle of dating a married man for 9 years. I have shamefully listened and believed every letter of ever word he said. I feel alone, because your right I am. I am the one thing he isn't getting at home. He says he loves me..he says he is leaving her year after year. Same story different day. I feel this has changed me and who i really am. I am so sad and depressed all the time..always unhappy. I see other couple out together and I'm instantly thinking why cant that be me. I feel hard for this man over a 9 year timeframe like a fool!! How do you get over it and on with your life.. ?? That's s a long time to just suddenly no longer have that person you care to no longer be there...

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      AC123 11 months ago

      I am so lost in my relationship with a married man at this point.

      He pursued me at work, and I did not know he was married, but he did tell me on our first date. He was extremely upfront and honest, and very insistent that I needed to be comfortable before anything else happened. I ABSOLUTELY should have stopped right then and there. and I think about that a lot actually. He was seeing other women at this point, and has since stopped and is only seeing me outside of his wife. I believe this to be true only because he could not feasibly have time for anything else.

      At this point I am so deep into this. By October/November he was talking about divorcing his wife, and how he needed to move on with his life. I knew at that point that it was not to be with me, I am not delusional. Late December this faded away and his wife was trying to get pregnant (not via sex). He is so upfront about this information that it is very easy to believe it all. When he told me that his wife was pregnant I really thought that I would be able to end it and that would be my moral high ground, but I am still in it. This was about a week ago and I can already feel an emotional shift. He gets upset at me that I speak of this ending, even though he has stated that we absolutely will have AN end.

      I told him in the last week that I need to start seeing other people now, and he is really against this. Now THIS makes me crazy. He leaves me for his wife and his home constantly. I am the absolutely lowest priority in his life. He has everything. A wife, a baby on the way, a successful career, AND me. It is infuriating. I refuse to speak to people I know about this because it is humiliating. But the feelings are unreal, and he explains them in an eerily similar way. The truth is - I do not want him to leave his pregnant wife. I am not willing to be responsible for that, and I do not want to deal with his shit all the time. It is a bit of a relief to have him so distant from my life. But I am lonely, so fucking lonely. It is like days of pure sunshine and warmth, followed by the miserably, bitter cold times that seem to go on forever. I am constantly beating myself up over it all the time. Why can't I be stronger? Why am I OK being his lowest priority? Why am I ok with anyone treating me this way? IS this what I am worth?

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       11 months ago

      I'm seeing a married man 2years now. We met in high school, we were friends/trouble buddies. I was in a relationship with someone els back then and we only kissed once on accident in high school. When we graduation he left immediately to the military. I lost all contact and thought I'd never see him again. 8years later I randomly find him online super bowl Sunday. I emailed him and was excited to get a response, couldn't believe after 8years to have found him. We talked back and forth for a few days and set a day to meet and catch up over dinner. The moment he arrived at the restaurant I felt a indescribable sensation through my body. I was shocked with the attraction I was feeling toward him. We talked for over an hour,then the overwhelming tension between us became so obvious he called it out. We were both blindsided by the chemistry. We decided to go talk in the vehicle and the moment I closed the door the tension was irresistible. We immediately started to make out, and tho we both knew what we were doing was wrong, he's married, i have a boyfriend of 8years, we couldn't stop. The electricity between us was something I've never felt before. We ultimately had sex right there. I have never in my life had a one night stand nor ever had sex with any man the first date. It was the most trilling amazing sex of my life. I was shocked with my actions. The next day we talked about what happened and it happened again

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      SparklePony 12 months ago

      I started out dating the married couple. The wife became jealous of my relationship with her husband. Now I'm in love with him and she is alienated from both of us. It doesn't get more complicated than that. She knows about me but not that he and I still have intimate conversations. She put the ultimatum down that I cannot just have sex with him, and I don't want to have sex with her anymore. So it's supposed to be over.

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      Fiona 12 months ago

      A really great eye opening and honest article x

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      Rachel 12 months ago

      Found out recently that a man I have been sleeping with is sleeping with someone I know and have worked with. He is in a very high profile position. I'm not going to see him any more but I know his routine and this other woman who I like I want to tell her that she hasn't been the only one so she can also take care herself to not get hurt any more thinking he's just with her and may leave his wife some day which clearly has been a lie from day one. What should I do.? Should I just walk away with telling my friend to do the same because he was sleeping with me too or should I just let her continue her affair with him. Really want to bust him I'm sure he will replace all of us but still ... Help . Oh year how should do it as well.

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      Baby3 12 months ago

      I am seeing a married man. We have known each other since high school. I am also friends with his first wife. I have met his current wife at a function a few years ago. He and I have been friends and never looked at one another in any other way. Two weeks ago something changed and we crossed a line for the first time in 22 years of knowing him. His wife is due any time with their child. I know he loves his wife and I know that he believes he is falling in-love with me... Unfortunately, I have fallen in-love with him. He wants to tell her about us. He hasn’t been sexually active with her since we crossed the line. I am in such conflict and turmoil over this. As a mother myself, I am really apprehensive about him telling her especially before she gives birth. That could put both of their lives in danger (my opinion). I know it is wrong and I am very blunt about it with him. We are on the phone from 6am till almost midnight everyday. I know the right thing to do is walk away. I can’t bring myself to do it. He can’t do it either. I am partly hoping that once the baby comes that it will affect our relationship. That way this affair will only have lasted 3 weeks.

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      Renee - Carolina 12 months ago

      I would love to hear your story Erica

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      Erica 12 months ago

      I am dating a married man as well...I find it comforting knowing many others are guilty of this. I'd like to tell my story and get some feedback. Is anyone still on here to respond for some advice or thoughts/suggestions?!

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      Renee - Carolina 12 months ago

      I was in a 15 year relationship with a man and we have four children together he wanted an out do he left us . My oldest was 11 and youngest was 7. 9 years later I met a guy that delivers products at my job and he said he has been watching me for a while he gave me his number but I lost it. A couple weeks later we ran in to each other and he asked what happened I told him I lost his number so he ask me for my number and I gave it to him. So he called later that night. The first questions I asked were Are you or have you ever been married he said no. We talked on the phone and txt for about two weeks. I sitting one day having lunch and two of my co workers we're talking about his dad and his name came of and I sat there and listen to what they had to say. I found out that he was married with 3 children I was shocked. I called him and he was mute at first. He then said to me yes he is but it's not perfect and my words to him was I asked you in the beginning and you lied to me and trust is a big issue for me after my previous relationship. I then told him we can only be friends because believe it or not he always made me laugh and I made him laugh. I really liked him but I can't be with a married man. I Thank God I found out about his marriage and I never slept with him but I can't lie I do think about him from time to time. I think maybe it's because I haven't allowed another man in my life after my precious relationship or that I have been celibate for 2 1/2 years..

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      Nikki P. 12 months ago

      I was cheated on by my husband (now ex) and it is devastating. One of the worst pains I've ever had. It's never ok to do that to your spouse, no matter how unhappy you are. And it can be avoided. I know how difficult it can be to do the right thing. I've been friends for years with an old co-worker who is now married with 3 children. One day recently, he confessed that he's had feelings for me since we worked together 16 years ago. I'm very attracted to him also and I have enjoyed our conversations over the years. But he's married. So we remain friends, but nothing romantic has been allowed to happen. I keep the conversation friendly and if his wife ever saw anything that is said, she will never have to worry about me. It hurts sometimes because I miss being with someone and it's been difficult to find someone. But I feel better knowing I'm not going to be responsible for hurting another woman the way I was or for breaking up a family. And I know that if it ever becomes too difficult to just stay friends with him, I will pull the plug on our friendship. It takes a lot of self control, which is something lacking in many people these days.

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      bb88888888 12 months ago

      How about not committing adultery and just staying away from married man altogether? That's the righteous way.

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      Miles 13 months ago

      Im living together with a married man, his wife left him, they have no baby and no communication at all. He wanted to have family with me, and having baby, before he would legally end their marriage and before he would marry me. But I wanted him to make a first step of formally ending their relationship before wanting to have kids with him, yet he has not done anything so far. Im just afraid. so I told him I was not ready yet to build a family but what I really wanted was to first get married with him before starting a family.

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      TAJAH 13 months ago

      i have been in a relationship with this man for 6 years. i think im outgrowing him because its not going in the direction i would like. he was honest enough to tell me he was in a live in relationship with his girlfriend whom they have always had arguements. for me this was just a physical relationship but then he bacame attached getting to know my family. and yes over time i have grown to love him and i feel he has some affection for me but its not enough for me. at first he would say if i dated someone he would understand but now he doesnt want me to date other people. which like i told him its selfish because he is still in the live in situation. my problem is i have become so comfortable with the way things were, but now im tired! i see that this is going nowhere no time soon or later!

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      Anon 13 months ago

      Didnt know where to begin,Maybe i shouldn't

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      Billz 13 months ago

      It is dead wrong to be "in love" with a married man!!! This article just paints all the bad stuff in shades of grey and does not actually say for a fact what is wrong or right. People will keep reading this crap and be subconsciously setting themselves up for divorce and being more open to it. Yet they wonder why divorce rate is highest in the US. Like people should move on already!! There are millions of single guyz out there and this writer will be telling us how to "caress" being in love with a married man... its funny until you are the wife about to get divorced by your husband and all your years and efforts are down d drain because of a group of people that rely on their genitals for their thinking!! The truth is... until we learn to love the right way...this is just an endless cycle...when he dumps his wife for you trust me in a year or two he would be having thoughts of finding "the next best thing" of course what goes around comes around. We ought to be thinking of making the world a better place and take more responsibilities for our decisions and actions rather than always looking for the short escape route. Until then, the divorce rate will only get higher...can't imagine what relationships and marriages would be like in 2050