How to Deal With an Angry Husband Without Sacrificing Your Dignity

Updated on October 31, 2018
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Some women compare living with an angry husband to living by an active volcano. One always lives in a constant state of alertness—always waiting for something to blow up and splatter molten lava everywhere. Even a small outburst can immediately throw one off-balance and ruin a perfectly lovely day. The one big difference between a husband and a volcano is that you can more easily move away from one of them.

However, on the other hand, a husband is also more manageable than a volcano. You can at least somewhat prepare yourself to deal with your husband to whom you've committed your life and love. I'd like to share a few things about anger from a guy's perspective, based on my own past and actions. Because, well, no one knows men better than men—after all, dogs know dogs best.

The following advice is based on the assumption that your husband's anger is directed at you, and not a politician or the electricity bill. However, for the advice to be effective, it may require you to shift your own mental perspective and, often times, your ego.

It is essential you do what is best for both of you. So, if you are ready to arm yourself with a new mindset and learn helpful skills, then read on.

Why Is My Husband So Mean to Me?

There are many reasons why your husband treats you poorly and gets angry with you for no reason. Some of these reasons have to do with underlying mental and physical issues that are not being addressed while other factors are environmental.

  • Low testosterone. While many people associate high levels of testosterone with heightened levels of anger, that behavior is associated with the abuse of steroids, not natural testosterone production. Studies have shown that men with low levels of testosterone are more irritable and prone to mood swings. Environmental factors such as diet and sleep quality can have an impact on testosterone levels. Many men suffer from low testosterone, and it commonly goes undiagnosed.
  • Low serotonin. One of the key neurotransmitters in our brain, serotonin, plays a role in emotional and mental health. If we have too little of it, we become irritable and unhappy. Much like testosterone, eating and sleeping habits can play a big role in determining serotonin levels.
  • High stress. Cortisol, the stress hormone, can lead to irritability as well as sleep and cognition problems. If your husband is experiencing severe stress at work and is not sleeping and eating properly, the high levels of cortisol can turn him into a very different person.
  • Loss of male identity and purpose. The constant grind of your husband attempting to live up to some impossible masculine ideal can wear him down. A single-minded focus on job success and earning large amounts of money can leave him feeling stressed, isolated, and lonely. He may feel that in comparison to others he is inadequate, and these feelings can manifest themselves in angry outbursts.
  • Unaddressed emotional trauma. It is also possible that your husband is dealing with some unresolved emotional issues. By trying to suppress these emotional wounds, he becomes angry and irritable.

Mental Approach for Dealing With an Angry Husband

Here are some steps to follow when it comes to handling your husband. Try to always take a calm and relaxed approach to the conflicts. It is very easy for the situation to get out of hand if you both get angry with each other.

  1. Don’t be afraid. Don't fear the anger itself. Know that anger stems from a general lack of real power. Often, it's because one doesn't have control over one’s situation. It helps to look at it as a baby’s cry, rather than a lion’s roar.
  2. Reflect on your actions. Think about whether you played any role in triggering this anger. It pays to be honest with yourself here. If you did play a role in escalating the conflict, this will require an approach of taking ownership of your actions and maybe apologizing for them if the situation calls for it. However if you didn't contribute to his anger, then your priority shifts to showing him where he misunderstood you, but not now.
  3. Know that anger is a habit. Many times, a man's anger is simply a condition—a habit triggered by the most trivial events. It’s not your fault that he has a short fuse, no matter how he may try to unintentionally (or intentionally) brainwash you into believing so. His words and actions are his own responsibilities, so never take the blame for what he does or says.
  4. Don't try to take the reins. Don't try to control your husband's anger. First things first with this, don't focus on trying to change him, because you can't. Only he can. All you can do is control how you react to it and what it does to you on your end. In other words, he can spit fire, but you can shield yourself from letting it burn you.
  5. Anger is a form of great suffering. When a man abuses a woman, he abuses himself too. Initially, anger makes a man feel powerful and in control, but it slowly burns and consumes him from within. Eventually, that stereotypical sense of "manliness" has a boomerang effect on the man's physical and spiritual health and he agonizes a great deal without ever acknowledging or letting it show. This results in a vicious cycle. If you can see it for what it is then things can seem a bit less personal and more of a lesson about the causes of human suffering.
  6. Anger is a weakness. Despite how it is often portrayed in our culture, anger is not a strength—it is a weakness. My spiritual teacher has a saying I really like on this topic, "Big dogs don't bark. They don't need to." Strong and confident men don't need to bark, only the insecure and fearful ones do. The real question should be—what is he hiding behind his anger?
  7. Humor is your best protector. When you're in a serious moment of witnessing your husband's anger, remember that laughter is the best medicine for both you and him. Think about some things that make you laugh. Here, I'll share with you one of my favorite jokes ever: "God created a man and said to him: 'Listen, I gave you two wonderful organs that will give you the ability to think and benefit the world with: a brain and a penis. But I have to admit there could be a design flaw. Very likely, there will not be enough blood flow to share between them at the same time.'" :)

Quick Tip

A man may get angry at his wife for showing emotions that he is suppressing and is afraid to show. For example, if you start crying, it may evoke the same feeling inside, and the little voice in his head may say: “Men don’t cry.” So what you may get in return is an angry outburst that will attempt to suppress your cry. At the moment it is his inner insecurities that are doing the talking, not the man who loves you.

Techniques to Deal With a Husband Who Has Temper Issues

  1. Don't put fuel into the fire. Anger has an important trait: it’s temporary. So let him be angry by himself and know that he will calm down eventually. If you put more fire into his fire, it may last for more hours or even days than it normally would have. Remember, his anger will pass but what you say to each other while arguing in the heat of the moment may leave scars forever.
  2. Wait until he's calmed down. Address his anger when he's more rational. Don’t be surprised that your husband is still angry, even when everything went according to his wish. Understand that the body is an energy system and that it takes time for that energy to settle. Usually, it takes at least 20 minutes for the adrenaline's effect to die down. When he's calm, address his irrational behavior.
  3. Set your boundaries. Set them and stick to them. The biggest mistake I see others make often is that they do not clearly define what they will be willing to tolerate. Setting boundaries and making them known to your husband is one of the most effective anger management techniques around the house.
  4. Pick your battles. The greatest generals know to only fight the battles they can win. They don’t waste their resources on the ones that they can’t. The fewer battles you fight, the more powerful the ones you decide to engage in will be. Not only will they pack a larger punch, but you will be more likely take your husband by surprise and win the ones that really matter to you. Of course, it's not about winning or losing. Rather, it's about being mindful of what issues are worth tackling vs. those that just need to blow over.
  5. Do not tolerate disrespect. This especially goes for a condescending and dismissive attitude. It’s not constructive for him, let alone for you. From a guy's perspective: a man will only mistreat a lady when no one challenges his behavior. If he knows he can get away with it, he'll say hurtful things to you to boost his ego over and over. It's a nasty business. This may sound a bit harsh, but as the old saying goes: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." So if your husband treats you like crap more than once, it's on you to put a stop to it. You can do this by letting it be known that you don't tolerate such disrespect from a man who made a vow to love you for the rest of his life. If you take the abuse over and over, you are allowing it and letting him believe it's okay. Don't tolerate this: set your boundaries.
  6. Apologize when needed. "I'm sorry." This one is such a common sense step that it’s ridiculous to even mention it here. However, it bears repeating: if you clearly played a role in escalating the conflict, then simply take responsibility for it and say "I'm sorry." Nothing melts an angry heart faster like a sincere apology. Make sure it's sincere, though and the apology is not followed by a "but." For example, "I'm so sorry to make you upset, but you earned it by leaving the dishes." If you use "but" then you negate the apology.
  7. Diet matters. What is your husband eating? Is it a lot of junk food? The importance of a good diet for good mental health cannot be stressed enough. The cliché "we are what we eat," really does ring true here. If he is consuming nutrient-deficient food (fried, processed, fatty, sugary things), then no wonder his brain is on fire. A lousy diet and especially poor gut health can make any person insane.
  • For a quick fix: introduce a ton of raw, fresh foods to your meals, exchange red meats for fish and poultry, juice veggies and local fruits (the exotic ones are too sugary), get some superfoods and blend them, drink them, also get some good supplements like vitamin B complex, good vitamin C, omega-3s, quality multivitamin, drink a ton of water and voila! Your guy's mood and irritability are bound to improve dramatically.

If nothing else works, then grab a dough roller and knock him out! I'm joking of course—this is clearly illegal and may land you in some anger management classes of your own. On the other hand, he may have an anger disorder or some other brain-related conditions that must be addressed by a professional. Perhaps you can convince him to seek some help from a mental health professional.

General Advice on Dealing With Your Angry Husband

  • Don't get angry in response. It is not wise to get angry in response to your husband's anger. If you weather his verbal onslaught and remain relaxed and calm, he will likely be embarrassed about his behavior, reflect on it to correct it, and respect you even more. Think of a time when you were insufferable, but in turn, someone dealt with your emotionally charged state peacefully and professionally. Didn’t you secretly leave with a great amount of admiration for that individual when all the things were said and done?
  • Know when to walk away. You need to make difficult decisions if they are called for. If all else fails and your husband is making your life too miserable, the bad outweighs the good, he's not the man you married, or you just aren't happy, then you have a difficult choice to make. Reassess the situation and think about whether you stay in the relationship (considering emotional attachment, kids, property, and so forth) or do you make a choice to let bygones be bygones and move on in search for a better quality of life. Remember, an abusive relationship does not serve anyone’s interests. When there’s a lot of anger in the house, everyone suffers: you, your husband, your kids, even your pets.
  • Reflection is key. Some Eastern philosophies have explored anger in depth and advise us to follow the way of developing awareness and avoiding automatic reactions to anger. We are advised to takr a better look at why that person is angry. Buddha’s words were: “By looking deeply you'll be able to identify the reasons that led to the person’s anger. If you see that you bear responsibility for angering the person, you'll accept that your own misconduct contributed to their anger and won't get angry in exchange. If you are without blame, then you can try to see why that person has misinterpreted you. Then you can find a way to help him understand your true motives. By doing this, you are going to stay clear of causing more suffering to oneself and the other person.”
  • Compassion is crucial. If you are a beacon of patience and compassion around the house, you can convince your husband to believe that only compassion towards each other will save and sustain the relationship. Compassion is the elixir of life that heals all wounds and lifts all spirits to new heights. Let's strive for it.

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This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2012 Mateus Brava

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    • profile image

      Anna Roosevelt 

      2 days ago

      Lena, your post really touched me, your husband's bahaviour is so similar to mine! He considers that he never starts fights, he reacts in response to something he considers an attack from me. And when it starts there are no limit to below the belt words that he spits. I mean everything passes, nothing is off limit. I'm a f#$& b#$, a cochroach you can step on, disgusting, inferior, crazy, a thing that he doesn't even need to listen to.....

      Contrairely to you I can't respond calmly or leave. I used to be destroyed by this, but now I also just feel empty, except that I can't sleep. He has no problem sleeping or getting on with his day. He never apologizes for it either. And it's always me who tries to talk to him, while he just rejects me. At some point things return to normal and he becomes loving again. When we don't fight, he's the one who tells me that he loves me more.

      When things calm down, he makes efforts for the relationship and for me. It's as if he was a different person. He never yells at me for "nothing" like typical abusers and little issues couples generally have are resolved respectfully and he's able to apologize. These ugly outburts happen when he feels disrespected and attacked by me.

      We have a baby and a house together, otherwise I would have left him. Maybe one day I will. I feel so weak. And yes, people have a very good opinion of him, those who don't know him. Those who know don't understand me.

      Don't know if you'll read my message. Hugs to you. I guess the best thing to do is to let him with his anger and take care of yourself.

    • profile image

      Jessica W 

      5 days ago

      When my husband raises his voice or is short tempered and loses his cool, I usually over analyze what is wrong with me and why I either caused his anger (stupid I know) or why I’m upset by it (again doesn’t help me because I’m taking blame) and I always wonder what I should have said or done differently to prevent it.

      Most times he will just bark out his feeling without thinking about it. I’ve spent many hours of my life trying to figure out how to phrase thing so he won’t just bark at me. But it doesn’t always help at all

      He experienced a lot of trauma as a child with a mentally and physically abusive mother who would beat him and constantly yell and criticize. His father would turn a blind eye or would vent to him without taking action to stop it.

      My husband will often imagine he asked me a question and that I responded when he hadn’t. A lot of time he will get angry because even with our children as witnesses we will say he never asked that or we never said that. But this angers him more because he feels like we are picking on him

      He also gets mad at me when I try to get him to see yelling at the kids isn’t the best option. Or when I try to get him to see why they may have done something the way they did. He barks at me that I always take their side. Even though most times I’m not. Just trying to get him more perspective. This always backfires.

      Life sucks for me. Been dealing with this since we got married in 1998. I’ve been trying to stick it out. But thebokder I get the less I want to.

    • profile image

      H: Three times I have hurt 

      5 days ago

      H; Three time I have hurt for trying to keep my husband from things he wanted both in his work and in the community as well as the use of the only thing I had to offer as a reward for his hoped for willing cooperation which for some reason was never achieved but had to be forced in ways from having a local judge issue a order from his bench overriding the local UAW contract where he worked Especially in my husbands and His Ex military friends cases To Keep them from bullying the workforce with their high seniorities and just taking what they wanted in Vacation time, holidays they wanted off. weekends off that were not 100 percent work for the departments even though from his second year back we always tried to get him to use options that were available to him to replace the Holidays with Personal time, and take his vacation time any time from the Day after The holiday shutdown when everyone else was coming back he could start his time off and basically take two months off two years after his return from a military leave in the navy. That was 1987.

      By 2009 he had Five weeks vacation coming with an equal amount of personal time and we were still trying to get him to take the first three months of the year off and let lesser seniority have the summers off and the holidays . Just keep everyone happy and we could think of ways to make up for the times he was being made to give up based on his seniority. We could go on Vacations to The tropics out of a Mid west winter. All he had to do was not be so angry he was not getting his way about going to Europe with me every three years in late spring or summer in The Tri year family and friend vacations. He would remind any time the sun touched his skin he just burned so why would he want a vacation in the tropics that would tear his hide off after not seeing much of the sun in 19 years by the time we were married that long in 1999/2000 So to stop him from killing other lower seniority plans to pieces over the Milliniall celebrations we were going to spend in Bavaria. I Had tried to get him to just take automatically the time after the Holiday shutdown instead of defy his father and friends about going himself he had his flight and intended we were going to share a room and bed the first time since before our wedding in 1982 I was telling him we could come up with a plan to do something after the first of the century that he did not have to press his rights under the seniority and force his father to get his friend on the county bench to again override the contract and force him in on the holiday in the best interest of the community.

      By the time we left two deputies were knocked out and he was tassed to his knees by two other deputies and the names he called me and his family as well as friends waiting there for the airport shuttle because he was not getting the Millinial off when his seniority was the highest in the department with 24 years by that time He was just going to be taken by Deputies to work from 3 pm to 730 AM from the 23 of December to the 8th three days after his 45th birthday when we were coming back to find something we could offer that was going to be satisfactory to replace the 15 days he had planned to be in Bavaria and the holidays when we called his local union president on the 3rd. We discovered he was causing havoc throughout his union job and even with the sheriffs department and the county judiciary having so many complaints flying up so many ladders every one turn into cowards. The Sheriff was Going to Resign for my husband rights not being given to him through his office, The Judge was removed in cuffs after my husband and others dug up so much dirt on him. His local union president was having to resign and retire because he had tried to get a solution by negotiation between my husband and the court instead of sticking it to the community and throwing the Unions resources behind my husband and others, we were coming home to much of the communities Upper crust being bought to its knees all because my husband did not want his options to be used as replacement for his rights. and when he picked me and his family up in his Suburban his displeasure about me interfering in his rights and not allowing a sex life until I deamed he had earned it was evident in the Christmas gift he had for me in the back of the suburban. It was awful and had to be dumped before we even left the airport since it was dog leavings he had boxed and wrapped. The note said the sum total of what our marriage was worth. He had even worse waiting for his mother and father when we got to their house In a wagon wheel cemented in their yard complete with raw hide wrist ties at 10 and 2 and he's daring his father to beat him on the wheel like the uppity slave he was It had his mother crying so hard that on the 45 year since his birth that was what he considered us. Nothing but slave beating masters, because he was not getting his seniority rights as everyone else had the same right to but we had removed his. I saw her sister take her home with her. His father just got angry yelling just because he was not man enough to do what was right by others we had to take the brunt of his hatered over not getting his way I had comeback with a plan to Have the first three days back as his birthday, the next day Christmas and the third day on the 7th the New year celebration just without the fireworks the evening in celebrations just a private bottle of Dom in the way of apology on the straights of Mackinack at a Jackuzii B and B . It was just a short four hour drive north. There were other activity's there like Ice Sailing and snow mobiling. I just wanted the time to the 24th to be in peace. Not the hell we left in then the hell we returned to that killed any good feeling about the new century I had hoped the olive branch I was holding out in a plan for time off was enough to get some feeing of peace. He destroyed any good feeling with his obstinate idea he had to be allowed his rights under a contract. And The final time before he became ill in 2009 he was willing to murder his father and me because he still had not been allowed the rights he felt he had earned by longevity on the job or a sex life.

      I had tried many times to secure his cooperation to start a family by then but he was hurting so many in his quest for self determination All I had done for 9 years was cry and plead there had to be a solution for all including him when he threw me across a conference room and dumped my shoulder bag on the table taking the refund check I was going to give him on Christmas along with the surprise of a trip to ST Croix for five weeks starting the second of January in 2010 as the direct exchange for the trip We were taking on the Orient express that May. He tried to kill his father getting his passport back by strangling him to death over something as stupid as not getting the Vacation to Europe on the orient express he had the time and right to take.

      He Was ill by The 24th of October 2009 in rehab the next three Years due to MRSA in his spine and the complications that followed with heart surgery's, Strokes. Relearning to walk and use his hands twice in three years we would not let the rehab send him home in a wheel chair van on the holidays the next three years. Because his father felt he would just be in the way and he was just to much of an embarassment about how he felt we had kept him from his rights for 29 years. He felt a real man would have just accepted the offered options and. just left it at that. Most men would have just backed off after a few years of being forced to do as we wanted. When he came home that evening of February the Fifth I had other plans that evening and my husbands decision was that I was not going to keep them.

      He decided the evening he returned home that the only person that I was going to be with that evening was him and he came before every one in all things That I was not going to keep him as the money supply any longer with out returning what he was due in our marriage.

      My husbands bad attitude would not let him allow us to dictate any thing to him.

    • profile image

      Old Fool 

      6 days ago

      I feel numb. I don’t think someone can genuinely love a spouse and unleash so much anger and venom. It tears away my self worth. I’m usually very quiet, not talkative, etc. because I can’t pretend he hasn’t hurt me deeply. I really don’t have any option other than to take it.

    • profile image

      Callie 

      6 days ago

      Khatter: For 31 years we cold not get my husband to cooperate willingly in any facet of our social life after he came home from the Navy's submarine service He was cold towards other needs in the community. just wanted his way under the UAW contract he had lefty under before the Navy on a military leave. his return set off 24 years of trying to just get him to understand and listen that his wants under the seniority system where not what the community wanted to hear from him. That he had to temper his rights under the contract to needs of Weddings, Honey Moons, Kids time on summer vacation holidays with family and friends, That just because he wanted them for himself how would it seem if he just took them. Eventually he became tired of taking the back seat and became Very violent in trying to get around people in the community that found ways to keep him from what he wanted including me.

      The millinialls where the worst leaving and coming home from Bavaria hoping that our return with our Olive branch held out for having him work the holiday down week out of the county jail. It was jusdt to get him to stay and work without any actual charges filed or judgement rendered then when We came home our intent was to get him from his birthday the 5th to the 24th off in personal time instead Of Bavaria We would take a short driver to the Straights of Mackinak and a Jacuzzi B and B and celebrate the millinialls like troops that were deployed and coming home We even bought a very nice 1300 dollar clock in Bavaria as a Christmas gift/

      We came home to nothing but insult and he would not consider our way. Would not even open the gift we all chipped in for or look at the pictures we took. telling me that he wanted us out of his life and me dead. for not being the wife I should have been in bed for 15 years locking him out of my room to sleep on a foam mat until we decided he was being cooperative enough. I just knew the day he was allowed what he wanted was the last we would ever get from him. When he decided 13 years latter he had had enough, That he was not going to talk any thing over with any one. He decided I was not going to say no in our marriage one more time to sex and he forced it. Then he decided to take his father and his friends on head to head and they paid in hard pain. I never knew what was to happen year to year. Just knew his father and others wanted him kept in line with their agenda. of social order first. My husband eventualy bought it all crashing gown. in 2014

    • profile image

      8 days ago

      Numbness. We weren't intended to process so much negativity, anger, and agitation. Our lives weren't meant to be this way. But...they...are. What...to...do.

      When I talk about his outbursts, I sound crazy. They are real. I have shut everyone off so they don't encounter this. I've tried to make sure everything is right - it isn't enough and it will never be enough.

      I want out and have since the week after we were married, 10 years ago. I didn't listen, and I should have. He is ill (for 6 years now) and has no one but me, literally.

      I'm exhausted and I miss those I love. I miss spontaneity and laughter.

    • profile image

      Anon 

      12 days ago

      My husband is a loving man who cares for both me and our child. He does however have a short fuse, especially when our 1 year old is having a tantrum, or really clingy and upset. This is however when he needs to have a clear mind to deal with the upset baby. But instead his most common respons is to shout or get annoyed. This upsets me and him, and I know he feels bad about it later as this is a conversation we’ve had before. But I don’t want to keep having the same conversation. He’s a grown man and in my opinion should be able to keep his s**t together, especial with our child. I know my sister in law has similar feelings and issues with her husband (my husbands brother) and I feel like it stems from his upbringing.

      I usually say “stop” or “don’t shout” or just take our baby out of the room, as at the age our baby is just trying to express him self because he can’t do it by communicating yet. I understand when and how to tell my baby no if he is doinng something wrong, but my husband doesn’t, he thinks shouting back is the answer but it isn’t. I just don’t know how to get this through to him though.

    • profile image

      Hannah 

      2 weeks ago

      Brenda - You don’t have to stay! You can have a better life!

    • profile image

      Molly 

      2 weeks ago

      I need peace n calm I do not deserve to be told my family friends are not welcome in our house.He hates coming home, the kids n him walk on eggshells ( note our kids adults disagree) I am always complaining

    • profile image

      Lena 

      2 weeks ago

      I never wrote anything like this before.... but today after what happened I felt I just needed to read and write something to let it out. My husband told me that he has bad temper before we got married ad I thought it was amazing because he tried to deal with it by telling me about it. Have to say when you meet someone and you are in love you dont really pay much of attention what he says you just admire him even more because he tells you he is not perfect but with you by his side somehow he feels he can change.....

      We got married, I left my country, wonderful job, family, friends and came here to share my life with him. I wanted nice house, kids and just happy life with the man I love. And I was willing to work for everything. It didn’t happen to us.... we still leave in rented property and we are not blessed with children. I tried many times to convince him to do something more about buying our own place, he never said NO but he never actually said YES either or at least to discuss a plan of action. So it didn’t lead to anything constructive.

      We have a small business and we work together. First my husband’s bad temper outbursts were only based on our disagreement related to our business, and I always used to say to him please dont behave this way. I might have different opinion but I am not your enemy. I am your friend, please when you think I am wrong tell me but in a friendly kind of manner, not with anger. It worked to start with. We re now married for 17 years and I don’t really know what to do. Today it happened in the car. We had a fantastic time last few weeks, laughing, everything was fine, visited his father over weekend, went out, did a lot of things together, I couldn’t stop thinking to myself how wonderful everything felt.... until this afternoon. Driving back home in the car (can’t remember why) but in a very disapproving kind of voice he told me that I have to get rid of a lot of things on that top fridge shelf.... just get rid of things he said!! My answer was ok but not all of it please to what he said in kind of sarcastic manner “would you like me to help you with it”? I was meeting a friend for coffee and he suppose to drop me offf, so I asked nicely and very politely please don’t do anything while I am out as I will do it myself because I didn’t want him to get rid of things I wanted to keep. I explained that things like Harrisa paste or capers or some of Thai carry pastes are OK to keep fior a long time because when you need it once in blue moon it is nice that you have it. He told me to kill the conversation it very rude and I couldn’t understand where it was coming from. I didn’t say anything, but than I thought about everything I said to myself why? Why I am the only one who is always have to keep quiet and not to escalate things and find an excuse for him why he is angry???? So I said I didnt know why he was talking to me like that but I have cleared that fridge couple of weeks ago and I said I will do it again. I also added that he knows more than anybody how much I love clearing things it gives me great pleasure. ( and this very true I a very house proud woman, my husband doesnt do anything at home at all, but I don’t mind, I love cleaning and I never asked him to do anything!!!) What happened after this I don’t have words to discribe.... he shouted at me “ I said kill the F****** conversation !!!! Shut the F****** up!!!! He repeated it so many times and sooooo loud I think the whole world could hear him even we were in the car.... I was not scared of him but everything inside of me just felt numb,,,, he kept shouting and scrimping and I felt totally disoriented.... after he finished I said it is not normal to be like this even you feel I am very very wrong..... he stared shouting again. I wasnt scared .... I was very calm and in a calm voice I said I am sorry I made you feel so angry and it made the whole matter even worth ...... he said he doesn’t want my “sorry” he told me “to kill the conversation” and I always want to have the last say. I tried to explain it is not about last say it is about clearing the situation, clearing misunderstanding and I didn’t want to walk away go and meet my friend after what happened. He shouted again, used a lot of bad words, and I am not sure I can forget and forgive again now. It happened before but it wasn’t that bad. I don’t know what to do...I love him dearly and when things are good they are good , I thought of leaving him few times, his family absolutely adores me, my family adores him, I never shared anything negative about our relationship with anybody not even with my closest friend, but today I felt I can’t do it any longer I just need to talk to someone. He is sleeping on the sofa now, no apologies, and I am writing this and crying my eyes out... he often just fels asleep after his anger. He is not approachable when it comes to talking and resolving things, if I instigate the talks it usually ends in another angry argument, after I usually walk away, we don’t talk for 3/4 days, I cook food for us, we eat in silence, and than I start talking just for the sake of moving on because I hate been like this, it destroys me, I can’t get on with day to day life I do not like conflicts. I don’t know what to do. My family will be devasteted and will not believe me if I leave him. They think he is the best thing that ever happened to me. The same with his family. I love his parents very much. He has very complecated relationship with his mum, Outside he always speaks highly of me and a lot of my friends think that I am the luckiest woman in the world. I feel totally trapped. When it happened first time I was scared of his anger and I told him that. I am not scared anymore I told him that too and his answer was “do whatever I think I need to do” . And not so long ago he told me he is not just loves me very much but he is still in love with me...... How can you love someone and be so angry over the shelf in a silly fridge???? In the moments like today I don’t feel loved at all..... if I leave him it will be the news of 2019 because in every ones eyes we are that perfect couple. I have no idea what to do today. I cooked dinner as always after I got back, he is sleeping on the sofa, tomorrow we need to get up early and go to work together.... and is going to be tough for me, I just want to disappear to somewhere but I can’t. When we talk or argue is a better way to discribe it he is externally elaborate with his choice of words, he very strong emotionally too, it feels like talking to a steam roller.... no matter what you say he will twist it and roll it over, and I will just break in tears...... and it makes him even more angry. I know if I walk away he will not even phone once to ask how am I and it hurts me even think about it. The truth is I don’t really have anywhere to go.... don’t have a job or a place to leave or a friend I can talk to and stay with.... I know only I can make that decision. I am not a grey mouth girl, I always had respect at my previous employments and among friends for being straight talking and honest and helpful and caring. I used to run departments of people as a head of department. How did it happen? Why I can’t get heard now? My boss in a bank I worked for before nicknamed me “Iron Lady” when it came to dealing with difficult situations at work. And now in my own life I feel totally misunderstood, unheared, stomped on. Why? What did I do so wrong? Thank you for listening.

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      Liza 

      2 weeks ago

      Contact dr ozama if you need help in getting your ex lover back now or if you have been having issues have a child. Kindly email him at ozaspelltemple@gmail. com

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      Brenda 

      3 weeks ago

      I’ve been married 30 years

      And yes miserable ones.

      I don’t know why the hell I stayed so long.

      He was a lousy father never around.

      Lousy husband would use a few choice words but won’t.

      His unmarried Devorcedfriends have come first.

      Me last.

      I can’t take any more of him acting like a teenage boy he’s 56 and never grew up

      I wasted my life on this man

      He’s physically mentally absusive to me on a daily basis.

      I’ve even tryed to Kill my self 12 years ago becase of how he is towards me.

      He’s beat and choked me becase I despise his male friends.

      Their all Devorced.

      So I tell him theirs no reason he should spend so much time with them

      And he goes alflipo on me for it.

      I can’t even stand being in the same room with him anymore

      My skin craws when he touches me.

      I want to vomit.

      I want a Devorce

      Do I have grounds to file

      Need advice

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      4 weeks ago

      I love my husband so much and I don’t know why. I feel like everything I do or say sets him off. When things are bad , they are really bad. Once they are good we act like it never happened. He doesn’t understand that I can’t forget the things he does to me . Why do I let it continue and why can’t I leave him ? I feel like I’m just waiting for him to leave me or worse - hurt me . I feel dumb not being able to leave and I feel dumb having to comment and “google- mean husband”. My heart won’t follow my brain and I don’t know why I think I deserve this .

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      Dani 

      4 weeks ago

      Glad I'm not the only one who cries... Unfortunately it's added fuel to my husband's anger when I cry as a result of something mean he has said to me. I am at the point where I wonder if I love him more than he loves me. Every day I seem to do something that makes him mad. And he's never sorry about hurting my feelings. Ever. He apologized early on in our relationship, but now.... He just tells me that he's only speaking the truth, and if it hurts me, tough. As I said my crying doesn't make him realize he's gone too far, just pisses him off more. What ever happened to the man who cared about me? I'm still crazy about him, but he seems to mostly not like when I'm around. Articles like this one tell me I'm to blame for this change, and I'm prone to believe it....

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      5 weeks ago

      I feel like I can relate to just about everyone in the comments.

      Where to begin? Well. . . I question my marriage at this given moment. Ive pondered back and fourth on what to do. Ive made a few attempts to leave, and when I did I always came right back. When arguments arise im fast to listen without over talking or becoming overly exaggerated. I just listen. Looking at my marriage, I can't say that Im the the problem. For example, this past Christmas was my birthday, I worked an overnight shift into Christmas. I was soo happy and jolly (as always) but the moment I came home my husband was the total opposite. I questioned what was the problem, but to my avail "nothing." Okay! We were fixated on spending the day with his family, but because I felt like I needed to voice my opinion on not wanting the day to go that way with his pissed for who knows what reason- it got worst. I don't like being around him when he's infuriated. Most times we distance ourselves and come back two- three days later (silent treatment in the same house) and regroup. Going back to that day, he got mad and raised his voice me and tried to tell to get in the car. At that point I didn't care, I told him calmly to have fun with his family and make the best of it. He went outside after loading all the presents, and came back with the ones I purchased him and threw them all on the bed and told me, "This is why I told you not to get me anything for Christmas". I'm shanding there in silence, I glance over and see all the presents I purchased him- that dont hurt me. Then he takes his ring off and throws it on the bed, mind you this is Christmas and my birthday. I just watch as he storms off and slams the door behind him. Christmas morning was ruined, but thankfully I had my brother to talk with.

      As a firm believer in God, I am weighed heavily with the thoughts divorcing him. I feel in my heart that life will eventually go on, with or without him but do I pull that plug? I hate that this has a huge impact on me. I go to work to just try and find peace within myself- which works because Im no where in his pressence. Im not scared of him. I know hes jealous of me, he told me and truth is I dont know what for? Is it because I know how to control my emotions? Im empathetic? Im forgiving? Im nice? I care? I Love? For whatever reason I need some closure and clearity.

      By the way, this is a cycle Ive noticed and this is to merely say, he's got work that needs to be done but refuses. Im sure its just his "melon" ego of his head that wont allow him to. So I observe and consider alot in silence, for silence seems to work better for the both of us, because everytime things are addressed he only makes things worst. Do I get away? What to do?

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      Chy 

      5 weeks ago

      Im very sorry if this is offencive in any way but, i absolutly hate those results on the graph. Right now 30% of women cry in front of their husband or cry in private afterwards. That is so sad to hear, it helps shine a light that really somtimes it just shouldnt work out, for your own good... I know i am in that 30% and its time to re asses my boundry limits. Thank you.

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      Jesus knows me 

      5 weeks ago

      He says I'm controlling and am like his mom. Nope, We both had a hard upbringing. I know if it weren't for Jesus in my life, I'd been dead long ago.So I must still have something to do. Read Job in the Bible. He had a real hard time. Tempers can be deadly.

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      Anonymous 

      6 weeks ago

      There’s a lot of good points and wisdom in this article. Being compassionate, taking responsibility for your part, and living a healthy lifestyle can not be stressed enough. Encouraging your partner to seek professional help is an ok suggestion, but the best suggestion in this situation is for you to seek professional help for you.

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      •••••••••Tired and Weary••••••••• 

      6 weeks ago

      PLEASE READ IF YOU ARE CONSIDERING MARRIAGE OR IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

      My husband too has a volatile temper and at any moment can blow up. When we were dating he was as sweet as could be, he was usually calm and charming. We would go to church together and everything seemed fine. Looking back i know see red flags that I somehow overlooked.

      We are a blended family. If you think a first marriage is hard, just wait until you go through a second marriage. Very difficult indeed. I cannot say anything about his son without spouse having an explosive temper tantrum. Heaven forbid I say his son needs to do his homework instead of playing video games all day or clean his room. When his son goes to his mom's house, there are no rules or discipline. The police have been involved because of his other sibling drug use and theft. I hope that my stepson doesn't get caught up in this. I went from being able to have a sufficient savings to nothing. I used to file head of household, but now that I'm remarried I have to file joint- half of the small refund gets taken for my husband's back child support for one of his kids. He hasn't held a steady job since we married. I don't make much, but what I earn all goes to pay the house, bills, and food. When I get off work I have to cook and clean because he claims he is always busy. By the way he stopped going to church with me long ago.

      My life has been anything but easy since I remarried. I miss the inner and outer peace I had when I was single and no man to push me around. The comments in this article just reaffirm that men in general have a need to be right all the time and they seem to think us women are not entitled to have an opinion.

      I often feel regret and think about the good old days when it was just my kids and I. Please if anyone is considering marriage, I would think twice if i were you. They start out as prince charming but turn into great big toads!!! Yes, there may possibly be some good guys out there- but it seems they only exist in movies.

      There has been physical and verbal abuse. One time i did call the police but was told couldn't really do anything unless things got a lot worse.. Often i feel hopeless and just want to run away. The last time he got physically abusive, i did try to defend myself and i told him if he ever physically hurts me again that i was leaving and not coming back. I told him a husband is supposed to protect his wife not be the one to hurt her. I guess he realized that I meant it because he hasn't done that again. I also try my best to avoid being the passenger in a car when he is driving. Any little thing sets him off and he starts driving like a maniac to scare me. No self control whatsoever.

      I love my husband very much. Initially all his explosive tantrums would send me crying, but now I'm becoming more and more numb. I kept hoping that things would get better, but they haven't. I'm beginning to think that i may just need to cut my loses and walk away. A partner is someone who builds you up and not bring you down. Someone who either contributes to the household finances or chores. Not just wait for you to do more than your share. I kept hoping in my heart that maybe next year will be different, but things just get worse. Now I'm asking myself do I really want to live like this the next five years? NO!!! Do I want my kids to marry someone like my spouse? NO!!! (My father was also a very angry man with a short fuse, and i married someone like him. Now that I think of it, my maternal grandfather was also an abusive man.) Do I want my kids to think this is what a marriage is like? NO!!!

      Ephesians 5:22-33 I believe this verse does state for wives to show respect to their husbands. It also says for husbands to love their wives...something about cherish your wife.

      Anyhow, i know it is easier said than done. My chance to leave is every summer because my kids go with their father and his son goes to his mom. The last time i said i was leaving, he threatened to kill me or both of us. I'm giving myself a 6 month timeframe to see if things will improve. I'm serious this time... If no improvement then it is time for me to leave for a peaceful and solitary life. I have always believed that God should be the center, foundation of a home. This is difficult when your spouse refuses to go to church with you or pray with you. I think if these were godly men, we wouldn't be suffering like this. God help us all.

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      A'ishah Tiana 

      7 weeks ago

      I tell my husband that I will not participate in any conversation until he calms down. I remain calm and as a result he usually tends to throw something, get into a massive huff and puff of swearing and throwing insults and then walking out. When he returns he tries to put me in my place but i refuse to be put down. I apologize for my actions when I have done something to worsen or start the argument, but generally wait till he is in an emotionally stable place to understand that I won't tolerate disrespect.

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      Mariah 

      7 weeks ago

      Are you all you people crazy!? When a man blows his stack all the time, it's time to pack and leave, not come up with 10 solutions to make HIM feel okay! What the...! This is such chauvinistic crap. Women...one thing to know: you rule the world. No gets born without us!

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      Cassondra 

      7 weeks ago

      I tried to do this with my husband this weekend and he started yelling and cursing at me. He's now acting like nothing was wrong, and I'm having a hard time. I'm hurt by his actions and I can't seem to get past it. What do I do?

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      Sharee 

      7 weeks ago

      I just dont know what to do anymore. I can admit, I fuel the anger sometimes. I apologize but no matter what, its not good enough. Most of our issues are due to money and him sneaking and spending and not communicating it to me. We have these awesome talks then two weeks later, he is back at it again. Hiding, using his credit card, money we dont have to pay for things he wants. Mainly coins for his playstation. I dont work right now and he is bringing home all the money. Im actively searing for a job in my degree field. He said I could and agreed that I shouldnt take anything less. He told me I can budget it but he doesnt follow it. Now, he started vaping agian, which is another expense that we can't afford. He shuts me out and just doesn't talk to me for days. Now, he is going over a mutual friends house whose husband is deployed and helping her out whenever. We had multiple conversations and arguements about boundaries when it comes to that. This last time, he didn't open his mouth to tell me anything. She called me, only because he wasn't answering his phone and wanted him to come back over. I feel so disrespected. I haven't told her to stop calling him which I need to, but its like my own husband would hide that from me knowing how I feel about it? He just does whatever he wants whenever he wants because he likes doing it. I try to be as compassionate as possible but he walks all over me. He already doesn't have sex with me. I can admit, i have gained weight since we have been together but I look good to me! I have that confidence there. I just dont know what else to do, say, or how to act. I pray daily and read devotionals. Its all one sided though. He says he believes in God but doesn't like to prsy with me or do devotions or read the Bible. God is who we are to be connected to and I dont see him nowhere. His vices are his game, now vaping, and all his sports that he reads. Mines are God, reading, and sometimes walking. I dont have many. I just feel our marriage is falling apart after 5 years. I want us to communicate but I feel its one sided. We went to counseling about a year ago, helped some. We went to a marriage enrichment less than a month ago, helped for two weeks, and we are back, worst than before. He says that im judgy and he can't tell me things. I feel that is his way of manipulation because I have gotten so much better at understanding that he has wants and needs and I usually dont mind him getting things. All I ask is that he lets me know beforehand. He doesn't. He keeps using that lame excuse. Im venting by the way.. somehow, I hope this will make me feel better. I just want the best for our marriage. Am I wrong?

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      Elise 

      8 weeks ago

      I try to lower my voice and speak slowly and calmly and either explain my side of the argument as objectively as I can, and apologize if necessary for anything I did to make the situation worse. I’ve gotten better about doing this and then giving him space to think on my words. Usually by the time I come back to the room, he’s cooled down and apologizes for losing his temper. It doesn’t always go this well though! Other times I give him space, and then lose my temper when hours later, he’s still angry. I think it’s really helpful to focus on not letting his anger burn you!

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      Amanda 

      2 months ago

      My husband and I have been together for three and a half years, married about 2 years. Lately, I've gotten the impression from him that he's just super annoyed of me, and I really don't know what I'm doing wrong. It makes me really scared. I don't really bother him much while he's at work, usually a ‘hi’ text, or to ask him what he wants from the store, or tell him something funny our daughter did. Is it normal for men to sometime just get in moods? Or am I doing something wrong? I swear I'm not trying to piss him off or annoy him. Please help me with some recommendations for a great book or a podcast about it.

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      Anon 

      2 months ago

      Princess - maybe speak to your husband when you have time alone with him. I’ve been in that very specific situation and I’ve endured patience and frustration but if you try to understand and wait for him to understand your POV he will get there, you must understand his POV to. The advise here I think is brilliant and I’m going to try use some of the techniques. I think time away to your parents would be good as you need to have level head and give him an ultimatum to work it out.

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      princess 

      2 months ago

      I've recently been having some issues with my husband because of his mom.... I do my best to obey his mom but whatever I do is not enough for her.... so at the moment my husband is angry with me that he has sent me back home for 10 days.... please help me.... what is the best thing for me to do

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      2 months ago

      That why better dont marry alive alone happily

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      Kathy 

      2 months ago

      I point out he is being angry for no reason yet again.

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      Sick of fake people 

      3 months ago

      Gail c. If everything’s so perfect. What are you doing at this web site? Women come here for help. Not to have someone flaunt their supposed good fortune in their faces. Or is it that by looking at their relationships being so bad that’s the way it makes yours look so good to you. You’re nothing but a bully. A miserable little mind in a small person. May god bless you

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      Gail C. 

      3 months ago

      Compassion works both ways. If two adults are not involved in the relationship, then. perhaps it is time to end it. Nobody, woman or man, should be someone's slave. I don't walk on eggshells for my husband. If he has a bad day, I try to be understanding, but never at the cost of my dignity. I expect him to be understanding when I have a bad day, but not at the cost of his dignity. Luckily, my husband and I have been able to get along pretty well. He pretty much knows what I will put up with and what I will not put up with. And I know his tolerance level as well. Through our misunderstandings and fights, we have both learned and grew … learning experiences for both of us. Mind you, I'm not saying that we have not had some rocky times because we have .. but we were able to get through them. However, neither one of us tolerate being mistreated. Perhaps that is why it has worked for over 38 years.

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      hopelessly stuck 

      3 months ago

      So, at what point will the angry husband take ownership of his actions? He is an adult! When will he own up to his B.S.? I have and will continue to try all the tactics under the sun but it gets old when there is zero accountability coming from the angry husband. Wives should try this and they should try that but what is he doing to try to improve his behavior? I have over and over again expressed how his disrespect is unacceptable but I do not think it is my fault because I have "allowed it". It is comforting to a degree knowing I am not alone. However on the flip it's sad knowing how many adults can't seem to get a handle on how they handle stress, themselves, their health, whatever may be. You are a grown man, handle yourself! Granted I don't have the balls to tell my husband such. I clearly don't want to say something that will unleash the beast, again.

      Well, at very least, it feels good to vent. Thanks!

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      3 months ago

      Always angry man. Very disenchanted with life. Feels like low man in totem pole at work. Comes in the door with the proverbial little black rain cloud every day. I’ve tried everything but I walk on egg shells. It’s gotten where I don’t enjoy his company anymore. I’m pretty sick now with auto immune disease. Maybe from all the stress here at home. It’s been so hard and I feel no way out. I love him and even try to downgrade my pain so his anger isn’t fueled by my problems. Every time we are in the car together he goes on these rants. I never get to speak. There is no such thing as my feelings. I get images of opening the car door and jumping! He over eats from the time he comes home. I have made sure to let him know I’m attracted to him. I’ve fawned over him just to build him up. I even got hormones to give me a boost. I realized it isn’t me. He said it was though. He stopped wanting sex even more after I jumped through that hoop. I spend $1000 a month in groceries minimum. Yes, his body is out of whack. It is my opinion that he’s going to blow at any minute and I am on high alert at all times. I’m so tired. Today I had no potatoes for a recipe I make him for breakfast. No other suggestions were good enough so he got dressed to go spend more money so he could eat all day. (So stupid and childish)Oh yeah, money is always a problem even though he makes a 6 figure salary. (We’re in debt badly). Then he stopped and pulled something else out for breakfast. I was ready to make him anything else. Our fridge is full so there were options. Instead he pulled something out and started to cook himself. Well I finally lost it! I would do anything he asks but instead he spited me. Making me jump through more hoops is just cruel. I knew from the moment he woke that today was trouble. Sunday’s always are. Im so tired. I’ve lost hope. It’s 30 years of marriage about to go down the drain. He won’t go for counseling or to visit the doctor. If I cook healthy he goes back and shoves more food in his face anyway. He’s so bold to tell me the food I make him wasn’t what he wanted or maybe he already had something like that for lunch. How in the hell am I supposed to know that if he doesn’t tell me? I think I’ve used every tool you’ve mentioned in this article but it ultimately fails. No hugs or sweet moments to keep me going. Just a black hole. I’ve been dedicated to this train wreck forever it seems. I just don’t have the strength sometimes. I’m sick enough that there is no way I’ll make it alone. My faith in God is the only reason I stay the course. I feel used and abused. I’m so tired. I work to keep my home but I feel like I’m taken advantage of. In so many ways. In the past I did file for divorce due to his physical and verbal abuse. He for the most part never did it again. Instead it’s inuendo. A particularly undermining behavior meant to keep me off balance. It’s borderline evil. I feel ridiculous at times because I know it but I don’t dare address it. Also, occasionally he’ll send my a beautiful text on how “wonderful” I am. Later when he walks through the door I wonder who that is because his words don’t Match his behavior. How effed up is that?

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      Mimi 

      3 months ago

      I'm not married, but I have already seen some of this behavior out of my boyfriend of 2 years and was looking for ways to cope with it. It's hard for me to tell whether this is normal relationship problems or if I'm sinking deeper into a verbally abusive relationship. I began to cry reading some of the other women's comments because I can empathize, but perhaps the issues are not as extreme.

      Thank you.

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      Yelena 

      3 months ago

      Thanking you...this is great news..I have set of tools...

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      Mia 

      3 months ago

      I just had newborn with him and it’s kinda funny last year happened too when we had our daughter.. we had misunderstandings wanted to leave he called me bitch and all my family and then he hit my back then he cried with me because I had panic attack and passed out. Then we had fight again and I left to my family house taking my kids. I love him very much.. it’s just we had misunderstanding... I wish he would listen...

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      Nadine 

      3 months ago

      My hubby had a traumatic past.he is short tempered and hates my family. Always criticises me.he had squandered his money and i have to see to everthing.he repeats the same word's to me daily and it gets me down..he goes away for hours and i have no idea where he is.he doesnt communicate with me..he bottles up.he screams and pick on me all day long..he curses my family and me..i am at my wits end.

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      Gail 

      3 months ago

      Most of the arguments and his moodiness is over money. He wants to retire now but we can't afford it so he gets mad at me and accuses me of only caring about money or his paycheck. I only want to survive and not to retire and instantly lose all we worked for. It's a daily battle.

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      S0PhieM 

      4 months ago

      My husband is sweet.. Half of the time. The other half he is yelling:

      Kiss my as&**, F&* you, Fu&*^, Stupid, You don't think, You don't respect me, What about your vows?!

      He also has yelled: Bit&*h, I wish I die to be away from you, I made a mistake marrying you, You are using me!

      If I say that I'm not going to tolerate name calling, yelling, etc he says: What about your vows? You promised you will follow me, for good or worse.

      If he can't find something and I look, he yells at me saying that I don't believe him so I don't respect him.

      Once we were walking back home, it was raining, there was this dirt road up a hill, it was really dark, he demanded that I walked up the road with him even after I said there could be dangerous. He yelled at me.

      He has yelled at me in a hotel, I'm sure people in the other rooms could hear him.

      He says that he is sorry and he looks like, then he say the nasty words and name calling again, and again, and there we go again!

      I'm tired of this "I'm sorry" and then does it again. We just had an argument, I said that I tired of his "I'm sorry" and then does it again. He yelled: I'm tired of you not forgiving.

      Yeah right, am I a slave or does he thinks that he got a bill of sale for me when we got married?

      I love my husband, I'm willing to let things go, I forgive him. When is he going to stop?

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      kassie windsome 

      4 months ago

      I will try to help with his issue, when he continues to be upset, I run around trying to solve the issue, then he continues being upset and starts blaming me for the issue, then i try to explain what may hav caused the issue, then he keeps on, complaining at this point about everything he sees, then i start getting heated, and start raising my voice, and then it's me that is mad and yelling and i'm the problem at that point,. but if i stay calm and try to apease him, then i feel that im being victimized and start to defend myself , i feel rail roaded and ran over

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      Lisa 

      4 months ago

      My husband is a constant active volcano. Everything is fine and good and he often talks about how lucky he is and we are. Many days go on where everything is fine, almost idyllic. Then something changes. His voice becomes louder, his tone turns short and condescending and I feel and hear the buildup - I know something bad is coming. When he gets like that I have 2 options. I can say something like I feel you are angry, what's gong on? Sometimes that works and he diffuses, but usually it doesn't it turns into me "looking to accuse him" of doing things wrong and then he swears there is no tone - as he says it enraged. Knowing this I usually chose Option 2 silence and avoidance. I cry a lot because I do not understand what he has to be so angry about and how he go from a calm married man of 25 years to screaming for a divorce in a matter of 5 minutes over nothing. I feel like I am dealing with such a child or a drunk who you can't get through to no matter what (even though he is sober).

      But the worst are the "BIG" events. Something other than a wrong comment here and there. Recently he got upset with one of my family members and the blind rage and over the top yelling and crazy scenarios make me think - What did I marry and who is this monster?

      Sitting here in my office, hoping and praying this rage will end soon is no way to live. Even though it is not daily, when you live with someone that has such a capacity for anger it changes how I act everyday. he changed me. Thais is no way to live.

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      Jane 

      4 months ago

      My husband is always angry everything bothers him he complains about our small house not having a perfect dinner why the house is dirty he is so selfish barely helps & does nothing with kids when they were little he never prepared breakfast, packed their lunches very rarely took them to places all the load was fon me, I stoped working after my daughter was born she was very hard child to handle & she had behaviour issues. My health is very bad I have high blood pressure & high Aniexty I also experience panic attacks occasionally: he tells me he treats me like a princess when I say I want to leave he gets so angry with me. On time he punched a hole in my bathroom door. The next day he went to replace it, it’s not installed good so everytime I open my door it remind me of the insident. I never told my family about it & he always plays the nice guy when they r around. I don’t know where to go my Dad. was very abusive when I was a child & he always puts me down & makes me feel stupid. I don’t know where to go especially that I have two older kids.

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      callie 

      4 months ago

      I have read how many wives have husbands that retaliate against perceived wrongs, When in 2001 my husband refused to keep things peaceful with his father and the community, just wait two weeks and sign for a different shift and job in the new plant and let the sons of four important members of the community have the tool and repair parts crib job on midnights. I had been on my knees begging my husband to pull his bid. He knew those four friends were drug users and pushers looking for a central place to receive and deal product from. He refused to back off knowing they were not going to stand for his refusal as well as his ex military friends.

      He called me a who** after finding out in my dispare when we had to have him jailed on December 23 1999because he would not accept a judicial decision that he had to work the milliniall holiday instead of forcing lesser seniority to work.

      When the deputies tried to take him into custody he knocked two out and had to be tassed to his knees. As the dragged him to their car to be jailed and forced to work the next 11 days until the second of January. All any one wanted was that he work the holidays use other options for time off other than when everyone else wanted them When we left for Bavaria thar December 23 we were going to come back and suggest a different way he could celebrate the new century starting three days after our return to let us come up with time out of the plant he would like. Let everyone else have their plans for the new century.

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      callie 

      4 months ago

      In February 2013 I could not even get my husband to take a 100 and meet me, his mother and father, a good family friend and whoever else I could reach, and pick a place to meet us after a black tie dinner I was invited to that evening to at least try and work out the way things had been before he became so ill in 2009. It was not the years. months and even days we had tried to get him to cooperate with us about before he became ill, I was just pleading for 4 hours to have a civil conversation about expectations and what, when and how he would be worked into, things like holidays and vacations. so it was not to much of a shock to friends.

      He had decided even before he came home from rehab and a two week stay in the regional mental health after his spine was so badly eaten up by mrsa in 2009, that when he came home things were not going to be any decisions other than what he decided and nobody7 had a thing to say in what he did, when he did it and how he did what he wanted and the first one of us that tried was going to hurt for it.

      I ended up crying and hurting within 45 minutes of his coming thugh the door that evening , the dinner I had planned to go to was not going to happen, a new gown was shredded, h had been forced into sex trying to tell him the prior 3 decades were never meant to get to where they had come to, his fathers best friend was laying in the driveway with a 4x6 inch flap of skin peeked down his forehead. he tells his father he hoped his friend bleed out if he was not already dead.

      I was trying to explain to his mother that there was no longer going to be any reasoning with him. this is the kind of anger we dealt with from December 23 1999 to this day He either got his way or he was taking another pound of flesh..

      we have not reached any compromise with him in 17 years because the prior 20 years we broke every promise made to him so he decided that he no longer was listening to any, even those made in good faith.

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      Khattar 

      4 months ago

      I try to discuss

      Go to other room when things dont getsorted

      But my husband gets irritated on that also saying that i dont consider him anything in front of myself

      He starts blaming for everything going wrong in the house then i also lose my temper

      Though afterwards he cries also n says he loves me a lot

      He z dominating person

      He wants me to work also but fights wid me when something is left out in households

      Sometimes he says that he doesn’t want me to work but takes my salary also as soon it comes

      Buys me expensive things but when i buy a cheapest thing also on my own , gets angry n finds out reasons to fight wid me. Etc etc etc

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      Adrianne 

      4 months ago

      Thank you for this information. It’s so helpful to absorb thoughts from a man’s perspective when you are dealing with an angry man/husband. Your words are golden. Keep doing what you’re doing.

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      Freckled 

      4 months ago

      I have an abusive other half and i really hope this article will help me. I know i trigger his anger and so he said that is why he calls me a b*tch because i am one he said. He also demean by past, my family, my friends and bring other girls saying they are better because i was jealous of other girls and that's why the fight. It can get so bad when i react to it but i tried so hard to not give any reaction but he will say i am acting dumb or mute and started to bring in the past and when i tried to explain, he will always stick to his version and say it is always always always my issue and he deserves better.

      But not once, he wanted to break up with me. When we get better, he always say he loves me so much.

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      Anonymity 

      4 months ago

      Ahhhh these comments make me madder than my husband! I live with this anger and will not tolerate it! I give so much but I fight my ass back. I’m so exhausted from this war zone! I’ll build my army’s like a risk board then take my mission ! They won’t ever change. (Mine is just a constant battle with day to day shit, communicate people say, ummmmm when? When he’s over talking me mid sentence, and telling me I’m an idiot just for putting something in the pantry the wrong way? Didn’t sign up for this shit!

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      Sue B 

      4 months ago

      I have been married 47 years to my husband but wonder how much longer I can hold on. He has these terrible fits of angry outburst with little or no provocation. He always accuses me of lying, and if I prove I was right he really gets heated up. I can not win either way.

      He has a hearing aides for both ears but refuses to wear them. I am his biggest target for the anger, but he also has made it so bad for our grandchildren, they don't want to come over anymore.

      I stay quiet while he is on his rampage but this often makes him more angry. If I try to discuss anything with him after he calms down, he just goes off again. He never says he is sorry. He feels everyone else is wrong. It is always your fault.

      Now he is on this thing about he brings more money in the house so I should have no input to the spending.

      I worked min. wage jobs for all but 16 yrs. He was out of work for

      18 mos, in 2006, before he was forced to retire. We used up all our savings paying for Cobra insurance and keeping our selves together.

      When the savings was gone I cashed in my retirement, with a big hit of 40% for taxes, to keep going. If I remind him that is the reason I can't contribute more money to our house hold income, he said that showed how stupid I was to do that.

      I just don't know where to turn anymore.

      It is getting just so hard to take.'''''''''''''

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      Matt 

      4 months ago

      This was a great post. I don’t normally comment when I read blogs but very insightful and helpful to my situation. Thank you!

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      Kimchinoodles 

      4 months ago

      The simplest thing annoys him..like him calling me and im to busy at the momment and hes upset says we are over and we shouldnt of gotten married Blah blah same shit always..He was making my life hell i was on the verge of a mental breakdown plus i was a fresh new first time mom no sleep with PP depression and all he can ever do was make it about himself being stress.

      After him dropping uncessary hint about me not working even though i was paying for my own and baby stuff .

      I could of no longer cover rent while he made it seem that his bills was much more important..

      I talked to him about it and went to my parents house for weekend to cool off turns out he packed up his stuff ,our suff things we bought together and left the rest of our child and my stuff and left our flat that was in my name..

      Now we are seperated i feel much better mentally. And him still gets upset at a simple late return phone call..

      I use to argue back and try to explain myself but since its always about him i have decided not to say a word..

      I feel like im walking on egg shells with him and usually try not to say or dor anything to piss him off ..ya think that help nope..

      Everything i do or say that rubs him wrong he'll get upset even people in public gets him upset..

      I really wish we dated longer before getting married.. But ww are trying to work on our marriage but now hes upset for a late return phone call (i told him i was busy but he got upset and cut the phone off) and truthfully i really do care to much about giving second. Well more like third chance because im sick of his behavior ...and he still thinks the world should revolve around him.

      Ha i thought i was fully over this ..hmm YOLO

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      robby 

      5 months ago

      I withdraw into myself.

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      Donna Dolle 

      5 months ago

      My husband gets angry at the petty things; I drank out of his mother’s glass, I left a dish in the sink, I put my hands out to help him move a heavy object (that was just yesterday, you would have thought I just killed our dog). He has a booming voice and when he’s angry I have to leave the room or the house. I now have a separate bedroom and of course that makes him angrier. However, I can’t be loving to a man who is always angry at me. He does have pain issues so it is possible as is indicated here, that is where his real anger comes from.

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      Wilted rose 

      5 months ago

      We have been together fir 25 yrs. Now i become silent. Avoid him . And focus on me, my happiness and well being. I do respond back, but he makes a cruel joke or it me being stupid. I am over him

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      Freya56 

      5 months ago

      Every three years I would go on a vacation to Europe between the 1st of may to the end of June. Every three years we would dread coming back to be picked up at the airport by my husband who did not go. Not because he did not want to or did not have the vacation time or the right to the vacation slot, but because there was always somebody with better connections that wanted his vacation slot.

      The two worst was the first in june 1987 when before leaving I secured a young couple that worked in my husbands department but just did not have the seniority to take a june wedding and honey moon because my husbands seniority was in the way. So to let them go get married in Rome In had to swear and sign a notarized copy of what I swore to that any time, any way, and any where he wanted his vacation when I got back I would be a willing travel companion and sex partner since after his return from the navy I withheld sex as a reward in the future for good behavior in the community, That was in 1985.

      Just about the second my feet were out of customs coming back hes ready to head on a western road trip, with the full intension of me keeping my word to the letter.

      We had talked it over in the family and friend group after the wedding and we had decided that the best time to let him go on his vacation and not cause disruption in other plans, was after the holiday shutdown, We were going to suggest a vacation in the tropics for him and me in January.

      Instead after a fierce argument I found myself on a bus to my mothers an hour after getting back and hes acting like a Neanderthal slamming his father with his luggage for having a court order placed, requiring him to ask the court for time off the job.

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      strong in the word of God 

      5 months ago

      my husband is so different now than when he courted me. but i will not waiver...he can either stop the emotional abuse or i will not pay another bill for this house....listen and learn...these abusive men are usually men who depend on a woman to keep them...no sir! dont do it!~ either they treat us with respect or the rent/mtg or bills are not paid....watch and see how they become more docile when they realize that they will be put out of their home and you can move on...and trust God...He Loves you and does not want you to suffer....but he commands us to not be afraid...Stand Up for the Lord Thy God is with you...He gives you Strength!

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      mary rossi 

      5 months ago

      I have one question, why the angry husband never leave?

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      Amanda 

      5 months ago

      My husband and I have been together for three and a half years, married about 2 years. Lately, I've gotten the impression from him that he's just super annoyed of me, and I really don't know what I'm doing wrong. It makes me really scared. I don't really bother him much while he's at work, usually a hi text, or to ask him what he wants from the store, or tell him something funny our daughter did. Is it normal for men to sometime just get in moods? Or am I doing something wrong? I swear I'm not trying to piss him off or annoy him. Please help me with some recommendations for a great book or a podcast about it.

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      Caro 

      5 months ago

      I hate my optimism. It feels like what keeps getting me hurt. Im tired of waking up happy and thinking its a beauitful day and thinking it will be a good day or that anything good will happen. Im SO tired of planning these great productive days and then looking forward to them just to end up back in bed devastated and crying feeling hopeless day after day.

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      Cc T 

      5 months ago

      My husband is always angry with me,we been married for 22 years,I'm not financially stable.o dont know what to do.what ever i say he gets angry,saying I m a nagging person.i feel very hurt because now I decided to keep quiet .I don't know where he is having as much affair or not.i feel lonely in my marriage.

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      Freya56 

      5 months ago

      I have given up trying to deal with my husband and I am letting everyone else try and do it for themselves, most just end up crying. Either that or if they push hard enough end up in the ER. After he took what he felt was his due in 2013 as I begged and pleaded for him to stop that even after 31 years we could still find a solution, he did not have to take the sex I had denied by force. He took what he had felt was his due for supporting me by force that evening then started in on friends and his father. Who I had started out the evening waiting for them to arrive and pick me up for a black tie dinner they had invited me to.

      He had just been bought home from three years of rehab and mental health care after mrsa had caused his spine to slip and partially sever and crush his spinal cord, and he was not going to let things go back to the way things had been before mrsa, not without blood shed. We had planed a dinner for him the weekend after his return home to discuse the ways we could include him and do it without his resentment and anger over the last 31 years. we had never intended him to work everyday until he became ill to work everyday from January second 1982 to October 24th 2009. We had just tried to get him to see things our way and work the options he was given for time off in exchange of those he wanted in holidays and vacations, he had told me my sex was to high a ransom to pay fir his right of choice under seniority rules, and he started some decades before to despise me trying to get some willing cooperation and using the possibility of sex as the hope. All I was trying to do that day was try and start the process to a solution to stop the retaliations that had become common since 2000 leaving many hurt in them.

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      Courtney 

      6 months ago

      My husband is always so angry. Always. He yells at our children. He yells at me. He pulls on their arms. He is demanding of them. He calls my 2 year old a drama queen because he cries. He calls our 2 year old son an asshole.

      He is demanding of our 8 year old daughter. This is her very last week of summer break, and he demands that she learn all of her times tables in solitary confinement. That just doesn't work for her. She needs human interaction. She needs to play games to learn. I try to explain this to him, but he doesn't listen. Whenever she gets upset, she freezes, and he yanks on her arm out of anger. I tell him to stop, and he does. I tell him to never touch my kids again, and he won't for months... but then, he does it all over agin and we have to go through the same things again.

      With me, he refuses to give me more money than i absolutely need at the moment. I do not have a job right now because i cannot get one because we are currently living in a foreign country due to his job.

      I don't know what to do. I have tried to reason with him. He has asked me if i wanted a divorce and i said no. Really, i think i said no for a couple of reasons... mostly because i took a vow to be married... then, because I am not stable enough to be on my own with my two children right now. I don't have enough money saved up. . . Also, we are living in a foreign country due to his job. I try to save up a few dollars here and there, but it isn't enough to do anything. I am worried that the abused may get worse. We have been married only 9 months, but have been together almost 5 years. This anger didn't start until we moved away from my family 2 months ago, and it has progressively gotten worse.

      The kicker is he has a daughter with his ex, and his daughter and his ex can do no wrong. They are the apples of his eye. He will go to the ends of the earth for them. He believes everything that comes out of his ex's mouth, no matter how big the lie is. It makes me so upset. I just don't know what to do.

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      Jenniferchamoun 

      6 months ago

      This article is dangerous. I believe that most women here have blamed themselves, and walked on eggshells, tolerated devaluing, disrespectful treatment for years before doing a lady desperate google search, as I have, about “what next?”.

      The last thing anyone needs is to read this and feel more accountable and responsible, “cook better,..what did you do to anger him...apologize... even...Hahahaah bring spirituality into this”...THE GODS WANT YOU TO REALIZE IT IS YOUR FAULT”.... seriously this must have been written by an angry man.

      Knock it off and get with the 21st century. We now know men are actually accountable for their behaviour..,Don’t blame Eve. Look at yourselves men, your aggression, your fear of women, your jealousy of their children, and please, please, please in the lord’s name EVOLVE... If you destroy us, by taking our self worth, then who will love you??

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      Undone 

      6 months ago

      Unhappily numb,

      Please do not marry him. Things will only get worse. The embarrisement won't last, but the destruction he's doing to you will. Is living like this really better than living alone?

      I was 50 when I met my husband. I was happy I found someone who was intrested in me at that age. Now, well I understand why no one wanted him. I see the verbal abuse and manipulation now. He never revealed that part of himself to me until after I married him. At this point, I want the peace that living alone would bring.

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      Lost 

      6 months ago

      Seeing other people’s comments makes me feel not so alone in this. My husband seems to get angry over small things and he tries to control EVERYTHING in the house at times, even where to dog is sitting. He hates if our son makes noises while playing sometimes - he is 2! He is a stay at home dad with our toddler and I don’t think he ever imagined he would be there, but it was his choice! He chose to not get a job for 18 months prior to our son being born and chose to be a stay at home dad. He feels isolated and alone but refuses to go socialize or try. He pretends he doesn’t play the victim but it’s always someone else’s fault or he brings up his terrible relationship with his mother. I am usually a strong, confident woman but lately I feel emotionally numb to everything and want to give up. I am just so tired of this. He says he hasn’t changed but he has and it breaks my heart.

      It felt good to just write this and put it it in the world anonymously. Good luck to all the women out there, stay strong.

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      Dear Husband 

      6 months ago

      I can relate to all who are facing Marital issues. I am going to approach this a different way. If I thought for one moment my Husband would actually care, this is what I would tell him.

      My love,

      I cant begin to express my Love for you. You truly had me from "Hello" Just as I would our children I would gladly give my life for you. At night when we go to bed, when I ask if I can just touch your back and you yell at me, that hurts. When I try and be sexy for you and you find some way to put me down by saying how the dress looks funny on me or you dont like my hair, that hurts too. I work hard every day Monday to Fridays to help support our family, to buy you those cars you wanted, to help you pay the tickets you rack up, to pay your child support from your first marriage, remember when I traveled 800 miles to get you out of jail.. I spent 2 nights in the parking lot of that court waiting on you after i paid your $3,000 bond and to hear you say I'm selfish when I ask for a much needed bra... it leaves me speechless. Remember when I shared with you a time in my life when I was raped and left for dead? remember how I cried telling you about that? couldn't you see the hurt in my eyes... in my soul? and to hear you throw that up in my face later during an argument saying "whores deserve to be raped" That took my breath away, it stripped me of any dignity and courage I thought I had gained. Remember when I was 3 months pregnant and the Dr. took me off work? We lost everything we owned when I couldn't work.. I thought living in that motel room in the ghetto wasn't so bad, you working odd jobs to bring home one meal a day.. wasn't so bad as long as i had you. Little did i know I would wake up one morning 4 months pregnant with the motel manager pounding on the door saying our time is up because the fees weren't paid and you would be gone, all your things gone. Nothing but a $10 bill and a note that said "call a cab".. but yet how tight I held you at 6 months pregnant when you finally let me come to where you moved.. two states away? living with those people in that state was no picnic but I did it for you. I stayed even after you made me ride a bike 8 miles at 7 months pregnant to the grocery store at 9pm because you wouldn't let me use your car to calm a pregnancy craving for milk. I loved you so much that after I gave birth to our beautiful daughter, remember how sick I was. I almost died and had to be taken to surgery,.. they didn't think they could stop the bleeding.. Anyhow, I loved you so much that I stayed even after you drew your fist back at me knowing I couldn't defend myself after giving birth.. I stayed, not because I am weak or stupid but because I love you, because I am strong enough to love a man who dont love himself. Look at us now.. Our baby girl is 3.. I have my career back, bought us the new home, the car and truck you really wanted as well as a new car for me, a boat... We are very lucky and I have been humbled by the last 5 years of my life. I consider myself blessed, I only wish you would to. I dont need the starts from the sky from you but a simple "how was your day" after a long day at work would be so perfect. A "honey I love you" would put a smile so big on my face and those hands, those strong hands you have... I would love to feel them just caress my arm. That peddle stool I have you on.. If you would just step down for a moment to kiss me I would be the happiest woman. The pride you have, that's okay, you can have that but if you would just look at me like with that look, you know that tipped head and faint smile with the sweetest look in your eyes once in a while rather than a burden, that would make it all worth wile. Its okay to take off the muscles occasionally and hold me, it dosent make you any less of a man. Besides in my eyes you hung the moon. If you only knew how pure my love was for you maybe you would appreciate me just enough to say it. Men and Women take care of the one who hangs in there because their love for you is why you still have them.

      XOXO the wife of an angry man..

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      Responseforsarah 

      6 months ago

      Sarah, you need to leave him. Call a womens resource centre/shelter on your area. Even if just for support.

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      Mother-Goose 

      6 months ago

      Oh my god I feel trapped. He is extremely volatile, immature, dramatic, dishonest, very loud and obnoxious, and if I don't want to play along, or if his antics frustrate me, he turns angry. He has these tourettes-like outbursts that are merely a lack of self control; he knows the constant shrieking or hollering is unsettling but he does it anyway and tells me I have to put up with that or a bad mood. It is horribly embarrassing in public. He provokes our children and is often too physically rough, bringing them to tears with punches or jabs (he is 6', 290lb). He used to behave this way with me until I was forced to be physical in return. If I intervene he gets angry and tells me they're fine.. Clearly they are not. My literacy skills are a bit more advanced than his and he holds that against me, mocks me, or uses it to be a victim in an argument. If I try to talk to him about what is bothering me he becomes the victim, or the marytyr, depending, lashes out and tears me down until I'm in a pile on the floor sobbing. Then he mocks me for crying and calls me psychotic while my children look on in horror. It's like he speaks an entirely different language, because I try to explain a logical point in a discussion or explain something I said and he perceives it as an attack. After the mocking comes trying to explain it or justify it all or convincing me I "just took it wrong." Just today I was talking to him about a habit that bothers me. He brought the subject up and I was forthcoming about my thoughts. He approached me angrily, yelling at me, slapped my phone out of my hands, then swiped things off my nightstand onto the floor - in front of my son. When things like this happen I ache in my chest and the pain travels up my neck and into my teeth. The heaviness and anxiety lasts for days, even weeks. If I dont forgive him fast enough and act like everything is fine, round 2 begins. Some days are okay. Most days are eggshell days where I weigh every word, every expression, every heavy sigh before I allow it to be seen or heard by him. Or I act as deflection to spare my children from this lunacy and lure his rapid fire anger bursts my direction. Does he hit me? No. Some days I wish he would so I could feel justified in escaping this. I have fleeting thoughts of death. I am numb when the chaos is at a manageable level and bury myself in books, games, anything but reality. Vacations are nightmares. Birthdays, mothers day, anniversaries, usually ruined. I'm painfully lonely and crave real, deep, meaningful conversation which he is not capable of. I feel frustrated when we do talk because his rambling is empty. In addition to his comprehension problem, he is disgusted with his weight. I admit it is out of control, but I never say anything negative. He doesnt take care of himself either - showering, grooming, etc. So nope, if everything else werent bad enough - I'm not interested in sex now. More ammunition for him. The hardest part? EVERYONE outside these four walls loves him.It seems this is my life and this is all there will be. God forbid, but I swear, if anything were to happen to him or he were to leave, I will never, ever marry again.

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      Unhappily Numb 

      6 months ago

      I don’t know what to do anymore. My fiancé is draining me. He is the angriest person I know. The wind blowing the wrong way can cause him to be angry. Everything and anything can set him off. We live together. I feel trapped. I wish I were strong enough to leave him. I fear being alone because I’m 45. Too embarrassed to cancel the wedding. Constant battle in my mind about it: stay or go. Both have serious consequences. Living with him is draining. A living hell. Constantly walking on eggshells. His family knows what he’s like but my family does now. I wish I could die in my sleep. This life is too hard. Im exhausted numb depressed.

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      Exhausted Wife 

      6 months ago

      I really appreciate your article. Unfortunately, too many outburst weigh women down. I've tried to give him the time and space to be angry. The trouble is, I don't know how to keep a peaceful home. I can't change the food because that makes him angry. I can't ask for directions or use my phone for directions because that makes him angry (I am really bad at directions and this leave me feeling very stupid). I think there is a point one comes to when you just want to have a peaceful night and not feel so bad about yourself.

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      sarah 

      6 months ago

      hello my name is sarah I just got married to a 51 yr.old I am 35 I am going crazy over here he calls me names and my kids names and talks bad to hes mom .always want to video chat to see where I am at. my kids cant go no where .and he will not move out of hes mom houses we been married for 5 months now .I had it with this .gets mad at nothing tells me to let my kids go with there dad.he don't want them there.u cant talk to him about nothing he will get mad. he gos off on hes boss .hes ex left him and he stock her.and was put in jail for 1 yr..i am in Houston with no family here just my kids.and when we do go out I always pay for it.i pay for are widding .he will hit my 9 yr old and hes mom don't do nothing I tell him I am going 2 call cps on him he said so I been in jail all my life .he kick me out 1 night with my son took my car away I call the cops on him.when he is in hes mood I take off I don't want to here it. I love him a lot I don't know what to do ...

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      KT 

      6 months ago

      I feel arguing is fruitless so I listen and patiently wait for him to calm down. And then I go cry in private. We don't have a conversation about it because I'm usually disgusted with him.

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      Renee 

      6 months ago

      Thank you writing this article. You covered, all bases of why a man gets angry and how to deal. It was helpful.

      My story is a little different. My husband gets angry when things do not go his way or the way he thinks things should go and he is impatient.

      I have learned to let him vent and just nod my head, walk away and then he comes to his senses, but every once in a while, I get the verbal beating. Again, I let him vent and then he comes to his senses.

      Lately, he is critical of everything. He is so unhappy with work and it is a high stress job. I am a middle aged woman, our kids are older. Now, it seems it is affecting my heart. My heart literally aches when he gets angry.

      We have been married for a long time and I love him dearly, but I dont know how much more I can physically and mentally take. I try to be that confidante, best friend, etc., but the occassional verbal beating is wearing.

      I dont know if anyone is going to read this but it just felt good to get that of off my chest. To say something. I have been married too long to throw in the towel. We have had too many good times, and they out weigh the bad ones.

      Something needs to give.

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      Lisa 

      7 months ago

      It depends on what tiggered his angry verbally abusive outbrusts...ex. Yesterday as we left the house to car i turned to approach driver door with my dog and his leash behind me...as I was about to reach driver door I tugged on long leash to ensure my dog followed it was stuck so i walked around back of car and there was the problem...my dog wrapped the leash around my husband's legs. As I came towards him to unravel the leash he di his threatibg snarl face like a bear to demostrate he is about to explosed n doing sometging to me as well as cuss me out...

      I stayed calmed while he stood there snarling n doing nothing to untangle himself or help me untangle himself cause he had one free hand the other he was carrying his small dog in...I untangled him...then I said wipe that look off your face and dont start our day like that over a simple thing...

      I said next time you do that I'll knock that horrible snarling scary look off your face....period and gave him a hard look back...he didnt say a word and I moved on...whee dodge that exposion.

      Note, on your advice to making a joke or laugh to smooth out angry or defuse it..DONT, i tried that when we we're in the early years of our marriage, it pissed him off more and he blew up and threw a watee glass across the room at me...but that was 20 years ago..I never used that method again...running was next...now just ignoring or correcting stating NO

    • profile image

      carolyn polan 

      7 months ago

      Reading other women's stories makes me feel not so alone, but it's also so sad and honestly heartbreaking to know so many are suffering through their lives- our lives. i'm right there with ya'll. i feel so broken by his anger from nowhere, that i'm paralyzed. I used to fight back. My take on his anger is that he has a certain amount that has to come out and the only way he can access it is to enrage me so I meet his level, once I am as out of control angry he backs down. but i'm left feeling pushed. i could easily go in the other room and calm down and we could talk about the topic at hand later, when cooler heads have prevailed, but he just won't have it that way. i can't leave, i can't go in the other room. nothing. if i try he will break in and then throw something at me to get me to come out swinging. we've had a few physical rows over our 19 years together and i've never been seriously hurt. im not making excuses for him, no physicality is acceptable and he knows I feel that way. he says he feels that way too but you know "I do things to purposely irritate" him when he's angry. that means defending myself, that's what i do to purposely irritate him.

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      Undone 

      7 months ago

      It's sad to see so many of us in the same situation. I experience many of the same things with my husband as everyone else except, we have grown children who are out of the home, but want nothing to do with him because of his anger issues. Also, I don't love my husband anymore. I did when we married, but I begain to see the manipulation he uses on every person he meets. Women especially and I realized I'm just another one of his victims.

      He admits to "hating the world and the people in it, especially women." That says a lot.

      He says he's a born again christain, but his actions don't reflect that. He has a drug problem, to him it's not, refuses to apoligize for anything he's done wrong, refuses to complement ,unless it's to manipulate later, and never forgives. And will say he will hold a grudge against anyone until the day he dies. Well, a big part of his problem is his grudge holding. I see the anger just seeping out of him, it's just festering and destroying him on the inside.

      I realize these are all his choices and his problems. I refuse to take responsibility for any of that.

      I just wish I could not let is anger bother me so much.

    • profile image

      JAN 

      7 months ago

      This is meant for Debra.

      Your life is like a mirror of my life. It's hell I get it. We had no boundaries and were taken advantage of. Its not too late I have not fixed my life but I am fixing me, please go to this site I really think it will help. Dr. Cloud is a respected therapist and speaker. I hope by what you have wrote and me we can at least help those that are just starting to see these red flags and understand that THEY WILL NOT GO AWAY ONLY GET WORST. I'm putting this site on my desk top and will visit often to see if there is anyone I can help. These men need to grow up and take responsibility for their actions. I don't think they understand the consequences. https://mail.yahoo.com/d/folders/folders=1&sor...

    • profile image

      jan 

      7 months ago

      I want to say to STEPH, I have been where you are and I know how hard it is. It will not get better it will get worst. More importantly this will affect your children, I know this too, I have a 31 and 29 year old. One of them is now in a relationship where he is starting to control her just like her father did with me. She is smart girl she has a Masters and is a teacher, but yet she is avoiding red flags that she herself has said to me that she sees. The other one was afraid to have a relationship, when she was became angry with everything he did she didn't know how to communicate and she almost lost him he was a really great guy. Thank god she went to counceling. The helped her to understand what normal is and how to communicate. She avoided relationships by diving into school she has a PHD but still struggles with her relationship with us. Now she will not speak to her father, and because I am still with him I don't get to see her very often. I've tried twice both times got all the way to divorce papers being written. We've spent so much money of fighting its ridiculous. I feel like such a fool because I always think its going to get better. Holidays are pretty much ruined. And, I've been through 2 of his "I just felt bad for her" affairs, one of which lasted close to 10 years. Trust me get out know. Go to a lawyer start the ball rolling. He already know he can do what ever he wants, he has no respect for you has a person or the mother of his children. He knows that you have no boundries you have given him "the pass" to be a bad boy. He needs to know you will NOT take this anymore. It will not stop until you do something about it. Please feel free to write me I would like to help if I can.

    • profile image

      Debra 

      7 months ago

      I've been with my husband for 14 years. There was red flags in the very beginning and I ignored them. I thought he was my knight in shining armor.......not......he has accused me of cheating with every single man i have as a friend. I'm very outgoing and friendly but NOT promiscuous. I've been cheated on in relationships but never been the one who cheated. He still to this day believes i cheated and i fear will never let that go. I have offered to take a lie detector test but he refuses saying it costs to much.....he is jealous over everything i do or enjoy. Games on the computer, my phone, watching shows on tv i like, doing artwork at the dining room table, designing tshirts, etc. He resents me for having personal enjoyment that doesn't include him in some way yet all he's interested in is watching one tv show after another. I like to bowl, fish, go to the casino, bingo etc. He will do these things with me occasionally but then explode and throw them in my face and say i'm a control freak and we have to do everything i like. I'm selfish and it's all about me. Yet if it was up to him we would do nothing but watch tv for the rest of our lives.....now the past 2 years he has taken up drinking whiskey in the evenings, which intensifies his snappiness and sarcasm. I just don't talk, don't play games, watch his tv shows and wait for him to pass out which is usually fairly quickly so at least i have some peace in the evening. My stepson or his mother can do no wrong so if i dare bring up something i don't agree with i'm attacked violently then ignored for 3 days and usually threatened to be thrown out. The house is in his name only cuz my credit was messed up so basically i don't have a home cuz the minute he gets mad he can throw me out.....i decorated the entire new house we just moved into in February and in his outbursts tells me i took the house over yet tells his friends and family I did a great job. He is very mean to me. I don't see how a man can say he actually loves his wife yet treat her this way. I honestly think he hates himself therefore hates me more and blames me for his unhappiness. I think he is jealous cuz i'm a happy person and have lots of friends and i'm the same person each day. He is like dr jeckel and mr hyde.

      I'm so miserable and I honestly don't think I love him anymore. I think i'm all used up emotionally. I don't have a dime so i'm trapped.....

    • profile image

      Laura Polegato 

      7 months ago

      Hi Sad,

      I just wanted offer my thoughts on situation. First, I am sorry for the losses you’ve endured while you’re husband has been unable to support you through them. I can’t imagine. :( When you mentioned how he’s behaving I wondered if maybe he’s suffering from depression? Not to mke excuses for bad behaviour, but men often show irritability and anger in depression more than women.

      Also- if nothing else- and this goes for everyone who reads this comment- please read or listen to the audible version of DR Gary Chapman’s book called:

      The Five Love Languages: The secret to love that lasts.

      Honestly, it’s brilliant. His book is based on hundreds of hours and years of his own practice with clients. We speak different love languages and when we don’t speak the right ones we don’t feel the other person loves us. Start sealing their language and that will start to change! They are: 1. words of affirmation, 2. Physical touch (not sexual), 3. Gifts, 4. Acts of service (like doing laundry, picking up the kids for your partner, etc) 5. Quality time together.

      Seriously- absolutely the best relationship book out there!

      Alll the best to you!

    • tadasland profile imageAUTHOR

      Mateus Brava 

      7 months ago from Portland, OR

      Hi Marc, why would big strong men get angry when their "situation spirals into chaos"? Think about it. Is this the best response in a tough situation?

    • profile image

      Marc Tremonti 

      7 months ago

      Big dogs do bark. Strong and confident men do get angry, if their situation spirals into chaos. This article is a joke. Your quips are inaccurate garbage.

    • profile image

      Sad 

      7 months ago

      My husband is not the same person i married. He got mad at my mother beacuse she told him he didn't say hello to her. I tried to explain to him that she just probably just didn't hear him as she was deaf. He didn't want to understand and blamed me for it. He didn't speak to her again and she was very hurt and couldn't understand why. My mother was not well and she also lost her son to an illness but he still had no compassion. It was brutal and when i lost my brother i felt totaly alone. The following year i lost my mother. Life is not what i thought it would be. All he does is lie on the couch. If i want to do stuff he doesn't want i get blames for not doing this or that. I just don't want to be with him.

    • profile image

      Jenny2 

      7 months ago

      Hi ladies

      I would love to be in contact with some of you. I have been married for 7 years now and my husband tries to put his anger issues on me everytime. The kids the money the life everything is difficult and I am swimming in a sea of depression with ups and downs. I have a great new tool that helps me a lot so I would like to share that with u and also exchange ideas on how to keep true to ourselves. Whats most important to me... it hurts inside and it makes me so sad and unhappy. And i dont know how to not feel that way when he.is mad

    • profile image

      Steph 

      7 months ago

      I find part of this article blames the woman, as if she somehow instigates the anger towards her. Anger is within a person. No one instigates it and shouldn’t have to fear the are the cause of someone’s constant anger. My husband stopped working 9 years ago die to health. He’s been angry and bitter and depressed since then. Probably was always had been since I had met him, but his work kept it at bay. He is always blaming me for not being attentive enough, or caring enough, or a good wife. Had accused me of fooling around on him. Throws things and breaks things. Yells at the kids all the time. I can’t ever go to visit friends, or exercise outside the home, or do activities that bring me joy without bitterness and anger coming from him. I usually stop because it’s easier. If I leave he has no one. No other family members to lean on, no friends. Me and our kids are it. And then I feel guilty because of it. But I’m miserable. What I would ‘take the blame’ for is staying. Staying with someone who is disrespectful towards me. Staying where our children see an unbalanced and unhealthy relationship which to base upon in their lives. Staying where I continue the allow the behavior because it’s ‘easier’. Financially, I don’t need him. He needs me. If anyone needs compassion, it’s the people at the end of the anger. Anger is just another form of verbal abuse. Call it what it is. One day, i’ll find the strength to leave him. I hope it’s before I go insane.

    • profile image

      Lisamaya 

      7 months ago

      I am depressed. He makes me feel unworthy. I honestly do not know how to deal with it anymore, so right now i just keeping silent and praying for deliverance

    • profile image

      Jenny 

      7 months ago

      I tell him that I don't deserve to be treated that way and that If he wants to be treated respectfully, then he needs to be respectful to me. This doesn't stop him from getting angry but at least he's not taking my self esteem down with him!

    • profile image

      Carol 

      7 months ago

      I kick him out of the house and lock all doors. He never leaves, I never have the house to me only when I throw him out. Everything feels calm whe he is out of the house. He yells so loud over his own lies. He is mean and has no respect for me. He constantly takes things and when I confront him he right away get mad and screams. I think he is losing his memory or getting dementia. He is a horrible person

    • profile image

      Tired 

      7 months ago

      My partner wants peace in his life and no angry outbursts but he finds so many things that I do wrong..He is constantly picking on me .I can't go through a day without him finding fault for something that I have done. I can hardly keep up with it. The first thing I want to do is defend myself but it only leads into an escalation. I think I'm a good person but I don't feel good about myself.

    • profile image

      Shay 

      7 months ago

      I don't know what to do. Every discussion that he doesn't like leads to anger. He crosses my boundaries easily and there's nothing I can do about it. He calls me names, throws things, yells. I can't get out of the marriage. I tried once with and met another guy. I thought that guy would help. He didn't. I was berated by my church. I felt so guilty and sad. Went back to him. Now he points out I'm a cheater in front of my kids. Though it's wrong, I just want to feel loved and have a happy, healthy family, even if with someone else. I'm losing hope that will ever happen. We have kids. He makes more money. No childcare. Family doesn't help with the kids. Friends give advice to "leave him" but offer no help. I feel abandoned and alone. But I still love him. I don't know what to do.

    • profile image

      Shay 

      7 months ago

      Thank you for this. It helps me understand him better. But even though I set boundaries, he is relentlessly cruel. How can I enforce boundaries if I have nothing to enforce them with? I can't leave. He makes more money. My family doesn't help. My friends say to leave him but don't help. No one watches the kids. Every single discussion that he doesn't like turns to complete and immediate shutdown, insults, disrespect and him doing what he wants. I'm not sure how to even properly walk on eggshells around him. It just saddens me.

    • profile image

      Exhausted 

      8 months ago

      Thank you for this write up and to all the other women who've shared the emotional turmoil. To know i am not alone. To be able to talk about it.. i got married late in life ..one key factor was the my belief in marriage and no divorce. I'm in a relationship that is draining me mentally and taking away my self confidence. I am on constant alert not knowing when the next temper tantrum would be. Every action I do.. I tend to over think and do with caution. I feel as though I can't make any mistake. I'm alone in a country that's not my own and can't really speak to anyone.

    • profile image

      Lynn Kreger 

      8 months ago

      I shutdown.

    • profile image

      Laura 

      8 months ago

      I try to give him 20 mins, talk, and if all else fails make a joke that is his type of humor. I try to get him to smile. This one works for minor issues. If it's too much it will only annoy him more.

    • profile image

      dufchick 

      8 months ago

      I had to look at the date of this article to make sure it was not written in 1950. Seriously? Directions for how to deal with an angry husband? This is the most self-serving advice I have ever seen. Go ahead and blame it on everything else but what it is; mental illness that causes your partner to abuse you verbally. I have been married for more than 30 years to an extremely angry man, he knows he is screwed up but when he is in a mad rant, he is unreachable. Yes all the posts from you lovely ladies ring true for me too but never, not once, have I ever felt it was my fault, it was his diet, its misdirected or any of the other dribble that the writer states. Normal people can disagree without one going off on an angry abuse tangent on the other, and not just once or twice but for years and years.

    • profile image

      Hope 

      8 months ago

      Also there's a difference between a husband with anger problems and emotional abuse. Some of these comments appear to be the latter.

    • profile image

      Sue 

      8 months ago

      I usually attend to all the temper tantrum, as I would call it, and move on as if nothing had happened. Because if he can act like nothing has happened then that applies to me too.

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      It doesn't matter 

      8 months ago

      My husband has become one of the worst people I have ever known. I'm miserable and I regret marrying him those 15 years ago. He screams at everyone including our kids over the littlest things. Didn't wash that plate well enough? Watch out because you're in for a 20 minute screaming session about how "stupid and retarded" you must be. This is the not the life I envisioned for myself and my kids. He wasn't always this way. I'm not sure what happened. I told him to go to a therapist or the kids and I are gone. He went and he's on an assortment of meds but they aren't helping and it's been a few years. I hate him. And I hate myself for being too afraid to leave. I wish he would just walk out the door and never come back. I miss being happy. I miss laughing. I hate that I shake constantly and rarely talk anymore for fear that I'll say something to set him off. This wasn't supposed to be my life.

    • profile image

      Carolkork@rochester.rr.com 

      8 months ago

      maybe it was our supper... hot dogs.. I boil them really good to get bad stuff out..and we have them about twice a year. Just was hankering for a hot dog in the summer.. Plus our AC is broke and it's hot.. I mentioned cleaning the deck from the leaves stain. I meant me...not him.. but right away he starts in w/ mean remarks and getting angry. slammed his fist in the sick.. He was shaving.. Always angry at me.. I also made mac salad w/ broccoli, celery, red pepper, carrots, eggs. So we have something healthy. oh and beans. He's tired and hot. He's a farmer and planted today. but I am always getting disrespected instead of saying.. yes, tomorrow we'll talk about it or something like that. He's so hateful..never says he's sorry.I'm 71, he's 78.

    • profile image

      Gina 

      8 months ago

      Stephanie. Same. My husband will act like nothing even happened and I hate it.

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