How to Be More Secure and Trusting in Relationships

Updated on September 15, 2017
Filip Stojkovski profile image

I'm a computer programmer and game developer who is also deeply curious about the arts, psychology, and philosophy.

Being insecure, jealous and lacking trust in romantic relationships is something that affects a lot of people. There are different reasons why some people feel insecure and distrustful while others seem to be secure and confident in their relationship and their partner.

In this article we'll discuss a few factors which are believed to play a role in how secure we feel in intimate relationships. Those factors include: past relationship and attachment experiences, relationship with parents, self-esteem etc. Luckily, there are a lot of behaviors and positive thought patterns you can learn and implement in your life to become more secure both as an individual and as a partner.

1. Observe How Secure People Behave

We can learn how to implement healthy behaviors in our lives by observing them. If you have someone close to you like a friend or a family member who you think has a healthy behavior in relationships, observe how they act and how they deal with problems. If your partner is secure you can also observe their behavior and ask them if they ever get insecure and jealous and how they deal with it.

2. Remember That Your Partner Chose You for a Reason

Don’t waste your time comparing yourself to other people and wondering if they would make a better partner than you. If your partner really thought someone else would make them happier, they would have chosen someone else already. Your partner chose you for a reason and if they show you that they are happy with you, it is because they are.

3. Think About What a Healthy and Secure Relationship Looks like

Ask yourself what a relationship needs to be like in order to be considered healthy. Write about it in your diary, blog about it, watch videos and TV shows, and read books about it. That should give you an idea about the dynamics of a healthy relationship and make you more aware of unhealthy and toxic behaviors.

4. Don’t Jump to Conclusions Without Any Evidence

Insecure and anxious people have a great ability to detect when something is wrong with a relationship or when their partner is behaving differently than usual. However they also jump to negative conclusions even when they have no evidence for it. That leads to unnecessary drama and can be a burden for their partners. Instead of immediately assuming something bad and accusing your partner of being unfaithful, ask yourself if you have any strong evidence for it.

5. Don’t Be Passive Aggressive

Sometimes you may feel compelled to play mind games and withdraw from your partner when you feel like they are not there for you enough (or when you jump to the conclusion that they did something wrong). That behavior is very unhealthy. Instead of engaging in passive aggressive behaviors, try to communicate your concerns with your partner. It’s more likely than not that you will find a good solution and you will feel much better.

6. Don’t Be Afraid of Expressing Your Needs

You may feel unable to express your needs out of the fear of appearing needy, but the truth is that the more you suppress your needs the needier you become until you can’t hold it anymore and become angry. In order to avoid the buildup of anger, express your needs to your partner. Most of the time your partner will respond positively.

7. Learn to Respond, Instead of React to Your Negative Thoughts

There is a difference between responding and reacting. A reaction is impulsive, emotional, and sometimes even aggressive but a response is more mindful. To be able to respond instead of react impulsively, first you need to become aware of your emotions and then make a thoughtful response to the situation.

8. Don't Let Past Relationships Influence You in a Negative Way

Sometimes when we get betrayed by our closest ones we tend to develop trust issues. But you need to remember that every relationship is unique. Just because your ex-partner was unfaithful doesn’t mean your new partner will be the same. Don’t let negative past experiences negatively influence how you view your partner and how much you trust them.

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