I know many of you are thinking, "I don't need an article on how to annoy my husband!" Well perhaps you don't, but you are going to read it anyway- just to see if you are in the category of an "irritating spouse"! Just go ahead and try not to read it. It won't work. You can't help but want to see if you will walk away from the computer screen feeling like a proud trophy wife, or slumping in your chair in recognition that you too can go down in the hall of Annoying Wife Of Shame.
For me, the art of annoying my husband comes quite naturally. I have so much experience and wisdom in this area, I think it might just become my online writing niche. I figured I owe it to the world and my gracious husband, to share with wives everywhere- how to successfully irritate the crap out of your husband.
1. Be master of the obvious.
This is so much fun. He's in the kitchen pouring drinks for the kids and you say, "make sure you add ice." He gets in the car and you remind him to put his seatbelt on. The more you treat him like a kid, the more annoyed he will get. Pretend he doesn't have any brains at all, and infer that he'd lose his head if it wasn't attached.
2. Get a credit card or check design of Tinkerbell.
Long ago, when I used to handle the finances, I thought it would be jolly good fun to order our Disney Visa cards with a cute design. I liked Tinkerbell, so I ordered two. Every time Andrew whipped out his card during a business trip or errand, he'd either get a strange look or, "Oh what a cute credit card!" He's reminded daily of his little wife at home and her sweet innocent face when she said, "Oh dear, I didn't realize that card would get you made fun of!" (Snort). Just for the record, when the card expired, I upgraded him to Nemo. Okay, it's not much better, but it's still fun to watch him stutter when the cashier comments on his card. It takes just enough swag out of his step should he be tempted to be Mr. Nice Guy at a bar.
3. Sew his clothes together when he refuses to put his laundry away.
It drives me bonkers when I take the time to wash, dry, and fold his clothes- only to see them sit on top of his dresser for months. Don't think I thought to put them away for him. Oh no, instead- I took a needle and thread and sewed those suckers together. When he woke up to grab a new pair of boxers, he pulled the whole pile off the dresser and I watched him try to wrestle his underwear out of the pile. Oops.
4. Make him answer questions that have no right answer.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"
"Do you think the new neighbor's wife is pretty?"
Ask him questions that he'll not be able to answer quickly, then accuse him of lying because it took him so long to think of an answer. It'll annoy him, I promise.
5. Every time he gets hurt, mutter not-so-quietly, "Oh yeah? Try pushing a baby out of your whooha!"
Comparing every injury to labor will annoy him to death. He knows you're superwoman for growing a child that's way too big for your nether regions, but you can use every major and minor affliction to gently help him remember just how amazing and heroic you are.
6. Look over his shoulder during a house project and say, "That's not how my Dad does it..."
It clearly wasn't hard enough to woo you, ask your Dad for your hand in marriage, and live up to your father's perfect patriarchal reputation. You must remind him that things were done RIGHT in your nuclear family, and he'd best be following suit. He'll be so grateful you showed him a better way.
7. Wear sexy clothes without any intention of nighttime romance.
This one is so much fun. Put on something pretty and strut around, asking if you look nice. He'll get all excited and then retire to the bedroom early with a "headache". You'll win irritating wife of the year award. I personally have NEVER done this one, so I'm only speaking on my research with other wives.
8. Record him snoring and put it on YouTube.
Better yet, make a whole YouTube channel dedicated to the marvelous antics of your husband. You can record him farting, yelling, scratching himself during the football game, etc. The possibilities are endless.
9. Put him in charge of date night after a long lecture about how you want him to "do more" for you two as a couple, and then change everything at the last minute because it wasn't exactly what you wanted.
This will get your getaway off on the right foot. First you'll lecture him, then emasculate him. He'll feel so amazing and incredible after all that hard work and initiation that you threw out the window cause it just wasn't quite right.
10. Give him charge of the kids because you're exhausted and then bark orders from the bedroom.
You know how exhausting it is to be a full-time mom. He's away at work, so when he comes home, you say, "I NEED A BREAK! YOU TAKE THE KIDS!" You stomp upstairs to your room and listen as he commands control of the house. Inevitably (and usually in record time), he makes a decision you aren't happy with and you either yell your objection directly from the bedroom or come downstairs and give him that crucial "new" piece of information that will clearly change his mind.
So, how did you do?
How many of these items can you check off the list? Here's a score card in case you're into that sort of thing.
0 - 2 You are a sweet Leave it To Beaver wife, full of Mary Poppins bliss and innocence. Good for you, now go sport your goody two-shoo attitude somewhere else.
3 - 6 Well you are on your way to becoming the annoying wife of the year. Keep it up and you'll have it down in no time flat.
7 - 10 You should be writing your own article on how to become your husband's best story around the poker table. "You have no idea how annoying Suzy is. The other day..." Get to it. Write an article so we can all learn from the best.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Jim Henderson from Hattiesburg, Mississippi on April 25, 2020:
Love this. Great writing. You may have actually discovered some ways to annoy a husband that my wife has not as yet. She prefers the 'blunt force trauma' approach but reverts to more subtle tactics when I hunker down.
I was hooked the moment I scanned the title and the remainder of the article delivered! This was very well written and I am both comforted and distressed at knowing this is a universal affliction. I too am subjected to Captain Obvious -which leads me to ponder if this isn't somehow genetically coded into the female DNA?
I applaud your husband and have nominated him for sainthood; meanwhile you are an entertaining writer! By the way, for my safety and well-being -and that of other innocent husbands who may suffer the same fate- I have taken steps to hide your article where my wife can not find it. Ever!
Cedar on December 07, 2019:
Switch the genders on the first few and this is how hubby treats me. Thanks Captain Obvious, but I actually can walk and chew gum simultaneously.
Bam bam on June 22, 2019:
You're messed up. It's hard enough to get laid by your wife and you're putting this crap out there.
Sakura on March 27, 2019:
I can annoy my husband effortless without doing saying anything at all I know most people won't believe it but I think it's God gifted
Lindsay on June 30, 2015:
These are horrible. Just horrible. Do you love or respect your husband at all?? It's crazy, if you turned the gender roles around in this "article", it would be viewed as mentally abusive, and degrading. He's a man, you supposedly love. And apparently he puts up with a lot of your bullshit. You should be more respectful of your relationship, and recognize the difference between abuse and humor. It goes both ways, honey. Wake up.
riddick on April 12, 2014:
If you do any of these you are just a truly horrible person and should be ashamed of yourself for your petty, spoilt actions and your obviously hollow, sad little life.
Amy Magness Alaoui from United States of America on December 08, 2013:
So, I did number 8. I needed proof. OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Mahaveer Sanglikar from Pune, India on August 05, 2012:
Funny and interesting.
Blurter of Indiscretions (author) from Clinton CT on July 22, 2012:
@TTombs08 But of course!! LOL :)
Terrye Toombs from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map. on July 22, 2012:
Most awesome hub! I added a link to this hub in my "The Best Ways to Annoy Your Spouse Without Breaking A Sweat." Hope you don't mind!
Jasmine on July 18, 2012:
Funny post! I'm full of Mary Poppins bliss and innocence so I'm going to sport my goody two-shoo attitude somewhere else now LOL
Blurter of Indiscretions (author) from Clinton CT on July 17, 2012:
@cracknutcase- thank you! :) I like caps when it's happy!
Cracknutcase from India,bangalore on July 17, 2012:
OMG!!! This is AWESOME! (Sorry I can't keep my hands off the Caps button) Your hub has me rolling on the floor with laughter.
Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on July 16, 2012:
What a great laugh you have! Loved the video and your list. It looks like you have a great family; thanks for sharing them with us in that video.
Rosa Marchisella from Canada on July 15, 2012:
Nicely done :-)
Cristale Adams from Florida on July 15, 2012:
Thank you for the wonderful tips I can use on my husband. I am sure he is thankful for them also :)
Richard Ricky Hale from West Virginia on July 14, 2012:
Women are straight up sneaks. My wife would love this page. She already is good at it anyway. It is great to read this because I can now counter attack. Cool article Julie. I already feel bad for your hubby:(
Mary from From the land of Chocolate Chips,and all other things sweet. on July 14, 2012:
Lol the drink the last beer one gets them every time my husband gets so mad,great hub voted up.
Martin Kloess from San Francisco on July 13, 2012:
now that you revealed these secrets can you safely go shopping? :))
catgypsy from the South on July 13, 2012:
Hilarious, Julie! I especially liked the first one and also the Tinkerbell credit card. The best laugh I've had all day!
Blurter of Indiscretions (author) from Clinton CT on July 13, 2012:
I'll bet we could add LOTS more...I'm already starting research for a hub about the reverse. Just you wait boys!
WD Curry 111 from Space Coast on July 13, 2012:
You forgot one . . . drink his last beer. Oops, I shouldn't be helping the other side.
Thanks for the laugh!
Joshua Zerbini from Pennsylvania on July 13, 2012:
This hub was awesome! I was cracking up the whole way through! I loved this line especially..."It takes just enough swag out of his step should he be tempted to be Mr. Nice Guy at a bar." You have done great with this hub for sure! I wasn't bored one bit! And the video, your kids are so cute, thanks for sharing!
P.S. So, what does your husband think of this hub, or has he not seen it yet? :) Awesome job Julie!
TommyGuns from Blakeslee, PA on July 13, 2012:
Thank you for preparing me to be MORE annoying to my wife when she tries to annoy me. Great Hub!