How to Annoy Your Husband: Advice From an Expert
I know many of you are thinking, "I don't need an article on how to annoy my husband!" Well perhaps you don't, but you are going to read it anyway- just to see if you are in the category of an "irritating spouse"! Just go ahead and try not to read it. It won't work. You can't help but want to see if you will walk away from the computer screen feeling like a proud trophy wife, or slumping in your chair in recognition that you too can go down in the hall of Annoying Wife Of Shame.
For me, the art of annoying my husband comes quite naturally. I have so much experience and wisdom in this area, I think it might just become my online writing niche. I figured I owe it to the world and my gracious husband, to share with wives everywhere- how to successfully irritate the crap out of your husband.
1. Be master of the obvious.
This is so much fun. He's in the kitchen pouring drinks for the kids and you say, "make sure you add ice." He gets in the car and you remind him to put his seatbelt on. The more you treat him like a kid, the more annoyed he will get. Pretend he doesn't have any brains at all, and infer that he'd lose his head if it wasn't attached.
2. Get a credit card or check design of Tinkerbell.
Long ago, when I used to handle the finances, I thought it would be jolly good fun to order our Disney Visa cards with a cute design. I liked Tinkerbell, so I ordered two. Every time Andrew whipped out his card during a business trip or errand, he'd either get a strange look or, "Oh what a cute credit card!" He's reminded daily of his little wife at home and her sweet innocent face when she said, "Oh dear, I didn't realize that card would get you made fun of!" (Snort). Just for the record, when the card expired, I upgraded him to Nemo. Okay, it's not much better, but it's still fun to watch him stutter when the cashier comments on his card. It takes just enough swag out of his step should he be tempted to be Mr. Nice Guy at a bar.
3. Sew his clothes together when he refuses to put his laundry away.
It drives me bonkers when I take the time to wash, dry, and fold his clothes- only to see them sit on top of his dresser for months. Don't think I thought to put them away for him. Oh no, instead- I took a needle and thread and sewed those suckers together. When he woke up to grab a new pair of boxers, he pulled the whole pile off the dresser and I watched him try to wrestle his underwear out of the pile. Oops.
4. Make him answer questions that have no right answer.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"
"Do you think the new neighbor's wife is pretty?"
Ask him questions that he'll not be able to answer quickly, then accuse him of lying because it took him so long to think of an answer. It'll annoy him, I promise.
5. Every time he gets hurt, mutter not-so-quietly, "Oh yeah? Try pushing a baby out of your whooha!"
Comparing every injury to labor will annoy him to death. He knows you're superwoman for growing a child that's way too big for your nether regions, but you can use every major and minor affliction to gently help him remember just how amazing and heroic you are.
6. Look over his shoulder during a house project and say, "That's not how my Dad does it..."
It clearly wasn't hard enough to woo you, ask your Dad for your hand in marriage, and live up to your father's perfect patriarchal reputation. You must remind him that things were done RIGHT in your nuclear family, and he'd best be following suit. He'll be so grateful you showed him a better way.
7. Wear sexy clothes without any intention of nighttime romance.
This one is so much fun. Put on something pretty and strut around, asking if you look nice. He'll get all excited and then retire to the bedroom early with a "headache". You'll win irritating wife of the year award. I personally have NEVER done this one, so I'm only speaking on my research with other wives.
8. Record him snoring and put it on YouTube.
Better yet, make a whole YouTube channel dedicated to the marvelous antics of your husband. You can record him farting, yelling, scratching himself during the football game, etc. The possibilities are endless.
9. Put him in charge of date night after a long lecture about how you want him to "do more" for you two as a couple, and then change everything at the last minute because it wasn't exactly what you wanted.
This will get your getaway off on the right foot. First you'll lecture him, then emasculate him. He'll feel so amazing and incredible after all that hard work and initiation that you threw out the window cause it just wasn't quite right.
10. Give him charge of the kids because you're exhausted and then bark orders from the bedroom.
You know how exhausting it is to be a full-time mom. He's away at work, so when he comes home, you say, "I NEED A BREAK! YOU TAKE THE KIDS!" You stomp upstairs to your room and listen as he commands control of the house. Inevitably (and usually in record time), he makes a decision you aren't happy with and you either yell your objection directly from the bedroom or come downstairs and give him that crucial "new" piece of information that will clearly change his mind.
How did you score?
So, how did you do?
How many of these items can you check off the list? Here's a score card in case you're into that sort of thing.
0 - 2 You are a sweet Leave it To Beaver wife, full of Mary Poppins bliss and innocence. Good for you, now go sport your goody two-shoo attitude somewhere else.
3 - 6 Well you are on your way to becoming the annoying wife of the year. Keep it up and you'll have it down in no time flat.
7 - 10 You should be writing your own article on how to become your husband's best story around the poker table. "You have no idea how annoying Suzy is. The other day..." Get to it. Write an article so we can all learn from the best.