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Why Women Fall For Married Men, and How to Move On Once You Have

Updated on October 31, 2016

Have You Ever Experienced An Illicit Affair?

Have you ever been either the other woman or the married man in a steamy love affair?

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(...or "Woe to the Other Woman")

It's A Hard Life

Being taken out to eat in fancy restaurants, constantly being showered with expensive gifts, and being flaunted around town for your dynamic personality and exotic looks isn't all it's cracked up to be! Sure, from the outside looking in, many women may say, "Hell, I'd trade places with that high-priced floozy any day." Trust me, sisters, if you ask a woman who has played the Mysterious Mistress before, she'll tell you: be very careful what you wish for.

A Married Man Is A Needy Woman's Holy Grail

Cleverly maneuvering through his initial defenses, skillfully playing to his wounded ego, and expertly becoming every thing that his wife is not, intrigues the best She-diana Jones. Why is it that so many ladies spot a wedding ring and suddenly transform into this cunning huntress, ready to devour her prey the second he lowers his unsuspecting head towards her blossoming cleavage? Two words: competition and challenge.

When a man appears to have it all - a loving wife, stable family, beautiful home, and successful business - women can't seem to help themselves from falling all over him. We are so accustomed to being hounded by men and having to push them off of our derrieres in the club that when we happen upon an attractive man who actually seems not to want to jump our bones, we are spellbound. Nothing can break the enchantment until we've tested the waters to see just how anxious that fish is to chomp on the hook.

Not To Free Him From Any Responsibility

These men aren't innocent little puppies being led to slaughter. No, in actuality, a married man is extremely aware that he's a hot commodity. Many men will admit that they enjoy wearing their wedding rings, because it seems to attract more women their way! A shackled beau realizes once they have made it clear to a woman that they are married, if she continues to flirt with him, every thing is now gravy. This woman is up for anything that comes her way. She recognizes the game, and she's all suited up and ready to play quarterback.

What's His Excuse?

Why does a seemingly happy man cheat on his sweet, supportive wife that waits patiently at home for him to finish up his "late nights at the office"? That is the million dollar question! Many of you won't enjoy hearing the answers, but here it is, in black and white (keep in mind that the answer in any specific situation may contain one or more of the following reasons):

  1. She laughs at his lame jokes, while his wife has resorted to rolling her eyes and shaking her head.
  2. She tells him how gorgeous and strong he is at every opportunity.
  3. She is easy to be around and doesn't nag him about bills, the kids, and "honey-do lists".
  4. She is ready to have wild, uninhibited sex with him whenever he asks for it.
  5. His friends like her better.
  6. She makes him feel like a genius.
  7. The sneaking around gives him a rush.
  8. She's hotter than his wife, and that makes him feel hotter.
  9. She's younger than his wife, and that makes him feel younger.
  10. She always wants to have fun, even if that means bungee jumping off of a bridge at midnight.

The really sad part is, many wives could have written this list themselves, and yet they still will refuse to make any effort to change and provide their husbands with a little bit of Mysterious Mistress behavior at home!

What's Her Excuse?

Now, why do the "other women" fall for these obviously spoken-for men? (Again, not every reason will apply to every situation.)

  1. There is no fear of commitment. She knows he just wants a good time.
  2. She wants to prove that she has something he wants that his wife doesn't have.
  3. She wants to feel loved, wanted, and desired.
  4. He gives her luxurious gifts, takes her on trips, etc.
  5. He is gorgeous, and she doesn't care about the consequences.
  6. The sex is amazing, and she doesn't care about the consequences.
  7. She doesn't think she can do any better.
  8. She's naïve enough to believe that he truly cares for her, and may someday leave his wife.
  9. Deep down, it gives her a sense of accomplishment to know he is choosing her over his other commitments.
  10. It's fun, it's bad, and that's all she wants out of life.

Reaping What She Sows

What happens when the fun and games come to a screeching halt? It is nearly impossible to spend a great deal of time with a person of the opposite sex, have intercourse with them on a fairly regular basis, share intimate thoughts and feelings, and not develop an emotional attachment to them. Regardless of how or why the affair began, the end result is usually a couple of people who find themselves entangled in a web of lies and deceit in which they both know the ending can not turn out well.

Whether the two are caught in the illicit affair by the spouse, one of them decides they must confess their sins to the wife, or they split up of their own accord, this is a losing situation for all involved. No one wins, because someone will get hurt in the end. Of course, there are those exceptions to the rule, where the couple ends up finally in a legitimate relationship, and the married man gets an official divorce. However, can you imagine the thoughts that must torture the woman's soul, every time her conquest calls to tell her that he will be late coming home? How can she ever be sure that the way that she got him won't be the exact way that she loses him to someone just like her?

How To Pick Up the Pieces

The only way that a former mistress can salvage her own self-respect and move on with her life is to learn the true meaning of forgiveness. She must first learn how to forgive herself for placing herself in such a predicament, and secondly, she must find a way to bring herself to forgive the man with which she has spent so many precious moments. Time is our most valuable commodity. We can't get it back once it's been wasted, and we can't buy more of it, no matter how much money we make.

The key is to realize that people make mistakes every day, and that the only good that can come from those mistakes is to learn from them. A woman who has made the decision in her past to be with a married man needs to do some serious introspection. What was it about herself that caused her to be attracted to someone who was already committed to someone else? What was the real reason behind her bad choices? What can she do from this point on to ensure that those same mistakes aren't made over and over again in the future? Here are five important steps that must be taken in order to successfully move on:

  • Forgive. The first step is to forgive yourself and to forgive everyone else involved in the situation. No one was forced to act as they did, and everyone played a part.
  • Do some introspection. Why did you make the decisions that were made?  What is it within your own psyche that caused you to act on this obsession, over and over again?
  • Find a solution. How can you ensure that this won't be a choice that you will make again?
  • Reach out to friends - old and new. When we engross ourselves in a relationship, we tend to neglect the people around us who truly care. Reach out and reestablish old connections for support.
  • Focus on productive projects. Now is the perfect moment to take all of the time that has been freed up in your social schedule and devote it to something that will better your life. Open a new business, learn a new skill or trade, join a committee, or take a class. Working on yourself will benefit every one involved, and the hurt of a dissolved relationship will be less difficult to manage.

A woman must know that she doesn't have to be a victim. She has control over her reaction and response to the things that happen in her life. Her past does not need to dictate her future, and she can grow and improve from this. Once she's found a way to love herself, only then will someone else be able to genuinely demonstrate their love for her.

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      nice 7 weeks ago

      This article is RIGHT ON 100% agree. "What's his excuse" sound very reasonable - I mean the cheater kind of guy can't resist temptations. "What's her excuse" I found it NOT SO reasonable or strong enough. Really women? you are better that that. Women you need to find happiness within yourself FIRST your confidence your self-respect, your independence... etc....BEFORE you begin to find love by then you will recognize the right kind of love and avoid the bad kind of love. Don't believe those married guys - they have games you better watch out or you become his victim. Be smart about it - or you will waste your time, your life, causing so much trouble and pain for yourself and everybody else. NOT SO WORTH IT.

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      Susan 3 months ago

      This really happened and can happen to anyone who gets involved with a married man. I was the wife and another woman moved in on my marriage. He didn't leave me - I dumped him because he was a lousy husband, not knowing what was making him a lousy husband. He was such a good liar I did not know that he was cheating until people who I thought were my friends told me after I dumped him. I do not know how many women he cheated with, or for how long or how long he was cheating with the last woman. Let's call this last woman Sheridan.

      Sheridan was desperate for my husband. She was with him as soon as we were separated in the way that was obvious they were together before we separated. My family saw them together as a couple shopping for furniture the week we got separated. She got her wish when I dumped him, but he kept calling me at work and saying that he would dump her in a split second if I took him back but I said that he was no good for me and that he obviously didn't think much of our marriage since he was involved with another woman the minute we are separated. All the while Sheridan actually thinks that he and her are forming a loyal relationship and the whole time he still kept telling me that all I had to do was give the word and he would dump her on the spot. I let him know the truth that getting involved with another woman sealed his fate that I would never take him back. He probably thought it would make me jealous and that he could get me back that way, but I don't play those games and I am not like that.

      Fast forward nearly 2 years later my husband and I have to go and sign divorce papers. I thought I would have to meet him at the lawyer in the city or something like that. We didn't even have to be there at the same time to sign the divorce papers, but weirdly he wants to pick me up to go sign the divorce papers together. He picks me up in Sheridan's car. They were still together and living together by that time. She really thought she had it made by that time, but she had no idea of the truth. My husband told me that she was jealous and upset that we are going to sign the divorce papers together. I just mentioned how silly that was and she shouldn't get involved with a married man if she is jealous of the husband and wife together just to sign divorce papers.

      He puts a cassette in the player and says that this is the music that Sheridan likes. I had no idea why he was telling me this. It was weird that I was in her car with him and he was telling me things she likes. I did not realise that he was trying to prime me up to be jealous of her by talking about her as a precursor to what he was about to do next. Except that I am not feeling jealous because by this time I am over him and can't stand the sight of him after how little he thought about our marriage.

      He pulls over and parks the car. He tells me that Sheridan is deeply in love with him. I get the message that she feels totally secure with their relationship and she thinks he wants to stay with her. He tells me that because she is so deeply in love with him that she would be totally shocked and deeply hurt and it would cause her terrible long lasting pain if he broke it up with her. He then tells me that he loves her too (trying to make me jealous so what he says next will work for him). He then informs me that he is willing to dump her on the spot and have nothing further to do with her if I take him back.

      He must think that I hate her and would like to get revenge on her for being with my husband and literally moving in on my marriage, so he keeps dangling the opportunity in front of me how badly I can hurt her and how much pain I can cause her if I take him back because she has no idea at all that he still wants to be with me. She really believed that she had him and that he wanted nothing to do with me. She had been totally duped in the worst way. He was using her to get me back.

      I thought it was eerily callous how detached he sounded when he was talking about how badly hurt she would be if he left her and that he would dump her if I would just say the word. He also sounded eerily detached when he said how hurt she would be, and that he loved her but that he would get over her because the marriage meant more to him than the short term desperate relationship with her which revolved around her being jealous of me. Like most women who go for married men - she was easy to get and I think that made her less attractive as well.

      He kept dangling in front of me the chance to hurt her really bad and put an end to his love for her - literally handing me her sad fate on a silver platter. He told me that if I will not take him back that he would be with her as second choice to me, because this is the last time he can try to get me back because we are signing our divorce papers now.

      What did I do? Well everyone reading this you know, and we all know, what most women would do. They would take the chance to teach Sheridan a lesson and vindictively rip her heart out by taking him back - and she probably deserved it. But I just said to my husband if he were even remotely good enough to be my husband we would not even be having this warped conversation. I was not even tempted to cause her any pain and I was just thinking how callous he sounded and it just turned me off him even more - if that was even possible. In most cases this would not have ended this way and she would have been left hurt by a scorned wife.

      So - let this be a warning to all you women who get with married or newly separated men. You really think you know what is going on but you don't know anything about what is really going on. These married men are using you for one thing or another. Sheridan thought she had the perfect love but she was just a pawn that he was using for a crutch to lean on rather than be alone and as a tool to try and get me jealous to take him back, but he totally read me wrong. The only thing that can keep me in a marriage is doing the right thing by me like I do by him and honour the marriage like I did to the very last day. But he chose to screw with me and no one gets away with trying to play me like that. I don't play it.

      Sheridan had no idea about what my husband tried to do that day. She has no idea to this day that she was second choice and that she will never be anything but second choice. I didn't have kids with him so we never saw each other again. I was told by someone that he married her, had kids with her then dumped her. That is what will happen to you when you cling to someone who was not ready and still not over their marriage when you move in on someone's husband. That's Karma.

      I found out later that my husband was embezzling money out of our marriage the entire marriage by lying about loans he had to pay money to from loans he had before we were together and after too. I was also told by these fake friends that during the marriage he was having sex with injecting drug users.

      This is the kind of man who has affairs and these are the kind of fake friends that you will end up with if you do end up with a married man by any chance. All of our friends knew about this when we were married and they all kept it secret from me. They all looked me straight in the eye PRETENDING to be my friend but they were just back stabbing criminals helping my husband commit a felony crime against me. They all let him make off with many thousands of dollars and waiting until it was too late for me to do anything about it before telling me. So I made the right decision by dumping him and refusing to take him back, and he probably embezzled money out of his marriage with Sheridan too.

      Needless to say that I do not, and have have never been involved with a married man and that is why I live a happy, harmonious and contented life, and have everything I want in life.

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      phyllis 3 months ago

      Ai dated a married man for 9years he dated multiply women i thought it was only me and the wife we had very bad verbal situation

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      Riya 3 months ago

      i am in relationship with a married man from last 4 years, i was aware of his marriage and his 2 kids, before starting this relationship, he told me he is married and not happy with his wife, his father left her mother for another women so he didn't want to do the same with his wife, so i agreed with him and we started dating. Like others i also want to be with him all the time but it's not possible and i do understand that so we only chat and go for outing on Sundays, but things get worse when his wife get to know that he is involved with someone and started fighting in front of his kids and mother, and after that he started convincing her that he only loves her and affair which he is having is only a fling and already finished but still he didn't leave me and continue the relationship by giving reason he can't hurt her mother because she spent her life without his father and don't want give reason to anyone to scold her '' like father like son'', so i understand his situation because he told me he loves me and will always be with me, but since his wife get to know about his relationship he shorten my time in his life and started giving time to his wife and family, whenever he go somewhere with them he clicked couple pics and updated them on social media.

      I told him many times that i don't like to see him with her so close and he assure it's just for social nothing else, but pics describes something else. He stated going out more frequently with them rather than me and started making memories with them. I had made an e-mail id to collect all pics we click together for memories and i used to see them to cherish our moments but he never shows interest to see those pics.

      Now he started hiding things from me like going out with family or sharing moments with relatives and friends and when i get to know the same through pics or by other persons i feel bad that he is not sharing with me and his answer was, i didn't feel this so important to tell you as it’s just a small thing.

      Twice i catch him chatting with another girls (his wife's friend and another girls) on social media, and he says his wife already known about it as what important for him to tell his wife should know about what he is doing and if she knows he don't feel important to tell anyone else.

      We started arguing more often but it doesn't affect his mood in anyway and i starting having migraine and anxiety problem.

      He gave me excuses of his health if i ask him to go on long drive of outing but when it comes to his family he did for them no matter how long he had to drive.

      In earlier, he used to explore new places with me and than he take his family there but now the situation is opposite, he takes his family first and then if i saw the pics he take me there.

      Now i get to know i am just a toy for him to play whenever he had an argument with his wife or he need to get physical. That's it.

      It's been a month since i am not talking to him, we work together so i had to talk to him professionally but i don't talk to him personally.

      He picked me and drop me but whole way we keep silence, i know i am being childish by putting myself in non talking zone but seriously i don't know what exactly i should do.

      I am completely stressed out and don't know where to go and what to do. He passes negative comments on my pics on my personality my behaviour and trying to lower my self esteem.

      Basically he is trying to broke me and make me beg for his love and attention because as per him no one will like me or indulged with me in future.

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      Good affair bad marriage 7 months ago

      I've been in this situation a few a times.

      1) When I first started dating my husband, there was this pretty young woman who was at a few of his family's parties and acted like a jilted girl friend. I was very openly dating him and the girl friend at the time and had been for about two months, so I didn't think too much of it. I thought they'd dated for a while and she just wasn't over it yet. In hindsight she was probably the jilted fiancé. (In my husbands culture you don't bring home a lover unless you plan to marry that one.)

      2) My husband's hypothetical first wife back in (country of origin). I don't if she is real or just a suspicion, but that group is oooolllllldddd school. They fall in love, have sex, and there's your family. It's a very monogamous culture, the men as much as the women. It's very family oriented and community oriented. Respect is a high value. They usually marry young. My husband was 27 when I met him. I wondered if he left a wife and child behind. I don't think he left a family behind, but even now I'm not 100% sure.

      3) We had been dating almost 2 years and my husband asked me to marry him. He said he had a better offer to help

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      Bad marriage good affair 7 months ago

      I've been in this situations a few times.

      1) When I started dating my husband there was this pretty young woman at a few of his family's parties who acted like a jealous girl friend. I had been dating my husbnd for about two months by then, and the very much the girlfriend so I just assumed they'd had a serious relationship and she wasn't over it yet. In hindsight she was probably the jilted fiancé. (In my husbands culturally you don't bring home a lover unless you intend intend to marry them.)

      2) My husbands hypothetical first wife back in (country of origin). Now I don't know if this person actually exists or is just a suspicion. That culture is old school. They fall in love, have sex, and that's their family. It's a very monogamous culture, the men as much women. Family is to them what money is to us, and a motherhood is very highly valued, even outside of wedlock. Within a couple the men are very much expected to be caring responsible family men. Respect is very highly valued. There are reasons I married the idiot. They typically marry young and he was 27 when I met him. I've suspect there was no wife and child, maybe girlfriend he got pregnant who told him to beat it, but I've been watching a long time, and even now I'm not 100% sure. I felt guilty of about this for a long time, but if he left a wife behind I did her a favor.

      3) When my husband asked me to marry him, we'd been dating almost two years and living together one. I didn't want to get married yet. He did. He said he had a better offer to help him with his immigrarion situation. Could have been a new one, or it could have been the jilted fiancé.

      4) This is my marriage, the legitimate one. He wouldn't move out of my parents house and live together because I wouldn't buy a house I couldn't afford and he didn't want to spend money on an apartment. I emotionally drifted part after 6 years. He didn't care. He still pulled the " I'm a virgin, teach me" card in bed after 8 years of marriage. I can't remember exactly when it started but he became verbally absuive some time between when we got serious and the second year of marriage. He won't go to school, even with free housing and tuition, and has no skills so he can't provide. He won't watch the kids in his off time so I can work around his schedule. I haven't had a private conversation with him once, ever. And he tends to involve everyone else in our household decisions, and inform me after the fact and expect me to go along with it.And worst of all he won't go away. I'm working on an Internet coaching program (like counseling but cheaper and easier for a stay home mom) to get stronger. Then when I am ready I am going back to work, saving money, and *I* am moving out of *my* mothers house with the kids. I am looking for to a nice long time of being single and working on me.

      (Why yes he has his own side of the story, no longer loves me, and I screwed up too. All the more reason for him to go live with his relatives and take his parenting time.)

      5) This is my affair. I had a man who became a good friend, and then an emotional affair, and then physical. He didn't mean to fall in love. Neither did I. He was always very honest that he would have married me if he's met me earlier but he would never leave his family. I didn't want him to. (Similar culture to my husband, the right thing to do in this culture is to fall have a secret affair not divorce. Divorce has very different consequences in extreme poverty in the developing world without birth control.) He was kind to me when I needed it most. He explained a lot of what my husband verbal abuse meant because it was culturally based, and he believed in me. He taught me to see the world in new ways. He made me happy. How? He humbled me and made me grateful. He believed in me. That belief challenged me to live up to his belief. He also showed me I could have a quality of man I never imagined would even look at me. I was kind to him and it seemed good in some way for him too. When you get stronger you do better...which means no affair. For him that meant cutting off contact with me and going back to his wife and family. For me it meant getting out of this exercise in futility that passes for a marriage, supporting myself, living on my own as an adult and resolving what internal problems led me to fall for this crap and go along with it for so long.

      7) My husbands (latest?) affair. Why you}*#*#^£#*}*z. While I was begging you to do things with me and the kids, and you where playing hard working immigrant family man, on the rare times you do something as a family you were texting another woman for pictures of her ass? Oh right this is suppose to be about the mistress. Well, when he's dumping his emotional problems on you, he leave my daughter alone. So you're welcome to all he misery you can endure. But woman to woman? RUN.

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      ABC 10 months ago

      Not sure where to begin. I have been in relationships that are not strictly or morally right but add a lot of value to the lives involved. So there is no sex but some physical contact and a lot of emotional support and conversations about life and other important things. There is love .... love of a kind which is a lot more emotional than for the physicality of it.

      While some part of me says it is wrong, the happiness that the relationships bring make them worth continuing and the relationships very special. Any thoughts on whether its ok to continue?

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      Anonymous 12 months ago

      This article really helped! But i just need to see him for the last time, i m in love with him, i cant jusr help it..

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      lost.my.faith 2 years ago

      I was in an emotional affair with a married man and as a young christian I knew it was wrong but I was so addicted to him it became so strong we did sexual things but never full intercourse. In a way I think this was the worst kind of affair. It wasnt about the thrill for me I actually believed I was in love with this guy. I broke it off many times but in total it lasted two years on and off. I left my job moved home and church to avoid it continuing All said and done he came back to me after two months crying saying hes getting a devorce and at this point I fliped and felt my heart break for his family and myself knowing I could never marry or have his children. I left him forever that night. Moved citys the works but iv lost my faith as a result.

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      levertis steele 2 years ago

      The greatest wifely skills used to the hilt won't stop a married man from cheating if he is addicted to the thrill of creeping, chasing, and pouncing upon forbidden game. The hunter enjoys the game he kills much better than ones he does not have to chase anymore. Such individuals, man or woman, are not fit for marriage. They usually find themselves prostitutes/mistresses and cheating spouses.

      "A dog is man's best friend" because they have so much in common. If you have closely watched the behaviors of dogs, males and females, you know this is true. A male dog will allow a female he wants to mount to eat all of his food in order to get her to submit. He will hang around her for days, play with her, chase her, protect her, and fight other dogs ferociously to win the right to mate with her. How strong is his desire to mate! When he finishes with her, he sniffs for another. If he cannot find another mate, he will chase balls, frisbees, cats, cars, or anything to get that thrill that he craves.

      The human animal is resorting more and more to the behaviors of inferior animals. Do we wonder why some humans mate with animals, especially dogs? They both share animal behaviors.

      Someone needs to write a hub on "How to Avoid the Mistake of Marrying a Canine."

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      Happiness 2 years ago

      Thanx a lot, this could maybe help me to move on. I m in love with a married man, who is my long lost boyfriend and when we met after 11yrs, i found out that he is now married, but still love him so much, my heart beat faster when i think of him and he says he feels the same, i do not love anyone anymore but him, he is the first thing on my mind when i wake up and the last thing when im going to sleep i don't know if i could be able end things with him, but i want to let go and move on

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      Emily Grahalva 2 years ago

      Hi, I've been dating a married man for I don't know how long. I'm still in highschool and he is 22 has a wife and two kids. His wife knows that I'm with him she's even started to stalk us or leave work early to see if I'm at there place. I love him so much he makes me feel special actually wants to get to know me, he says he's leaving his wife and that me and him can get our own place in April. But I feel really guilty, what will happen with his kids, and is he really telling me the truth. I'm scared, his wife knows where I live, there's been a few times she's driven down to my place to talk to me face to face, we totally hate each other but I believe she doesn't deserve him she's an all round horrible person, she forced him to marry her. But I just don't know what to do, I need help please!

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      miss joy 5 years ago

      I ordered a spell on a friday night and on Monday the place I applied for a job called for me to come by their office. They gave me the job I applied for and made me an offer of more per hour than I have ever made in my life! I am so happy! The government jobs sometimes are a slow process. You somehow managed to speed up that process, and I start in just a few days! dr,kokotemple i will be forever geartful thank ones again ok you can call on him for help on his email address dr,kokotemple@gmail.com

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      anita 5 years ago

      hi,i had a relationship with a married man and am also married with a loving husband and 2 sons. something went wrong in my marriage in 2008 and i got involved with this man who also had 2 sons. everything was discrete but his wife suspect him having an affair with me. always accusing me but she never liked me. he spilled the beans and i had to tell my husband. the sex was not that great but he was a loving person and always treating me(we like that) i was a ruff time for me and lost about 15kilos and in 2010 my husband want aother child and that i gave it to him because my lover just left me like that and did not even asked forgiveness. now all of a sudden is all around my family but they did not know them . i saw him for the first time in 4 years and i know that he wanted me to see him and i also wanted to see him or make contact with me but i can't take this risk and will call it a day with him. i love my family but i also want to know why did he left me just like that.

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      Emma 5 years ago

      I needed to see these posts today. Thankyou all and I wish all of you the best of luck with moving on in your lives.

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      Jayroo 5 years ago

      I just got out of a 4 year relationship with a man i found out was married the whole time and just had a baby. He married his wife two months after we started dating. so basically he was living a double life. when i found out i stopped the relationship and told his wife everything. he says he was gonna leave his wife for me, but was he ever going to tell me he was married the whole time we dated? i am trying to move on, and i want to, but i just cant seem to get over everything that has happened. im so upset i was such a fool. but deep down inside i kinda knew he wasn't being honest. any advise on how to forgive myself? how to not be so jaded and hurt? anything really would help.

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      anonymous 5 years ago

      i was in love and in a relationship with a married man for literally 11 yrs. when we first met my eldest child was 5yrs old(he will be 17 in 5mths). my ex lover has always even today treated him like he was his own. also during this time i was pregnant with my second child. He has also been the father figure in his life even before he was born. during our affair, i gave birth to our son who is now six. For years, this man has paid all my bills(literally) I was able to attend college full time and received a bachelors degree. I could always count on him no matter what the situation arised. He attended any event that the kids participated in. He attended every doctors appoitment or hospital visit when warranted. this wasn't your typical affair. we went many places together and it didn't matter who saw us. Not only that his wife knew about me and the kids but she still decided to stay with him and although i never asked, he is not the type of person to leave. for years i would ask him how long did he think this was going to last and he said until he dies. he was serious, however, i had a differnet agenda. for all the things he has ever done for me and my kids, there was a price. my freedom, my pride, my dignity, my self-worth, my sanity. all we ever did was fuss. he was obsessive, possessive, verbally abusive, controlling, and overbearing. in his eyes i was the one always up to no good. if i didn't answer my phone he would call anywhere from 80 to 90x in a row. it was so bad that i turned the ringer off in the house because it would wake the kids up. even the kids asked why he called so much. that went on for yearrrrsss. i tried to tell him he was smothering me and he wouldn't listen. so i started seeing a guy.(hell for years i was being accused of cheating on him and i wasn't so when i didn't it, i felt like we already had the arguments) that didn't work out becuz the now ex lover wouldn't leave me alone. so i continued with a relationship that was going nowhere. we continued to argue and fuss everyday it was actually routine. finally i had enough, i decided to rekindle what i started with the guy that he pretty much ran off. this time the end result was different because by accident in the mist of have sex with my current boyfriend, my phone accidentally called my ex and he heard the whole thing. when i found out that happened, i actually felt sorry for him but then i started thinking that maybe that's what needed to happen in order for him to let me call. For about two weeks after the incident he would still call numerous times a day just to call me names or curse me or something like that. he still felt like he could just show up. it during one of those pop up visits that he met he current boyfriend and i haven't spoken to him since that day. i have been at peace for the most part. he told the kids that he wouldn't be coming around and that i needed to get my affairs in order regarding any emergency situations that involved me or the kids. my oldest son lives with his grandma in the same city where he lives so he still talks to him daily. the two smallest lives with me and he told them that he wouldn't be coming around anymore. it is what it is. im not taking him for child support and i wont be calling him for any reason. leaving him alone for good was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. i wish him and his wife the best of luck. I told him i don't have another 11yrs to give to a relationship that wasn't and couldn't go anywhere.

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      bitter.. 5 years ago

      good advice guys.. it's easy to say but to be honest if you are in the situation it's really hard to do it.. i hope i can be strong enough to leave him.. but how can i do it if i see him 5 days a week and 12 hrs. a day..and work seated beside him..what will i do..? one solution is to look for another job and i'll be away from him.. but i've been in the company for more than 4 years now.. years of hardwork and it will be wasted just because i want to forget him..i really don't know what to do..

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      Tammie 6 years ago

      I just recently ended a 3 year relationship with a married man our relationship was based on lies and I finally realized that no matter how many times he told me that he was going to leave his wife for good that time was never going to come. I don't know what made me stick around for so long I feel like a complete idiot for believing all of his lies all along he told me the same story "yes i am married but we are seperated and are only still in the marriage because of his child and other financial reasons". The most horrible thing is that his wife knew about me all along which made his story that much more credible. I met all of his friends and work partners which I thought for sure he is serious about me and when he gets his finances together he will def divorce her. Well as we all know now that never happened he would move in with me for about a month and then we would argue about something so stupid then he would leave and go back to her she as did I took him back all of the time no questions asked. After he would move out about a week later he would always come back and look for me and beg me for forgiveness and me like a fool would believe him and would take him back. He did this to me about 3 times. Finally I had enough a couple of weeks ago I decided to end the relationship because its obvious that he and his wife have been through this before and she is the one that will always be there no matter what he does or how many times he leaves and comes back. I chose not to play this game anymore. I will be honest with you it hurts like no pain i have ever felt before there is no day that goes by that i don't thin about him or what he might be doing. I have blocked all contact but i still cant help but be anxious I still think "well why is he not trying to contact me anyway he can if he really wanted to he would find away if he really did love me" and I also think well what if he found someone else to mess around and have fun with why is that person not me which is the dumbest thought i know but i just cant help my heart feel what it feels and at the end of the day all of this doesn't matter the fact is that he is what he is and will always be that person that wants his cake and eat it too and it is a harsh truth but its better to take it for what it is. Kenya all I can tell you is that its going to be hard but you have to come to a point where you decide to put you first you have to love yourself more. Belive me I know the feeling I fell like i am left picking up the pieces but better now than later. I know at one point before your 11 years you wanted out but where to scared of the hurt and you thought if you just gave it a little more time he would finally come be with you and leave her and now 11 years later you realize you should have left then. I have been there too 6 monhts into it i found out the truth about him being still married at that point i wanted out but decided to give it more time and oh boy do i regret it. You are strong and a good person you will find someone that is just for you someone that you do not have to fight for their love all of their love will be for you!.. Thank you for this post I really needed this at this time. Good Luck!

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      kenya 6 years ago

      i have been in a relationship with a married man for 11 years im so tired i want out i love him yes but im rwady to be number 1 and not with him he alls me everyday and i see him everyday if i don't answer my phone he freaks out everything that happens its my fault but he don't want to leave me alone i have so much to talk about but now im just asking for advise to move on help

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      SallyJD 8 years ago

      Thank you Naiomi - staying strong at present - have just returned back from an evening out with work colleagues and diary is full to bursting this week! This helps to stop me thinking of him and also means I am unavailable when he calls. Tonight he hasn't and I would have been sitting here last week hoping for that text/call .....such a lonely,self-loathing time.

      I am working hard on myself to resist but of course my heart misses a beat whenever I think of him. Oh well,sad times but hopefully happier times to come - certainly more chance of that in the long term without him.

      Love Sally

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      NaiomiP 8 years ago from Gonzales, LA

      Sally, things will get worse before they get better. There will be days you cry your eyes out and days you wish you could cry but you can't get the tears to form. There will be times when your resolve will be tested, and you will find the urge to call him or see him again. Keep your head together, and realize that your self-worth is what matters above all. No man is worth compromising that. No one is saying it will be easy, but this is how you redeem yourself from your bad choices - you start making good choices now. Best of luck to you, and be strong. Much love, Naiomi

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      SallyJD 8 years ago

      Thank you for these words of wisdom - I have recently begun an affair with a married man and it is making me unhappy on every level except when I am with him (which is not often)! Last night, alone, I cried into the early hours and did some serious introspection - I woke up knowing it has to end.

      There will be more tears and recriminations but I realise in the long term my heart will be broken.

      Forgiveness is what I needed to hear right now - this will help me to deal with the heartache which is to come.

      I take full responsibility for my decisions and actions and realise I must also bear the consequences.

      I am not a bad person, I just made some bad decisions - now is the time to face up to this and finish the affair.

      God help me - and I am sure He will.

      Forgiveness will be he key for me.

      Thank you Gonzales for your timely words x

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      Jilted One 8 years ago

      What if I wanted to leave my wife, but my gf decided she wanted out at the last minute? I didn't even get my chance at happiness, and now I'm stuck.

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      Brenda Honore 8 years ago

      I loved this article. It was exactly what I needed to hear!