Toxic Love: Coping With a Passive-Aggressive Relationship
We all have times when we can act a little passive aggressive, whether it’s agreeing to something but not following through or using sarcasm to make a point. That’s okay. But when passive-aggressive behavior becomes chronic, your relationship can become toxic very quickly.
Most passive-aggressive people are born in families that avoid conflict and don’t discuss topics that could upset others, so passive-aggressive people never learn how to deal with their anger and negative feelings in a healthy, constructive way. Most passive-aggressive people can be hard to deal with, uncomfortable to be around, and can share many similar behavior patterns.
But when you've fallen in love with a passive-aggressive person, what can you do?
Poll: Being Passive Aggressive
Have YOU ever acted passive-aggressively?
7 Most Common Passive-Aggressive Tactics and Why They’re Used
It's important to first learn about the most common passive-aggressive behaviors you may experience, and understand why your partner may be doing them.
1. Silent treatment
One of the hallmarks of passive-aggressive behavior, the silent treatment is when someone deliberately avoids any form of communication with you. The purpose of the silent treatment is to gain leverage over you, to put you off balance, to convey through silence and withholding affection that they are unhappy with something you did and that you are being punished for it.
2. Broody resentment
Broodiness can often be a manifestation of a type of passive-aggressive behavior where resentment and anger are shallowly concealed in silence and prolonged sulky unhappiness. When asked, your brooding partner may say that nothing is wrong and shut any attempts at discussing their unhappiness down. But despite their denials, their continued negative countenance, emotion, and tone of voice when speaking to you, say that they are upset about something but are just unwilling to talk about it with you.
By deliberately procrastinating after agreeing to perform a task, your partner is telling you in a passive-aggressive way that, actually, they don’t want to do that task. They’re hoping that by making excuses, deliberately “forgetting” and delaying as much as possible, you will give up and lower your expectations of them.
Sometimes, passive-aggressive people will lash out by making negative comments or criticize in barely disguised humor. When you become defensive or get upset by their remarks, they’ll deny any hostile intentions by saying that they’re just joking or complain that you were being too serious and can’t take a joke.
By taking thinly-veiled shots at you, your passive-aggressive partner hopes to bring you down so they can maintain a psychological upper hand over you.
The purpose of the silent treatment is to gain leverage over you, to put you off balance, to convey through silence and withholding affection that they are unhappy with something you did and that you are being punished for it.
5. Pretending to be a victim
Often used by passive-aggressive people to appear weak with the intention to exploit your guilty conscience, kindness, or protective instincts. For example, they could exaggerate health or personal problems, act dependent, co-dependent, and play at being powerless or a martyr.
6. Deliberately pushing your buttons
There are times when your passive-aggressive partner will deliberately do something they know will upset or annoy you. If you have a pet peeve, they will trigger that peeve as a way to express their feelings of hostility towards you. These actions are often due to deeper issues in the relationship that have not been openly discussed.
7. Saying one thing, doing another
This happens mostly in longer-term relationships when a passive-aggressive partner has given up on trying to work through some issues in the relationship. So they will resort to agreeing to do something just to avoid further confrontation on a recurring issue. But, just because they said “yes” doesn’t mean they will follow through. They will often procrastinate, make excuses, and try to avoid fulfilling the obligation however they can in the hopes that someone else will do it instead or that you'll just forget about it.
Poll: Dating a Passive-Aggressive
Have you ever dated a passive-aggressive person?
How to Cope With a Passive-Aggressive Partner
Now that you know where your partner's passive-aggressiveness may be coming from, there are a few things you can do to avoid escalating the problem and nip any toxicity in the bud.
1. Don’t take the bait
When responding to passive-aggressive behavior, make sure that you’re not doing any more than that. It’s important to recognize when a response will fan the flames of emotion and drama that your partner is trying to create. The key to responding without engaging in their toxic behavior is to only reply to the content of each interaction.
For example, if your partner says “thank you” but sounds anything but grateful, just respond to the content and say “you’re welcome” instead of calling them out on the emotional context.
2. Address each incident in the moment
If you’re confronting your partner about their passive-aggressive behavior, it’s likely that it’s not the first time they’ve behaved this way towards you. But avoid bringing up past incidents when you call them out on their toxic behavior. You’ll have a higher chance of getting through to them if you focus on what just happened instead.
Next time your partner behaves in a passive-aggressive manner, call them out on it right away and tell them how that made you feel in the moment.
Next time your partner behaves in a passive-aggressive manner, call them out on it right away and tell them how that made you feel in that moment.
3. Be assertive without being aggressive
When someone exhibits passive-aggressive behavior, they’re choosing to avoid instead of confronting an issue head-on. So it’s an opportunity for you to do the confronting. But be careful not to come across as too aggressive or accusatory because you’ll make the other person shut down. Instead, focus on how the issue or situation is making you feel and stay with “I” statements, which will prompt your partner to feel empathy and encourage healthy communication.
4. Is it worth it?
Sometimes, no matter how much you want the relationship to work or hope that someone will change, your efforts will prove futile. Many passive-aggressive people will never change just because you don’t like their behavior. So it’s also important to recognize when it’s not worth the effort to confront your partner’s toxic behavior in the hopes of saving your relationship.
© 2018 KV Lo