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Advice for Men: Why She Argues

Updated on January 27, 2017

If you're here, you're probably looking for an answer to the age-old question: "Why the heck does she argue with me all the time?" or "Why is she always picking fights with me?" or "Why does she always have to be right?" or any variant of the these questions. It's a plaguing question that was asked by the very first wrong caveman standing next to a feisty cave goddess and argued over trivial things like whether or not to decorate the cave with pine or spruce, or whether or not the wheel should be round or spherical. Either way, man always ended up wrong, and woman always right, and both have been fighting ever since. It's one of the biggest hurdles a relationship has to overcome.

So why is it still like this today?

Women Have Needs

I know you already know she has needs. I know that you think that you are fulfilling those needs, and yet I know that you aren't, mostly because you're still asking "what's wrong?" Don't worry, though, by the end of this article, I intend to furnish you with a new perspective of your woman and why she can get so argumentative, feisty, or hot-headed at times (or all the time if you're the unlucky fellow).

You see, it's not that complicated, though it's no day at the park either. It's a delicate balance, understanding your woman and then knowing what to do when she exhibits certain behaviors. If she's like most women, she'll have a pattern of behaviors and let you get used to it, and just when you think you've got her figured out, she'll change up that pattern just a little or she'll change a full 180 degrees. Then, when you get the next pattern figured out, she'll change again. It never ends—trust me.

It's always a test, even if she doesn't look at it that way or you don't like to think of it that way, that's what it is. Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing, and she doesn't do it just to confuse you or make you feel wrong all the time. She does it unconsciously, on a level that even she doesn't understand most of the time. That's not to say she isn't, or couldn't be in control of her emotions, behaviors, and actions. It's just that she has yet to awaken her conscious ability to sustain her needs. And until she figures out that she can control it, or things work themselves out by other means (such as you changing the way you perceive her needs and actions), then she'll just continue on the path of argumentative destruction.

That being said, just because a woman becomes aware of her conscious ability to control her nature to test and analyze her men and relationships, doesn't mean she'll stop doing it. She'll just be more precise about it.

You see, the basic nature of any woman and any human, for that matter, is to fulfill our most basic needs. We have two kinds—physical needs and psychological/spiritual needs—and they go hand in hand in regards to our survival. We literally cannot neglect them, no matter how much we may want to. When it comes to those needs, once we get past our physical needs (food, air, water, etc,) we have to fulfill our Big 6 needs. Now, there are some differences between the genders, as to what psychological needs are a priority above others. Men tend to favor Significance and Variety over the other six, and women tend to prefer Certainty and Connection.

Now, because women need to feel certain about their lives and their relationships, they find themselves constantly seeking that connection with themselves and their mates that show them their relationship is certain and that they can be confident that they are more than enough of a woman to fulfill their man. The cycle feeds on itself constantly, as you can tell.

The only hard part is, although your woman may always seem confident, she's actually just as confused as you are. The one thing she wants to do is make you happy so that you will, in turn, remind her of the truly beautiful goddess she is inside, yet you do so many confusing things too. She's always wondering what you're thinking because when you tell her, she has a connection with you that tells her that you trust her—which is a form of certainty in your relationship. But when you don't open up, because it's not in your nature to seek that connection as much or as often, she finds herself feeling uncertain about whether or not you want to be with her, or if she's making you happy. When you work late, if she is upset, it's not that she doesn't appreciate your effort in trying to make sure your finances are taken care of and that you're all fed. It's just that a part of her is uncertain about whether or not you're actually working late because you don't want to come home to her.

She is especially confused when you don't come home and tell her how beautiful she looks because even if you feel it is implied because you wouldn't be with a woman you didn't find extremely attractive, she finds herself more uncertain about that implication with every passing day that you don't tell her. It gets even more confusing for her if you start withholding physical affection. Even if she's not the "touch me" kind of gal, she still wants to know that you'll try till your dying day, to keep touching her and showing her that gentle yet masculine physical love.

Trust me. The reason your woman always has to be right, always picks arguments or fights with you constantly, isn't because she really wants to make your life hell. It's not because she thinks she knows everything, and she definitely doesn't think you're always wrong. The truth is, she just wants to feel certain that she will always receive your unconditional love and affection. And if you can't provide that certainty for her, she'll find another way to feel certain—by getting angry. Because you can't tell me you don't feel absolutely certain when you're angry.

A Clip from One of My Favorite Vids on This Subject...

How Can You Help Her Feel More Certain?

It's not as hard as you might expect, and it's a job made only for the manliest of men. Only those of you brave enough, courageous enough and masculine enough, can do truly give a woman just what she wants in a way that fulfills hers most basic needs.

If you're ready to accept your mission, and you feel you're up to the challenge, just follow these steps to loving your woman unconditionally in a way that fulfills her needs and makes you always Right (not that you need to be, it's just a bonus).

Pursue Her:

It's in your basic nature, don't ignore it! When she pulls away, distances herself from you or becomes standoffish, what she wants is the opposite of what she's outwardly showing. She wants you to PURSUE her. She wants to know that you'll do anything to please her. She wants to know that there is nothing she can do that will lose your love. She wants to know that if she were to leave you, be kidnapped or somehow be separated from you in extremely unlikely circumstances, that you would ride bareback on a donkey out into the middle of the Sahara desert to rescue her under threat of pain or death.

Your attitude should be:

  • I'll climb any mountain, walk through any desert, swim through any swap, cross any might river and ride across the longest plains, to the end of the earth if I have to, in order to be with the woman I love and to make her happy. Anything less is unacceptable.
  • No matter how much she tells me she's "fine," or that everything's "okay," I will do everything it takes to connect with my woman. I will listen, I will tease, I will be sincere, I will flirt, I will fill her up with my love in any way possible because that is my nature.
  • When she leads, I will follow. When she seeks direction, I will guide her. When she needs me, I will be there. When she runs, I will pursue. When she is distant, I will get closer. When she seems upset, I will love her until she has no more upset left.

Be Patient & Persistent:

Your woman is a strong creature, and when she's upset, she's not thinking "what need am I not meeting that is causing me to act this way?" she's just thinking, "Damn I'm so mad because of blah blah blah!" That blah seems important, even if it isn't. And even if you get that grievance is taken care of, another one will take its place. That's what happens when you are driven by certainty. It's also what happens when you don't consciously seek your needs and leave them up to the will of your unconscious mind. So when she's upset, she's going to stay in that upset mindset until something brings her out of it, or she gets bored with it and thinks of a new way to rock the boat and meet her need for certainty and connection. Because she'll be in the upset mindset, she's going to do everything to push you away, or distance herself from you. She might do this because of self-esteem issues, because she doesn't think you'll think it's that important, or she might build up like a big storm until she unleashes all that wild nature on top of you.

What you can do:

  • When she seems to be REALLY mad, don't try to make her "feel better" and don't try to "fix" anything. Just be there. Allow yourself to prepare for gale-force winds and potential downpours. Then take it like the man you really are. Be that unmovable mountain and use all that stubborn strength to turn your relationship into the best one you've ever had. It might seem like you're glimpsing a small piece of the underworld when she blows up, but I can guarantee you that once the storm has worn itself out, the woman you love will come out to shine again, and she'll be that much more in love with you for being able to withstand the worst that she can throw at you.
  • Be persistent in your endeavor to figure out what's bothering her or upsetting her. If you find that she's being especially resistant to your attempts, look her in the eye with all the certainty and love you can muster and tell her "I will do whatever it takes to make you happy. If I can't do it now, I will go figure out another way to do it, and another and another until I see that sexy smile on your face again."
  • If it seems like you're not getting anywhere, be patient with yourself as much as you are patient with her. It's not always going to be the same solution every time, and sometimes the solution is not to try to solve anything (as with the big angry storms). Sometimes the answer will come to you right away, and other times you will have to work at it. As I said, it's a challenge only the manliest of men should take on, as it's no small order. Though for those of you who can master it, you'll never find yourself with a lack of love or for a woman who would die to make you feel like the god you really are. The only thing you have to do is not give up, and remind yourself in times of frustration, that she's just as confused as you are, and that you alone have it in your power to help her find certainty.

Show Her Your Lover:

We women get to see plenty of your strong skills and powerful will when it comes to working and caring for the home, and it's not that we aren't appreciative of that warrior side of you. In fact, that warrior side of you is what attracted her to you in the first place. Yet, the reason she brought you home or went home with you is that she wanted to meet your lover. When you first met, your lover was out in full force. Though after a while, you brought the warrior back out because you needed to think about the bills, work, kids or simply because she started getting combative with you all the time. And with any of those things on your plate and then some, it's no wonder you rely on your warrior side to take care of business. That warrior is the part of you that kicks ass and gets things done. The only problem is, you became accustomed to the state you feel most certain in (the warrior state) because it's so easy for you to get there. You knew that no matter what she did, or what happened to you, your inner warrior could come out and take care of business. Yet, your warrior just doesn't seem to have what it takes to please your woman all the time. He's too sacrificial, too tough, too focused to get inside that woman of yours and make her blossom like the tiger lily she is. Your warrior side is smart and decisive, but he also can't see what's right there in front of him—that your woman wants your lover to come out and play.

How to put your Warrior away:

  • Change Your Perspective: When she's fighting with you, it's not because she really wants to fight with you. I mean, come on, who wants to fight with the person they love? No one. No, what she wants is your undivided attention. She wants affection from ALL of you, your mind, body, and soul. Not just attention for now so she'll stop bugging you, or attention because she's needy or any other negative understandings of her behavior. Change your perspective from the warrior to the lover by understanding that she wants your positive attention and affection. When she's mad and seems to be looking for a fight, put away your sword and take her to the bedroom for some hot angry loving. When she's yelling at you, uncross your arms and creep across the room to her until there is no distance between you. Wrap your arms around her as she lets loose of the last her warrioresses gripe.
  • Be Spontaneous: When nothing seems to be working, and you've tried everything you've learned above, it's time to be spontaneous. This is a big one that most humans of the male persuasion don't often understand—it's not that you're doing anything wrong, in fact, you're doing everything right. The problem is that now she needs variety in the form of romance—now that you know that, luckily it's in your masculine nature to easily find variety. Take that natural drive and use it to think of the most romantic thing you can take her to do, or that you can do at home with her. And remember—romantic doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. The main ingredients of great romantic gesture are—surprise, thoughtfulness, excitement, seduction and enthusiasm on your part.
  • When she becomes self-deprecating about herself in any way, she wants you to prove her wrong. She wants you to make her feel certain that she will always be attractive, interesting, seductive and important to you. Fill her up with every bit of confident and certainty that you can give her, from your lover state, not your warrior state.

How Do You Know If You're Doing It Right?

  1. You won't be any less confused by her actions, but you'll understand that no matter what she does, you'll know just what to do and you'll have a new appreciation for why she does the things she does.
  2. You'll find yourself needed to fulfill her need for variety/romance more often than her need for certainty. That's one of the biggest tip-offs you're doing it right. If you've provided her with the level of certainty she needs from you, the only other thing she needs to keep that connection alive and healthy is that romantic variety you happen to be so good at supplying. So when you find that you're constantly searching for the next BFD of romantic gestures, you're doing it right!
  3. You actually look forward to the next time she gets upset and builds into the mother nature style tornado. Not because you want her to be upset or because you like to see her mad, but because you know that's just one more way you can prove just how much of a man you are and one more time you can help fulfill her needs. You'll find yourself enjoying the notion that you're able to withstand anything, and that when it's all over, it's time for that lover to come out and play again.
  4. You notice that you no longer think of your woman as needy, confusing or strange.
  5. You find yourself enjoying the pursuit of the next romantic and adventurous endeavor. The warrior in you that always said "Sheesh, does she really need that much attention?" will have changed his perspective to "Hey! Look how great I am at hunting down romance and pleasing my woman!" and your lover side will say, "Hell yeah."
  6. Overall, your woman seems to be less combative and more loving towards you. Though she'll still through you a curve ball now and then, you'll notice that she is again that beautiful, radiant lady you first fell in love with.
  7. You'll notice that you feel fulfilled as well. Because your goddess-gal is so filled up with love and happiness, she'll send just as much back your way. Making sure that you always know how much she loves you—that she needs you in her life, that you are important, significant and special to her. She'll make sure that you and every other person in town knows that you are man enough.

Remember:

  • When she picks fights or becomes combative, she needs your love and undivided attention.
  • When she throws a curve ball at you, catch it. When she tests you, pass the test by giving her positive attention. When nothing seems to be working, be romantic.
  • You have two choices with a woman: 1. Give her positive love and attention, or 2. Be forced to give her your negative attention. Which would you prefer?
  • Every woman is different. Although we all have a significant need for certainty and connection, the level that we need to meet is different for every woman.
  • The lover part of you knows how to listen actively. He knows how to provoke and tease without being mean or malicious. The lover in you knows when to push and when to step away momentarily. The warrior side of you has problems with these skills, so it's up to you to blend your warrior and lover sides together in order to create harmony in your relationship.
  • If you find yourself getting frustrated, confused or hopeless, change your perspective. Come back to this hub as many times as you need, or ask a friend for some ideas on how you can change how you're looking at things. Get a relationship coach—whatever it takes.

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    • profile image

      Faith 2 weeks ago

      My husband has no comment on any feelings I express, no matter how much I explain my hurts, no matte how many love letters I write, no matter how much I threaten to divorce him he has no comments. But when it comes to his needs the only time I get an type of communications is he leaves sites with soft porn available, like women butts turned toward the camera, women with totally see thur outfits on with implants the size of water mellons. ( I am a double EE and they are mine not purchased, maybe saging some but hey they are not fake). He has cheated on me and now he defends the guy at work who is gay. He is buddy buddy and recently I had two doctors appointments back to back were I needed his assistance with my eye appointment I would not be able to drive and he said they guy at work needed to go to the doctor so he worked for him! He loves his boss more than me and he lets her give him odd hours and he has been in trouble with S.S before and he is just acting ignorant. He is never there for me. I can ask, talk and beg for him to understand and listen but he just starts a conversation about something else as soon as I finish. When I speak he watches TV, or does crossword puzzles or numbers. I have a son who is disabled and in 19 years he has helped me help him but he is not a Dad to him at all. My husband yells, pounds his fists and has with held sex for 15 years! He wants anial sex and oral sex period. I actually care for him but at this point if I leave him I am going to be in a women shelter because he also refuses to save or budget. I feel I have wasted my life. At work his co workers say they feel sorry for me, and hate that I have to be married to such a man. One guy told me my husband flirts all day long and that he knows my husband better than me? I am scared and tired. I want love, understanding and support from my man.

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      MD 4 weeks ago

      There's definitely a lot of insight here - very useful, too.

      But with all due respect, it sounds like being presented with a mental patient for christmas - along with kid-gloves and an instruction manual littered with warnings.

      True connection cannot come from indulging the ego - this only nurtures division (despite the brief and lucky respites that we so vaunt). Cyclical neuroticism is never happiness, and never true love. Inviting another to suffer with you is, quite frankly, unpleasant. Sorry if that sounds unkind!

      Try meditation instead : )

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      Mindi 8 weeks ago

      Good read.

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      Lala Land 8 weeks ago

      The problem is that she's not worth hunting after anymore. Because she let herself go, because she's a self centered pig. That's why. If you want your man to stay a man, put the fork down and hit the gym. Did I make you mad? I hope so. Your article triggered that emotion from me.

      The audacity of this article. Give me a break.

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      Exhausted 5 months ago

      Womens... It's not worth it guys, trust me. Accept that fact and move on...

    • BizGenGirl profile image
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      Bema Self 3 years ago from Seattle

      @Gina, you're very welcome!

      @Mike, I'm glad your single and happy. Staying single is probably one of the best ways to avoid any commitments to women who might argue =)

      @Dri, as I've said in previous comments to interestingly outraged men who've read this hub, there were absolutely no expectations in this hub. You're either the kind of man who recognizes that no one is perfect and there are going to be some hardheaded women out there worth loving and taking the time to understand and work with, or your going to be the type of man who searches for a long time to find the perfect woman who is 100% mature and who never argues. Though just to be honest, by your comment, it almost seems like you're own argumentativeness is a perfect petri dish for a relationship filled with arguments.

      And while I don't know about any other parents, I certainly don't discipline my children for arguing. Yes, they are disciplined for being disrespectful or not doing what they've agreed to do and that can sometimes include them arguing about something I've asked them to, it certainly isn't the arguing that they get disciplined for. In fact, I encourage debate in my family. It's healthy and can lead to good negotiating and compromising skills as an adult. Everything has it's time and place in the world.

      And just for future outraged readers edification, you don't have to take any of this advice. Whether or not it works is irrelevant to you, because you're obviously not in a relationship with someone you love absolutely, who frustrates you and argues until you can't stand it anymore... As to why you're reading this hub, I'm not sure. But please recognize that there are plenty of men and women in the world who understand that no one is perfect and often times it's the imperfect ones who are worth loving the most =)

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      dri 3 years ago

      laughable at best. This long analytical laundry list of selfishness only further perpetuates and reinforces the drama that men are told they must endure. Why must a grown adult (female) be given an excuse to make her mate feel guilty for stuff he hasn't done? Why must that behavior be condoned when don't accept it in children? We discipline children when they exhibit those behavior traits, why then are men being told that they must become a therapist to deal with childish behaviour??? It is manipulative and selfish! We excuse the child on the basis that they have not been schooled in the art of self control, in understanding that they cannot always have things their way,that sometimes in order to be understood one must first understand!!!!! So when women display this behaviour trait...its hard for a grown man to fathom and accept this as anything else but overt childishness. And yes women are capable of controlling themselves

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      Mike 3 years ago

      I never argue and I am single and happy.

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      Gina 3 years ago

      I want to thank you for your article. You hit it right on the head about why most women are not happy in their relationships. At the core of it is we don't feel like we are getting what we deserve. I must admit, Im a 42 year old woman and I learned the hard way that the world isn't a fantasy and we need to learn how to be happy and feel blessed with our relationships instead of finding things wrong about them. If there are real serious issues involved, that doesn't fit in. But if a woman doesn't feel loved, I have learned it's a product of the society we live in where we can blame men for that and its not always their fault, especially when they are truly trying. Arguments need to be fair and mature and neither the man nor woman should expect their partner to cater to them 24/7. That calls for a short term relationship fix and not keeping together with a great person. I know this after losing a great man who was there for me for everything and moved on. I learned that he passed away early this year and i wish i could tell him i really did appreciate him.

    • BizGenGirl profile image
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      Bema Self 4 years ago from Seattle

      Trust me, there were no expectations involved when I wrote this ;)

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      F@$k that! 4 years ago

      I can't believe you expect men should do all this, why can't women fix their own vanity, insecurities and manipulations? and not dump them on their partners?

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      Michael 4 years ago

      I like your article... You are right about why women are doin this and also what causes these situations, but your solutions are so absurd. Don't feed the beast... Guide your woman to emotional maturity. Your solutions make men a slave to emotion and not principle and reason, that which makes us men. Plus you make it sound like every woman has a histrionic personality disorder. This must not be advice for establishing long relationships... Men would eventually go insane following this advice...

    • BizGenGirl profile image
      Author

      Bema Self 5 years ago from Seattle

      Very true Mill, and some arguments can even be fun! lol

      Thanks for the vote =)

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      Shasta Matova 5 years ago from USA

      This is an interesting insight to arguing. Arguments are good, because if we didn't argue, we have given up. Voted up.