Six Signals That Your New Partner Doesn't Want to Accept Your Children

Updated on July 7, 2017
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Do You Want to Continue Your Relationship If Your Partner Doesn't Like Your Children?

In contemporary society it is not uncommon for couples to break up, and many of these are couples who have children. This means that it's becoming more and more common for people with children to start dating again. This is a very tricky thing indeed.

Sometimes you might have the feeling that your new partner is a very good match for you, but how do you know whether your children will get along with him or her? And how do you know that your new partner will accept your children?

Sometimes this just won't happen and you'll have to choose between your partner and your children—that was the situation I was in. I hope you will protect your children and show your new partner the door if needed. But where do you draw the line?

I want to share my experiences with you. After five years in a relationship with a woman that was very special to me, I had to finish it. It broke my heart because I still loved her, but I knew I had to draw the line.

1. Your Partner Doesn't Talk Directly to Your Children

Communication Between Your Partner and Your Children Is Difficult

Starting from the very first moment, the communication between my new girlfriend and my children was very difficult. At first, I didn't think much of it. In my case this was pretty normal since I'm Belgian (my mother tongue is Dutch) and my girlfriend was Croatian.

Since my children don't speak English (yet), and I didn't think much of the fact that she didn't talk directly to them. Apart from that, there was another barrier. My ex was very shy and she told me from the beginning that she had never wanted to have children. I thought she just had to get used to having children in her life.

I began to become more worried when she learned to speak Dutch perfectly after a few months of intense courses (she is a polyglot and has a thing for languages) and still didn't communicate with the children. Moreover, when she wanted to convey a message, it was always something negative and I was always used as a channel. I really felt bad about this.

Although I had the feeling that it was perfectly OK that she wanted to discipline the children (as a divorced dad I was typically a bit too lenient towards them), I also felt that it was not right that there were never any positive messages for the children.

At one point I wanted to break up with her, but she was desperate to keep the relationship going. Since I didn't want to lose her either, I told her that we could continue the relationship under certain conditions. I told her that she was right in insisting on the fact that it was her life too and that it was her apartment to live in as well.

I told her that her messages for my children certainly had value, but that I couldn't put up with so many negative emotions if there was not a real positive bond underneath it all. She promised me she would initiate some communication between her and my children, but she never did. After five years I had to make the terrible decision to break up with the woman I was still very much attracted to. And I just wished I had done it a lot sooner.

2. Your Partner Gives Presents That Are Intended to Keep the Children Away From the Two of You

"I'll buy you a TV so you can watch it in your room!"

I have to be fair: my ex did give some nice clothes to my children, and they were very happy with them. But when she suggested that they should have a TV and a computer in their room, I didn't have to think twice about what the message was: stay in your room.

The sad thing is that I kind of went along with that idea. My ex could be very irritated when the children were watching a program at a moment that she felt like watching something. Or when one of the children was on the computer (never mind they were working for school) when she wanted to be online. Of course, she never told them directly to get lost. Most times she didn't even tell me, but she surely made it felt that she was annoyed.

In the end, my children got used to immediately leaving the computer and the TV when she came home and going to their room. It was not only them evading her. She tried to be home as little as possible when they were around. I know she did a lot of effort to plan stuff to be able to escape them.

In this sense, for a moment I thought it would be a good idea that my children would indeed have Internet and TV in their room to avoid complications. Looking back, this line of thinking was already screwed up. I hoped for so long that my girlfriend, my children, and me would just be able to relax and watch TV together. We tried once or twice, but then it was forced. We never succeeded in having nice evenings together as a family.

3. Your Partner Would Love to Go on a Trip With You . . . but Only Without the Children.

To Become a Family, You Need to Spend Time Together.

We all don't have enough free time, and we all cherish our leisure time, and yes, it's a good idea to spend time with your partner without the children . . . but when he or she never wants to go anywhere with you and your children together, be sure that your partner is not really accepting your children as a part of his or her life!

My ex loved to go places, and when she first came to live in Belgium, we made a trip almost every weekend to somewhere new. (Yes I know you think Belgium is a boring country, but you are mistaken — Bruges, Antwerp, Ghent, Leuven, and Mechelen are all very nice cities — but that's another story :) ). We only went a few times to places together with the children. And every time it was a disaster.

Once we went to Bruges to meet my brother and his new girlfriend. Since this was a family thing she felt she couldn't refuse having the children with us on a trip. At first this seemed like a good idea. Bruges is really nice and since there was also my brother and his girlfriend, she could ignore the children without finding herself on her own. Things changed when I asked the children if they would like to take a small boat trip on the 'reien' (canals).

My ex thought this was a stupid idea. Something for mindless tourists. Since I felt I already made a promise to the children, I went ahead with the idea anyway. She turned cold and went her own way. The day was spoiled. The point here is that she couldn't have it that we would do things especially for the children.

On another occasion we went to a theme park. This was in the very beginning of our relationship. The children loved it and my girlfriend actually tried to enjoy herself, but when she noticed that I wanted to do some attractions with my kids that she didn't like, she became very upset. The bottom line was, again, that she found it very hard to cope with the fact that sometimes I wanted to give precedence to the wishes of my children. Alas, I was too much in love and too naïve to let go of her then :(

4. Your Partner Is Jealous With Your Children!

You Don't Want to Be the Judge Between Your Children and Your Partner!

I would like to think that the people I love are too grown-up to be competing with children. But sadly, that is exactly what happened between my ex and my children. Often I felt as if I was put in a position to judge on who was being good and who was being bad. Not a good thing! If your partner is not mature enough to put him or herself above situations that he or she doesn't like, and starts to quarrel with the children about stupid little things, and on top of that asks you to take a position on who is right, than maybe he or she is not mature enough to have children!

That is not to say that your partner should just accept all the tricks the children play. But your partner should realize that it is a better strategy to talk through the rules with you and to be sure to be on the same level with you instead of getting caught up in a fight with your child.

If the latter happens, your partner is putting him or herself in the child's position and then you are the only one left in the parent position. As adults, you should form a separate subsystem in the family and be 'above' the children. Also, it is very much advised that you can alternate in being the 'strict' and the 'easygoing' parent. If you always have to give the difficult messages to the children, or if it's always you who has to soften the strictness of your partner, you're making it so much more difficult for yourselves. This is also true for biological parents in the 'normal' family.

It is also a big problem when your partner and your children are competing for your attention. It is normal that there is a tension between the needs of your children and the needs of your partner, but it should not be played out in front of the children. Both your partner and your children should know when they can lay claim on you! Jealous reactions of your partner with your children should be a no-go!

5. Your Partner Expects Your Children to Behave Like Adults

Children Should Be Able to Be Children

As a single parent, it is very easy to let slip the rules that your children should respect.

First of all: if you broke up with the mother or father of your children, there is a good chance that, at least partially, you had different ideas about how to raise children.

When you break up, it's very tempting to throw out all the rules you thought differently about than your partner. Later on, though, you might find out that your ex had a point in what he or she expected from the children.

Second, breaking up is very hard and you might feel like finding emotional support with your children. When you find yourself without the intimacy you had with your ex-partner, it can be tempting to look for closeness with your children. There is nothing wrong with that in itself, as long as it doesn't stop you from being a parent and imposing rules!

Now when a new partner arrives on the scene, it can be quite a shock that he or she thinks that you are being too soft on the children and expects them to shape up. Your new partner probably has a point. But when you and your children try to take into account the needs and sensitivities of your new partner and it is never good enough for him or her, that might be a sign that your partner doesn't really accept the children at all.

At least this is how it turned out in my relationship. There were always new rules and when the children (and me!) learned to attend to those rules, there were new rules on top of the new rules.

My ex also insisted that the children didn't make any effort, which was clearly not the case. In the end, I insisted that the rules should be written down, so we could check if they all had been followed on a certain day. But this also didn't work. She also stressed that her rules were 'natural,' that any normal child would follow those rules without effort, etc.

In short: it was impossible to live up to her expectations. Moreover, she was never very irritated when I broke her rules, but when the children did something wrong, she would become mad or even vile. Many times, I found myself in the position that I had to protect the children from her temper. When the children were just joyful, they would be too loud. When they were playing, she urged me to ask them to go and play outside., etc.

I still feel bad that I didn't intervene earlier. I just hope that by writing this article I can help you see the signs I didn't see. When your partner doesn't let your children be themselves, this is a sure sign your partner is not ready to have a relationship where children are involved.

6. You're Hesitant to Introduce Your Children to Your New Partner

What Is Your Gut Telling You?

Maybe you've been postponing the introduction of your new partner to your children. The question is: do you have good reason to believe you should? In my case, I was forced to introduce my new girlfriend immediately to my children. My new girlfriend was from Croatia and when she came to live in Belgium, she didn't have the financial means to live on her own first.

Looking back, I should never have taken this risk. I think it's far better to take it slowly. You can first talk about how your partner feels about kids before introducing them. And then build it up slowly. After that, you can do some activities as a family. Be attentive to what your new partner likes and dislikes in the children. If it is all happy happy joy joy, you'll probably be safe.

If they get irritated, ask yourself if it's because they don't want or like children. Talk about the difficult moments afterwards, both with your children and your new partner. You probably know all this, so the fact that you're still doubting is probably meaningful.

You also might not be ready for a serious relationship (be honest with yourself!), which is just fine. You don't have to rush things and there is nothing wrong with exploring a new relationship without at once having to get together with your or his or her family.

Or, you think he or she is not ready to accept the fact that you have children. If the latter is the case, please talk it through extensively! If you slow things down by talking about your children: that is just fine. If your new partner shies away because he or she finally realizes the consequences children would have for your life together: that's just for the best!

Believe me, it is better to lose a potential partner than having to admit that you've deprived your children of a happy family afterwards.

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      A Guy thats Stuck 8 hours ago

      Can I play devils advocate?

      I'm dating a woman, I love her, shes attractive, intelligent and very affectionate but I have come to resent me for resenting her child. This means I hate being around the both of them because I get a conflicted feeling where I should love everything that's close to her but her child just doesn't know when to stop.

      Her 8 year old. When ever her and her son used to go out she would constantly have to say her child's name as he would run around, pick up poles, hit things, talk over us, interrupt us. At night he would wake up multiple times and evenings and she would have to go for an hour to stay with him to fall asleep. (Every time I visit her...)

      He would walk in to us or tred on our shoes, slowly walk in front of us and slow down, if we had a conversation and if I pointed out that he's doing this do gain ourattention, she would say hes just being a child that's what they do!!

      My opinion is, no children do not do this as I have many friends and family that have children where they understand that behaviour warrants more fun. I come from a single parent family and at no age was I ever like this. I quizzed her and she would state.. No if I just looked at you a certain way, you would stop what you were doing or if I asked you to do something you would...

      I really liked her child initially, I thought initially, hey a pre-made family that I can take out with my peers. But this childs constant misbehaviour meant that I ended up comparing him to other children his age and feeling if I should be annoyed.

      I couldn't take them both out to restaurants as the child wouldn't sit down unless you negotiated some prize at the end, in museums he would kick a fuss if we didn't do what he said. I asked her to impose boundaries such as not allowing her child to sleep in her bedroom so often, and create a family room, that way her child can play in the main space rather than her space. As if I popped round to have an adult conversation with her in the evening he would automatically run in the bed room and lay on the bed then cause hers and my conversations to break down in to confusion after 10 minutes I would give up talking about what ive been up to or what ive been doing and just read an article or wish to be somewhere else.

      I was always taught it was rude to interrupt and generally understand that in a social environment, generating interruptions without reason is not right. Ask questions, maybe make a joke but just saying names so the focus is back on him is too much. I could spend several hours with her and just give up talking

      If we didn't pay attention to him he would cry or shout or generally be disruptive.

      Eventually I've stopped coming round, I cant spend the night on week days anymore as the child constantly interrupts us at night. I cant take her out on weekends as the child misbehaves too much.

      So now I'm at a point where I am on the cusp of leaving her, just because of her child. I suggested her to consider being less of a friend to her son and more a parent but she clearly stated she had researched this area and children should be children.

      So I said I accept this but if boundaries are not installed in the bedroom I cant stay round as if i go in the office extremely tired because of her child's intermittent sleep patterns I could lose my job.

      If I cant talk to her when we're out or he is up then I wont be able to bond with her and I cant direcly interact with the child anymore as he misbehaves too much and takes things too far and ive asked her to please be more parent like and stick to her word but she constantly falters when I'm not there so something as simple as respecting adults does not happen. Example playing a game with him and if I win he is liable to try and hit me with something, if we don't talk to him he will use something to hit me with or run away to get his mum looking at him again, and then I have to decide to tell him off but I'm not his father so I have to look to her to reinforce it.

      I'm tired of constantly telling him to stop and I'm now withdrawn I cant directly interact with the child. Especially on his really bad days in her eyes her child is an angel.

      Every child is different but its so hard to go places and see 6 year olds being able to walk down a street with out their mothers saying stop, come here, put that down.. every five seconds.

      I feel that hers and our relationship is coming very, very close to the end. I even thought, hmm if she and I were to have kids my family would question what the hell is this wild thing I'm bringing around them.

      So for all the mothers on here that dispute why guys don't like your child, maybe its not him, maybe its the way the child's acting. Love your child but by over compensating the child displays manipulation and a disruptive behaviour type because of the lack of consequences.

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      Cheri Wright 4 weeks ago

      So.. I have been dating a guy for a little over six months and just recently moved in together. He's helpful around the house such as cooking dinner, and cleaning for ME. He's a smoker (Yuck) and he drinks more than I knew. He has a dog, that gets excited, and pees drives me crazy.. But asked about crate training etc. He said he won't crate his dog. He does take her out potty more.

      Anyway.. When It comes to my daughter whom is 14. He doesn't talk to her, and doesn't do anything for her. Even when I am at work, and he is off and say she needs a ride he doesn't offer.. He won't involve himself with her at all... Is this OK? I feel like it's been long enough they should be having some communication. But Nothing on either side. And Now my daughter came to me and said she doesn't like him! OMG what to do? He treats me great. Is it just a teen thing or is my relationship doomed.

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      Mickey 5 weeks ago

      "Believe me, it is better to lose a potential partner than having to admit that you've deprived your children of a happy family afterwards."

      Please. You deprive your children of a happy family you have sex with a person who won't make a good parent and that sex leads to a kid. The deprivation is not in failing to find a sucker to right your wrong by parenting YOUR child. The entitlement of this generation is mind-blowing.

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      Steph 5 weeks ago

      I deal with a similar situation. Only my boyfriend has a son that contributes to the dislike of my son. I don't know what to do. My son is a great kid. Has his tantrums, same with every kid. My boyfriend is so tough on him. If he doesn't eat all his food it's the end of the world. Leaves toys or clothes out, again the end of the world. But when it come to his own son that's allowed. Boyfriends son tries to start arguments aboug my son. Tattle teller about the littlest things but makes it seem worse than reality. Today my boyfriend told me to tell my son to pack his shit cause he ate a donut that was not given to him. I can Go on and on with situations thatt have come up. I care for my man with all my heart but my son is number one. I know I need to end the relationship but the thought tears me apart. Why can't he just treat my son equal to his?

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      Mavic 7 weeks ago

      My husband doesn't like my first son. We were married for six years now and I from the start of our relationship as partners he already knew about my first son. As a single mom, one of my priorities for selecting a partner is that he must accept and love my first son. My husband promised that he accepts him(my son) and I never saw signs of unacceptance while we were just in a relationship. However, as the time we were married, everything changed..he began to show his unwantedness towards my son. I was then pregnant for our baby and that was the time he told me he cannot accept him. Although this was hard for me, I accepted the thought that maybe one day my husband will change his mind and will eventually love and accept my first son. But it was 6 years already and his feelings towards him does not changed..never at all..and I may say it became worst. What can I do?.. Is there will come a time that my husband will eventually accept my first son? This issue is always a cause of our fights and misunderstandings. Will I choose between my husband and my child?...I'm so confused please someone help me.

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      Am 2 months ago

      WOW. I see why my boyfriend wants to leave me. I guess I am really not ready to take care of his kids. After 6 years he says I need to "love" them not only "like" Them. He's also upset that i don't want to take care of his ex wife baby. But that last one is ridiculous.

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      MLA 2 months ago

      Check on all of them.

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      Marrow 2 months ago

      Thank you so much for this. I'm in a bind because I just moved in with my boyfriend, who doesn't have children, and I'm beginning to see these problems develop. On top of that, I live in a different country from family, so I truly need more support than if someone has their family around. I question sometimes, who is on MY side to support me? I feel supported from my boyfriend independently, but he's agitated after a phone call I made to my daughter when we have time alone. He says that she complains too much and needs to stop. She's 13. I tend to think that's PART of the territory in being that age and I agree to holding boundaries with my child and explaining that she cannot always complain because her attitude has an impact on those around her. I just don't know what to do and what's the time frame I give to figure this out? When is too early and when is it too late? At the moment the schedule is 5 days with dad and 5 days with me. Any input would be greatly appreciated!!!

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      Shell 2 months ago

      I was with my partner for 4 years we split up over 3 months ago now he's saying he can't be with me cause he's used to having no children in the house I have 2 children

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      Mari Liz 2 months ago

      Thank you for posting this.

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      Fee 3 months ago

      I think one has to realize that starting a new family with kids that have another parent is one of the biggest challenges. It is an unnatural situation for all people involved and according to research it takes 5 to 7 years for such a family to get used to the 'new' situation. Please if you're in a similar situation try to find some support from other people that understand (but stay away from negative people, that could influence you too much. I was on this Facebook group and there was quite some frustrated hateful people. Their comments didn't help me to stay strong and 'wise' when confronting stepparenting issues.)

      If it doesn't work out then you can hardly blame one person. Some of the situation described could come from the mother of the kids and no one would blame her for not accepting her children. If you CHOOSE to start a new relationship with kids involved then there will be ups and downs. Realizing this upfront makes things little easier to accept.

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      Sense 4 months ago

      The problem with this type of article is that some of these things are normal when the kid is shared by the parents (biologically). I just think because your aren’t expriancing that life style to take offense to anything that your boyfriend or girlfriend does to spend time alone or just with you as defensive. Why because they aren’t the parents. This is why it’s important to be careful who you have kids with so you can hopefully work it out. Single parents, kids and the outsider all become very on guard about things simply because it’s not a natural situation. The outsider doesn’t feel appreciated most of the time. It’s almost as if nobody really cares about their true feelings. Anything they say about the kids is automatically negative and simply taken as a sign that you shouldn’t be together. But if the natural parent points out something the two parents work on developing the child. It’s just baffles me that people want relationships with people with out kids but also with those peoples interjections and feelings. They just want the person to follow you and your kids lead. It’s just ridulous. You need to make a list on how the person with kids can make things easier for the person with out.

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      Becca 4 months ago

      My boyfriend broke things off with me bc of my kids. He was not used to kids and we had just been through the suicide of my ex husband (their dad). The kids were very stressed and I was busy dealing with all of their emotions. He just left me without even trying to work things out. Now it’s hard not to have resentment toward my own children and i feel so guilty. I think the stress of trying to fill the dad role was too much. And they just made him feel uncomfortable.

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      Fred 5 months ago

      @Aryu

      Wow, that's very aggressive from your girlfriend who admits that she would slap your daughter! Surely she is jealous, but on the other hand we don't know your daughter. She might be petulant as well, probably still for her young age or frustrated for being caught up in an unnatural imperfect (patchwork) family...

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      Mary 5 months ago

      Very helpful ¡

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      Aryu 6 months ago

      My daughter is 18 and my gf is 28 and from the beginning there were signs that I chose to ignore. My gf says really nasty things to me like well if your daughter talked to me like that I would slap the shit outta her or i dont lose sleep when she doesn't speak to me. I feel very torn because she is callous and mean.

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