Caution and Comfort for the Lonely Wife

Updated on December 14, 2017
MsDora profile image

MsDora is a Certified Christian Counselor. Her views on premarital and marital issues are influenced by her Christian beliefs.

Whichever lonely wife you think of, she is only one of many. Guy Winch, Ph.D., psychologist and author of the Squeaky Wheel states that in a recent study of older adults, 62.5% of them reported being lonely while being married or living with a partner. The study included both genders, but the wife is more likely to admit feeling disconnected and lonely.

Waiting for her husband
Waiting for her husband | Source

It is not difficult for the lonely wife to be seduced into exploits she might later regret. The first mistake is to accept deprivation of her marriage rights, instead of requiring them from her husband. This article encourages her to requests those rights, which include but are not limited to:

  1. Physical Presence
  2. Emotional Support
  3. Healthy Social Posture
  4. Financial Partnership
  5. Spiritual Support

(1) Physical Presence

Marriage is among other things, a physical togetherness. An unreasonable husband may think that his wife does not request his presence because she does not need it. Meanwhile, because she does not want to seem demanding, she settles for shopping, eating, watching movies and going to bed alone. She thinks: "Why bother the man who refuses to spend time with me?"

Actually, it is wise for her to initiate a conversation about her need for his presence. According to Jack Ito, Relationship Specialist, “The lonely wife, who doesn’t say anything for fear of feeling rejected, unwittingly makes her husband feel rejected in the process.” What if his habitual absence is the symptom of other personal issues? There is also the advantage of feeding the husband’s need to feel wanted.

To confess that she is lonely is a safer alternative than posting a profile on the LonelyWives website. The solution to loneliness is not about finding substitutes; it is about taking the direct route to the heart of the matter. The pain of the confession may be well worth the effort of dealing with the problem and the pleasure of finding the solution.

(2) Emotional Support

Lonely with husband in view. - Photo by Elizabeth Ashley Jerman
Lonely with husband in view. - Photo by Elizabeth Ashley Jerman | Source

Sometimes the husband is physically present, but shares no emotional connection. Just suppose that the lonely wife yields to the temptation of online companionship; or she agrees for his best friend to check on her when she is alone. The friend feeds her craving for attention; she responds by exposing her inmost thoughts and desires. She begins to feel worthy and desirable.

Eventually, the substitute emotional support becomes a trade-off—an exchange of one problem for another:

  • She trades distraction from feelings of neglect, for the fear that the new relationship will get out of hand;
  • She trades excitement about the new relationship, for doubt that it will last;
  • She trades assurance that the "friend" cares, for the worry that it may not remain a secret;
  • She trades satisfying conversation, for the anxiety that her husband will show up at the wrong time.

With all the emotional investment already poured into the marriage; this kind of exchange equals Eve’s trade off in the garden of Eden—a bite of one fruit, for the loss of an entire orchard. There is no profit in losing the little she may have with her husband. There is joy and comfort in making the effort to build on it for the benefit of their union.

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(3) Healthy Social Posture

Social posture is very important to the woman. That is the reason a discreet, lonely wife is not willing to be seen in public with the man who offers her forbidden friendship. She wants to maintain the image of a happy, dutiful wife.

She may ride to church with her husband when he is available, or to any social function to which the couple is invited. Their conversation on the way is minimal, but their smiles when they arrive are as much as can be expected.

This kind of hypocrisy can push her into an avoidance-avoidance conflictto choose between losing a broken marriage and hanging on to an illicit friendship. Neither choice is satisfying, but choosing either will prevent her from insisting on what she really wants and deserves. If she decides to stay in the marriage, the next step is to get professional help if an honest soul-soul conversation with her husband does not fix it.

Like windshield wipers, lonely spouses may move together though they do not touch.  Photo by Lothar Spurzem
Like windshield wipers, lonely spouses may move together though they do not touch. Photo by Lothar Spurzem | Source

(4) Financial Partnership

Sometimes a lonely wife does things which are unusual for her character, to gain her husband’s attention. She might be tempted to spend money excessively, max out the credit card, enjoy a luxurious spa treatment instead of paying the utility bills.

It is easy when the relationship is rocky, to forget that hurting her husband’s finances hurts the partnership. It hurts their ability to help the children and to contribute to worthy charitable causes. She could be embarrassed when she realizes that they cannot meet family obligations because of her irresponsibility.

She may confide in her "special" male friend about her lack of finances. If the friend helps her, he begins to visualize replacing her husband. If he refuses, he reveals that his intention is not to replace her husband, only to enjoy some friendship benefits. Either way, he underscores that her vulnerability is safer when placed with her husband. She can never go wrong waiting up to have that conversation with the right person--her husband.

(5) Spiritual Support

Every human problem needs supernatural help, and it would be great if the husband leads out in the search for spiritual guidance, but sadly, the lonely wife often finds herself alone in this.

Her first prayer should be for herself: for wisdom to look at the situation with the right attitude, with sensitivity, patience and an open mind to the divine solution. Not that the responsibility is all hers to improve the marriage, but neither does she want to suggest that the problem is all her husband's fault. They both have adjustments to make in bridging the gap that has made them distant.

Confronting her husband with the right attitude, with love and kindness, will make him more responsive. When he becomes involved, it is wise to express her gratitude and her expectations for his continued presence.

Questions & Answers

    © 2013 Dora Weithers

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      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        2 years ago from The Caribbean

        Sabrinadean, I say Amen to the prayer. Thanks for reading and sharing my articles. God grant that they promote His will in the lives of those who read them.

      • profile image

        Sabrinadean 

        2 years ago

        I got this link tks to Alvyn. I am indeed very happy to hv known this hub. I have shared it with so many. Your blogs were the first I read. Still it procure the same pleasure to discover and acquire more knowledge especially in "shaky" times n after I have kneeled n pray...very very often I got the anwerS to my prayer thru these posting on this hub. Pls Father continue to grant your wisdom thru the Holy Spirit so that knowledge continue to spread daily for those who are thirsty! In the name of our Wonderful Saviour Jesus Christ...A m e n!!!!!.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        2 years ago from The Caribbean

        Thank you for your comment, John. Sorry I have to delete it because of the link you included. Best to you!

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        4 years ago from The Caribbean

        Nighthag, thank you so much for sharing your story and affirming the principles in the article. Happy for you that your joy increased. All the best in your marriage, going forward.

      • nighthag profile image

        K.A.E Grove 

        4 years ago from Australia

        having been a lonely housewife I can identify with a lot that's in this article and the danger of reaching out to others that are not your husband can be very real.

        it takes real effort to reopen up the communication lines when you feel so rejected, but it is truly worth the effort and in my experience my marriage only got better and our connection and communication is stronger for the honesty that now lives in our relationship

        this was a great article that I'm sure will touch many hearts and minds

        well done

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        4 years ago from The Caribbean

        Nadine, I will read your story. Thank you for your kind comment.

      • Nadine May profile image

        Nadine May 

        4 years ago from Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa

        Fantastic written article. It so reminded my of my: The self employed housewife story. We often only years later realized that the very people that were in our lives were our best teachers.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        4 years ago from The Caribbean

        DDE, Happy New Year to you! I'm missing you. Thank you for your kin comment.

      • DDE profile image

        Devika Primić 

        4 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

        Happy New Year! Caution and Comfort for the Lonely Wife is so true and you have made such valuable points.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        4 years ago from The Caribbean

        Nell, Happy New Year! I can identify with your story. It seems that when we lose the connection, we become free to accept each other as we are--no expectations-so we relate better. Thank you for sharing.

      • Nell Rose profile image

        Nell Rose 

        4 years ago from England

        Hi MsDora, this is really interesting and yes I can totally understand what you mean. When I was married it was like there was a huge chasm between him talking to me, or interacting, it was a nightmare, now we are divorced we get on really well, how ironic is that? lol!

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        4 years ago from The Caribbean

        L.M., thanks for your affirmation. Hope things are better for you now, and continue to get better throughout the New Year.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        4 years ago from The Caribbean

        Jackie, thanks for your input. You make a powerful observation. The marriage stands a better chance when both spouses allow god in their lives.

      • L.M. Hosler profile image

        L.M. Hosler 

        4 years ago

        There was a song years ago called "Lonely women make great lovers". I have been married and experienced that feeling of being married but alone. I think it is quite common.

        This was a great informative hub. Happy New Year

      • Jackie Lynnley profile image

        Jackie Lynnley 

        4 years ago from The Beautiful South

        Great description of what happens in many marriages and how could any of them have a chance without God in the marriage for both partners? One person trying to make a marriage work in most cases are probably fighting a losing battle. ^

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        4 years ago from The Caribbean

        Sheila, I couldn't agree more. "Communication is the key."

        Thanks for your comment.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        4 years ago from The Caribbean

        Parrster, your response makes my day. Hope other husbands reads your comment; of course wives should also reciprocate by respecting the interests of their husbands. Thank you very much.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        4 years ago from The Caribbean

        Manatita, I appreciate your input. The quote from Tusitala Tom is very meaningful. Thank you very much.

      • profile image

        sheilamyers 

        4 years ago

        I like what sallybea said. Whether it's a marriage or simply a friendship, a lot of people today don't seem to know how to communicate unless they're sitting in front of a computer screen or texting on a cell phone. In my mind, communication is the key.

      • parrster profile image

        Richard Parr 

        4 years ago from Australia

        Beautifully written and a poignant reminder to us husbands to consider our wives best interests foremost in our activities.

      • manatita44 profile image

        manatita44 

        4 years ago from london

        Your article is useful and will benefit some. So thank you for sharing. Still, it also highlights a problem that cannot be solved in relationships.

        Loneliness can induce great pain in an otherwise very noble soul or souls. Many of your rationale and statements may be true on a human level, but people can also be lonely in stable relationships also. This aloneness comes from the yearning of the Soul for its Freedom, and it will be there until such time as it has re-discovered its true Source.

        I have taken extracts from a piece written by Tusitala Tom below. It's in answer to a question about love but I feel that it is very valid here.

        " Being in love is a feeling that we lack something in ourselves but that this other person we are in love with will make us feel whole, fulfilled.

        Of course, it is a tempoary illusion. If we continue to rely on another person to make us feel that our life is complete we are giving our power of complete automomy over ourselves to another. After a while we will resent that. This is why so many who 'fall out of love' or have someone leave them feel either bitter or devastated ....

        On the other hand, if our 'being in love' gradually evolves into our simply loving the other person for what they are; letting them be part of our lives if they want to be but never controlling them or trying to make them over to how we would like them to be, then we have moved forward; we have grown as a human being.

        Our Western Culture has instigated an awful lot of myth about being in love. And make no mistake, being in love is a very powerful emotion. Such is its power that it can almost turn us bi-polar whilst we are in its grip. We are up when things are going well; very much down when they are not. We do feel the ecstasy of being in love. We do very much feel the pain of losing such love.

        But to reiterate, love is a stand alone. "I love you' means just that. A mother loves her baby. A brother loves his brother. A father loves his father. These are types of love that are not the cloying, clinging love which can be so devastating when we go through 'being in love."

        Loneliness in 'human love', from my standpoint, springs from being attached or infatuated with a situation which is essentially temporary and will one day disappear. It may fulfill the emotional need but not the Soul's greater quest. This kind of loneliness may be found even in the most stable relationships.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        4 years ago from The Caribbean

        SallyBea, you're absolutely right. With the Internet feeling so private, many lonely people try to find companionship online. That is just wrong for married people. Thank you for your input.

      • sallybea profile image

        Sally Gulbrandsen 

        4 years ago from Norfolk

        I think loneliness in a marriage or partnership is very common. Oddly enough I think a contributing factor may even be the internet - people are now turning to complete strangers to fill the void in their lives.

        Happy New Year MsDora - may it be filled with love and happiness.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        4 years ago from The Caribbean

        Crafty, congratulations on a happy marriage and thank you for sharing from your experience. "It takes commitment, patience, and understanding." That's your wisdom talking. Happy New Year and continued happiness to you and your loving spouse.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        4 years ago from The Caribbean

        Denise, thank you for your very helpful comment. I totally agree that solving the problem is more worthy than looking elsewhere. Hope lonley wives heed that caution.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        4 years ago from The Caribbean

        Dashing Scorpio, thank you for your very wise input. "The key is finding someone who wants what you want. 'It's easier to maintain a fire than it is to reignite a spark!'" I appreciate that.

      • CraftytotheCore profile image

        CraftytotheCore 

        4 years ago

        This is such an interesting Hub! I was in a relationship once and felt very lonely. I am married to a man now who is so loving and kind. I have never felt like I'm missing out on his attention like I did in my past relationship. My husband puts me first. He is compassionate and selfless. I think that was the difference in the prior relationship. It takes selflessness in a relationship. It takes commitment, patience, and understanding. When one spouse is selfish, the relationship can have dire consequences.

      • denise.w.anderson profile image

        Denise W Anderson 

        4 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

        Loneliness is a difficult emotion, especially when we expect that being married, we should not have to be lonely any more. Your counsel is wise. As we look for the good, and work on the relationship, we can solve the problem rather than looking elsewhere.

      • dashingscorpio profile image

        dashingscorpio 

        4 years ago

        It's a strange irony that the longer a couple has been together the less interaction many of them have with one another. I've witnessed many instances where the women spend their free time with their girlfriends or family members and the men spend time with their male friends golfing or watching sports in "the man cave" and even if the couple attends a function together they tend to "work the room separately". When they're at home they're working on separate hobbies, reading books, or watching different TV programs in separate rooms. Gradually they become roommates with the same last name.

        Several years ago I was having lunch in a restaurant on the San Clemente Pier in California. A couple sat at a table never spoke to one another. The woman began reading a book and the man read a newspaper. Upon the arrival of another couple they were waiting on they "turned it on" and began engaging in a lively conversation with several moments of laughter. It was as if they (needed company) to shine.

        There is a certain amount of "relaxing" or "taking for granted" that a lot of couples see as being "normal" in long-term relationships. They start off as hot and heavy romantic adventures then they pull away to insure they keep their own identities as individuals. Oftentimes this happens even if no one is contemplating having an affair. Some people are happy knowing they "have someone" even if he or she is in another room. Others believe it's "unrealistic" to expect to keep romance alive in long-term relationships/marriages. The key is finding someone who wants what you want. "It's easier to maintain a fire than it is to reignite a spark!"

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        4 years ago from The Caribbean

        Frank, you make reasonable observations. People find ways to contact people they want to contact. Perhaps loneliness in marriage means that the victims do not care for contact. Thanks for your input.

      • Frank Atanacio profile image

        Frank Atanacio 

        4 years ago from Shelton

        I did find the stats u give kind of surprising.. only because you say and use the word lonely.. with so many ways to contact someone I wonder why that's so.. back in the real days.. once you leave the house the only means of communication is a payphone or a phone at the job.. just wondering how many lonely people (altogether ) ..Another hub Msdora that really made me think.. hmmm

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        4 years ago from The Caribbean

        HealthyAnnie, thank you for your kind comment. Loneliness in marriage seems to be very common. What a surprise for those who get married for companionship.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        4 years ago from The Caribbean

        Bill, thank you for reading and for your New years wishes. The best o 2014 to you and yours also.

      • Healthyannie profile image

        Annie Messeri 

        4 years ago from Spain

        It may seem hard to believe but you can be lonely in a relationship. Good presentation about a difficult subject. Made me think about Princess Diana.

      • billybuc profile image

        Bill Holland 

        4 years ago from Olympia, WA

        The statistic at the beginning does not surprise me at all. I think this sort of thing is very common in society today. Well done, Dora, an important subject for sure. Happy New Year my friend.

      • MsDora profile imageAUTHOR

        Dora Weithers 

        4 years ago from The Caribbean

        Faith, thank you for your affirmation. The very best to you and yours for 2014.

      • Faith Reaper profile image

        Faith Reaper 

        4 years ago from southern USA

        Excellent and interesting article as always Ms Dora! Yes, marriage does take supernatural power for sure, if it is going to last.

        Many points to ponder here.

        Up and more and sharing

        God bless, Faith Reaper

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