Why Do Men Struggle With Monogamy?

Updated on November 19, 2018
Learn why men cheat and what you can do to help prevent it from happening.
Learn why men cheat and what you can do to help prevent it from happening. | Source

In this day and age, it is so easy for men to find women. Whether it be in church, work, gym, yoga class or the house of ill repute, men see women everywhere they go! With society sexualizing women so much, it's no wonder why men have a problem keeping it in their pants even when they already have a woman who loves him.

It's the age-old question of "Why do men cheat?", and often times there is no concrete answer. Well, ladies, the answers are in! Being a male myself, I will reveal to you all the secret reasons why men have trouble remaining faithful and where you can play a part in helping us. Yes I said it: YOU have a part to play in helping us remain faithful!

The Conquest

Men are hunters and gatherers, killers and eaters, and protectors of their caves. The pride of a man, called the "male pride," is to go on conquests for himself or his family, and often that pride inhibits him from remaining monogamous with his woman. Too often, "male pride" dips into his loins and cause him to go on conquests for sex. We term this as "pulling women", "bagging chicks", "collecting" or any other term that you may have heard. Sex, unfortunately, is a conquest for men and the more we have it, the more our pride sores and the better we feel about ourselves. If we do not get a lot of, or any, sexual encounters, we drag our head in the sand and act like the world is against all because our egos weren't satisfied. Our egos are very sensitive and it is as real as the nose on our faces!

Where and how did we learn such foolish thinking that guides us men this way? A lot of it came from older men who never discovered their purpose in life and so, as a result, they default to sex for their conquests. They then teach the other generation to do the same and because he's a guy just like us, and older, we take what he says to heart and we act just like him. Some of the older men were our fathers, granddads, uncles. deacons in church, pastors, bosses, or any other male figure in a powerful position who didn't have himself fully put together. The rest of it came from peer pressure from our friends who heard the exact same things. If you were not "pulling chicks," you were ostracized and considered "gay" (disclaimer: I have NO issues with the LGBT community!). These labels were damaging to our male pride so we have to prove ourselves to our boys that we weren't punks or losers.

This type of conquest is VERY juvenile and most men carry it into their adulthood. How so? If the man still has hang ups in the past where his "homies" clowned (made fun of) him for being too scared to talk to that girl, in his mind he's thinking: "that really hurt back then...I was a punk...I should have talked to that girl but I didn't and everyone laughed at me...well that's not going to happen again! ill prove to myself and the world that I can do it this time and that I'm not afraid!" As a result of this thinking, his male pride kicks in to high gear to defend himself. And what does he do? He cheats on you with another girl!

The problem with his thinking is that he still thinks his so-called "buddies" are watching him and so is the world, when the reality is quite the opposite. Nobody cares! Instead of going on with his life and being happy with you, he still has hang-ups for being made a spectacle by his peers. Those men never learned how to get out of that loop; however, this statement from my dad fixed everything about that erroneous thinking: "Son, the reason why you're feeling unfulfilled is because you, and your boys, see women as objects, trophies, and collectibles for your cabinet. There is more to life than just having arrows in your quiver...when you start loving women for who they are and not just what they can do for your ego, then you will be able to experience some love."

*drops mic*

I'm Tired of Her

Ladies, we have heard you refer to this one often. It's the classic "I'm not pretty enough" statement you all have assumed first when your man cheats. Unfortunately, you are correct in your assumption. While this is NOT always the case, men have admitted that their woman has grown unattractive, let herself go, gained weight, has bags under her eyes, etc. Men are physical creatures first and base a lot of value off of looks.

This is something women don't understand because they all are emotional creatures first and looks last. We are totally backwards (or maybe vice versa) in how we think. Literally! So it's inherently unfair to be upset with the man for being swayed by an attractive woman. That's something that he naturally does anyways! The problem was that he broke the trust and the agreement you two had. He allowed your looks to be the main purpose of dating you and when that "faded," so did his interest.

I was in a public cafeteria one day and I had befriended one of the cooks. He was an older heavyset gentleman who had a good head on his shoulders but would often refer to his marriage in a critical way. While he made my burger, I was reading an article that was almost as funny as this one, and he noticed my glee. In retort, he said "man...with you smiling and laughing that much, you're probably looking at naked pictures of my wife." Without thinking twice, I lost all composure and laughed in the moment. He had a sense of humor and laughed too (thankfully) and I went about my way.

Ever since then, I wondered how miserable he must feel; to have allowed himself to only love his wife for her looks to make a comment like that is pretty daft. As a guy, I totally understood where he was coming from: he's lost sexual interest. And because his wife is getting older and "less attractive," he is worried that he will never have that "hot sex high" he once had with her. When that happens, male pride again kicks into high gear to get something new and fresh. And what does he do? He cheats on you with another girl! All of us guys were warned that looks aren't everything; even the ultimate player, Solomon, said this and he had more women than Hugh! Remember what he said, fellas? "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting..."

She Won't Do X or Y

I've heard this one so often it's comical. Men will sit down and complain all day about his woman and how she doesn't do this for him or how he likes it or whatever. Usually these are sexual favors that the man hoped his wife would do but she flipped the script on him and decided not to do it. Other times it's because she is bad with money, allows in-law interference, antagonizing, argumentative, bossy/pushy or disrespectful, can't cook, etc. Most men simply take their ball and leave without attempting to fix the problem (if you're not married that's ok). But even if we have tried to make things better, whether it be counseling, going on more dates, or prayer, we are tempted to cheat if we see no end in sight to the poor communication and our needs not being met.

There is an old phrase my parents liked to use that said "making a mountain out of a mole hill" while other people phrase it as "are you willing to die on that hill". Most of the time, when a guy is complaining about his woman not doing X, he told me the other day an issue (Y) that he had but he persistently focuses on X! I see a mountain that he should be dying on and he's dying on a pebble! Male pride tends to be selfish and wants all of it for itself. It wants to eat both the cake and the cookie and not care who has a problem with it. If that ego isn't satisfied, male pride kicks into high gear to preserve ourselves. And what do we do? You guessed it! We cheat on you with another girl!

Some issues are mere communication barriers married and dating people can actually work through, but sometimes they get our goat as men. Other issues are simply things men will have to accept as no and be done with it. The solution for the man is to simply remember that you do NOT deserve anything. Yes, that's right. You don't deserve anything! And neither does she! You both are in servitude towards each other and anything you give each other should be considered a gift.

Ladies, if your man is offering up some of these things that you don't do well or won't do, it is because he heard one of his buddies is getting it and he now wants it too. His friend spent all day bragging about it and how good it feels/looks/tastes that now he wants it. Male pride! Instead of talking to you about it like a human being, your man then charges into the house like a Neanderthal and demands that you do X. He suddenly forgets that Y made him happy for all these years and now he doesn't want it. Had he talked about it with you pleasantly, you would have agreed to do X, or say no to X and offer up a better Y. If you two can't decide, then the middle ground is Z! Z is the last letter of the alphabet and should be the last conclusion you two agree on when X and Y fails.

What Can You Do?

I started this article pointing out what the ladies can do to help prevent their men from cheating. As a social disclaimer, the woman is NEVER responsible for why her man cheats. Why? If the man does not like her, he can call it quits or divorce her. Simple as that! Cheating falls on him and his inability to work things out with you, but here is where you can scoop him up a little:

If your man never really went on a conquest and feels that his male pride wants to "bag chicks," the solutions are as follows:

  1. Have an open relationship/marriage and let him have his fun provided that he follow strict guide rules. While there are moral implications for why you should not do this (and I am not condoning it), this is an option non-the-less and you two should be free to explore as long as you BOTH agree to this.
  2. Let him chase you! Make a fun hide and seek game with him and make him look for you. Another tactic is to go public places and pretend to be strangers. Play cat and mouse with him just enough to get him to insist you leave with him. Then "go home" with him! In both scenarios, pounce on him like a cheetah on a rabbit! Give him whatever he wants (within reason) and he will forget about all those other women! He will know a reward is coming for his conquests and you are the prize!
  3. Ask him about who he has a crush on! Yes! Talk to him about his crushes! Don't let those thoughts fester in his head, draw them out in a non-judgmental way and talk about it. Do NOT get offended by what he says because remember he's a man and the way he thinks won't change. After he's spilled his guts to you, pick one of the attributes you heard that he found the most pleasant and DO IT! Do it over and over like how a kid keeps using the same cheat codes in video games to pass a level. This will make him forget about his crushes and surrender his conquests to you.
  4. Stroke his ego and shower him with kingly gifts and golden chariots! Ok, I threw that one in there for kicks, but make him feel like a king somehow. He IS your king after all, right? RIGHT?

If your man expresses to you, either in a mean or nice way, that he doesn't find you attractive anymore or that his needs aren't being met, first make him apologize for being mean. Then, figure out where things went south between the honeymoon and then. Whatever he says, and this goes both ways, adjust it and fix it. Plain and simple. "Why should I? He should love my personality not my looks! I shouldn't have to perform for him!"

Yes, but this is the part where most women miss the mark: men are easy to please! And one our biggest pleasure area is looks! Why not continue to look sexy for your man? Why not give him what he visually wants? Why not do those things that he likes? Is it really going to kill you? NO. Does it have to be all the time? Absolutely not. But just like the conquest, it helps to give him something to look forward to and remember. Just as you, ladies, expect him to be the provider of the house, which is a hard, underrated job, he expects you to look good for him.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Questions & Answers


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      • profile image

        Chloe Aiden 

        16 months ago

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        16 months ago

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        17 months ago

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        18 months ago

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        A nony mouse 

        19 months ago

        Some of these guys that only value looks are often no oil painting themselves. As for she won't do x or y, that usually cuts both ways too, it is not unusual to find that a woman is quite prepared to do something she personally finds disgusting, but the guy will not repay the favour.

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        19 months ago

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        20 months ago

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      • profile image


        21 months ago

        All i can say is. If with all these you would ask your daughter to go through the same then fine. I just feel like if you treat a woman good she'll be good but men nowdays lack empathy for women whatsoever that's all I'll say

      • profile image

        A nony mouse 

        2 years ago

        I think it is way more common for men to cheat than women, because women face far more opprobrium than men do for this sort of behaviour.

        When you speak of the discontented cheater, frequently that person is simply someone who is making an excuse for their own bad behaviour, that or they have unrealistic expectations of their relationships.

      • dashingscorpio profile image


        3 years ago from Chicago

        "If the man does not like her, he can call it quits or divorce her. Simple as that! " - Not really!

        The goal of most cheaters is to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side.

        The majority of cheaters have no desire to (replace) one relationship with another. Essentially they're looking to "compliment" what they already have.

        I believe there are three basic cheaters.

        1. The Incessant Cheater

        He most likely has never been faithful in any long-term relationship. He gets bored easily and is always looking for a "new" thrill. For them monogamy is like going on a very strict diet. It's not a matter of (if) they will cheat but rather (when) they will cheat. Their motto would be:

        "Variety is the spice of life!"

        2. The Unbelievable Opportunity Cheater

        This person is not "proactively" looking to cheat. They may have a secret crush on someone they think is "hot" or there is an ex who gets in contact with him. Either scenario the women make it known that he could turn his fantasy into reality by flirting with him or hitting on him.

        If the guy is young/immature and accompanied by other men he may give in to "peer pressure" not to ignore the opportunity presented.

        This cheater caves in to temptation. It's not unheard of for him to later confess weeks, months, or years later in order to stop carrying guilt.

        3. The Discontented Cheater

        He blames YOU!

        There's something you did or STOPPED doing that caused him to look outside of the relationship. You took him for granted, always were complaining, stopped having various forms of sex or rarely had sex rejecting him most of the time...Someone came along complimented him, flirted with him, and made him feel "special" again.

        Having said that neither gender is standing on "holy ground" when it comes to cheating. Anyone in the U.S. who has watched TV shows such as "Paternity Court", "Cheaters", and "The Maury Povich Show" AKA "You are NOT the father!" is aware women cheat just as much as men.

        In fact lesbians report that their girlfriends cheat on them too!

        Ultimately both monogamy and cheating are choices the individual makes. The only person (you) can control is yourself. Never ignore "red flags"!


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