How to Deal With an Angry Husband Without Sacrificing Your Dignity

Updated on June 18, 2019
tadasland profile image

I used to be an arrogant nagger. I loved to fight with my wife mercilessly. But then, the tables turned.

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Some women compare living with an angry husband to living by an active volcano. One always lives in a constant state of alertness—always waiting for something to blow up and splatter molten lava everywhere. Even a small outburst can immediately throw one off-balance and ruin a perfectly lovely day. The one big difference between a husband and a volcano is that you can more easily move away from one of them.

However, on the other hand, a husband is also more manageable than a volcano. You can at least somewhat prepare yourself to deal with your husband to whom you've committed your life and love. I'd like to share a few things about anger from a guy's perspective, based on my own past and actions. Because, well, no one knows men better than men—after all, dogs know dogs best.

The following advice is based on the assumption that your husband's anger is directed at you, and not a politician or the electricity bill. However, for the advice to be effective, it may require you to shift your own mental perspective and, often times, your ego.

It is essential you do what is best for both of you. So, if you are ready to arm yourself with a new mindset and learn helpful skills, then read on.

Why Is My Husband So Mean to Me?

There are many reasons why your husband treats you poorly and gets angry with you for no reason. Some of these reasons have to do with underlying mental and physical issues that are not being addressed while other factors are environmental.

  • Low testosterone. While many people associate high levels of testosterone with heightened levels of anger, that behavior is associated with the abuse of steroids, not natural testosterone production. Studies have shown that men with low levels of testosterone are more irritable and prone to mood swings. Environmental factors such as diet and sleep quality can have an impact on testosterone levels. Many men suffer from low testosterone, and it commonly goes undiagnosed.
  • Low serotonin. One of the key neurotransmitters in our brain, serotonin, plays a role in emotional and mental health. If we have too little of it, we become irritable and unhappy. Much like testosterone, eating and sleeping habits can play a big role in determining serotonin levels.
  • High stress. Cortisol, the stress hormone, can lead to irritability as well as sleep and cognition problems. If your husband is experiencing severe stress at work and is not sleeping and eating properly, the high levels of cortisol can turn him into a very different person.
  • Loss of male identity and purpose. The constant grind of your husband attempting to live up to some impossible masculine ideal can wear him down. A single-minded focus on job success and earning large amounts of money can leave him feeling stressed, isolated, and lonely. He may feel that in comparison to others he is inadequate, and these feelings can manifest themselves in angry outbursts.
  • Unaddressed emotional trauma. It is also possible that your husband is dealing with some unresolved emotional issues. By trying to suppress these emotional wounds, he becomes angry and irritable.

Mental Approach for Dealing With an Angry Husband

Here are some steps to follow when it comes to handling your husband. Try to always take a calm and relaxed approach to the conflicts. It is very easy for the situation to get out of hand if you both get angry with each other.

  1. Don’t be afraid. Don't fear the anger itself. Know that anger stems from a general lack of real power. Often, it's because one doesn't have control over one’s situation. It helps to look at it as a baby’s cry, rather than a lion’s roar.
  2. Reflect on your actions. Think about whether you played any role in triggering this anger. It pays to be honest with yourself here. If you did play a role in escalating the conflict, this will require an approach of taking ownership of your actions and maybe apologizing for them if the situation calls for it. However if you didn't contribute to his anger, then your priority shifts to showing him where he misunderstood you, but not now.
  3. Know that anger is a habit. Many times, a man's anger is simply a condition—a habit triggered by the most trivial events. It’s not your fault that he has a short fuse, no matter how he may try to unintentionally (or intentionally) brainwash you into believing so. His words and actions are his own responsibilities, so never take the blame for what he does or says.
  4. Don't try to take the reins. Don't try to control your husband's anger. First things first with this, don't focus on trying to change him, because you can't. Only he can. All you can do is control how you react to it and what it does to you on your end. In other words, he can spit fire, but you can shield yourself from letting it burn you.
  5. Anger is a form of great suffering. When a man abuses a woman, he abuses himself too. Initially, anger makes a man feel powerful and in control, but it slowly burns and consumes him from within. Eventually, that stereotypical sense of "manliness" has a boomerang effect on the man's physical and spiritual health and he agonizes a great deal without ever acknowledging or letting it show. This results in a vicious cycle. If you can see it for what it is then things can seem a bit less personal and more of a lesson about the causes of human suffering.
  6. Anger is a weakness. Despite how it is often portrayed in our culture, anger is not a strength—it is a weakness. My spiritual teacher has a saying I really like on this topic, "Big dogs don't bark. They don't need to." Strong and confident men don't need to bark, only the insecure and fearful ones do. The real question should be—what is he hiding behind his anger?
  7. Humor is your best protector. When you're in a serious moment of witnessing your husband's anger, remember that laughter is the best medicine for both you and him. Think about some things that make you laugh. Here, I'll share with you one of my favorite jokes ever: "God created a man and said to him: 'Listen, I gave you two wonderful organs that will give you the ability to think and benefit the world with: a brain and a penis. But I have to admit there could be a design flaw. Very likely, there will not be enough blood flow to share between them at the same time.'" :)

Quick Tip

A man may get angry at his wife for showing emotions that he is suppressing and is afraid to show. For example, if you start crying, it may evoke the same feeling inside, and the little voice in his head may say: “Men don’t cry.” So what you may get in return is an angry outburst that will attempt to suppress your cry. At the moment it is his inner insecurities that are doing the talking, not the man who loves you.

Techniques to Deal With a Husband Who Has Temper Issues

  1. Don't put fuel into the fire. Anger has an important trait: it’s temporary. So let him be angry by himself and know that he will calm down eventually. If you put more fire into his fire, it may last for more hours or even days than it normally would have. Remember, his anger will pass but what you say to each other while arguing in the heat of the moment may leave scars forever.
  2. Wait until he's calmed down. Address his anger when he's more rational. Don’t be surprised that your husband is still angry, even when everything went according to his wish. Understand that the body is an energy system and that it takes time for that energy to settle. Usually, it takes at least 20 minutes for the adrenaline's effect to die down. When he's calm, address his irrational behavior.
  3. Set your boundaries. Set them and stick to them. The biggest mistake I see others make often is that they do not clearly define what they will be willing to tolerate. Setting boundaries and making them known to your husband is one of the most effective anger management techniques around the house.
  4. Pick your battles. The greatest generals know to only fight the battles they can win. They don’t waste their resources on the ones that they can’t. The fewer battles you fight, the more powerful the ones you decide to engage in will be. Not only will they pack a larger punch, but you will be more likely take your husband by surprise and win the ones that really matter to you. Of course, it's not about winning or losing. Rather, it's about being mindful of what issues are worth tackling vs. those that just need to blow over.
  5. Do not tolerate disrespect. This especially goes for a condescending and dismissive attitude. It’s not constructive for him, let alone for you. From a guy's perspective: a man will only mistreat a lady when no one challenges his behavior. If he knows he can get away with it, he'll say hurtful things to you to boost his ego over and over. It's a nasty business. This may sound a bit harsh, but as the old saying goes: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." So if your husband treats you like crap more than once, it's on you to put a stop to it. You can do this by letting it be known that you don't tolerate such disrespect from a man who made a vow to love you for the rest of his life. If you take the abuse over and over, you are allowing it and letting him believe it's okay. Don't tolerate this: set your boundaries.
  6. Apologize when needed. "I'm sorry." This one is such a common sense step that it’s ridiculous to even mention it here. However, it bears repeating: if you clearly played a role in escalating the conflict, then simply take responsibility for it and say "I'm sorry." Nothing melts an angry heart faster like a sincere apology. Make sure it's sincere, though and the apology is not followed by a "but." For example, "I'm so sorry to make you upset, but you earned it by leaving the dishes." If you use "but" then you negate the apology.
  7. Diet matters. What is your husband eating? Is it a lot of junk food? The importance of a good diet for good mental health cannot be stressed enough. The cliché "we are what we eat," really does ring true here. If he is consuming nutrient-deficient food (fried, processed, fatty, sugary things), then no wonder his brain is on fire. A lousy diet and especially poor gut health can make any person insane.
  • For a quick fix, introduce a ton of raw, fresh foods to your meals, exchange red meats for fish and poultry, juice veggies and local fruits (the exotic ones are too sugary), get some superfoods and blend them, drink them, also get some good supplements like vitamin B complex, good vitamin C, omega-3s, quality multivitamin, drink a ton of water and voila! Your guy's mood and irritability are bound to improve dramatically.

If nothing else works, then grab a dough roller and knock him out! I'm joking of course—this is clearly illegal and may land you in some anger management classes of your own. On the other hand, he may have an anger disorder or some other brain-related conditions that must be addressed by a professional. Perhaps you can convince him to seek some help from a mental health professional.

General Advice on Dealing With Your Angry Husband

  • Don't get angry in response. It is not wise to get angry in response to your husband's anger. If you weather his verbal onslaught and remain relaxed and calm, he will likely be embarrassed about his behavior, reflect on it to correct it, and respect you even more. Think of a time when you were insufferable, but in turn, someone dealt with your emotionally charged state peacefully and professionally. Didn’t you secretly leave with a great amount of admiration for that individual when all the things were said and done?
  • Know when to walk away. You need to make difficult decisions if they are called for. If all else fails and your husband is making your life too miserable, the bad outweighs the good, he's not the man you married, or you just aren't happy, then you have a difficult choice to make. Reassess the situation and think about whether you stay in the relationship (considering emotional attachment, kids, property, and so forth) or do you make a choice to let bygones be bygones and move on in search for a better quality of life. Remember, an abusive relationship does not serve anyone’s interests. When there’s a lot of anger in the house, everyone suffers: you, your husband, your kids, even your pets.
  • Reflection is key. Some Eastern philosophies have explored anger in depth and advise us to follow the way of developing awareness and avoiding automatic reactions to anger. We are advised to takr a better look at why that person is angry. Buddha’s words were: “By looking deeply you'll be able to identify the reasons that led to the person’s anger. If you see that you bear responsibility for angering the person, you'll accept that your own misconduct contributed to their anger and won't get angry in exchange. If you are without blame, then you can try to see why that person has misinterpreted you. Then you can find a way to help him understand your true motives. By doing this, you are going to stay clear of causing more suffering to oneself and the other person.”
  • Compassion is crucial. If you are a beacon of patience and compassion around the house, you can convince your husband to believe that only compassion towards each other will save and sustain the relationship. Compassion is the elixir of life that heals all wounds and lifts all spirits to new heights. Let's strive for it.

How Do You Manage Verbal Abuse from Your Husband?

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© 2012 Mateus Brava

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    • profile image

      I am filled with scars. 

      7 days ago

      I dont even know where to start. I am so hurt and filled with scars. I have been married for 2 and half years now. After we got married, i moved to the country where my husband lives. Because of the language barrier i have been unable to work. Two months after we got married and started living together. I got pregnant. At first he wanted me to terminate but i refused. How can i terminate my pregnancy when there are married couples out there who are trying so hard to get pregnant but cant. After i became 7 months pregnant i couldnt continue with my language course. So i focused on giving birth to our child. Since we have no family here to help out. I did everything all by myself. And because he is the one working, he nevered for once helped me out yet he complains of me not doing the chores and puting our baby to sleep at the right time. I have been cursed and hunilated even in public. Since we got married, we have never for one day gone out together. Apart from him earning the paying the bills, theres nothing else he does other than hanging out with friends, eating and sleeping except he feels like cooking which hardly happens. My husband gets angry over every little things. He abuses the hell out of me without a good reason. He gets too aggressive with our son and tells me it is part of the training process. He tells me that i dont have to be too nice to our son so as not to get him spoilt. He always wants to make the rules on everything that concerns our son (1-half-year old) without letting me make decisions as a mother. From the cream he uses to sleeping time, how he plays, eat, his religion and so on. I just dont get it. I have been trying so hard to make sure i learn this language and get a good job so i can also support him but he doesnt see all those efforts of mine. When i tell him to help put our son to sleep he refuses. He reminds me that i am not the one paying the bills. He tells me i dont get to make the rules in the house and whatever he says i must abide to it. If threatens me everytime we have quarrels. Sometimes i talk back and try to correct him. Sometimes i just keep laughing, or sometimes i keep my mouth shut and let him screem as much as he wants. He does all sorts of things i dont like but i cannot say anything because i dont contribute to our living expenses.

      Whenever i use the word "my baby" or he makes a comment and i respond by using "he is my son" he gets so mad and try very hard to read meanings into every word i say. There are so many that i cant even start to explain because my story will never finish.

      I am tired. I just dont know what to do. I feel cheat on, maltreated by the same man i once thought was good to me. Theres no good reason to why he changed. I know he is fustrated because he is the one working for the family but i dont think it is enough reason to treat me the way he does.

    • profile image

      It’s hard 

      7 days ago

      What sucks is after one of his fits of rage I’m upset a nervous wreck he goes showers after destroying a few items in our home and calling me a bitch and dumbass and anything else he can think of and telling me how I’m to blame for him being angry, after his shower he’s ready for sex and I’m supposed to be okay and forget all about his rage because he has.... how do y’all deal with that? I can’t it’s too hard to process and switch emotions that quickly.

    • profile image

      I agree with sometimes it is what it is 

      7 days ago

      I’m educated sure even have a masters in marriage counseling, However, using what I was trained can only help so much. It’s lije I open my mouth he’s annoyed instantly. Will sigh outwardly and e. This is anything I say. If I try and have a discussion over my opinion on something he will typically scream for me to shut up and drop it. This is only after a minute of talking so yes this to me is disrespectful and quite hurtful. I try to explain that I’m only voicing my opinion and it helps to vocalize my feelings (nothing bad on him or anything). The last time it was my saying that if the tubes are tied a period is pointless as I can no longer have kids. This passed him off so bad. He started calling me sexist etc. I tried to explain helpless to his anger but that only made it worst he went off on a massive rage destroying things in his path. I feel stuck and hopeless. I too have no way to leave him. I have no friends no family. It’s just him and my teens. It’s depressing but it’s easier to soak up the anger take all blame berate myself to him and apologize relentlessly while making sexual passes to calm him down. If I cry he makes fun of me and will tell me I’m being dramatic or if he gets mad at me for anything he says I’m sick of your period must be pretty close because of how your acting. I can’t have my own opinion or likes dislikes he will argue with me that I’m wrong and that isn’t my opinion.... No matter what I’m wrong he’s right I’m nuts he’s perfect. In our church they believe he is a favorite of Gods and he’s damn near perfect. It sucks life is hard. I’m stuck and there is no way out

    • profile image

      Donna 

      2 weeks ago

      If my husband becomes really nasty, I will throw back at him what he is saying to me very calmly and glibly then I disengage. This irritates him to no end. He likes to talk, and talk and talk until you can not take it anymore. He use to be worse, but as you said, a man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you. He is much better, but still tends to be a worry wart about everything and I am carefree. I do not have time for his negativity and toxic behavior. My children are grown and I merely do what I want when his behavior is out of control. He has issues...but he thinks I do. I just don't deal with him and his temper anymore. As I said, I disengage to protect myself.

    • profile image

      Deb 

      2 weeks ago

      A mixture of all of these. It depends.

    • profile image

      Sometimes it is what it is 

      3 weeks ago

      It’s just not that simple. My husband is a pastor. He wears a collar. I have no job, no family, no ability to stand up for myself. I only have two options: one to fight him and feel miserable or two, to just take it and say sorry. Saying sorry is just making it worse now. I am unable to calm him down. I make him so angry

    • profile image

      AshWitcombe 

      6 weeks ago

      Very true

    • profile image

      Get help please 

      6 weeks ago

      Please read about cycles of abuse, it sounds like many of you are in abusive relationships. Also, I encourage those that do not have jobs and stay with angry men to start looking for jobs ASAP. The abuser in your life is completely aware that you are dependent on him and therefore will continue to allow the abuse because you are willing to trade your self-respect for that security. Most angry men are narcissistic and will always blame others for their bad behavior. Walking on eggshells is no way to live. Chances are your family (parents) had a very similar dynamic or at some point you have lost your self-esteem through various bad relationships. Seek a good counselor, find a church, and/ or find a support system. Angry men will isolate you from friends and loved ones and make your life seem “perfect” from the outside which makes it hard.

      Being called names is never ok. It’s abuse!!! It’s actually quite childish, it’s like a childhood bully calling you something because they lack communication skills. It’s their weaknesses and insecurities coming out when they do this!!! So the next time they call you a name, just laugh it off and visualize them as a 5 year old throwing a tantrum.

      For the people that have been physically assaulted, please seek help in leaving. It will take a more strategized exit plan that may require you to seek shelter in a place that he doesn’t know about. There are so many resources available. Domestic violence will escalate, so please protect yourself and your children from these monsters. Do whatever you can to keep them away from your kids...violence can be passed down to future generations but it’s up to you to stop the cycle.

      Find love and respect for yourselves. You all deserve love, kindness, and your minds to be at peace. I have found my peace through church and ministry which has given me purpose and passion again. Praying for all you ladies! God bless you all!

      I have dealt with several different types of abusive relationships and realized I was unhealthy and picking unhealthy men. Not an easy pill to swallow but I realized I can only fix me and I can only work on me. Just like he can only work on him. If he loves you, he will do whatever he can to change and if it’s been years, he like it’s (the power and control) more than you!

    • profile image

      hatefreezone 

      6 weeks ago

      I am not married however I have been in this relationship for 10 years. I have been experiencing his anger for that amount of time. At first his explosions including busting walls, doors, one time a new guitar and never ending of "Get the Fout if you don't like it" "shut your effen mouth" at first every 6 mo. 3mo and now who knows when it will happen again.I have become numb, cold and basically cannot stand him. As easy as it may seem I do not know what to do or how to get out of this. I have not one person to turn to. I am so happy when he is not around. I remember how deeply I loved him and now well I do not trust him. I do want to leave him and I just need help. I am a empath but now I could give a shit. He is cruel and I am losing myself with this person. I am losing myself little by little I do not have the energy to continue. I am at that place where I cannot even concetrate or feel authenic joy.

    • profile image

      Callie 

      2 months ago

      Robin. in 1998 I was going to take him the usual sandwiches that we took every year to his work gate on Christmas day When his family and friends and myself went to the club for after dinner drinks. We knew he was not happy about being the one to work the double holiday shifts every year in his plant and many times had just tried to get him to use the alternative to making lesser seniority work instead after The New Year. Using personal time his supervisors offered in place of the holiday down weeks. I would have done any thing he wanted if he had just cooperated with the community and his coworkers and just had tried to keep the peace.

      I was just putting the dinner we were just wrapping up away that Christmas evening and was getting his sandwiches together to take him with the Christmas gift of a ten, when he stormed through the front door, Slapped his father who was screaming he was to go back to work and we would talk to him the next day about taking time off after the first of the year out of the way and his friend a judge who was responsible for ordering him to work every year was grabbed and told he was not welcome in his house at any time as he landed on his rear in the front yard.

      . He told me until he finished his meal if I touched another thing on his table he would break my arms as I plead we were just going out to the club and all because he really was not happy about working the holiday he was making a scene in front of family and friends and he really did not look like he was clean enough covered in metal chips, sweat, coolant. If he wanted that year we would save him a couple of plats for when he came home at midnight and we could talk about rights then

    • profile image

      Anonymous 

      2 months ago

      I have been married for 2 years to a man that abused crack. He is hateful and mean to me. He calls me outside my name on a daily basis, most of the time multiple times a day. There is no affection in our marriage anymore. We don’t hug, kids or have sex. When I’m happy, it takes him less than 5 minutes to start being ugly to me so I’ll stop laughing and smiling and joking around. He very rarely helps with household chores. Says that since he does all the cooking (by his own choice) and pays our vehicle insurance and our cell phone bill that he contributes enough. I pay our electric bill and the vehicle note. We are supposed to be building a house. So the last few months, I’ve had no say so where the money is going, or who can handle it. I made a comment about a checking account he’s opened to put the house money in, because he will only have a checkbook for it, no bank card. I made a comment that some places don’t take checks anymore. And he flipped out, calling me a stupid bi*ch. Told me I was dumbas* and told me to shut my fkg mouth. But then turns around and expects me to be happy about this house building thing. I’m scared. I feel stuck. And I’m getting to where I can’t function at my job anymore. Counseling will not help because he won’t pay for it and I can’t afford it. And without that counselor loving under my roof to witness what he’s doing, he’ll do the same thing in there as he’s done with his family and mine, make everyone think our marriage is absolutely perfect!

    • profile image

      Anonymous 

      2 months ago

      I have been married for 2 years to a man that abused crack. He is hateful and mean to me. He calls me outside my name on a daily basis, most of the time multiple times a day. There is no affection in our marriage anymore. We don’t hug, kids or have sex. When I’m happy, it takes him less than 5 minutes to start being ugly to me so I’ll stop laughing and smiling and joking around. He very rarely helps with household chores. Says that since he does all the cooking (by his own choice) and pays our vehicle insurance and our cell phone bill that he contributes enough. I pay our electric bill and the vehicle note. We are supposed to be building a house. So the last few months, I’ve had no say so where the money is going, or who can handle it. I made a comment about a checking account he’s opened to put the house money in, because he will only have a checkbook for it, no bank card. I made a comment that some places don’t take checks anymore. And he flipped out, calling me a stupid bi*ch. Told me I was dumbas* and told me to shut my fkg mouth. But then turns around and expects me to be happy about this house building thing. I’m scared. I feel stuck. And I’m getting to where I can’t function at my job anymore. Counseling will not help because he won’t pay for it and I can’t afford it. And without that counselor loving under my roof to witness what he’s doing, he’ll do the same thing in there as he’s done with his family and mine, make everyone think our marriage is absolutely perfect!

    • profile image

      Anonymous 

      2 months ago

      I’ve been married 2 years to a man that abused crack. He claims

    • profile image

      Robin Hernlem 

      2 months ago

      This article places no accountability on the husband..

      just tip toe around walking on eggshells. If that doesn’t work prepare him a healthier meal... joke!

    • profile image

      Anonymous 

      2 months ago

      If learned to ignore it but deep down it stresses me because he can go days and it upsets the entire house. The kids see it and he makes comments under his breathe that I swallow. It’s sucks! It’s bullshit and he has managed to put a damper on every holiday or special event in my life. I look forward to being home alone and taking days off alone. It has put a cloud over the marriage by destroying my trust. I stay because I try to forgive and for my kids but it sucks. He’s mad at me for days as I write this. 5 days off stuck at home with this attitude. Bullshit!! It has changed me as a person. I use to hug and kiss and be passionate but it has slowly hardened me. So no I don’t take the abuse and if he pisses me off enough I hammer him back but it just really sucks. If I said what I really wanted to there would be no return so I keep quiet and just so things I like. I work out play piano so my own thing. I’m extremely independent

    • profile image

      Nikki 

      2 months ago

      I bought new plants for the apartment without including my husband. He said that we should go get them together months ago and I forgot about the conversation. He's threatening to leave the marriage again. He has threatened to leave several times. He drinks often and is an obnoxious drinker. Yet, he believes that I don't have a reason to leave him. He's angry about society and political issues too. He gets very upset when I drawn boundaries around his vent sessions. His major issue are gays, feminism, and activists. I see his anger as an expression of deep feelings of emasculated. He gets depressed about the political climate. He's very moody and I show compassion as much as I can. I pray all the time just to have the strength to deal with him.

    • profile image

      Optimistic girl 

      3 months ago

      Whoa whoa, add fresh foods to YOUR meals? Assuming the woman is stuck in the kitchen preparing food all day and not in the same boat of working all day just as "the man" of the house does? I have lived with an angry man for 40 years, it constantly keeps you on your toes because you never know what will set him off next time. I am still trying to learn to ignore him after all these years. Makes me dislike men in general.

    • profile image

      Allison 

      3 months ago

      My husband is brutal. Mumbles cuz he knows I can’t hear. He says mean things and I say mean things back., Or I walk away. Calls me bitch. He just said the other day that I am a bitch and other people feel the same way. The kids are having issues with him too. I am retired and have no money. He demeans me and says ugly ugly things. He’s always making crap remarks about women. They’re too emotional. We have three daughters and they are very upset by us. We have been married so long, and I have never been single and living on my own. I went from living with my parents to getting married. I’ve been married for 40 years and at least 30 to 35 of them have been a struggle. I know I am weak and have No self-esteem. Not sure what to do.

    • profile image

      Bren 

      3 months ago

      I have lived with my husbands anger for many years I met him when I was 16 we have been married for 21 years this year... He is an ex policeman with a very bad temper he blames it on financial stress mostly but as he is getting older 50 yrs now he has this blind fury that is affecting my children 15 and 21 yrs.. I feel guilty for staying and I feel guilty for leaving... I just cannot cope with this anymore.. Need some advice

    • profile image

      Anon 

      3 months ago

      The author of this advice must be a man.

    • profile image

      Frustrated & Lost 

      3 months ago

      We got together when I was 17 and he 18. We have been together 20 years and married 4 years ago. I love him beyond words but not sure why. He use to be different but really not. The first few years we were together he would threaten suicide, so I stayed. He went through a period of road rage and speeding tickets. I threatened to leave if he cost us anymore money or nonsense. He switched jobs (he had a driving job) and it seemed like he was better. He was for several years. Not saying we didn't have our differences but it wasn't as bad as now. Let me mention a few things real quick, we have no children, he has no job (always in and out of jobs) and he smokes marijuana daily. About 10 years ago he started getting sick about every 3 months. He vomits uncontrollably and it lasts about a week each time. It can be as frequent as monthly and up to every 3 months (like clockwork). As soon as he gets sick he wants to go to the hospital. Two years ago he filed backruptcy for $250,000 in medical bills, so now we fight when he gets sick because he wants to go to the ER an I think he can handle it at home. One dr diagnosed it as gastroparesis nearly 8 years ago and several other dr's say it is the chronic marijuana usage (Cannabinoid Hyperemesis Syndrome), but he wont stop (we fight about it every week. I beg him to stop and not spend so much money on it. He doesn't realize it costs us so much more because of his illness. He blames it on his diabetes, but if we could have a better life, why can't he try to quit) and now he is unemployed trying to get disability and trying to lazily start a business building gas powered bicycles (really he is just eating up my money). One of the last fights, I said how are you trying to file disability and trying to start a company, that is not how it works. He said the business is plan b. I have a great job and support us financially but I work on commission so I have bad checks and would love some support but if I bring anything up he flips. I know I haven't mentioned much about his anger but I am on this page for a reason. he is a lunatic getting mad at anything he doesn't agree with. Sometimes breaking and throwing stuff. How I ended up on this page is that I was walking on egg shells about a subject that I felt needed discussing. I work from home and he doesn't work, so he sits there all day long on fb. This facebook was once mine but we had fell apart and cheated on each other 7 years in and after we worked it out we made my facebook joint and I now use it for business. All of my clients are my friends. Well, he was doing his daily nothing but this time he was arguing with people online about gun control. I suggested we remove me from the page and make it his fb, because I don't want my clients to see an opinion that is not mine especially since I am not one to voice an opinion about controversial things. He lost it and said what difference does it make. Why don't I share his opinion that is dumb, I don't allow him to have an opinion, etc. He always accuses me of causing the fight, trying to control him, being his mom, he hates that he has to ask me to spend money (which he is constantly doing), he brings up old stuff, all while screaming and yelling, while a I cry and try to make things better. I am not one to shut up, so when I think he is wrong I in a calm manner (I am not an angry person and I am very patient) have to defend myself which really sets him off. The day before yesterday he wanted to know why I was with him because I dont have his back no matter what. When he anger is most of the time unsubstantiated I have slept in hospital chairs for days on end for him. I do everything for him. I at first was in agreance with him being unemployed because he says he can't work for others. So he went to school but of course he quit. I am self employed and he spends money like crazy. I try to control it and he makes me feel bad and I give in and we're happy for the moment but really now I owe $30,000 in taxes because he says it's dumb that we have to pay taxes and everyone is after him and so on and so on. He blames everyone else but himself. He is making my success a failure and I don't understand why I love him so much and why it is so hard to leave him. I was so close about a week ago but I apologized and reasoned with him, If I leave him a while, he becomes loving again. I feel like this is not abuse because others go through so much more, but I am so tired and he just seems to get worse. He was screaming at me no more than three hours ago. The neighbor asked for a ride, so he left for 20 minutes or so. He just came back and now he is fine. Just came in and gave me a kiss and looked me lovingly in the eyes like if apologizing but he rarely apologizes (I apologize and cry but he hates both. Says I am not sincere and it is dumb that I cry) and of course it will now go away until the next time which gets closer and closer here lately. Everyone thinks our relationship is perfect. My sister once told me our relationship is relationship gold (no more than a year ago). My best friends daughter says relationship goals using us as an example. I even most of the time think it is. Everyone knows he is an asshole but no one knows the depth of his anger like me. My mom once told I new what i was getting into so i just have to deal with it. :( I know I am not going to do anything about it but I hope I one day gain the strength or he changes. He makes be truly believe it is me and at the same time I know it is not.

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      Anonymous 

      3 months ago

      I'm sorry to tell you, but most of comments here are from women who are abused. You are not married to angry man, you are victim of abuse.

      Your husband is responsible of his anger. It's up to him to deal with it, never yours. He is not angry because something happened to him or he was abused. Bad things happen everyone, yet they don't use it as excuse to harm their partner.

      He is angry because it makes you afraid, and fear is easy way to control you. When you fearfully tiptoe around his anger, he gets what he needs. Power over your. Control over your life.

      Seek help when you still can.

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      garci 

      3 months ago

      I have read all of your comments. I relate in so many ways than one. How can we fix this? What do we do? I cry so much and feel depressed again.

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      Leshmo 

      3 months ago

      My husband has been doing basically everyone all y’all comments. Makes me sick! I’m trying to find the courage to leave!!!!! Just need some $ in a nest egg first. No kids thank God but coming up on 14 hrs of marriage. So that’s sad to me to throw it away it he had his hands around my throat and said he didn’t love me anymore. But today oh he was just mad, he loves me. While flipping a lid a few times today and punching me in my wrist to knock them down. It makes me feel so ashamed!!! He thinks he’s so bad and so mean but will only intimidate me who is 5’2 122lbs. I wish someone would stomp him once. That may sound bad but I have Walt with some bad shit!!!! Always “my”fault!

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      Unknown 

      3 months ago

      This was a good read, im hoping based on how much I ressignate with this article that if I find the strength to follow through with these steps in how to react it will maybe mend our relationship. I also feel like in the comment below my partner may be a narcissist aswell. So hope with me trying hell put in the effort to help himself.

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      Deborah 

      3 months ago

      They forgot to mention that your angry husband also can be a narcissist. This type gets angry for no reason and it is never his fault.

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      Over it 

      3 months ago

      After reading this article and over 100 comments that seem to mirror my own life I have finally come to realize that’s it’s not me at all. It’s him. Not saying that I am perfect or without flaws but no matter how angry I get with my husband (I can’t the number on one hand) I would never treat him the way he treats me when he’s upset. Which is about twice a week.

      Men are trash. It’s sad to see so many beautiful, loving women being treated like this because these men are too stupid to see what they have and to actually value and respect us. I love my husband but he can kick rocks if he thinks this is what I signed up for. We’ve been together going on 5 years and only married for 8 months.

      They need to seek help and get whatever unresolved childhood issues they have resolved. I wasn’t there and I shouldn’t have to suffer because whoever’s responsibility you were chose to abuse that responsibility or neglect it. Man up and Get your shit together. Why should I have to constantly make excuses for an asshole? I have childhood issues too and I’m not going around yelling, demeaning or threatening to leaves every chance I get. I’m over it.

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      Rose 

      4 months ago

      I have the same problem too, dnt knw wat to do

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      Rose 

      4 months ago

      Tracy... I went through the same exact thing while pregnant. Let me just say, it doesn't get easier. You're right, they don't change. My husband never sees anything wrong with what he does and says to me. I am tired of this mental abuse and I am stuck not knowing what to do. We have 3 children (including a 7 month old) and I don't know what to do.

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      lori 

      4 months ago

      My husband gets mad over anything I would always think his gona change but no 19 years have past and he hides his money very upset all the time I can’t hug him goodnight becus his tired and stressed his always in a horrible mood the boys are big already no one wants to be around him . This guy is very dirty and I constantly telling him to pic up his crap and he gets even madder am goin crazy I take lexepro to deal with him it’s time to get out but he wants to fight for the house when he has more houses his an investor flips houses

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      Me 

      4 months ago

      I can't talk to my husband or do anything without him getting angry. I ask him to spend 10 minutes with me and the kids, he yells at me. I can forget about asking him for anything, or any help. He goes to work and that's it. Any suggestion that he participate at home is met with...you guessed it...more anger. He tries to make everything my fault, and I refuse to let him gaslight me (this is a recent change, and he is extremely angry about it). He wants more and more from me--work full time, still do all the house and kids by myself, maintain my body, have energy for what he calls sex, and somehow manage to do it all on his timetable, at his convenience, without expecting him to contribute, and be willing to drop everything and jump to his whims. Nothing I say or do has made an impact. He wants to be a 1950's husband while expecting me to be a 1950's wife with a 2019 income.

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      Tired143 

      4 months ago

      I’m in the same exact boat as you are. This is the exact same situation I’m going threw at the very moment. Simplemom1234

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      Simplemom1234 

      5 months ago

      This all sounds just like what I’m going through. Yelling, screaming, blaming me for everything, changing his story and saying he never said stuff, not helping financially..the list goes on and on. I told him he needs anger management and he said no he needs to get away from me. Okay, I tell him get his stuff and leave...and he won’t. He tries to intimidate me and he hates that it doesn’t work. He is always thinking about himself...never thinks hmmm I wonder what I can do to make my wife’s life a little easier. The only thing keeping me here is my little boy.... but then I think maybe is it really better to stay?

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      Maria 

      5 months ago

      He is always angry with no reason. Very hard to please . I usually keep quiet and sleep in the living room because I don't want to sleep beside and angry man. The more I ask yhe reason what he's upset for, the more he is upset. So i distance myself a NH d watch tv.

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      Maya 

      5 months ago

      My husband and I been married for a year , and he never showed his anger issues when we were dating. He raised his voice on my few times, then he have a really bad anger that he gets pissed off at people on the road, like one day he literally followed the guy and they both got off road and almost fought I was 8 months pregnant sitting in the car shaking, I had to get out of the and stand between them two and begging the guy to just drive away. Then I had a beautiful baby boy and he yelled at him first night my baby was born, and again first night we got home. His anger issues been progressing I’m always very calm so when I talk to him I talk nicely. But he just doesn’t get it, he cussed me out the other day in public just because the car didn’t open few times, then he apologized and I told him I forgive , but I don’t forget. I really don’t know what to do I have to support system just got stationed here and he’s in the military.

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      callie 

      5 months ago

      Jessica. In 2014 we discovered just how bad my husband was abused in his senior year. he had just returned from the army on a split enlistment and gone back to the football team. to leave in January.

      I guess he decided he was not going to be put on second string because several school board members wanted their second year sons on first string. My husband and three other seniors went to the pregame scrimmage not to lay down but to inflict damage to get there positions back.

      His father and the four school board members intercepted him when he arrived home with a golf driver to the back of his head then tied him to a tree with zip ties then used a section of lamp cord to whip him demanding his apology to the tune of 353 sutures and staples in his back and 50 each wrist where the ties cut into his wrists, his temper with that social structure has never been any thing but hair trigger often ended up with up to four people in the hospital the four actually ended up as critical care patients because he would not give up on a job bid. They were well connected by family and politics in the community and all my husband, had was his seniority over those men through his union. They thought they could force him to remove his bid and he thought they could die trying, he nearly achieved that goal and left me under the front door with my leg broken and his father knocked out in the front yard for objecting to being forced four men were loaded in an ambulance sent to major trauma care because he objected.

      ?what can a wife accomplish with such venament objection when all I wanted him to do was just listen to what they proposed in exchange and stop the last 16 years of hate between him and me over what he felt was his social obligation, He felt he did not owe the community a thing and was willing to hanmmer us all into the floor to have his way.

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      Kate 

      5 months ago

      my marriage was destroyed cause of my husbands anger. i could no longer love him. i do not know him. we are like roommates. i do not even sleep in the same room (made excuses). 30 yr marriage and the only thing good was my kids. However, i think he destroyed my daughters spirit and hope she will find a good man. He showed no example and she was afraid to tell him things in fear he would get mad. i stayed cause of the kids. now empty nesters. i don't know what to do. i didn't work so that makes it hard. we tried counseling but that did not work. they said it was communication and yet he refused to talk. never has time. married 30 yrs and only half those years were intimate cause i didn't feel love. and he would never discuss it. he even yelled at me the whole way home after having a baby. i had nothing to do with me or the baby. then we never work anything out cause he refuses to talk. so i would send letters and he said i was evil when i said i was hurt. Ladies--- get help now …things never get better like i hoped.

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      Tracy 

      5 months ago

      To be honest they will never change unless they want to. Most of them dont see it as a problem. And im sick of hearing the excuse its because of stress. MFer you are my stress. Your the only thing in life that stresses me out. Ive tried everything. Nothing works so now I just tell him to stop acting like a child. That is what he really is..mentally he is a child. I am 31 weeks pregnant and I dont even want to bring our duaghter into this house. He thinks the bad names he calls me hurt. They dont no more. Im so dman used to it i dont even care anymore. I dont believe what he says anyways but there is woman who would. Eventually im sure we will get divorced Im pretty certain of this bc he will never change.

      My suggestion to all the women on here is to get out and get away. I wish I never married him tbh worst idea of my life. Hes a narcissistic abusive asshole who will never change.

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      Lisa Eden 

      5 months ago

      I've worked in mental health for some time, so I get it! I can easily list the reason for his anger without even testing testosterone or serotonin levels. But how do you help your husband understand themselves and this neuroscience you explain so wonderfully above? He's gonna say, "stop treating me like your clients." If they don't see the problem and use defensive mechanisms like blame or deflection (this is usually a 'scorecard' in our house of how much he does and then my retaliation for how much I do, PLUS the mental workload of carrying a family). He feels he's not the problem...the kids are, society is, work stress, whatever he chooses at the moment.

      We were together for 5 yr before I married him. I knew what I was getting into. But, bringing two girls into the picture. One who is now close to dating age. What kind of damage are they experiencing from years of this bullshit? What kind of partners will they find for themselves? I'm tired of picking up the pieces and exposing them to this hurt. I can't go on, but I can't get out. Tiny not-for-profit income & and only me paying for my girls things since birth has me too in debt with no safety net at all (which I'm working on with financial counseling). And until a divorce is finalized and child support comes in, what the hell does a girl do in the meantime???

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      sleelake79 

      5 months ago

      My husband is similar. He has a very stressful job and when his stress piles up, he takes it out on me. Never physically, just verbally with insults, mean words, and blame for the situation. His parents never helped him deal with anger as a kid (and his whole family has temper problems) so he is aware, but doesn't do much to fix it. He says I am his world and he must do better, but it seems to only get worse. I have tried many tactics when he is mad, but none seem to work, and then I verbally fight back because I feel attacked. He always uses the same insults, and I start to wonder if he really thinks those things about me. Later when he has calmed down he will sometimes apologize and tell me he doesn't mean what he says when he's angry (often he doesn't even remember what he said). I often feel hopeless. I love him and we have kids, but I often think about leaving him, but I can't. I haven't worked in years, and now I work very part time to support his career. I agreed to "for better or worse" but lately, there seems more worse than better.

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      Anna Roosevelt 

      6 months ago

      Lena, your post really touched me, your husband's bahaviour is so similar to mine! He considers that he never starts fights, he reacts in response to something he considers an attack from me. And when it starts there are no limit to below the belt words that he spits. I mean everything passes, nothing is off limit. I'm a f#$& b#$, a cochroach you can step on, disgusting, inferior, crazy, a thing that he doesn't even need to listen to.....

      Contrairely to you I can't respond calmly or leave. I used to be destroyed by this, but now I also just feel empty, except that I can't sleep. He has no problem sleeping or getting on with his day. He never apologizes for it either. And it's always me who tries to talk to him, while he just rejects me. At some point things return to normal and he becomes loving again. When we don't fight, he's the one who tells me that he loves me more.

      When things calm down, he makes efforts for the relationship and for me. It's as if he was a different person. He never yells at me for "nothing" like typical abusers and little issues couples generally have are resolved respectfully and he's able to apologize. These ugly outburts happen when he feels disrespected and attacked by me.

      We have a baby and a house together, otherwise I would have left him. Maybe one day I will. I feel so weak. And yes, people have a very good opinion of him, those who don't know him. Those who know don't understand me.

      Don't know if you'll read my message. Hugs to you. I guess the best thing to do is to let him with his anger and take care of yourself.

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      Jessica W 

      6 months ago

      When my husband raises his voice or is short tempered and loses his cool, I usually over analyze what is wrong with me and why I either caused his anger (stupid I know) or why I’m upset by it (again doesn’t help me because I’m taking blame) and I always wonder what I should have said or done differently to prevent it.

      Most times he will just bark out his feeling without thinking about it. I’ve spent many hours of my life trying to figure out how to phrase thing so he won’t just bark at me. But it doesn’t always help at all

      He experienced a lot of trauma as a child with a mentally and physically abusive mother who would beat him and constantly yell and criticize. His father would turn a blind eye or would vent to him without taking action to stop it.

      My husband will often imagine he asked me a question and that I responded when he hadn’t. A lot of time he will get angry because even with our children as witnesses we will say he never asked that or we never said that. But this angers him more because he feels like we are picking on him

      He also gets mad at me when I try to get him to see yelling at the kids isn’t the best option. Or when I try to get him to see why they may have done something the way they did. He barks at me that I always take their side. Even though most times I’m not. Just trying to get him more perspective. This always backfires.

      Life sucks for me. Been dealing with this since we got married in 1998. I’ve been trying to stick it out. But thebokder I get the less I want to.

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      Old Fool 

      6 months ago

      I feel numb. I don’t think someone can genuinely love a spouse and unleash so much anger and venom. It tears away my self worth. I’m usually very quiet, not talkative, etc. because I can’t pretend he hasn’t hurt me deeply. I really don’t have any option other than to take it.

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      Callie 

      6 months ago

      Khatter: For 31 years we cold not get my husband to cooperate willingly in any facet of our social life after he came home from the Navy's submarine service He was cold towards other needs in the community. just wanted his way under the UAW contract he had lefty under before the Navy on a military leave. his return set off 24 years of trying to just get him to understand and listen that his wants under the seniority system where not what the community wanted to hear from him. That he had to temper his rights under the contract to needs of Weddings, Honey Moons, Kids time on summer vacation holidays with family and friends, That just because he wanted them for himself how would it seem if he just took them. Eventually he became tired of taking the back seat and became Very violent in trying to get around people in the community that found ways to keep him from what he wanted including me.

      The millinialls where the worst leaving and coming home from Bavaria hoping that our return with our Olive branch held out for having him work the holiday down week out of the county jail. It was jusdt to get him to stay and work without any actual charges filed or judgement rendered then when We came home our intent was to get him from his birthday the 5th to the 24th off in personal time instead Of Bavaria We would take a short driver to the Straights of Mackinak and a Jacuzzi B and B and celebrate the millinialls like troops that were deployed and coming home We even bought a very nice 1300 dollar clock in Bavaria as a Christmas gift/

      We came home to nothing but insult and he would not consider our way. Would not even open the gift we all chipped in for or look at the pictures we took. telling me that he wanted us out of his life and me dead. for not being the wife I should have been in bed for 15 years locking him out of my room to sleep on a foam mat until we decided he was being cooperative enough. I just knew the day he was allowed what he wanted was the last we would ever get from him. When he decided 13 years latter he had had enough, That he was not going to talk any thing over with any one. He decided I was not going to say no in our marriage one more time to sex and he forced it. Then he decided to take his father and his friends on head to head and they paid in hard pain. I never knew what was to happen year to year. Just knew his father and others wanted him kept in line with their agenda. of social order first. My husband eventualy bought it all crashing gown. in 2014

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      6 months ago

      Numbness. We weren't intended to process so much negativity, anger, and agitation. Our lives weren't meant to be this way. But...they...are. What...to...do.

      When I talk about his outbursts, I sound crazy. They are real. I have shut everyone off so they don't encounter this. I've tried to make sure everything is right - it isn't enough and it will never be enough.

      I want out and have since the week after we were married, 10 years ago. I didn't listen, and I should have. He is ill (for 6 years now) and has no one but me, literally.

      I'm exhausted and I miss those I love. I miss spontaneity and laughter.

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      Anon 

      6 months ago

      My husband is a loving man who cares for both me and our child. He does however have a short fuse, especially when our 1 year old is having a tantrum, or really clingy and upset. This is however when he needs to have a clear mind to deal with the upset baby. But instead his most common respons is to shout or get annoyed. This upsets me and him, and I know he feels bad about it later as this is a conversation we’ve had before. But I don’t want to keep having the same conversation. He’s a grown man and in my opinion should be able to keep his s**t together, especial with our child. I know my sister in law has similar feelings and issues with her husband (my husbands brother) and I feel like it stems from his upbringing.

      I usually say “stop” or “don’t shout” or just take our baby out of the room, as at the age our baby is just trying to express him self because he can’t do it by communicating yet. I understand when and how to tell my baby no if he is doinng something wrong, but my husband doesn’t, he thinks shouting back is the answer but it isn’t. I just don’t know how to get this through to him though.

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      Hannah 

      6 months ago

      Brenda - You don’t have to stay! You can have a better life!

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      Molly 

      6 months ago

      I need peace n calm I do not deserve to be told my family friends are not welcome in our house.He hates coming home, the kids n him walk on eggshells ( note our kids adults disagree) I am always complaining

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      Lena 

      6 months ago

      I never wrote anything like this before.... but today after what happened I felt I just needed to read and write something to let it out. My husband told me that he has bad temper before we got married ad I thought it was amazing because he tried to deal with it by telling me about it. Have to say when you meet someone and you are in love you dont really pay much of attention what he says you just admire him even more because he tells you he is not perfect but with you by his side somehow he feels he can change.....

      We got married, I left my country, wonderful job, family, friends and came here to share my life with him. I wanted nice house, kids and just happy life with the man I love. And I was willing to work for everything. It didn’t happen to us.... we still leave in rented property and we are not blessed with children. I tried many times to convince him to do something more about buying our own place, he never said NO but he never actually said YES either or at least to discuss a plan of action. So it didn’t lead to anything constructive.

      We have a small business and we work together. First my husband’s bad temper outbursts were only based on our disagreement related to our business, and I always used to say to him please dont behave this way. I might have different opinion but I am not your enemy. I am your friend, please when you think I am wrong tell me but in a friendly kind of manner, not with anger. It worked to start with. We re now married for 17 years and I don’t really know what to do. Today it happened in the car. We had a fantastic time last few weeks, laughing, everything was fine, visited his father over weekend, went out, did a lot of things together, I couldn’t stop thinking to myself how wonderful everything felt.... until this afternoon. Driving back home in the car (can’t remember why) but in a very disapproving kind of voice he told me that I have to get rid of a lot of things on that top fridge shelf.... just get rid of things he said!! My answer was ok but not all of it please to what he said in kind of sarcastic manner “would you like me to help you with it”? I was meeting a friend for coffee and he suppose to drop me offf, so I asked nicely and very politely please don’t do anything while I am out as I will do it myself because I didn’t want him to get rid of things I wanted to keep. I explained that things like Harrisa paste or capers or some of Thai carry pastes are OK to keep fior a long time because when you need it once in blue moon it is nice that you have it. He told me to kill the conversation it very rude and I couldn’t understand where it was coming from. I didn’t say anything, but than I thought about everything I said to myself why? Why I am the only one who is always have to keep quiet and not to escalate things and find an excuse for him why he is angry???? So I said I didnt know why he was talking to me like that but I have cleared that fridge couple of weeks ago and I said I will do it again. I also added that he knows more than anybody how much I love clearing things it gives me great pleasure. ( and this very true I a very house proud woman, my husband doesnt do anything at home at all, but I don’t mind, I love cleaning and I never asked him to do anything!!!) What happened after this I don’t have words to discribe.... he shouted at me “ I said kill the F****** conversation !!!! Shut the F****** up!!!! He repeated it so many times and sooooo loud I think the whole world could hear him even we were in the car.... I was not scared of him but everything inside of me just felt numb,,,, he kept shouting and scrimping and I felt totally disoriented.... after he finished I said it is not normal to be like this even you feel I am very very wrong..... he stared shouting again. I wasnt scared .... I was very calm and in a calm voice I said I am sorry I made you feel so angry and it made the whole matter even worth ...... he said he doesn’t want my “sorry” he told me “to kill the conversation” and I always want to have the last say. I tried to explain it is not about last say it is about clearing the situation, clearing misunderstanding and I didn’t want to walk away go and meet my friend after what happened. He shouted again, used a lot of bad words, and I am not sure I can forget and forgive again now. It happened before but it wasn’t that bad. I don’t know what to do...I love him dearly and when things are good they are good , I thought of leaving him few times, his family absolutely adores me, my family adores him, I never shared anything negative about our relationship with anybody not even with my closest friend, but today I felt I can’t do it any longer I just need to talk to someone. He is sleeping on the sofa now, no apologies, and I am writing this and crying my eyes out... he often just fels asleep after his anger. He is not approachable when it comes to talking and resolving things, if I instigate the talks it usually ends in another angry argument, after I usually walk away, we don’t talk for 3/4 days, I cook food for us, we eat in silence, and than I start talking just for the sake of moving on because I hate been like this, it destroys me, I can’t get on with day to day life I do not like conflicts. I don’t know what to do. My family will be devasteted and will not believe me if I leave him. They think he is the best thing that ever happened to me. The same with his family. I love his parents very much. He has very complecated relationship with his mum, Outside he always speaks highly of me and a lot of my friends think that I am the luckiest woman in the world. I feel totally trapped. When it happened first time I was scared of his anger and I told him that. I am not scared anymore I told him that too and his answer was “do whatever I think I need to do” . And not so long ago he told me he is not just loves me very much but he is still in love with me...... How can you love someone and be so angry over the shelf in a silly fridge???? In the moments like today I don’t feel loved at all..... if I leave him it will be the news of 2019 because in every ones eyes we are that perfect couple. I have no idea what to do today. I cooked dinner as always after I got back, he is sleeping on the sofa, tomorrow we need to get up early and go to work together.... and is going to be tough for me, I just want to disappear to somewhere but I can’t. When we talk or argue is a better way to discribe it he is externally elaborate with his choice of words, he very strong emotionally too, it feels like talking to a steam roller.... no matter what you say he will twist it and roll it over, and I will just break in tears...... and it makes him even more angry. I know if I walk away he will not even phone once to ask how am I and it hurts me even think about it. The truth is I don’t really have anywhere to go.... don’t have a job or a place to leave or a friend I can talk to and stay with.... I know only I can make that decision. I am not a grey mouth girl, I always had respect at my previous employments and among friends for being straight talking and honest and helpful and caring. I used to run departments of people as a head of department. How did it happen? Why I can’t get heard now? My boss in a bank I worked for before nicknamed me “Iron Lady” when it came to dealing with difficult situations at work. And now in my own life I feel totally misunderstood, unheared, stomped on. Why? What did I do so wrong? Thank you for listening.

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      Liza 

      6 months ago

      Contact dr ozama if you need help in getting your ex lover back now or if you have been having issues have a child. Kindly email him at ozaspelltemple@gmail. com

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      Brenda 

      6 months ago

      I’ve been married 30 years

      And yes miserable ones.

      I don’t know why the hell I stayed so long.

      He was a lousy father never around.

      Lousy husband would use a few choice words but won’t.

      His unmarried Devorcedfriends have come first.

      Me last.

      I can’t take any more of him acting like a teenage boy he’s 56 and never grew up

      I wasted my life on this man

      He’s physically mentally absusive to me on a daily basis.

      I’ve even tryed to Kill my self 12 years ago becase of how he is towards me.

      He’s beat and choked me becase I despise his male friends.

      Their all Devorced.

      So I tell him theirs no reason he should spend so much time with them

      And he goes alflipo on me for it.

      I can’t even stand being in the same room with him anymore

      My skin craws when he touches me.

      I want to vomit.

      I want a Devorce

      Do I have grounds to file

      Need advice

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      7 months ago

      I love my husband so much and I don’t know why. I feel like everything I do or say sets him off. When things are bad , they are really bad. Once they are good we act like it never happened. He doesn’t understand that I can’t forget the things he does to me . Why do I let it continue and why can’t I leave him ? I feel like I’m just waiting for him to leave me or worse - hurt me . I feel dumb not being able to leave and I feel dumb having to comment and “google- mean husband”. My heart won’t follow my brain and I don’t know why I think I deserve this .

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      Dani 

      7 months ago

      Glad I'm not the only one who cries... Unfortunately it's added fuel to my husband's anger when I cry as a result of something mean he has said to me. I am at the point where I wonder if I love him more than he loves me. Every day I seem to do something that makes him mad. And he's never sorry about hurting my feelings. Ever. He apologized early on in our relationship, but now.... He just tells me that he's only speaking the truth, and if it hurts me, tough. As I said my crying doesn't make him realize he's gone too far, just pisses him off more. What ever happened to the man who cared about me? I'm still crazy about him, but he seems to mostly not like when I'm around. Articles like this one tell me I'm to blame for this change, and I'm prone to believe it....

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      7 months ago

      I feel like I can relate to just about everyone in the comments.

      Where to begin? Well. . . I question my marriage at this given moment. Ive pondered back and fourth on what to do. Ive made a few attempts to leave, and when I did I always came right back. When arguments arise im fast to listen without over talking or becoming overly exaggerated. I just listen. Looking at my marriage, I can't say that Im the the problem. For example, this past Christmas was my birthday, I worked an overnight shift into Christmas. I was soo happy and jolly (as always) but the moment I came home my husband was the total opposite. I questioned what was the problem, but to my avail "nothing." Okay! We were fixated on spending the day with his family, but because I felt like I needed to voice my opinion on not wanting the day to go that way with his pissed for who knows what reason- it got worst. I don't like being around him when he's infuriated. Most times we distance ourselves and come back two- three days later (silent treatment in the same house) and regroup. Going back to that day, he got mad and raised his voice me and tried to tell to get in the car. At that point I didn't care, I told him calmly to have fun with his family and make the best of it. He went outside after loading all the presents, and came back with the ones I purchased him and threw them all on the bed and told me, "This is why I told you not to get me anything for Christmas". I'm shanding there in silence, I glance over and see all the presents I purchased him- that dont hurt me. Then he takes his ring off and throws it on the bed, mind you this is Christmas and my birthday. I just watch as he storms off and slams the door behind him. Christmas morning was ruined, but thankfully I had my brother to talk with.

      As a firm believer in God, I am weighed heavily with the thoughts divorcing him. I feel in my heart that life will eventually go on, with or without him but do I pull that plug? I hate that this has a huge impact on me. I go to work to just try and find peace within myself- which works because Im no where in his pressence. Im not scared of him. I know hes jealous of me, he told me and truth is I dont know what for? Is it because I know how to control my emotions? Im empathetic? Im forgiving? Im nice? I care? I Love? For whatever reason I need some closure and clearity.

      By the way, this is a cycle Ive noticed and this is to merely say, he's got work that needs to be done but refuses. Im sure its just his "melon" ego of his head that wont allow him to. So I observe and consider alot in silence, for silence seems to work better for the both of us, because everytime things are addressed he only makes things worst. Do I get away? What to do?

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      Chy 

      7 months ago

      Im very sorry if this is offencive in any way but, i absolutly hate those results on the graph. Right now 30% of women cry in front of their husband or cry in private afterwards. That is so sad to hear, it helps shine a light that really somtimes it just shouldnt work out, for your own good... I know i am in that 30% and its time to re asses my boundry limits. Thank you.

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      Jesus knows me 

      7 months ago

      He says I'm controlling and am like his mom. Nope, We both had a hard upbringing. I know if it weren't for Jesus in my life, I'd been dead long ago.So I must still have something to do. Read Job in the Bible. He had a real hard time. Tempers can be deadly.

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      Anonymous 

      7 months ago

      There’s a lot of good points and wisdom in this article. Being compassionate, taking responsibility for your part, and living a healthy lifestyle can not be stressed enough. Encouraging your partner to seek professional help is an ok suggestion, but the best suggestion in this situation is for you to seek professional help for you.

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      •••••••••Tired and Weary••••••••• 

      7 months ago

      PLEASE READ IF YOU ARE CONSIDERING MARRIAGE OR IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

      My husband too has a volatile temper and at any moment can blow up. When we were dating he was as sweet as could be, he was usually calm and charming. We would go to church together and everything seemed fine. Looking back i know see red flags that I somehow overlooked.

      We are a blended family. If you think a first marriage is hard, just wait until you go through a second marriage. Very difficult indeed. I cannot say anything about his son without spouse having an explosive temper tantrum. Heaven forbid I say his son needs to do his homework instead of playing video games all day or clean his room. When his son goes to his mom's house, there are no rules or discipline. The police have been involved because of his other sibling drug use and theft. I hope that my stepson doesn't get caught up in this. I went from being able to have a sufficient savings to nothing. I used to file head of household, but now that I'm remarried I have to file joint- half of the small refund gets taken for my husband's back child support for one of his kids. He hasn't held a steady job since we married. I don't make much, but what I earn all goes to pay the house, bills, and food. When I get off work I have to cook and clean because he claims he is always busy. By the way he stopped going to church with me long ago.

      My life has been anything but easy since I remarried. I miss the inner and outer peace I had when I was single and no man to push me around. The comments in this article just reaffirm that men in general have a need to be right all the time and they seem to think us women are not entitled to have an opinion.

      I often feel regret and think about the good old days when it was just my kids and I. Please if anyone is considering marriage, I would think twice if i were you. They start out as prince charming but turn into great big toads!!! Yes, there may possibly be some good guys out there- but it seems they only exist in movies.

      There has been physical and verbal abuse. One time i did call the police but was told couldn't really do anything unless things got a lot worse.. Often i feel hopeless and just want to run away. The last time he got physically abusive, i did try to defend myself and i told him if he ever physically hurts me again that i was leaving and not coming back. I told him a husband is supposed to protect his wife not be the one to hurt her. I guess he realized that I meant it because he hasn't done that again. I also try my best to avoid being the passenger in a car when he is driving. Any little thing sets him off and he starts driving like a maniac to scare me. No self control whatsoever.

      I love my husband very much. Initially all his explosive tantrums would send me crying, but now I'm becoming more and more numb. I kept hoping that things would get better, but they haven't. I'm beginning to think that i may just need to cut my loses and walk away. A partner is someone who builds you up and not bring you down. Someone who either contributes to the household finances or chores. Not just wait for you to do more than your share. I kept hoping in my heart that maybe next year will be different, but things just get worse. Now I'm asking myself do I really want to live like this the next five years? NO!!! Do I want my kids to marry someone like my spouse? NO!!! (My father was also a very angry man with a short fuse, and i married someone like him. Now that I think of it, my maternal grandfather was also an abusive man.) Do I want my kids to think this is what a marriage is like? NO!!!

      Ephesians 5:22-33 I believe this verse does state for wives to show respect to their husbands. It also says for husbands to love their wives...something about cherish your wife.

      Anyhow, i know it is easier said than done. My chance to leave is every summer because my kids go with their father and his son goes to his mom. The last time i said i was leaving, he threatened to kill me or both of us. I'm giving myself a 6 month timeframe to see if things will improve. I'm serious this time... If no improvement then it is time for me to leave for a peaceful and solitary life. I have always believed that God should be the center, foundation of a home. This is difficult when your spouse refuses to go to church with you or pray with you. I think if these were godly men, we wouldn't be suffering like this. God help us all.

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      A'ishah Tiana 

      7 months ago

      I tell my husband that I will not participate in any conversation until he calms down. I remain calm and as a result he usually tends to throw something, get into a massive huff and puff of swearing and throwing insults and then walking out. When he returns he tries to put me in my place but i refuse to be put down. I apologize for my actions when I have done something to worsen or start the argument, but generally wait till he is in an emotionally stable place to understand that I won't tolerate disrespect.

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      Mariah 

      7 months ago

      Are you all you people crazy!? When a man blows his stack all the time, it's time to pack and leave, not come up with 10 solutions to make HIM feel okay! What the...! This is such chauvinistic crap. Women...one thing to know: you rule the world. No gets born without us!

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      Cassondra 

      7 months ago

      I tried to do this with my husband this weekend and he started yelling and cursing at me. He's now acting like nothing was wrong, and I'm having a hard time. I'm hurt by his actions and I can't seem to get past it. What do I do?

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      Sharee 

      7 months ago

      I just dont know what to do anymore. I can admit, I fuel the anger sometimes. I apologize but no matter what, its not good enough. Most of our issues are due to money and him sneaking and spending and not communicating it to me. We have these awesome talks then two weeks later, he is back at it again. Hiding, using his credit card, money we dont have to pay for things he wants. Mainly coins for his playstation. I dont work right now and he is bringing home all the money. Im actively searing for a job in my degree field. He said I could and agreed that I shouldnt take anything less. He told me I can budget it but he doesnt follow it. Now, he started vaping agian, which is another expense that we can't afford. He shuts me out and just doesn't talk to me for days. Now, he is going over a mutual friends house whose husband is deployed and helping her out whenever. We had multiple conversations and arguements about boundaries when it comes to that. This last time, he didn't open his mouth to tell me anything. She called me, only because he wasn't answering his phone and wanted him to come back over. I feel so disrespected. I haven't told her to stop calling him which I need to, but its like my own husband would hide that from me knowing how I feel about it? He just does whatever he wants whenever he wants because he likes doing it. I try to be as compassionate as possible but he walks all over me. He already doesn't have sex with me. I can admit, i have gained weight since we have been together but I look good to me! I have that confidence there. I just dont know what else to do, say, or how to act. I pray daily and read devotionals. Its all one sided though. He says he believes in God but doesn't like to prsy with me or do devotions or read the Bible. God is who we are to be connected to and I dont see him nowhere. His vices are his game, now vaping, and all his sports that he reads. Mines are God, reading, and sometimes walking. I dont have many. I just feel our marriage is falling apart after 5 years. I want us to communicate but I feel its one sided. We went to counseling about a year ago, helped some. We went to a marriage enrichment less than a month ago, helped for two weeks, and we are back, worst than before. He says that im judgy and he can't tell me things. I feel that is his way of manipulation because I have gotten so much better at understanding that he has wants and needs and I usually dont mind him getting things. All I ask is that he lets me know beforehand. He doesn't. He keeps using that lame excuse. Im venting by the way.. somehow, I hope this will make me feel better. I just want the best for our marriage. Am I wrong?

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      Elise 

      7 months ago

      I try to lower my voice and speak slowly and calmly and either explain my side of the argument as objectively as I can, and apologize if necessary for anything I did to make the situation worse. I’ve gotten better about doing this and then giving him space to think on my words. Usually by the time I come back to the room, he’s cooled down and apologizes for losing his temper. It doesn’t always go this well though! Other times I give him space, and then lose my temper when hours later, he’s still angry. I think it’s really helpful to focus on not letting his anger burn you!

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      Amanda 

      8 months ago

      My husband and I have been together for three and a half years, married about 2 years. Lately, I've gotten the impression from him that he's just super annoyed of me, and I really don't know what I'm doing wrong. It makes me really scared. I don't really bother him much while he's at work, usually a ‘hi’ text, or to ask him what he wants from the store, or tell him something funny our daughter did. Is it normal for men to sometime just get in moods? Or am I doing something wrong? I swear I'm not trying to piss him off or annoy him. Please help me with some recommendations for a great book or a podcast about it.

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      Anon 

      8 months ago

      Princess - maybe speak to your husband when you have time alone with him. I’ve been in that very specific situation and I’ve endured patience and frustration but if you try to understand and wait for him to understand your POV he will get there, you must understand his POV to. The advise here I think is brilliant and I’m going to try use some of the techniques. I think time away to your parents would be good as you need to have level head and give him an ultimatum to work it out.

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      princess 

      8 months ago

      I've recently been having some issues with my husband because of his mom.... I do my best to obey his mom but whatever I do is not enough for her.... so at the moment my husband is angry with me that he has sent me back home for 10 days.... please help me.... what is the best thing for me to do

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      8 months ago

      That why better dont marry alive alone happily

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      Kathy 

      8 months ago

      I point out he is being angry for no reason yet again.

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      Sick of fake people 

      9 months ago

      Gail c. If everything’s so perfect. What are you doing at this web site? Women come here for help. Not to have someone flaunt their supposed good fortune in their faces. Or is it that by looking at their relationships being so bad that’s the way it makes yours look so good to you. You’re nothing but a bully. A miserable little mind in a small person. May god bless you

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      Gail C. 

      9 months ago

      Compassion works both ways. If two adults are not involved in the relationship, then. perhaps it is time to end it. Nobody, woman or man, should be someone's slave. I don't walk on eggshells for my husband. If he has a bad day, I try to be understanding, but never at the cost of my dignity. I expect him to be understanding when I have a bad day, but not at the cost of his dignity. Luckily, my husband and I have been able to get along pretty well. He pretty much knows what I will put up with and what I will not put up with. And I know his tolerance level as well. Through our misunderstandings and fights, we have both learned and grew … learning experiences for both of us. Mind you, I'm not saying that we have not had some rocky times because we have .. but we were able to get through them. However, neither one of us tolerate being mistreated. Perhaps that is why it has worked for over 38 years.

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      hopelessly stuck 

      9 months ago

      So, at what point will the angry husband take ownership of his actions? He is an adult! When will he own up to his B.S.? I have and will continue to try all the tactics under the sun but it gets old when there is zero accountability coming from the angry husband. Wives should try this and they should try that but what is he doing to try to improve his behavior? I have over and over again expressed how his disrespect is unacceptable but I do not think it is my fault because I have "allowed it". It is comforting to a degree knowing I am not alone. However on the flip it's sad knowing how many adults can't seem to get a handle on how they handle stress, themselves, their health, whatever may be. You are a grown man, handle yourself! Granted I don't have the balls to tell my husband such. I clearly don't want to say something that will unleash the beast, again.

      Well, at very least, it feels good to vent. Thanks!

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      9 months ago

      Always angry man. Very disenchanted with life. Feels like low man in totem pole at work. Comes in the door with the proverbial little black rain cloud every day. I’ve tried everything but I walk on egg shells. It’s gotten where I don’t enjoy his company anymore. I’m pretty sick now with auto immune disease. Maybe from all the stress here at home. It’s been so hard and I feel no way out. I love him and even try to downgrade my pain so his anger isn’t fueled by my problems. Every time we are in the car together he goes on these rants. I never get to speak. There is no such thing as my feelings. I get images of opening the car door and jumping! He over eats from the time he comes home. I have made sure to let him know I’m attracted to him. I’ve fawned over him just to build him up. I even got hormones to give me a boost. I realized it isn’t me. He said it was though. He stopped wanting sex even more after I jumped through that hoop. I spend $1000 a month in groceries minimum. Yes, his body is out of whack. It is my opinion that he’s going to blow at any minute and I am on high alert at all times. I’m so tired. Today I had no potatoes for a recipe I make him for breakfast. No other suggestions were good enough so he got dressed to go spend more money so he could eat all day. (So stupid and childish)Oh yeah, money is always a problem even though he makes a 6 figure salary. (We’re in debt badly). Then he stopped and pulled something else out for breakfast. I was ready to make him anything else. Our fridge is full so there were options. Instead he pulled something out and started to cook himself. Well I finally lost it! I would do anything he asks but instead he spited me. Making me jump through more hoops is just cruel. I knew from the moment he woke that today was trouble. Sunday’s always are. Im so tired. I’ve lost hope. It’s 30 years of marriage about to go down the drain. He won’t go for counseling or to visit the doctor. If I cook healthy he goes back and shoves more food in his face anyway. He’s so bold to tell me the food I make him wasn’t what he wanted or maybe he already had something like that for lunch. How in the hell am I supposed to know that if he doesn’t tell me? I think I’ve used every tool you’ve mentioned in this article but it ultimately fails. No hugs or sweet moments to keep me going. Just a black hole. I’ve been dedicated to this train wreck forever it seems. I just don’t have the strength sometimes. I’m sick enough that there is no way I’ll make it alone. My faith in God is the only reason I stay the course. I feel used and abused. I’m so tired. I work to keep my home but I feel like I’m taken advantage of. In so many ways. In the past I did file for divorce due to his physical and verbal abuse. He for the most part never did it again. Instead it’s inuendo. A particularly undermining behavior meant to keep me off balance. It’s borderline evil. I feel ridiculous at times because I know it but I don’t dare address it. Also, occasionally he’ll send my a beautiful text on how “wonderful” I am. Later when he walks through the door I wonder who that is because his words don’t Match his behavior. How effed up is that?

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      Mimi 

      9 months ago

      I'm not married, but I have already seen some of this behavior out of my boyfriend of 2 years and was looking for ways to cope with it. It's hard for me to tell whether this is normal relationship problems or if I'm sinking deeper into a verbally abusive relationship. I began to cry reading some of the other women's comments because I can empathize, but perhaps the issues are not as extreme.

      Thank you.

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      Yelena 

      9 months ago

      Thanking you...this is great news..I have set of tools...

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      Mia 

      9 months ago

      I just had newborn with him and it’s kinda funny last year happened too when we had our daughter.. we had misunderstandings wanted to leave he called me bitch and all my family and then he hit my back then he cried with me because I had panic attack and passed out. Then we had fight again and I left to my family house taking my kids. I love him very much.. it’s just we had misunderstanding... I wish he would listen...

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      Nadine 

      10 months ago

      My hubby had a traumatic past.he is short tempered and hates my family. Always criticises me.he had squandered his money and i have to see to everthing.he repeats the same word's to me daily and it gets me down..he goes away for hours and i have no idea where he is.he doesnt communicate with me..he bottles up.he screams and pick on me all day long..he curses my family and me..i am at my wits end.

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      Gail 

      10 months ago

      Most of the arguments and his moodiness is over money. He wants to retire now but we can't afford it so he gets mad at me and accuses me of only caring about money or his paycheck. I only want to survive and not to retire and instantly lose all we worked for. It's a daily battle.

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      S0PhieM 

      10 months ago

      My husband is sweet.. Half of the time. The other half he is yelling:

      Kiss my as&**, F&* you, Fu&*^, Stupid, You don't think, You don't respect me, What about your vows?!

      He also has yelled: Bit&*h, I wish I die to be away from you, I made a mistake marrying you, You are using me!

      If I say that I'm not going to tolerate name calling, yelling, etc he says: What about your vows? You promised you will follow me, for good or worse.

      If he can't find something and I look, he yells at me saying that I don't believe him so I don't respect him.

      Once we were walking back home, it was raining, there was this dirt road up a hill, it was really dark, he demanded that I walked up the road with him even after I said there could be dangerous. He yelled at me.

      He has yelled at me in a hotel, I'm sure people in the other rooms could hear him.

      He says that he is sorry and he looks like, then he say the nasty words and name calling again, and again, and there we go again!

      I'm tired of this "I'm sorry" and then does it again. We just had an argument, I said that I tired of his "I'm sorry" and then does it again. He yelled: I'm tired of you not forgiving.

      Yeah right, am I a slave or does he thinks that he got a bill of sale for me when we got married?

      I love my husband, I'm willing to let things go, I forgive him. When is he going to stop?

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      kassie windsome 

      10 months ago

      I will try to help with his issue, when he continues to be upset, I run around trying to solve the issue, then he continues being upset and starts blaming me for the issue, then i try to explain what may hav caused the issue, then he keeps on, complaining at this point about everything he sees, then i start getting heated, and start raising my voice, and then it's me that is mad and yelling and i'm the problem at that point,. but if i stay calm and try to apease him, then i feel that im being victimized and start to defend myself , i feel rail roaded and ran over

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      Lisa 

      10 months ago

      My husband is a constant active volcano. Everything is fine and good and he often talks about how lucky he is and we are. Many days go on where everything is fine, almost idyllic. Then something changes. His voice becomes louder, his tone turns short and condescending and I feel and hear the buildup - I know something bad is coming. When he gets like that I have 2 options. I can say something like I feel you are angry, what's gong on? Sometimes that works and he diffuses, but usually it doesn't it turns into me "looking to accuse him" of doing things wrong and then he swears there is no tone - as he says it enraged. Knowing this I usually chose Option 2 silence and avoidance. I cry a lot because I do not understand what he has to be so angry about and how he go from a calm married man of 25 years to screaming for a divorce in a matter of 5 minutes over nothing. I feel like I am dealing with such a child or a drunk who you can't get through to no matter what (even though he is sober).

      But the worst are the "BIG" events. Something other than a wrong comment here and there. Recently he got upset with one of my family members and the blind rage and over the top yelling and crazy scenarios make me think - What did I marry and who is this monster?

      Sitting here in my office, hoping and praying this rage will end soon is no way to live. Even though it is not daily, when you live with someone that has such a capacity for anger it changes how I act everyday. he changed me. Thais is no way to live.

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      Jane 

      10 months ago

      My husband is always angry everything bothers him he complains about our small house not having a perfect dinner why the house is dirty he is so selfish barely helps & does nothing with kids when they were little he never prepared breakfast, packed their lunches very rarely took them to places all the load was fon me, I stoped working after my daughter was born she was very hard child to handle & she had behaviour issues. My health is very bad I have high blood pressure & high Aniexty I also experience panic attacks occasionally: he tells me he treats me like a princess when I say I want to leave he gets so angry with me. On time he punched a hole in my bathroom door. The next day he went to replace it, it’s not installed good so everytime I open my door it remind me of the insident. I never told my family about it & he always plays the nice guy when they r around. I don’t know where to go my Dad. was very abusive when I was a child & he always puts me down & makes me feel stupid. I don’t know where to go especially that I have two older kids.

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      callie 

      10 months ago

      I have read how many wives have husbands that retaliate against perceived wrongs, When in 2001 my husband refused to keep things peaceful with his father and the community, just wait two weeks and sign for a different shift and job in the new plant and let the sons of four important members of the community have the tool and repair parts crib job on midnights. I had been on my knees begging my husband to pull his bid. He knew those four friends were drug users and pushers looking for a central place to receive and deal product from. He refused to back off knowing they were not going to stand for his refusal as well as his ex military friends.

      He called me a who** after finding out in my dispare when we had to have him jailed on December 23 1999because he would not accept a judicial decision that he had to work the milliniall holiday instead of forcing lesser seniority to work.

      When the deputies tried to take him into custody he knocked two out and had to be tassed to his knees. As the dragged him to their car to be jailed and forced to work the next 11 days until the second of January. All any one wanted was that he work the holidays use other options for time off other than when everyone else wanted them When we left for Bavaria thar December 23 we were going to come back and suggest a different way he could celebrate the new century starting three days after our return to let us come up with time out of the plant he would like. Let everyone else have their plans for the new century.

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      callie 

      10 months ago

      In February 2013 I could not even get my husband to take a 100 and meet me, his mother and father, a good family friend and whoever else I could reach, and pick a place to meet us after a black tie dinner I was invited to that evening to at least try and work out the way things had been before he became so ill in 2009. It was not the years. months and even days we had tried to get him to cooperate with us about before he became ill, I was just pleading for 4 hours to have a civil conversation about expectations and what, when and how he would be worked into, things like holidays and vacations. so it was not to much of a shock to friends.

      He had decided even before he came home from rehab and a two week stay in the regional mental health after his spine was so badly eaten up by mrsa in 2009, that when he came home things were not going to be any decisions other than what he decided and nobody7 had a thing to say in what he did, when he did it and how he did what he wanted and the first one of us that tried was going to hurt for it.

      I ended up crying and hurting within 45 minutes of his coming thugh the door that evening , the dinner I had planned to go to was not going to happen, a new gown was shredded, h had been forced into sex trying to tell him the prior 3 decades were never meant to get to where they had come to, his fathers best friend was laying in the driveway with a 4x6 inch flap of skin peeked down his forehead. he tells his father he hoped his friend bleed out if he was not already dead.

      I was trying to explain to his mother that there was no longer going to be any reasoning with him. this is the kind of anger we dealt with from December 23 1999 to this day He either got his way or he was taking another pound of flesh..

      we have not reached any compromise with him in 17 years because the prior 20 years we broke every promise made to him so he decided that he no longer was listening to any, even those made in good faith.

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      Khattar 

      10 months ago

      I try to discuss

      Go to other room when things dont getsorted

      But my husband gets irritated on that also saying that i dont consider him anything in front of myself

      He starts blaming for everything going wrong in the house then i also lose my temper

      Though afterwards he cries also n says he loves me a lot

      He z dominating person

      He wants me to work also but fights wid me when something is left out in households

      Sometimes he says that he doesn’t want me to work but takes my salary also as soon it comes

      Buys me expensive things but when i buy a cheapest thing also on my own , gets angry n finds out reasons to fight wid me. Etc etc etc

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      Adrianne 

      10 months ago

      Thank you for this information. It’s so helpful to absorb thoughts from a man’s perspective when you are dealing with an angry man/husband. Your words are golden. Keep doing what you’re doing.

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      Freckled 

      10 months ago

      I have an abusive other half and i really hope this article will help me. I know i trigger his anger and so he said that is why he calls me a b*tch because i am one he said. He also demean by past, my family, my friends and bring other girls saying they are better because i was jealous of other girls and that's why the fight. It can get so bad when i react to it but i tried so hard to not give any reaction but he will say i am acting dumb or mute and started to bring in the past and when i tried to explain, he will always stick to his version and say it is always always always my issue and he deserves better.

      But not once, he wanted to break up with me. When we get better, he always say he loves me so much.

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      Anonymity 

      10 months ago

      Ahhhh these comments make me madder than my husband! I live with this anger and will not tolerate it! I give so much but I fight my ass back. I’m so exhausted from this war zone! I’ll build my army’s like a risk board then take my mission ! They won’t ever change. (Mine is just a constant battle with day to day shit, communicate people say, ummmmm when? When he’s over talking me mid sentence, and telling me I’m an idiot just for putting something in the pantry the wrong way? Didn’t sign up for this shit!

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      Sue B 

      10 months ago

      I have been married 47 years to my husband but wonder how much longer I can hold on. He has these terrible fits of angry outburst with little or no provocation. He always accuses me of lying, and if I prove I was right he really gets heated up. I can not win either way.

      He has a hearing aides for both ears but refuses to wear them. I am his biggest target for the anger, but he also has made it so bad for our grandchildren, they don't want to come over anymore.

      I stay quiet while he is on his rampage but this often makes him more angry. If I try to discuss anything with him after he calms down, he just goes off again. He never says he is sorry. He feels everyone else is wrong. It is always your fault.

      Now he is on this thing about he brings more money in the house so I should have no input to the spending.

      I worked min. wage jobs for all but 16 yrs. He was out of work for

      18 mos, in 2006, before he was forced to retire. We used up all our savings paying for Cobra insurance and keeping our selves together.

      When the savings was gone I cashed in my retirement, with a big hit of 40% for taxes, to keep going. If I remind him that is the reason I can't contribute more money to our house hold income, he said that showed how stupid I was to do that.

      I just don't know where to turn anymore.

      It is getting just so hard to take.'''''''''''''

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      Matt 

      10 months ago

      This was a great post. I don’t normally comment when I read blogs but very insightful and helpful to my situation. Thank you!

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      Kimchinoodles 

      11 months ago

      The simplest thing annoys him..like him calling me and im to busy at the momment and hes upset says we are over and we shouldnt of gotten married Blah blah same shit always..He was making my life hell i was on the verge of a mental breakdown plus i was a fresh new first time mom no sleep with PP depression and all he can ever do was make it about himself being stress.

      After him dropping uncessary hint about me not working even though i was paying for my own and baby stuff .

      I could of no longer cover rent while he made it seem that his bills was much more important..

      I talked to him about it and went to my parents house for weekend to cool off turns out he packed up his stuff ,our suff things we bought together and left the rest of our child and my stuff and left our flat that was in my name..

      Now we are seperated i feel much better mentally. And him still gets upset at a simple late return phone call..

      I use to argue back and try to explain myself but since its always about him i have decided not to say a word..

      I feel like im walking on egg shells with him and usually try not to say or dor anything to piss him off ..ya think that help nope..

      Everything i do or say that rubs him wrong he'll get upset even people in public gets him upset..

      I really wish we dated longer before getting married.. But ww are trying to work on our marriage but now hes upset for a late return phone call (i told him i was busy but he got upset and cut the phone off) and truthfully i really do care to much about giving second. Well more like third chance because im sick of his behavior ...and he still thinks the world should revolve around him.

      Ha i thought i was fully over this ..hmm YOLO

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      robby 

      11 months ago

      I withdraw into myself.

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      Donna Dolle 

      11 months ago

      My husband gets angry at the petty things; I drank out of his mother’s glass, I left a dish in the sink, I put my hands out to help him move a heavy object (that was just yesterday, you would have thought I just killed our dog). He has a booming voice and when he’s angry I have to leave the room or the house. I now have a separate bedroom and of course that makes him angrier. However, I can’t be loving to a man who is always angry at me. He does have pain issues so it is possible as is indicated here, that is where his real anger comes from.

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      Wilted rose 

      11 months ago

      We have been together fir 25 yrs. Now i become silent. Avoid him . And focus on me, my happiness and well being. I do respond back, but he makes a cruel joke or it me being stupid. I am over him

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      Freya56 

      11 months ago

      Every three years I would go on a vacation to Europe between the 1st of may to the end of June. Every three years we would dread coming back to be picked up at the airport by my husband who did not go. Not because he did not want to or did not have the vacation time or the right to the vacation slot, but because there was always somebody with better connections that wanted his vacation slot.

      The two worst was the first in june 1987 when before leaving I secured a young couple that worked in my husbands department but just did not have the seniority to take a june wedding and honey moon because my husbands seniority was in the way. So to let them go get married in Rome In had to swear and sign a notarized copy of what I swore to that any time, any way, and any where he wanted his vacation when I got back I would be a willing travel companion and sex partner since after his return from the navy I withheld sex as a reward in the future for good behavior in the community, That was in 1985.

      Just about the second my feet were out of customs coming back hes ready to head on a western road trip, with the full intension of me keeping my word to the letter.

      We had talked it over in the family and friend group after the wedding and we had decided that the best time to let him go on his vacation and not cause disruption in other plans, was after the holiday shutdown, We were going to suggest a vacation in the tropics for him and me in January.

      Instead after a fierce argument I found myself on a bus to my mothers an hour after getting back and hes acting like a Neanderthal slamming his father with his luggage for having a court order placed, requiring him to ask the court for time off the job.

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      strong in the word of God 

      11 months ago

      my husband is so different now than when he courted me. but i will not waiver...he can either stop the emotional abuse or i will not pay another bill for this house....listen and learn...these abusive men are usually men who depend on a woman to keep them...no sir! dont do it!~ either they treat us with respect or the rent/mtg or bills are not paid....watch and see how they become more docile when they realize that they will be put out of their home and you can move on...and trust God...He Loves you and does not want you to suffer....but he commands us to not be afraid...Stand Up for the Lord Thy God is with you...He gives you Strength!

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      mary rossi 

      11 months ago

      I have one question, why the angry husband never leave?

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      Amanda 

      11 months ago

      My husband and I have been together for three and a half years, married about 2 years. Lately, I've gotten the impression from him that he's just super annoyed of me, and I really don't know what I'm doing wrong. It makes me really scared. I don't really bother him much while he's at work, usually a hi text, or to ask him what he wants from the store, or tell him something funny our daughter did. Is it normal for men to sometime just get in moods? Or am I doing something wrong? I swear I'm not trying to piss him off or annoy him. Please help me with some recommendations for a great book or a podcast about it.

    • profile image

      Caro 

      11 months ago

      I hate my optimism. It feels like what keeps getting me hurt. Im tired of waking up happy and thinking its a beauitful day and thinking it will be a good day or that anything good will happen. Im SO tired of planning these great productive days and then looking forward to them just to end up back in bed devastated and crying feeling hopeless day after day.

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      Cc T 

      11 months ago

      My husband is always angry with me,we been married for 22 years,I'm not financially stable.o dont know what to do.what ever i say he gets angry,saying I m a nagging person.i feel very hurt because now I decided to keep quiet .I don't know where he is having as much affair or not.i feel lonely in my marriage.

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      Freya56 

      11 months ago

      I have given up trying to deal with my husband and I am letting everyone else try and do it for themselves, most just end up crying. Either that or if they push hard enough end up in the ER. After he took what he felt was his due in 2013 as I begged and pleaded for him to stop that even after 31 years we could still find a solution, he did not have to take the sex I had denied by force. He took what he had felt was his due for supporting me by force that evening then started in on friends and his father. Who I had started out the evening waiting for them to arrive and pick me up for a black tie dinner they had invited me to.

      He had just been bought home from three years of rehab and mental health care after mrsa had caused his spine to slip and partially sever and crush his spinal cord, and he was not going to let things go back to the way things had been before mrsa, not without blood shed. We had planed a dinner for him the weekend after his return home to discuse the ways we could include him and do it without his resentment and anger over the last 31 years. we had never intended him to work everyday until he became ill to work everyday from January second 1982 to October 24th 2009. We had just tried to get him to see things our way and work the options he was given for time off in exchange of those he wanted in holidays and vacations, he had told me my sex was to high a ransom to pay fir his right of choice under seniority rules, and he started some decades before to despise me trying to get some willing cooperation and using the possibility of sex as the hope. All I was trying to do that day was try and start the process to a solution to stop the retaliations that had become common since 2000 leaving many hurt in them.

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