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How I Broke My Wife and Turned Her Into an Angry Monster for Life

Updated on October 14, 2017
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This article should have been published anonymously. I shouldn’t disclose what I’m about to. However I feel so strongly about this that I’m compelled to do this. Heed my warning and don’t make the same mistake that I did.

As I write this I’m worried my wife is broken. Our relationship is at great peril.

You see, I used to be one of those men who always enjoyed pointing out faults in others. I just couldn’t help it, my mind was on autopilot. All I saw was people’s imperfections. My remarks were often cunningly sarcastic, blunt and venomous. I took pride in my sharp intelligence and deep insight into everyone's "stupidity". It was part of my identity.

When I first met my wife she struck me as the most gentle and kind lady I had ever met. Her feminine and soft qualities were intoxicating to my deep rooted cynicism and amour-propre. It was a perfect case of “opposites attract.”

Even though I was a bit of jerk with a heavy luggage of smart ass arguments she fell for my otherwise joyful nature and good sense of humor. All was fun and dandy for a couple of years but then things started changing.

I don’t know if you experienced this but there seems to be some universal curse about this... Some of the things that you initially absolutely adore about your partner have a tendency to transform into irritants that drive you absolutely mad years later. Isn’t it funny how this happens?

Anyway, I had my own skeletons in the closet. Little did my wife know that my mood could flip faster than an old maid chasing a Bridal bouquet. If my wife managed to push my proverbial buttons I would lash out at her with utmost insolence. I mean I would furiously bulldoze her "arguments" using the most sensitive aspects of her psyche.

Often, that experience would leave both of us incredibly shaken. It was an awful, embarrassing, and cowardly way to deal with personal arguments. Possibly, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

God only knows why she spent those years with me so I can only speculate. Could it be that her love was stronger than my poison? Could it be that she was too attached and too insecure to make the right decision? Or perhaps there was a case of a victim mentality subconsciously feeding off of the aggressor in me? Perhaps there's no clear answer and perhaps there's a bit of everything.

Things began changing when I started having an existential crisis at age twenty eight. I started reading a lot about the nature of mind, after death experiences and so on. As my knowledge and understanding grew so did my questions about more profound aspects of life. Spiritual literature from Eastern Philosophy turned into lessons of unrivaled psychology. I was lucky to meet the right people. My world view changed and my newly acquired insights inspired me to learn meditation.

Three or four years passed and without even noticing I started treating people, including my wife, very differently. As I slowly learned to manage my energies and my mind, I became more tolerant, patient and relaxed. My fiery temperament and arrogance was melting away and being replaced by sheer joy of newly found skills of self-control.

I thought to myself, “Finally, my life and relationships will only improve from now on.” Little did I know the damage I caused in the past will come back to haunt me when I least expect it. As my demeanor was changing from a prideful lion into a domesticated cat, my wife’s emotional wounds were only starting to grow some monstrous fangs.

She was more and more irritable, nagging and unhappy. She would unwittingly use my exact same verbiage and tactics from the past to punch me bellow the waste line. Having fully realized my spiritual ambitions, she knew she could wage a full out verbal assault. She knew I would no longer retaliate with a nuclear bomb so she was free to slowly and painfully exact her revenge.

It was mean stuff. Even she admitted to be baffled as to the source of her demeanor but that didn’t stop her from further driving a wedge between us. She knew it was a mistake but she couldn’t help it, the cyclonic forces within her were too strong.

One day, following an honest retrospection, it hit me – my wife has turned into me from years ago. I am the true architect of this walking Frankenstein that I could no longer recognize or relate to.

We’ve had many healing conversations since but we've come to realize that words leave deepest scars. Our baby daughter has brought us closer but I feel some of our ill habits remain.

I must give my wife more credit because obviously she is more tired due to her demanding schedule of being a mom. She has even less time for her own mental health but I know she’ll come around, especially if I accept the burden of my own creation and keep cool. It is hard work and I wish healing for both of us was a faster process but it is what it is. We must face it and live with it.

I would like to encourage all men to do everything in their power not to make my mistakes. But most importantly, I invite you all to be patient with your ladies when they turn into YOU years later. Many times their behavior is nothing but a reflection of our own previous actions. They deserve to be loved and forgiven now more than ever.

Do you have a woman from Mars?

Let me know if this ever happened to you and how you are managing it the comments section. Also, if you have any advice or criticism for me I'll be happy to hear it.

P.S. I had to keep this topic away from my anger management blog so that my wife doesn't find out. If she ever does, I'm toast. :-)

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      Peachymama 5 days ago

      Thank you for having the courage to be so honest in such a public format.

      Insight Level: expert

      I'm alternating between crying hysterically and laughing hysterically after reading this. This hit harder than just about anything I've experienced in my life. My big realization: I've let my husband turn me into someone I hate. Awesome. I can't manage to shake the past hurts he's caused, even with therapy. Growing up I thought the person you married wouldn't hurt you. But that closeness makes for the perfect weapon to break someone down.

      I'm the first to admit I'm not blameless in this. I've battled terrible post weening depression and anxiety with both kids so I'm probably not the easiest person to be around at times. When I'm struggling, I'm still surprised by his lack of empathy. His words that he wants to help me aren't matched by his shitty behaviors.

      Ugh, feelings are the worst.

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      Anne 7 days ago

      I used to be slow to anger and happy person until I married a wounded man from his childhood. His dad abused him physically and he don't get along with his mom. After a month of being married my life was a mess, I cried everyday because I feel so alone, my family is thousand miles away.when I tried to conversed him, he will quickly find ways to blame me for everything and he would tell me I complained so much.

      Time passed by without knowing that I become a different person irritable and hating him but I already have 4year old boy. He stays home with the boy and I do the work which is fine with me and we agreed to it, I am an RN my job is hard too and at end of my shift I wish to go home to a loving husband and a happy home but many time I go home and he makes my day worst, I developed anxiety issues because I get really anxious when I'm mad or his mad, ive never seen my parents fight or argue.I've thought about divorce many times but I can't let my son grow up without a dad although it's really exhausting. When I'm upset on something he makes me more upset and he gets mad even more. I can only cry because I can't undo the things that is already done like marrying him or having a child with him. Only time will tell how long can I hold on to this marriage.

    • tadasland profile image
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      tadasland 9 days ago from San Jose, CA

      @Abbess: thanks for the fan mail. Come back and visit. Meanwhile, see if you can look up a course on "constructive criticism." I hear it works wonders in relationships. Sounds like it will come very handy for you. ;-) Sincerely yours, asshat.

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      Angie 3 weeks ago

      Im a wife. I feel the same way. Our roles have reversed over the years. Even he admits to it, and that he was a very angry person. I don't know how to stop. With the pressure of a baby I feel even shorter with him. But he gets on my last nerves.

    • tadasland profile image
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      tadasland 3 weeks ago from San Jose, CA

      Kourtney, you laid it out so well, so precise. The same kind of sharp mind and insights will lead you back to who you were, I'm sure of it. You're holding on to stuff, this is what keeps you locked up in a cage that you might have erected to protect yourself. Take baby steps out of it, let go just a little bit every week and slowly, slowly your heart will thaw. Hang in there.

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      Kourtney 3 weeks ago

      Man... as I read this I can't help but sob. Which is what I did for hours on end last night and this morning after the harsh battle that broke out between me and my husband. A fight that ended like they so frequently have: in total fucking destruction. I've been with this man for 7 years. And in all those years there was a lot of pain. He was quite honestly put, a rather miserable person. Random bad moods, snarky cynical comments and judgment of strangers and life and well, everything. People, strangers who somehow ruined his day. Me who unknowlingly did something wrong or that wasn't up to his expectations. Just a constant tide of incoming and outgoing negativity. And the fights, he becomes someone else. Someone cold and inhuman. Some who uses my insecurities as a sword against my own throat. But then when the dust settles, he knows what he has done. He is Truly someone who is both this amazing man, and this really big asshole at the same time. And it's hard. It's so hard and tiring hearing all the time. It's so hard trying to still be there for the person you love while you see these harsh characteristics and hear nothing but criticisms on everything that make it hard to even like them. We had a daughter 2 years ago and for me everything just changed. While he has gotten better over time, I've found that much like your wife, as he has let go of this part of him, I took it on. I have grown cold. Lost touch of my sense of humor. I find the same cold shoulder I'd get from him, I now unknowingly give him. When we fight, I simply gear up for war. Because while he may no longer want it, he is the one who taught me the tactics. My resentment for the negativity he brought into our life has turned me into him. We are discussing therapy because I really am having a hard time letting this new man in, this new version of my husband. I'm struggling to enjoy him and the happy moments and the attempts he makes to change because I can't erase the him that was before. And it's just really hard. He said today that he thinks "he ruined me". And I'm afraid he is right. And that in return I've spent the last few years subconsciously repaying the favor.

    • tadasland profile image
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      tadasland 7 weeks ago from San Jose, CA

      @brokenWife: well, this is some predicament, isn't it? I'm sure if you ask a lady she'll tell you one thing and if you ask a man he'll suggest something else. Personally, I feel there are too many problems and issues in life to solve and rearrange conditions for better so to me it would all boil down to practical things: if I feel my kids and I can be happier without an angry person around and I can support myself then it's a no brainer but if I'm dependent and if the price of self-reliance is the one I'm not willing to pay then I put up with difficult person till I find another solution. Very likely he doesn't need to change because he knows he has you, he believes you'll stay any way. It's up to you to shake up that confidence. No matter what happens, don't take promises as any guarantee because our habits are too strong. Accept only his positive action as currency - this could be some emotional intelligence training, counseling, etc. Good luck.

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      brokenWife 7 weeks ago

      I feel a sense of relief reading this at the same time as immense pain. Great, I already knew that a decade with my emotionally unsupportive and extremely argumentative/egotistical husband has me fallen out of love with him. I still care and i feel a horrible large surge of intense pain thinking about breaking up our fam (2 toddlers) but i cant be around him anymore. He's improved slightly; i mean he apparently acknowledged how i feel and took a mini anger course (its affects are slowly disappearing) but i feel its too late. He spoke and treated me like shit for a whole 10years. I feel so stupid!

      In January this year i told him enough was enough and i will give him 6 months to show improvement or im taking the kids. Ta da, he hasnt improved, temper and ugly words still there. But whats worse is i not hate him. Well i love him but i hate him. Ive punched his arm/chest about 3-4x this past 8 months - and EVERYTIME it is after he kept arguing/interrupted me and wouldnt let me talk or even breathe. I mean, i feel so angry towards him. So broken because he's my husband? Tells me he loves me, yes he provides finanacially BUT none of that is showing that he is CARING or loving towards me. What am i supposed to do?? I cannot cope with breaking the family but i cant take this pain anymore! I've become an extremely sad, serious and angry with him (was the fun, playful, extremely kind type with him)

      I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE! BUT I HATE THAT I STILL CARE FOR HIM. I ust need to stop caring, it will make the leaving him much easier. I know the kids and i will be calmer and kinder. ????

    • tadasland profile image
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      tadasland 2 months ago from San Jose, CA

      I totally agree - it is easier to wrote than change and most people do exactly that - they project their better self into writing, almost wishful thinking like. As you can tell from the article - it is a personal perspective, not a well balanced and psychiatrist moderated piece. :-) When I talk about change it is never a 360 but it is enough to function better and not fluster over useless things. I still have my pet peeves that I don't really negotiate on (for example, being wasteful or certain aspects about raising our daughter). Also, when she exploits my determination to remain calm or tests the limits of my patience I'll certainly show my claws, might even smash a tomato :-) Bottom line is that all couples fight but the most important thing is to keep rules like to never strike below the waste-line. :-)

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      sochguru 3 months ago

      Tad, it would be interesting to read your wife's perspective if you were really able to change yourself. Don't take it wrong, but it is easier to write than actually practice. And sometimes we feel we are trying to change or have changed but we have not actually changed that much (from the spouse's perspective).

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      Tara B. 4 months ago

      This has happened to me. I used to be kind, soft, and patient. My husband lacks empathy and would try to inflict pain with his arguments. Years later he is softer but I am bitter & have turned into him.

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      stefina bomba 4 months ago

      I am the wife. I don't think I became a monster I just care so much less about what my husband thinks, says or does. Does he get angry for small things? is he negative all the time? is he not listening me? does he really think is he the best? maybe he has some kind of mental disorder? depression? low testosterone? WHATEVER! he is not going to drive me crazy or turn me a monster. I just do not want to think about him all the time and focus on myself. I have muscle dystrophy and I can't handle more stress. I want live in peace and die in peace. He doesn't like I am so detached but this is the price that he has to pay and he will have to work very hard from now on if he want to be with me. I don't like to be angry because I spent also my childhood with a mother that was angry all the time. I just hate people that can't control their emotion and behave like a little spoiled child. Thanks for sharing your experience, it helped me a lot to understand more my situation

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      idiot husband 4 months ago

      I broke my wife after many years of sarcastic comments, subtle put-downs and generally running her down.

      I hate to sound corny but I did not exactly "see the light" but I came close.

      I am sorry for my behaviour but now of course I have the most aggressive, angry, cursing and generally unpleasant woman at times. We have two kids and she is determined to wreck the family to hurt me.

      If i so much as forget the ice cream on the shopping list she will tell me to F-Off becuase I don't respect her.

      It upsets the kids a great deal.

      I am trying to send her powerful good messages and trying all day to bless her and forgive her.

      Yes I realize that to most people this sounds stupid.

      But I am all out of ideas.

      She also has health issues meaning she cannot leave the house, drive or do much. Yes she is depressed. Angry and depressed. No she will not get help. It's her way of hitting out at me.

      Blessings to all you people on this forum for caring enough to read these stories and offer kind words.

      The Idiot Husband (andy)

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      Dustin 4 months ago

      Just stumbled across this post. Almost describes me to a T. My wife has been loving, caring, and giving from day one. Ups and downs have been had and maybe I was scarred from my previous marriage. But my wife had nothing to do with that nor ever deserved the tongue lashings I gave her over the dumbest things. What's worse is the fact that I would find everything I could in any opportunity to just be mad at her. No idea why. It was instinctual and reflexive. I've wanted to be romantic and loving for 8 years, like I fruitlessly dumped into my ex when we were 19. She has deserved it. Now, we have a baby on the way (third child, one from first marriage-i have custody so she lives with us, and one with her). This child was not planned and, while not unwanted, wasn't the plan. We were supposed to be done with 2, 1 girl, 1 boy. We agreed that we were set, then, oops, birth control didn't work perfectly. Something with the pregnancy or the hormones she's putting off flipped a switch. I'm uncontrollably drawn to her on the loving, caring, romantic way I've wanted to be since the "honeymoon phase" wore off. Been enjoying it immensely. Only big downside is that what was projected at her as anger has now turned into uncontrollable feelings of sadness and despair on an almost constant basis. I'm only calm and truly happy when I'm literally holding her-physically close. I'm not a doctor and can't definitively say, but from what I've read, it seems depression was the reason. But depression about what? Got a good job, great kids, awesome wife, overall good everything. No reason to be depressed at all. Now, stumbling across this post, I fear in some time my wife might be affected by and retaliate from my long time verbal abuse and unfounded anger. It's a tough thing to admit and seems to be harder to fix.

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      coachingbykimesha 5 months ago

      Going through something similar myself. I was kind like your wife, (codependent) and my husband more like you (narcissistic). He recently admitted he intentionally does things to make me upset. Then in a few ask "why I'm never happy". And now when I lash out at him I say I got it from you. He frequently states how his mother never liked when he was happy and when even discipline him if he was too happy.

      Was your mother an verbal/emotional abuser?

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      Cyril Bihary 7 months ago from West Haven

      @tadsland, Just seeing this article now. I can relate to what you're saying, all of it. The attitude, the wife's qualities, the mood switch,everything. I myself can be a way better husband and father. I have anger issues, and they seem to multiply when I am tired, I know if I go to far, it stresses my wife out and I make her angry. I often wonder why my wife has stayed with me all these years and putting up with my crap.

      @kellyLR4964, I feel like I could me a replica of your husband to a certain extent, I want to be better, I don't want my wife/kids to hide things from me, and to not feel as close to me.

      I have tried to seek paid help on several occasions, but have never been satisfied with the progress, and I feel like it's a waste of time/money, nor do I want to be medicated.

      It could be due to stress, or the as a result of everything that happened growing up.

      Will I ever be normal?

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      SadWife 7 months ago

      There should be a way to anonymously email this to my husband.

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      Wesleyade 8 months ago from Lagos

      I was actually looking for something like this and was shocked to find it. It is so amazing to read my story from another person. I know undoubtedly I have also turned my wife into a monster but it's not entirely my doing. She had the monster in her all along, I only just gave it its freedom. We have been married 5 years and the relationship is a little over 7. I know we are still young in it and have room to fix it before it really gets out of hand. But how do you talk to someone who isn't interested in talking to you? How do you connect to someone who is completely mad at you before you even utter a single word? How do you bring back that sweet love when the wedge is so bitter, you literally taste it in your gut?

      I for one don't believe in divorce and have resolved to work at the relationship till we get it right. We have two adorable kids and somehow we have been able to shield them from all the mess.

      I really want to help her heal but all my efforts seem not to work. Knowing that I have just begun healing is a consolation but I want to share that with her. She has so much bitterness, anger and pain bottled up inside and I can't reach her anymore.

      Somehow I know she still loves me and I do too, we just can't seem to show each other anymore.

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      Wjjlw 8 months ago

      I am feeling probably feeling exactly like your wife did. At times my husband can be so sweet and kind! Was wondering the same if anyone has ever experienced this. I've done the same, but lately been pretty quite and don't know how to handle things or this. At times I feel he hates me when he gets this way, he gets angry at little things sometimes, mocks me. If I try to be loving, understanding it makes it even worse! He was all over me in the beginning and now at times won't even let me touch him or be close. I feel so terrible at these times! It hurts! Someone in need of help. I'm not talking about abuse really hear. Just two hearts that have lost their way. He accuses me of things sometimes, but their are things he's done and doing that I don't approve of. Someone please tell me what to do! I love this man so much!, more than anyone ever in my life! 7yrs!!?? Is it a curse. Opposites attract or too much alike?

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      tadasland 10 months ago from San Jose, CA

      Hmmm Rafael, seems like we are brothers in faith. Karma is a bitch but I'd rather have it all play out in this life then repeating the cycle in a different body. :-) Full moon does bring more energy to the mind and all its tendencies can be accentuated but hey, no one said spiritual life should be easy - this is all raw material for our practice. Things always change so hang in there.

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      Rafael 10 months ago

      Great story! Just my own reflection only less intensified (at least for the shake of writing in public) ! In a 18 years relationship and married for 11 years the first part was the story of my own aggression, now it is her part to play. Enduring for more than 7-8 years ... will carry on for the rest of my life. The rage and aggression in terms of furious out burst is found to periodic and monthly basis following lunar calendar. Being spiritual for the last 9 years trying to find the meaning of all this. We cannot get apart, some unseen bond keeps us bonded and keep fighting and burning. It seems like a volcano erupts and releases its energy. Fighting the archetypal energy for a long time. Get tired, wounded badly at times but still carrying on ...

    • tadasland profile image
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      tadasland 10 months ago from San Jose, CA

      Eva from Sweden: wow, super nice story. I wouldn't beat myself up about the past. First, guys are way easier than ladies, we forget quickly and let go fast. You sound like you are on happy track so just enjoy, would you? :-) Tristan: many lessons indeed, thanks for good wishes, same to you. Major: yep, you are being influenced by his behavior in a big way and various levels. You're the only one who can grow your awareness of your emotional states and the counter balancing measures. Mate: Judging from your level of expertise about narcissism and a skill for sharp criticism you seem to be part of the club :-) Some day, perhaps you'll understand, when you have a relationship of your own that things are not so simple as in the kindergarten where you pack up your toys and leave after a fight. ;-)

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      Mate 10 months ago

      I really don't understand why people remain in marriages like this...it baffles me that someone will take abuse for years to the point that it CHANGES THIER PERSONALITY! Think about it...it takes decades of adolescence to develop your ego/nature and then someone treats you so $hitty that it only takes 2-3 years to change that. Yes sir you do have a narcissist personality disorder even to the point that you have now "self actualize" to start being nice to humanity...and you still made this article 90% about you and your own "suffering" you are feeling do to your bad treatment and abuse of those who chose to knit their lives with yours at their unfortunate expense. You better worship and love this woman for the rest of her life 110% for all the hell you have put her through...man to man bro.

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      Major Zipf 10 months ago

      Thanks for writing this. I am a wife of a man that fits your description of your early self to a t. He goes from 0 - 60 in a flash and likes to use extremely sensitive parts of my existence against me when he is mad.

      We've been together 4 1/2 years, married for about 8. Ive been noticing a change in myself recently, noticing I'm angrier and less tolerant. There was a nagging suspicion I am turning into him. Now, at least I know I'm not imagining things.

      I just wish my husband would take the time to do some self improvement. It would probably save our relationship...

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      Tristan 10 months ago

      Wow! This tale reflects my own experience, but flipped. I was with a woman who was exactly as you describe your old self, we were together about 4 years before I realized it wasn't a place I could be in any longer. I applaud you for your recognition of this and your commitment to change and truly hope things work out for you, regardless of how your relationship ends up, there's many lessons learned for the next one.

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      Eva 10 months ago

      Loved reading this. My story is the opposite of yours. I come from a family of men (mother and 4 brothers) who were like you, and still are - and as a very sensitive little sister I adapted a lot of the awful traits you had - mostly with other people though, because my brothers were intolerable . I didn't realise that until I met my partner at 16, he was 18 at the time (been together 12 years now) and he was and continue to be the most gentle, caring and selfless man in the world.

      My friends didn't like him initially, I was a model (today I am a wildlife biologist) and he was a goofy highschool student that most people deemed unattractive. But his incredible intellect (he plays piano and guitar and has an engineer degree in robotics today ) his big eyes, huge heart and caring nature captured me - and so I started dating him, but I was embarrassed a lot of the time, and thus tried to change him. At first I would poke fun at his lack of manliness, his clothes, taunt him and completely change his appearance (dye and cut hair, buy clothes etc). Awful, I am so ashamed even putting it in words today.

      But as time went by I fell more in love with him and his lighthearted views of the world. He turned everything negative into something positive and like you I always saw the negative.

      As time went by, I began to realise that I missed how he initially was, his lack of style, his glasses, everything that made me think about his caring character. I felt lighter and happier with him than in all the toxic relationships thoughtout my life.

      So he transformed ME into a better person, and continues to do so. However I do se some of the marks I made. He was so sensitive before, and now he isn't as much. He is not as romantic as he was back then either.

      Today I treasure him as he is and I don't care AT ALL what people think about him, sometimes my stomach hurt when I think of how much I love him and how much he means to me. I often tell him I am so sorry and so grateful that he is mine, but he brushes it off and say he loves me as I am, also back then. But I dont want him to remember me as I was, it makes me ashamed and he deserves much more.

      He once told me I was a sunflower and that I should look at the light and let the shadows fall behind me, and so I have. But my behaviour still haunts me.

      I feel my transformation the most when I see my relatives who still can't see their reflections clearly. You cannot say anything or talk about any subject without them turning it into something bad. Me "We bough a house" Them "Oh welcome to mortgage hell.. your house wasn't a good deal.. you will regret.." Me "I got a new job" Them "You've had 1000 jobs already, when will you find out what you want to do in life? Your are almost 30!" etc etc.

      I almost always leave battered, but then he picks me up.

      He is my best friend, family and salvation, he is literally half my soul. He removes me from all the darkness of this world and i really only feel happiness when its him and me.

      I have vowed to myself that I will treat him like the precious man he is, and care for him as the best woman I can be for as long as he will have me. Maybe, just maybe it will make up for the horrible monster I used to me.

      Ps. Sorry for my english I am Swedish.

    • tadasland profile image
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      tadasland 11 months ago from San Jose, CA

      I beg to differ, Nonya. Buddhists say we're reborn till we get this illusion of life out of our thick skulls, you know. :-)

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      Nonya 11 months ago

      If she makes you unhappy why stick around? Seems that you got lobotomized by those books. There are plenty of people out there. You should now know what to look for in a woman. You know the red flags by now. I was in the same boat, I was always mad at my wife. We divorced and I'm happy again. You have one shot on this planet.

    • tadasland profile image
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      tadasland 13 months ago from San Jose, CA

      Friends, please accept my apologies, it looks like all these interesting comments have been stuck without the site notifying me. I was amazed how many of you have replied. It doesn't surprise me that so many of you find yourself in the same predicament, whether you're a husband or a wife. Life, our bodies and our relationships are always in a flux because we change so much. Life has a way of humbling and bringing to one's knees every person who fails to be kind to others. All of our anger and ill words eventually turn around and come back to haunt us in one form or another. I can't say my own relationship with my wife has improved much, perhaps we're more civil towards each other but all the hurtful words have left their mark and it can take only a spark to start a fire again. I've simply taken a path of being as helpful as I can and avoiding conflicts and this is OK for me as my personal spiritual journey of seeking knowledge and wisdom through meditation practices is much more exciting than any romantic getaway with my wife. :-) There is a great saying that I like a lot and it is attributed to Socrates: "By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

    • profile image

      Mark468855 13 months ago

      Does anyone know how to fix it? (Change your "monster wife" into woman who she was before.)

    • profile image

      Aroos 13 months ago

      I usually get mad too but started a website on marriage in Persian language (http://www.aroos.co) and reading so many blogs and posts for my website I'm learning how to calm down and ignore small things and focus on the big picture.

      Reading comments and forums also helps relate to the subject and also find a solution.

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      AnotherKelly 13 months ago

      This was a huge sigh of relief to read. I am the passive sweet wife turned monster. It's only been 7 years of marriage... but 3 kids under 6 and living with toxic in laws was a nightmare. I'd hoped getting a place of our own would allow us to finally breathe easy and the horrible verbal abuse and sometimes physical abuse would subside or at least lessen. But no. Things have escalated because there is no one around to hear. And I'm not better myself... I crumple under pressure and the imaginary judgement of others. but nowadays instead of meekly taking it, I rebel and strike back. but He really knows how to hurt me. Not physically... anymore. But in every other imaginable way. I walk around eggshells with him and feel like every word out of his mouth will turn nasty. I often retreat as best I can but he goes out of his way to obnoxiously make things difficult for me. Like turning off the wifi, turning lights on while I'm sleeping, refusing to watch our kids if he is in one of his sour moods etc. He calls me lazy but never contributes around the house or with raising the kids anymore. I know he is depressed and angry... a d very narcissistic. He gets it from his psycho deaf mother. But he no longer even tries and states him providing a roof o er our heads IS ENOUGH. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick to my stomach and tired of the trepidation. But I often fantasize about a fire where we are both more mature an the stressful history we endured is wiped clean proving a new start.... a girl can dream..

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      What to do now 13 months ago

      This article is so reflective of my life that I could have written it. I see it's been at least two years since it was published. Has your relationship improved? If yes, what are some of the things you did that helped?

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      Har 14 months ago

      I can relate - I've done the same to my wife, I found meditation and therapy, and now on the other side of the negativity and unhappiness.

      I'be apologized for my past actions. But how long do I suffer/take the brunt of being on the other side of the negativity and unhappiness.

      Thanks for your post.

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      Miss Sery 14 months ago

      when i met my husband 20+yrs ago, i am gentle and kind. we started a relationship when we were in college. my family didn't like him, i got troubles in my studies coz of him.

      then we worked, i could say i was successful, he isn't at all. the more my family didn't agree of him.

      then we got married. realized his family is my biggest nightmare.

      then we had a child. even before we had our first wedding anniversary, he had an affair and he messed up our business. i forgave him. we moved on.

      let me say, he did the same thing several times. he has no job, he mess up our business all the time.

      and for the latest, 4yrs ago, he planned to leave us. his family is even part of it.

      i forgiven him and wanted to start a new life. but since then he changed a lot. he became always angry, the way he talks to me and our child is different, he talks to us as if he has no manners at all. a very bad sample for our growing child who is already a teenager now.

      I have to be as rude as him so i would not explode, i must treat him and talk the way he talks to us so he would realize how bad he is treating us. Though I don't know if he is even aware.

      I assume that he mught have been so inlove with jis latest affair that he becama angry and sad inside that's why we are now suffering with the way treats us.

      i need your help, what sould i do now. i am unhappy and i am worried for our child. I don't want to be angry my whole life just to survive. I don't want to be like him. i am fed up.

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      Louise 14 months ago

      He sounds quiet a bit like you did actually. I wish he would find a way into some reading ;)

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      Louise 14 months ago

      I don't know which one of us started the cycle. I grew up with a mother who is emotionally abusive. I would try to get away and she would come after spitting out insults about the things she knew hurt me the most. I remember sitting in the corner sometimes just sitting with my hands over my hears while she hurtled insults at me. My father was extremely peaceful...avoidant...passive. I think I take after him until I'm pushed and pushed and then i just feel this feeling that I felt when my mom was yelling at me.....I can't take it anymore. I snap.

      My husband is...very proud...very particular about what he likes....very critical. Oh why did I choose someone so similar to my mom? Well...the gist of it is...i run around trying to do little things that I know he will appreciate...only he doesn't. He just searches for something else which isn't perfect. So i run myself through the loop before he comes home.....JUST as i did with my mother. And then I walk on eggshells when he comes around....and when he begins to criticize me...its in such a condescending way..He will tell me every time i cook to wash my hands first, but I always do! It's as if he doesn't even think im capable of menial tasks....He works a lot and I work less so I clean most of the time...and he doesn't even pick up his tissues...he just drops them wherever he is and leaves them there...for weeks if i don't do anything. I used to store this stuff up inside of me for weeks until he would laugh at me or criticize, and then I would blow a fuse. Like...i just can't. I have never felt so ridiculous. I began to hate myself. When he makes fun of me, he says things like, "how can you be so dumb?" I can't be around someone like that and believe anything about love. And there is the added feeling of being completely alone because both of us are living in a country other than our own. All I want in that moment is for someone to just be quiet with and hug or calm down........to just not feel so far away from my family all for the sake of being with someone who doesn't respect me. Last year, in october, i burnt out. I had become a perfectionist. In January, he "broke up" with me. We are married. You can't just break up. He's so egotistical..he didn't think of a single logistical/practical aspect. He just assumed he would keep the apartment because he earns more money. IN an eerily similar way as you, I found emotional intelligence courses, and a ridiculous amount of ways to work through these things practically....books worked well as it was difficult to see a therapist where i live.....I decided I had nothing to lose. I would move out.....by this time, i was kind of looking forward to that part.....:( .....give him some space...tell him i agreed with him...and change our relationship all on my own at first if i had to........or I would at least change myself. In the beginning...it was the hardest to bite my tongue.....but i did realize that the one who said the most hurtful things actually loses.....and i saw how that really worked when i stopped insulting him completely. it got easier..now.. my problem is that i sometimes just want to understand when I should just take a break. I have not called him names or insulted him in 6 months. I always try to stay on the topic. I love him ...I just focused on that...even when i thought it was over....i loved him enough to let him go.........and forgiveness.....I also tried meditation for this. When I imagined a light over my heart...i just began sobbing. But it did help immensely to forgive him and remember who we were when we married. Now I try to think about that when we fight. It's been six months and although he sometimes explodes over the tiniest things faster than ever....i have stopped taking it so personally. I see that he's behaving like someone who is hurt....who is perhaps insecure. He just can't even begin to understand it. He's REALLY skeptical about counseling and pretty much every experience that everyone in the past has already had like this. We are still together. He's calmed down the last couple of months. He will give me credit for half a second, but then he's patting himself on the back as well........and i still feel alone. I walk the really fine line every day between trying to bite my tongue....and setting boundaries for things i can't accept. I hope it continues to work. It feels like one wrong step and I'm back two steps. I need my time alone to recharge for our next time together. Nothing makes me feel more hopeless than a failure. At this point, it sometimes feels more painful than giving up.

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      Zee 15 months ago

      I understand how your wife feels. I am married to a beast of a m an luke you.

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      Mark 15 months ago

      Women all turn that way once you have kids. if your not pissed they are . I don't deal with it . I don't start fights I don't argue and I don't care what my wife does wrong so if she brings it to me I tell her to not start it . And if she continues I'll leave . I don't have a clue why men decide to even deal with the hassle of living with someone else. I am always much more peaceful alone . I'm a peaceful loving person and I always seem to get women who A. Feel like you owe them something. B. feel like they know more about what you should be doing than you do. C. Are a constant distraction to anything progressive u may have planned. D. feel as if they need to know how much money you have and what your doing with it . As if your deducting it from their account.

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      Jenvu 16 months ago

      Wow....it's amazing story.

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      tadasland 17 months ago from San Jose, CA

      Oh no, I like it Kit. Never a boring day.

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      Kit 17 months ago

      She put up with your crap for years. Now you get a taste of your own medicine and you don't like it?

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      tadasland 20 months ago from San Jose, CA

      Mollyowl, I can only return the compliment on the level of self-reflection on your side. It is rare these days for both partners to take responsibility for their relationship and practice mindfulness moving forward. You know, I admit I'm not perfect but I also say that I strive to be and I don't allow my "imperfections" to be an excuse for poor behavior. I've accepted high standards of functioning as a human being and that is what I aspire to live up to. Whether that ever happens before I run our of life force in this body is a completely other matter. :-) This path of inner growth and transformation we walk alone, no matter whether we have good partners or not. So that is how I see it now - I have to be good, do good, and whether she's on-board or is willing to see the world the way I do is no longer a deep longing. It definately seems that when we're patient and feel good then no one can rattle us. On the other hand, if we're easily rattled then we must admit it comes from inside, from our inner world and I truly believe that we must always bear responsibility for how we feel and view the world. Having said that I know I'd have my limits of verbal abuse that I could stomach and would not be able to tolerate them for long. Perhaps I'm not there yet, especially when I'm not so holly myself. :-) I hope you find some answers and find "workable" and acceptable communication with your hubby. As long as you still love and need each other there are ways to work it out, don't you think?

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      Molly L 20 months ago from Monterey, CA

      Excellent levels of self reflection here, it's rare to see articles like this and I'm glad you were courageous and posted in it non-anonymously. Its amazing the way relationships can change us if we aren't mindful and right now I'm working on being mindful in each moment. I'm seeing how much of a monster wife I've been in the past few years (married for 7). It's important to see the patterns but also to take responsibility for becoming something I never wanted to be. I first began suspecting I'd taken on some habits when I started using some of his aggressive phrases almost subconsciously. I was shocked but couldn't help it. The level of criticism in my marriage is extremely high and wore down a lot of my self esteem, but I'm learning to recoupe it and not to take things personally. More and more I'm trying to bring the focus back on myself and make the changes necessary to leave a healthier, happier life. I am challenged in that there seems to be little/no desire to take responsibility on his side. We explored couples counseling and the therapist even commented that he'd rather point out what was wrong with me than own his stuff. So, I wonder what capacity there is for change and realistically, whether that will happen. All I can do is focus on getting myself where I want to be and living how I want to live.

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      tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA

      Good job Chito - first step taken. Would you mind sharing how you are planning to go about it?

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      chito ybarra 2 years ago

      a lot u say is true im the bad person in our relationship im burning my wife out she is akind woman lady & wife i need the help to keep our marage together

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      tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA

      A bit assumptive on the disorder side, no? :-) OK I won't argue, it is true - the ego is at fault, it always is. I am going to turn myself around, and I am going to turn her around the best I can. If all goes well and we both dare to work on our development we'll die a happy couple, having realized that the ultimate happiness is not in the human relationship but in the companionship of seeking the absolute truth.

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      Unhappy in marriage 2 years ago

      You have narcissistic personality disorder and your wife was a victim of your ego. Now that you are turning yourself around she has no choice but to play out the years of trauma you inflicted on her. She doesn't understand that you caused her years of abuse by your ego.

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      tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA

      Oops, you see Melissa, this really happens - anger is contagious. Listen, you don't have to live like this. I found we mirror each other's behavior when we're not mindful of our own feelings and views. You can still interrupt this cycle by starting to make some changes. I mean its quite evident - when we get all steamed up we hurt ourselves more than the other person. It doesn't make much sense to get sucked into the endless negativity loops. Trust me, you are still a fun loving, caring and sensitive lady, however all of it has been covered up. All you need to do is to polish that diamond mind of yours and it will shine again. We can not choose what people say to us but we CAN choose how we take it. If you could introduce some mindfulness about these things and learn more on how to steady yourself into a calmer state, the old Melissa will come out shining again. Much courage to you.

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      Melissa 2 years ago

      My husbands smart ass and sarcastic attitude has turned me into a monster. I find it difficult to even be around him now. We fight everyday and I break things. I recently smashed the new tv he bought, because he smashed mine years ago. The insults he gave me have burned me and now I insult him just for fun. I compare him to his deceased father. I can't believe that I used to be fun loving, and sensitive. Now I'm a monster who can't remember what it's like being happy. He burned me years ago

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      Max Dalton 3 years ago from Greater St. Louis, Missouri

      Good hub. Unlike your wife, mine has been angry from the moment I met her, but I'm passive, and so I think early on we balanced each other out. Now that we've been married for a few years and we've introduced kids into the mix, we have considerably less patience for each other. As a case in point, I wrote a blog about how she almost killed our paperboy because the poor kid was a day late: http://www.simplemanssurvivalguide.com/2011/05/wor...

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      kellyLR4964 3 years ago from Crestview, Florida

      I bounce things off of my sister-in-law. Sadly she lives in GA, so we don't get to see each other often. She is married to my husband's middle brother. Thankfully he seems to be coming out of some things. My husband's younger brother has some issues also, but doesn't seem to be as bad as my husband. I must warn you, I am very much a conservative. ;)

      I got to go on my first trip ever to Ca this year. My husband had a business trip to San Diego in May, and he wanted me to go with him. It was beautiful but crowded. I was glad to get back to the panhandle of Fl.

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      tadasland 3 years ago from San Jose, CA

      Kelly, Type A/Type B combo is probably THE reason why you stayed in the relationship all these years in the first place! :-) I hardly ever see couples with same type of personality, they just don't last for various reasons. Also, my own experience tells me it is much easier for us Type As to slow down than for the Type B's to speed up so to speak. It does feel good to have someone to talk to about this, for me too. :-)

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      kellyLR4964 3 years ago from Crestview, Florida

      Ty Tad. Sometimes talking to others it the best therapy. You then realize you are not alone; that other spouses are 'weird'. As I said, I too have my quirks. Amazingly we have been married going on 28 years, so we have put up with quite a bit of BS (Bologna Sandwich. That's what we call BS in our home since we have little ones there. lol ) in our family. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful man. The older I get, I'm 50 next year, the more I come into my own and realize I do not have to do things his way, not that I ever really did. lol Sometimes I believe that is a source of strife for us, me deciding to do things my way instead of his. When I do get angry, I let him know how I feel, and will be quite for a while, but never play the no talking for extended time, or no sex games. We believe in not going to bed angry. I really feel sorry for him since he's so type A and I'm more type B, but he is the only one that can change that. You are correct in saying, I am the only one that can change me.

      I am a Christian, and what gets us though is prayer and knowing God is there and is able to help us through all situations and that I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. :D I pray one day he will relax.

      Again, thank you and I will keep in touch. Have a wonderful new year.

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      tadasland 3 years ago from San Jose, CA

      Kelly, I don't even know where to start. :-) Honestly, I have a bit of your husband and a bit of you in me so I can relate but there so many parts to this scenario you described, it would take a good therapist weeks to untangle.

      Its great you have a good and honest overview of the issues at hand. First is your husband's anal nature, and second your own reaction to it. From what you're telling me about your man (is not open to looking into his behavior), there is only one thing you can truly change - that is your own response to his anal nature. I am going though exact same thing with my wife too - sometimes I think she wakes up to drive me mad with her neuroses about other people's opinions and her understanding of extreme "cleanliness" around the house. We too argue and disagree quite often and I too get sarcastic simply not to go absolutely mad. She's an extreme perfectionist and I'm a devoted pragmatist. :-) This is a never ending battle and I realized we'll never change each other's view, we'll only learn to live with it. So what I'm doing I'm learning to relate to the entire situation from a different perspective. I believe you too can draw your boundaries as to what you feel is the right thing to do in every situation according to You and stick with it. Your husband is being too anal and asking you to do unreasonable things? Politely decline and go about your business. Seriously, I don't see anything wrong with it. It is much better than arguing and explaining why you won't do it or even laugh at his request. When I do this to my wife, she grumbles and then just goes on about her business. She's not vindictive in that respect so I'm kind of lucky there. I know some ladies who try to punish their husbands but not talking for days or avoiding intimacy which I think is the stupidest, immature thing one can do.

      If your hubby won't go to concealing then go without him. It'll help yu to have someone to talk to about this face to face. If you go to all the details with your therapist perhaps you'll find some ways to adopt a different mindset around the entire situation. But for now, since your husband is not willing to change then just look at him the way the doctor would look at a patient. I know, I know… its crazy but usually that's what happens in families with mentally unstable individuals - the entire family is in therapy except for the person who needs it most. :-)

      What helps me a lot is reading many positive books. I'm into Tibetan Buddhism so some of those teachings are extremely good food for the soul. Many times my mind is so saturated with positive impressions I can put up with way more BS than someone who doesn't read. Good, positive books are a huge moral booster.

      Much strength and patience for you. Keep in touch and check in once in a while. Maybe we can chew this elephant one bite at a time together. :-)

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      kellyLR4964 3 years ago from Crestview, Florida

      I just finished reading http://hubpages.com/@tadasland

      I am a 'frankenstein' wife of a wonderful (when he's not being anal) husband. We have been married almost 28 years. We have 3 wonderful daughters who have also become 'monsters' when dealing with their father. Our son-in-law (our daughter and he lives with us, along with our granddaughters), seems to also at times, becoming a 'monster'. He loves his granddaughters (1 and 2) and is not angry with them at all.

      My husband has horribly high expectations and I suspect either OCD or bi-polar tendencies thanks to his own father. I am coming to my wits end and do not know what to do. Our daughters love him as do I, but there is a wedge driven in our hearts every time his anger flairs. My husband sees everything as a 5 alarm fire. The kids and I are much more laid back, so we do not see the 'fires' that he does. Example: He will constantly bring up something he wants done until we all finally wind up angry and yelling at him . It's not that we do not want to please him or that we do not see the issue. We are able to put the issue into real terms and put a priority on the 'problem'. If the blinds are not to his liking, he complains about it. if the car is not parked 'correctly' we all hear about it. The girls and I know not to 'tell daddy' about some things. We need help but he does not see the problem. If I try to tell him he/we need help, he tells me I am the one who needs the help. He 'hovers' over us to make sure we do something 'right' (cooking, parking). It's so much more relaxing when he's not home. I love him dearly and almost lost him to a battle of cancer a few years ago. I don't want a new husband, I want him, but want him to be calm and rational. I know his issues are not helping him health wise as i'm sure they do not help any of us. I have suggested counseling, but he doesn't believe he needs it. My husband has 3 brothers, and they all have issues like him, but since he's the oldest, I believe he may have more issues then they. I am totally willing to look at what role I play that may be wrong. One fault I have is a sarcastic mouth which I really want to work on, but it just comes out when things start up.

      I am so worn out and exhausted from putting out 'fires', concerned for our 3 girls (22, 18 and 15) b/c though they love their father, they do not want to be close to him, I have a great relationship with them. I am not an angry person unless I am battling him. I also need help to know how to deal with a disagreeable spouse.

      'Pulling my hair out'

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      tadasland 3 years ago from San Jose, CA

      Hi Dashingscorpio, thank you for thoughts. You bring up interesting points. She sure asked me to change but I didn't know how, I thought it was my personality (my father shared very similar temperament). I doubt she liked the friction but perhaps she got used to it at some point and made peace with the fact that this is our life. Also I don't really feel like her victim here, more like a victim of my own creation. :-) I'm just hoping it'll take years of good behavior on my part in order for her to "re-wire." I'm really hoping.

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      dashingscorpio 3 years ago

      When we change our circumstances change.

      It's also possible your wife married you knowing exactly how you were. She was use to having the friction and when you became peaceful it was up to her to keep what she was used to having alive.

      You didn't mention whether or not she ever asked you to "change". If she didn't there is a chance she was okay with you being you.

      Your statement:

      "I must give my wife more credit because obviously she is more tired due to her demanding schedule of being a mom. She has even less time for her own mental health but I know she’ll come around..."

      This sounds very much like statements abused victims use to excuse their abuser's behavior as they convince themselves to stay in an unhappy marriage.

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

      - Oscar Wilde