I left my desk job after ten years to be a stay-at-home wife, and I haven't looked back.
How to Be Submissive in a Relationship or Marriage
I am a submissive wife to my dominant husband, and this marriage has been the ultimate blessing in my life. I wish this same kind of happiness for every other married couple out there.
If you think of your husband as the leader of your heart and home, here are some tried and true tips for how to be a submissive wife yourself. And if your marriage isn't so happy, these tips could give you a little more wedded bliss.
Being a voluntarily submissive wife is simply about serving your husband in a way that benefits you and the entire marital relationship.
It takes a strong and confident woman to be a submissive wife. It does not mean that you don't have an opinion or that you let your husband control every aspect of your life. Being a submissive wife to your husband means focusing on being his helper, lover, and supporter. Submitting to your husband's will is a sign of complete trust and love and can significantly improve your marriage.
Women Are More Unhappy Now
Women are now more unhappy than men in the United States, as self-reported happiness has decreased in the past 35 years.
Some people correlate the rise of the feminist movement with the divorce rate and rates of unhappiness among women. Since the 1960s, the divorce rate has increased, while marriage rates have dropped.
Women have been brought up since the 1960s to develop their careers first before marriage, to compete with men in the workplace, and to train in aggressive contact sports—to think that winning is everything—just like men traditionally have done throughout history.
For many women, this focus on aggression has led to more unhappiness and more stress in their lives. This kind of focus doesn't always allow women to nurture for the softer and more relaxed approach many of us like to take in more areas of our lives.
Some women take a win-at-all-costs approach with their relationships as well. The problem is aggression and combativeness do not work with men in a marriage. This is because biologically, men are the most combative and aggressive animal. And they tend to fight you tooth and nail when they think someone is challenging them—even if the one challenging them is a woman.
Why Become a Submissive Wife?
If you are thinking about becoming a submissive spouse you might wonder as you've read the article, what exactly is in it for you.
- Lower chance of divorce.
- Keep the spiciness alive in your marriage, and avoid the overwhelming boredom that plagues people's marriages.
- Increased feelings of love, grace, and companionship with your husband.
- If you are a housewife or stay-at-home mom, you will get financial protection and enjoy the domestic sphere, away from the hostilities of the career world.
- Favors and special treatment from your husband, such as gifts and extra nights out.
- Peace in the house, i.e., decreased fighting or arguing.
- Lower risk of infidelity.
- Ability to be your feminine self. If you are a girly-girl, this will be a given. You will enjoy your role as a submissive wife to the fullest.
To conclude, submission is not slavery or servitude. It can be a smart way to help ensure that your marriage is fulfilling for both of you. I would say that makes good business sense.
How to Be a Submissive Wife in 7 Steps
- Let him be your hero.
- Listen to what he says, but don't always answer.
- Always look beautiful for him, especially around the house.
- Become a housewife.
- Care for his wishes.
- Cry instead of yell.
- Ask him for favors when you know he is in his most relaxed state.
1. Let Him Be Your Hero
Men, by nature, want to feel heroic. It is why they come to our rescue when we are in need. So let him protect you, provide for you, and hold you when you are in deep sorrow. You will love him all the more for it.
A submissive wife accepts her husband's heroism happily. Your husband loves you and wants to do anything he can to please you and make you happy. Give him the chance to sweep you off your feet and hold you up when you are feeling down.
2. Listen to What Your Husband Says, But Don't Always Answer
Your husband will often complain about work, about politics, about the state of the world. Men always have a vision of how the world around them should ultimately be run. You will often internally disagree with what he says, for example, even thinking he is wrong in how he handled a disagreement at work.
Acknowledge what your husband feels, saying only the minimum. This serves to allow him to express his stresses while also relaxing him, knowing he won't have another debate on his hands to add to his stress. Trying to change him or his attitude can make the situation worse. Instead, focus on supporting him and being there for him.
3. Always Look Beautiful for Him, Especially Around the House
Your husband wants to come home to the attractive woman that you are. Keep yourself in shape as best you can, wear a feminine hairstyle (medium to long length), and wear form-fitting clothes—even tight sweats will do.
You don't need to wear makeup. Just keep your face fresh looking (maintaining your eyebrows, for example). If you take the time to embrace your feminine side and look beautiful, your husband will notice, and he will be very happy that you are taking the time to look good.
4. Become a Housewife, If You Can Financially Manage It
You must, of course, like the idea of taking this route, and it must be realistic for your financial situation. Realize your attention to the home in creating an oasis of warmth will create a special world of love that nothing the outside world can break. Being a traditional housewife is a joy unto itself.
You will not have the 40-hour workweek deadlines that so many other women have. You won't be frantically trying to balance commuting, workload, and stress with the cleaning, cooking, decorating, and lovemaking you need to make a house a home.
You might have less money coming into the house, but you can still have a happier marriage. Creating an inviting home environment for your husband and your children (if you have them) is a job in and of itself, so it will not always be easy. However, there are numerous benefits of being a housewife, and doing so can help your marriage thrive.
5. Care for Your Husband's Wishes
Maybe he'll tell you he's in the mood for his favorite cake or that he wants the floor vacuumed. Instead of saying, "Do it yourself," or "Yeah, when I get done the million things I already have to do," consider saying "Alright honey," or "I'll make a note of it."
Even if you don't get to something right away, you have told him that his wants are important to you and that you want him to be happy. By paying attention to his needs you are sending the message that you care about him and that he matters to you.
6. Cry Instead of Yell
You will often naturally cry, but anger is also usually better expressed as sadness, even if it isn't your first inclination. If your husband makes you irate with something he says, perhaps it's critical, belligerent, or he's just getting too loud for your tastes; instead of letting a battle ensue, try tuning into the side of yourself that expresses sadness instead of anger. Frowning and deep sighing are softer than arguing.
Tears have a way of either softening his mood, quieting him down, or making him walk away. Most married couples will go through bad moods and fights, even quite destructive ones. Maybe he'll still grumble after you cry a little, but you will have achieved the ultimate goal: dissipating the hard emotion in the room. If you don't feel the urge to cry, excusing yourself and leaving the room can work as well.
7. Ask Him for Favors When You Know He Is in His Most Relaxed State
Often this is after work, especially on Friday nights. If you need something from your husband or even have to give him bad news, realizing when he can best absorb the information without getting stressed out will often make the difference in how he feels, and in turn, how you will feel.
Consider his feelings and his mindset before you ask him to do something. If he has just had a hard day at work, it would be a good idea to hold off on asking him to do something; instead, you should wait until a better moment.
You Must Not Be in an Abusive Relationship
A submissive woman does not belong in an abusive relationship. If your relationship is abusive, the only way is out. Someone who is abusive will abuse your submissive role. A man who is naturally just dominant will not.
Submission is about voluntary grace and being of help to a man who will protect you, guide you, cherish you, and be the lead in the relationship. It is the ultimate meeting of the masculine and the feminine. You will know the difference. Focus on respecting your husband, and he will do the same for you. However, if he does get abusive with you either physically or emotionally, this should not be tolerated.
Will You Enjoy Being a Submissive Wife?
If you can agree with the following things, your answer is yes.
- I don't want to wear the pants in my relationship.
- I would rather my husband handle the big stresses in life, and I simply support him through the tough times.
- I love cooking and keeping the house beautiful, things I need to stay home to do.
- I want intimacy with my husband as the dominant partner.
- I want to have a protector and a masculine guide in my life.
- I want to increase the happiness of my husband and make his life less stressful.
Also, keep in mind that if you do not feel comfortable submitting completely to your husband, you don't have to. You can also choose certain aspects of your marriage to be submissive in, such as what happens in the bedroom, and choose for your husband to have more control.
The Potential Problem With Putting Careers First
The ultimate problem with telling generations of young women to put their careers first is that the workplace does not care about us and never will. It is not pro-woman. It is not pro-human. The workplace cares about your output and productivity, but it will never love you like a husband in a relationship can.
And considering that us women are naturally emotional, a marriage we invest ourselves in will usually have more capacity to make us happy than a job that can kick us onto the street without warning and without sympathy.
Women are often expected to work hard and focus on their careers, in addition to keeping up the household and helping raise the children. That is simply too much, and it creates a lot of stress in a woman's life, which can lead to neglecting her marriage and the happiness of her husband.
Being in a loving marriage is one of the greatest feelings one can have, and being in a healthy relationship with your husband is the easiest way to ensure that this happens. He will reciprocate your feelings and treat you like his princess.
Remember that you can still have your own thoughts and opinions, and you are not some doormat for your husband to step on. However, you would focus on helping him and loving him the way he wants to be loved.
Getting What You Want and Need As a Wife Without Demanding It
If you are concerned with never getting your way if you become submissive to your husband, consider that your husband will want to make you happy when you are an easy-going, gracious wife. Be kind and polite to your husband, and he will respond in kind.
Your charms will do more for you as a wife than any complaining or fighting will. It might sound odd at first, but gentleness and femininity are elixirs for men. They cannot experience those womanly qualities anywhere else but in a relationship. The competitiveness of the working world and even the dynamic between his friends is usually macho and aggressive, and a man's relationship is the one place he can really get solace from all of that. Your husband will be grateful to you for showing your softer, submissive side.
Have You Really Enjoyed Independence and Gender Neutrality That Much?
I was fed the same lies as millions of other women growing up in the '80s and '90s—put career first and look for marriage later—because women supposedly fared so much better with independence.
Well, my career gave me a lovely paycheck but exposed me to endless corporate battles, tough deadlines, work enemies, and stress. In short, it was everything my extremely feminine character was not set up to deal with.
When I traded my paper-pushing for a husband, I found that satisfaction my character had been looking for—that right fit. I found I fell naturally into a role of being the protected, spoiled, submissive wife to my leader, dominant, provider, protective husband.
Using a business analogy, I think of my husband as my own special client, one that provides me with mutual rewards.
In The Surrendered Wife, author Laura Doyle provides examples of how to fit the submissive wife lifestyle into your relationship until it becomes second nature, and you reap those mutual rewards!
She goes in depth into how to enjoy submissiveness with intimacy, with feeling protected by your strong husband, and with feeling free to be your most feminine self in your marriage, despite the modern influences against femininity.
Remember that femininity and masculinity are reciprocal in nature, and one cannot exist without the other. It is not bad to be feminine in response to the masculine nature of men. Allow your true feminine nature to come out in your marriage, and you will find greater happiness.
Having a Dominant Husband
Men are leaders by nature, so allow your husband to lead the way. Your thoughts and opinions as a wife are still respected and valued by your husband, but trying to strip him of his masculinity will only make your marriage suffer.
A recent study from Purkyne University and Charles University, Prague, has shown that marriages are stronger when one spouse is dominant, leading to greater stability and more children. So, allowing your husband to assert his masculine nature will increase the happiness and satisfaction in your marriage.
This relationship lifestyle will not be for everyone. Sometimes the husband or the wife just does not fit the profile of someone who can be happy being dominant or submissive. In the end, you need to judge for yourself the steps you wish to take and what traits you are comfortable adopting in your life.
That being said, many women find greater happiness by submitting to their husbands, so if greater marital happiness is something that you are looking for, it might be the right thing for you.
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This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Questions & Answers
Question: I tend to let my mouth get me in trouble. I always have to win the argument, but my boyfriend is very dominant. What are some things I can do when we have a disagreement that will allow my voice to be heard without making him feel like less of a man?
Answer: It's easy to let pride and emotion take over. If the problem is yelling or raising your voice when you are arguing, you can first try to say the same things but in a business-like tone. That means just using a neutral tone, which can take some of the negative energy out of what you say. If what you're saying still sounds bad no matter what, you can use phrases like, "I understand", "How do you feel about ...", "Do you think we could still ...", "Can we compromise by maybe ...".
You also win the argument when you realize you've managed to be successful in neutralizing a potential blowup or even better, in making your boyfriend feel closer to you with your conversational and caring finesse.
Most importantly, pick only the most important things to disagree about. A lot of things we all argue about in the end are not life-changing priorities.
Question: As a man I agree with much of what you say. However, as a 'modern' male I feel awkward with the idea that a woman should submit sexually to her husband. So does my wife. How can we shift our mindset?
Answer: If you find the idea awkward and your wife does as well, there is no need to bring submissiveness into your intimacy. The point is not to make anyone uncomfortable but to put the male in charge of the lovemaking (while staying fully aware of your wife's intimate limits and turn-offs). You'll be running the show while making sure both of you are satisfied. This might ease your mind.
Question: I would also like to have a bit ‘rougher ‘ sex and that at times he doesn’t take no for an answer (always with my permission of course). I know it would be the best sex of my life. He isn’t into it and I know it will never happen. What can I do to not be frustrated? I absolutely believe that if he doesn’t like it he shouldn’t need to do it. But I am still unsatisfied. Any advice?
Answer: This is a desire of a lot of feminine women. It can be frustrating if you feel your husband doesn't want to partake in a more aggressive role.
In this case being submissive with your husband also means you would be understanding in his desires not to role play in this way, which it seems you already understand.
But a trick some women use is to get their husbands "riled up" with arguing to bring out more aggression in them. But this could backfire if you don't think he'll respond in a sexual manner and instead might just walk off aggravated.
The best suggestion I have is that when you're in the heat of lovemaking to imagine your fantasy of him being dominant playing out. Many women close their eyes during sex because they are not only enjoying the feeling but letting their imagination take over during the more exciting moments. You can also bring yourself to orgasm with toys (by yourself) while imagining this.
Question: I plan to marry at the end of the year. I’ve been married twice before and always had to handle everything. My fiancée is different, and I know I’ll need to be submissive. I’m worried I’ll fail at it horribly. I notice I try to take control and he gets upset. How can I consciously do better? I like not having the world on my shoulders.
Answer: It is a natural inclination to try to handle things yourself. As long as you both know what the expectations are in the relationship, this can work out well for you. The best way I know how to explain it is to imagine yourself on vacation. Put those tasks and worries that you know he will handle out of your mind. If he ever needs you to do something, he will ask.
Question: How do you keep your mouth closed and do as your husband says even when you know he's leading you down the wrong path?
Answer: If it is a serious issue then I would not stay quiet about it. It is best if you can enlighten him and help him see a better choice.
Question: My husband is chronically ill, and I had to take on a lot more responsibility. I became disillusioned. I renewed this sense of service to my husband by reading articles on BDSM. This helped remind me that part of my caretaking role, and taking on more of the responsibilities that were once his, is also part of being submissive. But, it’s so exhausting. What can I do to help keep this sense of service and keep myself healthy so I can serve him?
Answer: I applaud you for your dedication to your husband and home, and my best wishes to both of you. I think taking care of your husband and his former responsibilities is something that at least one spouse in most marriages goes through at one point in their life. I am guessing you feel like you're burning the candle at both ends and feel like you need a break from it all somehow to recover. I don't think you have a problem with having a sense of service; I think the problem is getting burnt out, being physically and emotionally overwhelmed. The only suggestions I can make are to see if your husband's healthcare plan can arrange for visiting healthcare for your husband to perhaps give yourself a break, speak to area social service agencies to inquire if there are any services you can get for him, such as delivered meals. You can also do things like seeking out online forums for caretakers to get some of your cares off your chest, talk to family about what you're going through, etc. Finally, if you two can engage in any intimacy, even if it's just talking in a stimulating way, or light touching, I would go ahead and try it. This might help give you two some emotional bonding and release. If you can, try getting a massage. If you have a lot of tension built up, you will often start crying and release the tension during the massage. Don't worry. Massage therapists are used to this. It will make you feel better when the session is done.
Question: When should I marry?
Answer: You should marry when you find a good man that also wants to get married.
Question: I am a strong, independent woman with a career that won't change, but my husband and I are looking at this lifestyle for us. How do I quiet the independent woman in me and be submissive? I am lucky to have an even stronger husband.
Answer: You can try integrating some aspects of submissiveness into your life, such as in the bedroom. You can also give up decision-making on some topics that you find frustrating. For me, it's home repairs. I just defer to my husband on that issue because he actually knows what he's talking about versus me on this topic, and I also hate home repair issues. So basically, find his strengths, and address topics of concern that weigh you down that he is better at handling, and be submissive on those issues. You will then be learning and putting submissiveness into your relationship without sacrificing independence in areas that would make you feel vulnerable.
Question: I was submissive, he was the leader. He lead us to divorce. He stopped loving me and I didn’t know how to fix it! He shut me out! How can my submission help when he’s already given up?
Answer: I'm so sorry for this loss. You sound like a lovely woman. If this relationship is now one-sided it is best to let him go. It sounds like he is draining you. Find a new passion or something you always wanted to do, so you can enjoy your life as you deserve. This type of relationship requires two people. If you are the only one putting energy into it, it is going to be an emotional drag. You deserve better.
Question: Can this submissive wife guide work outside of a marriage setting? I am a single mother that still is responsible for my own household, but my man wants me to be submissive, and I’m not sure how to switch it off and on.
Answer: You would need to go with your comfort level on this one. I mostly recommend being submissive for marriage because there is generally a more secure comfort level between two people when they are married. Boundaries and expectations are generally respected and understood, etc. You would need to find out what his definition of being submissive is. Being submissive can mean as little as not being argumentative all the way to being a housewife and being intimately submissive. Each relationship can have its parameters.
Question: I have trouble being sensitive. What I mean by that is the tapping into my emotions as a woman, especially as a wife, to allow the submissive woman to come out. How could I begin to do so?
Answer: I'm guessing it makes you feel more vulnerable than you like to feel. For this to work, you have to feel comfortable being submissive. If you trust your husband with your vulnerability and if his personality would mesh with a submissive wife, then it becomes easier. What you can try is imagine doing one thing that is submissive that you would actually like and try carrying it through. You can do baby steps. If being submissive would never feel natural for you, ever, then it isn't a good lifestyle for your personality.
Question: I would have really loved to try the submission thing but my marriage presently is going through rough times. My husband keeps on abusing me for my mistakes in the past and I don't know how to correct this. He thinks I don't love him and I have a feeling that when I start being submissive he will see it as pretense. I don't know what to do?
Answer: I don't think submissiveness is the appropriate approach during this stage of your marriage. If your husband is abusing you for past mistakes, you will want to seek help so that this does not continue, whether it is by him getting counseling or by you no longer being around him. I am thinking you want to try submissiveness as a way of making amends to him or feel this will put you in his good graces. If you are being mistreated, being submissive to him will make you feel even worse.
Question: In regards to tip #6 in your article, I've never been one to yell but I "cry over everything." However, my boyfriend gets even more frustrated when he is talking sternly to me and I start crying. I guess I'm just a crybaby, but I really don't know what to do?
Answer: It's okay. I'm a crybaby too. Sometimes I get the same reaction. I will sometimes try to go for a hug when crying, and sometimes this works. But I notice that there is less of a degree of anger when crying than when fighting.
In really emotional times it can be a good idea to excuse yourself and leave the room too, to let everything calm down. If you want to approach a touchy subject again (the one that caused the problem), speaking in an even, business-like tone rather than in an emotional tone will often be better received and can help his reaction be less emotional too. I hope this helps.
Question: What if my boyfriend wants me to think like him and to agree with everything he prefers? For example, even though we're dating, we don't live together. He tells me what to watch and that I should be smarter. I feel as if he is trying to dumb me down. How do I let him know that I don't like that?
Answer: Let him know. Most people give opinions and suggestions based solely on what they think, and it is likely part of his natural personality.
Question: My fiance doesn't accept his faults, what can I do about that?
Answer: You will pretty much have to accept him the way he is if you decide to marry. Most people do not change or only change if they see a need for it themselves and really want to do it. Before you decide upon submissiveness to this man, think to yourself, "Is this fault important enough that it will hamper a healthy marriage?"
Question: I am an empath, easy-going and submissive. At the same time, I am spiritually advanced and very successful in my job. I had a great life and awesome relationships until I recently moved to USA! Here being submissive is misinterpreted as a weak, needy woman, and dominant guys are extremely self-centered and malignant narcissists! How can I survive as a healthy, loving submissive woman in this extremely toxic society without getting taken advantage of?
Answer: Being a submissive woman was very culturally common in the USA until at least the 1960s. And men were taught to be respectful with women and appropriately aggressive. There are still many good submissive women and dominant men, however. In my opinion, most men I've ever encountered are somewhat dominant/masculine. As a woman just try to protect yourself when you are on the dating scene because there are a lot of cads out there.
A woman is only considered needy and weak when the man she is with is not really her match. When she is with a man that suits her personality there is no such critique, at least by him. Society and other people might always judge, however.
Just always be true to yourself, but protect yourself until you find the person you know you can be vulnerable with.
Question: Could you list examples for #2 in this article about being a submissive wife? I want to be able to keep my mouth shut and support him while he is venting but I have no idea what things to say that wouldn’t turn it into a debate. Like if he lost something important, saying it’s okay try looking for it here or there won’t help because that just causes him to get more frustrated. What are things that I could say to soothe his irritation about his lost item?
Answer: Conversations between husband and wife can definitely be sensitive. Some examples for your question include, "Oh, I'm sorry it is missing, honey." or "Oh darn, I know how important X item is to you." Just acknowledgment. A lot of men don't like hearing anything that sounds like instructions, so like you said, saying "try looking for it here" probably wouldn't help. You could say something like, "I thought I saw it in X spot." That would give him enough information without actually suggesting to him what he should do.
Question: I am trying to be submissive to my man, but I am having trouble letting go of my attitude and constant opinions on everything. How can I fully submit and stop being the woman that is independent and opinionated?
Answer: Being submissive is more about changing communication patterns rather than changing yourself. We all have certain changes that are ideal to make to get along with another human being. See if this helps: making different opinions than his known only when you feel the subject at hand is very important. Also, neutralizing the tone that you deliver differing opinions in. Men will more often react negatively to a high-pitched voice when they don't like the statement itself. If you lower your voice to a more relaxing range you might find what you say does not sound as independent or opinionated. Finally, try asking for his opinion and taking his suggestion on things that you aren't really worried about. This way you seem more submissive or easy-going but haven't made any sacrifices.
Question: I am a woman who wants a thriving career but have a boyfriend. I don't want to put me on hold for him. What do you, the writer of this article, have to say about putting my career on hold for my boyfriend?
Answer: It's all up to personal preference. Being submissive is purely a choice. It is also just presented here as an option for people who are married as they have a legal commitment to each other that is designed to look out for each other's needs. My career also used to be very important to me when I was single. You might find that having a career for 30 to 40 years is what works for your well-being. Everyone has their own journey.
Question: My boyfriend want's me to be submissive but I don't like being told what to do, what should I do?
Answer: If you don't feel you can be comfortable with this in any way, you will want to tell him.
Question: I disobeyed my fiance and he demands me to give him a threesome for punishment of the wrong I did. I don't want to do that because I feel it's wrong, what should I do?
Answer: I do not think this act is a good idea for you. It is against your beliefs and out of your comfort zone.
Question: Can you be submissive in a verbally abusive relationship? Or in a relationship where nothing you do seems to make your husband happy?
Answer: No, being submissive does not work if you are an abused wife, because you are not able to reap an emotionally healthy relationship from it. The second question has many factors involved, so there is no strict answer for that.
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