Miss Marsh has been a seasoned writer for 10+ years. She currently holds a BA in Writing and English and has an MS in Psychology.
Not All Men Are Afraid of the "C" Word
So you've met a wonderful man, and you've been together for a little while, but you're dying to know if he will take the next step and talk "future". What do you do? It's completely natural to want to share a future with your boyfriend and wish for a commitment.
But you may be wondering…how can you talk about your desire for a future commitment without scaring your boyfriend away? Using a delicate approach and a few simple tricks that will keep him involved in the conversation without running for the door.
Ask Your Boyfriend's Opinion
Begin “future” talk by finding out your boyfriend’s thoughts on things. Ask what plans he has for the future, if any, and find out what those plans might be. A sure fired way to avoid confrontation and freaking your man out is to put the ball in his court. It's a good idea to avoid bombarding your guy with your expectations of him.
First off, you risk the chance of him shutting down if you mention the words “commitment” or “future”. Secondly, you may be left disappointed by your boyfriend’s reaction to you confronting him about your future plans together. His reaction is bound to be different if you approach him in a non-threatening manner.
Try Not to Be Disappointed
It’s easy to feel hurt when your guy doesn’t say the things you expect from him, but it’s quite possible he may not know what he wants in the future. Try not to be disappointed by this reaction. Many people in general are uncertain of what they want in life. Listen to what your boyfriend has to say about commitment and encourage him to choose what path makes him happiest.
This will make you a supportive girlfriend in his eyes because you aren’t demanding that he make future plans with you, but are instead telling him you just want him to be happy. Doing so will positively motivate him to consider you a big part of his future because rather than being mad at him for being indecisive, you are being understanding and patient.
Explain Why You Want a Future
Giving your man valid reasons why you want a future with him can help ease him into talking about commitment. Let him know that he makes you happy, you love him, and feel that he gives you what you need. Explain why you want to share a future with your guy by complimenting his relationship abilities.
Don’t just tell him that you want to get married and have his children. Give him reasons why you want to do these things with him. It’s important that your boyfriend realizes he is the reason you want a relationship future…not that you just want a commitment in general. Also, try to use words like “eventually”, “at some point”, and “in a few years” to help him feel more comfortable about talking about the future. He’ll be more apt to listen rather than run away.
Lighten the Mood
Many conversations about commitment can be scary for a man. Try lightening the mood by making a joke or confiding that you are nervous about the future as well. Tell your boyfriend where you would like to see the relationship in the next 2-3 years. Giving your guy a long time frame will help him to feel less confronted about having to please you presently.
While you may want a commitment from your boyfriend right now, he might not be equipped to provide you for that, but plans on someday giving you what you desire. If you confront him with demands of what you want done now, you may scare him into believing he either does what you wish now or there’s no future. Ultimatums like this are never a good thing and can often blow up in your face.
Don't Speak Too Soon
Be sure you have been with your boyfriend for an extended period of time before attempting to talk about your future together. A good relationship milestone to go by is at least one year. If you confront your boyfriend before a year about wanting a future with him, he will probably get scared or feel anxious about commitment.
Being vested in a relationship is important for attempting to communicate any type of commitment desires. Trying to ask about the future of your relationship status before a year could potentially end in disaster…unless of course you are that one of few select couples who shared an instant “true love” immediately and you are sure your man wants a future with you.
Consider Other Children
If either you or your boyfriend has brought other children into the relationship, you will want to consider them when determining how to discuss the future. Find out about how your boyfriend feels about his past relationship with his child’s mother. If he feels bitterness toward this relationship, he may not be ready to make a future commitment to you.
Also, he may be concerned about his child’s wants and needs when considering you in his future. Ask him how he feels about having you in his life with his children and what he thinks about having a future as an extended family. You’ll need to be a bit more delicate when discussing commitment with a man who has children from a past relationship or marriage. Remember, there will be more to consider in this plan than just you and him. The same goes for you if you have children.
Talk to His Friends and Family
When in doubt about future talk, ask your boyfriend’s friends and family. Speaking to someone close to your man can help to put a different and fresh perspective on things. Find out what your man thinks of you as a constant in his life. While talking to his friends may not always be the ideal situation, a family member, such as his mother may be able to offer you suggestions for opening communication about commitment.
She will usually be honest because she doesn’t want to see anyone get hurt, especially her son. Supportive people in your boyfriend’s life can always add good input on how to get your guy to discuss the future and help you approach the topic with delicacy.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Having Trouble Getting Him to Commit? Please Share Your Story!
Danielle ciaravino on February 23, 2020:
I have been dating my boyfriend since we are little and then we were friends and now we are a happy and healthy couple boyfriend and girlfriend.
Becca hurry on August 09, 2018:
Hmmm i met a guy it been almost 5 months now and I have never have this feelings for any other man like i do for him .. i always ask him about future but he never ask me some .. am 24 and he's almost 30yrs old i love him but dont want to tell him i want him to tell me he love me which he doesn't want to say .. i one day ask him if he have feelings for me or love me he say yes
cus he reaction towards me is strange.. what is preventing him to propose to me that i can't tell ...
Summer on February 28, 2012:
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year . I am 35 and he is 39. I love him so much but we hardly discuss the future. We have both been burned in the past . He hasn't even told me he loves me . I know does. I want to discuss where we are going in this relationship. I don't know how without scaring him or stressing him out.
Brooke on November 12, 2011:
Omg me & my boyfriend have been dating for almost 3 months. & I know he's the one for me. So I've asked him to marry me when were older and he said of course he will. The only problem is.. I'm 14& he's 15. But I know he can be the one that completes me.
jessica on September 03, 2011:
it is very good to being in this time to thinking to have a time to being in the time to it is very privet to thinking a bout the riight to have a relationship is very good to being in this time to in the rest off your way to stay in relationship is very privet to have time to have to a thing with this is your privet to have time to being in this ti what is going on with everysingle time to thing is good to being it