Top 12 Things Women Do to Destroy Their Marriage

Updated on September 12, 2018
Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah is a writer, healer, and teacher. Her goal is to help people live their best lives every day by sharing her joy and love of life.

Wives bear as much responsibility as husbands. We have the power to make a home, or break it.
Wives bear as much responsibility as husbands. We have the power to make a home, or break it. | Source

How Women Hurt Their Husbands

While both husband and wife should take responsibility for their part in a marriage, below are twelve mistakes common to women, which can completely destroy a marriage. When women exercise the following behaviors, it can create a hostile environment, where no one feels safe or comfortable. There are also plenty of ways that men can destroy a marriage as well.

It is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. If life is stressful, then work on changing your perception and start making positive changes in your life.

You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek the things that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The only person you can change is yourself.

12 things that women do to destroy their marriage:

  1. Using harsh words
  2. Having unrealistic expectations
  3. Using sarcastic and critical language
  4. Criticizing him in front of your family and friends
  5. Withholding affection and physical intimacy
  6. Disrespecting his opinions
  7. Undermining his authority, but demanding he takes full responsibility
  8. Never being happy
  9. Demoralizing him and crushing his spirit
  10. Picking the wrong man
  11. Focusing on work over the marriage
  12. Cheating

1. Using Words to Hurt, Maim, and Destroy Your Marriage

Women are adept at brandishing the sharpest words in order to shame, demean, and belittle their man. Words are like toothpaste, once they are out, there is no getting them back in. Regardless of how sorry you are afterward, the damage has been done. All the sorries in the world will never take back the sting of your angry words, once you have unleashed them on your hapless husband. Over the years, this type of constant verbal abuse can wear on your husband and make him very unresponsive to you and care less about you.

Rather than use your words as a weapon, use them as a healing balm to comfort, encourage and uplift your husband. And as grandma always used to say, "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all."

2. Having Unrealistic Expectations

Seeking fulfillment from one person, and projecting your unhappiness onto him when he doesn't measure up will quickly destroy your marriage. If you feel unhappy, first examine reality. You will be happier if you shape your expectations to fit the reality of your situation. Expecting your spouse or children to make you happy is unrealistic. Make yourself happy.

Imagine if you could only have one friend for your entire life. Would that work for you? Most women have several friends, who fill several roles. We have a friend with whom we like to go shopping. One friend likes to work out with us. One friend leads a bible study. One friend loves to have coffee on Wednesday mornings.

Each person in your life fulfills a different and important role. None is more important; they are just different. If you expect your husband to complete you and bring you eternal happiness, not only are you setting him up for failure, but you are also setting yourself up for disappointment.

Rather than look to one person to fulfill your every need, try expanding your circle of influence, to include a variety of people, who fill your life with different blessings. And most of all, look to yourself. Find ways to feel complete and happy with who you are as a person. First, seek to find your own happiness, within yourself. Then, rather than look to someone else to complete you, find ways to complement each other's lives.

3. Using Sarcastic and Critical Statements, Gestures, and Facial Expressions

This is a quick and easy way to show your husband that you don't respect him or his opinion. Men can become overwhelmed by the barrage of criticism coming at them. The result is they shut down, withdraw, and seek kindness and approval elsewhere.

Have you ever experienced someone discounting what you have to say, without actually listening to you? When you are critical or sarcastic with your husband, he feels attacked and unvalued. Listen to him, without adding your two cents worth. If you'd like to ask questions, wait until he stops talking. Don't interrupt with a story about how the dog threw-up on the carpet. Let him have a few minutes to be the center of your attention. And if you absolutely must get dinner made, invite him to join you in the kitchen. Tell him that you would like to hear about the rest of his day, and mean it.

Another way to show disrespect is to roll your eyes or make sarcastic facial expressions. These are just as irritating for your husband, as they are for you when your teenaged daughter does it. There is no need to be rude, even if you've been married forever. It is more important to give him your attention, to look at him and to listen than it is to roll your eyes or shake your head in exasperation. You are trying to build a bond, not destroy the man you love.

4. Criticizing, Belittling, and Making Fun of Him to Your Friends and Family

When you criticize and belittle your husband, you not only diminish your husband in your eyes, but you also poison those closest to you. You force them to take sides, and of course, they choose your side, because they want to be loyal to you. Your friends and family don't live at your house. They don't see what goes on day after day. They don't see the good things your husband does. The only view they have of your husband is the one that you present to them. If you are constantly badmouthing and belittling him, then they will view him as a bad partner for you.

After you speak badly about him, they will never look at your husband the same way again. Even when you get over your tirade, and everything is great at home, they will still be mad at him. Your friends and family members want to protect you from danger and harm. If you are constantly referring to your husband in a negative light, then they will want to protect you and your children from this monster you married, even if he isn't really a monster.

When you speak poorly of your spouse, your close friendships and relationships will remain irreparably altered against your husband, in time, this can destroy your marriage. He will never understand why your friends don't like him, and why your mother is mean to him.

Rather than trying to make excuses, don't start down that path. When you speak of your husband, use uplifting, encouraging words. If he is acting like a jerk, you don't need to gush about it to everyone you know. Your constant complaints against him will create a wall between your husband and your friends, which he can never overcome.

5. Withholding Affection and Sex

This can cause a huge rift in your marriage, whether you realize it or not. Men are wired differently than women. Your husband needs physical release through sexual intimacy. It is not just something he is demanding of you; it is something he needs, physiologically speaking.

When you refuse to meet his need for physical release, you are making a much deeper statement; you do not care about or respect his needs. This is not about whether you like or dislike sex. It is much more important than that. Your spouse needs to connect with you on a physical level, whether you are in the mood or not.

As much as you need emotional release and closeness, he is wired to need physical release and closeness. Neither is wrong. You are just different. While you want your emotional needs met, it is important not to lose sight of his needs. Think of it this way; what if he stopped talking to you for three days? How about a week? What if he didn't talk to you for an entire month? Unconscionable, right? Likewise, it is unfair for you to cut him off from what he needs. You are in a relationship with a man you love, and you expect your needs to be met. In the same way, you need to meet his needs, regardless of whether you share the same needs and desires.

Tips to Save Your Marriage

6. Disrespecting His Insight, Opinions, and Advice

Men and women are different on many levels. Men are fixers. By nature, if you present a problem, he will come up with concrete steps to solve the problem. When you are dismissive, it sends the message that you do not value him. When you come to your husband with a problem or a concern, be ready for him to create an action plan to resolve your conflict. It may not be exactly what you would do, but he is offering a solution. The least you can do is listen to his suggestion, and thank him for his input. Before you reject his idea out of hand, take some time to consider what his opinion is. Think about what he said. You don't have to do everything he suggests, but listen and think about it.

If you just want to bitch and complain, call a girlfriend. Girlfriends are great listeners. They will not try to fix you. Women like to talk things out, without being fixed. Sometimes you just need an ear to listen, not a solution. When that is the case, perhaps your husband isn't the person to approach.

If you must whine at your husband, tell him upfront that you don't require a solution, just an ear to hear. He will still offer suggestions, but if you tell him, before you begin your rant, that you don't need an answer, just to vent, then he won't be offended when you don't take his advice. And sometimes, you could surprise him and actually follow his advice. It might just work.

7. Undermining His Authority, but Demanding He Take Full Responsibility

In any organization, there must be a leader, someone in charge. The head over the whole organization, who says, "The buck stops here." Typically, the person who carries the responsibility ought to be the one who has the final say. Families and relationships are much like any other organization. There must be someone in charge, someone who will take full responsibility when things go wrong, and someone that everyone can turn to.

You, of course, are welcome to take that role, if you are willing to be fully responsible when the chips are down. It is easy to be critical of the person in charge, and it is easy to think that you could do a better job. The hard part comes when it is time to take responsibility. Rather than making decisions without regard for your husband's input, and then blaming him when things don't work out, try instead to work together. You can decide together how things should be done, and you can offer him the final say when decisions need to be made.

Don't become so focused on your own feelings and fears (i.e. I'm afraid he'll make a bad decision. I feel like I make better decisions) to override his feelings and fears (i.e. I am responsible to take care of the family. I'm afraid no one in the family respects me.) Be gracious in light of his decision making. You can respectfully disagree with a decision without attacking his ability to lead.

8. Never Being Happy

One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to spend all your time acting miserable and unhappy. The goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. It is to this end that you have an obligation to be happy. If the goal is to be happily married, it is up to you to exercise self-control. Only you can make yourself happy. If you believe that your happiness comes from other people or having things or external circumstances, then you will never be happy.

You are in charge of your happiness. It is a decision. You can choose to be a miserable, unhappy grouch, or you can suck it up, pull your boots on, and show up in your marriage as the person you'd like to be.

There is no need to express every angry, bitter or resentful thought. Everybody gets pissed off, frustrated, and irritated. There isn't anyone to blame. You are choosing to respond to your circumstances with that attitude. You can choose a different path. By owning your own problems, you can take responsibility for your own happiness. Each day, work on bringing your best self into the relationship. Regardless of what happens, you are only one thought away from peace.

Remind yourself every day; I can see peace instead of this. And then, work to see the peace that is available to you.

9. Demoralizing Him and Crushing His Spirit

If asked, most men believe their wives to be more moral and spiritual than themselves. Often, the wife agrees. She does not see herself as sinful or wrong. She feels her greatest "sins" lie in being deeply disappointed by her husband's failures and her children's shortcomings. Beyond this, wives typically admit to bad behavior and attitudes but attribute it to hormones, chemical imbalances, and a dysfunctional childhood.

Woe to the husband who dares suggest his lovely bride could use improvement in some aspect of her life. Labeled a heartless, uncaring, unrighteous lout, he is silenced by an angered, wounded wife, cloaked in self-righteous indignation. She then feels perfectly justified in attacking every flaw, magnifying every misstep, and pointing out every failure, until he feels ashamed for living. You are not your husbands Holy Spirit. Stop trying to correct every little flaw you perceive in his character and set about removing the blinding plank from your own eye.

Of course, everyone makes mistakes. You can build him up or tear him down. The choice belongs entirely to you.

10. Picking the Wrong Man

You repeat the pattern again, and again. You meet a man, you like him, you start dating. Then you begin to notice the tiny flaws, the chinks in his armor. He yells, just like your Dad did. He drinks and becomes abusive. He is mean to your kids. "It's o.k.," you tell yourself, "I'll fix him after we get married."

Stop right there. There is no fixing it!

The man you date will be the same man after you are married. Inherently kind? He'll still be kind. Addicted to pornography? He'll still be addicted. You cannot change the basic nature of other people. You cannot love them into changing. You cannot nag, or pout, or complain them into changing. If the relationship feels unhealthy during dating, getting married will not fix it. He will not magically become more responsible, more reliable, or more loving after you marry him. So if you want a good husband, find a good man, date him, and marry him.

While this list may seem daunting, it is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. If life is stressful, work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek those things that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.

11. Focusing on Work Over the Marriage

It can be easy to fall into the trap of spending too much time at work and not enough time at home. This neglect can have a negative impact on a marriage. While it is hard to find that proper balance between work and home life, focusing on your marriage is still important. Your husband wants to spend time with you, and depriving him of that time so you can focus on your work will cause some friction and resentment.

If you don't give the time of day to your husband and the two of you never see each other due to work commitments, your marriage will be on the rocks very quickly. Many women fall into this trap because they want to focus on bettering their careers. It can be hard to make the time to be with your husband when you are working a full-time job, but if you are serious about maintaining your marriage, you'll have to find a way to make it work.

12. Cheating

I think this goes without saying, but if you cheat on your husband, you will ruin your marriage. There are some lines that cannot be crossed, and that is one of them: infidelity is a big deal-breaker, and your husband will not be able to forgive you for such an act.

How Menopause Can Ruin a Marriage

As a woman enters menopause, it can make her less intimate with her husband. Due to her changing hormones, she can become less affectionate towards her spouse. The menopause transition can be a difficult time, and it's a matter of biology so it cannot be avoided. Both sides have to be understanding of each other and work together to deal with the changes brought on by menopause. This is not an excuse to be terrible to your husband though, you still have to be aware of the things you say to him and your overall relationship. Using menopause as an excuse to treat him poorly is a bad way to go about it.

5 Ways Women Can Save Their Marriage

There are ways that women can help save their marriage. Keep in mind that both sides have to be open to saving the marriage. If one side has done something major (like cheating), it would be very difficult for the marriage to be saved. Here are five things you can do to help save your marriage.

Ways to save a marriage

  1. Marriage counseling
  2. Working to repair the relationship
  3. Rekindling the romance
  4. Fixing the issues that can be fixed
  5. Listening to each other

1. Marriage Counseling

Going to a certified marriage and family therapist and getting counseling is a great way to start the process of working on your marriage. The therapist will help you and your husband work through your issues and develop strategies for working through your issues.

While there are many people out there who do not like the idea of going to counseling, if you and your husband are serious about saving your marriage, going to a therapist is the first step.

2. Working to Repair the Relationship

Both sides have to agree to work on repairing the damage that has been caused. Even if most of the damage was caused by one person, you still have to decide to work together in restoring the marriage. Setting ground rules for communication and identifying areas of the marriage that need the most work are two important things to do first.

3. Rekindling the Romance

If you have both decided to work on fixing your marriage, reestablishing the romantic part of your relationship is a must. Start by going out on dates again and other things that you used to do at the start of the relationship. Take it slowly, just like you did when you first started dating each other. Reigniting that spark of romance in your marriage will help immensely.

4. Fixing the Issues That Can Be Fixed

As a couple, the two of you need to figure out what problems can be fixed. According to marriage expert Dr. John Gottman, about 70% of problems in relationships are, by nature, perpetual and unresolvable (e.g., you want kids but he is infertile). This means figuring out the other 30% that can be fixed and accepting that the other problems will never be fixed.

5. Listening to and Supporting Each Other

This point may seem obvious, but if you want to save your marriage, you have to work on supporting each other and listening to each other. Listen to your husband's needs and try to understand where he is coming from. Create a warm home environment where the two of you can continue to work through your issues and get them resolved. Also, understand that these marital issues will not disappear overnight and it may take some time to resolve them.

Questions & Answers

  • Whenever my wife serves me, she is rude. Breakfast, lunch, or dinner, she starts with words that mentally disturb me. She never laughs, and she's always tense. We don't have sex anymore. Sometimes I think I should die or commit suicide, but I stop and think of my three-year-old daughter. What should I do?

    Do you ever do anything nice for your wife? Maybe when she is serving you in a manner you do not like, it is because she feels unappreciated, unnoticed, and unloved. Try asking her how she feels. Do something nice for her. When you begin showing her kindness and love, she will return with respect and intimacy. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start being kind to your wife and daughter.

  • I have one question, I was working last year but now I don't and I am realizing that my girlfriend's behavior towards me is becoming worse. She is unhappy anymore she doesn't respect me anymore, do you think she was happy because of money?

    It is difficult on a relationship when one of the partners doesn't work. She may not be unhappy because of money only. What do you do all day, if you aren't working? If you are supportive and helpful, in spite of the fact that you aren't working, then she might still be okay. Do you keep the house and yard clean? Do you do nice things for her? Do you make dinner when she gets home from work? Women don't necessarily need financial support, but also emotional support. If she is the only one working, maybe she needs you to step up and do more for the relationship. It might not have anything to do with money.

  • My husband never spends time with me, badmouths me to his mom and friends, and never stands up for me. I'm staying with him for the kids, but I feel lonely and depressed. Do you have any advice?

    First, I'd suggest speaking up for yourself, to him and his mom. Let them know how destructive they are, not only to you but the relationship in general. Second, I'd suggest finding things outside the house and away from them to do with your kids, like field trips, outings to the library or local recreation center. Start building a support network among people who have similar interests to you. Churches and volunteer groups are great places to meet people, and you won't feel so isolated.

  • Wow, thank you for writing this column. I can honestly say that I have seen all of these tactics put to use, sometimes more than two in one day. Except for #10, my wife has shown me the effectiveness of her verbal proficiency; most consistently on #5, which may demand an article of it's own! ;) WHY?

    Thank you for your question. I'm not sure what, exactly, you are asking "why" about. If you mean specifically number 5, the answer is kind of simple. She doesn't feel connected to you. For whatever reason, your wife feels disconnected emotionally, and for most women, when they feel disconnected, then they cut off sex to get your attention. It's a catch-22 because both parties are hurting and feel neglected. The best marital advice I learned said that the more mature person acts first. So, if you want to be the more mature person in this situation, you forgive her first. You move first to rebuild the relationship. You move things forward. Women want to feel loved, appreciated and acknowledged. Reconnect with her to rebuild your physical intimacy. Talk and listen. Gently hug and kiss her, without a demand for more. Unfortunately, someone has to act first. Best of luck to you.

    Namaste

  • What if the husband continues being insensitive, irresponsible? Has an affair? Why should the wife keep doing this? Should it not happen from both sides?

    Yes, it should happen from both sides. If the husband is having an affair, is insensitive and irresponsible, then the wife needs to look after her own well being. I'd start with counseling and move forward from there.

© 2010 Deborah Demander

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    • profile image

      Evolve234 

      5 days ago

      You are writing about men needing release. It sounds like women should just be holes in the wall. I like living in a world of physical autonomy without any obligatory, damaging, unwanted, grin and bear it sexual relations. This is so sexist and offensive. Is this what you would tell your daughter?

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      5 weeks ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @The Truth Again,

      I wish you all the best!

      Namaste

    • profile image

      The Truth Again 

      6 weeks ago

      To Deborah, Thank you very much for your support.

    • profile image

      Laura holy-field 

      2 months ago

      sweetness of marriage is having your spouse be the same man you married ,while courtship and after marriage.we have been married for 7{seven} years now.i have never for once doubted him for any reason but recently i was surprised when he started having his phones locked and other gadgets.i decided not ask him and allow him be,but it got more interesting when he comes back home very late than usual.i decided to speak with him in order to know what has been wrong with him or where i have gone wrong.several persuasion prove abortive,this had me down at work and home.From that point i knew something was wrong,all attempt to know who he was seeing outside wasn't successful,this got me sick and i decided to go for a divorce but my attorney needed some sought of evidence which got me directed to my old hacker friend[freedom _hacking at hot-mail . com ] who assisted me a year ago when i hired him for [my spouse] to clear his name off a fraudulent accusation on a credit card at his work which he knows nothing about.I know he was knowledgeable and a smart guy when it comes to getting justice for clients,i just concluded my divorce and if you must know ,he has been sleeping with his boss wife at work and we just sent a video of them to the board and he has been issued a sent off letter with immediate effect.what an ingrate.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Wendy Carper,

      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my article. It takes a lot to look inside and see our own contributions to the difficulties in our relationships. Introspection and self-evaluation are valuable and rare tools to use for growth.

      I am so glad you found these articles useful. I'm hoping your friends will be equally self-actualized and enlightened.

      I wish you all the best on your journey.

      Namaste

    • WendogsCreate profile image

      Wendy Carper 

      2 months ago from Grove

      During the past few weeks, two of my dearest friends were experiencing the grief of emotional abandonment. Having experienced this so many times in my marriage AND with the realization of how I contributed to my OWN abandonment issues, I was certain that my advice would help them through this. BUT when they began making the same mistakes that I did, I found myself more upset than they were. I realized that what they needed more than a comforting ear was a different perspective and I had not been able to bring myself to point that out yet, nor were they ready to hear it. I searched the internet for articles from the man's perspective. When I found your article, a feeling of peace came over me as I read. The knowledge came from a woman who had experienced pain, realized her mistakes, and was accountable for her part in the tango only two can dance. I even read the comments, which lead me to your 2nd article, which is just as illuminating as this one. I have made copies and sent both articles to my friends so they can share them with their partners so maybe they can better understand one another. Thank you so much for being you, Deborah, keep playing it forward through writing!!!

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      3 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @The Truth Again,

      It sounds like you have had a terrible experience, and for that I am truly sorry.

      I hope you don't let your ex-wife ruin your perception of all women. We aren't all bad. I don't cheat on my husband, and I wouldn't. It's sad that you've had to endure such things, and I wish you all the best moving forward.

      Don't give up hope. There are still good women out there, just as there are still good men out there.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      The Truth Again 

      3 months ago

      Well i know that i made my comment about six weeks ago which i will further explain. The great deal of women today do cheat more unfortunately since they really enjoy sleeping around with different men all the time for the thrill of it. And most women today which is real fact by the way do file for divorce more than men do which in my case, i was the one that filed since she was always cheating on me. And then she had the nerve to say to me, lets have an open marriage. Well that is when i had to file for divorce immediately which i was very lucky to find a very good lawyer, and i was divorced in just three weeks since she agreed to sign the divorce papers right away. It is very sad that she turned out to be a very pathetic low life real loser altogether, especially when she was caught. I was the very faithful one in my marriage since i was very happy at that time thinking that i was going to spend the rest of my life with her which wasn't the case unfortunately. Many women nowadays just can't commit to only one man anymore like they did in the past since most men and women in those days were very committed to the very end. It is very sad that many of us very faithful men have been destroyed by this already unfortunately. And today many women that have their careers now are very independent which i will even admit that they really don't need a man to survive anymore like they did in the old days. This is a very excellent reason why marriages are failing like crazy today since many women over the years are very greedy, selfish, spoiled, and very money hungry more than ever since they just want the very best of all and will never ever settle for less. And God forbid for many of us men trying to start a conversation with a woman that we would really like to meet now has become very extremely dangerous for us since most of the time they will be so damn nasty to us and walk away as well. Now you have these very pathetic loser women with their careers that i just mentioned already which most of these women that i have noticed have such a very bad attitude problem and really no respect for many of us men at all. And their manners are so very horrible as well. This is why so many of us very good innocent men are going MGTOW today which will certainly save many of us men a lot of pain and misery altogether. Like they say, it really does take two to tango today which it really takes only one to mess it up. Peace.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      3 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you LeeWerber,

      Wishing you all the best!

      Namaste

    • profile image

      LeeWerber 

      3 months ago

      @Deborah Demander

      You answer really helped. Thanks a lot!

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      3 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @LeeWerber,

      Only you can determine if your marriage and sex life are in jeopardy. If you are using something that enhances your love life, then that seems like a good thing.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      3 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @judyin40s, It sounds like you both need to decide why you are married and if you even like each other. If the answer is yes, then start acting like you like your husband. I think professional counseling might help with your depression.

      Staying together because you are too poor to get divorced is a ridiculous excuse. If you aren't working and you aren't happy, then maybe you could ask yourself what you want. What do you want from life? What is the purpose of your life? To sit around and be miserable? What is it that you'd really love to do? Figure out what makes your heart sing, apart from your husband, and start doing that. If you aren't happy about who you are, chances are, you won't be happy in any relationship.

      Wish you all the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      LeeWerber 

      3 months ago

      We sometimes use sex drugs https://viabestbuys.com/ed-medicines-treatments/ when my husband don't want but I want. I have a question. Does such strategy harm to our marriage and sex life?

    • profile image

      judyin40s 

      3 months ago

      Do you have any advise for zombie marriage? Shall I divorce or stay?

      I think my situation is we are too poor to divorce.

      It happened many years ago. His sex drive is very very low. e.g we had less than 5 times sex a year for many years. We went to counselor and no help. I bought pills he doesn't want to take at all. now I have no desire on sex with him anymore. There is no third party. I found him flirt with another women and he stopped after I talked with him - but he doesn't know that crushes all my trust to him and I had/have depression . He has no obvious bad habits. Me either. We both wear smiles in public and cheers for kids activities and we both care about our kids. The only reason we not divorced yet is #1 kids, #2 finance. I am not working anymore since 2 years ago and don't want to go back to work. He has finance stress now and he keeps pressuring me to get a job. also for the same reasons he doesn't agree to divorce. He tried to persuade me to borrow money from my uncles to pay off the mortgages which I refused. He loves to control all the money. Sometimes I have to think what will happen if I work again. Everything will be back to old days. He will be released from financial stress and he will start his office-home life and ignore me as usual. I don't feel any happiness in this marriage, only responsibilities. get a job then divorce or not?

    • profile image

      Steve 

      3 months ago

      Amen!

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Alex,

      I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It must be very difficult. Perhaps you could gently suggest to your wife that she try to see things differently. Make sure you are meeting her needs for emotional connection, and let her know that what happened to her friend is happening to the two of you.

      I have a great book, available on Kindle, called The Married Girls Guide to Great Sex. Maybe that could help. I wish you all the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Alex 

      4 months ago

      This is very true. I have just watched my wifes friend destroy her second marriage. From fhe outside all looked well. Inside my wife was telling me they no longer had sex as she did t want it anymore and thought life would be ok without it. They had it once in last six months. He turned round one day and just said there was no spark anymore and left. Shocking as now she is out meeting other men.

      Now after having a baby girl, my wife has completely gone off sex. Our girl is now six months and only last night she said all we need is cuddles and kisses that dont need to go any further. I try to tell her, that is just foreplay to me. Which keeps me getting shut off and feeling frustrated. Im naturally looking at other women and using porn. I wouldnt cheat but self gratification is not enough. Im hoping she will get her libido back like she used to have before pregnant. I know she loves me loads and isnt going anywhere else. I suppose ill give her time and im lucky i can see through it.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Truth is, I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on my article.

      I think there must be as many men as women cheating, because it takes two to tango. Women aren't cheating in a vacuum. And both men and women do things that harm relationships.

      Thanks again for your comment,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Truth Is 

      4 months ago

      Well with so many women cheating nowadays, this doesn't surprise me one bit. Been there.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      5 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Stephanie,

      Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my article.

      I think that being in a relationship takes commitment from both people. With that in mind, I wrote two articles. One details common mistakes that women make, the other talks about common mistakes men make.

      That's not to say the other person isn't doing stuff wrong, but the intention is to help people become aware of how they may be contributing to the problems in their own life.

      Thanks again for your input.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Stephanie 

      5 months ago

      What a bunch of garbage, why is the focus solely on what the wife may be doing wrong? Perhaps she's adapted to these behaviors because the husband is a lazy,clueless, self -can centered ass??

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      5 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Yes, please feel free to use the information, as long as you cite me as the source.

      Thanks!

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      5 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Gregg Michaelsen,

      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my article. I appreciate your input.

      Yes, women talk nearly three times more than men, and it can be used for good or evil! I am glad you found the information useful.

      Wishing you all the best,

      Deborah

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      5 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Hello Emmanuel,

      You may use the information in a Power Point, please be sure to attribute the information to me, Deborah Demander.

      What are you using the material for?

      Thank you

    • Gregg Michaelsen profile image

      Gregg Michaelsen 

      6 months ago from Salem Ma

      I am dating and life coach and I learned a ton of new things from this article. Women speak an average of 20,000 words to a man's 7,000?

      That means she has 3 times the chances to use hurtful words. But she also has triple the words to use towards making him feel good about himself and the relationship. Great article to reference!

    • profile image

      Emmanuel 

      6 months ago

      Hello! I would like to use this material in a PowerPoint presentation, May I please have your permission to do so? Thank you!

    • profile image

      Emmanuel 

      6 months ago

      Hello! I would this material in PowerPoint presentation, Can I please have your permission to do so? Thank you!

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      6 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Robert Jones, Many people would agree with you. It's not worth the grief and aggravation to deal with marriage. However, this article, and other ones I write similar to this one, are in hopes of helping people create a better experience.

      Wish you all the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Johan Ernst 

      7 months ago

      Wow it is if you are living in my house and know my wife better then I do. This is really an eye opener for both married people and should be read by both. I am 72 and from the beginning of our marriage all that you mentioned was happening to me. Now I know why my wife react this way, her father was an alcoholic and a very demanding person. This was the cause that he was sometimes out off work and things went very wrong in their house. You can just imagine what it must have been to grew up in a house like that. Know I can understand why my wife re-act like this. We are surely going to work on what you wrote, its never to late to change things in your marriage. Thank you may God bless you and your family.

      Kind Regards Johan Ernst

    • profile image

      S BO 

      8 months ago

      Thank you..

      I'm a father of 3, married 27 years this June, our son has pdd-nos age 21, twin girls age 24, one daughter has medical issues last 3 years, other daughter works, they live at home, wife stayed home from 1996, we homeschool & moved to Florida, started life over after my own disability issues affected business, wife age 10 older brother molested her & she took years telling me the truth, now with everything in life I'm past my own tolerance for being able to take any attitude from her, I have loved my family more then I can express, I need her to fix things so can you do a post " Top 10 Things Men Do To Destroy There Marriage" Thank you again... I'm hurting on the inside and I want to the man I was caring for my family again like when I was younger....

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      8 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @punisher,

      That is certainly one way to look at a relationship. Wish you the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      punisher 

      8 months ago

      dont ask if she loves you .ask is she in love with you.hope you get the right answer .dont be scared to put your foot down hard,we all know what is right and wrong,cut the crap...

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      9 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you for reading and commenting on the article. I'm glad you liked it.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Abdillahi 

      9 months ago

      it's great joyful day for me to see with passage .

      I have never set eyes on like you because you are special one feels the reality life of marriage family size happiness and sadness.

      thanks dearest for your advice to golden family solution.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      9 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @thomas kenny,

      It's hard to blend families, especially when you don't first come to an agreement on discipline and expectations for the adults and the kids involved. It's never too late to sit down and talk about how you'd like to see things happen. And if you don't tell her how you feel, she'll never know.

      Wishing you all the best,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      thomas kenny 

      9 months ago

      My wife let her son get away with distorting our home

    • profile image

      Omar 

      9 months ago

      All of the above and she has turned our two sons against me. It should not have come as a surprise to me because her four sisters have done exactly the same, two of them are divorced, another one is about to be divorced and the youngest one left her husband and their daughters to run off with a guy..

      Good riddance.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      9 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Hi Borealis,

      In any given situation, you can only control yourself. You can't change or control your partner. Have you tried talking with your wife? Tell her how you feel and how your children are affected. Beyond that, you can't do much but maintain your own inner peace, and help your children find a stable life. If you or your children are in danger, perhaps you should reevaluate your relationship.

      Wish you the best,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      borealis 

      10 months ago

      Hi, what if a wife has 9 out of 10 of these bad habits. what advice would you give to the husband whose positive efforts are consistently being negated and especially if there are children as well in that marriage?

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      11 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @sam,

      Unfortunately, I don't know what you should do. You can only control your own behavior. What do you really want in your life? Focus on being the person that you are called to be.

      Best of luck.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      sam 

      11 months ago

      hi,i am 8 months married,sometimes i used to get so angry and recently 3 days before i fought with him just for not giving me time but i feel i was forcing him my mistake i accepted but he is not happy he says he got bored of me and irritated because of me and stopped talking to me ; i am out of my country i feel so lonely...i am all alone ,now i have decided to leave this silence and go to my country what shall i do help me?

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      11 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      John, thank you for that well thought out comment. I appreciate you taking the time to write. I agree that marriage takes sacrifice, and it's not always easy. Far too many people jump out when things get a little difficult, rather than work through the problems and discover a much deeper and fulfilling relationship.

      I also agree that a life of unconditional love creates deep beauty and meaning. It requires great self-sacrifice, which most people are not willing to endure. I wish you all the best.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      11 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Hi Sam,

      Sorry to hear of your predicament. It is possible to stay in an unhappy marriage. I did it for nearly 20 years. If you choose to stay, you can only control your own behavior. Offer love, kindness and forgiveness to your wife and to yourself. Show up as the best version of yourself, for your child and for yourself. Your marriage will benefit if you bring your A-game, in spite of your partner's behavior.

      Wish you the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      John Meek 

      11 months ago

      Hello Deb,

      Can you qualify your last item, with the reality that everybody has their own weaknesses. Without this, this last item becomes THE escape and the excuse.

      In some situations, an escape is necessary, because you did marry the wrong person. But the problem is, when you leave one, and marry another, you are only marrying a different set of weaknesses/strengths/attributes.

      Marriage has two very probable outcomes...

      1) to bring greater joy than you could have ever found alone

      2) to bring greater misery than you could have ever found alone

      If anybody wants the first outcome, they have to risk the possibility of the second outcome. BUT, too often, when outcome two becomes a reality, people tough it out sometimes for years, and then can't take it any longer and quit. the unfortunate thing is they could have had 1).

      There are only three groups:

      1) Those who tough it out, but have this nagging need (selfish) that they have, that just WILL NOT go away. If entertained, it can become consuming. And once they allow it to become consuming, the damn will eventually break. Possibly into a divorce.

      2) Those who tough it out, but have a serious problem with their spouse's behavior, which they CAN NOT change. Same as above, if they allow it to consume them, the damn will eventually break. Possibly into a divorce.

      3) Those in abusive relationships. This is the one justifiable reason for divorce, but it is still exemplary if somebody is able to tough it out by focusing on the true innate good in the other person. "Abuse" is a loaded word. And two people talking specifically how to react to "said abuse" might as well be from two different planets. I know those who were clearly in category 1 above, with the dream husband, who will rewrite their relationship with that husband as abusive. Nobody is perfect; but labeling common imperfections as abuse, is an insult to those who really do undergo abuse. In my 41 years, the evidence of what I have seen is mounting for the conclusion that: at least one spouse in every divorce, at some point in their life will likely entertain the use of the word "abuse." The only way to feel good about the decision to divorce is to come up with a reason that makes you look like the good guy. This need to cope with a crappy situation by changing your perception, means getting the truth is essentially impossible.

      But when I look at a couple that stayed together for 50 years, and can still smile at each other and show concern and respect for each other. Here the truth is obvious, and extremely beautiful. However it is humbling, because it is beautiful in a way that the world doesn't really value. It means submitting. It means swallowing pride. It means possibly choosing to live for decades with unmet, or under-met needs. It means forgetting yourself to an extent that may feel extremely miserable for a time. It means pushing through without looking back at regrets. It means forgiveness.

      It has to mean all of these truths for one or both in the relationship. We are all imperfect, so it can't be any other way.

      One of the big divides in peoples' opinions are regarding those relationships that clearly show one person who has sacrificed and forgiven more for decades on end. The person in the relationship that is "the glue." Some would say that the "better" person in the relationship shouldn't have to put up with the crap of the other person all these years, and would have been happier had they gotten a divorce. Those in the other camp (which would be me) would look at that "better" person and say, WOW! they just made themselves so much more beautiful. And their reward will be equal to the incredible beauty they built through their trial.

      I realize I'm probably in the minority in believing that a life of unconditional love (like many parent/child relationships) is potentially the most beautiful life. But I am okay with that.

    • profile image

      Sam 

      11 months ago

      Thank you for taking time to write this important article. It describes my wife! Enough said! 6 years and all I can do is to be strong! But what else is left to be done apart from taking different paths and the damage it shall cause to our only child?

    • profile image

      Sandeep 

      11 months ago

      Thank you for this well written article. I really wish all women read this and understood the men in their live.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      12 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      JM, Very beautifully worded. I appreciate what you say.

      Thank you for taking the time to read the article to to leave such a well reasoned and thought out response. My deepest respect to you.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      12 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @ Male Reader,

      Sorry to hear of your rough experience. Maybe you could let her know how you really feel. Why drag it out any longer?

      Wishing you the best,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Male Reader 

      12 months ago

      Great article. I have been married 5 years and cannot wait to be divorced. My wife is more ungrateful than any employer I have ever had. She is an expert at making a bad situation worse.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      12 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Breely, I couldn't agree with you more. No woman should be a doormat to an abusive man. When a woman gives and gives, and a man takes and takes, then there is a disconnect in the relationship.

      If a woman is in an abusive marriage, she should get out. Much easier said than done, however. It took me nearly 20 years to leave my abusive husband.

      We each need to do our own part. In a healthy relationship, both parties are constantly evaluating their own contribution to the partnership.

      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on the article. I appreciate your input.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Breely 

      12 months ago

      Not to say I'm perfect by no means, but I did give it my all and think it's totally unfair to give in to your husband's needs when he disrespects yours. No woman should be a door mat to any man who is abusing her. I'm sick of women being blamed just because a man won't keep his eyes in his head, his hands to himself, and his penis in his pants. Why should a loyal, faithful, woman bow down to a cheater? If she communicates and he doesn't what can she do? If she gives and he takes, what does she do? If she works hard on her relationship and he doesn't what does she do? If she gives unconditional love and he neglects her, what does she do? The abuse has to come to an end and when he chooses to cheat that's his choice and she should not be blamed for his actions. All of the ten things in this article should be analyzed personally and resolved. " It Takes Two Baby" If one person is giving their all and ends up in "Heartbreak Hotel" it's time to reevaluate self and take better care of self. You did all you can do. It's time you do all you can do for you. js

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      12 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      success79, I agree with your assessment. With some attention and care, people could save their relationships. Unfortunately, a successful marriage takes two committed partners. One person can't always do everything. But we can each do our own part.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

    • success79 profile image

      success79 

      12 months ago

      Well thought out and written article that certainly conveys the reality of how a marriage can be easily destroyed. I believe that the more a person explores information on how to protect their marriages from falling apart, a whole lot of marriages could be saved.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      13 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Lily,

      I appreciate your comment. If your argument is true, then a man shouldn't have to talk when he's not in the mood. Conversation is not just there for a woman's pleasure.

      As a couple, we sometimes make sacrifices for the better of the relationship. Women sometimes have sex to please their husband. Men sometimes have conversation to please their wife. Marriage is a two-way street.

      Wish you all the best,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Lily 

      13 months ago

      A woman should not have sex when she is not in the mood. If a guy needs physical release, then maybe he should take care of it himself. Sex is not just there for a guy's pleasure.

    • profile image

      Muthuri Akifa 

      14 months ago

      Great article. I am at the tail end of a 15 year marriage. The last few years have been pretty difficult because she just stopped being affectionate. Sex was just part of it. No hugs, no asking after me, impatience with me when I want to hold her, falling asleep AS SHE WAS GETTING INTO BED...I could go on and on. It was a difficult time also because of mounting financial pressure and running a start up. I tried so many different things to become better but got cut no slack. Even marriage counseling didn't help. Soon I ran out of gas and became suicidal. Eventually, after therapy and getting better control on my mental health, I recently told her I'm moving out. Affection, affirmation, acknoweldgement, and acceptance. I died slowly from lack of these. Deeply saddened by how things have turned out but also deeply relieved.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      15 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @CJ, Thanks for taking the time to read the article, and to articulate a well thought out comment. I appreciate your time and insight. We are all better partners when we try to remember that no one is perfect, and everyone has some bad days. And I like your approach to educating yourself. Something we should do throughout our lives. Best to you,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      CJ 

      15 months ago

      Good stuff! I've been married to my wife for 11 years now and we have 3 gorgeous daughters. I find the truth is the underlyning theme of the article. Control what you can control and take a positive approach initially in any situation. Pointing fingers at each other earlier in our marriage was a result of inexperience and youthful nonsense. As we have have bother move on from this we have discovered that you have good days and bad days. Learning to control your emotions in the heat of the moment, and looking at both point of views takes patients. Just like anything else repetitive in your life you will get better. My only addition is a bit of an old cliche. To the women who have taken the time to read the 10 things I applaud you. Guys, don't just read this article and shy step away from the 10 things we could improve on. I'm 40 years old and have found peace and happiness through educating myself on well thought out books and article such as this one. Look in the mirror it may speak volumes of truth! Remember, this is t a game this is your life partner, mother to your children, and beautiful lady who choose to spend her life with you! If the goal is to win the argument always then soon you will have nobody else to beat but yourself. These of course are my feeling, words, and life lessons that have applied to my situation. We all have different things to share so please take it for what it's worth. Thanks.

    • profile image

      The Truth 

      15 months ago

      Well with most women sleeping around all the time with different men which will be the main reason.

    • profile image

      IeuanD 

      16 months ago

      - I guess the best you can do is speak your truth with kindness and love. She probably won't change until she decides to -

      That sums it up. Competitiveness is fine for the individual but screws up any co-operative relation.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @LeuanD, thank you for taking the time to read this article and comment on it. It sounds like you are in a no win situation. I guess the best you can do is speak your truth with kindness and love. She probably won't change until she decides to, so you can make the situation bearable for you, whatever that looks like. Wishing you the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      IeuanD 

      16 months ago

      Thank you for that the article. It so accurately described my wife. I'd love to show it to her but I'm certain she would deny she behaves like that and turn it round to put more blame on me.

      She has the knack of twisting my actions and responses, no matter how positive or helpful I think they are, to being against her. It seems to be her way or the wrong way.

      The worse is her absolutely certainty she is right when she clearly isn't. And even then I get blamed for either not asserting myself or not knowing she didn't know.

      Her answer to any suggestion is always no. She has a better idea, even if it turns out disastrously. When I challenge her about it, it becomes my fault for not understanding or listening. She has to be in charge and will take over. She can not behave participatively as that would mean she is not in charge.

      Her games wear me out. But she doesn't see it.

      Thank you for reading.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Billy, Thanks for reading and commenting. Best wishes to you.

      @clemson120: The most important part of a relationship is good communication. It sounds like her attacks are mean, and coming from a place of anger, rather than constructive criticism. What is she so angry about? It sounds like you are unfairly criticized and attacked. Until you get to the root of her resentment, it is unlikely you will be able to do anything right. Remember, you can only control yourself and your own behavior. Best of luck to you,

      warmest regards,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      clemson120 

      16 months ago

      My wife does 1,2,3,4,6,8,9 :/

      Don't really know how to talk to her about it either. She never cares about what I do, just focuses on what I don't do.

      I work full time while she stays at home with our 4 month old. I work, cook dinner, hold our daughter bc she is tired of holding her, clean off the dinner table, change the diapers, and help rock our daughter until she falls asleep. My wife then will complain that the dishes aren't done, the house isn't clean, the grass is cut more than once a week if it's growing fast, etc. And that she couldn't do any of it bc she didn't feel like it or bc our daughter was fussy that day

      Then if she wants to go out for a couple hours while i watch our daughter and comes home and i havent cleaned the house from head to toe then i am lazy and didnt do anything. She constantly tells me that I do nothing to help her around the house and tells her family the same

    • profile image

      Billy 

      16 months ago

      I do like your article ànd my wife need to read this because I read the 10 thing a man dose and both are good.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      17 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Say What,

      Thanks for your interesting and insightful comments. It sounds like you have had some pretty rough experiences with women. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on the article. I wish you the best,

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      18 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Peter, you ask an interesting question. Why don't women choose better partners? I don't think anyone is blaming the entire male population, and I do think it takes two people to make a relationship work. Each person brings their own thoughts, perceptions and baggage into a relationship. The point of this article is to show women how to identify some of their biggest mistakes, and how to hopefully mitigate them so you don't ruin your relationship.

      This begs your original question. You actually asked why we don't teach women to choose more wisely. I'm not sure that's a skill that can be taught. I do think women need to realize that what they choose is what they get. You can't marry someone and then try to change them into someone else. It's like getting a cat at the animal shelter, and then trying to teach it to fetch and sit and beg. It just won't happen. A cat is not a dog. Rather than get mad at the cat for not changing, one should pick a dog. Pick what you want the first time around, and save everyone the trouble.

      @Monica, It sounds like you've come upon a workable solution for you. Enjoy the convertible!

      Thanks to both of you for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Monica 

      18 months ago

      With all this being said, I am happily single with not the slightest desire to marry, converse, fraternize, or anything with anyone. No more marriage for me. I don't even care to date. Guess I'll buy a convertible and drive the rest of my life away!!!!!

    • profile image

      Peter 

      18 months ago

      Here's a question: in general, I believe when it comes to choosing a mate for marriage, the woman is the one who does the choosing. If women have this power then why can't we teach women to chose responsibly and carefully ? It seems easier to blame the male population OF THE ENTIRE PLANET, then to accept their own shortcomings... are women creating their own demise ?

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      19 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Redman, Thanks so much for your poignant comments. It sounds as though you are in a very difficult and painful relationship. Sometimes, we have a responsibility to protect and take care of ourselves, especially when our partner becomes abusive.

      Wishing you all the best,

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      21 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      don9ja 

      21 months ago

      Nice artie

    • profile image

      freddy 

      21 months ago

      my silly ex ticked all these boxes and left with the kids and probably her new boy friend who will definitely leave her.. I stayed for 15 years!!!

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      21 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      charlie0304, Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I appreciate your points. Constantly comparing only causes frustration and unrealistic expectations. And sitting on the couch, totally unengaged, is a great way to destroy any relationship. Hopefully you could share it as a constructive tool to improve your relationship, rather than something that would just irritate your partner. Best wishes for you,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      charlie0304 

      21 months ago

      male point of view here.. well written and I can relate completely. Not saying that men (me) are not guilty of contributing to some of these points, but wow, if you are looking for an awful marriage, these will do it for you. I will add a couple more that probably fit within the points previously stated... don't constantly compare yourself and how much you work (or don't) or have (or don't) or want or vacation.. with your friends, neighbors, etc. Never treat your spouse like just a paycheck. I could go on and on but the article really captures it. Just one more annoyance (however immaterial). Don't camp on the coach - while you have 'the notebook' on for the 20th time, while you are surfing your ipad... and not even offer to let your husband change the channel. I have not decided to share this yet with my keeper... i'll see. thx for reading.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      22 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Hi Karen,

      Not only should you honor your husband and your marriage, but also your own health. If it works for you to wake up three hours after you go to bed, then do that. If that isn't working for you, then together you could explore some different solutions. Perhaps you could have sex before you go to bed, or in the morning before heading to work. When you want to work things out, there is always a way to find a compromise that works for both of you.

      Thanks for reading,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      karen 

      22 months ago

      If my husband come to bed 3 hours after I went to bed, do I need to wake up to have sex with him? I want to honor him and our marriage, but I also want to get the sleep I need due to a medical condition.

    • profile image

      Anon 

      22 months ago

      If only I could show this to my wife without her being royally pissed off and possibly threatening with divorce... To quote "She does not see herself as sinful or wrong. " The wrong part here is to the point that I can even joke with her some about it.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      22 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Mwate, I am so glad you found this article. The truth is that we are each in control of our own lives and our own happiness. Thank you for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Mwate 

      22 months ago

      Great article, i truely agree with # 8..After reading i quickly shared it with my husband because i realised that every little thing makes me upset and makes me unhappy for days. Thanks for helping me realize that i am my own happiness.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      23 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      difficultdonna,

      Thanks for reading and for your question.

      The best suggestion I can offer is to first of all, speak your truth. Tell your husband the truth. He may not like it, but if speak your truth with kindness and love, then you honor Who You Really Are, you honor your husband, and you honor your relationship.

      Is there something he can do differently to make sex more appealing to you? Is there a compromise you can reach? Work together to reach a manageable solution, without anger, blame or resentment.

      Finally, let go of the past. It is over. Today is a new day. There is nothing you can do to change the past. Forgive yourself and move forward.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      difficultdonna 

      23 months ago

      how can someone change when they are still going through some very difficult times with their past and just recently dealt some hard health issues? I am with a man who wants to have sex multiple times a week. i am simply not in the mood....such a difficult situation. he gets so angry i cant take it....He is 56 and I am 52...advice?

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      23 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Darlene Lancer,

      Thank you for weighing in. You are absolutely right. To enter into a successful relationship requires that we have addressed our own issues first. This means coming into things with healthy self esteem.

      Until we are ready to take care of ourselves, we can never expect our needs to be met my someone else.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      23 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Craig,

      I agree completely. People can and do change. Change is the only certainty we have in life. Unfortunately, changing others to fit our own unrealistic expectations rarely, if ever, works.

      You hit the nail on the head. People have to be willing to work together.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Craig 

      23 months ago

      #10: People can and do change, but both parties have to be willing to change together and not expect that change should come from the other spouse!

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      23 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment upon the article. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Ocean is me 

      23 months ago

      Oddly enough... my husband does some of these to me. Lol

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Having been in an abusive marriage for nearly twenty years, I can definitely understand what you are saying.

      An abuser will never accept their role in the demise of a relationship. An abuser will always blame and cast aspersions.

      You have a choice about your life. If you are in an abusive relationship, then you can stay or you can go. It took me 19 years to get the courage to get out. If you choose to stay, realize that there will never be anything you can ever do to make him different.

      The only person you can control is yourself.

      Best of luck to you.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Susan Straney 

      2 years ago

      What if your husband puts you down, says hurtful things, expects sex, and then is angry when your not willing to (oh and your crying)? After reading this article I believe he thinks I withhold sex and "acts" unhappy to retaliate, but I truly am hurting emotionally. I have poured my heart out and have done everything I can think of to get him to try to understand how I feel when he says the things he does. This article in my opinion is just what he needed to again put me down for not measuring up to what he wants and denies what he has done to me. Trying counseling and so far we can't get to the root of the verbal and emotional abuse and he says there is no abuse. In my case, the article undermines feelings that a woman could be having, it's not always as simple as her just being mad about something and then playing games of withholding sex and acting unhappy.

    • profile image

      Pkcool 

      2 years ago

      Really, superb article. It is just a mirror. Only last point I may not agree that the character judgement of a man on the basis, whether he is watching porn or not. It happens many times, his partner dose not show willingness and he has to watch porn to calm down himself.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @TommyC, It sounds like you've had a bad experience and I'm sorry to hear that. Hope things go better for you and your family. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on the article.

      Gentleman, thank you for reading and commenting. Best wishes.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      soundofsilence, Thank you for taking the time to read the article, and to comment. I can empathize with your frustration.

      It is difficult to give and give, and get nothing in return. My best advice to you, in such circumstances, is to be open and honest. If you love him and he loves you, then you owe it to yourself and to your marriage to be honest. Tell him you feel lonely and abandoned. Tell him you need his time and attention. Tell him the truth.

      Perhaps he will hear your truth, and respond.

      I wish you the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      soundofsilence 

      2 years ago

      Ugh....this article is frustrating. Having first read your article "Top 10 Things that Men Do To Destroy Their Marriage," and my husband actively engaged in most of them, the reasons women may do these top 10 things is BECAUSE of what their man is doing! He is emotionally closed off, hardly talks to me about anything more in depth than the weather, works 12 hours a day, then sits on the couch with his phone or laptop, doesn't back me up with the kids, then asks if we can go "mess around" in the bedroom! Oh, okay! (not) Sorry, but I am not really "feelin' it." I feel lonely, disrespected and taken advantage of. That leads to "always feeling unhappy." See?? One behavior results in the other.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Gigi,

      I am so sorry to hear your struggles, and I can honestly say that I know how you feel. I know those feelings of resentment, frustration and loneliness. It is hard to bear, and being pregnant only exacerbates the problem.

      My best suggestion is to talk to your husband about how you really feel, at a time when his mental state isn't altered. Don't try to make him feel guilty, just share your heart. Tell him the truth. You owe it to yourself, to him and to your unborn child.

      Be honest, be open, and tell your truth. Unfortunately, it may not change anything. Remember that you can only control yourself, not him or anyone else. So ask for what you want.

      Start out by asking him to hold you and kiss you. You won't enjoy sex if you are filled with resentment, so address that first. Reconnect on a smaller level.

      I wish you the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Gigi 

      2 years ago

      I read both this one and the husband one, great articles, I'll probably send the links to my husband. I came across it in searching for how to make up for neglecting your spouse. My husband was unemployed for a few years, which effects every aspect of life, including our sex life. It's actually him that is neglecting my sexual needs, which feels very awkwardly backwards for me! Then finally he got two jobs and left me alone too much, picked up drinking and smoking pot, stopped helping me at home, and I had just gotten pregnant. He keeps saying he wants to fix it, get our sex life back, but the years of neglect are hard for me to just get over. I've been taking care of my sexual needs best I can by myself. My libido never dropped like his did, despite stress, isolation, and depression. I want to have sex with him but I need it to be good sex. I'm no longer okay with having mentally unstimulated quickies every time he's finally in the mood. Frankly, my own fantasies are better than what he's giving nowadays. When he does want to get interesting, add a toy or something, I'm too ridden with resentment to get into it, even though I do want it. It's hard to explain and I wish there was a way. I keep thinking if he could just say the right things, warm me up instead of going at it, go slow, and mentally stimulate me, then we'd have a good time, but he doesn't really know what to do, I don't feel like he puts enough thought into it, he just does what he likes to get himself off, and spelling it out for him ruins it on my end, and when he sees my unimpressed facial expressions it ruins it for him. Now I've got this big pregnant belly which makes sex harder, my favorite position is now painful, and honestly last time we had sex I wanted to cry because I wanted it so much, wanted to enjoy it and just couldn't. He's frustrated with me because in his mind he's trying to fix our sex life and sees me as being difficult about it. Yes it's his fault for creating this problem, but I also don't know how to get past it. I feel like, well I'm not a robot so I can't just snap back happily to how things used to be just because he's finally ready to try, he needs to earn that back somehow.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @ Sad Dude, I'm so sorry to hear of your plight. Although you have been committed, it sounds like you wife hasn't honored her own vows to you. That's sad.

      I would never advise anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. You have a choice. You can stay or go. If you are fully committed to staying, then you have a choice over your own perception of the relationship.

      You really only have control over your own thoughts and actions. There is nothing at all you can do to change someone else. You can only change your own thoughts and your own actions.

      I wish you the best on your journey.

      Thanks for reading and good luck,

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @more2lifethanjesus

      I don't think I have ever, in any situation, claimed that Jesus is the answer to people's problems. I do think a three way with Jesus would make an awesome blog, however.

      I think people should take responsibility for their own contribution to their problems.

      There are a lot of paths, none are better. They are just different.

      Thanks for the comment.

      Namaste.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @ man,

      If a woman closes up shop, then of course you have a choice to go elsewhere. However, you don't have control over the consequences of your own indiscretions. Perhaps you could exert some energy in creating an environment where your wife feels turned on by you, and wants to have sex with you.

      Good luck and thanks for the comment.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Michael, I'm not sure I would ever say that if someone is addicted to pornography (or addicted to anything else, for that matter) that they are addicted forever. What I am saying is that no one has control over anyone else, or their behavior. You cannot change an addict. Only the addict can determine if they want to change.

      I am suggesting that if you are married to an addict of any sort, you can only control yourself, and your choices need to be based on that fact.

      Thanks for reading, and for commenting.

      Namaste.

    • profile image

      deborah demander 

      2 years ago

      @sad dude,

      I am so sorry to hear about your plight.

      I'm sure you know that you can only control yourself. You have complete control over your thoughts, your emotions, and your actions.

      I would never advise anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. While you may have committed to death do you part, it sounds as though your wife has not honored her commitment to you.

      You are in control of your outcome. You choose how you want your life to look. If staying with this woman is what you choose, then you can choose internal peace, while she does her own thing. Truly, the only path to happiness is found inside ourselves.

      At some point, if you ever decide that you are worth more than this abusive behavior, perhaps you will choose a different path.

      I wish you the best on your journey.

      Namaste

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