How to Understand and Feel What Someone Else Is Feeling
How often do you really understand the feelings and emotions of others so that you can appreciate where they are "coming from" with what they do or say?
Getting in touch with the feelings of others may be difficult if we don't feel the same emotions that they are feeling. We end up having no empathy because we're missing what's really going on for them.
We need to have some way to get in touch with their feelings. I'll show you how this can be done with a method that I use.
How To Have the Ability to Feel What Someone Else Is Feeling
A common method is to pay attention to body language. However, that doesn't always work well. There is an additional trick that I discovered: Cloning One's Posture.
Cloning One's Posture
When you use this method with someone, you'll suddenly have more compassion for them and you'll understand their emotional feelings.
In order to fully understand what's going on for another person, you need to grasp their emotions as you listen to them talk.
The feelings and emotions of another person can be detected and felt with startling realism with this method. Hold yourself in the same position as the other person. For example:
- Try making the same facial expression
- Hold your shoulders the same.
- Lean similarly as they are leaning.
What I mean by this is to actually clone everything about their posture and carrying out their mannerisms. When you do all this, you'll find that you can actually experience their mood, their temper, and their frame of mind. You will feel all this yourself, and you will understand where they are coming from a lot better.
So pay attention to their facial expression. Try to imitate it. You'll immediately feel something different, possibly in line with what they are feeling.
The shoulders tend to hold a lot of stress. So notice how they are holding their shoulders and immediate that. If they slouch, then do the same. Lean in or out similarly to how they are leaning. All this will reproduce the feeling of their stress level in your own mind.
I think this works so well because it puts us in the same physical state that they ended up in, due to the various stimuli of their environment. So we are doing it in reverse. Rather than having the same stimuli affect us, we are putting our body in the same mold, and thus we can feel the same feelings.
Seeing Things from Another Person's Perspective
There is more that can be learned from observing how the other person is holding their body. For example, if they tend to face away, or turn their entire body facing sideways, they may be having a feeling of flight—the desire the get away.
Their hands tell a lot too. Whatever is going on in their thoughts may be communicated though the way their hands are held. If they are angry they may be holding their hands tightly in a clenched fist. Cupping or holding the hands can indicate that they are confused and trying hard to understand.
If they are relaxed, they may just let their hands hang on their sides or in their pockets. Pocketed hands are a meaningless position, however. Many men do that just because it's a comfortable way to stand.
There is nothing more gratifying than having someone really understand the meaning of what's being said.
With many social interactions, we often tend to know very little about one another. We miss out on the innermost feelings one may have. But effective communication requires understanding the feelings behind what one is saying.
When we are having a conversation with someone, we can usually be sure that the words are carefully selected to filter the emotions and the feelings of the speaker.
Effective communication requires understanding the true meaning of what someone is saying, along with grasping the feelings behind it.
Cloning the other person's posture creates the ability to do that.
Examples of Physical Communication
Meaning That Can Noticed
Despite cultural differences, hands can illustrate thoughts (see table below).
Despite upbringing and gender differences, leg positions can indicate comfort, disinterest or insecurity.
Non-verbal Communication Through the Hands
Hands in Pockets
Active Listening Skills
There is one final thought dealing with understanding another person, and that has to do with how we react while we are the listener.
When we are in a conversation with another person and the other person is talking, are we really listening? Or are we reacting?
So that we can really know what the other person is all about, we need to know what is going on for us as well. We need to know how we react to the thoughts and feelings that are being expressed.
To explain what I mean, think back to a time when you had a strong feeling about something that someone was telling you. How ere you reacting?
- Were you reacting to his or her feelings?
- Or were you reacting to your own feelings about the subject?
It’s possible that we respond to things based on our own feelings. So if we truly want to understand, we have to put a great amount of effort into understanding by viewing the world from their perspective and observing their body language.
Then we need to include one important thing. We need to confirm what we understood. We can do this by rephrasing what we heard and saying it back to them. Then get a confirmation that we "got it." This will validate our desire to understand what is being said. It will show that their feelings are important to us.
Psychologist Carl Rogers1 described the process of “active listening” whereby the listener reflects back what has been heard until there is a mutual agreement between the listener and the speaker.
If you are not sure you understood something, just ask. If you are not getting it, say so.
He or she should be pleased that you are trying to understand better. If they really want to be understood then they should not be intimidated by your extra effort. You will be creating the opportunity to communicate better and with the least amount of misunderstanding.
We can make a worthy attempt at getting closer to the correct meaning of what is the other person is trying to tell us by keeping in mind how we are reacting to the situation.
Experiencing their feelings by physically positioning ourselves similarly to their posture will help us understand them on a deeper level.
I find these methods to be the most powerful trick with understanding someone well. Try what I explained above yourself someday. It may open a whole new world of understanding people. You'll come across as more respectful, and they will never realize how you are achieving it.
1. Carl R Rogers (1957), Active Listening, (ASIN: B0007FAIPA), Industrial Relations Center, The University of Chicago
© 2009 Glenn Stok