How to Deal With an Angry Husband Without Sacrificing Your Dignity

Updated on December 28, 2017

Some women compare living with an angry husband to living by an active volcano. One always lives in a constant state of alertness—always waiting for something to blow up and splatter molten lava everywhere. Even a small outburst can immediately throw one off-balance and ruin a perfectly lovely day. The one big difference between a husband and a volcano is that you can more easily move away from one of them.

However on the other hand, a husband is also more manageable than a volcano. You can at least somewhat prepare yourself to deal with your husband to whom you've committed your life and love. If you'll allow me to, I'd like to share a few things from a guy's perspective, based on my own past and actions. Because, well, no one knows men better than men—after all, dogs know dogs best.

The following advice is based on the assumption that your husband's anger is directed at you, and not a politician or the electricity bill. However in order for the advice to be effective, it may require you to shift your own mental perspective and, often times, your ego.

It is essential you do what is best for both of you. So, if you are ready to arm yourself with a new mindset and learn helpful skills, then read on.

Mind-frame for Handling an Angry Husband

  1. Don’t be afraid. Don't fear the anger itself. Know that anger stems from a general lack of real power. Often, it's because one doesn't have control over one’s situation. It helps to look at it as a baby’s cry, rather than a lion’s roar.
  2. Reflect on your actions. Think about whether you played any role in triggering this anger. It pays to be honest with yourself here. If you did play a role escalating the conflict, this will require an approach of taking ownership of your actions and maybe apologizing for them if the situation calls for it. However if you didn't contribute to his anger, then your priority shifts to showing him where he misunderstood you, but not now.
  3. Know that anger is a habit. Many times, a man's anger is simply a condition—a habit triggered by the most trivial events. It’s not your fault that he has a short fuse, no matter how he may try to unintentionally (or intentionally) brainwash you into believing so. His words and actions are his own responsibilities, so never take blame for what he does or says.
  4. Don't try to take the reins. Don't try to control your husband's anger. First things first with this, don't focus on trying to change him, because you can't. Only he can. All you can do is control how you react to it and what it does to you on your end. In other words, he can spit fire but you can shield yourself from letting it burn you.
  5. Anger is a form of great suffering. When a man abuses a woman, he abuses himself too. Initially, anger makes a man feel powerful and in control but it slowly burns and consumes him from within. Eventually, that stereotypical sense of "manliness" has a boomerang effect on the man's physical and spiritual health and he agonizes a great deal without ever acknowledging or letting it show. This results in a vicious cycle. If you can see it for what it is then things can seem a bit less personal and more of a lesson about the causes of human suffering.
  6. Anger is a weakness. Despite how it is often portrayed in our culture, anger is not a strength - it is a weakness. My spiritual teacher has a saying I really like on this topic, "Big dogs don't bark. They don't need to." Strong and confident men don't need to bark, only the insecure and fearful ones do. The real question should be - what is he hiding behind his anger?
  7. Humor is your best protector. When you're in a serious moment of witnessing your husband's anger, remember that laughter is the best medicine for both you and him. Think about some things that make you laugh. Here, I'll share with you one of my favorite jokes ever: "God created a man and said to him: 'Listen, I gave you two wonderful organs that will give you the ability to think and benefit the world with: a brain and a penis. But I have to admit there could be a design flaw. Very likely, there will not be enough blood flow to share between them at the same time.'" :)

Quick tip: A man may get angry at his wife for showing emotions that he himself is suppressing and is afraid to show. For example, if you start crying, it may evoke the same feeling inside, and the little voice in his head may say: “Men don’t cry.” So what you may get in return is an angry outburst that will attempt to suppress your cry. At the moment it is his inner insecurities that are doing the talking, not the man who loves you and claims himself as your life partner.

Techniques to Deal with an Angry Husband

  1. Don't put fuel into the fire. Anger has an important trait: it’s temporary. So let him be angry by himself and know that he will calm down eventually. If you put more fire into his fire, it may last for more hours or even days than it normally would have. Remember, his anger will pass but what you say to each other while arguing in the heat of the moment may leave scars forever.
  2. Wait until he's calmed down. Address his anger when he's more rational. Don’t be surprised that your husband is still angry, even when everything went according to his wish. Understand that the body is an energy system, and that it takes time for that energy to settle. Usually it takes at least 20 minutes for the adrenaline's effect to die down. When he's calm, address his irrational behavior and perhaps share one of the anger management techniques that "you learned for yourself" that will be helpful for him too.
  3. Set your boundaries. Set them and stick to them. The biggest mistake I see others make often is that they do not clearly define what they will be willing to tolerate. Setting boundaries and making them known to your husband is one of the most effective anger management techniques around the house.
  4. Pick your battles. The greatest generals know to only fight the battles they can win. They don’t waste their resources on the ones that they can’t. The less battles you fight, the more powerful the ones you decide to engage in will be. Not only they will pack a larger punch, but you will be more likely take your husband by surprise and win the ones that really matter to you. Of course, it's not about winning or losing. Rather, it's about being mindful of what issues are worth tackling vs. those that just need to blow over.
  5. Do not tolerate disrespect. This especially goes for a condescending and dismissive attitude. It’s not constructive for him, let alone for you. From a guy's perspective: a man will only mistreat a lady when no one challenges his behavior. If he knows he can get away with it, he'll say hurtful things to you to boost his ego over and over. It's a nasty business. This may sound a bit harsh, but as the old saying goes: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." So if your husband treats you like crap more than once, it's on you to put a stop to it. You can do this by letting it be known that you don't tolerate such disrespect from a man who made a vow to love you for the rest of his life. If you take the abuse over and over, you are allowing it and letting him believe it's okay. Don't tolerate this: set your boundaries.
  6. Apologize when needed. "I'm sorry." This one is such a common sense tactic that it’s ridiculous to even mention here. However it bears repeating: if you clearly played a role in escalating the conflict, then simply take responsibility for it and say "I'm sorry." Nothing melts an angry heart faster like a sincere apology. Make sure it's sincere, though and the apology is not followed by "BUT". For example, "I'm so sorry to make you upset, but you earned it by leaving the dishes." If you use "but" then you negate the apology.
  7. Diet matters. What is your hubby eating? Is it a lot of junk food? The importance of a good diet for good mental health cannot be stressed enough. The cliché "we are what we eat," really does ring true here. If he is consuming nutrient deficient junk food (fried, processed, trans fatty, sugary things), then no wonder his brain is on fire. A lousy diet and especially poor gut health can make any person insane.
  • For a quick fix: introduce a ton of raw, fresh foods to your meals, exchange red meats for fish and poultry, juice veggies and local fruits (the exotic ones are too sugary), get some super foods and blend them, drink them, also get some good supplements like vitamin B complex, good vitamin C, omega-3s, quality multivitamin, drink a ton of water and voila! Your guy's mood and irritability is bound to improve dramatically.

If nothing else works, then grab a dough roller and knock him out! I'm joking of course—this is clearly illegal and may land you in some anger management classes of your own. On the other hand, he may have an anger disorder or some other brain-related conditions that must be addressed by a professional. Perhaps you can convince him to seek some help from a mental health professional. Ask your doctor for more guidance on this.

General Advice on Dealing with Your Angry Husband

  • Don't get angry in response. It is not wise to get angry in response to your husband's anger. If you weather his verbal onslaught and remain relaxed and calm, he will likely be embarrassed about his behavior, reflect on it to correct it, and respect you even more. Think of a time when you yourself were insufferable, but in turn someone dealt with your emotionally charged state in a peaceful and professional way. Didn’t you secretly leave with a great amount of admiration for that individual when all the things were said and done?
  • Know when to walk away. You need to make difficult decisions if they are called for. If all else truly fails and your husband is just making your life too miserable, the bad outweighs the good, he's not the man you married, or you just aren't happy, then you have to make a difficult choice to make. Reassess the situation and think about whether you stay in the relationship (considering emotional attachment, kids, property, and so forth) or do you make a choice to let bygones be bygones and move on in search for a better quality of life (again considering all the important factors.) Remember, an abusive relationship does not serve anyone’s interests. When there’s a lot of anger in the house, everyone suffers: you, husband, kids, even the pets.
  • Reflection is key. Some Eastern philosophies have explored anger in depth and advise us to follow the way of developing awareness and avoiding automatic reactions to anger. Instead, they advise taking a better look at why that person is angry. Buddha’s words were: “By looking deeply you'll be able to identify the reasons that led to the person’s anger. If you see that you bear responsibility for angering the person, you'll accept that your own misconduct contributed to their anger and won't get angry in exchange. If you are without blame then you can try to see why that person has misinterpreted you. Then you can find a way to help him understand your true motives. By doing this you are going to stay clear of causing more suffering to oneself and the other person.”
  • Compassion is crucial. If you are a beacon of patience and compassion around the house, you can convince your husband to believe that only compassion towards each other will save and sustain the relationship. Compassion is the elixir of life that heals all wounds and lifts all spirits to new heights of human condition. Let's strive for it. Make the right decision in the end for yourself and your husband and always remember to love first.

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© 2012 Mateus Brava


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      Exhausted 45 hours ago

      Thank you for this write up and to all the other women who've shared the emotional turmoil. To know i am not alone. To be able to talk about it.. i got married late in life key factor was the my belief in marriage and no divorce. I'm in a relationship that is draining me mentally and taking away my self confidence. I am on constant alert not knowing when the next temper tantrum would be. Every action I do.. I tend to over think and do with caution. I feel as though I can't make any mistake. I'm alone in a country that's not my own and can't really speak to anyone.

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      Lynn Kreger 2 days ago

      I shutdown.

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      Laura 7 days ago

      I try to give him 20 mins, talk, and if all else fails make a joke that is his type of humor. I try to get him to smile. This one works for minor issues. If it's too much it will only annoy him more.

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      dufchick 2 weeks ago

      I had to look at the date of this article to make sure it was not written in 1950. Seriously? Directions for how to deal with an angry husband? This is the most self-serving advice I have ever seen. Go ahead and blame it on everything else but what it is; mental illness that causes your partner to abuse you verbally. I have been married for more than 30 years to an extremely angry man, he knows he is screwed up but when he is in a mad rant, he is unreachable. Yes all the posts from you lovely ladies ring true for me too but never, not once, have I ever felt it was my fault, it was his diet, its misdirected or any of the other dribble that the writer states. Normal people can disagree without one going off on an angry abuse tangent on the other, and not just once or twice but for years and years.

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      Hope 2 weeks ago

      Also there's a difference between a husband with anger problems and emotional abuse. Some of these comments appear to be the latter.

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      Sue 2 weeks ago

      I usually attend to all the temper tantrum, as I would call it, and move on as if nothing had happened. Because if he can act like nothing has happened then that applies to me too.

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      It doesn't matter 3 weeks ago

      My husband has become one of the worst people I have ever known. I'm miserable and I regret marrying him those 15 years ago. He screams at everyone including our kids over the littlest things. Didn't wash that plate well enough? Watch out because you're in for a 20 minute screaming session about how "stupid and retarded" you must be. This is the not the life I envisioned for myself and my kids. He wasn't always this way. I'm not sure what happened. I told him to go to a therapist or the kids and I are gone. He went and he's on an assortment of meds but they aren't helping and it's been a few years. I hate him. And I hate myself for being too afraid to leave. I wish he would just walk out the door and never come back. I miss being happy. I miss laughing. I hate that I shake constantly and rarely talk anymore for fear that I'll say something to set him off. This wasn't supposed to be my life.

    • profile image 3 weeks ago

      maybe it was our supper... hot dogs.. I boil them really good to get bad stuff out..and we have them about twice a year. Just was hankering for a hot dog in the summer.. Plus our AC is broke and it's hot.. I mentioned cleaning the deck from the leaves stain. I meant me...not him.. but right away he starts in w/ mean remarks and getting angry. slammed his fist in the sick.. He was shaving.. Always angry at me.. I also made mac salad w/ broccoli, celery, red pepper, carrots, eggs. So we have something healthy. oh and beans. He's tired and hot. He's a farmer and planted today. but I am always getting disrespected instead of saying.. yes, tomorrow we'll talk about it or something like that. He's so hateful..never says he's sorry.I'm 71, he's 78.

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      Gina 3 weeks ago

      Stephanie. Same. My husband will act like nothing even happened and I hate it.

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      Stephanie 3 weeks ago

      My husband is constantly blowing up and I can’t just let it roll off. If he gets upset with me I take it personal and it affects my whole day but literally 2 minutes later he is fine and trying to act like it never happened and I can’t which I’m turn upsets him more. I just don’t know what to do. I’m sick of it but I love him.

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      Christine 4 weeks ago

      I have been dealing with a man that has Borderline Personality Disorder. He turns things around and is very manipulative. Although after he’s been on antidepressants his brain has slowed down, it doesn’t fix his personality. Tonight I caught him flipping me off, of course he denied it and made up some excuse. But he didn’t know I was walking behind him when he did it. This all comes after I was trying to explain how shitty he had been treating me for days.

      I keep thinking if only everyone he works with and his friends knew exactly how he treats me and our kids. He is not the nice guy he portrays. The biggest mistake I made was marrying him in 2016. I’ve made some decisions finally! It’s just going to take a little bit more time. I’ve had enough of this abuse, physically, emotionally and mentally.

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      4 weeks ago

      thanks i will try to do it

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      Cheri 5 weeks ago

      I go through each of these steps til first listening than I’ll cry after a while of being screamed at Just to lose my temper and will yell about how mean he is to me. I’m always the one who loses the bedroom sleeping with a bad back any where else is difficult and everything I have is in there it stops me from leaving. I understand his anger I get angry too I just don’t know why everything I say to him causes so much anger so quickly and uncontrollable. He’s hurt me physically before also. I know I mess up and always give a lengthy this is why I’m sorry apology with a promise to work on it. I don’t want to hurt anyone especially him. I’m taking your advice and will just walk away if he decides to disrespect me again I’ve set up our spare room so I’ll have a place to go that will make it easier to leave the room. I always can tell there’s something bothering him I know if he just talked it out he wouldn’t be so bottled up but he always responds nothing is wrong later to have it come out side ways in anger. It’s difficult to hear what someone is saying to me when it’s being screamed at me filled by name calling. I know he feels bad but I know it’s killing my spirit to be called such awful things from someone I love. It’s too painful. I literally think about what is being said to me forever til I understand it and what it means. Is it something true do I need to change it? I’m willing to be patient I know change takes time I just worry I’ll get hurt again and If I’m wasting my time and heart trying. I have seen him take great strides here lately which shows me there’s hope but what if he hurts me again? I could barely walk after the last time and my back has been in worse shape since. Like I said I know I did things to escalate things so I see where I went wrong I just hope I make the change I need quickly. I’ve got better but still work to be done as I found out last night.

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      Cizzelle 6 weeks ago

      I came to this page in tears searching for a way to deal with this. I was in denial of his anger issues , should have seen from the way he speaks with his mom but I guess the way he was towards me made me ignore it. We are newly weds and now I feel like I have made the biggest mistake of my life. Your tips and the stories of others have helped me see the reality of my situation. I will by all means just stop talking when I see him getting angry. That seems to be the best option, last night he almost hit me and I was so scared and surprised at how far things went. I feel better now, knowing I can handle it better. Thank you

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      Jilly 6 weeks ago

      I'm 5 and a half months pregnant and have a nearly 4year old. My partner has severe anger management problems that most people cannot bare to be around him. He thinks that its OK for him to be the way he is because he has had a hard life, and last year his younger brother was stabbed multiple times and killed; the guys that killed him were arrested and at 1st charged but apparently was inefficient evidence so won't be brought to any real justice. Of course I understand his anger but he constantly says that no 1 understands.

      I literally have to open my mouth for him to be completely enraged and then he brakes and smashes things all the time, which I am sick of bloody replacing. He blows everything out of proportion and then all I ever do is cry I can't help it. I recently put him out after he smashed my TV for the second time and punched several dents in my cupboard in front of our son, who he is usually quite good at hiding this side from. But after a short stint at his mother's house, he was once again made homeless and somehow he ended up bringing he's stuff here for safe keeping which I don't mind but has keys and has basically just moved back in. He does try to help me by doing the things that he should like dropping our son to day care or cleaning the house, but it's not worth it for the way he reacts to me most of the time, he's so angry to trigger its like turning on a light switch. He does apologize to me after, and I know he actually doesn't mean it but he just won't admit that there is an underlying issue that he needs to deal with, also he isn't always like this, but it's just he goes into these crazy episodes, sometimes they last for weeks and other times months but this has been the longest he has had an episode for. He thinks it's just because he doesn't have money and once he sorts that out he will be fine, but he never will because he constantly has to blowing up over nothing a d going off track from everything. He didn't even attend our baby's scan which he promised because his mother upset him. Because he does not work he constantly borrowing money from me instead of contributing to the house hold, he does when he can but not much of a contribution if it's what you owe, so I'm way broke because I can't say no else it's an argument. He always say I will give it to you tomorrow or later and that time hardly ever comes.

      Its not just me even random people in the street will get it and it's so bloody embarrassing. I'm trying my best to be a good Christian woman and he doesn't even believe in God, sometimes I think we are too different, but I know he doesn't mean the stuff he does and he's family don't care enough to stick by him, even though his own mother said to me she thinks there something wrong. I don't want him to be alone and then be devastated when something awful happen to him, and I have to explain to our son. Like my friend her ex Partner has recently become brain stem dead and now she regrets terriblely not being there for him and all the time wasted. I don't want that to be me. My 1 real boundry is if he were to put his hands on me which he has yet to do, but sometimes I wish he would so I could finally get rid of him from my life. So as you can see I am totally conflicted.

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      Jilly 6 weeks ago

      I'm sick of my life

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      LE 7 weeks ago

      I have been emotionally abused for over ten years, staying in a marriage despite being called a shitty wife, and a c*** and being told no man will ever look at me, etc. all on a regular basis. My husband is a principal of an elementary school and is highly admired and praised. Know one knows his dirty secret of how he acts behind closed doors in his own house. My older kids have moved out and really don't like coming home to the tone of our house. My youngest has developed an anxiety based eating disorder. I thought staying in the marriage for the kids to have a family was the right thing to do, now I'm riddled with guilt that I should have left years ago and they would have had exposure to a different dad and a maybe a happier mom. He hates his job but really I am the thing he hates most in life. Please ladies, assess the situation and do what you have to for your kids. I made the mistake in thinking that growing up in a two parent household would be better for them and I was wrong. I have patiently been waiting for him to change for ten years! I thought that if I just act, look or say things differently he will wake up and start to respect me. Once the line of disrespect was crossed, he has never looked back and only ramped it up even more. Please save yourself and your precious children!

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      Demigod 7 weeks ago

      I like how the article said that anger is a habit, because that is what it is like for my husband. I think that he is waiting for someone to stop his outbursts so he can argue with them about why he is so right and we are so wrong. But the anger is not caused just by me or our 4 children, it could be a facebook post, some news article, a TV show, and/or some one from outside who did something stupid (by his standards). What is terrible is that when an outside factor makes him rage, we have to put up with it. I know that he is depressed, out of work, and our 3 daughters have had major medical issues that are completely out of our control, but he should not treat us this way. If I call attention to his unreasonableness he tells me that he is not shouting or he has not even begun to become unreasonable and then he becomes almost violent. He knows not to become violent with me because there will be consequences. When I used to argue back and "won" he would not talk to me for days. Which bothered me a lot, but then I learned to enjoy those days and now he follows me around our tiny apartment spewing hate, negativity, and his dogmatic views until I agree with him. It is very tiring. Our children are terrified of him and cannot stand him. And our son his slowly becoming like him. Our son even got suspended from school for acting like his father towards a teacher. And when I read the report of what was said, I laughed because it was verbatim of what my husband says to me all of the time. My husband told our son that he could not say these things to people and that He never says anything like that! I corrected him and that got him thinking and he has not been so abusive with his words. I am no longer a "lazy b-word", etc. Mind you I have 2 jobs to keep the family afloat. I know that bothers him, but it also bothered him when I was a stay-at-home mom. I cannot win. I have resigned myself to this fact and I will leave him soon. It is not fair to the children to have to deal with this or for me. Thank you for allowing to post this and for trying to help me deal with my husband's anger. I think that this marriage cannot be saved which is sad because that will be 20 years wasted for both of us.

      It was nice to read the other posts of the other people in the same or worse boats than me. It is nice and terrible to know that I am not the only one who suffers. I hope that all of the people who posted will have the strength to be happy (however that comes about). Good luck!

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      Kay 7 weeks ago

      My husbsnd is a chronic alcoholic. When he doesn’t have his drink quota, he is horrible to me. He tries to get me to react, so he can leave and go hang out with his buddies at the bar without feeling guilty. In his mind, it’s justifisvke anger. My birthday had been an example. Instead of spending time with me, he chose to go to the bar and stay there. I said nothing. That had been on Sunday; it’s Wednesfay, and he’s still treating me with disdain and disrespect. Yesterday he tried to pick a fight with me, so he could go to the bar again without any guilt. But for the Grace of God I have not lost my cool. Either he’ll figure it out, or he won’t. Either someone is important or not. I can’t chsnge him, only God can.

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      April 8 weeks ago

      My husband honestly can’t stand anything I do. He’s bipolar so I always end up feeling bad for wanting to leave him but I do. I make a good living and I’m not bound to him financially. I just care what happens to him. But we’re to point now where we can’t so much as go to the gas station without me saying or doing something wrong. It’s just been so many years I know it won’t change. I’ve asked him for a divorce a few times he doesn’t want one. I make good money and I’m not an addict. I’m not frigid I’m very physical and loyal. I am mouthy sometimes but he used to like that about me. Now I just feel like this guy wishes I was someone else. I dated a lot before I got married but I’ve not cheated on him. I used to try to do things to make him want me in the bedroom he would shove me away physically and verbally and so I stopped. He was cheating on me of course. I love our kids our dogs our house our cars and our life, he doesn’t. Seems like his problem and not mine. I know I could meet someone else if I wanted but I don’t even want to. Now that his affair is over we havvr this awesome sex life but the dude hate my guts. Everytime I talk he rolls his eyes like a teenage girl. I can’t force him to like me. It’s like he wants me to be his dog I give him all the love and affection and he acts like I should be grateful he’s here. He has no respect for me and I constantly make sure I’m not around him. How can guys handle living like this? It seems like we’d both be fine moving on does he still love me or is he just the laziest person in the actual world?

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      Georgette 2 months ago

      Broken broken broken. Please read my previous comment carefully. You are describing my first 5 to 10 years. Please be careful. Love yourself. Stay strong. Much love and hugs for you hon

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      Broken 2 months ago

      My husband loves me more than anyone could love me one minute and then the next minute, something has set him off and I am every nasty, filthy word known to man. It is rubbed it my face now I'm a stay-at-home mother, how I'm a leech and how worthless I am. And then, 5 minutes later, like nothing ever happened. I have been told I am the reason that my second daughter passed away. Granted, most of these things have been said in a drunken rage, but even stone sober he is hateful. Then he isn't. And makes me feel like I'm the luckiest woman alive. My life is a constant roller coaster. I can never get comfortable thinking I'm having a great day, because a pin could drop and that could change. My kids love their father, but my kids hate their father. Im broken, emotionally beaten and can't believe I am in this situation. But then he loves me and it all gets better. Until it isn't again.

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      Deni 2 months ago

      Let a rotten word not come out of your mouth, but only what is good for building up as the need may be, to impart what is beneficial to the hearers Ephesians 4:29

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      Any 2 months ago

      My husband is always angry....

      He blasts in slightest of thing....

      Yesterday again, called me low class ungrateful bastard and what not yesterday night....we had a girl come over to our house for playdate the same time....its so embarrassing....I wish I can hide my face somewhere...

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      Wife & Mother 2 months ago

      My husband gets angry on a daily basis, not just at me about anyone or anything. He is not physically violent with me or our son. He knows physical violence is where I draw the line. He is unhappy with himself, has not worked in 4 year. I know that lack of self accomplishment makes him feel worthless. I have tried to set him up in his own business (since he would not initiate it himself), but he is not taking the ball and running with it. Now, I have the responsibility of the new business too or losing a sizable investment. I have encouraged him in 1000 different ways, now I am finding that he does not believe in himself enough to trust he can be successful. He will not admit it, but he sees himself as a failure and constantly fishing for people to compliment him. When I compliment him, he takes on a God complex, thinks he is the world's authority on the subject, when he actually has just scratched the surface of the subject. We have a preteen son and I try to give him guidance to know to avoid these behaviors in his own life, to be respectful of others and work hard for his accomplishments. I am just getting to the point where I am realizing that loving my husband and being patient is not helping him to be better, it is just wearing me out. I was married before for 27 years, life was a blessing everyday, very rarely argued. After I was widowed, I remarried 6 years ago. There is more work in one week of this marriage than there was the entire 27 years of my previous marriage. I adopted my current husbands son when we married and I love my son, I do not want to walk out on him. I'm looking for options to try, so that we can all stay together. Just don't know how to help him realize that these constant emotional outburst and anger at everything is not normal or acceptable --that he needs some type of corrective help. He will not admit to any wrong doing and projects his wrong doings onto others. I am 58, and its has alway been said of me, "if you put me in a dark room and lock the door, I would find something to be happy about". For the first time in my life, I'm often unhappy, feeling trapped and oppressed.

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      Grem 2 months ago

      Stand my ground and tell him not to speak to me it 'that' way.

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      Me 2 months ago

      I too wish he would end his own life , 28 years of pure hell and I am done praying and pretending....

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      fat 2 months ago

      i don't understand my husband his always angry with me. his always finds faults with me.

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      Feeling stuck 2 months ago

      Wow I’m so glad I found this. After reading everyone’s comments I’m not feeling so alone. After putting up with this volcano for 32 years I just walk away and block out his s@@t. His anger is usually a pity party. And fueld with alcohol. What we do for a living is stressful and he does not have the coping mechanisms to deal. But it is what it is. The awful nasty verbally abusive things he has said to me don’t even hurt any more. The best part of my heart that used to love him deeply has hardened to his hateful words. And yet I do still love him. I did find a psychological thing call intermittent explosive disorder and my husband is a classic example. If I could just get him to go get help. There are times he is so miserable in his self pity that I wish he’d just end his own life. I just am tired and worn out by his rants. But thank all of you for telling your stories and thank you to the author for giving me some perspective.

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      Georgette 2 months ago

      I'm not allowed to respond to my husbands rants and accusations. and DEFINATELY can't defend myself. Things get 100 times worse if I do. The way he presents any situation is the ONLY way it could be. Never the truthful explanations that actually make sense. Those get thrown in the trash. I've been w him since I was14. We've been married 35 years and we are early 50s. I walk on egg shells, have the shakes like I have Parkinson's disease, haven't slept longer than four hours a night for the past ten years and constantly blink my eyes as if sending Morse code. Separation is not an option, we just adopted our 8 year old granddaughter. So at least another ten years for me of being demeaned, disrespected, verbally abused and yelled at all because maybe the sky was blue today. He's never and will never let me work so getting a life is not an option. I know there's no hope for me , but maybe someone will read this and recognize some of the warning signs that turned me into my situation and be able to stop it before it becomes an extremely shameful and embarrassing way of life. It's hard to like yourself when you allow the one you love to mistreat you. anything and everything that goes wrong for him he finds a way to turn into my fault. If he gets mad at someone and I try to support his view I get "shut up,quit talking bad about people, you're ABSOLUTELY a worse person than they ever thought of this is my life I stuck myself with and have no chance of changing it or getting out of it. I still have love to give, he hasn't turned it all to hate..but he's too full of meanness and hate to see it. One thing tho. Although he's the biggest jerk in the world he has NEVER even attempted to lay a hand on me. Believe it or not he doesn't believe in hitting a women. Go figure. It would probably hurt way less than his words. So it's til death do we part and trust me I pray nearly every night to just let me sleep right on thru eternity. That's the only way I'll ever be at peace again. Please ladies. I don't know what to tell you to do, but please DO SOMETHING so u don't find yourself a nobody with no job/career no self esteem and no options aside from a bunk bed in a room of 200 at a shelter ... PLEASE LOVE YOURSELF MORE THAN YOU LOVE THEM...YOU ARE WORTH IT

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      Lamb Pie 2 months ago

      Oh gosh, this is making me feel so much better. My spouse too suffering from anger issues and I never know what I said and do will make him explode. In fact he's actually having an anger spell right now. Cause? Basically I was waiting for him, then somehow the fact changed to he was waiting for me. I have literally waited for him for hours in the past with no complain. If I ever dare to make him to wait for me for even few minutes, I can expect him to explode. Every time he gets angry he would say, "I don't think we make a good team, this marriage will not last. its all your fault." Or something equally hurtful. Then he would demand immediate space for rest of the day or entire weekend. For the reference he's 32, 5 years older than me. I'm usually very calm, but the thought and the words of losing him really makes me panic. Dispite the demand of space, I would immediately apologize and tell him my motives, then offer to do anything to make it up to him. But nothing works. Time after time I finally learned to just give him the space he demanded. Then i would follow up later to see whether he feels better. I personally never ever want space if i even ever get angry at all, and i learned that space should ever given if everything fine,

      not when you are angry and stomp off on spouse. But i guess giving him space is the only way worked, perhaps everyone is different. Sometimes I seriously question his mental age and maturity level... this article answered all my questions.

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      Fed Up 2 months ago

      I just locked my unreasonable angry verbally abusive outside the house. He is frequently verbally abusive occasionally physically abusive and loves sulking and giving the silent treatment. I lost it and locked him out to cool off. I am in for it when I let him back in for sure. I'm just so tired of everyone believing he is a wonderful man as he is so lovely to everyone else and abusive out of their presence. Over it. I'm going through a tough time at the moment and he is not doing a dam thing to help me. He has his beer and bbq with sausages so he won't starve or go thirsty.

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      lili 3 months ago

      after 12 years of married. He gets mad for things that it does not make sense. I think this article is very good. thanks

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      Lisa 3 months ago

      My initial reaction is to call him out on his crap. Most of the time he will talk mean to or about our kids and I can’t make myself ignore that. Then I leave, I try to go somewhere with the kids to remove ourselves. Then when we get back he’s usually calm but I stay angry for a while. It is truly upsetting that he has changed so much in the past 10 years

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      maggie 3 months ago

      I cant say anything bad about him then it justifies him to shout over me and swear at me . Till I honestly can anymore then he will tell me how disrespectful I am. Ive been conflicting self harm and he saw them and how I am a selfish b****. I have tried everything shouting back, hitting him(bad idea), showering him with hugs(also bad idea), being calm, walking away ect... same outcome. Currently I had to get out so I told him I am going to my mothers just for a few hours. I was gone 6 hours and now I abandoned him. Every now and then I just cant and I loose it usually when he at last apologizes at long long last. I get so overwhelmed.

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      George 3 months ago

      This article is biased, I'm try to find help, my wife lost her only son two rears ago and she I always angry. All of our friends want nothing to do with us. She's been blackballed from all the hospitals in our region (she's a nurse) and she is always angry and very hurtful. It seems the woman I cherished and loved is gone forever.

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      freya56 3 months ago

      tadasland: My husband felt we kept him in a position of slavery for 24 years after he came home from the navy when all we tried to do was get him to take options he could use instead of getting in every ones face about his earned seniority rights. just give up those rights and give traditions a break in the area, after a judge kept him under court order for the first 25 years he was home. Myhusband got his own team together and their first act was to discredit and get the judge put in a federal prison when he needed help with substance abuse.

      Their next act was to start getting rid of the privelidg of people in positions of influence.Over a job bid I had tried to offer everything he had demanded including a sex life and family as part of a compromise to get him to pull his bid. When I said they might even want to hurt him. The next morning i saw my husband have fun using combat skills nobody knew how extensive his training was to leave those four men in critical condition, when he could have taken a different bid in two more weeks and avoided the trouble all together.

      He wanted to demonstrate to everyone he was no longer going to willingly take a back seat. Until 2009 people were just so angry sat him they forced him at gunpoint to do what he did not want to do. In 2008 he started taking direct action against that since causing damage in ambush was not stopping the intimidation. Thanks giving his father cried on my shoulder outside an OR where a friend was taken with his face caved in by the butt of his own weapon that my husbands reaction time when he acted left his father and two others under a loaded twelve guage. the man my husband took it from was laying at his feet.

      one month later he forced two men holding unloaded pistols on him out of the back of his fathers car at 45 MPH. He also threw another man through the windshield and when his father was found knocked out behind the wheel nmy husband had already walked back to our house pulled his pants down and told us before he went to work willing ly another down week we could all kiss his a**. It tokok therm almost eight hours to catch him crossing the ohio outside Madison Indiana and he did not get back in time except to punch in and punch back out. The rest of the week he sat down and did not do any ting except read and watch dvds daring the company and union to do some thing about his defiance. They did! They issued disciplinary layoffs to the person that was suposed to work and two other lesser seniority got the same so the company lost nothing in paying my husband double. What he would have received for the holiday.

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      Mateus Brava 3 months ago from Portland, OR

      Ladies, thank you all for your sincere comments and sharing your insights. What's helped me immensely over the years is to know that people act they way they feel. If they feel poorly they made mistakes. That softens the heart and helps one cope. Sending you all much patience, strength and wisdom to deal with the challenges you currently face.

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      Paula 3 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      I love that you wrote this from your own male perspective. You're absolutely correct! Yrs ago (when I was actually IN relationships) I quickly realized that it made no sense to share my issues with my female friends. After all, each of them had their own problems to struggle through.

      I wanted advice from men, you know, from the horses mouth, so to speak. This procedure didn't always work, but I learned a whole lot.

      Your article is well-presented and gives some fabulous advice. As a side note, I'd just like to say that I believe 2 people in a relationship, should make it a point to LEARN how & when to choose their battles and then fight FAIR!. Peace, Paula

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      Christin Sander 3 months ago from Midwest

      I grew up with an emotional abuser - I turned and walked out the damn door and never looked back and then found a partner who I respect, adore and who respects and adores me back. There is NO excuse for verbal and emotional abuse and I will not tiptoe or shrink back around an abuser like my mother did. I believe we should treat others as we wish to be treated - and if that is not reciprocated - GET OUT before it destroys you or more importantly the young people you bring into this world. It was refreshing to enter into a marriage where we can disagree but we never fight or sabotage each other and we compromise. If the world had more of that it would be a much better place. You can't love someone into not abusing you.

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      Heather 3 months ago

      Basically take care of him like a child rather than being with an adult for days or years to come.

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      MERA 3 months ago

      I clearly express my displeasure by explaining why I felt the outburst was unpleasant, and quietly go about my work. This is after he has gotten angry about something that is not justified because he got angry before understanding the situation.

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      Ashutosh 3 months ago

      It's really helpful!

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      4 months ago

      It just seems like whenever I get mad or upset or annoyed by something he always has to be even more mad. If I am upset at him for doing something or not doing something even so smallest stupidest things and I express a little bit of my emotions like if I'm annoyed he has to be the one that is louder and angrier and violent even not towards me physically but punching holes in walls and throwing everything around and breaking s*** I can't ever just be upset about something without him without him making it about himself or whatever.

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      Freya56 4 months ago

      My husband stays angry for Sex denial while he was being denied a divorce over the issue, for being made to work without a day off for 24 years because we could never get him to take the time frames we chose for him for vacations and Holidays as well as weekends off. because the first 15 years home from the navy we had a court order to Make him go to the court and the court would decide the times he could have off.

      IN 2000 we had to have him jailed and forced to work the millinialls after he turned the holiday canvas down To go to Bavaria with me. i was invited he was not. We Came Back to the judge being forced out of the court, the County with a 150 million dollar lawsuit hanging over their head filed by my husband through the ACLU aqnd A Total insult to me, his family and the community calling us KKK tyranrts keeping him in slavery, It Was The Most horrible return from a nice vacation and holiday that could be Immagined until 2009 when My send off was a dislocated shoulder for the return of his orient express funds after his father and i canceled him out without his permission, he also was going to murder his father over not getting the vacations he wanted. It took Seven men from his brother, bro0ther in law and his union steward and minister along with 3 TSA officers to pry his fingers off his fathers throat all because he was not going to wait for his vacation until January as we wanted

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      HaidzDhee 4 months ago from Philippines

      It is very stressful to have this kind of relationship, but in the end you'll the one who can help yourself and to your husband. It is part of the vows in front of the altar that ",for better or for worse, til death do us part"

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      Shabina 4 months ago

      My husband and i do not live together as he works far ...the only way we communicate is through calls and txts.he often gets angry on me as we r far and leaves me for days without communicating and contacts only when he finds it suitable.this hurts my dignity what should i do

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      4 months ago

      My husband is very verbally abusive to me. No one knows except his family, a married couple that are our friends and my stepmom(to an extent). I’m not the smartest, I make mistakes but I never intentionally set out to make him upset. I apologize too much and he can’t stand that-he says my apologies and tears mean nothing to him. He’s not been physically abusive yet but I think if conditions were just right he would. I know it’s weong of me to keep a record of what he’s said to me over the years but I keep an ongoing list of some of the stuff I remember him saying to me. It’s ugly. And I’d never EVER say anything like it to him-wouldn’t end well. I remember 6 years ago,2012, laying in bed nursing our son and my husband told me that I looked like a sow. Yes, I’m overweight but that’s been engrained in my memory forever. He’s not the example of “fit” either. Moving on. This past summer, 2017, he got so angry at me for not getting certain hard to find ingredients to some herbal inhalation recipe for his hurt sinuses, that he wanted to “gut me with a baseball bat”. That was scary. Just a week ago he said during a particular conversation about buying a home, that if I “didn’t stop apologizing or saying right, he would ram his hand through me head”. Good times. I’ve been called every name in the book. I’ve been yelled at, told “fuck you”, what do I need you for, Fat ass, lazy, bitch, etc. I wouldn’t say these things to him. Tonight I did lose my temper. I needed to fold some towels and he wouldn’t let me use our bed and all the couch cushions were removed to make a fort for our 5 year old. I wasn’t feeling well and I just wanted to get them folded and put away. So, quietly I muttered to him “fuck you” and walked out of the room. Still holding onto the pile of towels, he came in the living room, stood about a foot away, and said I “better fucking watch it with my attitude or I’d sleep on the front porch or his parents house. He then grabbed my shoulders, spun me around, and pushed the back of my head outside and locked the front door behind me. I stood outside a good 10 minutes waiting and finally was let back in. He said “do you have anything to say?”. I apologized. I said I was sorry. I knew I shouldn’t have said that. And he said “thank you” in a condescending tone. Although, he says “fuck you” al the time. I would never dream of pushing him out our front door and locking him out. He’d kill me.

      I don’t understand what’s happened since we got married in 2006. I don’t think I’m a bad, evil wife. I don’t intentionally set out to make him upset.

      He’s a mystery that’s for sure. A few years ago, we had a conversation and he told me”I just want you to say “Yes” to anything I say from now on.” So I try not to argue and when we have a conversation I try to be agreeable and so it’s usually one-sided. Our communication is horrible because I’m afraid of saying anything to make him upset.

      The good days are good and the bad days are awful.

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      virginiawolfe 4 months ago

      lets see, this episode in the year 38 of "togetherness"...brought home some groceries. He says.I forgot to tell you we need decaf coffee, the ones you bought are not decaf I used the last one. the ones you bought are not decaf" so I went over to the coffee packages to look, since they were different colors, and he basically got into a rant that I didnt believe him and had to look myself, and because I didnt believe him I disrepected him. and it escalated from there. When young, these outbursts scared me, now I just said "NO, we are not doing this, YOU are not going off on me about coffee" and he proceeded of course to say it was because I didnt respect or believe him. I proceeded to say "STOP IT" on numerous yelling back and he went on to say "YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO" so at that point I just turned my back and told him what ever..go away, take your anger with you....and that pretty much sums up what it is like to live with this volcano. This was mild, when younger, he used to get physical. Of course I think he realizes now, (its been 20 years since he last pushed me) that he fears doing it and wont do it any longer. So Yes, he exhibited his routine today. Its storming outside so I can't leave and go to my other home up north, believe you me, I would love to get out of here, he makes me ill seeing his temper now. In fact, its very sad. He has no idea that his temper is the control. And I no longer respond like the scared woman I used to. His family praises me because they know he has problems. He has no friends. etc. Yes I know . So there you go.

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      JP 5 months ago

      OMG, I can't believe so many other women are going through the same as I am. Mr Grumpy is a drinker and I'm sure he must wake up hung over every morning. He wakes up sullen and unable to be nice. I ignore his behaviour as best I can. Put on a smile and continue my day. He gets annoyed that I spend time at breakfast catching up on posts like this and games I play on the computer. To me it is helpful, to him I'm wasting time. I should be doing something physical or worthwhile. Anyway that's my life too. Thanks for listening.

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      Cris 5 months ago

      An argument is when two people argue over something and they both are to blame.

      Abuse, however is always with one being a criminal and one the victim.

      Your article applies to situations where the husband has a short fuse or is temporarily having a tough time. This does not apply to clinically ill or people with personality disorders. Yes, you could do all of the above also in these situations, but one thing is missing:

      1. If the victims safety is in danger, he/she must leave (this does not mean a divorce-it can be a separation until they get help

      2. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP FOR BOTH THE VICTIM AND THE ABUSER (if your doing all of the above and not getting help for you and the abuser, then you are enabling it to go on. think about it this way_ you would not pat a drugaddict on the back and say- oh poor you, I am sorry for making you do drugs and then just giving him/ her a chance to take another dose)

      3. Leave the relationship for good if the treatment does not work (this again does not have to mean you do not interact at all. You can still be a help. But TO PRESERVE YOUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH; GET OUT)

      Also! An abuse always has an impact on the victim, and the kids, who are watching. It has lifelong impacts. However many joga poses you do between the outbursts!

      read articles here:

      I am a child who was abused by her mother, left by her father, abused in school, abused by 2 previous boyfriends and currently in a relationship with an aggressive/passive-aggressive husband. And GOD JUST OPENED MY EYES: I HAVE BEEN ENABLING IT BY TAKING PART OF THE BLAME AND DEALING WRONGLY BY NOT GETTING PROFESSIONAL HELP! MY KIDS ARE STILL LITLLE: THE COSTS ARE STILL LOW.

      NB! A person who allows abuse is usually from a dysfunctional childhood. AS am I. Its a textbook case. I have a low self worth so I have allowed this. But GOD...But God!!!

      And this does not mean divorce for me. But this means temporary distance from spouse and professional help.

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      Media girl 5 months ago

      It’s a tricky one I already understood my husbands anger which Is worse for me because I always try to see the other view. What upsets me most is that it is a cycle and all due to a lack of control and frustration at times. I’m not a shouter and I don’t get angry back. I find it best to keep quite let him finish and then the obligatory apology comes and a reason why, which means nothing to me anymore. He’s a wonderful dad and a lovely person but flits from hot to cold and angry to really happy. It’s the not knowing I hate and it’s such an unattractive quality which over time has really dented my opinion of him when Im just meant to cope with everything. I don’t know what the future holds I just know I won’t enter older age like this as I just want peace and happiness and he simply can’t recognise his own his own anger issues. I don’t know where his feeling of inadequacy comes from as we have a good life and lovely parents and great kids but there’s only so much anyone can take. For now I’ll stand by him and forge forward as the good still outways the bad. I think I’ve actually been too nice too tolerating and too understanding for too long, but I know I can’t change him, he refuses to believe anything is wrong so time will tell. But I know one thing I don’t want to live with an angry sad annoyed man the rest of my life.

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      Amanda R78 5 months ago

      I love my husband but enough is enough i don't want to leave him but if he can't stop being so hateful to me and the kids i have no choice his anger is got to go but what cabi

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      Wayne 5 months ago

      True Blue, My 3 children are grown and were born over a period of the first 8 years. About helping around the house, we have a farm and after I get home from work, I usually hop on a tractor, feed the animals, cut wood, and mechanic on something that needs fixing like the plumbing, the car, the well or, like today, both tractors. When the children were young, I built our house, framed it, decked it, roofed, wired and insulated it. I did everything but install the plumbing the carpet and the HVAC. So the sitting around playing video games stuff won't apply here. Is this a Christian site?You mentioned "Christ like" so here goes.

      Ephesians 5:22-33 tells husbands to love their wives. So does Colossians 3:18-21 But let;s back up and look again: Both of these passages begin by commanding the wives to submit to their husbands. One even tells them to "reverence" their husbands. The best thing you can do for your children is to let them see you "reverencing" Dad because by doing so you are teaching them to do the same. This is very important advice for their future. Not only that, but as an added bonus, by experiencing the honor, respect and "reverence" that Dad so desperately needs from his Wife and Children, it can alleviate some of Dad's stress, put him in a much sweeter mood and make for a much happier, healthier home environment.

      Oh yes, and as the OP already has mentioned, watch what you say. Because complaining and shaming Dad in front of others, especially the kids just exacerbates things greatly. What does the Bible say "a soft answer turneth away wrath"?

      There's another Bible passage which mentions wives having a Godly submissive attitude in order that they might "win" an "unbelieving" husband and I'm sure that behavior would work on a Christian one too. And about the "defrauding", yes, the Bible does say that. Did your husband "cheat" on you? (don't answer that). If not, according to the Bible BOTH spouses are commanded to attend to the sexual needs of the other, no excuses(except for "prayer and fasting) You know the scripture right? Defrauding is the same as cheating and it's not a good thing to do. Honestly, It affects the whole family when you do it.

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      true blue 5 months ago

      Dear Wayne - are you an angry man yourself, feeling defrauded in the bedroom? Jealous of your children, maybe?

      My only-child husband never had violent angry outbursts till the children came, after 3 yrs marriage. 3 children in 2 1/2 years is stressful on a woman, especially when DH rarely helps with them yet expects the same amount of attention to be showered on him as before the children arrived. Will I put helpless human beings that I helped create and bring into this world before my husband? You bet. And if he was Christ-like, putting others ahead of himself, instead of being selfish, he would not only understand, but at the very least give his wife the physical & emotional support she desperately needs.

      Instead, the selfish man becomes jealous of those children, and blames them and the wife for his own angry outbursts. For many years I believed him when he said it was MY fault he got angry, because I didn't do X, Y. or Z. After improving X, Y. & Z along with A, B, & C, I finally woke up and realized HIS TEMPER TANTRUMS AREN'T MY FAULT!!!

      Of course, it took his angry smashing outbursts to escalate into angry animal abuse & child abuse outbursts for me to realize that. (he never physically assaulted me, and stopped when the boys got as big as him - the smashing outbursts continue).

      Over 30 years I've tried it all - hugs & kisses, extra bedroom time, saying sorry (which he NEVER does). Nothing works. He will not change unless he wants to and he doesn't want to ... because he's not to blame for any of it.

      As for "defrauding" in the bedroom ... when living with an angry man who simmers all day and could blow at any moment, causing a wife to walk on eggshells all day, giving her husband bedroom time in the evening makes a wife feel like a whore. Who's defrauding who?

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      Shweta 5 months ago

      Thank you for writing this article. Once I can clearly see and accept the reality that i can not change others, then the wisdom shared in this article empowers me to alter my responses to deal with my life situation with minimum hurt. That's the best I can do for myself since I have chosen to continue the relationship for other reasons. Thanks again.

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      Wayne 5 months ago

      I checked the poll above: Only 2% "showered with hugs and kindness". In most cases, there is your problem. Some of you put the kids before your husband. Most,( I did not say all) except perhaps the 2% group, defraud him regularly in the bedroom using one excuse or another. "Defraud", yeah, you know, cheat. If your husband needs to grow up, that's a problem that needs fixing. You alone have the unique power to help him get "fixed". You can't control how he acts, but you can control how you do. Consistently submitting(there's a dirty word) and "showering with hugs and kindness" certainly can't hurt.

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      Darla 6 months ago

      I agree with some comments here, it should not be the wife's burden to diffuse the time bomb over and over. Eventually it will end up destroying her as well.

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      zee 6 months ago


      Please tell me that you are not seriously asking women to retrain their husbands. I think someone must have either hurt you, or, you yourself are an angry man and don't want to grow up and take responsibility for your own emotional conduct.

      Do I think I am responsible for myself, and doing what I can to not escalate an angry situation? YES! Do I think my husband needs to learn to control his anger so that he does not physically and psychologically harm me? YES....and that is on him, not me. Do you realize that you pretty much just put the responsibility for a man's self control on women with your misguided advise?

      Some of us live in constant fear of that next time our spouse gets angry because of a disagreement, or that he spilled coffee on himself, or of something gone wrong at work. How about telling men how wrong it is to use their out of control anger against their spouse? I'm sorry, but you are simply acting as an apologist for angry men.

      Tell you what, then next time my husband goes off, how about I send him to your home and you can reflect on what it is you have done wrong to get accidentally hurt because you were in the way of something he was throwing, kicking, punching......

      ...And ladies...please don't swallow this line of bs he's putting out there. Decide if you want to try and save your marriage, then get help....a therapist, pastor, priest, friends, family, (your best bet is a combination of several resources), and then devise a workable plan. Make sure your husband understands that in order to heal your marriage, he needs to see a counselor /therapist for himself, going for that help, and sticking with it.

      And tadasland...try to a man, if your spouse is causing you so much frustration that you're resorting to anger, YOU always have the option to leave as opposed to hitting, threatening, yelling and the likes. That is part of being a responsible adult male also.

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      Mateus Brava 6 months ago from Portland, OR

      @renee: it's not always about winning or losing, fighting back or being the punching bag. This article is about emotional intelligence and coping mechanisms. Go ahead and stand up for yourself by all means! If this changes things for good then you did it! But if fighting doesn't work then this advice is if you want to take the high road and be the adult in the house.

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      renee 6 months ago

      Why does the responsibility of calming him down fall on the wife, or why does the wife have to walk away or diffuse the situation with humor. Believe me they don't respect you any more by doing that. Some times you have to confront the behaviors until they get it. If not time to go - women have been a punching bag and door mats far too long.

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      Mrs H 6 months ago

      I'm here reading everybody's comments... I have to say this is a big world I knew nothing about. I've been with my husband for five months, and even when I already knew and saw this side of him, I didn't realize how far it could go. I mean, phisically there has never been any kind of abuse or else, but I can't say the same about psychological effects. I've been trying to deny this to myself for the past months, my husband is an angry person but this anger management is something new for me and also hard to understand. This is the first time I look up for stuff like this as I'm realizing this is an issue and today I just took it all. It's hard to be comprehensive about him getting all burned out for every little thing, to scream at me even when I have told him I won't tolerate any yelling as I'm not one to do the yelling. I just can't stand the yelling at me for every little thing, even when I'm not even involved in whatever he's doing wrong. I guess is a long path to discover and I really hope things get better because I know how much we love each other and all the great things we have done and achieves together. I'm such a positive person that negativity really turns me down. Hope it all gets better.

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      Jane 6 months ago

      Why is it, that the women are always suppose to submit, understand, do the calming, be the tolerate one. The issues are the mans issues, and should not be the wife's burden to carry. I have lived like this with my husband for years. I have begged him to take an Anger Management Class, or Dealing with Stress class. He refuses, says theirs nothing wrong with his actions. He gets angry, breaks up all my things (never his) or anything I buy for him to show me he values nothing I give him. I created a beautiful home...just to have him break it to pieces when he has his childish temper tantrum's. Many times I have come back to the house to find everything shattered. Who's fault are these rages, his or mine? Who should seek the help, him or me? Why is it our responsibility to defuse them, and put ourselves in jeopardy to their storm. Make some good suggestions here for women, instead of these self centered bottle feeding husband remedies.

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      Desertbee 6 months ago

      I will read this again and again and again, to remind myself about things I cannot change and to never attempt raising the rolling pin..

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      wholelottanope 7 months ago

      I've been with my husband for nine years. He gets stressed out about literally everything and it has gotten worse and worse. He's pretty nice when he's not freaking out about something, but I think one of the biggest issues is that he's depressed and angry with life. Unfortunately it's his own problem. He works dead end jobs until they're no longer tolerable, but he doesn't want to put the effort into anything else. All he does when I say anything about it is deflect. He'll even bring it up and then deflect after I respond to his inquiry as to what might be a good option. We are rarely intimate. I'm busy and he works a different schedule, but even if he didn't, I have a hard time focusing on said activities. To be honest, I really don't even want it most of the time. I'm becoming very emotionally detached. Right now it's easy to mask because I'm so busy with other things, like trying to finish college and survive. I think he thinks he's just gonna wait for me to improve our financial status, and he often expresses impatience with how long it's taking. I never really say what I'm thinking when he says that (like how about you get that degree and I'll just chill with some $10 an hour job while you take the reigns, since I'm not doing it fast enough?). I mean this would be easy to ignore if he wasn't pissed off/depressed/irritated every other day. It's getting to the point where I can't wait for him to just go to work, even though I'm only home for about 20 minutes before he walks out the door. He's even like that when he calls on break. He doesn't want to do anything, but he's always bored. He's unhappy with his physical condition, but won't exercise. He hates his job, he doesn't know what he wants to do, and any time he has a moment of lucidity and thinks he wants to pursue something, he talks himself out of it within five minutes. He doesn't want to go to counseling because he says nothing will help. When he comes to me to talk or tries to vent, he gets angry with all of my responses. I literally have to figure out all of the possible ways something can be interpreted before I say it so as not to make him angry, and he still seems to find a way to take it wrongly. Or I'm being too much of an optimist and not realistic or something ridiculous like that. If I don't say anything, then I'm not paying attention to him or being insensitive or obviously upset with him for some reason (really I just usually give up after a while because everything I say makes it worse). If I try to diffuse the situation with humor I'm being immature, annoying or uncaring. I'm getting to the point where I don't care anymore. I'm not his mom. I don't want to be his mom. I'm also not his child and I'm not going to be talked to like I'm a second class citizen. I'm sick of him getting pissed off at me every time I ask him to make an actual decision about anything. I've gotten to the point where every time he does this, I call him out on it, and he just gets more irritated and/or tries to play the victim. He's been a jerk all day today. Finally things came to a head over dinner. All I did was ask him what he wanted. I was concerned and knew he was tired and was trying to make him happy. Nope. He got pissed off at me for being indecisive and self-concerned. I wasn't even planning on eating because I'd already eaten earlier. I was just like "I'm done. You figure it out... I've got things to do" and I found something else to do. So he comes in tries to act like I was the one who started it, but I basically just told him that he's been an ass all day and I'm not going to continue being on the receiving end of it. So he admits it and then somehow makes it sound like I'm being insensitive. Dude, no. I'm not playing mind games. I'm sick of trying to make him happy and getting jumped on all the time. I'm about ready to send him back to his parents so I can actually live. I don't have a compulsive need to be in a relationship... particularly if he's going to be like that. It would be one thing if he would actually do something to improve his conditions, but he won't. I try all the time to get him to do things with me, and offer to do things he wants to do, or help him get going on something. All he does is say that he doesn't want to do anything and has no dreams. How do you help someone like that when they refuse to be helped and them blame you for trying to help? He literally gets angry and depressed every time... no matter how positive and upbeat or rational I am about it.

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      Cej39 7 months ago

      My husband and I have been together for 6 years. Our communication is terrible. We'll explain something the same way in different words and next thing you know, we're fighting. Since we got together, he anyways says he regrets being with me. I may not be beautiful, but everyday i express my love for him. He's always too busy playing his computer games or playing on his phone. Im also dingy at times where the most obvious things aren't so obvious to me. He snaps at me for being stupid. I tried to quit smoking cigarrettes, caught pneumonia and was hospitalized. I left the hospital early bcuz we argued about him not wanting to be with me anymore because im damaged goods. When he's sweet, hes the best husband i could ever ask for. My flaw is trying to control situations and expecting too much from him like do chores sometimes. He has washed maybe 10 dishes in the 6 years we've been together. I don't know what to do anymore. I was told when i was a teenager i couldn't have kids, im in my 30s and have gotten pregnant twice. Sadly they werent successful pregnancies but the opportunity itself made me love him even more because for brief moments, i was able to say ive been pregnant. I just want him to appreciate me more and not always snap at me for nothing.

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      ronnie 7 months ago

      Have been married for years to a Difficult Man.He can be Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde. He was very spoiled by his Mother and could do no wrong, served constantly and placated, which I did not see. He had an Controlling Dad who his Mom spoiled also, This was his model. Let the man have his fits, pet him, feed him, ignore his anger, go shopping, and do what you want. This was not my model. My parents were far more open, both worked, shared responsibilities, discussed issues and made decisions together. It has been very hard to stand my ground while loving him, to create boundaries and tow the line while demanding respect in order to make it work. At the 10 yr point we had a long term separation. I told him it's not going to fly this way and left to be with parents. We reconciled when he demonstrated a willingness to change and respect me. When women have children and seek to give them a stable home, this can be a great challenge. It isn't now, that he is never pleasant, it is that he still can operate the "old way" ( Operating according to what he grew up with) when disappointed, affected by job or circumstance. That is when once again, I have to stand my ground and not tolerate his behavior, not reward it. When I was young I cried thinking it was isn't. I thought the tears would motivate him, they didn't. And by the way, it isn't you either ladies, for the most part. They are dealing with their own stuff their own baggage. I would encourage you to be strong, trust your instincts. It is nieve to think you marry a perfect Disney Prince. They aren't.Can my guy be great...yes...but he can be an Ogre as well. You are the best judge as to whether it is workable for you. I rely on my Lord, on my loved ones and friends who support me...I am far more emotionally "grown up" than I was when I married. If you are experiencing Absolutely not. What I have experienced may not work at all for you. Never stay in a dangerous situation and definitely not with children. If you have something that tells you your relationship has hope, that is for you to decide. Most women are givers and lovers...and can possibly love and give too much to their own hurt. Love and respect yourself enough to make the right decision for you. You are not a worm, God made you in his image. Hold fast to that.

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      Beezybee 7 months ago

      It's like I'm walking on eggshells with my husband. He gets annoyed at me easily. One time he asked me for directions while we're in the car --left or right-- and it took me a while to respond, he immediately yelled at me and blamed me. Another was when my dad changed my car tires instead of him doing it. My dad just did it coz he was doing his anyway (changing to winter tires). My husband got mad apparently. When he's angry, he doesn't talk to me for days; like I dont exist in our house. He does not help with chores unless it involves his things too. I tried to talk to him like a grown up but he ignores me too. It's hurtful to be on the receiving end of silent treatment. When I try to apologize, I usually get rejected (he doesnt respond and just walks away or pretend I'm not there). I sometimes imagine if my life would be better if he's not around or if I married someone else. I'm starting to regret my marriage. :(

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      DaisyMay 7 months ago

      IndiaMom, I relate. I could have written your comment, myself. Been living in the same dysfunctional hell for nearly 20 years. Sucks! It is called emotional immaturity. Caused from failure to mature during early childhood.

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      IndiaMom2Many 7 months ago

      I love my husband. When he's kind. But he's so often unkind and impatient. And he gets angry over the smallest most insignificant things and his anger will go on and on until he's done unleashing it with his words. He is not physically abusive ... I would leave him immediately if he was. But the emotional toll of being with a man I live in fear of is really hard. I don't believe in divorce and I know that a man needs to feel respected. There are many things about my husband that I do respect and I tell him and give him praise and recognition for those things. He is a hard worker and I am grateful for what he does for our family and I tell him that. But when he acts out in anger over stupid things and says hurtful things and I feel like I live each moment in fear of his next explosion, his behavior in those times makes me lose my respect for him. I've gotten to the point where I literally walk through this life looking for signs that he's about to go off again. And it's made me resent him so much. Why can't he just accept my love for him and the many ways I work hard to show him my love and be my best friend and lover and not be such an ass all the time?! If I even cry because of cruel things he says, then he gets mad all over again. So I go in the bedroom to hide and cry and that also makes him mad. I feel like nothing I do makes him happy, as if he is just determined to live his life as an angry and unhappy person and take his anger out on those who love him. Especially me. I can't even show my love for him without him finding something to get angry about. We've been married less than 2 years and his anger problem is really hurting our marriage.

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      Mona 7 months ago

      Husband is like that with most of wife in the world one or another way. Best thing find a job by study or by learning some skill better support yourself so you don't have to put and say husband goodbye . this for all the wife around the world.

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      Thope 7 months ago

      My husband of 10 years is almost impossible to live with. He is rude, grouchy and never laughs unless he’s on the phone. He’s rude and hateful a lot to my daughter. I’m so over this. I usually just go off and cry but I’m to the point I’m ready to just leave. He gets mad if things don’t go his way and expects people to jump as soon as he says to..

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      Anonymous 7 months ago

      Thank you so much. I have been reading and reading on what to do. Just because he has some flaws, and his anger is probably the biggest, I know there is good in him too. I want to help, and be there for him even through the very worse. He's my husband. I love him, and this thread explained him to the 'T'.

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      Jennifer 7 months ago

      I've been married to an angry man for 32 years, and I love him, most days;-) I should say he is not and has never been physically abusive. And I am not dependent on him financially or for survival. He also acknowledges his problem with anger and is working on changing, especially in recent years. Those factors matter in what I'm about to say.

      I am not an angry person by temperament. I am in a health care profession, and I absolutely do understand the humanity, the dynamics and the biochemistry of anger. I feel for my husband, who is often my best friend in spite of his anger. I see that he is in pain. I know that he tries to deal with it. I've known him since we were teenagers, long enough to understand some of his history that feeds into it, as well.

      But what a program you've set out for an angry man's partner! As do most articles on this subject. I'm aware that I am in a sense picking on you, tadasland, but most other articles and advice are the same. From 32 years of experience I know your program might take every last shred of my energy. And my own hopes, dreams and goals--my own humanity--could die trying to accomplish it all. In my experience, angry men tend to choose women who are susceptible to their anger. What does it take for a woman who is afraid of anger (often for her own very good reasons) to "weather his verbal onslaught and remain relaxed and calm"? Yes, we can learn to do that, a skill hard-won, possibly over many years and at the expense of learning other, happier skills. We are human beings, too, wired to respond to threat. The threat the angry man is presenting with his verbal onslaught. Not to mention the implicit threat of escalation that the woman is always trying to stave off. The fact I was willing to try so hard all the time to be "reasonable" and to do all those things you've listed was part of the problem, not the solution.

      Ladies, as you all know there's no easy answer, but the nugget of my 32 years of experience is that the most important thing you can do is to set YOUR boundaries with a free heart. I have only figured this out in the past five years, by working on my own emotional stuff. If there's introspection to be done, let it be on what YOU want and will tolerate and on how you want your day, week and marriage to go. Without getting drawn into the anger cauldron at all. If there is one thing I would go back and say to my 26-year-old self, that would be it. I would say "Self, you are entitled to have your minute-to-minute life be as calm, loving and stress-free as possible." What YOU want matters. When he is angry, do a quick self-check. Is this issue something you care about at all? Recognize that when you come down in the morning, and you are feeling good and looking forward to the day, and he starts in on some way he is dissatisfied with you, it is NOT your problem. There will always be some way he is dissatisfied with you, or with your kids, or with your life together: that's the game. Say to him that you recognize it is not your problem, and it is not something you even care to discuss, and back away. Listen to yourself first. Listen to your stomach. If it is clenching and you are starting to feel nauseated, refuse to engage. If you do the same old dance, he will feel better in the short term--this is a biochemical thing--but you will feel worse. Do less, instead of more. Find strategies to remove yourself when he escalates. For example: I've left him in the car (the passenger seat is a danger zone) and found my own way home from a long distance more than once. It was incredibly freeing, and he is now much less likely to escalate when I am pinned in the passenger seat like a bug on a specimen board. And now before I get in the car with him, I will say, "I can tell you are angry about such and so. Can you let it go? Because if not, I'm not interested in going anywhere in the car with you."

      We have two sons, grown now, who I think as adults are confused about anger, both angry themselves and with guts full of their dad's anger, despite all the things on your list I tried to do, all the ways I tried to protect them from it and make it up to them. In such a way, the anger problem is passed down through generations. I wish I understood when they were toddlers that for ME to try harder and harder wasn't the answer. I agree with jyoti below, that whatever one tries might be a failure until he is willing to acknowledge it. Don't expect him to change. Get some help for yourself, freely set your boundaries, enjoy your life-- the more you do it the more you will feel comfortable doing it. In the big picture, work toward whatever you need to do to be happy, calm and independent, and go from there. Your life should feel reasonably good to you from the inside almost all the time. It's possible for for life to feel good to you from the inside, no matter what he does.

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      jyoti 8 months ago

      actually I have seen this post very late, but the things are same, as everyone is complaining. I am suffering this hell since 25 years. but let me tell you something in these long years, I learned with my experience that, what we are suffering through is not normal. so whatever one tries is a failure. This is a psychiatric disorder, for this he will never acknowledge. You yourself has to understand, and seek treatment somehow, without his knowledge. it will definitely help you, the way it helped me. And somehow I am managing.

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      Miche Wro 8 months ago

      After three children, 21 years of being together and 16 years of marriage.. I divorced him.

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      Aaron 8 months ago

      very interesting post. It help me a lot !!! Thanks a lot.

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      Candle 8 months ago

      It's my 12th year of marriage n mother of 2 boys. My situation is exactly same described by poppins-pink. I'm also fed up with it.

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      Poppins-pink 8 months ago


      I am very pleased to have read this article and I also read few comments. I really like how girls are so willing to tolerate and up their endurance level.

      I come from a culture where once you get married, you have no choice but to accept your spouse with all of their traits. Mine came with a whole lot of anger.

      I am 2 and a half months in marriage and have a lovely 7 months old. My husband and his anger problems are making my life a living hell. I am literally shut around him, because I don't know what will make him angry.

      He is always ready to blast his anger on me, criticise me and even abuse me sometimes. I was really scared of him at first, but after my daughter was born, I got a lot of strength, I started to reply back(doing more harm than good) and also started having temper issues myself.

      He has confronted me and told me thatcher is not attracted to me anymore, neither is he interesting in talking to me. He really loses his temper on me in front of his family members, calls me names, and really says hurtful things about my family. I really have started hating him myself.

      He is apparently unaffected, because if I don't apologise, he can go for days without talking to me. No matter who is at fault, I have to apologise every single time. I am so fed up of this.

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      Meme 8 months ago

      Why do woman have to put up with jerks in the first place? If he is mean, find a nicer guy!

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      Ladyhulk 9 months ago

      I keep myself calm and silent, listen to what he says not necessarily accepting each and every word, but off late I have realised that it's triggering him more and he want me to accepts whatever he asks me to do. I'm in a fix, situations are getting tougher.

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      Mateus Brava 9 months ago from Portland, OR

      @Heather: I got your message in another unposted comment but there is no way to change that. I can only delete. Let me know.

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      Heather 9 months ago

      I really appreciate this article. Thank you so much for writing it! It's very helpful. I am a Christian and I believe in keeping the covenant my husband and I made before God. My husband has been diagnosed with PTSD in the past and he is very irritable and easily offended. He doesn't like being angry and makes obvious efforts to change his behavior including counseling and staying accountable to our small group leader at church. However, when he gets very angry, he says a lot of hurtful things and is very sarcastic and antagonizing. He is a huge bully when he is in his heightened state. I have not yet mastered the practice of being able to not take things personal, but am determined to because when I can and am more level headed and calm, things don't get as far out of control. When I don't use self control myself and cry uncontrollably or get defensive and lose my own temper, things get really bad and even more hurtful. I love my husband, but this is one of the most challenging, stressful things I have going through and I have often been tempted to give up. If I can do my part and have good, healthy habits of remaining calm and patiently standing up for myself without yelling, then I know things will get better. If I can't do my part, how can I expect him to do his?

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      Usually I'm dumbfounded & speechless by the behavior and just don't say anything. Then 5-10 mins later I go somewhere else and cry/try to console myself. On some occasions I try to stand up for my self, which makes him more angry, he will say"why do you like the bear, why" and then I'll say sorry................

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      rosalie 9 months ago

      Thank you this helps

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      Paula 9 months ago

      Gimme a break. I don't like the obviousness of having the women take the hit all the time trying to keep the fort down. The man usually gets away Scott free.... no apology etc.

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      Mateus Brava 9 months ago from Portland, OR

      @Mental Health clinician (and Elle): are you sure there's something "negligent" here? If you were to provide a slightly more reasoned and helpful comment for all the ladies here faced with abuse perhaps I'd be willing to have a discussion. This is the thing with modern "mental health clinicians" - they mostly see things as black and white and are rarely eager to teach how to use hopeless, desperate situations and transform them into a path of light and wisdom. If you read all the comments you'll learn that most women here have no other option but to stay and weather the storm. Please, if you have much better advice and are able to share it in most general terms then please do so as we'd all be grateful, but to judge and suggest my personal opinion is somehow irresponsible and causes more harm than good without any meaningful insights of your own speaks volumes of you as a "practitioner" who I'm sure has facilitated the brake up of many relationships that had a chance and a future.

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      Elle 10 months ago

      I would have to agree that this article is shamefully negligent. If you are reading this and are in an abusive situation, you don't need to be "understanding" of the fact that you are being abused. Please understand instead that you deserve to live without being disrespected and hurt by someone who claimed to love you and that you owe it to yourself to keep yourself safe.

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      Annie 10 months ago

      I agree with most of what LollyA mentioned but most of your advice seems to be very passive. Over the past few years, my husband has gotten so angry and abusive that "passive" is not an option. I have listened and showed empathy and patience. I am tired of walking on eggshells, things being thrown around the house and broken, and being slapped and called the worst names. Fine, if he wants to break his own hand by punching the wall, he will have to pay for the hospital treatment but I don't want to pay for another house repair.

      There are times when you actually just need to get out and when you have written "set your boundaries," stick to it.

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      Please be more responsible FOR your readers! 10 months ago

      "When a man abuses a woman, he abuses himself too...Try to be more understanding of this, since it may be a result of a vicious cycle."

      I gasped when I read this. This is a sick attempt to justify domestic violence and rationalize with an abuser. I hope women who are victims of abuse do not read this column and think it's "okay" to put up with this behavior because you (the Author) have encouraged them to think: "it's not his fault" or "he hurts me because he's in pain."

      This is a negligent and irresponsible opinion article with no real psychological or medical authenticity.

      - a Mental Health clinician

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      Elle 10 months ago

      My husband is always angry. OUR son (6 y0) hates him. He gets mad when my son doesn't eat his food, he tells him quietly (restaurant) you fucking asshole, wat you're fucking food. I shot back and tell him do no speak to him that way. Sometimes he tells me HE WISHES he was never born, it was better before he came. I feel I married another man but it's his son. He gets mad when he sees clutter on the floor. I clean all the time. Married for 18 yrs and I can't take it anymore. I have no one to turn too. I feel trap.

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      Hopeful 11 months ago

      The honeymoon phase was short. About a month and a half into the relationship he became controlling and treated me like I was slut. He said from his past hes dealt with bad gfs and was just really cautious. But he knew from the beginning how naive and conservative I had always been. And how strongly I felt about cheating. And I told him I would be patient though and to help with his confidence to help him see how loyal I was. I was in love puppy love first true boyfriend. Wasnt a virgin...but i had a very small number. But he would soon forget and make me feel so bad about nyself call me a slut. Accuse me of wanting his friends. Omg all I wanted was him. Pick on what I wore. Such s shorts, I didbt think theu were that bd. Considering most of time I dressed super casual and tried not to atteact attention to myself. I knew he loved me...he just was afraid. So I continued to take it. i'd apologize, but it only made him angry and got angrier if I tried just being kind by hugging him almost hrowing myself at him and giving sweet words. People trust me this is really hard to talk about it. But I need help. I love him and I know he loves me. We just communicate oddly and have probably ruined the emotional lust to the relationship. Anyways back to what I was saying. Neighbors called police on us before. He doesnt want to be touched. The sappy love crap is too dramatic for him. Nothing works. He would ask me who I was working with that day and think im hiding that im talking to some guy. I was happy and he ruined it alot when he was paraboid. He thought that because sex was less I wasnt loving him anymore. And would make me feel bad when I didnt feel like it. Trust me I loved the sex. But I was tired sometimes we had sex all the time. I guess I got to the point where he pushed me away when it came to it. I told him that the way he treated me pushes me away from being sexual to him. It was true. He said hurtful things to me. Bitxh...shut the fuxk up! Whore! Were over repeatedly...ive never been called a bitxh before I met him. I said my sorrows and he gets angry tells me im bitching and to get over myself and only made me feel bad. But I always have tried to respect him when he has an indifference. I got pregnant and he was so sweet and caring on certain days and others accusing. But petes sake I was having his child!!! His mom didnt help. "Hopeful, give him some space" sometimes I wanted to hear her say to him be a man and hear your woman out. She loves you and just wants to communicate and feel heard. Nope he just got petted and it only fuelled his anger. I will admit I dont think I helped, but I tried. I have anxiety and I hated to be not reconciled. Comforted if you will(My dad left when I was 17 and I was daddies girl) And understood and treated like a queen. Im a calm person and super understanding and sometimes can come off as a people pleaser. and probably can come off as pushy. But I told him I didnt want to be treated that way and that its happened before. Call me a helpless romantic hopeful. Whatever happened to treating each other with real love sappy love. I want chivalry and care. Sometimes I didn't want it to always be cruel reality love sometimes I wanted him to run after to me. If men fantasy had to happen why not womens. He acted like I was demeaning his power and that he was the man. And he ran from me literally. I guess I didnt give him enough space and it got him raging angry and he would try his hardest to get away from me saying were over. I was afraid of him leaving me and alot of times so confused because in my head I was happy and innocent and on cloud9 and he was paranoid sometines and not thinking the better of things. My heart was warm for him. I thought the nicest of him and he sometimes thought the worst of me. 3 yrs later he has apologized for his actions and feels bad that he has scared me. After a while he grew impatient And wanted me to get over it. I tried so hard to look for his aproval that it was hard for me to live for myself. He controlled everything I did then. I had to let him know what I was doing before he went to work. He made me feel bad for using my phone. It helped me whine down after a long day of work. I expressed love to him everytime and all the time I get around him. Telling him how much loved him and how sexy and smart he was. But it was enough. The minute he felt unnoticed he got paranoid. Now, he does the things I was afraid to do, to keep him from him being mad. And makes me feel bad for getting butt hurt when he didnt care that im still trying get over it. He downed my sadness made me feel crazy. So now, I never feel confident in any fight. And am stsrting to give up. I have no confidence in myself. He never truly makes me feel better. He hurts me more. But then he out of no where shows me he loves me. He says he can only express himself through sex and resolve things by joking and kissing and playing with me. But it only makes me feel not taken seriously. I wanted him to care about my feelings. For about a 2 weeks I was happy. But one day he made me feel irrelevant and called me horrible and I mean horrible things. He has made me feel pushed aside. Like everyone was to be treated better than me. He made me feel like their feelings were better than mine. I may have caused him to be pushed away from this relationship and I'm sure tried way too hard. I react to my husbands anger in different ways. Some days I stood my ground. Sometimes I cried and threw myself and belittle myself to him. Sometimes I just grew quiet and only pissed him off. And everytime... I give and let him win and everytime I take his horrible words and never truly made him be accountable. Some told me to leave to make him want you fiercer and to stop taking forgranted of me. He used to spend all of his free time with me willingly. But now he wants so badly to go somewhere like the pool hall wi th his friends. And this is never him. Cheating I know thats not a factor. I feel it. But I tell you, I have tried everything. I want him to be more emotional and understanding of my feelings. But he isnt. He is sometimes willing to fight and argue in front of others. and not care that I have been embaraaesed. He can sometimes be a hypocrite, when things happen with me all hell breaks loose and he makes me feel like the devil and tries to leave every time. A person can take that so much. I have started not worthy and not needed and almost invisibly. I know im all over the place. Im an emotional wreck and cant seem to get my mind right. I am trying to be really honest and give just enough details for help. Trust me I want to do this right. So some rhings I did werent justified but I was angry with his angry and didnt know how to react

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      Calie S 11 months ago

      Mellisa; Men can and will ruin any hope or dream devised. I hoped to live in peace love and understanding in 1981. I now live in a constant state of fear that my husband will make me leave with no options to even see my now nearly four year old son. He's even alienated my relationship with my mother, who also says he worked hard for decades and provided me with a good life for what! I did not even clean his home.

      He had to force me to have sex, after three decades of my saying no (that's how I got pregnant in 2013) Christmas day 2015, he would not consider doing as me and his father asked and take the stinking vacation he had be4en at war with us over for 34 years, and go any where he wanted and leave us in peace for Christmas, We would have a holiday celebration in private with him after the first of the year. I ended up with a face full of food shoved into it, and a bit later a horse in my livingroom with him on back of it with his 30 30 telling several guests that were armed go ahead be stupid he would clean their brains of the wall if any body tried getting their weapons.

      Then he told our guests that anybody that did not like him in his house they were free to leave and that included me. Now I can't even talk to my friends from the mid west, they wont talk unless my husband is dead.

      I can't even get help from his father as in the past he died 12 weeks ago. When my husband was asked at his funeral to say a few words he said just get him into the ground so he did not sit up and start issuing orders. Its sad when a parent dies without any forgiving.

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      Karin Hart 11 months ago

      My husband doesn't seem to be sexually attracted to me. There is no holding hands no intimacy at all. We even sleep in different rooms. He won't even let me touch him .he is so cranky

    • profile image 11 months ago

      I feel like an invisible weight is on me I cannot shake when he is in the house angry. It is very annoying because I don't see the sense in it so I leave and walk or shop and stay gone...feeling like a dog without a home.

      I don't understand how he can turn it off and on without apology or explanation...and I have a difficult time staying home during these times. We have been married for 30 years now so it is not new. He attends church and tried to tell me "you need to hear this!" when a loud preacher was on a cd he bought while we were traveling to see my daughter 8 hours away. I ended up sitting in the back seat burying me head in a book. Not sure how most people cope with lies like these but I withdraw and refuse to attend church or even talk about it because it is so hypocritical to think about the meaning of God and love and an angry person. So then later he gets over it. I finish my book and we exist. Life is a learning experience however I don't feel as though I intentionally attracted this nor do I want it but when he is kind, he is funny and a very good person. Taking the good after the bad has been my only answer and removing myself from his judgement zones.

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      Veronica R 12 months ago

      Great article, first off. So much of what i read i knoe and i feel like my husband too gets irritated with himself after he explodes. However, he continues to explode over everything. We will be going to therapy, again, and hopefully we can get a handle on his anger. Im getting close to the end of my rope. With all of this going on i have lost childcare for my 3 boys so i have to either quit my job or entoll them in daycare. Would it be smart to quit my job now? What if the anger doesnt get under control? I will have no income to fall back on, should i bite the bullet and hope for the best and quit or am i not being realistic?

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      Sonja 12 months ago

      This is a really helpful article. Some of this seems like appeasing and catering to the behaviors - is this healthy? I'm asking because I am in this situation and genuinely want to know. Also, any advice for setting boundaries around disrespect and "don't tolerate this"? My husband was diagnosed with "rage disorder" (intermittent anger disorder) and blows up at the drop of a hat disproportionally to the situation. He's a stay at home dad as of the last year and I imagine this is taking a toll on his manliness. He has issues with his mom and regularly calls me really crude names that you shouldn't call woman, definitely abusive, and usually apologizing later. Doing the smallest things wrong or incorrectly according to his standards will result in name calling about not being a good mom or not being good at life / being a useless person. Missing a train by 10 mins because a meeting went late will result in a huge argument because he thinks it's lack of consideration on my part and a stream of text insults and condescension will arrive to my phone. I'm the breadwinner, he watches the kids and is great at it, but is understandably exhausted at the end of the day, however that doesn't warrant his behavior. I bend over backward to keep him from getting upset. I play the role of mother/wife/employee among others, trying to balance all of this while being chastised by him. We've tried two different counselors.

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      Dorene Lewis 12 months ago

      The argument starts when I disagree with something he says. A recent argument came after I said calmly "that's your opinion". I am never allowed to voice my opinion or have a voice. He just blows up and then ends the conversation with "stop" or "that's enough". If I try to make any comment after that he really explodes. Basically when he says stop or that's enough it means shut up. At least that's the way it makes me feel. So then I have to say nothing. I'm afraid to say anything or it will escalate further. I don't dare. After being silent for 15 minutes or more, he then makes snide comments like, "so now your nit going to talk". There is no way to win. He is killing my spirit. It makes me want to run away.

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      Stuck in house 13 months ago

      I am so glad I found this forum..I see I am not alone who goes through this..I am from other country, I married vet..

      It was the biggest mistake in my life, I mean, to leave my family, leave my great job and satisfied all and everything what I've achieved in my life by my hard work. ..for the man who I was think loves me unconditionally..Wrong !.. He never did...Daily verbal and emotional abuse, financial and physical...I am mostly time quietly, not saying a word except asking him if he is hungry, I am always ready with the dinner, when he comes home..but simple my word makes him angry even there is not any reason for that...why with his mother to who he speak daily, does not makes him angry ? Why nobody else makes him angry in the way he is angry at me even I do not giving him any reason !!!! Just because I am alive and breathing the air?!

      Do you know what makes him angry at JUST and ONLY at ME ????

      I had contact Vera House..They knows everything..the case is registered..

      I had contact his psychiatrist and psychologist..They both knows..not too much have got changed...even they tried talk to him a very carefully..almost no longer than 1 minute and end of conversation about it because he had a million bla bla bla how our relationship is beautiful and understanding and blah blah blah about what he planing to do with me in near future and again just blah blah blah and everybody got so happy to hear it from him but nobody asking about evidence from me when he is not next me but only when he is there of course I can't infront him say how it is .. but that is only blah blah blah..not any one of actions he mentioned in front doctors !!!!!

      I spoke with his mother about he threatened me bad..

      I spoke with his sister and brother...Seems like everyone was hiding the true in front he is ..My option it is and please dont judge me for that, but I do having a strong feeling that because of his mother who just wanted him get marry some a women from diferent country who will take care about her son ..because all I am allowed to do it is cleaning laundry, cooking dinner, washing dishes and keep my eye on his healthy condition especially keep my eye on his medications list and that he uses it properly that's my responsibility since last year he over took and end up in hospital twice in two months

      Seems like nobody from his family wants to talk to him about his behavior and what he did to me..but everybody act like he is superior, the best man and he looks fantastic like a model and sexy man and the only one who is wrong it's me...yes I never experienced before that own mother would do this to adult son so many compliments and he loves it and he also asking it to do from me to him but why should I ? Do I getting some compliments from him ? Nooooooooooooooooo........................................................................................and that is sad sad.. How can a man loves his wife when he does not see her attractive in any ways, but he wants her to do this for him...thats wrong !!!!...and nobody from his family want's talk to me anymore..even his a distanced family from his side...He always make sure to let them all know about "HIS STORY" ..and of course they all listen to him and believe to his lies..but nobody asked me how things goes trully..but I having pictures, emails..evidence how he threatened me bad...after he hit me a many times and I had bruises on my face and arms and breast...I am in contact with my gynecologist who had seen bruise on my breast just before I had to get done my mammogram, so they knows's dificult to get to doctor on my own, because I am not a driver and he is always with me even when I have a reguraly apoitments he is with me in the room with doctor..its a dificult to talk to someone..but mamogram was a good oportunity so I did it .. trust me it was hard for me ..

      I am unhappy, I am hurt, disappointed, humiliated, he makes me feel ashamed and foolish and stupid, without any rights, he acting like he is allowed to control everything but when it comes to me I am not allowed to work in front of house on small place of landscape as I would wish and like to do's always about his instructions like I am an idiot who dont know nothing !

      It took me 3 years to figure out, that he is who is not OK..Even believe me there was times I was accused myself for his angry at me and I start to thing about myself that I am an idiot..cause he often says it ..also that someone will kill me when I will speak..

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      caroline 13 months ago

      Ive gone through most of the options from crying , losing my temper , standing up for myself etc. None of that really works Havent done the hugs and comforting as I just cant when he is so hurtful . I now use the walkng away option which seems to be working . However none of this actually improves my life and I constantly dream of a life alone. I have suggested it many times and I would follow through but he usually is the one to back down. The strange thing is he sees the reaction in a family member , same age , who is unkind to his wife in public and comments. My husband is 71 and am 68 and we have been married for 46 years. I feel so much better that I am not alone after reading this. Although it is sad to realise there is no real solution or light at the end of the tunnel. Like LollyA he can have a full range of emotions in the space of an hour but doesn't see it in himself Just sees the small thing that I have done to cause him to lose it in the first place .

      . Its the lack of respect that is the hardest to deal with. After 46 years and 2 wonderful daughters and working together running a small business together successfully , small things that are not important are what is causing our marriage to fall apart.

      Thanks for listening


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