Happily married to the man of my dreams. Self-employed and I help individuals create a web presence for their online businesses.
So your significant other has confessed to something unimaginable that occurred in their past. The problem is that you have already devoted yourself for the long-term and this is really taking a toll on your world. Should you scream and yell? Should you call it quits? It is best to take a moment to breathe and clear your thoughts as much as possible before making a hasty, rash decision. Here are some tips to keep cool if you have to deal with a confession in a relationship.
Why Did You Tell Me This?
Before asking any questions, just think for a minute. Why did he/she reveal this truth bomb? Depending on the actual confession, they may have honestly felt comfortable enough to talk to you about it. No one likes to keep secrets and two of the key factors in a relationship are trust and honesty. However, They could have felt that revealing the truth could strengthen the overall relationship. Perhaps they felt by revealing the truth, it would show that they are ready and willing to be completely open and honest with you from that moment on. These are things to think about before reacting.
Now Ask Questions
Remaining calm, feel free to ask open-ended questions so you can understand whether or not this confession is something that is worth overlooking. It's best to get the information you need so you can take time to process everything that was sprung on you at that moment. This would also be a good time to ask if there are any other confessions that they need to get off of their chest because you prefer to start with a clean slate. This is also a good opportunity to possibly confess something of your own. If you have anything to confess, do it in a way that doesn't come off as condescending or would cause further problems.
Take A Time-Out
Taking a time-out doesn't necessarily mean a permanent separation. This could be as simple as needing some time to yourself, walking the beach or sitting alone in your car to truly think about what just happened. Take these private moments with yourself to fully digest what was confessed and how it will truly affect the relationship or your thought of it. Only you know how this can change your state of mind in the relationship and you deserve to be given the opportunity to really digest and understand the situation.
Know Your Worth
If the confession has you doubting the future, then that is okay and you should never feel obligated to someone just because of time and circumstance. You do not need to stay in a relationship that you don't feel comfortable in. If you are now doubting your partner, then imagine how miserable your future could be if you are always in that particular state of mind. At the same time though, be reasonable. Do not throw away a relationship that you intended to last forever if it is something that can be fixed. Again, only you know how you will be able to process this. Just know that sometimes a problem that seems like a mountain at first blow could actually be a molehill once you work through it.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2016 Chelle Adams
dashingscorpio from Chicago on October 23, 2016:
Especially the tip about taking a time out.
The reality is any decision you make "in the moment" isn't likely how you're going to feel several weeks or months from now.
For example if your mate revealed they cheated on you.
Oftentimes in marriage for instance the betrayed party will strongly consider forgiveness because the shock of being cheated on and having to go through a divorce is just too much for them to handle or process all at once!
However several weeks or months later they reach the conclusion they simply can't move past it no matter how much their cheating spouse has bent over backwards to be transparent or show contrition.
Taking a break gives one an opportunity to grieve and "think" about the long-term consequences of any decision.
Having said that everyone is entitled to have their own "deal breakers" and "boundaries". Most likely your mate would know what those are BEFORE they made their decision to do whatever it is they did.
Generally there are only three reasons why anyone confesses anything.
1. They want you to know all there is to know (before) committing.
2. They have been carrying around unbearable guilt after committing.
3. They want to control the spin; aware the truth is about to come out.
One thing is for certain if you don't trust your mate you're never going to be "all in" with the marriage or relationship again.
If your or your mate has to change your (core being) in order to make a relationship work that may be a sign you're with the "wrong mate".
Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.
The goal is to find someone who (already is) what you want in a mate.