Marriage Advice For Wives of Alpha Males
When it comes to romantic relationship material you wouldn’t have married your alpha male husband unless you were the sole object of his considerable passion. I have to admit the most seductive quality of my alpha male was his total and substantial focus on me. How can you go wrong with a guy that loves you so very, very much? Well, not to downplay the wonderfully positive benefits of chemistry and a man who knows what he wants, and what he wants is you, just you and nobody else but you…but, warning….there may be a couple of unseen hurdles down the road.
"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul." - Judy Garland
The Flip Side of the Highly Passionate Man
Once my husband and I hunkered down into a day to day routine, the rhythm of our new, dual life, I noticed a few more things about my romantic partner's emotional makeup. (Listen up, this may be an excellent time for marriage advice for newlyweds!) Does any of this sound familiar?
High passion can be a two-sided coin.
Happiness and anger; both are expressed in high octane. My alpha male has one gear when he’s frustrated. Perhaps it’s true that men have less emotional choices than women, and therefore switch into the anger mode more often and with greater ease. On the HealthGuidance site, Margrit Bradley says, “Many men will often express emotions such as rage or frustrations significantly more than other emotions such as depression. This is thought to be because these emotions are considered by many to be 'male emotions'." Whatever the reason, I couldn’t have been more surprised that my husband’s outbursts had little to do with the gravity of the issues; from stubbed toe to smashed up car, the intensity was the same. Intense.
However, once I got over my unhappy reaction to the outbursts, since that did little to help the situation, and witnessed the scene time and again, it occurred to me that his turbulent nature was harder on him than it was on me. Being frustrated and at a loss for useful words (because let’s face it, as the emotional temperature rises, the logical ability declines), is not a happy place to be.
Marriage Counseling Already?
Can he not hear my voice?
Dear wives of alpha males: Anyone giving marriage advice will be familiar with many of our complaints. Another little trait that I found annoying was my husband's blatant disregard for a different point of view. Why did I not notice this before? After many, many frustrating debates, it finally dawned on me; any idea that is not his idea gets minimal credibility. I have to admit, when the one you love dismisses your ideas and opinions, it’s an ego-banger! Ouch.
But, with a little experience under my belt, it became apparent that he does this with everyone, everywhere; he just isn’t as obvious about it with others. He's the kind of guy that has to experience it to believe it. Which means my ideas aren’t exactly dismissed, they are just out there in the further reaches of his mind, echoing softly. He may come up with the same conclusion next week; if it’s important I may have to gently repeat it a couple of times in different ways, until he sees it. The alpha male husband is simply hard-of-hearing to other people’s ideas. Actually, putting aside my ego, it’s really not so bad. He’s always confident of his decisions, which I like in the head-of-household (no, I'm not interested in being the head of the household, that would make me the man), and he spends very little time hemming and hawing when things need to get done. I don't know about you, but I'm hitching my wagon to the sturdiest steed, bumpy ride and all!
The inaccessible island.
On the journey of becoming one, a woman envisions sharing hopes and dreams; being emotionally attached; the romance novel come alive! However, real life topics of conversation with my true love turned out to be short and impersonal; weather, restaurants and cars. All attempts to lead into and recall our deeply personal interchanges fell flat; often met with a joke, a shrug or total misunderstanding. Concerned about whether he was upset about anything, I might ask,“How are you feeling hon..,” to be answered with, “My shoulder hurts a little.” You begin to realize this guy is not into sharing his feelings. In the old days, that might have bothered me. But now, I realize he figures he has the deep issues covered, he loves me and will never leave me; and that about wraps it up.
Pushy and bossy.
Perhaps the most annoying behavior faux paus of my husband is his sometimes mis-informed interpretation of what it means to lead. Simply being ‘bossy’ is not a leadership quality. I personally have no problem with showering my loved ones with time and attention, however, at the first sign of entitlement, my good nature turns cold. Providing excellent nurturing is very different than taking demands and orders. Sometimes, my alpha mate, basking in his good fortune, mistakenly allows his role to become a bit authoritarian. But, my new knowledge concerning his assets and deficits, makes it easy to see how he could make this unfortunate mistake.
Marriage Advice For Extreme Relating
How Did We Get To This Place?
You may wonder what went wrong; or what you did wrong; or whether your alpha male really loves you after all. Relax. He probably does. He's just a guy. Look what I found out about my triple-Leo Cuban man:
Per Testosterone and Dominance in Men by Dr.'s Mazur, Allan and Booth, "In men, high levels of endogenous testosterone (T) seem to encourage behavior apparently intended to dominate -- to enhance one's status over -- other people. Sometimes dominant behavior is aggressive, its apparent intent being to inflict harm on another person, but often dominance is expressed nonaggressively. Sometimes dominant behavior takes the form of antisocial behavior, including rebellion against authority and law breaking."
And, Culturally speaking:
“On the other hand, [Cuban] boys are taught to be macho, act manly, and follow their father's work. Men are expected to be strong and aggressive. Sometimes the men are even violent,” says Evana Huffman in Sex and Gender in Cuba
Plus, Psychologically speaking:
“The difference between aggressive behavior in the sexes is significant. The greater aggressiveness of the male is one of the best established, and most pervasive, of all psychological sex differences,'' writes Brice Nelson in his article Aggression: Still Stronger Trait For Males as published in the New York Times.
And finally, Astrologically Speaking (yes, I'm even going there):
“Leos make loving and loyal partners, particularly if they are allowed to make all the important decisions….As they are so good at commanding and directing others, it is not surprising that Leos regard it as almost perverse for others to attempt to command them. They resent such attempts and, if the attempt persists for long, can become extremely angry (and regally Leonine)." Source: futurescopes.com
The bottom line is, all of this, or none of this may be true. It doesn't really matter why or how our bigger-than-life guys got that way; it doesn't change anything. We are holding the cards we've been dealt. If you're like me, you're in it to win it. As far as my partner and I are concerned, we’re in it for the love, the absence of which would put a whole different spin on things. But with that as the foundation, and knowing we both want our marriage to prevail, we work with it. By the way, here's one definition of love--this life-changing emotion. According to thefreedictionary: “A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair."
Bringing Back The Romance In Your Marriage
Romantic Relationships With Alpha Males At Work
Are these alpha male behaviors attractive? No. Are all of these behaviors fair? Probably not. Are all of these behaviors kind? Sometimes not. Unfortunately, trying to win a debate to prove any of these points will not solve the problem. Because, let’s face it, you can’t change anyone’s behavior by talking them into it, anyway.
So how do we reconcile our alpha male mate with our vision of loving togetherness and become that soulful one? Here’s how Dr. Phil describes it: "Think about yourself as being at the bottom of a steep hill, and you're trying to pull a wagon up to the top of the hill. If you're both pulling it up the hill, you're going to get there. If one of you is pulling left and one of you is puling right, you're expending a lot of energy, and the wagon's not moving at all..."
I have never experienced changing an adult’s behavior in a significant way, although I have experienced an adult whose behavior has changed as a result of me changing mine. In other words we can’t control anyone but ourselves. Here are some behavior modifiers within the context of marriage, that worked for me.
Getting Him On-Board.
Keep The Chatter To a Minimum
Despite what they say about communicate, communicate, communicate; dispense with the girl talk. He is not your girlfriend, he is not your mother, he is not Dear Abby. Your alpha mate has little patience with gabbing. If you need to express yourself, vent your every emotion, analyze all of your interesting little revelations, call your homey. This guy uses communication to exchange facts, get an action plan, and get things done. Too much feminine input, and your guy will turn the volume down even further. You are perfectly capable of amusing yourself outside his circle of awareness.
Take The First Step Seriously, Gently, Firmly
However, there is a time and a place for important dialogue. The time is when he’s emotionally available; since he won’t communicate this, you will have learn to notice his ‘open for business’ moments. It may be during coffee in the morning, after he showers, or in bed before he falls asleep. This is the time to very directly confirm what needs to be done. Look him in the eye, and very diplomatically explain ‘we need to try to take the tension (anger, disrespect, bad energy, name-calling, etc.) out of our relationship. Because I Iove you babe, and this isn’t working for me.” Done. It doesn’t matter what he says at the moment. You can ask “Are you with me on this?” If you get a nod, that’s fantastic. If you get a grunt, that’s good. If you get an argument, or even a reprimand, shrug it off. Repeat next week.
Numb to No
Keep in mind, your guy is going to have a lot of knee-jerk reactions that you can ignore. Just imagine some little tough kid bragging and braying in the park to let everyone know he's top dog. There is a lot of ‘guff’ you may hear from your guy that you can consider rhetorical comments. Not needing a reply. Plus, just as we nurturing types have a hard time saying no, these guys might have a hard time being agreeable. Our job is to take it in stride. For me, this sometimes means I’m simply numb to the word no. If I suggest something that I feel is important and good for us, I always ignore a negative response; lay it out again later with a different approach, always calm and confident. Don’t confuse this with nagging; nagging is repetitive, self-centered, inconsiderate and annoying. Nobody likes a nag.
On The Same Page
Now that the problem has been communicated, with the critical issue being that it’s not good for the marriage, and has received affirmation from him, you are both on the same page. (You know your man, you’ll know when he’s with you.) By the way, in the actual discussion, it’s very useful to avoid using the words, "you" or "I"; anything that can be couched with “we” or “us” is going to be heard with much less defensiveness and opposition. We have a problem, is much easier to hear than, you have a problem. The objective was just to get both parties in agreement with the big picture; having done this, you’ve created the backdrop for your behavior modification program—otherwise known as, your new attitude.
Your Action Plan
I repeat, Getting On The Same page is critical, however, it doesn’t mean he will take any action to get ‘er done. He simply will not fight you, too much, as you attempt to iron out the wrinkles. This plan is based on the fact that one can only change one’s own behavior. The launching sequence will be activated by you. By the way in which you govern your own behavior. The sweet part of this deal is, when you have a partner that loves you, the odds are very high, his behavior will modify in response to yours. It takes consistency and patience to see this miracle happen. But, it can happen; I’m blessed to say it’s happened for me.
That is not to say that both parties are not responsible for a successful marriage, or that the problematic behavior to be addressed is only on your end; only that, as one tool for success we’re focusing on the role you play concerning his behavior and responses and reactions that will or will not work.
Kaboom! Living with passion without igniting the fuse.
Develop Your Problem Solving Skills
Deflect, Defuse, Or Disengage
One of the first things I noticed about my he-man was his hot temper. Well, he is a fire sign, and on the positive side, once vented, the issue is gone, like electricity through a lightning rod. He never holds a grudge. My alpha readily admits he “…doesn’t have a short fuse, he has no fuse!” Seeing the vein beating in his neck, I understand that he doesn’t enjoy losing his cool. Down deep, he really doesn’t want to be ‘that guy’. Depending on the situation, I choose one of three ways to handle it.
Your three alternatives:
Deflect: If you can recognize the pressure building up, you may be able to anticipate the lightning strike. My guy has a poker face and his ‘tells’ are quite subtle. He has a little habit of rubbing his fingers together when he’s mulling something over; and everything and everybody annoys him…the other drivers, the commercials, the weather…so there’s more cussing and growling. Sometimes I ask if there’s anything on his mind, let him know he seems distracted, but it’s up to him to share. However, calling his attention to his changing mood actually helps him to see himself. I try to help him focus elsewhere. Food is always good, maybe he was just hungry; rubbing his shoulders might bring him back to a good frame of mind; or, a trip to Home Depot or Dick’s Sporting Goods, where he’ll find better things to think about.
Defuse: However, since anger is almost always a sign of frustration, and if I’m close enough to witness the problem, I do try to clear it up. The waitress hasn’t been back to refill his coffee, maybe he needs to notice how busy the dining room is. Anything to de-personalize the situation, because along with anger comes the temptation to take it personally and amplify the offense.
Disengage: Finally, there may be times, when you just cannot affect the situation in a positive way. If a disagreement escalates and he becomes aggressive, it’s time to disengage. There are moments when I have to say to my husband, we can discuss this later, and I leave the room, sometimes the house. After all, I have to look after my own peace of heart.
At this stage we cannot address the real concern because he’s too angry and frustrated; he may not be able to communicate the real problem, if he even knows what it is, nor will he be open to incoming ideas. Like the scene of a child's temper tantrum, sometimes the best thing is to remove the audience. When the grenade pin is pulled, there’s little to be done. There’s no reasoning, there’s no re-directing, his house of logic is closed for business. Any attempt on my part to calm the storm will only be met with name-calling and possibly some broken dishes. My husband has agreed with me that no one should be subjected to this type of rage. If this situation arises, I would leave the premises for a couple of reasons. One, there’s only so much hostility I’ll to subject myself to, no matter what the problem is; two, there’s nothing I can do to help.
It would be remiss not to advise this cautionary note; if you ever feel afraid for your safety, you need to exit quickly with cell phone and keys in hand and seek help. If your partner crosses the line to abuse, which is illegal as well as unsafe, you need to immediately exit the situation and seek help. In case of an emergency, call the domestic abuse hotline, 800-799-7233.
Keeping Husbands Happy
Trigger Or Tigger
Do you want your partner stomping up a storm, or bouncing through the day like a happy Tigger. Triggers are those things you do that almost guarantee a negative response. With my partner, it’s pointing a finger toward his face to emphasis a point. For me, this seems a bit silly. I’m a “talk with my hands” type of person, and in emphasizing a point, I may point. Perhaps this is a gesture he associates with a disciplining parent. Jay Dixit of Psychology Today says, "But no matter how frustrating a partner's behavior, your interpretation is the greater part of it. What matters is the meaning you attach to it.”
If I wag a my pointer finger, without noticing that I’m doing it, and certainly not doing it to reprimand in any way, I've just lit his fuse. My partner instantly reads it as aggressive, and responds. My solution is simple. I just don’t do it. It doesn’t matter if the trigger makes sense to me or not, I respect his feelings and work around it. If you notice a trigger, make you life easier and refrain.
Just as there are little things that reasonably or unreasonably annoy your mate; there’s probably little things that put a spring in his step. My mate likes to open doors for me. The important thing is that it makes him feel good about us. Consequently, when we're together, I never beat him to the door, much less open it myself. Let him enjoy the moment. After all, with alpha mates, anything can snowball into an avalanche, that includes the good stuff!
Me Tarzan. You Jane.
The Mars Venus difference, exponentiated!
In John Gray’s bestseller, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, he uses this metaphor to describe romantic relationships: “men and women are from distinct planets and that each gender is acclimated to its own planet's society and customs, but not to those of the other.”
My own partnership is the total yin and yang of hormones. He’s all testosterone, I’m all estrogen. I suppose one could call this a double edged sword; the natural attraction of opposites vs the misunderstanding of aliens. Although we have much in common as human beings, both need to be treated with love and kindness; in the Mars Venus approach we’re are given insight into our inherent differences, and tools to navigate them. For example, when distressed, the best response to offer a woman is talk and empathy, for a man, it may be to be left alone. He might as well be wearing a Do Not Disturb sign. In this regard, it’s not enough to treat others as we would be treated; we have to understand needs that are totally different than our own. Isn’t it a relief to know why our instinct reactions weren’t working? Then we can get on with the business of what does work.
He needs to be respected…
From Gideon’s Bible to John Gray, all agree, a man needs to feel respected and honored. If you prize your witty mouth more than your man’s heart, go ahead, fire away. Sarcasm may be entertaining in a sitcom, but don’t expect it to rekindle his love for you.
Because there are many skill-sets that are more strongly bestowed on one sex or the other, there are some areas where you are going to prevail; however, it’s not necessary to blow your own horn. Believe me, it’s better he notices your strength at the same time he sees the advantage it offers the team. Better at math? Don’t challenge him to a game of Kudo. Let him become aware of it as he notices how well the checkbook is balanced. Make it a win-win; not a completion. (remember, you don’t want him treating you like one of the guys, you’re his lover, not his competitor.)
Long Term Relationships
He needs to be needed…
Most of all, count your blessings. Learn to appreciate everything he’s brought to your life…what would it be like without him? Then, act and speak with that in mind. Make sure he knows how much it means to you and how you value him and everything he does. He’s probably going to act like it doesn’t matter; but it does. He may act like he doesn’t even ‘hear’ you, but he does. And it affects his heart. "Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.” -John Gray Men Are From Mars
If you’re like me, another habit to watch is the informational chatter. I can be a walking encyclopedia of information and opinions; constant commentary. If I keep this up, it begins to feel like I’m the know-it-all. Really? Do I want him to feel unnecessary. Guess what I discovered, the quiet can be calming. It’s nice to dial down the internal debate once in a while.
He needs distance to recharge…
You've heard of the man-cave. It's definitely a thing. Whether your guy 'goes away', physically or just mentally, let him be. This is the time he needs to get centered and in time he will come back again in full, loving force. It's a good note to keep in mind when he's disengaging. Don't panic; allow him his space and that little gift you give him will be returned ten-fold, in appreciation of you, and a more powerful presence once he's recharged his battery.
Timing and Taming
How to get the emotional support you need.
Finally, the two most important things to remember are, 1) learn his moods, and, 2) timing is everything! To get what you need from your man, it’s paramount to remember there is a time and a place for everything.
Your Own Couples Retreat
Learn His Moods
Your mate’s rhythm of life may be much more dynamic than what you’re used to. The thing to remember is, with him, everything is compound. Imagine a semi-truck shifting through several gears to tackle a hill. This is much like our alphas, you don't interrupt or disturb the process, and his rhythms may take time.
My guy also requires lots of sleep; lots of time to become conversational in the morning, and time to wind down in the evening. Once he has initiated the launch sequence in any given activity; he’ll have all his considerable energy and passion focused in that one direction. If he didn’t get his raise, his head and heart may be battling the injustice of the world; he just picked up a discarded lotto ticket, he’s on his way to his mega-million. If you approach without considering what mood he is in, it’s like reaching into a magic black hat blindly; no telling what will pop out…bunny or barracuda!
But what if you notice he's heading for a cliff? This is a hard one. As I already mentioned, he learns from his own experience. If the consequences aren't critical, be still, and let him finish the drive. He will learn much more from that experience, than from any words of warning you would have given. If it's necessary to disrupt him; which shouldn't happen often; take a deep breath get your intense warning out, and buckle your seat belt. It may be a very bumpy downshift; get it behind you.
Timing is everything
To get what you need from your man, it’s paramount to remember there is a time and a place for everything.; if you interfere with your needs while he’s hunting down a hard-to-find motorcycle part; he’ll probably look at you like you’re crazy. Can’t you see what’s going on (with him, as always). The moment he gets home from work is not a good time. He needs time to transition, let his engine idle down and re-enter the home chamber. When you need to approach, it's a good idea to make sure he's well rested and well fed. Yes, it can be that basic.
It takes a long time for this type of guy to develop a sense of what others need. It is literally quite difficult for my guy to ‘walk in someone else’s shoes'. But with a little coaching to see someone else’s dilemma, his generous nature takes over, double-time. Does that mean I married a heartless man? No, it just means the learning curve to absorb and appreciate all a woman can bring him, may take longer than most.
Approach him when his heart is open, when he feels the intimacy between you. You may need privacy; too much stimuli, social settings, sports events…are sure to distract. And, don’t mistake his happy mood for a moment to invite personal revelations. The place for this guy is wherever your one-on-one, eye-to-eye exclusive experiences take place.
A Culture Of Love
The simpler and more direct you are, the better. Don't confuse the issues with innuendos or suggestions. Tell him what you feel in honest terms; remember, if you're going to him for results; it's about you, not him. Do not tell him what to do. Simply tell him how you feel about the problem, situation or behavior. "I feel ignored when you walk away before I'm finished talking." It may take him awhile to start to respond to your needs, but keep it gentle and consistent. He'll come around; he may have to act like it was his idea, or that the past never happened, but he's in it to please you, and eventually he will find a way.
Good luck with your extra-special guy. Even if you married a roaring king of the jungle, once you know him inside and out, you’ll have this powerful presence eating out of your hand.
"You’ve had the power all along." -Glinda the Good Witch, Wizard Of Oz
Marriage Advice Quotes
You never know anyone, until you marry them.
When a match has equal partners, then I fear not.
I have alway considered marriage as the most interesting event in one's life, the foundation for happiness or misery.
Sexiness wears thin after a while, and beauty fades. But to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that's a real treat.
Where there is love, there is life.
Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.
Enjoy the little things in life…For one day you'll look back and realize they were the big things.
No one has measured (not even poets) how much love the heart can hold.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Sammy on August 14, 2020:
Every time I feel unhappy or lonely I come here and read the whole thing. I'm dating an alpha male, 3years, and its really getting too much for me. To a point where I just don't wanna talk to him sometimes because I feel like he doesn't listen when I wanna talk about our relationship, he's less than interested. I have been ignoring him for 2 days coz I'm frustrated as to why he won't try and see things through my eyes. Everytime I try he says 'Okay I'm done with this conversation' or he lets me know how he doesn't like it when I talk too much. Its gotten to a point where I have to remind myself to tone it down, to think before I say something and I don't want that. I always tell myself to move on its just who he is I need to understand him better but its really hard for me. I've gotten to a point where I'm even considering breaking up with him but how do I break up with him when he probably thinks everything is perfect? How do I when I'm just scared to bring up anything that's bothering me. I love him... I've tried talking to him but he think I'm trying to change him. I understand women who read this and can't relate but if you are with an alpha male you know how I must be feeling. At this point I'll try anything to meet him halfway even though he won't.
Jelaya on August 25, 2019:
Thanks for this I recently started getting more in-touch with my femininity and it has made me want and desire a more of an alpha male a manly man who can take charge. Thank you for this article :)
Hopelessly in love on May 30, 2019:
Oh my gosh I cannot tell you how good it was to read your article. I almost felt like you were reading my story!!! I already do many of the things you suggest but i have to remember not to get frustrated with the apparent "lack of respecting my wishes and feelings." Thank you so much for sharing. I think it would be awesome if spouses of alpha males could form a support group to hash out our issues!!!
Eileen Gamboa (author) from West Palm Beach on April 02, 2019:
Thank you for your message, Geeko. As you can see, this article is really aimed at women who find themselves already in a long term relationship. In retrospect, one may or may not chosen to enter this type of relationship if the future pros and cons had been see-able. No one has a crystal ball. However, one thing your comment brought to mind; I find that men I have known have to live-it-out as far as negative emotions go, where as we may be able to talk it out. In other words, if he is in the discord, there he will stay until time blunts the feeling and his love for you takes over, once again. At the height of his discontent he may blow off steam with immature words that you may find it hard to forgive and forget, but he will forget them much faster than you. Unless you keep the issue alive and well. Sometimes its better to turn your focus away from the issue, and just live in the loving way that you like the best. There is probably nothing new you can say anyway. Let it be. Build new trust.
Geeko on April 02, 2019:
Thank you so much for the article. It helps me make sense of so many things. I am engaged to an alpha male right now and things are going downhill. We were very much in love. But I wasnt upfront about a few things that mattered to him in the beginning, due to my insecurities and trust issues. And as things progressed and I tried to be honest, he got all judgemental and pushed me away. I couldn't be totally honest. I hurt him terribly, his feelings as well as his ego. Both of us love each other. But I don't know if he can trust me and accept me again. I really want to make this relationship work. But bad things have been said and done between us. Please advice. I really do not know which way to go. And I do not want to give up.
Barb on May 28, 2018:
I needed to read this article as I have been married for 34 years to the most amazing man who is kind-hearted, committed, my best friend, and the best lover I have known. He is an alpha man who gets things done and does them perfectly. We just spent a week together on vacation doing projects that every day at the start, he acts like he is totally disgusted and hell bent on getting things done. He begins by yelling at me until I voice to myself outload like “Jeez” and then he calms down and is the kind hearted man I love, which I love the affect it done man also. But yesterday was tough on me as we were doing a project that I am responsible for and he is amazing at pets of it but the apla just the same. It was mentally stressful on me and turned physically stressful for me in that I was exhausted, had a headache he and had to sleep the rest of the evening and night. I am not azure if it is because I spent a week of doing projects with him by being yelled at during the begging stages and yesterday was mine the same but continued on not by him yelling but pushing me. I figured it out and knew it is because he is my alpha but because women are expected to succeed in the world and some are alpha women, it is stressful. I mean I am thankful for my alpha male and he is tender towards me after he calms down, but yesterday I had enough and I am expected to succeed with the project thatI am responsible for when working on it with my apla male who is all mine and I live him completely. I am going to have to think about this seriously before I can come to terms with this. I will never give up in our relationship though.
deb on April 01, 2018:
I am trying to learn how to stop walking on egg shells. Seems you are just teaching us how to walk on egg shells with a little more respect for ourselves... whats the point, its still walking on egg shells.
Primpo from Howell, New Jersey on September 03, 2017:
Well now, i'm thinking, am I with someone who is an alpha male or am I walking on eggshells? because honestly I've been in physically abusive relationships before. and this is not like that. In the bedroom he is always passionate and becoming to me, I have to say when he comes home, he don't like to talk , he has a highly stressful job that requires him to work very hard , his schedule though he does come straight home and wants his food on the table, house to be clean and quite in the house. he turns on the news and relaxes before going to bed and then we turn on a movie on Netflix and that is all she wrote. we get up in the morning , I always make breakfast and we sit quietly at the breakfast table and eat. I stay quite most of the time but that is not my natural personality. Naturally I'm very outgoing and like to discuss things. He gets annoyed if I ask questions, I find that I'm more of an annoyance sometimes, but he talks very nicely to everyone else and gets pissed if I do the wrong thing and sometimes I swear I don't even know what I did wrong. feeling anxious
bee on August 11, 2017:
if you get things back emotionally and you still feel happy and safe with the partner okay. but id say to constantly try n please someone elses behavior is not healthy at all. as well as constantly walking on eggshells for someone else not being sure if they might freak about something. id say there might be narcissistic characteristics involved and that is not healthy at all. ladies listen to your guts telling you the truth...if something feels bad it probably is and you gotta find a way out. it might take time, to be strong enough to go for it and maybe also some secret planning if the partner is not "healthy" but anyone can do it.
kim on April 17, 2017:
my husband acts like a negative d-ck. He is clueless and exhausting. I'm tired. I've tried the sweet stuff for years. It's too much and suffocating
CharlieSays11 on December 01, 2016:
Your man is not an true Alpha, he's a Needy Alpha...big difference. A true Alpha dominates and is happy with his life good or bad, not bossy with people around and not an emotional wreck looking for fights at every corner. It's a common misconception.
Needy Alphas just try to dominate by expressing their frustrations and insecurities over people around them.
Eileen Gamboa (author) from West Palm Beach on August 14, 2016:
Dear StrornLeoWoman! Thank you so much for that perspective. I was concerned that this viewpoint was lop sided, but, as you can see there have been readers chiming in regarding avoiding an abusive relationship. Your comments are worthy of being well-heeded. In my particular case, the scenario I described isolates an aspect of the relationship, and is for those who are simply in a similar situation. I can see this type of personality can easily spin into or veil an abusive relationship. And I certainly don't encourage anyone to seek out a man with narcissistic qualities.. However, the heart wants what the heart wants, and one may find oneself in a challenging relationship. Being a Leo yourself, you know full well the challenges of reigning in a fiery personality. Again, your comments are very much welcome, as a reminder to every woman, know your limit. Guard your heart. StrongLeoWoman, I would very much like to continue this discussion if you like, please friend me at: https://www.facebook.com/EMGamboa
StrongLeoWoman on August 14, 2016:
I stumbled upon this article and wow I'm glad that I did. Honestly, I feel sorry for you girl! You have completely wrapped yourself around someone's finger that is and always will be totally emotionally unavailable to you. This has nothing to do with being an "Alpha" male. This man is blocked, insecure, domineering, overbearing and has absolutely no intention on building a meaningful bond with you because he is in fact so disconnected with himself. I am sorry to hear that. Do you realize that you have put yourself second and fail to think with a mind of your own? I mean come on honey, he can't even have a conversation with you. You spend your time thinking about how YOU can bend while walking on eggshells around this man? This is a very unfulfilling, unhealthy, toxic relationship that will never define the meaning of true love. I truly hope you wake up and realize one day that this man is absuing you and taking your sweet little souls for granted. One day you will look in the mirror and not recognize yourself any longer if you stay in this relationship. Also as an astrologer for 10 years I would suggest, since you show some interest regarding the subject to pull his entire chart (and yours) MUST have exact time you were born as shown on birth certificate and look at the conjunctions, sextiles between you. Speak with a professional astrologer to guide you through the process. THIS IS NOT LOVE. This man is lost and you cannot help him. You will always be an option or second best to him, he has trained you to behave how he wants you to and you have taken the bait. More so like a dominate - submissive relationship, which works for some people, but not a strong personally like me. There is a give and take in love, a process happens where you truly hear EACHOTHER and form a unity. A one sided relationship with unrequited love is not the answer my dear. I have experience with these types of men and it all ends the same way. If he's not communicating with you, he's probably emotionally attached to someone else that he can talk to. Every single one of these men were like this, if they do not have that strong bond with you outside of the role playing of an Alpha-submissive relationship, they will cheat and you will never know it because he has already clearly sold you this great illusion. Love yourself enough to question everything, look for someone who loves your soul not your role. Best wishes to you and sorry for the harsh truth.
I am a healer, writer, aspiring astrologer, Entrepenuer and lifelong yogini in training.
Blessings to you my dear
P.S. PLEASE do not bring children into this world under these conditions, my life is dedicated to healing the wounds of adults that were influenced by environments like this.
Sarahbear on July 07, 2016:
Thank you, I gained heaps from reading this. I've only just realised that my man is an alpha, and I've been with him for 14 years but because he was only 17 when we met we have both changed a lot in that time . I know he is a softy deep down and will do anything for me but he does not like it when I am a drama queen and alot of your guys reactions I can relate to. There is so much confusion in society about a woman's role in a relationship and what is abuse and what is disrespect and what is just normal differences between the sexes. People expect men to be like the soppy princes in Disney movies and label men abusive when they aren't that.I grew up expecting to be emotionally supported by everyone and I've had to accept that I'm a grown adult now and my emotions are my responsibility not my man's. It is so hard to grow but I definitely worth it to keep my family happy, together and peaceful. Thanks again!
Anna on June 07, 2016:
Wow this article sounds like how to deal with an abusive man. Just because a man treats you poorly it doesn't mean he's alpha. Maybe this is the reason why women like jearks. So pathetic.
My mother and dad had a relationship like this. My dad was constantly abusing us on a daily basis, going nuts about every little thing while my mother was always controling him and getting her way with him by doing all the things you mentioned above. How can you be so sick. No child deserves a family like this.
Eileen Gamboa (author) from West Palm Beach on April 01, 2016:
Yes Not so Blissful, it is a dilemma I'm also dealing with. This is just one aspect of my life, and every relationship is unique. My relationship came with more baggage than I anticipated, and although this is fuel for forging a better relationship, it certainly doesn't address whether the outcome is worth the effort. Only those individuals can answer to their own hearts. And there is not much said here about guarding your own heart. I am far from a total answer… this has to be one of the ultimate challenges any woman can face. Good luck, dear heart.
Not so blissful on March 23, 2016:
Mace963 I'm right there with you. I wonder if others see my truth too. I'm an alpha married to the king of alphas, and I lose a part of my spirit every time I allow him to hurt my sensitive soul with his temper, misdirected hostility, or just general grumpiness. I love him, love us, love our life but struggle to stay true to myself by allowing him to trample on my flower bed I've been tending carefully to which is my bliss. Biting my lip, choosing my battles... I'm no doormat but I am with him. I know in my heart it hurts him when he's shitty to me, yet it reoccurs, he apologizes and I wake up happy. I worry one day when I'm older I may not wake up happy and wonder why I didn't see and smell my own flowers.
Deborah Demander Reno from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on March 15, 2016:
This is a great article, with very useful information. I am married to an alpha male, and I have developed several of the techniques you mention. I am also looking forward to trying some of your suggestions.
Thanks for writing.
Eileen Gamboa (author) from West Palm Beach on February 19, 2016:
Dear Mace963, thank you for writing. I had to really think about whether I would put this article out there when I wrote it, for fear of misguiding anyone. This is like my advice to myself, however, everyone is unique, has a unique partner. My instinct is to tell you that some men are just what they are. If he really lacks compassion for you; you have to decide if that's really what you want. You should know by now, ten years is WAY to long to wait for a person to 'come around.' By the way, my guess, is he knows exactly what he is doing. He knows how he affects you, and he knows how to get his way. I would move on. You'll be OK. Feelings are temporal; don't make big decisions on a 'feeling'. Use your head.
Mace963 on February 15, 2016:
I have this page bookmarked and have read and re-read it often. As much as I have tried, I cannot seem to soothe my savage beast. I set him off far too often and do not even understand why half of the time. Sigh. We aren't married and he's recently flung the 'this will never work' line at me and worse after a frequent recurring fight. I don't understand why I can be a strong woman in all other situations - maintaining good boundaries, etc, yet wilt like a week old flower with him. I feel I am losing myself and often want to just give up. It's been 10 years and we seem to be going in circles - unable to move forward and unable to let go.
Thanks for such an insightful article.
Eileen Gamboa (author) from West Palm Beach on April 26, 2015:
Thank you so much 'doris & me'. I'm glad it interested you and hopefully helped with some insight as well. Relationships are so complicated, and people so diverse, this is just my take on the situation I find myself in. Thanks again for reading!
Mohammad Tanvir Ibne Amin from Dhaka on April 25, 2015:
I have just finished reading the article you wrote. I want to tell you how much I appreciated your clearly written and thought-provoking article.
Eileen Gamboa (author) from West Palm Beach on August 28, 2014:
Baby Cakes, I don't know what makes men tick, but they do seem to make HUGE mistakes and horrendous choices. Unfortunately, their heart is subject to change if they don't protect your love. If it were me, I would want to find out if there was still love there, or if he has actually let it slip through his fingers. The only way to find out if he is still capable is to 'stand away' from all that has and is going on. A quiet time, and a quiet place. Rid yourself of all unpleasant thoughts, at least for awhile. And be brave..ask him if he's unhappy. Ask him if he has fallen out of love with you. Look him in the eye. Look for the truth. It has to go one way or the other. Best of luck to you. You are much stronger than you think you are.
Baby cakes on August 28, 2014:
I have been a very successful lady in my business career, I think it's got a lot to do with how you approach people...always with a smile & being happy makes others happy. My husband & I have been married for 34 years & living a fairy tale life, I am retired now & my husband is still working his business which is quite stressful for him at times but we have had the most wonderful marriage anyone could ask for, 6 years ago my husband had to go away for work for 1 week and that 1 week changed our whole lives especially mine. Yes I eventually found out he had not only met someone but he asked them to his room which then led to years of unhappy marriage for me. I didn't no what to do, I cried & cried. I have never said anything to anyone because of embarrassment seen as we were so happy & so close to each other as I thought. I still have the scars of this & he still won't talk about it, which leaves me still wondering. I feel like I am living my life & hers as well with him even though he is still with me. I should let it go but it's so hard. He doesn't like watching romantic movies anymore & he won't look me in the eyes when & if we talk & he never says he is sorry & he doesn't tell me he loves me anymore, what is going on. I am a very easy person to get along with, my husband is interested in the things that make him happy & at the moment that's not me. I don't think he has any one else but who knows. Am I the only one out there that would love a kiss on the cheek & a smile & a hug every now & then.....your article has opened my eyes.
Eileen Gamboa (author) from West Palm Beach on June 01, 2014:
Quirky babe…you are exactly who I wrote this for. I married mine late in life and would have never made it had I been my younger self. It's almost impossible for us independent minded females to get it…but the most important thing to know, is that they are different from us. And I wrote that hesitantly because there are also some a--s out there, and I didn't want to encourage anyone to accept abuse…sometimes there's a fine line; but if our guys have good hearts and love love us; I think we have a great chance at living life in great love. Thank you so much for taking the time to write. I knew there were others out there like me, with so much dilemma swimming around in our heads.. so difficult to sort it all out with guys like these. Make sure he knows that words spoken out of negative emotions, anger, are to be discounted. And when he does that, you will not participate…and have the right to walk away. Good luck to you and with your personal evolution!
Quirky babe on May 31, 2014:
This is an amazing article, and an amazing insight into the mind of the alpha male. I have dated and was engaged to one for 8 years, and now married to another for a short time (I have always known he was an alpha male and the difficulties it comes with but being married makes it a little bit harder to swallow, particularly as an alpha female myself). Your observations of an alpha male is absolutely spot on but most importantly, the advice on how to handle one as a loving nurturing equally intelligent wife is what I really need right now. It's chicken soup to my soul and hopefully will be a turning point in my marriage. It is frustrating to treat an alpha male "wrongly" and uncovers a wrath of misery. But reading your advice gives me hope for turning that around and making my marriage work better. As an alpha female, I have definitely gone about it all wrong. I have, in my mind, a strong-ish view on how I need to be treated and never hesitated to let it be known (in the spirit of honesty, thinking foolishly that this honesty could prevent the mistakes I made with my first alpha male ex). This honesty, spoken at the wrong times and delivered wrongly, has exacerbated the issues, in actual fact. I was raised in a family where my dad is the alpha male and my mum a beta female and while it seems to work well, I had always grown up thinking my mother was so "wrong", but maybe she was so right. The same way I have always wanted both alpha males to accept my alpha female-ness, maybe they need me to accept their alpha male-ness, and nurture and support them accordingly. Instead, they both felt that I did not support them in the way they have wanted. I have always supported both of them strongly in their careers (being an incredibly successful career woman myself) but realized with a slap in my face, that that is NOT what they need (they appreciate it, but do not need it). I have never known any other way to "support" them until your bits of advice made it so much clearer. I obviously have a lot more thinking to do, and I thank you so kindly for sharing your experience.
Pharmd855 on March 07, 2014:
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Eileen Gamboa (author) from West Palm Beach on November 14, 2013:
Thanks Writer Fox. I was hoping to get some feed back from a guy's point of view. I wanted it to be neutral--don't want to start any male vs female stuff-- but helpful, for women who happened to be married to those strong-willed types. Walkin' a fine line there. And, uh…don't think I'll let the hubby read it. Don't want to show ALL my cards! Thanks for reading!
Writer Fox from the wadi near the little river on November 14, 2013:
There's quite a lot in this article! I think your husband is lucky that you understand him so well.