CapriCookie has exp'd both sides of the fence of personal & spiritual growth in relationships. She hopes her exp's help others do the same.
Sometimes it doesn't feel like there's enough time to thoroughly explore and understand the challenges in front of us. For those of you who are looking for a shorter response to why women argue, the basic and most correct answer is:
She's unhappy about something in her life that isn't going as she'd hoped or expected it to.
This isn't a very descriptive answer, and one that most men can easily deduce on their own. In the lengthy texts below, I've included a vast amount of detail, to help you really come to understand your argumentative lady and how you can help get your relationship back into a more harmonious and pleasurable place.
You Are Here
If you're here, I'd imagine you're a caring man who dearly loves his woman; if only she'd stop arguing about everything. You're a reasonable man who puts more than a decent effort into being a good life partner, who just wants to feel like who he is, how he is, and what he can do confidently. If I've gotten close to describing you, then it's important to know that you're not alone. Not even close.
There are men out there just like you; all of whom are in love with women they never imagined could've been so damned argumentative during the honeymoon phase.
And depending on how wonderful that honeymoon phase was, or how reasonably good the rest of the relationship has been amongst the arguing, it makes sense that you'd be here looking for answers on how to understand and preferably end all the unnecessary arguing.
Thankfully, I'm on your side.
I've been that lady lover who seems to need to argue over every little thing, as well as on the other side of the fence—having been with a few men who seemed to never feel like something was resolved unless we fought and argued over it first.
It's my sincerest hope that something in this article will help you come to understand your argumentative woman and yourself better; so that you can decide which path forward is best for you.
Where Things Go Wrong...
When we first find ourselves enchanted by our partners, it's hard not to imagine that a life and future with them would make us feel empowered, adored, appreciated, loved, and supported. It would make us feel special and significant, even if our lover is the only person by our side in those ways.
Your female counterpart felt the same way when you two first got together.
It's like that both of you, for the first few months or even the first five or six years, felt fantastic enough about being paired up, that you went out of your way to please and play with each other; making many massive deposits into your love accounts.
Though once the newness in a relationship starts to fade, so to do the hormones and synchronized vibes that cause us to act extra nice, super flirtatious and driven to please our partners every chance we can.
Once this honeymoon phase starts to rachet back, it can feel to you and your lady, as if you've been addicted to a seriously heavy drug for months or years.
Depending on how connected you were with your significant sweetheart, and how many times you've survived the transition out of the honeymoon hormones with past long term lovers, will determine how rocky or smooth this transition phase will be for each of you. If you've never made it thoroughly through this phase with another before, or if it's been a dramatic rollercoaster in the past, your subconscious mind will try to trick you into preparing for battle when you start getting less of the dopamine-oxytocin hormone cocktail you've been high on for the past few months or years. This preparing and projecting can turn an otherwise harmonious relationship into one frought with constant conflict until you're both weaned off the hormone drip you've been on.
Unfortunately, until we reach the age of about 50, we are much more likely to be stunted in our ability to consciously understand our own biology and psychology in these ways (consciously or subconsciously); making it much more likely that things won't be as smooth as they could be.
It is often during the beginning of this transition that we start to see the not so pleasant features of our partners personality come out; including argumentativeness, anxiety, jealously, and various attachment issues.
If you're aware of the timeline in your relationship, and it is still early on in your departure from the honeymoon phase with your lady, you might still be able to lay out some cushions and deflate the withdrawal process a little.
Alternatively, if you've satisfactorily made it through previous transitions out of the hormone fueled honeymoon phase with significant past partners, it's likely that you won't feel too disturbed when you start noticing the natural ebb and flow of non-hormone doped relationships. If you're girlfriend or wife has achieved a similar evolution in their relationship experiences, then they'll be right there with you.
With two partners having strong healthy conflict resolution and communication skills, the transition into a more comfortable and naturally flowing relationship is much less awkward and exceptionally brief.
Unfortunately, it's usually more likely to find that one or both partners having sour skills in conflict resolution or emotions expression from less than lovely past experience. When this is the case, the natural evolution our relationships should progress through, can quickly turn into a rough ruts that drives you both nuts.
It's at this point that men just like you, from all over the world, find themselves soul searching and looking for answers to questions like:
- "Why the heck does she argue with me all the time?"
- "Why is she always picking fights with me?"
- "What did I do to upset her so much?"
- "Why does she always have to be right?"
- "How do I know if she's the one whose worth all this fighting?"
- "What does she want from me?"
- "How can I know if what she says she's upset about, is really the problem?"
- "How do I know when to give in and when to uphold my desires and boundaries?"
- "Is she the one worth all this effort?"
There are dozens of variants of the these questions; all of them translating into virtually the same basic question: why isn't my partner happy and satisfied with me?.And is she the one for me; i.e. is she worth all this unhappiness and arguing?
Why Do Some Women Argue so Much?
There are many different circumstances a man might find himself in a relationship with a woman who seems to argue a lot.
It could be that she's always been a strong and opinionated woman; early on in the honeymoon phase you probably found that especially attractive, but now that her opinions are starting to zero in on your shortcomings or her consistent unhappiness, it doesn't feel so attractive anymore.
It could also be that there's been multiple issues she's attempted to resolve with you, that have not been adequately resolved; either because of her own inability to communicate the problem to you clearly, or because they are issues you're not ready to be influenced on, or some combination of both. Regardless of the reason, unresolved issues wear down on a person, and when allowed to become so numerous that she can also predict whether or not any future issues she might want to resolve with you, will be cast aside as unimportant because you don't hold them in as high a regard as she does. Anyone in this position is going to get crabby; especially if these issues continue to compound and reoccur.
Chronic physical pain and dysfunction can also create the perfect breeding grounds for turning an ordinarily sweet lady into a ravenous beast that everyone tip-toes around to avoid conflict.
Another reason could be more complex; including the possibility of serious mental health challenges (and likely isn't aware of it herself) from traumatic former relationships, childhood or even since birth.
Regardless of the reason some women argue so much, regular arguing and conflict can really wear away anyone's resolve and commitment. This is especially so when the arguing turns to criticism, bullying, disrespect, projecting andor other immature behaviors; they all lead us away from love.
No one wants to feel like they're constantly 'wrong' or 'in trouble', anymore than they want to feel consistently ignored, invalidated, under-stimulated, un-adored, underappreciated, disrespected or unsupported.
Such dynamics lead to resentment and contempt; vibrations known to terminate even the most seemingly fated relationships.
Dynamics that will continuously feed on any negative emotions coming from either of you; regardless of who started what or whose done more to resolve things.
To deflate such dynamics, you both need to start taking ownership and responsibility for choosing and controlling your own thoughts, emotions, triggers and intentions; and challenging yourselves to remain accountable for addressing and resolving any slip-ups or shortcomings on your own ends.
This process can start right away, when you decide to take the lead; just as your partner would have to if roles were reversed, and she were the one to first seek out help and authentically desire change.
Why Does Anyone Argue?
It's important to have some basic understanding of human behavior, personalities, relationship dynamics, interpersonal communication, and argumentativeness itself.
Arguing is often perceived as highly complicated, when it is in fact, just communication.
For both men and women; once you remove that nasty tone of voice, any flippancy, and strip away the filler words we use to make ourselves feel more or less powerful; arguing is just our human way of saying, "My feelings are hurt, and I've exhausted the more polite ways I know of, to try and resolve, change or eliminate what's upsetting or not satisfying me."
Above anything else, it's it's vital to understand that with most women, argumentativeness itself is not normally a hardwired personality trait, and that there are some significant differences between someone who is argumentative vs someone who isassertive.
- Argumentativeness is essentially an illogical desire to "win" or to feel the most correct or right, within context of whatever is being argued about. In most cases, someone who is being argumentative will also be acting either aggressively, defensively or flippantly and exhibit an inability andor unwillingness to explain neither their position nor what outcome they're hoping to achieve at the end of the conversation.
The two most common forms of arguing are Offensive Arguing and Defensive Arguing
- An example of someone arguing with you Defensively: the first partner initiates a conversation asking their partner to stop doing something or help them understand why they are doing the first partner is hurt or confused by. For whatever reason, the second partner becomes uncomfortable with the topic or the requested change, which requires them to admit to and take ownership for something they've been doing. They're clearly afraid that whatever the consequences their might be for arguing and evasion, will be much safer than the consequences of owning up to or confessing the truth. When this happens, you're likely to notice the second partner trying to evade answering any questions clearly or adequately. Any moments when the first partner catches the second one on a slip up or on to their non-answers, partner two is likely to fall back on blame-shifting or guilt-tripping, in an attempt to confuse the situation and get partner one to defend their own shortcomings while they figure out how to get out of answering to their own. If they can, the defensively argumentative partner will very likely try to wear down at the emotional defenses of the first partner, using the same cycle over and over again, until they get their partner mad enough to end the conversation, until they feel brave/justified enough to run away from the conversation, or until partner two has sufficiently made their partner feel worse about the things they've done than the one thing partner one had respectfully asked to have change or be explained; even if that makes zero sense in response to the first partners original request.
- An example of Offensive Arguing: is when the arguer is attacking their partner with criticism, unreasonable requests, or being disrespectful in their responses to anyone else in the conversation. Partner one might come to partner two and ask them why they didn't take the trash out, which seems like a reasonable question until they're response to partner two honestly admitting to and apologizing for being distracted about work-thoughts, is then start complaining that they never take the trash out or doing anything helpful around the house or think of anyone but themselves or...a variety of other unnecessary, unfactual, and outrightly hurtful complains and criticisms. As the label describes, partner one will be using argumentative communication styles to provoke and attack rather than avoid or evade.
The main object of either type of Argumentativeness, is to either confuse or injure the other partner. The arguer doesn't want to resolve anything. They're main goal is to either bully you into doing something they want, or to get you to stop forcing them to face something or change something they're doing (whether that makes any sense or not).
- Assertiveness can be confused with argumentativeness, because we are most often being assertive when we are requesting that someone stop doing something that is rubbing us the wrong way, or to start doing something we want them to, that they aren't naturally doing. Assertiveness isn't an easy skill for most adults under 50, to master smoothly, which can also lend to some confusion if the person attempts at assertiveness are too dry, blunt or bullish. Though even within that context, assertiveness is still distinct in that the speaker has and can explain what outcome they intend to achieve by sharing their thoughts and desires, or have a clear, logical and understandable reason for requiring a resolution. For someone being assertive, it's more about respectfully upholding a personal boundary, or asking for a (usually) sensible and logical resolution that satisfies both partners.
As with argumentativeness, there are also offensive and defensive modes of assertiveness.
- Defensive Assertiveness is often employed against an arguer, who has tried to blame-shift in a conversation. Your choice in that situation, is to either describe your position clearly or to refuse to do so until they answer your request first; either of which will likely have the same outcome: more arguing. An argumentative person will care much less about what will happen at the end of all this arguing, and more about keeping the conversation confusing and draining. So they are likely to respond to your position descriptions and clarifications with flippant answers and more questions. If you attempt to put your foot down and refuse to answer anymore of their questions until they answer yours, it's easy enough to then simply argue that you are now the one evading answering easy questions. Whether you're calmly getting through to them or totally losing your cool, if you're attempting to respectfully uphold your emotional and relational boundaries from someone whose disrespectfully blame-shifting after you've asked them to answer to something; that is defensive assertiveness in action.
- Offensive Assertiveness is the simplest to understand, and most easily recognized when we approach someone or someone approaches us, with a request to explain or change your actions andor to negotiate a new behavior dynamic within your relationship. This could be as simple as a woman respectfully asking her man to put the toilet seat down at night, so she doesn't fall in during 3am pee-mergencies. Or it could be when a man requests that his wife or husband stop maxing out credit cards while they're trying to pay down debt. Additionally, you might have your boss come to you and tell you that you've been missing your quotas for a few weeks and ask you to explain what happened and what you're going to do differently so that you'll be back to meeting your quotas. All three are simple examples of offensive assertiveness.
Both argumentativeness and assertiveness are intended to communicate a discomfort, misunderstanding, need or feeling; and the desire to resolve whatever is causing the imbalance or discomfort.
You could ask someone being argumentative, to not walk off a cliff with a herd of lemmings; it doesn't matter if there's obvious reason for your logical request, that person will do everything they can to evade telling you they won't jump or to evoke some stupid thing you've done in the past (and learned from), to justify why you're wrong in demanding they not jump off the cliff.
Key Differences Between Argumentativeness and Assertiveness
Uses Disrespectful Communication: Name Calling, Condescension, Flippancy, etc...
Respectful Communication: Active Listening, using proper "I" statements, etc..
Arguer cannot or will not clearly explain their position, need or the outcome they want to achieve
The assertive partner can and wants to clearly describe their position, needs and the outcomes they want to achieve
Seeks to "Win" the argument or evade Consequences for something
Seeks a Win/Win outcome that will satisfy both partners
Non-Verbal Communication is Aggressive, Defensive or Evasive
Non-Verbal Communication is Open, Supportive and Involved
Will not take ownership for own Feelings, Responses, Shortcomings or Actions.
Ready to take ownership of their own emotions, responses, shortcomings and actions (even if it doesn't feel great)
Uses manipulation tactics to control the direction of the conversation (Stonewalling, belittling, blame-shifting, track-shifting, gas lighting, etc...)
Uses patience and deescalation tactics to try and keep the conversation respectful, relevant and head towards resolution (taking deep breaths, time outs, stopping for emotional check ins, soothing, etc...)
Arguments aren't usually based on any logical reason for their evasive andor disrespectful instigation or perpetuation of argument.
Requests are usually reasonable and based upon sound logic that can usually be backed up by concrete evidence to back it up.
Sad Yet True...
It's important to understand the differences between argumentativeness and assertiveness, because while both are skills that can be learned, assertiveness is often considered a personality trait rather than just a habit.
You will run into some people who do genuinely love a good argument or debate over just about anything, though in most cases the playfulness of their personality is vastly distinct from someone whose being argumentative.
Argumentativeness is a pattern we often pick up in our childhood or teenage years when we grow up in families or communities with unhealthy communication skills or dynamics. Argumentativeness is often used in younger years, to avoid trouble with a narcissistic, strict or confusing parent or other adult in our lives; or later on in early adulthood with the same form of influence coming from a former lover.
Regardless of what initiates a persons trip into the land of argumentativeness, the story is almost always sad and one that we can all empathize with.
Regardless of whichever life circumstances have victimized a person enough in the past to have caused them to develop a habit for arguing rather than communicating in healthier way, we are all responsible for eliminating habits that no longer serve us; especially when they are creating discord and unhappiness to our relationships.
Argumentative isn't the easiest behavior pattern to overcome though. Even after you've been made aware or awoken to having a bad habit of arguing when you should be using more positive communication techniques, it's all too easy to fall right back into states of argumentativeness whenever we feel triggered.
Getting on the Same Page
It would be fantastic if life allowed for both individuals in a downward spiraling relationships were to wake up at the same time to recognize their shortcomings and work in tandem to resolve things.
Unfortunately, our imperfectly-perfect human experiences don't usually end up synchronized with anyone elses; leaving many lovers at odds with each others differing levels of relationship experiences.
Because of our unique emotional and vibrational differences, once the newness starts to wear off in our relationships, it's just as easy to find you and your partner in a completely different book, as it is to find yourselves on two different pages of the same book.
It often happens that one partner wakes up to realize there's an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship, creating unnecessary discord and drama, that could be easily resolved; while the other partner continues to perpetuate the unhealthy cycles, unaware that it could be easily controlled and resolved with blame, shame, arguing or other needless drama.
When one person is aware that positive growth can occur, and the other partner isn't yet there, it's all to easy for both individuals to spend months continuing to argue and fight, moreso over their power dynamic, than any of the actual issues being argued over.
This can happen despite even the most powerful desire to reconcile from the conscious partner, mostly because you've both been practicing these bad habits and have built up a sturdy amount of momentum with them.
One might think that it would be easy to simply call time out and get each other on the same page of the same book; then go back to loving each other and creating more pleasurable memories.
Unfortunately, that's not usually the way things go.
Fortunately, despite statistics showing it often taking several months or years to get onto the same page, it does not have to take that long. In as little as a few days or weeks, you could begin to see your relationship turning around and the constant arguing becoming lesser and lesser.
Though in order for that to happen, you need to be ready to put down your own ego/pride, actively listen and be ready to compromise and be influenced by your partner as much or more so than you ask them to do the same for you.
Your level of readiness and willingness to do these things; something most men in our culture have difficulty with, has a serious impact on how quickly you can turn things around for you both, and get your lover caught up to the healthy pace and dynamics you know you both deserve to be enjoying.
CAUTION: this article is meant to help you learn to understand and resolve relationship challenges with women who are of reasonably sound mental health, who are not affected by serious mental health challenges. If your relationship has been unhealthy for a long time and it seems like nothing is working, or if it seems like your relationship has become emotionally or physically abusive, yet you're not ready to end it; seek assistance from a qualified relationship coach or couples counselor.
The 5 Primary Reasons Healthy Women Become Argumentative in Relationships
In the table below, I've summarized the top 5 most common reasons why a healthy woman might become constantly argumentative.
Most of them are common sense reasons that can cause men to become argumentative as well; though they are unfortunately often over-looked, misunderstood, or taken for granted in their ability to wreak havoc on anyone's subconscious mind; causing all sorts of unintentional chaos in our most meaningful relationships.
Hold within your mind the knowledge that your partner can become upset for all the same reasons and circumstances that would likely make you upset. A fact that often helps us remember that if shoes were on opposite feet, we'd likely feel feisty and argumentative too.
With that knowledge in your mind, the trick is in discovering exactly what it feels like to stand in her shoes; an ability that will help you get her to understand what it's like to stand in your shoes, and create an opportunity for you two to grow closer and quit arguing so much.
Top 5 Reasons She Argues a Lot
#1. She's repressing upset feelings about multiple unresolved past issues that you don't want to talk about, which she needs closure and resolution on.
#2. She's upset that some part of her life or your relationship, is not going as she wanted or expected it to go.
#3. She's going through emotional challenges about life challenges outside of your relationship; such as an aging parent, children, work, health, etc...
#4. In an attempt to subconsciously manage poor self esteem, she is trying to micromanage how you both act and think.
#5. She grew up in an argumentative family, has been through many relationships where arguing was the primary method of conflict resolution andor she is naturally opinionated/competitive.
I Know You Already Know Your Woman Has Needs
I know that you think that you are fulfilling those needs...and yet I know you're not. Not only because you're here reading this article, but mostly because I know you're still asking "what's Wrong?", rather than asking, "What's Right?"
Understanding a woman's needs are not complicated, but can feel that way when we've become focused on trying to predict future conflict or on trying to figure out what we're doing wrong, rather than on what are already doing right and could be doing right more often.
Focusing on what's wrong only creates more conflict by keeping you both wrapped in varying states of stress and anxiety; all which draws you away from precious moments to engaging in much more pleasurable activities with each other.
The first step back towards those more satisfying activities and dynamics, is to take a few steps back, check your ego at the door, and discipline your own mind.
Once you start to recognize that your own thoughts and inner monologue directly effect how your relationship dynamics, you can then learn to refrain from unhealthy habits like mind-reading, assuming, projecting, and getting hyper-focused on sussing out everything that's not going as you want it to.
That will lead you into more positive behaviors that will enable you to start actually understanding your partners true personality, emotional needs, attachment challenges, communication styles, love languages, and growth points; all which wield the power to turn your relationship around.
Understanding Your Lady Starts with Understanding Basic Human Nature
This is especially true when it comes to universal truths that we subconsciously try to censor out because of misunderstandings or faulty belief systems.
Humans in general, are creates of change, contrast and expansion.
It is via contrast that we learn, grow and experience life.
Most of that contrast is going to be the positive kind, though without negative forms of contrast, we wouldn't cherish the good as much as we do.
Because we are all hardwired to experience the world through contrast and change, it's easily predictable that at some point, your partner is going to seem like a different person than she started out. You too, will eventually seem different to her also.
When this predictable outcome occurs in relationships, most people panic or assume that something has gone wrong to cause their partner to change as they have, and attempt to force them back into their old behaviors; even if they weren't healthy ones.
Our overly-religious-influenced culture has done a very poor job of exploring and explaining human needs, sexuality and immutable truths; thus leaving most of us unprepared for what to do when we are faced with a partner who has change or whom wants us to change.
This is emphasized for men, whom have been unfortunately trained to be treated like non-humans; as if they are void of emotions, needs or emotional intellect and meant to repress anything feelings that might render them vulnerable.
For women, the opposite is true: we are often brought up to believe that we are extra-human; with hard to control emotions that we're not supposed to ever express, especially if they might impose on others.
Although these dynamics seem to be in opposition, they are actually just two sides of the same coin. Both women and men are brought up with certain beliefs about the way society expects them to think, feel and act like; all of which contribute to behavior patterns that effect our relationships.
It's these patterns that can help you come to understand your partner better and what to do when she's exhibiting certain patterns: like becoming unnecessarily argumentative.
Most people are pretty predictable, once you take the time to step back and observe them; women included.
They tend to get hungry, eat, sleep, use the bathroom, work, play, and have various other urges throughout the day. Unless and until something comes up that places an obstacle between us and our natural patterns, we usually just go on about our day doing what feels most natural.
When things do pop up, they often create the perfect breeding ground for stress and dissatisfaction.
When this happens a lot for any reason, we develop new patterns; most of which are fear and distress responses, that are all controlled subconsciously (at least until we become aware of that fact and start retraining our subconscious).
Step back and take the time to observe your partner and learn what her natural patterns are. Does she prefer to shower before work, or at the end of the day? Does she get super hungry in the middle of the day, right after work, or right before she wants to go out? Does she seem to get more cuddly with you at certain times during the day, week or month? Does she have various events and activities she enjoys attending or doing? Is she more of a neat freak, or more laize-faire about cleaning and clutter? Is she more talkative at night or in the morning? Does she like to get her hair done every few months or every week? When does she prefer to do her laundry or do deep cleans of her car or living spaces?
What does she do when she's faced with conflict? Does she handle conflict well, or shy away from it with her co-workers, family, friends or strangers? When she wants to talk with you about something serious to her, does she tend to lean towards 'hinting' or other subtle forms of communication? Or is she more assertive and direct about what upsets her, even at the risk of being hurtful or critical?
When it's clear that she's unhappy with you; which likely coincides with when she's being super argumentative, what other patterns is she exhibiting?
Does she seem to get more ornery when she's stressed out about work or something to do with the kids? Or maybe after she's gotten into it with her mom or just gotten home from a siblings place?
Does she seem to become more critical of you when it's time to do laundry? When it's dinner time? When the bills are do or it's payday?
Really take the time to observe your lady's naturally behavior and biological patterns without judgement. Just take note of how she is, and what tends to coincide with her good moods and more critical ones.
Combine those with observations about your own patterns at these times, and you'll soon find that the mystery of what's making her feel so argumentative, will soon become significantly easier to understand, relate to, and resolve.
Back from the Edge: Relationships
How Can You Help Her Feel More Certain?
It's not as hard as you might expect, and it's a job made only for the manliest of men. Only those of you brave enough, courageous enough and masculine enough, can do truly give a woman just what she wants in a way that fulfills hers most basic needs.
If you're ready to accept your mission, and you feel you're up to the challenge, just follow these steps to loving your woman unconditionally in a way that fulfills her needs and makes you always Right (not that you need to be, it's just a bonus).
It's in your basic nature, don't ignore it! When she pulls away, distances herself from you or becomes standoffish, what she wants is the opposite of what she's outwardly showing. She wants you to PURSUE her. She wants to know that you'll do anything to please her. She wants to know that there is nothing she can do that will lose your love. She wants to know that if she were to leave you, be kidnapped or somehow be separated from you in extremely unlikely circumstances, that you would ride bareback on a donkey out into the middle of the Sahara desert to rescue her under threat of pain or death.
Your attitude should be:
- I'll climb any mountain, walk through any desert, swim through any swap, cross any might river and ride across the longest plains, to the end of the earth if I have to, in order to be with the woman I love and to make her happy. Anything less is unacceptable.
- No matter how much she tells me she's "fine," or that everything's "okay," I will do everything it takes to connect with my woman. I will listen, I will tease, I will be sincere, I will flirt, I will fill her up with my love in any way possible because that is my nature.
- When she leads, I will follow. When she seeks direction, I will guide her. When she needs me, I will be there. When she runs, I will pursue. When she is distant, I will get closer. When she seems upset, I will love her until she has no more upset left.
Be Patient & Persistent:
Your woman is a strong creature, and when she's upset, she's not thinking "what need am I not meeting that is causing me to act this way?" she's just thinking, "Damn I'm so mad because of blah blah blah!" That blah seems important, even if it isn't. And even if you get that grievance is taken care of, another one will take its place. That's what happens when you are driven by certainty. It's also what happens when you don't consciously seek your needs and leave them up to the will of your unconscious mind. So when she's upset, she's going to stay in that upset mindset until something brings her out of it, or she gets bored with it and thinks of a new way to rock the boat and meet her need for certainty and connection. Because she'll be in the upset mindset, she's going to do everything to push you away, or distance herself from you. She might do this because of self-esteem issues, because she doesn't think you'll think it's that important, or she might build up like a big storm until she unleashes all that wild nature on top of you.
What you can do:
- When she seems to be REALLY mad, don't try to make her "feel better" and don't try to "fix" anything. Just be there. Allow yourself to prepare for gale-force winds and potential downpours. Then take it like the man you really are. Be that unmovable mountain and use all that stubborn strength to turn your relationship into the best one you've ever had. It might seem like you're glimpsing a small piece of the underworld when she blows up, but I can guarantee you that once the storm has worn itself out, the woman you love will come out to shine again, and she'll be that much more in love with you for being able to withstand the worst that she can throw at you.
- Be persistent in your endeavor to figure out what's bothering her or upsetting her. If you find that she's being especially resistant to your attempts, look her in the eye with all the certainty and love you can muster and tell her "I will do whatever it takes to make you happy. If I can't do it now, I will go figure out another way to do it, and another and another until I see that sexy smile on your face again."
- If it seems like you're not getting anywhere, be patient with yourself as much as you are patient with her. It's not always going to be the same solution every time, and sometimes the solution is not to try to solve anything (as with the big angry storms). Sometimes the answer will come to you right away, and other times you will have to work at it. As I said, it's a challenge only the manliest of men should take on, as it's no small order. Though for those of you who can master it, you'll never find yourself with a lack of love or for a woman who would die to make you feel like the god you really are. The only thing you have to do is not give up, and remind yourself in times of frustration, that she's just as confused as you are, and that you alone have it in your power to help her find certainty.
Show Her Your Lover:
We women get to see plenty of your strong skills and powerful will when it comes to working and caring for the home, and it's not that we aren't appreciative of that warrior side of you. In fact, that warrior side of you is what attracted her to you in the first place. Yet, the reason she brought you home or went home with you is that she wanted to meet your lover. When you first met, your lover was out in full force. Though after a while, you brought the warrior back out because you needed to think about the bills, work, kids or simply because she started getting combative with you all the time. And with any of those things on your plate and then some, it's no wonder you rely on your warrior side to take care of business. That warrior is the part of you that kicks ass and gets things done. The only problem is, you became accustomed to the state you feel most certain in (the warrior state) because it's so easy for you to get there. You knew that no matter what she did, or what happened to you, your inner warrior could come out and take care of business. Yet, your warrior just doesn't seem to have what it takes to please your woman all the time. He's too sacrificial, too tough, too focused to get inside that woman of yours and make her blossom like the tiger lily she is. Your warrior side is smart and decisive, but he also can't see what's right there in front of him—that your woman wants your lover to come out and play.
How to put your Warrior away:
- Change Your Perspective: When she's fighting with you, it's not because she really wants to fight with you. I mean, come on, who wants to fight with the person they love? No one. No, what she wants is your undivided attention. She wants affection from ALL of you, your mind, body, and soul. Not just attention for now so she'll stop bugging you, or attention because she's needy or any other negative understandings of her behavior. Change your perspective from the warrior to the lover by understanding that she wants your positive attention and affection. When she's mad and seems to be looking for a fight, put away your sword and take her to the bedroom for some hot angry loving. When she's yelling at you, uncross your arms and creep across the room to her until there is no distance between you. Wrap your arms around her as she lets loose of the last her warrioresses gripe.
- Be Spontaneous: When nothing seems to be working, and you've tried everything you've learned above, it's time to be spontaneous. This is a big one that most humans of the male persuasion don't often understand—it's not that you're doing anything wrong, in fact, you're doing everything right. The problem is that now she needs variety in the form of romance—now that you know that, luckily it's in your masculine nature to easily find variety. Take that natural drive and use it to think of the most romantic thing you can take her to do, or that you can do at home with her. And remember—romantic doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. The main ingredients of great romantic gesture are—surprise, thoughtfulness, excitement, seduction and enthusiasm on your part.
- When she becomes self-deprecating about herself in any way, she wants you to prove her wrong. She wants you to make her feel certain that she will always be attractive, interesting, seductive and important to you. Fill her up with every bit of confident and certainty that you can give her, from your lover state, not your warrior state.
How Do You Know If You're Doing It Right?
- You won't be any less confused by her actions, but you'll understand that no matter what she does, you'll know just what to do and you'll have a new appreciation for why she does the things she does.
- You'll find yourself needed to fulfill her need for variety/romance more often than her need for certainty. That's one of the biggest tip-offs you're doing it right. If you've provided her with the level of certainty she needs from you, the only other thing she needs to keep that connection alive and healthy is that romantic variety you happen to be so good at supplying. So when you find that you're constantly searching for the next BFD of romantic gestures, you're doing it right!
- You actually look forward to the next time she gets upset and builds into the mother nature style tornado. Not because you want her to be upset or because you like to see her mad, but because you know that's just one more way you can prove just how much of a man you are and one more time you can help fulfill her needs. You'll find yourself enjoying the notion that you're able to withstand anything, and that when it's all over, it's time for that lover to come out and play again.
- You notice that you no longer think of your woman as needy, confusing or strange.
- You find yourself enjoying the pursuit of the next romantic and adventurous endeavor. The warrior in you that always said "Sheesh, does she really need that much attention?" will have changed his perspective to "Hey! Look how great I am at hunting down romance and pleasing my woman!" and your lover side will say, "Hell yeah."
- Overall, your woman seems to be less combative and more loving towards you. Though she'll still through you a curve ball now and then, you'll notice that she is again that beautiful, radiant lady you first fell in love with.
- You'll notice that you feel fulfilled as well. Because your goddess-gal is so filled up with love and happiness, she'll send just as much back your way. Making sure that you always know how much she loves you—that she needs you in her life, that you are important, significant and special to her. She'll make sure that you and every other person in town knows that you are man enough.
- When she picks fights or becomes combative, she needs your love and undivided attention.
- When she throws a curve ball at you, catch it. When she tests you, pass the test by giving her positive attention. When nothing seems to be working, be romantic.
- You have two choices with a woman: 1. Give her positive love and attention, or 2. Be forced to give her your negative attention. Which would you prefer?
- Every woman is different. Although we all have a significant need for certainty and connection, the level that we need to meet is different for every woman.
- The lover part of you knows how to listen actively. He knows how to provoke and tease without being mean or malicious. The lover in you knows when to push and when to step away momentarily. The warrior side of you has problems with these skills, so it's up to you to blend your warrior and lover sides together in order to create harmony in your relationship.
- If you find yourself getting frustrated, confused or hopeless, change your perspective. Come back to this hub as many times as you need, or ask a friend for some ideas on how you can change how you're looking at things. Get a relationship coach—whatever it takes.
smh... on September 06, 2018:
I'm just going to say couple of things. This is why women need men and they're not capable of being strong solid leaders. The proves it all. Obviously the stuff you mention sounds like a very disfunction, unstable, unreliable creature that feeds off of you energy. A real man would read between the lines and think, Hmm.. why get involved with something like this when I can just hit and quit. Find young women looking for the same excitement you can have fun with. Usually these women start feeling too emotional and sleep with an instant gratification guy after a breakup. I will be that shoulder you can cry on until you find your next victim. I been thought this before and seen the worst behavior of my life. You have too keep doing for women. I have needs but I'm not crying. Shit I have needs too.
Ethan on August 29, 2018:
This is so true and just reinforces the fact that women are intellectually inferior, but you can't live without them.. Women are creatures of emotion.. The greatest marriage advice I've ever gotten was "Just nod and agree, if she wants to argue" I completely understand why men beat their wives as well, and I don't think women should be allowed to vote. This article reinforces all of these opinions. Thanks.
Paalease! on August 28, 2018:
This idiot clearly has never been in a relationship! Way to just broad brush both Men and Women into either Venus or Mars! Is she really serious? "How to know when you're doing things right" ?!! Like as if only the Man in the relationship is always the one doing things wrong. News flash lady! It's a two way street when it comes to love! And Women are not the only ones that have needs that must be met! And Men shouldn't have to just bow down and accept all the shit you said we should be doing just because this is how Women are! What a slap in the face to all the Women who aren't as wacky as the way you described them! Just as a Woman should ever just bow down and accept a Man like that! Stop trying to give advice you clearly are not qualified to give!
Patrick on August 23, 2018:
When I read this and see the behavior of many women I think you cannot get away from nature regardless of the social veneers .....marriage seems to be unworkable without huge male compromise or sacrifice. The usual retort to this is that women typically sacrifice their careers and have a mans children.. but most women value motherhood over all else and want to do this ...it certainly is not a sacrifice they make for the man , but for themselves... and I do acknowledge it can be very difficult but it’s also what most women want .. to be free of the responsibility of providing and to enjoy motherhood.
The problem with what you describe is this ...if a man alters his behavior that far to give this level of emotional servitude etc , what does the woman offer THAT THE MAN VALUES as much ? Please don’t say sex, because if that was the only reason , from a mans point of view giving all your time / resources to a single aging female within a marriage makes no sense when you could use your resources to have sexual encounters with a stream of young women .... what I am getting to is that regardless of what men or women want there has to be a level of compromise on BOTH sides to make long term relationships / marraige work... and that means women as well ! otherwise it’s simply the one persons needs being fulfilled and that has no longevity... would a woman stay with a man long term if his demands were so at odds with her own natural behavior?
BS on August 14, 2018:
This whole article puts the burden of marital success on the male. It made me more like a water buffalo in the Philippines. I provide everything, including her own emotional stability, and when I am done she will strip my carcass for the remainder. Nope rather try operate conditioning, and if she is resistant still, I'll find someone else.
pfff on July 27, 2018:
This sounds too exhausting. Screw marriage!
jan on July 25, 2018:
From a women's preceptive yeah this sounds great but the world just doesn't work this way. I think the golden rule is the best...treat others has you would like to be treated. Have a date night and go out and just have some fun. Life is too short to analyize the hell out of it. Plus this would never work because in the back of all relationships and you can't tell me I'm wrong is the "invisible scorecard"!
happycamper10 on July 22, 2018:
The "Me" login nailed it, "Too much work. I'll just be single".
Modern day American women have just made being with them too much work.
If men exhibited the same behaviors as those ascribed to women in this article, we would be called a-holes, -and rightly so.
Furthermore, women don't want an open and honest discussion about issues in a relationship, they want you to tell them you agree with them. Men see agreeing to disagree as normal behavior and nothing to get upset about, women see it as failure.
T on June 03, 2018:
Ironically Tony Robbins couldn't save his own marriage.
bla bla on May 17, 2018:
why do men have to put up with such irrational behavior? dump her and move on to someone who can appreciate what u do for her.
Jim on May 16, 2018:
Thing is as the man indulges this behavior in this realm it becomes a way of acting out in other aspects of the relationship. Like any behavior..........hey, if it worked here I'll try it out everywhere else in the relationship. After all we are talking about a self-indulgent want expressing itself in a certain manner. While it may lead to the result you feel it will it can also go the other way leading into other parts of the relationship. Pushing someone's 'buttons' for a desired result and then allowing yourself to buy into it can lead down a very dicey road.
T Durden on May 12, 2018:
The juice isn't worth the squeeze. Women, especially married ones, can treat their men like crap, and the man's choices are leave and be broke or stay and live with dysfunction. Too late for me to say "no thanks" unfortunately.
B's detector on May 10, 2018:
Yet another artical firmly biased in favor or women. "Beautiful cave goddess" please sounds to me like you said women are incapable of expressing their needs and we should constantly adjust ourselves to fulfill their needs or live in perilous misery.... No thanks
SactownSid on April 26, 2018:
And once again, it's on the guy to change for the gal. Can't have the girls taking stock of how nuts they make us with their bullshiesse and work to make US feel comfortable, right? Screw all that. If you want to be "certain" (impossible by the way) then make a little damn effort yourself.
Lightbulb on April 25, 2018:
When you put it like that it all kinda makes sense.
James Richards on April 24, 2018:
I wish I was gay!
John on April 21, 2018:
Thank you. You've confirmed, once and for all, that I've made the right choice. I do not look at, approach, talk to, or acknowledge any woman. I certainly will never date one. And I will die before I marry one. I'm convinced that men and women were never meant to be together. I believe everything you said in this article, as ludicrous as it is. But yes, women really are that insecure. That insecurity is a hole that can never be filled. And I'm not even going to try.
Chris on April 14, 2018:
There definitely is some helpful advise in here.
But I have some questions to the author:
Are the women in your imaginative fantasy world unconcious creatures that are dragged by men through life? Do they need a „you passed! You‘re still worth it!“ certificate every 72 hours or else they‘ll explode? Would you describe them as a lower living organism related to, for instance, bacteria?
And the men-creatures. They don‘t have needs in your novel, do they? Do they just work and build houses to serve the unconcious bacteria?
Incredulous on April 09, 2018:
This is ludicrous advice. Let her be emotional, mean, and irrational, b/c that's true love. Geez.
Me on March 07, 2018:
Too much work. I'll just be single
Confess on February 28, 2018:
A man always does good things for the lady he one day thought he loved.
But there is a limit for everything this, my wife my mum my sister my friends treat their husbands like a complete idiot .victimisation doesn’t work anymore, everything needs to work just for women! WHY IS THAT A RULE IF IT IS WHERE HAS IT BEEN WRITTEN, on the bible somewhere!?
Come on it should work both ways, it doesn’t make sense we do good and are always bad you can’t blame someone else to fulfill your unhappiness and that is what women is most of the time. This concept that man needs to kneel forgive me but it is a completely joke!
April JAP on February 04, 2018:
I do not know where the rest of my reply went. But there was more.
Because I AM do not agree with how men should have to s to all around the house or wherever after his wife to make her happy etc. If anything, that would get on my last nerves. Because I know for a fact my husband would wonder what on Earth was wrong with me and to kindly (in not so many words) back the bleep off, give some space, and I am creeping him out.
And honestly, I do not believe this article is even based on the perspective of more than one female. It's biased, and being a woman myself, I do not feel confused in this way. Speaking of, this article gives "a woman" more of an excuse to justifiably argue with a man like she's got no sense in her confused head. Apparently she doesn't. Because she is so confused!
I was confused and wanted to argue all over the place with a Progressive Rep the other day, after she told me how much my husband and I would pay per month, then just before our call ended, that payment suddenly changed and hiked! Why? Because she was confused and didn't mean to lie to me about how much she had quoted us. That's b.s. and ,I was angry after all that confusion, believe you, me.
In closing, as I am trying to sum up what I had already said in my previous post that got confused and only omitted this part out, any two people in a relationship who claim they NEVER fight/argue are lying. No relationship is perfect. And although my hubs is very negative... Well "positive the negative will always happen", and I do have a tendency to allow my sensitive side to get the best of me, and take it all to heart, therefore my anger shields me from the hurt and pain I then feel in the heat of the moment, I hate those arguments, although I shouldn't allow a lot of it get the best of me, I would love to know what could be done to find a happy medium for him and I both. Where the neg isn't so negative as it is. And so I do not allow my guard to cause me to get so angry as I do in reaction to his... I love him. And as he is.
You need some unbiased articles in here. Where it isn't so one-sided. It appears this article's author single-handedly made the majority of the female aspect of the Human Race look like blithering idiots with no thought process other than confusion.
And to another person in here (ELEFTHERIOS) who said "...a woman has it's needs...'" I'd beg to differ. And ask that you not place us as if we are literally not Human at all. That's demeaning. Hopefully that wasn't out of anger for the fact of how this article was so much bias. We will get through this. Once we are finished with all of this confusion...
April JAP on February 04, 2018:
Now although agree with some of this, I equally disagree with some of it. There was not a thing in this article that mentions why a woman's angry when the man is always negative, angry himself daily, and oftentimes directs that all at the woman who in turn gets angry because she is literally hurt by his constant actions and the hurtful words he uses while in his "warrior" state of mind full of anger! Write an article about that please. And how they can both work with one another, and on themselves. A unit and individually. Seriously! I want to know what can be done to help a marriage where both spouses are like the positive and negative side of a battery. But the negative is somehow causing the positive side to react negatively. And in a destructive way! Health issues are rearing their UGLY head, as well as joyous emotions that were once there... All going to crap. And he gets angry when she puts forth any positivity to try and soothe that Savage warrior that doesn't need to cause an unneeded war between them both... But it gets worse and worse each time. Other times, if she's upset about certain things that usually makes him angry, then out of the blue he's the voice of reason ? What the hell is up with that? Want to talk about "confused"? Well there ya go! Help! Because I detest fighting, and want my joy back!
ELEFTHERIOS on January 26, 2018:
HOLD ON A SEC. first of this article is obviously made by a woman and its far biased second of all the uncertainty has its limits. Pursuing a woman at all times fro no particualr reason is just tiring and draining it is totally unfair and controversial to say that a man has to do all these every time a woman has its needs. most times men have their own need to be serene and calm from a hectic day that he tried to ake the living. andthen he has to deal wiht all the insecurities and un consious and most times consious hell created by the woman. I do understand what women want all the points you made and yes it is changing the spectrum of the men s behaviour but nevertheless this is an equal relationship at least i think this is how relationships should be and of course i dont mean the little extras we do to show love and affection and to show we want our partner but what alsi men like i believe is stability making a man life hell is just the opposite of what a man is seking from a woman. its a cycle either men or women want to accept this. we both need to jsut be more understanding. the needs of womenare clearly and very nicely pointed out in this article but it cant be uncondintional and in favor of the woman but fair.
Ahmet on January 10, 2018:
Scroove all these... Always women have needs, and they have the right to attack whenever they are not met. Are they animals? Are men their servants? Noone has the right to quarrel, women must be honest and tell what they need...
Ant on October 16, 2017:
It's a slightly bias viewpoint, as expected coming from any woman who would write an article on this. As would a mans article be on the opposite.
I agree in most aspects. As men, we are the ones in charge and heads of the household. This added responsibility of 'being the bigger man' naturally falls on our shoulders as unfair as it may seem at times. It's the cost of being a man.
I would only add here a clause, to say, be sure she's actually worth the headache. Not all women are good women. Only if she's worthwhile and a good woman, she's worth enduring for.
Guy on September 19, 2017:
And women wonder why men cheat
T W C on September 03, 2017:
Can't help but notice that Drive and Gina both indicated that female behavior and its attendant narcissism is the cause for most relationship trouble. And while Dri got a long lecture, mostly which circumvented his points, Gina got a nice 'Thanks!' Women have been told for decades now that their value is inherent and stands alone..on its own merit. Men don't relate to that, in any way, precisely because they function in a world that is the opposite of that construct: a man must PROVE value in order to gain it. One way is that of a child...the other the ways of adults.
Faith on July 31, 2017:
My husband has no comment on any feelings I express, no matter how much I explain my hurts, no matte how many love letters I write, no matter how much I threaten to divorce him he has no comments. But when it comes to his needs the only time I get an type of communications is he leaves sites with soft porn available, like women butts turned toward the camera, women with totally see thur outfits on with implants the size of water mellons. ( I am a double EE and they are mine not purchased, maybe saging some but hey they are not fake). He has cheated on me and now he defends the guy at work who is gay. He is buddy buddy and recently I had two doctors appointments back to back were I needed his assistance with my eye appointment I would not be able to drive and he said they guy at work needed to go to the doctor so he worked for him! He loves his boss more than me and he lets her give him odd hours and he has been in trouble with S.S before and he is just acting ignorant. He is never there for me. I can ask, talk and beg for him to understand and listen but he just starts a conversation about something else as soon as I finish. When I speak he watches TV, or does crossword puzzles or numbers. I have a son who is disabled and in 19 years he has helped me help him but he is not a Dad to him at all. My husband yells, pounds his fists and has with held sex for 15 years! He wants anial sex and oral sex period. I actually care for him but at this point if I leave him I am going to be in a women shelter because he also refuses to save or budget. I feel I have wasted my life. At work his co workers say they feel sorry for me, and hate that I have to be married to such a man. One guy told me my husband flirts all day long and that he knows my husband better than me? I am scared and tired. I want love, understanding and support from my man.
MD on July 14, 2017:
There's definitely a lot of insight here - very useful, too.
But with all due respect, it sounds like being presented with a mental patient for christmas - along with kid-gloves and an instruction manual littered with warnings.
True connection cannot come from indulging the ego - this only nurtures division (despite the brief and lucky respites that we so vaunt). Cyclical neuroticism is never happiness, and never true love. Inviting another to suffer with you is, quite frankly, unpleasant. Sorry if that sounds unkind!
Try meditation instead : )
Mindi on June 21, 2017:
Lala Land on June 20, 2017:
The problem is that she's not worth hunting after anymore. Because she let herself go, because she's a self centered pig. That's why. If you want your man to stay a man, put the fork down and hit the gym. Did I make you mad? I hope so. Your article triggered that emotion from me.
The audacity of this article. Give me a break.
Exhausted on March 16, 2017:
Womens... It's not worth it guys, trust me. Accept that fact and move on...
PermissionGiver (author) from Lake Stevens on May 25, 2014:
@Gina, you're very welcome!
@Mike, I'm glad your single and happy. Staying single is probably one of the best ways to avoid any commitments to women who might argue =)
@Dri, as I've said in previous comments to interestingly outraged men who've read this hub, there were absolutely no expectations in this hub. You're either the kind of man who recognizes that no one is perfect and there are going to be some hardheaded women out there worth loving and taking the time to understand and work with, or your going to be the type of man who searches for a long time to find the perfect woman who is 100% mature and who never argues. Though just to be honest, by your comment, it almost seems like you're own argumentativeness is a perfect petri dish for a relationship filled with arguments.
And while I don't know about any other parents, I certainly don't discipline my children for arguing. Yes, they are disciplined for being disrespectful or not doing what they've agreed to do and that can sometimes include them arguing about something I've asked them to, it certainly isn't the arguing that they get disciplined for. In fact, I encourage debate in my family. It's healthy and can lead to good negotiating and compromising skills as an adult. Everything has it's time and place in the world.
And just for future outraged readers edification, you don't have to take any of this advice. Whether or not it works is irrelevant to you, because you're obviously not in a relationship with someone you love absolutely, who frustrates you and argues until you can't stand it anymore... As to why you're reading this hub, I'm not sure. But please recognize that there are plenty of men and women in the world who understand that no one is perfect and often times it's the imperfect ones who are worth loving the most =)
dri on May 24, 2014:
laughable at best. This long analytical laundry list of selfishness only further perpetuates and reinforces the drama that men are told they must endure. Why must a grown adult (female) be given an excuse to make her mate feel guilty for stuff he hasn't done? Why must that behavior be condoned when don't accept it in children? We discipline children when they exhibit those behavior traits, why then are men being told that they must become a therapist to deal with childish behaviour??? It is manipulative and selfish! We excuse the child on the basis that they have not been schooled in the art of self control, in understanding that they cannot always have things their way,that sometimes in order to be understood one must first understand!!!!! So when women display this behaviour trait...its hard for a grown man to fathom and accept this as anything else but overt childishness. And yes women are capable of controlling themselves
Mike on March 08, 2014:
I never argue and I am single and happy.
Gina on November 03, 2013:
I want to thank you for your article. You hit it right on the head about why most women are not happy in their relationships. At the core of it is we don't feel like we are getting what we deserve. I must admit, Im a 42 year old woman and I learned the hard way that the world isn't a fantasy and we need to learn how to be happy and feel blessed with our relationships instead of finding things wrong about them. If there are real serious issues involved, that doesn't fit in. But if a woman doesn't feel loved, I have learned it's a product of the society we live in where we can blame men for that and its not always their fault, especially when they are truly trying. Arguments need to be fair and mature and neither the man nor woman should expect their partner to cater to them 24/7. That calls for a short term relationship fix and not keeping together with a great person. I know this after losing a great man who was there for me for everything and moved on. I learned that he passed away early this year and i wish i could tell him i really did appreciate him.
PermissionGiver (author) from Lake Stevens on April 23, 2013:
Trust me, there were no expectations involved when I wrote this ;)
F@$k that! on April 18, 2013:
I can't believe you expect men should do all this, why can't women fix their own vanity, insecurities and manipulations? and not dump them on their partners?
Michael on November 01, 2012:
I like your article... You are right about why women are doin this and also what causes these situations, but your solutions are so absurd. Don't feed the beast... Guide your woman to emotional maturity. Your solutions make men a slave to emotion and not principle and reason, that which makes us men. Plus you make it sound like every woman has a histrionic personality disorder. This must not be advice for establishing long relationships... Men would eventually go insane following this advice...
PermissionGiver (author) from Lake Stevens on January 30, 2012:
Very true Mill, and some arguments can even be fun! lol
Thanks for the vote =)
Shasta Matova from USA on January 29, 2012:
This is an interesting insight to arguing. Arguments are good, because if we didn't argue, we have given up. Voted up.