Dreamworker has had a lifetime of experience dealing with various types of relationships successfully.
Every day wives find out that their husbands are having affairs with other women and to somehow justify his actions, blame themselves for the problem.
Although it is easy to think that you could have been more attentive, loving and kind, the truth is that nothing you could have done would have kept him from cheating.
There is always another woman waiting to lure a husband away from his wife, but that does not mean that he has to take the bait.
What a wife thinks may be good reasons for his cheating, most often are the stuff of wrong thinking. Here are some things they should consider before blaming themselves for their husbands' infidelity.
He Is Not Happy
The man you love is betraying you, but if it is not with the woman you know him to be seeing, he would be cheating on you with somebody else.
It really does not matter because the things that have driven him from you do not change, no matter who his new partner is because he simply is not happy.
You will assume this is because you think you
- were not paying enough attention to him,
- abused him in some way,
- put him second or third instead of first,
- allowed yourself to deteriorate,
- did not communicate well with him,
- nagged him too much,
- spent too much of his hard earned money,
- expected him to do more than his capabilities allowed,
- did not try to get along with his relatives,
- did not cook or keep house properly for him,
- denigrated him in front of others or
- simply did not let him know regularly and often that you truly love him.
While all of these issues are possibilities, the truth is that no matter how poorly you have behaved, your husband had the option of trying to work through these problems with you in an effort to improve your marriage.
The underbelly of what really may have been going on is that the two of you had different sex drives, you got to the point where your careers and responsibilities simply made both of you too tired to work through your problems or one of you may have been trying to use sex as a weapon in order to control the other.
Although this second batch of problems runs much deeper than the first, couples who have the desire to make improvements in their relationships do have the option of getting professional counseling.
If this is your situation, when your husband decided to become unfaithful, he was choosing to cope by ignoring the issues the two of you have and seeking his joys and comforts elsewhere.
What he chose to do was not your fault. It was his.
The Marriage Is Badly Damaged
The first thing every wife of a cheating spouse should do is try to figure out why a man, whom she considered to be decent, honest, kind and loving would betray her with another woman.
The first place she should look to find answers is within her marriage.
At one time, their union might have been the stuff dreams were made of, but over time, things change.
Recognizing this fact and being realistic about it, allows a wife to think about the possibility that she might have been living in the past emotionally. When this is the case, she might have ignored the decline in their relationship, thus allowing it to slip away right before her eyes.
You don't have to be a Rhodes Scholar to realize that the two of you
- can never seem to agree on anything the same way you did in the past,
- are not sharing your life together as you used to and
- rarely are happy from one day to the next.
When this is the case, intellectually speaking, there is no true marriage. Due to the burdens of every day living, the two of you simply let your relationship slide, often, without even realize you were doing it.
Some people, rather than trying to repair the situation, simply go elsewhere for support and solace. It is not the best way to handle this type of situation, but it is a choice they make because to them, it just seems easier than having to deal with the issues that revolve around divorce.
Nobody ever wants to admit failure, so by cheating they are able to maintain the farce of a marriage and still meet their own emotional and physical needs.
Your Husband Is Having Mid-Life Crisis
You are probably asking yourself , if your husband is a mentally stable man,why is he risking everything he has spent years to attain to betray you?
Is it that his passions or desires for tasting forbidden fruit have overcome his common sense or is it that something is missing in his life. Probably it is a combination of both things.
Somewhere between the ages of 30 and 50, many people (women included) start to question where they are in life and whether they have missed out on something. They see that they are beginning to age, and many do really stupid things in an attempt to grab on to some joy before they grow too old to have it.
This is where you see older men wearing pony tails and earrings, getting tattoos, driving around in snazzy sports cars and spending time with much younger women.
For as long as this mental crisis lasts, those who do such things act this way because they are trying to recapture their youth. Perhaps a man wanted a Corvette when he was younger but could not afford one. Now he can, and by golly, he's not going to miss out on having one because if he waits, he'll be too old or sick to enjoy it!
The cheater is running around acting like a fool, while his wife is left wondering what she should do.
There is nothing a wife can do, and she certainly should not blame herself for her husband's aberrations.
After awhile, most men come to their senses and try to return home. Some are able to rebuild their former relationships, but some find that their wives have moved on with their lives and are not interested in doing this.
Either way, none of this has anything to do with the behavior of the wife. His crisis is his problem, not hers!
He Never Really Grew Up
Many people enter marriage without a full understanding of it.
Men, in particular, can be very bad about this because many never really grew up.
Their mothers babied them, and they never learned how to be to be responsible on the level that marriage requires.
When a man is immature, he simply is unable to cope well enough emotionally in a long term relationship to be successful.
He is not able to deal with issues such as
- serious financial problems,
- raising children,
- dealing with illness or
- job loss.
A man who is basically immature should never try to marry. If he does, and the pressures become to much for him, his first response will always be to run away. Many in this situation make sure they are running into the arms of another woman.
The only blame the wife has in this instance is that she chose the wrong man to marry!
He Wants to Force a Divorce
Finding a way to tell your wife that you no longer want to be married to her may mean dealing with
- harsh accusations,
- ugly confrontations and
- threats of all kinds.
Your husband does not want to victimize himself, so he decides to give you a reason to divorce him.
To him, this is the lesser of two evils. For you, it is an opportunity for righteous indignation. It's not fun either way, but it may eventually explain his infidelity.
Can a Couple Overcome Infidelity?
The betrayal of marriage vows always ends in a big mess that is difficult and sometimes impossible to repair.
Cheating causes mistrust, and it is hard to continue on with a relationship where trust is missing. Some people try to forgive for the sake of their families, but the only real answer is to seek professional counseling to see if there is a way to salvage what remains of the marriage.
Sometimes this works; other times it does not.
This is why it is best for both partners, starting on day one of their marriage, to do everything possible to make one another happy and to honor their vows.
It is good to try to understand the issues, but it is best to avoid having to deal with them altogether!
However, if you do discover that your husband is cheating on you, remember that the blame is his, not yours because there were many choices he could have made other than to be unfaithful.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2015 Sondra Rochelle
ll on February 03, 2020:
I know a guy at work who tried to cheat on his wife with me. He also told me that he cheated on his wife before with another married woman for 6 months when he was in his later 30th - he said he cheated to save his marriage. He justified his action - he lied and cheated and did it all secretly - he came to me to confess - saying he lied to his wife. Well, now in his late 50TH - His wife is no longer interested in sex - so he is once again wanted to cheat on her - and of course the wife has no clue that he cheated - also - I wonder if she knows and ignores it.
Whoever wrote this article must be a she -
What do you know if the husband loves most of everything about the wife - the ONLY major thing he is missing is the sex. How does he go about to resolve his sexual need? if he talked to the wife about his sexual needs and she heard it but still not compatible with him on sexual level. So he went outside looking for another woman to have sex with.
Sorry the wife, but you can't blame it's all on him or said that "none of this has anything to do with the behavior of the wife. His crisis is his problem, not hers!"
It's not your fault that you are not interested in sex the same level as your husband, but at the same time you can't blame it all on him for go outside for sex?
at least take some responsibility -
Sondra Rochelle (author) from USA on April 17, 2016:
dashingscorpio: Of course what you say makes a great deal of sense, but in my mind, people stay in unhappy or unfulfilling marriages because they either want to have their cake and eat it too or don't want to deal with the problems that go along with getting divorced, especially the financial ones. Some, of course, simply do it because it feeds their egos or titillates them. No matter the reason, cheating is a terribly dishonest and hurtful thing to do to another human being. It's the ultimate betrayal.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on April 17, 2016:
Monogamy is a lifestyle (choice) and not a DNA code.
People often pose the question:
If he/she were so unhappy why didn't they just leave?
The goal of most cheaters is to (compliment) what they already have. The goal of a cheater is to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side.
These so called "needs" vary from one cheater to another.
Cheaters typically have no desire to (replace) one relationship with another. Whatever is missing in their marriage does not rise to the level of divorce in their mind. In some instances people cheat in order to STAY in or tolerate an unhappy marriage.
Awhile back on HP a question was asked:
Is sexual incompatibility a valid reason for ending a marriage?
Over 90 percent of the responses were "no".
That's exactly how cheaters feel too! If the problem in the marriage was a "deal breaker" in their eyes they would have filed for divorce!
For example a married man with three children in a sexless marriage who has tried talking to his wife and she's tried hormone therapy but ultimately has no desire to have sex is left with 3 options.
1. Accept the fact his sex life is over.
2. Run down to the courthouse to file for divorce, move out of his home into a one bedroom apartment, become weekend dad, pay child support and possibly alimony, divide assets as well as family and friends as they are likely to "choose" sides.
3. Find a woman who is attracted to him and (wants) to have sex with him.
Since most cheaters don't expect to be caught option #3 is often chosen.
I believe there are 3 basic cheaters
1. The Incessant Cheater
This person has never been faithful in any long-term relationship. They get bored easily and for them monogamy is the equivalent of an overweight person attempting to go on a very strict diet. It's not a matter of (if) they will cheat but rather (when) they will cheat. Their motto is:
"Variety is the spice of life!"
2. The Unbelievable Opportunity Cheater
Unlike the Incessant he is not proactively looking for someone new. Generally someone hits on him or makes it known that he could have her. Sometimes this person is one they had a secret crush or have fantasized about. Out of the blue the opportunity lands in their lap! This cheater is guilty of (caving in to temptation). If he truly is "in love" with his wife he may end up confessing without being caught weeks, months, or even years later. Guilt eats away at them.
3. The Discontented Cheater
He blames YOU! If you hadn't done or stopped doing something they never would have stepped outside of the marriage. Essentially they no longer felt "special" in the relationship. A stranger came along and put a smile on their face and in their heart. "One thing led to another".
From their point of view the part of the vows that states they will "forsake all others" was made with the belief that their spouse was committed to being there for them in the ways they needed. If the refrigerator at home is empty they will find food somewhere else.
You said: "Every day wives find out that their husbands are having affairs with other women and to somehow justify his actions, blame themselves for the problem."
I believe these wives go through this exercise in order to give themselves permission to "forgive" and stay in the marriage.
If she simply blames it all on him she worries about loosing face to family and friends when she decides to stay.
The reality is very few people want to admit cheating is not an automatic "deal breaker" for a lot of people!
There is no such thing as an "universal deal breaker".
Whatever you or I could come up with there is someone living under those conditions who has no plans of ever walking away.