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How to Deal With an Angry Husband Without Sacrificing Your Dignity

I used to be an arrogant nagger. I loved to fight with my wife mercilessly. But then, the tables turned.

Some women compare living with an angry husband to living by an active volcano. One always lives in a constant state of alertness—always waiting for something to blow up and splatter molten lava everywhere. Even a small outburst can immediately throw one off-balance and ruin a perfectly lovely day. The one big difference between a husband and a volcano is that you can more easily move away from one of them.

However, on the other hand, a husband is also more manageable than a volcano. You can at least somewhat prepare yourself to deal with your husband to whom you've committed your life and love. I'd like to share a few things about anger from a guy's perspective, based on my own past and actions. Because, well, no one knows men better than men—after all, dogs know dogs best.

The following advice is based on the assumption that your husband's anger is directed at you, and not a politician or the electricity bill. However, for the advice to be effective, it may require you to shift your own mental perspective and, often times, your ego.

It is essential you do what is best for both of you. So, if you are ready to arm yourself with a new mindset and learn helpful skills, then read on.

Why Is My Husband So Mean to Me?

There are many reasons why your husband treats you poorly and gets angry with you for no reason. Some of these reasons have to do with underlying mental and physical issues that are not being addressed while other factors are environmental.

  • Low testosterone. While many people associate high levels of testosterone with heightened levels of anger, that behavior is associated with the abuse of steroids, not natural testosterone production. Studies have shown that men with low levels of testosterone are more irritable and prone to mood swings. Environmental factors such as diet and sleep quality can have an impact on testosterone levels. Many men suffer from low testosterone, and it commonly goes undiagnosed.
  • Low serotonin. One of the key neurotransmitters in our brain, serotonin, plays a role in emotional and mental health. If we have too little of it, we become irritable and unhappy. Much like testosterone, eating and sleeping habits can play a big role in determining serotonin levels.
  • High stress. Cortisol, the stress hormone, can lead to irritability as well as sleep and cognition problems. If your husband is experiencing severe stress at work and is not sleeping and eating properly, the high levels of cortisol can turn him into a very different person.
  • Loss of male identity and purpose. The constant grind of your husband attempting to live up to some impossible masculine ideal can wear him down. A single-minded focus on job success and earning large amounts of money can leave him feeling stressed, isolated, and lonely. He may feel that in comparison to others he is inadequate, and these feelings can manifest themselves in angry outbursts.
  • Unaddressed emotional trauma. It is also possible that your husband is dealing with some unresolved emotional issues. By trying to suppress these emotional wounds, he becomes angry and irritable.

Mental Approach for Dealing With an Angry Husband

Here are some steps to follow when it comes to handling your husband. Try to always take a calm and relaxed approach to the conflicts. It is very easy for the situation to get out of hand if you both get angry with each other.

  1. Don’t be afraid. Don't fear the anger itself. Know that anger stems from a general lack of real power. Often, it's because one doesn't have control over one’s situation. It helps to look at it as a baby’s cry, rather than a lion’s roar.
  2. Reflect on your actions. Think about whether you played any role in triggering this anger. It pays to be honest with yourself here. If you did play a role in escalating the conflict, this will require an approach of taking ownership of your actions and maybe apologizing for them if the situation calls for it. However if you didn't contribute to his anger, then your priority shifts to showing him where he misunderstood you, but not now.
  3. Know that anger is a habit. Many times, a man's anger is simply a condition—a habit triggered by the most trivial events. It’s not your fault that he has a short fuse, no matter how he may try to unintentionally (or intentionally) brainwash you into believing so. His words and actions are his own responsibilities, so never take the blame for what he does or says.
  4. Don't try to take the reins. Don't try to control your husband's anger. First things first with this, don't focus on trying to change him, because you can't. Only he can. All you can do is control how you react to it and what it does to you on your end. In other words, he can spit fire, but you can shield yourself from letting it burn you.
  5. Anger is a form of great suffering. When a man abuses a woman, he abuses himself too. Initially, anger makes a man feel powerful and in control, but it slowly burns and consumes him from within. Eventually, that stereotypical sense of "manliness" has a boomerang effect on the man's physical and spiritual health and he agonizes a great deal without ever acknowledging or letting it show. This results in a vicious cycle. If you can see it for what it is then things can seem a bit less personal and more of a lesson about the causes of human suffering.
  6. Anger is a weakness. Despite how it is often portrayed in our culture, anger is not a strength—it is a weakness. My spiritual teacher has a saying I really like on this topic, "Big dogs don't bark. They don't need to." Strong and confident men don't need to bark, only the insecure and fearful ones do. The real question should be—what is he hiding behind his anger?
  7. Humor is your best protector. When you're in a serious moment of witnessing your husband's anger, remember that laughter is the best medicine for both you and him. Think about some things that make you laugh. Here, I'll share with you one of my favorite jokes ever: "God created a man and said to him: 'Listen, I gave you two wonderful organs that will give you the ability to think and benefit the world with: a brain and a penis. But I have to admit there could be a design flaw. Very likely, there will not be enough blood flow to share between them at the same time.'" :)

Techniques to Deal With a Husband Who Has Temper Issues

  1. Don't put fuel into the fire. Anger has an important trait: it’s temporary. So let him be angry by himself and know that he will calm down eventually. If you put more fire into his fire, it may last for more hours or even days than it normally would have. Remember, his anger will pass but what you say to each other while arguing in the heat of the moment may leave scars forever.
  2. Wait until he's calmed down. Address his anger when he's more rational. Don’t be surprised that your husband is still angry, even when everything went according to his wish. Understand that the body is an energy system and that it takes time for that energy to settle. Usually, it takes at least 20 minutes for the adrenaline's effect to die down. When he's calm, address his irrational behavior.
  3. Set your boundaries. Set them and stick to them. The biggest mistake I see others make often is that they do not clearly define what they will be willing to tolerate. Setting boundaries and making them known to your husband is one of the most effective anger management techniques around the house.
  4. Pick your battles. The greatest generals know to only fight the battles they can win. They don’t waste their resources on the ones that they can’t. The fewer battles you fight, the more powerful the ones you decide to engage in will be. Not only will they pack a larger punch, but you will be more likely take your husband by surprise and win the ones that really matter to you. Of course, it's not about winning or losing. Rather, it's about being mindful of what issues are worth tackling vs. those that just need to blow over.
  5. Do not tolerate disrespect. This especially goes for a condescending and dismissive attitude. It’s not constructive for him, let alone for you. From a guy's perspective: a man will only mistreat a lady when no one challenges his behavior. If he knows he can get away with it, he'll say hurtful things to you to boost his ego over and over. It's a nasty business. This may sound a bit harsh, but as the old saying goes: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." So if your husband treats you like crap more than once, it's on you to put a stop to it. You can do this by letting it be known that you don't tolerate such disrespect from a man who made a vow to love you for the rest of his life. If you take the abuse over and over, you are allowing it and letting him believe it's okay. Don't tolerate this: set your boundaries.
  6. Apologize when needed. "I'm sorry." This one is such a common sense step that it’s ridiculous to even mention it here. However, it bears repeating: if you clearly played a role in escalating the conflict, then simply take responsibility for it and say "I'm sorry." Nothing melts an angry heart faster like a sincere apology. Make sure it's sincere, though and the apology is not followed by a "but." For example, "I'm so sorry to make you upset, but you earned it by leaving the dishes." If you use "but" then you negate the apology.
  7. Diet matters. What is your husband eating? Is it a lot of junk food? The importance of a good diet for good mental health cannot be stressed enough. The cliché "we are what we eat," really does ring true here. If he is consuming nutrient-deficient food (fried, processed, fatty, sugary things), then no wonder his brain is on fire. A lousy diet and especially poor gut health can make any person insane.
  • For a quick fix, introduce a ton of raw, fresh foods to your meals, exchange red meats for fish and poultry, juice veggies and local fruits (the exotic ones are too sugary), get some superfoods and blend them, drink them, also get some good supplements like vitamin B complex, good vitamin C, omega-3s, quality multivitamin, drink a ton of water and voila! Your guy's mood and irritability are bound to improve dramatically.

If nothing else works, then grab a dough roller and knock him out! I'm joking of course—this is clearly illegal and may land you in some anger management classes of your own. On the other hand, he may have an anger disorder or some other brain-related conditions that must be addressed by a professional. Perhaps you can convince him to seek some help from a mental health professional.

General Advice on Dealing With Your Angry Husband

  • Don't get angry in response. It is not wise to get angry in response to your husband's anger. If you weather his verbal onslaught and remain relaxed and calm, he will likely be embarrassed about his behavior, reflect on it to correct it, and respect you even more. Think of a time when you were insufferable, but in turn, someone dealt with your emotionally charged state peacefully and professionally. Didn’t you secretly leave with a great amount of admiration for that individual when all the things were said and done?
  • Know when to walk away. You need to make difficult decisions if they are called for. If all else fails and your husband is making your life too miserable, the bad outweighs the good, he's not the man you married, or you just aren't happy, then you have a difficult choice to make. Reassess the situation and think about whether you stay in the relationship (considering emotional attachment, kids, property, and so forth) or do you make a choice to let bygones be bygones and move on in search for a better quality of life. Remember, an abusive relationship does not serve anyone’s interests. When there’s a lot of anger in the house, everyone suffers: you, your husband, your kids, even your pets.
  • Reflection is key. Some Eastern philosophies have explored anger in depth and advise us to follow the way of developing awareness and avoiding automatic reactions to anger. We are advised to takr a better look at why that person is angry. Buddha’s words were: “By looking deeply you'll be able to identify the reasons that led to the person’s anger. If you see that you bear responsibility for angering the person, you'll accept that your own misconduct contributed to their anger and won't get angry in exchange. If you are without blame, then you can try to see why that person has misinterpreted you. Then you can find a way to help him understand your true motives. By doing this, you are going to stay clear of causing more suffering to oneself and the other person.”
  • Compassion is crucial. If you are a beacon of patience and compassion around the house, you can convince your husband to believe that only compassion towards each other will save and sustain the relationship. Compassion is the elixir of life that heals all wounds and lifts all spirits to new heights. Let's strive for it.

Note to the commenters below:

Thank you for participating in this important discussion. To clarify: my advice was intended as 'self-help' advice and not as some means to change another human being. The latter is up to him. This advise is also not meant to work with a truly abusive man, who has no sense of honor or a slightest idea of empathy. Should you be faced with someone who's exhibiting psychopathic tendencies (has no remorse for anything) your best bet is to always leave. If you can't leave then build for yourself a support network and strap in until he either gets an epiphany, gets struck by lightning or disease. I have observed over the years that most truly angry people eventually develop blood related cancer, like leukemia, lymphoma or myeloma. Anger literally makes one's blood boil so it is only a matter of time.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2012 Mateus Brava

Comments

A Wife on September 06, 2020:

When he would have a melt down, I would fold into myself and find something else to do away from him and then I'd allow myself to cry.

The last 2 episodes I handled differently. One involved an incident where he wasn't getting through to a company's customer service rep that was taking advantage of a situation and husband was trying to explain the problem, but the customer service rep was not hearing what he was saying and talking over him. Suddenly husband tensed up his whole body and shook with rage and broke down and said he couldn't handle the situation. I took over the phone call and eventually came to a temporary resolution with the rep that will lead to a permanent resolution.

The 2nd event was yesterday. He was working nearby me and the material he was handling became entangled and he verbally lashed out at the situation saying bad words and had a tantrum. I looked at him with compassion and continued doing my own work. I never said a word and let him work out the problem.

We've been married for decades. I've talked to him in the past about his abusive treatment of me, but not using those words. I'd say things like, it hurts me when you . . . And he's acknowledged that he hasn't treated me well and even said that he doesn't understand why I've stayed with him. Frankly, I don't know why I have either!

I have asked him to get help, but he refuses. I guess since I never placed a boundary about his anger and abusiveness, he won't change. However, I'm changing and I'm recognizing that his behavior has affected me mentally and physically.

I'm trying to figure out how to confront him with love and a healthy boundary for me. How do I do it? That's the next step in my learning process. Thanks for listening and thank you for sharing your story.

JD on August 28, 2020:

i find a lot of good points in this article. On the other hand I find it condescending! This is 2020 it is not a womans issue to make sure her husband is eating a proper diet, who makes sure im eating properly? Im all for de escalating an aggressive situation but realistically noone has any right to be aggressive, male or female.

Farhana on August 18, 2020:

I agree all the mistakes which I did not done . To calm down him.once he become cool i use beat him like dog and shows love by telling that love you soo much.

Sala kamina kitna pareshaan karta hay.

mimi mills on August 06, 2020:

My husband will just erupt and it's impossible to know when it will occur. I have tried to wait for a good time to discuss things that need to be discussed and have gone as far as saying, let me know when it's a good time to discuss such and such so he has the power to choose. He has stated that I 'just come at him" with things.

taylorlawson on July 19, 2020:

My husband was diagnosed in October 2017. To be honest he's not in a good way. Don't rexally know how to help him. He's drinking heavily and now admits to using cocaine. He thinks his life is over and no matter how much we talk I can't shake him from this idea. He's very anxious and struggles to do normal things. A friend of my told me about Kunime medicine that help her mother Parkinson’s disease and get free Miraculously after using herbal treatment from Dr Fabien. I was so interested in the medicine, how it works. I researched on google to find any information about the medicine. I saw his website www.kunimeherbs.com. I ordered for the herbal medicine for my husband and he use for months, he started changing. Wow I’m so happy, he is now so positive and motivated with life. for over a year now no symptoms of Parkinson’s.. he stop doing drugs and go to work, due to the pandemic we have less income. I’m so shock to see him leaving normal, the herbal treatment is very effective. I am overwhelmed with joy.

Mira on July 19, 2020:

I used to have a control over my emotions, a tuff kind Heart personality but three years ago ,i suffered mild

Raine on June 24, 2020:

It depends on the actual words used. He is step-dad to my children but they are full grown adults now. Sometimes in the heat of the moment he says something mean about one of them so naturally me the mother becomes protector and I lose my shit too. Most times now I just let the mean words roll off my back, they hurt like hell going down my spine. My partner had 2 alcoholic, abusive parents so I really try to understand the root of it. He's a great and wonderful loving man for the most part but when he loses his cool it's like living in hell. Your article has helped me to have a deeper understanding though, thank you. I usually give him the space he needs to calm down but it's exhausting and I have a burning pit in my stomach, my adrenaline surges like crazy.

jennifer on June 17, 2020:

why as women do we have to be there for our toddler acting husbands and put up with their behavior when ever they have their meltdowns. we have to have patience for them be there for them wipe their tears pretty much, try anything we can to make them happy. all the while being mis understood by them the whole time, god forbid we push that button to address the situation, all to get everything turned around to me like its my fault. i feel like today women cant and arent allowed to feel because when we feel it doesnt really matter because its not "serious'. but when a man is mad o gosh its a problem and they can say and do what they want because they are men and it only counts as "real feelings" when they are upset.

Vitamom on June 12, 2020:

I have been trying to please an angry man for 30 years. Here’s what it taught my kids..it’s ok to abuse people, tomorrow is a new day and a great opportunity to pretend like everything is normal, I’m not allowed to complain ever and shame on me for not being a mind reader. Thanks to my kids for opening my eyes and vowing never to treat a human the way I have been treated I mustered the courage to have a family meeting. It was ugly, my husband yelled, cursed, accused, threatened me with violence but agreed to move out. As sad as I am he’s going I am also incredibly relieved and looking forward to peace and respect in my home. It’s never ok to treat a human like an enemy and my biggest regret is that I didn’t do it 30 years ago. Looking forward to taking back my life and living without fear.

Her on June 08, 2020:

My husband is constantly mad. He says it isn’t because of me, but when we talk he is exasperated, snippy, and condescending about everything. Sometimes even my breathing upsets him when my allergies are bad. I have a degenerative joint disease that I haven’t even been able to tell him about because he doesn’t want to hear me complain. When my mom was diagnosed with Leukemia, I couldn’t tell him for months because he was too busy to talk, and I have have to let him know if something is important or upsetting ahead of time, then he will let me know when it is okay to tell him. Then, he gets mad at me anyway. When my grandmother was dying (she raised me) I wanted to spend the night at the hospital, but he yelled at me and told me I selfish for wanting to spend more time with her than him. We are moving right now, and everything I do is wrong. We see a therapist and he is always tears and apologies, but 2 says later it is “you know you need to be home to let the repairman in, right? Because I am not sure you know these things” “I don’t want excuses, lunch is at 12:30, Dinner is at 7” “we need to...” code for you better do this or I will explode. He makes over 100,000 a year and I make about 20,000. Everything is 50/50 and he often make digging remarks about how I need to up my game. I also care for our special needs child and do all the Cooking and cleaning and errands, including being his unpaid personal assistant. I work my job from 10pm-2am 7 says a week and I am up at 6:30 to get my kiddo ready. I think I am losing my mind. And my body is in a constant state of pain. My has me in braces to keep my knees and ankles from dislocating, my shoulders, elbows, wrists, hips and ribs are also always dislocation. It really hurts. He says I am exaggerating and faking and gets made when I can’t walk or hold things. I guess he is just always mad.

But I am the trigger. I just wish I could change myself so he wouldn’t get so mad. If I could change my body, my energy level, and my thin-skin, it would be okay

Tsc on May 22, 2020:

I read this after the upteenth angry episode about nothing. I feel embarassed instead of him to explain the episode - it is not even important. I asked why he had nothing nice to say - the reply was that I am not a nice person. Have been working all day, shopped and cooked since he is unable to go out in this Covid-18!times and this is how I am rewarded. The situation is frankly, intolerable. On my second glass of wine - find it is a panacea at the mo

ElizaGa on May 13, 2020:

Turtlebait, Your words have been the encouragement I needed! Thank you! I'd love to pick your brain and see how you cope with this on a daily basis. You should have written this article.

M.A on May 12, 2020:

My husband will be mad about work or his parents and then find the smallest thing to get mad at me for (Ex-not knowing what I want to eat or something trivial). He rarely apologizes, its ripping out ten year relationship apart. He refuses to seek therapy, I'm just on the verge of giving up. I'm going to try some of these things and if they don't work it may just be the end.

Eiti on May 02, 2020:

While most of you might face a much severe case of anger from their husband, my case is a bit different. While he is the most idol husband one would want in terms of equality in a relationship, he has a very bad temper issue and he refuses to accept it. He believes that he gets angry with me and not anybody else because I make him angry like nobody does, and hence all the scream, hitting himself etc. It's been just 5 months into the marriage and I can already see the red flags. But I'm very confused as to what to do, wait it out and use the recommended tips to see if he improves or just leave because it's not too late.

Dhel on April 26, 2020:

Because of Covid-19 most of us are staying home,pardon my English if it’s not so perfect.My husband he is lovable person I can name it. He will do everything for us but when he switch his anger,I feel like someone lifting my soul.I think every woman at this group I can feel them what they been through.I move out two years ago,I feel guilt leaving him and it’s killing me.Every summer I still help him take care of our garden witch I love gardening and he always ask me to help him,and he said he is scared being alone.He has no family no kids.I am so confused and I am sad because I am not getting younger,I need a simple and happy life not to leave in an eggshell of your life.He is abusive and controlling.I am just sad about us.

Candice Playdon on April 19, 2020:

I'm sorry but this article seems to suggest us women should walk on eggshells around our husbands. Why is it okay for them to behave this way but I bet you if the wife did then it would be a different story. It sounds like dealing with a small immature child. Man up and be an adult. We all get angry but why should it be okay for a husband to act out. Not impressed.

Jazzyo on April 14, 2020:

Thank you so much for sharing. I wish my husband wouldn’t have his outbursts and realise I can’t stop them from happening. I’m worried that he will completely turn my family away because he has outbursts towards them (or their dog) when they’re at our house. I’ve asked him to find a way to seek professional help but I’m realizing now, after nearly 8 years that it’s highly unlikely that he will. His diet is pretty poor. I can’t see that changing either. I think it would be a good idea to mention alcohol and substance abuse too. I love him dearly and usually every thing is fine but if he turns my family away, I don’t think I could ever forgive him

Sania on March 28, 2020:

I really appreciate your post as a woman, because you give meaningful advice for those who truly believe in marriage and want it to work. Highly valuable unlike the junk I read nowadays that basically tells us that as humans we don’t have to make sacrifices or efforts for our relationships. Thank you for insight and your values.

Sparkles of Happiness on March 28, 2020:

I'm just TIRED of the angry, hurtful behavior. The worst part is, he's a very smart, intelligent, charming, and handsome man - with nasty outbursts. He's rarely "wrong" - I generally agree with WHAT he's upset about, and own my part, but it's his intense reaction and RAGE that causes me to cringe. I want it to STOP. He gets so angry and nasty that it's hard to tolerate anymore. We've been together for more than 20 years, have raised 4 sons together, owned a business, lost a business, moved across country, and started over. His kids don't call him (unless he guilts them into it). We've been through so much together, and I try to pick my battles and resort to my Al-Anon book in times of exceptional pain, but honestly I just want it to STOP. I am afraid that it's going to get to the point that I'm DONE, and I don't want that. Sometimes I wonder how I can "love" a person that behaves so badly. Screaming at traffic, swearing all the time, angry with everyone, mean and childish with me. Low testosterone and accusing me of having boyfriends. It's insulting. He's made countless friends uncomfortable, and I don't even invite people over anymore because I don't wan to subject them to his unpredictable wrath. My family hates him. No one respects him. It's heart-breaking. :(

Tired and Weary: Part II on March 26, 2020:

Periodically I check in to see if anyone out there has managed to leave or if things have gotten better. Unfortunately, things only got worse on my end. I have continued to pay housing, bills, and groceries. He continued to come and go as he pleases, have explosive outbursts when asked about his behavior or informed of late bills. He stays gone til wee hours into the next day and claims he is working yet never contributes financially. Recently he informed me he lost money gambling. Then it just continued..

I have experienced a reduction in income so our electric, gas, internet, water is all late. He paid his phone and the first time I ask if he would pay mine he bluntly tells me he needs that money, so I have no phone until payday. That was disheartening because I paid his phone more times than I can count. Yet he can’t pay my phone not even once. I have put up with emotional and some physical abuse for way too long. Then while reading articles I realized I have been dealing with financial abuse as well. Yes such a thing does exist.

Because I have struggled to keep us afloat I maxed out all of my credit cards to make ends meet. To keep the electric on, food on the table, gas to get to work. So even if I tried to move out, I don’t have funds for a moving truck, deposit and first months rent. My credit score took a big hit. I feel stuck and hopeless. I have brought up divorce but he goes off the wall probably because it would hinder his lifestyle and do as I please attitude. He forgets our anniversary and my birthday is just another day, nothing for Christmas, and no dates- it just makes my heart sink. I wish that I had really considered what core values I was looking for in a husband: Spiritual Leader, a provider, honest, patient, and caring. I also read DONT just date anybody, but date whom you would consider marrying. Date someone that you would want your child to grow up to be like.

I know if my kids where in my situation I would have told them to LEAVE!

Alas, we can’t go back as we can only move forward.

Two weeks ago things got really bad. I prayed and prayed about what to do. Due to circumstances I was able to leave the house and now I’m staying with family. But I’m not certain what my next move will be. Because I live in a community property if I want to sell the house, my husband would have to sign and he would never agree to that. If I let the house foreclose, well the loan is in my name only. So it would be an even more difficult task to find a rental. Their are times were I feel that maybe I should keep fighting for my marriage but other times I just want to walk away- where too,I do not know.

AVJ on March 24, 2020:

I'm not alone... the advice above is great. But, not always realistic. Mean, angry men are not realistic. I usually walk away and sometimes I look at him - calmly and say "what is going on." I'll tell him that I'm setting boundaries and I don't like the yelling and condescending comments. He yells "don't start your shit." He stares at me and usually goes into a tantrum and heads for the garage. After some time, usually a day or so, it's like nothing happened. This is the 2nd marriage for both of us so we don't have kids at home anymore. But, we have dogs - that he LOVES! More than me sometimes. But I saw him take his anger out on them today for the first time. If he can't help himself, I'm not sure how much longer I can tolerate this.

yahpaj on March 22, 2020:

with my ex I just pray and remember the Lord is my refuge. sticks and stones may hurt me like your words that slice but ive made the Lord my safe place arguing isn't of my time...

ActThree on March 11, 2020:

Wow, you nailed so many dimensions of my angry, sulking husband of 43 years- low testosterone, low serotonin, childhood with an angry sulking father. He acknowledges that he walked on eggshells with his father, and he recognizes that our three kids and I have had to “occasionally” do the same with him. While the antidepressants he took for years helped, he refused to accept and address the root causes of his anger. We’re now empty nesters, and I’d hoped he’d relax as I did, but nope- he still rages at women when he drives, spends 100 hours in front of the TV each week, and is generally very sullen. Your most powerful point, Mateus, is that you said angry people often get blood cancers, and you nailed it- he has multiple myeloma, and now he’s angry about this. I refuse to desert him now, but it’s very tough to stay. I’ve told my albatross that while I no longer am in love with him, I do love him as a person and will be with him when he dies. How do I cope? I’ve taken responsibility for my own happiness. I live my life: I travel, have lots of friends, create art, write, meditate, pray, volunteer, have a couple part-time teaching gigs, and work out. Occasionally, we’ll do projects together. I typically won’t travel with him because travel brings out his temper and outbursts. He started seeing a therapist a year ago, and while it’s helping him, it’s too much too late for me. By the way, I named my camper “Serenity.”

batchelorjulie4@gmail.com on March 09, 2020:

Some husbands are just clueless about how to behave towards there wives they just lack manners and are unable to see the hurt they cause , there ego is far more important to them .

Esther on March 05, 2020:

I read this article because in my situation my husband is not abusive at all to me. He is however easily wonded and I wanted tips on how to prevent hurting him. Tonight I blew off a story he was telling me because I was reading my book when all he wanted was to share a funny experience with me. I feel bad about it but am trying to find a way to make it up to him. I think the people who are in really bad situations may not benefit from the techniques given here and it was mentioned that if the bad out weighs the good then one may consider leaving.

Lanny on March 03, 2020:

I often wonder if these raging husband's understand how pathetic they appear while they are raging uncontrollably.

I have lost all respect for my husband. If he cannot be an adult and control his own emotions he is not worth wasting my breath on. I walk away or go out and do not react except by ceasing to speak.

He never apologizes ....just waits and tries to carry on like nothing ever happened in a couple of days.

This is unacceptable to me

Tired and intolerant on March 01, 2020:

I find that after years of dealing with rage and anger directed towards me I have grown tired and intolerant. I have lost respect for him as a person, husband and father.

I no longer fuel the fire. I walk away but I shouldn't have to constantly be walking on egg shells. I deserve better.

Rachel on February 29, 2020:

Alicia, I actually feel you on this one. I know for sure that not all men are like this, but I don't think our husbands could have some similarities and when I'm burned by him, I think similar thoughts. I'm helps to vent and then I feel like I can handle things with him again in a respectful and adult way afterwards.

I'll be trying some of the tips in this article. It's frustrating. I wish he would start reading some self-help articles or try to improve himself so I could stop getting blown up at out of left field. He's ruined many days and my sleep at night with his mean streak. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells with him most times and I'm starting to feel it just isn't sustainable. Something needs to change. Best of luck.

Wow on February 28, 2020:

Alicia you sound like a raging feminist. Putting billions of men on earth in your imaginary hate-filled box. I feel sorry for your husband... he's the one who should leave you.

Puhlease on February 24, 2020:

Agree with unanimous. I'm so tired of these articles about how to deal with an angry partner that tell us to asking how *we* are causing it. This is psychologically dangerous.

And I'm pretty sure most people in a rage would not enjoy a trivial joke being randomly told, especially one as lame as the example.

Alicia on February 21, 2020:

Men are just controlling, finger pointing narcissists. They know how to manipulate any situation to get their way, and they blame you and belittle you because a perfect woman to them is someone who can be molded into what they truly want. Think about it? Woman for many years weren’t even allowed to speak back to a man. This behavior will always continue, its in their nature to be in complete control no matter how incorrect they are. They use every excuse and reason to get you to believe that you are the one in the wrong, when the reality is that they are. I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I love my Husband and when we are good we are really good, but he is a narcissist, he avoids any responsibility of actually parenting the way he should, and has separated our family all on his own. Men are self destructive and destructive for everyone else. They have never been taught to live in society or take responsibility for their actions. This is over 1000s of years. So of course what we get is a bunch of immature a-holes who can’t handle any ownership whatsoever. They just pass judgement instead of taking responsibility, they are crazy. If they can’t see it no one can and if you can’t see it then you don’t know what you’re talking about. Pure narcissists all the way. I’m feeling alone because I have tried all of the above. I LOVE my husband but he is pushing me further and further away. I’ve calmly told him this, then he says I’m living in the past, after defending myself because he will say something like “you always” no I don’t always and here’s proof. He doesn’t like that and belittles me more. I won’t let him get away with it either and this doesn’t end well. He refuses to apologize for his behaviors and says it’s because the relationship is fine for him, he doesn’t understand what my problem is. Well it’s fine for you because I don’t do anything to purposely hurt you or demean you in any way. You however can’t stop yourself can you. To all the men out their who actually read this, most don’t, they only read what they want to read. You cannot go around expecting society to accept your behaviors because of this or that reason. Wrong behaviors are wrong, abuse is abuse, and what happens is that at age 50 and higher most women just settle into their relationships because the man never changed. Then the man starts wanting to cuddle and be close because she doesn’t need it anymore, he’s destroyed her need and desire for him, then he wants it because she is no longer seeking it. You’re a bunch of fucking idiots, completely NOT self aware, & quite frankly stupid. It’s not our fault not should we have to change or accept your lack of awarenesses.

Lyndie on February 14, 2020:

I refuse to talk back I only nod or say ok ,and if possible find something else to distract me,it doesn’t necessarily make me feel better ,it however does not give him the satisfaction of seeing that he has upset me !

unanimous on February 04, 2020:

I find it frustrating that all of this is based on us being in control of our emotions because he cant control his... I didnt make it to almost 50 to let some asshole man punch shit and throw it just like my father...About he gets help, how about its 2020 maybe he could pick up the phone and seek help. I am about at my breaking point and refuse to let someone scare me and if it was my daughter I would tell her to run like hell! Guess I answered my own questions...thanks for pissing me off and taking a stand for what i know is right. I am not responsible to tip toe a man and make him feel or not feel anything about himself anymore than he is for me

Optimisticgirl on January 26, 2020:

Best thing to do is get out! Research narcissistic behavior and realize these people DO NOT change.

Ashley on January 22, 2020:

Well the situation with my angry husband really takes a toll on the relationship. I honestly don’t know what mood he’s gonna be in when he comes home from work. Some times he comes back normal but I guess there are other days when he has had a lot of stress at work and then gets home and I’m the one he takes his anger out on. Like today he came home clearly in a bad mood and so he was looking for a reason to fight. First it was that why do I not do things as he has instructed me. That got ignored, then it was that he didn’t like the food I cooked for him. Since that didn’t work either then he went for the most senseless one. We have a 5 month old baby whom i exclusively breastfeed so he started saying that why do I only feed out baby from one breast (I do feed him from both btw and he’s seen it) so he goes on to saying that why do I do that and went on and on and on about it. That’s just to mention an example. He is the same way with his mother. Honestly that is tiring bc idk when he’s gonna go off. He had a very strange behavior. Sometimes come home and barely talks to me or the kids. Idk man that kinda behavior it’s just weird to me.

Nmkim on January 21, 2020:

Sorry, I’m calling BS on most of this. A man should at least control his temper by the time he!s 65.

MaoW on January 08, 2020:

It has taken me 6 years but I am finally pretty much doing what you say above... he hasn't change but the way I experience his anger has changed... I am no longer hurt by it... the problem is we have four children and they are 6, 9, 14 & 16. My husband's temper and need for control seems to be shifting towards them now...

Sania on January 01, 2020:

It is very shameful to see that we wives are looking for the ways to deal with our angry husbands, whereas it should be the husbands looking for the ways to control the anger. Yes, adding fuel to the fire is not a good idea. However i think that it is important to make him understand that what he is doing is not acceptable. That is why confronting is very important.

Aphaph on December 23, 2019:

To answer your questions, I do a little bit of all of it. It all depends on what the mood is or how I get triggered by his anger.

Becky on December 08, 2019:

I try to listen and show empthy but i ask him point blank why is he uoset with me. This doesnt work well need help with responses.

Cedar on December 07, 2019:

Been together since 1992. Temper and jealousy emerged within the second year. Public displays etc etc. I excused it because he was young. Anyway, it goes up and down up and down but it is EMBARRASSING and I do not respect him. When he is mad bad sad dad, I tell the kids to just leave him alone. I do not want to leave although likely I should. He is more good than bad, but it is very difficult to love and respect an extremely large fat four year old in A 45+ YEAR OLD BODY. Sorry - caps lock flipped. And now he has been off work since last year... Whatever; I am resilient and strong and the kids are nearly grown. Warning to others though - the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE without tremendous herculean effort on his part. So, as he ages and tires, this effort becomes less and less likely.

He shouts, he roars, he belittles, he swears, he threatens violence, he demeans, belittles, mocks, insults, casts aspersions, explains my own effing childhood experiences framed to suit his narrative. He was NOT there,he knows nothing, and I resent like hell him besmirching my memories. Warning- living with a verbally abusive partner leads to toxic levels of bitterness and resentment. He does treat his mother like this too. And of course the kids come in for their share. He wastes our time and ruins our days with his blustering bullying loudmouthed a-hole behaviours. And this is not just subjective; remarks by bystanders leave that in no doubt. Because of culture (most cultures excuse bad male behaviour because "He works so hard") we can "pass" at least I hope so! We have recently relocated and I am hoping his displays do not make us all pariahs. He does not drink or use drugs but it seems raging out IS his drug.

Rachel Dino on December 01, 2019:

I'm in a same sex relationship and to my surprise, I'm seeing so many other women like me who are just as terrified and as clueless as me. Even though my partner is not a man she does engage herself with anger alot. When I met her I kinda knew that she had small anger issues but lately,after 4 years of our relationship I'm starting to realise that this anger issue is much more bigger and worse than how it looked back then. Even though I know that she loves me to the core and often feels guilty when she has a burst out,it has become more and more often and now I'm finding myself at the point where I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by staying or not. She'll throw tantrums on little things, especially when things don't go her way. I can't even take her along when I go out with my friends because if she's in a bad mood or if she doesn't click along with the friend she'll make a long face in front of them and not want to eat or talk or engage at all. It's embarrassing for me too and is a disrespect towards my friends and me especially. I hate it. She'll scream at me for little things,even though I have told her so many times how sensitive I am and how easily I cry,she would keep on doing it. I have politely asked her not to scream at me but her favourite excuse would always be that she cannot change and that’s how she is and I should just accept it. I am under no obligation to keep up with her tantrums and do everything her ways and satisfy her wants every single time. I’m at that point where I just wanna disappear. It hurts and I can’t leave because I love her. As much as I am angry at her I am angry at myself too. I don’t know how to change her. I can’t change her. She can only change herself but she doesn’t want to. I’m so tired of keeping up with it. Only if she could become better which is what I want to believe right now. I gave up everything for our relationship; sacrificed my reputation even though my family is against it; I do everything she wants; I give her everything; I buy her clothes and shoes that she wants and even buy all the food every single time we go out but still she makes me feel like I'm somehow never enough and never will be.

Anonymous on November 24, 2019:

Thank you for writing this article. I would love to see a similar article on dealing with an angry wife. Many of the principles are the same, but some would be slightly different.

Sue on November 22, 2019:

Maybe Someone can give me advice. I just got out of the hospital Tuesday night after having to replace my pacemaker in a lot of pain and I’m supposed to not move around a lot. He kept telling me I can’t wait for me to be home do you miss me he had the house clean for me the next thing I know he starts being an asshole to me and took my handicap placard it out of my purse. When I said I wanted it back he threw it at me the other day I managed to cook him mostly fully prepped dinner for his birthday and ordered a cake for him to be deliveredHe didn’t give me any credit at all for trying tonight he calls me up and from before he gets home ask him if I want anything from the store and I said get whatever you want but I’m gonna stop and get something to eat because there’s nothing I want to eat at home I said what about me I haven’t eaten all day. He came home with canned chili and hot dogs. He know s next n low carb cardiac diet. Needles to say kitchen is messed up the sink is filling up with dishes I’m not really able to unload the dishwasher and put dishes in because it’s hard to get up and down and then I tried to talk to him afterwards and he got pissed at me and he was asleep and I went to change the channel and he got mad then he stopped off to bed he promised me he would take care of me I don’t want to say I can’t believe him anymore and for him to be yelling at me when I’m sick And hurting I’m not a whiny person I just want expect a little help and respect while I’m going through this

Kate on November 21, 2019:

So according to this article we should just stand there while our husbands scream and throw and menace us. If he drops a fork then repeatedly stabs that fork into the dishwasher, red faced and screaming, we should just wait until he calms down? These tantrums affect my intestines, stomach, blood pressure and sleep. And the best answer is to wait it out? While he's destroying the house? While screaming in my face? While frightening me and anyone else who is in earshot? Personally, I think a better answer is to smother them in their sleep.

Shannie on November 19, 2019:

Ladies lets stop making excuses or trying to accept this behaviour negative environment is soul destroying for everyone who is on the receiving end . If who ever suffers anger issues its because they have no communication skills so they need to go to classes learn how to communicate .

Lady O on November 15, 2019:

I think that there are certain types of men, and certain types of anger issues that can be worked with, and other types that are the more dangerous kind.

X on November 11, 2019:

This is some enabling garbage.

The threshold to leave an abusive partner isn’t “they have truly psychopathic tendancies” or no remorse. In fact most domestic abuse situations are characterised by an abuser who is alternatively abusive and remorseful and caring.

This is dangerous advice that will keep women in the path of their abusers with the myth that if they just react right, the abuse will stop and the ‘real’ man will appear.

BG on November 08, 2019:

I tried dealing with his anger every way I knew how - boundaries - to him those were just one more thing to verbally and emotionally abuse me over. Cancer - he didn't even bother to come to a Dr's visit let alone take me to the hospital for surgery. Wish I were kidding.

Even in the good times it was a passive-aggressive wearing down. Then it became an more aggressive. He would humiliate and scream at me in public places like restaurants. If he didn't get his way he did things like get an apartment to "show me". His way or no way - He wasn't just angry - he is an introvert narcissist. After 24 years of marriage and the last 6 being filled with various apartments - and of course charm and promises which were always broken to get back home. I finally said, if you get an apartment this time, I think we just need to move on. He did, literally over my asking for three weeks to tell the married neighbor lady to stop texting him privately. It was her stroking his ego because she wanted to borrow money and him being passive aggressive. His angry response when I finally said I'm sick of her texting you was - Stop picking on em - you're trying to trying to ruin my life. Add some ignorant names....

There is a difference between an angry person and one who chooses to be angry, controlling, selfish, disrespectful, stonewalls, gaslights and completely lacking in empathy. - Run, nothing you can do will change that situation but the trauma they cause will change you.

Star on November 06, 2019:

I live with a very angry husband and our 28 year old daughter. Since I have high respect for myself as a person, that is how I deal with this. When he gets angry and blames myself, I for one, don't accept the blame. I feel this is his downfall and don't let it effect me for the person I am. (Strong) I also think by not taking the blame (as it's not my fault he has anger issues) it only makes him more angry. But I do this to keep myself sane. He really is a good person, and one day his anger will be the death of him. I have learned that the anger does go away with time. Sometimes minutes, sometimes days. We have been married for 25 years and he wasn't always this way. I think that the volatile situation our world is in also contributes to his anger. The really bad politics of our nation and the ignorant, violent, and totally dishonesty of many are frustrating. I even agree with that. I feel as though the USA as we've known it, is doomed. We are being taken over from the inside out. BUT...unlike my husband, I don't dwell on it. I know my approach of ignoring the problems don't help the problem.

But all in all, probably the only reason we work, is because of my confident in myself as a person, and to not let his words take me down. So even know, I know this doesn't help him , I have learned to deal with it. I DO wish however he had more peace of mind. So I'm going to try to start with a better diet for him.

Me on October 22, 2019:

I am in a long term relationship. We are not married, I don't think I am the marriage type but for sure I know I don't want to marry him. We had good years together but then I realised that when he is stressed at work he just gets pissed and angry. He is not directing the anger at me (at least not at first) but I noticed subtle changes. Complaining about things I do wrong in the house (like not putting the coffee jar in the right spot because it is in his way when he makes his coffee in the morning). Small things that made me question myself. I admit that I am not good with criticism when it is directed at me. I have always been someone that tried to please people, to be liked.

With him I am realising that I apologise a lot, even for things I probably should not apologise for. I never complain about his annoying habits because I know he will probably not change them and because I don't want to make him upset. The reason is that if he gets mad he starts to show me the cold shoulder and stops speaking to me for days. Some months we are OK without issues but some weeks we barely talk because after his outbursts he is just being a mute. I should leave. We live abroad so I cannot really leave and go back home easily. But I should.

I work from home and on the days he does not talk to me I wonder if I even say 10 sentences out loud. I meet friends but a lot of them left (moved away) so sometimes I really feel lonely. I bury myself in books or TV shows (in the evenings after work) because at least I feel happy in my own made up world. I don't know what to do. Whenever he is off work he is OK. But he never apologises for behaving like this. Once he even stopped talking when we were visiting my parents. I passed it off as moody in order not to have to tell my mom that this is how he can be when angry. I think he feels threatened by me because of me earning more then him (not always sinc emy income varies month to month) but he sometimes talks to me like I am stupid. Or he just mumbles and if I ask him to repeat what he said (because he was actually talking to me and not just to himself) he gets upset and says I never listen and then stops talking to me. He did not pay his share of the rent for nearly 8 months. He was making up excuses about issues caused by the bank. He never apologised or paid me back. I paid rent on my own. I always pay for groceries and the Internet but he never chips in. I feel used. I am his safety net. We barely have sex. I feel anger towards him or am just tired. I feel guilty about it but then he treats me like I am not even there so why should I even put effort in being intimate with him?

Police retired on October 21, 2019:

Thank you for your advice. I have been married for over 25 years. We both have had good careers (both in federal law enforcement). My husband's anger issues have destroyed my family and ostracized my daughters, because I followed similar advice. Set boundaries (with respect), disengaged when he started getting emotionally abusive. He called it running away. He was raised in a similar volatile environment and at times, I have been afraid he would psychically harm me. So, when all the advice has been followed, what next? A monster is a monster.

Julie on October 19, 2019:

Sorry low hormones , women have to get through periods the child birth the change and some of us have to care for elderly parents mine both had dementia , please don’t make excuses for these excuses who call them selves men , hopefully not all men , there are so many people who complain about the same things being blamed for being them selves just nice normal people and for some reason or other this is okay that these monsters treat them as if they poison Why

Smurf0018 on October 18, 2019:

All I can say is that every time he screams, he is putting a bigger wedge between us. I have told him when he screams, no one listens. I have a bag packed and am prepared to leave at this point.

Yoges on October 12, 2019:

I'll just keep silence. Coz no point to react to it.

Reshma on October 08, 2019:

My husband toucher me about dowry... He want only money. He don't want my love n my daughter ..aevery time he is too beat me.

Joti on October 06, 2019:

I got out of 25 years of anger of my estranged husband which yes there times to try working things out..but..the last time he had uncontrollable anger he gave me a black eye and broke my clavicle.. i said enough is enough..

Felice A Espinoza on October 04, 2019:

Some of this is helpful but this is so male bias I don't even know what to say. Why is the responsibility on the abused and the wife? I see this all of the time. We are so conditioned by a patriarchal male world we are taught that bullying is part of it. Bullshit. We are sick as a society. And frankly it should not be up to the women in these relationships to cajole or work with or pay homage or shower compassion on this shit. That's why it continues for generations. There is no excuse for verbal abuse. Ever. I don't care how angry you are. We are setting up patterns where women have to mother their husbands through this bullshit- and that is/was the issue to begin with. I watch boys allowed to throw tantrums as children that girls are not allowed to and punished for. Women/wives die all of the time at the hands if there husbands. You dont see a parallel with what you say here and the responsibility you put on women? Aye theres the rub. #timeformentotakeresponsibilityfortheiraggression

Make myself happy on September 25, 2019:

After reading this article and reading everyone’s comments.. I feel sad for all the woman here:(

If all us woman came together and worked as a team we wouldn’t need any of these men. Truthfully I have been married 23 years, he gets angry, pissy, arrogant, loud, etc.. he’s my pain in the butt. What do I do? Pray a lot and G-D listens:) Bot overnight but G-D will my own will and keeping G-D close he makes things happen.. strange and unbelievable circumstances come to be.. have faith and trust G-D! This book helps u get there: Garden of Emuna!! I read it 3 years ago!! I’m happy all the time no matter how my husband is behaving.. G-D grants me a shield and I don’t feel afraid, sad , or ever alone.

Good luck and G-D bless each of you!!

DnH1 on September 19, 2019:

I try to stay calm and talk it out. It’s not working. It’s like; he doesn’t get it. It is truly like living with Dr Jekyl and Mr Hide.

TurtleBait on September 17, 2019:

I was usually the gal that would respond to his outbursts by crying and internalizing. Over time, it destroyed me. Emotionally, physically, and mentally he broke me down. It took me too long to realize something about this brief moment on Earth to UNDERSTAND something that was told to me many times over by many people. You have to focus on yourself. You absolutely cannot control other people. You cannot control their reactions, attitudes, demeanors, or even core values. With this understanding, it lifted a burden off of my chest that I struggled with for many years.

I read most of the articles. The articles that blame the individual spouses, blamed circumstances, or situations. For anyone going through this, regardless of situation or circumstances there is one thing that is 100% within your control. That is YOURSELF.

You cannot put your happiness in their hands. Do NOT put your self appreciation, self worth, or self confidence in the hands of anyone else!

There was a constant barrage of insults, negativity, and doubt that was and still is present in our marriage. However, I know now that those come from a place of self doubt. Either with him or myself. I will not give him the satisfaction of seeing me upset anymore. Because overall, its not worth it. I mean something to myself and others and I will never let him make me doubt myself ever again.

If you choose to stay; the biggest piece of advice I can give is: hang on to yourself. Do not lose it. Its easy to do when everything around you seems chaotic or negative. It boils down to you.

You CANNOT control or change someone. Even if they have changed for the worst. You can only do you. Stay or go. Brave the storm or brave the unknown.

I will not make excuses for him. I will not say leave or go. Just understand that more than likely he/she is also googling things. They can either choose to be better from self realization, research, therapy, etc., or choose to do nothing. Either way, its not on you. Pick yourself up and become the best version of yourself that you can be.

Hopeless on September 17, 2019:

I am constantly forgiving. Trying to make it work. I feel empty. I want to disappear. This article outlines it perfectly but did not give me hope for anything better. Just how to kerp getting by.

Avan Angeles on September 15, 2019:

I cant believe how many of us woman live the exact same lives

Eliza on September 03, 2019:

Can't get out. Such an empty void. Really quite trapped. Sigh. No looking back, gotta ride the rest of my time out best way possible or not. Why is it so hard to be married, to be unmarried. To be human.

Kel on August 26, 2019:

I too live in a constant negative relationship with an angry man, who is forever blaming me or our kids for his lifes troubles. I keep hanging in there hoping he will just realise what he is doing, but im afraid things wont change. I used to be a very loving affectionate person, but that has all changed. Like so many others ive mainly become numb and have developed anxiety and insomnia issues. The house is peaceful when he is not there.

anonymous on August 25, 2019:

Very good article, however reading the comments related to this article break my heart. I was abused in my first marriage for 19 years. Hubby number 1, was and still is a Professional BLAMER, CHEATER, HATER, LIAR and OPIATE ABUSER, Negative Narcissist. Who Loves being angry as a lifestyle choice.

I accept the blame that I STAYED so long and tolerated the abuse he dished out for so long, until I nearly broke, questioning my own sanity. Of course I had my reasons for staying like many of us all do, KIDS, $$, fear of failure, appearances to family, whatever. One day I finally broke the cycle and created my plan for escape, which took a few months of planning and ups and downs... but did it, and my life has never been better! I was Surprised that I created abundance and my own blessings after making tough choices and advocating for me! I had to learn a few tools before leaving:

1. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK, if you are not happy, its because you are living in some sick cycle of misery. Stop analyzing him ladies, you can't fix him! he is F**CKED UP in the head, its not your fault!! cut your losses and TAKE YOUR POWER BACK from the man you gave it to! and start planning/picturing your life without him! You don't owe him squat, you owe yourself more!! And While you are planning your escape, learn how to set effective boundaries with him to quell the chaos in the household. You have lived with him long enough to know his weaknesses. Get some boundaries skills from a free counselor. and if that does not work get a restraining order when he threatens your life or bodily harm to you, during the NEW process of you taking your power back you are not a possession, and do not belong to anyone!

2., FIND FRIENDS, start building networks outside of the home, and back up COMMUNITY RESOURCES. Women's support shelters for support and family help, daycare, after school programs for kids to help free up some of your time to help yourself..

3. Visit your local courthouse, GET INFORMED visit with your free legal counseling advocates. The more educated you become on the subject of divorce and separation the more options start to open up to you in your future! You start to smell freedom!! and you will start formulating a real plan! There will be pros and cons to prepare for at this stage of court filings. try to take some of the emotion out of it to stay clear headed to make good decisions for yourself. Freedom will mean starting over, don't look back, stay the course. this process sometimes lingers, but I promise, It will end, stay the course!!! You will get that divorce!!!

I am living proof that there is a good life after abuse!!

I got healthier, I have better relationships with people, and I found me again. I learned that I prefer Goodness over Darkness, Happiness over misery. In the end I had to make the tough decisions to save myself.

I don't care how long you have toiled with someone who is angry and mean. You can get out, or kick him to the curb!! Anytime you are ready!

God bless and good luck!

Monica on August 15, 2019:

This article was really helpful for me thankful for the one who published it

Anonymous on August 14, 2019:

I have been with someone for 42 years, married for 35, he has always controlled me, always felt that he can raise his voice to me and if I once raise mine back he sorms off or if on the phone, he puts it down, I have had numerous breakdowns now called crisis, I know I should have done something years ago, because I believe it has damaged our children, because he is difficult with them at times, even though they have both left home, Most of the time I just put up with it, but at times it majes me extremely miserable,vhe is alwys right, and it is either his way or no way, he is extremely mardy,vif things dont go his way

I am filled with scars. on August 11, 2019:

I dont even know where to start. I am so hurt and filled with scars. I have been married for 2 and half years now. After we got married, i moved to the country where my husband lives. Because of the language barrier i have been unable to work. Two months after we got married and started living together. I got pregnant. At first he wanted me to terminate but i refused. How can i terminate my pregnancy when there are married couples out there who are trying so hard to get pregnant but cant. After i became 7 months pregnant i couldnt continue with my language course. So i focused on giving birth to our child. Since we have no family here to help out. I did everything all by myself. And because he is the one working, he nevered for once helped me out yet he complains of me not doing the chores and puting our baby to sleep at the right time. I have been cursed and hunilated even in public. Since we got married, we have never for one day gone out together. Apart from him earning the paying the bills, theres nothing else he does other than hanging out with friends, eating and sleeping except he feels like cooking which hardly happens. My husband gets angry over every little things. He abuses the hell out of me without a good reason. He gets too aggressive with our son and tells me it is part of the training process. He tells me that i dont have to be too nice to our son so as not to get him spoilt. He always wants to make the rules on everything that concerns our son (1-half-year old) without letting me make decisions as a mother. From the cream he uses to sleeping time, how he plays, eat, his religion and so on. I just dont get it. I have been trying so hard to make sure i learn this language and get a good job so i can also support him but he doesnt see all those efforts of mine. When i tell him to help put our son to sleep he refuses. He reminds me that i am not the one paying the bills. He tells me i dont get to make the rules in the house and whatever he says i must abide to it. If threatens me everytime we have quarrels. Sometimes i talk back and try to correct him. Sometimes i just keep laughing, or sometimes i keep my mouth shut and let him screem as much as he wants. He does all sorts of things i dont like but i cannot say anything because i dont contribute to our living expenses.

Whenever i use the word "my baby" or he makes a comment and i respond by using "he is my son" he gets so mad and try very hard to read meanings into every word i say. There are so many that i cant even start to explain because my story will never finish.

I am tired. I just dont know what to do. I feel cheat on, maltreated by the same man i once thought was good to me. Theres no good reason to why he changed. I know he is fustrated because he is the one working for the family but i dont think it is enough reason to treat me the way he does.

It’s hard on August 10, 2019:

What sucks is after one of his fits of rage I’m upset a nervous wreck he goes showers after destroying a few items in our home and calling me a bitch and dumbass and anything else he can think of and telling me how I’m to blame for him being angry, after his shower he’s ready for sex and I’m supposed to be okay and forget all about his rage because he has.... how do y’all deal with that? I can’t it’s too hard to process and switch emotions that quickly.

I agree with sometimes it is what it is on August 10, 2019:

I’m educated sure even have a masters in marriage counseling, However, using what I was trained can only help so much. It’s lije I open my mouth he’s annoyed instantly. Will sigh outwardly and e. This is anything I say. If I try and have a discussion over my opinion on something he will typically scream for me to shut up and drop it. This is only after a minute of talking so yes this to me is disrespectful and quite hurtful. I try to explain that I’m only voicing my opinion and it helps to vocalize my feelings (nothing bad on him or anything). The last time it was my saying that if the tubes are tied a period is pointless as I can no longer have kids. This passed him off so bad. He started calling me sexist etc. I tried to explain helpless to his anger but that only made it worst he went off on a massive rage destroying things in his path. I feel stuck and hopeless. I too have no way to leave him. I have no friends no family. It’s just him and my teens. It’s depressing but it’s easier to soak up the anger take all blame berate myself to him and apologize relentlessly while making sexual passes to calm him down. If I cry he makes fun of me and will tell me I’m being dramatic or if he gets mad at me for anything he says I’m sick of your period must be pretty close because of how your acting. I can’t have my own opinion or likes dislikes he will argue with me that I’m wrong and that isn’t my opinion.... No matter what I’m wrong he’s right I’m nuts he’s perfect. In our church they believe he is a favorite of Gods and he’s damn near perfect. It sucks life is hard. I’m stuck and there is no way out

Donna on August 02, 2019:

If my husband becomes really nasty, I will throw back at him what he is saying to me very calmly and glibly then I disengage. This irritates him to no end. He likes to talk, and talk and talk until you can not take it anymore. He use to be worse, but as you said, a man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you. He is much better, but still tends to be a worry wart about everything and I am carefree. I do not have time for his negativity and toxic behavior. My children are grown and I merely do what I want when his behavior is out of control. He has issues...but he thinks I do. I just don't deal with him and his temper anymore. As I said, I disengage to protect myself.

Deb on August 01, 2019:

A mixture of all of these. It depends.

Sometimes it is what it is on July 28, 2019:

It’s just not that simple. My husband is a pastor. He wears a collar. I have no job, no family, no ability to stand up for myself. I only have two options: one to fight him and feel miserable or two, to just take it and say sorry. Saying sorry is just making it worse now. I am unable to calm him down. I make him so angry

AshWitcombe on July 04, 2019:

Very true

Get help please on June 30, 2019:

Please read about cycles of abuse, it sounds like many of you are in abusive relationships. Also, I encourage those that do not have jobs and stay with angry men to start looking for jobs ASAP. The abuser in your life is completely aware that you are dependent on him and therefore will continue to allow the abuse because you are willing to trade your self-respect for that security. Most angry men are narcissistic and will always blame others for their bad behavior. Walking on eggshells is no way to live. Chances are your family (parents) had a very similar dynamic or at some point you have lost your self-esteem through various bad relationships. Seek a good counselor, find a church, and/ or find a support system. Angry men will isolate you from friends and loved ones and make your life seem “perfect” from the outside which makes it hard.

Being called names is never ok. It’s abuse!!! It’s actually quite childish, it’s like a childhood bully calling you something because they lack communication skills. It’s their weaknesses and insecurities coming out when they do this!!! So the next time they call you a name, just laugh it off and visualize them as a 5 year old throwing a tantrum.

For the people that have been physically assaulted, please seek help in leaving. It will take a more strategized exit plan that may require you to seek shelter in a place that he doesn’t know about. There are so many resources available. Domestic violence will escalate, so please protect yourself and your children from these monsters. Do whatever you can to keep them away from your kids...violence can be passed down to future generations but it’s up to you to stop the cycle.

Find love and respect for yourselves. You all deserve love, kindness, and your minds to be at peace. I have found my peace through church and ministry which has given me purpose and passion again. Praying for all you ladies! God bless you all!

I have dealt with several different types of abusive relationships and realized I was unhealthy and picking unhealthy men. Not an easy pill to swallow but I realized I can only fix me and I can only work on me. Just like he can only work on him. If he loves you, he will do whatever he can to change and if it’s been years, he like it’s (the power and control) more than you!

hatefreezone on June 30, 2019:

I am not married however I have been in this relationship for 10 years. I have been experiencing his anger for that amount of time. At first his explosions including busting walls, doors, one time a new guitar and never ending of "Get the Fout if you don't like it" "shut your effen mouth" at first every 6 mo. 3mo and now who knows when it will happen again.I have become numb, cold and basically cannot stand him. As easy as it may seem I do not know what to do or how to get out of this. I have not one person to turn to. I am so happy when he is not around. I remember how deeply I loved him and now well I do not trust him. I do want to leave him and I just need help. I am a empath but now I could give a shit. He is cruel and I am losing myself with this person. I am losing myself little by little I do not have the energy to continue. I am at that place where I cannot even concetrate or feel authenic joy.

Callie on May 31, 2019:

Robin. in 1998 I was going to take him the usual sandwiches that we took every year to his work gate on Christmas day When his family and friends and myself went to the club for after dinner drinks. We knew he was not happy about being the one to work the double holiday shifts every year in his plant and many times had just tried to get him to use the alternative to making lesser seniority work instead after The New Year. Using personal time his supervisors offered in place of the holiday down weeks. I would have done any thing he wanted if he had just cooperated with the community and his coworkers and just had tried to keep the peace.

I was just putting the dinner we were just wrapping up away that Christmas evening and was getting his sandwiches together to take him with the Christmas gift of a ten, when he stormed through the front door, Slapped his father who was screaming he was to go back to work and we would talk to him the next day about taking time off after the first of the year out of the way and his friend a judge who was responsible for ordering him to work every year was grabbed and told he was not welcome in his house at any time as he landed on his rear in the front yard.

. He told me until he finished his meal if I touched another thing on his table he would break my arms as I plead we were just going out to the club and all because he really was not happy about working the holiday he was making a scene in front of family and friends and he really did not look like he was clean enough covered in metal chips, sweat, coolant. If he wanted that year we would save him a couple of plats for when he came home at midnight and we could talk about rights then

Anonymous on May 31, 2019:

I have been married for 2 years to a man that abused crack. He is hateful and mean to me. He calls me outside my name on a daily basis, most of the time multiple times a day. There is no affection in our marriage anymore. We don’t hug, kids or have sex. When I’m happy, it takes him less than 5 minutes to start being ugly to me so I’ll stop laughing and smiling and joking around. He very rarely helps with household chores. Says that since he does all the cooking (by his own choice) and pays our vehicle insurance and our cell phone bill that he contributes enough. I pay our electric bill and the vehicle note. We are supposed to be building a house. So the last few months, I’ve had no say so where the money is going, or who can handle it. I made a comment about a checking account he’s opened to put the house money in, because he will only have a checkbook for it, no bank card. I made a comment that some places don’t take checks anymore. And he flipped out, calling me a stupid bi*ch. Told me I was dumbas* and told me to shut my fkg mouth. But then turns around and expects me to be happy about this house building thing. I’m scared. I feel stuck. And I’m getting to where I can’t function at my job anymore. Counseling will not help because he won’t pay for it and I can’t afford it. And without that counselor loving under my roof to witness what he’s doing, he’ll do the same thing in there as he’s done with his family and mine, make everyone think our marriage is absolutely perfect!

Anonymous on May 31, 2019:

I have been married for 2 years to a man that abused crack. He is hateful and mean to me. He calls me outside my name on a daily basis, most of the time multiple times a day. There is no affection in our marriage anymore. We don’t hug, kids or have sex. When I’m happy, it takes him less than 5 minutes to start being ugly to me so I’ll stop laughing and smiling and joking around. He very rarely helps with household chores. Says that since he does all the cooking (by his own choice) and pays our vehicle insurance and our cell phone bill that he contributes enough. I pay our electric bill and the vehicle note. We are supposed to be building a house. So the last few months, I’ve had no say so where the money is going, or who can handle it. I made a comment about a checking account he’s opened to put the house money in, because he will only have a checkbook for it, no bank card. I made a comment that some places don’t take checks anymore. And he flipped out, calling me a stupid bi*ch. Told me I was dumbas* and told me to shut my fkg mouth. But then turns around and expects me to be happy about this house building thing. I’m scared. I feel stuck. And I’m getting to where I can’t function at my job anymore. Counseling will not help because he won’t pay for it and I can’t afford it. And without that counselor loving under my roof to witness what he’s doing, he’ll do the same thing in there as he’s done with his family and mine, make everyone think our marriage is absolutely perfect!

Anonymous on May 31, 2019:

I’ve been married 2 years to a man that abused crack. He claims

Robin Hernlem on May 28, 2019:

This article places no accountability on the husband..

just tip toe around walking on eggshells. If that doesn’t work prepare him a healthier meal... joke!

Anonymous on May 27, 2019:

If learned to ignore it but deep down it stresses me because he can go days and it upsets the entire house. The kids see it and he makes comments under his breathe that I swallow. It’s sucks! It’s bullshit and he has managed to put a damper on every holiday or special event in my life. I look forward to being home alone and taking days off alone. It has put a cloud over the marriage by destroying my trust. I stay because I try to forgive and for my kids but it sucks. He’s mad at me for days as I write this. 5 days off stuck at home with this attitude. Bullshit!! It has changed me as a person. I use to hug and kiss and be passionate but it has slowly hardened me. So no I don’t take the abuse and if he pisses me off enough I hammer him back but it just really sucks. If I said what I really wanted to there would be no return so I keep quiet and just so things I like. I work out play piano so my own thing. I’m extremely independent

Nikki on May 26, 2019:

I bought new plants for the apartment without including my husband. He said that we should go get them together months ago and I forgot about the conversation. He's threatening to leave the marriage again. He has threatened to leave several times. He drinks often and is an obnoxious drinker. Yet, he believes that I don't have a reason to leave him. He's angry about society and political issues too. He gets very upset when I drawn boundaries around his vent sessions. His major issue are gays, feminism, and activists. I see his anger as an expression of deep feelings of emasculated. He gets depressed about the political climate. He's very moody and I show compassion as much as I can. I pray all the time just to have the strength to deal with him.

Optimistic girl on May 20, 2019:

Whoa whoa, add fresh foods to YOUR meals? Assuming the woman is stuck in the kitchen preparing food all day and not in the same boat of working all day just as "the man" of the house does? I have lived with an angry man for 40 years, it constantly keeps you on your toes because you never know what will set him off next time. I am still trying to learn to ignore him after all these years. Makes me dislike men in general.

Allison on May 11, 2019:

My husband is brutal. Mumbles cuz he knows I can’t hear. He says mean things and I say mean things back., Or I walk away. Calls me bitch. He just said the other day that I am a bitch and other people feel the same way. The kids are having issues with him too. I am retired and have no money. He demeans me and says ugly ugly things. He’s always making crap remarks about women. They’re too emotional. We have three daughters and they are very upset by us. We have been married so long, and I have never been single and living on my own. I went from living with my parents to getting married. I’ve been married for 40 years and at least 30 to 35 of them have been a struggle. I know I am weak and have No self-esteem. Not sure what to do.

Bren on May 11, 2019:

I have lived with my husbands anger for many years I met him when I was 16 we have been married for 21 years this year... He is an ex policeman with a very bad temper he blames it on financial stress mostly but as he is getting older 50 yrs now he has this blind fury that is affecting my children 15 and 21 yrs.. I feel guilty for staying and I feel guilty for leaving... I just cannot cope with this anymore.. Need some advice

Anon on May 10, 2019:

The author of this advice must be a man.

Frustrated & Lost on May 09, 2019:

We got together when I was 17 and he 18. We have been together 20 years and married 4 years ago. I love him beyond words but not sure why. He use to be different but really not. The first few years we were together he would threaten suicide, so I stayed. He went through a period of road rage and speeding tickets. I threatened to leave if he cost us anymore money or nonsense. He switched jobs (he had a driving job) and it seemed like he was better. He was for several years. Not saying we didn't have our differences but it wasn't as bad as now. Let me mention a few things real quick, we have no children, he has no job (always in and out of jobs) and he smokes marijuana daily. About 10 years ago he started getting sick about every 3 months. He vomits uncontrollably and it lasts about a week each time. It can be as frequent as monthly and up to every 3 months (like clockwork). As soon as he gets sick he wants to go to the hospital. Two years ago he filed backruptcy for $250,000 in medical bills, so now we fight when he gets sick because he wants to go to the ER an I think he can handle it at home. One dr diagnosed it as gastroparesis nearly 8 years ago and several other dr's say it is the chronic marijuana usage (Cannabinoid Hyperemesis Syndrome), but he wont stop (we fight about it every week. I beg him to stop and not spend so much money on it. He doesn't realize it costs us so much more because of his illness. He blames it on his diabetes, but if we could have a better life, why can't he try to quit) and now he is unemployed trying to get disability and trying to lazily start a business building gas powered bicycles (really he is just eating up my money). One of the last fights, I said how are you trying to file disability and trying to start a company, that is not how it works. He said the business is plan b. I have a great job and support us financially but I work on commission so I have bad checks and would love some support but if I bring anything up he flips. I know I haven't mentioned much about his anger but I am on this page for a reason. he is a lunatic getting mad at anything he doesn't agree with. Sometimes breaking and throwing stuff. How I ended up on this page is that I was walking on egg shells about a subject that I felt needed discussing. I work from home and he doesn't work, so he sits there all day long on fb. This facebook was once mine but we had fell apart and cheated on each other 7 years in and after we worked it out we made my facebook joint and I now use it for business. All of my clients are my friends. Well, he was doing his daily nothing but this time he was arguing with people online about gun control. I suggested we remove me from the page and make it his fb, because I don't want my clients to see an opinion that is not mine especially since I am not one to voice an opinion about controversial things. He lost it and said what difference does it make. Why don't I share his opinion that is dumb, I don't allow him to have an opinion, etc. He always accuses me of causing the fight, trying to control him, being his mom, he hates that he has to ask me to spend money (which he is constantly doing), he brings up old stuff, all while screaming and yelling, while a I cry and try to make things better. I am not one to shut up, so when I think he is wrong I in a calm manner (I am not an angry person and I am very patient) have to defend myself which really sets him off. The day before yesterday he wanted to know why I was with him because I dont have his back no matter what. When he anger is most of the time unsubstantiated I have slept in hospital chairs for days on end for him. I do everything for him. I at first was in agreance with him being unemployed because he says he can't work for others. So he went to school but of course he quit. I am self employed and he spends money like crazy. I try to control it and he makes me feel bad and I give in and we're happy for the moment but really now I owe $30,000 in taxes because he says it's dumb that we have to pay taxes and everyone is after him and so on and so on. He blames everyone else but himself. He is making my success a failure and I don't understand why I love him so much and why it is so hard to leave him. I was so close about a week ago but I apologized and reasoned with him, If I leave him a while, he becomes loving again. I feel like this is not abuse because others go through so much more, but I am so tired and he just seems to get worse. He was screaming at me no more than three hours ago. The neighbor asked for a ride, so he left for 20 minutes or so. He just came back and now he is fine. Just came in and gave me a kiss and looked me lovingly in the eyes like if apologizing but he rarely apologizes (I apologize and cry but he hates both. Says I am not sincere and it is dumb that I cry) and of course it will now go away until the next time which gets closer and closer here lately. Everyone thinks our relationship is perfect. My sister once told me our relationship is relationship gold (no more than a year ago). My best friends daughter says relationship goals using us as an example. I even most of the time think it is. Everyone knows he is an asshole but no one knows the depth of his anger like me. My mom once told I new what i was getting into so i just have to deal with it. :( I know I am not going to do anything about it but I hope I one day gain the strength or he changes. He makes be truly believe it is me and at the same time I know it is not.

Anonymous on May 03, 2019:

I'm sorry to tell you, but most of comments here are from women who are abused. You are not married to angry man, you are victim of abuse.

Your husband is responsible of his anger. It's up to him to deal with it, never yours. He is not angry because something happened to him or he was abused. Bad things happen everyone, yet they don't use it as excuse to harm their partner.

He is angry because it makes you afraid, and fear is easy way to control you. When you fearfully tiptoe around his anger, he gets what he needs. Power over your. Control over your life.

Seek help when you still can.

garci on April 30, 2019:

I have read all of your comments. I relate in so many ways than one. How can we fix this? What do we do? I cry so much and feel depressed again.

Leshmo on April 28, 2019:

My husband has been doing basically everyone all y’all comments. Makes me sick! I’m trying to find the courage to leave!!!!! Just need some $ in a nest egg first. No kids thank God but coming up on 14 hrs of marriage. So that’s sad to me to throw it away it he had his hands around my throat and said he didn’t love me anymore. But today oh he was just mad, he loves me. While flipping a lid a few times today and punching me in my wrist to knock them down. It makes me feel so ashamed!!! He thinks he’s so bad and so mean but will only intimidate me who is 5’2 122lbs. I wish someone would stomp him once. That may sound bad but I have Walt with some bad shit!!!! Always “my”fault!

Unknown on April 26, 2019:

This was a good read, im hoping based on how much I ressignate with this article that if I find the strength to follow through with these steps in how to react it will maybe mend our relationship. I also feel like in the comment below my partner may be a narcissist aswell. So hope with me trying hell put in the effort to help himself.

Deborah on April 23, 2019:

They forgot to mention that your angry husband also can be a narcissist. This type gets angry for no reason and it is never his fault.

Over it on April 20, 2019:

After reading this article and over 100 comments that seem to mirror my own life I have finally come to realize that’s it’s not me at all. It’s him. Not saying that I am perfect or without flaws but no matter how angry I get with my husband (I can’t the number on one hand) I would never treat him the way he treats me when he’s upset. Which is about twice a week.

Men are trash. It’s sad to see so many beautiful, loving women being treated like this because these men are too stupid to see what they have and to actually value and respect us. I love my husband but he can kick rocks if he thinks this is what I signed up for. We’ve been together going on 5 years and only married for 8 months.

They need to seek help and get whatever unresolved childhood issues they have resolved. I wasn’t there and I shouldn’t have to suffer because whoever’s responsibility you were chose to abuse that responsibility or neglect it. Man up and Get your shit together. Why should I have to constantly make excuses for an asshole? I have childhood issues too and I’m not going around yelling, demeaning or threatening to leaves every chance I get. I’m over it.

Rose on April 13, 2019:

I have the same problem too, dnt knw wat to do

Rose on April 09, 2019:

Tracy... I went through the same exact thing while pregnant. Let me just say, it doesn't get easier. You're right, they don't change. My husband never sees anything wrong with what he does and says to me. I am tired of this mental abuse and I am stuck not knowing what to do. We have 3 children (including a 7 month old) and I don't know what to do.

lori on April 08, 2019:

My husband gets mad over anything I would always think his gona change but no 19 years have past and he hides his money very upset all the time I can’t hug him goodnight becus his tired and stressed his always in a horrible mood the boys are big already no one wants to be around him . This guy is very dirty and I constantly telling him to pic up his crap and he gets even madder am goin crazy I take lexepro to deal with him it’s time to get out but he wants to fight for the house when he has more houses his an investor flips houses

Me on April 08, 2019:

I can't talk to my husband or do anything without him getting angry. I ask him to spend 10 minutes with me and the kids, he yells at me. I can forget about asking him for anything, or any help. He goes to work and that's it. Any suggestion that he participate at home is met with...you guessed it...more anger. He tries to make everything my fault, and I refuse to let him gaslight me (this is a recent change, and he is extremely angry about it). He wants more and more from me--work full time, still do all the house and kids by myself, maintain my body, have energy for what he calls sex, and somehow manage to do it all on his timetable, at his convenience, without expecting him to contribute, and be willing to drop everything and jump to his whims. Nothing I say or do has made an impact. He wants to be a 1950's husband while expecting me to be a 1950's wife with a 2019 income.

Tired143 on March 28, 2019:

I’m in the same exact boat as you are. This is the exact same situation I’m going threw at the very moment. Simplemom1234