I used to be an arrogant nagger. I loved to fight with my wife mercilessly. But then, the tables turned.
As I write this, I’m worried my wife is broken. Our relationship is in great peril because of the things that I have done to her since the start of our marriage.
You see, I used to be one of those men who always enjoyed pointing out faults in others. I just couldn’t help it; my mind was on autopilot. It became an instinct, an instant reaction to something someone else said. All I saw was people’s imperfections. My remarks were often cunningly sarcastic, blunt, and venomous. I took pride in my sharp intelligence and deep insight into everyone's "stupidity." It was part of my identity. It had become so ingrained in my personality that it was difficult for me to stop doing it: I found such perverse pleasure in acting that way towards others, it became too intoxicating.
Why Is My Wife Always Angry?
After going through all of these difficulties with my wife, I realized there were a couple of big reasons that she became angry with me as a result of my actions.
- Under-Appreciated: I never complimented my wife or made her feel special, all I did was push her away. Treating her like this only drove her farther away from me, and it made her feel unappreciated in the relationship. I didn't treat her with the respect she deserved.
- Being Taken Advantage of: I used my wife as an emotional crutch, and I threw all of my problems on her. I took advantage of our emotional intimacy and lashed out at her, making her feel like she was the cause of the problems in our marriage.
- Being Controlled: My wife felt like she had no say in the relationship, so she felt helpless and powerless to make decisions. She knew that I would say harsh things to her if she went against my desires. I felt that by lashing out at her and pushing her buttons, that gave me more power and control in the relationship, which was wrong.
- Ignored: Throughout all of this, I ignored the emotional needs of my wife, I refused to listen to her and instead berated her for speaking out. I realize now that doing something like that made her feel ignored and it only served to cause a greater rift to form between us.
How I Ruined My Wife
When I first met my wife, she struck me as the most gentle and kind lady I had ever met. Her feminine and soft qualities were intoxicating to my deep-rooted cynicism and amour-propre. It was a perfect case of “opposites attract.”
Even though I was a bit of a jerk with my smart-ass arguments, she fell for my otherwise joyful nature and my good sense of humor. All was fine and dandy for a couple of years, but then things started changing.
I don’t know if you experienced this, but there seems to be some universal curse about this type of thing happening eventually. Some of the things that you initially adore about your partner tend to transform into irritants that drive you absolutely mad years later. Isn’t it funny how this happens? The very qualities that made you fall in love end up being the ones that make you fall out of love.
Anyway, I had my own skeletons in the closet. Little did my wife know that my mood could flip faster than a switch. If my wife managed to push my proverbial buttons, I would lash out at her with the utmost insolence. I mean I would furiously bulldoze her "arguments" using the most sensitive aspects of her psyche. This was something that I instinctually started doing to my wife whenever we would get into arguments, even though I would feel terrible about it afterward.
Often, that experience would leave both of us incredibly shaken. It was an awful, embarrassing, and cowardly way to deal with personal arguments. Possibly, I will regret it for the rest of my life.
I Tried Changing My Attitude to Be More Positive
God only knows why she spent those years with me so I can only speculate. Could it be that her love was stronger than my poison? Could it be that she was too attached and too insecure to make the right decision? Or perhaps there was a case of a victim mentality subconsciously feeding off of the aggressor in me? Perhaps there's no clear answer, and perhaps there's a bit of everything.
Things began changing when I started having an existential crisis at age twenty-eight. I started reading a lot about the nature of mind, after death experiences, and so on. As my knowledge and understanding grew so did my questions about more profound aspects of life. Spiritual literature from Eastern Philosophy turned into lessons of unrivaled psychology. My worldview changed and my newly acquired insights inspired me to learn meditation. It was the start of a process of refocusing my energies into a more positive direction.
Three or four years passed and without even noticing I started treating people, including my wife, very differently. As I slowly learned to manage my energies and my mind, I became more tolerant, patient, and relaxed. My fiery temperament and arrogance were melting away and being replaced by the sheer joy of newly-found skills of self-control.
I thought to myself, “Finally, my life and relationships will only improve from now on.” Little did I know the damage I caused in the past will come back to haunt me when I least expected it. As my demeanor was changing from a prideful lion into a domesticated cat, my wife’s emotional wounds were only starting to grow some monstrous fangs.
The Damage Was Already Done
My wife was more and more irritable, nagging and unhappy. She would unwittingly use my exact same verbiage and tactics from the past to punch me below the waistline. Having fully realized my spiritual ambitions, she knew she could wage a full out verbal assault. She knew I would no longer retaliate, so she was free to slowly and painfully exact her revenge.
It was mean stuff. Even she admitted to being baffled as to the source of her demeanor, but that didn’t stop her from further driving a wedge between us. She knew it was a mistake, but she couldn’t help it, the cyclonic forces within her were too strong. Much like I use to be, my wife had fallen prey to the intoxicating high of lashing out and putting someone down. After years of having the same thing done to her, she couldn't help herself but turn the tables on me.
One day, following an honest retrospection, it hit me: my wife has turned into me from years ago. I am the true architect of this walking Frankenstein that I could no longer recognize or relate to.
We’ve had many healing conversations since but we've come to realize that words leave the deepest scars. Our baby daughter has brought us closer, but I feel some of our ill habits remain.
I must give my wife more credit because obviously, she is more tired due to her demanding schedule of being a mom. She has even less time for her own mental health, but I know she’ll come around, especially if I accept the burden of my own creation and keep cool. It is hard work, and I wish healing for both of us were a faster process, but it is what it is. We must face it and live with it.
I would like to encourage all men to do everything in their power not to make my mistakes. But most importantly, I invite you all to be patient with your ladies when they turn into you years later. Many times their behavior is nothing but a reflection of our own previous actions. They deserve to be loved and forgiven now more than ever.
How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship
After this experience with my wife, I realized the need to maintain a healthy relationship. Here are some steps that I have found helpful.
- Admit Your Faults: It's totally ok to admit to your spouse that you were wrong and that you acted inappropriately. None of us are perfect, so you have to own up to your mistakes.
- Accept Responsibility: You control your actions and your reactions, so you have to be aware of the responsibilities you have in accepting those. Understand what is causing you problems and deal with it.
- Respect Your Spouse: This is critical, you have to respect your spouse for who they are as a person, and accept the fact that you are two different people who may have disagreements.
- Fight the Right Way: Disagreements happen in relationships, the important thing to do is to focus on resolving the issue and not letting the argument get petty. Don't go seeking vengeance or trying to bring the other person down.
Can My Marriage Be Saved?
If you are willing to work together with your spouse to figure out a way to fix your problems your marriage can be saved. There are a few things to keep in mind when doing this.
- Respectfully Listen: It is critical that you understand where your spouse is coming from and that you make an attempt to actively listen to what they are saying.
- Be Open to New Ideas: Sometimes you realize that the way you were going about things is not the correct way to deal with the situation. Keep an open mind to new ways of working through conflicts with your spouse and accept that you may be in the wrong at certain times.
- Prioritize Your Marriage: If you are trying to save your marriage, then you have to prioritize time during the week to work out your issues. This can involve going to marriage counseling or trying to just work through your issues between the two of you.
- Be Patient: It will take some time to fix your marriage, so don't expect that after a few counseling sessions or a few weeks of working on your marital issues that everything will be resolved. It may take a significant amount of time to work out your problems.
Are You Having Trouble?
Let me know if this ever happened to you and how you are managing it the comments section. Also, if you have any advice or criticism for me I'll be happy to hear it.
Men's Secret Poll
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2013 Mateus Brava
lost soul on September 08, 2020:
i lost my wife after 20 years of marriage always fighting i cant take any more i left but this is that 3 time i cant do it any more i have 2 kids one is 20 and that other 16 it hurt like hell but i have to move forward
A wife on August 29, 2020:
To all the men reading this and empathising with the man who posted it in the first place. GROW UP. You are responsible for your actions. If you belittle and crush your loving wife, you do not deserve a loving wife. YOU have done this, not your wives. YOU. Take responsibility for your actions. This is NOT love. This is contemptuous power play. It is toxic masculinity. It is a way of projecting your own powerlessness, your own self-loathing and perception of your failed masculinity onto another human. You do not deserve a loving wife until you sort out your own problems.
B. Shaikh on August 25, 2020:
Seems like a copy-paste of my and my husband's case. He uses to be very controlling , insensitive & abusive for d first many years of our married life. And I'd be shocked/scared by his tantrums.Till I put my foot down & became equally (if not more abusive). And then if he wud start any tantrum, instead of tolerating it, I would throw a 'bigger' tantrum.
Also, due to so many years of his mad behavior, I have lost much of d respect & affection/attraction that I had for him & I care too hoots now if he leaves me (or more probably I leave him). Thankfully, he has realized his fall from grace in my eyes & this has made him much more considerate, controlled & 'human' than he was earlier.
Plain regular lady on August 15, 2020:
Your post at the end was just as narcissistic and arrogant as the beginning. You continue to blame your wife for your issues and smugly asssert she has "turned into the old me" . How wonderful and enlightened you are! It must be difficult to.be so perfect in the midst of such mendacity. Yecch. You are indeed doomed - she will leave you and good for her!
Gus on July 31, 2020:
I think the fact that the main heading is "how I ruined my wife" and the entire theme is how one spouse's actions created a monster of the other spouse really discounts the other spouse as a person and individual deserving of love and respect.
How about "how I ruined my marriage" instead?
How about talking about what the other spouse was going through to prompt the nasty remarks?
This whole article established that the writer is only analyzing things through his perspective and has not once stopped to consider things from his spouse's perspective.
Admitting fault and recognizing bad habits is great, but the writer has clearly learned nothing about what it takes to have a healthy relationship so long as the focus remains on the writer.
Bongani on July 12, 2020:
My story has similarities to your story, but i really need to speak to you via voice call. Can we WhatsApp call ?
Whitney on June 08, 2020:
To Mateus, please share the ideology that has made you so peaceful and positive. I think we all would like to know
Diana on May 29, 2020:
Let your wife go find someone new. She’s only going to resent you more and more each day. If she’s scared of leaving, give her what she needs to start over with. Point is... You broke her bc of your own selfish behavior. You took someones life and destroyed who they are. You striped her of happiness. You put her through emotional abandonment while you were supposed to be her partner. She had to deal with not being able to find comfort in the person who was supposed to comfort and support her. You isolated her emotions. You devalued her as a human being. She has one life to live and you’ve already taken enough of her time. Let her go on her own life journey and find clarity in her mind, body and soul. Don’t be anymore selfish then you have been by keeping her around. She deserves the freedom to heal.
Jen on April 28, 2020:
I used to be happy i was always so happy that nothing could really make me sad. Fell in love with my husband and it was fine for a while but he just keeps getting worse and worse with his insults and I can’t take it anymore I’m no longer this happy Person that I used to be I cry often I try to talk to him and he don’t want to hear it even going as far as to laugh at me. I love him he just can’t seem to stop and listen for even a minute. I feel helpless and alone. I don’t know what to do.
Shawna on April 21, 2020:
Thanks for sharing your story. Now if my husband would read it and see the similarities in our marriage. Everything you said about the way you were and how you treated your wife is the exact same way my husband is treating me. We haven't been married two years yet, but this started before we married on a small scale. I believed that unconditional love could kill that demonic spirit in him, but now I see myself turning into him. I refuse to be that way. I'm so hurt and don't know whether to just leave or what. Counseling is not an option for him because he doesn't see anything wrong with him it's just me. He believes he is a counselor for everyone. Even to his teachers at the college he attends. Ridiculous, he has never listens to anyone but always wants to give advice or see everyone else's wrongs, then never excepts what he does to cause any problem. Everyone else is supposed to accept where they're wrong in being angry, but he doesn't except fault in causing the anger in the first place. Every disagreement is turned around to the others fault. I'm tired and I thank God neither of us have kids. I love him and understand he has been hurt and divorced twice, but that's not my fault not should I have to go through him hurting me emotionally because others hurt him. We all go through pain and heartbreak.. No excuse for giving that pain to someone else who genuinely loves you and has endured storms with you for the last 6 yrs. We've known each other for over 25 yrs. Dating twice in our lifetime and recently married. I wonder sometimes if I made a mistake in getting married. I feel like we're falling completely apart. I don't believe in divorcing I made a vow to the Most high God, and will not break it but I don't want to continue living like this...
No on April 06, 2020:
As fast as you can and as far away as possible from a Narcissist.
It's a situation that cannot be solved.
I hope he sees this some day on March 18, 2020:
I genuinely feel like he can be a good person some days but he has narcissism in his blood that he inherited from his father and others before him.
He has treated me like shit from the beginning-constantly belittles me and makes me feel like I’m always in the wrong.
Today was his birthday. We had found out some bad news and I just tried my best to make him feel special. I told him how I feel about him throughout the day and brought him home some ice cream and a card I had made with a picture of him and our daughter. I wrote inside saying how much I truly appreciate him and care about him. Nothing major but just simple gestures that I showed to try to make him feel special.
We are sitting at dinner and he makes a comment with slight sarcasm (not unusual) so I try to joke at myself to “make light” of the situation and move on to avoid confrontation. I glance at him and he’s glaring at me. I say “what?” Then he says “don’t talk to me like that on my birthday”
So it’s his birthday and he’s allowed to be an asshole to me all he wants? I’m not allowed to make a joke at myself? This is how it is constantly in our relationship. I’m always the one who’s screwing up.
One minute I’m not making enough money
The next minute I’m being told I’m “selfish” for working too much?
I’m so grateful for my little girl and unborn child but he is truly sick and I secretly think he knows he doesn’t deserve me and treats me like hell because deep down he feels awful about himself. He takes no responsibility for anything he’s done and someday it will really bite him in the rear. I pray to God so much to keep me from being bitter and angry but I can’t hardly help myself. It’s so hard to sit back and let this continue to happen. I don’t believe in divorce but I don’t like being his door mat. I just pray he learns before things get worse for him.
And they will.
Kirill on February 23, 2020:
I would like to propose that nobody created a monster, there is simply a balance of power here. Humans are alway vying for power, relationships as well. In the beginning of the relationship there is nothing at stake, so there is nothing to fight over, but as relationships grow, time, money, and manpower ( or womanpower) becomes an increasingly finite resource. This trend is exacerbated with kids, as chores increase and both time and money becomes even more scarce it then becomes a zero sum game. Each partner will appeal to the other of their efforts unless they are made to feal that they themselves are not doing enough. When it comes to struggles for power, with humans, all bets are off. I have yet to see, in my 35 year lifetime, a truly enlightened family that doesn't experience this power dynamic. I would like to believe that I was that enlightened individual but I'm probably just kidding myself. Eventually things settle down though. Once the kids get older and move out, the couple is comfortable, working, living, everyone got their slice of the pie and are happy with it, then the pendulum of power doesn't swing so violently, the balance of power is steady. Of course everyone's different, and it plays out differently, but the basic principle is there.
So if your husband or wife is yelling at you, don't just take it, but meet force with equal force, but also be cunning. Don't let a cold war become hot, don't drop the bomb. If lines are crossed and you care about that sort of thing then let it be known that there are consequences for crossing those lines. People are less likely to be belligerent if they know they will be met with force. Between two people, truth is highly subjective, and each of you will be trying to advance your version of the truth. I went into my relationship believing in the latter standard of the double standard model of society, the Disney version. It took me several years, but I finally cut through the bullshit. Even though we fight, sometimes like crazy, I never lose myself or feel powerless, and neither does she. And I really think it takes a keen mind to wage a battle like this. I think it makes both of us sharper as well. It certainly has improved me in many ways. I have become more patient and yet more assertive, more aware and awake. Yes it can be stressful, but not so much if you see it for what it truly is, and again I really do think it takes a keen mind to do that skillfully.
One line that I draw is arguing in front of the kids. There are ways to enforce that line but it's not turning the other cheek in front of the kids, the exact opposite. I tried it with the cheek and it just made it worse, it made it so she would cross the line every time. Instead, I meet her with force. And we still argue in front of the kids but it's like 50% less. And my kids actually end up being more scared of me, which is bad in the momen, but better to be feared and loved rather than just loved. In life one must be challenged, otherwise we grow soft. Unchallenged views of one's self or the world must constantly be challenged. My wife is constantly challenging my ego and I hers.
So yeah, many people feel trapped because of this, but such as life. Such as nature of our world. We all want to put up a front like nothing is wrong, like cool ducks in a pristine pond, but under the surface we're all paddling like hell. Good luck.
Tony on February 12, 2020:
Thanks you putting into words what I am feeling. I am the husband here. I am really rude to my wife and don’t like how I deal and look at her actions. I am sarcastic or trying to find fault. Like you said the wife get the husbands behaviour I think I got it from my father. He was rude and sarcastic all my life expecially my teen years. I never get along with my father. He have that behaviour like he say something rude and then act like nothing happened. Thanks for your advice. I wish there is something that will remind me of my behaviour before it gets to this point when dealing with wife. I don’t want my kids to be like this. I need to change thanks for the article I wish u all the best.
scott on January 24, 2020:
iv'e done this to my wife for many years, now she left me. trying hard to get her back but bad damage was done. she wants to move on and i asked her for 4 months so i can change, 4 months out of 20 years is not much to ask for in trying to mend my relationship. you really dont know what you have till its gone. i love her alot, any advise?
Dani J. on January 23, 2020:
I feel my marriage has/is going thru this. I admire your honesty in this article. And willingly able to write and help other married couples. I have been married 15yrs and feel beyond emotionally drained. Like I have lost myself. My husband has done just as you described. I love him so much. But I feel like I am drowning in life. And have lost who I am. We have six children together. Leaving I feel is never an option. I just pray I can find a way to cope and be happy with myself. Because I always feel alone. I for sure dont feel as if I have my best friend any longer. But I miss him.
Oscar Pears on January 05, 2020:
A really good and honest piece of writing. I admire your present humility. The journey you have taken is a road i have just set out on.
We live in a weird world of weird values when nastiness is considered clever.
I recently read an excellent book by the British writer, Aldous Huxley: Eyeless in Gaza", he charts a similar journey.
Thank you for taking the time to share and much joy and happiness for 2020.
Sara on December 30, 2019:
I am the girlfriend of a 7 year relationship of exactly this. I learned this nasty behaviour from years of enduring it from him. Now as he is mellowing from an asshole in his 20s to almost an adult in his mid 30s, ive had enough and now use the tactics he used on me, but not on purpose, only after i realize. I have mentioned this to him during times of peace, but i dont seem to get anywhere sharing my self realizations.
I hate every second of this. Sometimes one of us reaches out to try and bury the hatchet, but it seems always out of sync. He still has the attitude of always having to be right, and i cant stand being bullied and walked on all the time anymore. Peace lasts for 2 or 3 days tops. Two stubborn people and now ive turned nasty and bitter. Hate myself for what ive turned into. I feel broken.
Love hurts. The person whom you love the most, can hurt the most. What i wish for is a truce, and a comforting embrace.
If this sounds at all similar to you, i beg you to try, not once, but a solid couple of times in a row, just give her a fucking hug, and stop having to be right all the time. Being this broken person is tiring, and the person i want support from is the person that caused it.
YWen from Californian on December 30, 2019:
The damage is done. You're right about that and my husband dont acknowledge that this is part of his doing. My heart is very tired, i pick myself up many times, tell myself to keep going for the sake of my child. I learn to stood my ground and he dont like it. I cant go on pretending it's ok to be mistreated with this emotional game. When he bashed on me, he will blame on me for it. Coz it's easier to "escape" the truth that he is at the wrong. Then, he pretends nothing happens and expects me to be ok. I dont. I dont feel ok. I dont like this.
Em on November 21, 2019:
Probably labelling your wife as a walking Frankenstein's Monster doesn't help. She's exhausted for heaven's sake. Drilling into details of her flaws is not going to help.
Lift each other up, be happy, be content with who you are and who you married and where you are in life.
Mark on October 31, 2019:
The start of this article describes mine and my wifes relationship. How did you change. Would you let me know some more details?
Mandy on October 22, 2019:
Can you give me a list of the books you read.
Dustin on October 15, 2019:
If you live your life for your wife then it will fulfill you more than anything else in life. If you don't, you will leave nothing behind in your death that people will remember you for.
Tom on October 10, 2019:
I am very close to losing my wife for good because I am did the exact same things that you did. I have hurt her so bad and she has tried several times to tell me and I wouldn't listen. I am finally going to seek help and fix my anger issues and I am hoping it is not too late. Do you have any advice for me?
Someone on September 22, 2019:
I am so tired of my boyfriend. He’s constantly ridiculed, criticized and abused me. Lied to me, abused and betrayed my trust emotionally and sexually. Calling me out of my name. Always threatening to break up or telling me that there are other people. Yet, still claiming to love me while doing all of this. Sometimes, I wish I never met him. I’m angry, upset, hurt, and bitter all the time. It’s like we swapped places from me being the calm one to him now being that.
I wouldn’t wish this experience on my worst enemy. My trust is just gone and I feel broken. Tired of being blamed for his lies and reasons for stepping out on our relationship.
Stacie on September 11, 2019:
I am having a very hard time with my husband hes does all of those things everyday. He has major issues with his mother. I have been with him 15 years and raised 3 of his children and had three with him. His childrens mother was an addict who left them at daycare one day and never came back. I loved them as my own, i had a stepfather who was horrid to me and vowed as a child i would never be like that. And so i loved them and was a mother to them. But my husband refuses to be a father always has. He thinks its my sole responsibility to raise everyone of them on my own while he works and sleeps and thats it. Whenever any of them do anything wrong he screams at me sometimes beats me over it. I tell him im struggling to raise the teenage boys and i need his help just talk to them. But he insists thats ludicrous and its because im a horrible lazy mother. I do absolutly everything for all of them. I often feel like a single mother. I feel very alone he only criticizes me. My oldest daughter (his) is my best friend she just moved out as she turned 19 to get away from him. I have had a spiritual awakening through all this and through my isolation and feeling alone have found deep comfort in tarot as i have no adults to talk to. Sometimes i go weeks without having anyone to speak to other than my husband who berates my every thought, has no respect for religion or women. He has told me before he will kill me and choked me until i passed out. I do not know how i still love him, and if ever he could be loving and supportive i would be in heaven. But ive recently given up hope. I cant believe i have kept faith that long, it must have been extremly strong. But i now regret my life with him, i look at him as a monster ready to grab me at any moment shall i decide to get comfortable. Thank god he works third shift so i can usually sleep, he has woken me straight up from a deep sleep to beat me and cut off my airway in the past when the abuse was really bad. He has no idea or understanding of how he has hurt me, and what hes done, i sometimes wonder how could u be so oblivious how? But he never broke me. I found god and my strength and im leaving this situation as soon as i can come up with money ( he never allowed me to work my job was the kids and house) six kids and i had the most immaculate house out of everyone i know and he would still tell me im lazy and tell me i didnt do it...i often found myself wondering who he thinks cooked and cleaned and took care of all the kids...ill never understand that deranged way of thinking. And my children and god smile upon me everyday for being a wonderful mother to them which they would not have had otherwise. I regret my life with him, i even regret having children with him at this point but not regretting any of them just him. But i know i will be blessed at some point for my good will. He dont see it but my kids do and god is in the eyes of children. I will recieve my blessings. Ive lost faith in my husband but given it to god, and ive never felt more healed
nameless on September 09, 2019:
I had tears in my eyes reading this article. My husband has no idea that he behaves this way. His behavior not only affects our marriage, but it also affects our friends and his job. I am to the point that I don't tell him anything that is going on in my life. Everything is always good. How is your day " it's good". How was work "it's good". When he ask me those questions he's not looking for an honest answer. He wants to hear good. He doesn't genuinely care about my day or my work. He only cares when it benefits him. If I ever respond with anything other than good we usually get in a fight. I am either stupid or unable to make adult decisions in his eyes. He treats me like I am broken and tells me how to fix everything. The way he looks at me says it all. Sometimes I just want to give up. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I fight with everything in me. Now I have retreated to my corner. He doesn't see the walls I am building around me to protect me from his hurtful comments and his unwelcomed advice. I have tried everything I know to make him understand that he can't speak to people the way he does. Now he sends me to talk to people because that is his way of appeasing me. I don't know why I stay.
Maria Sebi on September 01, 2019:
This is exactly what I am going through. He is always so angry at me. I can do nothing right in his eyes. I feel like I walk on eggshells. I think about everything that comes out of my mouth for fear of being berated. My fear is that my son will turn into this and my daughter will think it acceptable to be treated this way.
We had another blow out recently. I told him he was emotionally abusing me. The next day he packed a bag and went to his friends house for the weekend. My children we're hysterical all day. He saw them.crying. He did not even call to speak to the children. I have been telling him for a few years now that I feel that he is unhappy and hates his life. He shows me constantly. I don't know why I am still here, and crying. I wish I could hate him for doing this to us and just leave.
Rock& Hard Place on August 31, 2019:
I hate to say this but it feels slightly refreshing to not be alone in marriage struggles. I can see areas where i am in need of i provnent . Thank you for your stories. Both the sad and hopeful. by you sharing it might just save a marriage or give someone tge courage to get out of an abusive one
Lilly lu on August 30, 2019:
I have been married for almost 20 years. I am a mirror image of this authors wife. The only exception is that my husband who is now 43, still doesnt comprehend the inconsideration and hurt he causes me. Most of the time I feel like a dog. I am in a loveless marriage. And I can tell you right now, the reason why I am still with him, is not out of love, but because I am broken. My spirit that I once had has dissipated and I have nothing but contempt for everything. I dont even feel good enough to believe that I could find someone better than this, that somehow I deserve this abomination of a marriage. The stress that he has caused me now shows in the way I look and the light in my eyes is gone. I think even if he tried at this point, the amount of damage he caused is not repairable.
Wow@husbands on August 27, 2019:
How honest is this article. Thank you Mateus! Now, if only, we could get more men to read this. Specifically my husband, who is highly argumentative, arrognat, and disrespectful.
I'm in the exact same situation your wife was in. I, too, keep wondering why haven't I moved out yet. It is a mix of love and insecurity (where am I going to go, what am I going to do). I'm turning and have mostly turned into this nasty, rude woman who argued and says things not meant to be spoken.
We've been through such bad fights. No woman with a decent amount of self respect would have stayed in this marriage. Fear and insecurity makes us stupid.
My husband thinks I'm the stupidest woman on planet, and this is when I work for 15 hours a day - home and workplace. He calls me crazy because I am absent minded. He has been verbally and physically abusive because he loses his mind. So, he has all sorts of issues, and the wife is supposed to be the punch bag?!
Anyway, the complaints will never end. How I wish the men were more understanding and respectful. The wounds some times never heal. If you're a husband caught in the same cycle, please take the steps to save your wife and marriage.
Susan on August 22, 2019:
When he states 'youre always, and contsantly' doing xyz negatively, all i hear being shouted at me is 'I hate who you are'. So stop berating me and just go. Ive turned cold to him as a result, I wish he'd just bog off.
Chris on August 13, 2019:
I am going through this exact same scenario and i wish i could go back in time and slap the shit out of myself for turning her into me.
Holly on July 07, 2019:
"Managing Your Wife's Temper" - Good God - how misogynistic is this question? Grown women are not children to be managed. With this as the poll question it is easy to see the problem here, at least.
Dexcleir on June 30, 2019:
I praying my husband will change for good. to be a Godly husband and turning away all his sins.
Oh Deb on June 26, 2019:
After 27+ years and three children I finally had to end it. There were years of lectures, into the wee am mornings, telling me what a horrible person I was. I was told I was selfish and neglected my children - among other things. I never believed any of it, wouldn't let him break me, learned to not allow the lectures to continue. I learned the last part by not engaging in the lectures. Now that has done, and did do, additional damage to the marriage. I just simply stopped communicating with him. I devoted all my time to raising our children and feeling good about myself in spite of what I was being told. Again, I never let myself believe in what he was saying. I know intimately he was threatened with regard to my inner strength and was miserable himself. He had gained an enormous amount of weight - I know he was eating his feelings. After our children had graduated from college (yes, I wanted to end it earlier but it never seemed the right time - h.s. graduation, entering college, midterms, finals, the next year....) I decided I had had enough and wanted to be happy the rest of my life. If that meant being alone, so be it. However, if he hadn't asked the question "Are we going to make it?" I wonder where I would be today. I'm glad he asked the question because I couldn't lie. It was the most difficult question I ever had to answer but I'm glad I did and am happier for it. I have been divorced for over two years now but separated for over three - It was not easy but I am happier now than I have been. Yes, there is still pain - a failed marriage, the pain he suffered, the pain the kids suffered but in the end, I want to be happy my last 30 or so years.
I'm in a new relationship now but find trust and giving up any freedom I have gained is extremely difficult for me. We shall see what the next 30 years brings.
Sharlene on June 23, 2019:
OMG !!! I swear I am listening to a carbon copy of my husband and My marriage. I’m trying to not be bitter now that all our children are grown. I’m not doing all that well
Fs on June 23, 2019:
This resonated with me so much, it made me cry. I know your wifes pain and that is me right now. I feel like i have lost my sanity. Who i am. Who i used to be. I hate who i have become.
I feel like we cant truly change until we really want to be a better person
Anonymous Jim on June 21, 2019:
I am actually on the receiving end of this crap and I have lost my sanity because of it.
My wife suffers from depression, I was and am her emotional crutch, I have grown to resent her to the point where I no longer care about anything.She always picks her family's side in things, but when SHE started a fight with my mother I had to side with her(which got me disowned), she still geels she has no blame in this. When I voice my feelings they are invalidated. I moved to a small town after quiting my job working for a man who physically threatened me and refused to pay me what we agreed. (I worked there for 3 years to support her, and her family that I inherited, her mom and her brother) when this happened I TOLD HER THAT I WILL FIND WORK SOMEWHERE ELSE AS I DO NOT LIKE THE PLACE CAUSE THERE IS NOTHING HERE. She ignored me flat found work for her mother and brother here where I am and stuck me with them. She lives at her work 100km away.
She has stuck me with a crap ton of debt and every so often steals cash from me leaving me incapable of paying said debt. I have gym equipment "I am not allowed to use" because it makes noise and it bother her family, and if I dare budget something for my self I am classified as wasteful.
I am so bloody done, I am just struggling finding work somewhere else, but when I do I am divorcing her and her family. I am DONE. I am at the point where I don't fight I am just hateful and numb. Shoud I stay or should I have gone long ago.
Glen Jen on June 20, 2019:
I am married to my husband for 2 years as soon as we got married his ex-girl friend made means to get him back using their child as an excuse. We were constantly fighting over this ex but it seems as if was not bothering him. At times I could see that he is trying to make the relationship of us better but then again he fall for her. She knows his week points and make use of that to get together with him. Since I could not trust him anymore because he will stay away from home for days and come back home as if nothing happened. I felt very broken every time and will start fighting and breaking things because I could not break him.
Currently they are still talking to each other and hope it is only about the child and for quite some time that he is not away from home. I know in some or another way he might be cheating with someone else now but keep on denying it. I would want to trust him and make a success of my marriage but how do I do It if I do not trust him. I don't know what rout to take I thought divorcing my husband was an option but in that good things also happen that make me change my mind.
Ginny on June 12, 2019:
My sharp tongued mean husband has ruined me. Eaten my soul alive. I honestly am just waiting for the day my body dies because that's the only part of me that is alive. I only allow myself one hour a day to cry after he leaves for work and before the children wake up. I pray to God to show me away, I get nothing. I stay quiet, pick up his mess, defend my children, take care of the house, cook and clean. I have a mass on my spine and Ms so it's hard. I'm looking for work but not much I can do. He's mad I want to work. I get hives when he gets home from the anxiety....
James, the former ‘DPH Iceman’ on June 01, 2019:
OMG, what U have written, and experienced sounds like I have written this, and lived it, too.
On some level, my wife’s intensity, and anger during our courting months somehow eluded my focus. Then we argued hotly, and she
began throwing small objects at me, or tore magazines up.
We would apologize, and vow not to ‘do this ever again’, but that never came to fruition.
Long story short, we got married, endured life stresses, family challenges, deaths of family members, and friends, illnesses, re-locations,retirements, purchasing homes- the whole gamut,while still
fighting like cats and dogs, especially the last two years of losing close family members.
I am in the process of exploring counseling, with my spouse, or without her- I can only change myself. I hope I will keep an open mind
on what I have read. I plan on saving this.
BTW, I have begun meditating again- it worked when I was an EMS-FF, and I see no reason why it will not work now. I need to stay focused and accept the help that is out there. I am doing this because I do love my wife, AND we both shared stories of rough early life experiences, and challenging prior marriages. This will not be perfect.
We only have one another!
Marque King Robinson on May 25, 2019:
Feel like I’m losing my wife to my financial mishaps. She says she is no longer secure and turned off by me not being financially responsible. Any solutions?
CLJ on May 22, 2019:
This is the current situation i find myself in. I am becoming my husband. I have lost my sense of self due to low self esteem. he does not wish to go to counselling and we have a 7 month old boy. i am confused and lost.
Bethany on May 20, 2019:
This is us exactly. No one has ever spelled it out so clearly. Especially not us. Things are terrible and we are planning a separation. I asked him to read this so we will see. Its sums it all up. Thank you.
Lophy on May 18, 2019:
Been telling my husband he’s been turning me into him for years and he vehemently denied it. I tried avoiding it, but now find myself in the position of the tired angry wife. I don’t know that he’s had the full epiphany of his actions just yet. And now I’m finding it harder every day to control my angry outbursts at him. I hate recognizing the path, and no assurance of how to get on the right one.
Thank you for sharing your story. There’s some solace in knowing others struggle the same, and some find the way back to the good times
Cheryl on May 08, 2019:
I am not condoning what he did, but I will say, that it takes a lot of courage to own up to how badly he had treated his wife. Especially when others would comment. Maybe it might be little things that get her to calm down, like you pick up after yourself, and if she dressed nicely, let her know. Really romance her. If she dusted or did cleaning, let her know the place looks nice. You might feel a lot better about yourself knowing that you are being a better husband. If there is things you Love about her that make you want to fight for her, and the relationship with her, tell her. It takes time to change patterns of behavior that get ingrained, but if you want to, you can do it, keep showing her that you are willing to do the work to be better, and a more thoughtful husband. She is your wife, ask her in a calm way, what it is she wants you to work on. Really hear her out. You are right when you say let your wife have a voice. How can you create a win win situation with your wife, so you both win.
Brian on March 27, 2019:
Great article. Hope things are better for ya. Anyone else going through this should look into the Dreaded Drama Triangle. Change behaviors before it gets this bad.
Brian on March 27, 2019:
Everybody. I have a similar story. Add in wife had major health problems I treated her with kid gloves for 4 years lived at the hospital with her I mean way to Hero. She was the sick victim. Sickness the aggressor. We years of this Dad is Hero, Mom Is Victim, (whatever) is the Persecutor. Then.... she got better. Didn't like the hero and his overbearing serving since she didn't need anyones help. Then the hero got beat down by the words of the victim so long... he started standing up a little taller. Now we are constantly in the dreaded drama triangle. If you don't know what it is learn about it. If you can't get out of playing these roles nothing is going to change. Now in a day each of us can play each role. It's sad... it's making our toddlers sad. It's toxic folks. Do your best to stay calm, stop blaming, and remember why you got married.
I am now the same as the writer of this except.... I wasn't a butthole at the beginning. These are interchangeable roles though. Best of luck to everyone going through it.
Get to a therapist for yourself. Then work on the marriage. Couples counseling won't work if you don't have a team mate.
alex on March 21, 2019:
Same here with the roles reversed. What was cute and charming in the begining turned to be a rude, rough, selfish major slop after the birth of our daugther. I kept it to myself trying to fix everything myself but eventually the end of my fuse got on fire. We separately love to death our eight month old but I personally cannot stand her presence for more than 11 seconds. this is the time limit before all hell breaks loose. Moral of the story: 1) Live together as a family for at least a year before serious comitments. 2) All men will eventually crack under constant non sense and abusive nagging! giving the fact I'm one of those men who could do absolutelly everything on his own and do not require anything in return, nagging I will never tolerate. Haven't figured out how to proceed given the little girl caught in the middle of a deadly war...
You Reap What You Sow on March 16, 2019:
What you described at the time this was published is right around the time my wife started turning to me.
I’m only just now realizing it 6-7 months later and I’m desperately trying to change my behavior.
I’m in crisis mode and it’s very strenuous to remain calm and positive when the cold-hearted behavior that I dished out is coming back full force.
I have no advice. I’m seeking it myself.
Sophia1234 on March 04, 2019:
You my friend are a mysogonistic pig with extreme narcissistic traits, most likely narcissistic personality disorder. Your behaviour towards your wife is appalling and you wonder why she is so sensitive to you now. Clearly she is a very strong woman to have endured you for such a long time. I truly hope she is able to get away from you. Man child.
MalibuBarbie on February 22, 2019:
Here is what's funny. This is our marriage, word for word. Every experience, every single line till tbe very last. This is so creepy!! How similar can a situation be?! I guess there is truly nothing new under the son. We have a daughter too,aged 2.
Economist on February 19, 2019:
Well. After 5 years this article is still going strong! Whomever said that the roots of this are the parental/caregiver/relational behaviors during the formative years are influential nailed it. Much of what is said here relates to my own upbringing - mother/daughter dynamics.
Rick on February 13, 2019:
Maybe you didn’t do all of that. There is a chance you have been manipulated into thinking you have been the wrong one, this is happening to me now. There are two sides to every coin and our focus shifts with our emotions. You are definitely not stable, but may not be as to blame as you think.
Jessica on February 11, 2019:
So I found this article and the one about angry husband written by you.
I have often felt broken because of my husband’s barking, anger and his level of snarky mean spited comments to the kids. He’s always finding the negative.
However when I wait for a calm moment to discuss us getting help he refuses. When I explain my feelings of breaking, he will say only I can control my feelings and not him. Which I call BS because listen we are all human and can’t shut everyone off. His constant barking when things do not go his way really wears on me.
I see a therapist because I want to handle this better. However I think if he got therapy too for his last traumas (and he won’t — 21 years of trying) we could have a beautiful relationshy
Lucy on February 07, 2019:
35 years I’ve lived this way. Now retired we live in separate rooms. I’ve been through counseling for 30 years. We tried it together after his affair but after he pulled out the list of what was wrong with me that I needed to work on, I never went back, so that was his out, too. I’m now just waiting on who will die first.
Amera on January 01, 2019:
This is how my husband treats me. I was searching the web cuz i have been staying in our room and avoiding him when he is home from work. I have been using the excuse my Dad died im sad so let me be alone for awhile to get away from him. I was searching the web to see if husbands really do this to their wife. I cant have any type of conversation with him or he tries to make me feel dumb or argue for no reason even if we just watched the news he will ask me about it and try and make it seem like he knows more. I never get any compliments or anything from him. He treats everyone we encounter better then me and when i try and bring it to his attention he says its all in my head.
Im so happy for you that you cought it before its to late, for your children make it better or let her leave so when ur children grow up they dont repeat what you have done.
My son is 12 and now treats me like my husband does so Your wife is lucky to have a husband that is not to prideful to save your family!
Everett on December 20, 2018:
So this is me right now. I hit my crisis at 27, really I’ve always been in crisis but I realized it at 27. I almost lost my battle to depression and through therapy I found out what my issues were. Trying to do right and better have cost me a lot. The damage I’ve done to my marriage is undeniable. I hurt her so deeply with my words and actions and some days I fall into the same trap. I don’t know how to show her I see it. I can’t speak to it and try to share. She’s at the point now where she uses that same venom on me. I’m not mad, just sad and frustrated with myself.
Mateus Brava (author) from Portland, OR on December 01, 2018:
@Kaela Brown: thank you for your skilled and "enlightening" advice, it really opened my eyes now. Please don't quit your day job yet and become another toxic psychologist, OK? I do agree that we reap what we sow. Your words and mean wishes are also seeds you planted. Please remember this next time when you seem to feel "undeservedly" diminished and despised.
Kaela Brown on November 24, 2018:
“Intoxicating high of putting someone down”? Really? You got a high from beating down your wife? Ok, dude, here’s the thing, just because you turned a leaf when it became convenient for you, and you finally got bored being a narcissistic sadist who destroyed the mental health of others for fun, doesn’t at all undo the damage you caused on everyone around you. You projected evilness and toxicity in the world, and you are now reaping what you sow. I’m glad your wife is beating you down. I’m glad she’s finally giving you a piece of your own medicine. I’m glad your religion is forcing you not to retailiate. I hope her words and actions completely destroy you so you can be exactly in her place before you seek out your “spiritual journey”. Yes, you ruined a sweet, caring, and sensitive woman. This isn’t your punishment.
Anna on November 20, 2018:
This is how I feel about my husband. I just want him to feel how I feel on the inside. I try to tell him about the article so he would have a better understanding how I feel but no matter how many different ways I tell him he will never understand and it just hurts me cause I love him so much and I feel like I always have to fight for his love.
Walle, A. on October 02, 2018:
I didn't care and acted like an ass at the end, towards somebody I once did all I could for; if you were to tell me I would act that way in the beginning I wouldn't have believed you; now I can't believe I had her at all, that I once had someone intelligent and attractive; now someone else has her and if she was taking me for a ride the entire time as some claimed, well, our first years were so good all of it was worth it now aw
Sara on September 27, 2018:
I wonder if youre still on here. I’m in a stage of this. I’m a wife who has been very mistreating of my husband. I notice that he’s picked up on nasty things that I do like blaming the other when a situation is tough and we should be banding together. I’ve mistreated him for years and I’m not sure why I keep acting wrong. And now I think he is just broken and hates me as a person. I’m fearful that if I can change I’ve already done the damage. I don’t know what I’m commenting for. I guess I just wanted advice on my specific problems. I seem to disrespect him a lot and when I do and he confronts me I argue or lie to make him not mad and that only makes him more angry. By the time I see what I’m doing it’s too late. The fight is too big coupled with the fact that I do it every time. I feel like I almost blackout when I’m in that exact moment and I don’t see what it is about to be. I’m terrified that I can’t change because I haven’t and Ian it cause i don’t know how? But isn’t it just to stop doing it? But it happens so subconciously why don’t I think in those moments and how can I?
Janet on September 27, 2018:
Hi what you are describing is similar to what has happened here in our house except even the children now adults talk to me in a disparaging way. When I point this out to my husband he says well they didn't learn it from me. Since he has retired and I am not working things are harder. I can not even have an opinion or ask questions with out him exploding in anger. I love him to much to give up but now I am afraid he wants me gone.
Mimi on September 21, 2018:
My husband is similar to the wife at times, and bow he is turning to be like this sarcastic and mean, i been together for 6 years, been married for 2 years, and now according to him he is done with me.
alan on September 20, 2018:
my situation is the reverse. i am the way that the wife is described and she is like the husband. this has been going on for 44 years and i hate her. some women want equality; she wants superiority. i don't know why i haven't left her.
Unknown on September 10, 2018:
My husband is this way to me. I actually noticed it 6 months after dating and I broke up with him briefly. He was able to apologize and tell me how much he missed me...which was only out of his own self pity. We’ve been married now for 14 years and have done wonderful things but he has ruined all of it with his horrible personality flaws. He would never! Admit them, never fix them! I even sent him this article to read and he hasn’t said a word. I don’t know if his issues are genetic or if something in his life caused it. He would never say...because he doesn’t see anything wrong. We’ve tried counseling for a second but he would not go. I appreciate your story but I don’t see my husband ever reading it or taking it to heart and doing something about his issues. I am being pushed away but don’t leave because I feel I am somewhat weak but also because I know he has a personality disorder. What really upsets me as all the therapy I went to, none of them had the eagerness to help us. They were awful. So I’m in a unloving distant marriage and the only way I keep going is I’m sane for the most part and a naturally happy person. I’m holding on to that forever!
Sandra on September 04, 2018:
I love you guys. I have the greatest respect for your journey n wish u the best for the future.unfortunately for me things turned out very very devastating. After years of mental n verbal abuse I had no self respect n dignity n started long distance affair. Very destructive n unlike all that I stand for in life. 6 months ago I confessed and the results were more devastating.he has lost all respect for me and treats me like I'm a nothing. He claims he love me n want us to remain married which is also what I want. But the respect is gone or maybe was never there. As he prioritize his friends over me.it leaves me hurt n very lonely. I regret my transgressions. Only God can forgive me. I'm so very happy that your story had a happy ending. that u guys have found each other.
DeeDee on September 03, 2018:
This is my exact life and Im at the same stage as his wife. I don't know what to do. I love him and at the same time I don't want too. He says horrible things to me and I lashout in kind. We use to be so in love now idk what we are or what we will be again. neither of us wants to let go but I can only speak for myself when I say I cannot live like this anymore.
S on September 03, 2018:
I don't know why this post appeared when I was searching Google about my marital problem. This is the situation we are into right now. I allowed him to be so powerful over me. I kept silent all those years, now I am like an erupting volcano. I just feel sorry for my daughter. She doesn't deserve a family such as this one.
Anon on August 29, 2018:
My husband and I had a baby right out of high school. I lost my scholarships and decided to work instead of staying in school. He joined the sheriffs department and became a drunk. Before all of this the beginning of the relationship was bad. He was rude and mean and never complimented me. Till this day I don’t know why I even was with him, I guess just being young and daddy issues. I was very dumb. So he was already a bad boyfriend. Fast forward back to him being a drunk. We were planning our wedding and he was just completely not present mentally or physically for anything, by this time we had our second baby. He would come home saying how he hated his life and how miserable he was. I tried everything. Sexually, diets, I got a job to help out. Nothing made him happy. Now, I know he was just unhappy with himself. Communication was nonexistent I was always terrified to talk to him
Because he always Got mad and punch walls and I was scared of him. Then I cheated on him with a woman and I regret it with all my heart. He kicked me and our kids out and after a year and a half I finally gave up trying. Then he wanted me back, by this time I was over it. Over everything. I met someone else and ended up getting pregnant again, he bailed and while this whole time my husband was begging me back knowing I was pregnant. After a while we decided to try and he took my daughter in as his own. But the fighting began. This time I was the mean one and the drunk. I would hit him and he would hit me back. Then the worst night of my life was when we were fighting and he broke my arm. And now I get flashes of anger and hate towards him and he’s a little more patient now but he still snaps back. I’m more open now about my depression and how I feel but it goes unnoticed. I’m just so angry at everything. What I did and what he’s done. And I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Graczy17 on August 28, 2018:
Same situations here. I’m this wife. My husband won’t change anymore, all the cheating, betraying, lies and mentally abused can not change no matter what I do. I wanted to change but I don’t know why I still love him so much after all the horrible things he did in our marriage. After a long time I’ve learned all the bad side of him (except for the cheating of course) I become more angered and lost. I can’t even recognise myself anymore. There is a time I just wanted to end my life but I know this is not the answers and right things to do. I love my life even I always have hard life my whole life. I always find a way to be happy but this time all the pain inside of me is unbearable and unbroken. It’s really hurting me and killing me inside.
m on August 26, 2018:
This is my life. I don't know what to do anymore. I have tried to love but I can't anymore. I have nothing left. I've been told everything in the book. Unimaginable moments locked in my memory forever. I love this man so honestly and he does not deserve it. What is wrong with me?
Nicole on August 20, 2018:
I've been married for less than a year. We argue what seems to be often. Most of the time it's because I'm trying to talk to him and tell him how I'm feeling. I'm very honest with him. But he is the complete opposite. He's deceiving, he lies, goes behind my back... When arguing he LOVES to belittle me, blame me, and say the meanest things. I'm starting to believe the mean things he says as the actual truth. The emotional abuse has been hell. He believes a man does what ever he wants and has the power in the marriage. He shows no emotions, he's careless, selfish, and more. Sometimes if I mention how I feel he laughs in my face. It's killing me slowly.
Struggling2018 on August 19, 2018:
At least this man realizes his behavior and his abuse created the monster. Mine will never get to that point I’m sure. Everyone has their problems coming in, but when one person allows anger to escalate to abuse on a regular basis it does irreversible damage. My husband has been verbally abusing me, using my deepest insecurities to humiliate me for over 4 years . When he indulges in his anger he tells me I have no value and I should be happy I’m not married to an alcoholic or someone who hits or kills his wife. Wtf ? Now, 5 years into the relationship I can honestly say I no longer see any good in him. All I see are flaws. I don’t say anything nice, I’m not attracted to him anymore, and most days I secretly wish I could go back in time and erase his existence from my life. Years ago when he would unload and tell me he hated me and I was worhelsss I would cry - but now after years of verbal abuse I’m dead inside. He could die in front of me and I wouldn’t shed a tear. He will never take responsibility , he always tells me how lucky I am to have him. The hatred I have towards him is deeper than he will ever know. Yes I criticize him sometimes but it’s onky the tip of the iceberg of how I really feel about him. Men who abuse and cultivate hatred in their wives deserve whatever the wife dishes back to them. If you dish it out guys you better fucking be able to take it, because that shit is coming back to you tenfold.
Sarah on August 14, 2018:
Me my self went through the same thing, and about two years ago till now my husband trying to make everything looks normal again and work on himself BUT it's never feel ok and it's still hurts and I'm copying him and do what he did to me and I hate my self now. I will see therapist soon and I will seek device he doesn't deserve me.
Lindsay on August 13, 2018:
My husband does this to me. He will always shift the blame on me for whatever arguments he has started. I never go out of the house without him and the kids and when I finally have plans to do so, he manages to start a fight with me about something earlier in the day so he can ruin my joy and excitement. Of course he doesn’t admit he does that, but the fact that it happens every single time is an odd coincidence. We did Mariage counseling for a few months and it helped, but then our counselor stopped taking our insurance so we haven’t been in two months. His weird random anger and fight starting over the smallest things has started again and I now recognize the huge wedge he has created in our marriage. I actually don’t want to spend time with him alone anymore, and I will do anything to avoid his anger.... which means almost avoiding him all together. I can’t live this way and be happy, but no matter how delicately I try to talk to him about it he gets angry instantly and a fight in front of our children always ensues. I love him and I just want “us” back. But I’m tired of feeling alone and lacking in a partner, and always defending myself. I’m just unhappy. I don’t know what to do anymore. Even if I send him a link to this arcticle, he won’t read it. He will just tell me how dumb it is and how it has nothing to do with him or us. Even though it’s almost exactly what he is doing to our marriage....
Nobody on August 11, 2018:
Wife here. This summarizes how I feel like my husband acts historically to me... And now I'm just a miserable human being around him because I only want to do the same behaviors to him that made me feel so awful. It's destroying our marriage.
Same on August 11, 2018:
I can relate to this in some ways. I wasn't easy to get a long with, and I was the one who escalated the verbal fights into nuclear territory only to have to have it fly back in my face. At the same time, she refused to recognize her own bad habits. I'll miss the woman I met, and may God forgive me for contributing to her loss. Nothing left but ghosts and shadows that hauntingly replay through my mind.
David Brett on August 10, 2018:
As I read through it all, which includes all who identified themselves as the wife or husband in the situation, it is apparent that it’s all just human.
However, it is only being suggested here that turning to God would be a healing experience. The holy word of God is for rep re-proof.
Such marital/social situations are just erroneous as we mentally and emotionally go through life. Human relationships no matter how close it can be, can result in separatism for several reasons and simply even if the vibration of two individuals doesn’t exist considering the backgrounds, mindset and related factors.
But embarking on the prospect of reading the spoken word can be enriching as it emits a balm to the mind and soul, so to say, and understanding enhances, dissolving the bad tase, memories and living demons of the mind.
But then again, one has to know about going about or initiating the study of Gods word.
Otherwise, the remorse and mental demons will remain with us till the grave and as long as we harbour, resentment, intent of suicidal options and wallowing in self pity and the greatest ongoing disappointments, dissatisfaction and never ending depression of life.
Try it out, not once but again and again since the only need and relief from such worldly hatred is as simple as the very word is. - OVERCOME!
The holy word will spur one and all into overcoming. On this journey too, after a while, backsliding does occur which the word also explains, and also guides in overcoming!
Consistency of purpose and continually remaining in the study, adopting its precepts and desire to remove the resentment of the present situation and circumstances is the answer my brothers and sisters
Marie85 on August 07, 2018:
Reading this is like reading about my own married life with my husband, he sees all my past wrongs and shoves it in my face during minor or big arguments, I feel I'm never good enough he has been caught not full filling our sacred wedding vows and has hurt me beyond words and he has never said sorry and thinks it is stupid because he excuses my feelings because he says I'm too emotional, I don't feel he even sees me anymore, he used to be so sweet loving and caring and now I feel he could care less if I stayed or left. My heart hurts now for a long long time and I can't take it he won't do counseling he won't talk because I'm nagging and says I'm never happy but yet I still love him. He says I'm not who I used to be in the beginning and I know I'm not because truly I'm not happy anymore if he were to be the man he veiled to be in the beginning to get me to fall for him I would be happy and the person I used to be, I don't even recognize me anymore
Liz on August 03, 2018:
Oh please, no one ever really changes. He sounds like a malignant narcissist, that’s a personality disorder that CAN NOT be fixed, run, just run....
A nony mouse on August 02, 2018:
AS sorry many men do not appreciate the level of work involved in having a baby. My child had trouble feeding and as I was no longer working, I took the brunt of the childcare, housekeeping and night feeds. My now ex husband, would come in from work about 5;30, barely say hello and disappear upstairs to spend the evening on the computer. He even ate his dinner in front of the computer. We pretty much had separate lives, with me too tired to object. Needless to say he was having an affair and it was the beginning of the end.
D.W. on July 30, 2018:
As a wife, I really wish men would read this. We do this unintentionally, but you are the cause of it. Both partners need not to do this and neither spouse will be miserable, especially the wife
Stand tall on July 30, 2018:
I feel the same..
Cakefacebitch on July 27, 2018:
Thank you for sharing this with such honesty. I can relate as a female who has started doing the exact things to my boyfriend that he has been doing to me for the past few years that have hurt me so badly that I'm afraid I will never ever heal from. He has been physically abusive and as a result I hate and resent him for it. Lately I become so angry that I just want to hurt him physically. He will say something so hurtful and I will lunge toward him and grab onto his arm, at the same time trying to hold back with all my might. Me grabbing and squeezing his arm results in him grabbing me or choking me and to try to get him off of me I will dig my nails into his arm. After doing that he usually pushes me really hard and i fall backwards to the floor, or fall back into something. The thing is he keeps saying that I'm so violent and abusive. Yet, I'd never put my hands on him if I wasn't so hurt and angry for him doing it to me. Especially after him knowing I was in a physically abusive relationship for years in the past. He would always say how he couldn't believe the guy would do such things, but he does the same things! I know I am in control of my actions and reactions and I can't blame him for my feelings or emotions but like I said, if he hadn't been putting his hands on me for the past 4 years, I would never have started to become physical. The thing is, I can usually hold back. But just me grabbing his arm make it okay in his mind to do other things that I feel are no comparison. Or if I throw something at him, and not very hard because I am by no means strong or have a good aim/arm, he will throw it back ten times harder. When these things happen he gets so angry and leaves my house, but when he did things to me in the past I never left although I should have. He always tries to justify or excuse the times he's pushed, punched, choked, grabbed, and thrown things at me. But when I do something physical but slight and am able to stop he says things that make me out to be this violent awful person that I'm not. He is. What is the purpose of choking someone other than to kill them? You choke to restrict the airway, which makes the person unable to breathe and eventually can kill them. He says he was restraining me. But i wasn't doing anything, I didn't need to be restrained. And that's not how you restrain someone. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to die. So I guess the next time he chokes me I'll just let it happen and won't try to fight it.
AS on July 23, 2018:
Great read, and thank you for sharing your insight. As a wife, I feel like this is us, but a little different. I finally hit a level of indifference and lowered my expectations to nothing. Now, that seems to be causing just as many problems. I do what's required of me to take care of our baby and to meet the demands of my career. Then I take care of the house, and what's left goes into either him or me, but sadly, not "us". But this change in priority came after I was tired of being on the backburner. Now, I fear I have my husband feeling that way... he's the one tired of not being a priority. It's a mutual respect our marriage lacks. But in my state of indifference, I am appearing unhappy. I am not unhappy, just getting done what I need to do before I wake up and do it again tomorrow....
John Doe on July 22, 2018:
I’m the husband in this article. I met a woman who was easy to talk to. We had fun and things moved fast. I felt compassion towards her and her daughter who’s father abondoned. We learn from our environment about relationships. We both were from broken families. Her mom was a drug addict and was raised by her brother. My parents were divorced and my step dad was verbally abuaive when he got drunk. My mom was critical of everything I did. I was an expert on picking on flaws and being critical. I found and picked all her flaws trying to initially escape from the relationship when my mother got me a date with another woman. I dated the other woman two times and it didn’t go anywhere. My girlfriend at the time was pregnant with our daughter. It was a defining moment. It was either go all in or walk alway. I went in all the way I knew how to. We had a little boy together when she was staying with me in another state when I was working a job for a year. She changed and became a different person. She took credit out in my name and bought things and I told her that wasn’t okay. We came back home and I was out of state working a job and realized I’m going to loose my family if I don’t come home. I prayed to God that he would provide employment at home. A couple weeks later I found a local job by the house. She was used to doing her own thing. I was told I needed to go back on the road because I screwed up their routine. I just wanted to come home and enjoy my wife and kids. I would come home to eat dinner by myself and the wife would sit on the porch on Facebook and jacking around on her phone. It was like she was done with the kids and needed a break so it was my job after coming home to take care of both kids and get them to bed. Around Christmas time credit cards showed up in my name and I told her again, it isn’t okay. Told her we needed counseling but it went ignored. I told her her poor financial decisions was hurting our family and took a bank account and started giving her an allowance because I could not trust her to be responsible. She hasn’t had a problem getting into my online accounts for banking & appleID. I could not trust her to take ownership. She carries all these hurts from childhood and holds onto all the hurts from my screwups. I tried to get us to start going to church as a family and she resisted. I went and took the kids with me for a while. It got to a breaking point when things got really bad during an argument and the police got called. I care and want to do the right thing but it takes two people in agreement moving in the same direction. I didn’t want divorce. I wanted to have my kids see what a healthy marriage looked like. I don’t want them to learn the habits of a dysfunctional marriage.
on July 20, 2018:
This post is how I feel. I have sacrificed my soul and heart .... to make my husband somewhat I better man. The anger gets the best of me now towards him , which I dispise in myself. I am ultimately accountable for what I say and do. All the hateful things he’s said and done has taken its toal on me .
brokenspirit on July 15, 2018:
As many wives have stated, when I shared this article with my husband it enraged him. So much so that I wish I had never said anything. I was 17 when I met my husband and we married a year later. We’ve been married for almost 9 years and have 2 beautiful little boys. I loved him with every ounce of my being. He rescued me from a very abusive childhood and he protected me and gave me strength. No matter the situation, I was always a very fun, outgoing, easy spirited girl with a positive outlook. For the past few years, I haven’t been able to look at myself in the mirror because I no longer recognize myself. I can’t even enjoy the good times because I know they aren’t going to last. I sit in tears wondering what I have done to ruin our marriage. What I did to make him hate me so much. I don’t understand how someone you love can make you feel so horrible. I feel like I’m not good enough for him, our children or anyone. My sense of self worth and imaged is gone. I hate myself more than what is happening to my marriage. I feel as if I am the reason for everything falling apart. My boys don’t respect me. They often give me attitude and ask me why I’m so sad all the time. I hate the person I’ve become and at this point I don’t think I’ll ever find the woman I used to be.
Here on July 13, 2018:
I'm the wife in this, because I know my husband will never read anything like this and I'm tired of him ignoring me. I'm tired of him ignoring my emotions, my emotional needs, and getting angry and being rude when I voice it. Too many of us women put up with this type of behavior because we can't do anything about it. I love him. I do. He's great except when I try to get him to see his faults and I'm tired of fixing it on my own. That's the only thing making me feel terrible. There are only very few moments like this. But when they happen I feel torn up. I hate it when he gets like this. Like everything he does isn't what I say it is. And he gets rude. I'm not innocent in it either. I'm rude too. But he doesn't realize the things he does hurt me. And that hurts me more. Sure I hurt him too. I admit it. His problem is never admitting to his faults. He says sorry so often it has lost its luster. And I tell him. I don't want to hear "I'm sorry" without an action. But he refuses that he isn't doing anything wrong.
bknight on July 05, 2018:
im the wife in this as well. I was so upbeat. and he has broken me. only i am too poor to even consider leaving. im stuck. the only way out i have would leave my daughter to be raised by him, and I would never want that for her in a million years. I wish every day that I never met him or I could get myself out of this. I fear my only option would put me straight in hell. I would never see my child again.
Jeenksb on July 05, 2018:
See my last comment. It appears as if you added a bit to what I originally read. I cry just reading the article and comments. I applaud and admire your efforts but as my last comment states, even having my husband read this brought out his Mr Hyde. I keep asking him why he even stays with me. He clearly doesn't like anything about me. Oh well, I will soon be leaving and it breaks my heart.
Cypress on June 27, 2018:
I am going through this right now with my husband. He just keeps saying the hurtfull things , ive told him not to & why & what its doing. He gets mad at me with all blame because he is never wrong & i question him because his stories never match up with his words.
Help what do i do to make him stop.
Itdoesntmatter on June 26, 2018:
I’m the wife in this story. I used to be this happy, positive person. I loved life and had no trouble dealing with life’s hardships. Until I met my husband. He has always been this grumpy, negative person and initially I had no trouble with it, my skin seemed to be thick enough. Until it started to crack my skin. The constant negativity, nagging, criticism, cheating, lying and drug abuse started to break me down. I started to resent him, hate him, wanting to hurt him with my words. Now I can’t even look at him anymore without hate boiling inside me. And it’s all sadness. It isn’t true hate, it’s intense sadness. Sadness for the loss of connection, sadness for missed opportunities. My heart gets broken over and over again and I keep trying to pick up the pieces and glue them back together. Now that my husband seems to really try at times, I can’t see it anymore. All I see is the bad things. The hurt, the lies. It goes well for a week or two and then he’ll fall back in his old ways. I’m miserable and so angry that I can’t rezognize myself anymore. I’m not this person. But I can’t seem to find the real me anymore. I’m afraid this marriage is broken beyond repair.
MrRico on June 23, 2018:
A.S. on June 06, 2018:
Was this article really written by a man? Or a woman?
ANON187 on May 22, 2018:
Good read. You see I'm in somewhat a similar position.
I'm a man who chose to marry the person I believed was the love of my life. we've been married for 1.5 years and have been together as a whole for 4 years. I loved this woman with every molecule of my body and tried my very best to be there for her through thick and thin. I've known the woman since she was a 12 year old girl, she was my best friend for 8 years before getting together. Her upbringing wasn't the best and she never really had any role models to look up to, so I was always there for her even prior to our intimate relationship.
Long story short, we got together and I couldn't be happier - a week into the relationship I realised how troublesome she could be, but reassured her we would work through all of her issues no matter the cost. I loved her unconditionally and my loyalty never strayed once in any capacity. Once she was sure i loved her unconditionally, we began getting into arguments daily. she hurled abuse at me, compared me to other men, told me she would "f*** other people", shared our issues with her family who discriminated against me due to me ethnicity (which is obviously out of my power), and left me whenever she had the chance to. The saddest part in this is, for the first 2.5 - 3 years of the relationship, I constantly apologised for both of our wrong doings just to smooth things over, unbeknownst to me I was actually reinforcing her negative behavior and empowering her sense of entitlement. I would never react to her abuse, even when it was physical. I would literally wait until I was alone and cry, as said as it sounds. Now keep in mind i'm 6ft 4' grown man who is of a strong build, I would've never let anyone else violate me to the extent she did without a reaction. I had warned her on many times that she is pushing me away and that one day I wouldn't be able to uphold my "sweetness" and passivity when being taken advantage of as such.
I did everything for her and her family, despite the abuse and discrimination from them. There was nothing I wouldn't do for them. I built relationships with their younger siblings to the point they started referring to me as their favorite uncle.
Stupidly, I decided to marry this woman. Prior to the marriage we attempted to set out ground rules. I would never set rules for people that I wouldn't abide by myself. These rules were more codes of conduct to ensure the sanctity of the marriage. I was young and flourishing in my career, funded her entire life style and put food in her and her families mouths. Unfortunately the derogatory behavior didn't change. The issues continued and I snapped. I didn't care to be the sweet, "ass licking", apologetic, soft man I had been as I didn't see any change over the course of 3 years. I began loosing my cool often. She knew how to push me buttons and manipulate me and did so at every given opportunity regardless of how I felt. She planted seeds of insecurity and distrust within me and watered them on a daily basis. Through all of this, my loyalty or love never changed. within 6 months of being married, we had some pretty intense argument which resulted in her physically attacking me, disappearing on regular intervals and threatening to commit suicide. I left my well paying job due to stress and depression and things have been going downhill for me since. I chased and chased and always managed to calm the situation, even though i was angry. Unfortunately her behaviors didn't change. She began lying to me about the smallest of things and continued to play on my insecurities which she purposely instilled within me. I'm a person who allows and promotes mistakes, as long as we can talk about them and learn from them. She couldn't do that, and persisted to lie. My anger levels have gone through the roof and I can't tell whether I love her or hate her more. I hate myself for putting up with it for so long. We are now distant by her request, and she blames me because I've changed within the last year; unfortunately, she's too ignorant to take responsibility for her actions which sparked and nurtured the change within me. I don't recognise myself anymore. I don't recognise her. It hurt so much when comparing the person she really is with the person she perceived herself to be. I have invested everything into her and my marriage, and left myself with nothing.
I can only see divorce on the table at the moment. I plan to fade away in the background, forget this all, take whatever lessons I can from it and start again. I have tried to reconcile with her, but her ignorance prevails. it has come to the point where I'm unsure whether I want to reconcile with her or not, but my innate caring nature wants to make things right. Honestly, I am unsure as to whether I will ever be able to forgive her and get over the hurt she has caused. She has ruined me.
Isobella B on May 19, 2018:
This was me. He almost destroyed me and our three children. I was with him for 25 years, married for 22+ years. I was diagnosed with PTSD. He would not let up when I finally realised he had no moral fibre whatsoever. He tried to strangle me and then was so angry that I was no longer prepared to go through anything more with him. He stalked me and was a vexatious litigator.
I was a loving young girl when I met him, full of enthusiasm for what lay ahead in my life. He crushed my dreams and destroyed all that I worked for. Now, years later, I have terrible anxiety coming back. He is miserable and full of evil. I have no contact with him. He tries to contact me every so often. The children are all struggling in different ways. We all appear to be doing well superficially. Dig below the surface and we are still suffering. I thought Karma would get him, but apparently not. He emotionally abused me through our entire relationship and beyond. The financial abuse continued post separation when he went bankrupt so I wouldn't get anything. I was so hurt and angry and demoralised and severely depressed and suffered debilitating anxiety.