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Why Women Fall For Married Men, and How to Move On Once You Have

Have You Ever Experienced An Illicit Affair?

Have you ever been either the other woman or the married man in a steamy love affair?

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(...or "Woe to the Other Woman")

It's A Hard Life

Being taken out to eat in fancy restaurants, constantly being showered with expensive gifts, and being flaunted around town for your dynamic personality and exotic looks isn't all it's cracked up to be! Sure, from the outside looking in, many women may say, "Hell, I'd trade places with that high-priced floozy any day." Trust me, sisters, if you ask a woman who has played the Mysterious Mistress before, she'll tell you: be very careful what you wish for.

A Married Man Is A Needy Woman's Holy Grail

Cleverly maneuvering through his initial defenses, skillfully playing to his wounded ego, and expertly becoming every thing that his wife is not, intrigues the best She-diana Jones. Why is it that so many ladies spot a wedding ring and suddenly transform into this cunning huntress, ready to devour her prey the second he lowers his unsuspecting head towards her blossoming cleavage? Two words: competition and challenge.

When a man appears to have it all - a loving wife, stable family, beautiful home, and successful business - women can't seem to help themselves from falling all over him. We are so accustomed to being hounded by men and having to push them off of our derrieres in the club that when we happen upon an attractive man who actually seems not to want to jump our bones, we are spellbound. Nothing can break the enchantment until we've tested the waters to see just how anxious that fish is to chomp on the hook.

Not To Free Him From Any Responsibility

These men aren't innocent little puppies being led to slaughter. No, in actuality, a married man is extremely aware that he's a hot commodity. Many men will admit that they enjoy wearing their wedding rings, because it seems to attract more women their way! A shackled beau realizes once they have made it clear to a woman that they are married, if she continues to flirt with him, every thing is now gravy. This woman is up for anything that comes her way. She recognizes the game, and she's all suited up and ready to play quarterback.

What's His Excuse?

Why does a seemingly happy man cheat on his sweet, supportive wife that waits patiently at home for him to finish up his "late nights at the office"? That is the million dollar question! Many of you won't enjoy hearing the answers, but here it is, in black and white (keep in mind that the answer in any specific situation may contain one or more of the following reasons):

  1. She laughs at his lame jokes, while his wife has resorted to rolling her eyes and shaking her head.
  2. She tells him how gorgeous and strong he is at every opportunity.
  3. She is easy to be around and doesn't nag him about bills, the kids, and "honey-do lists".
  4. She is ready to have wild, uninhibited sex with him whenever he asks for it.
  5. His friends like her better.
  6. She makes him feel like a genius.
  7. The sneaking around gives him a rush.
  8. She's hotter than his wife, and that makes him feel hotter.
  9. She's younger than his wife, and that makes him feel younger.
  10. She always wants to have fun, even if that means bungee jumping off of a bridge at midnight.

The really sad part is, many wives could have written this list themselves, and yet they still will refuse to make any effort to change and provide their husbands with a little bit of Mysterious Mistress behavior at home!

What's Her Excuse?

Now, why do the "other women" fall for these obviously spoken-for men? (Again, not every reason will apply to every situation.)

  1. There is no fear of commitment. She knows he just wants a good time.
  2. She wants to prove that she has something he wants that his wife doesn't have.
  3. She wants to feel loved, wanted, and desired.
  4. He gives her luxurious gifts, takes her on trips, etc.
  5. He is gorgeous, and she doesn't care about the consequences.
  6. The sex is amazing, and she doesn't care about the consequences.
  7. She doesn't think she can do any better.
  8. She's naïve enough to believe that he truly cares for her, and may someday leave his wife.
  9. Deep down, it gives her a sense of accomplishment to know he is choosing her over his other commitments.
  10. It's fun, it's bad, and that's all she wants out of life.

Reaping What She Sows

What happens when the fun and games come to a screeching halt? It is nearly impossible to spend a great deal of time with a person of the opposite sex, have intercourse with them on a fairly regular basis, share intimate thoughts and feelings, and not develop an emotional attachment to them. Regardless of how or why the affair began, the end result is usually a couple of people who find themselves entangled in a web of lies and deceit in which they both know the ending can not turn out well.

Whether the two are caught in the illicit affair by the spouse, one of them decides they must confess their sins to the wife, or they split up of their own accord, this is a losing situation for all involved. No one wins, because someone will get hurt in the end. Of course, there are those exceptions to the rule, where the couple ends up finally in a legitimate relationship, and the married man gets an official divorce. However, can you imagine the thoughts that must torture the woman's soul, every time her conquest calls to tell her that he will be late coming home? How can she ever be sure that the way that she got him won't be the exact way that she loses him to someone just like her?

How To Pick Up the Pieces

The only way that a former mistress can salvage her own self-respect and move on with her life is to learn the true meaning of forgiveness. She must first learn how to forgive herself for placing herself in such a predicament, and secondly, she must find a way to bring herself to forgive the man with which she has spent so many precious moments. Time is our most valuable commodity. We can't get it back once it's been wasted, and we can't buy more of it, no matter how much money we make.

The key is to realize that people make mistakes every day, and that the only good that can come from those mistakes is to learn from them. A woman who has made the decision in her past to be with a married man needs to do some serious introspection. What was it about herself that caused her to be attracted to someone who was already committed to someone else? What was the real reason behind her bad choices? What can she do from this point on to ensure that those same mistakes aren't made over and over again in the future? Here are five important steps that must be taken in order to successfully move on:

  • Forgive. The first step is to forgive yourself and to forgive everyone else involved in the situation. No one was forced to act as they did, and everyone played a part.
  • Do some introspection. Why did you make the decisions that were made?  What is it within your own psyche that caused you to act on this obsession, over and over again?
  • Find a solution. How can you ensure that this won't be a choice that you will make again?
  • Reach out to friends - old and new. When we engross ourselves in a relationship, we tend to neglect the people around us who truly care. Reach out and reestablish old connections for support.
  • Focus on productive projects. Now is the perfect moment to take all of the time that has been freed up in your social schedule and devote it to something that will better your life. Open a new business, learn a new skill or trade, join a committee, or take a class. Working on yourself will benefit every one involved, and the hurt of a dissolved relationship will be less difficult to manage.

A woman must know that she doesn't have to be a victim. She has control over her reaction and response to the things that happen in her life. Her past does not need to dictate her future, and she can grow and improve from this. Once she's found a way to love herself, only then will someone else be able to genuinely demonstrate their love for her.

Comments 18 comments

Brenda Honore 7 years ago

I loved this article. It was exactly what I needed to hear!


Jilted One 7 years ago

What if I wanted to leave my wife, but my gf decided she wanted out at the last minute? I didn't even get my chance at happiness, and now I'm stuck.


SallyJD 7 years ago

Thank you for these words of wisdom - I have recently begun an affair with a married man and it is making me unhappy on every level except when I am with him (which is not often)! Last night, alone, I cried into the early hours and did some serious introspection - I woke up knowing it has to end.

There will be more tears and recriminations but I realise in the long term my heart will be broken.

Forgiveness is what I needed to hear right now - this will help me to deal with the heartache which is to come.

I take full responsibility for my decisions and actions and realise I must also bear the consequences.

I am not a bad person, I just made some bad decisions - now is the time to face up to this and finish the affair.

God help me - and I am sure He will.

Forgiveness will be he key for me.

Thank you Gonzales for your timely words x


NaiomiP profile image

NaiomiP 7 years ago from Gonzales, LA Author

Sally, things will get worse before they get better. There will be days you cry your eyes out and days you wish you could cry but you can't get the tears to form. There will be times when your resolve will be tested, and you will find the urge to call him or see him again. Keep your head together, and realize that your self-worth is what matters above all. No man is worth compromising that. No one is saying it will be easy, but this is how you redeem yourself from your bad choices - you start making good choices now. Best of luck to you, and be strong. Much love, Naiomi


SallyJD 7 years ago

Thank you Naiomi - staying strong at present - have just returned back from an evening out with work colleagues and diary is full to bursting this week! This helps to stop me thinking of him and also means I am unavailable when he calls. Tonight he hasn't and I would have been sitting here last week hoping for that text/call .....such a lonely,self-loathing time.

I am working hard on myself to resist but of course my heart misses a beat whenever I think of him. Oh well,sad times but hopefully happier times to come - certainly more chance of that in the long term without him.

Love Sally


kenya 5 years ago

i have been in a relationship with a married man for 11 years im so tired i want out i love him yes but im rwady to be number 1 and not with him he alls me everyday and i see him everyday if i don't answer my phone he freaks out everything that happens its my fault but he don't want to leave me alone i have so much to talk about but now im just asking for advise to move on help


Tammie 5 years ago

I just recently ended a 3 year relationship with a married man our relationship was based on lies and I finally realized that no matter how many times he told me that he was going to leave his wife for good that time was never going to come. I don't know what made me stick around for so long I feel like a complete idiot for believing all of his lies all along he told me the same story "yes i am married but we are seperated and are only still in the marriage because of his child and other financial reasons". The most horrible thing is that his wife knew about me all along which made his story that much more credible. I met all of his friends and work partners which I thought for sure he is serious about me and when he gets his finances together he will def divorce her. Well as we all know now that never happened he would move in with me for about a month and then we would argue about something so stupid then he would leave and go back to her she as did I took him back all of the time no questions asked. After he would move out about a week later he would always come back and look for me and beg me for forgiveness and me like a fool would believe him and would take him back. He did this to me about 3 times. Finally I had enough a couple of weeks ago I decided to end the relationship because its obvious that he and his wife have been through this before and she is the one that will always be there no matter what he does or how many times he leaves and comes back. I chose not to play this game anymore. I will be honest with you it hurts like no pain i have ever felt before there is no day that goes by that i don't thin about him or what he might be doing. I have blocked all contact but i still cant help but be anxious I still think "well why is he not trying to contact me anyway he can if he really wanted to he would find away if he really did love me" and I also think well what if he found someone else to mess around and have fun with why is that person not me which is the dumbest thought i know but i just cant help my heart feel what it feels and at the end of the day all of this doesn't matter the fact is that he is what he is and will always be that person that wants his cake and eat it too and it is a harsh truth but its better to take it for what it is. Kenya all I can tell you is that its going to be hard but you have to come to a point where you decide to put you first you have to love yourself more. Belive me I know the feeling I fell like i am left picking up the pieces but better now than later. I know at one point before your 11 years you wanted out but where to scared of the hurt and you thought if you just gave it a little more time he would finally come be with you and leave her and now 11 years later you realize you should have left then. I have been there too 6 monhts into it i found out the truth about him being still married at that point i wanted out but decided to give it more time and oh boy do i regret it. You are strong and a good person you will find someone that is just for you someone that you do not have to fight for their love all of their love will be for you!.. Thank you for this post I really needed this at this time. Good Luck!


bitter.. 5 years ago

good advice guys.. it's easy to say but to be honest if you are in the situation it's really hard to do it.. i hope i can be strong enough to leave him.. but how can i do it if i see him 5 days a week and 12 hrs. a day..and work seated beside him..what will i do..? one solution is to look for another job and i'll be away from him.. but i've been in the company for more than 4 years now.. years of hardwork and it will be wasted just because i want to forget him..i really don't know what to do..


anonymous 4 years ago

i was in love and in a relationship with a married man for literally 11 yrs. when we first met my eldest child was 5yrs old(he will be 17 in 5mths). my ex lover has always even today treated him like he was his own. also during this time i was pregnant with my second child. He has also been the father figure in his life even before he was born. during our affair, i gave birth to our son who is now six. For years, this man has paid all my bills(literally) I was able to attend college full time and received a bachelors degree. I could always count on him no matter what the situation arised. He attended any event that the kids participated in. He attended every doctors appoitment or hospital visit when warranted. this wasn't your typical affair. we went many places together and it didn't matter who saw us. Not only that his wife knew about me and the kids but she still decided to stay with him and although i never asked, he is not the type of person to leave. for years i would ask him how long did he think this was going to last and he said until he dies. he was serious, however, i had a differnet agenda. for all the things he has ever done for me and my kids, there was a price. my freedom, my pride, my dignity, my self-worth, my sanity. all we ever did was fuss. he was obsessive, possessive, verbally abusive, controlling, and overbearing. in his eyes i was the one always up to no good. if i didn't answer my phone he would call anywhere from 80 to 90x in a row. it was so bad that i turned the ringer off in the house because it would wake the kids up. even the kids asked why he called so much. that went on for yearrrrsss. i tried to tell him he was smothering me and he wouldn't listen. so i started seeing a guy.(hell for years i was being accused of cheating on him and i wasn't so when i didn't it, i felt like we already had the arguments) that didn't work out becuz the now ex lover wouldn't leave me alone. so i continued with a relationship that was going nowhere. we continued to argue and fuss everyday it was actually routine. finally i had enough, i decided to rekindle what i started with the guy that he pretty much ran off. this time the end result was different because by accident in the mist of have sex with my current boyfriend, my phone accidentally called my ex and he heard the whole thing. when i found out that happened, i actually felt sorry for him but then i started thinking that maybe that's what needed to happen in order for him to let me call. For about two weeks after the incident he would still call numerous times a day just to call me names or curse me or something like that. he still felt like he could just show up. it during one of those pop up visits that he met he current boyfriend and i haven't spoken to him since that day. i have been at peace for the most part. he told the kids that he wouldn't be coming around and that i needed to get my affairs in order regarding any emergency situations that involved me or the kids. my oldest son lives with his grandma in the same city where he lives so he still talks to him daily. the two smallest lives with me and he told them that he wouldn't be coming around anymore. it is what it is. im not taking him for child support and i wont be calling him for any reason. leaving him alone for good was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. i wish him and his wife the best of luck. I told him i don't have another 11yrs to give to a relationship that wasn't and couldn't go anywhere.


Jayroo 4 years ago

I just got out of a 4 year relationship with a man i found out was married the whole time and just had a baby. He married his wife two months after we started dating. so basically he was living a double life. when i found out i stopped the relationship and told his wife everything. he says he was gonna leave his wife for me, but was he ever going to tell me he was married the whole time we dated? i am trying to move on, and i want to, but i just cant seem to get over everything that has happened. im so upset i was such a fool. but deep down inside i kinda knew he wasn't being honest. any advise on how to forgive myself? how to not be so jaded and hurt? anything really would help.


Emma 4 years ago

I needed to see these posts today. Thankyou all and I wish all of you the best of luck with moving on in your lives.


anita 4 years ago

hi,i had a relationship with a married man and am also married with a loving husband and 2 sons. something went wrong in my marriage in 2008 and i got involved with this man who also had 2 sons. everything was discrete but his wife suspect him having an affair with me. always accusing me but she never liked me. he spilled the beans and i had to tell my husband. the sex was not that great but he was a loving person and always treating me(we like that) i was a ruff time for me and lost about 15kilos and in 2010 my husband want aother child and that i gave it to him because my lover just left me like that and did not even asked forgiveness. now all of a sudden is all around my family but they did not know them . i saw him for the first time in 4 years and i know that he wanted me to see him and i also wanted to see him or make contact with me but i can't take this risk and will call it a day with him. i love my family but i also want to know why did he left me just like that.


miss joy 4 years ago

I ordered a spell on a friday night and on Monday the place I applied for a job called for me to come by their office. They gave me the job I applied for and made me an offer of more per hour than I have ever made in my life! I am so happy! The government jobs sometimes are a slow process. You somehow managed to speed up that process, and I start in just a few days! dr,kokotemple i will be forever geartful thank ones again ok you can call on him for help on his email address dr,kokotemple@gmail.com


Emily Grahalva 23 months ago

Hi, I've been dating a married man for I don't know how long. I'm still in highschool and he is 22 has a wife and two kids. His wife knows that I'm with him she's even started to stalk us or leave work early to see if I'm at there place. I love him so much he makes me feel special actually wants to get to know me, he says he's leaving his wife and that me and him can get our own place in April. But I feel really guilty, what will happen with his kids, and is he really telling me the truth. I'm scared, his wife knows where I live, there's been a few times she's driven down to my place to talk to me face to face, we totally hate each other but I believe she doesn't deserve him she's an all round horrible person, she forced him to marry her. But I just don't know what to do, I need help please!


Happiness 22 months ago

Thanx a lot, this could maybe help me to move on. I m in love with a married man, who is my long lost boyfriend and when we met after 11yrs, i found out that he is now married, but still love him so much, my heart beat faster when i think of him and he says he feels the same, i do not love anyone anymore but him, he is the first thing on my mind when i wake up and the last thing when im going to sleep i don't know if i could be able end things with him, but i want to let go and move on


levertis steele 21 months ago

The greatest wifely skills used to the hilt won't stop a married man from cheating if he is addicted to the thrill of creeping, chasing, and pouncing upon forbidden game. The hunter enjoys the game he kills much better than ones he does not have to chase anymore. Such individuals, man or woman, are not fit for marriage. They usually find themselves prostitutes/mistresses and cheating spouses.

"A dog is man's best friend" because they have so much in common. If you have closely watched the behaviors of dogs, males and females, you know this is true. A male dog will allow a female he wants to mount to eat all of his food in order to get her to submit. He will hang around her for days, play with her, chase her, protect her, and fight other dogs ferociously to win the right to mate with her. How strong is his desire to mate! When he finishes with her, he sniffs for another. If he cannot find another mate, he will chase balls, frisbees, cats, cars, or anything to get that thrill that he craves.

The human animal is resorting more and more to the behaviors of inferior animals. Do we wonder why some humans mate with animals, especially dogs? They both share animal behaviors.

Someone needs to write a hub on "How to Avoid the Mistake of Marrying a Canine."


lost.my.faith 16 months ago

I was in an emotional affair with a married man and as a young christian I knew it was wrong but I was so addicted to him it became so strong we did sexual things but never full intercourse. In a way I think this was the worst kind of affair. It wasnt about the thrill for me I actually believed I was in love with this guy. I broke it off many times but in total it lasted two years on and off. I left my job moved home and church to avoid it continuing All said and done he came back to me after two months crying saying hes getting a devorce and at this point I fliped and felt my heart break for his family and myself knowing I could never marry or have his children. I left him forever that night. Moved citys the works but iv lost my faith as a result.


Anonymous 5 weeks ago

This article really helped! But i just need to see him for the last time, i m in love with him, i cant jusr help it..

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