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What Not to Do When You Realize You Have a Cheating Spouse

Image: graur codrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image: graur codrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net | Source

Lately you’ve been suspicious of your significant other. They appear to be taking better care of themselves, spending more time showering, getting dressed and more concerned with their appearance. He or she even went ahead and got that gym membership that you talked about at the beginning of the year. Initially, you were glad to know that all of the so called nagging you’ve been doing has finally paid off. Then it hits you. Not only are they more concerned with their physical appearance, but their new found confidence has actually changed their attitude, for the worse!

They start staying out late, going to parties and events that you aren’t invited to and paying you less attention. This person all of a sudden has friends you’ve never met (and you’ve met all of them, or so you thought)! Not to mention the private phone conversations and the sudden need to have the phone glued to their side. Heaven forbid if you innocently asked, “Who was that on the phone sweetie?” Instead of the usual Chris, Bob, Cindy or Jill it becomes an argument. Major red flag!

You don’t have proof but something just doesn’t seem right. It’s like a dreary thought that won’t go away. You decide to confide in your friends and family but they all say the same thing. “Do you really think he/she is cheating”? Do you have any substantial evidence? Maybe you’re just overreacting!

Deep down you know something is wrong so you confront your spouse. And not surprisingly your spouse denied it. As a matter of fact they acted as if the mere thought of cheating on you was impossible because of the love and respect they have for you. So, like the forgiving person you are, you take their word. You have no reason not to, but for some reason those negative feeling just won’t go away.

You’ve been so paranoid lately. Then all of a sudden it’s staring you right in the face. Maybe you saw the two of them together… You found a phone number and decided to call… You hired a private investigator… A trustworthy friend called to deliver the bad news! However it happened, you finally discovered that the person you love is a coldblooded cheater. You have proof, but now what? The last thing you want to do is overreact, but how could you not?! My advice is simple, so please take a deep breath and think. And try not to do this!

Do not become a stalker! If you decide to stay with your partner, do not take up a hobby as a psycho detective in your spare time. You are going to have to get over what he or she did in order to move on. Checking up on you spouse is not going to change what they did or prevent them for doing it again. You have to trust that you made the right decision to work it out, and in time you partner should prove to you (by their actions) that it was a one time slip up and it won’t happen again. If it does, maybe it’s time to move on.

Do not sleep around! Sometimes we have it in our head to seek revenge. And revenge to most of us is to do the exact same thing that caused the lack of trust in the relationship in the first place. “She cheated on me so I’ll do the same to her”. Not only is it childish, but it only creates more problems. This may be an old saying but, “Two wrongs don’t make a right”!

Do not attack the person they cheated with! This is a common mistake with many. To go after the other man or woman will not help the situation because this person did not make a commitment to you. There are some instances where the other person may be a friend or someone who is aware that you’re in a relationship, but regardless of that fact, your main concern should be with your spouse.

Do not compare yourself! I highly doubt that when your boyfriend, fiancé, or husband started cheating he thought to himself, “She’s taller, cuter, slimmer, etc”. Same for you men out there! Women are not comparing looks, and if so I'm almost certain this is not the reason behind their infidelity.. That being said, the act of cheating itself is usually deeper than the physical appearance of the other person. Your partner may just have some issues within themselves that they need to work out.

Do not blame yourself for their infidelity! You are not responsible for anyone’s actions but your own, Period! Did YOU cheat? Were YOU unfaithful? Did YOU lie to the person you love? You see where I’m going with this. Unless you gave your spouse permission to see other people, better yet you pointed a gun to his head and said go cheat, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Do not resort to violence of any kind! (tire slashing, window breaking or domestic violence) especially if children are involved. You don’t want to set a bad example for your children. Legal action can also be taken against you. Depending on how far you take it, word can get out about you behavior and you can lose your job (hurt the reputation of your company), friends and disapproving family members. Plus in the end you look like the real idiot.

Letting Go

I understand that you may be going through a lot, especially if you’ve invested lots of time in the relationship. Cheating devastates any relationship, so correct me if I’m wrong to say that when a married man or woman finds out that their husband or wife cheated, it’s a little more heart breaking than a boyfriend or girlfriend who cheats, because of the level of commitment expected.

Better yet, a person who has spent years with another, and those that have children together suffer more. But the first thing you should do is stop and think about whether or not this is something you are willing to try to work out. For some it’s possible to get pass the devastation and heartbreak, for other’s it’s not that simple.

Whatever your course of action is, you will eventually have to learn to let it go. If you decide to work it out with your spouse, you have to get pass it and let it go. If you break up, but have children, you have to let it go for the sake of the kids. Even if you don’t have children, and decide not to stay together, you still need to let it go. The last thing you want to do is bring old baggage into a new relationship. LET IT GO!

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Comments 36 comments

New Life profile image

New Life 6 years ago from Chandler, Arizona

Very good article, and good tips on what not to do...


Kim 6 years ago

AMEN! If they're going to cheat, they aren't worth the extra hassle of getting "even" and if they were cheating, that person doesn't deserve the love you give selflessly.


Infidelity Doctor 6 years ago

Hi,

Just one thing.. and i'm speaking from experience (unfortunately) - If you areNOT SURE whether your spouse is cheating on you or not, you definitely shouldn't become a stalker, however, you REALLY have to get to the bottom of it, otherwise - you are just going to be lied to and decieved over and over again.. SO -

if you think your spouse may be cheating on you,

YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY CHECK THIS ONE OUT:

http://www.spousecheat.com

please, do yourself a favour and stop being the victim.

P.S.

don't get in that website unless you really are suspicious of your spouse and you are willing to handle the horrible truth you may find with the help of that link.

good luck.


nashati 6 years ago

i like the aticle but it's sort of leaving the cheated one to do absolutely nothing!i agree you shouldn't do those things but at least you should have told us what to do!CHEK MORE ON

http://wisegels.com


S. Jordan profile image

S. Jordan 6 years ago from Florida Author

nashati, if you read the title you will find out why i did not say what you should do. On the other hand, it is not leaving the cheated one to do nothing, it merely suggests that you shouldn't act irrational.


Neverletitgo profile image

Neverletitgo 6 years ago from Minneapolis, MN

Very nice hub. Thanks for your advice.


bugslady8949 profile image

bugslady8949 5 years ago from The Bahamas

you are totally right when you say you have to let it go, but it will take time. I will not stay with someone who cheated because that level of trust is gone. I think you did a great job on this hub.


looker4ever 3 years ago

I've been suspicious for a while, he leaves for work more than an hour early to walk and walks at lunch and after work the same amount of time says he just rides his motorcycle for therapy. I got into his e-mail (not sure that's a good idea you have to be ready for the worst) I saw photos that he's taken of her while they walk, the worst part we have a place in the country and he's taken naked photos of her on our bed, how I knew I recognized my comforter. I am so distraught I don't how and when to handle this. We have two beautiful teenage daughters. Our lives are going to change and I wasn't prepared to be a single mom. When I married it was suppose to be one time.


mike 3 years ago

Looker4ever,

I caught my wife cheating on me. Although I'm trying to stick it out. .

The number one thing you can do is take care of yourself.

Hang in there...


heisaserialcheate 2 years ago

I'll just get to the point, boyfriend of 12 years comes home at 5am, which is nothing new, he's a biker, slept until 2pm, got up in a great mood, asked me if I wanted a carryout, I said sure, he takes a shower, gets the food, Im done eating, I go downstairs to finish laundry, his underwear stunk like nasty p***y. I flew up the stairs, rubbed them in his face and yelled who did you screw, he replies no one, I didn't take a shower yesterday BS....I watched go in and take one!, a month later I started having burning in my vagina, went to Drs. gave me cream told me come back in 2 weeks for a pap, I did, never heard back anything, this shit lasted a year until I got a call that I have an std..(trich)! He hugged me and said sorry, won't tell me anything, it's been 2 years now and I do not love him anymore, because when he came home late like that in the past, my stomach would feel sick, because I new, and now getting the std from him only proves that he is a liar, cheater .....stuck, and I want answers!!


nia 2 years ago

I literally just found out my boyfriend of 8yrs has been having an affair for 2yrs. Im heart broken we have two children and all I want is to cut all ties with him however due to the kids that's not possible, im so torn in what to do as he keeps blaming me for the affair, I just hope it gets easier


S. Jordan profile image

S. Jordan 2 years ago from Florida Author

First off Nia I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation but just know that you will get through it with or without your husband. The best thing to do is to try and keep outsiders out of your business because on the one hand people will have you believing you should leave and on the other hand some will encourage you to work it out. The decision on what you do from this point on should be yours. Now as far as him blaming you for the affair it is not your fault that he couldn't come to you with whatever issues he had before it got to that point. With that being said it still doesn't mean that there isn't a chance to forgive and work on your marriage. Again whatever you do is your decision and I hope everything works out the way you want it to especially since you have two little ones to look after.


Kim 2 years ago

I walk in on my husband in the room with another woman. She was ugly and a drug addicted they had there cloths on. My thing is that he lied about where he was at and hide his car. Do u thing he was getting ready to cheat?


Parrish K 2 years ago

My wife cheated on me with the bum she was dateing 7years ago. Before we got married. She now has move him into our home around our 4year old daughter. Thee bitch is heartless with no feeling. I did not cause nothing.


kevtec 2 years ago

do you want proof ,are you searching his/her password?

we can help you

Kevintechnologics@safe-mail.net


Confused and cheated on 2 years ago

I caught my partner using a phone app.

I caught him driving out of a brothel and he saw me see him so there was no way if denying it. The timing was for God! I honestly believe that. I've asked him to move out and have been sonewhat pleasant and rational through all this.

Im getting all over the place now though... I remember before I was with him, I used to have to care about what people thought of me and. That defined me but with him I didn't have to do that because I thought he loved me I could just be myself.

After we talked, the first thing that he did was go into his room to the Dept of Immigration website because we were having a partner visa assessed... It made me think wow! Seriously! Then he came in my room and asked if we could just lie down together for a while to say goodbye... I said no and realised that it would be a long time before anyone else would be there to hug me while I sleep :-( that's gonna be the hardest thing!! it's so hard!! :'-( I can't believe he did that to me. I can't believe that I'm going through this...

I wanna hug him goodbye but I can't stand the thought of his hands on me :'-( what do u think I should do? Is it ok to get a hug from the person that's causing you the pain? Is it good for closure? Would I regret it if I didn't... Or if I did?

I think the thought of the separation is the one that's consuming me. I never thought I'd have to think about being with someone else. I just thought that it was just thoughts but that maybe it wouldn't be a reality?? I dnt know.

He's still talking about working it out. He's all like 'this is a huge wake up call and the biggest turning point in my life' Blah blah only because he got caught.

I still don't know about the hug and closure though. I'm in a mix if bitterness and pain and I know my self worth is going to take a toll in all of this once it fully hits me too.

Any advice would be really appreciated.


S. Jordan profile image

S. Jordan 2 years ago from Florida Author

Let me first start by saying that I am in no way an expert so my advice is a matter of opinion. I am also very sorry to hear what you are going through I know it must be hard but you can get through this sometimes it just takes some of us longer than others. As far as the hug goes that would be a big no for me but that is something you should decide on your own.

Once I feel it's over I tend to cut off all ties and communication for a while but again that is how I handle things. But I do know of a few people that need closure that have very different ways of getting it be a last hug, kiss or just a long conversation. The best advice I can give is to take a step back and think about what you want without letting your emotions control your actions.

Oh and another thing. You mentioned your partner saying this was a huge wake up call. Believe it or not sometimes it does take getting caught and the thought losing someone you really love to make a person change, granted many people resort to saying just about anything when caught. So do you think it was genuine? If so maybe you can work things out eventually but that doesn't mean getting together now. Give him time outside of a relationship to prove it. Remember actions speak louder than words.


tricia 2 years ago

So my husbamd of 12 years came home at 10 am sunday morning and I asked him where I was he told sme he didn't want to hurt me. After furrhwr asking he told me the truth. He had met a woman at the bar and went home with her

After only a 25 min conversation it was decided he would spend that night and take the next day to clear his head. I will admit I had to ask hime three time to come up to bed to hold me. He initiated love making he held me. The next day he didn't call or come home. I left him be. On my way to work the next day I saw his car parked at a house I flet like gos had guided me their. And of course he is their with her. I told him it wan enough and that he needed to xome home. We have 6 children. We uad.made love two days before he initially cheated. He is suppose to come home tonight and talk to the girls about what's going on. He says he is confused and doesn't know what to do. He says he.loves me and our girl's but rhen why isn't he coming home and begging my forgiveness? How do I get him to come back


lib 2 years ago

Add Your Commenti nd help.. my wife and I got back together a few months ago after a yr of seperation of a 13 yr relationship and 7 yrs married. Were 30. She is definitely not the same person and I know she has Ben cheating. Her n her friend lie for each other and I can't catch her. But I know she is. She comes home reaking of sex and her vagina smells what should I do. I nd help I'm going insane.


Lauren Jackman 2 years ago

I love the sex that I have with Mark Pavlick. I hate that he has to leave and return to his wife and kids. Some day he will stay or she will leave. He can not stand her so I am not sure why he stays with her. #markpavlick


Anon 2 years ago

Ignore these crazy advertisements.

Listen to me, why? Because we both were just cheated on.

Look, let's face it - we both know it's over. Your spouse, your girl/boy friend cheated. You can be strong, and now is the time.

Look out at the sunrise tomorrow, not the sunset. That means a fresh day. Go find happiness, because this pain is real - but that happiness is out there for the taking.

Go make tomorrow awesome.

And, forget the haters...or in this case, cheaters :D


SANTIAGO AMANGAN 2 years ago

NO SIGN OF NEGATIVE BUT DURING THE LAST WORDS OF THE PASTOR WHO DO OUR MARRIAGE AND WHO IS RELATIVES OF MY FAKE WIFE, HE SAID "SHE WILL CHANGE LATER". MY COUSIN GOT HIS WHEN THEY ARE FOURTEEN YEAR OLD BUT THEY ARE HAPPY WITH THEIR FIVE CHILDREN. OUR NINANG STAYING AT KM 3 AND KM4 BAGUIO LA TRINIDAD TOLD TO THE FAMILY OF MY FAKE WIFE THAT THEY SHOULD NOT ALLOW SOMETHING FOR ME. AFTER TWO WEEKS OF OUR MARRIAGE, MY FAKE WIFE TOLD ME THAT "ANYTHING I WILL DO THERE IS NOTHING FOR ME." BASE ON THE FAMILY OF MY FAKE WIFE THEY TOLD ME THAT I SEND HER TO SCHOOL AGAINST BECAUSE SHE DID NOT FINISH AFTER FOUR YEARS HER COURSE. I RETURN TO JEDDAH KSA FOR MY WORK SINCE MY FAKE WIFE CONTINUE GO TO SCHOOL BUT NEARLY TWO YEARS MY FAKE WIFE TOLD ME THAT SHE BRING OUT HER CHILD THEN I ASK WHY SHE DO THAT AND ANSWER IS JUST SORRY. THEN I CALLED OUR NINANG WHOSE ORIGIN FROM CANDON ELOKANDIA AND TOLD THAT " I WILL BUY A GUN TO HAVE DUELLO TO HIS BROTHER THE FATHER OF DAUGHTER OF MY FAKE WIFE". MY ANSWER TO MY SELF " I AM NOT A DOG TO BITE ALSO AND TAKE A WIFE OF RACE THAT IS REAL BELIEVERS OF GOD WHO INTENTIONALLY DO TO CHEAT JUST FOR FOOD.". "WHERE IS MY RIGHT AS A PILIPINO AND BELONG TO A DEMOCRATIC COUNTRY."


Don 2 years ago

My wife told me she had fantasies about having sex with younger men and my response was good because I will go find a younger woman to have a fling with. She said no it is just a fantasy. I do not know why because I am in great shape lift weights everyday and drive a hot red expensive muscle car.


Christopher mokgoela 2 years ago

Guys pls I need sum hlp bout,I hv my wife an I was wrkin so nw,,,I'm no longer wrking bt,I'm busy lookin for another job!!!!an I lav her,,,so all de tym she's busy postin. Shit on Facebook bout,,bout my wrk prblm,and she tell hers friend dat she going to married again to another man'coz me I'm no longer employee....guys an I did spent mo money to tk her to school ,,,,plz advice guys


Lawrence Singh profile image

Lawrence Singh 2 years ago from Thunder Bay, Ontario

my partner and I have been together for 12 yrs. I was in a bad retationship before I met him. He knew my ex and promised me the stars. He has been faithful and keep his promises for. But lately he has been hanging around with this couple says they are his best friends. Goes to their house every friday. He invited me too but I didn't go. A month ago he invited them to our house and he was from the beginning giving her all the attention. I was not aware of it, but caught on gradually by this time the 3 of them were getting drunk but i always keep it cool. Then I realized when he went to the kitchen or left the patio when we 4 sat she would follow him. At one point it clicked me so I followed and saw him kissing her in my kitchen and she never pushed him. so I checked his phone OMG they have been talking very day from the last 4months. He phones she phones all day long. When i told him about the kissing he said he was too drunk and does not remember. I said ok but why didn't she refuse or push You. He said he doesn't know. He promised not to phone her which he does but says he will go their house because the husband will mind. My kids are all grown up. her kids are still with her and the husband. She claiming to be a perfect mother on FB and a wife. Now my question is should I tell the husband because they are still on the phone to and from everyday. If so what should I tell him there are records of phone. My partner does not know about the phone


Stupid me... 2 years ago

So, I walked in on my boyfriend of 9 months and my boss fooling around. I forgave him but haven't forgotten. I left the night it happened we had talked for hours the day of and he finally admitted that he truly loved me and I was the most amazing person in his life that his ex has his heart all torn and distroyed and I personally understand that. So I gave him another chance. Well we were on our way out of town and I had his phone in my hand looking up and address to where we were going, and I saw in his "open apps" a picture of a female. For a moment it didn't mean anything because I thought it was me just by glancing at it. Then it dawned on me, I haven't sent him any "half naked" pictures recently? And then I decided to look at the picture and it was from his insurance lady whome I was friends with through mutual friends...... So I confronted him. An he text her and said not to send him pictures ever again, him and I were back together. And I of course text her as well and told her I was going to be as calm and professional as I could and ask her to delete us off of her FB, and if I ever found out this countinues there would be punishment..... But my thing is, he sat there and told me he isn't sure why she sent him the picture. They haven't been "talking" like that for her to do so. Blah blah blah. I knew was bs due to the previous cheating two weeks earlier. And we couldn't go back and read previous messages to get down to the bottom of why she sent it because he always deletes things from his phone and has since day one........ So now I constintanly think he's talking to someone and I don't snoop because obviously pointless being how he deletes it all lol. But am I seriously that big of a freAking idiot to go back after the first physical cheating then stay after the picture?!!!?!


Johne180 2 years ago

obviously like your website however you need to check the spelling on several of your posts. Several of them are rife with spelling issues and I to find it very bothersome to tell the truth on the other hand I will definitely come again again. dccedebekegb


S. Jordan profile image

S. Jordan 2 years ago from Florida Author

Thank you so much for visiting my posts. I will definitely read over and make the necessary corrections.


SANTI 24 months ago

IF SHE/HE HAVE THE HEART TO FOLLOW GOD THEN SHE/HE MUST DO THE RIGHT THINGS IF SHE/HE HAS SOUL BECAUSE I HAVE A SOUL BASE ON WHAT I HAVE DONE. 2 CORINTHIANS 6:14-17. MATTHEW 19:9


irene west 23 months ago

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j+ 22 months ago

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Mark 14 months ago

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DeborahStarling 3 days ago

Great advice, thank you. Unfortunately, this is something that happens all too often and I myself experienced it firsthand. It takes a lot to forgive, move on, and be able to trust again. The support of loved ones is huge and I found that reading articles like this and books on the subject also made me feel less alone and out of control. A fantastic book I found was, "The Accidental Divorcee" by Laura Scott (http://theaccidentaldivorcee.com/). I love it because it's not only a "survival guide" so to speak but it's so very personal and it covers everything from a cheating spouse to custody battles and even how to cope with taking off your ring. It's a quick read full of sound advice and it made me feel better than I have in a long time. There is no quick fix for infidelity or divorce/separation but there are some fantastic resources out there

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