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How to Deal With an Angry Husband Without Sacrificing Your Dignity

Updated on September 15, 2017

Some women compare living with an angry husband to living by an active volcano. One always lives in a constant state of alertness—always waiting for something to blow up and splatter molten lava everywhere. Even a small outburst can immediately throw one off-balance and ruin a perfectly lovely day. The one big difference between a husband and a volcano is that you can more easily move away from one of them.

However on the other hand, a husband is also more manageable than a volcano. You can at least somewhat prepare yourself to deal with your husband to whom you've committed your life and love. If you'll allow me to, I'd like to share a few things from a guy's perspective, based on my own past and actions. Because, well, no one knows men better than men—after all, dogs know dogs best.

The following advice is based on the assumption that your husband's anger is directed at you, and not a politician or the electricity bill. However in order for the advice to be effective, it may require you to shift your own mental perspective and, often times, your ego.

It is essential you do what is best for both of you. So, if you are ready to arm yourself with a new mindset and learn helpful skills, then read on.

Mind-frame for Handling an Angry Husband

  1. Don’t be afraid. Don't fear the anger itself. Know that anger stems from a general lack of real power. Often, it's because one doesn't have control over one’s situation. It helps to look at it as a baby’s cry, rather than a lion’s roar.
  2. Reflect on your actions. Think about whether you played any role in triggering this anger. It pays to be honest with yourself here. If you did play a role escalating the conflict, this will require an approach of taking ownership of your actions and maybe apologizing for them if the situation calls for it. However if you didn't contribute to his anger, then your priority shifts to showing him where he misunderstood you, but not now.
  3. Know that anger is a habit. Many times, a man's anger is simply a condition—a habit triggered by the most trivial events. It’s not your fault that he has a short fuse, no matter how he may try to unintentionally (or intentionally) brainwash you into believing so. His words and actions are his own responsibilities, so never take blame for what he does or says.
  4. Don't try to take the reigns. Don't try to control your husband's anger. First things first with this, don't focus on trying to change him, because you can't. Only he can. All you can do is control how you react to it and what it does to you on your end. In other words, he can spit fire but you can shield yourself from letting it burn you.
  5. Anger is a form of great suffering. When a man abuses a woman, he abuses himself too. Initially, anger makes a man feel powerful and in control but it slowly burns and consumes him from within. Eventually, that stereotypical sense of "manliness" has a boomerang effect on the man's physical and spiritual health and he agonizes a great deal without ever acknowledging or letting it show. This results in a vicious cycle. If you can see it for what it is then things can seem a bit less personal and more of a lesson about the causes of human suffering.
  6. Anger is a weakness. Despite how it is often portrayed in our culture, anger is not a strength - it is a weakness. My spiritual teacher has a saying I really like on this topic, "Big dogs don't bark. They don't need to." Strong and confident men don't need to bark, only the insecure and fearful ones do. The real question should be - what is he hiding behind his anger?
  7. Humor is your best protector. When you're in a serious moment of witnessing your husband's anger, remember that laughter is the best medicine for both you and him. Think about some things that make you laugh. Here, I'll share with you one of my favorite jokes ever: "God created a man and said to him: 'Listen, I gave you two wonderful organs that will give you the ability to think and benefit the world with: a brain and a penis. But I have to admit there could be a design flaw. Very likely, there will not be enough blood flow to share between them at the same time.'" :)

Quick tip: A man may get angry at his wife for showing emotions that he himself is suppressing and is afraid to show. For example, if you start crying, it may evoke the same feeling inside, and the little voice in his head may say: “Men don’t cry.” So what you may get in return is an angry outburst that will attempt to suppress your cry. At the moment it is his inner insecurities that are doing the talking, not the man who loves you and claims himself as your life partner.

Techniques to Deal with an Angry Husband

  1. Don't put fuel into the fire. Anger has an important trait: it’s temporary. So let him be angry by himself and know that he will calm down eventually. If you put more fire into his fire, it may last for more hours or even days than it normally would have. Remember, his anger will pass but what you say to each other while arguing in the heat of the moment may leave scars forever.
  2. Wait until he's calmed down. Address his anger when he's more rational. Don’t be surprised that your husband is still angry, even when everything went according to his wish. Understand that the body is an energy system, and that it takes time for that energy to settle. Usually it takes at least 20 minutes for the adrenaline's effect to die down. When he's calm, address his irrational behavior and perhaps share one of the anger management techniques that "you learned for yourself" that will be helpful for him too.
  3. Set your boundaries. Set them and stick to them. The biggest mistake I see others make often is that they do not clearly define what they will be willing to tolerate. Setting boundaries and making them known to your husband is one of the most effective anger management techniques around the house.
  4. Pick your battles. The greatest generals know to only fight the battles they can win. They don’t waste their resources on the ones that they can’t. The less battles you fight, the more powerful the ones you decide to engage in will be. Not only they will pack a larger punch, but you will be more likely take your husband by surprise and win the ones that really matter to you. Of course, it's not about winning or losing. Rather, it's about being mindful of what issues are worth tackling vs. those that just need to blow over.
  5. Do not tolerate disrespect. This especially goes for a condescending and dismissive attitude. It’s not constructive for him, let alone for you. From a guy's perspective: a man will only mistreat a lady when no one challenges his behavior. If he knows he can get away with it, he'll say hurtful things to you to boost his ego over and over. It's a nasty business. This may sound a bit harsh, but as the old saying goes: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." So if your husband treats you like crap more than once, it's on you to put a stop to it. You can do this by letting it be known that you don't tolerate such disrespect from a man who made a vow to love you for the rest of his life. If you take the abuse over and over, you are allowing it and letting him believe it's okay. Don't tolerate this: set your boundaries.
  6. Apologize when needed. "I'm sorry." This one is such a common sense tactic that it’s ridiculous to even mention here. However it bears repeating: if you clearly played a role in escalating the conflict, then simply take responsibility for it and say "I'm sorry." Nothing melts an angry heart faster like a sincere apology. Make sure it's sincere, though and the apology is not followed by "BUT". For example, "I'm so sorry to make you upset, but you earned it by leaving the dishes." If you use "but" then you negate the apology.
  7. Diet matters. What is your hubby eating? Is it a lot of junk food? The importance of a good diet for good mental health cannot be stressed enough. The cliché "we are what we eat," really does ring true here. If he is consuming nutrient deficient junk food (fried, processed, trans fatty, sugary things), then no wonder his brain is on fire. A lousy diet and especially poor gut health can make any person insane.
  • For a quick fix: introduce a ton of raw, fresh foods to your meals, exchange red meats for fish and poultry, juice veggies and local fruits (the exotic ones are too sugary), get some super foods and blend them, drink them, also get some good supplements like vitamin B complex, good vitamin C, omega-3s, quality multivitamin, drink a ton of water and voila! Your guy's mood and irritability is bound to improve dramatically.

If nothing else works, then grab a dough roller and knock him out! I'm joking of course—this is clearly illegal and may land you in some anger management classes of your own. On the other hand, he may have an anger disorder or some other brain-related conditions that must be addressed by a professional. Perhaps you can convince him to seek some help from a mental health professional. Ask your doctor for more guidance on this.

General Advice on Dealing with Your Angry Husband

  • Don't get angry in response. It is not wise to get angry in response to your husband's anger. If you weather his verbal onslaught and remain relaxed and calm, he will likely be embarrassed about his behavior, reflect on it to correct it, and respect you even more. Think of a time when you yourself were insufferable, but in turn someone dealt with your emotionally charged state in a peaceful and professional way. Didn’t you secretly leave with a great amount of admiration for that individual when all the things were said and done?
  • Know when to walk away. You need to make difficult decisions if they are called for. If all else truly fails and your husband is just making your life too miserable, the bad outweighs the good, he's not the man you married, or you just aren't happy, then you have to make a difficult choice to make. Reassess the situation and think about whether you stay in the relationship (considering emotional attachment, kids, property, and so forth) or do you make a choice to let bygones be bygones and move on in search for a better quality of life (again considering all the important factors.) Remember, an abusive relationship does not serve anyone’s interests. When there’s a lot of anger in the house, everyone suffers: you, husband, kids, even the pets.
  • Reflection is key. Some Eastern philosophies have explored anger in depth and advise us to follow the way of developing awareness and avoiding automatic reactions to anger. Instead, they advise taking a better look at why that person is angry. Buddha’s words were: “By looking deeply you'll be able to identify the reasons that led to the person’s anger. If you see that you bear responsibility for angering the person, you'll accept that your own misconduct contributed to their anger and won't get angry in exchange. If you are without blame then you can try to see why that person has misinterpreted you. Then you can find a way to help him understand your true motives. By doing this you are going to stay clear of causing more suffering to oneself and the other person.”
  • Compassion is crucial. If you are a beacon of patience and compassion around the house, you can convince your husband to believe that only compassion towards each other will save and sustain the relationship. Compassion is the elixir of life that heals all wounds and lifts all spirits to new heights of human condition. Let's strive for it. Make the right decision in the end for yourself and your husband and always remember to love first.

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© 2012 tadasland

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      tadasland 2 days ago from San Jose, CA

      @renee: it's not always about winning or losing, fighting back or being the punching bag. This article is about emotional intelligence and coping mechanisms. Go ahead and stand up for yourself by all means! If this changes things for good then you did it! But if fighting doesn't work then this advice is if you want to take the high road and be the adult in the house.

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      renee 4 days ago

      Why does the responsibility of calming him down fall on the wife, or why does the wife have to walk away or diffuse the situation with humor. Believe me they don't respect you any more by doing that. Some times you have to confront the behaviors until they get it. If not time to go - women have been a punching bag and door mats far too long.

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      Mrs H 10 days ago

      I'm here reading everybody's comments... I have to say this is a big world I knew nothing about. I've been with my husband for five months, and even when I already knew and saw this side of him, I didn't realize how far it could go. I mean, phisically there has never been any kind of abuse or else, but I can't say the same about psychological effects. I've been trying to deny this to myself for the past months, my husband is an angry person but this anger management is something new for me and also hard to understand. This is the first time I look up for stuff like this as I'm realizing this is an issue and today I just took it all. It's hard to be comprehensive about him getting all burned out for every little thing, to scream at me even when I have told him I won't tolerate any yelling as I'm not one to do the yelling. I just can't stand the yelling at me for every little thing, even when I'm not even involved in whatever he's doing wrong. I guess is a long path to discover and I really hope things get better because I know how much we love each other and all the great things we have done and achieves together. I'm such a positive person that negativity really turns me down. Hope it all gets better.

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      Jane 13 days ago

      Why is it, that the women are always suppose to submit, understand, do the calming, be the tolerate one. The issues are the mans issues, and should not be the wife's burden to carry. I have lived like this with my husband for years. I have begged him to take an Anger Management Class, or Dealing with Stress class. He refuses, says theirs nothing wrong with his actions. He gets angry, breaks up all my things (never his) or anything I buy for him to show me he values nothing I give him. I created a beautiful home...just to have him break it to pieces when he has his childish temper tantrum's. Many times I have come back to the house to find everything shattered. Who's fault are these rages, his or mine? Who should seek the help, him or me? Why is it our responsibility to defuse them, and put ourselves in jeopardy to their storm. Make some good suggestions here for women, instead of these self centered bottle feeding husband remedies.

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      Desertbee 2 weeks ago

      I will read this again and again and again, to remind myself about things I cannot change and to never attempt raising the rolling pin..

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      wholelottanope 4 weeks ago

      I've been with my husband for nine years. He gets stressed out about literally everything and it has gotten worse and worse. He's pretty nice when he's not freaking out about something, but I think one of the biggest issues is that he's depressed and angry with life. Unfortunately it's his own problem. He works dead end jobs until they're no longer tolerable, but he doesn't want to put the effort into anything else. All he does when I say anything about it is deflect. He'll even bring it up and then deflect after I respond to his inquiry as to what might be a good option. We are rarely intimate. I'm busy and he works a different schedule, but even if he didn't, I have a hard time focusing on said activities. To be honest, I really don't even want it most of the time. I'm becoming very emotionally detached. Right now it's easy to mask because I'm so busy with other things, like trying to finish college and survive. I think he thinks he's just gonna wait for me to improve our financial status, and he often expresses impatience with how long it's taking. I never really say what I'm thinking when he says that (like how about you get that degree and I'll just chill with some $10 an hour job while you take the reigns, since I'm not doing it fast enough?). I mean this would be easy to ignore if he wasn't pissed off/depressed/irritated every other day. It's getting to the point where I can't wait for him to just go to work, even though I'm only home for about 20 minutes before he walks out the door. He's even like that when he calls on break. He doesn't want to do anything, but he's always bored. He's unhappy with his physical condition, but won't exercise. He hates his job, he doesn't know what he wants to do, and any time he has a moment of lucidity and thinks he wants to pursue something, he talks himself out of it within five minutes. He doesn't want to go to counseling because he says nothing will help. When he comes to me to talk or tries to vent, he gets angry with all of my responses. I literally have to figure out all of the possible ways something can be interpreted before I say it so as not to make him angry, and he still seems to find a way to take it wrongly. Or I'm being too much of an optimist and not realistic or something ridiculous like that. If I don't say anything, then I'm not paying attention to him or being insensitive or obviously upset with him for some reason (really I just usually give up after a while because everything I say makes it worse). If I try to diffuse the situation with humor I'm being immature, annoying or uncaring. I'm getting to the point where I don't care anymore. I'm not his mom. I don't want to be his mom. I'm also not his child and I'm not going to be talked to like I'm a second class citizen. I'm sick of him getting pissed off at me every time I ask him to make an actual decision about anything. I've gotten to the point where every time he does this, I call him out on it, and he just gets more irritated and/or tries to play the victim. He's been a jerk all day today. Finally things came to a head over dinner. All I did was ask him what he wanted. I was concerned and knew he was tired and was trying to make him happy. Nope. He got pissed off at me for being indecisive and self-concerned. I wasn't even planning on eating because I'd already eaten earlier. I was just like "I'm done. You figure it out... I've got things to do" and I found something else to do. So he comes in tries to act like I was the one who started it, but I basically just told him that he's been an ass all day and I'm not going to continue being on the receiving end of it. So he admits it and then somehow makes it sound like I'm being insensitive. Dude, no. I'm not playing mind games. I'm sick of trying to make him happy and getting jumped on all the time. I'm about ready to send him back to his parents so I can actually live. I don't have a compulsive need to be in a relationship... particularly if he's going to be like that. It would be one thing if he would actually do something to improve his conditions, but he won't. I try all the time to get him to do things with me, and offer to do things he wants to do, or help him get going on something. All he does is say that he doesn't want to do anything and has no dreams. How do you help someone like that when they refuse to be helped and them blame you for trying to help? He literally gets angry and depressed every time... no matter how positive and upbeat or rational I am about it.

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      Cej39 4 weeks ago

      My husband and I have been together for 6 years. Our communication is terrible. We'll explain something the same way in different words and next thing you know, we're fighting. Since we got together, he anyways says he regrets being with me. I may not be beautiful, but everyday i express my love for him. He's always too busy playing his computer games or playing on his phone. Im also dingy at times where the most obvious things aren't so obvious to me. He snaps at me for being stupid. I tried to quit smoking cigarrettes, caught pneumonia and was hospitalized. I left the hospital early bcuz we argued about him not wanting to be with me anymore because im damaged goods. When he's sweet, hes the best husband i could ever ask for. My flaw is trying to control situations and expecting too much from him like do chores sometimes. He has washed maybe 10 dishes in the 6 years we've been together. I don't know what to do anymore. I was told when i was a teenager i couldn't have kids, im in my 30s and have gotten pregnant twice. Sadly they werent successful pregnancies but the opportunity itself made me love him even more because for brief moments, i was able to say ive been pregnant. I just want him to appreciate me more and not always snap at me for nothing.

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      ronnie 4 weeks ago

      Have been married for years to a Difficult Man.He can be Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde. He was very spoiled by his Mother and could do no wrong, served constantly and placated, which I did not see. He had an Controlling Dad who his Mom spoiled also, This was his model. Let the man have his fits, pet him, feed him, ignore his anger, go shopping, and do what you want. This was not my model. My parents were far more open, both worked, shared responsibilities, discussed issues and made decisions together. It has been very hard to stand my ground while loving him, to create boundaries and tow the line while demanding respect in order to make it work. At the 10 yr point we had a long term separation. I told him it's not going to fly this way and left to be with parents. We reconciled when he demonstrated a willingness to change and respect me. When women have children and seek to give them a stable home, this can be a great challenge. It isn't now, that he is never pleasant, it is that he still can operate the "old way" ( Operating according to what he grew up with) when disappointed, affected by job or circumstance. That is when once again, I have to stand my ground and not tolerate his behavior, not reward it. When I was young I cried thinking it was me...it isn't. I thought the tears would motivate him, they didn't. And by the way, it isn't you either ladies, for the most part. They are dealing with their own stuff their own baggage. I would encourage you to be strong, trust your instincts. It is nieve to think you marry a perfect Disney Prince. They aren't.Can my guy be great...yes...but he can be an Ogre as well. You are the best judge as to whether it is workable for you. I rely on my Lord, on my loved ones and friends who support me...I am far more emotionally "grown up" than I was when I married. If you are experiencing abuse...no. Absolutely not. What I have experienced may not work at all for you. Never stay in a dangerous situation and definitely not with children. If you have something that tells you your relationship has hope, that is for you to decide. Most women are givers and lovers...and can possibly love and give too much to their own hurt. Love and respect yourself enough to make the right decision for you. You are not a worm, God made you in his image. Hold fast to that.

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      Beezybee 5 weeks ago

      It's like I'm walking on eggshells with my husband. He gets annoyed at me easily. One time he asked me for directions while we're in the car --left or right-- and it took me a while to respond, he immediately yelled at me and blamed me. Another was when my dad changed my car tires instead of him doing it. My dad just did it coz he was doing his anyway (changing to winter tires). My husband got mad apparently. When he's angry, he doesn't talk to me for days; like I dont exist in our house. He does not help with chores unless it involves his things too. I tried to talk to him like a grown up but he ignores me too. It's hurtful to be on the receiving end of silent treatment. When I try to apologize, I usually get rejected (he doesnt respond and just walks away or pretend I'm not there). I sometimes imagine if my life would be better if he's not around or if I married someone else. I'm starting to regret my marriage. :(

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      DaisyMay 5 weeks ago

      IndiaMom, I relate. I could have written your comment, myself. Been living in the same dysfunctional hell for nearly 20 years. Sucks! It is called emotional immaturity. Caused from failure to mature during early childhood.

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      IndiaMom2Many 5 weeks ago

      I love my husband. When he's kind. But he's so often unkind and impatient. And he gets angry over the smallest most insignificant things and his anger will go on and on until he's done unleashing it with his words. He is not physically abusive ... I would leave him immediately if he was. But the emotional toll of being with a man I live in fear of is really hard. I don't believe in divorce and I know that a man needs to feel respected. There are many things about my husband that I do respect and I tell him and give him praise and recognition for those things. He is a hard worker and I am grateful for what he does for our family and I tell him that. But when he acts out in anger over stupid things and says hurtful things and I feel like I live each moment in fear of his next explosion, his behavior in those times makes me lose my respect for him. I've gotten to the point where I literally walk through this life looking for signs that he's about to go off again. And it's made me resent him so much. Why can't he just accept my love for him and the many ways I work hard to show him my love and be my best friend and lover and not be such an ass all the time?! If I even cry because of cruel things he says, then he gets mad all over again. So I go in the bedroom to hide and cry and that also makes him mad. I feel like nothing I do makes him happy, as if he is just determined to live his life as an angry and unhappy person and take his anger out on those who love him. Especially me. I can't even show my love for him without him finding something to get angry about. We've been married less than 2 years and his anger problem is really hurting our marriage.

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      Mona 6 weeks ago

      Husband is like that with most of wife in the world one or another way. Best thing find a job by study or by learning some skill better support yourself so you don't have to put and say husband goodbye . this for all the wife around the world.

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      Thope 6 weeks ago

      My husband of 10 years is almost impossible to live with. He is rude, grouchy and never laughs unless he’s on the phone. He’s rude and hateful a lot to my daughter. I’m so over this. I usually just go off and cry but I’m to the point I’m ready to just leave. He gets mad if things don’t go his way and expects people to jump as soon as he says to..

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      Anonymous 6 weeks ago

      Thank you so much. I have been reading and reading on what to do. Just because he has some flaws, and his anger is probably the biggest, I know there is good in him too. I want to help, and be there for him even through the very worse. He's my husband. I love him, and this thread explained him to the 'T'.

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      Jennifer 6 weeks ago

      I've been married to an angry man for 32 years, and I love him, most days;-) I should say he is not and has never been physically abusive. And I am not dependent on him financially or for survival. He also acknowledges his problem with anger and is working on changing, especially in recent years. Those factors matter in what I'm about to say.

      I am not an angry person by temperament. I am in a health care profession, and I absolutely do understand the humanity, the dynamics and the biochemistry of anger. I feel for my husband, who is often my best friend in spite of his anger. I see that he is in pain. I know that he tries to deal with it. I've known him since we were teenagers, long enough to understand some of his history that feeds into it, as well.

      But what a program you've set out for an angry man's partner! As do most articles on this subject. I'm aware that I am in a sense picking on you, tadasland, but most other articles and advice are the same. From 32 years of experience I know your program might take every last shred of my energy. And my own hopes, dreams and goals--my own humanity--could die trying to accomplish it all. In my experience, angry men tend to choose women who are susceptible to their anger. What does it take for a woman who is afraid of anger (often for her own very good reasons) to "weather his verbal onslaught and remain relaxed and calm"? Yes, we can learn to do that, a skill hard-won, possibly over many years and at the expense of learning other, happier skills. We are human beings, too, wired to respond to threat. The threat the angry man is presenting with his verbal onslaught. Not to mention the implicit threat of escalation that the woman is always trying to stave off. The fact I was willing to try so hard all the time to be "reasonable" and to do all those things you've listed was part of the problem, not the solution.

      Ladies, as you all know there's no easy answer, but the nugget of my 32 years of experience is that the most important thing you can do is to set YOUR boundaries with a free heart. I have only figured this out in the past five years, by working on my own emotional stuff. If there's introspection to be done, let it be on what YOU want and will tolerate and on how you want your day, week and marriage to go. Without getting drawn into the anger cauldron at all. If there is one thing I would go back and say to my 26-year-old self, that would be it. I would say "Self, you are entitled to have your minute-to-minute life be as calm, loving and stress-free as possible." What YOU want matters. When he is angry, do a quick self-check. Is this issue something you care about at all? Recognize that when you come down in the morning, and you are feeling good and looking forward to the day, and he starts in on some way he is dissatisfied with you, it is NOT your problem. There will always be some way he is dissatisfied with you, or with your kids, or with your life together: that's the game. Say to him that you recognize it is not your problem, and it is not something you even care to discuss, and back away. Listen to yourself first. Listen to your stomach. If it is clenching and you are starting to feel nauseated, refuse to engage. If you do the same old dance, he will feel better in the short term--this is a biochemical thing--but you will feel worse. Do less, instead of more. Find strategies to remove yourself when he escalates. For example: I've left him in the car (the passenger seat is a danger zone) and found my own way home from a long distance more than once. It was incredibly freeing, and he is now much less likely to escalate when I am pinned in the passenger seat like a bug on a specimen board. And now before I get in the car with him, I will say, "I can tell you are angry about such and so. Can you let it go? Because if not, I'm not interested in going anywhere in the car with you."

      We have two sons, grown now, who I think as adults are confused about anger, both angry themselves and with guts full of their dad's anger, despite all the things on your list I tried to do, all the ways I tried to protect them from it and make it up to them. In such a way, the anger problem is passed down through generations. I wish I understood when they were toddlers that for ME to try harder and harder wasn't the answer. I agree with jyoti below, that whatever one tries might be a failure until he is willing to acknowledge it. Don't expect him to change. Get some help for yourself, freely set your boundaries, enjoy your life-- the more you do it the more you will feel comfortable doing it. In the big picture, work toward whatever you need to do to be happy, calm and independent, and go from there. Your life should feel reasonably good to you from the inside almost all the time. It's possible for for life to feel good to you from the inside, no matter what he does.

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      jyoti 7 weeks ago

      actually I have seen this post very late, but the things are same, as everyone is complaining. I am suffering this hell since 25 years. but let me tell you something in these long years, I learned with my experience that, what we are suffering through is not normal. so whatever one tries is a failure. This is a psychiatric disorder, for this he will never acknowledge. You yourself has to understand, and seek treatment somehow, without his knowledge. it will definitely help you, the way it helped me. And somehow I am managing.

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      Miche Wro 8 weeks ago

      After three children, 21 years of being together and 16 years of marriage.. I divorced him.

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      Aaron 8 weeks ago

      very interesting post. It help me a lot !!! Thanks a lot.

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      Candle 2 months ago

      It's my 12th year of marriage n mother of 2 boys. My situation is exactly same described by poppins-pink. I'm also fed up with it.

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      Poppins-pink 2 months ago

      Hi.

      I am very pleased to have read this article and I also read few comments. I really like how girls are so willing to tolerate and up their endurance level.

      I come from a culture where once you get married, you have no choice but to accept your spouse with all of their traits. Mine came with a whole lot of anger.

      I am 2 and a half months in marriage and have a lovely 7 months old. My husband and his anger problems are making my life a living hell. I am literally shut around him, because I don't know what will make him angry.

      He is always ready to blast his anger on me, criticise me and even abuse me sometimes. I was really scared of him at first, but after my daughter was born, I got a lot of strength, I started to reply back(doing more harm than good) and also started having temper issues myself.

      He has confronted me and told me thatcher is not attracted to me anymore, neither is he interesting in talking to me. He really loses his temper on me in front of his family members, calls me names, and really says hurtful things about my family. I really have started hating him myself.

      He is apparently unaffected, because if I don't apologise, he can go for days without talking to me. No matter who is at fault, I have to apologise every single time. I am so fed up of this.

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      Meme 2 months ago

      Why do woman have to put up with jerks in the first place? If he is mean, find a nicer guy!

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      Ladyhulk 2 months ago

      I keep myself calm and silent, listen to what he says not necessarily accepting each and every word, but off late I have realised that it's triggering him more and he want me to accepts whatever he asks me to do. I'm in a fix, situations are getting tougher.

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      tadasland 2 months ago from San Jose, CA

      @Heather: I got your message in another unposted comment but there is no way to change that. I can only delete. Let me know.

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      Heather 2 months ago

      I really appreciate this article. Thank you so much for writing it! It's very helpful. I am a Christian and I believe in keeping the covenant my husband and I made before God. My husband has been diagnosed with PTSD in the past and he is very irritable and easily offended. He doesn't like being angry and makes obvious efforts to change his behavior including counseling and staying accountable to our small group leader at church. However, when he gets very angry, he says a lot of hurtful things and is very sarcastic and antagonizing. He is a huge bully when he is in his heightened state. I have not yet mastered the practice of being able to not take things personal, but am determined to because when I can and am more level headed and calm, things don't get as far out of control. When I don't use self control myself and cry uncontrollably or get defensive and lose my own temper, things get really bad and even more hurtful. I love my husband, but this is one of the most challenging, stressful things I have going through and I have often been tempted to give up. If I can do my part and have good, healthy habits of remaining calm and patiently standing up for myself without yelling, then I know things will get better. If I can't do my part, how can I expect him to do his?

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      Debnic3@gmail.com 3 months ago

      Usually I'm dumbfounded & speechless by the behavior and just don't say anything. Then 5-10 mins later I go somewhere else and cry/try to console myself. On some occasions I try to stand up for my self, which makes him more angry, he will say"why do you like the bear, why" and then I'll say sorry................

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      rosalie 3 months ago

      Thank you this helps

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      Paula 3 months ago

      Gimme a break. I don't like the obviousness of having the women take the hit all the time trying to keep the fort down. The man usually gets away Scott free.... no apology etc.

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      tadasland 3 months ago from San Jose, CA

      @Mental Health clinician (and Elle): are you sure there's something "negligent" here? If you were to provide a slightly more reasoned and helpful comment for all the ladies here faced with abuse perhaps I'd be willing to have a discussion. This is the thing with modern "mental health clinicians" - they mostly see things as black and white and are rarely eager to teach how to use hopeless, desperate situations and transform them into a path of light and wisdom. If you read all the comments you'll learn that most women here have no other option but to stay and weather the storm. Please, if you have much better advice and are able to share it in most general terms then please do so as we'd all be grateful, but to judge and suggest my personal opinion is somehow irresponsible and causes more harm than good without any meaningful insights of your own speaks volumes of you as a "practitioner" who I'm sure has facilitated the brake up of many relationships that had a chance and a future.

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      Elle 3 months ago

      I would have to agree that this article is shamefully negligent. If you are reading this and are in an abusive situation, you don't need to be "understanding" of the fact that you are being abused. Please understand instead that you deserve to live without being disrespected and hurt by someone who claimed to love you and that you owe it to yourself to keep yourself safe.

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      Annie 4 months ago

      I agree with most of what LollyA mentioned but most of your advice seems to be very passive. Over the past few years, my husband has gotten so angry and abusive that "passive" is not an option. I have listened and showed empathy and patience. I am tired of walking on eggshells, things being thrown around the house and broken, and being slapped and called the worst names. Fine, if he wants to break his own hand by punching the wall, he will have to pay for the hospital treatment but I don't want to pay for another house repair.

      There are times when you actually just need to get out and when you have written "set your boundaries," stick to it.

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      Please be more responsible FOR your readers! 4 months ago

      "When a man abuses a woman, he abuses himself too...Try to be more understanding of this, since it may be a result of a vicious cycle."

      I gasped when I read this. This is a sick attempt to justify domestic violence and rationalize with an abuser. I hope women who are victims of abuse do not read this column and think it's "okay" to put up with this behavior because you (the Author) have encouraged them to think: "it's not his fault" or "he hurts me because he's in pain."

      This is a negligent and irresponsible opinion article with no real psychological or medical authenticity.

      - a Mental Health clinician

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      Elle 4 months ago

      My husband is always angry. OUR son (6 y0) hates him. He gets mad when my son doesn't eat his food, he tells him quietly (restaurant) you fucking asshole, wat you're fucking food. I shot back and tell him do no speak to him that way. Sometimes he tells me HE WISHES he was never born, it was better before he came. I feel I married another man but it's his son. He gets mad when he sees clutter on the floor. I clean all the time. Married for 18 yrs and I can't take it anymore. I have no one to turn too. I feel trap.

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      Hopeful 4 months ago

      The honeymoon phase was short. About a month and a half into the relationship he became controlling and treated me like I was slut. He said from his past hes dealt with bad gfs and was just really cautious. But he knew from the beginning how naive and conservative I had always been. And how strongly I felt about cheating. And I told him I would be patient though and to help with his confidence to help him see how loyal I was. I was in love puppy love first true boyfriend. Wasnt a virgin...but i had a very small number. But he would soon forget and make me feel so bad about nyself call me a slut. Accuse me of wanting his friends. Omg all I wanted was him. Pick on what I wore. Such s shorts, I didbt think theu were that bd. Considering most of time I dressed super casual and tried not to atteact attention to myself. I knew he loved me...he just was afraid. So I continued to take it. i'd apologize, but it only made him angry and got angrier if I tried just being kind by hugging him almost hrowing myself at him and giving sweet words. People trust me this is really hard to talk about it. But I need help. I love him and I know he loves me. We just communicate oddly and have probably ruined the emotional lust to the relationship. Anyways back to what I was saying. Neighbors called police on us before. He doesnt want to be touched. The sappy love crap is too dramatic for him. Nothing works. He would ask me who I was working with that day and think im hiding that im talking to some guy. I was happy and he ruined it alot when he was paraboid. He thought that because sex was less I wasnt loving him anymore. And would make me feel bad when I didnt feel like it. Trust me I loved the sex. But I was tired sometimes we had sex all the time. I guess I got to the point where he pushed me away when it came to it. I told him that the way he treated me pushes me away from being sexual to him. It was true. He said hurtful things to me. Bitxh...shut the fuxk up! Whore! Were over repeatedly...ive never been called a bitxh before I met him. I said my sorrows and he gets angry tells me im bitching and to get over myself and only made me feel bad. But I always have tried to respect him when he has an indifference. I got pregnant and he was so sweet and caring on certain days and others accusing. But petes sake I was having his child!!! His mom didnt help. "Hopeful, give him some space" sometimes I wanted to hear her say to him be a man and hear your woman out. She loves you and just wants to communicate and feel heard. Nope he just got petted and it only fuelled his anger. I will admit I dont think I helped, but I tried. I have anxiety and I hated to be not reconciled. Comforted if you will(My dad left when I was 17 and I was daddies girl) And understood and treated like a queen. Im a calm person and super understanding and sometimes can come off as a people pleaser. and probably can come off as pushy. But I told him I didnt want to be treated that way and that its happened before. Call me a helpless romantic hopeful. Whatever happened to treating each other with real love sappy love. I want chivalry and care. Sometimes I didn't want it to always be cruel reality love sometimes I wanted him to run after to me. If men fantasy had to happen why not womens. He acted like I was demeaning his power and that he was the man. And he ran from me literally. I guess I didnt give him enough space and it got him raging angry and he would try his hardest to get away from me saying were over. I was afraid of him leaving me and alot of times so confused because in my head I was happy and innocent and on cloud9 and he was paranoid sometines and not thinking the better of things. My heart was warm for him. I thought the nicest of him and he sometimes thought the worst of me. 3 yrs later he has apologized for his actions and feels bad that he has scared me. After a while he grew impatient And wanted me to get over it. I tried so hard to look for his aproval that it was hard for me to live for myself. He controlled everything I did then. I had to let him know what I was doing before he went to work. He made me feel bad for using my phone. It helped me whine down after a long day of work. I expressed love to him everytime and all the time I get around him. Telling him how much loved him and how sexy and smart he was. But it was enough. The minute he felt unnoticed he got paranoid. Now, he does the things I was afraid to do, to keep him from him being mad. And makes me feel bad for getting butt hurt when he didnt care that im still trying get over it. He downed my sadness made me feel crazy. So now, I never feel confident in any fight. And am stsrting to give up. I have no confidence in myself. He never truly makes me feel better. He hurts me more. But then he out of no where shows me he loves me. He says he can only express himself through sex and resolve things by joking and kissing and playing with me. But it only makes me feel not taken seriously. I wanted him to care about my feelings. For about a 2 weeks I was happy. But one day he made me feel irrelevant and called me horrible and I mean horrible things. He has made me feel pushed aside. Like everyone was to be treated better than me. He made me feel like their feelings were better than mine. I may have caused him to be pushed away from this relationship and I'm sure tried way too hard. I react to my husbands anger in different ways. Some days I stood my ground. Sometimes I cried and threw myself and belittle myself to him. Sometimes I just grew quiet and only pissed him off. And everytime... I give and let him win and everytime I take his horrible words and never truly made him be accountable. Some told me to leave to make him want you fiercer and to stop taking forgranted of me. He used to spend all of his free time with me willingly. But now he wants so badly to go somewhere like the pool hall wi th his friends. And this is never him. Cheating I know thats not a factor. I feel it. But I tell you, I have tried everything. I want him to be more emotional and understanding of my feelings. But he isnt. He is sometimes willing to fight and argue in front of others. and not care that I have been embaraaesed. He can sometimes be a hypocrite, when things happen with me all hell breaks loose and he makes me feel like the devil and tries to leave every time. A person can take that so much. I have started not worthy and not needed and almost invisibly. I know im all over the place. Im an emotional wreck and cant seem to get my mind right. I am trying to be really honest and give just enough details for help. Trust me I want to do this right. So some rhings I did werent justified but I was angry with his angry and didnt know how to react

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      Calie S 4 months ago

      Mellisa; Men can and will ruin any hope or dream devised. I hoped to live in peace love and understanding in 1981. I now live in a constant state of fear that my husband will make me leave with no options to even see my now nearly four year old son. He's even alienated my relationship with my mother, who also says he worked hard for decades and provided me with a good life for what! I did not even clean his home.

      He had to force me to have sex, after three decades of my saying no (that's how I got pregnant in 2013) Christmas day 2015, he would not consider doing as me and his father asked and take the stinking vacation he had be4en at war with us over for 34 years, and go any where he wanted and leave us in peace for Christmas, We would have a holiday celebration in private with him after the first of the year. I ended up with a face full of food shoved into it, and a bit later a horse in my livingroom with him on back of it with his 30 30 telling several guests that were armed go ahead be stupid he would clean their brains of the wall if any body tried getting their weapons.

      Then he told our guests that anybody that did not like him in his house they were free to leave and that included me. Now I can't even talk to my friends from the mid west, they wont talk unless my husband is dead.

      I can't even get help from his father as in the past he died 12 weeks ago. When my husband was asked at his funeral to say a few words he said just get him into the ground so he did not sit up and start issuing orders. Its sad when a parent dies without any forgiving.

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      Karin Hart 5 months ago

      My husband doesn't seem to be sexually attracted to me. There is no holding hands no intimacy at all. We even sleep in different rooms. He won't even let me touch him .he is so cranky

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      Singers08@Yahoo.com 5 months ago

      I feel like an invisible weight is on me I cannot shake when he is in the house angry. It is very annoying because I don't see the sense in it so I leave and walk or shop and stay gone...feeling like a dog without a home.

      I don't understand how he can turn it off and on without apology or explanation...and I have a difficult time staying home during these times. We have been married for 30 years now so it is not new. He attends church and tried to tell me "you need to hear this!" when a loud preacher was on a cd he bought while we were traveling to see my daughter 8 hours away. I ended up sitting in the back seat burying me head in a book. Not sure how most people cope with lies like these but I withdraw and refuse to attend church or even talk about it because it is so hypocritical to think about the meaning of God and love and an angry person. So then later he gets over it. I finish my book and we exist. Life is a learning experience however I don't feel as though I intentionally attracted this nor do I want it but when he is kind, he is funny and a very good person. Taking the good after the bad has been my only answer and removing myself from his judgement zones.

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      Veronica R 6 months ago

      Great article, first off. So much of what i read i knoe and i feel like my husband too gets irritated with himself after he explodes. However, he continues to explode over everything. We will be going to therapy, again, and hopefully we can get a handle on his anger. Im getting close to the end of my rope. With all of this going on i have lost childcare for my 3 boys so i have to either quit my job or entoll them in daycare. Would it be smart to quit my job now? What if the anger doesnt get under control? I will have no income to fall back on, should i bite the bullet and hope for the best and quit or am i not being realistic?

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      Sonja 6 months ago

      This is a really helpful article. Some of this seems like appeasing and catering to the behaviors - is this healthy? I'm asking because I am in this situation and genuinely want to know. Also, any advice for setting boundaries around disrespect and "don't tolerate this"? My husband was diagnosed with "rage disorder" (intermittent anger disorder) and blows up at the drop of a hat disproportionally to the situation. He's a stay at home dad as of the last year and I imagine this is taking a toll on his manliness. He has issues with his mom and regularly calls me really crude names that you shouldn't call woman, definitely abusive, and usually apologizing later. Doing the smallest things wrong or incorrectly according to his standards will result in name calling about not being a good mom or not being good at life / being a useless person. Missing a train by 10 mins because a meeting went late will result in a huge argument because he thinks it's lack of consideration on my part and a stream of text insults and condescension will arrive to my phone. I'm the breadwinner, he watches the kids and is great at it, but is understandably exhausted at the end of the day, however that doesn't warrant his behavior. I bend over backward to keep him from getting upset. I play the role of mother/wife/employee among others, trying to balance all of this while being chastised by him. We've tried two different counselors.

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      Dorene Lewis 6 months ago

      The argument starts when I disagree with something he says. A recent argument came after I said calmly "that's your opinion". I am never allowed to voice my opinion or have a voice. He just blows up and then ends the conversation with "stop" or "that's enough". If I try to make any comment after that he really explodes. Basically when he says stop or that's enough it means shut up. At least that's the way it makes me feel. So then I have to say nothing. I'm afraid to say anything or it will escalate further. I don't dare. After being silent for 15 minutes or more, he then makes snide comments like, "so now your nit going to talk". There is no way to win. He is killing my spirit. It makes me want to run away.

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      Stuck in house 7 months ago

      I am so glad I found this forum..I see I am not alone who goes through this..I am from other country, I married vet..

      It was the biggest mistake in my life, I mean, to leave my family, leave my great job and satisfied all and everything what I've achieved in my life by my hard work. ..for the man who I was think loves me unconditionally..Wrong !.. He never did...Daily verbal and emotional abuse, financial and physical...I am mostly time quietly, not saying a word except asking him if he is hungry, I am always ready with the dinner, when he comes home..but simple my word makes him angry even there is not any reason for that...why with his mother to who he speak daily, does not makes him angry ? Why nobody else makes him angry in the way he is angry at me even I do not giving him any reason !!!! Just because I am alive and breathing the air?!

      Do you know what makes him angry at JUST and ONLY at ME ????

      I had contact Vera House..They knows everything..the case is registered..

      I had contact his psychiatrist and psychologist..They both knows..not too much have got changed...even they tried talk to him a very carefully..almost no longer than 1 minute and end of conversation about it because he had a million bla bla bla how our relationship is beautiful and understanding and blah blah blah about what he planing to do with me in near future and again just blah blah blah and everybody got so happy to hear it from him but nobody asking about evidence from me when he is not next me but only when he is there of course I can't infront him say how it is .. but that is only blah blah blah..not any one of actions he mentioned in front doctors !!!!!

      I spoke with his mother about he threatened me bad..

      I spoke with his sister and brother...Seems like everyone was hiding the true in front me...how he is ..My option it is and please dont judge me for that, but I do having a strong feeling that because of his mother who just wanted him get marry some a women from diferent country who will take care about her son ..because all I am allowed to do it is cleaning laundry, cooking dinner, washing dishes and keep my eye on his healthy condition especially keep my eye on his medications list and that he uses it properly that's my responsibility since last year he over took and end up in hospital twice in two months

      Seems like nobody from his family wants to talk to him about his behavior and what he did to me..but everybody act like he is superior, the best man and he looks fantastic like a model and sexy man and the only one who is wrong it's me...yes I never experienced before that own mother would do this to adult son so many compliments and he loves it and he also asking it to do from me to him but why should I ? Do I getting some compliments from him ? Nooooooooooooooooo........................................................................................and that is sad ..so sad.. How can a man loves his wife when he does not see her attractive in any ways, but he wants her to do this for him...thats wrong !!!!...and nobody from his family want's talk to me anymore..even his a distanced family from his side...He always make sure to let them all know about "HIS STORY" ..and of course they all listen to him and believe to his lies..but nobody asked me how things goes trully..but I having pictures, emails..evidence how he threatened me bad...after he hit me a many times and I had bruises on my face and arms and breast...I am in contact with my gynecologist who had seen bruise on my breast just before I had to get done my mammogram, so they knows also...it's dificult to get to doctor on my own, because I am not a driver and he is always with me even when I have a reguraly apoitments he is with me in the room with doctor..its a dificult to talk to someone..but mamogram was a good oportunity so I did it .. trust me it was hard for me ..

      I am unhappy, I am hurt, disappointed, humiliated, he makes me feel ashamed and foolish and stupid, without any rights, he acting like he is allowed to control everything but when it comes to me I am not allowed to work in front of house on small place of landscape as I would wish and like to do ...it's always about his instructions like I am an idiot who dont know nothing !

      It took me 3 years to figure out, that he is who is not OK..Even believe me there was times I was accused myself for his angry at me and I start to thing about myself that I am an idiot..cause he often says it ..also that someone will kill me when I will speak..

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      caroline 7 months ago

      Ive gone through most of the options from crying , losing my temper , standing up for myself etc. None of that really works Havent done the hugs and comforting as I just cant when he is so hurtful . I now use the walkng away option which seems to be working . However none of this actually improves my life and I constantly dream of a life alone. I have suggested it many times and I would follow through but he usually is the one to back down. The strange thing is he sees the reaction in a family member , same age , who is unkind to his wife in public and comments. My husband is 71 and am 68 and we have been married for 46 years. I feel so much better that I am not alone after reading this. Although it is sad to realise there is no real solution or light at the end of the tunnel. Like LollyA he can have a full range of emotions in the space of an hour but doesn't see it in himself Just sees the small thing that I have done to cause him to lose it in the first place .

      . Its the lack of respect that is the hardest to deal with. After 46 years and 2 wonderful daughters and working together running a small business together successfully , small things that are not important are what is causing our marriage to fall apart.

      Thanks for listening

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      kbenson 8 months ago

      The way to deal with a partner who comes at you with anger all the time is to get away from them once and for all! They don't change, in fact, the more abuse they get away with, the more anger grows within them. I was married to a very angry man for 15 years, it only got worse as time went by. HE left me 5 years ago and turned my world upside down, I will never be the same. Yet to this day, he still can't stop being angry with me, over NOTHING. I never did anything but love him unconditionally! His anger is within him. Don't waste your life, your sanity, your self-esteem trying to make excuses for the abusive behavior.

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      Natashia 8 months ago

      Thank you so much. This article helps me ti understand my husband's anger better. I also know that I don't help much by feeding the anger.

      Me and my husband has been together for 12 years. The past 4 years has been bad and I have decided to work on our relationship, if i start the effort Im sure we can turn things around. He has alot off anger and I know 90% of it is because of our past. I try to be calm and I make more efforts. I also understand that sometimes he is not always angry with me but take it out on me. All I wanna do is support him and help him feel valued, that us why I needed to know how to act when he is angry. I will definitely take this as a mans point of view to understand surcumstances better and to not get angry when he is angry.

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      Fortuna 8 months ago

      I liked this article, although I would have appreciated tips about how to ENFORCE boundaries once set bc that is the part that matters and, sadly, is missing from most articles. I also appreciated the reference to diet and gut health! So important! ... I voted "other" bc I have done them all at one point or another; depending on my emotional state (tiredness, stress, time of month, spiritual state etc...) at the time.

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      pumpkintea 8 months ago

      Hi, I'm having a relationship with an angry man. I used to love him very much but this particular behavior of his has been corroding my feelings. I can't see myself anymore in this relationship. It's true like some other commented here that I saw him completely different from the moment when he's loving to the when he's exploding. I was raised by two angry parents and I promised that I would have a loving environment for my kids. But what did I know? When I met him, I had a completely different image/version of his and later on he started to show his true skin. I still care for him, I know. But right now I have reached at the point when I question myself whether it's all worth it. He's been seeking help too, but it's far too long and nothing has changed. Lately he took a more serious step to deal with his issue, but I saw him exploding again today and he threw a dangerous utensil. What if next time it hits one of the kids? How will he deal with his regrets, if he has it at all? Your suggestions sound promising and beautiful. But have you got angry and throwing or hitting things that made your babies afraid of you? He said he couldn't control it and he needed some displays to release the adrenaline. But how do we know that it's a need or a way to control others under fear?

      I don't want to see the kids growing up in fear. They deserve a happy childhood. On the other hand, I also feel compassionate about his situation. Only that I'm not sure now whether I should keep going reliving my sad and bitter childhood. I really don't know how to bridge it.

      I know there's no point to whine. I might still find it hard to walk away..

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      Cyril Bihary 8 months ago from West Haven

      I am an angry husband and I approve this message.

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      Faith Ann 9 months ago

      Dear Sherry:

      I read your post with great familiarity. I was married 25 years before I finally was able to get a job, save enough money (wasnt much - but with the right attitude you can do it too) and move out. That was the right decision. That was 2 & 1/2 years ago. It was well worth it. I still love my ex & you will most likely always love your husband.

      It got to the point for me that I knew I would have a zero quality of life with him, it was worth the risk to leave.

      My life is much better now I've been able to travel internationally. I let only good nurturing people in my life ( & if I find bad apples, I show them the door!) I'm dating happily. My kids - grown now- went through hell as well & we are very close & better off.

      I wish you the best of luck my dear.... Read good books about emotionally abusive relationships, see a good counselor, surround yourself with kind and inspiring people, stay strong...

      With much love, Faith Ann

      PS: Hi Tadas; changed my email & don't check this one much, wondered why I wasn't getting messages! Miss you:-) This is a great subject isn't it -helping lots of people!

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      Debbie Braun 9 months ago

      I usually tell him right off that he's a hot tempered German with no common sense! Go get help or get the hell out of my life, I then walk away I'm a bull headed Dutch and if I'm right when he is getting upset for no reason which it's so stupid just being stupid no common sense I just walk away so many times cause I don't have the time nor effort to fight with a damn fool.

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      I love my kids 9 months ago

      He is angry with me and my kids, and I am suffering from him alot for my kids sake. I feel that I am helpless, but trying to find a job. His angry on me these days ans ( mostly always) he is forcing me to find job, which I am looking for and from the other hand worry about my kids too. don't know what to do. He grew up in a family with angry environment, mostly from his father who treated me in a very bad way too.

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      Aina 9 months ago

      Hi, I have read your article.

      We have completed 6 years of our married life. We have one 4 years old daughter. I am tolerating my husband's anger for last 6 years.

      I always try to forgive him but now I lost my tolerance. His anger is not upto a worse argument but he also hitted me thrice. But after all these he always starts saying sorry and my heart melts down. In the starting years of our married life after every fight I started loving him. But now I lost my patience and now from my inner soul I do not forgive him. But due to all these now I feel depressed. I do not understand how to get rid from all these. Now from his very small argument, I feel a lot. Please help me to get out from all these.

      Please I do not want to ruine my married life.

      Thanks for listening

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      Sherry 9 months ago

      I have been with my husband for the last 25 years married to him for the past 18..our kids are grown and he still starts an argument for trivial little things. ..from experience I say absolutely nothing. .cause he will physically start to abuse me..he curses and says the meanness things. ..and for simple things like ..not putting out a towel for him to dry his hands..or forgetting to do one of his tasks..he shouts at me in front of anyone and anywhere. .he has done so much of bad wrong things to me...cheated on..physically beating me..and constantly verbally abuses me..I tried so many times to leave and have left but always comes back..over the years he has stop cheating and hitting but still shouts so loudly at me and then within seconds he is all normal again..this is taking a toll on me emotionally. .I cry so much..it really hurts...and then sometimes I am so irritated by the things I allow him to do..I don't think he will ever change..I just wanna run away..think I really need a time out..I try to be the best wife..I serve him with his every command and instructions and he still is never satisfied. .I love my kids so much..tried this marriage over and over for their sakes..and believe it or not I love my husband. .the thought of not being with him brings tears to my eyes..but I am really fed up now..just heart broken that he can't see how I try my best for him,our family and us..

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      Katy 9 months ago

      Depends on his level of anger but I usually have one of two responses. If he's very angry, I calmly call him out then remove myself and kids (bc frankly I find my husband to be a pain in the ass). If he's low grade long term angry (he let's one thing bother him for days), I ignore it. I just don't acknowledge his shit attitude. That angry ball inside of him is all his and frankly he's super annoying when he chooses to act like a child and not discuss things like an adult. So in true parental form, sometimes the best thing to do is ignore.

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      Carolina 10 months ago

      My husband write nasty comment that include a lot of colorful word. I respond as rational as I can...and sometimes no response at all.

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      Jiggs 10 months ago

      Been suffering for 20 years...is there a hope for me?

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      Kris f 10 months ago

      I've done and do all of the above. It started with the crying then the anger now I try and replace the hurt for myself with sympathy

      for him

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      confused 10 months ago

      my husbands anger issues start with his drinking and ends with my husband is totally passed out after a long fruitless confrontation.

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      Diane G 10 months ago

      I talk to him as little as possible. I just stay away as much as I can. Financially tied together after so many years of marriage but I stopped loving him a long time ago. Tired of being yelled at all the time. As he has aged, he has become an angry old man.

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      Joann Spahr 10 months ago

      Now that the kids have grown up and have their own life to live, his anger towards to world and everyone around him is getting worse. It seems that i am the only one to bare his rage and anger when he decides to dump it on me.

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      Mary 10 months ago

      Hi Tadas,

      I really enjoyed reading your article and I pray that it can help me. I have lost all hope for my husband's angry mood swings. He was diagnosed with Manic depression. He can become angry at anything and anyone at a snap of a finger. He does take meds. For his condition but it don't help. He gets mad at me for the lease little thing. I have become withdrawn into my self and my thoughts. He will not go for help. This is not leaving me with much hope as to what I should do. The only person I can and have talked to about this situation is my younger sibling. It breaks my heart that his anger has taken over his life because I have seen his gentle side and he is so beautiful when he shows this side of him. That's the side I fell in love with. We have been together for over 8 years. Seems like each day just gets worse. I wish I could say I was the cause of his anger. But I'm not. Everyone makes him mad. He has been this way since 16 years old, from what I have found out. I had no idea he was like that because I did not see that side of him till about 2 years into our relationship. I don't know what advice you can give to help, but would enjoy your input. Thank you for reading. Take care

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      Linda White 10 months ago

      He is always drunk when he loses his temper. He is very verbally abusive and accuses me of things that I haven't done and constantly fights with me and won't let me leave , I feel like I have to defend myself and fight back.

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      A. 11 months ago

      What a life we have cut out for ourselves. After reading all these posts, I feel as if I am reading my own life in each of your comments. Liz's post is especially my life. I agree with what someone else posted in that we may have such low opinion of ourselves that we allowed this abuse initially and then it just escalated out of control. I have been married for almost 30 years and if I could do it over... I would not marry him. I have put up with it for various reasons. At first, because of our children and financial reasons. I covered up for him and acted normal around others because I didn't want to expose the madness. Over the years, I have felt that just dealing with it was the right thing to do because it takes a bigger person to realize that someone is mentally sick with chemical imbalances in their brain that causes the erratic behavior and anger. I have thought about divorce many times and usually dismiss it because I realize that it is a sickness and I wouldn't want someone to leave me because of sickness. He has been on medication for years but it just doesn't work all the time. He is good to me a majority of the time so that is what I hold on to. He is an asshole in certain situations such as traffic. When in stressful situations he just goes off at the smallest thing like being downright angry that I checked a bag on the flight and now he has to wait at the baggage center. How crazy is that? He fixates on things and negativity consumes him when he thinks someone is trying to take advantage of him. Over the years, I have yelled back, remained quiet and calm, cried, etc.... you name it. Nothing works. I feel that I have already lost my dignity in front of my now grown children. (They have experienced the madness, as well). I just hope that they realize that my sacrifice was in part due to them and also the compassion that I have for someone who is sick. When I had cancer a few years ago, he was great and such a wonderful caregiver. I went into a severe depression and he was there for me. In part, that is why I am still here for him despite the psychotic episodes as I call them. My grown child is now living with us while attending graduate school and even though HE offered for her to stay with us... any little thing she does seems to infuriate him. She is a good kid and doesn't deserve this. I don't deserve this. What Liz said in her post has struck a chord in me. I must quit trying to fix everything that goes wrong. He yells and I jump to help fix the problem. No more. When he goes off the deep end about minor insignificant things, I am going to tell him that I will not be disrespected this way by someone that promised to make me happy that I married him for the rest of our lives. I am going to tell him that I will talk about whatever issue it is when he decides to quit acting like a psychopathic brat and talk rationally. I am promising myself that I will not let the madness control me and that I am not going to be a victim of his disease. I am promising myself that I will let him be responsible for his actions and I will be responsible for taking care of myself. I am promising myself that in this New Year, I will continue to love my husband as I promised in the sight of God, but I will need to take on a different role and it will be one in which I teach my husband to respect me and others. Wish me luck, pray for me to be strong... I will need it.

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      Myra 11 months ago

      I have been married for 20 years with an angry person . we have 3 kids and if I'm with him is because i have learned trough therapy how to manage his illness and his problem. Thanks God I'm not the sick one. What I can say is that he is never going to change, stupid of me, it took me years to relies that. I'm the one who change, now I'm happy merry with a angry person. The good thing about him that he is a good father for right now this what matters to me and I don't know what the future will bring my focus are my kids and my health. Thanks God I have a supporting family and friends. My business is good. My advise to the people who has been dealing with the same situation is to see if is worth it to deal with some one like that and look for help this type of people never change you have to make the change. " My compassion and Hope for everyone" Love M.

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      Martha 12 months ago

      Thank you for your article, it is very helpful. I have tried to handle my husbands' anger. Most of the time I put my head down and I wait that he calm himself. Majority of times the problems is not caused or anything related to me. He just needs a comment from me about what he said or something wrong in the house to get it against me or the children. I am at the point of being tired of this, asking him to change, being good for a week or just a couple of days and it is the same over and over. He think that going to a psychiatry or psycologist is not needed. He has a lot of problems with my daughter that is a teenager and he blame her and his work for his stress and anger. She is going away with her father to study university there, where he is leaving. So, I warn my husband that because he is blaming her for the majority of his stress/anger and she is going away, he has to be dramatically different when she is gone. Otherwise he is going to see a dramatically different woman next to him. I am really tired of his mood and this is his last chance. I ask him to find a solution because I do not deserve this treatment.

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      Hannah 12 months ago

      I love foreign foods such as Indian and Japanese food, I make a lot of that for dinner but I also will make stuff that my family will eat because I know that eating different foods sometimes require an acquired taste to like it.. unfortunately , I do feel hopeless in my situation because my husband takes medication..if he doesn't take them , he will be as unpleasant as can be..no words can describe how immature, and disrespective he can be...my family doesn't help because they always side with him . If there was an argument between us and let's say my dad was called, my dad would of course, take his side ..I won't get started on my partners family...I want to do and cook what makes me happy..I can't do that when literally everyone I know is against me .. I will consider others(like my daughter or partner) happiness when it comes to whatever I do , maybe come to a compromise so everyone is happy .. but lately, my husband would throw a nasty fit and nag on me about my love for ethnic food and my desire to learn another language ... It doesn't help that he is off his meds .. I'm begging and pleading for him to get back on them.. I feel like I need to cook my desired food if he is home and pack it up , drive away somewhere just to eat it in peace .. I'm also saddened that my husband thinks that my love of foreign food will rub off on our son (whom I am currently pregnant with ) ..I'm not sure what to do....

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      Avaialable 12 months ago

      After two years of litigation I finally divorced Faith Ann. Look through these pages to see just how horrible I am, according to her. She received a more than fair settlement that was approved by the court.

      Yet, she is still harrassing me and living in the past. To all the angry men out there, just move own as fast as you can. It it always your fault. There might just be some psycho wives out there that you stumbled upon!

      Kids are taken care of and at age 56 I am off to a better life. Advice, when it's over, it's over. Your potential next wife is waiting in line! Too funny.

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      TryingToBeStrong 12 months ago

      Dear tadasland,

      You said in your post to apologize if you if did something to trigger is anger. Well of course if he lashed out at me I had did play a role big or small in triggering that anger button. well let say I allowed the kids a piece of chocolate two days in a row. And the outburst is just do to that. Then he verbally abuses you. Do you still go and apologize for triggering his anger? Well I called him sick in return for the vernal abuse and then ignored him for days. Then I came across your post. Which I thought was really meaningful. You sounded like you knew what you were talking about. So then I decided that I needed to make an effort as I do have a hand in triggering his anger. I didn't exactly apologize but asked him if he was willing to talk it through now. But he totally refused. Looks like he thinks I was playing the mind game he plays all the time. I ignored him for days and finally I wanted to give in and initiated something. Looks like that was a mistake. What do I do now?

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      Fee 13 months ago

      He's always angry no matter what i try. I've prayed and prayed and talked to him in the softest and calmed voice. He's still angry. Yet when he's in public he treats people so nice. He says hi to everyone he knows. He smiles at the ladies and greets them with a nod. But yet he yells at me and is always looking at me like i did something wrong.

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      JB 13 months ago

      I read your article but still feel lost. I feel like I try multiple ways to deal with my husbands anger but nothing helps. I tell him I won't tolerate disrespect. He admits he is wrong but as soon as he gets mad again he is disrespectful to me as if the I'm sorry and I won't do it again never meant anything anyways. He makes every effort to ignore me, hurt me with words, and has even made threats to harm me at times. The things he gets mad at are trivial things like I use a word in a statement that he doesn't like or takes literal even when the statement is never used in a literal sense. It's awful living with my husband at times. He never takes responsibility for his actions. He tells me why he did or said what he said usually something I supposedly did wrong or an irrational thought about the subject and then says he's sorry and expects everything to be better. When I start asking him what he plans to do to handle it better for next time he ignores me for a while and the more I try to get a real response that has meaning out of him he ends up getting made at me again and treats me exactly the way he just apologized for all over again. It is a vicious cycle. I am a kind, understanding, and forgiving person and want to have all of those things for my husband but I feel like he takes advantage of this and uses this as an opportunity to continue his abusive behavior.

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      SB 13 months ago

      Thank you for encouraging words. I've been married to an angry man for 52 years, 30 of which were up and down. He's now 70 and mad all the time. We haven't made love in 10 years. He won't hold my hand when I take his. When I asked him to talk to me, he's angrier and leaves the room. He finds fault in everything I say and do. I work full time and feel sad that our marriage relationship has deteriorated so. He is an alcoholic (8-10 beers every night). He's been fired from his last 4 jobs due to his anger issues with people in higher authority. I don't want a divorce but need guidance. Thank you.

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      Freya56 13 months ago

      I am going to add some of the incedents over 33 years of marriage, His first three days home from the US navys submarine service where to be blunt hell because he did not feel he was being treated fairly by me, his father or the community we lived. We were hoping his return would be a cooperation for every one .

      Nobody wanted him coming home with the idea that even though there was a contract that gave him rights at work upon his reinstating. He came back with more seniority than 60 percent of the plant giving him rights, to jobs, shifts, he could take or refuse none 100 percent weekends and holidays forcing lower seniority to work them. even the slots for a vacation was such that lesser Seniority had to take what was left no matter what the need was.

      I managed to coerce. my husbands cooperation from his third day home June 1st 1985 to November 6th 2001, by promising a sex life, home life that if he kept disruption in the community to nothing because of what he wanted Within two years this Idea fell apart after the Vacation trip to Rome i went on and persuaded him with the promise that any timer, any where and any way he wanted I would be the wife he wanted and a travel companion. Everyone arrived home including the newly weds that I had begged him to give his vacation up for them was supposed to be the first vacation or leave time since 1976 when he got out of the Army 11 years before. everybody deplaned at the airport feeling good about the time in Rome. We had bought a peace offering, back as a way to start a dialog about the time he should consider for the three weeks he had given up to let the younger seniority go to get married. We were still going through customs when the argument with my husband started, He was getting our things into the van faster than they could go through them so i was sent through the line first to find out what was his hurry since we thought he was going to work at three that afternoon. we wanted to go to breakfast, give him the gift we bought, a new pair of boots that we found out on the US market was worth 2000. We wanted to ask him about a vacation spot choice in the tropics starting thee day after the Christmas shutdown, We discovered that was not his plan. He had his cloths a small bage with underwear and his seabag packed with tent sleeping bags and mats already in the back of the van. he was just planning to take everyone to his fathers and let them disperse from there as we headed west. I was crying by this point. begging him to let our good feeling go from Rome. whywas he being this jerk that was going to push his right destroying other hopes. and i told him we had decided any time after the first of the year to valentines day was the best for all concerned. We could go somplace like Hawaii, the Virgin islands, the Caymans, Barbadoes we could have a romantic time on the beach someplace for three weeks, He had already researched any reservations for this time and told me just who did he have to kill to get a time at the suggested places. I was joined by the rest at this time, His father was screaming then just take his time and stay the hell home he did not need to go any where. His company usually called people in if they just stayed home without a project in the winter since the flu, colds and people were ill more often then. My husband turned on his father and told him, one more word or attempt to interfere one more time in his life he would walk the 55 miles home. He had nothing to say in his decisions.. His father was crying he was setting the plans of good friends back. I was not wanting to leave before a few months rest after returning, I wanted him to slow things down, Find solutions to this idea he had more rights just because his name was assigned a number that came before somebody elses number. I was sent home to my mothers 15 minutes latter. and this has been the fight since, his rights vs needs. its lead to people badly hurt, Me forced into sex, my husbands absolute determination he rules his life.

      I asked who was he going to be accountable. He does not try to compromise anty thing now.

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      REEBS 13 months ago

      Dear Tadasland, Some good advice here. The point about recognizing your role in triggering anger is right on. Still, the article omits an important message: physical and verbal abuse is not ok. If your partner abuses you (repeatedly) and doesn't want to do something about it (apologize, see a counselor, etc.), it's not time to think about how to help him or handle him. It's time to tell him/ her that they have crossed the line and, if it doesn't stop, to leave.

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      Dee Dee 13 months ago

      Some of this advice could bring harm of utilized. If you laugh, ignore, set boundaries & react accoedingly...you could cause that anger to erupt in physical violence against you. The best, but maybe not easiest thing to do is leave the relationship.

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      Noor 13 months ago

      Hello I have been married for8years ever since we got engaged my husband has verbally abused me i took a stand and he said he would change but he didnt i stayed with him hoping he would change after time since we didnt really know eachother that well my marriage was an arranged one thank god i fell in love with him from the beginning because honestly thats all thats stopping me from leaving my husband constantly tells me i wouldnt survive without him because he pays for everything i am thankful but he wouldnt let me finish school or work so why is he always using it against me that im a stay at home mom i have 3kids by the way he comes home from work in the summer and says whys it so hot i answer that it got cold so i turned the ac off he bursts out yelling yeah of course its cold to you your in the house while im working my ass off in the heat keep in my mind my husband has a business selling stationary office and school supplies with employess of his own so he has no need to be outdoors after we got married about a couple months in he hit me for the first time i mean really hit me not a slap or push he hit me on the face about 10 times all because i had enough of the constant fighting and threatened to leave him hes been hitting me ever since any time we get into a heated argument he always calms down and starts talking to me again without an apology i used to stand my ground and refuse to speak to him without some sort of solution but he always promises to stop but never does so i just stopped expecting him to change now i feel hopeless and despite everything still love him and cant seem to picture my life with out him especially now with 3kids any time hes not angry hes great to be around i really wish he would try atleast so i know he wants to fix our relationship

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      princy 14 months ago

      He usually use abusive words but not upon me..when he bursted out of anger he abuses the situation and become mad like a hell..but i treated him lovingly because he loves me a lot after few hours he calm down by himself only..and also apologised what he did

      He can not see me cry..and after our fights we adore each other a lot after fight we started to love each other more like a beginning of a new relationship

      He knows i donot like slang words on me so he never used that

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      John 15 months ago

      I am this angry man. I'm sitting here absolutely devastated because I drove someone so sweet in my life to the end of her rope. I just learned through a baterers intervention group that I seldom enrolled, that my anger is from a physiological disorder in the DSM. I react to stress like many of the cited here in this blog. My mind races in circles on the events that brought the stress and anything will set me off in a disproportionate rage. My wife has suffered it and I knew something was wrong, but never had an answer. She finally filed a restraining order with a no contact provision and I'm devastated. It led me to finally getting an answer because I no longer cared about having the "Label" of ABUSER! I want more than anything to share what I've learned, but cant. I believe she is filing for divorce and I'm absolutely crushed that I let this slip through my fingers. We both have verbally and physically abusive, however I think my disorder drove much of that. I would do anything to slow this disastrous train down and bring some healing to the pain that I caused. I've confessed to God and and pray everyday, but I'm afraid that I've truly drove her out of.my life forever.

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      Dianna 15 months ago

      I usually stay calm but when I feel it's called for, I yell back and state I won't put up with his behaviour, then walk away or leave the house.

      It's a learned behaviour, anger.

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      tenniel 15 months ago

      Yet another "Blame Her" article. Thus one IS a bit more subtle than usual, though.

      Whenever I read that we should ask ourselves what WE did to trigger the outburst, I know I'm dealing with someone who has never really lived under the constant threat of violence (yes, even violence that "only" includes punching walls).

      Most articles say that it is the abused party's responsibility to leave. Why on earth should we be forced out of OUR homes when the abuser is one hundred percent to blame? We should uproot ourselves and move to a shelter because abusers can't deal with the same emotions the rest of us can handle?

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      Cheryl 16 months ago

      I've been married 31 years. My husband is a intervert, very intelligent, he works in a factory,though. It always seems that if things aren't according to his Way, then he gets mad. I've had to deal with this our whole marriage. Many times I have walked on egg shells also. It's been four years now that he has decided to sleep in another room, go to work come home. Doesn't like to socialize, he watches TV, check the news on the Internet, and then goes to bed. Never wants to do anything. We do go to two different churches now, we both started out with one denomination that's how I met him, and we were at another denomination together. I feel more led to the first denomination. He was OK with it, because he doesn't have to be with me. It's been very difficult because I have gone through menopause also. Empty nest. For years I tried to get him involved in the marriage ministry at church, and involved in ballroom dancing. We love to watch dancing with the stars, but that's about as far as it went. I feel like I'm single, I never did work outside of the home, and just keep praying for change.

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      Katherine D. 16 months ago

      Been married for 9 years now. My husbands a very angry guy a lot of the time. I've tried all of the suggestions above and find that I myself have now become an angry person even though that's not how I used to be. It's getting harder and harder for me to keep my temper with him when he yells at me or the kids. I fear it may leave emotional scars on our girls and show our son that it's okay to behave like that. I know I need to work on myself with patience and to keep calm in his emotional outbursts. I just hope he helps himself, too. I'm so confused and don't know when enough is enough. I always take him back and it seems to be a repetitive situation now. Things are temporarily fixed and then it reverts back to all the yelling. It's tiring.

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      Kate 17 months ago

      A lot of times I can't walk away so I just disconnect for the conversation. You have to stay calm in the situation to be able to do that.

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      maya 19 months ago

      sir i have a terrible prblm,tat is my husband is a good person n he loves me.but when in anger his behaviour like a monstrr i jz cant handle.all the time scoulding me and saying very hurting bad words.i cant even listen in my whole life and saying bad words to my parents which is helll to me.he can not understand my feelings ...for him only his feelngs zz mttr not mine.every tym showing angr on me.when the situatn is very heatedthen tooo use to say a few wrds...like,calm downnn try to understand etc.,immmediately he calll to my parents n abuses them infront of me.is this correct?am treating his parents as mine...where as he cant.not on a particular reasn sir.he always showing anger without reason sir. what to do...sometimes i want to take my life in form of suicide..but i cant...please telll me how to change my husband. my marital status has3 yrs cmpltd yet.please give me an advise as my father..pls

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      Mritha 20 months ago

      Hi

      I am Mritha .. I am 29 years old married to a 34 years old man for 10 years now with two very young kids

      Also my husband has a very mad anger

      He tends to hit and abuse me every now and the. For very petty issues

      He also has hit his mother a several times

      Otherwise he is very good to people outside home

      Controlling his anger has become impossible for all of us in the family

      Please gimme some tips as I can't afford to lose this marriage as j have two very young kids .

      Thank u

      P.s he loves me and the kids very much and makes sure all our demands are met !!

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      Freya56 22 months ago

      The last five weeks turned into terror, On a day that's supposed to be for peace, forgiving and even understanding and love, it turned into my husband throwing a lariat around his fathers neck with the other end attached to the pommel of his saddle and him drawing down on the rest of us with his lever action 30 30 in our living room at Christmas dinner. Again it was over just trying to get my husband to just try and keep things from being so tense with his presence after 33 years nobody was used to him yet. So when he refused to be anywhere else over Christ6mas even after being offered 4000 by his father I thought about how to keep tension down over dinner. So I made up a plate for him. The first real Christmas meal hes had in 33 years not sandwiches at his work gate or rehab or MREs up at high range like last year. I nearly was not allowed to come home over that. I had gone back to help his father and mother over Christmas dinner, and his father expressly told him he was not invited. my mother took me to the airport after my husband took our son and rode off angry I was going to spend the time with my friends in the Mid west.

      This year they were coming here, We tried everything to figure out something my husband wanted. Thought he was wanting a vacation trip because it was a thorn in every ones side the last 33 years. To be a continued thorn unless I was going with our son he was staying home. So I thought I could give him his dinner and tell him to go out to the pole barn to eat. It ended up in my face. The resulting fight to throw him out of his house was epic. Bruises sprains and threats with fire arms. got him out on our deck with the warning he would be hurt if he came back before the dinner was finished, he could have what was left in the usual sandwich, His mother came in and said we had better get him back in and then with a shocked look aske4d me where he kept his rifle. I realized it was in his safe in the pole barn with its ammunition. We went out to bring him back in but before we could his horse Bart kicked the front door open a lariat looped around his fathers neck and my husbands 30 30 was pointed at us. He made 2 thirds of our guest leave hungry including his father. It was the most hurtful Christmas when my husband took his own plate and what he wanted and told me I was free to leave with everyone else. I just can't figure anything that will get my husband happy and keep my friends. He cares less about them. Now the marshalls put a two year ankle tracer on me and I am up at high range for the next two years. a lonely peoples place. Two days by horse and 45 minuts by Heilo,

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      Crystal 23 months ago

      Wrote here about 3 months ago, when I gave up on my husband and left him and took the kids to my parents after tolerating his anger issues for good 9 years. My hard headed husband did come to his senses and came to pick us up back home. Sat with our parents discussed the issue and agreed to change himself. Gradually things have gotten better. He has not lost his temper since etc. We are more closer than before. The only big issue and it's eating me is that he has totally isolated himself from my side of the family. Now we only have my side of the family near us. His family is all too far away. But I have continued my relations with them via phone/messages etc. When they visit us I do my best to keep them home and happy. But he wants to have nothing to do with my family. He has not been going to any of our family functions. People have started to notice that he has not been coming. I feel like a widow when I go without him and kids are hard to handle as they both run in their own directions. I feel too exhausted and deeply hurt that he is not coming. I talked to him told him how I feel but for no good. At first he used to say you go I have no problem I will not go simply because I cannot stand your family. I told him I would not ask him to stand people he hates so much especially because I know they do treat him well with respect. So if chooses not to that's fine. But then when I actually started going without him I realized I needed him to come for me. So I started to ask him even request him to come but yet he didn't come. Lately he has been admitting that the reason all of a sudden he doesn't want to anything to do with my family is because if I was willing to leave him then I should be willing to go without him. I always knew he was punishing me by not going. I didn't want to be vulnerable again and give him too much value so told him it was ok. But now I do not know what to do. I have missed a few gatherings simply because deep down I know that if I showed him how important it is to me that he goes he eventually will go. But I feel like the old trend is starting again where I give in and be completely submissive and then one day he decides to do something good in return and finally gives what I need. I don't have patience for him that deep anymore. I feel like giving him an ultimatum but afraid what if it messes everything up again. Please advise!

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      Nina 23 months ago

      Once my husband starts getting angry for something that I did not have a part of I just simply walk away. It tends to anger him more but it is a lot better then us both loosing our temper like when we were younger. These days it seems he is angry all the time so I just refuse to talk to him when he is like that. Many times we will talk about it later and he will say he is sorry for acting like it. We will talk it through and he says he just can't help it. I tell him he needs to learn because he is getting worse and I am getting tired. I never know when he is going to have an outburst or even why anymore. He could get mad for any reason at this point and there goes the whole day. Rest of the day he is like an old grump bear that you can't do anything with. Holidays are the worse if things don't go his way he is like a 2 year old. Yep while writing this I can see when need to do something. Get some help. Because I did the bills lastnight he went nut didn't like how I did it. Said we should have discussed it first. Went into pissed off mode, canceled everything and redid it today and I let this happen. Not good.

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      Faith Ann 24 months ago

      DEE:

      AMEN sister!

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      Dee 2 years ago

      I tried all the above and more. 28 years later, I am done. Can't get the divorce done fast enough.

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      Freya56 2 years ago

      He never received the vacations promised in 30 years of our marriage, we never normalized our marital bed, he was never able to divorce me because the state we lived in does not allow mentally ill person to be divorced. The last vacation this year he forced himself on and it resulted in his fathers laying in the hall out side our room with a broken neck. I had tried just one time for a new compromise knowing going in it was not going to be accepted after the holiday on Memorial day and when he came home after rehab, he decided within the first month after there years relearning to walk after MRSA caused his spine to shift That me, my social circle, his father had nothing ever to say about him. me or anything in our life any longer. My husband came home accusing me and everyone else of stealing 3 decades of his life. On a night I had promised his father I would go to a political fund raising event with him, my husbands mother and his fathers best friend my husband came through the door, Told me flat out I was not going unless he was, I tried to give him a 100 and begged him to pick a place to meet after the event were we would hammer out what he would be allowed now. The word allowed was the final insult, He forced me into sex that evening, His fathers best friend was thrown face first into the drive, And everyone got told what he was going to allow us. everything has come down to Its his home, his money and now his son, as I said I tried to get a compromise this year. I went with my eyes down and said in three years the vacation is to Hawaii. I said please wait since his father was not happy about the way he destroyed the traditions for holidays the previous Memorial day He wanted the 33 years of vacation traditions the way he wanted, and I said I would talk myself blue to get him included in 2018. He took the finances for this years trip away from me, told me if I figured a way to go without him don't come home to him or our nearly 2 year old son.

      I had to let him do as he pleased. I know the way my husband was abused and treated over 33 years, was not fair but I still feel a little more pateince would have worked wonders, Instead I have an angry, untrusting resentful man about not being allowed the same life others had. His father said in his hospital bed well life isn't fair is it boy, My husband said that's why he was never going to walk again, his best friend was nearly blind and other friends were crippled the last ten years, Sorry but life is not fair is it.

      I never thought that hell on earth could exist over resentment, I always thought one day there had to be a way to make up for what my husband missed. The periods of time that past were lost on everyone but my husband. Now I have been left to deal with him on my own, I just put my head down and allow what he wants when he is well. I have seen him put a shotgun in his fathers face and tell him to stay out of range of his 30 30. which is almost a half mile, I am glad my husband doesn't have a long range weapon. I have been moved 1230 miles to the west of all my friends. And most days I wish I had never agreed with his father to control my husband for privleged people.

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      Freya56 2 years ago

      I am continuing my last comment'

      Two years to the day my husband was going to push the promise I had made two years before. He had made plans to go to Rome with his vacation with the rest of us and the week before his father the same girls father her and her fiancé came to me and told me my husband just needed to stay on the job and chose a different vacation slot My husband had not had a day of since our marriage seven years before. But if he took this trip the same young girl would have not been able to go herself. So I went and used every bit of persuasion to get him to just work and let the younger seniority go. The anger that I even asked was enough to walk on. His father actually was picked up by his belt and tossed out the front door. and his mother said I think he should go so don't ask me to say anything, So I was on my knees begging him to back off and keep the peace, I did something really dumb, He hauled my bible out and made me swear if he backed down when I returned I would not say a word about the time place and location of the vacation he chose. We went to Rome and over a couple of nice dinners I was told the best time for my husbands vacation would be between January second and February 14 so it did not interfere with anyone else's need.

      I thought when I returned home it was seven months away he would wait that long and we could get things normalized in our marriage without any one being angry. I was so wrong he wanted to leave the morning we flew in for Yosemite I had bought a nice pair of boots as a peace offering. And when everyone figured out he was just going to drop and take off it was pandemonium. I was telling him of our decision for mid winter and I was told to go to hell that was the most useless time he could get because the budget would be spent on christmass and he did not want a road trip he could afford on ice. He asked me as we started for home if I was going to live up to what I swore. I said no not under the gun like this. The van left the I on the next exit, He pulled a manila envelope out in front of the whole confused group handed me a divorce filing, A bus ticket home to my mothers telling me to tell her that I was being returned the same way he received me in 1981, not a wife and certainly not married he was not going to continue keeping a thief and robber in his home with nothing to show in return.

      Cont.

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      Freya56 2 years ago

      My own book started with my marriage in 1981 to a sailor, Not one of these guys that had port calls every other month, But a submarine sailor. When he discharged he had been under water or in sequestered schools for three and a half years.

      The problems arose when he came home and went back to his UAW job and wanted to use his accrued seniority. When he returned he had more than 60 percent of the plants 7200 person work force.

      His father had many friends that had their children nieces, nephews, and other interests including sometimes themselves, my husband came home tired, seasick because he had been on a moving deck so much his inner ear wanted to make adjustments that weren't there to make. He wanted to take the 30 days he had under the contract to get things moved in and a place found for use and even have honey moon we never had 3 and a half years before. His father was angry he did not reenlist and chose to come back and as he put it disrupt the lives of all the good people there.

      I had come to that area six months before my husband came home. His father and others pleaded their case to me about my husbands return home, Told me the respect my husband had for social and political realities even from his previous service in the army was being disrespectful. His father said that his son did not respect the social hierarchy in place. I was asked when he came back to hold him in the place he was put . Within, the first hour after my husband came home him and his father were screaming at each other about his going back to work in the next few minutes. My husband was put straight on the floor on seconds. The next morning things got even worse when his father yanked him off the sofa yelling he had to get out and find a place to live.

      The first sight of my husband I had was my husband having his father pined to the ceiling straight armed telling him he was going to get some things done before he did and I was going with him after the shafting he had the day before. I went out with his mother, brother and sister pleading with my husband to not hurt his father any more. The next day after finding the place we wanted arranging for the things from South Carolina to be delivered and moved in. My husband was calling me a mercenary B**** slamming out the front door of his fathers house and went to sleep on the floor of the house we had just picked the keys up. I had just told him he needed to stay where he was put instead of bumping onto days. I begged him to let things be for just two years, and not bump this area managers 18 year old daughter to seconds. I told my husband that if he stayed put and did not cause a problem for two years that's when our marriage could start in the bedroom in peace.

      Cont

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      Sarina 2 years ago

      Just to give a little background, my husband and I met and hit it off pretty fast. I wouldn't say we had a lot in common other than partying with mutual friends in our spare time. He traveled so we didn't spend a lot of time together during the week. Six months later we were engaged, and two months after that I was pregnant. He had told me when we first got together that he was a former addict. I thought it was an honorable thing, one to tell me, but to get through something so tough in life too. I found out not much longer that he still was dabbling with pills. I basically freaked out and gave him an ultimatum in which he stopped (at least what I knew). Anyway, we planned on getting married that July; I miscarried in June. Part of me felt like it pulled us closer, but part of me felt like it was the opportunity to run. We had built a relationship based off of convenience, lies, and terrible communication. I have always felt like he was still in love with him ex girlfriend too. Not that he didn't love me, but their relationship ended on her terms; and it was no secret to everyone years later he still had feeling for her.

      We married in July 2010 and continued with the honey moon phase. In February of 2011 I found out I was pregnant again. He always traveled so we basically kept our week lives separate and the time he was home on the weekends I did not want to spend fighting; so I always stayed quiet.

      Here we are 5 years later. I'm 30 years old and I have two beautiful daughters. Life has just moved along.

      My issue now is he is angry all of the time. We both have been stressed with work, purchasing a new home, and he is taking classes. Needless to say we’re stressed with a 4 year old and 2 year old. I have been paying two house payments because he will not fix up our rental to get it rented. I ask him to do something with it and he basically tells me I should get over to the other house and do the repairs; “my hands aren’t broke”. I have had to pay a few different contractors to get things fixed and painted because he just doesn’t feel like doing it. Money isn’t an issue for him because he doesn’t and will not have anything to do with paying bills. You’d think I talked bad about his mother anytime I bring up the “Budget” word. Apparently it’s ok for him to call me lazy for not feeling like spending every waking minute of my life picking up after him and my girls, and it’s not ok for me to have a glass of wine on weeknights because he doesn’t like to drink during the week (he can’t just have one beer- he has to get hammered).

      Normally when we fight he gets mad, I attempt to talk, and he shuts down. So basically we’re strangers living under the same house for as long as he feels like ignoring the issue. I just feel like if it’s not important to him then, it’s not important. His schedule is the only one that matters (to him of course). I guess I am more of a go-with-the-flow type person so if my schedule gets mixed up it’s no big deal, but if one little thing changes for him or we are 5 minutes late, he flips out!

      He is no longer an addict to drugs, but is addicted to running. I’m glad he has chosen a healthy life style, and am surprised that it doesn’t help with getting some of his energy out. I feel like it’s one more thing to compete with though. We both run competitively, but regardless of how well I do, he always has to justify how much faster he was, or longer he ran. I could care less. I’m proud of myself, but just feel like he cannot just be happy for me, or proud. He has to be superior!

      His anger is constant and his fuse is so short these days. There have been two occasions recently where he has started in on his sarcasm and I have lashed back. I normally stay calm and pick my battles, but there have been two occasions lately where I have blown completely up! Last night I called him a Dick and said I was fed up. Like I said I normally do not handle him this way but I am so exhausted and tired of him thinking he can talk and treat me like this.

      I do not think it is ok to threaten divorce on him and to call him names. I have been completely against this because it isn’t any different than how he has treated me for the past 3 years. I just feel like I’m so completely done, and when I can’t get through to him I want him to hurt the way he hurts me. I don’t want to be like this anymore.

      I feel like there is nothing good to come out of this relationship; it’s toxic and ruined.

      How do I know when it’s really over? I feel like I deserve more. I also feel like there is nothing wrong with me wanting someone who wants more for me.

      I’m scared for my kids, but I find it sad that I would not choose the type of man my husband is for the type of man to marry my girls. I have been thinking a lot about what my life would be with a companion; a true companion.

      Any thoughts?

      Sorry for the book.

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      Faith Ann 2 years ago

      Hi Crystal:

      It's normal to feel sad when you want your husband to treat you like a queen - like you deserve- and he doesn't. It's normal to mourn the loss of a relationship. Having said that, I'm glad you have a supportive family.

      I agree with TADAS , set some boundaries and stick to them...whether you get back together or not.

      Good luck, stay strong. I'm proud of you.

      As when you set boundaries, you'll set the stage for having a chance at a good life, if he'll capitulate. You cannot have any kind of healthy union in which both partners don't listen to and respect each other.

      You go girl!

      With much love,

      Faith Ann

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      Crystal 2 years ago

      Thank you tadasland !!!! It's been over a week and he has not lost temper at me or the kids. The only issue is that he barely talks or looks at me. I might just follow his lead or be normal I guess and somewhat distant too. I don't know. But I am so glad to see the changes in him.

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      tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA

      Crystal, you have a warm and good man, inside his heart he loves you and the family more than anything. It's our unruly emotions, fueled by egos that cause us to act like fools. At night his defences relax, melatonin kicks in and he's in his more natural state emotionally… come daylight - the mask is back on to keep up appearances. After all, "we don't like to look all soft and lovey dove", that would mean that all that previous drama was for nothing. :-))) Glad it is working out for you. You made some couragous moves.

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      stillhere 2 years ago

      I freeze and just take the abuse. For survival.

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      tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA

      Oooh he sounds a bit like a drama queen, no? :-) You didn't leave each other Crystal. He's just trying to act like a big boy and show how "independent" he can be. In fact, he's probably biting his nails now or trying to drown the pain with a bottle of whiskey or something. No man with any tiny sense of conscience can feel good about himself after what he did today. Now if he really has a huge ego then he'll get even angrier now and start harrasing you for "braking up the family," but more likely he'll come to his senses and come back with some sort of gesture like "ok, fine its fine for you to come back now." But I think you're right - talk to him and draw your boundaries at that point. You'll probably win this standof because you have the kids with you. Will he change? Not if he doesn't work on it… "trying" won't cut it, he needs to have an action plan and accountability. Hang in there.

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      Crystal 2 years ago

      Thank you Faith Ann for your kind words. I really need it. We ended up leaving each other. We had a big fight and we both gave up on each other. We both said it is over. He drove me to my parents house getting out of the car was the hardest thing I had to do and I thought I couldn't leave him. I also said to him that I might not be able to leave lets go back home. But he said to get out the car. So I did. I wish I was stronger than this but sadly I am not. I am still working with staying strong and not going back to him despite he asked to get out. I wish I could somehow stop hoping for him to return to take us back home. Anyway my parents and bothers are being so supportive. And they won't let me lose my self esteem. I don't think he will come back to ask us back home as he has the highest self esteem he will choice his ego over the kids and his wife. But if he does I will only go back if he agrees to get help.

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      Faith Ann 2 years ago

      Dear Crystal

      He's not tolerating you, YOU are tolerating his unacceptable behavior. He's a control freak, & it's unreasonable for him to blow up over the data phone deal- unreasonableness is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. It ain't you, it's him.

      I recommend counseling for both of you and you alone if he won't go, This will help you understand what's going on. He wants to put you down in order to control you to get you to do what he wants, when he wants. If he beats your self esteem down enough this will work.

      This type of relationship does more harm than good.

      Sounds like his mother tolerated his crap too. Asking "did you not have his food ready" as if that's an excuse for his boorish behavior - that's absurd.

      Hey we all lose it sometimes...than the most evolved of us apologizes, which is a sign of maturity.

      You are right, trust yourself, no man should EVER call his wife a bitch!

      I feel your pain sister! I'm sorry to be so harsh, and it may take a long time and a LOT of hearing reactions like mine for you to understand completely - it did for me, or maybe you'll get it much quicker! :-)

      Stay strong, seek help in books, counseling trusted friends, focus on making good decisions.

      Otherwise, your future life and vacays will be much like this one...only they tend to get worse, that's the truth ( as I lived it).

      Doesn't mean you should give up on the marriage straight away, but it DOES mean you need to take action to stop the bleeding and see if there can be some positive change - by HIM mostly - but by you as well, so that you can have a good life together and provide a stable foundation for your children.

      You cannot be mother Theresa and tolerate his yelling while all he has to do is act like an a#*s!

      Good luck! Stay Smart! Focus on making good decisions! You CAN make positive changes girlfriend, whether you stay or not!

      Love you!

      Faith Ann

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      Crystal 2 years ago

      Good article - does make me feel a little better. So all the article out there tells you how to let go and stay calm if your partner get angry. One thing I often wonder, what do you do after the fight. My husband is a control freak but he doesn't keep a constant tab on me and never tel ls me how to dress. He does constantly tell me to do things in his way without him knowing how controlling he could be. So we are out on a vacation and staying at a beach rental house. We had no internet here but he has two phones - one personal and one work with free data. Mine however has limited data as I chose it. So he gives me his work phone and tells me not to turn on my data and use his work phone with unlimited data instead. I took some pictures with my phones. Two of them really came out good so I wanted to put them up on facebook. Unfortunately the pics I had taken were on my phone. To post them on fb from my phone I needed to turn on cellular data so I said well let me turn on cellular data and send the pics to my husband's work phone post from there. I did realize that this could flip him up if he found out I turned on my cell data. I sent the photos and forgot to save on the phone and delete the text. He sees the pics and asks why I did that despite he clearly told me not to turn on data on my phone. I explained to him that the cycle was about to renew and I have no data usage at all. Sending 2 pics wouldn't eat up much data. He got more and more angry and also said I could have just uploaded from that phone instead. Long story short I stared at him when he got too loud and stayed staring until he was done screaming and calling me stupid. This could have been the end of it. But then my mother in law came who is also on the vacation with us and asked what happened. Did I not have his food ready. I said no it has nothing to do with his food. He has the habit of screaming all the time and that's what he is doing. I know had I stayed quiet longer this wouldn't have happened. But I blew up thinking now his mother has heard him screaming. Things got out of control. I went on and on and let my feelings out in a not at all healthy way. I told his mom that every vacation we go on he finds something to fight about. He didn't try to defend himself. But he did tell his parents how he has been tolerating me. I said he controlled his sisters and now he was trying to control me. He called me a dog said I was barking and didn't know how to stop. I said talking of manner look what he has learned how he was disrespectful to me. I walked away and cried. Came back when I calmed down. I have not talked to him since. I usually calm down and act normal. Even worse sometimes I tell him to let it go and not ruin our vacation. But this time as his parents saw everything I feel humiliated and didn't feel like interacting with him at all. It's been 3 days since I haven't said anything to him. He is somewhat acting normal. But I know he won't apologize for calling him a dog. What do you usually do after your fights? I am left vulnerable and I have no idea how he is feeling does he even care anymore. If this had happened at home he'd sit there wait for him to break the ice and if I didn't come for a week he'd come and hold me right one night perhaps come for sex who knows. We never talk about things afterwards. As there is no point he become the same agree man again. What is so devastating he that he sees all his faults in me. He says he sees no point in talking to me he tried since the day one but nothing gets to me. I am so shallow while he is so deep and I could never reach there. He things I try to complete with him. While all I am trying to do is impress and please him. I have never been a fighter I am a work differences out type of person. While he seems to love fights. I don't understand why he thinks I am the bitch one. And in fact he has also called me a bitch a few times. I have often thought about leaving him but the only reason I am still with him is because I love him and deep down I think he loves me too. He is a good father too but he is not a good husband I have often told him this too.

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      tadasland 2 years ago from San Jose, CA

      oh, we all hear you here Meghan Louise... Obviously, there's something else going on (or has gone) in his life that is prompting him to be acting this way. Nearly impossible to guess here though. Yes misery likes company and so does a big ego.