Is your man a good-for-nothing, lazy, TV-watching slob? Okay, that may be harsh, but maybe he's just an ordinary Joe, a card-carrying member of the Sofaholic club. While you bust your hump to finish the dishes, laundry, and cleaning, your husband channel surfs and falls asleep on the couch.
He doesn't even notice that you are one dish towel away from a physical meltdown or that you secretly want to string him up by his big toe. If this describes your predicament, join the club. Women across the nation are exhausted, beaten down, and in dire need help. They need their husbands to step up.
How to Get Your Husband Moving
Here, in no particular order, are six thoughts about men and housework. If you want help, study these ideas and make them your own.
- Don't tell him to do more than one thing at a time. Tell him one thing he can help you with and leave it at that. Don't, under any circumstance, give him a list. Men are genetically wired to reject all lists. If you do this you are doomed to fail.
- Don't nag. It's an issue of stubborn will and you will not break him. The more you nag, the less he will do. Just ask once and leave it that.
- Let him decide the timeline. This may sound counter intuitive, but it works. Men need to be in control. The minute they feel threatened they flee. If your man runs, then there is no way he will ever complete the job. Besides, when he completes the job, his pride will be surely let you know that he did it before the time elapsed.
- Notice what he does, not what he doesn't. Let me put it this way. Imagine if your husband pointed out all of the flaws in your appearance and never noticed your good points. You would eventually break down and stop caring about your appearance. It's the same way with men and housework.
- Don't asses or redo his work. If you want a job done by your husband and his work doesn't meet your expectations, do the job yourself and don't ask him to do it in the first place. The problem may just be your expectations and not your husband.
- Let your man be the hero. A man loves to do heroic things for his wife. The problem with housework is your man doesn't understand how it important it is to you that he helps. In many cases, especially if you work, day to day house work is incredibly tiring and draining. It's a burden. He doesn't see the slow burn of exhaustion as easily as they see other threats to your well being. For him to truly understand your difficulty, you need to make a point of explaining your predicament, not in a condescending or angry to tone, but in a manner that conveys your predicament and desperation.
In the case that your husband is a total brick head and doesn't respond to any of the following tips, then it's time to buy a sledgehammer. Don't jump to conclusions; you're not going to use it on him. Buy the sledge hammer, unplug the TV and drag it out to the driveway. When he comes home from work, just as he turns into the driveway, lift up the sledge hammer and smash the crap out of the TV. He may just get the message.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Lala on May 20, 2020:
Article TLDR- manipulate your lazy A** spouse into doing housework. Yah, that totally sounds like emotional empowerment and a mature way of handling things.
I was trapped in a marriage like this. Guess what... I left. My house is cleaner than ever and I somehow gained 4 hours back into my day. It’s amazinf. Oh, and on top of the 270 pounds of deadbest I lost, I know also fit into my skinny jeans.
Stop telling women they have to deal with this like slaves. Ladies, you don’t.
guest2020 on April 16, 2020:
The maid should be doing the housework. If you can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em!!
Shelly Carmich on September 23, 2019:
Dumbest article I’ve ever read. Emotionally healthy responsible adults do not need to be treated like children. This article Puts the responsibility on the woman to tiptoe around their childish behavior. Seriously?!
Shaz on August 06, 2018:
I run my own admin company from home and my husband doesnt work except for a couple hrs a day helping me with a few admin tasks. I used to be a clean freak but our apartment bow looks like Chernobyl because I work insane hrs and he barely lifts a finger. He packs the dishwasher each day and makes runs to the grocery store or to buy booze and believes that is his job done. If I try to talk to him about it, somehow I am a "slave driver" or I am "always telling him what he does wrong". He doesn't seem to be able to stand back and realise the incredibly huge imbalance of work between us. He has actually told me he doesnt like having to do washing etc. NO ONE DOES! But the worst part is that he CREATES so much of the mess! Cigarette ash on the tables, clothes on the couch, rubbish left where it lands etc. So, as a result of me being too tired to keep cleaning up the abomination and him preferring tv and video games over helping, our apartment is a mess. :(
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Whatever on March 21, 2014:
The article was good. The issue I have is that, from my experience, stay at home moms typically sit on their asses all day and then rip out the housework a couple hours before their working spouse gets home. Then lie and say how it took them all day and complain when you don't want to come home and cleanup the house after working outside the home all day. I watched my mother do it with my dad when I was growing up as well. My current girlfriend works maybe 8 to 10 hours a week, all of our kids are in school during the day. I work 40 plus hours a week and come home to find the house trashed and her lounging around. When I say anything at all about it, she says she doesn't have enough time and just can't keep up with it and I should help. Which I do, mainly because it bugs the crap out of me. But the fact of the matter is, she has plenty of time, she only needs to take a little time each day...most of the time, she just lets it go for several days and then it takes an entire day of everyone pitching in to straighten it out. A few days later...completely trashed again. She is the one with the most time on her hands and does very little, while expecting me, who has less time to do more. Not fair at all.
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Mimi on February 28, 2014:
Why do men get the special treatment. I don't get it. I am past all the BS. He sees me breaking my back to keep the house, cook, do yard work, and take care of the pool and our dog. Why do I have to treat him special to get help. BS with all of this wired different. What are women called when they sit on their ass and do nothing. It isn't the format that we are expected to use to get men to help. But...when I want to cook on special occasion for my son and family his response is quote, That is just to much for you to do. I am about to blow my lid. I am 71 and just worn out. When I look at him just sitting I want to run away and never return. If I were 20 years younger I would be gone.
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Lucy on June 19, 2012:
Who the F%$k wrote this Sh%t, why should we freaking praise men for having common sense. I'm so sick and tired of these stupid books that talk about only give them one task, praise them when they do it, don't critizie. Shut the F%$k up with that nonsense. I agree with one of the comments, mothers show your boys how to help you around the house and stop catering to them hand and foot. Men just need to get off their lazy asses and stop pretending they can only handle one task at a time and half assed at that. If they did that shit at work, they'd get fired.
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Doris James MizBejabbers from Beautiful South on June 05, 2012:
I have to say that my husband is the total Brickhead. Hey, workworkwork, that works in reverse, too. I work and the Brickhead stays home. Now I'm having to pay to have the lawn done because "it hurts his knees" to run a self-propelled mower. Once I even made a formal introduction to a broom: "Brickhead, this is a broom, Broom, this is Brickhead." Fat lot of good that did. Men don't have a monopoly on lazy stay-at-home spouses!
work work work on April 18, 2012:
Ok I work 14-16 hrs a day I come home and the wife wants me to do my share ok she is a stay at home mom and can't keep the house clean WTF she says I'm tired ok and you think 16 hr day doing physical labor I'm not tired at all I wld love to see her do that then come home and do house work (WOULD NOT HAPPEN) if your man works and your at home do your job or get out sounds like a lot of women just want something to bitch about. And then you sniffle about us wanting sex then you can't figure out why you husband is boning the girl next door use the brain God gave you.
Yikes on March 03, 2012:
I just spent two hours reading all these comments and it just breaks my heart that so many women out there are forced into wifely slavery. My husband is lazy, but so am I. My husband hates to clean, but so do I. My husband works a long day, but so do I. So, why would I entertain the notion that his needs, wants, expectation, likes, and dislikes are more important than mine? I DIDN'T!
We talked about cleaning and chores before we moved in together. I told him what I hate, he told me what he hated. I told him that I fully and completely expected him to assist with any and all chores, animals, and kids in our relationship future, not because I'm a modern woman, or was a rah-rah man-hater, but because I wanted him to be my partner, my equal, my best friend, my other-half, and that those titles all required mutual respect. I told him, very plainly, that I wanted him by my side for the rest of my life, and that I wanted to build a life, a family, and a home with him, but that I would not, could not, and should not, be expected to tolerate any disrespect from someone who claimed to be my partner in life, and that he shouldn't be expected to either.
I told him I realized my worth and wasn't willing to waste my one and only lifetime being overworked, unhappy, stressed out and tired.
Our house is not always super tidy, I quite often step on Lego, find dirty socks under the couch, or A few dirty plates in the sink, but that's ok. We have a special needs son together, a dog and a cat and while we have some mild chaos in the house, it's pleasantly chaotic and my husband and I can giggle together about it, and spend one day a month really cleaning the house like crazy together.
All you other women with these boorish, self-centered, disrespectful assholes of husbands make me want to gather you up and bring you to my warm topsy-turvy kitchen and give you a hug. Your husbands treat you in a way that any employer could be sued for treating you as. If a friend treated you that way, they'd no longer be your friend. If a family member treated you that way, they'd be estranged. If a stranger treated you that way, you'd tell them where to go and how to get there. But the man who is supposed to SHARE your life with you, share your hopes, be your companion, friend and lover, treats you like this and gets away with it?!?
I understand that everyone's situation is different, and that leaving isn't always an option, and trying to reason with him, isn't always an option, and hiring help isn't always an option, and letting everything go in the house isn't always an option, but maybe try cutting back a little bit? So you do some laundry, dishes and cooking each day, but don't do as much. So maybe there's an unmade bed, or toys on the floor, big deal, I guarantee every living creature in that house would be happier and more content if the tension, stress and misery levels in the house went down.
Just stop. You can't do everything forever. Let a little chaos into your life, as long as the rest of it is pleasant, then life should be a bit easier. And if your husband complains, explain to him that you just didn't have enough hours in a day to do everything and that everyone is much happier now. If he doesn't agree, then tough titty baby, let him do the extras on his own.
Nicole on February 22, 2012:
I am sorry, are we talking about men or kids. This sounds like how I teach my kids to learn to be ADULTS! If you see something needs to be done do it!!! Laziness is my pet peeve!!!
coby on February 21, 2012:
My husband (who's mother dóesn't work and did everything for him) doesn't help me with housekeeping and children, I don't care. I don't nag about it. When I was alone (divorced) I also had to do it alone and when we divorce, I still have to do it alone, no that's not true, I've got three men who love helping me with washing dishes and cleaning up -they're 5, 3 and 2 years old. I clean up for them. What I do get angry about is that when the toilet isn't working, he yells and tells me it's my fault (it's an old rotten house)and tells me to do it. Finally he does it and I have to help, which is okay if he doesn't yell that I don't do it correct. When he doesn't fix things that I can't, I ask my father of 76. He has been unemployed for 3 years and now has to work. Solution for unemployment and not doing the laundry: eat dry bread with cheese all the time and give the children good food with the little money there is and just let his laundry pile up for months, so he gets a bit mature and has to fix it himself. I'm not too lazy to do it, it's the only task he has now. If you don't treat your husband like a child, maybe he will grow up eventually. And lower your expectations a lot.
anonymous on February 13, 2012:
Ryan6. Your predicament is mine as well. My wife has stopped or somewhat halted on housework. I know she can do it. She claims she never has time for anythign. Whatever! She expects me too much (at times) to keep the up on housework. I see her more of a sofaholic or bedaholic when she comes home from school or work. I can't seem to to have a our relationship get better. I wanted a moment with her last night. Instead she wanted to finish her tv show. So I gave her the cold shoulder and went to bed. My snoring seem to pay off a part of a cold plate while i slept last night.I want her to l know i still love her. I want her to understand her position to do housework instead of tv. I use to come home and see the house is not cleaned. I get mad that i do the dishes all the time. I have no electric dishwasher to wash that soapscum away. Yes. Alot of women take adavatange for the men to do everything. I happen to be a christian and i see that good christian women can do a good job of taking care of there homes and children. Men who are home with there kids can only do only a little bit to keep the kids in line and in order. My son is now cleaning more and will start cleaning his room everyday. He will do more to help me out more and my wife. How to get my wife off of tv and start doing more to not have daily chores on certain days? It is going to start. Here in the next 6 months. I am executing cable tv and more family time and husband/wife relations willl happen. Having a wife who desires not to do housework is going to cause a family relationship problem. It even effects fsmilies now. So , I still love my wife. Here in a few to 6 more moths of school and work. I can see a change. I love the fact that a woman is more cleaner than a man. It m akes me feel better when I see my wiofe pitch in and give time to clean a house. Now if i can get a collar on my son to do the same thing with his room.
Tired on February 08, 2012:
@Ryan- you sound like a real catch! I'm jealous of your wife!
No kids for me yet, but I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years (living together for 5). I am the breadwinner and still take care of all household chores- cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, paying the bills, taking care of the pets, etc etc etc. I've tried every tip on that list to get him motivated and NOTHING WORKS. On top of THAT he has the AUDACITY to tell me that he feels like he never does enough because I complain all the time. OBVIOUSLY I complain! I'm exhausted- and he does nothing but sit around and watch me work! I can sit down with a basket of clean clothes right next to him- do you think he actually helps me fold? Nope- he continues to watch TV while I fold all of it.
Ryan on February 06, 2012:
Could you please do a piece on women in the inverse situation. I work full time, do dishes, all the cleaning, laundry, get the kids ready for school. My wife has no sense of time, cleanliness, priorities...she's clueless. If it was just me and her, I would have left a while ago. It's driving me nuts and my house is SOOOOO chaotic. Not sure what to do here.
monkey on February 04, 2012:
After 22 years of marriage, I can tell you that a lazy husband will always be a lazy husband. I've tried asking, nagging, to-do lists, leaving the work undone in the hopes that he'd get the hint and help, and nothing works. If your husband is like mine, just resign yourself to the fact that you have to take care of him as if he's a child, and you will have to do everything around the house yourself. That's why women shouldn't have to work outside the home...it's not fair that we have to go to work AND take care of the house while the husbands only have to go to work and do nothing else. That's what women's lib got us.
The dad on February 02, 2012:
Your husband sounds like my wife:) I'm kidding, but only slightly, we both have similar incomes, with hers only slightly larger and with more prestiege, but the balance of everything from child care, to cleaning, to fixing the car, or planning the holiday falls to me. You points are useful, and likely not gender specific
Onepissedoffmom on February 01, 2012:
You know what I scoff at? I scoff at men who think they know what the hell a woman who is pregnant is going through. If you think your wife is whining while she is pregnant then you need to get your testes burned off and get out of her house (you'll be doing her a favor). It's disgusting to see how little men know of pregnancy and the enormous strain it puts on a woman.
If you work outside the house and your wife is a stay at home mom consider yourself LUCKY. Why? Because your wife is willing to put in a 12 hour work day 7 days out of the week for zero dollars. If you don't think she is working while she is home then do this:
Wake up at 6am. Get a cup of coffee to start your day. Go get the babies out of bed. Dress them. Help them brush their teeth. 7:30 am, start breakfast. Get the kids on the table, feed them. Clean up their mess as they drop things, spill things. Pick the kids up, clean their hands and their faces. Get the dishes washed up. It's 9am. Do the laundry and vacuum up the floors while the kids are entertained with toys. 10:00-10:30 am, get lunch ready, food prep time and get some snacks on the table for little ones. 11:30am Cook lunch. Feed the kids, clean up after them, clean them, wash the dishes. 1:00pm time tog et the kids ready for a nap. Say the kids are good and nap for 2 hours. This is perfect time to sit down right? WRONG. Pre-prep dinner if it's going to be busy. Many women do this days in advance! But there's still much to do- remember the laundry? those have to get put away. Toys have to be put away (if they haven't been put away before nap), counters have to be cleaned, floors have to be mopped (nows a good time with kids out cold), organizing bills would be good, bathroom has to be scrubbed down, sinks washed, tubs cleaned, windows wiped down, doorknobs disinfected, cupboards and shelves dusted. By the time all of this is done the kids are awake and want attention. Time to break out books and read or play with some toys. Don't forget dinner has to be cooked.
By now hubby's home, mom's exhausted and kids are excited. Table gets set, food gets served. And the routine starts all over again.
That outlines a bland day in the life of a woman. We don't include the freak moments when toddlers have accidents, get sticky and need baths, demand more time, go to the park or when we have errands to run outside of the house (groceries, shopping, etc) we also don't discuss managing children when they get into fights with each other.
Do you know how much the pay rate goes to have someone do all of that work? And yet a stay at home mom does it because she loves her family, adores her children, imagines a world of appreciation and support from her husband.
We don't get a thank you. We don't get a hug. We don't get to lay down and hve our feet rubbed. We don't play play station. We don't fall asleep before the kids are in bed. We don't sleep in when we are tired. WE don't have someone who rubs our heads, give us medicine and pampers us when we are sick with a cold.
Our husbands expect us to just grit our teeth and bear it. I told my hubby if he didn't change quickly I was leaving him. I work too hard to be treated like nothing- i know my damn worth.
so sad on January 29, 2012:
You need to baby the man? Poor guy doesn't know that the dishes need to be done? Give me a break I'm sick of the baby crap! A man has a brain right? Think for yourself men don't wait until someone has to baby talk to you. Wake up!
stubborn man won't respond on January 26, 2012:
i may sound condescending when i talk to my man but it's with good reason, i already feel like i am raising a teenager (him) and my 2 kids because i work, he doesn't. i bought him a ps3 and have to fight with him to do more than the dishes and cook dinner, he ends up making all the meals i have asked him not to cook-the kids and i don't like them, but he does. praise him?? who praises me for working? cleaning? paying bills and taking care of all the finances? trying to make schedules at work and getting screamed at by customers? dealing with his stubborn ass? i should get a medal for that right there. praise him? HA!!!! you can tell this was written by a man. probably a lazy one.
sschilke (author) on January 17, 2012:
Well, well.... This article certainly touched a nerve with more than one person. When I wrote this, on a plane coming back from New Orleans, I never thought this was the reaction the article would get. Obviously there are a lot of women who are fed up with their mates, who have found a sounding board to vent. My reaction... good for you! I don't take any of it personally. I didn't write this as any authoratative answer to lazy men. One repeated response I have read countless times in the responses is that women don't need to treat men like little kids, patting them on the back for something they should have the sense to do anyways. True enough, point taken, but remember the same arguement could be made for the women who constantly needs for her spouse to verbalize his love for her, even if he shows it in action every day (obviously not the men I wrote about in my article). In the end, we all fail and little grace works both ways.
Thanks for your contribution
On the edge on January 15, 2012:
Wow. Such a shame to see how many women feel the same way I do. My husband is so lazy and when I sit down to have a talk to him about it he calls me selfish!!
I work Mon-Fri 8 hr shifts. He works Mon-Fri anywhere from 8 hrs to 14 hrs then proceeds to go to the gym for 3 hrs.
I clean our apartment, cook him dinner, wash the dishes, do our laundry, grocery shop, pay the bills, fix things around our place.... I do all this willingly because he does work longer hrs than I do and I completely understand that; however, what I don't understand is how he can't pick up after HIMSELF. That's the only thing I ask of him.
When he gets home from the gym he takes his coat off and throws it on the stove and his work clothes on the floor in the bedroom. He will fix a plate for dinner and leave all the dishes in the sink and counter.
He piles everything in his corner of the bedroom on the floor. If I asked him to clean it up he throws a fit and says he needs to "rest" which involves laying in bed playing games on his phone all day/night.
When I'm cleaning I ask him to move his stuff, he responds with I'll do it later or clean around it.
I'm at my wits end with this. I just want him to clean HIS mess and I'll handle the rest. Or help me out if I need something done that I can't do such as moving a heavy table so I can vacuum and he won't do it.
Women who have a man that clean on their own or help with any housework are extremely lucky and don't take your man for granted.
reiko75 on January 07, 2012:
I am glad I found this site as I have been extremely frustrated with my husband's total lack of support.
We got in a huge argument a few days ago about him not helping with chores, and he yelled at me "I have been paying all our f***ing bills for the last 5 years!!!" With neither of us working (I am a stay-at-home mom taking care of 1-yr old daughter), we've been paying bills from his savings (inheritance money from his dad), and it was obvious that he meant that he is letting me live a "rent free life" therefore I should be doing all the chores.
I was unbelievably upset and angry with what he said that I was in tears. All he cared about was himself (and HIS money), not US (husband, our daughter and I) trying to survive as a family. His comment made it clear that he does not know how much effort I put in to keep the household going (cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, taking care of 1 year old daughter and 2 dogs, paying bills, running all errands, and sometimes helping with his work assignment when he was working...!). In his mind, staying at home is like playing all day. That's very sad. I am very sad he thinks that way.
If he really thinks that I owe him because the money we are paying our household bills (rent, utilities, groceries) comes from HIS money, then I am ready to move out with my daughter and live freely without "I owe you" or "you owe me" relationship. I don't want his money, all I want is one happy family with a husband who values quality of life over money...!!
pissedoffwife on January 06, 2012:
Oh I get it, spend additional energy (which I don't have to spare) coddling this man/adult -- meanwhile many things DAILY in the house need to get done.
Without the excessive stroking to get somebody to do one thing at a time. (Forget that laundry, for example, has multitasking requirements and benefits: empty the machine, immediately start a new load and THEN deal with the wet clothes; while clothes are washing/drying fold and put away what's clean.)
Has anyone noticed that when the next task is *assigned* right after the first one is completed there's rejection, excuses or worse: the argument you had been trying avoid by using these tips?
And then, if all else fails I should buy unnecessary roadwork equipment to break my expensive television.
Dear Mr Writer of this article, while it has some insights into managing the fragile male ego, it's a TOTAL FAIL.
Note to the other pissed off wives/partners: outsourcing all of the services you provide daily and free of charge, using only their money does wonders on the motivation level!
angie on January 03, 2012:
i am so happy I found this ! I am so fed up with both my husband and my kids to be honest and sometimes i really wish I could close my eyes and walk away from it all. they all take advantage of me. This is my second marriage and honestly some things are no different from the first. My husbands problem isn't just the tv, it's his cell phone, xbox and now a computer game i told him he is addicted to. I use to be a stay home mom and because of raiseing kids and what I now know was severe depression I admit I sucked at cleaning. Now I have a different view of my self and my self worth and i am working a full time job and have decided this isn't just my problem. my husband has always had the attitude that it's " the woman's job". I have been working out of the home for a little over 2 years now and in the last 6 months I have been doing a job by myself that requres 2 people ( I am having to work 70 hours a week doing home care) and it only pays 40 hours but at least I get paid for doing what I don't even get a thank you for at home. Since my bosses mom has been visiting I have been useing my gas to run back and forth to try to get something done at home. My husband and I had words tonight because one of our daughters has been complaining about being sick ( I'm not buying it since she's been doing it alot and I waste time going to the doctor with her for nothing most of the time ). he had the nerve to tell me I have time during the day to take her. So I decied fine, tomorrow I will take her to work with me and take her to the walk in office when I am done with the morning routine and when I bring her back home I'm not cleaning a damn except what I few as " my mess" and that is it. I was going to be nice and put dinner int he crock pot so he didn't have to worry about it but now he can kiss my a$$ ! in all the years we have been together and even more so since I started driving , he hasn't hadf to worry about picking kids up from school cause they are sick, or taking them to the doctor or spending half the night in the ER, I've done it all ! I am going to try to save as much money as I can once I find a new employee so that I can take a little vacation ALONE and not have to worry about the pay I'm missing and let him deal with it all for a few days.
Karen on January 03, 2012:
I work a full time job plus do the cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, take care of the kids, help with their homework, pay the bills...at the end of the day I am EXHAUSTED! It is round the clock, I never get time to myself and rarely go out because if I did NOTHING would get done. He wonders why I fall asleep so early every night, well... I am TIRED because I am married but live like a single mom.
Hmmm on December 21, 2011:
I have to say I have the same issue, but here is what has been working for me. I went through the list of things I do in the house, and decided which ones I felt were non essential. Vacuuming would be one, it doesn't really matter to me what day or week he does it. I then split the lists into Him/Who Cares/Important to Me. I then said to him I appreciate what you do around the house, but to make it simpler I have divided up the household needs. Here is the list I came up with for you, do it whenever you feel like it, and again I appreciate the help. If there is anything you absolutely hate let me know, I have cleaning bathrooms up for trade :) Then the who cares column is stuff that I will do when I feel like it or not, including cooking, he can make himself a bowl of cereal, hes not deficient. Hes open to cook if he wants as well. The few things I deemed essential, I do weekly on Sundays, but that's what works for me. The rest I just let go of, its his choice. As for children, I have one and she always has a dinner, but some nights I flat out tell him he is on his own. And yes, I work more then him, and I make more then him. But you know what? I don't like having to nag him, and I don't like the person I become when I do. My happiness is worth more then him or the chores. If he feels something is dirty, he is free to clean it. I am no longer attached to feeling like I need to get anything done for him, and if he feels that way I put him straight. No one signed up to be anyone's Mom. Be strong to yourself, and if he really leaves because you won't make him dinner after a 14 hour day, hes not worth it anyways.
Sarah on November 24, 2011:
My husband and I have 3 children ages 11,7 and 2 and he works from 7am to 3:30pm everyday except for weekends we both get up at 5am so I can drive him to work then I come home make the kids lunches for school get the two older kids up get them breakfast pack there backpacks then I wake my 2 year old and feed her breakfast run down stairs to do a load of laundry then I do all the breakfast dishes then take the older kids to school come home and play games with my 2 year until 11am when she goes for a nap thats when the real cleaning beggins I sweep and mop and dust and vaccum and wipe and polish and sanitize then its time to wake up the little one and go pick up the kids from school when we get home dinner is started and its time to help the kids with there home work my husband comes home and for him its right to the couch meanwhile im making dinner entertaing my 2 year old and helping the kids with there home work then we all eat together there I play a game with all the kids then bath the baby and put her to bed (husband still laying on couch) then I play a board game with the older 2 children then read them some books make sure they get ready for there shower while they are bathing I pick up all the toys in the living room and gather all the laundry from that day when they are done I tuck them in to bed and then go and wash up the dinner dishes (husband still on couch) once the dishes are done I will FINALLY get to sit down thats when my husband will ask me to get him something to drink or go to the store to get him something because HE is to tired to do it Uhhhh why do some men think just because they work 8hrs that they dont have to do anything else????? I used to work full time and STILL did all the work that needed to be done at home too why can women find the time and engergy to do all this stuff but men just cant pull it together???? Im up the same time as him but I am go go go untill 11:30 when I can finally finish my day and go to bed but him he falls asleep almost as soon as he walks through the bloody door :( I love him but I could really use more help and non of these tricks work on him I have been trying for 8 years and nothing seems to work with him
Notwhatithought on November 21, 2011:
I am a stay at home mom with an infant .I'm more like a hosue maid then my husbands wife I'm at the point were I going
to leave is dirty untreatedful ass.I have tried to work with him what do I do to make this work .not look back
blondy7373 from indiana on November 18, 2011:
its amazing a person will take care of others children and think it is the same as giving birth to your own and having them 24/7, and then some people take one word out of a huge paragraph and drill on it, if you dont have kids that you raise from 0-18 and on, YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND, if you dont have marriage , kids from birth and up and had them babys you will NEVER UNDERSTAND, IF YOU THINK YOU DO YOUR JUST IMMATURE, AND I AGREE WE WOULD NEVER AGREE UNTILL YOU HAVE THE EXPERENCE THESE WOMEN DO HAVE! LOL , IT SO FUNNY HOW SOME PEOPLE THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING AND THEY DONT BOTHER TO SEE HOW NEGATIVE THEY ARE ABOUT PEOPLE HAVING CHILDREN, IF YOU DONT HAVE EXPERIENCE DONT SAY NOTHING AT ALL, LOL, YEA , NOTHING, CAUSE WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND DUH.....LOL....
Y O U D O N ' T K N O W N O T H I N G O N T H I S S U B J E C T, LOL LOL RIDICULOUS!!!LOL
blondy7373 from indiana on November 18, 2011:
please dont think you did anything wrong, I cant say i know you personally true, but sounds like something emotionally is going on with her...or maybe she is going thru something and not asking you for help to talk thru these things..If you not able to talk heart to heart without accidently offending each other i would recommend a councelor not long term just maybe so they can help you communicate without hurting feelings , sometimes we dont even realize how we can hurt each other inside, it should be equal, if your both working full time and then help each other when one of you is very tired and you have to have compassion on each other, sorry, but i have to say i had a friend that was doing that and she was just looking for a reason to leave cause she lost interest in him and was emotionally getting involved with someone else and thought there was a better life out there for her, but she finally realized that she had a great marriage and she had a great husband as soon as he stood up to her and found out few phone messages she had or that she was confused and he gave her a choice and tried to work it out , she soon found out being single is lonely and sucks, and not much time she got to spend with her kids, so they worked it out, but she started feeling that way cause of no attention from her husband , no compliments, and stress of life got to her , instead of talking to him she acted out in a bad way...but anyways, i dont think divorce should ever come up with two people who truely love each other and really care about each others feelings ...i've been married 20 yrs and after 7 or so, i felt like we lost lil passion and touchy feely things we used to do so i started doing it , had talk with him , and we dumped our pride said we were sorry and did not wait for each other to do it first , like you rub my back i will rub yours, we just did it even if one didnt and then the other realized and wanted to show more love and passion toward the other....i really hope you can talk and work it out, if you love each other anything can be overcame, we are truely resilant human beings, we dont think we are at first till we try but there is nothing wrong with you as far as im concerned with going by what you said is going on...sometimes a man has to be strong and stand up and say enough is enough and this is going to change (and/ or) we have to get help to get down to the bottom of this problem...if anything the children more then deserve 2 parents, that work together not against each other, or at each others throats emotionally, that is not what your kids should think a marriage and love is all about , and they notice alot more then we think, may god bless you and help you both, good luck, and i hope all works out great...........a marriage should only get stronger and grow, but we have to be willing to help it along too..............have a wonderful day !!
Josh on November 17, 2011:
I try to help out with the housework, i admit, I have slacked off for a couple days. But that's when she flips out the most. Its never "The house looks great!" Or "Dinner was delicious. Thank you!" or maybe even the condolence prize of "Thank you for taking the trash out" even though i'm the only one that does that. its always "So what did you do today? Did you do anything?" And when I go to respond she completely ignores me. Is it not enough that I go work for 12 hours a day and pay every bill leaving nothing for her to pay? Am I just that bad of a person that instead of jumping right home and scrubbing the carpets I want to just sit and relax for an hour? Its not easy working 12 hours, 6 days a week. She works part time as a cashier and expects the house to be clean when she gets home. Even when I'm still at work she expects me to magically clean the house somehow. I do more of the housework then she does and i'm the bad guy. Why? I need some female input on this, why the flog am I the bad guy here? The only thing I don't do is the laundry. I wash the dishes, I vaccuum, I pick up after her daughter, I pick up after, I put the dishes away. I clean off the tables and straighten everything out. Then I still make dinner and make sure its ready for when she gets home if she works later then me. If not, then when i come home I still do all those things. I guess I wouldn't mind so much if I had a nice office job where I just sat on my ass for those 12 hours. But I work in a distribution Center, I have to stand/walk/run around for those 12 hours. I get 2-15 minute breaks and a 30 minute lunch. Does she not realize that i am dog crap tired by time I get home? Shes threatening to leave me because of this. What the hell did I do that was so wrong?
Erika on November 16, 2011:
Blondy, thanks for your advice! :0) You are absolutely right. I actually have already talked to him and he's been cooking me dinner and rubbing my back. He explained to me that he's sorry for not helping around the house and he told me "he loves me!" So thank you God for answering my prayers! :0) Thanks Blondy you are a great lady and I hope your husband keeps helping you out. Take care and God bless...E :0)
blondy7373 from indiana on November 15, 2011:
I did have that problem and I talked to my hubby and had a nice sensitive conversation and now everything is great and YOU KNOW WHY cause he cared enough to listen he hasn't gave up on us working together he's not selfish and loves me that he wanted us both to feel good and appriciated and I also let him tell me how he feels and took my part of listening also, husbands need understanding and love too, but I do understand some who just don't care I think if your with someone that don't love you and care about your marriage enough it can be hard and even harder if ur the stay at home mom too, try a councelor and it may help him and u communicate better yes and some just don't care and treat u like trash and that's when its time to get help or get out and make a better life for urself and ur kids too...kids realize a lot more and see a lot more things then we think and they should be the most important more then your worried about being alone or any issues u have with bettering ur life or leaving him if he don't want to fix it ....good luck andmay god bless u all, I know its hard but u never know till u try you have to try you owe it to your kids and yourself to have a great life with or without him, we all deserve a good happy life and relationship...........
Erika on November 14, 2011:
I understand your frusterations towards women, but I don't think men realize how hard us women work around the house I have to say there are a lot of lazy women out there too don't get me wrong. But I'm not lazy at all. My husband works fulltime and he's the bread winner. I on the other hand lost my job in 2009 due to budget cuts. I collected my unemployment for a little over a year and was a stay at home mom. Finally, I was hired as a server on the weekends to help with the bills. My husband would watch our son and pick the house up while I worked and made good money. Everything was going great. Well then I realized that he was becoming very selfish in a lot of ways cause he always asked me to rub his back and never offered to rub mine. :( I feel like he is another kid that I take care of. Don't get me wrong I appreciate my husband and love him for supporting us but even if I wanted to go back to school I would never have time since he is so flippn dependent on me. I truly believe that a man is a reflection of his mother or father. My mother in law is a complete slob and I feel he is just like his mother when it comes to keeping a clean environment. I've told him repeatedly "I didn't marry you to be your housekeeper." While he works from 8-5 Mon-Fri I cook dinner, clean the kitchen and prep the coffee the night before wash his laundry and rub his flippn back and I even give him sex. Mon-Fri I'm at home cleaning the house, kitchen, laundry, sweeping, vacuuming, taking both dogs out and gettn my son ready for school. I think I have spoiled him and he feels I won't ever leave him cause we have a kid together so he takes advantage of that. I'm tired of doing everything, I want him to spoil me for once since I'm a flippn hard worker but he only cares about himself. He works so much harder then me he tells me. I'm such an awesome wife, I'm serious...I bought my husband the new Modern Warfare COD and he plays it all the time on the weekends when I go to work. He knows that I'm OCD when it comes to my kitchen and living room and I hate clutter so he doesn't bother to pick up after himself. I'm litterally in tears over this cause I don't feel like he loves me or appreciates me anymore cause if he did why would he treat me like this? And If I really wanted to I could have a complete lifestyle but I don't cause I love my husband and my son. I pray to God that he'll wake up one day and realizes how good he flippn has it ya know.
Idon'tgetit! on November 10, 2011:
blondy7373, you speak as if you think you know me and you do not. I have been around children in fact even took care of my sister’s child for some time because she was a selfish mother and decided to party and drink! Let’s face the facts some people should not have kids and they do anyway, there are too many children in foster care and CPS because as you would like to call it "unselfish people" had kids! My Fiancé and I do love each other and are very happy, love is not defined by how many children you have. Many children don’t get to live in a home where the parents are happy and in love most people who have families end in divorce, so love cannot be defined by the children you have in a relationship! I don't understand how you can say someone doesn't have a purpose if they choose not to have kids! Kids are not the only purpose in life! There are amazing men and women out there who don't have kids and instead give back, they donate to charities, travel around the world to teach, but you must be right, because they don't have kids, they clearly don't have a purpose or any goals in life and of course they then must be selfish! My mom had me because she wanted kids and that was her choice in life. My choice is to enjoy my life with my Fiancé and other family members, to do good, give back by donating and volunteering! Sorry blondy but we aren’t in 1950’s anymore times have changed women and men want other things from life beside kids!
blondy7373 from indiana on November 08, 2011:
probably cause we all want the american dream , and sometimes people change thru out relationships and get lazy or more active, and no one knows anyones situation unless your them, i dont understand how a woman cant or dont have a motherly instinct or want kids with someone they love to share the joys of life i am glad i had kids even if i get a house cleaner, i will still have my dream and my children to share my life with. and i always will be unselfish, and not all about me, that's what makes life great , even if your husband dont do as much , there is always help out there to hire or family to help, i dont get people who dont even want kids but are suppose to be in love and want to share a life and then that's it , no great experiences in life, no great events, nothing to share intimately together, the gift of life is what its about , if your momma didn't love it ,.........you wouldn't be here to me that's selfish. at least she want like you or you wouldn't be here. lol dont comment if you dont have any children that's for sure no experience no reason to bother to understand or even try to lol.......you'll never understand if you have no experiences with the specific situation. i sure wouldn't never lol, have a great life!!
Idon'tgetit! on November 07, 2011:
Why the hell would some of you all decide to have kids with someone so damn lazy! I love my fiancé and him and I decided not to have kids one we love our time, two if we did i told him we wouldn't make it! I would be doing most the shi# it the house and him well playing Games!! All I can say is some of you had to see this coming but thought.. I could change him, he'll get better! Well if he was lazy then chances are he is lazy now with your 3+++ kids! Being Married is a job all on it's own, if you don't have time for it then it isn't going to go the way you want it!
blondy7373 from indiana on November 06, 2011:
i do almost all the housework, i take kids to all doctor appts. dental, school conferences , meetings at school, court for teenager, probation for teenager, pay all bills, give all kids medicine, take them to park and bathtime, i have 3 kids one teen and 2 under 8, two in school....i do all the house work call on bills make arragements on bills, go to low cost places to save money,.....my husband can barely do laundry, doesn't fold clothes often when he does laundry maybe once every 6 months might vaccumm or do a dishwasher load of dishes, clean the kids room once a year, he works 10-13 hrs day and works on the 2 vehicles when they get broken down, but besides that he might go to gas station or grocery store that's outragous prices to pick up few things, and spends way too much......i am totally sick of it...on top of that he never compliments me, never appriciative, i feel totally unappriciated and sick of putting up with him flipping thru the channels and acting like if i have a compliant that of im just ragging on him for no reason,,, i am getting ready to start 1st shift job and then college to finish my nursing degree, and then who knows what will happen and dont get much if any support from him , cause he is sooo afraid i will leave him or find someone else or cheat, yeah we have had our share of problems, and i dont shove any past mistakes in his face but he throws snide comments at me, i am tired of feeling unappriciated and lonely and sick of him not caring to give me attention, ............any sledge hammer will not cure this at all, and i expect him to be smart enough to fix and do housework, fully and not just half assing it , i have seen him do this before we had kids and use to help me clean but that was 14 yrs or so ago...........SOME MEN JUST SUCK SOOO BAD, AND DONT APPRICIATE NOTHING THEY HAVE TILL THEY THINK THEY ARE LOSING IT THEN WHEN THEY GET IT BACK , ITS BACK TO SAME OLD SAME OLD THING, LAZY NOT GIVING ATTENTION, THAT IS WHY I LOVE HOW BLACK COUPLES ARE, THEY KNOW HOW TO TREAT THEIR QUEENS! AND SOME WHITE TOO DONT GET ME WRONG BUT NOT MANY.............KUDOS TO ALL THE GOOD MEN OUT THERE!!
Erduk on November 03, 2011:
@Fairly-Odd-Media Wait, you are "bogged down by three kids"? Since when were your kids baggage that kept you from having more money for yourself? See, this is why women these days don't get real men. They ARE the men.
Erduk on November 03, 2011:
If your husbands were really THAT lazy, you'd kick them out and not notice a single difference in your lives. I'm guessing you can't do that because the truth is he does more than you're willing to let on. Women disgust me with all this incessant lying and moaning about how hard they work at home. Clothes washing? You put the clothes in a machine, pour liquid in and push a button. Dish washing? Let them soak in warm water, put them in a machine, and finally push a button. Sweeping? Vacuum machine. Plug in, push a button, move forwards and backwards until floor is clean. Seriously, you women realize how spoiled you are with the housework now? Ask your mother or grandmother what keeping a house was like back in their day.
A man has to go outside and push a lawnmower up and down the lawn for an hour or two in ball sweating temperatures. Or the reverse, go outside and shovel snow in super cold temperatures for a half hour. Gutter cleaning? Man does it. Robber breaks into the house to rape you/kill you. Who do you expect to save your life? Your "lazy-good-for-nothing husband", that's who. You're all a bunch of spoiled twats that don't even know what real cleaning is anymore let alone know how to cook a decent meal.
If you don't act like a lady, why should your man act like a man? Had you expected the man to bring home the only paycheck from the beginning instead of going out and bringing home one yourself, he wouldn't have realized he could be lazy and live off of your money. Chances are it's impossible to fix it now. You've made your men lazy by going to work yourself instead of allowing him the be a man and feel important.
I've never been married, but I'm sure psychologically somewhere along the line your men think you ARE their mothers. You sure are acting like it. No sex, you clean and take care of him and the kids, you bring home more money than he does... He'd be dumb to NOT sit around and be lazy. You're doing everything for him, just like his mom did. If you want your man to be a man, you have to be a lady yourself and expect the man to be a man. It's that simple.
Fairly-Odd-Media from New York City, NY on October 31, 2011:
Great post! My husband and I both work from home, and work very hard, but he feels that it's my job to do the housework, since that's how his parents did it, and he makes more money than I do. It's frustrating, because if I wasn't bogged down with housework and taking care of three kids, I could make more money than I am. UGH! lol
It's double frustrating because I was the bread winner in my last relationship, of 8 years, and my ex was totally confident enough for this not to bother him.
Tired and Angry in Duluth on October 27, 2011:
Sorry, I didn't find it helpful or funny. I guess I have too much anger and resentment towards my husband of 23 years. He retired several months ago and thinks that means he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do which is basically nothing. He reads 8-10 hours a day and sleeps the rest of the time. For the first time I am thinking of divorce. I am still working and doing most of the work in the house. He is a horder on top and our basement is so full of !!!! I can't go down there it makes me physically ill. I don't let him bring anything upstairs without my okay. He is spending more nights in the extra bedroom.
Bob KEEGAN on October 25, 2011:
So now what if it is the wife that doesn't do anything.I work for myself, so I am gone alot of the day. When I get home the kitchen is a mess so I have to clean after I start my laundry then cook dinner. After that I have to tend to the garden then do yard work. Feels like when I was a bachelor but with three times the work at home. I literally have to everything. I have talked to her but nothing has changed. She just smirks and walks away. Should I just take my child and get a divorce and leave, cause I am pretty close to losing it
Cherish77 on October 23, 2011:
My hubby is pretty helpful. sometimes he irks me, but i try not to complain, and if the laundry gets ahead of me, he takes some up to his moms and does it after work( he stays up on Saturdays because he has to be up super early on Sundays to prepare for brunch, so Im thankful for stuff like that.
TheIgnoredGender on October 22, 2011:
Wow, I sure hope this article is a joke. I guess cutting the grass, cleaning the gutters, taking out the trash, and working with dangerous power tools to fix things doesn't count as housework because that's what a man would do. Any tips on how to get women to help do these things?
What a sexist article this is. A lot of generalizations of men like "men reject lists" or "need to be the hero"
Maybe women typically do more of the cooking/cleaning because they usually get to spend more time at home. (why else is daytime television directed mainly to women?) Besides it's the machines (invented by men by the way) that actually washes the clothes for you. All you have to do is put them in and push a button. You can do this during a commercial break.
All this male-bashing has to stop.
MerryHousewife on October 16, 2011:
Tired&only27, do you think your wife may be depressed? Caring for two little kids is really hard and can really take its toll. I'm wondering if she naps with the kids - that would explain the messy house and could indicate depression. Maybe talk to a therapist about it.
MerryHousewife on October 16, 2011:
Here is a possible solution. Get a maid. Yes, it's expensive, but I'd suggest taking the money from a part of the budget that affects both you AND your husband. Then maybe he'll appreciate what he's paid for and keep things clean. The good thing about a maid is that she'll clean - she won't be there to pick the crap up off the floor, do the dishes or wipe the counters, but at least you won't ALSO have to clean the toilet and mop the floors. I had a sitter once that came once a week and while my kids were napping I had her pick up the kids mess and sweep and mop the floors. I just told her that was part of the job. So I could get away for 3 hours a week and come home to a reasonably clean house.
But I agree that a lot of men don't get it for this reason: They've never been you. But not only have they never been responsible for kids and house like we have, they're men and just don't care the way we do.
And as I'm writing this my husband tells me to get off my ass and stop being lazy! HA!
Typical on October 14, 2011:
Why do we have to baby these lifeless leeches? They're human too. They do these things because they can. Because women say things like "you can only ask him to do one job at a time and you cant demand or he'll become defensive." pardon my French but screw that! Either get up and participate in life or leave.
jas on October 08, 2011:
Thankyou all for your comments, its so so reassuring that there are others out there with same problems...
Frustrated on October 01, 2011:
I stopped washing my husbands clothes and i refuse to clean the basement, because all he does is go down stairs and watch tv, after a long hard day at the store. Yes, ladies, he doesn't have a labor intensive job. Now, this year, I have mowed the lawn 5 times in two months, built a set of shelves, completely landscaped the front yard, and even taken out the trash on several occasions. He used to say, "If I buy this house, you'll keep it clean right?" When I even worked too but because I made less than him! For three years, I worked part-time, took care of the kid, and went to school. Every time I tell him that we never do anything together he says, "well, why don't you come down and watch a movie with me then?" This year I decided to go back to school and only work part-time because I am so sick of him being lazy. He plays devils advocate all the time, on everything I say. And when we are low on money, he tells me that we need to make cut-backs. Then he goes golfing, 50 miles away, because he had a coupon! He uses a golf cart so there is little or no physical exercise whatsoever. I bet he has gained 60 lbs since we have been married and I have gained 25 but because I had a kid. The only redeeming factors is that he is a good cook (but messy and fattening),and is romantic sometimes but that is only because he wants nookey. He can't even pay the bills on time. I had to get a separate account and now he hides money from me in antoher bank account. I don't care too much though because I never got any of it anyway. I buy clearanced makeup, shop for $8 shirts, and only own 5 pairs of shoes. flip flops, 1 inch heels, one set of loafers, a pair of ecco clearance things from TJmaxx, and a pair of silver heels from my friend's wedding. I have tried to cut corners so much that I don't even go out with my friends much anymore. I can't afford to pay for the dinner. Man are aggressive and that is ONLY why it's a man's world.
JoSe on September 25, 2011:
Do the same thing and then he will realize you are doing the same thing he has been doing for years, and maybe he'll decide enough is enough. No Fat Chance!
becmn65 on September 16, 2011:
I am sorry for your situation. I would love to married to you because my husband won't let me stay home with our son. I work full time and do all the housework. The only thing I can think of is that your wife is just lazy. Or she knows you will take of everything so why should she do it. I would have a long talk with her and tell her what you expect (dinner nightly and a (not spotless) but orderly house) If she doesn't work outside the home then THAT is her job inside the home-to clean, prepare dinner and take care of the kids. If she doesn't start doing her job then fire her as a stay at home mom and make her get a job outside. She doesn't know how blessed she is to be able to do that. Maybe counseling would help also.
Tired&only27 on August 28, 2011:
I feel bad for most the women on here My mom worked and after work she came home and cooked ands cleaned and fed the kids, the most my dad ever did was organize the mail or wipe the counter other then that he was making his dent in the sofa or his be in front of the TV. So I vowed to never be like that. Ky wife doesn't work (as planned before marriage) we have a 3 year old and 18 month old boys. And I don't expect her to be q house maid or have everything spotless or something but every day I come home from work to find food or drink adhered to the floor table or sofa, dishes all dirty trash everywhere but the garbage and her and the boys are always hungry. So what do I do? I clean I cook (or order out) feed the kids, bath the kids, get them in bed, and then eat whatever I made (cold). I've tried everything to motivate her and she knows she's lazy but nothing works! After 5 years of this I'm exhausted and unhappy and because of that I too am starting to not care and be lazy at home and our house becomes disgusting. Oh she won't even let me pay someone to clean mostly I think because it would just be a testament to her laziness. I love her but I just cant let this go on, HELP!
mencanbesickofittoo on August 07, 2011:
I cook about half the time, I do all my own laundry (I'm not allowed to do hers because I "don't do it right"), I do all the maintenance on the house and cars, I repair anything that's broken, I mow and do all the other tedious chores around the grounds (gardening is her exclusive prerogative), I pay the bills and keep the books, I seldom have fewer than three remodeling/home improvement projects underway, I keep the garbage and recycling taken out, oh, and I also have a job.
She does all the grocery shopping and a bit more than half of the cooking, and a lot of the cleaning, although I do quite a bit more cleaning than is ever acknowledged. Yet I still face the resentment and attitude because I "don't do enough to help around the house," by which she means that she think I don't do enough housecleaning. Apparently none of the other stuff counts as contributing to the running of the household--only housecleaning does.
No matter how much the guy is doing, if he's not also keeping the house clean, he's a lazy good-for-nothing ass who deserves hatred and contempt, and frequent tongue-lashings. I used to clean the bathroom regularly. She'd clean it again because it's only really clean if she's cleaned it. Since it was a waste of time, I stopped doing it. Same with the kitchen. I keep the dishes cleaned up, run the dishwasher and unload it, keep the counters wiped down, and so on. None of that counts--it's only clean if she cleaned it, and then she's sullen about doing it.
I do the things I do gladly, I don't resent her for not doing them, and I don't ever mutter under my breath about "why isn't SHE up on the goddam ladder scooping nasty stinking half-rotten leaves out of the gutter?" as she does when she's mopping the kitchen floor.
As for sex, she cut me off years ago. Announced she was no longer interested. Of course if I turned to someone else, I'd be a dirty lousy no-good cheater. She decided she didn't ever want to have sex again for the rest of her life when she was 43, so of course I don't ever get to have it again either. Since I've had the nerve to express a little resentment about that, I'm sure the women on here are going to unload on me. Go right ahead, but before you start in on the routine about how I must be a fat, lazy, out-of-shape unappealing couch potato, allow me to inform you that I work out 3 to 5 days a week and am in better physical condition now at age 59 than I was at 30, when we met.
I'm also perfectly willing to let her process everything that happened at her stressful and demanding job every evening when she comes home, listening attentively and making supportive comments at appropriate moments, indicating that I understand her feelings about the events she's relating without presuming to offer solutions, which I've learned is what she (and most women) want. I do this even though hearing about that stuff makes me want to scream.
There's two sides to everything, ladies, and the next time you feel resentful and angry about how your husband "doesn't do anything" why don't you try looking at the situation from his perspective? Maybe he resents having the things he does dismissed as unimportant. It's not just the things that you would do, and wish he would do so you wouldn't have to, that matter. Maybe he's done a lot of things that would never occur to you, but which, if not done, would make a big difference. Have you changed a furnace filter lately? Do you know how? When the filter gets changed it's not visible, as it is when the kitchen floor is mopped (unless you open the furnace), but it matters whether it gets changed.
justdoit on July 23, 2011:
Grown men should not be treated like little children. They should see what needs to be done,and do it-- be a fair partner in work and play. Men who are selfish and lazy are not vert sexy in my mind. You know what I mean :-)
LInda on July 15, 2011:
I don't really agree that this is always the case. I've been married twice and I have asked very little as far as help. Any time I have asked, they screw things up so badly, I never want to ask them to do anything again,
Example - the toilet was clogged, I asked him to put some draino down to clear the clog, he ended up cutting the pipe and now our sewage drains out onto the lawn.
Two screws were a little loose on the front door handle, I asked him to tighten them. We no longer have a door handle, well, we do, but it's in a box in the living room and there is a hole in the door.
sickntired63 on July 12, 2011:
I think the advice in this column is absurd. Nobody asks me to do just one task around the house or thanks me profusely for getting off my butt and actually doing it! I work full time AND run a small home based business and my husband also works full time. However, I earn about twice what he does between my two businesses. My husband does nothing without being nagged and next to nothing when I do goad him into actually doing something around the house! Fortunately, I have a housekeeper who comes every two weeks and takes care of basic stuff like dusting, vacuuming, etc. However, I still do all of the cooking, all of the cleanup, all of the laundry, cleaning three litter boxes and straightening up the house in the interim when the housekeeper comes. My husband can't even bothered to pick up after himself. He comes home from work and his work clothes are strewn about the living room. He lays on the couch watching tv and eats and drinks. His dirty dishes, bottles and glasses stay on the coffee table until I remove them. He wouldn't think of taking out the garbage without being asked even if he has to stuff something into the overflowing can. We lived in our house for 10 years before he knew how to turn on the dishwasher. He still doesn't know how to use the washer and dryer. He goes shopping and buys things and the boxes, bags and packages are just left whereever he happens to open the item around the house. No thought of putting it in the trash can. We have a whole room of our house that is completely unusable because of the mountain of trash and unopened bags that are in there. It looks like an episode of "Hoarders". His shoes are all over the front hallway, 10-12 pairs. The book shelf in the front hallway is covered with invoices and paperwork from his job that are years old. It's the first thing anyone coming into our house sees and I'm embarrassed to have people over because it's a disgrace. He won't clean it out yet he won't let me clean it out either. The same thing with our "hoarder" room. I wanted to clean it out over July 4 weekend and he threatened me that I better not get rid of anything in that room! So, not only will he not help me clean out our house, he refuses to allow me to do it! The icing on the cake is that we live right next door to his parents and his mother is constantly whining about how they never see me. Well, they never see me because I'm too busy supporting and cleaning up after their lazy, good for nothing son! I blame my in laws for their son being a lazy ass. She never worked and still waits on my father in law hand and foot. It's because of their crappy child rearing that their son is a loaf!
Professor on July 04, 2011:
I have a full time job and part time job, a ten year old and i'm pregnant. My husband of 14 years is unemployed and has been since our first child was born. He has two chores.. Take the trash and pick up my daughter from school. I dont nag, I dont beg, I dont criticize- but that advice sucks and has never worked. I think its time to call it 'quits' because my attempts to hold my marriage together only enable his laziness more! Btw-i advise against marrying your high school sweetheart, avoid the 16 years of stress.
adamie on June 30, 2011:
You forgot the rest of the story...then Adam said, "You're right Eve, this is boring, we're way too old to still be living in our Parent's house." Then Eve asked, "But how can we escape this incredibly dull life?" And Adam sat down in the grass to watch the bears play with the falcons and said, "I don't know I'll do it sometime next week...if it's such a big deal you think of something!" And he was too lazy to even imagine himself a beer or some pizza, so Eve had to imagine everything for the both of them.
One day a handsome talking snake saw Eve's misery and decided to help a sister out, Eve took his good advice, got divorced and lived happily ever after although she did a kind of lousy job raising the kids what with the incest and all... the rest is history... if you believe in talking snakes, magical fruit, and imaginary dudes who make people out of ribs. THE END
evie on June 28, 2011:
"Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, "Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we'll never age, we'll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them." And Eve said, "Yeah... it's just not enough is it?"
I had enough on June 21, 2011:
My husband has been on & off working since the economy went down & the pressure was always on me because my job is stable & consistent. He would always say "uh there might not be any more work so i might go on unemployment again". And now he's on disability for almost 3 months now.. I can count with one finger how many times he has cleaned the whole entire house or cooked a home meal for the family. I've been on disability where i had a huge major surgery & almost died, but was able to pick up after myself and still cook & clean! I've worked and clean and cooked everyday! Where's my time to relax??????
Mad Wife on June 21, 2011:
My husband rarely ever does any housework. I cook, I do the dishes, I do the laundry, I keep the house tidy, I make the bed, I raise our child. I'm a SAHM and he works part time and the rest he spends on the computer playing WOW. The computer will be on the other end of the sledge hammer before too long.
Susie on June 14, 2011:
I have read the article and tried it all and nothing works on my husband. He used to at least show some appreciation for all my work but now I get nothing. He literally spends most of the weekend in bed playing on his computer or sleeping while I do all the laundry, gardening, cleaning literally everything. He doesn't drive so I have to drive him here there and everywhere. I do all the cooking and then clean up afterwards. I cannot remember the last time he even touched a washing machine. I once folded all his clothes and asked him to put them away - he ignored them until bedtime when he simply put them on the floor and the dog slept on them. I had to wash them all over again. Why do I do this on top of a full time job you ask. It just happened so slowly that I didnt' see it coming until it was an ingrained pattern. I have cried, shouted, begged and bargained him for some sharing of responsibility and I get nothing or he just explodes in anger and twists the argument on to my perceived rudeness or nastiness tohim. I have deliberately left everything thinking he will just get fed up and do it himself and he didn't. He seems happy to live like a pig. The worst thing is that I seem to spend my life cleaning up after him. As soon as I clean something he will leave food wrappers on it or just dump his things on the floor. I will hoover and he will just eat over the floor dropping crumbs. When I complain even nicely he says I am moody and bad tempered. It is like I don't have a right to complain. How do we get ourselves in these rutts. I hear myself saying life it too short and I am not even sure I like him but why do I feel so trapped. If I could snap my fingers and just make it all go away I would in a heartbeat. Says a lot about our marriage. We don't even have children. All I ever wanted was to be a mother. I adore children but it never happened for us. I begged him for years to go to a dr so we could get tested and when he finally did we found out the issue was him and the icing on the cake was that he suspected it all along., I feel like he has now cost me the chance of being a mother.
robyn on June 05, 2011:
Ur advice sucks it dont work at all sayin that nuffin works im 21 and got a 7 month old daughter i get up at 6 with her sort her out sort myself out wake my lazy man up go to work and work my arse off to get enough money for the bills go home sort the baby out tidy up a bit do the food and then sort the baby out agen by the time i get to sit down and relax its bout 10.00 on my day off i cant spend ot playin wiv my daughter i have to go do the shoppin on my own go home clean the whole house then do some food i love my man but just wish he wasn't such a lazy t**t im fed up of his excuses bout him lookin after the baby all day shell happily sit in her walker and play while hes doin things and wot bout wen shes asleep wot does he do then sit on his arse in front of the tv. Am i askin too much off him to do a bit of cleanin while im at work?
Jen on June 04, 2011:
I have tried these suggestions. Just give him one thing to do. Ask him to do it once, but he forgets, so I have to do it. I have told him he did a good job on things he has actually done, but that doesn't motivate him to do more. I think he's selfish and if he isn't directly going to benefit from it then he sees no point in doing it. We both work full time, when he gets home he sits in front of the tv, or reads his book. On weekends he plays computer games all day, while I do the house or yard work. My dad always did work around the house and yard. He likes doing yard work. He recognized that he and my mom both had full time jobs and they split the work. My dad would start a project and take a while to finish it, yes, but at least he started something. What happened to men? They aren't like they used to be.
Joan on May 22, 2011:
I can't believe there is so many people in the same position as myself. I work up to 60 hours a week, he works 40 hours at the most. I get up at 6.30, get my 8 year old daughter up and dressed for school, make her lunch and my partners lunch, get myself ready for work then drop my daughter to my parent for 8.00am and they put her on the school bus at 9.00am.I then head to work and if I'm lucky,I'll get home for about 7.30.then I must prepare dinner, while it's cooking I do homework,then serve dinner and wash up afterwards. (my partner has been home since 5pm.)then I must get his and my daughters clothes ready for the next day and do a wash. Then try to stay awake long enough to read a bedtime story to my daughter. Back down the stairs, I make my partner a cup of tea and give the fat lazy slob a full packet of biscuits in the hope that he won't say a word to me which would make me use up the very last of my sanity to try respond in a polite manner. Oh, I forgot to mention that he has been on 2 weeks holiday from work and the house is worse than I left it when I get home and I have also forgot to mention that I am almost 6 months pregnant. When I try talk to him ( and I would treat my 8year old with more maturity) he sulks. He actually sits there and says he can't believe I think he is lazy...... Then gives me the silent treatment. I do not take sulking from my daughter so I won't take it from a 36 year old man. Yet, here we are asked to baby our men to make them feel good, but when their friends are around, we are suppose to say how manly they are? And they say women are too hard to work out. Looking at him slouched on the sofa now, I'm thinking of investing in a sledge hammer.
Radiantbeauty82 on May 21, 2011:
I am working on better ways to deal with my frustration concerning my husband and his lack of "do". I have tried praising him when he helps around the house and with the kids, but for some reason that seems to push him to do LESS. I don't know what else to do other than pray. He comes from a home where his [single] mother did EVERYTHING for him and he is used to having everything handled for him. So, it does not phase him for me to run myself into the ground working a 9 to 5 (while he works 2-3hrs/day for 3 days a week), caring for our home and children, working towards my doctorate, and paying most of the bills. He is fine with that. I have tried talking to him, but it always leads to an argument, so now I just don't say anything at all. I just shut down and keep a distance from him. And it's actually funny to me that he doesn't seem to understand how I can possibly be tired all the time and not want to be intimate with him. It is amazing to me how many men just don't get it. Then, to add fuel to the fire, mother's day the only reason he even opened his mouth to me was to start an argument. No cards, no flowers, no NOTHING. I was very hurt. Even our 3 year old daughter made me a card. Our 4 year old son went outside and picked me a flower. A male co-worker bought me a dozen roses and a card. My own husband- he did nothing. I know I have alot to learn about being a wife and relating with a husband, but what can I do to encourage him to work with me (like a partnership) and to value me?
walks softly on May 14, 2011:
my hubby works and that's it~ no garbage no lawn no nothing but work then the computer when he is home.He will fight me and blame everything but his lazy ways for not doing things.I will never love anyone like how I love him but now he is just aloof and lazy all the time and it is making me edgy and annoyed.I stay at home now but it was the same when I worked.I'm disappointed and don't have the energy to try to get him of his butt then have to do it myself anyway.It is not like I am asking him to move mountains.Too bad our relationship has to be less then it could be over running the vacuum or putting away some dishes!
cathy on May 08, 2011:
wow women everywhere are experiencing the same thing I am Lazy ass men. i too am so sick of my man after18 years of marriage i do evertythin. In the beggining he was in army i stayed home i didn't mind doing everthing cause i wasn't working. than i became an lpn worked overnights worked 70hours aweek he was unemployed and did nothing no wash no dinner no nothing i did it all well now hes still unemployed watches tv all day smokes and drinks all day thank god my kids are grown doent even look for a job. well thank god i was smart enough to stash extra money away cause i am leaving his ass hope he can find another woman who will do everthing women need to stop doing everthing don't cook dont clean dont do a damn thing than run like hell and get away that's what i am doing no more slave just freakin freedom
cntstaywifeynomore on April 30, 2011:
My husband and I have been married for 6 years. He VERY VERY rarely help me in the house. He's NEVER done laundry or put them away by himself. We both work and have a son. I think it's unfair. I am sick and tired but I'm stuck. I think this is because he's been pampered by his parents and as soon as he moved out we got married.It sucks!
CagedBird on April 18, 2011:
I have been with my husband for 20 years, married for 18. I was (I now realise) a very naïve 20 year old when we met, he is 17 years older than me. It has taken years for me to realise that the cause of my depression over the years is not me, it's his inability to act like a grown man. I am now on pills for anxiety as I've got to the stage where I simply cannot cope any more. If I had somewhere to go I would have left already, but with 3 children I can't do that. I work full-time because I have to - he has taken a lower paid job because it's a nice easy job, never mind that we have a family to raise. I am also studying further through my job to try and earn a better wage. I come home from work and have to start on the cooking, cleaning etc - my weekends consist of washing, ironing, shopping and more housework. He gets in from work, grabs the tv remote and sits on his arse for the night - his weekends consist of the same, sitting on his arse, watching whatever sport is in season at that time. He orders this kids around to make him tea, fetch him ear-buds so that he can clean his ears out from the comfort of the sofa and then just leave the filthy ear-bud on the coffee table. Then... he expects me to be turned on?!!! He makes sarcastic comments about me being frigid - I just so desperate to get away. My heart sinks when he gets home from work, and a weight lifts when he's not around. He accused me of having an affair once because I was never in the mood - I actually left him at that point, only to return a couple of days later as I had nowhere to go. He contributes nothing to our children's birthdays, christmas presents, pocket money etc - just sits back and lets me clean my bank account out. I have asked him to contribute and he gets arsey. This is not a life, and as awful as it sounds, I can't wait for my children to get to school leaving age so I can finally get a life away from him.
Pinkflowers11 on April 09, 2011:
I went to my therapist last week and told her I am overwhelmed by the amount of work I am having to do. All the "little" extra things that my fiancé asks me to do are wearing me out. She says that I should not be doing any of his jobs. He is the one who needs to take care of himself. Not that it is wrong to help another person, but it can not be a daily job. If he doesn't take care of his needs, then it just doesn't get done. He has to deal with it. NOT my problem. Feeling bad for him, feeling pressured,or "loving" him are not reasons to do anything that he could or should be doing. I also have a problem with feeling that I "should" do things for him because I love him. She says that I will work, work, and work, and NEVER get anything accomplished. She is 100% right. So I told him about our conversation and he said at one point, "So let me get this right, you won't EVER do anything for me again." " I thought you were doing these things because you enjoyed doing it!".........MEN, OOOOOOOOh they get me sooooooo angry!!!!!! Sometimes everything with them is sooo extreme. It is either black or white. Telling him I am overwhelmed and can't do all of these things to him is " I am not doing anything anymore!" LOL.
24yr old fiance on April 08, 2011:
I've been with my fiancé for 7 years now, yes, we were 18 when we began to share an apartment together. I've been able to train him well in some areas. If i ask for a glass of milk he will get it for me, or hand me my purse when i want something out of it. If there is a problem with the car or if the oil needs changing he will get it done. He makes more money than i do and works more hours (now) so i don't mind doing a little more around the house than he does. (I'm also a more-than-full-time student).I'd never ask him to scrub baseboards, the tub, the toilet, the blinds, etc. The problem is the everyday chores. The dishes, the laundry, the garbage, etc. He REFUSES to do the dishes because that was his chore when he was a little boy AND he says his hands get tingly (i bought gloves but he doesn't use them). He uses his allergies as an excuse to get out of doing the dusting, vacuuming, and the laundry. (We have more than 3 cats and smoke in the house so the dust builds fast). How can i get him to simply wash a dish? I don't want to marry a baby.
Older and Wiser on April 07, 2011:
Have you noticed how many women seem to have the same problem? Lazy slob husbands that don’t help with the housework, and don’t care if it gets done. And we’re uniting in the fact that he is a bum and we’re not alone. BUT, have you stopped to think that maybe we’re approaching this the wrong way? Why does a dog chase cars? It’s annoying and bad for him, but he won’t stop. Why? Because he’s a dog.
Our problem is that we want our men to think like we do, see things like we do, and act like we do. The dishes are dirty, you want them clean, so he should want them clean, right? Wrong. You know why? Because he’s a man. Men’s hormones and chemical makeup are different than ours. Women can actually release stress when doing dishes. Men relieve stress by watching TV. Part of the genius behind the suggestions above is that they are asking you to treat your man based on how HIS brain/emotions/chemicals work, not yours.
John Gray, the author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” has a new book called “Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice” that talks about the difference between men and women’s hormones. I’ve been married for 22 years and gone through some hellacious periods with my husband – learning to understand the difference between men and women has saved my marriage.
Soo tired on April 05, 2011:
My husband of 14 years still doesn't get it. I knew what I was getting myself into based on how how filthy his apartment use to be when we were still dating. He's gotten better over the years especially after our 2 sons were born. I work full time and pretty much the breadwinner of the household, he works 10-15 hours less than I do. On my days off I always have a project in mind in addition to the regular chores. Special projects mean: organizing bills, organizing kitchen cabinets, putting shelves up etc. My husband is under the impression that's days off should be devoted to doing nothing! And that he's doing me a favor by doing chores on his days off. I should be thankful that he doesn't drink, do drugs, or he claims plays video games all day. He's jealous of a husband who does this all day, but that husband works 12 hour shifts and makes a lot more money than mine. My husband was raised by a single mom who did everything for him. My 8 yr old is now noticing how his father is content with finishing things "half-ass" and I am afraid that he will turn out the same way. I got home today and all he did was put away the laundry while watching our 3 year old on his day off. There were dishes in the sink and the hOuse was a mess! After I cooked dinner and fed the family, I sat down with my kids to relax, he stared dozing off. I got up and started to put the dishes away...I asked him why the house was a mess, he started getting upset and went on with it's his day off and I don't appreciate him
Pinkflowers11 on April 01, 2011:
Wow, I didn't realize that so many women have this problem. I have been dealing with my lazy fiancé who does just about nothing. If he does ONE cleaning job, or ANY other chore that needs done, he reminds me for the next two weeks (angrily)how wonderful he was for doing that and I have no right to say that he doesn't do very much! He gets on my nerves. He had been talking for the last five days about fixing a light switch in his mom's kitchen, and how he needs to go out to buy a new switch (he made it sound like he was going to build a new house). So today, when I am going to the store,he asked me to pick up some new light switches at the store for him. I am so sick of doing little favors for him. I totally agree with how Gaggle feels. I am tired, becoming very resentful, fed-up with his laziness, the list goes on and on. Why should any woman have to make suggestions or use tactics to get a husband, fiancé, or boyfriend to GROW-UP and behave like an ADULT! I think the article here is completely ridiculous, and demeaning for women.
drained on March 31, 2011:
Ok I work 43 (if not more) I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old(both boys) and I'm 8 weeks pregnant. My husband works maybe 20 to 30 hrs week. So I'm the "bread winner" of the house. He works nights I work days. He sits here all day with my 2 year old (5 yearold is at school) and does nothing ever great once in a while he might sweep. It drives me crazy. Then he decides to get cats and won't keep the litter box clean. I can't do it since I'm pregnant drs orders. He expects me to come home and clean after working 8 to 9 hrs a day and do it all when he only works 5 to 6 hrs a night. Granite I have a office job but still I have no time with my boys as it is much less coming home to a trashed house everyday. I need help and he is the most stubborn person ever! I've tried to just not do anything and see if he decides to help then but no he just let's it pile on and on. Any suggestions??
Chouji-Von-Lycan on March 31, 2011:
lol, i loved it :) an enjoyable read
Chouji-Von-Lycan on March 31, 2011:
lol, i loved it :) an enjoyable read
Monica on March 27, 2011:
I am going on strike from housework, including cooking, until things change around here. The only time my husband realized how much I really do around the house was last year when I broke my hip and was on bed rest for three months. We're only 29 and don't even have kids yet! I work full-time and he has a seasonal job, so he's unemployed right now, but won't help with anything until I get mad at him for doing nothing. All he does without asking is clean the cat's litter box, take out the trash and shovel the snow. I'm tired of cleaning, cooking, doing the laundry, washing dishes, paying bills, grocery shopping and picking up after him.
Jason on March 16, 2011:
I read this to see if there was a way I could my lazy girlfriend away from the TV to help me do ANYTHING around the house. I do 98% of it myself!
WhereDidTheHappinessGo on March 13, 2011:
I have been sitting here reading all the comments people have written. And I see that I am not alone in wanting my husband to help out with the housework or help with anything. I was starting to think I was the only one dealing with this crap! LOL! And I know all the suggestions that were listed above will not work on my husband.
All he wants to do all day long is lay in bed (or on the couch) watching tv. I am so tired of doing every thing. He wont pick up after his self, it takes him forever to actually fix any thing around the house. He just simply rejects doing any kind of house work.
I have came to the point where I have went on strike! Just to see if it will make him pick up at least one thing! Nope hasn't happened yet. All he has done is complained about how things are beginning to look. I don't get it at all, why can't he help? Why is it all on me??? I just can't do every thing any more! He doesn't have a job, he is unemployed.
I am to the point where I want to leave him. I just can't take it any more. Then on the top of every thing that I do for him, he wants to poke jokes at me, or tell me how I am doing it wrong. I'm just so tired, and I have so much resentment towards him. I never used to feel this way....I'm just sick of it!
djstreet on March 02, 2011:
I read this after working a full day, starting the laundry and making . In 23 years of marriage and kids I have never come home (even when he was laid off) to dinner and the household humming along, homework started, piano practiced. My husband doesn't say even a thank you. And his mother says I don't truly appreciate HIM!
ande4874 on February 24, 2011:
all i want is the man to throw away his pizza hut box and fold his own clothes, i don't want to praise him for something a five year old can do!
Myrs on February 14, 2011:
My partner is such a lazy man, I worked full time, and He work part time, we have 3 kids and i always pay half of all bills. but all households chores are mine, after worked in the office i still working at home doing, washing, dishes, cleaning, cooking and everything inside the house. And he do nothing after his worked. It is so unfair. I want to leave him now. i hate him!!!!!!
Steadfast on February 13, 2011:
I don't presume to have all the answers as I am still in the same boat. I believe that yelling, like spanking, doesn't work long term and leads to resentment. Instead, sit down with your spouse daily, weekly, & talk. Not yell but to communicate often what it is that you are feeling and what's going on. Agree beforehand that if one yells that the conversation is over and say, "we will try again next time." There is no reason to yell. You will not see a change the first time nor maybe for months. Keep communication open at all times and make a point to treat your spouse as your best friend during the conversation. Even if you do not feel that way. Think about it, when was the last time you yelled at your friend? Did you yell the next time or try to make things right? We treat those closest to us the worst because we feel safe to do so. Yet we treat our friends better. Our spouse may not be our best friend but they can be.