Four Reasons Not to Have a Secret Love Relationship

How would the one know if the other holds hands with someone else under the table?
How would the one know if the other holds hands with someone else under the table? | Source

There is really no good reason for hiding a love relationship. Love thrives when the lovers spend time together among family and friends in various situations. First comes the questioning, followed by the teasing and broadcasting within the circle; but the best part is the acceptance.

Secret online dating may seem harmless since the friends think that they can take precautions to ensure a safe meeting, but at least 10% of the 20 million accounts are bogus. By the time one person becomes suspicious, that individual may have shared personal information enough for the secret friend to locate him or her. No one will be able to alert the unsuspecting friend if the bogus person shows up.

Even forbidden love benefits from confession. If it ends when the secret is revealed it is probably because it should. So how can we convince someone who is dropping hints, to tell us the story and enjoy the excitement?

Relationships thrive on (1) freedom, (2) commitment, (3) counsel and (4) support. This article intends to show how these four essentials help to build a solid foundation, and how hiding the relationship can exclude them to the lovers' disadvantage.

(1) Secrecy Sabotages Freedom

You may not be as private as you think.
You may not be as private as you think. | Source

Secret love relationships call for lovers to sneak around, watch the clock when they spend time together, create stories to cover their tracks. Their focus is distracted, having to look over their shoulders for the people they fear will see them together. They have to be cautious when answering phone calls or emails.

Developing the art of not getting caught may take more energy than developing the relationship. Consider these disadvantages:

  • Some hide because they want to solidify the relationship before they reveal it; but hiding can sabotage efforts to nurture it.
  • Hiding stifles the spontaneity to make a call and say, “I’m thinking about you.” (There is limit to how much feeling texting can communicate.)
  • Hiding denies the opportunity to show up unexpectedly with a surprise gift.

Without the freedom to ask questions when they come to mind, or give explanations at the time they’re appropriate, many pieces of unfinished business will linger without resolution. Besides, love expressions saved for secret meetings can get out of hand.

(2) Study Links Secrecy to Lack of Commitment

A man who has a secret relationship with one woman can have secret relationships with two or three. Why would any of them be concerned if each one is ignorant of his secret games? (It could also be the female who is two-timing the males.)

In the event that one partner is forced to reveal the secret relationship, the other can deny it knowing that there are no witnesses. One could become a helpless victim of the other’s mental or spiritual flaw.

The chances for honesty and commitment are better among couples who let their family and friends know of their relationship. Along with secret assurances, it boosts the confidence to be introduced as the object of someone’s love. Besides, researchers in one study (Lehmiller, 2009) found a link between secrecy and lack of commitment.They observed that people in secret relationships were less likely to consider themselves and their partners as couples and consequently limited their closeness and sense of connection.

(3) Every Couple Needs Good Advice

Everyone needs advice from a trusted source.
Everyone needs advice from a trusted source. | Source

Most times, the counsel the lovers try to avoid is the counsel they need. For example, teenagers hide the relationship because they fear the parents’ disapproval. They refuse to listen to the parents’ objections because they are not wise enough to comply if the parents’ objections make sense; and even if the parents do not have good grounds for their objections, the teenagers are not capable of continuing the relationship without the support of the parents. They are better off waiting (while they hang out with other friends) than hiding a love relationship they are not equipped to manage.

Adults also hide for fear of disapproval from rival families, from prejudiced groups, from management in establishments which disapprove workplace romances. It is better for the couple to consider the rules, then make the decision to comply or stand their ground together. If they choose to burden themselves with a secret relationship, they may hide for years and eventually prove their advisers right. The sooner they declare their decision, the better.

(4) Love Thrives on Friendly Support

Family members and friends provide an important form of support, when they invite the couple to mingle with other people. The more the lovers watch each other interact and react in different social settings, the more they learn about each other.

It is easier to pretend when there is just one person to impress; the true colors surface in unplanned confrontations during the family dinner or a group dating activity. Sometimes everyone will be friendly and at other times they may feel uncomfortable. They learn how to work together when the odds are against them. They need this orientation to life as a couple.

They need the support of confidants, one or two people whom they both trust, to help them figure out their interpersonal struggles, as well as the difficulties they may face from the outside world. As their relationship progresses, they will learn to appreciate their support system. They will also learn how to love and trust each other, above the concerns and opinions of anyone else.

There are plenty of secrets to keep, but love for each other is news worth sharing!

© 2012 Dora Isaac Weithers

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Comments 53 comments

DonnaCosmato profile image

DonnaCosmato 4 years ago from USA

I liked your format because it was reader friendly and fairly easy to scan. You delivered well on the title and I was not disappointed with the content. This is an excellent read and I voted it up.

Frank Atanacio profile image

Frank Atanacio 4 years ago from Shelton

Very useful Ms Dora.. interesting Hub.. but eyecatching.. thanks for sharing your reasons not to have a secret love relationship..:) Frank

MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Donna, your comment is very encouraging. Thanks for the vote up.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Thanks, Frank. Glad I caught your eye. I appreciate you for reading and commenting.

Ulyn Bain 4 years ago

I, too, found the article very useful and revealing. It definitely tells me that if someone is truly/seriously interested in having a meaningful relationship with me, they would not want to keep it a secret.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Ulyn, so kind of you to stop by and read. I appreciate your comment. You certainly got the message.

sofs profile image

sofs 4 years ago

Great Hub MsDora. Very sound advice. Thanks for sharing!

MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Thank you, sofs for reading and taking the time to comment.

denise.w.anderson profile image

denise.w.anderson 4 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

Thanks, Dora. Excellent advise for even married couples to be careful of when interacting with others of the opposite sex. Keeping one's relationships wholesome and clean is necessary even in marriage.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Denise, I always welcome your additional insight. Thanks for stopping by and for taking the time to comment.

Lady_E profile image

Lady_E 4 years ago from London, UK

Very important and practical article. I particularly liked the part about love thriving on friends and family.

I hope it touches many hearts.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Thanks Lady E. I appreciate your encouraging comments.

LucidWarrior profile image

LucidWarrior 4 years ago from Suburban Philadelphia

Hi MsDora, very good hub. I have very strong opinions regarding online dating and the subject of online secrecy. All of this has created a new set of social issues. It is a very interesting topic, especially for my childrens generation.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

LucidWarrior, parenting in this generation is certainly a challenge. I pray God's guidance and protection on you and your children. Thanks for sharing.

Yaduvanshi profile image

Yaduvanshi 4 years ago from Bharat Vrse

Very informative hub Dora

MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Thanks, Yaduvanshi. Your comment means much to me.

prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 4 years ago from Canada

Miss Dora, this is such a wise and intelligent article. So true! I have a story that came to mind when I read this.

Years ago, I knew a lady who kept rooms for rent. She had one room which appeared to be empty, at the very top of the stairs. It also appeared to be the most beautiful room. What is the that room for, I asked. That, she told me, was for a married couple who came once a week to consummate their love. Why there in that room? They were afraid to tell this mother about their marriage! And they had been married for a number of years! Can you imagine?

Yes, it is so true that revealing the relationship can only lead to better things in the end, even if painful at the time. Wonderful hub and shared!

MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

PrairiePrincess, I really appreciate you sharing that story. I'm glad thay had the advantage of that room, but imagine the many sacrifices they had to make for the rest of the week. Yea, love has more joys when it is out in the open.

AmandaJon profile image

AmandaJon 3 years ago

Dear Dora, you have a great hub as always! Good and useful tips!

I support your idea of not to have a secret love relationship, it's a kind of burden that can ruin everything. Living in lies won't make any good, life is much more beautiful when you have nothing to hide.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 3 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Amanda, you express my thoughts exactly and very well. Thanks for your support.

pushpa 3 years ago

v.nice secrets never giveup ur motive gud gud luck

Abby Campbell profile image

Abby Campbell 3 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

Very useful hub, especially in a time of many searching for love in all the wrong places (social media). Great job, Ms. Dora. :-)

MsDora profile image

MsDora 3 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Pushpa, thank you very much for reading and commenting. Hope the article helped you in some way.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 3 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Abby, thank you for your kind comment. Nice meeting for you.

lovedoctor926 3 years ago

Useful information. I definitely agree with some of the comments here.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 3 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Thanks, LoveDoctor, for your comments.

CarlySullens profile image

CarlySullens 3 years ago from St. Louis, Missouri

Well written with useful information and insight. Voted up and shared!

MsDora profile image

MsDora 3 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Thank you, Carly. So kind of you to visit.

Benjamin Chege 3 years ago

Hi MsDora. Great hub. Voted up and beautiful. I agree with you that secret love is not worth it. It denies one the freedom to spend time together and could make one of the partners feel unappreciated. Some also keep love a secret when they are unsure of the relationship. Nice hub. Look forward to reading more of your hubs.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 3 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Benjamin, thank you for stopping by. Looking forward to more interaction with you.

Benjamin Chege 3 years ago

Hi MsDora, you're welcome. I do enjoy reading hubs, as they are informative and educative. You can be sure of more interaction. Thank you.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 3 years ago from The Caribbean Author

See you around then, Benjamin. Have a great day today and always!

janshares profile image

janshares 2 years ago from Washington, DC

This is an excellent piece I can use with some of my clients who could benefit from your advice. This subject is common to so many people in secret relationships. It is very well-written, informative, and thought-provoking. Thank you, MsDora, for adding a tool to my counseling kit. Voted up, useful, and interesting.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Jan, it makes me happy to know that you can put my article to good use. Best wishes and success with your clients.

rajan jolly profile image

rajan jolly 2 years ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

The essence is that it takes a lot more than it gives. Thanks for sharing MsDora.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Rajan Jolly, thank you for your observation. You're right on.

aarushi 24 months ago

I want counselling ...m a 17 yr old girl n i have a boyfriend from past 7 months ..he is d guy i wanted n fr sure i ll marry him but m in a guilt feeling that m hiding it from my mom coz m afraid about her reaction...pls help me out..

MsDora profile image

MsDora 24 months ago from The Caribbean Author

Aarushi, young women are my biggest concern, but the administration at HubPages does not encourage participants under 18 years of age, so I will give you two truths to consider and hope that you find a local counselor.

(1) I stand by my word, "There is really no good reason for hiding a love relationship." Unless your mother is abusive, her reaction will help you get a healthy perspective on your relationship.

(2) If you cannot stand up to your mother on a decision which you are sure is right for you, you are not ready for a husband.

I'm sure that there are other issues worth considering, so please get help. The very best to you!

PegCole17 profile image

PegCole17 20 months ago from Dallas, Texas

You've provided the real reason that relations are kept secret and the reasons they should be shared. Great advice, as usual.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 20 months ago from The Caribbean Author

Thanks, Peg. I appreciate your reading and supporting with your comments.

aminebombom profile image

aminebombom 20 months ago from Doha, Qatar

This is why we have too many songs say, you gotta show me love, love is meant to be shared not hidden.

Nice article MsDora

MsDora profile image

MsDora 20 months ago from The Caribbean Author

Amine, you said that very well. To keep it a secret might be proof that you're not sure about it.

grand old lady profile image

grand old lady 18 months ago from Philippines

So lovely and full of wisdom, Ms. Dora. Every single part of it is true. If the guy wants to keep it secret, something's wrong. He may have a lot of secrets. I love the way you approach your subject, by showing that being open can actually nurture and strengthen love and commitment. It would have been easier to say "this guy's an sob because he's full of secrets" haahahaha.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 18 months ago from The Caribbean Author

Mona, thanks for the humor. Funny how you can know what I'm thinking. I appreciate your input.

testingxperts profile image

testingxperts 14 months ago from USA

Thanks MsDora

This Hub post is really good and provided the real reason.

DREAM ON profile image

DREAM ON 14 months ago

If love is kept secret. It can get very complicated and get out of control fast. Great advice that can save people a life of problems and heartache. Thank you for sharing.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 14 months ago from The Caribbean Author

Texting, thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate your visit.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 14 months ago from The Caribbean Author

Dream, your statement is the truth. Thanks for your comment.

pstraubie48 profile image

pstraubie48 14 months ago from sunny Florida

Such wise words especially when you state that covering up takes so much effort...effort that would be well spent taking care of nurturing a 'real' relationship.

And yes, on line dating can be a slippery slope to become involved in. Just something I have not done and have no plans to but I do know some who have done so successfully.

Hoping you have a lovely today.

Angels are once again on the way to you ps

MsDora profile image

MsDora 13 months ago from The Caribbean Author

Thank you, Patricia for the angels and the kind comment. May God's favor surround you, too.

pstraubie48 profile image

pstraubie48 12 months ago from sunny Florida

You are so welcome....I am so very blessed ...not just me but my precious child and her son who are on the planet because of God's awesome God He is indeed...

Once again, know the Angels are in your midst ps

Emily 4 months ago

No offense but...There are good reasons for having a secret relationships. It seems like there are next to no articles out there that address that same-sex relationships can face serious danger by coming out to their family. I'm struggling in a relationship with my girlfriend, and was looking for advice. While we're out to my family and they're accepting, hers is abusive and may seriously throw her out. We're 20 and 21 respectively, and while she does work and we both attend college full time she's not in a situation where she could support herself.

We don't keep our relationship a secret because it's more exciting or for fun. It's not. But times that we can be together and support each other emotionally make it worthwhile.

I don't know, just something to think about before you paint in broad strokes of "There is no good reason to have a secret relationship."

MsDora profile image

MsDora 2 months ago from The Caribbean Author

Emily, my delay is answering was not intentional. I sympathize with your situation and I wish that you did not have to face such a struggle. The reason you have to keep your relationship secret may not be your fault; but with respect to you also, it is not a good reason. Hopefully, some type of intervention will happen which will negate the need for secrets. Best to you, going forward.

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