How I Broke My Wife and Turned Her Against Me

Updated on July 2, 2018
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As I write this, I’m worried my wife is broken. Our relationship is in great peril, because of the things that I have done to her since the start of our marriage.

You see, I used to be one of those men who always enjoyed pointing out faults in others. I just couldn’t help it; my mind was on autopilot. It became an instinct, an instant reaction to something someone else said. All I saw was people’s imperfections. My remarks were often cunningly sarcastic, blunt, and venomous. I took pride in my sharp intelligence and deep insight into everyone's "stupidity." It was part of my identity. It had become so ingrained in my personality that it was difficult for me to stop doing it: I found such perverse pleasure in acting that way towards others, it became too intoxicating.

Why Is My Wife Always Angry?

After going through all of these difficulties with my wife, I realized there were a couple of big reasons that she became angry with me as a result of my actions.

  • Under-Appreciated: I never complimented my wife or made her feel special, all I did was push her away. Treating her like this only drove her farther away from me, and it made her feel underappreciated in the relationship. I didn't treat her with the respect she deserved. I
  • Being Taken Advantage of: I used my wife as an emotional crutch, and I threw all of my problems on her. I took advantage of our emotional intimacy and lashed out at her, making her feel like she was the cause of the problems in our marriage.
  • Being Controlled: My wife felt like she had no say in the relationship, so she felt helpless and powerless to make decisions. She knew that I would say harsh things to her if she went against my desires. I felt that by lashing out at her and pushing her buttons, that gave me more power and control in the relationship, which was wrong.
  • Ignored: Throughout all of this, I ignored the emotional needs of my wife, I refused to listen to her and instead berated her for speaking out. I realize now that doing something like that made her feel ignored and it only served to cause a greater rift to form between us.

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How I Ruined My Wife

When I first met my wife she struck me as the most gentle and kind lady I had ever met. Her feminine and soft qualities were intoxicating to my deep-rooted cynicism and amour-propre. It was a perfect case of “opposites attract.”

Even though I was a bit of a jerk with a heavy luggage of smart-ass arguments she fell for my otherwise joyful nature and my good sense of humor. All was fine and dandy for a couple of years, but then things started changing.

I don’t know if you experienced this, but there seems to be some universal curse about this type of thing happening eventually. Some of the things that you initially adore about your partner tend to transform into irritants that drive you absolutely mad years later. Isn’t it funny how this happens? The very qualities that made you fall in love end up being the ones that make you fall out of love.

Anyway, I had my own skeletons in the closet. Little did my wife know that my mood could flip faster than an old maid chasing a bridal bouquet. If my wife managed to push my proverbial buttons, I would lash out at her with the utmost insolence. I mean I would furiously bulldoze her "arguments" using the most sensitive aspects of her psyche. This was something that I instinctually started doing to my wife whenever we would get into arguments, even though I would feel terrible about it afterward.

Often, that experience would leave both of us incredibly shaken. It was an awful, embarrassing, and cowardly way to deal with personal arguments. Possibly, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

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I Tried Changing My Attitude to Be More Positive

God only knows why she spent those years with me so I can only speculate. Could it be that her love was stronger than my poison? Could it be that she was too attached and too insecure to make the right decision? Or perhaps there was a case of a victim mentality subconsciously feeding off of the aggressor in me? Perhaps there's no clear answer, and perhaps there's a bit of everything.

Things began changing when I started having an existential crisis at age twenty-eight. I started reading a lot about the nature of mind, after death experiences, and so on. As my knowledge and understanding grew so did my questions about more profound aspects of life. Spiritual literature from Eastern Philosophy turned into lessons of unrivaled psychology. My worldview changed and my newly acquired insights inspired me to learn meditation. It was the start of a process of refocusing my energies into a more positive direction.

Three or four years passed and without even noticing I started treating people, including my wife, very differently. As I slowly learned to manage my energies and my mind, I became more tolerant, patient, and relaxed. My fiery temperament and arrogance were melting away and being replaced by the sheer joy of newly-found skills of self-control.

I thought to myself, “Finally, my life and relationships will only improve from now on.” Little did I know the damage I caused in the past will come back to haunt me when I least expected it. As my demeanor was changing from a prideful lion into a domesticated cat, my wife’s emotional wounds were only starting to grow some monstrous fangs.

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The Damage Was Already Done

My wife was more and more irritable, nagging and unhappy. She would unwittingly use my exact same verbiage and tactics from the past to punch me below the waistline. Having fully realized my spiritual ambitions, she knew she could wage a full out verbal assault. She knew I would no longer retaliate, so she was free to slowly and painfully exact her revenge.

It was mean stuff. Even she admitted to being baffled as to the source of her demeanor, but that didn’t stop her from further driving a wedge between us. She knew it was a mistake, but she couldn’t help it, the cyclonic forces within her were too strong. Much like I use to be, my wife had fallen prey to the intoxicating high of lashing out and putting someone down. After years of having the same thing done to her, she couldn't help herself but turn the tables on me.

One day, following an honest retrospection, it hit me: my wife has turned into me from years ago. I am the true architect of this walking Frankenstein that I could no longer recognize or relate to.

We’ve had many healing conversations since but we've come to realize that words leave the deepest scars. Our baby daughter has brought us closer, but I feel some of our ill habits remain.

I must give my wife more credit because obviously, she is more tired due to her demanding schedule of being a mom. She has even less time for her own mental health, but I know she’ll come around, especially if I accept the burden of my own creation and keep cool. It is hard work, and I wish healing for both of us were a faster process, but it is what it is. We must face it and live with it.

I would like to encourage all men to do everything in their power not to make my mistakes. But most importantly, I invite you all to be patient with your ladies when they turn into you years later. Many times their behavior is nothing but a reflection of our own previous actions. They deserve to be loved and forgiven now more than ever.

How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship

After this experience with my wife, I realized the need to maintain a healthy relationship. Here are some steps that I have found helpful.

  • Admit Your Faults: It's totally ok to admit to your spouse that you were wrong and that you acted inappropriately. None of us are perfect, so you have to own up to your mistakes.
  • Accept Responsibility: You control your actions and your reactions, so you have to be aware of the responsibilities you have in accepting those. Understand what is causing you problems and deal with it.
  • Respect Your Spouse: This is critical, you have to respect your spouse for who they are as a person, and accept the fact that you are two different people who may have disagreements.
  • Fight the Right Way: Disagreements happen in relationships, the important thing to do is to focus on resolving the issue and not letting the argument get petty. Don't go seeking vengeance or trying to bring the other person down.

Can My Marriage Be Saved?

If you are willing to work together with your spouse to figure out a way to fix your problems your marriage can be saved. There are a few things to keep in mind when doing this.

  • Respectfully Listen: It is critical that you understand where your spouse is coming from and that you make an attempt to actively listen to what they are saying.
  • Be Open to New Ideas: Sometimes you realize that the way you were going about things is not the correct way to deal with the situation. Keep an open mind to new ways of working through conflicts with your spouse and accept that you may be in the wrong at certain times.
  • Prioritize Your Marriage: If you are trying to save your marriage, then you have to prioritize time during the week to work out your issues. This can involve going to marriage counseling or trying to just work through your issues between the two of you.
  • Be Patient: It will take some time to fix your marriage, so don't expect that after a few counseling sessions or a few weeks of working on your marital issues that everything will be resolved. It may take a significant amount of time to work out your problems.

Are You Having Trouble?

Let me know if this ever happened to you and how you are managing it the comments section. Also, if you have any advice or criticism for me I'll be happy to hear it.

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© 2013 Mateus Brava

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    • profile image

      Unknown 

      9 days ago

      My husband is this way to me. I actually noticed it 6 months after dating and I broke up with him briefly. He was able to apologize and tell me how much he missed me...which was only out of his own self pity. We’ve been married now for 14 years and have done wonderful things but he has ruined all of it with his horrible personality flaws. He would never! Admit them, never fix them! I even sent him this article to read and he hasn’t said a word. I don’t know if his issues are genetic or if something in his life caused it. He would never say...because he doesn’t see anything wrong. We’ve tried counseling for a second but he would not go. I appreciate your story but I don’t see my husband ever reading it or taking it to heart and doing something about his issues. I am being pushed away but don’t leave because I feel I am somewhat weak but also because I know he has a personality disorder. What really upsets me as all the therapy I went to, none of them had the eagerness to help us. They were awful. So I’m in a unloving distant marriage and the only way I keep going is I’m sane for the most part and a naturally happy person. I’m holding on to that forever!

    • profile image

      9 days ago

      This is exactly my life. I have always been kind, positive and optimistic. I was never the yelling type. My husband is the opposite. He lashes out at me over tiny things, belittles me, screams at me, blames me for all that is wrong, tells me often he doesn’t know why he is with me. Since being with my husband I have become this ugly, hurtful, cruel person who also yells and lashes out. After it happens I think where the hell did that come from. I hate when it happens and I have immediate regret. Yet I stay with him. There’s a love there that I can’t seem to let go of. I consider him my best friend and most days I don’t think he wants to be my friend at all. I feel our relationship is on the verge of ending and that’s the last thing I want. Now it’s to the point where he is so ugly and cruel that I don’t want any intimacy with him and this makes him even angrier. How can I share my most intimate moments with someone who makes me feel so worthless? And the less sex we have, the more he lashes out and the less I want him. We are stuck in this endless cycle and he can’t see that it’s directly related to his behavior. I don’t know what to do anymore.

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      Sandra 

      2 weeks ago

      I love you guys. I have the greatest respect for your journey n wish u the best for the future.unfortunately for me things turned out very very devastating. After years of mental n verbal abuse I had no self respect n dignity n started long distance affair. Very destructive n unlike all that I stand for in life. 6 months ago I confessed and the results were more devastating.he has lost all respect for me and treats me like I'm a nothing. He claims he love me n want us to remain married which is also what I want. But the respect is gone or maybe was never there. As he prioritize his friends over me.it leaves me hurt n very lonely. I regret my transgressions. Only God can forgive me. I'm so very happy that your story had a happy ending. that u guys have found each other.

    • profile image

      DeeDee 

      2 weeks ago

      This is my exact life and Im at the same stage as his wife. I don't know what to do. I love him and at the same time I don't want too. He says horrible things to me and I lashout in kind. We use to be so in love now idk what we are or what we will be again. neither of us wants to let go but I can only speak for myself when I say I cannot live like this anymore.

    • profile image

      2 weeks ago

      I don't know why this post appeared when I was searching Google about my marital problem. This is the situation we are into right now. I allowed him to be so powerful over me. I kept silent all those years, now I am like an erupting volcano. I just feel sorry for my daughter. She doesn't deserve a family such as this one.

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      Anon 

      3 weeks ago

      My husband and I had a baby right out of high school. I lost my scholarships and decided to work instead of staying in school. He joined the sheriffs department and became a drunk. Before all of this the beginning of the relationship was bad. He was rude and mean and never complimented me. Till this day I don’t know why I even was with him, I guess just being young and daddy issues. I was very dumb. So he was already a bad boyfriend. Fast forward back to him being a drunk. We were planning our wedding and he was just completely not present mentally or physically for anything, by this time we had our second baby. He would come home saying how he hated his life and how miserable he was. I tried everything. Sexually, diets, I got a job to help out. Nothing made him happy. Now, I know he was just unhappy with himself. Communication was nonexistent I was always terrified to talk to him

      Because he always Got mad and punch walls and I was scared of him. Then I cheated on him with a woman and I regret it with all my heart. He kicked me and our kids out and after a year and a half I finally gave up trying. Then he wanted me back, by this time I was over it. Over everything. I met someone else and ended up getting pregnant again, he bailed and while this whole time my husband was begging me back knowing I was pregnant. After a while we decided to try and he took my daughter in as his own. But the fighting began. This time I was the mean one and the drunk. I would hit him and he would hit me back. Then the worst night of my life was when we were fighting and he broke my arm. And now I get flashes of anger and hate towards him and he’s a little more patient now but he still snaps back. I’m more open now about my depression and how I feel but it goes unnoticed. I’m just so angry at everything. What I did and what he’s done. And I just don’t know what to do anymore.

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      Graczy17 

      3 weeks ago

      Same situations here. I’m this wife. My husband won’t change anymore, all the cheating, betraying, lies and mentally abused can not change no matter what I do. I wanted to change but I don’t know why I still love him so much after all the horrible things he did in our marriage. After a long time I’ve learned all the bad side of him (except for the cheating of course) I become more angered and lost. I can’t even recognise myself anymore. There is a time I just wanted to end my life but I know this is not the answers and right things to do. I love my life even I always have hard life my whole life. I always find a way to be happy but this time all the pain inside of me is unbearable and unbroken. It’s really hurting me and killing me inside.

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      3 weeks ago

      This is my life. I don't know what to do anymore. I have tried to love but I can't anymore. I have nothing left. I've been told everything in the book. Unimaginable moments locked in my memory forever. I love this man so honestly and he does not deserve it. What is wrong with me?

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      Nicole 

      4 weeks ago

      I've been married for less than a year. We argue what seems to be often. Most of the time it's because I'm trying to talk to him and tell him how I'm feeling. I'm very honest with him. But he is the complete opposite. He's deceiving, he lies, goes behind my back... When arguing he LOVES to belittle me, blame me, and say the meanest things. I'm starting to believe the mean things he says as the actual truth. The emotional abuse has been hell. He believes a man does what ever he wants and has the power in the marriage. He shows no emotions, he's careless, selfish, and more. Sometimes if I mention how I feel he laughs in my face. It's killing me slowly.

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      Struggling2018 

      4 weeks ago

      At least this man realizes his behavior and his abuse created the monster. Mine will never get to that point I’m sure. Everyone has their problems coming in, but when one person allows anger to escalate to abuse on a regular basis it does irreversible damage. My husband has been verbally abusing me, using my deepest insecurities to humiliate me for over 4 years . When he indulges in his anger he tells me I have no value and I should be happy I’m not married to an alcoholic or someone who hits or kills his wife. Wtf ? Now, 5 years into the relationship I can honestly say I no longer see any good in him. All I see are flaws. I don’t say anything nice, I’m not attracted to him anymore, and most days I secretly wish I could go back in time and erase his existence from my life. Years ago when he would unload and tell me he hated me and I was worhelsss I would cry - but now after years of verbal abuse I’m dead inside. He could die in front of me and I wouldn’t shed a tear. He will never take responsibility , he always tells me how lucky I am to have him. The hatred I have towards him is deeper than he will ever know. Yes I criticize him sometimes but it’s onky the tip of the iceberg of how I really feel about him. Men who abuse and cultivate hatred in their wives deserve whatever the wife dishes back to them. If you dish it out guys you better fucking be able to take it, because that shit is coming back to you tenfold.

    • profile image

      Sarah 

      5 weeks ago

      Me my self went through the same thing, and about two years ago till now my husband trying to make everything looks normal again and work on himself BUT it's never feel ok and it's still hurts and I'm copying him and do what he did to me and I hate my self now. I will see therapist soon and I will seek device he doesn't deserve me.

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      Lindsay 

      5 weeks ago

      My husband does this to me. He will always shift the blame on me for whatever arguments he has started. I never go out of the house without him and the kids and when I finally have plans to do so, he manages to start a fight with me about something earlier in the day so he can ruin my joy and excitement. Of course he doesn’t admit he does that, but the fact that it happens every single time is an odd coincidence. We did Mariage counseling for a few months and it helped, but then our counselor stopped taking our insurance so we haven’t been in two months. His weird random anger and fight starting over the smallest things has started again and I now recognize the huge wedge he has created in our marriage. I actually don’t want to spend time with him alone anymore, and I will do anything to avoid his anger.... which means almost avoiding him all together. I can’t live this way and be happy, but no matter how delicately I try to talk to him about it he gets angry instantly and a fight in front of our children always ensues. I love him and I just want “us” back. But I’m tired of feeling alone and lacking in a partner, and always defending myself. I’m just unhappy. I don’t know what to do anymore. Even if I send him a link to this arcticle, he won’t read it. He will just tell me how dumb it is and how it has nothing to do with him or us. Even though it’s almost exactly what he is doing to our marriage....

    • profile image

      Nobody 

      5 weeks ago

      Wife here. This summarizes how I feel like my husband acts historically to me... And now I'm just a miserable human being around him because I only want to do the same behaviors to him that made me feel so awful. It's destroying our marriage.

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      Same 

      5 weeks ago

      I can relate to this in some ways. I wasn't easy to get a long with, and I was the one who escalated the verbal fights into nuclear territory only to have to have it fly back in my face. At the same time, she refused to recognize her own bad habits. I'll miss the woman I met, and may God forgive me for contributing to her loss. Nothing left but ghosts and shadows that hauntingly replay through my mind.

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      David Brett 

      5 weeks ago

      As I read through it all, which includes all who identified themselves as the wife or husband in the situation, it is apparent that it’s all just human.

      However, it is only being suggested here that turning to God would be a healing experience. The holy word of God is for rep re-proof.

      Such marital/social situations are just erroneous as we mentally and emotionally go through life. Human relationships no matter how close it can be, can result in separatism for several reasons and simply even if the vibration of two individuals doesn’t exist considering the backgrounds, mindset and related factors.

      But embarking on the prospect of reading the spoken word can be enriching as it emits a balm to the mind and soul, so to say, and understanding enhances, dissolving the bad tase, memories and living demons of the mind.

      But then again, one has to know about going about or initiating the study of Gods word.

      Otherwise, the remorse and mental demons will remain with us till the grave and as long as we harbour, resentment, intent of suicidal options and wallowing in self pity and the greatest ongoing disappointments, dissatisfaction and never ending depression of life.

      Try it out, not once but again and again since the only need and relief from such worldly hatred is as simple as the very word is. - OVERCOME!

      The holy word will spur one and all into overcoming. On this journey too, after a while, backsliding does occur which the word also explains, and also guides in overcoming!

      Consistency of purpose and continually remaining in the study, adopting its precepts and desire to remove the resentment of the present situation and circumstances is the answer my brothers and sisters

    • profile image

      Marie85 

      6 weeks ago

      Reading this is like reading about my own married life with my husband, he sees all my past wrongs and shoves it in my face during minor or big arguments, I feel I'm never good enough he has been caught not full filling our sacred wedding vows and has hurt me beyond words and he has never said sorry and thinks it is stupid because he excuses my feelings because he says I'm too emotional, I don't feel he even sees me anymore, he used to be so sweet loving and caring and now I feel he could care less if I stayed or left. My heart hurts now for a long long time and I can't take it he won't do counseling he won't talk because I'm nagging and says I'm never happy but yet I still love him. He says I'm not who I used to be in the beginning and I know I'm not because truly I'm not happy anymore if he were to be the man he veiled to be in the beginning to get me to fall for him I would be happy and the person I used to be, I don't even recognize me anymore

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      Liz 

      6 weeks ago

      Oh please, no one ever really changes. He sounds like a malignant narcissist, that’s a personality disorder that CAN NOT be fixed, run, just run....

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      A nony mouse 

      6 weeks ago

      AS sorry many men do not appreciate the level of work involved in having a baby. My child had trouble feeding and as I was no longer working, I took the brunt of the childcare, housekeeping and night feeds. My now ex husband, would come in from work about 5;30, barely say hello and disappear upstairs to spend the evening on the computer. He even ate his dinner in front of the computer. We pretty much had separate lives, with me too tired to object. Needless to say he was having an affair and it was the beginning of the end.

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      D.W. 

      7 weeks ago

      As a wife, I really wish men would read this. We do this unintentionally, but you are the cause of it. Both partners need not to do this and neither spouse will be miserable, especially the wife

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      Stand tall 

      7 weeks ago

      I feel the same..

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      Cakefacebitch 

      7 weeks ago

      Thank you for sharing this with such honesty. I can relate as a female who has started doing the exact things to my boyfriend that he has been doing to me for the past few years that have hurt me so badly that I'm afraid I will never ever heal from. He has been physically abusive and as a result I hate and resent him for it. Lately I become so angry that I just want to hurt him physically. He will say something so hurtful and I will lunge toward him and grab onto his arm, at the same time trying to hold back with all my might. Me grabbing and squeezing his arm results in him grabbing me or choking me and to try to get him off of me I will dig my nails into his arm. After doing that he usually pushes me really hard and i fall backwards to the floor, or fall back into something. The thing is he keeps saying that I'm so violent and abusive. Yet, I'd never put my hands on him if I wasn't so hurt and angry for him doing it to me. Especially after him knowing I was in a physically abusive relationship for years in the past. He would always say how he couldn't believe the guy would do such things, but he does the same things! I know I am in control of my actions and reactions and I can't blame him for my feelings or emotions but like I said, if he hadn't been putting his hands on me for the past 4 years, I would never have started to become physical. The thing is, I can usually hold back. But just me grabbing his arm make it okay in his mind to do other things that I feel are no comparison. Or if I throw something at him, and not very hard because I am by no means strong or have a good aim/arm, he will throw it back ten times harder. When these things happen he gets so angry and leaves my house, but when he did things to me in the past I never left although I should have. He always tries to justify or excuse the times he's pushed, punched, choked, grabbed, and thrown things at me. But when I do something physical but slight and am able to stop he says things that make me out to be this violent awful person that I'm not. He is. What is the purpose of choking someone other than to kill them? You choke to restrict the airway, which makes the person unable to breathe and eventually can kill them. He says he was restraining me. But i wasn't doing anything, I didn't need to be restrained. And that's not how you restrain someone. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to die. So I guess the next time he chokes me I'll just let it happen and won't try to fight it.

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      AS 

      8 weeks ago

      Great read, and thank you for sharing your insight. As a wife, I feel like this is us, but a little different. I finally hit a level of indifference and lowered my expectations to nothing. Now, that seems to be causing just as many problems. I do what's required of me to take care of our baby and to meet the demands of my career. Then I take care of the house, and what's left goes into either him or me, but sadly, not "us". But this change in priority came after I was tired of being on the backburner. Now, I fear I have my husband feeling that way... he's the one tired of not being a priority. It's a mutual respect our marriage lacks. But in my state of indifference, I am appearing unhappy. I am not unhappy, just getting done what I need to do before I wake up and do it again tomorrow....

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      John Doe 

      2 months ago

      I’m the husband in this article. I met a woman who was easy to talk to. We had fun and things moved fast. I felt compassion towards her and her daughter who’s father abondoned. We learn from our environment about relationships. We both were from broken families. Her mom was a drug addict and was raised by her brother. My parents were divorced and my step dad was verbally abuaive when he got drunk. My mom was critical of everything I did. I was an expert on picking on flaws and being critical. I found and picked all her flaws trying to initially escape from the relationship when my mother got me a date with another woman. I dated the other woman two times and it didn’t go anywhere. My girlfriend at the time was pregnant with our daughter. It was a defining moment. It was either go all in or walk alway. I went in all the way I knew how to. We had a little boy together when she was staying with me in another state when I was working a job for a year. She changed and became a different person. She took credit out in my name and bought things and I told her that wasn’t okay. We came back home and I was out of state working a job and realized I’m going to loose my family if I don’t come home. I prayed to God that he would provide employment at home. A couple weeks later I found a local job by the house. She was used to doing her own thing. I was told I needed to go back on the road because I screwed up their routine. I just wanted to come home and enjoy my wife and kids. I would come home to eat dinner by myself and the wife would sit on the porch on Facebook and jacking around on her phone. It was like she was done with the kids and needed a break so it was my job after coming home to take care of both kids and get them to bed. Around Christmas time credit cards showed up in my name and I told her again, it isn’t okay. Told her we needed counseling but it went ignored. I told her her poor financial decisions was hurting our family and took a bank account and started giving her an allowance because I could not trust her to be responsible. She hasn’t had a problem getting into my online accounts for banking & appleID. I could not trust her to take ownership. She carries all these hurts from childhood and holds onto all the hurts from my screwups. I tried to get us to start going to church as a family and she resisted. I went and took the kids with me for a while. It got to a breaking point when things got really bad during an argument and the police got called. I care and want to do the right thing but it takes two people in agreement moving in the same direction. I didn’t want divorce. I wanted to have my kids see what a healthy marriage looked like. I don’t want them to learn the habits of a dysfunctional marriage.

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      2 months ago

      This post is how I feel. I have sacrificed my soul and heart .... to make my husband somewhat I better man. The anger gets the best of me now towards him , which I dispise in myself. I am ultimately accountable for what I say and do. All the hateful things he’s said and done has taken its toal on me .

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      brokenspirit 

      2 months ago

      As many wives have stated, when I shared this article with my husband it enraged him. So much so that I wish I had never said anything. I was 17 when I met my husband and we married a year later. We’ve been married for almost 9 years and have 2 beautiful little boys. I loved him with every ounce of my being. He rescued me from a very abusive childhood and he protected me and gave me strength. No matter the situation, I was always a very fun, outgoing, easy spirited girl with a positive outlook. For the past few years, I haven’t been able to look at myself in the mirror because I no longer recognize myself. I can’t even enjoy the good times because I know they aren’t going to last. I sit in tears wondering what I have done to ruin our marriage. What I did to make him hate me so much. I don’t understand how someone you love can make you feel so horrible. I feel like I’m not good enough for him, our children or anyone. My sense of self worth and imaged is gone. I hate myself more than what is happening to my marriage. I feel as if I am the reason for everything falling apart. My boys don’t respect me. They often give me attitude and ask me why I’m so sad all the time. I hate the person I’ve become and at this point I don’t think I’ll ever find the woman I used to be.

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      Here 

      2 months ago

      I'm the wife in this, because I know my husband will never read anything like this and I'm tired of him ignoring me. I'm tired of him ignoring my emotions, my emotional needs, and getting angry and being rude when I voice it. Too many of us women put up with this type of behavior because we can't do anything about it. I love him. I do. He's great except when I try to get him to see his faults and I'm tired of fixing it on my own. That's the only thing making me feel terrible. There are only very few moments like this. But when they happen I feel torn up. I hate it when he gets like this. Like everything he does isn't what I say it is. And he gets rude. I'm not innocent in it either. I'm rude too. But he doesn't realize the things he does hurt me. And that hurts me more. Sure I hurt him too. I admit it. His problem is never admitting to his faults. He says sorry so often it has lost its luster. And I tell him. I don't want to hear "I'm sorry" without an action. But he refuses that he isn't doing anything wrong.

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      bknight 

      2 months ago

      im the wife in this as well. I was so upbeat. and he has broken me. only i am too poor to even consider leaving. im stuck. the only way out i have would leave my daughter to be raised by him, and I would never want that for her in a million years. I wish every day that I never met him or I could get myself out of this. I fear my only option would put me straight in hell. I would never see my child again.

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      Jeenksb 

      2 months ago

      See my last comment. It appears as if you added a bit to what I originally read. I cry just reading the article and comments. I applaud and admire your efforts but as my last comment states, even having my husband read this brought out his Mr Hyde. I keep asking him why he even stays with me. He clearly doesn't like anything about me. Oh well, I will soon be leaving and it breaks my heart.

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      Cypress 

      2 months ago

      I am going through this right now with my husband. He just keeps saying the hurtfull things , ive told him not to & why & what its doing. He gets mad at me with all blame because he is never wrong & i question him because his stories never match up with his words.

      Help what do i do to make him stop.

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      Itdoesntmatter 

      2 months ago

      I’m the wife in this story. I used to be this happy, positive person. I loved life and had no trouble dealing with life’s hardships. Until I met my husband. He has always been this grumpy, negative person and initially I had no trouble with it, my skin seemed to be thick enough. Until it started to crack my skin. The constant negativity, nagging, criticism, cheating, lying and drug abuse started to break me down. I started to resent him, hate him, wanting to hurt him with my words. Now I can’t even look at him anymore without hate boiling inside me. And it’s all sadness. It isn’t true hate, it’s intense sadness. Sadness for the loss of connection, sadness for missed opportunities. My heart gets broken over and over again and I keep trying to pick up the pieces and glue them back together. Now that my husband seems to really try at times, I can’t see it anymore. All I see is the bad things. The hurt, the lies. It goes well for a week or two and then he’ll fall back in his old ways. I’m miserable and so angry that I can’t rezognize myself anymore. I’m not this person. But I can’t seem to find the real me anymore. I’m afraid this marriage is broken beyond repair.

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      MrRico 

      2 months ago

      waistline*

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      A.S. 

      3 months ago

      Was this article really written by a man? Or a woman?

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      ANON187 

      4 months ago

      Good read. You see I'm in somewhat a similar position.

      I'm a man who chose to marry the person I believed was the love of my life. we've been married for 1.5 years and have been together as a whole for 4 years. I loved this woman with every molecule of my body and tried my very best to be there for her through thick and thin. I've known the woman since she was a 12 year old girl, she was my best friend for 8 years before getting together. Her upbringing wasn't the best and she never really had any role models to look up to, so I was always there for her even prior to our intimate relationship.

      Long story short, we got together and I couldn't be happier - a week into the relationship I realised how troublesome she could be, but reassured her we would work through all of her issues no matter the cost. I loved her unconditionally and my loyalty never strayed once in any capacity. Once she was sure i loved her unconditionally, we began getting into arguments daily. she hurled abuse at me, compared me to other men, told me she would "f*** other people", shared our issues with her family who discriminated against me due to me ethnicity (which is obviously out of my power), and left me whenever she had the chance to. The saddest part in this is, for the first 2.5 - 3 years of the relationship, I constantly apologised for both of our wrong doings just to smooth things over, unbeknownst to me I was actually reinforcing her negative behavior and empowering her sense of entitlement. I would never react to her abuse, even when it was physical. I would literally wait until I was alone and cry, as said as it sounds. Now keep in mind i'm 6ft 4' grown man who is of a strong build, I would've never let anyone else violate me to the extent she did without a reaction. I had warned her on many times that she is pushing me away and that one day I wouldn't be able to uphold my "sweetness" and passivity when being taken advantage of as such.

      I did everything for her and her family, despite the abuse and discrimination from them. There was nothing I wouldn't do for them. I built relationships with their younger siblings to the point they started referring to me as their favorite uncle.

      Stupidly, I decided to marry this woman. Prior to the marriage we attempted to set out ground rules. I would never set rules for people that I wouldn't abide by myself. These rules were more codes of conduct to ensure the sanctity of the marriage. I was young and flourishing in my career, funded her entire life style and put food in her and her families mouths. Unfortunately the derogatory behavior didn't change. The issues continued and I snapped. I didn't care to be the sweet, "ass licking", apologetic, soft man I had been as I didn't see any change over the course of 3 years. I began loosing my cool often. She knew how to push me buttons and manipulate me and did so at every given opportunity regardless of how I felt. She planted seeds of insecurity and distrust within me and watered them on a daily basis. Through all of this, my loyalty or love never changed. within 6 months of being married, we had some pretty intense argument which resulted in her physically attacking me, disappearing on regular intervals and threatening to commit suicide. I left my well paying job due to stress and depression and things have been going downhill for me since. I chased and chased and always managed to calm the situation, even though i was angry. Unfortunately her behaviors didn't change. She began lying to me about the smallest of things and continued to play on my insecurities which she purposely instilled within me. I'm a person who allows and promotes mistakes, as long as we can talk about them and learn from them. She couldn't do that, and persisted to lie. My anger levels have gone through the roof and I can't tell whether I love her or hate her more. I hate myself for putting up with it for so long. We are now distant by her request, and she blames me because I've changed within the last year; unfortunately, she's too ignorant to take responsibility for her actions which sparked and nurtured the change within me. I don't recognise myself anymore. I don't recognise her. It hurt so much when comparing the person she really is with the person she perceived herself to be. I have invested everything into her and my marriage, and left myself with nothing.

      I can only see divorce on the table at the moment. I plan to fade away in the background, forget this all, take whatever lessons I can from it and start again. I have tried to reconcile with her, but her ignorance prevails. it has come to the point where I'm unsure whether I want to reconcile with her or not, but my innate caring nature wants to make things right. Honestly, I am unsure as to whether I will ever be able to forgive her and get over the hurt she has caused. She has ruined me.

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      Isobella B 

      4 months ago

      This was me. He almost destroyed me and our three children. I was with him for 25 years, married for 22+ years. I was diagnosed with PTSD. He would not let up when I finally realised he had no moral fibre whatsoever. He tried to strangle me and then was so angry that I was no longer prepared to go through anything more with him. He stalked me and was a vexatious litigator.

      I was a loving young girl when I met him, full of enthusiasm for what lay ahead in my life. He crushed my dreams and destroyed all that I worked for. Now, years later, I have terrible anxiety coming back. He is miserable and full of evil. I have no contact with him. He tries to contact me every so often. The children are all struggling in different ways. We all appear to be doing well superficially. Dig below the surface and we are still suffering. I thought Karma would get him, but apparently not. He emotionally abused me through our entire relationship and beyond. The financial abuse continued post separation when he went bankrupt so I wouldn't get anything. I was so hurt and angry and demoralised and severely depressed and suffered debilitating anxiety.

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      Nina 

      4 months ago

      So, you are saying you emotionally abused your wife and don't like that she now has comments on your behavior?

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      Jeenksb 

      4 months ago

      It really is profound to see all of these comments and note the common significant symptoms. It helps to reinforce that I am not nuts. For those wishing their spouse would happen to read this, it wouldn't matter. I sent it to my husband. According to him the author is either really a woman or a pussy and I just want to blame him for my own issues. Most narcissists cannot or will not change. It has taken me 21 years to realize this. Sorry but it is true.

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      Damien 

      4 months ago

      Did I write this and forget?

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      Jenn 

      4 months ago

      After reading your article, I was left feeling hopeful. That is, if only my husband would read your words and have a lighting bolt moment. We have been together for 13yrs married for 3 and honestly it's been soul destroying at times. He hates everything and everyone. The tinyest things set him off and frustrates him. I feel overwhelmed and helpless. I've tried changing and admitting when I'm wrong or when he thinks I'm wrong but those buttons you spoke about, well I'm a pro at pushing them, even when I've no idea what it was i said that pushed them. I love him but as it stands, i cant stand to stay in the same room as him so i make excuses to be in my room or with the kids. I hope he can see whats going on because like u and ur wife we are opposites and it made for a tuff ride. But thanks for this platform to vent.

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      tk 

      4 months ago

      i love how every male written argument is a balanced self reflection on what he can do better. .... really, my wife is an ANGRY BITCH that thinks that I am useless and tells me regularly she hopes i die. I've done nothing to warrant this shit, or the items being thrown at me and the shit being broken in her rages. she just told me the reason im 40 and nobody likes me is because im horrible and even my own family don't like me... thats after she lent over my shoulder to read what i was writing and to who lol.. she thinks this is a dating site. seriously, she hates me. I've done zero to deserve how she treats me. I work hard. I love our kids. I don't hit her back when she comes at me with fists and weapons... literally knives and that sort of thing. I've never cheated on her or even come close to it... and yet when i look online for an opinion for guys with similar problems I get all this stuff about abusive men and how it's probably the guy that needs to change. really?

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      Notcrazy 

      5 months ago

      Wow, thank you for this article and for taking responsibility, I applaud you for taking actual measures to make amends. Thank you for all the comments below too, I relate so much with everyone. When I met my boyfriend, I fell for him hard but he was seeing other people and lied about it to my face. He went traveling and brought back an STD and I still tried to see a better person in him until I like one of the commenters below started blowing up, lashing out and then he cheated again. I feel so full of anger and hate. I keep breaking up with him but he keeps weaseling back into my life and each time it feels a part of my self esteem and self respect dies with it. He can be so sweet but he is two faced. His good behavior never lasts. When I mention a cruel joke or comment that I didn't like he turns it all around on me, that I am crazy. So I broke up with him again. I hope it sticks this time. I am so tired of the merry go round, I want to feel hope and have peaceful thoughts in mind.

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      Jf 

      5 months ago

      I read your page and I felt like it was almost a copy of my life. My husband only has things to say about me that are negative. He will even change things around to make up stuff that never happened. Sometime I think I should just treat him the way he treats me but I end up feeling bad about it so I stop. I have told him straight out about what he does and he apologizes and said he didn’t know. But that’s a lie and he continues to do it to me. I have tried to ignore it and that has turned me into a person who is annoyed all the time. I no longer trust him and I have a very difficult time believing things will ever change. I am becoming a angry and very annoyed person and sometimes I wonder if I can ever change back. I even went as far as to go on depression pills. I’m writing because I feel like you have described my life in a lot of ways. I just want to say that I do think people can be broken. I just want to feel good enough for him but I am at the point where I don’t believe I can be. And when he tries to tell me nice things now I feel like it’s fake because of all the things he has said. My way of thinking is things are the way that they are. I no longer want to here what I had always wish I’d here. It’s to late now. I don’t know what’s harder. Hearing the negative things and the degrading things? Or the way that he tries to tell me nice things but I know that he is just saying it because he knows I would want to hear it? It’s not the same when things aren’t sincere. It hurts knowing that just as much as it hurts when someone degraded you. I don’t know if this is any help. But I really hope things work out for you. And if it does I would love to know what works. Or I you read this and have advice for me I would appreciate it very much too.

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      Mia 

      5 months ago

      I feel as though the tables have flipped with me and my husband a bit. When we were dating he was very vile towards me. If he hurt me and I dare cry it would result in him slandering me beyond disbelief. Often for years I would cry myself to sleep because he just didn't give a crap, he didn't want to deal with me and the pain I had. I would try to talk things out with him and he would tell me to get the f out of his face or to stop contacting him. If I broke up with him it would turn into a cry fest where he would threaten to kill himself or that he couldn't survive without me and it would make me feel like maybe I was wrong for wanting to leave. He had a split personality... One moment he was sweet and loving and the next he was spewing venom at me, ignoring my calls, or doing something that he knows would hurt me. Unfortunately I stuck around and ended up marrying him. When I fell pregnant he had nothing to say, no excitement , nothing.. I cried all night that day. I don't know why I did this to myself, clearly it lies within my subconcious. But as someone who has always been suppressive and oppressed all of my life I cried a lot and suppressed my emotions to an almost deathly level. I fell ill a lot, my energy was always sapped and I isolated myself on a grand level. My family had to beg me to even come out of my room to have dinner it was that bad. Over time I grew hard and angry... One day I had enough and I completely spazzed out on my husband and it actually scared him! Now it's a constant thing... I hold in my pain and resentment within myself and then I LASH OUT something very serious on him. It's gotten to the point where I am destroying things in our home, I'm completely paralyzed and can barely even muster the mental energy to clean our home or take care of myself. He does feel guilty after a few interventions where it had to be explained to him the damage he has caused. But that changed nothing much, as now instead of being "evil" towards me he ignores me nearly 99% of the day. He just focuses on himself all day everyday even though that is always how he's been towards me. I feel lonely everyday and I cry in silence by my lonesom just like I always have. I even feel horrible, like I am a dark person that doesn't deserve love or happiness. I feel as though my marriage has destroyed who I am and my husband even says "you're not the woman I married bring the old Mia back". I am always angry, depressed, sick, debilitated, confused and cloudy in my mind. When I met him I was sweet, bubbly, kind, enthusiastic and persevering. But I will say that my mother treated me just how my husband treats me and all of my life my Grandmother battled to have custody of me because she could see that my mom was destroying me. Unfortunately my mom didn't like a comment her boyfriend at the time had made about her not being a good mom because I was not living with her and she violently took me from my grandmother who had even bought a house and decorated a room for me to have a healthy life. I was also in a special private school and had made some friends. My father wanted nothing to do with me so theres that. I guess I chose to stay in a situation I thought was the only situation I could be in. As the boyfriends before him were either cheaters or abusive. I feel like life itself has ruine me and I think I will have to leave my marriage or I might personally ruin my husband as he claims I have broken him down as a man. But I am not trul sure about that as he never takes responsibility for himself, ever..

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      carla 

      5 months ago

      I have been wondering how I have turned exactly into my husband. It took me years to change how he treats the kids and how he views life, not knowing that I was not treating the core issue. anyway, after being the most submissive, soft, loving and caring wife, who's trying too hard to keep the marriage up and running, I am suddenly a very angry woman all the time, despite the anti depressing pills I take every day. I don't care anymore if he threatens using divorce. I challenge him every time he uses a threat to break me just so I can shatter all the threats inside me. Even if he says I will slap your face if you say another word, I will deliberately say it knowing that his ego, anger and what he calls his manhood, will not stop him from slapping me. I do that just to show him that the tiny little domesticated cat does not fear him anymore. I am afraid that I hate him and that there might not be any love left in my heart for him or anyone except my kids. I feel that I am just living day by day just to watch them grow to be healthy, educated and independent young adults. I do not enjoy anything, if there is something i want to enjoy, I try to enjoy it but nothing happens so naturally. I don't even know what makes me happy. I feel like i have lost all my senses and I'm just like a machine always searching and looking up solutions for the best things to do for my kids (health wise, education wise and general upbringing), for my career and until recently for my husband (not anymore though, I've tried too hard until all my mental and physical energy are worn out).

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      salmonfriedrice 

      5 months ago

      Thanks for the article. I'am afraid I have already made the similar mistake. My story is mostly similar to yours. My wife did know about my harsh character well before the marriage. Few times I went physical with her which I regret to this day. I even tried to back her out of the marriage but she persisted and we married.

      Fast forward 8 years, my life is in terrible shape due to my own karma. She used to be this listening, kind, soft person who gets emotional on little things and cry over it. Over the years she has learned the bad side of me and it is causing all of us our life. Unlike you I have not become a perfect husband but I'm able to control lot of my bad qualities in tough situations. Sad thing is she gets angry and shouts at almost everything. She wants to get divorce but I'm not ready for it as I fear it will affect my 5 year old daughter. She pushes for divorce almost every month but I do not agree for that. My daughter is what is keeping the family going. To make matters worse we hardly have had sexual relation 4-5 times per year. I feel the relationship has scared a lot. We are from India where we have to also live for our society and parents. I'm still hoping things would turn around and everything will be good,

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      Jeenksb 

      5 months ago

      I have read your article and all of the comments. I am sorry to say though that you are likely the exception to the rule. For 20 years now, I have tried everything to get my husband to see and hear how he treats me and our sons. When I was little, my mother's multiple men, marriages, and divorces resulted in me being sexually and physically abused. So for 20 years, (our oldest just turned 20 youngest is now 18) I have stayed and poured my all into making it work. The stress made me ill, literally, autoimmune disease. I am now old, sick, fat, angry, mean, can't focus for crap, am agitated and angry most days. And while part of me will always love him, I hate him with a passion. I will be gone as soon as soon as I can find my way. It wasn't worth it but then again, hindsight is 20/20 and I did what I thought was best for my sons.

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      Linda 

      6 months ago

      This is happening to me right now. I am your wife. My husband doesnt know why its happening. But the distance between us is growing stronger and stronger and I dont know how to make it stop

    • ramorales profile image

      ramorales 

      6 months ago from Dallas, Texas

      Hi! Its so strange how I came across this, well maybe not exactly. I found your writing by searching for something like "I enjoy irritating my wife and driving her insane". And I found this! When I read it I thought to myself wow this is me, I am exactly like this man. I am cynical, critical, sharp, sarcastic... I am so toxic. But thats only against my wife to which she doesnt understand because I am great with everyone else. I have 2 kids that I love dearly but I hate being married, I made the mistaje of getting married. The very thought of marriage makes me cringe and I dont wear a wedding ring.

      So I too have been reading up on Alan Watts and Eastern philosophy and such which I became heavily interested after my great grandfathers death 3 yrs ago because Western religion and ideas dont satisfy the question of what haooens after we die. But anyway I though that was a interesting connection here.

      Oh sorry I feel like I am rambling but anyway, so just a short while ago a argument broke out. My wife came home from babysitting and brought back a late night snack and I showed appreciation by hugging her and kissing her neck. I wasnt meaning to initiate sex but after we ate she startes asking me what do I like about having sex with her. I am never good when she asks these questions so I answered her the way I normally do and said I just like having sex with her. Well of course that wasnt the answer she was looking for and I didnt have anyhing more to give so we argued. And I think I enjoyed irritaring her and making her angry. In fact I almost think that at any chance I get I do my best to irritate her to insanity.

      She is a sweet and loving woman and really needs to leave me but she wont and idk maybe I feel bad and I want to change but nothing seems to hwlp.

      Like I mentioned I have been lookin inti Thao Buddhism and those tyoes of Eastern Philosophy to try and change. But idk maybe I am not oracticing it so muh. Maybe there is something else going in that I need to fix.

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      South Georgia mama 

      6 months ago

      When I was reading this i felt has if I were reading my own story. My husband has turned into me and I know it!!! I'm trying as hard as I can everyday to be a better person to the gentle giant that I use to know. Thank you so much for sharing.

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      Same Boat 

      6 months ago

      Excellent article bro!

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      A nony mouse 

      6 months ago

      Dear Mary

      for goodness sakes leave this abusive relationship. If not for yourself then for your children. If you are not careful these problems will dog your children's adult lives too. Boys look to their father's as to how to behave, your husband is modelling abusive behaviour that your son is likely to emulate in his adult relationships. Your daughter is likely to copy you and she is more likely to wind up the doormat in an abusive relationship. I am sure you would not like to inflict this on another generation.

      Good luck

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      Wow 

      6 months ago

      You gave yourself too much power and also robbed your wife of the responsibility of ownership of her actions.

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      Bella 

      7 months ago

      This is the most indirect self congratulatory post I’ve ever read

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      Suzette 

      7 months ago

      Oh man, I was wondering why I became so unhappy when Ive always been a happy person. He is a cranky, sleepy, crabby old man with the occasional rose colored glasses ( to make himself not feel pain). He used to lash out at me.... Ive just become unimpressed and bored. Ive now resorted to feeling angry at the world or sad or just despair.

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      Mary 

      7 months ago

      I have been living this, thanks for being honest. I am doing everything I can Not to become him....He hates everything about me, he even hated his mom, and now his children, one is his special needs son...who is this person I ask myself. Everything you said is him. He is "normal" and I am a curse and nightmare. You can't ask any questions, or say you don't understand what something means without him yelling at you, and then projecting on to you every thing he did/does. His abuse is nothing like I have ever in countered before. He does this to his daughter as well. I have tried and tried everything I can to love him, forgive him, pray for him, he just gets that much more hateful. Tonight he told me he has feelings, nothing but hate for me....nice isnt it? This is pay back for being a good mom to our children (but he didnt have any of that) so its my fault of course, I am finally done, exhausted for trying for years, to even understand, or help. The article, to be honest was scary, that's how spot on it was. He's very dramatic about small things as well, and he is the only one who "thinks rationally".

    • tadasland profile imageAUTHOR

      Mateus Brava 

      7 months ago from Portland, OR

      Hi Erica, what peace? :-) There is no peace in life or marriage. Peace only comes from our minds. I try not to dwell on the bumps in my relationship. We are raising a kid, take care of each other and have some fun when we can. I have a view that I must provide my wife comfort and security but it is up to her to work with her mind to be happy. She's not as angry and resentful anymore because I'm not, but this took time. If you take time to interrupt this pattern consciously and using skillful methods you'll get over it too. I know it seems not fair but you'll be much more empowered once you realize you can effect your happiness much better than your husband.

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      Erica 

      7 months ago

      In my situation I am your wife. I have slowly turned into the same type of angry fighter my husband used to be. He has calmed down some, and now I am just angry and resentful. I realize I am this way but just can’t seem to stop myself. How did you find peace with yourself in turn finding peace in your marriage?

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      Mary 

      8 months ago

      This story is very real to me in my early years. I met my husband when I was healthy and happy. He was struggling financially and with other events in life. He was angry and hurt and I did my best thinking I could make it better.

      He was charming and nice but I'd see little things pop up that I assumed were stress. We married. His hatred turned to me over time. He was so great to everyone but me and I assumed I was doing something wrong and it was me. I tried all. I became depressed. I binged ate thinking if I was a Barbie doll he would like me better or maybe even love me. I ended up in the hospital at 86 pounds-I was 130 when we met. I self inflicted the pain he put on to me onto myself thinking it would somehow erase how I felt. He told me for years that he had to do. 'xyz" to me because I didn't get him and I needed to to listen and learn.

      I had 2 miscarriages from the stress of him and he blamed me for not being a woman enough to carry a baby. We finally had a child. He eased up initially but began the same behavior on our son soon after. It was my fault he cried too much, my fault he didnt sleep through the night. It because so exhausting that I didn't know what to do. I eventually left.

      He blamed his paremts on his behavior but never showed remorse when he hurt me. He would leave for diapers and would return for days telling me it was my fault he had to get away and be alone. I became so angry at him that I started to despise myself for the way I lashed out randomly. I was a mean and angry women reacting to all the years of my love and kindness that was ignored. I felt like a fool in the actuality of my actions.

      My daughter is now 17 and doing well. I left and it hurt. I regained my confidence after years. The animal I became went away when I realized I was not a reflection of him.

      content://media/external/file/9288.

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      Maria 

      8 months ago

      I really appreciate your article. I cannot place the entire problem at his feet but he certainly didn't help.

      We started out getting to know each other, I had ended a long term abusive relationship and was a single mother.

      I really wanted to move on with continuing my education and really felt like it would be best if things didn't become complicated too quickly.

      He told me there were things about his past too that were not something he was proud of.

      Needless to say we continued to move forward. All was great until the details about his past came clear. I don't think i would have considered him had I known.

      I felt lied to and betrayed, sadly I've lost respect for him.

      But now I feel as though he's not contributing enough emotionally and with the children.

      I wonder sometimes if my disillusion is causing more problems.

      The thing is I'm very resentful and his flaws are much more obvious. We argue about lack of communication and the answer I get is "I have nothing to say ".

      I feel cheated and unfulfilled. And am bent on bettering myself as a way of feeling validation.

      Yes I'm bitter

      I'm not so angry anymore

      But there's a void and I don't know if I can be the same

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      Yousef 

      9 months ago

      This is exactly what I did to my wife without realizing it. I have turned the most positive, fun loving, and sensitive person into an angry, resentful woman by sucking the life out of her. I suppose I subconsciously did exactly what my father, and his father did to their families. Tragically, I don't seem to be able to undo the past wrongs, and 17 years of verbal put-downs have taken its toll. It hurts me deeply to see what I did to her, our families, and myself on daily basis. Cynical, angry men don't deserve to, and should not be in relationships unless they seek help and address their destructive force within which can destroy other souls in time. My wife was partly responsible for what happened to us, but that is NOT the point here. I have turned a beautiful being into an exhausted, angry, depressed, and deeply resentful woman who's just dragging her feet through life. And that is criminal. Societies must pay more attention to people's states of minds, and their deep emotions and address the shortcomings before they are ready for relationships and marriage. After all, families are the most significant building block of human society and its future.

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      Natalie 

      9 months ago

      What you are talking about is becoming self aware. Thats amazing! Many people walk round this beautiful planet like blinkered, self absorbed zombies, unaware of how their thoughts, words, and actions affect others, they just dont gaf, as long as no 1 zombie is ok. I know, I'm married to one. He just doesn't give a flying fudge what anyone feels, apart from him of course, as long as he gets to vent his rage daily everthing will be ok lol.

      Ive spent years trying to develop/better myself and the more amazing people i meet and the more the scales fall from my eyes i realise i come home every evening to an angry barn yard animal (no offence to animals).. I am starting to LOATHE his angry self absorbed constant critisisms of me, he's the "fault finder".

      He's made me cry the last 3 days, one of them my birthday, I've cried on my birthday 3 years on the trot (married yep... you guessed it... 3 years) this morning he shouted at me for putting my knickers on whilst (God forbid) he was talking. Shame on me lol!

      I AM EXHAUSTED. The core of my soul literally aches for freedom from this onslaught of negative energy from the second i open my eyes to when i sleep. In fact the only reason Im awake now is because that bafoon just woke me up to scream at me. Today being my last day of work before my first break in 12 mths (whilst he works part time making love to the sofa). I love Jesus so i cant believe I'm about to say this but... i am starting to hate my husband. He is sucking the life out of my happy spirit. He puts on the perfect show in front of people he wants to impress (cue applause) but secretly behind closed doors he is my worst nightmare.

      Tonight i have made my decision... i am no longer gona self sabotage my precious life to give that buffoon his daily fleeting release of poison. His life devoid of joy is a shame, but for his misery to ruin two lives is an unecessary tragedy.

      I'm a teeny bit scared but I'm more excited about my future... bring on the peace!

    • profile image

      Anna 

      9 months ago

      This is my life, it hurts to know my husband can treat me in such a way. I am his virtual punching bag. Everything the world does to him, he takes out on me and rarely apologizes. I have tried to hate him many times, unfortunately I can't . I went from a size 16 to a size 6 in a couple years due to his verbal abuse. Today it still hurts to see him be so kind and understanding to anyone but his children and me. He hides who he really is and how he treats us from everyone. He screams at us and talks to us like we are dirt over the littlest things. I won't ever understand how a man can treat his family like this and not want help to stop it. Maybe because he seems to think the issue is us pushing his buttons.

    • profile image

      Julio 

      9 months ago

      This story sounds like my life. Exactly to the very last detail. The only solution is to except everything with unconditional love.

    • tadasland profile imageAUTHOR

      Mateus Brava 

      10 months ago from Portland, OR

      Greg: if we read the "Sadwife'" comment bellow then we can clearly see that these traits are acquired subconsciously, purely by being constantly exposed to verbal abuse and sour attitude. Scientists have been talking about these "mirror neurons" in our brains for years now. If you put an innocent person in the prison pretty soon they'll start acting like a criminal in order to blend in, survive and pretty soon the mask grows on them and they don't even recognize themselves.

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      GregfromUT1983 

      10 months ago

      This is exactly what's happening in my relationship with my wife. it's even led to both of us being unfaithful and hurting eachother in the worst ways possible. When I ask her why she does certain things, she answers honestly "I Dont Know". she really does'nt know does she? It's my Monster that I have made her into from my mistakes in the past in our relationship...that makes perfect sense...

    • profile image

      Sadwife 

      10 months ago

      Thank you for a very honest post. I didn't even realized that tears were gushing down my cheeks while I'm reading this. I have been married for two years now and our relationship atm is in great turmoil. I used to be this really cheerful, funny, sweet lady surrounded by great companions & friends but after marrying my angry husband I've become a cold heated personality-less woman. I moved to his state to be with him, found a job to help with our house bills. We were the complete opposites from the start but I thought because we loved each other that we could all work things out in the long run regarding our huge differences in personality. Turns out, we can't and love alone isn't enough to patch these holes in our marriage. My husband had a terrible childhood, growing up with drug abusive parents. He refused to see a therapist for this thinking his actions are normal and his extreme hate towards other people's stupidity is a god sent gift. I get affected with a his negative energy everyday. All I can do is sit in silence and take all the negative blows everyday and its affecting my well being. I grow anxious everyday because at some point I feel like I'm about to blow up listening to him cussing and cursing people with his cocky attitude. I am angered by this and sometimes it shows on my mood even if I dont say anything. I have become a monster and I wanted to change to save our marriage but I can't help inhale his anger and turning it into my own rage.

    • profile image

      Broken74 

      10 months ago

      It sounds like you have described my husband, I've lived with it for 17 years. It began just after we got married , I had a son from a previous relationship who was 7 at the time and was killed in a hit and run, 2 months later I had our son. One evening we had an argument, can't remember what about but his words have never left me, to win the argument and shut me down he said , " I know why god took r*p*** away from you, it's because your a horrible person!". Since then he's broken me down brick by brick. He lies to win arguments. You can't win an argument with a liar. I think I'm ready to leave but he doesn't work. We have 3 kids. They have to put up with the same bulling, sarcasm and nastiness. Because he doesn't work he can't afford to live on his own and I work 13hour shift a few times a week and night shifts so when I am at home I spend y time protecting them from their dads verbal abuse. They have told me at times he has told them not to tell me what's 'discussed ' at home when I'm not their as if they do they will be causing a fight. When I do retaliate he tell me , in front of yhem, I'm *ucking urge kids . What do I do, my soul is broken, my kids are always telling me it will be okay, and they love me but I need to protect them although they love him too very much, I'm torn.

    • profile image

      anon777 

      10 months ago

      tadasland,

      I thought your article was interesting and insightful, but your reply to Brenda is crass. Her criticisms, though sharp, have a grain of truth in them, but your defensiveness prevents you from opening up to it. Truthfully, I read on with a wary eye as well, because fundamentally the only person responsible for your wife's actions is herself (and same thing with you). To deem yourself as the sole cause of her anger shows that you're still putting yourself at the center of the world. Just because it's from a self-blaming perspective doesn't mean it's healthy.

      Perhaps this anger in your wife had been hidden when she was younger, too fearful to let it out. It wouldn't have been the first time in human history that a woman gains courage with age.

      There is likely built up resentment as well, of course. But a person rarely develops traits based on one singular influence (save their parents in youth). Accurately diagnosing the problem is vital to fixing it, and maybe you and your wife would do well to honestly spend some introspective time determining what precisely it is that makes her so angry. What does she feel in that moment, what is the self-talk going on, (and because it often goes back to fear) what is she afraid of? And are you so certain you have moved beyond that mincing, sarcastic past? Because if your reply to Brenda indicates anything, you still have some work to do.

    • tadasland profile imageAUTHOR

      Mateus Brava 

      10 months ago from Portland, OR

      Brenda: we project the qualities we have in our minds, don't we? Quick to label and judge, quick to find faults and quick to insult. What does that make you, eh? ;-)

    • profile image

      Brenda Lisa Hubbs 

      10 months ago

      It sounds like you view yourself as a very powerful person to have "broken your wife and turned her into an angry monster." To be able to create angry monsters must be a very heady and narcissistic power!

    • profile image

      Brendda Lisa Hubbs 

      10 months ago

      Your comment, "Like an old maid chasing a bridal bouquet" indicates that your contempt toward women. I quit reading after this callous, sexist, ageist, comment.

    • profile image

      Anon 

      11 months ago

      Hi all, really good post but even better comments.

      I've been the angry husband and it's taken a toll on my wife's mental health, all the things I've said and done have changed her, she was the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful and caring person and now it only takes a small mistake on my behalf to trigger all of the emotions back up and unleash the burning rage that her previous marriage and the beginnings of our relationship have created.

      It's taken a lot of time, communication and mindful effort to understand why I've behaved like that and I'd say it's a key issue if you REALLY want to change, not selfishly delve into a more "elevated" practice to become even more self-righteous and justified in the asshole that you are.

      If you're the angry husband and don't know why: you could be replicating what's been done to you by your caretakers. Look at your childhood and the abusive behaviours around it. Read about narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Read about the correlation between narcissism and religion/spirituality and the correlation between childhood abuse and narcissism. Accept and embrace your responsibility in this world, to be better, it's actually freeing.

      To the wives: read about the spectrum of narcissism, from traits to full blown disorder. Understand your odds and chances and make a decision about your life. Understand the relationship between narcissism and codependency, look at the origins of codependency and look at yourself in the power and agency that you really have.

      Abusers: don't be dicks, you don't have a right to.

      Abused: don't put up with it, you don't have to.

    • profile image

      Peachymama 

      11 months ago

      Thank you for having the courage to be so honest in such a public format.

      Insight Level: expert

      I'm alternating between crying hysterically and laughing hysterically after reading this. This hit harder than just about anything I've experienced in my life. My big realization: I've let my husband turn me into someone I hate. Awesome. I can't manage to shake the past hurts he's caused, even with therapy. Growing up I thought the person you married wouldn't hurt you. But that closeness makes for the perfect weapon to break someone down.

      I'm the first to admit I'm not blameless in this. I've battled terrible post weening depression and anxiety with both kids so I'm probably not the easiest person to be around at times. When I'm struggling, I'm still surprised by his lack of empathy. His words that he wants to help me aren't matched by his shitty behaviors.

      Ugh, feelings are the worst.

    • profile image

      Anne 

      11 months ago

      I used to be slow to anger and happy person until I married a wounded man from his childhood. His dad abused him physically and he don't get along with his mom. After a month of being married my life was a mess, I cried everyday because I feel so alone, my family is thousand miles away.when I tried to conversed him, he will quickly find ways to blame me for everything and he would tell me I complained so much.

      Time passed by without knowing that I become a different person irritable and hating him but I already have 4year old boy. He stays home with the boy and I do the work which is fine with me and we agreed to it, I am an RN my job is hard too and at end of my shift I wish to go home to a loving husband and a happy home but many time I go home and he makes my day worst, I developed anxiety issues because I get really anxious when I'm mad or his mad, ive never seen my parents fight or argue.I've thought about divorce many times but I can't let my son grow up without a dad although it's really exhausting. When I'm upset on something he makes me more upset and he gets mad even more. I can only cry because I can't undo the things that is already done like marrying him or having a child with him. Only time will tell how long can I hold on to this marriage.

    • tadasland profile imageAUTHOR

      Mateus Brava 

      11 months ago from Portland, OR

      @Abbess: thanks for the fan mail. Come back and visit. Meanwhile, see if you can look up a course on "constructive criticism." I hear it works wonders in relationships. Sounds like it will come very handy for you. ;-) Sincerely yours, asshat.

    • profile image

      Angie 

      12 months ago

      Im a wife. I feel the same way. Our roles have reversed over the years. Even he admits to it, and that he was a very angry person. I don't know how to stop. With the pressure of a baby I feel even shorter with him. But he gets on my last nerves.

    • tadasland profile imageAUTHOR

      Mateus Brava 

      12 months ago from Portland, OR

      Kourtney, you laid it out so well, so precise. The same kind of sharp mind and insights will lead you back to who you were, I'm sure of it. You're holding on to stuff, this is what keeps you locked up in a cage that you might have erected to protect yourself. Take baby steps out of it, let go just a little bit every week and slowly, slowly your heart will thaw. Hang in there.

    • profile image

      Kourtney 

      12 months ago

      Man... as I read this I can't help but sob. Which is what I did for hours on end last night and this morning after the harsh battle that broke out between me and my husband. A fight that ended like they so frequently have: in total fucking destruction. I've been with this man for 7 years. And in all those years there was a lot of pain. He was quite honestly put, a rather miserable person. Random bad moods, snarky cynical comments and judgment of strangers and life and well, everything. People, strangers who somehow ruined his day. Me who unknowlingly did something wrong or that wasn't up to his expectations. Just a constant tide of incoming and outgoing negativity. And the fights, he becomes someone else. Someone cold and inhuman. Some who uses my insecurities as a sword against my own throat. But then when the dust settles, he knows what he has done. He is Truly someone who is both this amazing man, and this really big asshole at the same time. And it's hard. It's so hard and tiring hearing all the time. It's so hard trying to still be there for the person you love while you see these harsh characteristics and hear nothing but criticisms on everything that make it hard to even like them. We had a daughter 2 years ago and for me everything just changed. While he has gotten better over time, I've found that much like your wife, as he has let go of this part of him, I took it on. I have grown cold. Lost touch of my sense of humor. I find the same cold shoulder I'd get from him, I now unknowingly give him. When we fight, I simply gear up for war. Because while he may no longer want it, he is the one who taught me the tactics. My resentment for the negativity he brought into our life has turned me into him. We are discussing therapy because I really am having a hard time letting this new man in, this new version of my husband. I'm struggling to enjoy him and the happy moments and the attempts he makes to change because I can't erase the him that was before. And it's just really hard. He said today that he thinks "he ruined me". And I'm afraid he is right. And that in return I've spent the last few years subconsciously repaying the favor.

    • tadasland profile imageAUTHOR

      Mateus Brava 

      12 months ago from Portland, OR

      @brokenWife: well, this is some predicament, isn't it? I'm sure if you ask a lady she'll tell you one thing and if you ask a man he'll suggest something else. Personally, I feel there are too many problems and issues in life to solve and rearrange conditions for better so to me it would all boil down to practical things: if I feel my kids and I can be happier without an angry person around and I can support myself then it's a no brainer but if I'm dependent and if the price of self-reliance is the one I'm not willing to pay then I put up with difficult person till I find another solution. Very likely he doesn't need to change because he knows he has you, he believes you'll stay any way. It's up to you to shake up that confidence. No matter what happens, don't take promises as any guarantee because our habits are too strong. Accept only his positive action as currency - this could be some emotional intelligence training, counseling, etc. Good luck.

    • profile image

      brokenWife 

      12 months ago

      I feel a sense of relief reading this at the same time as immense pain. Great, I already knew that a decade with my emotionally unsupportive and extremely argumentative/egotistical husband has me fallen out of love with him. I still care and i feel a horrible large surge of intense pain thinking about breaking up our fam (2 toddlers) but i cant be around him anymore. He's improved slightly; i mean he apparently acknowledged how i feel and took a mini anger course (its affects are slowly disappearing) but i feel its too late. He spoke and treated me like shit for a whole 10years. I feel so stupid!

      In January this year i told him enough was enough and i will give him 6 months to show improvement or im taking the kids. Ta da, he hasnt improved, temper and ugly words still there. But whats worse is i not hate him. Well i love him but i hate him. Ive punched his arm/chest about 3-4x this past 8 months - and EVERYTIME it is after he kept arguing/interrupted me and wouldnt let me talk or even breathe. I mean, i feel so angry towards him. So broken because he's my husband? Tells me he loves me, yes he provides finanacially BUT none of that is showing that he is CARING or loving towards me. What am i supposed to do?? I cannot cope with breaking the family but i cant take this pain anymore! I've become an extremely sad, serious and angry with him (was the fun, playful, extremely kind type with him)

      I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE! BUT I HATE THAT I STILL CARE FOR HIM. I ust need to stop caring, it will make the leaving him much easier. I know the kids and i will be calmer and kinder. ????

    • tadasland profile imageAUTHOR

      Mateus Brava 

      14 months ago from Portland, OR

      I totally agree - it is easier to wrote than change and most people do exactly that - they project their better self into writing, almost wishful thinking like. As you can tell from the article - it is a personal perspective, not a well balanced and psychiatrist moderated piece. :-) When I talk about change it is never a 360 but it is enough to function better and not fluster over useless things. I still have my pet peeves that I don't really negotiate on (for example, being wasteful or certain aspects about raising our daughter). Also, when she exploits my determination to remain calm or tests the limits of my patience I'll certainly show my claws, might even smash a tomato :-) Bottom line is that all couples fight but the most important thing is to keep rules like to never strike below the waste-line. :-)

    • profile image

      sochguru 

      14 months ago

      Tad, it would be interesting to read your wife's perspective if you were really able to change yourself. Don't take it wrong, but it is easier to write than actually practice. And sometimes we feel we are trying to change or have changed but we have not actually changed that much (from the spouse's perspective).

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      Tara B. 

      15 months ago

      This has happened to me. I used to be kind, soft, and patient. My husband lacks empathy and would try to inflict pain with his arguments. Years later he is softer but I am bitter & have turned into him.

    • profile image

      stefina bomba 

      15 months ago

      I am the wife. I don't think I became a monster I just care so much less about what my husband thinks, says or does. Does he get angry for small things? is he negative all the time? is he not listening me? does he really think is he the best? maybe he has some kind of mental disorder? depression? low testosterone? WHATEVER! he is not going to drive me crazy or turn me a monster. I just do not want to think about him all the time and focus on myself. I have muscle dystrophy and I can't handle more stress. I want live in peace and die in peace. He doesn't like I am so detached but this is the price that he has to pay and he will have to work very hard from now on if he want to be with me. I don't like to be angry because I spent also my childhood with a mother that was angry all the time. I just hate people that can't control their emotion and behave like a little spoiled child. Thanks for sharing your experience, it helped me a lot to understand more my situation

    • profile image

      idiot husband 

      15 months ago

      I broke my wife after many years of sarcastic comments, subtle put-downs and generally running her down.

      I hate to sound corny but I did not exactly "see the light" but I came close.

      I am sorry for my behaviour but now of course I have the most aggressive, angry, cursing and generally unpleasant woman at times. We have two kids and she is determined to wreck the family to hurt me.

      If i so much as forget the ice cream on the shopping list she will tell me to F-Off becuase I don't respect her.

      It upsets the kids a great deal.

      I am trying to send her powerful good messages and trying all day to bless her and forgive her.

      Yes I realize that to most people this sounds stupid.

      But I am all out of ideas.

      She also has health issues meaning she cannot leave the house, drive or do much. Yes she is depressed. Angry and depressed. No she will not get help. It's her way of hitting out at me.

      Blessings to all you people on this forum for caring enough to read these stories and offer kind words.

      The Idiot Husband (andy)

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      Dustin 

      16 months ago

      Just stumbled across this post. Almost describes me to a T. My wife has been loving, caring, and giving from day one. Ups and downs have been had and maybe I was scarred from my previous marriage. But my wife had nothing to do with that nor ever deserved the tongue lashings I gave her over the dumbest things. What's worse is the fact that I would find everything I could in any opportunity to just be mad at her. No idea why. It was instinctual and reflexive. I've wanted to be romantic and loving for 8 years, like I fruitlessly dumped into my ex when we were 19. She has deserved it. Now, we have a baby on the way (third child, one from first marriage-i have custody so she lives with us, and one with her). This child was not planned and, while not unwanted, wasn't the plan. We were supposed to be done with 2, 1 girl, 1 boy. We agreed that we were set, then, oops, birth control didn't work perfectly. Something with the pregnancy or the hormones she's putting off flipped a switch. I'm uncontrollably drawn to her on the loving, caring, romantic way I've wanted to be since the "honeymoon phase" wore off. Been enjoying it immensely. Only big downside is that what was projected at her as anger has now turned into uncontrollable feelings of sadness and despair on an almost constant basis. I'm only calm and truly happy when I'm literally holding her-physically close. I'm not a doctor and can't definitively say, but from what I've read, it seems depression was the reason. But depression about what? Got a good job, great kids, awesome wife, overall good everything. No reason to be depressed at all. Now, stumbling across this post, I fear in some time my wife might be affected by and retaliate from my long time verbal abuse and unfounded anger. It's a tough thing to admit and seems to be harder to fix.

    • profile image

      coachingbykimesha 

      16 months ago

      Going through something similar myself. I was kind like your wife, (codependent) and my husband more like you (narcissistic). He recently admitted he intentionally does things to make me upset. Then in a few ask "why I'm never happy". And now when I lash out at him I say I got it from you. He frequently states how his mother never liked when he was happy and when even discipline him if he was too happy.

      Was your mother an verbal/emotional abuser?

    • cyreralkillerr profile image

      Cyril Bihary 

      18 months ago from West Haven

      @tadsland, Just seeing this article now. I can relate to what you're saying, all of it. The attitude, the wife's qualities, the mood switch,everything. I myself can be a way better husband and father. I have anger issues, and they seem to multiply when I am tired, I know if I go to far, it stresses my wife out and I make her angry. I often wonder why my wife has stayed with me all these years and putting up with my crap.

      @kellyLR4964, I feel like I could me a replica of your husband to a certain extent, I want to be better, I don't want my wife/kids to hide things from me, and to not feel as close to me.

      I have tried to seek paid help on several occasions, but have never been satisfied with the progress, and I feel like it's a waste of time/money, nor do I want to be medicated.

      It could be due to stress, or the as a result of everything that happened growing up.

      Will I ever be normal?

    • profile image

      SadWife 

      18 months ago

      There should be a way to anonymously email this to my husband.

    • Wesleyade profile image

      Wesleyade 

      19 months ago from Lagos

      I was actually looking for something like this and was shocked to find it. It is so amazing to read my story from another person. I know undoubtedly I have also turned my wife into a monster but it's not entirely my doing. She had the monster in her all along, I only just gave it its freedom. We have been married 5 years and the relationship is a little over 7. I know we are still young in it and have room to fix it before it really gets out of hand. But how do you talk to someone who isn't interested in talking to you? How do you connect to someone who is completely mad at you before you even utter a single word? How do you bring back that sweet love when the wedge is so bitter, you literally taste it in your gut?

      I for one don't believe in divorce and have resolved to work at the relationship till we get it right. We have two adorable kids and somehow we have been able to shield them from all the mess.

      I really want to help her heal but all my efforts seem not to work. Knowing that I have just begun healing is a consolation but I want to share that with her. She has so much bitterness, anger and pain bottled up inside and I can't reach her anymore.

      Somehow I know she still loves me and I do too, we just can't seem to show each other anymore.

    • profile image

      Wjjlw 

      19 months ago

      I am feeling probably feeling exactly like your wife did. At times my husband can be so sweet and kind! Was wondering the same if anyone has ever experienced this. I've done the same, but lately been pretty quite and don't know how to handle things or this. At times I feel he hates me when he gets this way, he gets angry at little things sometimes, mocks me. If I try to be loving, understanding it makes it even worse! He was all over me in the beginning and now at times won't even let me touch him or be close. I feel so terrible at these times! It hurts! Someone in need of help. I'm not talking about abuse really hear. Just two hearts that have lost their way. He accuses me of things sometimes, but their are things he's done and doing that I don't approve of. Someone please tell me what to do! I love this man so much!, more than anyone ever in my life! 7yrs!!?? Is it a curse. Opposites attract or too much alike?

    • tadasland profile imageAUTHOR

      Mateus Brava 

      21 months ago from Portland, OR

      Hmmm Rafael, seems like we are brothers in faith. Karma is a bitch but I'd rather have it all play out in this life then repeating the cycle in a different body. :-) Full moon does bring more energy to the mind and all its tendencies can be accentuated but hey, no one said spiritual life should be easy - this is all raw material for our practice. Things always change so hang in there.

    • profile image

      Rafael 

      21 months ago

      Great story! Just my own reflection only less intensified (at least for the shake of writing in public) ! In a 18 years relationship and married for 11 years the first part was the story of my own aggression, now it is her part to play. Enduring for more than 7-8 years ... will carry on for the rest of my life. The rage and aggression in terms of furious out burst is found to periodic and monthly basis following lunar calendar. Being spiritual for the last 9 years trying to find the meaning of all this. We cannot get apart, some unseen bond keeps us bonded and keep fighting and burning. It seems like a volcano erupts and releases its energy. Fighting the archetypal energy for a long time. Get tired, wounded badly at times but still carrying on ...

    • tadasland profile imageAUTHOR

      Mateus Brava 

      21 months ago from Portland, OR

      Eva from Sweden: wow, super nice story. I wouldn't beat myself up about the past. First, guys are way easier than ladies, we forget quickly and let go fast. You sound like you are on happy track so just enjoy, would you? :-) Tristan: many lessons indeed, thanks for good wishes, same to you. Major: yep, you are being influenced by his behavior in a big way and various levels. You're the only one who can grow your awareness of your emotional states and the counter balancing measures. Mate: Judging from your level of expertise about narcissism and a skill for sharp criticism you seem to be part of the club :-) Some day, perhaps you'll understand, when you have a relationship of your own that things are not so simple as in the kindergarten where you pack up your toys and leave after a fight. ;-)

    • profile image

      Mate 

      21 months ago

      I really don't understand why people remain in marriages like this...it baffles me that someone will take abuse for years to the point that it CHANGES THIER PERSONALITY! Think about it...it takes decades of adolescence to develop your ego/nature and then someone treats you so $hitty that it only takes 2-3 years to change that. Yes sir you do have a narcissist personality disorder even to the point that you have now "self actualize" to start being nice to humanity...and you still made this article 90% about you and your own "suffering" you are feeling do to your bad treatment and abuse of those who chose to knit their lives with yours at their unfortunate expense. You better worship and love this woman for the rest of her life 110% for all the hell you have put her through...man to man bro.

    • profile image

      Major Zipf 

      21 months ago

      Thanks for writing this. I am a wife of a man that fits your description of your early self to a t. He goes from 0 - 60 in a flash and likes to use extremely sensitive parts of my existence against me when he is mad.

      We've been together 4 1/2 years, married for about 8. Ive been noticing a change in myself recently, noticing I'm angrier and less tolerant. There was a nagging suspicion I am turning into him. Now, at least I know I'm not imagining things.

      I just wish my husband would take the time to do some self improvement. It would probably save our relationship...

    • profile image

      Tristan 

      21 months ago

      Wow! This tale reflects my own experience, but flipped. I was with a woman who was exactly as you describe your old self, we were together about 4 years before I realized it wasn't a place I could be in any longer. I applaud you for your recognition of this and your commitment to change and truly hope things work out for you, regardless of how your relationship ends up, there's many lessons learned for the next one.

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      Eva 

      22 months ago

      Loved reading this. My story is the opposite of yours. I come from a family of men (mother and 4 brothers) who were like you, and still are - and as a very sensitive little sister I adapted a lot of the awful traits you had - mostly with other people though, because my brothers were intolerable . I didn't realise that until I met my partner at 16, he was 18 at the time (been together 12 years now) and he was and continue to be the most gentle, caring and selfless man in the world.

      My friends didn't like him initially, I was a model (today I am a wildlife biologist) and he was a goofy highschool student that most people deemed unattractive. But his incredible intellect (he plays piano and guitar and has an engineer degree in robotics today ) his big eyes, huge heart and caring nature captured me - and so I started dating him, but I was embarrassed a lot of the time, and thus tried to change him. At first I would poke fun at his lack of manliness, his clothes, taunt him and completely change his appearance (dye and cut hair, buy clothes etc). Awful, I am so ashamed even putting it in words today.

      But as time went by I fell more in love with him and his lighthearted views of the world. He turned everything negative into something positive and like you I always saw the negative.

      As time went by, I began to realise that I missed how he initially was, his lack of style, his glasses, everything that made me think about his caring character. I felt lighter and happier with him than in all the toxic relationships thoughtout my life.

      So he transformed ME into a better person, and continues to do so. However I do se some of the marks I made. He was so sensitive before, and now he isn't as much. He is not as romantic as he was back then either.

      Today I treasure him as he is and I don't care AT ALL what people think about him, sometimes my stomach hurt when I think of how much I love him and how much he means to me. I often tell him I am so sorry and so grateful that he is mine, but he brushes it off and say he loves me as I am, also back then. But I dont want him to remember me as I was, it makes me ashamed and he deserves much more.

      He once told me I was a sunflower and that I should look at the light and let the shadows fall behind me, and so I have. But my behaviour still haunts me.

      I feel my transformation the most when I see my relatives who still can't see their reflections clearly. You cannot say anything or talk about any subject without them turning it into something bad. Me "We bough a house" Them "Oh welcome to mortgage hell.. your house wasn't a good deal.. you will regret.." Me "I got a new job" Them "You've had 1000 jobs already, when will you find out what you want to do in life? Your are almost 30!" etc etc.

      I almost always leave battered, but then he picks me up.

      He is my best friend, family and salvation, he is literally half my soul. He removes me from all the darkness of this world and i really only feel happiness when its him and me.

      I have vowed to myself that I will treat him like the precious man he is, and care for him as the best woman I can be for as long as he will have me. Maybe, just maybe it will make up for the horrible monster I used to me.

      Ps. Sorry for my english I am Swedish.

    • tadasland profile imageAUTHOR

      Mateus Brava 

      22 months ago from Portland, OR

      I beg to differ, Nonya. Buddhists say we're reborn till we get this illusion of life out of our thick skulls, you know. :-)

    • profile image

      Nonya 

      22 months ago

      If she makes you unhappy why stick around? Seems that you got lobotomized by those books. There are plenty of people out there. You should now know what to look for in a woman. You know the red flags by now. I was in the same boat, I was always mad at my wife. We divorced and I'm happy again. You have one shot on this planet.

    • tadasland profile imageAUTHOR

      Mateus Brava 

      2 years ago from Portland, OR

      Friends, please accept my apologies, it looks like all these interesting comments have been stuck without the site notifying me. I was amazed how many of you have replied. It doesn't surprise me that so many of you find yourself in the same predicament, whether you're a husband or a wife. Life, our bodies and our relationships are always in a flux because we change so much. Life has a way of humbling and bringing to one's knees every person who fails to be kind to others. All of our anger and ill words eventually turn around and come back to haunt us in one form or another. I can't say my own relationship with my wife has improved much, perhaps we're more civil towards each other but all the hurtful words have left their mark and it can take only a spark to start a fire again. I've simply taken a path of being as helpful as I can and avoiding conflicts and this is OK for me as my personal spiritual journey of seeking knowledge and wisdom through meditation practices is much more exciting than any romantic getaway with my wife. :-) There is a great saying that I like a lot and it is attributed to Socrates: "By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

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