How to Deal With an Angry Husband Without Sacrificing Your Dignity

Some women compare living with an angry husband to living by an active volcano. One always lives in a constant state of alertness—always waiting for something to blow up and splatter molten lava everywhere. Even a small outburst can immediately throw one off-balance and ruin a perfectly lovely day. The one big difference between a husband and a volcano is that you can more easily move away from one of them.

However on the other hand, a husband is also more manageable than a volcano. You can at least somewhat prepare yourself to deal with your husband to whom you've committed your life and love. If you'll allow me to, I'd like to share a few things from a guy's perspective, based on my own past and actions. Because, well, no one knows men better than men—after all, dogs know dogs best.

The following advice is based on the assumption that your husband's anger is directed at you, and not a politician or the electricity bill. However in order for the advice to be effective, it may require you to shift your own mental perspective and, often times, your ego.

It is essential you do what is best for both of you. So, if you are ready to arm yourself with a new mindset and learn helpful skills, then read on.

Mentalities to Have When Handling an Angry Husband

  1. Don’t be afraid. Don't fear the anger itself. Know that the anger stems from a general lack of real power. Often, it's because one doesn't have control over one’s situation. It helps to look at it as a baby’s cry, rather than as a lion’s roar.
  2. Reflect on your actions. Think about whether you played any role in triggering this anger. It pays to be honest with yourself here. If you did play a role escalating the conflict, this will require an approach of taking ownership of your actions and maybe apologizing for them if the situation calls for it. However if you didn't contribute to his anger, then your priority shifts to showing him where he misunderstood you, but not now.
  3. Know that anger is a habit. Many times, a man's anger is simply a condition—a habit triggered by the most trivial events. It’s not your fault that he has a short fuse, no matter how he may try to unintentionally (or intentionally) brainwash you into believing so. His words and actions are his own responsibilities, so never take blame for what he does or says.
  4. Don't try to take the reigns. Don't try to control your husband's anger. First things first with this, don't focus on trying to change him, because you can't. Only he can. All you can do is control how you react to it and what it does to you on your end. In other words, he can spit fire but you can shield yourself from letting it burn you.
  5. Remember: Angry men suffer too. When a man abuses a woman, he abuses himself too. Initially, anger makes a man feel powerful and in control—but it burns him from within. Eventually, that stereotypical sense of "manliness" has a boomerang effect on the man's physical and spiritual health. Try to be more understanding of this, since it may be a result of a vicious cycle
  6. Anger is a weakness. Despite how it's often portrayed in our culture, anger is not a strength. My spiritual teacher has a saying I really like on this topic, "Big dogs don't bark. They don't need to." Strong and confident men don't need to bark, only the insecure and fearful ones do. It helps to remember this as you are dealing with your angry husband.
  7. Humor is your best protector. When you're in a serious moment of witnessing your husband's anger, remember that laughter is the best medicine for both you and him. Think about some things that make you laugh. Here, I'll share with you one of my favorite jokes ever: "God created a man and said to him: 'Listen, I gave you two wonderful organs that will give you ability to think and benefit the world with: a brain and a penis. But I have to admit there could be a design flaw. Very likely, there will not be enough blood flow to share between them at the same time.'" :)

Quick psychology tip: A man may get angry at his wife for showing emotions that he himself is suppressing and is afraid to show. So when you start crying over things, it may evoke the same feeling inside, and the little voice in his head may say: “Men don’t cry.” So what you may get in return is an angry outburst that will attempt to suppress your cry. That's all that is—his little voice talking and not his actual, active voice of the man who loves you and claims himself as your life partner.

Techniques to Deal with an Angry Husband

  1. Don't put fuel into the fire. Anger has an important trait: it’s temporary. So let him be angry by himself and know that he will calm down eventually. If you put more fire into his fire, it may last for more hours or even days than it normally would have. Remember, his anger will pass but what you say to each other while arguing in the heat of the moment may leave scars forever.
  2. Wait until he's calmed down. Address his anger when he's more rational. Don’t be surprised that your husband is still angry, even when everything went according to his wish. Understand that the body is an energy system, and that it takes time for that energy to settle. Usually it takes at least 20 minutes for the adrenaline's effect to die down. When he's calm, address his irrational behavior and perhaps share one of the anger management techniques that "you learned for yourself" that will be helpful for him too.
  3. Set your boundaries. Set them and stick to them. The biggest mistake I see others make often is that they do not clearly define what they will be willing to tolerate. Setting boundaries and making them known to your husband is one of the most effective anger management techniques around the house.
  4. Pick your battles. The greatest generals know to only fight the battles they can win. They don’t waste their resources on the ones that they can’t. The less battles you fight, the more powerful the ones you decide to engage in will be. Not only they will pack a larger punch, but you will be more likely take your husband by surprise and win the ones that really matter to you. Of course, it's not about winning or losing. Rather, it's about being mindful of what issues are worth tackling vs. those that just need to blow over.
  5. Do not tolerate disrespect. This especially goes for a condescending and dismissive attitude. It’s not constructive for him, let alone for you. From a guy's perspective: a man will only mistreat a lady when no one challenges his behavior. If he knows he can get away with it, he'll say hurtful things to you to boost his ego over and over. It's a nasty business. This may sound a bit harsh, but as the old saying goes: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." So if your husband treats you like crap more than once, it's on you to put a stop to it. You can do this by letting it be known that you don't tolerate such disrespect from a man who made a vow to love you for the rest of his life. If you take the abuse over and over, you are allowing it and letting him believe it's okay. Don't tolerate this: set your boundaries.
  6. Apologize when needed. "I'm sorry." This one is such a common sense tactic that it’s ridiculous to even mention here. However it bears repeating: if you clearly played a role in escalating your husband's anger, then simply take responsibility for it and say "I'm sorry." Nothing melts an angry heart faster like a sincere apology. Make sure it's sincere, though.
  7. Diet matters. What is your hubby eating? Is it a lot of junk food? The importance of a good diet for good mental health cannot be stressed enough. The cliché "we are what we eat," really does ring true here. If he is consuming nutrient deficient junk food (fried, processed, trans fatty, sugary things), then no wonder his brain is on fire. A lousy diet and especially poor gut health can make any person insane.
  • For a quick fix: introduce a ton of raw, fresh foods to your meals, exchange red meats for fish and poultry, juice veggies and local fruits (the exotic ones are too sugary), get some super foods and blend them, drink them, also get some good supplements like vitamin B complex, good vitamin C, omega-3s, quality multivitamin, drink a ton of water and voila! Your guy's mood and irritability is bound to improve dramatically.

If nothing else works, then grab a dough roller and knock him out! I'm joking of course—this is clearly illegal and may land you in some anger management classes of your own. On the other hand, he may have an anger disorder or some other brain-related conditions that must be addressed by a professional. Perhaps you can convince him to seek some help from a mental health professional. Ask your doctor for more guidance on this.

General Advice on Dealing with Your Angry Husband

  • Don't get angry in response. It is not wise to get angry in response to your husband's anger. If you weather his verbal onslaught and remain relaxed and calm, he will likely be embarrassed about his behavior, reflect on it to correct it, and respect you even more. Think of a time when you yourself were insufferable, but in turn someone dealt with your emotionally charged state in a peaceful and professional way. Didn’t you secretly leave with a great amount of admiration for that individual when all the things were said and done?
  • Know when to walk away. You need to make difficult decisions if they are called for. If all else truly fails and your husband is just making your life too miserable, the bad outweighs the good, he's not the man you married, or you just aren't happy, then you have to make a difficult choice to make. Reassess the situation and think about whether you stay in the relationship (considering emotional attachment, kids, property, and so forth) or do you make a choice to let bygones be bygones and move on in search for a better quality of life (again considering all the important factors.) Remember, an abusive relationship does not serve anyone’s interests. When there’s a lot of anger in the house, everyone suffers: you, husband, kids, even the pets.
  • Reflection is key. Some Eastern philosophies have explored anger in depth and advise us to follow the way of developing awareness and avoiding automatic reactions to anger. Instead, they advise taking a better look at why that person is angry. Buddha’s words were: “By looking deeply you'll be able to identify the reasons that led to the person’s anger. If you see that you bear responsibility for angering the person, you'll accept that your own misconduct contributed to their anger and won't get angry in exchange. If you are without blame then you can try to see why that person has misinterpreted you. Then you can find a way to help him understand your true motives. By doing this you are going to stay clear of causing more suffering to oneself and the other person.”
  • Compassion is crucial. If you are a beacon of patience and compassion around the house, you can convince your husband to believe that only compassion towards each other will save and sustain the relationship. Compassion is the elixir of life that heals all wounds and lifts all spirits to new heights of human condition. Let's strive for it. Make the right decision in the end for yourself and your husband and always remember to love first.

And now it's your turn... What do you find the most helpful way to cope with an angry husband or partner? Leave a comment below and let's get the conversation started.

Source of Inspiration:

NEW: Women's Only Poll (anonymous)

How do you manage verbal abuse from your husband?

  • I try to leave the situation as soon as things get heated
  • I brake down and cry from hopelessness in front of him or in private
  • I shower him with hugs and kindness and try to calm him down
  • I feel arguing is fruitless so I listen and patiently wait for him to calm down
  • I usually lose my temper myself and we fight like hell
  • Other… I'll explain in the comments
See results without voting

© 2012 tadasland

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Comments 384 comments

LollyA 4 years ago

Hi , I've just read your article on how to deal with an angry husband on Hubpages, and it has given me a sense of hope with my relationship.

I've been with my husband for 5 years, married for 2 of them, and constantly seem to be up and down amongst dealing with his anger. Even he is now at his wits end and wants to know how to help himself, as our relationship is suffering immensely. I'm more myself with others than I am with him.

He can react over the smallest thing, and can turn from Dr Jekyll to Mr Hyde in seconds, so I tread on eggshells mostly. When he is lovely, he is a joy to be with. I do stand up for myself, but my tolerance is waning, so it takes less to upset me these days and I too have seen a change in my nature, and at times shamefully lowering myself to being nasty back. This is not the way I am, nor wish to be. Without bragging, I think I am a very patient person, loving and considerate and feels he is lucky to have someone as understanding as I am. We have tried marriage counselling and he has been to see a therapist himself, but he felt neither has helped.

He has had an angry upbringing, from both his father who is eccentric and mother who was violent, and has big issues there. I was sure that was where the problem was, but now I'm not so sure. He truly wants to behave better, and has made efforts and quickly realises when he has calmed down. He has stopped calling me names so much, and so the advice you gave about boundaries struck a chord with me. I've even considered referring to books on how to control children's temper tantrums, in some way going back to basics! On the reverse side, my childhood seems to have been idyllic in comparison, caring, loving and supportive and not surprisingly, he loves my parents and is almost at his best when we're with them.

He's looking for a solution, in his words, he feels like an overweight person looking for a diet that works, but as I said to him it takes a change of mindset/lifestyle and sadly there is no quick fix.

I do realise this is a vast subject and every person has their own different story, I guess I was just hoping to find some positive, real advice in how to cope from my point of view. I love my husband and want to help him if I can, particularly because I can see he does try and he truly wants to be better himself.

Thanks for listening.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 4 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi LollyA,

Thank you for a note from the heart. Its not always easy to open up to a total stranger so I admire your courage.

Its an interesting story you are sharing, yet you can probably imagine, not a unique one. The world is truly on fire with anger and contempt. I too grew up among a father who had issues with alcohol, angry outbursts, and total disregard about feelings of others. My mom, who is still living, is a very gentle and loving lady but she has a touch of qualities that my farther was able to “transmit” to her. Needless to say, my sister and I had some serious anger issues as well. Nothing violent but rather short fuses. :-) So I can relate to your husband in knowing that it is very very difficult to manage anger, it takes a tremendous amount of work. It can be done though. I can’t say I’m entirely out of the woods but its under control and no longer a problem.

But guess what? My own weaknesses from the past are coming to haunt me in a form of my wife! She’s become quite a jewel of angry behavior... forget the short fuse, there is no fuse at all! OK, partially because of our newborn we’re both a bit crazy. Its not a big problem yet because she’s a gentle soul and it does not last. If I don’t flame the fire then it just comes and goes. On the other hand, when I seem to be losing it a bit she laughs at me from the bottom of her lungs, after all... I’m the Mr. “Anger Mentor” now.... so I catch my own short lived Hypocrisy and laugh as well. Truly, I think humor is the best way to deal with anything in life.

Obviously your husband has the capability of self control as he acts like a big boy among your parents. All he needs is a will. Send him the Arnold video from the blog how Anger is for Sissies. Truly, it should be quite embarrassing to have this weakness, especially when taking it out on his lady.

Having said that, I can certainly respect how difficult it is to change the anger habit. No therapist, or pill, or wishes will do. Its like wishing to gain more muscles, or reading a fitness magazine but never hitting the gym. You know what I would do if I was you right now? Find out his WHY? Why is it that he wants to change? What are his pain points? What motivates him?

If he can tell you that then you have a starting point. Also, does he have any sort of spiritual inclination? Where does he draw his value system from?

I’m very happy to hear you can still see the best in your husband. He is not his anger. He can certainly manage it better and be the loving husband that you want him to be.

All the best.

LollyA 4 years ago

Hi Tadas

Thanks so much for your reply. It's good to know there are successes as there's a lot of negative advice out there saying the only thing to do is leave, get out while you can because he's rotten and there's no way he can be cured!

I believe nothing is impossible, and as you say where there's a will there's a way - not to mention love and laughter!!

When you ask of his reason to want to change, well he tells me that he doesn't want to upset me and he's afraid I will decide to leave one day. Yesterday, he admitted that I didn't deserve the treatment I get. He knows himself how much happier we are and how lovely life can be when there isn't any anger in the house. However, I have to admit to you here, that although I do not erupt into anger myself, I do stay wounded for quite some time - a day or two, sometimes longer if he's been particularly horrible. I have tried not to drag it out, but even if he has apologised, I've heard it so many times, I don't really want to be in his company. So this doesn't help, in fact it only makes things worse. But ultimately, he loves me deeply and I know that he does, but he also wants to be better for himself, as he doesn't want to end up like his father, a lonely old man who is miserly and swears at the world constantly.

The next very interesting point you raised was the question about his value system and spirituality. To be honest, I really don't know, possibly he doesn't have any system or moral code as such. His parents have let him down there. He's certainly religious about cycling and 80's music, but I would say he really only has me to help him from a moral stance. Could this also be why he loves my parents so much, because he knows and respects their moral code?

It's good to hear someone else saying that maybe he or we don't need a therapist and that there is a way we can do it together. I know we'll both be stronger because of it, and although there isn't much humour about at the moment, we can and do have a laugh when times are better.

I'll send him the Arnold link for sure!

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tadasland 4 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

You are exactly right about “it” rearing its ugly head, sometimes it comes out, in fact for people like your husband and I it will come out more often but the key is to learn to notice it, observe it and let go without acting on it. I’ve always heard from my spiritual teachers “it” will go back where "it" came from if you don’t feed it. :-))

To be frank, I don’t think your husband has a strong enough WHY to seek lasting change. Fears are good motivator but it’s a draining one, nothing that he can sustain. However, his love for you and willingness to see you happy is WHY you should stay with him and why most likely he will seek to change.

I would like you to figure out what is the undercurrent emotions behind his anger. He’s hiding something there, underneath it. That’s how guys are. They hide their fears and insecurities underneath their strong emotions. Next time when you are having a casual conversation dig deeper (but without being obvious). What worries him on daily basis, what is he afraid of… have a heart to heart, open up yourself so he can reciprocate and tell you more, OK? Give him a shot of tequila if you have to. :-) You just need to learn more at this stage what’s feeding that dragon.

Don’t worry about giving him a silent treatment after his anger outbursts. It seems we do this because we know they don’t like it, so its our way of regaining some dignity. While its not constructive and many times even more distancing, its by far better than getting angry in return and getting into a big fight. So don’t worry about it for now. Its understandable you want to stay away from the source of your pain, anyone would. You wouldn’t have to do this if he had more control over his emotions. Next time, he does this, you may even want to consider giving him a “cold shower” by packing up and moving out for a day or two to your parents. This is a bull shit behavior and you shouldn’t tolerate it – this is how you set your boundaries in a powerful way.

For now don’t underestimate this approach of using ego against ego. Guys who take their pride seriously will consider the fact that anger is a weakness. Unlike what our culture is portraying in the movies, anger indeed IS for sissies. If he gets this somehow, his own ego will keep his rage on a shorter leash.

Hang in there.

LollyA 4 years ago

Thanks Tadasland,

It's good advice. At the moment, I'm almost frightened to tempt fate, but 'things' have been rather calm in our household of late, even when there have been situations that previously, may have led to an outburst, they haven't! He is trying, and he is managing to be calmer and the end product is rather nice!! On my part too, I have been giving him more attention and affection, which is making him feel more relaxed I'm sure.

As yet though, I haven't managed to dig deeper to find out what it is that he's hiding emotionally. Part of me is a bit worried how he'll react, as he's not very good at deep conversations, he prefers factual discussions about real events or people. He can be very critical and seems to lack empathy for others, which worries me, sometimes it's like I'm teaching him how to feel. So I'll have to pick my words and my timing carefully, but I feel sure I'll get there eventually, it may just take a while.

I'll get the Tequila at the ready!!;-)

tadasland profile image

tadasland 4 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

I know what you mean LollyA, my dad was like this, he could just not manage a conversation about his internal states, as if this was some Area 51, access denied! :-)

One does have to be skillful though and catch a right moment. Draw an analogy or use a parable, sometimes humor works too. Try different keys; one of them will open the gates for sure. ;-)

Lilly 4 years ago

Hi I really love what you are saying especially the few lines about the Buddha I practice but certainly not enough. I need your help as i know i was some what to blame but then on the other hand im not so sure( confused)here is what happened my parter and I are 4 years together and I love him dearly he's a great guy, I asked him if he could pick my daughter up at 9.30pm from the shops as she was out playing wit friends , I said that it could not be any later as it would be to dark, my partner said don't worry I promise I will you go and meet your friend for a while and enjoy yourself( I was nervous going as I was afraid he would forget the time to pick up my daughter) he said again don't worry promise I'll pick her up.I left at 7.15pm and returned hom at 10.15pm but he had not collected my daughter I was fuming blew the fuse at him and also my daughter who's 14 when she strolled in. My partner said he gave my daughter more time to play as she had asked him, I gave out then he blew a fuse back at me and stormed out of our home,and us gone over a week and has not phoned me either!! am I right to assume that I should have not blown the fuse based on what you gave written in your article. Please honest comments

Lilly 4 years ago

Also my partner can explode easily,I'm usually the one who calms it all down but then I can get fed up and explode like I say in my head that's t I'm goin to explode also , oh dear sounds so childish, please explain about the WHY Thingy you spoke about if you can. Kind regards lilly

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michememe 4 years ago

I was married to a man with anger issues, and this is the very reason I left. I grew up in a home with many disagreements, and I vowed to never inflict the same thing on my children. My husband was aware of my upbringings and the boundaries I set. He crossed the line too many times, and I decided the environment was not suitable for myself or the kids. This is a really good hub for women who are unaware how to deal with a man with this issue.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 4 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi Smita,

Thank you for a sincere question. The other night some friends and I were laughing thinking, “We sure invest more time into researching and buying a laundry machine than carefully choosing our partners who we spend our lives with.” So you see, before you marry a man you should vet it (so to speak) like the president does to a potential vice president. Check their background, check their breath, talk to his closest friends, learn how they (if they) fold their trousers and get them drunk to see what kind of stupidity comes out. :-) This would surely weed out at least 50% of the crazy angry husbands before you ever commit to put both of your boots under one roof and live “happily ever after.”

All joking aside, it seems you maybe from a culture where the above would be a highly criticized process. Heartbreakingly, there are millions of ladies all around the world incarcerated in their husbands anger and abuse. Boys grow up in male ego dominated societies seeing their fathers disrespecting their moms, and do the same onto their new wives without any consequences. And if alcohol gets involved, all just really goes downhill very quickly.

It makes me scratch my head thinking what I would do if I were you. Depending on your circumstances, see if you can find a support group to empower yourself. Seek advice locally from someone who had to deal with similar situations. Again, I realize this could be a cultural taboo for you but if you can - get some distance from him, move in and live with your parents or friends somewhere and make it known you will not tolerate this (which it seems you already did). When my own father got sick and started drinking heavily my mom had to move out until he came to his senses. Most men don’t really realize how much they need their wives. They need them on all levels like little boys need their moms, its really true.

You are a very brave lady for standing up to your rights. Its so important you do this early in the marriage. When things get hopeless, then simply pray or make wishes for the situation to change. Your husband is very likely super stressed for not having a job and for not being able to provide. Remind him that you still love him and you will get through this together. Remind each other what you felt and what you liked about each other when you met. Agree to encourage each other and keep a level head when things get tough. There’s always a solution; sometimes it just takes time. Personally, when the going gets rough for me, I seek solace in my spiritual path and trust all suffering is temporary; “this too shall pass.” May you both have much patience. Take care.

binu 3 years ago

iam married for 18 years my husband feels iam a failure in every aspect of my life.................. i am the one who takes initiative in our relationship but it of no use and i can't leave due to my son. so now iam a very silent person i enjoy my own company have a hobby and a wonderful friend my son. i laugh and talk a lot in my sons company. nowadays i don't talk much to husband and he does not have a situation to shout as iam in own world when he is in the house.

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tadasland 3 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

hi Binu, rest assured, people who blame others as failure tremble inside from fear that they are failures themselves. My dad was a nagging type and constantly blamed my mother for failures but she did raise two kids working full time job and later on proved him how wrong he was by doing many great things in life, even built a small but successful business of her own.

Its good at least you have your space where you can more or less feel at ease and be with your son. Take care of your mind and soul by praying and meditating if you can't escape your circumstances and eventually something will change. Warmest wishes, Tad.

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logoquiz 3 years ago from London

Thank you this is very useful, has been shared with someone I hope will make good use of it!

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ccurry 3 years ago from US

Very well put!

bevinyork 3 years ago

I have been married to my husband for 45 years, and he has never been happy. In the last two years, he has become increasingly angry. Now, he is angry more than he is calm. He is also getting increasingly violent. He has yet to strike me, but has gotten close. He goes days without changing clothes or bathing. When we attended his cousins funeral, he smelled so badly that no one wanted to be near him. I pay most of the bills and have made every payment on our home. We own it free and clear, and I have repeatedly asked him to leave. He tells me to leave. If I leave, I am afraid I will lose the house. I no longer love him, but feel stuck.

lynxy2 3 years ago

This is the first time I have been able to reach out about this problem. My husband and I have been married for only 2 years, and have a one year old child. Before we were married we were friends and during that time I felt that he was a kind and caring person. We lived together before getting married and he never showed any anger towards me or anyone else. However, in the past year or so, he has begun to get increasingly angry. He flies off the handle at the smallest annoyance, and if he's in one of his moods he sometimes takes days to return to normal. He never says sorry and will usually decide by himself when he feels it's time to stop the silent treatment, regardless of whether I try to have a normal conversation. I get no answer at these times and he looks right through me. Then he flips a switch and is back to being the man I fell in love with. The unpredictability is killing me.

I grew up in a house where my parents often argued and towards the end, physically fought. I don't want that for my daughter. I've tried explaining this to him, but he says that if I really didn't want the arguments, I'd stop doing the things that anger him. The things he gets angry about are so small. For example he said he was going to pick me and my daughter up at his Mum's house today. He called and said he would change clothes and come. After an hour he still wasn't there (the live 5 minutes away) so I called to check if he was coming or if he had fallen asleep (he's often tired from work). He was angry that I had called and said he can't even drink coffee in peace. He came to pick us up but didn't say a word to me, just to his mother and our daughter, and he was stomping around and angrily packing up the car. I tried to talk and to him and got shouted at me in return. At home he went to our room and went to sleep, then got up and tried to go out without saying anything to me or our daughter. When this kind of argument happens I feel that his reaction is disproportionate to the argument or event, and he draws it out for a long time. I don't know how to react to him at these times. At first I responded with angry words in retaliation. Now I try to keep calm and talk, but if I do he says I'm blaming him for everything and walks away, then it's the silent treatment again. He doesn't think he has a problem and seems to think it's normal, but I can't do this to our daughter. I can't have her grow up and be like me, with anxiety and trust issues. I feel like he has control over the happiness of our home, and he doesn't care if he starts an argument in front of her. He thinks nothing of only interacting with her and ignoring me for days at a time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I feel so trapped.

Liz 3 years ago

Im married to an angry man, and Im tired of letting him dictate my life to me. Im tired of the ranting and raving lunacy over minor issues. If I had a way to support myself financially I probably would have left him years ago.

I recently decided all his nonsense is just that nonsense. The only problem is he's unhappy and angry a lot, and in his mind its always my fault and Im the target of blame for all his unhappiness, he takes no responsibility for anything. Im deciding whatever he chooses for his life is his, Im going to do my best to enjoy my life no matter how he is acting, what hes saying, or what manipulation hes choosing to dole out this week. I think hes working extra hard lately to suck me into his anger, and to break my inner peace.

I want to be happy, I want to feel joy, and I want to feel like I matter. Somewhere along the line I allowed those things to get stolen from me, and Im taking them back. I am ignoring the name calling, because in my mind hes looking for a big reaction from me and Im not going to give it to him. I usually say something like oh you can swear and call me names how proud you must be of yourself and I walk away without much emotion or feeling either way. That seems to have cooled the nasty language down as I didn't give him an emotional response. Once he brought up divorce and made a big deal of letting me know the only reason hes staying with me is because he can't afford to divorce me. I said how romantic (dry sarcasm) you can leave if you want to and he said Im not leaving, I said Im not either (mainly because I have nowhere to go). I said ok whatever. The funny part about that whole thing is, after that he never brought up divorce again. I think hes looking for my emotional response to feed off of. Now Im just telling him matter of factly that I don't agree with him, I don't believe any of the nasty stuff he says about me, and I don't trust him. That seems to shut him up. I actually do hate that I have to live like this, but the key for me is not believing all of his ridiculous nonsense that he says about me.

The issue that Im having lately is he blows up over such minor things, that there is an important financial issue going on, that I feel I have to burden myself because hes so unapproachable about minor things I can't even imagine how crazy he would be over a truly important issue. He has no ability to deal with anything. I handle the check book and make sure the bills are paid, its getting more and more horrible as I try to manage our finances without ever having an actual conversation with him about it. As soon as I say anything about money that Im having a problem paying a bill, its all my fault because I am not working and he flies into a rage. I never realized how much power I had that I had the nerve to have an extreme menopause for 10 years now and depression that has kept me from holding down a job, Im told to eliminate stress to get better and all he does is try to heap more on me. I finally had to take my own sanity in to my own hands without him. I have to let him know all his bad behaviors arent paying off anymore. I used to cry and feel so lost and alone due to his screaming at me about things I couldn't control. Since getting on some supplements for menopause and through much prayer and trust in the Lord I am ready to live again. To have peace in the middle of my circumstances. Im still learning to let go of some fears that still linger, but Im using this opportunity to become a stronger person on the inside. I can't control him, I can only control me. Im choosing to be sane, choosing to be happy, and choosing to be who God made me to be. Im praying for him, but Im not joining him in his misery. I feel bad for him but I can't help him, he wants nothing to do with sympathy or being cared for. I don't participate in his fits anymore, sometimes I tell him off when his rationales get so stupid I can't put up with them anymore, but for the most part I feel like Im living an entirely different life then he is living. Things I think are nothing he sees as major ordeals, he doesn't know how to vent his anger and claims emotions are stupid, and yet he doesn't realize his anger is an emotion.

Fortunately I have a lot of blessings in my life I can concentrate on besides my husbands inability to deal with anything ever. I praise God that Hes bigger then all my husband anger and I am working on my own healing despite my husbands anger. Im losing weight, I have an elliptical machine to work out on, and I have the Lord to keep me on the right path. I know Im not perfect, I know I have made many many mistakes and I am looking to deal with my own garbage. I can only deal with mine, his garbage is between him and God. I used to be a type of emotional dumpster for him, he would dump all of his junk on me and I accepted it. I quit being his emotional dumping ground and Im getting better. I pray he deals with his own garbage, but he wont acknowledge that anything is his fault and just says its all me all the time. I know that's not true. Im still learning as much as I can to keep myself sane and in a place of maturing and getting through my own anxieties and keeping myself mentally stable. Im so happy when he ignores me then I don't have to listen to his nonsensical rationalizations. Im just so sick of the nonsense.

I want to love him, but how do you love someone who sees you as the enemy? How do I care for someone who is manipulating and out to get me? I can't change him, but I can change me and how I handle things in my life. Im hoping and praying that in the end without any input but his own, eventually he will see his own lunacy and want to change.

I have learned to talk and point out facts rather then yell back and get caught up in his emotional drama. He doesn't seem to have answers for calm facts, so Im hoping and praying its making him think. Eventually my hope is he will get to the end of himself and see who he is, instead of who he thinks he is.

Its so sad to see so many of us suffer through this type of abuse, I know for me when I realized I contributed to the problem by running around trying to appease him every time he yelled, was just showing him all his bad behavior worked. He screamed and I ran around trying to fix everything to shut him up. I quit doing that and he quit being such a bully, because now he knows Im not going to fix it for him. That took months and months of being consistent but eventually things changed to the level that he no longer walks around swearing, slamming doors, and pitching a fit when he wants something. It doesn't get him what he wants so hes stopped that tactic altogether. There is some progress but its really slow and the changes are ones I have made, I know I can't change him, just me.

God bless

LollyA 3 years ago

Hi Liz, It seems you are on the right path to looking after yourself and you seem to have hit on a few key notes on how to cope with an angry spouse. I agree that probably the most important issue here is looking after yourself. That doesn't mean to say, be selfish, it means be true to yourself and do all you need to make sure your head is in the right place, because only then you can deal with your husband, and maybe even help him. But the fact remains, you should not be treated like this under any circumstances, it is not acceptable behavior. When I have told friends about the way my husband has spoken to me, they are usually horrified and said something like, 'if my husband talked to me like that, I would....etc, etc', and they are right, it should not be tolerated because it is not 'normal behaviour', but the point here is our husbands are not normal - they have a big problem. Our mistake was tolerating that behaviour in the first instance, for whatever reason, but more than likely due to our low opinion of ourselves, which is why it is so important to realise your own self worth. If you were listening to a good friend complaining about her angry husband, I'm sure you would be advising her not to put up with it. So once you've got your own head sorted, maybe you can start helping him with his. In my husbands case, he was not brought up by loving parents but by angry parents, who didn't correct him properly when he had tantrums, and used violence when their shouting didn't work. So my job has been to re-educate him and teach him how to be a caring and hopefully compassionate man. He knows I won't tolerate or react to his rants, as I, like you, don't give him the reaction he's looking for and eventually I hope it will get to the point where he will feel so ridiculous that he will stop altogether. Sometimes I find it hard not to laugh at him because he sounds like a 5 year old, and sometimes even he hasn't been able to keep a straight face! He also knows that I love him, and he does love me but his respect for me has also grown since I have not been tolerating his outbursts and setting boundaries - like you would a child. Non of this is easy, and I can't say that I've cracked it yet, but if you can get your husband to talk about why he's depressed and putting himself through all this angst, you may be able to get him to change and see the more positive side of life.

Ry 3 years ago

I have been with my spouse for 12 years. We had a child together when we were very young, but we weren't together as teens (because of military, school, college, etc...), but our daughter is now 16. I always thought that it was better because we had a couple years to grow a little, and I don't think we would have stayed together this long if we tried to work it out as kids. Anyway, we arent married. I have always been afraid to marry him. He is angry and bitter. I see him as disrespectful. He is not considerate to other people; myself, our child, or strangers for that matter. He is a very grumpy and nasty person. I don't know why. We literally have everything anyone could ever want. We want for nothing. We have had a beautiful life filled with vacations and luxuries. I AM NOT saying that money buys happiness. I know that it does not. The point is... what the hell is so angry about? I am a low maintenance spouse. I am self sufficient. I am loving, caring, honorable, dinner making, full time working, house cleaning, super person. My family has always eaten dinner together. I have passed on the traditions of my child hood into my family. We are normal people. No major issues. Just the hubby always yelling and complaining for no reason that I understand. It is explosive and happens without warning. Here's my point.... I STAYED in this relationship for all these years for our child. I THOUGHT I was doing the "right thing." I now know this: It was a mistake. My child has been damaged from the behavior of her own father. She now dates "projects" just like him. She acts just like him. It hurts me badly, and I feel responsible for her outbursts. She is more reasonable than her father. She knows it's not right to act out. She cries a lot because of him. She now has no respect for him and I cannot blame her. I am sad to report that as a woman in my early 30's I can no longer tolerate this un-necessary misery. We tried all the things mentioned. The subtle approach, the tough love approach, the therapy approach, the talking calmly, seriously, when he's not in bad mood approach. LITERALLY EVERYTHING. Ladies (and gents) it doesn't end. After all these years, and all the damage to my child, and the years I gave away hoping, dreaming that he would change if I just did this or that.... Never happened. I believe it is genetic. It cannot be changed. My spouse was brought up in the same turmoil I was brought up with (add a mentally ill parent to my mix). Im not hateful, disrespectful to people, or angry at the world. I wake up happy. I sing to myself every day. I am a happy person, and I want to be happy again. I can only achieve that by removing the un-happy from my life. After over a decade of trying and un-measurable emotional damage to my child... I have finally raised my white flag. My advice... if they can't change in the first 2 years MAX... get out as quickly as possible. Good luck all :)

sarab45 3 years ago

I really like the author's tips for a mindset and techniques. And I like the fact it's written by a man. HOW did you come this far, I wonder?! What was your path to realizing all of this?

I have been with my husband for three years, married for 5 months. His anger has always been there, set off by minor things, like others have said. He varies in his self-insight. Usually never in the moment, but later. But it feels like the insight doesn't help much because there's always another incident. We sometimes make small strides, but then regress again. The things that have helped us was: 1) a group communication class for couples (6 weeks) and the tools we got from it. We don't always USE the tools in the moment, but it's a useful workbook to refer back to. However, it wasn't enough. I wish we could keep going for part 2. I asked him to go to couples counseling but he won't. I think he's afraid they will tell us there is no answer or we're not meant for each other (which neither of us would agree with!).

I did realize, fairly early in, that I cannot control him, only how much it affect me and how I react. What helps us a lot is: 2) catching it in the very beginning, at the first change in tone, and we agree on a time out. At first I thought that was avoiding it (I was brought up in a very communicative family) but I have realized this is the only way to save our souls from further hurtful remarks in the moment. This is from the class. They say it's easier to catch yourself at a 3 out of 10 for anger, than it is to stop yourself at a 9 out of 10 for anger. So catch it early and agree not to talk for at least 30 minutes. Just say something like "I'm getting too angry and need a time out." I actually say it when I think HE'S getting too angry, but it works either way because it is actually making me angry too (and makes me want to say hurtful things back). He might try to get one more remark in after I ask for the time out (he usually says "that's because you know I'm right," but just ignore it and separate into different rooms.

The other thing that has helped me is to go to individual therapy. I have gone to therapy in the past and consider myself fairly "emotionally healthy" but I told myself that I could always learn better ways to not let our argurments affect me. Like someone else said, it can affect me for days after, and he can just flip a switch and forget about the whole thing (so unfair!). How do I nurture myself in the moment so it doesn't scar me so much? (since he won't agree to couples therapy). I think the fact that I'm going shows him how important it is to me that things need to change and how willing I am to work on things, and take 50% of the responsibility. The turning point to going was when I started using hurtful remarks to get back at him in the moment, since I felt like he didn't "get" how hurt I was unless I lashed back at him. But like another person said, that's not me and that's not who I want to be.

Therapy has helped in many ways I did not imagine. I get to vent for 50 minutes every week and just have someone listen and understand me! I'm too embarrassed to tell most of my friends how he really is in those big fights, so having a non judgmental, confidential person has helped a ton! It also gives me hope because she reflects on progress that we have made that I sometimes overlook.

Another thing I'm hoping will help is a book on "Self Compassion" by Kristin Neff. I don't know if I can get him to read it, but my therapist friend recommended it for anyone who gets angry or who was raised without appropriate space to have and express their feelings (which is why I think my husband's anger gets so escalated over little things).

The other thing his anger makes me think of is actually two things. Is he really depressed inside and this is how it's coming out? I know he feels pressure to succeed and that he's never good enough and there is a void. He really wants kids but I'm afraid he just wants to try to fill the void with them and I definitely don't want to raise kids in this environment (hopefully that will be motivation to change when I tell him).

The other thing I wonder about is how drugs interact. He drinks here and there, not to the point of drunk. He also smokes weed, which I'm ok with. And sometimes uses pain pills for his chronic pain. I'm just wondering if the timing of his arguments are linked to him withdrawing or coming down and getting irritable. I have tried to talk to him about his use in general terms (like just be open about when you are going to take something, and then it won't be a secret and I won't care) but even that launched us into a huge argument when he almost ended the relationship, which I think is a red flag in and of itself.

I do think we need couples counseling if we'll ever be ready for kids, but I think he needs to work on himself too. He has changed a lot here and there, we both have taken steps to make it easier and more loving for one another, but it feels unpredictable on which day we will use those skills and which days they get thrown out the window.

I can say this blog is the first I have read (and commented on) and it helps a lot to know I'm not alone! I wish there was a group or something where we could get together and support each other and brainstorm :-)

Thanks so much, tadasland!

tadasland profile image

tadasland 3 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

All of you ladies that have commented here are incredibly brave and most importantly - conscious about your predicament. I think we would all agree that in order for you to have lasting relief would be for the guys to pull their trousers up and get some help via counseling and a good program that can rewire their habits. Anger is nothing but a habitual response, it's a lack of skill to respond any other way. Just like some you said here, wanting to change is not nearly the same same as MAKING the change. If you will, imagine you are train conductor of a fast train. You see to your left large have and dark woods and to your right a beautiful open meadow. You know you'd rather ride via a beautiful scenery and really want to go right towards the meadow but the train tracks have no choice but to steer the train towards the dark woods. This is how our brains work. This is why its so hard to will yourself to act other than angry.

My experience shows men can very much relate to research about the brain. If they learn how the brain works, what amygdala does, what is the function of pre-frontal cortex it empowers them because they see a solution. I write about this on my but been so busy I haven't updated it for a while. However, I'm working on a short e-book and will explain these things better.

Those of you that can afford therapy you must absolutely go for it. You can see from SARAB45's example that it is very helpful. Those of you who have no access to therapy must seek out not only compassionate but most importantly - wise person to lean on. Confiding in someone is very powerful as it allows one to organize one's thoughts and express pent up feelings which is extremely therapeutic in its nature. Many times you'll find some answers in you before the other person will even open their mouth.

No you're not alone ladies, you would probably be shocked and not feel so embarrassed about your husband's anger if you knew the scope of the problem around the globe. A sheer amount of daily pressure, mind numbing drugs and lack of culture of mental health makes anger an epidemic. You must find ways to educate and empower yourselves on how to deal with this. If you don't have a support group around you then start one. Invite professionals to share their knowledge, hug each other, hold hands, whatever it takes! Let's stay in touch.

LollyA 3 years ago

Hi Tadasland, I too have found Sarab45's helpful, it seems our situations are very similar indeed. So much of what you have said, Sarab45, rings true with me, as I can say I have experienced, thought or felt exactly the same. In particular the 'fighting back', saying really hurtful things I would never have thought I was capable of, has become a real turning point for me. I am horrified at the way I have reacted recently. So this, along with the sense in self nurturing, I too have considered going to see a counsellor, and so reading your comments is making me think that now is as good a time as any. It's also taking me longer to recover from the aftermath of a bust-up and so I feel like I need to be able to deal with the situations better when they arise. As you say, nipping it in the bud at the starting point is the key, which isn't always easy, especially when it's late and you're tired. But I do feel encouraged that there's someone else who is in the same place as me.

A group meeting would be ideal, but I have a feeling there are a fair few miles between us so thanks to Tadasland and the web, all things are possible. It's always good to talk.

writeframeofmind 3 years ago

Okay ladies. Here's my point of view with dealing with an angry man. If he constanty flips out on the smallest issue, You need to put him in check. You as a woman should not have to put up with his anger towards you. You should be treat with respect rather than being disrespected. Yes for us men we have our times where we can snap about almost anything but that can also happen to you women as well. Not feeling well, not in the mood, stress from work and kids and so on. So If you are dealing with a angry man, You need to tell it like it is or just leave without hesitation before he really do something drastic to you.

LongTimeMother profile image

LongTimeMother 3 years ago from Australia

I respect each and every one of you who tries so hard to keep the peace and do the right thing, but sadly we don't have the power to write a script that makes everything better.

Being with someone you love shouldn't be so hard. If your partner is incapable of giving you the love and support and peace in your home that you deserve, then I suggest they're not the best partner for you.

I know how hard it is to leave someone you've bought a house with, had a child with, planned a future with ... but I also know how hard it is to live in an imperfect relationship. When I left my ex over 20 years ago I was convinced that I was walking away from my life partner.

I wasn't. I found the perfect man quite by accident and have been so incredibly happy ever since. The only arguments we ever have are about things as ridiculous as who gets the biggest piece of the pie. I insist he should have it, and he insists I should have it. Every argument ends with laughter and a kiss. We live to make each other happy.

There's no way in a million years I would have imagined life could be this good. I often wonder why I didn't leave my ex years earlier. For some stupid reason I thought I owed it to him to try and help him see how good we had it and to help him find inner happiness. All I did was sacrifice my own happiness.

I urge every one of you to talk to your families and talk to your friends and tell them how things really are. Reach out to them for advice and assistance. If you can't see any hope of real improvement you're going to need their help as you make the transition to the next stage in your life. Good luck to all of you.

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janshares 3 years ago from Washington, DC

Excellent article, great suggestions! Thanks for writing this and helping a lot of couples. Voted up and useful.

Danimal713 profile image

Danimal713 3 years ago from New Lenox, Illinois

Great article, but if I may ...

There have been several times where I found myself angry over something that had nothing to do with my wife and after walking in the door, I try to vent and get it off of my mind instead of holding it in. However, with the feelings being right there on the surface, I start to get loud and yell. I am not mad at her yet, I am just trying to vent and release the frustration. But she begins to think that because I am getting louder and louder, that I am yelling at her. This is not the case, but the emotions are running so high that she starts to get offended and reacts to my anger.

If I am already in a bad mood and dealing with something and she react s to my anger, this just intensifies the situation and creates another spoke of anger. My advice to couples, learn to recognize venting from directed anger. If she listens and lets me vent then the whole situation will begin to resolve itself on its own. But if she begins to react negatively to my anger, the situation is almost guaranteed to escalate and result in an argument.

Thanks for sharing this article.

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LoisRyan13903 3 years ago from Upstate NY originally from Long Island

This si a great article. My husband get angry at times. Mostly it is not with me but when something goes wrong in general-like when his computer is not working right or when bills come due. It is best to go in another romm and do something until he calms down

Insightful Tiger profile image

Insightful Tiger 3 years ago

Great article, suggestions and comments. Voted up and shared.

VetWife7 3 years ago

Thank you tadasland - I needed to read this and the comments. Keeping to myself and finding my own activities is good for me - yet, I know it tends to isolate him. I'm working on some kind of balance.

sarab45 3 years ago

I love hearing everyone's responses and knowing I'm not alone and that others may be having that feeling from what I'm writing as well. I'm thinking more about the book Self Compassion, even though I just started it. It talks about how critical and judgmental of ourselves we are. But there are some who are more critical, like those who received a lot of criticism growing up (which turns into anger towards others later). And how they are so critical that they also judge their partners with that same harshness, so no matter what, nothing is good enough. That's what I think is happening with my husband because it can be big or little, but he always finds something I did do and "should not have," or did not do but "should have."

I'm also wondering what other traits are associated with his anger. I was surprised to see how much we all have in common. Does anyone else have a husband who thinks they are cheating on him? He gets paranoid about one coworker who does not have a good track record, yet he will not believe me when I tell him the honest truth. I think it's drawing from his issues of not feeling good enough. We recently had a big talk (fight, but actually turned into a huge communication opportunity) and he admitted he wants to feel more like a priority. Well I don't know how to do more than I do, and why he doesn't feel that way already. I think if received his self worth (or self compassion, better yet) from himself, he wouldn't lean so heavily on me building him up all the time. I'm a nurturing person so I am shocked to hear I'm not taking "good enough" care of him, when really I think he doesn't feel good enough about himself no matter what I do, then blames it on me.

Well. just venting... anyone have similar issues?

LongTimeMother profile image

LongTimeMother 3 years ago from Australia

Hi sarab45. I read this and your earlier comment and, to be honest, it sounds like you are trying everything that is humanly possible to make your husband happy. But it sounds like whatever you do is never going to be good enough. That is extremely sad, especially so early in your marriage.

The thing that strikes me most about your experience is that you are paying a therapist to listen to you, and that seems to be your only real opportunity to speak honestly and be listened to in the way that you need.

I really think you should be talking to at least one of your friends, and speaking honestly with your family. I understand how hard it must be to admit that your marriage is not as happy as you would like it to be, but you are not doing yourself any favours if you keep this to yourself. You need to be able to share your experiences with people who love you. Don't let yourself become less trusting of your friends and family. That's what your husband probably wants. He's trying to control you, sadly. And I don't like to think that he's going to succeed in stopping you from communicating with your loved ones.

You shouldn't have to do any more than you already do. You shouldn't accept the blame when he' s not happy. And you shouldn't put up with it if he doesn't believe you when you tell him the honest truth. This doesn't sound like the man you want to have children with. How much more complicated will it all become if he treats your future children the same way he treats you?

Talk to your friends and family, please. You need their support.

(Of course keep talking to your friends here, as well!) :)

LollyA 3 years ago

Hi Sarab45,

My husband has actually admitted that one reason for not wanting children is because he wouldn't be centre of attention any more. At the time, it was said slightly 'tongue in cheek', but there was definitely an element of truth in it. We notice that his behaviour goes downhill when he feels like he's in danger of losing me, which is a dangerous place to be, as the worse his behaviour gets, the more I feel like I've had enough, so I try to nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand. He is very needy and demanding, and I too believe the issues are to do with his self esteem and being brought up in a house where there was constant criticism. I try to get him to talk about this as much as possible, for us both to understand this neediness in him and almost to talk it out of himself.

Talking about your feelings and issues has to be one of the best ways of dealing with problems like 'ours', that way 'we' can help ourselves understand the real problem and how to deal with it. I talk to friends and family about my situation, and they listen and understand , as they know how there is no 'perfect' relationship and we all have our issues. There are no guaranteed remedies or solutions to the issues we talk about, only a state of mind that helps - compassion, not only for your other half but for yourself too. There's no reason for you to accept any of his anger or blame, they are his issues, but advice such as, 'get out, leave now, there's no hope', aren't things you want to hear, only you will know when you've done your best, tried your hardest and have had enough to want to walk away.

On a more positive note, what seems to be keeping your relationship together is the love you have for each other and your hope that things will be better in the future, surviving with your relationship intact.

You could well be the role model your husband never had, not to mention the best thing that's ever happened to him, so lead by example.

minty 3 years ago

am married 28 years and im super afraid of my angry husband.I have grown up kids and my hub still flips over small things and if he has had a bad day...he'll make sure i get to know about it..and i get the blame for something he has overlooked...then comes the silent treatment for days..and NO ..leaving him is NOT an option..I come from a different background..I am agreeing with whatever he keep the peace.He has told me im selfish (yes i am) hes told me im immature (yes i am) hes told me im demanding ( yes i am) hes told me i mustnt think im anyone special...yes KEEP THE PEACE...

Theresa 3 years ago

Hi, I'm in a common-law relationship of 8 years. I have 3 kids, 2 of them live with us. He has 3 kids who are all grown and moved out. We split up about 5 years ago, due to anger problems, went to counselling, reconciled, and once I moved back in, the counselling and self-work went out the window. We are now back to that same situation again. I'm being blamed for his misery, unhappiness, anything wrong in his life. He takes no responsibility for any of his anger and I bear the full brunt of it. His kids have never had to be respectful either, he's recently admitted that he felt bad for them also treating me poorly, but feared they wouldn't want to visit him anymore if he dared to speak up and stand up for me. I get yelled at, called names, he'll throw a tempter tantrum and move all his stuff from our room to the spare bedroom in the basement, then after a few days move it back. I know I can't change him, or make him want to change, but how can I possibly convey to him so he understands that I am not the source of all his problems? I'm not the source of all that should be right in his world either. I try to tell him that it's his choice to be miserable or happy, or angry, and he doesn't have to be so negative. I'm at my wits end, we are getting lawyers and beginning the process again to separate, I just fear that he will once again, seek counselling AFTER I leave, have an epiphany, and seek reconciliation, that's just too late, I need him to do it now before I'm gone again. I am going to a counsellor now myself, she is helping me hopefully keep some self esteem, which is really hard to do right now. Is there such thing as an anger management intervention?

WorriedHolly 3 years ago

Hello.. I need help. I don't know how to best help my husband. He has BIG rage issues, sometimes yelling horrible things at me, sometimes yelling at the pets (threatening to kill them) or ripping up or breaking things. Road rage is awful! One time I counted the cuss words and it was 43 times between stoplights. He has threatened suicide, says he is worthless, tells me he is a waste of space and wishes I could buy him a lobotomy. He is HUGE on what is fair/unfair and anything unfair or unjust sends him over the edge. He is not able to let go of things and can tell you every wrong ever done to him and will tell me he wants yo kill those people that have wronged him. He also has small trait that I feel are important.... He smells his fingers a lot and keeps adjusting his shirt, especially when he is angry. He also count his fingers a lot... He counts on one hand by 2s everyday quite often. When he is not having an episode he is a wonderful, loving husband. Please help?

tadasland profile image

tadasland 3 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Ladies, it is truly wonderful you take the time to share your experiences and encourage one another here; this is more meaningful than any advice I can offer myself. Its is admirable that most of you still share deep connection and compassion to your men, even when they act rotten. Deep inside you must sense the behavior they exhibit toward you and others does not represent who they really are inside as human beings. Angry people suffer and unfortunately they spread that suffering to people around them like wild fire, leaving charred relationships behind them.

Nobody truly wants to suffer but unfortunately angry people tend to think they can't help but to be angry, they see no escape from their suffering. This is due to the myriad of reasons but one is that they lack of encouragement and hope that it is possible to change.

When faced in injustice, many times men should learn to be sad instead of angry. However, we, men, are conditioned to see sadness as a weakness so we anger instead. We anger from desperation, from a lack of courage to feel and be vulnerable.

In my humble opinion, you can not help your husbands if they don't want to be helped. If they are blinded by their egos and have no will to change then the only relief you can seek is change something yourself. Like some of you said, if all hope all is lost, then best is to live separately to avoid future misery but if that is not an option then see if you can establish a network of support, gain knowledge about the nature of suffering and learn how to firewall yourselves from your husband's anger. You take too much responsibility upon yourself if you are trying to make your husband less angry, IT IS NOT YOURS TO BEAR! Your husband's anger is his issue, and only his to solve. At least take comfort that it really is not your fault he is like this, he may blame you but I wouldn't allow it to get under my skin. Much strength and courage to you, it is for women like you that this world is a better place. I make wishes for all of your suffering to ease. Warmest wishes, Tadas.

coco26 3 years ago

hello, im married for 6 years and feel there is never any satisfaction or happiness i tend to find that angry men take out there anger on there spouse than any other person, my son was born premature cause of my husband never please him i do work for my sons canteen and now by the way is 6 years and my daughter whom is 2 and a half.

my son was always in and out of hospital and is having anxiety problems at school and my husband has no patience whatsoever $6 i can't talk and give him my oppinion i have to contol my husbands business and pick up the cheques and my son football and cooking and the cleaning and uni.

Im just lost i can't win when my son doesn't listen to my husband he doesn't count to 10 he just pulls his ear and embarrases him in front of the kids. My problem is that i don't want my son to grow up like his father im always in the middle talking to him and explaining what is right and wrong. please help my husband wont change and sick of arguing cause i don't win and then we will throw words at each other and it escalades to a point where he hits, slaps or eventually slaps, in the end of the night i try and ignore him and then hell come up to me and say "u made me do this u know i love you when i say stop just stop."

im so worried for my son ive came to a point where i don't knpw what to do.

shweta 3 years ago

My husband gets angry more often no doubt he realizes his fault next day.But he abuses me and my family more often when he gets angry.I have warned him a number of times.But he does the same mistakes again n again.Please suggest me what should i do.

YcvK 3 years ago

Wow I'm not alone but I am alone. I love my husband but as many of have said, he is an angry person. I think he is depressed and I know he is going through a difficult time but does that warrant his anger on the family?

He gets angry when things don't go his way. He has no patience for my son who has ADHD. My son is a challenge but I believe he needs our patience and support. My husband doesn't see that and constantly gets angry with him. I don't know what to do because I do love him. But I also love my son and do not want him to have lasting ill effects from my husband's anger. It hurts me to be in this situation.

Freelady 3 years ago

I would like to know how to handle my husbands anger? He is a pack rat he saves everything...he has started to put every thing but the kitchen sink in drawers all over the house. He won't let me throw any thing out. We live in 2 bedroom mobile, and I have to find places to put things. He got mad because he couldn't't find a bill that wasn't in his bill pay bin. He probably paid it but he accused me of throwing it out. I filed some of his bills in folders so I can bring them to him when he gets this way. I am not the one to be messy. When I get what he wants he said that's not what I'm looking for. I am just trying to be organized. I try to tell him so he can find what he is looking for. I am sick over this because this has happened more that once. Should I leave his stuff alone or start throwing things out? If I leave is stuff alone, it will still build up all over the place. Please advise me what I can do?

james 3 years ago

i am that man. i get so angry and flare up over small things, i can then say very hurtful things to my wife, i go completely overboard. i am fully aware that i do this and hate myself for it, its like someone else totally takes over me, my head just boils, i get so fired up.

i have also been treated for mid - moderate depression twice in my life. i was brought up in a very loving family. i was extremely mothered up until my late teens / early twenties. i first noticed my aggression when i was around 15, around puberty i guess. i used to give my best friend such a hard time, shouting at him and throwing him around, i am not and never will be physically abusive to my wife, its just not in me, ive never hit a woman, im 38years old btw.

i am an EXRREMELY analytical person, i have tried psychotherapy a few times but got extremely frustrated with them, theres a lot of people out there that think they are a therapist after doing a 1 year course... ridiculous. i can't afford to go to the good ones.

i hate myself for being like this and i just spiral down and feel pissed off and depressed thinking about it. i also look at women like sex objects, i stare at woman and their bits all the time, it is just amazing how their shapes, curves just drive me crazy. i wish i didn't stare at them so much and look at them like sex objects, im wondering if its because i watch a fair amount of porn, but all guys do that right? do the guys reading this all stare at women much? do you stare at their vaginas? or just boobs and bum, i have a fascination with how the vagina looks in spandex, it drives me absolutely crazy and i find it almost impossible not to look when its tight.. im sorry, i don't mean to be crude, i really don't, im just desperate for help, or at least for someone to relate to how i am, as im pretty sure my wife notices. i was masterbating regularly from a very early age, around 7, unfortunately i heard my parents having sex a lot, i absolutely hated it.

i have tried stopping watching porn but in the end, after a few days i just think, foget it, its healthy, every young man does it.

i am a one woman man, i love my wife and i am extremely attracted to her. i will never go behind her back. i just so much want to make her happy, i wish i could just erase.

so that me... and i hate it. i wish i could delete everything about me. i grew up in a crowd that wanted to be "different" but now im scarred by it, cos everything i am asked to do, or expected to say, or act, i want to rebel and do the opossite... i just want to be normal, im so worried im killing my relationship, my wife is such a happy person by nature and im worried im scarring her. we constantly bicker over the most stupid trivial things and we go off to different rooms. we never go out, i work from home so im like a recluse, i dislike being social, i hate having to small talk, i can't stand it. i don't want to be social but i do at the same time, i envy chatty people, my head just completely over analyses everything, its driving me mad, i never do, or buy anything unless i know it will be done 100% right, or its the cheapest possible price, i will spend hours or even days doing this..

i want to be rewired!!!!!!! help!!!!!

Lady 3 years ago

You have missed the point. It's not about anger management. These guys can control their anger when it's important, like the police are at the door. It's about power and control over another person. These guys get high from making you cry or cringe. When you challenge this kind of person, you might get a violent reaction because they sense they are losing control over you. So let's put the blame where it belongs, not on the victim who has not control over the bully.

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tadasland 3 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

James, thank you for such a brutally honest and sincere write up of your experiences. Being analytical in nature is a character trait like all others and doesn't make us either better or worse than others, however it requires us to balance this quality out with something more from the repertoire from the heart center. Meaning, in my experience, our actions are much more rounded and beneficial to others when they come from a balance of good critical thinking and compassionate heart. If there's too much of any of the two, things get messy and confusing. Hating yourself could be just a by-product of not knowing or having the skills to balance yourself out but hate as you can feel is not productive so I would invite you to practice feeling compassion for yourself, your condition and also the predicament of all others that are in your shoes. Trust your heart - there are billions of people who go or have gone through what you're going. Do you like reading books? Perhaps you could pick one up for the heart and not the mind. Find ways to warm your heart and you'll find change and relief much sooner than you think.

One piece of advice as man to man - sex in general but especially masturbation (MB) is extremely taxing on the male energy system. We literally, waste an astounding amount of creative life energy (in eastern wisdom traditions knows as "chi" or "prana"). Read more about it online or in good books. MP drains men of the emotional surplus that is needed to be patient and kind. I am very serious about this and will write more in my book but this a HUGE issue for men. Always remember that lust gives birth to more lust, the more you watch porn the more your brain demands the same high. The more you satisfy the desire the more you'll have it. It’s just how it works. I am not suggesting abstaining completely, I know how difficult this can be when you work from home but try to taper it off. Even when you watch porn try not to pleasure yourself, simply look and watch your mind, observe your body's chemistry, try to notice where the feelings and sensation are rising from. If you abstain once or twice you'll notice those feelings will dissipate naturally after a while (after you stop watching of course) and then you'll learn that its not always necessary to satisfy the urge, and you'll feel even better later as you retain your emotional balance. Anyway, this is a big topic; keep an eye on the blog for more info down the road. Stay upbeat; there is nothing that you can not solve. You know it yourself; your lady and you deserve a better quality of life than you have now.

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tadasland 3 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

I believe its YES and NO. They may have control over anger per se but not over their pride or sense of insecurity. Anger is merely a symptom, an outcome of that.

Jen 3 years ago

My husband is nicknamed "grumpy" and has been throughout his whole life. He is now in his mid 60s. He drinks everyday and seems to be getting angrier.... he has a drinking problem but will not admit, if we go out for the night say to a concert where there is no alcohol, when we get home and it doesn't matter how late - he has to have a beer before he goes to bed. I am always in the wrong and if I try to defend myself or explain myself he yells very loud and bullies me to shut up. He shakes his head and says things under his breath.... it is getting to the point where I cannot stand it anymore and I'm looking for a better life one without anger. I grew up one of 9 children and our father was an abusive alcoholic. There is really nothing I can do to rectify this situation.... the only thing to do is shut up and accept the abuse and fault for everything...... or move out..... I have told him he need to attend anger management classes - but he doesn't think so. This may be trivial but he forgets my birthday and wedding anniversary which are on the same day.... I'm just fed up....

Sam 3 years ago

I got married a month ago and it has been the longest and most shocking month ever. My husband can be amazing, ever loving, tentative etc. But when he gets angry or if I make him angry : He thought I lost his charger, I don't put off lights when I walk out the room, if I leave the cell phone charger plugged in, if I leave the readio on while I am not in the room, if I put a roll in the oven to warm it up, if my dog upsets him, I left my wedding ring at home yesterday - world war three occurs. He'll sms me me the most ugliest things, I'll come home to the worst atmosphere ever. He won't talk to me. Won't say good night. He is a financial director of a company and his finances are always in order. I earn a lot less than him and unfortunatlry my skills with money are not as great with money as they should be. I came into themarriage with some debt, which I feel awful about and have apologised for it. I didn't mention another credit card, not on purpose - I just didn't. And I know it was wrong and I have apologised for that over and over again. But he now thinks I am a liar and deceitful. It feels like he punishes me for it all the time and will bring it up all the time. Sometimes I feel as if he doesn't even like me. And regrets marrying me. I have a dog that I love dearly. She has been my companion since my previous divorce - my ex husband left me because he has bipolar and marriage sent him into physchotic epoisodes as he was afraid of having to look out for someone other than himself. Even though he was psychotoc and often believed he was God or the Devil - not once did he raise his voice to me or call me names. Now in one month I feel as if I have just been broken. Back to my dog - she used to sleep on my bed, lie on the couch with me etc etc. He was horrified - dogs should be outside. We have compromised and she sleeps on the floor in the bedroom. He agreed that she can be inside if we or the maid are home and outside if we are not. I was happy with this. Especially in the cold, winter days when it is cold and we are at work. Now I find out he told the maid not to let the dog in during the day - even if it is raining.

I don't want another divorce, I want this marriage to work - I think I just need some tools to make it throught each day. What you wrote gave me a lot of hope and skills - especially when you wrote about leaving him while he is angry. Gave me hope that this too will pass.

raavi 17 3 years ago

hi.. feeling so better after reading this.. I request u to pls help me out with my marriage.. we got married 3 yrs back and have a son. The problem is same as my husband gets angry on me for small things. I feel like anything wrong happening to anybody, iam being blamed. He knows he gets angry on small issues but he thinks that he cannot change his nature. He wants to do each and everything perfectly and expects me to do the same. He won't appreciate the things I am trying to do, but will shout on things not done. He look on negative things first rather than positive and when I try to tell him the other way he says that he is practical. I have starting doing so much of work(which I never use to do before marriage), but at the end of the day, what I get is shouting.. Sometimes I use to take things in humor way, but when for every small thing iam blamed, I feel terrible. I feel like my tolerance power is going towards zero level.. and anytime it can just burst. I cry almost daily and I don't feel like discussing these matters with anybody. and if by chance I cry in front of him, he becomes more angry. Issues are same, I know it is because of his parents are that way. When we go to their place, situation becomes worse, and I don't want my son to be like that. And for the little son's anger also, iam blamed as I love my 2 yr son and don't make him disciplined(according to my in laws). My husband is like his own mother (anger), but he doesn't like his mother nor mother like his son's anger, but both are doing the same thing. I am fed up now with myself crying alone and he is never there for me when I need him. I miss my parents a lot... feel like pressing a rewind button for my life. when I am with my parents, I feel so relaxed, as they are there with me and take care of me. but when my husband is around me and my son, I avoid conversation nowadays, because he gets excited for small issues also. Please help me to control his anger... when he feels like he cannot change his nature.. Please suggest me to make our relationship work.

courtney 3 years ago

Hi my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years and have been living together for almost 2. We are a young couple (he is 26 and im 23) so I know we have a lot to learn. He grew up with a very abusive father and saw him get physical with his mom on a regular basis. He has not seen or spoken to his father in almost 3 years. His birthday was last month and he got the cold shoulder from his entire family which has never happened before. Since his birthday he hasn't really heard from his family at all which is not a normal thing since we've been together. I think his family issues have a lot to do with his anger. Although he has never laid a hand on me he g0t very close today he got in my face and threatened to slap me. This was all over me getting upset with him this morning with the way he disciplined one of our dogs. I blame myself A lot which I know isn't the right thing to do. As soon as I got upset with him over it he blew up I then apologized and said I just think you take it too far. We were fine then I went to work and when I came home on my lunch break he proceeded to discipline our other dog in a way I didn't agree with. He then blew up which caused me to start acting very irrationally. I admit I too am a hot head and a lot of times when he gets angry I do too and I don't diffuse the situation I only make it worse by almost agging him on. It was after I continued to add fuel to the fire that he threatened to slap me and got in my face like he was about to. He told me to leave him alone several times and I don't know what comes over me but I get angrier which I know isn't healthy. We have only lived at our current place for a month now and he has already told me twice that I make him miserable and he wants to break the lease and end things between us. Usually what happens is after he cools off for a few hours I give in and apologize and take the blame for everything and we are eventually ok. This time was different. Im at a complete loss and don't know what to do anymore. I love him with everything I have and want to spend the rest of my life with him but can't keep going on like this. When he is not angry he is sweet, loving, and so easy to talk to. He is my best friend. He won't go to counseling because he has been before and says it doesn't work. He also proceeded to tell me that I don't know what its like to have my family not care about me when I have had plenty of my own family issues since we have been together that he is well aware of. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Tor S 3 years ago

Thank you all for sharing your lives; it has given me some comfort to know I am not alone. I feel alone and hurt everyday, and with my 3 beautiful kids getting caught in the crossfire, I am terrified hat they will learn or learn to tolerate this behavior. I love my husband and he says he lives me, but his actions say otherwise. I am lost and so embarrassed by the way he acts, even in public now, but have no one to talk to about it. I think after reading some of your accounts, I will start counseling myself so I can get in a better place myself to deal with him. It's just so disheartening to live with a man who has no regard for my feelings. *sigh*

Mae 3 years ago

I stumbled upon this article and all of these wonderful comments after yet another angry phone call from my husband (he's at work and still no rest for the wicked!). I would like to start by saying that it is the most incredible relief to sit here with my cuppa and read all of the comments, realising and understanding that I am not alone.

First of all, I love my husband. I love him more than I ever thought was possible and I would never intentionally hurt him or make him feel embarrassed or ashamed. He is a generous man with a big heart and he's not afraid to cry, but his anger is a problem. It's a big, ugly, black cloud that follows us around 24/7...

Like so many of the comments above, it mostly seems to be stupid, petty, meaningless cr*p that he gets upset about. He shouts if he can't find something and accuses me of moving it (I NEVER move his stuff - I know better!). He gets CRAZY angry when people stick up for me. Then he waits until we are alone and tells me how angry it made him that someone stuck up for me. But I think the problem is that people see him as a bully. They stick up for me because a bully loses their voice in a crowd. Even his own brother sticks up for me instead of him and it drives him mad. When he gets REALLY angry he calls me some absolutely shocking names - "parasite", "Lazy Bitch" (I am the LEAST lazy person you are ever likely to meet in your lifetime!), "F*****g Retarded Bitch" etc, etc. I am far too frightened to call him any of these names, it would just cause more trouble than I can verbalise. He has hit me on two occasions (the second time was only three weeks after I had had major abdominal surgery) but he hits like a girl and he's never really caused me pain through hitting.

I was (until very recently) extremely patient and tolerant of his temper tantrums, but since giving birth to his twin daughters I take far less crap than I used to. I do not want my family to be raised in an environment where its normal for dad to scream and shout at mum. It's not normal, so I challenge his behaviour and so far (touch wood) he has responded well to my new found strength. We still exchange angry words sometimes, but the fact that i stick up for myself means he has to put more effort into having the final say and this discourages him from trying.

I have thought many times about leaving him and starting again with my children but I haven't left for three reasons;

1) We have a family and for the most part, we are a happy family. Therefor, we should try to make it the best it can be.

2) I am afraid of hurting him because his anger will rule his head and he will make my life a misery.

3) I genuinely love him to his bones and if I give up on him before I have exhausted all options then I know that I will always regret it.

Your article made me look at anger from a man's point of view - GENIUS idea. So many other sites offer different advice on how to handle it but I have found yours far superior to anything else that I have read. As soon as you said "Look at it as a baby's cry" it struck a chord - a lightbulb came on! Of Course! Why the hell hadn't I thought of that before?! I don't feel hurt or upset when my babies are screaming their heads off, I know it's because something is wrong and they need my comfort and support - there's no reason why I can't apply the same attitude towards my husband. I am going to use so much of what you have written here and perhaps even report back in a couple of months to let you know how it's going!

Thank you again for such a great article, it really has inspired me to stop whining to my sister and be much more pro-active instead!

myposhe 3 years ago

I have married for 5yrs n with 3 kids the last kid just 2wks. My husband i never knew had anger issues though we did argue time to time but after our 2nd child which i have to resign from work n take care of the kids. We started together from scratch though i had a lot of stuff already but never cared so to stop working i wasn't happy but i had to help him as he was one of those guys who never took anything serious and he had just applied for promotion on my advice, he got it n again i wasn't working but all time looking thru jobs n if i see anything interestin for him i convence him to apply n now he is with a big company. Off all this he takes me for granted, doesn't appreciate n if i talk to him about it he doesn't go off upset saying i dnt appreciate him of all he's doing. Talk angryly,insults, etc. I am not a person who spends or go out. So i dnt even ask him for money its been 2 years now i stopped working and all time am being blamed for his anger, blame for anything that goes wrong even gets blamed for asking him to take paternity leave early cos i've giving birth. He wants to take it when he feels right.

He doesn't help me in or outside the house am still doing all 3 kids even after just 2wks of birth. I ask for help hey am doing too much am tired i go to work u sit at home n still expt me to do things. Is like anything i say or do triggers somethings in him to get angry.

But now i have decided to do wat i xan, not to respond to his anger, not to tolerate his behaviour anymore.

He can talk,insults n even make me feel so useless staying at home n not contributing money wise. His anger is unbelievable if one see him so i can't even discuss it with my church Reverend cos though he's all he think he is now but can't bring myself telling anyone so they see him differently from what they do now. Now my problem is doesn't even see what he is doing. The all of a sudden anger for for any small matter.

Trojon Horse 3 years ago

Hi, I've been married to my husband for 42yrs. Imagine that! I'm six years younger. I have tolerated his behaviour too long but think it will just carry on. He's quite perfect in most ways except he starts shouting if there's the tiniest thing needing attending to. He has many problems, and sometimes they are all brought on by himself or just simply the system he resents with a passion. The red tape most of us have to put up with these days. Just day to day things like waiting ages to get put through after you've been put on hold. Silly things. But because of this, I get to receive the brunt of it so if I ask anything that might involve a solution it usually ends up with him shouting and making me feel like it's my fault in the first place. I've told him several times I don't need him to shout. He always says he's not shouting at me. But.. there's only me there when it happens. I'm fed up and he usually says sorry then he's great for a couple of days then... back again at the starting line. What to do? It sometimes helps for me to feel sorry for him but that's no way, having no respect isn't a good foundation for a happy marriage. What's wrong with him? Well, he hurt his shoulder 18 months ago, had a bad cough for 6 months, has no home of his own - it's shared with his son. He's mostly impotent. Yes, we went to marriage guidance 3 yrs ago - didn't really help. Counsillor just said I should treat it like a bereavement - I ask you! The other side is: he really does care, and seems on the whole like someone in control but every month that passes, he feels he is failing in whatever he touches. I just get tearful when I'm alone, I share it with my family and it helps. Silly man, he will be the one to lose so why can't he see that?

angelcopter 3 years ago

(first of all i apologize if this is a bit scattered) hi i'v been married to my husband for almost 4 years. he doesn't speak to his father he says he was a controlling man who didn't care about anyone elses feelings which i think is the beginning of his problem. he was married briefly before we met he doesn't talk about her very much but from what he and others have said she was a very condescending cruel and angry woman who mistreated him. with all that its not surprising to me at all that he blows up at the slightest provocation. it seems to me that most of the time he feels like i think he is stupid (which is irritating since i have only ever tried to uplift him and i feel i'm am being punished for the actions of his ex-wife and father) but i do try to be a big person and not react badly to him. i have heard him many times tell people when they ask if its hard to be married to me since i'm so much younger (we have a good bit of an age difference between us) "no most of the time she has been the one to work at things and be the bigger person" the problem is i have noticed lately i have become rather moody i find myself glaring or snapping at him and i realized i am sick of having to be the bigger person and being scared that any minute he may start yelling at me and sometimes i have no idea why. i love hime dearly but there are moments when i sit and stare at him and say to myself "you love him you really really love him just remember why you love him" he wasn't this bad when we got married he was fun to be around he laughed and we enjoyed all the little things just working together in the yard stuff like that but he has been dealing with a lot of stress and drama at work and it has stolen his smile i don't know how to help him but i desperately want to...

Beth 3 years ago

Remember that your husband would not treat his boss, the local pastor, his doctor, etc. this way. He chooses to become angry and irrational with you. Let me repeat that because so many in society tell the woman that it is her responsibility to "teach the man" how to calm down, her responsibility to patiently wait it out, her responsibility to look within and help others look within, her responsibility to compromise, yada, yada. It is his choice to be angry with and to disrespect you. HE HAS THE PROBLEM AND IT AFFECTS YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. It is his responsibility to fix it, not yours. And if a Viking warrior was standing in front of him, believe me, he'd adjust his behavior wouldn't take months and years of hot chocolate and discussions for him to change. HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING, HE MADE A CHOICE TO DO IT, AND HE ENJOYS IT/GETS SOMETHING OUT OF IT, OR HE WOULDN'T DO IT. IT IS A CHOICE THAT HE MAKES. How much longer will women be willing victims, and how much longer will we allow others to put the majority of the responsibility for these occurrences and for the "fixing of a male's screwed up emotions" on women. When you are older, you will be unhappy and will have many regrets for the loss of the best years of your life which were spent "trying to understand and help 'your man' through his own bad emotional decisions. Get out, buy a big dog, get an excellent education/great job, be a better role model for your children, make yourself and your kids/friends excellent dinners....enjoy life because you are only on this earth for a short while. Believe me your last, dying words WILL NOT be, "Gee, I wish I'd spent more time helping all the angry and violent men of the world to understand their feelings better so they can all learn to calm themselves...Ommmm.". Get real....uhhh...I'm soooo tired of hearing how women have to help these men. Look at him now, and picture what your old age will be like with this creep when he is 55 years old, overweight, diabetic, wrinkled, arthiritic, smelly, and semi incontinent with bushy hair growing out of every open oriface 3 years ago

My husband is bipolar and an alcoholic. I know he has an illness, but his anger and rages are terrifying. He is a mean drunk, saying cruel things, yelling at me any my daughter, and lately he has been destructive, breaking things. We have been together for almost 15 years and I am so ready to call it quits. I am a Christian and I struggle with staying through sickness and health. I am very unhappy with my marriage and want to escape his madness, but part of me is scared. I don't think I can afford the mortgage and the rest of the bills by myself. My daughter from my first marriage will be graduating high school next month and starting college in the fall. I feel trapped and don't know what to do.

mariyamj 3 years ago

hi, i would like your opinion on how i can succeed ,am 27 years old and having a terrible time deciding what i should do with my marriage. its been 2 years to our marriage and 90% of the time its wonderful. he is intelligent, funny, friendly, share a lot of interests with me though we both are very different in character. he is a network engineer while i am an architect and engineer, we visualize things differently but can almost always see what the other person is getting at. i know he has great potential in him and he has proves it tons of times. i believe in him and if its for the better good would very much want to work the problems through. but working out problems does not mean damaging compromising. that would lead to being unsatisfied and eventually bitterness. i feel largely bitter towards my husband because he has been physically abusive towards me. i could tolerate verbal hurtful tantrums coz i know later on when anger has cooled down he he is truly sorry for making me unhappy. that's what keeps me glued. i know i can count on him , even if the whole world is against me and if i am in the right he would stand by me and most importantly believe in me. right now the problems we are having started about 1.4 yrs back .. we r both very stubborn so have a lot of disagreements that usually resolve with no consequences. he started getting weird when i go out and don't tell him where. when i am angry with him i usually do the silent treatment thing so i don't tell him where i have been. he does this too. bt after we eventually talk it through its all good. lately it has gotten physical. he can't grasp the fact that i just don't want to tell sometimes because i am hurt. i was slightly physically and verbally abuse towards him too during initial time, later on i ignored his words and just carried on with my own things and he settled back again also coupla times. now when i ignore he hits me. and it really really hurts. i've had a black eye (which was a deliberate accident, he had the choice not to be extremely aggressive towards me), then i had a cut on my head coz he threw the phone at me and it hit my head. it bled furiously and soaked the cloth around my neck. next 2 times he hit me in the face with a fist. several times. he was extremely angry coz i wouldn't talk. i knew he was angry but i want him to stop being violent when being angry with me. so i wouldn't talk and still wont talk unless he behaves decent. previous times i talked coz i was sure if i didn't i would have bruises so i talked when i couldn't tolerate. i once moved my face higher coz he was hitting my cheekbone i though it would break. and i had office in the morning, i have parents and others living in the house i just can't let them see. he has apologized pelenty of times and sworn he will never do again. how can i believe when he broke his promises before. worse he has sexually forced himself on me too. though we r married i believe i should have a say in how my body is used and when. if i don't feel it he can't play with me by force but he did just that. though it didn't hurt extremely, it did hurt and i can never forgive that. i stayed coz i see good in him. u only see the bad i write but he has great good in him he just don't understand that what he is doing, he has no right to do it. its very much linked to our belief, in our religion husband has the right to hit his wife if he has exhausted all other means (talking, separating sleeping places to give space for both to ponder over,) and he truly believes that it would help the situation rather than cause damage, then our religion permits the husband to hit the wife anywhere excepts the face and sexual organs provided when he hits there be no marks whatsoever. a blue black area is a mark and 'hit' should never be hard enough to leave a mark. that's how its is, but he only sees the part about 'hit' . when i explain he understands what he does brings nothing but misery and disgust for him by me. i am in noway tempted to 'listen to him' or b a 'good wife'. he understands that god intended the procedure like that for couples to behave in good terms towards each other. but sometime immediately after, he tells me if i don't act stubborn and answer when he asks he wont do it. but that's not the way. i am 0% obligated to tolerate abuse. my plan previously was to continue silent treatment till he wont do it anymore. but now its been long enough and my depression is hugely effecting my work. i am behind and its damaging my reputation, i can't have that. recently i've come to realize i don't necessarily need him to make me happy. i have my work which truly satisfies me and yet i do want someone to cuddle with and share happy and sad times with. he can do that if only he can reach his full potential. he grew up in a violent neighborhood and was associated with gang life. its all long gone and in the past and he is a respected enlightened person though very aggressive in unjust situations. now he is transforming that violent aggressiveness on to me. i can't take it anymore. i have sorta decided to file for divorce though khul. khul is my right to ask for divorce and if he doesn't grant it , court will . and he has to provide my maintenance for 1 month per shariah. i don't even want maintenance as long as this separation is beneficial . best if for both of us, if not , i want to fulfill my dreams. and i know he is not the only male that can give me what i want but i want this to work out for many reasons, also coz it will b such a hassle to find someone i can so much relate to and care for and be interested in and truly trust. but its not impossible. i am thinking of filing this sunday, am wondering if am making the right decision. also, one more thing, i'd like to add for you to further understand my situation, its not something u might be used to but hear me out. we have a forbidden practice in our community that's being used, what you people say as 'black majic' . after our outbursts started getting violent mu husband consulted with an astrologist person who also studies and practices forms of 'magic' to cancel out bad 'magic'/'sihr' . anyway, he said this person said 8 times something has been done to both of us, and coincidentally it also happened that any 8 major episodes happened very violently out of which in 2 times i threatned to kill him, and i had every intention to do it he would act violent towards me. this scares me and luckily nothing scary happened. i have been seeing ugly looking 4-5 people in-between sleeps which disturbs me. and when we play Quran i sense a feeling of 'not being hot/warm' . though we have AC its sweating hot sometimes even at night. so i do on a level sense something might not be very right, but i tell him he cannot blame his actions on this 100%. nobody can play with any character a person does not initially possess. long write. sory if anybody is in anyway disturbed. i want your opinion if you think am doing the right thing...thanks and cheers

HonestMabel 3 years ago

In my humble opinion, I think we have a serious disconnect going on here. The problem here is very simple. It's "emotional immaturity" and "anger" and you bet it can change with a very well known thing called "anger management". Why don't you search it and print out some ways of managing anger to give your husband/significant other? That is exactly what I have decided to do after way too many years going around and around. I want to share with you a very powerful secret. You know all those years trying to get your husband to admit to his anger problem while he just yells at you for the trivial thing you did? Guess what, he knows in his soul that he has a problem, and he is absolutely miserable because of it. So just tell him you are speaking from your soul to his soul and you know he gets it, he has an anger problem (DUH!) you know he loves you and you love him, and be prepared to support him in his quest. Find articles for him. Give him tools. Be rooting for his success "on the path" (see how fast the years of denial are bygone?) When he blows up, bring up the anger management thing again. Has he been working on it? No? Yes? Time to keep working on it. Never ever buy that he cannot change. And no, this is not complicated psychology, a soul-searching, philosophical nature is not required. Football is complicated. An anger problem is not a personality trait, it's just emotional immaturity. If you love him, really love him, help him in his quest to stop being emotionally a three year old boy so he can be the happy man he really wants to be down in his soul. It's not about you. He wants to make it about you! You know, it really isn't about whether you react or don't react either. One fit of rage and let's admit it - our day is ruined. We are worn to threads with this. We've already learned we are responsible for our own happiness but something really must be done about this person who is angry all the time for no real reason. I think that contrary to the belief that it starts with us, it really starts with the person dealing with their problem and they will, when hope and solutions and love come in to help.

realsis 3 years ago

I was told yesterday that I was the worst wife in the world and I was the most selfish person in the world. Why? Because I picked a half rotten tomato off my husbands tomato plant and ate it after cutting off the rot. He said I didn't offer him any... In fact he is still giving me the silent treatment today. His silent treatment usually lasts 4 to 5 days. I feel insane. I'm trying to make since out of what happened with the tomato and I just can't. Am I really such an awful wife and person for eating a half rotten tomato? I didn't think he would want any of it and felt safe enough at the time to pick and eat a tomato. Boy was I wrong. He told my how utterly selfish and awful I am. What really hurt was he looked me straight into the eye and told me I'm the worst wife ever. He went on to say I'm such a bad wife I'm an anti wife. Now he's not speaking to me. All over a half rotten tomato.. Please am I really so awful? I grew up with a very hostile childhood with my angry alcoholic father and when it comes to conflict I'm afraid to yell back at someone. So I simply take what ever is said to me. I did try to logically explain I didn't mean harm but he said I'm making excuses for my selfish behavior. After her looked me in the eye and said I'm the worst wife ever he started the silent treatment with me. Why do I feel so crazy?I keep playing back in my head how I wished I didn't pick that tomato...does he really hate me? Am I really a bad person for eating a tomato? Please help I feel so worth less. Also now he likely won't be speaking to me now for days to punish me. I'm feeling really hurt. Any advice please!

YakobiLana profile image

YakobiLana 3 years ago

Dear Tadasland, I have been married to a man with so called "short fuse" who is also emotionally abusive to me, for over 10 years. It took me time to figure out what was going on as I am also a victim of childhood abuse and neglect and I used to perceive his treatment of me as something I deserve. In your very insughfull article you are saying: "a man will only mistreat a lady when no one challenges his behavior. If he knows he can get away with it, he'll say hurtful things to you to boost his ego over and over."- do you mean to say that men do not have consience? My conscience won't allow me to mistreat anybody, I do not need to be held responsible by somebody else.

Also, you are saying this:" if you take the abuse over and over again then you are practically training him that this is OK. Don't tolerate this anymore, set your boundaries and throw a fit if you have to enforce them", but at the same time you are advising to always remain calm when the husband is angry and saying this will make him respect you. But don't you think these two statements are contradictory? If I am throwing a fit, then I am not being calm. In the beginning of our relationship, for quite a few years, I could not have any other reaction to my husband rudeness and emotional abuse, other than get very very upset, cry, etc. But now, when I get older, more mature and understanding of my husband personality (he is clearly, a bullying husband), I try to stand up for myself more and more. My experience has been, that when I get really ANGRY, which happens very rarely as it is really difficult for me to express my anger, my husband gets scared and backs off, and often apologizes right away. Is this really a good tool to control my husband's "bad" behaviour? What is the best way to set "the boundaries"? The difference between my husband and I is that when he loses control, he does not care if our children are around- he will scream at me in front of them. But I can't, being their mother makes me very protective of their emotional wellbeing. We are not on equal terms, and our relationship is going from bad to worse. I just wanted to try something else to show my husband that his behaviour towards me is not acceptable and deviates greatly from the socially appropriate norm, but what? before I finally decide to divorce him... So far, I have been going to our local Domestic Violence Center, and they were not helpful at all. I brought my husband in for marriage counseling, also to no effect. When my husband comes to marriage counseling, he behaves like the most charming man on earth, and has a look of someone who would never hurt a fly. He has a better ability to speak than I and always manages to present the situation with our marriage that he is the one who is suffering from me being such an inconsiderate person... No matter what I try I tend to lose. Just looking for advice.

Catherine 3 years ago

I could have written many of these posts myself. Thank you all for sharing. Special thanks to the author of the blog post. I have learned a lot and you have restored my hope.

LolaRose 3 years ago

I have so much to write but don’t want it be a novel. I have been with my husband for about 5 years. Married 2 years Aug 2013. He is a very TYPE A person. He is stubborn, egotistic, prideful and cocky at times. He is 29 years old and does not have a job he can call a career. I am 5 years older than him, going on 8 years in my career and pretty much the bread winner of this marriage. I have 2 children from a previous marriage.

About 4 days ago, I left home due to me and my husband arguing. I started to get desperate, emotional and physical. About 4 years ago, I found out that my husband (bf at the time) had been cheating on his gf with me. He was given a choice to stay with her or be with me. He choose me. We have been together ever since. Due to his cheating ways, our 1st year together was absolutely horrible. He controlled me and was insecure. He would call me every minute of the day, Face Time and Tango me, follow me to work, stalk me, call my job to make sure I was working…etc. I became depressed. I became insecure with him, desperate and even suicidal. It took me over a year to get out of this state but I did.

When I did, things got worse. My anger for his insecurities and his stalking ways pushed me away from him. I kicked him out of the house twice stating I needed space but it was more to figure out if I really wanted to be with him. I did my own thing, went out and talked my male co-workers about my problems. My husband really thinks I cheated during this time. I will be honest, I strung him along thinking he would always be there but never cheated.. Then I found out he was talking to his co-workers and I got upset. Long story short we got married 2 days later.

I thought we would finally be happy but I was completely wrong. It just got worse. We argued all the time. I was very nasty to him with my words. I would say things to him that hurt him and broke his heart. He stuck by me thru all this and kept telling me we would be ok. He hung on to US while I tried running from him. I filed for divorce thinking it would scare him but it BACK FIRED ON ME. He made a complete 180 and now he is the mean, nasty and angry person. He thinks he needs to inflict the same pain, and hurtful words on me bc he thinks KARMA hasn’t been returned to me. He has called me every name in the book from the B, C, S and lesbian. He has told me he doesn’t love me and is in not in love with me. He tells me he has wanted to leave this marriage for a long time. He even told me he got another girl pregnant and wanted to know which email to send the ultrasound picture to. He tells me my tears are fake and that I’m a phony. I have not heart and I the worst person ever. He tells me if he was to cheat it would be with someone younger, hotter and with no kids (which is the type of girls he works with).

When I start to go off the wall, he will try to calm me down by saying he says those things out of anger. He tells me i need to stop focusing on our relationship, get strong and not look so weak. I am afraid my marriage is ending and haave become very desperate. I understand how he is feeling bc I did the exact same thing to him. So I am at a loss right now. I have been seeing a therapist and she has diagnosed my husband with Anti-Social Personality Disorder from the time he did go. She also stated he will never change. I have looked to God to help me in my struggling times bc I feel like I’m ready to give up and explode. I do not want a divorce and believe that this marriage will see the light but right now at this very moment…I am stuck. Any advice?

TA 3 years ago

Such a wow article. Makes me feel better after an exploding episode I had with him couple of days ago. Maintained my calm for far more than I'm capable of and ended up in putting more fire when his blame didn't stop. After a pause still tried consoling with love but futile. So walked out and didn't pick his call in anger. And now follows the cold war without words. Can't bear his presence and it is so frustrating to realize that these bouts are bound to recur and I'm in for such a behavior unless I keep my mouth shut with all the hurt :(

JC 3 years ago

Well, right now. I am very worried cause I did something that is very awful. It's one of my husbands golden rule that I broke and he found out. We haven't talked about it yet or should I say we haven't seen each other since yesterday so I don't know how angry he is. I'll take the advice hopefully it'll work (crossing fingers).

Ellie O 3 years ago

This article and comments have made me feel that I am not alone. I've been married for 2 years now and this is my second marriage and I really want this one to work. My husband gets upset with me over the littlest things - leaving a light on, drinking one of his sodas by accident (he has his own separate food I am told not to eat). Mostly he gets very stressed out by work and the unrealistic deadlines. He will stay up late fixing problems. If the kids or I speak to him during this time, he flys off the handle. We all have to walk on egg shells around him.

Last night at 11 pm, I went to bed and he was already in the bed with the TV on and still working on his laptop. I can't fall asleep with the television and lights on, so I made the mistake of speaking to him and asked, "If he was going to continue to work, could he go to another room." Boy did I hear it. I was told how insensitive I was and the way I spoke to him was condescending, and did I really think that he enjoyed having to stay up late to finish work. At times like this, he sounds crazy and his reaction to me is unbelievable. So this morning he is not talking to me and has begun his silent treatment. This will last for a couple of days. In the end, he will never apologize, I am usually the one to say I am sorry.

The article has given me some good tips to use. I will let him know that he is misinterpreting what I was asking him. He is very manipulative though and will recount untrue things that I said to him or the way I said them. So then we have an argument about what was really said or not. Any advice on how to handle that?

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Mel Carriere 3 years ago from San Diego California

Isn't the best way to deal with an angry husband just to leave the b**tard? I understand that people have a normal amount of anger from time to time, but if he is habitually angry and no one is putting him in his place it is only going to get worse, and usually by then there are children, houses, and other encumbrances that make it more difficult to escape. The best way to deal with him is just ditch him while it is still early in the marriage. He'll get angry at the kids too, once they are born. There is no changing a person like that.

Seekingpeace 3 years ago

I too have a similar story - my husband has anger issues. Unfortunately most people don't see it - everyone loves him and thinks he's so cheerful and friendly. Its mostly just with me and also with his parents (so immediate family) that he lets it all rip so freely. I have started to let a couple people know selectively because otherwise I just feel so isolated. Anyway, I have a couple questions/approaches:

First, do you think angry people always understand or see their own fury? And if not, what is the best way to point it out to them? When it comes to huge raging outbursts, my husband sees it and apologizes later (although he often doesn't think it was as "big a deal" as I do). But he's often very snappy or dismissive towards me and somehow he doesn't even register that or remember that at all. In his mind he seldom gets angry and to me its really often mostly because what constitutes anger to him has to be really egregious for it to count in his mind. Otherwise he's just "expressing his emotions" or "having an opinion" which can be a daily sniping at me or put down. I have decided to start making an angry journal - to write down every incident for a month. I feel like maybe if he saw the frequency and context during a calm period he may be able to reflect more objectively and see why I'm so hurt.

Second, I understand the advice of remaining calm in response - that's always my approach because frankly I'm not a shouter nor do I feel its worth my energy to respond to cr@p I don't feel is valid. I will admit that I also avoid conflict which can sort of reward his behavior but at the same time I'm trying to shield my son as well as myself from escalation. But do others feel like this calm approach causes even more distance to your relationship? I feel like my protective devices make me feel cold inside, I don't feel the anger as much because I have my barriers up but I also can't feel the love as much either.

Finally, how do others handle sexual intimacy in your relationships? Its a huge problem for us whereby (not shockingly) I don't feel like having sex when I've just been blasted or criticized. Overall it wears down my sense of intimacy and trust with him which makes sex really unappealing. We have practically ceased having a sex life, which is a huge complaint of his. It also reduces our connection which increases his likelihood towards anger. I feel like I'm in this vicious trap. Not to mention having a small child and working full time pretty much drain all my energy so having sex is like the last thing on my list. But I know its important to a healthy relationship and I don't know how to build that back into our lives.

pissedchic 3 years ago

My husband gets upset over the silliest things and it takes him days to get talking again im sick of it . The thing is he wont admit when he is wrong .I've been with him for six years im tired

Pamela 3 years ago

I'm at a loss of what to do as well. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 -1/4 years and have been living together for a year with my three teenagers. We fell madly in love quickly and I felt that he was the best thing that had come into my life after my bad marriage. We were close, it seemed perfect, he was loving, giving and caring and it felt extremely right when we decided to move in together after a year. But shortly after moving in together, I was shocked the first time he got so enraged over the smallest of statement ("What do you have in mind for sharing in the grocery expenses?"). He became so angry, flew off the handle, pitched a tantrum, called me names (selfish, unappreciative) and then began the silent treatment for the entire weekend. I must say, that in my previous marriage, as bad as it might have been, I had never experienced such an outrage. I was in shock - especially after he threatened to leave me and break our two year lease just because I wanted to know why he wasn't helping to pay for groceries. The outrages came more frequently and the intensity of the arguments always shocked me (over trivial things)! I am always shocked at just how MEAN he can get. He takes any feeling I have that may be deemed as "critical," "challenging," or "contradictory" as personal ATTACKS and refuses to acknowledge my pain or feelings or work through the problem without anger. I would love to think that I could just go head to head with him to let him know that I won't tolerate it (like the author's page), but it doesn't work that way. The more I challenge, the meaner and angrier he gets. He threatens to leave me and have his things out immediately. I am in a much too big of a house to afford on my own, and I am stuck in a two year lease. His threats frighten me because he has so much pride and is so angry, that I'm not sure he wouldn't move out just because he has obligated himself to do so, and I really don't want to lose him because I love him deeply still. What I like the least, is that I am not used to being "mean" in an argument but have been pushed into saying things that I would never imagine myself ever saying to someone I love. I don't like using words as weapons and know without a doubt that anger and criticism don't solve problems - they exacerbate them! I am an elementary school teacher, and I am well versed in positive reinforcement. And now, he has turned to the kids. He never says anything negative to them but constantly criticizes them in front of me and talks so badly about them. He even called my kids "worthless" and has never once taken it back. He runs me down for bad parenting constantly and never ceases to tell me about something my kids have done wrong. I have even conceded enough to rearrange my custody rights to only two weeks out of the month (their dad only saw them every other weekend before the proposed change) to try and relieve him of their burden and improve our relationship. No matter what I try, I cannot please him nor can my children! The most hurtful part of it all, is not only that he gets so angry, so mean and so hurtful over the littlest things, but he then gives me the silent treatment for days. When I send him letters, texts or notes to try and explain my thinking, he never responds. He tells me that I should just walk away from impending arguments/discussions, sweep them under the rug, and maybe the problem will go away rather than solving the issue. Or he gets over his silent treatment and then I'm supposed to just snap right back to the place we were before the fight (without resolution or apologies). My feelings are admonished and it hurts to know that I really don't mater enough to him, unless I'm being the "good girl." Everything is WONDERFUL as long as I walk on eggshells and as long as it's all good. He is my dream man as long as the kids don't leave a glass out or sleep too late. He is my knight in shining armor as long as I don't say anything disparaging (or what might be construed as disparaging in his short-tempered opinion). I am frightened of him and his anger and live in fear that I will set him off. He promises me he doesn't hit women, but to me, it feels the same. I want to be me again. I don't want to live in fear of his threats, his mean words and his constant criticism. I want to be happy and in a relationship where there is open communication, tenderness and understanding of our differences. In writing this and reading all of the blogs, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot continue this way. I don't deserve it. But I feel stuck once again as I did before because of my financial and familial situation, and because I do want to make this work. I do not know what to do.

Sarah 3 years ago

If you don't have any children, for goodness sake get out while you can. It's absolutely soul-destroying to see your children yelled at by their father on a daily basis for the most trivial of things. My husband is a good provider who works hard and doesn't spend the money he earns on himself, he is a soccer coach adored by his team and their parents (and rightly so), he is a great boss who is adored by the people he manages but at home he is a volcano and we never know when he is going to erupt so we all walk on eggshells around him. I would leave tomorrow - I would leave this minute - if it wasn't for the children as I couldn't support them financially.

Margaret 3 years ago

I can trigger an argument by asking a question or showing weakness by crying. When he confronts me, I get angry and yell back at him. Now he throws food, beer, dishes in response. I now know that I must learn to control my own temper when he gets defensive because I ask a question. I hope I can accomplish this!

Ludishka 3 years ago

I just finished reading your article, I was looking some help and answer to my husband behavior, 3 weeks ago he got mad at me for something I did, nothing bad but I clean a room in the houe where he had some of his things (work stuff) it was getting out of control and he keeps saying he will do it and never gets done, it was almost a year and the mess was still there, everytime I tried to talk to about it he'll cut me off and get upset, but that day I decided I was going to clean it and I did and it has been a nighmare, eversince that happened I can't talked to him and if I do is minimal stuff, he will not answer phone calls from me, will yield at me for no reason, come in the house and go to a different room and for most part will not come to bed, if I try to talk he will ask me to leave the room or if I don't leave fast enough then he leaves, I have never seen anything like that, he tells me a lot of hurtful things, I've been non stop crying.......he seems to be having a good time everytime he makes feel like the most stupid person of all time, there's so much hate when he talks to me, it really breaks my heart, I already told him that I understant his feelings and I apologized, he didn't wamt his things to be moved and I explain that I fixed nice and neat but there nothing I can say all I get in return is a nasty look. It is getting so out of control that i ask him if there was anything I needed to know, if he was looking at someone else and he told me " so what if I am, what are you going to do" I couldn't believe my ears. I don't know what to do.

Penny 3 years ago

Got the infamous daily insult today because I wanted a small cup of coffee and not the larger one. Tomorrow it might be that I parked the car over too far in the driveway......or I locked the door when I was home alone........ or...who the hell knows. The only thing I know for sure is that it will be something. It always is something...... there is never a day I go without an insult or rude comment. I'm angry more at myself for getting into this life wasting situation. I cry knowing its useless. He claims to never remember anything....nothing...nada...and to just move on. Young ladies, GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!!! You don't want to end up like me, on anti depressants. I've been bullied for so long now I cant even get out of bed somedays. He's so sick in the head. He even bullies the poor girls at the McDonald's drive thru. Calls them stupid like he's some kind of Einstein. He is so insecure he lies about everything. I could go on and on about how it got worse and worse year by year. A wise old woman told me years ago that if I wanted to know what my future with him would be like I just needed to look at the past. I hope you young women listen to that advice. I sure wish I did.

Margret 3 years ago

I'm glad I found this article, I can definitely use the advice. I'm 22 and my husband is 27 years old. We met 2.5 years ago and have had a long distance relationship for two years of that because I'm from the Netherlands, and he is American. From the beginning we felt we had met the one, felt like we were soulmates and have always been faithful, true and honest with each other while being apart. After going through the visa process I moved to the USA and we got married 5 months ago.

Now, we've always had a lot of fights. I was (and still am) very young and my husband has taught me a lot about being independent, being self-confident and being responsible for my own happiness. In return, I teach him tone more open, communitive and compassionate.

Margret 3 years ago

Oops, clicked the wrong button...

Anyway, we love each other very much and have made a lot of sacrifices to be together. We're both loving, kind, happy people and have a lot of the same goals in life. But I feel like I'm the backbone of the relationship. We have so much to learn together, and need to take time getting used to our new life together. I think we go through normal arguments and try to adapt to each others needs when we realize those needs are there. It's a trial and error thing. My husband however seems to be very insecure about our fights and has told me multiple times that he wanted to separate (even after being married for two months, after everything we went through). He will tell me he thinks we're just not compatible, that we just can't get along. I will argue with him for the sake of our relationship and after a few hours of talking and crying he will say that he loves me and that he desperately wants to stay with me. But in the heat of every argument, no matter how small, he'll say he wants out, tells me to get the F out of his life, to just give up and go back home. It hurts me so much, and I've lost a lot of faith in his love for me, even though he's an attentive, loving and fun person when we're doing good. But he seems to blame me for his misery. Wants me to be different. Gets angry about small things and doesn't take responsibility for what he feels or thinks or says. Last week he told me again that its over, throws his wedding ring at me. I walked away, out of the house, in distress. He came after me and told me to come back home. I forgive him. This morning, after something petty, he tells me again to just give up already and get the F out of his life.

I don't understand what's going on inside him. I'm aware that I'm part of the problem, but he thinks I'm ALL of the problem. We have had clear, calm conversations about this very thing many times, and I've tried to set my boundary by letting him know he can't keep threatening me with separation. He's the kind of person that, rather than deal with the actual problem just wants to get rid of the whole thing. But I believe in us. I love him very much and I believe he does love me as much. But when is enough enough? How am I going to let him know I will not be treated like this when he doesn't see the problem and the solution in himself?

I do get upset a lot, so I'm going to try to stay calm and removed from the situation when he gets upset at me. It's hard when the complaint doesn't warrant the reaction it gets, but I'll try. In the meantime I hope he won't give up on us.

Sleipnir 3 years ago

I am so glad I found this site and it has been so helpful to read all your comments and about your situations. My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 1 year. He gets ticked off by pretty much anything I say or do and then a 2 hour screaming and insulting session follows and it´s unstoppable. Walking away from it, is the worsed I can do, it´ll make him feel ignored and even more angry. If I try to say something in a calm way, he interrupts me, says I am being defensive, doesn´t matter what I say. If I scream back, and I hate screaming, we just enter into a screaming match at which I don´t last long and usually end up crying - when I cry, he gets more angry but at least usually stops shouting and leaves me alone - except yesterday when he slapped me in the face and told me he did that to snap me out of it - snap me out of what? Of crying after having him insult me and tell me how stupid useless etc. I am? Well it was the first time and I think I´ll just ignore that it happend. But I simply don´t know what to do to stop him when he goes on his rampage - not only does it wear me out - it also almost exclusively happens in the evening and then goes well into the night, which leads to sleepless nights, more stress and less energy. For him that´s not a big deal, he always stays up late playing computer games anyway (he´s 35 years old, yes) and the next day he always gets up late and shows up for work one or two hours late - did I mention we own a business together and both work there full time. OUr sex life is also pretty much 0, of course he blames me - says I am not into him enough (he´s a very sensitive man) of course after so much fighting I am not crazy about sex with him, but I always try and make an effort, do romantic things, cook nice meals, dress up - but he doesn´t want me any more - says it doesn´t feel right because we don´t communicate. Well I can´t communicate with him, because I get screamed down and interrupted. We also don´t go out any more - he never fails to tell me how boring I am - so he rather spends his weekends in front of the computer playing, instead of going places with me. Well, I just don´t know what to do any more, mostly I am so worn out by constantly having to be careful what I do and say and once he goes off, I have no idea how to stop him - telling him I am sorry never works either, he doesn´t believe it. His parents got divorced when he was 13 - his dad was a drunk and hit his mum, his mum hit my husband and his sister in turn - it must have been awful and I want to be understanding and help him, but how do i deal with this? he is only this mean with his sister, his mum, dad and me - with others he his the nicest guy - and he can be so nice when he´s in a good mood - but it can change in seconds, with one wrong word from me - or even a wrong facial expression.

ThisisLive 3 years ago

i read all of your comments with tears, i am just like you have 2 kids with degree but housewife, 10 years marriage, so afraid change something... always say myself i can, but how?? thousands of questions in my mind... there is no life and life is this, that is it! ?? well, today it happened and after couple of month again, and again, again, it will continue whole my life! the sad part is after all he says that he loves me .... really,, ? well, there is no point.... I am so tired of all, listening hi's stories about me and my life, i heard things that i never would do or done, but after all this i am again lovely, happy ,beautiful wife for him!

yeah, this my life and it is very similar all of your stories, i believe that day will come and that day god will be in my side i hope!

sorry my english, thank you.

Claire Mason profile image

Claire Mason 3 years ago from Kent

HI! Ive just found this post as Im looking for some advice. 3 months ago I met the most wonderful man and we clicked perfectly in every way. Until recently, when Ive started noticing a few 'warning signs':

- extreme road rage

- rage over him burning the potatoes (and bashing them to death in frustration)

- shouting and yelling at his daughter

- always swearing (I just ignored it)

- starting to comment critically on my appearance

And then last week in his sleep, he attacked me physically. He has no recollection but I had to physically escape to avoid further beatings!

Althoug he has never struck at me when awake, all these signs point to an aggressive subconscious at the very least.

My question, given what you have all been through for so long, am I right in thinking that this anger/aggression will only escalate and start being directed at me one day?

He has agreed to go to anger management and get medication for his REM sleep disorder, but can angry people really cure their issues?

I need to know your thoughts given your experience from the start to how it is now, and if that will ultimately happen to me if I stay with him. Incidentally I absolutely love him to bits but right now, Im scared of him and anxious around him (not all the time).

Thank you for listening...

mmaui 3 years ago

I have found out just recently after 30 years of marriage its all about me..its him doing what he does..i just happen to be in the line of fire most of the time. So I don't have to be a target. Once you find that out you have stay , leave, or put cotton in your ears. Funny but not really lots of pain in my heart over the years...but getting there

Christina 3 years ago

I read all of your comments.

The recurring thing that jumps out at me is that our Hubs/Bfriends just go off.

After 17 years, the only way I have found to deal with my Hub is to have my own friends and my own activities. In other words, we pretty much live our own lives. I have my end of the house and he has the other. I am involved in volunteering, sewing and my girlfriends. He has PTSD and this seems to be his "catch-all" for any rage, attitudes, or anger.

Enough! I just walk away when he starts yelling. I go into my room and shut the door. I know this is not a way to live in a "loving" relationship. However, I am in survival mode and this is the best I can do right now.

Those of you who are dealing with something like this and have a way out - DO IT NOW!!! This situation does NOT get any better - You become the whipping board and the reason for all -his- problems.

They don't "grow" awareness - or "learn" to be kind.

---And I have found helping others by volunteering really is rewarding is soooo many ways. It feels extremely good to have someone smile at you and say "Thank you" and appreciate what you do.

valenelee 3 years ago

I've dated my husband for 19yrs.we got two young kids at home. I did know him he got anger problem that when things he really he can't tolerate he'll throw anything he's seen. But this thing to happen frequent. after my second daughters was born two yrs ago his temperate got me crazy. he'll start to throw things on small little issue. I try to talk to him few time and it doesn't help at all. It makes us very stress when he's at home but i dont want my children raise in broken family or do i want my children to learn this fr him too. He broke a lot thing fr our hse and yesterday he did throw tantrum again. He throw key on my son. I feel this is getting worse as he never hurt us bef. Wat can i do now

tadasland profile image

tadasland 3 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Dear Ladies, I will post an article for you here from Lynne Namka Ed. D, she's a wonderful therapist and human being, I recommend signing up for her newsletters. This is a bit long but a worthwhile read:

The Zen of Leaving an Abusive Narcissist

The definition of narcissism is excessive love, interest or admiration of oneself at the expense of others. Synonyms of narcissism include selfishness, egocentricity, egotism, egoism, navel-gazing, self-absorption, self-centeredness, self-concern, and self-involvement. Narcissism is a personality trait which many people have. After all we do need to have enough self-interest to look out for ourselves. Too many narcissistic traits cause problems in a person’s life and those with whom they interact. A few traits may not interfere with a life but when a person has too many narcissistic behaviors they might be considered to have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Although it has not been linked by research, I suspect that people who verbally, sexually and physically abuse others are narcissists.

The World Health Organization reported that one-third of women have been physical or sexually assaulted by a former or current partner. Violence against women is a “global health problem of epidemic proportions” and calls for domestic violence screening to be added to all levels of health care.

Abusers are those people who give themselves the right to hurt others with their words, actions and manipulations. Abusers have the abnormal need to control others. Most often they do not want to change their angry behaviors. So they must find those gullible people who allow themselves to be abused. It’s a two way street. They need others to be the victim of their misuse of power.

If you suffer from someone who puts you down and harms you, here are important questions to consider for your life:

• Do you need to be the victim of someone else’s dysfunction?

• Do you need to be abused?

• Are you still caught in the pattern of giving your power away just because you think you “luv” someone, fear being on your own or alone or can’t make it without them?

• Are you willing to stay until your self-esteem is so eroded that you can’t function on your own?

• Are you willing to have and raise children who are “chips off the old abuser’s block” who will abuse you in your old age?

If not get ye to Al Anon or Codependents of America (CODA) meetings either with local groups or on line. Get a sponsor and start looking at what personality traits and beliefs keep you in a destructive relationship. Read several books on codependency. (My book The Doormat Syndrome is a funny, spiritual description of how to stop being codependent.) Join Facebook pages that teach about bullying and abuse and offer daily support.

So what is abuse? Here is a great description from Patricia Evans’ book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship:

“YOU ARE BEING ABUSED: When you are yelled at, snapped at, told that you are acting wrong, acting smart, acting dumb, trying to start a fight, imagining things, twisting things around, interrupting, trying to have the last word, going on and on, thinking wrong, thinking you're smart, thinking you know it all, picking a fight, asking for it, looking wrong, looking in the wrong way, looking for trouble, trying to start an argument, and so on and on."

The World Health Organization defined physical violence as being slapped, pushed, punched, choked or attacked with a weapon. Sexual violence was defined as being physically forced to have sex, having sex for fear of what the partner might do and being compelled to do humiliating and degrading sexual acts.

The abuse will continue as long as you allow it. We train people how to treat us and if you believe that you are not worthy of being respected, so it will play our in your relationship. You can choose to have a different kind of relationship if you learn to set boundaries and choose someone who is capable of being fair and respectful.

We all have some selfish behavior. The issue is how destructive their selfishness is and how much you are willing to take. If you set strong limits to what you will and will not allow and the person cannot accept honesty and respect in a relationship, you may have to leave. Leaving an abusive relationship is a journey to finding your worth and True Self. So here are steps to leaving.

The Zen of Leaving a Narcissist

Educate yourself. Hmm.

Keep reading and recognize your patterns of giving in. Hmm.

Read between the lines. Read the gaps between the words.

Read the bigger picture of your life.

What sense of self-respect and self-esteem didn’t you get as a child?

What part of yourself did you have to give away? Hmm.

Get social support for new ways of thinking and acting.

Warn that you will leave if…. Hmm.

Turn up your nardar.

Boundary yourself well. Make yourself unavailable. Hmm.

Get a plan. Do your homework. Save money.

Get job training in a field that pays well. Hmm.

Create a new life with friends and interests of your own. Hmm.

Insist on being treated with respect. Hmm.

Learn to set fair boundaries. Hmm.

Repeat louder when violated. Hmm.

Use healthy anger to ramp up the momentum to help you leave. Hmm.

Celebrate how life makes sense when you clear the clutter from your life.

Note how much calmer you are when the drama is removed.


If you leave having clearly stated all along what you will not put up with, there need be no guilt.

Keep your Nardar scan set on high (that intuitive knowing that pops up when someone is trying to scam you or push past your boundaries). Challenge inappropriate behavior: “Wait a minute; that’s not fair. Look at what you are doing.”

The key and test of whether a narcissistic person can change or can they heal is to address their unrealistic expectations and manipulation. Can they stop expecting the world to give them more because they think that they are special? Can they learn to see things through the eyes of others? Are they willing to do reality checks with others when uncertain? Can they learn to live with uncomfortable feelings and can they learn to see things from other’s point of view? Can and will they stop the abuse?

Perhaps the more potent question is why you need to stay and take abuse.

Finally, educate your daughters. Teach them about choosing friends wisely. Teach them about their nardar signal that goes off when someone selfish is trying to manipulate them. As my friend, world activist Bob Hunt said about changing the world, “We have long known that if you can only do one thing to fight poverty that educating girls is it.”

amanda 3 years ago

Yes hi i just wanted to post this bc it might help some of you whose husbands do have a very bad tempor. My husband has a horrible temper and sparks at almost anything but i have learned after us being together going on 4 years that anytime he gets mad i try not to say much. The only thing i do say if its not my fault is your just ticked off bc your the one who messed up abd then i walk away and dont talk to him until hes over it and has cooled down

Jessy 3 years ago

My husband loves me but don't know how to care.he is more fond of scolding me rather than loving me.i so tired off.cant find way to handle this.

sadlady 3 years ago

i have an angry husband since I cant leave this relationship due to children and money, I now started not bothering even hear what he is shouting about or calling me a failure my mouth chants god s name and my ears only that .......even my silence makes him curse me another few years more my son will become independent and that's the day I will walked out of this lousy man

radhika 3 years ago

my and my husband are in relationship from last 1 year. we always have an argument for a silly matters . he always wants to provehimself right. he doesn't want to change his mind. he says that he dont love me and his family anymore. he will bend for anything and for anybody in his life. for him, we have to change . i feel like i am ruined. he always makes me feel that i m wrong , irresponsible, can't manage the house and himself. sometimes, i feel that i should commit suicide.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 3 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Radhika dear, the last thing you should contemplate is suicide now... Its a tough period in your life, it can feel like hell but something will change, it always does. Just stay strong, pray, dive into spirituality, find a good teacher and a friend. I am spiritual practitioner myself and I know one thing for a fact from fully realized lamas - suicide doesn't solve anything, in fact once the precious opportunity of human life is wasted, the mind (or soul if you may) goes straight into extremely unpleasant states that can last for a long, long, long time (much longer than this earthly life) so there is no running away from suffering as pain and mental anguish is not in the body but the mind. Please take time to feed your mind with noble deeds, accumulate merit through kind and loving actions like generosity and compassion and I PROMISE you, I PROMISE you things will change, its an absolute guarantee. Be well and work hard. All the best.

Doreethedoula 3 years ago

I really appreciate this article. I have been married to my husband 6 years. It has been really challenging for me. He was so crazy about me before we were married. He loved that I was confident and passionate about life. Our first year of marriage was so rough I feel like all my confidence and light diminished. The things he gets upset about are so foreign to me. The other day my sister called in the middle of the night her lay over flight was canceled and she was in my town. My other sister happened to be visiting so I asked her to pick her up. I went back to bed, (because we have a newborn).He woke up went down to get ready for work and saw my sister on the couch. He was so upset that I didn't tell him about it. To me if I woke up and saw someone I knew on the couch. I would conclude something must of happened. I will ask later and figure it out. He just gets angry. We have 3 Small children and our biggest frustration is he wants the house clean when he gets home. Some days it is impossible to do that, but because he is huffy and puffy if it is not cleaned I push myself to do it even when I have been to sick to do it. He looses his cool with the kids and I see our oldest child who is 4 struggling with anger too. I want the cycle to end. The thing you said that struck a chord with me was he is feeling I unconfident and that I see is a big thing for him. In 6 yrs he has come a long way. He always repents of his angry ways and I can tell it is not what he truly wants. I'm sad there is no quick fixes or happy pills to solve this. He does strive to overcome it, I think what he values most is when I can recognize how far he has come. I would love to be able to laugh when he gets angry, but we are not there yet.

Ramona 3 years ago

Hi ,

Like everyone I am also come here as I am having issues with my Husband.I and my husband currently Live in Qatar, Doha. He works on the rigs and I stay at home. Working on the rigs means he is away from weeks and sometimes even months..So lonliness has creeped in me..I dont have much friends here although i worked for sometime ..No social Life as This country is not so free for women

Coming to the main point Me and my husband fight a lot..He is very short tempered and so M i..He has even physically abused me and that has remained in my mind and doesnt seem to be leaving..We both have had a very bad married life cus his mom used to interfere a lot between us before marriage and even after and this has turned our marriage very ugly..I know he is a very hot headed man and i have tried to keep cool at times..But sometimes when he blames me for all the wrong I cannot help but vent out my anger back..I feel my life has come to a full stop like a dead end where there is no one for me...Not my husband..I do have my parents whom i share my troubles with and i get full support from them..Despite of trying my best to be a good wife everything has failed..Its 2 yrs now that i am married andMy husband has given me no support at all..He will always blame me for everythg , nag, abuse verbally and sometimes even beat...How can i avoid this..U said if he abuses twice i am to be blamed...What steps can i take ..I know i have taken a lot of shit and i am to be blamed..Do u have any suggestions for me..I am an indian girl and our culture is so backward....

Rose 3 years ago

No relationship is worth sacrificing your dignity. And kudos to the author who wrote such a beautiful article. Without doubt the article touched a nerve. I am no scholar on this subject but just wanted to express my thoughts here. Dealing with anger is different from dealing with abuse. When a husband is angry, give him some time and deal with your differences calmly later on. But when a husband doesn't treat you right and the anger has led to abuse please don't sit back and take it. Remember, you have one chance at life and you deserve to be happy. I have seen my mother sacrifice her life because of abuse all her life. She tolerated all that for her kids sake. And today when she turns back and looks at her married life, all she is left with is bitterness. Is it worth it?? Like many, emotional bonds hold us back, like they did with my mother. But please know if it is acceptable. Love and dignity go hand in hand for a relationship to succeed and this holds true in every corner of this world. It is natural to get angry, after all we all are humans but don't let your husband's anger rule over you. Sort out and discuss your issues when calm and ensure your thoughts are heard too. Marriage is a pain, but it doesn't end your life in any manner, therefore take charge of YOUR life, set your benchmark and do something for yourself too. The motive here is to make your husband understand your value as a person, wife, mother and so on. When you set your own goals, you are motivated to achieve them and are self satisfied. And few years from now when you look back at your life, make sure you see your success and achievements along with your kids and husband. Never let go of your individuality, it's what makes you special!

Karen 3 years ago

Thank you for writing this. I have had a very difficult day and I came across this while looking at my computer. It really helped me. 20 years and he never use to get angry. Only recently has he started to get mad, so this was wonderful for me to read. Thank you again.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 3 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Right on Rose! Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. You set a very crucial distinction - anger is not the same as physical abuse. The latter should be a red line for any relationship, especially the abuse is continuous. If you live in a part of the world with strong patriarchal values, it is very true that you'll have an uphill battle asserting your rights and protecting your dignity. However, no tyrant can ever enslave your heart and mind. If you find the time to learn, grow and develop by reading, contemplating and meditating you will gain skillful means to deal with problems and people. "It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." - Buddha Shakyamuni

clauze 3 years ago

twice shame on you? Never. Anyone who enacts anger on another person is the one in the wrong. period.

We live in a society which excuses poor behaviour, allows anger and abuse of people without shame.

A person should be able to meet another calmly and not be thought of as responsible for the persons out of control behaviour for any reason. ie. because they are a man, because of society, because they are being passive.

Liz J. 3 years ago

Thank you very much for your enlightening article. I'm one of those women who "compare living with an angry husband to living near a volcano", and after 33 years together I think I've been burnt enough. I can't cope with his repetitive behavior anymore. I've tried lots of things, and I know he has done his best at managing his anger, but it's a never-ending story.

I have come to the point of hating and avoiding family meetings, Christmas, Mother's Days, birthdays, you name the special day, because of his explosions. My children are also sick and tires of these repetitive situations.

Much as I am hurt and sick and tired of trying and holding on and starting all over and over again, I know he's a good man and that his attitudes ara a consequence of his childhood - divorced parents, a father who always put himself in the place of the victim and ended up with a bipolar disorder- and a mother who did her best to educate and raise her two sons. But I can's justify his "explosions and verbal abuse" anymore. I've been thinking of a separation but as you know, it's not easy. I'm not financialy dependants. I have my own income, but it's too low. We have two kids - 24 and 21- who still live with us. They study and the work. My daughter would come to live with me, so as a mom, I'm worried about my son and leaving him alone with his father to take care of themselves and the house, etc. I know they can do it, but, well, I'm a mom...

And my husband has not thrown his "burning lava" only at me. He's developed a horrible relationship with our daughter.

I don't know. I'm in the process of deciding now. But with all the pain in my heart, I guess this it it.

Thank you for reading me.

Send you all a calm ocean of peace and love.

Liz J. 3 years ago

I forgot to mention I'm from Argentina. Sorry for my misspells and my bad English.

Gos bless you all.

Liz J. 3 years ago

Sorry, I don't want to be mean. If we have been 33 years together it's because my husband's strengths have been much more than his weaknesses. He's always taken care of us. But I guess I can't justify his abusive and explosive behaviour with that any more. I just can't cope with that any more. I'm a very spiritual person and I thank God for the life He gave us together, but I think I've had enough... :(

Thank you.

Di 2 years ago

My husband is nasty, sarcastic ,vindictive, moody, grumpy, sexually abusive and according to him everything is my fault. He looses his temper many times everyday. I ignore him, pretend not to hear him or. Walk away but it is not easy.

When he is good, he is the sexist, loveliest man but one wrong look, word or action, however small and my heart sinks. I no longer get angry back, I used to be that would result in physical violence. But I guess I must absorb his anger as I get angry easily with my three boys. He claims to do everything in the house which is simply not true. I work full time as he does and it is me that does the lion share.

I find myself wishing he was dead. He is making my life a misery. My children and I have to walk on eggshells.

Tonight was a lightbulb moment. I have recognised that I have low self esteem and this is why the finds me an easy target. I have decided tonight that I am going to build a wall around myself and no longer allow him to make me feel worthless and upset. As a very wise man once said to me 21 years ago (my husband) time starts now, zero hour.

ML 2 years ago

My husband and I have been married for just over a year. For the year leading to our marriage we fought all the time. Both of us had tempers and I've taken responsibility for my actions. I have completely taken care of my temper, rarely get upset over anything. My husband however, loses his temper every 3-4 weeks over nothing. I also walk on eggshells unsure of what will set him off. He promises me each and every time that it will never happen again but it just keeps happening. He blames me for it and threatens to leave me if I don't take responsibility.He yells and screams and swears at me and since we live in a condo, our neighbours hear it and have even called security on us. I often try and calm him down, try and hug him and remind him of what he's doing. Touching him when he's this mad, he completely loses it and attacks me. Usually pushing me away violently. Last night was the worst. All he can see is that I shouldn't have touched him. Nevermind the fact that he yelled and screamed and swore at me. Nevermind the fact that he lost his temper. It is just my fault. He sounds similar to other posts, when he loves me he loves me so much. But like Dr. Jekyll, Mr Hyde, he just loses it. I know I should do like the article above says but I can't stand for his behaviour. How he yells and screams and what i'm just suppose to take it and let him calm down? I constantly ask him to go for counselling for his temper and he says no. Always has a reason for why he lost his temper. AT this point, I'm out of options...if he's unwilling to get help, how much longer am I suppose to try??? I don't want to get divorced I feel like I would be so humiliated, embarrassed and financially strained but honestly I know I don't deserve this behaviour. Please help, what should I do??? I think I know I need to leave but oh my god...I can't believe this. I saw the signs, ignored them got married and now i'm stuck. How can someone who says they love you so much be so awful to you?

tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

What to say, he must have invested a lot of his efforts into that curry! :-) I am sure he was already agitated about things but wanted to make himself feel better by cooking something for the family, it could have been his only chance to make others feel good and himself in return.

You're not a loser for having more emotional intelligence than him. You apologized to calm things down, almost as you were dealing with a mental patient and you knew what would sooth his mental state but deep inside you know better. Women are peacemakers and thank goodness! If I were you I would try to talk more with your spouse and dig deeper as to what happened, make an agreement to express your feelings and the reasons behind them. "Honey, I'm having an experience this is not you, this is not an adequate response to the situation, talk to me please, I love you, I want to understand."

tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

ML, with all due respect, see if you can put things in perspective and you know how good you have it. Your husband loses temper every 3-4 weeks. Heck, I'd say this is almost normal to the global standards! :-) Some of the women here suffer every day and multiple times. Of course its embarrassing when it happens and the neighbors get to participate. I must have mentioned it somewhere but you don't want to try to touch or hug a raging person, they feel as you're invalidating their feelings, that you're not listening. It is best to talk calm and wait for it to pass before you can have a decent conversation and give advice. Habits are stronger than love. He does love you and I'm sure he doesn't like his anger habit but if he works on it and finds someone to work him through the issues it will get better for both of you. Till then, just try to get out of fire when it happens.

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tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Di, I know the type. You have a tough nut to crack. It is however a very useful observation about your low self esteem being an easy target for him. Tell him anger is a weakness, "Big dogs, don't bark" they don't need to, they know they are strong, however little chihuahuas bark all the time trying to compensate for their lack in physical and mental power. :-)

butterflydown 2 years ago

"Honey, I'm having an experience this is not you, this is not an adequate response to the situation, talk to me please, I love you, I want to understand." I didn't mention this in my original post, but, yes! I do speak to him on these terms, "Please talk to me, let's talk about this. I love you, I'm sorry I made you mad." It did nothing in the moment.... I had to leave him to clean the mess, I was DONE at that point, and I have never had the courage to leave when he had other outrages in the past. He threw our decorated christmas tree across the living room floor one christmas, when our 5 year old daughter saw and witnessed that horror. I can't remember what he was upset about, but it was stupid. Anyway, thanks for your insight, oh and the curry was bought at a fast food restaurant for himself only. Well I guess I just keep doing what I'm doing, oh happy life....

Christina 2 years ago

You have nailed it completely and I cannot thank you enough for your words of advice. I don't need to expand upon my situation but it has felt hopeless and I have tried every possible approach. All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you....

Losing energy 2 years ago

Why do you hurt a person you love not once but in almost every arguement? I cannot get over this and that's why I have difficulties forgiving him for the hurtful stuff said. But because of our kids and because divorce is not something I would want - I pretend and I just keep calm and cool and say I am sorry though it's not my fault - how long can I last? It does affect me - I feel so miserable

fedupwife 2 years ago

I have been married 10 years. I grew up with a violent father who has a terrible temper. My husband treated me like a queen while we dated for 3 years and still does at times, but he has a terrible temper and likes to blame everything wrong in his life on me. EVERYTHING is my fault!!! I have been the one with the consistent job since I got out of college. For years, I made more than him, but never made a point about this. Even though he didn't always have a job or until recently never made as much as I did... I never brought it up. But, recently he has a good job and makes more money than I do - I'm glad for this. Now, he acts like a total ass to me - acting like I don't make enough money. I've always paid the bills and made sure everything gets paid. He gets angry at me over the most ridiculous things. I used to be a super patient, never get angry person. I get up early and get the kids ready, get lunches ready, get breakast, laundry, dishes, etc... leaving only 5 minutes for myself. He gets up late and takes his sweet time and then strolls in on his way out the door to yell at everyone to hurry up and we are going to be late. I'm so tired of his attitude. Plus, he acts mad that I don't want to have sex after he has yelled at me or won't talk to me. I've tried being super loving and kind and understanding. I'm tired of treating him like a baby and being so patient with him. I read these posts from other wives, and I'm so dumbfounded why we all put up with all this crap from them. I work a full time job, volunteer at my kids schools, try to keep a decently clean house and try to be good wife and mom and try to keep up with myself, so I don't look as worn out as I feel... why can't he just make the decision to be happy & appreciative. Men - Grow up!! And, to the man who is addicted to porn and can't figure out what his problem is - grow up. Duh??? Can't figure out why you're angry - don't ever look at porn again. You have a major addiction - no it is not normal to look at porn all the time and it is NOT normal to look at all women as sex objects. You need some serious help. Ladies - if you don't have kids and your husbands act like crazy maniacs... get OUT!!! I know I heard this from other ladies before we had kids and I thought I could make it work. Not all men are like this. I know my brothers don't treat their wives like this... I really agree with the blogger - the men who are insecure and afraid are the ones who act like this. We can't fix them. They need to wake up and realize what they are doing - they need to make the decision not to act like that. I pray that my son will never act like this towards his wife, and I'm so consious about his attitude and how he reacts when he is upset about anything. I'm so tired of the explosions from my husband that just ruin my day or days...I feel like he acts like a spoiled brat and I didn't marry him to be his mom. I married him to have a partner in life. Yes, I still love him and willl try my best to be patient and do what I can to encourage him and help him in this crazy life, but something needs to change in society where we teach our men how to handle their tempers!!!

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

I've read your article before and it is VERY helpful to me. Thank you for writing it!

My husband of 11 years ( together for 24) is angry much of the time and yells at me , puts me down, calls me names and basically blames me or others for everything. I searched and researched for way to improve my marriage and my quality of life and discovered the book by Lundy Bancroft describing this verbal abuse by men ( mostly). I'm not perfect either of course and I've been addressing my flaws and healing them as well. I know that I cannot have any quality of life with him, but I'm financially tapped at this point. Our 20 year old got away from his father in June, and is on his own and happy. We have a 17 year old still here. Husband doesn't get along with them either. Our business is struggling and I am looking for work...and the only thing I can find is part-time demoing at grocery stores and guess I will do that and whatever it takes.

I like how you mention shame on me if I tolerate it- well I didn't know how NOT to tolerate it as far as boundaries, I simply retreat to my new bedroom and shut the door or leave the house.

In any case, I'm depressed and for me ( I'm not capable of hurting myself I just tend to sleep more to find peace. From what I've read, when I finally get out of here, I will not believe what I was living under ; the constant emotional bullying - other people wonder I can even take it. I didn't know it was so bad as my childhood was in an alcoholic household like this one ( husband drinks every single day) so I had no idea I bad it was, as a people pleaser he's a control freak ; two unhealthy traits! As one counselor stated "Abnormal was my normal". Now I know . I exercize and have attracted very nurturing friends- good people over the years.

Any advice you can provide will help as well! Thank


Lynzi 2 years ago

It is completely mad reading all your storys. This page has helped me more than u will ever know. I have been in the deepest and darkest of places for the last 10 months and cant spk to anybody about it. And to know its not just me that feels like this helps a lot. I wish u all good luck ..I know u need it xx.

evea 2 years ago

hello everyone. i know this is an old post so probably no one will read this, but maybe it will help me just to talk about it. 6 years ago i left my ex, he was bipolar and had temper tantrum,. i got tired of the outbursts and his constant lying. i wanted to just be able to walk away make a clean cut. i wasnt even mad, i just wanted out because i realized this situation was hopeless.. he would jump off roofs, cut. himself, lie about other people to make himself look like the victim. i am 13 years younger , he was charming and i was 19. i was always trying to fix him but i was only enabling him. i felt like an idiot when i finally realized this isnt going to change.. i told him i wanted a divorce things started to get violent. he said if i was going to divorce him , i have to be ready to hit him with everything i got cause he dont play fair, he plays to win. i didnt know what he meant, i thought he just wanted all our things cars,furniture, house etc... i didnt care about all those things i just wanted out. i snuck out one morning with the kids and left him. thats when the real hell started. he started harassing me by calling dept of children and family by saying that i poisoned the kids and i was poisoning him , he must have called around 30 times in the last 5yrs. he has filed frivolous cases in different counties , numerous police reports , i am only giving a brief discription but the depths that this man went to to try to destroy me was he still pops up every once in awwhile to call my attention. when i left him that same night was the last time i spoke to him alone, no phone calls, no contact what so ever. he made up so many lies to destroy me, i was going nuts trying to clear my name and trying to keep the kids safe.. emotionally i am struggling with this ,its probably ruining my present relationship. this guy with me right now doesnt lie, but has a short fuse and holds grudges. i sometimes walk on egg shells..even after what i went through, i am still putting myself through stuff when it comes to men. i am also more sensitive towards attacks , i fight back now not like before where i would tolerate it.. i dont feel good right now..i feel like i didnt give myself enough time to heal, only 2yrs after i divorced my ex i started another relationship. i was going through hell and he stood by me..i am thankful for it but sometimes he gets angry over anything and when hes mad at me i get the silent treatment. i started do the samthing to him getting back at him because being nice wasnt working, i got tired of feeling like crap next to the man i love. i feel guilty and i want to apologize and start new..i am constantly depressed and i think i never gave myself enough time to heal ..

janice 2 years ago

trouble is there is no answer ___ we either put up with it or move away,nothing really works, there is no compromise. Men are basically unhappy and do not want to be controlled(or think they are}. Just keep your distance untill things cooldown.

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Dear EVEA:

It sounds like you picked another abusive personalty type of man unfortunately. I would encourage you to continue to reach out; marriage or partnerships are not supposed to make you feel bad or bring you down. Rather, a good relationship should make you want to to be a better person. You & your partner should treat each other with respect, cooperation, kindness and there should be an overall sense of good will present. That's what I'm striving for ( and those of us who did not have our parents model same:-) That's ok, we can learn now.

You are probably right that you did not give yourself time to heal.

I am in an unhappy marriage and come to the realization that I cannot have a good quality of life with this man; I've studied relationships ( through books, internet and counseling)over the years to try and fix mine, and learned what I'm dealing with ( read Lundy Bancroft and Patricia Evans books), and now I know I need to become self sufficient again to leave & have a good quality of life even if I 'm alone!

I'd advise to get counseling as well..There are free options if you need that. Google domestic violence in your area (even if it;s verbal only).

Much love to everyone here! Stay strong & positive.


tiredwife 2 years ago

Ladies, i have also been in a verbally abusive relationship. My husband would never admit that he has a problem with anger though. I am blamed and criticized for anything that goes wrong. He calls me nasty, swear names when he blows up. Every time I have an opinion of my own on a topic, express my own preference, dream about future plans and so on... he puts me down that telling me I keep complaining and I can never be happy with what I have. During a fight i try to walk away if I see it's pointless, brainwashing and just I know he will never listen to what I say. He would stand by his word and talks over me I practically feel like I am tired of it. The moment I walk away from a fight he calls me a coward and concentrates on all negative things he can tell about me like: you can't even find a good job, you are not contributing to the retirement plan..why did you even spend all that money on your college certificate , you are the worst in what you do...etc... Situations like this bring a lot of resentment and disgust. Until now I was dependent on him ( I am a foreigner -immigration, income) and I felt like I have to keep strong and live like that. Plus I have no family here, which made me feel extra vulnerable. I am feeling a bit stronger now and I feel like there is still a potential for out relationship. We tried counselling before which was disastrous in the end due to an unqualified professional who put all the blame on me...

I still feel like someone needs to points these things out to him as he would never listen to me... I was thinking of involving family members of his ( I opened up to a couple people in his family but nobody ever said anything to him like they are all afraid of him). What do you think about that family intervention kind of thing... I am tired of showing off we are this great couple outside and people think he is a great husband but inside he is really mean , condescending, rude, and showing no respect whatsoever... Also when you all say about setting some boundaries, what do you mean by that? Not talking to him? I have done that..what else? Please help

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Yes family intervention IS one of the things that has been proven to help. You are correct.

Get Lundy Bancrofts book "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling men" He's an expert. Flip to the family intervention section but also read the whole book. Tough read for sure, but you will know what you are up against. Also get books by Patrica Evans. You can even get them from the library which is what I did.

I read something yesterday that was so said

"No one can abuse you without your permission" which means "No one can abuse you if you don't stay around to hear it" meaning leave the room, leave the house whatever, while staying poised and calling him on it saying "stop it" or " I can't be around you when you act disrespectful", etc. This will help you keep your dignity and sanity.

Very difficult for these people to change- I'm with one as well....but the only way they seem to is when family members call them out. He long ago stopped listening to you...again I'm there .

Stay strong, he's trying to drag you down in order to regain control over you, when what he needs to control is himself.

Also checkout for VA survivor info and support.

Best of luck my friend. You have many sisters in common out there who share your struggle. You will not only survive, you will thrive! You are a worthy human being who deserves to be treated with basic human dignity and respect.

With love,


tiredwife 2 years ago

Dear Faith,

Thank you for your words of advice. It was so good to see your answer, someone's reaction other than 'not sure what to tell you' kind of thing from people around me.

I am sorry you have been going through that for that long. I have been only married for almost 4 years but past 3 have been pretty terrible. The thing is that his anger goes away for a while then strikes back so we would have months of good times and then months of hell. And this is why I haven't given up the hope that things will get better eventually...but they are not. I used to cry so much, I was so upset that i was the one to reaching out after a I became more aware and I can ignore him ( doesn't mean I don't bleed inside) and I can see a bigger picture, I can see the future without him and it s not so scary...

Much love to you too,


Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

You are on the right track for sure. I'm happy for you and for that! We all come to a point when we realize that you cannot have a good life with someone who can be so abusive some of the time. Even if it's just one day a year of hell, that is too much to bear.

Took me a lot longer partly to understand because I was in denial, a coping mechanism learned well from a childhood with two alcoholic parents, and because we had kids together. But there is truth in "seek and you shall find." It's liberating.

I think your future is bright.

Mine too.

Happy Thanksgiving, XO!


amm1983 2 years ago

I have been with my husband for 8 years, living together for 7 years and married almost 1 year. Our first wedding anniversary is on December 21, 2013.

I'm currently trying to figure out what to do to get my husband to go to therapy with me. When he gets mad at me he tells me that it is my fault and that he does not have a problem and therefore does not have to go see a therapist.

He has anger issues and I have intimacy issues. So when I push him away because I'm busy cooking or getting ready he takes it as if I don't want him or don't find him attractive or that I'm rejecting him. I honestly don't know why I push him away at times, and this is something I need to get help for as well. However, he turns one little thing and fabricates it in his mind into something that is so huge that can't be fixed.

Saturday, we were running late for dinner and as I was getting ready he was being very touchy and I told him to give me some time to get ready. He took this as a sign of rejection and got really upset. He told me "I'm pretty sure we are done." This is an issue I've had before and he says that all he needs is affections, just because I asked him for some space it does not mean that I don't want him or that I'm rejecting him, but this is how he internalizes it. He grew up with an abusive father and a depressed mother. He did not have anyone to take care of him or caress him or show him affection growing up which is why this is so important to him.

My problem is that I need to make him see that I am not rejecting him when I need space. He blows one little thing out of proportion and relates it back to something horrible about me. I must be honest and say that I have enabled him because there are things he does that I have never called him out on because I just want to move on. So now I've conditioned him to believe that everything bad that happens in our relationship is my fault. The sad things is that I have internalized this too. I really do think it is my fault and that I need to change.

However, this recent fight has lead me to discover that it takes two and that its not all my fault. He has to take some ownership and responsibility for this as well. I'v suggested couples therapy but he refuses to go. Please help! How do I get him to see that he has also contributed to the problems in our relationship?

It kills me to think that we are done and I refuse to accept this. He told me that the next time I rejected him we would be done. However, I feel that I did not reject him, but he does not see it that way. I love him with all my heart, he is my best-friend, my soul mate, my everything. I just want us to grow from this and adjust how we communicate in order to continue to work on our relationship.

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Dear AMM 1983:

It doesn't sound like you are rejecting him, if you need to focus on cooking and need time to get ready to go out- it's sounds like you just need space which is healthy and he is violating your boundaries. You can't possibly drop everything to cater to his needs every time he has a need. That is not healthy or normal. He does need help to understand this, as these are HIS issues & his responsibility- not yours. I would recommend educating yourself on characteristics of healthy relationships. The book "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend is a good one.

As far as Therapy; it sounds as if your husband has some control issues and is beginning to be a bit possessive. This can make choosing a good therapist critical, as a one who is not trained in anger or verbal abuse can makes things worse for you; ie: If you are honest in your therapy sessions, on the drive home your mate can blow up at you because of that- thus not respecting the validity of your reality- a trait of verbal abuse.

Having said all of that, keep searching for answers. You will find them. Your husband does need help; his behavior is not your fault- it's his to deal with and fix. You can help by not tolerating it as you state ( and by forgiving yourself; don't be hard on yourself for enabling - we're all here to learn!) Try staying calm, tell him you love him, and maybe say " I don't want to serve half-cooked chicken tonight honey so I need to fully direct my attention to make the best dinner possible for you" ( add some humor) or "I don't want to go out with you in my underwear...please give me some time, thank you." Speak without anger when he gets upset or blows things out of proportion, and tell him that he is doing that. Then leave the room and call a friend, post here or read a book on verbal abuse and /or healthy relationships, etc., to stay centered.

When he says "He's done" that's devastating and he shouldn't say that unless he means it. You might cut to the chase and ask him when he's calm, if he really does mean it. If he doesn't, tell him how it devastates you and that it doesn't solve any of the problems you two are having. If he does mean it, no matter how painful it will be, it's better to end it now, then it would be to wait 10-20+ years it which time things will just get worse. And kids may come along and they deserve better. Trust me. I took the second route.

And trust yourself. Deep inside you know what's best for you. Go within, pray, meditate be still and quiet-whatever works for you.

Wishing you love and strength,


Jana 2 years ago

I've read your posts and said 'Bingo'. It feels good to know I'm not alone in this but my heart aches for all others living this unfair life of heartache and abuse with no answers of resolve. It doesn't matter what career they are in. My husband is a professional but acts like a 2 year old or someone out of a bad nightmare which is real life. The first 2 years of our marriage were good and the next 41 were not. I didn't say boo for the first 30 years, just obeyed being controlled, suffered in silence, went into depression twice, became only an empty shell. I then went on long-term anti-depressants, became stronger, started defending my purpose and the controller blossomed into a narcistic abuser. I decided to seek a close relationship with God and let Him carry me as I feel His joy in the center of my being. Faithful Christian friends stick strong and true and I started carving out happiness for me. I no longer know the man in this house and our marriage is at a O but I have anxiety and fear of doing life solo. I'm here to tell you that an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship as this doesn't get any betterbetter, no matter how long you hope. It only escalates and the unresolve that you carry inside from the compounding years becomes too much for anyone to handle. Women need the courage to do what's right for themselves.

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Oh Jana you are so right. Trust yourself. These abusive types would be better off too if we left them, (and the next lady left) as they'd eventually have to face themselves, and heal and learn how to treat others properly or be alone in life.

I am so glad you found God (your higher -self or spirituality as I also term it) and that you have strong friends.

I support your efforts to go solo and also understand your anxiety about doing that.

You might want to sign up for Patricia Evans newsletter - it's uplifting and helpful and you will find like-minded souls there. LOT'S of support. There's also a workshop in May 2014 ( relatively inexpensive too) I'm thinking of attending:

With love!

flwife 2 years ago

Amazing how many posts mirror my life. The anger seems worse now because he is dealing with changes in his career, aging, physical health, and since I'm around, I'm taking the brunt. I think the stress of marriage (less than 1 year) has made it worse. He uses many things I've confided to him to hurt me when he's angry, and takes the positive valuable things I have in my life and blames that for his problems. He almost always asks Why would I do this to him? Why would I intentionally make him angry? He's apologetic sometimes, and has even said he knows he's angry and doesn't want to take it out on me, but he always does. Thanks for so many stories of similar situations. I feel better and am letting go of the creeping feeling that maybe I was doing something. I know there are things I can do differently, but he needs to deal with his issues. I'm looking into some of the suggested resources. Again, thanks.

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

We certainly have an anger epidemic w/ men mostly... don't we! Boy I have two sons and want to raise them to be healthy adults who are good marriage material. My 20 year old is aware of his fathers anger ( his father hasn't admitted it yet) and I think will make a great partner should he choose to marry. My 17 year old sometimes respond with anger and I seem to be constantly reminding him that he can answer in a normal "Non-emotional" tone, instead of the anger-tinged one he uses. Definitely want to nip that in the bud.

FL Wife: Definitely look into the resources mentioned here ( and Lundy Banckrofts book) and don't stay in the room and be yelled at it; try stating in a calm voice that you can't be around him when he talks to you like that and support yourself and leave the room.

Wishing you love, strength and clarity!

iowa mom 2 years ago

I have been married to an angry man for 13+ years. He hates my parents even said he won't be sad when they die among other mean things. Every time he says mean things he appologizes but I'm getting so frustrated with the situation.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi Sue87, sounds like you have quite a drama queen there at home... "threatened to quit his job, check into a mental ward, or kill himself..." Oh boy, my mom's boyfriend is like this now too. Guys can be such babies, can't they? :-) Anyways, I feel your pain as I used to be a bit "dramatic" myself. If you asked me, I'd say you're lucky he's your "fiance." Take the time to learn his ways now before you have a ring on your finger and a baby in your hands. I wouldn't take any promises seriously, only actions. If you see him take his development seriously and see real changes then it may make sense moving forward, otherwise.... Hang in there, you're a wonderful lady for trying to work through this.

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Couldn't find Sue87's original email, but from what Tadasland the moderator wrote, I'd call off the engagement immediately. If he's acting like this now, before you get married, you are headed for a nightmare.

If he wants to really change, you'll see that after you break it off. He'll respect your boundaries because you called it off, and may actually change and behave well. Either way, breaking it off is in your best interest, in my opinion. to garner any real, healthy & lasting change.

Good luck!

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Dear Iowa Mom:

I am so sorry you are going through this. That is so unhealthy for him to behave that way to you! One thing I learned is that we shouldn't be married to people who are mean to us, period. That type of marriage or relationship does more harm than good. That doesn't include the rare blow up and then apology saying "I'm sorry honey I've had a bad day at work & I shouldn't have used that tone"...but a spouse should never say things such as not being sad when the two people who gave you life die! That is blazing disrespect for you about two people you dearly love and most likely have the deepest connection with - your parents.

I don't know if your husband can or will change, but seeking help is a sign of health and healing for YOU. Please keep reaching out.

I'd recommend learning all you can by reading books ( Dr Steven Stosney- Love without Hurt is excellent), & going to counseling for yourself, etc.

Stay strong & positive! Look for the good.

You are not alone...many of us out here are rooting for you to have a happy, healthy and fulfilling life & marriage!

With love,


tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Faith Ann, you're something special. Thank you for participating here and supporting these ladies.

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

How sweet are You Tadasland! Thank you for saying that....makes my day.

And thank you for starting such a compelling hub page...!


LJG 2 years ago

I would highly recommend all of you ladies reading "Way of the Peaceful Warrior" by Dan Milman. It was incredible and helped me with my depression immensely and I am hoping will help my husband who has anger issues. We are only 3 months married. Wish us luck!

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Sounds interesting LJG. Anything that lifts a spirit is worth a look!

Good for you for facing & addressing your husbands anger issues early on, as what you will and will not tolerate will set the tone for the rest of your marriage. How he handles his anger, whether in a healthy or unhealthy way, will greatly affect the quality of both of your lives.

Stay strong & positive.

All the best of luck to you in 2014 and beyond!

Faith Ann

Unimpressed and unconvinced. 2 years ago

Every article out there about dealing with poor male behaviour boils down to this: it's NEVER the mans fault and it's NEVER the mans responsibility to work on the issue. It is *ALWAYS* up the the female partner to swallow their pride, dignity and self esteem go to the store and buy some more patience and BABY THE MEN INTO PROPER BEHAVIOUR.

That is complete bollocks.

It is NO ONES responsibility except the GUILTY PARTY to amend their ways.

Telling the wife she's essentially responsible for a husbands idiotic and misplaced anger AND responsible for fixing it is BULLSH*T!

These men—all men— need to pull up their boot straps am get with the program. It's not your wife's fault your angry or abusive or stressed at work or unable to comminicate. That's an INDIVIDUAL problem that can only be dealt with internally by the INDIVIDUAL.

Grow up.

Own your problems and quit playing the victim by blaming everything onthe other sex. It's 2013, not 301bce.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

A nice fiery comment there but I’m afraid not a very constructive one. :-) EVERY lady who commented here knows that her man’s anger issue IS his responsibility. What this article meant to address was that if one finds herself in a proverbial “shithole” one has three options: 1. Scream and shout at the person who pushed her in there. 2. Climb out and run away. 3. Buy nice furniture, plant some flowers and live in it till things get better.

Not everyone can do Nos. 2 and 3 but we all know how “productive” No. 1 can be. I also stress not to objectify angry men as some sort of wild untamable beasts. Anger is a symptom. There are ways to work through the issues, especially WHEN the man himself makes an effort.

It’s easy to say “These men—all men— need to pull up their boot straps and get with the program.” Sure! We all agree with that here, don’t we? Wouldn’t that be an awesome and quick fix?! One problem though, how the heck does one do that, right? If you have any other insights besides what was already discussed here by us all please do share.

Until the men do pull their pants up and start owning up to their weaknesses all there’s left to do is to manage our own mental health and look for ways to improve our condition.

Ladies, I AM one of those men who this article was about, that is why I wrote it. I did CHANGE but it took a lot of effort. It is possible. But I stress - I worked on it every day by focusing on my spiritual practice. My wife too had some things to work through; rarely anyone is perfect.

I am happy for you all who are taking time to learn new things. One needs fresh perspective to solve old problems. Many blessing and Merry Christmas to you all around the globe! Tadas.

Angel Eyes 2 years ago

Hi I have been married to a Angry man for 13 yr's. We have 2 kid's 8 and 10 yrs old both special need's.5 yrs ago he lost a very good Job and we had to move to another state because of fiancées ,since moving his anger outburst are almost everyday. I try so hard to keep the peace but I cant

It has gotten so bad that I am sick with heart problems ,high bp and

a ulcer. I told him today he needs to go for some help. He then say's you think I'm a bad man don't you. His darn pride stops him from getting help. How can I make him see he needs help

tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi Angel, it is very hard to give advice without having a full picture of one's cultural and religious background. It also very much depends on the personality of your man so no matter how badly I'd like to help I can't do much more besides the general advice in the article and some good comments here from other participants. In general, are you still talking? Just keep communicating to him that you're hurt, his words cause much anguish and just ask him to try more. I'm sure its the stress that's causing him to be so miserable so try to work through things with him together. My wife helps a lot by helping me see things from broader perspective and it is also helpful to hear that no matter how bad the finances get we'll get through it no matter what. Money is not everything. That support is very important. Wishing you all the best.

Angel Eyes 2 years ago

We are Christian's. My husband's family has a lot of mental illness in it.

His brother and sister have bipolar disorder and his father was very verbal abusive toward him. His father passed 8 yr's ago and his mother passed around 10 yr's ago. My husband is the kind of man that has to have everything perfect. Life is not perfect at all. He has no friend's

as he has a real hard time making friend's. our son's have ADHD and autism. He cries a lot about his mom and dad still and he never got over that. He say's he wishes they were still here. Life with his has been hard

he does not like to inner act with me and my son's. he reads, watches TV and play's games all the time. If you ask him to do anything else forget it

he meltdown like a kid and throw's things and scream's. He does not help with the kid's and home as he think's that is a woman's job only.

He make's more mess than my son's. throw's things on the floor. Being married to him is super hard and makes me feel like he wanted a mommy not a wife. I am 4 yr's older than him. He has a Job but it does not make the same as he use to make. This Dec he maxed out 3 credit card's . We are now 5000 in debt. He think's going to therapy wont help him with his anger. His sister goes to therapist and takes med's and now she is addicted to them. That's his reason's for not going I been feeling awful trying to help him and feeling I'm getting no were. He cant show love at all. He does not like kisses and hugs to much.

deepa 2 years ago

Thanks a lot dear. I have been treated as crap from day one and when everything is smooth, it is okay but when his majesty finds anythings goes against plans, then it is hell for me and others in the house. This helped me a lot.

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Dear Angel Eyes:

Sounds like your hubby is depressed and in a LOT of emotional pain. He's trying to make everything "perfect" when his life is anything but, and he knows it. And he's trying feebly to fix it in a very simple yet ineffective way.

I would suggest counseling for YOU, which will help you better understand what's going on, how to cope with it in a healthy way and how to facilitate positive change. You cannot make him go to counseling or seek help or do anything for that matter; only he can do that. Though you can listen and guide him ( if he'll accept guidance or advice).

As he still misses his parents almost a decade after their passing and cries about it in the present; he's mourning the past and thereby completely missing his entire life! I don't think he even realizes this, but if something had happened to you, or one your children he'd probably be crying over you still. It's normal and healthy to mourn, but that must end after a while in order to live fully in the present - which is all we really have, and to have a rewarding & fulfilling life.

Can you & boys play games with him? What else does he like to do? Play catch outside? Go for walks? Work on cars? Garden? Try these healthy things to rekindle your bond.

Do you belong to a church and have a pastor you can speak with? Perhaps he can join a Mens bible group there and make friends and learn patience and how to express anger in a healthy way, & also how to find happiness again and heal, while bonding with other human beings. He is wicked acting out, like a child, in a desperate cry for help. I suggest you answer.

Keep searching for ways to help him heal...and heal yourself.

Stay strong.


Pray for his healing and for your family's healing. Even an open ended prayer for what's best for you and your family will work, if you're not sure what to pray for.

Good luck to you Angel Eyes!

Have a very Merry Christmas, & a happy holiday season.

Best of luck in 2014!

With love,

Faith Ann

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago


Check out Lundy Bancrofts book "Why does he Do That" Hard read but necessary.

Be kind to yourself ( and to him).

Stay Strong.

Glad the site has helped...helps me too.

Thanks Tadasland.

PS Tadas: Did you think you'd have this kind of response? Probably helps you too....correct?

Have a very Merry Christmas & happy Holiday season everyone,

Faith Ann

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Unimpressed and unconvinced:

I'm happy to say that there are a LOT of articles and books that call out bad behavior for what it is- the responsibility of the person who perpetrates it.

We can, though, choose to leave the room, the house, the state or the entire relationship if we choose to, and not be subjected to the firestorm. Even if leaving the relationship takes time ( to build up resources, etc) we can still plan, hope and do it. A flower reaching for the sunlight from a crack in the sidewalk, still manages to find it, even while getting stepped on. It never gives up. Keep searching for the light!

Wishing you peace.

With love,

Faith Ann

mjssmom 2 years ago

It's Christmas today. And I'm torn between fear for the future and hope for my two daughters and I. Two days ago I made my husband leave after years of dealing with his angry, verbally abusive attacks. I definitely feel relieved! I'm feeling anxious but the atmosphere of life draining tension already is less at home in knowing that his anger today is not going to be present today to wreck our day....... Again. We don't have to listen to him this morning ordering us around, trying to control even "how" we unwrap our presents, berating us for getting wrapping paper everywhere, lecturing us about how we aren't opening gifts correctly. Yes, he honestly had to control these things as well as our feelings, thoughts, opinions, etc. We could not reasonably have the right to our own feelings if he didn't agree with them. Often we were told how we have to feel and threatened if we didn't change our attitudes about something. I learned how to not personally take responsibility for whatever crap fell out of his mouth to the point that I could take back control pretty easily by simply being completely indifferent and matter of fact about his attempts to use his anger to make me feel unworthy. It was my daughters who are now 14 and 12, baring the brunt of his outbursts when he could no longer get a reaction from me, that prompted my need for him to depart. He would verbally punish them when I didn't "take" his tantrums. He knew the way to get to me was by going after them. It was a daily thing for me to have to step in to diffuse his anger and defend my daughters against being berated for minor mistakes or even things that weren't really wrong. The most minor of things could cause his overreactions. We never could know or predict what would set him off. the name calling and berating us was the worse next to his self righteous excuses for feeling justified without ever feeling the need to apologize was the most hurtful. Pride, arrogance, insecurity, entitlement destroy relationships. Everything is always someone else's fault. Never his. I am a Pentecostal, us ladies take standing by our man and dealing with whatever trials God hands us very seriously. My pastor, while my religion teaches us man is the head of the household, preaches very frequently to the men in our church that is not a position to be abused " for a wife is more precious than rubies". She is her husbands biggest asset to be lifted up with respect and dignity above all others. Only The Lord comes first and The Lord directs man to be a kind, loving husband that must consider his wife's feelings in the decisions for his family. Most people are surprised how equal a relationship this can create when applied correctly as my pastor teaches it. In my case however, it was my pastor, that despite trying to work with my husband about his anger, came to me and said, you must let him fall. That may mean separation, it may eventually mean divorce even though that isn't ideally what God wants. But God also wants my girls and I to be treated with love. The same love God has for us. That is the purpose of marriage. It doesn't mean I have to immediately file for divorce, it means giving my husband the chance to be by himself to hopefully repent for his actions and take responsibility for changing himself. That may not happen, but it might too. I was very surprised my pastor supported possibly what may lead to the end of my marriage. It's not something the church wants but as he said, sometimes no matter what we do to help, the internal struggle with ones demons need to be fought on a different front and my biggest concern needs to be that my two girls are safe and learn that they are worthy of love and of partners who will treat them " more precious than rubies". So my husband is gone. I don't have any real hope he will change but I can do nothing but pray now for him at this point. My biggest challenge is my own anger, judgment and resentment. I feel he let us down and his actions were selfish. I believe in forgiveness but anger is preventing me from giving that just yet. I hope I've done the right thing. I'm terrified about financially supporting my girls. I didn't want to be alone at my age. I've been isolated due to his behavior, few people know him as anything other than an upstanding guy until recently when he called me when I was with others we knew to "let me have it" and I put him on speaker for everyone to hear it for themselves at which point I stated I was not hiding his behavior towards the girls and I anymore. My pastor said the best thing I could do is realize his anger is not our fault and make him own it by not hiding its happening. Shame is also a powerful tool. After taking an verbal beating, pastor said it is not my job to tolerate it and protect my husband by hiding it so he doesn't look bad to others. Very true. They actually got to hear him tell me to take him off speaker so he could yell at me without making them think he's an "asshole". I admit, I started laughing as I said everyone heard that too as I looked at their shocked faces. Finally there are people that know now. They heard it for themselves. I'm sad though. Anger like this is so unnecessary. It's so unnecessary to cause others pain. And now I'm super angry myself at him which is healthy either.

wife of hyde 2 years ago

Oh I sympathize with mjssmom. I'm going through a rough Christmas with my husband. He acts like a great guy around my parents but has temper tantrums around me when it's just the kids and I. The worst part for me is that he never taste responsibility for his actions and never apologizes. For example, the other night he got angry because my 3 year old son was running around and ran straight into the dishwasher which I had left open. Mr. Hyde started screaming obscenities and kicking the dishwasher. I didn't react and left him alone but my 3 year old was very upset. The next day was Christmas Eve and he called me as though nothing happened during his lunch break. I emailed him the arnold anger video, and his response was "what are you talking about, that anger wasn't directed at you. " I explained how it makes me feel nervous when he acts like that, how it scares the kids, etc. But he just minimized his behavior then got defensive and said he wouldn't waste time talking about it and hung up on me. This is not the first time he has acted like this. Then he was fine while my parents were here Christmas night but as soon as they left he picked a fight and then refused to help me wrap any Christmas presents or anything for the kids. He claimed it was all my fault because I was being a b. So basically if I ever confront him even calmly the next day he treats me like garbage. I'm at a loss. He expects me to behave like mother Theresa but he is supposed to get away with the most egregious and appalling behavior with no consequences. And obviously he can control his temper at work and in front of my parents but chooses not to around me. And I have 3 kids 3 and under and I depend on him. What a quagmire.

I'mnotperfect 2 years ago

Christmas Day and here I am again. Married for 35 years and have had 2 huge arguments with my husband this week and the latest one today. I have been through counseling to try to learn to cope with his angry moments but a piece of me gets chiseled away every time I think he is manipulating me to admit to something I didn't intend or actually say to him. I have to admit I got angry on Sunday and I didn't give him more space today to cool down even more but he was punishing me with non verbal actions. And I don't think at this point in his mental processing that it would have made a difference. He or I usually pick up each others plates after we eat but he was not doing this since Sunday's argument; he wasn't washing the dishes like he usually does, and he told me he just wasn't going to speak to me anymore if I won't listen to him. He had been physically abusive in the past. Out of 35 years of marriage I can recall 6 years of a good marriage and feeling safe with him because of him taking an antidepressant. I remember telling him after he started his medication the first time around that I could see the man I married coming back to me. He didn't start being abusive to me until after we married. Our courtship was about 9 months and we had a lot of fun together. After reading this article and MJSSmom's comment I saw the same thing in her comment that I have been living with. I read something recently that talked about IED, Intermittent Explosive Disorder. When I tried to speak to him today about the possibilities that b/c of his upbringing maybe he would like to read about it and see a doctor. He became incensed and told me he would give me 1 chance to retract what I had said and admit that I had verbally attacked him by saying it. He said since he became a Christian, as an adult man of 32, he was evolving into who he needed to be in Jesus. I agree with a statement like that since I too believe in Christ and try to follow His teachings. I reminded him that God gave us something between our ears that we are supposed to use when we are having problems or making decisions. I just couldn't bring myself to admit to attacking him, although if I had I wouldn't be on this blog, so he packed some bags and walked out. I tried to ask him to stay but I actually knew that wasn't the thing I should do b/c it makes me look needy and my counselor from a couple years back told me that isn't what I need to do. His short temper, flare ups, explosive moments have always caught me and our dtrs off guard. I'm not angry at this point, I think I'm hollow. My anxiety comes out when he starts yelling and when he leaves me. Even while my husband was yelling on Sunday said, "After 35 yrs we are still at this same place again". Yet he refused to admit that it was his decision to wreck the wall and not b/c I had said something to him. He didn't admit to anything he just didn't say anything. I admit I am sad but if I can't make a comment back to my husband even if he is correct in what he is saying and if I can only state that he is correct when he is correcting me about something then I'm realizing at my age my life with him is probably over. He made the comment that he has to be the one to point out my character flaws b/c I have no one else to do it. He thinks my girlfriends would not say anything to me b/c they think I would talk back to them about it. When I asked him if he is the one to point out my character flaws then who points out his? He doesn't have any true friends only social media friends from his past whom he communicates via computer. He has been the pastor of our church for the last 9 years but doesn't have an accountability partner which I tried to point out to him last summer and again Sunday. It has been a tough year. People in the church have left and my husband was looking to relocate the church. I had told him I would not be in leadership role this time b/c of the emotional pain I have endured by those who left the church. I am still working through this, but he tells me I must get it past me b/c he can't pastor a church without me. He then told me Sunday that he had to turn down 2 interviews with churches b/c they also wanted to interview me. He says he did that b/c he wants me to be second in his life next to God, but yet he treats me like he does. Today I told him I don't think God wants another church start until he and I get some problems taken care of. Sunday, he punched holes up and down a wall that now has to be repaired. He has spoken from the pulpit about anger, a husband loving his wife and a wife respecting her husband. Unfortunately he believes he is justified in his amount of anger which is really rage b/c of me. He needs help but denied being depressed. He had started drinking beer in large amounts a couple of months ago and I addressed it in a loving way, voice calm and low and told him I thought he shouldn't bring anymore alcohol in the house b/c he knows he has a desire to drink a lot of it when it is in the house. He refuses to state he is an alcoholic and maybe he isn't but I think he definitely uses it to numb his own sadness, rage, anxiety, fear. Now he is enraged again. He believes I should pray and get on with life in dealing with hurt and pain. When I tried to explain to him again that I do pray but God made us human and I'm not perfect. I struggle with my own depression and have to let things work out. After speaking with my brother, a kind and compassionate pastor, he reminded me not to call my husband or go find him but that when he comes back to the house to tell him he can't stay until he agrees to get help and then has been getting help for a couple of weeks before he can return. Imagining the crossroad that is coming. I don't want to be separated and definitely don't want divorce but I have to be realistic and make this choice for my health as well as his. Afraid and not wanting to deal with this. Hating this situation right now. In closing I think there is a difference between an angry man and an raging man. One can lead to the other. My husband has to choose where he wants to be. With me or not. I'm a pretty great gal. But I'm not perfect.

TR 2 years ago

Hi Liz nice you shared certain things i though might help me & that I need to try.

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Dear Mjssmom:

AMEN to your pastor!

What a wise man he is for guiding you on the right path. You are so strong to have asked your husband to leave (& I'm glad he actually left) as the only way he can heal and learn to treat you and your beautiful daughters with respect is to face himself. He actually felt better ( temporarily) by blaming you and putting you down, so he didn't have to deal with his own problems. Well, now all he has is himself to deal with. His choice, so be it. He didn't deserve your companionship!

I love the "Your wife is more precious than rubies" quote. I can't wait to find a man like that! They are out there. Either your husband will become one or not. At least now you have the opportunity down the road, to meet someone worthy of YOU. And your daughters are watching, thank you for saving them. You've taken the most loving and powerful action you could for them. Your actions taught them not to tolerate anything less than respect; and to be treated with dignity and love.

I think you will find that your anger will subside with time, and your compassion will grow for your estranged husband. This is the best thing that could have happened to him as he has the chance to become a better man.

God bless you!

Faith Ann

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Dear Wife of Hyde:

You are so perceptive. You analysis is spot on as to your husbands behavior and how wrong it is.

Have you read Lundy Bankrofts book "Why Does He Do That?" Lundy's an expert in the field and although his book is sobering, it will let you know what your up against. In a nut shell, your husband down plays his behavior and has a very distorted view of how bad his actions actually are. He feels superior to you and feels entitled to act in anyway he chooses, because he gives himself a pass. But, as you accurately state, your behavior must rival the great Mother Theresa! Which is absurd and %^$#backward!

With 3 kids 3 & under, you are obviously strong as a rock! Studies have shown that letting others know helps (in his family preferably if you're close with them), as they will call him out on his behavior and he can't hide from them or blame you. It'll make him squirm when reality hits him in squarely the face.

One thing is for sure, the bad behavior will continue and will only get worse over time, so you need help in dealing with it. Can you leave, or ask him to? Can you go to your parents? That would give him a much needed wake him call.

Don't panic. You're smart, & you know you need to do something. Trust yourself on your best course of action.

With love,

Faith Ann

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Dear I'm not perfect:

Sounds like your husband is depressed. He and you have lost parishioners, and that's got to be very tough. He is self medicating with the alcohol. I think your brother is right, & I'd strongly consider taking his advice.

You have to be strong and you can be. Taking a tough -love stance is not only in your best interest, it's in your husband of 35 years best interest as well. You both can get through this. I'd definitely confide in and counsel with with your pastor brother a LOT. He can hold you accountable. And perhaps your husband will find an accountability partner again. What a beautiful thing; an accountability partner! I love that. We all should have at least one!

Best of luck to you. I think you will be fine.

Wishing you peace and love in the new year,

Faith Ann

hopeinlove 2 years ago

hello...I've been married for almost 8 months....still getting over how my husband ruined my birthday, and then our first Christmas together...and now we have another big argument...

Reading all the posts gave me encouragement and made me realize that I am not alone... and was wondering whether to comment as well...then my husband got out of the room and told me to sleep already...because I am just enjoying "benefits" while he is working hard.... (just as a background...before we got married I had a good job, and lived with my parents and my life was so comfortable, we had help so I never had to do anything around the house...he convinced me to quit my job, and now we live in an apartment twice the size of my old bedroom...and I had to learn how to do all the is like a whole different lifestyle but I didn't complain...also he is expecting me to be the main breadwinner after I finish my additional studies... so I wanted to tell him badly..."what benefits???" )

anyway... I told him I am not even doing anything to you...I am just reading here...and he went away angrily...but what made me decide to comment was when my husband came out of our bedroom just now and turned off all the lights and even tried to close my laptop while I was using it, then he threatened to throw a pillow at me....(he's put a pillow over my face before...though he denies it...)

I am confused at how it ended up like he was the "victim" when it all started when he made a joke (actually an annoying song) about how fat I am and how greasy my skin is cos I like to eat junk food...(I am not fat, lots of people think I am too skinny... he is the first one ever to have called me fat and the only one who makes me feel I am ugly) I got up with a huff and lay down on our bed...he still kept singing and added more insults...I asked him to stop it because I already told him before it is not helpful to tease me or say negative things...I do not call him negative things or names...and we argued about this several times already....I told him the teasing has to stop...

then it escalated to a full blown argument...that led him to dig out past arguments (which he also actually started....) then in the middle of recounting our past issues...he said "I don't even f**king like your f**king cooking"...I was surprised that he swore, and I felt hurt that he doesn't like my cooking at all when he told me that it was good....and while i was trying to talk with him to patch things up...he sarcastically said "I'm sorry, you are not fat, you are the most beautiful girl in the world and your cooking is the best" really sarcastically...

Then he said more degrading things about me, how I am lazy, and that I pretend to be sick...and now it is like he is the victim...I am so confused...I tried several times tonight to reach out to him and ask him to show me that we are ok...he said that we were....but then he said mean things again and this time I ended up sobbing so much thinking about my happy childhood and how I never saw my parents argue...

I don't know how to deal with him..he's like dr.jekyll and mr.hyde...

I'm also tired of making 99 steps out of a hundred to make up after every argument...I've told him before we need to meet halfway at least...

Just now I turned on the lights again and he got up and turned it off and told me to go to my parent's is 2am here...

Nobody knows that he is like this...I can't go to my parents it would be embarrassing, they and everyone else think he is perfect and that we have a great marriage...they just don't know that I cry at night and sleep on the sofa...(yup..he sleeps on the bed and locks me out of our bedroom when we argue...)...sorry this is a bit long but I just don't know what to do....

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Dear Hope in Love:

You are doing nothing wrong.

What I've written below may sound harsh, but it's born out of my personal experience. You can say "I learned the hard way." I hope this helps you break free and find a quality of life for yourself sooner...rather than later.

Here goes:

Your husband is VERY controlling; convincing you to quit your job ( so he could control you more effectively), turning off the lights and trying to close your computer while you're still using it, & putting a pillow on your face ( which is downright scary!)- all these are violations of your boundaries. It is not healthy for you to be married to this man, ( and it's only been 8 months) . That he calls you every name - the worst ones he can find - to hurt you - is not your fault. He's trying to break your spirit and undermine your progress in life. To better control you.

You must shield yourself from him and I would recommend letting your parents know. You must for your own health and safety. To have others think he is wonderful (along with all of the other inexcusable behavior you mentioned) is a classic hallmark of an abuser. He isolates you- and behaves like Mr Right in public, so that no one could possibly believe you when you finally tell the truth. And you will at some point - You cannot live this way or have a normal life with this man. Your parents will believe you, I would imagine. If not, tell a trusted friend. Eventually you will realize and/or breakdown and tell someone, I'd rather it be NOW, because this will only get worse.

It's actually good that it is this early in your marriage, it'll be easier for you to leave, but leave you must if you are ever to have a happy life like your childhood. In fact, that you had a happy childhood bodes well for your future happiness. You know his behavior is WAY out of line and wrong.

This man is not healthy at all. Who knows if he can grow and heal. But you should not continue to pay the price for his bad behavior and if you stay with him, you will.

You cannot rationalize with him, he doesn't respond to that.

He will respond to you leaving though, which I'd recommend. Don't tell him beforehand for your own safety...just leave. Be sure to stay gone until and only if he gets professional treatment in an abuse program for 6 months-2 years. Finding a qualified therapist is crucial. Not one who says you're are half the problem. That kind will make it worse for you, as he'll justify his behavior by harping on the one thing the therapist says you do wrong, while ignoring the many abusive things he does as if they don't exist (thereby invalidating you as well). When your problem is not you, it's that you're married to an abuser. Choose a therapist that is trained to deal with verbal abuse.

Don't kid yourself; the stats on men ( or women) learning to be kind, considerate, worthy companions after displaying the kind of behavior he has, is slim...not impossible, but it must come from a sincere place within HIM.

Again, I strongly recommend telling your parents ASAP. Preferably from a friends house or at their house so he doesn't completely crack and hurt you any worse than he already has.

In closing, I would take this VERY seriously. He is sounding warning alarms for the massive destruction coming your way in the future; mental, emotional, spiritual, financial - even physical (caused by his behavior) there are red flags everywhere. His behavior is SO out of line, that you must face it, it will not get better no matter how saintly you behave or how much more BS you tolerate. Get out while you still can. You can have no quality of life with this man as it stands now.

Doesn't mean he cannot change or that you don't love him or that he is inherently a bad person - he's just messed up....but he definitely won't change if you stay and tolerate this crap.

Best of can do this.

Please feel free to post back here and let us know how you are doing...or if you need more support...or anything at all.

Wishing you love and strength,

Faith Ann

confused 2 years ago

I just want to say thank you for your perspective. I googled "how to deal with my angry husband". I appreciate your filling in some of the blanks. For better or worse. After 14 years, you think you would know a person. But I realize that we were never truly married. He worked so many hours, I worked for him, we had four kids and I went back to school. Fast forward to last year, I lost my mom. We had drifted apart to far that when I needed him most, he wasn't there. I nearly demanded he be my partner, and he (rightfully so) pushed back and got farther away. I went to a counselor to realize much of what you said. I have a part in how he acts by my reactions. However, it takes a lot of energy to go through every what if statement and choose the correct one to make, hoping he doesn't blow. I think its easier to talk to a stranger. I choose now to no longer have an opinion on anything. If I think differently or shoot from the hip about how I feel of anything (including boundary drawing), he gets major attitude and spouts off mean comments. I have touched the electric fence enough times and also had to be the rational person enough times, I am worn down. He sends me a message that says he is sad we can't talk.... I can only say "DUH" in my head.

He is an intelligent man, manages dozens of people and yet feels that if he is frustrated with them, he would never speak to them the way he does to me. So I am sitting here today, contemplating a decision I feel that came to light 2 years ago. I need to go. I have hit a wall, he will not see anyone, and made me feel as though I am the one who has the problem. I went to see someone though. He refuses, I am sure it's because he will be found to need "work" on some things. His comments of "it should be natural, I don't have to think about what to say it just should come out" are nuts to me. I think about every word that leaves my mouth, and when I don't speak like a robot, and shoot from the hip, world war three breaks out. It is like he has the idea of what he wants but has no clue how to get there, and refuses to put any work or energy to get it. If I give an example about how he "works" for his career moves, or "works" on business relationships, he yells telling me not to tell him how he is. So because he won't get help, I have become a mini-psychology interest, manipulating myself to move through these past 2 years with the least resistance. I woke up today. I have lost ME, I have lost the relaxed, easy going person. I walk on egg shells, I am programmed. Its not natural , I am walking in a ME suit, where my brain over-processes everything. I am drained, avoid him, refuse to talk to him for fear that whatever I say will result in a huge fight in front of our kids.

Thank you for writing this, I feel I got a peak into him....even though he couldn't find the words to express it himself.


No longer confused.

slawson83 2 years ago

Those of us who live with an angry, hateful spouse constantly have our dignity tested, there is no way around that. My husband and I have been married for 30 years and have been separated for a couple of months now. To live in a peaceful home is heaven. No more taking care not to make him angry. No more trying to diffuse his anger. No more shielding family from his anger. I am free at last!! He says he is willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage, yet he is not willing to see a counselor, either as a couple or individually. I have done all I know to do. Our sons no longer seek out his companionship because being with him is a real downer. He has finally taken responsibility for his anger and thinks he can solve it on his own. It's not possible. I believe my husband's underlying problem is depression, for which he will not get help either. Bottom line, for the author, a loss of dignity is inevitable when living with an angry spouse. To say loss of dignity can be avoided is naive.

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Happy you found clarity "Confused" When respect for the individuals in a relationship is lost, it cannot work. If our partners treated us a their best friends, instead of possessions...what a difference it would make.

"Slawson 83" very well said. Congratulations on your peaceful. new life! That is my plan for this new year.


Faith Ann

Manju 2 years ago

I am living with an angry husband. Every one who know us do hats off for my patience but I have no life. Always being ill treated, insulted, suppresed and what not... My life has gone in vain after my wedding, cannot even come out of this relationship becasue of many cultural aspects, kids, my parents dignity and etc. I have no shoulder to cry. Just regret everytime I remember how I have got sunk in this relationship. hopeless me.

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

I think it's time for a revolution! This is ridiculous, all of the mean men out there. They have no idea the massive amount of destruction they cause, or the souls they are trying to kill! I now understand how it must feel to have found a nurturing, supportive relationship, they are so rare.

I was reading a Patricia Evans book ( she's an expert on verbal abuse), and it talks about how men who behave like this are missing a part of themselves that they never developed; the empathetic part that allowed them to cry as children, so they've never became "whole."

This subject (mistreatment of women) needs addressing on a national and a world-wide scale, and I'm getting close to dedicating a part of my life to it.

Please try to stay positive Manju. I feel your pain, believe me. I also feel better when my husband is nice to me, like a friend would be. But when the dragon comes out , and it always does unfortunately, it's so deeply distressing and heartbreaking.

Hang in there, you never know what tomorrow will bring. I say this to you and as I write, I am speaking to myself as well.

Love you all,

Faith Ann

kiki LDR 2 years ago

i have one question , i wish you would answer

Can angry men or abusers leave a woman, or they just threat her?

we are all in the same shit ladies.....

the thing is i am engaged with him, and he 's getting worse and worse because of documents issues ( we're from different countries)

i love him more than anything else in this world.

PS: nice article and you can't imagine you saved many ppl lives.


tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi kiki, to answer your question, yes angry men, as well as women can leave their partners. As I've mentioned before, many times anger is just a cover up for a variety of other things happening in the relationship. I'd need to get into your husband's head to find out what's really going on. One thing I know for sure is that his ego mania has no ballast now because he feels he "owns you" over those imigration documents. I had a friend in similar situation as yours but she really did have a very unstable individual on her hands so she just suffered through it till she got her green card. But you're pregnant so you're in much deeper than one could wish for. You can only hope that his family and friends or some divine power will intervene some time and help you bring him to his senses. Tough situation, hang in there.

shady 2 years ago

I have lived with an angry husband for years, when i meant him he was shy , passive withdrawn , he thought i was fun loving and exciting, he has a sensitive heart cried at lassie movies, he was somewhat a drinker, when i meant him he was 30 and living with mom, no real responsibilities, when we bought our home together and the responsibilities came is when his anger stated to flare and at first it was directed at the society for making his life hard, i was working at the time, so much of it was not directed at me, then with a car accident , and a mother in law that keeps tellign him i am to blame for his plot in life, for a short , starts the whole angry scenario of attacking me , it reflected on our youngest and now there is only strife and disrespect for me, toward me, I have always been a christian and this helped when i could turt o the father Lord Jesus for help, it has helped him some, but still the drinking, i agree men that drink are more or less cowards they cannot face thier fears, do not trust in God and God has shown him amny times over how he care for him , but the biggest thing is he goes right back at it, there used to be a time when i just took it, i felt it was my fault, i took all the horrible word callings hurts till it had me int he hospital, then the Lord showed dme, he was sick, I didn didn't know achol and anger was an illness, once i realised this it changed the way i looked at him and realized this wa wasn tt my fault, so then we began, he willing go for months loving caring winter has it worst effects on hi, . it has helped i took glutter from our lives stay ograngized so he doesn;t become upset . and changed colors for brighter more eventful colors even the new sun light bulbs helped , but winter is still winter, he still has his moment but i do not let him tear me , down, he will trow comments lets divorce, i i say maybe it would be better then he gets quiet for now, even though i am without a job, we would still have to sell all and split the funds and i trust in God, but where does that leave him, still a drinker, still angry and what he is looking for is not looking for him . so it does not take long for him to change his mind, i agree with you show love to anger , but sometimes we women need to be heard to , but once u do it i warn u you will pay the consequences , thus the bible warns us to marry of equal yoke, ,because of the up and downs trying to spare us from it, but if your reading this your already there, stop and ask yourself do u really want to start over, because now you have been damaged and yoru older what partner is going to want to be with your dmage ,it could start all over ,

Shady 2 years ago

I would like to give a tips or two to the persons out there to try and reach your partner,

1. print off how you feel and leave it where they will read it, a lot of times people listen better when its written down, Start with i feel lost

2. leave lov notes again as if your dating ,it keep them conscience about your feelings

3 tell them your not controlling . but trying to protect, property, feelings, and family values

4.I have to say if he is being disrespectful in front of the kids then say this to him so the children hear it


6.This really helps hang pictures of thing you loved together ,do not let memories pass away we quickly forget

maybe you can add to this

Kim 2 years ago

Wow, I have to say this has really helped me, I read the whole article plus two hours worth of posts. At first I thought it was weird that women would be so specific and after reading a bit more I started seeing how wonderful it was to read how everyone opened up, these experiences, cries for help, the advices, the questions, fears and insecurities, they all help healing, at least temporarily. At some point I thought I should ask for advice, since I came looking for this article right after a fight, but now I don't feel like it, reading for so long made me feel understood, it calmed me down. My mistake is always trying to fix things, he gets mad, IRRATIONALLY MAD, and I want to fix things, mostly him, I too feel as if he's getting angry because there's something else in there, so I think he's hurting and us fighting will make him feel worse so I try to make things better by going after him, by explaining him, by trying to calm him down. All this just gets him more fired up, I know all this but I can't help it, I do love him and it hurts me to see him so angry, I just want to hug him and make his issues go away but I know that if I do that when he's so angry, I'll get physically hurt, after all, it's happened before. I know I should not go after him when he storms out, I should not feed his fire, I should not try to rationalize, he's not thinking clearly and he's just being a stubborn child, blocking all rational logics there are in the world.

Coming here helped me stay away and feel ok by not going after him, at first I cried and as I read, I felt stronger, I can't cry right now, I feel good about not having to share a bed or a room with him right now, I feel free and happy in a weird way.

For the first time in years, I don't fear the morning after a heavy fight night with my husband. For the first time in our relationship I'm feeling pampered by myself, I feel like I matter because I'm caring about my wellbeing before his.

So what if I get the silent treatment, he's acting like an idiot and he knows it. He's not talking to me because his ego is too big and his ego is big because his insecurities are huge. He has told me a couple of times before that he's envious and jealous of me, he doesn't explain much but I know he would like to be able to do some of the things I can do, sadly he's not envious of any material goods, if he were, things would be fairly easy since I share everything I own with him. Instead he wants my talent, my discipline, the rewards I've gotten after years of hard work. And every time he feels challenged or threatened by me in any way, he tries to push me down telling me I would be nothing without him.

My friends still wonder why I'm still with him, I wonder too sometimes but I believe I'm emotionally attached.

I day dream about him being loving and caring, that's all I want, I would stop complaining about his lack of common sense, bad hygiene, lack of social skills, irresponsibility, money issues, obsessive behavior, laziness, and competitive nature if he would start being loving and caring. At the end I just want to feel loved, I'm really lonely.

My stepson is starting to behave like him now, I guess after seeing how your dad is to everyone, it would be almost impossible for him to grow to be a completely different person, especially if he ends up getting what he wants that way. It's really devastating and to be honest very exhausting, I'm too young to be a teenager's step mom and with two behaving like childish monsters I have enough drama for a year every day. I feel and look way older than I did 4 years ago when I started dating, who can blame me if I live with two grumpy hermits that spend their days yelling at me and cursing the world they live in.

I have thought of ending it for me plenty of times, I've done too much, suffered a lot. These men are all following a pattern, they're sick, but to be honest, most of us women that decide to tolerate such behavior might be ill too. I speak for myself now, but I've chosen at least 5 partners with similar traits, things never end well, I'm always emotionally or physically damaged, I always try, I love a lot and give in a 100% but it's always the same. I'm following a pattern and I'm choosing the men my subconscious thinks I need. It's wrong of course, nobody needs this, but I can't seem to get out of this. I've been in therapy for a long time, I'm still hooked up to insensitive, disrespectful, violent men. I think I'm sick and sometimes I think I have too options, either I live a lonely life as a single woman and deal with the fact that I can't get in serious relationships or end my existence and rest, peacefully, put an end to my constant struggle and endless stress. I don't want to sound like a martyr but the second option is the one I find most appealing.

Sorry about the dark sounding lines up there. I'm just so grateful that I found this and found a little strength hidden in me. I'm not feeling as hurt as I did before. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

kiki LDR 2 years ago

dear Tadasland,

am not pregnant lol, he's my fiancé, and we're preparing for the wedding

we are in LDR , and suffering with immigration docs, we're from different culture, country , language but in the same religion side...

i am beautiful , 25 years old, and he's acceptable, 32 years old, he's a british pakistani, and i am an Arabe Algerian , we 've known eachother online and met , we 're with each other for 1 year and 7 months, i know it's two early for the wedding but our relationship developped quickly, since we planned that in the first time.

i think angry men are too serious to get married and are always in rush to marry, and here's a quicky trip inside his head through what he says;

"you're a silly girl, good for nothing".

" you can't go nowhere without asking me"

"i'll teach you a lesson if you don't listen to what i say"

"you're irritating me by telling me it's a matter of waiting"..

"you're punished"

"i have had enough of this shit, when they can send the file back?".

"i am sick to death by waiting, i am not going to wait too long"

"i don't like small talk, call me when you have news about docs"....

other characteristcis:

-he doesn't have friends( his friends are his family)

-he's suspicious, but he's a man of his word

-a hard worker

-he responds aggressively, if i :

comment, judge, or express that he got a bad character

- he threats me by leaving me or silent treatments when i can do nothing about docs.

* and yes he treats me like he owns me sometimes like ( "don't cut your hair", "dont make your eyebrow", "don't go with your friends", "block this friend", "you have a homework today" even if he's far

so what do you think?

what can you advise me?

my nighmare is when he threats me that he 'll leave me

PS: please keep that in private, just thought if he can find that through surfing's gonna be my day of judgment lol

but you can answer everything , i don't mind.

sorry my english may seems horrible lol thank you, you're a great man , you didn't change yourself only, but other ppl as well.

we're fun and we love you.

yours kiki.

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Dear Kiki:

If he left you it would be a godsend. This man wants to own you, if he acts like this now before you're married, you are in for a living hell. He will ( and does) treat you like a prisoner. This will only worsen.

Find a way out now. You can NOT have a good life with him, only one of misery.

There is nothing you can do to make him change. He wants a slave / servant , not a true partner. He will not be fair to you or treat you with the respect you deserve, he thinks he's superior to you. He's not!

Find a job, move out ( don't tell him beforehand, just do it). He'll be very nice when you do to get you back, then he'll be worse than ever. Don't move back in with him. Find your self sufficiency so you can pay your own bills and control your own life. He will try to get you to quit your job to control you. WATCH OUT FOR THIS. Always keep your self-sufficiency.

Start over before you get pregnant, and trapped.

Sorry for the harsh reality, but it's the truth and you desperately need to hear it.

You are young and beautiful. You can have any man in the world. Don't settle for a man that does not treat you well. Wait for one who can be a true partner that is GOOD for YOU, nurtures your soul, and supports your goals and dreams. Someone worthy of your companionship.

Best of luck to you, and thank you for reaching out.

God bless you!

With much love.

Faith Ann

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago


I neglected to mention that as he is part Pakistani, his culture treats women like property, so he doesn't know any better. That doesn't mean you have to take it or live that way!

kiki LDR 2 years ago

i am desperately reading this Faith Ann Matin...***

he wants a slave !!!!!............., then he'll surely look for a true partner when he gets a slave *

do you think he won't support me financially after marriage?

i really can't love someone else the way i loved him, and he knows it

and he sometimes tells me that he was not forcing me to marry him, and i that i could leave him, if i didn't want it that way, "his way or the highway"

tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi Kiki, sorry about the misunderstanding before, someone left a comment on my blog with a scenario very similar to yours; got confused thinking its the same person. Anyways, Faith Ann is so right in saying you better watch out here. Listen to me carefully, if you don't like the way your fiance is treating you now, IT WILL GET MUCH WORSE after he's your husband. :-) I can't judge and say he's an awful candidate for a husband. The things you wrote he says are not pleasant but they are not super abusive too. I know Pakistani men, used to have some friends and clients from there, it's a very patriarchal culture. Men think they rule and they act like that. Sorry but I don't see Islam in general being very supportive of women's rights, quite the opposite. I know there are many exceptions from that part of the world where men are also very courteous and respectful but I can tell you from your fiance's language he's probably going to be very condescending towards you. If you can live with that well then go for it, but if you feel you can do better, well then move on. No immigration papers in the world are worth a ticket to slavery. Be smart.

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Hi Kiki:

I DO think he will (probably) support you financially after marriage, but that was not my point. The way he treats you now; "his way or the highway" is the price you will pay for marrying him. Translation: Your opinions, hopes, preferences, goals and dreams will not matter to him and you won't be heard as an individual. You deserve respect, and kindness along with a cooperative spouse with whom both of your needs are met ( the vast majority of the time) throughout your life together, and there is a general feeling of goodwill in the relationship...only then will you both be truly fulfilled, whole and happy individuals with a good quality of life.

Did he live in the UK? If so, for how long? Perhaps he'd consider some sort of counseling to change his controlling one way street ways, PRIOR to marriage. I don't know if he will, but it's your only shot at happiness if you marry him. If you choose that route, find a good counselor who understands your predicament, and if you're not satisfied with counselor # 1, move on all the way to #10 if you must until your satisfied.

I know you are not happy with him now. He's not listening to you....and you are not fulfilled, correct? If his behavior does not change, your happiness level will not change either. And after a number of years, you may feel hopeless and depressed as well, as the life you will be living will not be your own, but what HE sees for you. Which isn't much.

I'm very happy that you see a problem now, you have a chance to solve it BEFORE you marry this man (if you marry him). If he won't go to counseling, that will tell you a LOT about how he will react to ANY serious problem you have...that is; he doesn't care that YOU have a problem. He doesn't even care that you are suffering. Why would you want to marry someone like that? It's very unhealthy for your emotional well-being and can only lead to unhappiness.

I simply mentioned earning your own income so that you don't have to take his mistreatment. You CAN leave, and find your own way, find someone you love even more ( believe me it's possible, even probable at your age) on your own terms, and who treats you right.

In fact, you may not love the next one the way you love him, it may be better than the way you love him! If he's taking advantage of you because you love him so much... shame on him! Don't give your power away. You might leave and he may come crawling back to you. Who knows? Except the way it stands now is not working for you as you stated. Good job at recognizing that. Now heed the warning!

Good luck to you, and feel free to check back if you feel the need to.

With love & strength,

Faith Ann

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Dear Kiki:

I also wanted to add that I am old enough to be your mother, and at 25 did not know what I now know, which I learned through my 24 year marriage.

When you marry someone, you want to create a life together, equally. I am concerned that you say " he sometimes tells me that he was not forcing me to marry him, and that i could leave him, if i didn't want it that way, "his way or the highway." At least he's telling you what to expect beforehand. He's not interested in changing now, and he wants complete control.

However, if you take a stand & say you will NOT marry him unless you will have an equal say in decisions about your life, you may have a chance. You are in America now, and can find much support from women ( and men like Tadas) via support groups, friends and sites like this one.

Good luck!

Take a stand and fight for your rights, and the rights of your future daughters.

Faith Ann

kiki LDR 2 years ago

i like what you said Tadasland by " no immigrations paper in the world are worth to slavery"....and you're so very right.

it's true Islam has told us to obey our husbands as they are protective to us:

"Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. (The Noble Quran 4:34)"

but not to the point where they use our obedience, Islam said women are equal to men no difference:

Allah Almighty also ordered men in the Noble Quran to love and respect their wives; "O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may take away part of the dower [money given by the husband to the wife for the marriage contract] ye have given them, except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and God brings about through it a great deal of good. (The Noble Quran, 4:19)"

they are practising Islam in the wrong way, and use the wrong way against women, and that's sad.

in Algeria they give 100% right to the woman , because before she was your wife, she was your mother, so the God is far from being unfair dear Tada, but it's people.

Pakistanni are so severe and bossy , that's why my mom told me to think twice before i engage myself to this mariage, but the thing which making me still being with him is ,he's so lovely and adorable when he wants to be lovely, he is nice when there's no problem, but when things are not going like he expected ( docs), he completely changes .

i always like your comments as they are interesting for me.

yours kiki.

kiki LDR 2 years ago

Dear Faith Ann,

you know i started neglecting him a while, he 's now so nice after that he's talking to me like " give me a kiss" , " your hair is nice"

and you're right , ma not heard as an individual, he decides evrything, but he loves me nad did not find someone who loves me like him, most of them are not trustworthy, i only found stability with him, you may say am messed up, and something is wrong with me, but i really can't see someone else except him, some has told me am under his spell lool

he's living in the uk all his life he was born there, the thing is i am happy with him, and looking forward to talk to him everyday, but am still not fulfilled with the love i deserve, and that's the reality .

it's true i was cheerful and he took the child out of me, now am still telling myself i have to be mature, and i can't hide that am depressed when he mistreat me, but still sis not reach the level of a hopeless woman...which i dont wish to.

he only cares about my problems when it doesn't concern him, but if it comes to him and he punishes me, he doesn't care about my problem which is his punishment itself.

am glad that am talking with en experienced woman of 24 years of experience, and i would like to thank you so very much as you did not scrimp your experiences to tell us.

you're a great woman.

yours kiki.

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Dear Kiki:

Thank you so much for your kind words.

The Quran is right about respecting women as equals. Perhaps you could remind him of that! And take in a Quran study group with wise men and women who treat each other well.

I would say you need to assert your rights right now, if you ever want have a truly happy and fulfilling union.

He's showing some signs of verbal abuse; he's really nice sometimes, then turns on you and mistreats you when you disobey. He's literally trying to train you, or rather break you. Don't fall for it. Don't'll just get worse.

Living with a man that is sometimes nice, sometimes mean, will throw you off balance and have you searching for what YOU can do to make things better, when you (or your behavior) are NOT the problem...his behavior is the problem. He'll probably deny yourself.

Stay Strong.

I so hope you will take this very seriously....this is your chance, you obviously love this man very much, this is the time to be strong and state what you need him to change exactly (regarding his behavior) to marry him. One of Payricia Evans books (The Verbally Abusive Man - Can He Change, even has an agreement in it) Then you must be prepared to walk away as he will surely test you. But it is the only way, otherwise he will not take you seriously. It may be difficult to do, but it will be MUCH more difficult if you do nothing and agree to a "non' existence" type of life where your opinions don't matter. You can't live like that, it will slowly kill your spirit. Maybe he doesn't even realize this. He needs to.

You might check out and any of the Patricia Evans books to understand his behavior and what to do about it.

With love,

Faith Ann

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Dear Kiki:

In closing:

You are going to have to fight for the life you want to live!

Faith Ann

kiki LDR 2 years ago

Dear Ann,

i will try all what you said , and i'll keep you updated..

oh Allah give me strength!!

thank you so much you're so sweet and kind.

yours kiki

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Good for you Kiki!

Good luck!

Look forward to hearing how it goes and how you are doing,

Faith Ann

Tanya 2 years ago

What do you do if he doesn't REALIZE he has an anger problem and he thinks he can do no wrong? And even when you try to apologize he doesn't accept it?

tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Tanya, I know exactly what you mean. When two doesn't see eye to eye you need a third observer. Most people live in their own universe and surround themselves with other people who support their views. Nested comfortably in this environment people feel safe and supported. Unfortunately, this also means that they may not be aware how narrow and small their cocoon really is and outside perspective is not welcome. So normally someone needs to rock their boat and show them that no matter what the angry person or his friends think, their behavior is out of the norm of a respectable human relationship. Seek help from outside; you basically need to find a good neutral mediator (relative, friend, colleague) who can observe you both and offer his/her perspective.

When you offer this to him he may feel threatened but if he really thinks there is nothing wrong with his destructive attitude then he'll be up for the challenge.

Faith Ann Matin12 2 years ago

Hi Tanya:

Sounds like he's not listening to you...not hearing you. That's not good. The one element necessary for a healthy, fulfilling relationship is respect. That means honoring the partner enough to listen sincerely to their complaints (provided they are not a chronic complainer) A partner should genuinely care that his spouse is upset, and honestly try to address it. The first step in addressing it is to repeat back what the partner has said to make sure the complaint is understood. This will make you feel heard, respected and loved. And that will build your relationship and make it stronger.

Does not mean that he will do this should you request it....depends on how long he's been acting this way, and how healthy he is emotionally.

If you tell him what I just mentioned, and he makes fun of it or discounts it, you have a much bigger problem.

Right now, it sounds like he doesn't know how to be in a relationship and is leaning toward trying to "Control" you and everything about the relationship, as if you are not a separate person worthy of respect. You are. If he doesn't listen or address any issues; they will just grow and fester.

Tadas is correct, in that I'd seek outside help in the form of a good counselor.

Also try reading on the subject of healthy relationships: Dr Stephen Stosney and also Lundy Bankroft about controlling behaviors and how to stop them.

When he doesn't accept your apology, he's not interested in making up- only in control, which is very sad, and must be very frustrating for you.

It's not your fault. That you must know.

The fault lies with his behavior and it must be addressed.

Thank you for sharing, good luck to you my friend.

With Love,

Faith Ann

Desperate need of help 2 years ago

My husband and I have known each other for almost 5 years now and from day one when I moved in with him it's been a constant hostile relationship between physical and mental abuse. I love him so dearly I don't even think he knows or even cares how much pain he puts me through. At times I just want to walk away from him and never look back but my heart always stops me because I truly love him more than I have ever loved anything in my life. He just doesn't get that and honestly I don't think he even does love me like he always says I made him marry him I wanted to have a baby so he have me one. I forced him into this whole relationship. Am I stupid to keep trying for a person who has made me cry every single day for the past 5 years? He has always put everything above me. Never even bothers to check on me ever or do anything nice for me. I never ask for much just an I love you or a rose even a freakin ten cent candy would mean the world to me from him. Gosh when I wouldn't give him the time of day he was constantly after me now all he ever talks about is leaving me and my son then when I kick him out he gets mad and says it's his house he pays al the bills I work too I try my hardest I buy him anything I ever hear him say he wants but still nothing I even pay as many bills as I can afford. But nothing I ever do is enough sometimes I feel so helpless and think if I was gone would it make his life better? But I have my son and I know no one will take care of him if I'm not there :( I'm so miserable but still can't seem to leave him. Why? Why am I sooooo weak.

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Desperate Need of Help:

It's hard to leave because you love him and you so want this to work.

It definitely isn't.

Have you tried personal counseling? I wouldn't recommend joint counseling because your husband does not sound interested at all in your health and well being or the well being of your marriage.

You have a job and a son who needs you. Do you have friends or parents you can move in with? Can you afford your own place?

This type of relationship will only cause you more misery. You deserve to be treated with love, kindness and respect and you can find it, but you can't find it here with someone who dismisses his wife - the person he chose to spend his life with - like she doesn't exist, and he could care less if you were lying in the street somewhere, and now says he's was "forced into marrying"

Ok, we all make mistakes.

Honor yourself and your son.

You will find happiness, but not by tolerating massive disrespect by being married to someone who treats you worse than a dog!

Of course that would make anyone miserable. We aren't born to be unhappy and stuck in bad situations, we are born to thrive and prosper. So, we must surround ourselves with supportive, kind people who nurture our soul...and that # person is our spouse. If said spouse turns into the devil incarnate, well, we now know we have the opposite of what we need to grow and prosper. We are living with poison at that point and must get rid of it. Sorry to be so harsh...that is true, and you need to hear it.

It's not your fault that he is so mean and that he disregards your feelings. These are HIS issues but you need not tolerate them once you understand the truth.

Oh how I understand your predicament! I find my husband gets meaner when he's stressed out & instead of working together to solve a problem; He starts in on me...the spouse is an easy target. Why he acts that way I have no idea- it's completely counter productive. But they won't listen to reason...even though you think they might.

I don't know what has happened to our men, so many women are in these situations with mean, immature and unwise men!

Take care of yourself first, so that you can be there for your son and become a strong, happy woman.

It will hurt to leave someone you love, but it is your best option and in your best interest in my opinion.

You've been together 5 years....5 more and your love is and will diminish for him, may take 20, don't waste those years and put your son through that.

This marriage is making you sick....It's not a marriage worth having, it's more like hell on Earth. There is heaven on Earth. I suggest we both go & try to find it!

I suggest you leave ( if he's violent don't tell him beforehand, just make plans and go while he's out. Call the police to escort you if you have to) and save yourself & your son.

He may try to change, but change will take a long time, so if you leave and he sudden;y says he's changed, make sure you include joint counseling and separate living spaces at that point for a good, long least 6 months to see if he REALLY changed or not.

Know that you are loved!

Your precious little boy needs you to be strong , healthy and happy.

You can do this.

I wish you the best!

Faith Ann

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tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi I'll add a few thoughts to Faith Ann's insightful answer. I noticed that many times when people tend to stay in abusive relationships they do so for a couple of reasons. 1. Their spouse's good qualities actually outweigh the bad ones. 2. There is more practical benefits of staying in the relationship that outweigh a quiet peacefull life (money, house, kids together, etc.), and 3. People are profoundly attached to their partner and can not even phatom living without them. Love and attachment are not tbe same. People who cling to old memories in hopes to relive the sentiment some time in the future usually miss out on life and everything it has to offer. If I was in your shoes I'd test your husband by actually offering a divorce or leaving for a few days. Dont get angry but clearly explain your feelings and if your hubby doesnt make an effort to patch things up you'll know he has given up on the relationship and staying with him and allowing your son learn how to treat women would be much worse than estblishing a new life on your own and extending a courteous cooperation wih your husband when it comes to matters of your son. Generally a good advice is that if you cant fix the situation then leave it. When we fall in mud you get out ,you don't bathe in it right? :-) (sorry for typos answered on my phone)

lia 2 years ago

My husband is just plain mean. From the beginning of our marriage he set the rules. (18 years) If he is angry and I bring up a point that he did the same why is it okay for him and not me? He says that was in the past and I am not aloud to bring up the past. I am not aloud to talk to my mother in her language because she speaks English well but he is aloud because his mother doesn't speak as well. I don't feel free to visit my family and they are not free to come to my house. He is always talking to his mother in her language(she knows English) and I can't understand. His sister whispers with the mother in their language about be. They stop when I walk in. He doesn't care and acts like he doesn't notice. He was physically abusive many years ago but now he stopped the physical abuse and denies he ever did. His mother laughed at me and said he didn't when she was getting angry and saying I tell my mother everything. I said I never told her of the abuse. I only told you. She said it never happened. (She knows it did) I went to her to get him to stop when it was really bad. All she said was "did you swear at him" like I deserved it if I did. Now he pretty much ignores me and has passwords on all his electronic devices. He comes and goes without saying where and is vague about where. It is easy to say to leave. I tried. We have kids together. He was nice for a while after I tried to separate but ended in almost new anger like why should I be nice to her. He has his own business with his mom and now it looks like there is no money ever since we tried to mediate. He is having surgery next weak for a skin cancer that is pretty evasive so I am sticking it through for now. He is meaner than ever because of that. I physically get migraines and shoulder/arm pain. I am looking to go back to school and get a job as I stayed home for the kids. I have been home almost fifteen years. So it is going to be an adjustment. I hope one day I can be free of this pain but right now I have to stick it out. I cringe when I hear the door. I hate the weekends. His family is awful to me. I have seen a counselor for a while. We have seen one many times. both individual and together. He usually stops seeing them when I finish my first few sessions as he puts on a good show, then they hear my side, are flabbergasted and suddenly he goes to his next session and drops out. He laughs at me, makes fun of me, makes me feel useless. When his friends and family found out that I was going to leave they pretty much either ignore me or give me a look. It hurts because they have no idea what I deal with day to day. I had a monthly allowance given by him. When I finally got access to one account he let it go empty. He is not honest about his finances. He tells me work is slow, yet the earliest he comes home is between seven and eight. Long story, sorry but I did some of these suggestions for his anger. He doesn't care if I say sorry and I am not really able to tell him I didn't like what he did because it starts another fight. His voice is very loud, it is scary to the kids and me. One may think that if you are educated and aware that it can't happen to you, that is what I thought. He was nice at first and slowly his neanderthal ways of what a woman and what a man's role is came in to play and it was too late by then. I am sorry for all the women that go through this as I know the horrible effects of a mentally and physically abusive husband can do to someones whole being. I would like to say one thing more. If someone tries to tell you they are being abused please tell them "I believe you" Don't question it and don't say something like, "well everyone is good they just make bad choices. (it happened to me and it is enough to send someone over the edge)

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Hi Lia:

My heart breaks for you, but you are not alone!

I'd say take good care of yourself & nurture yourself. Make sure you get enough sleep, take long hot baths or showers, exercise, do things with your children. He is a major A-hole no doubt. Perhaps his family doesn't believe you. Heck, I think I'd tell them the whole truth all of the time in a calm, rational manner and stick to it. If you see he gets meaner and he probably will, so what, there's nothing you can do, but YOU will get stronger. And on some level his family will know the truth.

BTW Talk to your mother in your language and tell him to F' off! That's it. He talks to his Mom in their native language...who does he think he is? He's not your master no matter what he says. Don't get overly emotional just be the woman you are, speak to your Mom in your native tongue and say he does it too. It's a two way street and his rules are the same for you. If he wants to change and be respectful, then you can too but that's just the "way it's going to be" now. If he hits you or shoves you call the police. In other words, take no crap any more!

And when you do get that job it will benefit you in more ways than you realize; your self esteem will grow by leaps and bounds as will your happiness. Plan for that day and stay strong.

Do you have friends or family you can confide in and who will be supportive? Cultivate those relationships.

Find fun and enjoyment in this world, even while you are still in an unhealthy situation. Enjoy your kids while they are still at home. Till you can make a new rewarding life for yourself.

Post here from time to time and on other websites to find and build a support system.

You got this!

Find support groups for women in your situation. You will continue to be move in the right direction.

Try to be the best self you can be - to him as well. When he's mean say " cut it out" you will be honoring yourself.

Read books like "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bankroft and Patricia Evans books and website.

Read spiritual books or books about positive living.

Eventually you will grow stronger like an Oak tree and he will see that on some level and even respect it ( though he may not say it).

He'll know that you know he's full of it...and you won't pretend any other way.

Take care of YOURSELF Lia.

Your kids need you and you need you!

With all the love and encouragement in the world!

Faith Ann

Karo21 2 years ago

I lived for 23+ years in a marriage that sounds so much like everyone's here: with an angry, abusive, controlling husband. All those years, wasted! I knew, really knew that I needed to get out after his first violent outburst (he never hit me, but he did about everything else) about 3 1/2 years into the marriage. Why did I stay? Because my mother! She said, "Honey, you have already had a child, and you should try your best." Had I left then, I would have not had to endure 20 more years of emotional upheaval.

As they say in the military, 'S%#@ rolls down hill', and most of these guys take it out on the people who are most vulnerable. In professional terms, it's called anger transference, and to be quite frank, I got tired of it. Every week I wanted to die or get a divorce, or both. My oldest daughter still harbors ill will toward her Dad because he never spent time with her, never took her (or me) on a vacation, but he sure was available to all his family and friends. He did what he wanted, period... With his money and time (gone every weekend, all weekend), and had a very expensive hobby he spent probably millions on (I never knew how much $), made me and my daughters live like paupers, and was a complete a-hole.

He made everyone think he was a prince of a person, and they would be mortified if they knew the real person I have had to deal with. I treated him like a king, and he ignored me, used me, and FINALLY!!!! I had had enough...

Sad thing is, had I left 20 years ago when I wanted to, knew I needed to, I would have probably had a better life. However, I cannot afford to look back because there is so much hurt and pain, so much regret. I refuse to let that nut have anymore of my life, and certainly he would if I ruminate on him.

I have prayed for him, I have prayed for me, that God take this love and empathy out of my heart I have for him. I realize that I do love him, but I cannot live with him. I have to take responsibility that I enabled him to do these things, but I did it out of love for him and our children. The love will make you stay, and again, I should have left 3 years in. Had I known how hard it would be after 20 years (his hooks were in, and fear of the unknown makes you stay, too), I would have definitely ran then.

At some point, and after years of tears, I had to give myself the same advice that I would a good friend: RUN!

I live in my house I had 5 1/2 years before I married him (can anyone believe the abuse I put up with and it was my house???), and I try to feel good about myself which is a whole heckava lot easier now that he's out of my life.

He still tries to call me, control and yell at me after 3 years (we still have a child who is underage), but I tell him: "I am not married to you anymore, so don't talk to me like that" (Next time he does it, I have good advice to say: "NEVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, Or I Will Cut Off All Communication!" Enough is enough.

My words of advice is this:

Run, don't walk; you cannot change them

It hurts you and your children

It teaches your children bad things! Like, your daughter: its OK for someone who loves you to treat you bad (UH, NO! Wrong message!!!)

Your sons? That it is OK to treat women bad. Again, wrong message.

You cannot change people, only God can do that. Our job? To speak the truth in love.

If you want to leave? (and you probably should if he is unwilling to get help) Do it secretly. Women are killed everyday in this country by angry men who are supposed to love them. Women are at more danger when they first leave an abusive relationship (and always being angry is abusive---make no mistake).

Find a women's shelter, or domestic violence/abuse organization in your area, especially if you have children.

Document physical abuse, emotional and financial abuse, and anymore abuses (there are many that people can inflict) with the women's advocate/domestic abuse center. Take their advice on legal issues and help with safety and security.

Try to get an attorney (the women's center will help you) to establish your custody rights with your children.

If you think he may try to hurt you or take your children, get as far away from him as you can. If he is violent, drinks, or has mental issues (has threatened you or your children), make sure the authorities know this and where and why you are leaving the state (if you can).

Know this: You will be much better off as quick as you can get away from someone who brings you down. There IS power in the tongue, and as THE BIBLE reminds of us this, there is life and death. Which do you choose on this most magnificent day? I know this; I choose life, a good life.

God bless and keep you!

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Karo 21:

Nothings speaks like experience.

Congratulations on making it out of there with your ( still) minor children and your sanity. I hope the future brings only good, positive and nurturing people into your life (I feel certain those are the only ones you'll let in).

Thanks for sharing your story.

May the next 23 years be brighter than you can even imagine... God bless you!

Faith Ann

Karo21 2 years ago

Thank you so much, Faith Ann, your message is so encouraging to me.

Today, I am 53. It breaks my heart that I spent my younger, beautiful years on someone who had such a dark heart, but I cannot go back, only use my story as a warning for others.

At age 48, I graduated with my B.S. degree (something I wouldn't have done had I listened to my then husband). I am still trying to find my place in this world, and I thank God for my experiences, for it shows me who I do not want to be.

And, you are right, I am very guarded and somewhat fearful of letting anyone into my life. I have an increased sensitivity to any signs of conflict. I suspect that I am suffering some aspects of PTSD, and I do try to surround myself with people who love me and care for me. God has blessed me with many, many great friends, and I am so grateful.

I hope to use my education and write several books one day. One book I hope to write will be about my journey here on earth, and one about the devastating results of emotional abuse and anger within families and the toll it takes on a society as a whole. Unfortunately, violence against women and children seems to be only escalating in recent years. So, it is of paramount importance for people (men get abused, too) to educate themselves about the propensity of abusive, controlling partners to inflict even further harm as the abused try to escape their situation. One cannot be too careful when trying to leave!

Of course, had I known that one day, twenty years later, I would need to make significant changes to maintain my sanity and save my life, I would have acted way back when and left the marriage. One cannot predict the behaviors of another (it often escalates to more abuse, if that is one's history), and one does not have enough insight when one is young to know and realize that negative talk affects your well-being, your self-esteem, and every aspect of your life.

My hope is that one day, my story will serve as a catalyst for others to gain freedom from oppression, doing it in a safe way, of course, with enough wherewithal to rise up and be the people that they have always dreamed of being. Living in a hell everyday is not a life for anyone who wishes and hopes for happiness, peace and success.

Through all the hell I endured, I still managed to raise a child who went to college at age 15 and has become very successful. I cannot help but think that the life we lived with her father served her well, as she is now successful, married, and is well-adjusted. I am most proud of her, and I continue to try and be the best mother to my little 11 year old. I know she will do well, if it is up to me, and that is my only focus: to be the best mother I can, being the finest example of love, forgiveness, and compassion I can.

She knows I have forgiven and still love her father, but she sees the way he is and understands that I cannot live with him. Those things are important for any child to learn, and as The Good Book tells us that we are to forgive 7 times 70, it does not say we are to live in turmoil all of our born days.

I pray for all who live in fear and are beaten down. I encourage all to pray a lot, build a network of friends, and reach out to others who have the knowledge and expertise to help.

God speed!

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Karo21:

Thank you for your kind words. We all need to stick together.

I too have cultivated and nurtured friendships over the years, and that has been vital to my emotional health & well being.

We need people to validate us, as our mates are saying the opposite of what is true about us, and yes, that definitely erodes our self esteem.

I'm 51 and still in; my husband knows I want out ( and I'm planning such), I just couldn't keep it in any longer. Although I do think it's better if you keep your plans a secret, I found that it just added to the heavy denial I had lived with for so long.

I still love my husband and wish he would get the help he needs. He is an alcoholic, and I suspect there is also a personality disorder there, and unresolved anger. I hope to afford rehab for him at some point ( even after I leave) He may not go, but at least I'll have done everything I could possibly to help him.

Just can't have a good life with someone like that.

We have two boys ( one still a minor), and as they got older he started to take his anger out on them too.

I found that reaching out has helped me tremendously. And for every women posting here ( or anywhere) looking for answers - reaching out is a sign of health - keep doing it!

I started a new yahoo account if you'd like to develop an informal a support system.

From what I've read, it takes a lot of time to heal from emotionally abusive situations....give yourself time will get there.

I'm so proud of you already! And your daughters have a strong Mommy!

Good for you.

Stay positive!

With Love,

Faith Ann

Linda 2 years ago

Thank you so much for this blog post, it has re-confirmed that how I have been handling my partner's anger issues is the right way to go about it.

The book "Self-Compassion" as suggested by someone in the comments seems tailor-made to our situation and is definitely something we both will read. Hopefully it will help my partner see himself in a different light.

My partner grew up with an abusive alcoholic and bi-polar father with chronic depression (who himself grew up with a sadistic and sosiopathic father). Luckily he has the most gentile, positive and loving mother in the whole world, and whom I think is the only reason my partner grew up with such a great amount of empathy and ability to love.

We have been together for nearly 2 years and I love him deeply. He is the most caring man I know and does so many things for me, just to see me happy. And I feel blessed to have him in my life.

Unfortunately, he also has some serious anger management issues. I believe it's because he never learnt how to deal with his emotions when he was a child. He has told me he had to "switch them off" in order to survive. It was only when he was in his early 20's that he himself learnt that he had chronic depression and, with simple medication, for the first time in his life felt what it actually meant to be happy. But in order to feel happiness you also need to allow yourself to feel anger and sadness. And as he never learnt how to deal properly with these emotions as a child, he now struggles with how to cope with his anger. The depression doesn't help of course (although managed by medication, sometimes he still gets depressed), and it can be especially bad if he gets very drunk. He also smokes weed, but has cut down considerably since we met, as I don't like it.

The anger strikes as lightning from a clear sky, and when it first happens there is no reasoning. It is my fault, chairs are thrown, even computers smashed, and insulting swear-words fly across the room. I simply have to let it go, let him calm down or go for a walk and then talk about it 2-3 house later - after he himself has realized that what happened was totally unprovoked.

That feeling of never being able to defend yourself when you're being attacked - or that I can never get mad at him (regardless of if I have reason to or not) because he'll get 10 million times more angry no matter what, can be quite a struggle. I feel like I have to be very emotionally strong all the time, and it can be exhausting at times.

I have very clear boundaries though, so I never let him get away with anything if I am being treated badly - and I NEVER accept him calling me names. I believe name-calling can be one of the most damaging things to a relationship, more so than him jumping on his sunglasses when he's angry (yes, that has happened).

He has never been close to hurting me physically, but he does scare me sometimes when he gets angry and punches the table or whatever inanimate object around. It feels very violent to me and sometimes I wish I could film him so he could see for himself how he is actually perceived when it happens. I don't think he fully understands.

Luckily, we communicate well. He will talk about it with me - how it feels like his entire body starts to tingle and his anger feels completely justified even when he knows it might not be. At the time his emotions simply won't let him believe that he could be overreacting.

And we have made a lot of progress. To the point that I don't think there is much more I can do to help him. I know how to prevent his anger (8 of 10 times), he rarely swears at me in anger anymore, and we always talk about it afterwards. But his outbursts still happen, he'll shout, swear and throw things around, and it can still be very challenging.

I would never even consider having a child with him at this point, which is a shame because I think he would love to be a father and that - if he ever got past his anger issues - he would be a great one.

At the moment he just lost his job, which of course does not help at all. And is why I think the book "Self-Compassion" will be perfect timing for us now.

Luckily, he really wants to work on his anger issues, but none of us really knew where to start or what to do. So thank you again for this post, it has been a great starting point and has also helped me see that I am not alone.

Lots of love,


Karo21 2 years ago

Faith Ann and Linda,

Its hard to read your posts because I so see myself and my former husband in every line: The history of the abuser growing up in a violent home, essentially being taught to act out in abusive ways, smashing things when they don't get their way, scaring the bejesus out of their loved ones, the anger that comes out of nowhere, their families walking on eggshells, and to top it all off, telling them our plans to leave. All of it wrong because none of it goes very far in protecting ourselves, or harbors a peaceful home.

While it seems ludicrous to some (and it really is) that women put themselves and their children in harms way by remaining in a situation they cannot control, it is harder than it looks to flee. All I know is that each situation is different, and until the victims get their fill and decide to leave, there is nothing anyone can say or do to convince them that the time was right yesterday.

Moreover, there is no panacea to fix any of these relationships, and it continues through generations until someone stands up and says enough is enough. The abuse stops with me; I will not allow my children to live and learn such a devastating dysfunctional existence. And believe me, it's just an existence. There is hardly any good living to be found in homes such as these. Furthermore, the abused become addicted to drugs, alcohol, and do negative things to help them overcome the abuse. Not good for anyone, so everyone who finds themselves in this scenario needs to realize that they are in quicksand/landmine situations.

While my former husband has some very good qualities, the bad ones still, to this day, outweigh them all. Inherently, I think he is selfish, spoiled, will lie, throw fits, and break things, just to get his way. I thank God that I do not have to live like that anymore. I was overwhelmed and exhausted with doing everything I could to keep him on an even keel, plus managing to take care of my children and run a household. It was a tough existence, I am sure you know what I am talking about.

The truly sad things is, until you get your fill, you will stay. But I know too, you will look back and think, "What was I thinking?" Until that day comes, try vanilla scented candles, they seemed to calm my husband. And Linda, you're right, arguing with them or reprimanding them just enflames them and makes things worse. I know, too, if they get no reaction, they usually calm themselves on their own. Maybe you can try that.

I wish you all the luck, and no one can tell you what to do, but when I finally realized that there is no changing a person is when I began to do things to help myself get out. I prayed an awful lot to muster deep down and find things I could do constructively to help myself. I saved money, I documented things he did, and I contacted people who could help me. I did not discuss leaving with my husband because he just made me more miserable.

Faith Ann, Linda, and everyone being abused, you are not alone, and I am praying for you, that you all get relief. Please stay safe, and try to make a way away from these terrible relationships.

God bless and keep you all!

lia 2 years ago

Dear Faith Ann,

Thank-you so much for your words of encouragement. I have read it several times and it has made me feel better. It is so easy when you have an abusive husband to just listen to what HE says or watch the look HE sends you, that reading something positive really helps. It is especially difficult right now as his surgery date draws near. Being in the hospital room with his mother and siblings is going to be difficult, especially because he is colder than ever. His mother held a mass on the weekend without me knowing to pray he is healed from the skin cancer. I was not told and he only told me as a way to make sure I knew he wouldn't be around for the boys' hockey. How people can ask for God's blessings by simultaneous being intentionally cruel is beyond me. The most horrible thing about being abused is the abuser is so good at looking good to others and messing with your mind that you question yourself at every turn asking if it is your fault. Did you cause all of this? I know the answer especially when my kids come and ask me why is he so mean to me. As for going back to school, I have now found I need to upgrade some undergraduate courses so it is going to take me a bit longer so that was a bit of a blow. I am thankful for my parents encouraging me to do it anyways and I only hope I am able to study with so much stress in my household. I dropped my son off the other day to play with a friend. Their house seemed so calm and inviting, I hope one day to have the same. I was happy my son was able to have a good afternoon as he was also being ignored by his dad because he didn't say good-morning. (we are supposed to say it first) Anyways, our house is calm like that when he is not there but when I hear the door squeak open I just freeze up. Anyways thanks again for your words of encouragement.

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Lia, Karo 21 and Linda:

Lia: Stay Strong! I am SO happy that you are going back to school. That alone will give you strength and boost your self esteem and self worth. You will have a peaceful home one day...I know what you mean, I notice peaceful homes too.

Linda: Please get counseling for you and your partner. Your relationship is young and he still listens to you, but his anger is WAY out of control as you know. Find a good anger management counselor and definitely don't- like you accurately state, bring kids into this relationship until and only until he has mastered his anger issues. That alone will take a long time...most likely years, but you can measure your forward progress. Dr Steven Stosney's an anger expert; "Love without Hurt" is a fantastic book. He also teaches classes, even remotely I believe . Good luck my friend!

Karo21: Oh my, you are so sweet. It helps to talk to others in ( or having been in) similar situations, doesn't it? It's hard to believe how many of us are going through this. I council my boys to NOT behave badly ...and I pray to God they don't. I also pray we all grow as human beings to become wiser people who live the highest level of existence that we possibly can.

We can only model that by building our work lives and thus our self esteem. And by building and nurturing our support systems to validate and encourage us, & keep us sane.... and by NOT putting up with disrespect.

Reading about healthy relationships really helped me.

We are all on our own journey, each one a little bit different, and we are all here to learn. That's my take anyways. I try not to look at the past as a mistake. Apparently I needed to learn what I needed to learn. As my older friend so aptly stated: "You didn't know it" (that my marriage would be a disaster) "because you had to live it." How true.

Made me feel better.

Love you all!

Faith Ann

Missy Lucarz 2 years ago

Iam at a loss!!! Been with my husband for 16 years married 9 of those, and from the beginning i seen he had *Problems* heard of the stories of his parents taking him to doctors because they couldnt deal with him, He was the sweetest guy i had ever met! But as the years went on things got worse, I remember a time his mother pulled me a side on the soccer field and said just leave him,and dont look back, being a teen i was just thinking this is a mother who thinks iam not right for her son.. So i stayed and fought to be with him,But as i think back now gonna be 32 this year and was 15 then, She was just warning me because she knew her son had *Problems* Anger problems, Not being able to take blame for his own actions. Fast Forward to 16 years .. I feel i live in hell Ive learned that its a love hate marriage i love him for taking care of me,and i hate him for making me fear him and walk on egg shells daily.. Ive asked him to go speak with someone with me, and his responce is i dont have a problem. we have split a few times he leaves but after a $300 bitch rant,hes wanting to come home,and play the iam sorry honey moon stage again, and each time i let him back because i depend on him . and he knows it. i have a lot of medical problems * Some are his fault* and am not able to provide for myself, and my parents are behind me on helping me leave him but my mother in the same breath is like dont worry honey he will be back.. Because i know my mother doesnt want to have to deal with * My Bills* Or whatever!! Our newest fight that has been going on for 2 weeks is My cat.. He wants me to get rid of my cat,because my cat chewed his headphone cord, yes i understand what the cat did was wrong,and the cat is still kitten and iam teaching him right from wrong. But because ITS MY CAT! and not HIS CAT! i have to get rid of it, or hes going to snap my cats neck!!!! WTF KINDA LIFE DO I HAVE??? my husband is not right in the head,and i know i will never never *fix him* i just dont know how to walk a way when i depend on him.! i have set limits to him, and it seems like it just goes out the window. or only matters when he's * Sorry* oh and just for the record it got to this point and beyond AFTER WE WERE MARRIED! i knew there was a reason i never wanted to get married! iam gonna keep on him about speaking to someone, i truely think he is bi-polar or something!! something is not right in this man's head!

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Missy:

Yes, it sounds like he has medical issues and needs a mental health evaluation and treatment.

I know how you feel. You've been with him for 16 years, it's so hard to imagine leaving and starting over.

But you also must face reality. If you stay, this is the life you will have, which is an impossible one to be happy and safe in.

So, I would plan silently to leave. Consult with an attorney, you are in a mid term marriage ( short term is 7 years or less, long term over 17) and you might be able to get some alimony to help you start a new life. Perhaps you won't have to live with your parents but that's a nice, short-term option to have.

If you start these preparations, and leave ( or ask him to) he might really see the light and get the help he needs. If he does do that, stay separated until you can be sure he's changed which will take most likely a year or more.

Also, Id try to see what kind of job yo can get. What do you like to do? Don't limit yourself. Any income will certainly help.

As for the little kitten, oh my...I hope you'r not serious about him snapping it's neck (or wanting to) that's a bad sign to say the least). Can you find a friend who might want to take care of the kit for a while...even a year til you get on your own? Worst case scenario is you could visit the cat and it will have a safe home too.

In closing, please face this...problems that we don't don't face just get worse, to the point where we are forced to face them because they have grown so big.

Good luck my friend!

With love & strength,

Faith Ann

Missy Lucarz 2 years ago

Thank you Faith Ann! See we live in the apartment in my parents basement... And my mother wants to keep the cat upstairs, and she is telling me that its more then just the cat, and that i need to hold my ground with my husband, and tell him he can not control me any longer and that i shouldnt fear him, My Parents Dont want him in this house any longer because my mother doesnt want to see me mentally put down,and * Told* what i have to do , When i have to do it. I now have my eyes wide open, and seeing your responce to what i wrote makes me see that iam not wrong in wanting to rock his boat, and stand up for what i belive in. But i do fear him . but i will be brave in confronting him on his anger with life, or whatever it is he cant deal with... Pray for me and hope that he can hear me with open ears,and love in his heart. and clear mind! Thank you again for your kind words

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Kim from 4 weeks ago:

I don't know how I missed your post and hope you get this.

You are wonderful, and very insightful.

I agree that we who tolerate bad behavior are in need of healing as well...keep going to therapy, Life alone would be soooo peaceful & good for your well being. You could immerse yourself in your work and hobbies and friends... but not when you live with two angry men!

I feel for your step son ( btw: are you married?) he has no other male role model, so who does he have to emulate?

Maybe you can reach out to him.

You also say you are young. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS KIM! And you can find it.

With so much love to you girlfriend!

Faith Ann

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tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Ladies I just added Point #7 to the techniques section. I've done a lot of research on this and diet plays a huge role. Please take it very seriously by doing more research on this and introducing better food to your lives. Be well.

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear TadasLand:

Where is the Techniques section?


Faith Ann

tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Faith Ann, right in the middle of the article where it says "Techniques to Deal with Angry Husband" Its just a short paragraph. ;-)

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tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Well, I have to say I'm a bit confused as to the nature of your grievance. Is this the word on the street? I wrote the "bible" for dealing with angry men? I'll take that as compliment, however it couldn't be further from the truth. If this was THE bible then you would have been advised to "turn the other cheek." :-)

You might have a point about the photo though. I suppose to a cynical and sexist mind that hand gesture may seem suggestive. To me however, it simply represents a grumpy guy roaming drunk around the house and spreading misery to his family (that is at least how it was for me with my drunkard father.)

Next time I invite you to elaborate what you meant by saying that this advice brings wrong expectations to broken relationships. What would you suggest all these ladies who left comments with their stories do? Come on, let's put cynicism aside and have a discussion.

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Your reply is fantastic Tadas.

The picture, btw, represents the same horrible memories for me & makes me cringe every time I see it; spot on.

Keep up the good work!

Have a good night,

Faith Ann

Sharon 2 years ago

Are you kidding me! Marriage is give and take and in the layout you have provided it's all up to the woman to keep this guy from damaging what he should value the most - a loving wife. I read this hoping to get some good advice after enduring a 20 year volcanic man. Now I feel like getting out is the best advice. Why is it up to the woman to feed this guy so he won't be a jerk. Wow caveman!

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tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi Sharon, I am totally with you – a good relationship is all about give and take, and a great one is where both partners mostly give and don’t expect anything in return.

I’d like to ask you, what were you hoping to learn from this article? I named it “How to DEAL with angry husband,” for a reason. If you’re hoping to find information on “How to CHANGE an angry husband,” then I kindly invite you to look under “Sc-Fi Fantasy” section of your local library. :-)

If you read carefully, I hardly ever advise getting out. What I really do want to impart is that our suffering takes place inside our minds. If we really want to work with the situation, then there are things we can do both externally and internally, and if you don’t want to work with the situation then yes, getting out is an option.

Sure it’s not up to the woman to feed her “jerk” but if you have any influence over his diet, then why not? I doubt you haven’t cooked any meals for your guy in 20 years.

There is a ton of good books and advice out there Sharon, this article was only advice from one guy. If you are so critical of one man’s opinion on the internet, how will you ever deal with your man at home?

I would never ever base my life and my reasoning on one set of advice, you have to put in way more work than that.

Warmest wishes,

Caveman Tadas :-)

Faith Ann 2 years ago

To add to TADAS's reply to Sharon:

I think his article is written for women at a certain stage within their marriages; they are still trying to understand and save it, make it better. They haven't yet "had enough" or come to the conclusion that it's not salvageable.

I do disagree on one point: Suffering is not just in our minds (maybe it's simply semantics & not the way you intended it to read TADAS) suffering, is ALL encompassing; physical, mental, emotional, spiritual even financial, like being attacked from all sides by our mates unhealthy behavior, & we so desperately want it to stop. Once we realize that there will be no change unless it comes from the man himself, and we also come to terms with the fact that this type of relationship does more harm than good, we know what we must do to honor our best interests for a good quality of matter how hard it is.

Dear Sharon: you still sound angry & I completely understand, you have a lot to be angry about! Keep searching for advice that will heal your spirit & answer your questions, you will find it.

Best of luck and with much love!

Faith Ann

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tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi Faith Ann, I always appreciate your gentle touch here. As far as our minds go, upon a deeper introspection and observation one can notice that our happiness, sadness and suffering is produced by nothing BUT our minds. For example, there can be physical suffering but one can stay calm and still keep a sense of humor, one can be broke but happy, one can be lost but positive. On the other hand, one can be healthy but miserable, filthy rich but unhappy, have a ton of friends but feel totally lonely. It is evident that our circumstances do not have to define our inner mental states. The problem is that our "free will" is not really free because we're not free to choose our mental states. Our minds can seem to run on autopilot but it doesn't have to be that way. If we develop our minds, work with our mental states, take responsibility for them and accept that we're the true architects of our world then we have a chance. These are not my thoughts or ideas, it comes directly from the sages of ancient wisdom that has its origins in the East.

Words of Buddha Shakyamuni from 2500 years ago:

“People are caught in their suffering as if they are caught in a house on fire. When you understand the source of your suffering it can no longer bind you. If someone is angry at you, you can get angry back at them but that will only create more suffering. If you follow the way of cultivating awareness, you will not react with anger. Instead you will quiet your mind in order to discover why that person is angry at you. By looking deeply you can uncover the causes that led to the person’s anger. If you see that you bear responsibility for angering the person, you will accept that your own misconduct contributed to their anger and will not get angry in return. If you are without blame then you can try to see why that person has misunderstood you. Then you can find a way to help him understand your true intentions. This way you will avoid causing more suffering to yourself and the other person.”

Faith Ann 2 years ago

OK TADAS, I understand.

Very deep spiritual path you are taking, and I love it! I wasn't thinking at quite that deep of a level....

Thank you for giving me something to ponder. I've read that somewhere before, and this is a nice, timely reminder.

All the best, & I look forward to hearing more wisdom from you.

With love,

Faith Ann

Jill T. 2 years ago

This article has struck a cord with me, as I have been dealing with a very temper-prone husband for the past 9 years. We just got married about 9 months ago, but have been together since high school (going on 10 years) He has anxiety issues, which he is medicated for. (if he misses a pill at night, he is miserable and all hell breaks loose) and although his medication helps A LOT he still has temper issues, and i just dont know how to help him. I feel like i'm starting to resent him, which i know will ruin our marriage if this goes on.

Every time he looses his temper, its over something totally trivial, and usually based around his anxiety or jealousy. For example, the past 2 weeks he has been under a ton of stress because he has been working really hard (which i appreciate very much, he's a great provider) but because of the time change, he thought it was 8:40pm instead of 9:40pm. He has to go to bed early because he has to get up super early for work. We were just sitting peacefully together, enjoying the night (i hadnt checked the time yet) when he realized that it was actually 10 minutes past his 'bed time' - he threw a total temper tantrum. He yelled GOD DAMMIT and punched the wall, slammed all the doors he could, slammed things around in the bathroom, and then yelled at me for not keeping track of the time, and said "yeah get your 12 hours of sleep, i know how hard you worked today" in reference to me working from home. All i could say was 'how is this my fault?' .... all that anger, and hurt just because he went to bed 15 minutes later than planned. He sent me a txt that next morning saying 'sorry i got mad last night' and although i'm glad he recognized when he's lost his temper... it feels like a meaningless, empty apology. Stories like this happen all the time. He's very emotional, so when he's irritated he says very hurtful things, and when he's happy he says some of the sweetest, most wonderful things... but in the end they even each other out and it all becomes meaningless.

We are planning on starting a family soon, and i know that when we have children this temper of his CAN NOT continue. He's my best friend and the love of my life, and i really want to help him get over this child-like temper of his. This article was wonderful.. do you have any other advice?

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tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi Jill, I know exactly how your husband is... (partly because I share some of his traits) :-)

Here is what you can do:

1. Read this article about human HPA Axis and how to manage irritability and reduce some of that edginess. Makes sure to read both parts:

2. He would really benefit from good Cognitive Therapy. A good professional can help him manage his expectations and work with him on that blame assignment part.

3. What's the pill he's on? If it is one of the psychotropic drugs prescribed by a psychiatrist then research the heck out of it. Most of the time these pills will do more harm than good.

4. If he's under a lot of stress and tension he's bound to act like that till he learn to balance things in life. When mind and body are stressed something else has got to give. These are laws of physics. The link to the article I provided will explain all this in more detail. Hang in there, both of ya.

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Hi Jill:

To add to TADAS advice, I strongly recommend that you postpone starting a family until and ONLY until his bad temper issues are under control. You should be sure about this, so it will take some time. I'd say a year of no temper tantrums over trivial issues. You may see him start to have a tantrum and stop mid way - this would be a very good sign.

You have to be strong and tough here. If he does not learn to behave like a reasonable adult, having children will only make it worse and add to his stress, and tantrum throwing, and you will be bringing innocent children into a life that is not safe.

One of the best professionals I found that deals with angry men is Dr Stephen Stosney: His book "Love Without Hurt" is excellent and helped me quite a bit. He offers classes in addition to reading material - I urge you and your hubby to attend the classes, that will teach him how to manage stress in a normal and healthy way. Dr Stosney also has info about how to tell if he's changed for the better or not.

I advise you to take this issue VERY seriously. It literally has the ability to make or break your life... & his temper IS a deal breaker for a fulfilling, happy life Jill, for if he does not get it under control there is ZERO chance at a good quality of life for you and you will be forever frustrated and unhappy and yes, even resentful, and his behavior will get worse over time.

If you have kids before it's fixed ( if it ever is, and you must realize that could happen) you may be trapped and will have backed yourself into a corner.

You are wise and smart to seek help, starting with reaching out to post on this site.

Best of luck to you. Keep reaching out.

Trust yourself; your analytical skills, your heart, your body and your intuition with your future decisions relating to this matter. ( and all things for that matter).

I speak from experience (20+ years with an angry alcoholic who gets worse with time - as they all do without treatment or acknowledgement of a problem). I've truly learned the hard way.

I missed hearing from everyone here as well, so thank you for writing in Jill.... I was going to post to just say hello!

Great news is that I had a job interview yesterday and aced it. Interviewer said I was "clearly a wonderful person" yep, so nice to hear that!

2nd interview in forthcoming. The I will be able to escape and start a new life sans my abusive husband. I didn't pay attention to all the warning signs and I've paid a heavy price for it as have my kids.

They are healing ( ages 21 & 17) and helping them understand their father has helped me heal too.

Good luck to you Jill.

I believe in you even though I don't know you & I believe that you have it within you to take the appropriate actions soon, and make the right choices for your life.

With love, Faith Ann

sis3 2 years ago

This article has hit close to home. I have been dealing with anxiety and depression from having a nervous break down in April of last year. And my husband lost his job in September. Since than he has had two other jobs and he is miserable with them and he quits them. He is very hard these days to live with, and I don't have the voice that I once had to tell him my feelings. I always worked two and three jobs so when he would do this in the past it was never a problem I always carried the load that is what lead to the break down. Well I am between a rock in a hard stop because I mentally and physically am not able to work, and I can't deal with his negative actions. He complains about everything. My family sees this and they can't believe that I have put up with it all these years. I guess he has always been like this but I always brushed it off. In the last two days I have been in such a depressed state that I feel the walls closing in on me. I am having hourly panic attacks, when I say something to him about his negative attitude he tells me I have no clue. Which before I got sick I would have told him what I thought, but now I have no voice anymore I am so fragile that I cry over everything. I just need advice, I don't know what to do. I know if it continues on this way its only going to lead to another break down, but I don't know if I am seeing the whole picture or not. Any advise??? Feeling confused.

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Sis3:

My heart breaks for you! I am so glad you reached out and wrote in.

Can you go stay with your family?

You are seeing the whole picture clearly now... I feel that this marriage has made you sick!

You deserve to live a life in peace and harmony. When you marry, the marriage should make your life BETTER. You've been carrying the load, working 2-3 jobs to make ends meet for a long time, and it sounds like he constantly quits jobs and is not carrying his share of the load. Actually the man is supposed to be the MAIN provider. So, yes you have been doing too much, and tolerating too much for too long.

In life, if we don't pay attention to problems; whether mental, physical, emotional or spiritual, etc., they'll become big enough to force us to pay attention

You are at that place now.

Where you see the truth.

You are correct, this man is not good for you.

My advise would be to move in with family or friends and begin the healing process yourself.

Read books about this subject ( healing after an abusive marriage), find a support group or supportive friends and continue to nurture yourself.

I pray for you Sis, you are not alone.

Until you can leave ( as I do not think this man will change easily if at all- it's been too long. Though if he really wants to , he can find a good therapist and try...though it'll be a challenge to say the least),

find a way everyday to do something kind for yourself.

Take a long bath, go for a walk, do whatever it is that gives you joy and do it often. Stay away from people who bring you down.

Feel free to check back in here.

With much love,

Faith Ann

Faith Ann 2 years ago


I want to thank you for creating this Hub. It has helped me so much to write out my feelings about my situation, and help others with theirs.

I found a few other sites relating to these matters, but they are difficult to post on

Your article and site has helped me heal.

With much Love!

Faith Ann

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tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Dear sis3, you sound like you know why this is all happening yourself - there is no one right now to keep the financial boat stable and afloat; this can destabilize any relationship. I am sure you're both anxious, confused and at a loss. When in this state of mind any criticism feels harsher, rougher and leaves deeper wounds.

If your husband is going through a rough period (and is not normally so difficult) he needs you more than ever, even if he doesn't act like that but remember he's also very upset and confused.

My advice would be first of all to take care of yourself. Depression can not possibly help you in this case so you want to be strong and know that the very first step is to take care of your own body and mind. If you just sit there and worry about it all you'll never see the end of it.

Once your own confusion lifts, you'll see what needs to be done without our advice here. So, do what you can to move more, get fresh air, read an uplifting book, eat lots of fresh veggies and fruits, this will lift you up. By no means this will solve anything but it will give you your mind back that has been your biggest ally in problem solving. This is the best advice I can give you right now, given the information you provided.

Faith Ann: it's been a pleasure for me too and no need to thank me - you are benefiting from a powerful spiritual law in the universe - you can only truly help yourself by helping others. ;-)

Many blessings, Tadas.

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Tadas:

Can you recommend any good, spiritual books ( or authors) about the powerful laws of the Universe, etc?


Faith Ann

Dear Tadas 2 years ago

Thank you for your advise, it is hard, because I know this is hard on him also. He has had to do a lot more since I have been sick and a few of the jobs have closed so that was not of his doing, but of late he just isn't happy with the ones, and he ups and quits, not understanding the mental strain that it is putting on me. And when I try to express it it makes it worse. Thank you for listening. I am trying to stay positive and going to counseling to try to get through everything, but sometimes I just feel helpless, with everything that is handed to me. I am glad I landed this site, when I read the inspiring messages you respond with they really enlighten me. Thank you Again. Lori

Carole L S 2 years ago

For the past 3-4 yrs we have been officing at home. Over the past year I have seen changes in my husband that have me worried. If I interrupt him he gets horribly angry. Today he went outside to work on our sprinkler system. I had an issue trying to connect with a journalist in Sweden and asked for his help. He is good at computers etc but when he couldn't get the problem fixed (and I was no doubt getting antsy) he yelled, he cursed, and he stomped off. It went from bad to worse. Everything became my fault - I didn't check first to see if there would be problems, I did not research how to do this, etc when in reality the fault was at the other end in Sweden. He was screaming at me that I always wait to the last minute and he just kept yelling and yelling. Finally I childishly screamed at him that I hate him. I actually hated how he was acting. 3 weeks ago I fell I was home alone and tripped. I called him instead of the ambulance (now I know better) and when I explained through tears and anguish what happened, he asked if I wanted him to come home. That took me over the edge but in reality in looking back he is missing the caretaking gene - his own daughter tells him that, he really doesn't possess that caretaking emotion. He yelled at me for 15 minutes over my trip and fall because I told him in these exact words "Why the f*ck do you think I called you?" He told me that was abusive. I abused him by saying that - well I admit I screamed it I was in unbelievable pain. He has always been an angry driver, it's getting worse. He scares me when driving. He scared me today yelling at me because he broke a piece of my heart. I own my own co and I am ready to shut it down because I feel if I don't need his help from time to time things will be better. He is a successful real estate broker. He gets angry at customers (behind their back) he gets angry at lenders (who doesn't) over the phone. I moved out of the office due to his swearing and anger. I am a writer I can't concentrate when he is like this. I told myself after the way he acted when I fell I wouldn't ask for his help any longer and it happened again today. I have to ask at times and now I am scared to do so. He has never hit me. He is emotionally abusive though I know that.

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tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi Faith Ann: you can try Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra or look up some other titles under his name. Normally, Christians relate super well to his teachings. Here's the book:

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Hi Carole:

Tough situation for sure.

I'd say some tough love is needed and strength on your part.

Your husbands behavior is unacceptable. It will continue and get worse so I recommend putting your foot down.

if he refuses to be respectful when he's angry and he continues to yell , next time he does it you leave. In order to do that you need to have a pre-arranged place go go or money to stay somewhere for a while.

To me after all I've been through, your hubby needs a wake up call. Otherwise there will be no peace for you or happy fulfilling marriage.

You could take the slow problem solving route and go to counseling or ask him to stop...but he has no reason to do the difficult behavior changing work if you continue to tolerate bad behavior and bad habits.

Cut to the chase.

After he knows that you mean business he may put forth a serious effort and that's your only chance as I see it.

Also, I'd recommend counseling for you in the meantime, and for both of you IF he decides to really put forth a serious effort at positive change after the wake up call.

Good luck!

Tadas: Thank you. I've read that one before but its been a while. Worth another look. I'm not a Christian per se...I consider myself spiritual though.

Have a great day everyone!

Faith Ann

VetWife7 2 years ago

I think the hardest part of dealing with a verbally abusive, angry husband is not letting his attitudes bring me down to his level. His level meaning that I get tired of being the adult and trying to hold my tongue. I fight with depression daily and it is hard to try and maintain a positive outlook anyway. His anger and yelling do not prompt my best side. I wish I could help him, I wish I could do something to ease his anger. Yet, that is not possible. But, BOY! would I like to slap him upside the head and say "grow up"!

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Sorry..hit the post button by accident.

Vet wife: I've felt like slapping my husband silly too!

Take care of yourself.

Its challenging to have a good life with a companion who's mean & angry much of the time.

I got to a point where I k we 100% that I could not have s good life with my hubby so I am

Carole L S 2 years ago

Dear Faith Ann,

I am lucky because I do have places to go and I do have my own career, my own money so I can leave. I realize his behavior right now is that of passive/aggressiveness. He is using the "barely speaking to me" control that he has used in the past. What makes it different this time is A) that it has never lasted this long and B) he usually says something like "We need to talk tonight" and so far this hasn't happened. I get it that he is using this behavior to be "in control" the old Carole would have caved. The new Carole has used this time to research ideas etc. I think one of the things that concerns me most is that maybe he is starting to show a cognitive decline - there have been little things here and there that have concerned me and I can clue our doctor in on this before his next physical in May. He has always had a short fuse but his anger has escalated, as I mentioned it is not just at me, it is at anyone who "interrupts" him and I don't mean verbally. For example if in his business something goes wrong he calls the other person by an insulting adjective. This is part of the change I have seen in his behavior. I have been able to redirect his thinking in the past, he has listened to me, and he has agreed with me. Some things have changed for good, others do revert back. His aggressive testosterone moments behind the wheel have gotten worse, I have asked him to have more patience, that has not happened. I know that I will eventually refuse to get in the car with him. Or I may get out of the car. I have choices I understand that. When I think back I cannot pinpoint many outbursts. That is what has me concerned, this is a newer behavior and while it's not my job to diagnose him, and I can set and stick to boundaries. I was married to a narcissist in my past and I brought a lot of coping mechanisms out of that into what I will and will not tolerate any longer, my sadness in all of this stems from the fact that I am sad and worried that we are heading downhill in our marriage. The signs are there. I also agree that counseling is a good idea.....not sure if he will.

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Vet Wife:

Sorry about the last two unfinished posts (hopefully TADAS deleted them). I was working on my mobile and somehow hit "post" twice before I was finished.

In any case, I hear you Vet wife!

I feel like smacking my husband silly sometimes!

Just this morning he was so nice...and that's why I've stayed 25 years, thinking THAT part will take over and the mean, nasty, side will go away.

But it doesn't.

We all have to decide what we can live with and what is just too much to bear.

It took me a long time to realize that I could have a partner that is nice, kind, compassionate, and one that I and the boys could have a good life with. That took a lot of living; of seeing my friends end bad marriages of 12-15 even 30 years, to find good marriages of 10- 15-17 and 25 years respectively.

I feel blessed to see these happy & fulfilling marriages - now I know that they exist, and because they are out there, I may be able to find one. If not, at the very lest I can surround myself with kind, supportive and nurturing people.

Marriage is about about the TWO people in them.

My husband saw this page open the other day ( I inadvertently left it open n our office and he read it. He said if he's "half as bad as the Satan I portrayed, I should leave him."

Which brings me to the point that my hubby doesn't listen to me or my point of view. It's "his way or the highway" and has been for 25 years. That doesn't mean there weren't good times...there were. But it always went back to the worst of times. And even that behavior gets worse over time.

I wish he would say " Wow do I really act like that?" I try to do that.

I'm a people-pleaser and that's who I need to be married to - another people-pleaser. He's a control freak. We fit together in such an unhealthy. way.

This morning started off well, then he was screaming at me that I was yelling ( and I was) so I stopped but he didn't. I told him to concentrate on his behavior- the only thing he can control - an I'll work on mine, But all he could see if my behavior.

Been that way for years. He appealed to the part of me that wants to be a good woman, so I listen to how I should say this or do that or act a certain way, while ignoring his completely boorosh behavior. He's so persuasive. I now realize that, and satted "Why don't you lead by example? That's what he should do! Yet he expects me to act perfec tly and he feels justified acting like a cad.

Now Ik now. I'm 100% sure I should leave.

And I'm not perfect at all, of course. But I do have friends and family and have never been estranged from anyone ( cept my soon-to be- ex husband), and my husband has been estranged from everyone in his life (Parents, sibling, children, my parents when they were alive) poor thing. He just doesn't see it and my heart breaks for that.

He has no respect. That's a deal breaker.

As are many of his other behaviors:

So Vet Wife; Take care of your self. Nurture your friendships. Be nice to hubby when he's nice. If he's not, just calmly say that you cannot be around him when he's like that. In other words, don't reinforce the bad behavior. Which a lot of spouses inadvertently do. "If I just didn't say that, or made a better dinner, ow whatever."

Eventually you learn the truth.

A relationship is a two-way street; both have to give, and to listen and to be kind and love each other DAILY.

Keep seeking girlfriend!

Follow your intuition to find the best path for you.

We are all here to ;earn, and perhaps we should be grateful that we have such good teachers.

Take care, and I wish you all the very best,

Faith Ann


Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Carole:

You are thinking so clearly.

It does sound like a possible medical issue, and you are wise to talk to his doctor about this.

If I understand correctly that your relationship is only 3-4 years old; you may be able to stop the decline by setting and sticking to your boundaries as you stated.

A relationship thrives on constant nurturing love, and kindness and daily positive attention. The "not speaking to you" will kill a relationship slowly.

Keep reaching out for solutions to see if this relationship can be righted.

Keep your career... Good for you!

I feel confident that you will make the right choices for you ( and consequently for your partner.)

If you choose counseling ( even if just for you) make sure you find a good one that is right for you and your situation.

I truly hope your hubby gets the help he needs.

With much love,

Faith Ann

Skye 2 years ago

I'm 59 and disabled now, and have no way to work or money of my own, or family options. After 20 years of my husband's sporadic rage over sometimes the smallest, most trivial thing - after 20 years of hoping, trying, talking, crying, getting him to therapy that he quit a few months later, going for therapy myself for 12 yrs for the support, and an incredible toll on my health, I know that it will never change.

After his hundreds of promises that it will never happen again, I know that it will never change. He doesn't even bother to say those words promising to change anymore. He just says, "Sorry" and that is supposed to take care of another ruined weekend, or trip to the store, or holiday.

He blames it all on job stress. I know he does hate his job, but all of my offers to help him find more fulfilling work and transition into it are refused. He doesn't believe any better life is possible. And he is the only one who can change his head. I see now that he is committed to being angry, depressed, and that as long as I am available to spew his venom onto, he survives.

It's emotional immaturity - all these men are throwing tantrums, but unlike toddlers, they are very destructive in every way. I am very sensitive and empathic, and his rages truly damage me. STRESS SICKENS AND KILLS. I hope all of you who can get out safely will do so, and never, ever get into a situation of dependency on any man, unless he has proven himself over many years to be able to handle stress fairly. I think this is a character issue.

I also know that unless I win the lottery, I have no way out, and am dependent on him. Like many abusers, he has wonderful aspects, can be so giving and loving and kind. But the good qualities can no longer offset the stress and sick feeling I carry now from his rages. I will keep finding ways for my spirit to survive, to find beauty in the days, to avoid him. I will not have the good life with him that we could have, if not for his rage. We will not have shared goals, happiness, travel, financial health, physical health, a great social life, creativity -- because nothing good and stable is possible in a situation with a chronically angry man who misinterprets things, rages irrationally, and ruins life several times a year. And then the recovery period from that event is followed by another wave of rage a few weeks later, or a week later, or three months later....the time doesn't matter. What matters is there is no consistent ground to stand on or plan a life upon or live a life upon.

Please, please know that in time it does not get better. Men, and women, who do this, lack awareness and empathy. They do not see the impact of their actions on other people. They feel entitled to rage and scream and break things. It is a choice that they don't even question, really. And the sad fact is, like alcoholics who choose the bottle over a loving spouse, many abusers will continue to choose their anger over a loving, patient, forgiving, wonderful partner. Our patience is "rewarded" with more of the same, and as others here have said, after decades, it feels really, really, really bad to wake up and see all the wasted time, and how hopeless it is. Get out if you can, and if he can change and will change, he will show you that. But let him do it while you live your own life in your own safe and peaceful space.

I have to wonder, too, why so many men are so incredibly angry. Women work just as hard, for usually less money, and are subjected to all kinds of things that men don't often experience -- like harassment, rape, and danger. Women do most of the childcare in addition to holding down jobs and keeping homes running. And on top of it, women are the emotional punching bags for these guys? Ridiculous, sickening, and really, at the bottom of it all, if you ask me, it's just woman-hating behind it all. A lot of men hate women, it's irrational, and we keep bonding to them anyway in spite of all that they do to women in the world. I hope to come back in my next life as solitary nun living in peace with cats, or something. I'm so sick of rage -- men and women's -- and what it does to children, adults, animals, plants, the planet, life.

VetWife7 2 years ago

Skye, I appreciate your insight. I also had to laugh at the "nun living in peace with cats" - but really what a great concept - Sign me up for that!

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Hello Skye:

I hear you sister! You've obviously learned the truth the hard way, but at least you are 100% sure.

I would say don't stick around in the room with him when he rages. A spouse is an easy target, just walk away and say you cannot be around him when he's like that, even if it''s 3 AM. Cultivate friendships & go spend quality time with them.

How about a hobby, volunteering somewhere perhaps?

Maybe at a church, or domestic women center, homeless center or school.

You say he's committed to his anger, which is true and it's also a bad habit. But don't count out YOUR options. You say in a similar committed fashion " I also know that unless I win the lottery, I have no way out, and am dependent on him." You are committed to THAT outcome, when really there MAY be another way out for you.

I'd say don't give up even though you don't know what that way is.

Do you receive disability? Have you tried to apply?

If you got divorced after 20 years, could you get alimony? Perhaps you've consulted with a Lawyer. If you haven't, find one as some with provide a FREE consultation.

Then you could rent a pretty room in a nice house with utilities included with friendly, older roomies ( new friends).

And hubby is obviously hurting too, but your leaving would give him a chance to grow and have a good life too. Or not, His choice.

You have more resources than you realize. We all do.

Don't be married to the idea that you have no way out.

Where there is life there is hope.

Challenge yourself to something you know you could never do, & you will find that you CAN do so many things you never thought possible.

Nurture yourself. Do what you love; whether it's gardening, reading, writing, walking, whatever. You will grow stronger.

Listen to your spirit and honor your soul.

Meditate, Visualize and always look for the good.

Practice gratitude daily.

ALL of this continues to work for me.

This is a lesson. Be grateful for the lesson. Our problems present a unique gift to us. Try looking at it that way.

You never know what tomorrow may bring. It could bring something wonderful. Focus on that.

Tomorrow may be GREAT for you. Just consider that that is indeed an option for you.

With Love can do this. You have many sisters & brothers out there rooting for you!

Faith Ann

tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Love all the brain storming and problem solving Faith Ann. :-) To answer some your questions ladies... Men (as well as women) turn angry for a myriad of reasons but mostly its a manifestation of insecurity and inability to cope. In general, women cry, men anger because they see crying as a weakness but they do not realize that anger is even a bigger weakness. Your husband will choose you as a target because you are the easiest and safest target, its that simple. With you, his cowardly behavior will carry minimal repercussions, mainly due to your co-dependency factor. When hunting, lions choose the easiest target and the most vulnerable pray, that is the proven recipe for a full stomach that night. So do men, when in need to lift their overinflated pride and ego will denigrate you in order to get a quick and artificial boost of power. By the way, women do it very often too but in more subtle ways (like gossip).

Anyways, as mentioned many times here, there's not much you can do to change your husband but your own mental health is very much in your hands. If you can not or do not want to leave then make peace that you're living with someone who has a mental condition and you should treat them this way, very much like a doctor and patient relationship. It is sad but I believe this is the only way to survive and have a life.

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Interesting observations TADAS,

I agree wholeheartedly, and love the way you phrased your analogies.

Spot on!

PS: Got the job! Will offer necessary financial support to me, & it's very positive environment that'll supplement current business income. Who knows where it will lead...Excited to move froward, start April 13.


tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

There you go, a new chapter. Congrats Faith Ann.

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Hi Sona:

Can you speak to his family about his behavior? If you are close with them also, they may be able to get through to him.

How old is your son? How is his fathers relationship with him? Do they have one?

I'd recommend counseling for you & your son, and if your husband wants to go to, great. But at least you two go.

Is your husband physically aggressive toward you and/or your son? Domestic women shelters offer counseling, support groups and yes, even shelter. If its physical, go there do not wait.

Try to stay strong and positive, and take good care of yourself, so that you can take good care of your son.

Keep reaching out to better your life (even if it means starting over).

Good luck,

With much love,

Faith Ann

Caroline 2 years ago

You talk about setting boundaries, I'd like to ask how. I've been told by family and friends 'not to take it' when he treats me badly, but how?!! I've tried walking away, but he follows. I've told him he's going too far, but he gets worse. I've tried not engaging but he just keeps going.

How do I set a boundary - the only thing I can think of is leaving him, which isn't a solution.


sona 2 years ago

hi thankyou for answering me sir,i cannot talk to his parents about this .my son is just 5 yrs old ,hi srelation is fine but when he sees his father overreacting with me so he feels bad n tells me why is papa reactive all the time,i convince him saying he is tired or some excuse.Sir im more concerned about my sons behaviour in school ,he being aggressive n hiting his classmates without any reason,if the complaint comes home ,for that topic also my hubby n family hold me responsible for my childs aggressive behaviour,nowadays im giving more attention to my kid n motivating him do good things ,still im in a soup how to handle both ,plz help...thk u very very much once again

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Caroline & Sona:


You are right, in that, if he keeps violating your boundaries no matter what you do, I think you have to leave, or stay and know that he will never respect your boundaries.

Right now, he doesn't take you seriously, so you have to decide if you will put up with this until the end of time, or do you leave, which I think is the ONLY solution.

In closing, the only other question I have for you is: have you tried counseling for yourself? A good counselor will help you come to some healthy conclusions and will help you make good decisions about your future.

In the mean time, keep searching for answers anyway that you can...(books, websites, experts, etc) you will find them.

Dear Sona:

BOTH you & your husband are responsible for your sons behavior, not you alone. The Family and he are blaming you which is losing behavior, don't buy it.

I would get a counselor for you & your son who specializes in aggressive boys to find our what is wrong and how to correct it.

Eventually you will grow tired of making excuses for your husbands behavior, but I understand why you do that. I am more concerned that you take good care of YOURSELF, so that you can take good care of your son.

Keep reaching out and learning about this topic, you will find the answers you are looking for.

Don't give up!

With Love, Strength, & Patience,

Faith Ann

sona 2 years ago

Dear sir,im highly obliged abt yr concern.Just a point my husband never hits me but insults n shouts at me many a times.My family members never interfere in our relationship.I will never never give up ,i have become very strong n im working on play therapy n learning more on how to handle an aggressive will u get a councellor for me sir?sir i always ask 1 question to myself -why doesnt me husband love me?i know the answer is difficult but maybe the councellor may help me....hearty thankyou...

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Sona:

Not sure where you live, but check your city services they may offer free counseling that will help you cope, and understand your husbands behavior and how best to deal with it.

He's being disrespectful at best, and that is no way to treat one's wife and mother of his child.

He probably DOES love you, although in a twisted way. He takes out his stress on you.

Don't be around him when he's like that, and let him flame out & not vent on you. Difficult I know, I have a grumpy bear here too. In fact he just was super mean and disrespectful to me just now. It's ridiculous really, how someone could act that way, but there it is. I just told him not to EVER talk to me that way again and not to speak to me until he apologizes...whoa so tough to deal with.

I just tell him ( my H) to adjust his attitude (well before he got super nasty) . We all have negative thoughts and it's vital to stop them and consciously replace them with positive ones. Then we become self-fulfilling prophecies either way.

With Love,

Faith Ann

sona 2 years ago

Thankx in india n in a good city ,going for personal counselling is difficult ,my family will never cooperate.but the other thoughts i will take care to hubby will never change but i have to adjust accordingly ,my concern is presently my son n his behaviour,now the school has called us parents for counselling related to upbringing my my tensed my hubby has agreed to go for much will this help my kid.i m tensed for my kids behaviour towards everyone around him friends relatives etc...

Faith Ann 2 years ago


Good luck to you in India my dear!

I'm glad your husband is going to the school for counseling with you. Just remind him that you are a "team" in parenting and the goal is to provide a safe and loving environment for your son to grow up in.

I'd also shower your son with all the love and care possible. Nurture him, pay attention his needs. Play with him, take him to play sports perhaps ( to get out the aggression and have fun).

Pray with him and for him ( and for your hubby).

He will know that he is loved and that will make a world of difference in his life!

Good luck Sona!

Much Love from the USA,

Faith Ann

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Hi Sona

Perhaps there's a medical issue...I don't know. You can try taking him to a doctor for a check up to see if there is a physiological reason for his aggression. Also maybe there are psychological reasons and a good pediatric counselor and / or doctor may help with that.

Does your son play a lot of video games? Does he get exercize? What does he like to do ? Hows his his diet? I'd support his hobbies while researching child aggression via books, internet, his teachers and via any means you can find. Don't give up...this is the love of your life - your son who needs help.

Good Luck!

Faith Ann

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Hello Sona:

Well you've isolated the problem, now all you have to do is figure how to fix it.

Perhaps try to find a specialist in young child aggression. I assume you've tried rewarding good behavior, when he gets angry and controls himself- praise that and offer a sticker or something he'll work to earn.

There is a chart you can design with good behaviors on it: For example:

Cleaning room

Feeding pets

Doing school work

and for each good behavior he will get a sticker. You'll find he works to find things to earn a sticker.

The aggression issue may be more difficult to address I understand but you are right, this is a skill he needs to learn; how to handle his anger without hitting. Maybe he's learning to hit because he sees other kids doing it? I don't know.

As for defending himself, by all means I'd say he must do this. One thing I disagree with here in the States is; my children's school says if you are being beat up to just curl up and take it until an adult arrives! We as parents know & my husband and I agree on this - that is crazy, you have to defend yourself period. I don't care what the school says!

I feel confident that you will find the solution for this, so definitely keep looking, no matter how long it takes.

PS: My first name is Faith (It's not a title:-)

With much love to you and your family!

Faith Ann

sona 2 years ago

hi Faith Ann

I always love taking to u reside in states???im in surat(gujrat)india basically im from mumbai,so im an extrovert by nature,got married here past 10 yrs.Thankyou for all yr help like a friend or a sis...the idea of a chart-good behaviour is try it for sure.You r right re the defending activity for a kid.But schools really mentally torcher us away,il be going for another councelling this wednesday along with my hubby,1 more thing after the earlier councelling which i attended in school my hubby has calmed down too towards me n family which i take it positive.if the chart activity works i will be highly oblidged.god bless u Faith ann...catch u soon ...hv a great n a happy day bye

Faith Ann 2 years ago

YAY Sona..That's GREAT news!

Your hubby probably didn't realize how bad his behavior was.

As for me , yes I'm the the States in Florida.

With much love to my Mumbia India sis!

Faith Ann

sona 2 years ago

hey Faith Ann,more troubles entered my life,im crying writing u all this,had gone for counceling with my hubby to school.The councelor said that my kid is mature enough of knowing that he is doing wrong.Ann my kid has a fear against me coz earlier i use to hit him but now never.He feels my mother will be strict with me if i do anything wrong.Ann ive promised myself never ever to hit him instead discuss things when they go wrong.Another major he has observed his fathers aggressive behaviour towards me n the family n feels if he will be the same by screaming hitting he can boss over others.The teacher said he kicked a girl in the stomach without any reason.Now this is wrong ann.The teacher praises my son for all others things but hitting others lets him down.And the same story my hubby only points to me that im responsible for all all this.Ann im scared n fear my husband n dont have the capacity to discuss things with him.Lastly there is no love between me n my husband n my son is the sufferer.THIS IS WRONG WHY SHOULD MY SON SUFFER .....HELP ME PLZ

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Sona:

I am so sorry you are crying. Please try to rest and take good care of yourself so that you can think clearly to address this problem.

My suggestion is to go to counseling for yourself. This will help you make appropriate decisions about your future.

Do you have a job? If not perhaps you can look into that. I say that as you say you do not love your husband and I don't think you should spend your life with someone you don't love. It shows & your son can feel it. So in the long run it would be better to start over sooner rather than later.

If that's not an option, you need to find a healthy way to live in this situation...which is always to nurture yourself. Cultivate books on these will learn good ways to cope.

Good luck Sona andi I wish you much love!

Happy Easter!

Faith Ann

sona 2 years ago

Thankx Faith ann for yr concern.I use to serve before marriage after marriage before pregnancy in a bank(im a graduate)but then handling home responsibilities n a young kid n office is difficult n tiring.I don't want to do that -il avoid my kid in his small reqmts.Ann Indian culture for a woman is tough she has to be strong in her inlaw house.I will not gv up so fast,me n my hubby will go positive becoz of my son.And now I have started with small discussions with my inlaws n my hubby to create a better environment for my son.Ann u may not be surprised hearing that an indian hindu lady lives with her husband giving up all her wishes for the sake of her kid.i will do that too with happiness,my son is happy so will I be.I keep exibitions of western wear in the city so that makes me involved well,i have good friends in the city n my home town too n obviously 1 is you too.I will succeed......I WILL NEVER GV faith ann...have a happy life too...bye

sona 2 years ago

A very happy easter to u too...

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Thank you Sona...god bless you!

sona 2 years ago

Hi Faith Ann ...after a long time...vacation time my kid at home...tension less compared to school complaints.will go to mumbai for vacation ...thinking of taking my son for yoga...honestly his mischevious behaviour gets me thinking n thinking all the time...wat will happen next after my kid joins school in discussing about all this wants my kid to change school from next yr ,presently he will continue his school he will be in grade 1...but from grade 2 will tension goes on increasing going to approach a counsellor too...ive seen positive changes in my kid as he isgrowing but will he be fine with school peers?????????tc....

Fait Ann 2 years ago

Hi Sona:

Sorry for the delay...been busy working and initially.missed this email.

Sound's like things are better for your son away from school...maybe he should change schools next year to see if that helps. Being stressed about his school is not good for you and perhaps the next school will be better for him. You could always change back if it doesn't work, correct?

I would love to come to India one day so does my 17 yr old son. He wants to work on a farm there!

Good luck Sona!

Try to relax and do the yoga with your son. In fact, I need to do that too.

Thanks for the inspiration.

Faith Ann

Shar Mooto 2 years ago

thanks for your thoughts, but I'd like to know how to deal with an angry wife who is all take take take - I an mostly at the point of giving up and throwing it all away. I spent the last 10 years working to pay off house and continue paying bills etc, and feel like we are getting poorer each day. I'd love to be in a position to build a future for my kids but cannot with this useless lump hanging off me - she does not work, does not keep house, does not cook, does not appreciate me doing chores, cleaning, dropoff/pickup kids, cooking couple times a week (all while I am working 40 hours to bring income). tried all sorts of angles to encourage her to better herself through exercise, or start a business, or part time work. quite sad really. oh yeah, she is also addicted to a stupid ipad most of the day - all she does is look at that dumb screen, and the rest of the time at the TV. think she has lost touch with reality - depressin maybe - I dont know. I am sick of it and ready to just leave, or kill myself.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi Shar, yes indeed, angry wives are just as much a reality as any husband out there. From what you describe though she's not angry but lazy and disengaged, a bit of a ditz so to speak. :-) I'd say pull the carpet from under her and see what happens. You are worried your world will collapse if you don't keep up with your household duties so you might be creating a safe environment for her to maintain her "lifestyle" :-) Anyways, don't worry, if she doesn't change, you sound like a grand prize for any lady out there :-)

tammna 2 years ago

hi, actually i am very frustrated these days because of my husband, i just married last year...before marriage i was in a relationship with a guy bt i broke up wid him and my husband know everything abt dis before our marriage, but now he abuses me wid his name , i am very unhappy wid my marriage nd i am nt able to broke wid him bcoz of my parents,,,,,bt after fighting wid me he realize his mistake nd says sorry

fannie 2 years ago

I am having trouble we has been married he is mad because I don't have a job and he gives me money he is mad because I have controll over him I think he loves me but he talks nasty at time n blamed me for everything he is angry because I asks him to do things.he will do for m but be mad sometimes I hate him and Ineed ajob so I can leave him

sona 2 years ago

hi faith ann...howz u in Mumbai happy with family(hometown)I had told u ...have started with yoga for my kid(in yoga class there r kids too) n my parents too working hard on him...lets see I pray he goes back home to gujrat as a better improved ann im realizing maybe the love towards my husband from me should increase ,,maybe that may go positive towards my sons thinking.thkx dear nice writing to u after a long time,good day,bye.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi ladies, it is wonderful you're keeping in touch. Would you mind writing to each other directly on personal conversations? This way we'd keep this thread from becoming a 1000 page book. :-) Thank you.

sandra55 2 years ago

I have a husband that is wound up and angry all the time, and it's driving me crazy. He spends a vast majority of his time after work on his computer, trolling news, facebook, and keeping up to date with the latest politics happenings. All the flames in the political arena, gun rights, etc keep him pretty worked up. Then he goes to playing these games on his laptop shooting at aircraft; he says it relaxes him, but I don't see how because he seems even more tense! He hasn't learned to deal with his frustration and anger very well, not to mention he has no control over tone of voice when he's speaking to anyone. I have mentioned this to him on NUMEROUS occasions- it has become an extremely heated topic in our house. It causes severe conflict between him and our girls, because I get in the middle due to his inability to talk to them respectfully with a neutral tone of voice, without having to shout, be accusatory, or defensive, or derogatory.

I have asked him to go many times to the doctor, because he has been diagnosed with depression, and has been admitted due to suicide attempts. He drinks pretty heavy, diet is typical unless-my-wife-cooked-or-packed-it-I'm-going-to-fast-food-restaurant. He does not exercise in the least, and spends most nights awake due to insomnia and constant worry about things he cannot control. I know he needs to eat better, exercise, see a doctor for his ailments(this he admitted), but what do you do when they won't change their behavior? He has a non-existent relationship with our oldest, and tension in the house every afternoon because I'm sick of coming home and having no husband available because he's too busy playing video games and reading news. Don't tell him that, because he'll get mad.

Faith Ann: 2 years ago

Of course Tadas:

Sona: You can reach me directly at:

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Shar:

I have a bit of a dfferent take than Shar:

It sounds like you've completely given up on your wife and she knows it. You didn't say anything complementary about her in your post. You even referred to her as a "useless lump" - ouch!

You mention you have old are they? If they are minors, believe me she is busier than you can possibly imagine, and the younger they are, the more difficult it is to care for them.

That you feel that she is all "take, take, take" and does not appreciate your efforts speaks volumes though. Have you tried counseling?

Do you nuture your relationship by doing things together outside of work? They don't have to cost money, a nightly walk to together without the kids helps couples reconnect.

Do you know whats bothering her? What interests her? Her concerns? Do you care?

I'd suggest talking to a trusted friend about your options, talking to a paster or counseling together or alone, and I strongly suggest trusting yourself with any decision you make.

Tadas may be right on onepoint; if you leave, she may wake up. It takes two though, and a woman needs to know that she is valued by her mate.

In closing, I hope that you are kind to your wife, and that she is kind to you....whatever the outcome, try to remenber what brought you together in the first place, and look for the good.

Best of luck,

Faith Ann

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Sorry Shar...I meant that I have a slightly different take than TADAS.

My apologies.

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Hello Sandra 55:

Thank you for sharing.

You are right to be concerned as your hubby is struggling and your efforts to help will eventually pay off for your family.

Do you cook healthy foods? Do the two of you share any fun pastimes; walking, going to the movies...anything you can rekindle? How about something new?

The tone of voice issues must be addressed you are correct about that as well. Do YOU have a counselor or paster you could talk to for advice? I'd suggest that along with reading books on dealing with angry husbands...all of that really helped me.

You don't say how long you've been married...though I suspect it's over 10 years or so, as the tension is increasing with your oldest girl.

Take good care of yourself ( get enough rest, exercize, good nutrition and socialization- nurture your friendships!) so you are at your best to tackle this.

Hug your daughters, and listen to their concerns.

Try to do things together as a family.

You can do this.

With love,

Faith Ann

Wife who's losing it... 2 years ago

I've been married for six years. My husband has always had a short fuse when it comes to interrupting him when he's working. I am not allowed to call him to find out what time he'll be home, and if I speak to him at home when he's working on his laptop, he'll get really annoyed with me and say that every minute that I interrupt him adds an extra hour to his work. It's the weekend, but this morning he told me he'd be working "all weekend". At 9:30pm, I called to find out how he was going and when he'd be home. He lost his temper and got really annoyed with me for interrupting. He says he'll have to be at work all night now because of my thoughtlessness.

I know that he can't be interrupted while he's working, and I tread on egg-shells when he is, but I don't think it's unreasonable to want to know when to expect him home when it's late at night. He tells me I'm being unreasonable, and that he's tried so many times to explain this to me. I worry about if / when we have kids, that his attitude won't change.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi, I'm not quite sure why he gets so agitated but I can share with you I'm a bit this way too. Depending on the line of work he's doing he may need a lot of concentration and small talk can knock one out of a thought pattern or off of the "mental rail" so to speak. Usually people who write or program for a living are this way. It is very possible once he loses concentration it is very difficult to get it back, hours can be waster or important things missed. That is what causes the agitation, not you by any means. I wouldn't worry about if if he is completely fine at home. Seriously, just read what other ladies are going through and you'll realize you still have it good. When you have kids it may be a bit different, he'll worry too and want to know when things are not alright at home.

Faith Ann: 2 years ago

Hello Wife who's been losing it:

While I agree with what TADAS has said, I also agree with you in that you are NOT being unreasonable to wonder when your workaholic husband will be home when it's 9:30 PM on a weekend! You are not being thoughtless asking- he's being mean as heck accusing you of that! That cannot make you feel valued or cherished, in fact, it probably makes you feel less important than his work.

Is there ever a time you two can talk and both of you listen without interuption? If so, start there, & set some ground rules. Something like you'll agree not to call and bother him but you also expect to know when he's coming home (ballpark time). Perhaps HE could be thoughtful enough to let YOU know so that you don't worry.

Also, do you two do fun things together? If that's starting to slip away catch it fast, your marriage and family is WAY more important than work. That doesn't mean work is not vital - just that YOU and HE together are more vital than work.

If you can talk with each other and listen, both of you cam negotiate terms that are acceptabe to each of you. Your opinions and terms are equal to his. If he acts otherwise, stand your ground.

If you cannot talk or you don't feel listened to any more, I'd recommend counseling for you alone or both together.

You should not be made to feel that you are "walking on eggshells" when you try to reach your husband for God sakes, and he should care and not want you to go through that.

Good luck, stay with it, keep searching for ways that make you feel valued, respected and loved-the way you should be.

Faith Ann

Lil 2 years ago

so where is the advice for men and how to control their temper? Once again an article telling women how to act to "smooth" things out rather than teach men what is not acceptable to do.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Follow the links Lil, I have an entire blog devoted to men or anyone else with the angries :-)

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Hi Lil:

That's something that the women have to do...set firm boundaries with real conserquences for what behavior is acceptable and what is not.

Good luck!

shar 2 years ago

Heartbroken as I write this, my partner has lost his temper again and this time in front of his 11 and 8 year old daughters. We have a 1 year old and his daughter had misbehaved so badly as I tried to get him to sleep that it disturbed and scared him so I'd gone to speak to her but her Dad shouted at me as though I was blaming him and shouted at her for causing trouble. When I got him to sleep I went to ask why she had behaved that way and she was very rude and ignored me and messed about with a picture she'd drawn on the wall. I was so upset at this on top of her being rude to her Dad earlier (she swore at him) and disturbing the baby that in frustration I pulled the picture down off the wall. I tried to talk to her to say I know it wasn't nice but that she hadn't been very nice to everyone else and her Dad lost it. Grabbed me by both arms shouting at me to get out pushed me to the door and shoved me backwards through the door. My back is hurting and I have thumbprints down my arms. He then began to shout at her saying it was her fault for causing trouble. She turned on him saying he was out of order to me and she wanted to go to Mum's

He told them we don't love e.ach other and are breaking up.

I went to see if his daughter was ok later and she was very upset saying her Dad and sister both say it's her fault but I've explained that even though she was naughty it doesn't justify that reaction to me and me getting hurt by her Dad.

He is now in bed, he came in the room acted like nothing happened told me he was going to bed and said goodnight. I said do you realise I have bruises? He said you shouldn't butt in then and leave me to things and that he wanted to break up.

If anyone else told me this I'd beg them to leave but I just can't bring myself to go, our boy is a Daddy's boy and I'm old fashioned in that I think if you have kids you need to make it work somehow.

I believe he has depression, he took anti depressants a couple of years ago and was calming a bit but then stopped cold turkey and got worse. he saw a counsellour but didn't think he needed it so quit. I left because of his temper a few times and went to my parents and he said if he lept shouting he'd get help. Now he says he doesn't need help I have to stop ordering him about. If I mention leaving he just says that's up to you and seems to think I'd rather be at my Mum's. He's backing me in a corner where I won't have a choice.

His son has been taken into a residential school for horrific behaviour problems especially temper and on top of this during our 3 years my partner has been going through court with his ex wife over his house.It ended last month with him keeping it til the kids turn 18. I've asked him to let me buy her out so our baby won't lose his home when he's older but he says he'll never let me have my name one anything nor will he marry me as he can't trust anyone after her.

He shouted at the girls last week as didn't want to hear something their brother had done and screamed at our 1 year old for taking a tomato out of the fridge and getting it on his top.

I'm heartbroken as I met the most loving caring kind man I could imagine who talked constantly of when we'd marry and our future and now I have a Jekyl and Hyde who I'm treading on eggshells around.

Has he hidden his true colours and this is him or

kkkk80 2 years ago

I pressed the wrong button so submitted before I finished so will continue here... Is he showing his true colours or is something wrong with him? His Mum used to offer to talk to him but now she and his sister are turning against me and blaming me. Yet in the next breath they say they can't talk to him as he'll go mad. His daughter who was the 'cause' tonight even said I should leave if he keeps doing this. He shouted at me in front of her last week and she admitted earlier she told him that she won't see him if he keeps shouting.

I'm just completely lost and want the man I met back :(

Vicky 2 years ago

I'm not convinced by this article. Ok, if I know I've done something wrong that could cause an outburst on my husbands part then I would acknowledge my part but what advice do you give to a woman whose husband has just screamed and shouted at her because there was no bread in the house (I had bought some the same day but my mum accidentally took it home with her shopping and I hadn't realised). Even when this was explained to him the screaming got louder and louder so much so that my 2 1/2 year old and my 6 month old were both woken up. The 6 month old was crying as a result. I had to endure 20 minutes of aggressive screaming and swearing. Apparently it was my fault because when he asked if I needed anything picking up I said no. Why would I say yes when I knew I had bought everything only a couple of hours before. A simple mistake on my mothers part caused an extremely aggressive outburst that myself and two children had to endure. As for boundaries, surely my marriage vows are clear boundaries - love, honour etc. Men are adults, why should the woman have to spell out what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. Surely that's what mothers and fathers should teach their children and I know his mother did. Men seem to have a get out of jail free card that says the woman should smooth things over, the woman should always be the peacekeeper. My husband takes no responsility for his actions and I'm expected to be the peace keeper and smooth things over. Even if it is not my fault he reads it as I am smoothing things over because I know I'm at fault. No it's because I don't want my daughters to hear this again. My night has been ruined yet again because right before he discovered there was no bread he took a phone call which he was annoyed with and hey presto verbal punching bag in the room. Six months ago I had a c section late in the afternoon. The next day visiting started at 12pm and I asked him to be there for that time. He turned up at 4pm! My fault because he didn't want to be stuck in a hospital and had work to do! How rubbish did I feel with a newborn baby and no husband there whilst everyone else's husband was visiting. Not even a phone call so I could arrange another visitor. Maybe I should have been the peace keeper there too!

Faith Ann: 2 years ago

Dear Shar (aha kkkk80):

My advice is to go to your Mums ( and I'm glad you have a place you can go- a lot of people don't).

Your husbands behavior is WAY out of control and will only worsen over time in my opinion ( and from my personal experience).

He does need help. His minor children and your baby deserve to be raised in an emotionally safe environment. This one is not even close.

When he says he won't have put your name on any property after the experience with his ex-wife, well, YOU deserve better and a real 50-50 partnership - not 100%-0 . Time for real consequensces. Take the baby & go to your Mums, I'd advise the 11 & 8 year old to go to their Moms, and state clearly that you will not even consider coming back until he's been in counseling for his behavior issues for about 6 months. It'll be a challenge for doubt, don't go back in a week.

You say you want your relationship to last no matter what....this is not your fault and you are asking for more bruises if you stay- along emotional scares and trauman for the 3 childern. They deserve better - get help and take action for THEM...and for yourself. For your partner too. This will help ALL of you to lead a hi quality life worth living.

PS: You could file a police report if you have bruises and they'd take him to jail, That would be a huge wake up call.

Not saying I'd recommend that..just so you know.

Stay out of denial, be smart, write back if you need to.

With love,

Faith Ann

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Sorry about the typos in my last postto Shar kkkk80...too quick on the clicker.

Dear Vicky:

Noone causes someone else to have an emotional, angry outburst- That's Rule # 1. Your husband is full of it!

Don't listen to that rubbish. The reason he blames you is that blaming temporarily relives the pain he is in. It doesn't matter WHO he blames, anyone will do and the spouse is an easy target.

Know that.

As far as boundaries, marriage vows are NOT boundaries, (they are more like guidelines) as boundaries have to have consequesnce should one party cross them. I too, wished, hoped and prayed that my husbnad would act like a gentleman and treat me as such and apologize for mistakes (we all make em...) but that's just wishful thinking. Took me years...decades to come out of denial and realize HE and HIS behavior were the problems, # 1 his drinking. So I reserached, read books about angry men ( Lundy Bancroft and Patrica Evans books on Verbal abuse) attended counseling and confided in trusted frineds and realized the truth. Grudging I prepared to file divorce after talking with a few people , lawyers, etc., and guess what..? Hubby quit dring 1 week ago today to save his marraige., His back was against the wall and he saw the proverbial writing on the wall. He's sooooo much nicer, more productive, unbeleivable. Whatever happens with our marriage we'll both be better people for this.

Girlfriened, your baby and toddler need a better home and you are the only one who can provide it. Do all the research, find a couple of trusted friends, counselors or pasters to help you think this through and find the best course of action, and set boundaries with consequences.

Mainly - his blowing his top and terrifying the children over forgotten bread ( no matter who's at fault) is unnacceptable and you will NOT tolerate it. Then leave if he does it again & stay gone permanently unless you want more trauma in your life. He CAN change but you need actions not apologies only and right now he doesn't have to because you are putting up with the BS. You didn't say he was violent...if he is keep that (leaving) a secret. I hope & pray he's not.

In any case, this is my best advice. Other wise, you and your children will continue to suffer. Took me 20 years Vicky! And my life is sooo much better from my searching for answers and finding the truth ( he'll know when you are 100% certain he's the problem - his behavior that is and he'll know when you are serious), the best courses of I have an excellent opportunity for a full, satisfying and happy quality of life!

I wish that for you and for your young children! With Love and encouragement,

Faith Ann

Di 2 years ago

Day four of the silent treatment! Oh, I'm not arsed. I can't even remember the reason for his silence! I think it might have been my poor tone of voice, maybe I looked at him in a disrespectful manner. It could be anything.

His face is mean, moody and all depressed. He wonders why I don't fancy him anymore. Well he's obese and just lies there expecting me to do all the work. And he can't keep his gob shut, barking do this, do that orders. He makes me feel cheap.

When he does speak it's at me not to me. It usual a snipe or a criticism. Everyone thinks he's the loveliest man. They don't see what he does to me.

He's a boring individual, never wants to do anything other than watch telly. I fear the kids are missing out in a major way. He never takes them anywhere.

It's all him, him, him. Last year he missed a day out to a show and a holiday because of some medical drama or another. He's always ill.

When he does talk it's all critism aimed at the women he works with. He really does seem to hate women but of course is charismatic as can be to their faces!!

I don't argue anymore. I'm too tired and it makes the situation worse. He can argue with himself from now on.

From tonight I have promised myself that My sons and I will have the life we deserve. I can no longer put up with his childish ways. I am not leaving but I am changing. I am going to put my children and myself first.

If you are in the early days of marriage or do not have children. Do yourself a big favour and get out. No one should live like this. I have spent 22 years with this loser. I should have trusted my gut instinct in the early days when I questioned myself about whether it was normal to play fight so roughly. Or whether it was normal for your bf to never take you out.

I had two alcoholic parents and was so naive and mixed up when I met him. I did not know what normal was. He was 14 years my senior. I kick myself.

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Di:

It has taken you 22 years to trust yourself and affirm what you already knew... but please don't kick yourself! You are exactly right- when you grow up with alcoholic parents you get mixed up!

You have it right now though and you are wise to LIVE while you are alive and put your kids first.

Perhaps in your wisdom you will find a place in your heart to be kind to your husband, not take his crap and tell him so when he starts to criticize and maybe that will soften his attitude. I suspect he knows you think he's a loser. If he is truly...can you make plans to leave someday?

Right now you are feeding off each others behavior...if that makes sense.

In any case, I know you will make a good life for you and your sons, as you are putting them first.

With love,

Faith Ann

sona 2 years ago

Hi Faith ANN.Im bk home....started with my kids school n working on my relations between my hubby n me ....i pray for the best...catch u soon

Di 2 years ago

Thank you. I have just tried talking to him. I asked him why he was stonewalling me. Apparently he isn't. He just can't be bothered. He looked me in the eyes and all I could see was hatred. I am the problem he said, I must now that. And he is sick of me not communicating my problem to him! He asked me why it had taken me so long to ask him what the problem was.

I am clear in my rational head that he is wrong but he has an intimidating look on his face that churns my stomach and makes me question whether all of this is down to my actions, my own inadequacies as a wife, a parent and as a person. He really is one screwed up bastard.

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Di:

So sorry you are going through this. Of course you are not the problem, his behavior is, he's blaming you and blaming is losing behavior, period. No one is perfect, and kindness is vital, for him to put all of the responsibility for a healthy relationship and good communication on you in complete BS. Just know that...k? That doesn't mean you have to dish it back out to him, ( though it's hard not to)...I'd recommend leaving the room and not wasting your breath on talking with someone that unfair. Is he ever rational? Are you certain you cannot divorce and collect alimony? That would be a HUGE wake up call for him and he may or may not change. Choice is up to him. If you cannot leave for whatever reason....focus on your health ( spiritual, emotional, physical, social, financial etc) and that of your children. Stay strong.

Life goes by quick. Stay positive and live and enjoy your life.


Faith Ann

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Hi Sona:

I have a similar problem with my hubby. Mine quit drinking in May so the hellish, nightmarish tirades have stopped mostly. However, he still angers quickly and raises his voice to me , & blames me for his misery. I too am trying to figure out the best response. I've discovered that its best to be kind to him and treat him the way I would like to be treated while also calmly expressing my thoughts about his blaming and curt tone etc. When he's rude and mean I opt to not be around him, & instead surround myself with nurturing friendships and healthy outlets; exercize, work, hobbies etc.

I've also found that I don't do enough for rewarding myself for my hard work with a new pair of shoes, bottle of wine etc...which I now do. That is what I would recommend for you Sona.

Enjoy YOUR life and YOUR SON. Make it clear to your husband that he can be miserable, mean and ugly but you are not going to be around to hear it...and leave the room, the house, whatever you need to do to protect your emotional health & sanity.

You are not alone. Stay strong.

Glad the yoga is working for you & your son...stay with it!

Love you girl!

Faith Ann

sona 2 years ago

hey Faith ann...i always feel nice sharing with u ....well noted yr points on the reward part thats good...n i will work on being more soft spoken n calm n patient around my husband.Headache story has reduced due to medicines but not over...i feel surprised how does an angry man affect a kid n a womans life going non smoothly

thank you very much tc

have a lovely n happ y day


Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Sona:

It makes me happy & gives me strength to hear from you too...thank you!

And thank you TADAS for allowing us to share on your wonderful site. Happy fourth of July to you ( Independence day in America).

With love, Faith Ann

Foreverdark 2 years ago

I am glad I stumbled across this blog. Cant believe how similar my situation is to many others here and I have read through each and every comment here. What great advice and support you give Faith Ann.

I got married to the "love of my life" 10 yrs ago and we have 2 beautiful daughters with the second one being just an year old. These 10yrs had some real highs and some excruciatingly painful lows. Since the past 3yrs its been just lows to the point it has driven me to suicidal thoughts. My husband is extremely short tempered and I am unable to function without fear of him being pissed off. He verbally abuses me and uses pathetic language in front of the kids. We live with my inlaws as we cannot afford to live on our own. His own dad is exactly like him and treats my MIL like rubbish. My MIL is submissive and basically has been living like a robot for the past 38yrs.

I have reached the end of my tether and my mind tells me to run with the kids. But I am afraid he will take the kids away from me. I am from UK but we moved to India 3yrs ago. I hate it here. My mum thinks I should try to make my marriage work but I cannot do it unless he is ready to go counselling for his anger issues.

I want to leave him but he is also financially abusing me as he gives me no access to any money and have to keep asking him for it. Ever since I started working he took everything I earned and put it in our joint account as he takes care of bills but never gives me any money more than that is necessary and I have to account every penny spent. He has racked up huge debts in my name back in UK which I will be unable to pay off if I choose to leave him. I am stuck and no idea how to get out of this hell hole.

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Oh Foreverdark... of course you feel that way...he is treating you like a prisoner or a slave!

I'd like to see you change your name to "Foreverlight" !

In other words, you are smart enough to know you cannot live a happy life being treated like this. Your MOL has turned herself into a robot; that's the only way she can cope with that kind of life. Give her a BIG hug and much love, support, joy and understanding, as often as you can. She must be one strong lady.

As for you, who cares how much it costs back in the UK, really. My question would be: do you want to have a life surrounded by nurturing, supportive people who are full of life & happiness? Or do you want to be married to someone who takes YOUR money and doles it out like you are a child? Think of it, he is treating his adult partner like a minor!

Is he physically abusive too? If so, I'd say keep your plans to your self.

If not, and he's verbally abusive only, have you told him that he needs to treat you with respect & kindness, and that you will do the same with him and that anything else is unacceptable?

The fact that he makes you ask for money is humiliating enough, he should not want you to have to ask! He should WANT you to have everything you could ever need!

So, after you decide your course of action ( plan silently or openly) I'd also suggest counseling to help you clearly think through your options This could be joint or solo depending on how receptive your husband is. Take care in finding a good counselor that you may take going through a few! But it's well worth it to find the right one.

Your daughters need to see & experience a healthy relationship between you and your husband and your in laws, lest they create the same hellish nightmare marriage for themselves. If you have to be strong for them, do it!

I'd recommend researching and reading books about angry men (Lundy Bancrofts Why do they do that?) and Patricia EvAns books and website about verbal abusive relationships, as well as books on healthy relationships will help.

I'd do all of that while stealing moments for you, your girls and even MOL on play dates at the park or mall, or lunch, where and whenever you can. Even take the husband if he has nice moments. Enjoy the sun, a warm bath and nurture yourself and friendships too. Just don't settle for the BS & bad treatment! He'll know you are serious, and know that if he says "You'll never be anything" or anything else negative, that he's just plain wrong and HE'S THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM.

You got this!

We all owe TADAS a world of thanks for creating this blog. Has helped me tremendously too. I have found that the more I learn, the less BS I am willing to put up with.

The quality o f our lives depend largely on each of us. We must correct past mistakes and admit them, while not beating ourselves up over them! We must forgive ourselves, & even our hubbies and always look for the good in life, while actively making good choices ( best we can).

The fact that your hubby was (and is) the love of your life is promising. If you can talk to him, if he'll listen, try seeing what is bothering him. Maybe you can address that and help.

And do try counseling, etc.

Never give up.

Take care and good luck foreverlight!

Love you all,

Faith Ann

Hell dweller 2 years ago

Thanks god I stumble upon this blog and very nice article. Today my angry partner came home and started snapping at me for not clean home, I look after baby and am responsible for all household chores, have been busy like hell and am expected to do cleaning of kitchen as well. I got not four arms or 4 legs. But can't reason out.

I told my narcissist partner to shut up and that I will not take his crap any more (setting boundaries) ! Confronted him with anger and abuse as well, instead of crying in a corner. Worked like magic. He apologised.

Things look so far ok. But learnt a lesson never be a victim and don't let anyone cross the boundaries.

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Right on hell dweller!

martinaontong 2 years ago

Thank you for a great article. However I still feel like I am about to either book myself into an institute or just simply get a breakdown. My husband is such an angry person and foes not like to read on or here if he is wrong in any way. Married for 20 years now. He is battling emotionally not bring able to provide. ..but even when he had a job the anger was there. He is been treated with depression. Went for therapy. Have up on addictions. Alcohol. .smoking...etc is no longer a factor. Yet I could never have my own identity. I had to be submissive to what he wanted all these years. Spoke the way he wanted...had to dress the way he wanted..had to act the way he wanted. The abuse just never ends. I have to apologise for the tone I speak to him in. I have to apologise for my facial expression. Most times I find myself praying to God to change me physically in every possible way that us pleasing to him. He has such a good heart when I comes to people but can be do dam nasty. I feel responsible when he gets angry. .I'm the only one that can get him to hit his hand broken or through his phone against the wall just by the tone in which I speak to him. Today he looked like his face was pulling skew. He spoke to our our son about his exam results and I gave him a look with an attitude when he shut my daughter up while she was humming in the kitchen. He called me to the room later for a talk and an explanation for my attitude. I am just soooooo tired of all this temper tantrums. Tired of carrying the guilt and not having the freedom to express my feelings cause it feels like everything all was has to be about him. I'm just reaching breaking point.

slawson83 2 years ago

I have previously posted about about my life with an angry husband and thought I would post an update. Married 31 years and separated for almost a year. I told him a few months ago I can't give any more of my life to him and his bad attitude and anger and was fully prepared to file for divorce. He begged me to give him another chance and said he would get help for I felt was an underlying depression. He did get help and has been a different person. Our relationship is getting back on track. I wish I had drawn my line in the sand years earlier so that we would have had more years of happiness. I hope that you all will consider making the move to get out now. If he really wants you in his life, he will get help. If he doesn't get help, then good riddance.

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Martina:

You are NOT responsible fir HIS behavior...HE is.

I also didn't like the way you describe him talking to your daughter, My advice is to get a good counselor for you ( and your kids if they'll go ) to understand how he is blaming you for all of the problems in life.

I would also read books by Patricia Evans about controlling men ( to better understand his behavior. In a nut shell, he has an idea of a :perfect woman: and how she should behave...which is perfectly at all times, like a robot or Stepford wife, and those make-believe people do not exist. You have been trying to please him to keep the peace, so he'll be nice to you, and that's an impossible feat, as you must lose yourself and become a robot or non-person without real needs and feelings to do it.

I am also concerned at the signals his treatment of you is sending to BOTH of your children. It's not OK to treat a woman badly, and your daughter's likely to marry the same kind of man, and your son may become one. If you cannot be strong for strong for them.

Also ready Lundy Banckrofts :Why does he do that?" about angry men...boy that ones a eye-opener. Quite sobering as well.

Martina: You and your children deserve a life of happiness with a partner who treats you like a human being complete with dignity and respect. Your husband does not.

Stay strong. Do not feel guilty. You are not resonsible for anyone's behavior but your own!

With much love,

Faith Ann

sona 2 years ago

Hi Faith Ann,how z u ,me fine dear my health good no headache.hubby n me OK OK going on.....but my son problem started again same-hitting others....mi confused with my own self how to handle just 1 kid in the brain just working round n round focusing on his aggressive behavior towards his classmates....teachers complaints all the time...Wat to do???help

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Sona:

Sounds like there is more to your sons behavior problems...I'd find s good doctor, check his diet..does one food make him more aggressive while another calms him? I'd also check with a good therapist or school counseler for suggestions. Meet with his teachers for ideas.

How has the reward - sticker game been working?

Does he get enough attention from you? Enough exercise? Enough encouragement and love from you and hubby?

Keep studying for answers will find them.

With love,

Faith Ann

Goshko 2 years ago

How about actually listening to what he's trying to say, and not closing in your shell, rejecting responsibility for your actions, that irritated him the first time

Nikki 2 years ago

My husband is always getting angry. The worse part is he always forget what bad things he has done during that time. He breaks goods in house even our little one's play items he breaks. He is very selfish and he remember only my bad. He almost forget what bad things he has done during that time. He never apologies nor accept his fault.

When I did correct thing and he did wrong and once he realize it, he totally turn it other way. He says the correct thing has been done by himself and I have done the wrong thing and he really believes it.

He is very nice to others and holding very respective post in the country. Outsiders like him and respect him very much. But in home, he is totally different person. My life is like a hell now. As he is a good talker no one can talk with him and made him understand his weakness.

I came from a good family background and never experienced this kind of behaviour. He called me different names, through items.

When he is in good mood, there is no in the world better husband than him. I have tried several times by staying silent but then he because further strong and blame me. Because of my baby and our culture do not accept divorce much, I'm living in this hell.

Dear Goshko 2 years ago

If someone is closing in their shell, sounds like they're being attacked to me. Why not try a little kindness & compassion?


Faith Ann

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Dear Nikki:

So sorry to hear that you are going through this! It's very good that you come from a healthy family background so that you know that this is not normal or healthy behavior. Don't tolerate it. He's trying to twist his behavior to make it seem ok and make you think you're crazy- when you are most certainly not. By reaching out show how sane you are!

Get the book by Lundy Bancroft "Why Does he Do That...etc" It will explain his behavior to a T, and what to do about it.

Go to counseling too if you can ...with or without him.

Learn, learn, learn, and treat yourself your children even him, well.

With much love & support,

Faith Ann

Lisa Tipton 2 years ago

I have been married to my husband for over 12 years. His anger waxes and wanes like the moon. He doesn't show his anger around others and works great with them but when its just us he's different. Thank you for writing an article from a male perspective. I agree with alot of what you said on both parts. I just feel like I'm lost in trying to get him to understand.

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Hi Lisa:

I feel your pain!

My husband and I are separated now, and I experienced the behavior you describe personally. Quite frankly, it escalates over time, we were together 25 years and now have two (almost- grown) boys ages 17-21.

My recommendation would be to seek counseling for both of you ( if he will go) if not go yourself. The counselor you choose is also extremely important, in that they be trained in verbal abuse, controlling spouses, etc. If you are trying to appease him constantly, thinking of every possible way you can keep the peace and be kind to him - but he's not responding - than it's not you. And you're actually reinforcing the bad behavior. Your post was short so I assuming some info here & of course I may be wrong about your situation.

I'd also research this subject in books by experts: Lundy Banckrofts "Why Does he do That?" is an excellent, as is any book by Patricia Evans. These will help you to understand what you are dealing with, and what steps to take to build a healthy marriage and a good life...before you spend more years in an unhealthy, escalating situation.

Good luck to you...don't give up!

Faith Ann

Mona K 2 years ago

I been married from past 25 years and I did everything but my husband did not changed at all. Today also he told me u live in my house and u eat my food. I am looking for work very badly and I did master in science and worked all the time. Due to two kids i left work 10 year ago and I am 50 so very difficult to find work. That is biggest mistake I made to left my work . This type of 24/7 insult ,abuse and control what I am going from 25 years no one can handle. But where to go ? what about kids ?

AMP 2 years ago

I see this post is from at least 2 years ago, and it's a great post. I'm glad to have read it.

One question I do have, and hope to get a response to is this:

How do you, "not tolerate it?" It being the condescending, verbally abusive parts. There has to be a better answer then just "leave him"

As a mother of two, with no car and no job I don't see the option of just leaving.

How do I not tolerate something with out leaving?

tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

What I meant by "do not tolerate it" was that one should not leave it a "status quo" and just live with it as it is. There are things one can do like set some boundaries and have very serious conversations. The key here is timing... I wouldn't do it in the middle of his charade. Do it when all the dust settles. Tell him there is research out there that kids will model their future partners according to the relationship of their parents. This means that they will treat others or allow themselves to be treated by others the way parents treat each other. Ask him, "Do you want your daughter's future husband to treat your daughter like this? Is this how you want your son to treat his wife? How happy will he actually be?" Make sure to tell him that you are there for him to help him through frustrations and in order to save this relationship and enjoy life together he must learn to deal with his feelings, especially when there are so many good ways to learn these days. There are many other things you can do to not tolerate it, only you knowing your situation can determine where you can "turn the faucet off" so to speak :-) But honestly, this is just a start. The best way to not tolerate it is be cool and transform your entire attitude about anger, ego, self-clinging, patience, kindness and so on. He won't become a better person yet but YOU will.

ladyguitarpicker profile image

ladyguitarpicker 2 years ago from 3460NW 50 St Bell, Fl32619

Very good article. I left my first husband for this reason. You just do not want to take that anymore. My kids once said to me mom you never come home from work yelling. How come you don't yell at the kids and the dog? I thought awhile and the kids were right. I swear to you I never had another migraine again after my divorce. Who needs it?

Faith Ann 2 years ago

Lady Guitar picker:

Your words are a god I recently separated from my husband after a 25 year relationship / marriage w/ 2 kids and the future looks bright ( down the road anyway). Right now its challenging as heck & its only been 1 month & 1/2.

My biggest mistake was Mona's ( see post from 4 days ago). I quit my job after my first child- at my husbands urging of course and when I was ready To go back to work 15 Yeats later I could not find a well paying sales career/job like the ones I'd gotten SO easily earlier in life. I just kept waiting for the "right time" to leave & finally things got so bad with his alcoholism, suspected personality disorder and constant anger toward me AND the boys, I left and am staying with a friend. My youngest son is a senior in HS and is living with my sister in law ...its a safe nurturing environment for him. I got a job in March that has restored my confidence though it is not enough to live on yet.

But it's a start.

I got to the point where I knew I could never have a good quality of life with my ex....and when I was 100℅ and had enough during one if his tirades my girlfriend picked me up in a monsoon no less.. And I'm rebuilding my life.

Stay strong Ladies,

With love,

Faith Ann

amanda 2 years ago

I find letting my spouse say what he needs to say without any instructions helps him realize that he is either speaking with conviction because he is right, which follows with an 'I'm sorry ' from myself or either he was being as complete ass and was insensitive to me and my feelings and at the end of his rant sometimes hours later he apologizes for hurting my feelings. The man should never be made feel any less of a man. His home is his castle, his wife/partner his queen, and both should be respected in their roles.

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hazelbrown 2 years ago from Central PA

This is an amazing hub. Amazing!

WitsEndPA 2 years ago

I'm going on 20 years with my husband, and truly don't know how much longer I can make it. I am a Christian and believe that God wants me to try with everything I have to make my marriage work, but I'm exhausted mentally. In the beginning, when my husband got angry, I would get angry back. It was not pretty, my poor kids heard more than anyone should ever hear. Now, I pick my battles, I take my time with my words, I pray for those right words. Last night, hours after his anger flared up, and I thought settled down, I tried to tell him that his anger is killing me. I had put so much time into making sure I had the right words, and yet it turned into another 2 hours of him yelling at me. At what point is enough just enough? I do feel trapped here as we own a business together and still have 1 child below the age of 18.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Usually enough is enough when both partners are ready to give up and see no future together. I think many men don't even realize how fragile their relationships are due to their behavior and it is good to remind them, "Listen, I feel I've reached the end and I feel enormous amount of suffering for being treated like this. I don't think I can last much longer and we may have to look into living separately." On the other hand, what is his anger about? is it something you do or say, is it the others? We get angry with our spouses, there is just no avoiding that when living under the same roof. The only question is do we abuse each other when we get angry? Please try to figure out WHAT is it that he's angry about, is it the same thing over and over, can you compromise and do something, or is it various unpredictable things…

Zaina Star profile image

Zaina Star 2 years ago from Pakistan

Very useful ! I didn't expected this kind of an article from a guy. Sir maybe you are from some other planet where men are sensitive and caring !

tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

yes from the planet called The School of Hard Knocks :-) What I mean is that I havent been the nicest guy in many respects myself but by introducing awareness about the problem and working to grow out of it is what gives me some experience.

confused 2 years ago

I am 21 and have been with my partner for 4 years now, we have a little girl about to turn 2. My partner is a lovely man, 32 but I'm finding it harder to deal with his anger. The age gap had never been a problem until now, I guess it is a clash of egos, my partner wanting to guide me and me wanting to do and learn for myself. My dad also suffered with anger and on occasion lashed out and so I told myself I would not put up with it again from anyone. I learned to deal with my dads outbursts, to stay calm, diffuse the situation and talk later, we now have a wonderful relationship. When my partner began to show similar outbursts I tried to do the same. It worked, until about a year ago, we moved away from his parents and into our own place. It's like walking on egg shells at the minute and I'm struggling to cope. We moved to a small village, with no family or friends to speak of in the area, I don't drive, buses are only every 4 hrs, so I find it near impossible finding work or even just to talk to friends, therefore have no income and feel quite isolated and now have to rely on him for everything. I have tried to talk to him about how I feel, but its as though its all a great competition and so nothing is resolved. He has acknowledged that he has a problem with anger, he has been very upfront with his thoughts about it, as always and says he hates himself for it. I feel terrible for him and the situation that we are in, he works endlessly with little reward and I feel as though I don't know how to deal with it anymore. My patience is wearing thin and I can no longer hang back long enough, nor can I just simply take the blame or the hurtful words. He has tried some anger management techniques, we've talked about spirituality although he doesn't take it seriously with me but will with others. It's like he hears but doesn't listen or argues against me, or say's he has ten years more experience. This is when he's calm and it is so out of character for him. It is not a case of being able to say I understand that he feels drained and I constantly try to reassure him that things will improve that he is doing a wonderful job in caring for us, I think his securities run deeper than that. All the while he takes all his frustration out on me. He is quite violent when he is angry throwing things, slamming doors, the subject is very varied and unpredictable and it is not nice having a child in the house with this going on. I struggle to keep calm and now feel quite closed to him, it is hard to stay open with all this going on. I would like go back to college, but I don't know what to do for the best, I think we need time away from each other but he is so afraid of loosing us, his daughter especially, that I'm stuck trying to weigh up the possibility of change in our relationship and trying to do something that is important to me. I also think that living where we are accentuates the whole situation, so the petty and menial things that would have been a joke are now made into rather a big deal. If there is any advice or help you can give it would be most appreciated. Thank you

Eva Halafihi 2 years ago

Hi there, I know it's kind a weird to talk and so open to a stranger but to be honest after reading your articles, alot of things make sense and it gives me ideas of how to deal and set boundaries around people and my husband.I am 24yrs old my husband is 33yrs old and we been married for 4yrs now. He's 50% nice and 50% NASTY in my brain, and I have no idea how to deal with that. Coz he can be so nice to me but also can be so nasty towards me too. The age different has not been a problem in the beginning but it's been 4yrs and the last 2yrs, I started to see how he's treating me for example, most of the time when I cooked or do whatever I'm doing, he always watched me and tell me how to do things and it gets annoyed all the time because I felt like he's being controlling and treating me like I am a little kid, or like I don't know how to do things.. He does really have an anger issues where he gets mad at me, walked away, yelled, swearing and breaking things all the time. He's been doing this for the whole 4yrs and honestly I am so sick of it, It was so hard in the beginning of the relationship to leave him but recently my feeling and love for him is starting to fade away. I feel so closed coz I can't say anything without him getting frustrated and angry. Every day I felt better being by myself then been around him, I started to do things on my own but he started to question me all the time why I don't like to do things with him, and when I told him that sometimes I like to do things by myself, he get's mad and accuse me of not wanna be close or do things with him which to me is so childish. After every fights he comes back and apologies and say good things about me, he told me multiple times that he's gonna change, he's gonna treat me good, he's gonna stop breaking things, which I never believe him when he says those things coz I ain't no fool. And I'm always right for not believing him coz the next things you know hours later when we get into a discussion and I disagree with him, he get mad, breaks things again and it's been going for 4yrs. And I blame myself for believing his lies, for always apologizing to him for his wrong doing, for always telling him that it's OK. Like there's time where I don't know what to say or do and I just shut down and he gets more mad but if I say something he still gonna be mad and don't want to listen to anything that I wanna say at all. Most of the time he blames me for everything, sometimes I feel like he's really a "crazy nuts angry person" and sometimes I feel like he's a jealous person too coz everytime I mention a guy that I know or talked to at work and for some reason I get the ugly immature comment from him, which to me it's so unfair coz he talked about women from his work and I never say anything bad. And I am starting to believe that he is crazy and for that reason I do know that 70% inside of me has already leaving him emotionally and hopefully physically if he will not change for the last time. And it makes me so confused coz when he's nice he always and kept saying I do really loves you but when he's mad he's just totally a different person, really mad and really angry. I came from a VERY VERY HAPPY Close catholic family. My husband on the other site, he wasn't happy at home even with his family. And I do believe that he's struggle with that and he put his frustration on me and our relationship which is NOT GOOD or fair to me. I love my husband but honestly I think I'm not in love with him anymore. Any advice that can help me make a decision for myself either to try and make the relationship better for the last time or leave for good. Any advice would be most appreciated.

Thank you.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi Eva, normally we can improve the relationship but not the other person. Realistically, it sounds like it is him who needs to improve before you even start working our your differences. Problem is however, change in attitude and especially behavior is extremely difficult without some serious effort. That is because we're so habitual and more than often our will power depletes much sooner than our habits are able to change. So really, if I were you I would share with him exactly the same what you've shared here and see where this takes you. Don't believe a single word about promises to act better, ask for action, that is "How are you going to change?" Is he going to take course, do yoga, meditate, work with a good therapist, do mental exercises…? He has to have a plan for change, if he doesn't then I wouldn't be hopeful and plan my life accordingly. Remember, he's suffering too so if you do decide to go separate ways, then take it easy and try to work through everything as kindly as you can.

Eva Halafihi 2 years ago

Thank you for replying. His refused to go to therapy when I asked him couple years ago and he gets mad when I ask him again, so I don't know if I should try again or just leave. I know I have issue too and I'm willing to go to therapist but I feel like why should I change myself if he's not willing to take the chance and try. But I will ask him one last time and see if we can compromise and try to save our relationship if not then I'm moving on.

Thank you again.


VetWife7 2 years ago

I understand deep, dark and chronic depression. I understand chronic, everyday, every minute pain. I understand being angry. What I do -not- understand is being angry all the time, letting that anger consume you and everything you do and venting that anger towards others constantly, day in and day out. Being an educated person, you should know this is not healthy and being in such a constant state of anger leaves little or no time for positive things to happen or to enjoy anything at all. I will not allow you to draw me into your anger. I will continue to try and be positive in spite of my depression and my pain. I will not wallow in hatred.

Thanks ya'll, just had to get that out.

Laura 2 years ago

Good grief - terrible article. 'If your man gets angry with you, ask what you might have done to cause it.' 'try and feed him more vegetables'.What?? Are you joking?? If your man gets irrationally angry with you regularly, and won't do anything to improve his behavior himself, then the best advice is to leave him to his sorry mood-swings and find someone more evolved!

tadasland profile image

tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA Author

Ha ha, I agree Laura, if all I wrote was about blindly admitting your guilt to shut him up and then cooking carrots that would be a terrible article. :-))

Eva, have you ever posed the question like this? I mean "We go to therapy or separate ways"? Keep using your drip approach. I read somewhere in it takes 7 times of asking for someone to reconsider their position. Just keep at it, adamantly and convincingly, that is what I would do. :-)

VetWife: good attitude if you have the energy in you to fight it like this all the time. Anger is an addiction, like any other state of mind. Its a chemical cocktail that someone may actually love to be drunk with. Just like alcoholics - they are sick, their lives are falling apart yet they drink, that is all they know.

elle_b 23 months ago

Wow it is great to read this article and so many comments from people who sound like they have been in similar situations to me. I might do the same and share my story with total strangers via the internet, haha. It is hard to find people in my life who I can talk to about these things.

I've been with my partner for over 7 years now. He moved cities to be with me and we now own a house together. We have talked about having children although that is on hold at the moment until his job situation is more stable. He has had a really difficult year, with redundancy, having trouble finding a new job, and now the new job isn't what he thought it would be. He has always been a kind and easygoing person, but also one who is prone to the occasional moodiness (as I am!) Initially he used to get grumpy at me at over fairly reasonable things; things I admitted to and apologised for and he would usually fume for a little bit and then get over it. I have really tried hard to change my behaviour and not do those things and I'm not perfect but have made progress.

However more recently it has changed a bit and it is happening more often, and over things that are seemingly more irrational. He still usually settles down fairly quickly, but the unpredictability of it, as well as the fact that he can occasionally be quite cruel when he is angry (e.g. calling me hurtful things), is hard to handle.

I completely understand that he has been having a really difficult time, and he is feeling stressed, unconfident in himself, and quite possibly depressed. I know that deep down it is often not me he is angry at or even anger which is really the main emotion. I have tried different approaches and ways of responding, including arguing back, avoiding him and using the silent treatment, trying to stay calm and make a joke of it, and always being as supportive and caring as I can and not doing the things that I know do irritate him. Now I just tend to say to him calmly something along the lines of "it's not nice for either of us when we get angry with each other, I'll give you some time to calm down" and then go away. It seems to work OK.

I guess the question in my mind is where do I draw the line. I love him and 90% of the time things are really good between us. His behaviour has certainly never reached the extremes of that of some of the men that have been described on here. I also understand that he may well be depressed, and that is a mental illness that might make people behave in ways they otherwise wouldn't. I would hope and expect that if I were going through something similar that he would support me.

At the same time though it has been a tough year for me too - this has affected both of us. And while I've been supporting him, that has been slightly one-sided. I've not felt I've really been able to ask for support from him or to talk too much about how this has all been affecting me because it is "his" problem and that would only add to his stress. And I haven't seen him take much ownership or responsibility for his behaviour or do much to try and change it. We have talked about the possibility that he is depressed but at this point he hasn't felt it has warranted going to get some help about it.

So partly I was just wanting to process all these thoughts. But if anyone happens to read this and wants to respond, I'd love to know what you think about how to approach things from here. (And PLEASE don't just say to leave him. Anyone who's been in this situation will probably know it is not that simple). I guess I feel like my options are maybe: 1) continue along with the current status quo, set limits around his behaviour and try and support him, and get support for myself (e.g. talk to friends/family), and hope that things will improve once the current stresses have improved; 2) give him a bit of an ultimatum - maybe that's a bit harsh, but let him know that for both of our happiness something needs to change and that he has a role to play in that; 3) end the relationship (I'm not at this point yet).

OK I'll stop there! So much more I could add, I'm sure anyone would relate that after 7+ years there is a lot of history and context there...

tadasland profile image

tadasland 23 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

elle, your self-analysis is a very sober one, there's really not much to add here, seriously :-) If your heart is telling you to stick with option one then do it; you really can't go wrong by cultivating patience and empathy. Sometimes problems persist for years but eventually things will change and you might find yourself in your husband's supporting arms years ahead when you need him most. If you asked me as a friend, I'd say it sounds your relationship turbulence is within the acceptable stress levels of any long term partnership :-)

SoulSearcher 23 months ago

It's really great to hear a guy's perspective. As women, we can think we know men, but men really do know other men and how they think. Thank you for this article and your willingness to be honest. I hope you read carefully the comments and stories from the women responding to you. As you can see, there is a desperate need on the part of us women to find some truth and answers to a problem that is so destructive to many families and homes.

I have been married to an angry man for nearly 25 years. He was angry before I met him, when I dated him, when I married him, and is still angry today. I had no idea until recent years that he is and was an angry person. Angry people are not always outwardly angry. For many years, my husband internalized his anger, which resulted in him being passive-aggressive, a master manipulator, overindulgent in porn, an adulterer, a compulsive liar, and the list goes on. Once he became a Christian and could no longer soothe his anger feelings with such sinful behaviors and I grew into a less controllable person, his anger manifested itself outward. Unlike many angry people, he was not raised in a volatile home. His parents only had one argument in front of him and they were good Christian people who loved and indulged their son with all of the good things in life. He has suffered no sexual abuse in his life, succeeds at everything he attempts professionally, is on solid financial ground, has very little responsibility, is healthy and naps and exercises daily, says he has no stress, and speaks highly of his wife and children. Things that never bothered him before, he now uses as excuses to be angry and as justification for his outbursts. He WANTS to be angry, which is why he explodes over nothing. When I don't allow him to take his anger out on me, he directs it towards the children. He has a NEED to be angry. For a long time his anger was one big mystery. That is until one day I looked at him and saw someone who was so unhappy. While I do think that some level of mental illness is also a factor, I believe the greatest source of his anger is unhappiness. The next great mystery to me is why is he so unhappy. Only he knows! I can tell anyone starting out on this journey that it's a hard life and only he can fix his problems. You cannot be on a level playing field with an angry man. His intentions are far different from yours. Many times, you will have no idea of when and how his anger is affecting you. And, if you continue in this dynamics long term, as I have, you stand a chance of looking in the mirror or a picture and not recognizing yourself one day. I wasted so much time thinking that if I could figure out the "WHY" then I could solve the problem. Not true. Only he can solve his problems. For the sake of self-preservation, I had to resign to the notion that I may never know why and that it doesn't really matter why. What matters is how I and my children are treated. The rest, he has to work out on his own.

Pragya 23 months ago

Stay calm. leave the room when he spits fire.

He will have no target to attack.

Lizzy 22 months ago

I have been with my husband for 8years married for 4 years and we have 3 children, I work and he looks after the kids. I don't know what to do anymore! I know I make loads of mistakes and I'm clumsy, forgetful(sometimes) and even make bad decisions. I pay for everything and always put him and the kids first. I know it's mostly my fault because I forget to do what he asks me to do( not on purpose at all), he shouts at me every day and then I just shout back and I have said some hurtful stuff but it's not me and I know it's wrong but I just get so angry now, years ago when he first started getting angry I just went along with it but now i just can't deal with it so I turn into a person with no emotion except sadness! He had started to shout at the children if they say little white lies or don't clean up after themselves, I have tried to help saying I don't mind staying at home and he can work but I just feel he can't be bothered, he won't even answer phone or phone to speak to organisations as in electric company, Virgin, housing all of that plus working I have to do and of course looking after the children when I'm not at work. I also have to ask him if I can go out which he does let me but is snappy before I go out and then if I'm late home he goes bonkers one time it got so heated I ended up in hospital with a broken arm it was my fault cause I got in his face and he pushed me I remember now never to do that as it makes him worse. He says I never remember anything, that I'm not going to change, that I don't show him enough affection but the truth is I keep questioning myself am I in love with him I certainly do love and care for him but I know that this is it my life. I even paid for a holiday and he constantly moaned and I did everything with the kids he was just so miserable the whole time! What gets to me the most is its everyday and 97% it starts literally the moment he wakes up, I want to go to work and come home to a clean house I used to get frustrated with it not being but now know better and just tidy when I can when he goes out in the evening. Just feel lost, alone and feel like I'm a completely different person to who I was, I have had 2 long term relationships and the first was a compulsive liar and cheated on me constantly and now I get shouted at everyday so when I do go out I completely let lose and may drink a bit too much but I feel completely free when I've had a drink I know drink does make it worse but at the time it's great! I love my children and I know I'm a good mum and they are happy but I doubt with them hearing him daily like this that it's not going to affect them. I know no one can give me answers or even tell me what to do but boy that felt good putting it out there. Thank you.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 22 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi Lizzy, glad you got that off your chest. As you see, organizing your thoughts in writing can give one a bit more clarity as to what one's dealing with. My humble observations would be the following: inverted family roles (little room to for you to be and feel like a woman and very little room for him to feel like a provider and head of the family). You're obviously overworked and overstressed, no wonder this has been extremely taxing on your relationship and spiritual health. When a lady takes too much of man's qualities and vice versa with your husband, there is bound to be friction that you describe. I realize this is the age we live in but as you see, it comes with a price. Before you try to rekindle your affection towards each other I would invite to re-start the conversation. Just talk to each other uninterrupted. Ask each other what is important to you both, where do you feel like you're failing and how you feel about it. Reconnect with that deeper sense of your purpose in life. Examine what keeps you in the rat race… what takes up most of your time, what eats into to your time together, what can you change for the better and so on. Surely all this shouting and fighting distanced you to two different continents; it is only natural for your hearts to get cold. Something is overloaded in your lives and only you two can sit down, focus and figure out what it is. Then follow up with small changes in your lifestyle, perhaps rearrange those duties a bit so you can feel like a lady again and he can feel like a man in the house. Much success to your family, hang in there as much as you can.

LanaR 22 months ago


I just wanted to say that this article was basically a gift from heaven, i got into a huge fight with my husband yesterday. He has big anger issues, the fight started with his parents wanting me to join them for a trip to their homeland (iraq) so he asked me to go with them at first i was willing to go, however when i found out it was during the same time as my exams and during my sisters visit for christmas from Canada. he got so angry at me for wanting to stay to see my sister (which he has a problem with) instead of going to join his family. i don't know what to do, but this article has definitely calmed me down a notch. i don't know how to deal with his anger especially that its related to my ONLY sibling. hope you can reply :)

tadasland profile image

tadasland 22 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi Lana, I'm sure what makes matters worse is the cultural context because most ladies living in the West would say - well, you have to do what you have to do. OK maybe a sister visit might now outweigh in his mind a visit to his parents but exams?! Come on, this shouldn't even be a point of discussion. If you paid money for studies and spend time studying how could you possibly skip the part that would bring it all to fruition?

Have you tried explaining to your husband how important it is for you to be there for the exams? Anyways, he's obviously upset and sad that you can't go, he just covers it up with anger. Just keep re-iterating, reasoning with him how important it is for you to be there for the exams and even spend time with your own family. Just keep repeating the same thing over and over, tell him you're sad you disappointed him but you can not skip your exams for both of yours sake. If he's not physically abusive, don't be afraid of his anger, it's a child's cry, I assure you it will pass.

Hanna 22 months ago

Nr 1, 2 and 5 most of the times.

Faith Ann 22 months ago

Dear Lizzy:

I must respectfully disssgree with Tadas; except that your husband probably does feel worthless not being a provider...but that is no excuse to yell at you like a Neanderthal. And its not your fault he pushed you and you broke your ARM..its his for pushing!, I do think its a good idea not to get near him when hes angry...but my dear, I'd recommend seeing a competent counselor -with him preferably, because it sounds like he's blaming you for every little thing and blaming is losing behavior.period. I also will note that I don't think he will listen to can you talk to someone.who acts like that?

My dear Lizzy deserve much better AND SO DO YOUR KIDS.

I recommend not rewarding the abusive yelling etc...and reward the good stuff.

Also find a trusted friend you can confide in to understand your situation better.

Save your money for an escape route.

Good luck, stay strong and positive!

Much love,

Faith Ann

Mrs. Adams 22 months ago

Thanks this really helped lighten me up. Your advice was really doable, and I just loved the dough roller joke at the end!! LOL Thanks! I was furious when I got here. Now I'm better.

slp 21 months ago

I've been with my husband for 9 years, married for 7. He went to afghanistan work the army in 08. He came back a changed man. He's always tense, angry, tries to control everything, lies, not emotional, selfish, and thoughtless, just to name a few. We've gotten into so many fights, he doesn't hit me, but he has broken things in the house. I have 2 girls, one is not his, she's from an ex, my other is his. I am unable to get a job. I've tried going to school, but i had to quit, because he wouldn't leave me alone to study. Nothing to him is ours, it's always his. He refers to things as "mine". I bring up how what he says and how he says things hurts me, but he yells and tries to make out how it is ok that he does that. I've had him go to a ptsd counselor, but now he refuses to go. All he says is "i know" and never makes another appointment.

I've developed a really bad heart palpitation. I've told him he needs to ease up on the anger, but he does not. I cry over everything now, I'm crying writing this, i cry over commercials, i cry driving. I am stuck. I have nothing and no where to go. I can't keep living like this though.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 21 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

This one is a toughie, like many other ones here because you have someone not willing to work on it. Actually, in your husband's defense - PTSD is very serious and therapy can be a one scary adventure. If one ends up with a lousy therapist, then things can get even worse. However, none of it should be an excuse so I'm with you 100%.

Due to daily stress in Afghanistan, he's brain has rewired to live in a constant state of alarm. You can say his awareness now resides in the primitive part of the brain and it needs to move back into the pre-frontal cortex, the part that allows more space in the mind to appraise situations without immediate threat and choose a more civil, empathic response.

For people who are not actively seeking change only some sort of epiphany can kick their butt into action. It might come naturally with time or can be manufactured (if you know what I mean) :-))

I realize crying is our default coping mechanism but rarely it changes anything. Your mental health should be your goal instead. I invite you to focus and actively seek support locally (if possible). Knowledge is power, seek it. If you practice a faith then pray - it works. Learn to meditate. Read an inspiring book. Make strong wishes to be stronger, to be wiser, to find the right people, and for the right things to happen. There are hundreds of ladies here that know exactly what it feels like to be in your shoes so don't feel alone.

Megan Crosby 21 months ago

I have dealt with an angry husband for 2 years now. I met him in 2013 at a friends house i was I was on a bad relationship with someone who was cheating on me so I started to see him..after seeing him for a few months I had to leave.... I had to drop off my child at a place I now regreat because I had to live out of my car because I had no where to go. I ended my relationship with the guy that was cheating on me and started to see who is now my husband. He took me in to stay with him because I had lost my car. Then the fighting and arguing with him almost on a daily basis he had a great job as a mechanic and I asked him to come work with me because it was more money and he said he wanted to quit his job anyway. I blame myself for all of that because now neither of us have one because we got laid off.... he is always saying I am bitching and complaining when I really am not and people who have known me longer has even told him that. But somehow we work through it. I love him with every breath I take but I cry myself to sleep almost every night and I hurt when he is always getting mad at me and moat of the time he is taking his bad day out on me he doesn't hit me but he does yell and say fuck you. I have tried explaining how I feel and that he is just an angry person and he gets mad at me I honestly have no clue what to do because if I was to leave it wouldn't just kill me but I would be on the streets because I have nowhere to go.... but I am just at my wits ends I am hurting so much and I've tries to talk to him I never yell at him or anything but he does it to me all the time... that is painful.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 21 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi Megan, from what you describe it sounds one element that would help you enjoy more quality in your relationship is better communication and cultivating more empathy towards each other. These are both skills you can acquire if you wish. You'd need a referee of some sort, a counselor (if you can afford or perhaps see if any would volunteer, given your current financial challenges ) who can act as an impartial observer. This happens to all couples who live in a closed loop, so to speak - their only point of reference for what's "fair" is their own individual appraisal which is often limited by their ego and intellectual aptitude. Once we increase our wisdom about the world of emotions and have a fair judge to point out our self-absorbed way of thinking our awareness "expands", and we are then able to cope with the difficulties in relationships. Much patience and success to you.

Faith Ann 21 months ago

Dear SLP & Megan:

I feel your pain...thank you for reaching out. That is a sign of emotional health & strength .

I recommend building a support system via a good counselor ( there are free services in many areas) to learn how to take care of yourself, how to better your life, what to tolerate and what not to....its a process so be gentle with yourself.

Nurture your friendships. Tell other trusted friends what's going on. They've most likely been there and can help. Even if Its just to listen.

Everything's a test ...focusing on our weak areas to strengthen them...view it that a challenge even.

Though you feel trapped, you are not- we are always moving in one direction or might be wedged in somewhere...but you can get out.

I'd also recommend reading books on healthy relationships and about your specific problems: Tadas is right on that point; knowledge IS power, and that will help you greatly with shaping your life.

Dr Steven Stosney is good, as is Lundy Bancroft & Patricia Evans (verbal abuse specialty). Pick one or more that spark your interest and trust your intuition.

Stay positive, so you csn take good care of yourself and your kids.

I'd also say don't reward your husbands by being around them when they are nasrty to you; just say "Stop It! I can't be around you when you treat he that way" in a calm even tone and leave...Go for a walk a drive to the park....

Stay positive Ladies! There IS light at the end of the tunnel....I promise you!

With love,

Faith Ann

A. 21 months ago

I answered other. My reaction is fear and protection. Protecting my son and getting my husband the hell away from us no matter how much angrier it makes him. My whole self goes into protection mode and I want him gone. He leaves, and it sucks, but I don't know what else to do.

Miss frustrated 20 months ago

Relationship of nine years and neither one of us seem to be confident in ourselves. We both have so many goals but it seems like they are leading us away from one another. I feel I am holding him back from doing things for himself. He gets angry very often. Not always "at" me but the things he does out of anger affect me and are frustrating situations. He has such good intentions in life but his anger gets the best. He is not controlling it. Once he shown me his "blow-ups" they never stopped after that. He got better for awhile but now it is everyday or several times a day. I feel like he is so focused on his wants, needs, and family that they supersede mine and the time I spend focused on them. I do not get time to do things on my own nor does he only because he refuses to get a licence. He has never had one and doesn't want to sign a contract with any private corporations. I also believe in living a "strings" free lifestyle but I think I have enabled him to depend on me too much. I would love some feedback!

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tadasland 20 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

I am not a big fan of the saying but it fits here - anger is a mask for unfulfilled desires. In this case, just as you describe, anger is only a symptom and the deeper issues are buried underneath of it. Desire has no limits and the more we please it them more it manifests and the more we disconnect to what matters in life. In short, there can not be harmony in the mind which is in disharmony with basic laws of the universe. The more we focus on I, ME, MINE the more adversity we face around us. When we focus more on YOU, THEY, THEM the more things fall into place and we find ourselves more relaxed. So the answer is simple - more balance, more time for each other, more nature, more spirituality, more charity and things will improve for you both, it would be impossible for them not to.

Miss Frustrated 20 months ago

Thank you for the feedback. It is not what I expected to hear, but that is is why I want to wrote in. I will be trying to turn these words to actions. Thank you again for your reply.

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tadasland 20 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Perhaps you'll agree, we can not solve problem with the same mind that created them. We try to look for solutions outside of ourselves - "If I just move this, rearrange that, take this spill..." but the solutions are inside. Its very easy to get caught up in the trap of modern life. If we're not careful with taking care of our mental health the next step is depression, anger and so on. It may seem like finding time for "balance" is a waste but the fact is if we don't do it then it all catches up with us eventually and we suffer greatly with poor health and relationships. Take good care of yourself and enjoy! ;-)

Jenn 20 months ago

Most days I am calm and let him say what he wants but lately I am over it. I feel like he is one of my kids. I have to "understand why he is mad" but he still blows up and cusses at me and my girls. He likes to use the word "stupid" and "you wanna be a dumbass then f*** it- go ahead I'm done" . Mind you it's over the smallest thing and my kids are 11 & 14. My kids are homeschooled and myndest is disabled. I work full time and he has been out since he has been sick. It's not right for him I say I'm sorry and then the next day he does it again. At this point he either shapes up or ships out. As much as I love him and I know he is a good person deep inside - he own insecurites does not give the ok to crap on us- no one has that right. Since I'm raising women; I looked up this article to see what else can I do- what am I lacking? Well I've done thaws techniques now for a few years. The last is for him to et professional help or leave....

Faith Ann 20 months ago

Dear Jenn:

You are so right! Don't put up with disrespect. If he goes to a counselor snd seeks help and changes, terrific.

Otherwise, life is too short to put up with that BS and your daughters will learn from your strength, not to tolerate bad behavior either.

You are on the right track! Noone has the right to treat you badly. They will though if you tolerate it.


Best of luck to you and your beautiful daughters!

With love,

Faith Ann

tadasland profile image

tadasland 20 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Jenn, I have to respectfully disagree with Faith Ann here. Running away is the easiest thing to do and that is always an option BUT only after everything else has been exhausted. I'm finishing up an e-book in which I explain in detail that once you try to deal with the situation externally, your next step is to deal with it internally. Everything we see, smell, touch, experience happens in our mind and it is our mind which colors whether the situation is miserable, neutral or wonderful. Many times once we change our inner views, our perceptions, our mindset, the outer circumstances change too. That is why I hardly ever advocate leaving any relationship without trying to address your inner environment. That is because if we never change inside we often end up bringing our problems to another relationship. One should always leave if there is physical abuse, but I think that is obvious to everyone here already. However, if there is anger, bickering and conflict - this is a great opportunity to grow and develop, I really believe that.

tony mcnaughton profile image

tony mcnaughton 19 months ago

What a fabulous article and positive focus on such a hidden, shame shrouded topic. I was taken-in by the constructive flow of thoughts it provided with regards to optional view points. It was interesting to note that you centered in on "anger as a habit" , rather than intentional response. I have often displayed anger in this addictive way , never really giving it any thought or programmed direction. It shames me. It belittles me. It confines me. It disables me. It isolates me. It has never made or caused me to feel whole or complete. Often , I feel so empty. How can an addiction/habit like this survive in an individual's personal inner climate , that abhors it so ? You did a great job at addressing this "in your face" issue that drastically needs attention , for both genders struggling through this endless battle of self control. I've noticed from time to time that, I appear to carry an anger within , even when not provoked....everything from the news to societal/communal behaviors seem to set me's a rough environment to live and exist with/in. Regardless , I'm thankful for your terrific presentation and the positive perspective it gave....the growth from it all was a real pleasure......sincerely !

tadasland profile image

tadasland 19 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Thank you for kind words Tony. Your insights about your own inner life are admirable. Yes I know perfectly well that what follows anger is that inner void, a painful experience on all levels and if not careful with placing the blame into the correct direction, it may be followed by more anger.

If you sometimes feel anger "out of nowhere" I would invite you to examine what overwhelms you these days and go easy on all the sensual input, especially from TV or any nagging, bitter people around you. Get out to nature and nurture your soul a bit, allow the nervous system to rest and see if you can introduce more balance into your life. In short - we must take care of our mental health. You'll be alright.

Ann 19 months ago

So happy I found this page! I have felt alone for many years. Now I know I am not alone! For the most part I have a great husband that I have been married to for 16 years with 2 sons. He is a great provider and gives us the material things we need. He can be so loving, giving, caring but then there is the other side of him, the road rage, angry outbursts. If he misplaces something he goes off like a little kid blaming me or the kids. If one of the kids gets less than an "A" on their report card all hell breaks loose. I never know when the bomb is going to drop. He can go from 0 to 60 in seconds. I am always afraid when we are around people that he will blow up in front of everybody over some petty crap. It could be a perfect day and then come crashing down in a minute. It has affected my boys. When I pray with my 13 year old son at night before bed he always asks God to change his dad and to stop the out burts of anger. I breaks my heart to hear my son pray these things because it makes me feel like a failure as a mom to protect him from this treatment. I have wanted to leave many times to teach my husband a lesson and that maybe he would stop but I have no family or support and would have no where to go, plus he makes all the money so i wouldn't get to far with being on my own. I have been a stay at home mom for years and we decided i would stay at home and raise the kids because one of my sons had heath problems and it would be best if i was taking care of him instead of someone else. I am almost 50 and feel like I should of kept working a full time job instead of giving up my independence. I guess there is no solution. Yes I could leave and my life could turn into a bigger nightmare, I guess I don't got the balls to do it. I will say I am glad i am not alone and some women got it way worse than me. I just wish things didn't have to be this way.

Briana 19 months ago

I feel so alone. We've been together for six years and he gets angry over everything, and you never know when it it coming. Right now he is yelling at me because I didn't sound happy enough to hear from him when he called today. All I did was answer the phone! He gets mad at my kids easily but his kids can do no wrong. He calls me an idiot and fat all the time. He is an alcoholic and says he is going to change but never does. I'm so lost and tired. Sometimes he can be sweet but then acts like I owe him. He gets mad that I won't experiment sexually withhim but I don't feel comfortable with what he wants todo. I feel very weak and I hate it! Thank you for any assistance, and thank you so much for this page!

Faith Ann 19 months ago

Tony: what an insightful post. You obviously underdtand your behavior and what it does to you I hope you can change it thank you for writing in.

Dear Ann:

My heart breaks for you! I understand completely where you are as I've been there too. I have two boys and just recently separated from my husband of 25 years and this is the third timethat I've's so difficult to leave when you don't have your own income, but praying is very good. I would suggest going to a counselor with or without him and with the boys that will help you to understand what is going on and how best to deal with it. I also would suggest reading any books on the subjects I always recommend Lundy Bancroft why does it do that and Patricia Evans verbal, Dr Steven Stosney. These books will help you understand the behavior and how to cope with it it's not okay living like that and I don't know why so many men are angry like this, it's not healthy but at some point if you can talk to your husband good..but ifhe does not respect you and there's no self control as Tony mentioned your life is just going to be a nightmare so wouldn't give up. I would reach out to friends and family and even him when he's nice and see if you can get him to go to counseling. I'm 52 actually and it took me years to find a job its hard to find a job over 40 but you can do it, and then I found a roommate a place to live & my two boys are grown now; 18 and 22 years old and they are flourishing it's amazing and I'm so blessed because I told them this isn't how it's supposed to be and they knew that. They stuck up for me when their dad called me names and you know they'd say don't treat Mom that way, and I always was very close with them and did things with them and nurture them and listen to them. I did the best I could with them and we still talk and text everyday even though they are in separate parts of the country so I wish you the best.

Briana: I hear you be in a relationship is so young but a lot of things are recommended for and I would recommend for you as well stay strong girl friend you deserve to be treated with respect. And one deal breaker in a marriage is disrespect something we cannot tolerate because it just gets worse so my prayers and love are out to all of you.

PS I still miss my husband and miss the few times he was nice but he refuses to change and is still as mean as ever and that's another deal breaker- the one person in the entire world you should be able to count on to be nice to you is your spouse.

Love you all! Stay Strong!

Faith Ann

Faith Ann 19 months ago

I also want to say that I'm typing this on a Android phone so I apologize for the typos!

It's not easy to leave a relationship and its a last resort but at some point when its abusive behavior and the other person won't admit it or acknowledge it or try to get have to make a change. You don't want to live your life being a doormat ... you can't live that way! Its sad & I miss some of my old life terribly . I wish my husband would see the light but the chances that he'll change are ZERO right now because he won't admit he has A problem and its so sad you know because we did have some good times together. I just didn't realize the ramifications of the actions that he was showing early on. I didn't know where that was leading but I can tell you ladies and gentleman from experience that it just gets worse when its not addressed directly , and when you tolerate disrespect that's what you'll keep getting more of! I didn't realize that's what I was doing.

I need to have compassion for myself- as much as I've had for him...which was snd still is a LOT. I still try to help my ex but he's not reciprocating in any manner & he's lashing out still and he's being hostile to me. Its so unfortunate. I just hope and pray that he will grow regardless... and that we could be friends but right now it's just so sad. But its the right thing to do for me if i intend to have a good quality of life & I CERTAINLY DO!

I want you ladies (& gents) to realize that you don't deserve to be treated badly. You know some people just need to learn how to control themselves and their anger without lashing out at their spouses - that is not acceptable. So get some help for yourself -go to counseling yourself if he won't go, share your struggles with trusted people, nurture ypur friendships and your children. There are so many people out there that need help and are in the same position you're in and have gone on to build happy, peaceful, fulfilling lives. There is hope, there is help, keep searching and you will find what you need.

With love,

Faith Ann

tadasland profile image

tadasland 19 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Ann, Briana, I too have to say that the best you can do for yourself is find ways to lead an empowered life again. When you see you are weak and you hate it that is the real source of your suffering. My mom received quite a bit of abuse from my father too but she always amazed me how she found the strength to move on and do what she wants in life instead of focus on her predicament. She went to support groups, read books, met up with friends and they did stuff together. When I asked her she just said "You just have to get this stuff out of your head that some angry dude can dictate how you feel inside."

I would not run until you dig deeper into your husband's anger. I respect Faith Ann with all my heart and agree with her on many things but it surprises me to hear that having read all those books she says "I don't know why so many men are angry like this." This is not a mystery, there are answers why people are angry and why we suffer. Once you find the answers all becomes clear and the path ahead becomes self-evident. Come back here in a couple of months and I should have an e-book ready that will answer most of your questions (but only if you are ready for it). Meanwhile, hang in there, find some ways to empower yourself, and draw clear boundaries when it comes to physical abuse or unwanted sexual "favors".

Faith Ann 19 months ago

Hi Tadas:

I suppose a better way of saying " I don't know why so many men are so angry like this" is that it still confounds me that there are so many angry ones out there that haven't found a healthy way to express it- I could be angry but I'm not, & that behavior is so foreign to me. I'm still struggling with that one. Sorry Tadas I don't know everything!

I also don't know why there are so many bad relationships and why there is a lot of unwanted behavior going on. I just wish more people treated their spouses better. The growing spotlight on domestic violence certainly helps. And not tolerating bad behavior is vital & part of our personal responsibility.

So there you have it....we are always learning!


Faith Ann

Briana 19 months ago

Thank you both for your comments. I really appreciate it. I wish I understood why so many of us have such a difficult time with angry men/women. I know that I have a very hard time setting boundaries - i feel like he plows right through them every time!

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tadasland 19 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi Faith Ann, I too do not know everything. The concepts that were helpful to me was to dig deeper into human condition, the nature of suffering itself. Therein lies many good answers. As far as why there so many bad relationships... relationships involve two people and all depends on the qualities of these people. When people improve the relationship improves. The challenge however is having them both want to improve, isn't it? :-)

Briana: You have to put some border guards with vicious dogs on those boundaries and write a warning "Do not cross or I'll...." Then enforce. :-)

Cristal 19 months ago

the character 'dementor' from harry potter is the best way i can describe my angry husband. Whenever he gets into a fit (which takes very little effort) and over the most nonsensical of things he just sucks all the happiness out of you, makes you feel frustrated and helpless. Funny thing is, I asked him if he is conscious that he reacts very disproportionately to the situation and he acknowledges that he does and that somehow he just couldn't help how he reacts despite knowing that he's not behaving normally. Like almost everyone here, his anger stems from his low self esteem that resulted from an abusive father. He had witnessed how badly his father treated his mom, and how that abuse drove his mom to have a child from another man which finally separates his parents for good. He loves and hates his mom at the same time and sometimes when his crazy angry i feel as though he feels the same way about me. He is not open to the idea of therapy and is very critical to a lot of things but he does acknowledge that he has a big issue and how it's affecting our family. He doesn't hurt me physically as I was very clear even before we were married that if he ever cross the line and he lay one finger on me just once then that's it. He knows I will stand by this even if it kills me. Moreover I believe that this will be the final proof that he has turned into his father, the one thing he swore he will never turn out to be, so there is control there. I wish i can say the same for his anger issue. It just drains me, this endless cycle. It feels as though their view of the world is always them at the center of it all and everyone needs to adjust for them. It's as though I have no right to be weak and dependent for a day. I have to be the strong person all the time and it's sooo tiring. I talk about it to my closest friends and sister but at the end of the day the problem still remains and it makes me sad. I'm at the point that I just walk away when he rants. While it proves to be effective most of the time, I enjoy talking without getting into fights, you know, normal conversation. Things I used to enjoy doing with him. Leaving is not an option as I do love him and the family we made together, and the situation as I know you would say is not as horrible as most of the stories here and I should count myself lucky. It's just that I fear i would wake up one day and be like him, I already can feel it happening. You start out being afraid then sad and then angry and the cycle goes on.

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tadasland 19 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Exactly, it is a cycle. Look, he acknowledges he has little control over his temper, maybe he'll consider coaching. As long as people are reasonable and are willing to work at it then change is possible. Perhaps he's not at the breaking point yet, perhaps no one has truly challenged him yet, perhaps he is not aware he can change his qualities. Anger is only a symptom, you yourself see that he could benefit from working out some of those issues that are fueling his destructive behavior. The help is out there. See if you can nudge him...

Kransky 18 months ago

I have been married for 9 years and for most of it my husband has had anger issues. I'm so over it and wanting to leave him but my kids love him, and when he's not yelling at them he is the most wonderful loving father.. Be so much easier if he wasn't... Lately he has been so much worse yelling at the most trivial thing. And then when he drinks he becomes verbally abusive and says very nasty things to me. It's like a flick switches, I see it in his face he looks at me like he hates me. I am not an argumentive person and try to smooth every thing over but sometimes I feel that I am being weak doing this and not standing up for myself. It's like walking on egg shells in our house, scared he will get upset and angry over anything that doesn't agree with him. I feel he is a narcicist. I think about leaving then I think about those husbands who kill their kids to get back at their ex wives and it makes me change my mind... I shouldn't have to feel like this. I am a very confident independent woman but I can't be like this with him, more so cause I don't want my kids to suffer. Am feeling trapped.. When he is not angry he is lovely, but that is rare these days.. Wish he would go back to the guy I fell in love with... He says he gets angry cause he's frustrated that I won't have sex with him, but seriously I couldn't think of anything worse when he's being so angry and aggressive, it turns me off. It's a vicious circle..... Anyway it does make me feel that little better knowing I'm not the only one feeling like this.

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tadasland 18 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

You're not the only one for sure. There will come a day when something will change for you. Things will get better but for now I hope you consider some of the advice that was shared here and hang in there.

Faith Ann 18 months ago

Desr Kransky:

Your situation is so common unfortunately. My heart breaks for you and your family.

You are right to be concerned, as this is a troubling problem you're experiencing. Have you tried counseling? Either alone or with him? Have you tried al-anon? I would recommend Al-anon (companion to AA) as it will teach you how to deal with people who drink and you will meet like minded souls there who have been & are going through the same things you are. It will teach you how to cope with this in a healthy way.

I suggest that you learn all you can about what you're facing. It's toxic. And you're right to bring it up and to search out for answers.

I've been commenting on this site for a long time and TADAS and I usually agree;however on this one I think his answer was a little bit vague that "things will get better" in time by themselves. Thats a bit naive. I don't think it'll get better. Not without you getting self knowledge of what you're dealing with. In fact, in my experience and the data shows this- his behavior will only get worse. It's hard to hear that but it's really important to face the truth. My husband ( we are separated over his behavior that he has yet to acknowledge) reads my posts here and rather than take all of your concerns as valid; he makes fun of them and of the books I read ; instead of being supportive and perhaps even being humble enough to read them himself- to see what I value that would be a heck of a man and a good start to being a kind and worthwhile partner in life. Something I try to do everyday of my life. Not always succesful but I give it everyhing I have to give.

I myself am in counseling and I did pose a question here as to why so many men are like this? And I did get an interesting answer/ response from my counselor and it was that society condones it. Case in point: I don't know if you're in the US but the Grammys recently had a domestic violence survivor Brooke Axtell showcased, & she gave an amazing speach about her journey and there was an address from the president even ( no matter what your political leanings that was important) yet on the same show they gave an award to Chris Brown whose aconvicted abuser of Rihanna - he beat her up and there was another convicted abuser guy on the show who received an award, so its unfortunate that our society and those around the world still condone violence against women. So case in point- learn reach out to the groups I mentioned, to trusted friends, women and men (women can be abusive too) and nurture yourself and your children. Try to talk to your husband if you can at all when he's sober or when he's in a good mood. If he is an alcoholic, that behavior will definitely get worse. Its not likely to get better without there being a catalyst for him to change.

I wish the best for you, your pain and concerns are real and should be taken seriously - stay strong, find like-minded souls and you will slowly be able to build a better life. Maybe he'll change & maybe he'll realize his behavior is harmful, but you need to recognize what you're up against. And if you ever feel you or your children are in physical danger, heed the warning. Stay calm & strong yourself!

Good luck.

With much love,

Faith Ann

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tadasland 18 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

I agree my response was a bit vague. That was because we covered lots of ground in the page and comments here. Faith Ann, I also have to admit (since you admit yourself that your husband reads your posts) that this has become a bit of a platform for you to communicate your feelings to him. Which is OK by me but do realize you're so much better off doing this face to face and not erecting any walls between the two of you. All I am saying is "this too shall pass" to those who seek solutions. Nothing will change for those who will ceaselessly seek to explain their predicaments. Life is such. :-)

Tanya44 17 months ago

Hi, I have been seeing a guy for about 6 months (not long at all) initially he was very lovely and thoughtful, but then I was present when he spoke in an angry stern way to his 15 year old daughter making her cry in front of me. He told me he can be angry in life but seemed happy when he met me, stating that I make him happy - but now (already) he talks to me as he did towards his daughter - like I was nothing!! going on and on at me even making me cry in a diner! He doesn't shout he just has a loud strong voice and snaps orders out and sentences that make me feel as though I hadn't done something I should have ..... not that I know what that should have been! I feel like I am on egg shells all of the time and told him twice now that his tone and ways are upsetting me and that I don't want him talking to me like this anymore - he has now pushed me away from him. One day he is lovely and the next he snaps at me. if he is like this after just 6 months I fear what he would be like in another 6 months!! I feel bad reading the above comments because I may not have tried hard enough to support him, I feel lost with him at the moment as he's made me cry 3 times now.

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tadasland 17 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi Tanya, I hear you... it's not easy to see all character flaws in a person you like and love. Some of them come out later down the road. It is a bit like the saying "If you really want to know how your friend, go on a long trip together." That is because on a long you are together 24/7 and in various situations so inevitably you learn very quickly about likes, dislikes, patience levels, tolerance and so on. Now when you're in love with each other it makes things even worse. I mean seeing clearly as to who the person is and how they really are when they are overflowing with hormones and happiness is very difficult. That is because all the character flaws are masked for a while. With time, couples settle into a daily routine, relax in each other's company, start sharing a toothbrush and sooner or later all character colors unfold in all of their glory. It may seem like your partner has changed but the fact is he/she have always been like this. At that point only one thing is left to do - deciding whether you're willing to walk on those eggshells in order to enjoy X, Y, Z with him. In more simple terms, if the positives outweigh the negatives then one is only left to make peace, adjust and be an example of better functioning. If the negatives are too much to bear then the course is clear as well. As some of the ladies have already suggested here - if you go to bed with an angry dude then don't get pregnant! :-)

Amy 17 months ago

I'm sorry. I know you are trying to help. But I don't agree. If a person is angry all the time, they have a mental problem as we all have reason to be angry, but normal people choice not to be Angry all the time.

Am I doing something to cause it? Yes, I am as he blames me everytime he goes off the deep end for any trivial matter.

He accuses me of something, and if I defend myself, I get the "the hand." The crime, I did not accept his judgement. Yes, his anger is my fault because I'm still with him. That will change soon.

--Feed-up with putting-up

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tadasland 17 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi Amy, sorry I didn't follow, which part you didn't agree with? I do agree with you, however, that reasonable people would not want to be angry all the time. Ii general the action is clear - if you're not willing to put up with that chronic anger then you leave and find a new life. However, read the comments of some of the ladies here - they have no choice to leave. This is when my advice, I believe, becomes somewhat useful.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 17 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Have you tried smacking him with the dough roller then? :-) Nicole, when you are fighting a wall then the only solution is to stop fighting it. Let him have his arguments, let him talk his talk, all you have to do now is work on your inner world so that all that crap thrown at you slides off like from some teflon skin.

Ah13488 16 months ago

I have read, re-read and re-read again your post.

I met my husband in middle school. 21 years later here I am writing to a stranger on a blog seeking advice.

My husband has always been quick to react over petty things, but never towards me or the kids. Now over the past 4 years it has turned to me and the kids. 4 kids ranging from 15-9 . If the kids or I forget to do something it is instantly like we cut off his right leg. They fight like normal siblings and all of the sudden he freaks out like they murdered someone. Kids want to hangout at a friends house and he gets mad ...

I get off work late, for get to buy something at the grocery store...... I get screamed at .

This is not the man I married, this is not the man I fell in love with . I do not know who he is becoming, but I do not like it.

I praise him for how hard he works to support/provide for our family, i tell him I love him multiple times a day, I do things for him just because I love and adore him.

I have now gotten to the point though I will fight back at his dirty level cause I can no longer take it. This is not who I am , nor how I was raised. This is not what I want my children to see.

We tried Counseling together, he thought the guy was out to get him after 2 sessions, so he quit.

He went to a gal on his own, she referred him to a behaviorist cause his anger is so much, he determined that she was a waste of time and quit after 4 sessions. He tried meds, two different types, decided he was fine and quit both cold turkey and well that went bad.

I don't know how to support and encourage a man I am beginning to hate.

I know this is a ramble, I am sorry, this is my frustration flowing out.

Bottom line question, how do you support a man that is unwilling to help himself control his anger?

tadasland profile image

tadasland 16 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

I think the bottom line is that you can't. When you say - support- you must mean -change- him so that he's not angry but you can't do that either. Only he can. So the question becomes what can you do to convince him that he - does- need that help and this is where it becomes a better defined objective. Obviously, I can not tell you -how- because I do not know enough about him. Only you can tell what motivates him and makes him tick. It is very likely, however, that it is not -you- who's actually making him angry. You are only a target of his anger. Now the question becomes what are the main stressors in his life? What overwhelms him? What makes him nervous? Is it the pressure at work? Is it health? He may need more time off, he may need to learn how to relax better, he may need to balance his life. All of those things will reduce his irritability and none of those things have to do with attacking his anger directly. Remember, anger is only a symptom. Now you have to figure out what it is a symptom of. Much patience and courage to you.

CherryBlossom25 profile image

CherryBlossom25 16 months ago from California, USA

Hi. Your article was useful. I've been married for 10 months now. My husband is a loving and kind person.--Doesn't abuse me--Is helpful around the house. However there were certain scenarios where he gets offended too easily. According to him if he yells at me or blames me for something that I had done, he dislikes me talking back to him. He just wants me to listen to whatever he says and that I shouldn't make a big deal about it. But on the other hand, when am trying to TELL him (not even YELL), that he is doing something that I dislike, he acts as if am being disrespectful towards him and it's like as if I should never say anything to him..period. In short, he dislikes me advising him or questioning him about anything. We have a cat Simba, and whenever Simba gets into mischief, my husband sprays water on him to let him know he's doing something bad. I am a person who usually cannot think of punishing an animal, because an animal really doesn't know what it's doing. And it doesn't always remember the rules around the house. So one day when my husband sprayed water on Simba, I went over to him and explained to him that he cannot keep treating our cat like that. It's good to discipline a pet but at the same time it's also not necessary to punish them always. So that was it....he got very provoked and started to say things like "Oh yes, I know your cat is very important to you than your husband. Don't serve me dinner. Go give all this chicken and whatever you made to the cat." So he went to bed without having dinner and the next day he also left for work without saying a single word to me. There have been many scenarios like these, not always about Simba, but my husband does assume a lot of things about me that are not true. And he keeps ignoring and avoids talking to me for days and days till I go apologize (no matter on whose side the fault is). So it's beginning to worry me, that if he behaves so childishly towards me now, how on earth would I manage him when we start having kids. There's a saying "It sucks when the only person who can make you feel better is also the reason why you always cry."

tadasland profile image

tadasland 16 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Very true about that last quote. That is why I would never have my wife as the only person who can make me feel better - would hate to be the slave of her moodiness :-) If your husband ever works to develop his potential he'll be a fine man. If he lets life run on autopilot he might grow even more insecure and neurotic. I had a cat Simba too, he was all white and deaf, just like we, men, tend to be when lost in our pride :-)

Rikki 16 months ago

Hi. I can't find a large enough rock to crawl under. My husband and I have been married for 4 years but together over 10. We have a 2 sons, 2 and 2 months. His temper is nothing new but had progressively become worse. My biggest frustration is he won't communicate with me. Basic conversation with him is answered with "yes, no, fine, I don't know" and it feels one direction. Decisions are made by him that are a surprise to me that leave me upset that I wasn't involved or didn't have a clue. Just recently, we had a group argument with his parents over my FIL constantly feeding my 2yo son junk food before dinner/meals (my husbands negative reinforcement attitude then takes it out on my son) then leading my normally calm FIL to lose control, screaming in Cantonese (which I don't speak), throwing every item from my kitchen island, and launching my trash can across the room. My husband restrained him to control the situation, then they left after he calmed and haven't returned. Not only will he not discuss the situation with me but he won't communicate with me about what we should do if they decide not to return (I'm on maternity leave for 3 more weeks and they babysit while I'm at work). I simply asked him his thoughts last night with return of explosive anger, hands thrown up in the air, slammed loudly on our leather couch, and labeled a nag as he stormed up stairs screaming profanity. All of this in front of our toddler son. I sat there confused, hurt, and embarrassed for 10 minutes until taking my toddler to bed and then going to bed myself. Normal routine is to wake up and pretend it never happened but I'm honestly tired of feeling disrespected. For someone who has a husband who refuses to communicate and considers counseling "for the weak-minded", what do you suggest I try to get through to him that our marriage is in shambles and needs work?

(Side note, I am by no means perfect and without fault but have tried to consider my flaws and set them aside and be considerate, ie give space, be intimate when I don't have desire, keep tidy around the house and get rid of the clutter that drives him nuts, try to avoid sarcasm/becoming rude when I'm frustrated, etc).

faith ann 16 months ago

Dear Rikki:

By all means go to counseling yourself. You are correct in thst your relationship needs work because there really is no relationship there... there's no understanding and respect and communication and you're right to want that and point that out. Your father in law sounds difficult to say the least- throwing things and throwing trash across the room that's not right and so you have to look at your husband growing up with the father... that's what he learned a man should act like, which of course is not how a man should act. Having said that, keep your job so you have your own means of support & go to counseling yourself. It WILL help. Find someone you can trust even if it's not the first counselor... Whoever feeks riht will help you sort through things and make adjystments in your lufe. Keep going even if your husband starts to make fun of you or whatever- he may come around you never know but you're right in reaching out ... that you need help. These things only tend to get worse over time when left alone so I wish you the best of luck making a good home for your two children to grow up in. Good for you for trying! You will succeed so stay strong, find mutual support with your friends, your pastor your parents and counselor, etc.

Good luck to you my dear.. all the best!

Faith Ann

tadasland profile image

tadasland 15 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Rikki, in most situations like yours I have more questions than answers. I could give some advice based solely on what you described but I'm afraid it would miss the mark. I agree with Faith Ann, see if you can find someone who can ask you more questions and help you see the widest possible perspective. Only then you can find solutions to your challenges.

Robin 15 months ago

Hi, so I've been dealing with angry an husband for 20+ years, kids are older now and are starting to chime in when dad gets angry, an example, my husband works 24 hour shift as a lieutenant on fire dept. He came in this morning and I woke to yelling and swearing. Apparently he had been calling the home repeatedly without an answer. It was 10 am, he thought we were all dead! In fact we were up late, my 3 boys are teen and they had friends staying over and it was one of those rare nights that everyone was wide awake so we got to bed around 2 am.

So when hubby got home and realized we were all safe he unleashed a barrage of swears and anger that we were sleeping. My oldest son tried to tell him he was out of line , my husband told him to stay out of it. There were friends upstairs sleeping, so I just stayed in bed and shut my mouth other than to yell down that there were friends in the house. I can't tell you how angry I am at his anger. I'm sick and tired of it. I've played the quiet soothing wife for a long time, now I want changes. This isn't good for my boys and I've been confronting him on his behavior, particularly for there sake. Sometimes I wait til after the anger and other time I just can't help myself and I throw it right back at him...that's when it gets ugly. he always apologies and when I don't get angry back he'll thank me. I've asked him to seek counseling, actually insisted, gave him a phone number of someone he knows and respects but he has yet to pick up the phone and call. He has gone to his second job which he hates, but is necessary at the moment. He has lost his only sister to cancer recently and a younger brother to suicide. We cared for his dying father in our home and visit his mother who has dementia in a nursing home. So as you can see, he has suffered much, I have tried to be supportive and I have become his only support. This I have always been able to handle, but recently it is wearing in on me. Which he considers a real flaw because I'm buckling under the pressure. I want to do the right thing for my boys, I'm worried that they will pick up his behaviors. Thoughts?

tadasland profile image

tadasland 15 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi Robin, sounds like you are quite aware that you are both suffering from the pressures of life. If he works that much and especially the job he hates there is no wonder he comes home emotionally and physically exhausted. That is obviously the source of his short fuse and that is the price you're all paying for the "necessary" job. So it is simple - just ask yourself whether the benefits of the necessary job outweigh the negativity and health issues that it creates. If -yes- then you know what to do - be there for him and take care of your own mental health to increase your stamina, if -no- then have a heart to heart and choose an option that has less of something and more of something else that brings more balance. Tough problems many times require tough choices. Be well.

becca 14 months ago

Honestly, I usually tell him (I.e. scream over his screaming) that he is acting like a 5 year old and that he can stay in his room until he's ready to talk to me respectfully like a civilized adult. And then I walk away and refuse to say another word to him until he has calmed down and "makes the walk of shame" to come apologize.

I'm not the nicest wife... But seriously, it's been 10 years and his outbursts are having a seriously negative impact on our 3 kids. Im just tired of it, and he is a grown man.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 14 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Hi Becca, you're lucky you can do this and get away with it with your husband. :-) Most ladies here will only envy your position. Of course it doesn't solve anything and it is a bit like trying to keep a beach ball under the water but at least you're managing things this way, rather than keeping it all inside. Next step - talking and digging deeper as to what could be causing him these outbursts. There is a source and he's not aware of it. The weather forecast is "cloudy with anger" :-))) When things are quiet and trust is good then dive deeper into his world by asking open ended, powerful questions and see whether both of you can see patterns and points of frustration - then address them in a calm manner. This could help. Good luck and much patience.

Rachel 14 months ago

I usually try to walk away and ask that he leave me alone when he's angry, but he will just follow me around the house and won't stop trying to engage me. It makes me crazy, and that's usually when I lose my temper back at him. Any tips to get him to actually GO AWAY?

Faith Ann 14 months ago

Dear Rachel:

He needs to learn some self control! His following you around the house, & not giving you space would make anyone crazy! Counseling my girlfriend! If you are not going now, find someone you trust (friends & family included) even if you have to go through a few to find the RIGHT one!

Stay strong & positive!

Best of luck,

Faith Ann

tadasland profile image

tadasland 14 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Isn't this what kids do also? They walk behind us and cry and cry till we pay attention to them. In this scenario all your man wants is attention, he wants to be heard. Is it a good way to seek that attention? I think we all know the answer to that, however the question still remains - what is it that he wants by following you around all hot and bothered. Getting away works but only if you can get away like leaving the house for a while, etc. If you just walk away to another room that can escalate things even more. I know this can be the most difficult thing to do but the fastest way to resolve a conflict is to keep composure and just listen. There will be days (as I'm sure already had been) when you need him to listen to you. The only meaningful thing to do in any situation is to flex the kindness and compassion muscle, any other response can be feeding the ego any more. Much patience to you.

Dana 14 months ago

I understand that us women are taught from a very young age that men are like grown size children, but articles like this perpetuate emotional abuse. all these comments make me very sad.

women, please, please, please never let a man treat you like a verbal punching bag.

yes, all of their anger stems from issues inside, issues that you cannot fix for them, if you are able to, respect yourself enough to let that person go, i know it is hard because you are in love and don't want to "give up"... but sometimes you are not "giving up" you are just saying, "i don't have to take this anymore."

Be honest and clear about why you are leaving, "your anger is too much for me to handle". if you have children seek the help of friends or family- they will be supportive and understanding.

i am sure you wrote this article in a well meaning way... but it is not helpful to women, at all... except for giving them hope that their anger husbands might change by pure chance or magic... change takes time, it takes knowledge that something needs to be changed, and it takes a willing participant; that all needs to come from the man's side.

Faith Ann 14 months ago



I could not agree with you more.

All the best,

Faith Ann

tadasland profile image

tadasland 14 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Dana, with all due respect, you might not have read all the comments before you rendered your judgement and advice. There are many options women have in between being a "punching bag" and leaving him altogether. This rather extreme view is what causes much suffering in the first place and it is very different from the angry person's position of "my way or the high way." Also, many of the ladies here said it very clearly leaving is not an option which leaves them with only one option - managing what they have with whatever is available right now, right here.

holly 14 months ago

wow.. this article is important. i have been with my husband for 15 years now and his anger is a huge issue. we separated for a bit because he is abusive. things trigger him when it is least expected and when he is calm he says for me to listen, not get defensive, and make him feel heard. this morning he started in again about how i don't treat him how i treat other men(another issue being accused of seeking attention from other men all the time) and i sat and listened and tried to communicate with him about it for almost an hour. However he kept going with it and nothing i said was right. he even said i should ask him how i am doing on things- when i reminded him i asked him about it just the day before, he then changed it to why didn't i do anything different yesterday then?

it is really hard trying to figure out what to say and do when these actions arise- he is never the one at blame and it always comes back to pointing out what i do wrong in our relationship. I try to point out things i have been doing that are different and how i tried playing with him, but always come back that i am just defending and he can never share how he feels. I don't know how best to respond to him!

any advice would be amazing!!

tadasland profile image

tadasland 14 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Holly, at this point it sounds like nothing you say will help because its a ping pong match. What the situation calls for is a third party, someone neutral and wise, someone with authority. That could be a counselor, priest, lama, guru, anyone who can put a mirror in front of you two and help you see things from a different perspective, in a different light. Seriously, without some sort of external intervention things might not change for the better any time soon. Hope you find someone and hope he agrees to participate. Meanwhile, much patience to you.

Faith Ann 13 months ago

Hi Holly:

I agree with TADAS...find a good counselor that you can trust and feel comfortable with, hopefully he will go with you...of not, go yourself , and continue to. It will help clarify your situation, I promise.

You might also get a sign or picture and hang it in plain view that says:

"Be the change that you want to see in the world."


Hubby expects you to do everything and he's placing the responsibility for his happiness onto you...which only he can do. Hopefully h e'll get the message and listen to YOU and be all the things to you, that he wants you t o be to him.

Stay strong beautiful!

Seek (answers) and you shall find (them)!

Much love,

Faith Ann

Meghan Louise profile image

Meghan Louise 13 months ago

This was a good article. My husband is just always angry, we've only been married 5 months. I really need to know how to react to him better. I went to counseling by myself (he refused to go) but I don't have time for that anymore. I usually try to remain calm but the thing is he wants a reaction from me it seems. He just keeps going and going until I get mad or start crying its like being rational is not an option. He's mad and he wants me angry too. He will literally drag out a fight until he finds something to upset me with. I guess misery loves company. I don't know what to do. I clean the house, I work 60+ hours a week, I commute an hour and half each way to work every day and he's the angry one. All these other stresses I can handle- its tough but I can do it, I can't handle his attitude on top of it all. I just want to come home after a long day and enjoy my time with my husband- not fight,

tadasland profile image

tadasland 13 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

oh, we all hear you here Meghan Louise... Obviously, there's something else going on (or has gone) in his life that is prompting him to be acting this way. Nearly impossible to guess here though. Yes misery likes company and so does a big ego.

Crystal 13 months ago

Good article - does make me feel a little better. So all the article out there tells you how to let go and stay calm if your partner get angry. One thing I often wonder, what do you do after the fight. My husband is a control freak but he doesn't keep a constant tab on me and never tel ls me how to dress. He does constantly tell me to do things in his way without him knowing how controlling he could be. So we are out on a vacation and staying at a beach rental house. We had no internet here but he has two phones - one personal and one work with free data. Mine however has limited data as I chose it. So he gives me his work phone and tells me not to turn on my data and use his work phone with unlimited data instead. I took some pictures with my phones. Two of them really came out good so I wanted to put them up on facebook. Unfortunately the pics I had taken were on my phone. To post them on fb from my phone I needed to turn on cellular data so I said well let me turn on cellular data and send the pics to my husband's work phone post from there. I did realize that this could flip him up if he found out I turned on my cell data. I sent the photos and forgot to save on the phone and delete the text. He sees the pics and asks why I did that despite he clearly told me not to turn on data on my phone. I explained to him that the cycle was about to renew and I have no data usage at all. Sending 2 pics wouldn't eat up much data. He got more and more angry and also said I could have just uploaded from that phone instead. Long story short I stared at him when he got too loud and stayed staring until he was done screaming and calling me stupid. This could have been the end of it. But then my mother in law came who is also on the vacation with us and asked what happened. Did I not have his food ready. I said no it has nothing to do with his food. He has the habit of screaming all the time and that's what he is doing. I know had I stayed quiet longer this wouldn't have happened. But I blew up thinking now his mother has heard him screaming. Things got out of control. I went on and on and let my feelings out in a not at all healthy way. I told his mom that every vacation we go on he finds something to fight about. He didn't try to defend himself. But he did tell his parents how he has been tolerating me. I said he controlled his sisters and now he was trying to control me. He called me a dog said I was barking and didn't know how to stop. I said talking of manner look what he has learned how he was disrespectful to me. I walked away and cried. Came back when I calmed down. I have not talked to him since. I usually calm down and act normal. Even worse sometimes I tell him to let it go and not ruin our vacation. But this time as his parents saw everything I feel humiliated and didn't feel like interacting with him at all. It's been 3 days since I haven't said anything to him. He is somewhat acting normal. But I know he won't apologize for calling him a dog. What do you usually do after your fights? I am left vulnerable and I have no idea how he is feeling does he even care anymore. If this had happened at home he'd sit there wait for him to break the ice and if I didn't come for a week he'd come and hold me right one night perhaps come for sex who knows. We never talk about things afterwards. As there is no point he become the same agree man again. What is so devastating he that he sees all his faults in me. He says he sees no point in talking to me he tried since the day one but nothing gets to me. I am so shallow while he is so deep and I could never reach there. He things I try to complete with him. While all I am trying to do is impress and please him. I have never been a fighter I am a work differences out type of person. While he seems to love fights. I don't understand why he thinks I am the bitch one. And in fact he has also called me a bitch a few times. I have often thought about leaving him but the only reason I am still with him is because I love him and deep down I think he loves me too. He is a good father too but he is not a good husband I have often told him this too.

Faith Ann 13 months ago

Dear Crystal

He's not tolerating you, YOU are tolerating his unacceptable behavior. He's a control freak, & it's unreasonable for him to blow up over the data phone deal- unreasonableness is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. It ain't you, it's him.

I recommend counseling for both of you and you alone if he won't go, This will help you understand what's going on. He wants to put you down in order to control you to get you to do what he wants, when he wants. If he beats your self esteem down enough this will work.

This type of relationship does more harm than good.

Sounds like his mother tolerated his crap too. Asking "did you not have his food ready" as if that's an excuse for his boorish behavior - that's absurd.

Hey we all lose it sometimes...than the most evolved of us apologizes, which is a sign of maturity.

You are right, trust yourself, no man should EVER call his wife a bitch!

I feel your pain sister! I'm sorry to be so harsh, and it may take a long time and a LOT of hearing reactions like mine for you to understand completely - it did for me, or maybe you'll get it much quicker! :-)

Stay strong, seek help in books, counseling trusted friends, focus on making good decisions.

Otherwise, your future life and vacays will be much like this one...only they tend to get worse, that's the truth ( as I lived it).

Doesn't mean you should give up on the marriage straight away, but it DOES mean you need to take action to stop the bleeding and see if there can be some positive change - by HIM mostly - but by you as well, so that you can have a good life together and provide a stable foundation for your children.

You cannot be mother Theresa and tolerate his yelling while all he has to do is act like an a#*s!

Good luck! Stay Smart! Focus on making good decisions! You CAN make positive changes girlfriend, whether you stay or not!

Love you!

Faith Ann

Crystal 13 months ago

Thank you Faith Ann for your kind words. I really need it. We ended up leaving each other. We had a big fight and we both gave up on each other. We both said it is over. He drove me to my parents house getting out of the car was the hardest thing I had to do and I thought I couldn't leave him. I also said to him that I might not be able to leave lets go back home. But he said to get out the car. So I did. I wish I was stronger than this but sadly I am not. I am still working with staying strong and not going back to him despite he asked to get out. I wish I could somehow stop hoping for him to return to take us back home. Anyway my parents and bothers are being so supportive. And they won't let me lose my self esteem. I don't think he will come back to ask us back home as he has the highest self esteem he will choice his ego over the kids and his wife. But if he does I will only go back if he agrees to get help.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 13 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Oooh he sounds a bit like a drama queen, no? :-) You didn't leave each other Crystal. He's just trying to act like a big boy and show how "independent" he can be. In fact, he's probably biting his nails now or trying to drown the pain with a bottle of whiskey or something. No man with any tiny sense of conscience can feel good about himself after what he did today. Now if he really has a huge ego then he'll get even angrier now and start harrasing you for "braking up the family," but more likely he'll come to his senses and come back with some sort of gesture like "ok, fine its fine for you to come back now." But I think you're right - talk to him and draw your boundaries at that point. You'll probably win this standof because you have the kids with you. Will he change? Not if he doesn't work on it… "trying" won't cut it, he needs to have an action plan and accountability. Hang in there.

stillhere 13 months ago

I freeze and just take the abuse. For survival.

tadasland profile image

tadasland 13 months ago from San Jose, CA Author

Crystal, you have a warm and good man, inside his heart he loves you and the family more than anything. It's our unruly emotions, fueled by egos that cause us to act like fools. At night his defences relax, melatonin kicks in and he's in his more natural state emotionally… come daylight - the mask is back on to keep up appearances. After all, "we don't like to look all soft and lovey dove", that would mean that all that previous drama was for nothing. :-))) Glad it is working out for you. You made some couragous moves.

Crystal 13 months ago

Thank you tadasland !!!! It's been over a week and he has not lost temper at me or the kids. The only issue is that he barely talks or looks at me. I might just follow his lead or be normal I guess and somewhat distant too. I don't know. But I am so glad to see the changes in him.

Faith Ann 13 months ago

Hi Crystal:

It's normal to feel sad when you want your husband to treat you like a queen - like you deserve- and he doesn't. It's normal to mourn the loss of a relationship. Having said that, I'm glad you have a supportive family.

I agree with TADAS , set some boundaries and stick to them...whether you get back together or not.

Good luck, stay strong. I'm proud of you.

As when you set boundaries, you'll set the stage for having a chance at a good life, if he'll capitulate. You cannot have any kind of healthy union in which both partners don't listen to and respect each other.

You go girl!

With much love,

Faith Ann

Sarina 12 months ago

Just to give a little background, my husband and I met and hit it off pretty fast. I wouldn't say we had a lot in common other than partying with mutual friends in our spare time. He traveled so we didn't spend a lot of time together during the week. Six months later we were engaged, and two months after that I was pregnant. He had told me when we first got together that he was a former addict. I thought it was an honorable thing, one to tell me, but to get through something so tough in life too. I found out not much longer that he still was dabbling with pills. I basically freaked out and gave him an ultimatum in which he stopped (at least what I knew). Anyway, we planned on getting married that July; I miscarried in June. Part of me felt like it pulled us closer, but part of me felt like it was the opportunity to run. We had built a relationship based off of convenience, lies, and terrible communication. I have always felt like he was still in love with him ex girlfriend too. Not that he didn't love me, but their relationship ended on her terms; and it was no secret to everyone years later he still had feeling for her.

We married in July 2010 and continued with the honey moon phase. In February of 2011 I found out I was pregnant again. He always traveled so we basically kept our week lives separate and the time he was home on the weekends I did not want to spend fighting; so I always stayed quiet.

Here we are 5 years later. I'm 30 years old and I have two beautiful daughters. Life has just moved along.

My issue now is he is angry all of the time. We both have been stressed with work, purchasing a new home, and he is taking classes. Needless to say we’re stressed with a 4 year old and 2 year old. I have been paying two house payments because he will not fix up our rental to get it rented. I ask him to do something with it and he basically tells me I should get over to the other house and do the repairs; “my hands aren’t broke”. I have had to pay a few different contractors to get things fixed and painted because he just doesn’t feel like doing it. Money isn’t an issue for him because he doesn’t and will not have anything to do with paying bills. You’d think I talked bad about his mother anytime I bring up the “Budget” word. Apparently it’s ok for him to call me lazy for not feeling like spending every waking minute of my life picking up after him and my girls, and it’s not ok for me to have a glass of wine on weeknights because he doesn’t like to drink during the week (he can’t just have one beer- he has to get hammered).

Normally when we fight he gets mad, I attempt to talk, and he shuts down. So basically we’re strangers living under the same house for as long as he feels like ignoring the issue. I just feel like if it’s not important to him then, it’s not important. His schedule is the only one that matters (to him of course). I guess I am more of a go-with-the-flow type person so if my schedule gets mixed up it’s no big deal, but if one little thing changes for him or we are 5 minutes late, he flips out!

He is no longer an addict to drugs, but is addicted to running. I’m glad he has chosen a healthy life style, and am surprised that it doesn’t help with getting some of his energy out. I feel like it’s one more thing to compete with though. We both run competitively, but regardless of how well I do, he always has to justify how much faster he was, or longer he ran. I could care less. I’m proud of myself, but just feel like he cannot just be happy for me, or proud. He has to be superior!

His anger is constant and his fuse is so short these days. There have been two occasions recently where he has started in on his sarcasm and I have lashed back. I normally stay calm and pick my battles, but there have been two occasions lately where I have blown completely up! Last night I called him a Dick and said I was fed up. Like I said I normally do not handle him this way but I am so exhausted and tired of him thinking he can talk and treat me like this.

I do not think it is ok to threaten divorce on him and to call him names. I have been completely against this because it isn’t any different than how he has treated me for the past 3 years. I just feel like I’m so completely done, and when I can’t get through to him I want him to hurt the way he hurts me. I don’t want to be like this anymore.

I feel like there is nothing good to come out of this relationship; it’s toxic and ruined.

How do I know when it’s really over? I feel like I deserve more. I also feel like there is nothing wrong with me wanting someone who wants more for me.

I’m scared for my kids, but I find it sad that I would not choose the type of man my husband is for the type of man to marry my girls. I have been thinking a lot about what my life would be with a companion; a true companion.

Any thoughts?

Sorry for the book.

Freya56 11 months ago

My own book started with my marriage in 1981 to a sailor, Not one of these guys that had port calls every other month, But a submarine sailor. When he discharged he had been under water or in sequestered schools for three and a half years.

The problems arose when he came home and went back to his UAW job and wanted to use his accrued seniority. When he returned he had more than 60 percent of the plants 7200 person work force.

His father had many friends that had their children nieces, nephews, and other interests including sometimes themselves, my husband came home tired, seasick because he had been on a moving deck so much his inner ear wanted to make adjustments that weren't there to make. He wanted to take the 30 days he had under the contract to get things moved in and a place found for use and even have honey moon we never had 3 and a half years before. His father was angry he did not reenlist and chose to come back and as he put it disrupt the lives of all the good people there.

I had come to that area six months before my husband came home. His father and others pleaded their case to me about my husbands return home, Told me the respect my husband had for social and political realities even from his previous service in the army was being disrespectful. His father said that his son did not respect the social hierarchy in place. I was asked when he came back to hold him in the place he was put . Within, the first hour after my husband came home him and his father were screaming at each other about his going back to work in the next few minutes. My husband was put straight on the floor on seconds. The next morning things got even worse when his father yanked him off the sofa yelling he had to get out and find a place to live.

The first sight of my husband I had was my husband having his father pined to the ceiling straight armed telling him he was going to get some things done before he did and I was going with him after the shafting he had the day before. I went out with his mother, brother and sister pleading with my husband to not hurt his father any more. The next day after finding the place we wanted arranging for the things from South Carolina to be delivered and moved in. My husband was calling me a mercenary B**** slamming out the front door of his fathers house and went to sleep on the floor of the house we had just picked the keys up. I had just told him he needed to stay where he was put instead of bumping onto days. I begged him to let things be for just two years, and not bump this area managers 18 year old daughter to seconds. I told my husband that if he stayed put and did not cause a problem for two years that's when our marriage could start in the bedroom in peace.


Freya56 11 months ago

I am continuing my last comment'

Two years to the day my husband was going to push the promise I had made two years before. He had made plans to go to Rome with his vacation with the rest of us and the week before his father the same girls father her and her fiancé came to me and told me my husband just needed to stay on the job and chose a different vacation slot My husband had not had a day of since our marriage seven years before. But if he took this trip the same young girl would have not been able to go herself. So I went and used every bit of persuasion to get him to just work and let the younger seniority go. The anger that I even asked was enough to walk on. His father actually was picked up by his belt and tossed out the front door. and his mother said I think he should go so don't ask me to say anything, So I was on my knees begging him to back off and keep the peace, I did something really dumb, He hauled my bible out and made me swear if he backed down when I returned I would not say a word about the time place and location of the vacation he chose. We went to Rome and over a couple of nice dinners I was told the best time for my husbands vacation would be between January second and February 14 so it did not interfere with anyone else's need.

I thought when I returned home it was seven months away he would wait that long and we could get things normalized in our marriage without any one being angry. I was so wrong he wanted to leave the morning we flew in for Yosemite I had bought a nice pair of boots as a peace offering. And when everyone figured out he was just going to drop and take off it was pandemonium. I was telling him of our decision for mid winter and I was told to go to hell that was the most useless time he could get because the budget would be spent on christmass and he did not want a road trip he could afford on ice. He asked me as we started for home if I was going to live up to what I swore. I said no not under the gun like this. The van left the I on the next exit, He pulled a manila envelope out in front of the whole confused group handed me a divorce filing, A bus ticket home to my mothers telling me to tell her that I was being returned the same way he received me in 1981, not a wife and certainly not married he was not going to continue keeping a thief and robber in his home with nothing to show in return.


Freya56 11 months ago

He never received the vacations promised in 30 years of our marriage, we never normalized our marital bed, he was never able to divorce me because the state we lived in does not allow mentally ill person to be divorced. The last vacation this year he forced himself on and it resulted in his fathers laying in the hall out side our room with a broken neck. I had tried just one time for a new compromise knowing going in it was not going to be accepted after the holiday on Memorial day and when he came home after rehab, he decided within the first month after there years relearning to walk after MRSA caused his spine to shift That me, my social circle, his father had nothing ever to say about him. me or anything in our life any longer. My husband came home accusing me and everyone else of stealing 3 decades of his life. On a night I had promised his father I would go to a political fund raising event with him, my husbands mother and his fathers best friend my husband came through the door, Told me flat out I was not going unless he was, I tried to give him a 100 and begged him to pick a place to meet after the event were we would hammer out what he would be allowed now. The word allowed was the final insult, He forced me into sex that evening, His fathers best friend was thrown face first into the drive, And everyone got told what he was going to allow us. everything has come down to Its his home, his money and now his son, as I said I tried to get a compromise this year. I went with my eyes down and said in three years the vacation is to Hawaii. I said please wait since his father was not happy about the way he destroyed the traditions for holidays the previous Memorial day He wanted the 33 years of vacation traditions the way he wanted, and I said I would talk myself blue to get him included in 2018. He took the finances for this years trip away from me, told me if I figured a way to go without him don't come home to him or our nearly 2 year old son.

I had to let him do as he pleased. I know the way my husband was abused and treated over 33 years, was not fair but I still feel a little more pateince would have worked wonders, Instead I have an angry, untrusting resentful man about not being allowed the same life others had. His father said in his hospital bed well life isn't fair is it boy, My husband said that's why he was never going to walk again, his best friend was nearly blind and other friends were crippled the last ten years, Sorry but life is not fair is it.

I never thought that hell on earth could exist over resentment, I always thought one day there had to be a way to make up for what my husband missed. The periods of time that past were lost on everyone but my husband. Now I have been left to deal with him on my own, I just put my head down and allow what he wants when he is well. I have seen him put a shotgun in his fathers face and tell him to stay out of range of his 30 30. which is almost a half mile, I am glad my husband doesn't have a long range weapon. I have been moved 1230 miles to the west of all my friends. And most days I wish I had never agreed with his father to control my husband for privleged people.

Dee 10 months ago

I tried all the above and more. 28 years later, I am done. Can't get the divorce done fast enough.

Faith Ann 10 months ago


AMEN sister!

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