Top 12 Things Women Do to Destroy Their Marriage - PairedLife - Relationships
Updated date:

Top 12 Things Women Do to Destroy Their Marriage

Deborah is a writer, healer, and teacher. Her goal is to help people live their best lives every day by sharing her joy and love of life.

Wives bear as much responsibility as husbands. We have the power to make a home, or break it.

Wives bear as much responsibility as husbands. We have the power to make a home, or break it.

How Women Hurt Their Husbands

While both husband and wife should take responsibility for their part in a marriage, below are twelve mistakes common to women, which can completely destroy a marriage. When women exercise the following behaviors, it can create a hostile environment, where no one feels safe or comfortable. There are also plenty of ways that men can destroy a marriage as well.

It is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. If life is stressful, then work on changing your perception and start making positive changes in your life.

You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek the things that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The only person you can change is yourself.

12 things that women do to destroy their marriage:

  1. Using harsh words
  2. Having unrealistic expectations
  3. Using sarcastic and critical language
  4. Criticizing him in front of your family and friends
  5. Withholding affection and physical intimacy
  6. Disrespecting his opinions
  7. Undermining his authority, but demanding he takes full responsibility
  8. Never being happy
  9. Demoralizing him and crushing his spirit
  10. Picking the wrong man
  11. Focusing on work over the marriage
  12. Cheating

1. Using Words to Hurt, Maim, and Destroy Your Marriage

Women are adept at brandishing the sharpest words in order to shame, demean, and belittle their man. Words are like toothpaste, once they are out, there is no getting them back in. Regardless of how sorry you are afterward, the damage has been done. All the sorries in the world will never take back the sting of your angry words, once you have unleashed them on your hapless husband. Over the years, this type of constant verbal abuse can wear on your husband and make him very unresponsive to you and care less about you.

Rather than use your words as a weapon, use them as a healing balm to comfort, encourage and uplift your husband. And as grandma always used to say, "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all."

2. Having Unrealistic Expectations

Seeking fulfillment from one person, and projecting your unhappiness onto him when he doesn't measure up will quickly destroy your marriage. If you feel unhappy, first examine reality. You will be happier if you shape your expectations to fit the reality of your situation. Expecting your spouse or children to make you happy is unrealistic. Make yourself happy.

Imagine if you could only have one friend for your entire life. Would that work for you? Most women have several friends, who fill several roles. We have a friend with whom we like to go shopping. One friend likes to work out with us. One friend leads a bible study. One friend loves to have coffee on Wednesday mornings.

Each person in your life fulfills a different and important role. None is more important; they are just different. If you expect your husband to complete you and bring you eternal happiness, not only are you setting him up for failure, but you are also setting yourself up for disappointment.

Rather than look to one person to fulfill your every need, try expanding your circle of influence, to include a variety of people, who fill your life with different blessings. And most of all, look to yourself. Find ways to feel complete and happy with who you are as a person. First, seek to find your own happiness, within yourself. Then, rather than look to someone else to complete you, find ways to complement each other's lives.

3. Using Sarcastic and Critical Statements, Gestures, and Facial Expressions

This is a quick and easy way to show your husband that you don't respect him or his opinion. Men can become overwhelmed by the barrage of criticism coming at them. The result is they shut down, withdraw, and seek kindness and approval elsewhere.

Have you ever experienced someone discounting what you have to say, without actually listening to you? When you are critical or sarcastic with your husband, he feels attacked and unvalued. Listen to him, without adding your two cents worth. If you'd like to ask questions, wait until he stops talking. Don't interrupt with a story about how the dog threw-up on the carpet. Let him have a few minutes to be the center of your attention. And if you absolutely must get dinner made, invite him to join you in the kitchen. Tell him that you would like to hear about the rest of his day, and mean it.

Another way to show disrespect is to roll your eyes or make sarcastic facial expressions. These are just as irritating for your husband, as they are for you when your teenaged daughter does it. There is no need to be rude, even if you've been married forever. It is more important to give him your attention, to look at him and to listen than it is to roll your eyes or shake your head in exasperation. You are trying to build a bond, not destroy the man you love.

4. Criticizing, Belittling, and Making Fun of Him to Your Friends and Family

When you criticize and belittle your husband, you not only diminish your husband in your eyes, but you also poison those closest to you. You force them to take sides, and of course, they choose your side, because they want to be loyal to you. Your friends and family don't live at your house. They don't see what goes on day after day. They don't see the good things your husband does. The only view they have of your husband is the one that you present to them. If you are constantly badmouthing and belittling him, then they will view him as a bad partner for you.

After you speak badly about him, they will never look at your husband the same way again. Even when you get over your tirade, and everything is great at home, they will still be mad at him. Your friends and family members want to protect you from danger and harm. If you are constantly referring to your husband in a negative light, then they will want to protect you and your children from this monster you married, even if he isn't really a monster.

When you speak poorly of your spouse, your close friendships and relationships will remain irreparably altered against your husband, in time, this can destroy your marriage. He will never understand why your friends don't like him, and why your mother is mean to him.

Rather than trying to make excuses, don't start down that path. When you speak of your husband, use uplifting, encouraging words. If he is acting like a jerk, you don't need to gush about it to everyone you know. Your constant complaints against him will create a wall between your husband and your friends, which he can never overcome.

5. Withholding Affection and Sex

This can cause a huge rift in your marriage, whether you realize it or not. Men are wired differently than women. Your husband needs physical release through sexual intimacy. It is not just something he is demanding of you; it is something he needs, physiologically speaking.

When you refuse to meet his need for physical release, you are making a much deeper statement; you do not care about or respect his needs. This is not about whether you like or dislike sex. It is much more important than that. Your spouse needs to connect with you on a physical level, whether you are in the mood or not.

As much as you need emotional release and closeness, he is wired to need physical release and closeness. Neither is wrong. You are just different. While you want your emotional needs met, it is important not to lose sight of his needs. Think of it this way; what if he stopped talking to you for three days? How about a week? What if he didn't talk to you for an entire month? Unconscionable, right? Likewise, it is unfair for you to cut him off from what he needs. You are in a relationship with a man you love, and you expect your needs to be met. In the same way, you need to meet his needs, regardless of whether you share the same needs and desires.

Tips to Save Your Marriage

6. Disrespecting His Insight, Opinions, and Advice

Men and women are different on many levels. Men are fixers. By nature, if you present a problem, he will come up with concrete steps to solve the problem. When you are dismissive, it sends the message that you do not value him. When you come to your husband with a problem or a concern, be ready for him to create an action plan to resolve your conflict. It may not be exactly what you would do, but he is offering a solution. The least you can do is listen to his suggestion, and thank him for his input. Before you reject his idea out of hand, take some time to consider what his opinion is. Think about what he said. You don't have to do everything he suggests, but listen and think about it.

If you just want to bitch and complain, call a girlfriend. Girlfriends are great listeners. They will not try to fix you. Women like to talk things out, without being fixed. Sometimes you just need an ear to listen, not a solution. When that is the case, perhaps your husband isn't the person to approach.

If you must whine at your husband, tell him upfront that you don't require a solution, just an ear to hear. He will still offer suggestions, but if you tell him, before you begin your rant, that you don't need an answer, just to vent, then he won't be offended when you don't take his advice. And sometimes, you could surprise him and actually follow his advice. It might just work.

7. Undermining His Authority, but Demanding He Take Full Responsibility

In any organization, there must be a leader, someone in charge. The head over the whole organization, who says, "The buck stops here." Typically, the person who carries the responsibility ought to be the one who has the final say. Families and relationships are much like any other organization. There must be someone in charge, someone who will take full responsibility when things go wrong, and someone that everyone can turn to.

You, of course, are welcome to take that role, if you are willing to be fully responsible when the chips are down. It is easy to be critical of the person in charge, and it is easy to think that you could do a better job. The hard part comes when it is time to take responsibility. Rather than making decisions without regard for your husband's input, and then blaming him when things don't work out, try instead to work together. You can decide together how things should be done, and you can offer him the final say when decisions need to be made.

Don't become so focused on your own feelings and fears (i.e. I'm afraid he'll make a bad decision. I feel like I make better decisions) to override his feelings and fears (i.e. I am responsible to take care of the family. I'm afraid no one in the family respects me.) Be gracious in light of his decision making. You can respectfully disagree with a decision without attacking his ability to lead.

8. Never Being Happy

One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to spend all your time acting miserable and unhappy. The goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. It is to this end that you have an obligation to be happy. If the goal is to be happily married, it is up to you to exercise self-control. Only you can make yourself happy. If you believe that your happiness comes from other people or having things or external circumstances, then you will never be happy.

You are in charge of your happiness. It is a decision. You can choose to be a miserable, unhappy grouch, or you can suck it up, pull your boots on, and show up in your marriage as the person you'd like to be.

There is no need to express every angry, bitter or resentful thought. Everybody gets pissed off, frustrated, and irritated. There isn't anyone to blame. You are choosing to respond to your circumstances with that attitude. You can choose a different path. By owning your own problems, you can take responsibility for your own happiness. Each day, work on bringing your best self into the relationship. Regardless of what happens, you are only one thought away from peace.

Remind yourself every day; I can see peace instead of this. And then, work to see the peace that is available to you.

9. Demoralizing Him and Crushing His Spirit

If asked, most men believe their wives to be more moral and spiritual than themselves. Often, the wife agrees. She does not see herself as sinful or wrong. She feels her greatest "sins" lie in being deeply disappointed by her husband's failures and her children's shortcomings. Beyond this, wives typically admit to bad behavior and attitudes but attribute it to hormones, chemical imbalances, and a dysfunctional childhood.

Woe to the husband who dares suggest his lovely bride could use improvement in some aspect of her life. Labeled a heartless, uncaring, unrighteous lout, he is silenced by an angered, wounded wife, cloaked in self-righteous indignation. She then feels perfectly justified in attacking every flaw, magnifying every misstep, and pointing out every failure, until he feels ashamed for living. You are not your husbands Holy Spirit. Stop trying to correct every little flaw you perceive in his character and set about removing the blinding plank from your own eye.

Of course, everyone makes mistakes. You can build him up or tear him down. The choice belongs entirely to you.

10. Picking the Wrong Man

You repeat the pattern again, and again. You meet a man, you like him, you start dating. Then you begin to notice the tiny flaws, the chinks in his armor. He yells, just like your Dad did. He drinks and becomes abusive. He is mean to your kids. "It's o.k.," you tell yourself, "I'll fix him after we get married."

Stop right there. There is no fixing it!

The man you date will be the same man after you are married. Inherently kind? He'll still be kind. Addicted to pornography? He'll still be addicted. You cannot change the basic nature of other people. You cannot love them into changing. You cannot nag, or pout, or complain them into changing. If the relationship feels unhealthy during dating, getting married will not fix it. He will not magically become more responsible, more reliable, or more loving after you marry him. So if you want a good husband, find a good man, date him, and marry him.

While this list may seem daunting, it is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. If life is stressful, work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek those things that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.

11. Focusing on Work Over the Marriage

It can be easy to fall into the trap of spending too much time at work and not enough time at home. This neglect can have a negative impact on a marriage. While it is hard to find that proper balance between work and home life, focusing on your marriage is still important. Your husband wants to spend time with you, and depriving him of that time so you can focus on your work will cause some friction and resentment.

If you don't give the time of day to your husband and the two of you never see each other due to work commitments, your marriage will be on the rocks very quickly. Many women fall into this trap because they want to focus on bettering their careers. It can be hard to make the time to be with your husband when you are working a full-time job, but if you are serious about maintaining your marriage, you'll have to find a way to make it work.

12. Cheating

I think this goes without saying, but if you cheat on your husband, you will ruin your marriage. There are some lines that cannot be crossed, and that is one of them: infidelity is a big deal-breaker, and your husband will not be able to forgive you for such an act.

How Menopause Can Ruin a Marriage

As a woman enters menopause, it can make her less intimate with her husband. Due to her changing hormones, she can become less affectionate towards her spouse. The menopause transition can be a difficult time, and it's a matter of biology so it cannot be avoided. Both sides have to be understanding of each other and work together to deal with the changes brought on by menopause. This is not an excuse to be terrible to your husband though, you still have to be aware of the things you say to him and your overall relationship. Using menopause as an excuse to treat him poorly is a bad way to go about it.

5 Ways Women Can Save Their Marriage

There are ways that women can help save their marriage. Keep in mind that both sides have to be open to saving the marriage. If one side has done something major (like cheating), it would be very difficult for the marriage to be saved. Here are five things you can do to help save your marriage.

Ways to save a marriage

  1. Marriage counseling
  2. Working to repair the relationship
  3. Rekindling the romance
  4. Fixing the issues that can be fixed
  5. Listening to each other

1. Marriage Counseling

Going to a certified marriage and family therapist and getting counseling is a great way to start the process of working on your marriage. The therapist will help you and your husband work through your issues and develop strategies for working through your issues.

While there are many people out there who do not like the idea of going to counseling, if you and your husband are serious about saving your marriage, going to a therapist is the first step.

2. Working to Repair the Relationship

Both sides have to agree to work on repairing the damage that has been caused. Even if most of the damage was caused by one person, you still have to decide to work together in restoring the marriage. Setting ground rules for communication and identifying areas of the marriage that need the most work are two important things to do first.

3. Rekindling the Romance

If you have both decided to work on fixing your marriage, reestablishing the romantic part of your relationship is a must. Start by going out on dates again and other things that you used to do at the start of the relationship. Take it slowly, just like you did when you first started dating each other. Reigniting that spark of romance in your marriage will help immensely.

4. Fixing the Issues That Can Be Fixed

As a couple, the two of you need to figure out what problems can be fixed. According to marriage expert Dr. John Gottman, about 70% of problems in relationships are, by nature, perpetual and unresolvable (e.g., you want kids but he is infertile). This means figuring out the other 30% that can be fixed and accepting that the other problems will never be fixed.

5. Listening to and Supporting Each Other

This point may seem obvious, but if you want to save your marriage, you have to work on supporting each other and listening to each other. Listen to your husband's needs and try to understand where he is coming from. Create a warm home environment where the two of you can continue to work through your issues and get them resolved. Also, understand that these marital issues will not disappear overnight and it may take some time to resolve them.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Questions & Answers

Question: Whenever my wife serves me, she is rude. Breakfast, lunch, or dinner, she starts with words that mentally disturb me. She never laughs, and she's always tense. We don't have sex anymore. Sometimes I think I should die or commit suicide, but I stop and think of my three-year-old daughter. What should I do?

Answer: Do you ever do anything nice for your wife? Maybe when she is serving you in a manner you do not like, it is because she feels unappreciated, unnoticed, and unloved. Try asking her how she feels. Do something nice for her. When you begin showing her kindness and love, she will return with respect and intimacy. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start being kind to your wife and daughter.

Question: What if the husband continues being insensitive, irresponsible? Has an affair? Why should the wife keep doing this? Should it not happen from both sides?

Answer: Yes, it should happen from both sides. If the husband is having an affair, is insensitive and irresponsible, then the wife needs to look after her own well being. I'd start with counseling and move forward from there.

Question: I have one question, I was working last year but now I don't and I am realizing that my girlfriend's behavior towards me is becoming worse. She is unhappy anymore she doesn't respect me anymore, do you think she was happy because of money?

Answer: It is difficult on a relationship when one of the partners doesn't work. She may not be unhappy because of money only. What do you do all day, if you aren't working? If you are supportive and helpful, in spite of the fact that you aren't working, then she might still be okay. Do you keep the house and yard clean? Do you do nice things for her? Do you make dinner when she gets home from work? Women don't necessarily need financial support, but also emotional support. If she is the only one working, maybe she needs you to step up and do more for the relationship. It might not have anything to do with money.

Question: The article talks about a man's physical need for sex. Well, this is true for a lot of women, including myself. What are women, who have a real the real need for physical intimacy, and our husband is the one withholding any sexual favors? We have two kids in college, have been married for 24 years, and together for 27 years. My husband is a recently recovering alcoholic, after 35 plus years of heavy drinking.

Answer: I can feel your pain. I was married to an alcoholic who withheld all forms of physical affection to punish me. It was unbearable.

You are right; this is a problem for some women. The article is more about what "most" women do. Not all women have a high libido, and more men than women typically struggle with not feeling that their needs are being met.

It is painful when your partner withholds physical affection, whether you are a man or a woman. I don't have an answer. I took all I could, and then I left. I could not live in a marriage that was cold and distant.

Each relationship is different, and only you can determine what you can endure.

Question: My husband dun celebrates his birthday with me. Is he ignoring me? He doesnt want the marriage anymore

Answer: If he doesn't want the marriage anymore, then he probably is ignoring you. What do you want? You can only change yourself. Get clear on what you want in your life, then do the things that reflect that. Speak openly and honestly with your husband about your relationship, and decide how you both want to move forward.

Question: I have been put on hormone medications for a tumor in my uterus; the meds made me so emotionally unstable and angry. So I stopped them, but my husband wants to divorce me because of it even though my hysterectomy is scheduled and I will never be on those meds again! What happened to for sickness and in health?

Answer: What a frustrating and confusing situation you are facing. I'd suggest your first and most important order of business is your own health. Whether he stays or goes, you need to take care of your own health. No one else will take care of you better than you take care of yourself.

If he says he's leaving because of the meds, he's probably covering for something else. Or he is cold, callous and uncaring. Either way, you're probably better off without him.

Question: Both partners should have their needs met in a marriage. If you feel the need to please your husband because he requires release and you're not in the mood, why would you do it? What message are you sending here?

Answer: Yes, both partners should have their needs met. The message I am sending is to think of the other person in the marriage. We tend to get self-centered and think only about our own needs. The point of the article, as well as the article about the ten things men do to mess up their relationships, is to have people look at their own behavior and see what they are doing to cause problems in a relationship.

Everyone is responsible for what they bring into a relationship. If you are withholding sex to make a point, it is not fair to your partner, and unlikely to get your point across.

The message I am sending here is that your relationship should be more important to you than your petty grievances.

Question: If I’d known that marriage meant taking on indentured sexual servitude and not caring about whether or not I liked sex, felt loved during sex or wanted to have sex with my husband, would I have stayed single?

Answer: You are most certainly not an indentured sexual servant. Sharing physical intimacy with your partner is about growing closer. If you don't like sex and don't want to have sex with your husband, then don't.

Question: When my wife brings up former and better lovers right after a poor performance and the feelings of emasculation become all too real, should I just forget about sex and do those others things that make her happy?

Answer: Wow. That is really cruel. Why is your wife so mean to you? Is she an angry person? It is unfair and unkind to compare, especially after being intimate.

Rather than try to make her happy, perhaps you should have an open and honest conversation with her, when you are both calm. Tell her how you feel. Let her know that it hurts your feelings when she brings up other lovers. It is completely inappropriate to bring past relationships into your current relationship.

I am sorry you have to go through this.

I wish you all the best.

Question: Why do you think only women destroy their marriage? I've been married for the last seven years, but I've never felt love, affection, or respect from my husband. He never wants to take any responsibility for our son; he doesn't want me to have contact with my family and friends. He's never there for me whenever I need him. I do everything for him. He told me he thinks that I am his maid, not a housewife. Should I continue with this kind of relationship?

Answer: First of all, I do not think that only women destroy a marriage. I have another article about what men do to destroy their relationships as well. It sounds like you are in a terrible, unkind, and unloving marriage. I think you should examine why you are there. What do you get from the relationship? I'd suggest seeking professional counseling to help you determine the best route to take for your own well being.

Question: Thank you for taking time to write this important article. It describes my wife! Enough said! 6 years and all I can do is to be strong! But what else is left to be done apart from taking different paths and the damage it shall cause to our only child?

Answer: The only thing you can do is be a good parent to your child, and be a good person to yourself. Have you tried sharing your concerns with your wife? Have you asked her what she needs in order to be happy? The only person you can change is yourself. You can stay in a difficult and unhappy marriage (I did, for nearly 20 years). The key is to be happy in spite of your circumstances. Be joyful, loving and kind even in the face of her behavior. I wish you all the best.

Question: How do you make yourself happy when your spouse never tries to meet your emotional needs?

Answer: It is important to create your happiness, in spite of your relationship, and I know how difficult that can be. Find other friendships and things to occupy your time, and other people to support you emotionally.

Question: I am 24, but my parents are forcing me to get married. I'm not ready to get married right now. My parents are trying hard to find a suitable groom for me, but I want to be single. What can I do?

Answer: If you want a life for yourself, then create one. I am not always familiar with social and cultural norms, but it might be easier to be independent if you move away from your parents.

If you truly want your independence, then be independent. No one should get married against their will. It will not be a healthy relationship.

Question: My wife has become rude and talks without limit. What might be causing this?

Answer: Maybe your wife is feeling hurt and ignored. Have you asked her what's wrong? Maybe she's upset about something. Try asking her.

Question:

I've been married for five years, and my wife and I have been in a relationship for ten. She has told me she wants a divorce. I believe the problems come from our inability to communicate what our wants and desires are. It's been six months since this happend, and she still refuses to talk about us. One month ago, she began dating another man with no type of legle proceedings in place to end or separate. Do I continue to wait, or should I take charge?

Answer: You can wait your life away if you want. Or, you can take charge of the situation. You have no control over what your wife does. She is responsible for her actions and behavior. It sounds like she is trying to push you into action. Rather than react out of an emotional response, try to step back and think about what you want your life to look like. If you want her in your life, see if those lines of communication can be opened. Without that, it is difficult to have any kind of relationship. It is essential that you respond to circumstances mindfully and remain aware of what your ultimate goal is. I wish you all the best.

Question: I am 8 months married, sometimes I used to get so angry and recently 3 days before I fought with him just for not giving me time but I feel I was forcing him my mistake I accepted but he is not happy he says he got bored of me and irritated because of me and stopped talking to me; I am out of my country I feel so lonely... I am all alone, now I have decided to leave this silence and go to my country what shall I do help me?

Answer: You can only control yourself. To be a good partner, you must first take care of yourself. Don't give all your power to him. Instead, see if you can communicate openly and honestly. Ask him how he feels. Tell him how you feel. If you want your marriage to work, running away won't help. I wish you the best.

Question: What is the writer of this article's counseling background and education?

Answer: I am a certified life coach. Most of what I write comes from personal experience and is my personal opinion only. I do not suggest that I am a counselor or a therapist, nor do I think that I am "correct". This is what I think. People are always welcome to disagree with what I think. I don't expect everyone to think I am "correct." I am offering suggestions that could make your relationship better. If you don't think it would help your situation, then, by all means, seek other input.

Question: Are people marrying for love or just for temporary conveniences? Peace and contentment are found in serving and not getting all of the time.

Answer: I absolutely agree that we are fulfilled through service. Not everyone lives that way, unfortunately. Many people marry for selfish reasons that have nothing to do with love.

Question: My husband never spends time with me, badmouths me to his mom and friends, and never stands up for me. I'm staying with him for the kids, but I feel lonely and depressed. Do you have any advice?

Answer: First, I'd suggest speaking up for yourself, to him and his mom. Let them know how destructive they are, not only to you but the relationship in general. Second, I'd suggest finding things outside the house and away from them to do with your kids, like field trips, outings to the library or local recreation center. Start building a support network among people who have similar interests to you. Churches and volunteer groups are great places to meet people, and you won't feel so isolated.

Question: I had an affair. My husband tried to work things out with me. It has been six years, but now he's bringing it up again. What can I do to soften his heart?

Answer: I imagine your husband is hurting and feels emasculated. If he is willing to work things out, and you want to work things out, then the best thing you can do is be a good wife. Don't cheat on him again. Demonstrate your love, your devotion and your regret over your mistake. You don't have to beat a dead horse, but it is important for you to tell him that what you chose to do was about you, not him. And you need to help him feel secure. Be honest. Be open. Communicate. Do what you say you will do. It only takes a moment to destroy trust, but it takes a very long time to rebuild. Be patient, kind and forgiving. Forgive yourself, and forgive whatever you perceive to be his shortcomings. Come from a place of restoration and love.

Question: Wow, thank you for writing this column. I can honestly say that I have seen all of these tactics put to use, sometimes more than two in one day. Except for #10, my wife has shown me the effectiveness of her verbal proficiency; most consistently on #5, which may demand an article of it's own! ;) WHY?

Answer: Thank you for your question. I'm not sure what, exactly, you are asking "why" about. If you mean specifically number 5, the answer is kind of simple. She doesn't feel connected to you. For whatever reason, your wife feels disconnected emotionally, and for most women, when they feel disconnected, then they cut off sex to get your attention. It's a catch-22 because both parties are hurting and feel neglected. The best marital advice I learned said that the more mature person acts first. So, if you want to be the more mature person in this situation, you forgive her first. You move first to rebuild the relationship. You move things forward. Women want to feel loved, appreciated and acknowledged. Reconnect with her to rebuild your physical intimacy. Talk and listen. Gently hug and kiss her, without a demand for more. Unfortunately, someone has to act first. Best of luck to you.

Namaste

Question: I am in a relationship with this woman. We are not married yet. She says harsh things, and talks out of respect at times. Our sex life is very poor as well. I tried to correct her about these things, but there are no changes at all. She has been asking me about marriage. Something keeps telling me that I will be making a big mistake if I get married to her. What should I do?

Answer: The best thing you can do is listen to your gut. It is easier to walk away from a bad relationship than it is to destroy a marriage, especially after you've had children.

Stand up for yourself, and tell her she is not the one. You cannot change her. You cannot control her. You can only control yourself. Don't start out getting married to the wrong person. There is nothing wrong with realizing that she is not the one.

Stop now, before you get in deeper.

Question: My wife swears and calls me all sorts of names; the very worst name callings on the planet. She will never apologize for her bad mouth. Sometimes she calls me "useless," "pathetic," "no brains" and other times she will do to hurt me intentionally. I work hard and bought her new car for $9000, I pay $700 fortnightly for rent, contribute toward the groceries. I feel like I have been disrespected, ridiculed and other times, I feel like I'm not worth it. What shall I do?

Answer: I"m sorry you are living in an abusive relationship. My suggestion would be for you to seek professional counseling, to help rebuild what little bit of self-esteem and self-respect you have. You will never be able to change your wife or make her happy. Only she can do that. The only thing you can do is take care of your own mental health.

Having lived in an abusive marriage for twenty years, I can tell you that it will never get better. It will never stop. Only you can decide your best course of action. You will be healthier and happier when you don't have someone calling you mean names and belittling you constantly.

Question: How do I build my husband’s confidence after I have belittled and tear him down?

Answer: It will take time and patience for you to rebuild what has been destroyed. Try telling him, sincerely, what you like about him. Leave him notes, in his car or in his lunch, or wherever he might find them, telling him how much you appreciate all he does for you. Be specific about what you appreciate. Tell him to his face, looking into his eyes, that you respect him. Thank him for protecting and providing for your family. Speak his language, respect. I'd strongly recommend you watch the Love and Respect videos on YouTube or read the book by Emmerson and Sarah Eggrichs. They clearly explain the difference between what women want (to be loved) and what men want (to be respected) and how to give your partner what he really needs.

I wish you all the best.

Question: How can you put sense into a relationship that both sides should be able to compromise on some issues at least some of the time?

Answer: You are absolutely correct. If a relationship is to work, then both partners must be willing to give a little. You can't be completely rigid. Perhaps begin looking for small, easy things that you and your partner can practice compromising and working on together. Do something easy, before you tackle the big issues.

Question: How can I save my marriage? I have been married for 18 years and she’s been having online affairs. She says it’s my fault since I have erection issues after my colon surgery 6 years ago.

Answer: First of all, someone else having an affair is never your fault. People are entirely to blame for their own behavior. She is responsible for what she does. Completely. You are only in control of you. You are not in control of her or her behavior.

You can do your part to be a good husband, but saving your marriage requires commitment from both of you. You can't do it alone. Erection issues aside, because intimacy is not only about sex. Intimacy involves being closely connected and sharing your lives on a number of levels.

I'd suggest professional counseling for both of you. If she isn't willing to go, at least a professional could help you with your own issues.

Question: My partner does all those things. I am crushed. She has AS (problem with closeness), Anorexia (hears most things as accusations). Mostly I get accused of things, yelled at and reprimanded. What do I do?

Answer: It sounds like you both want to feel loved and appreciated, but you don't feel heard. Communication is essential in relationships. Start at the beginning. You love her. She loves you. Once you establish that common ground, then you can move forward. What do the two of you want to achieve together? Sit, without judgment, and just talk about what you really want to see in your marriage. Open and honest communication is the beginning. Remember, you can't control her, and she can't control you. You can only control yourself. A partnership is not about managing the other person. It is about working together to create something greater than the two of you. I wish you the best.

Question: My wife is too much trouble. I am tired of the marriage. What should I do?

Answer: It sounds as though you are very unhappy. I'd first suggest talking with your wife about your concerns, to see if you can heal your relationship. Then, moving forward, only you can determine your own best course of action. I wish you all the best.

Question: I take a while in the bathroom because sometimes I am constipated. She said to me, ”Oh my God when you get in that bathroom you are worse than a little woman.” I was highly offended and felt totally disrespected. Was I wrong to feel this way about my wife's comment?

Answer: I'm not sure if that is being totally disrespected. It sounds like she was teasing you. If she brings it up continually, even when it is an irrelevant topic, then I'd consider that disrespectful. People these days take offense to every little thing. Maybe she was just joking around. I'm sorry she hurt your feelings, and perhaps you can tell her that it hurts your feelings when she makes fun of you. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to be heard. Don't shout. Just simply say, "It hurts my feelings when you make fun of me." Leave it at that. Most people don't want to hurt the people they love.

Question: My husband is addicted to porn. I am not able to accept the fact, and because of this we hardly talk to each of other. I am depressed, and unsure whom to discuss this issue with. What should I do?

Answer: There is nothing you can do to stop or change a pornography addiction. If your husband decides it has become a problem, then he will deal with it. Until then, you cannot change him. You can only change yourself. If you are depressed, and out of touch with each other, it is important to find yourself again. Perhaps it would be helpful to seek counseling. Then you can get a clear idea of what you want in your relationship, and what you want in life. Your happiness and contentment can only come from inside. A professional counselor can help you get past whatever feelings his addiction brings up for you. I wish you all the best.

Question: My husband believes that he isn't good in bed and someone in my past was "it".. this is my fault from my secrets and exaggerations. Now our sex life is next to nothing. We are only 46 and I love this man more than anything. I've taken a lie detector test to prove to him but that didn't work. How do I fix this?

Answer: Well, the first thing you can do is help him feel better about himself as a lover. Be passionate about him. Teach him what you like. Tell him how much he pleases you. Exaggerate a little, if you need to. It would also probably be helpful if you initiate sexual activity with him. Tell him how much you want him, that you think about him, and that you can't keep your hands off him. Besides saying it, do it. Get aggressive in the bedroom and out. Be playful. Grab his butt. Give him a kiss unexpectedly. Pretend you have the love life that you fantasize about, and you make it happen. The responsibility and the pleasure will be all yours if you start making him feel like an attractive man and a great lover.

Question: What if your man is the one beating and embracing you in public?

Answer: If anyone ever beats you, publicly or privately, then I would get out immediately. No one should ever hit you, for any reason whatsoever. And I would never tolerate being embarrassed or harassed, not publicly or privately. There is no excuse for abusive behavior. I would leave that situation immediately.

Question: What appears to get spices for the recipe?: “Your spouse needs to connect with you on a physical level, whether you are in the mood or not.” What if the need for intimacy is the only way a man gets to remember he’s got to treat his wife well. “For example, think of your wife as a crockpot.” She might feel that’s the only thing her husband sees good in her as a result isn’t it a form of dissatisfaction?

Answer: Your question is interesting and multi-faceted. A man ought to know, without being threatened, cajoled or otherwise manipulated, that he should treat his wife well. It's common sense, and just a good idea in general. Just like a wife should inherently know that she should treat her husband well. Sometimes women withhold sex as a form of punishment. It punishes and poisons the entire marriage, not just the husband. I think sometimes wives need to look beyond their manipulative behavior and do that thing that would be best for the marriage. It's called sacrifice. In a healthy relationship, both parties will sometimes sacrifice their own will for the good of the marriage.

Question: My partner doesn't believe anything I say anymore, and uses my struggles against me, such as my problem with short-term memory. Am I crazy for wanting this to work out and get back to the enjoyable marriage we once had together?

Answer: Only you can decide what you will tolerate. Have you tried speaking to her about your struggles? Have you told her that you want things to work out between you? Have you explained how you feel and that you aren't enjoying the way she treats you? First, you need to make her aware of the problem. Then present some possible solutions. If you love her, you aren't crazy. But don't forget that you can't make anyone change. She's gotten used to this pattern of behavior. It will take work from both of you to bring this ship around.

Question: Most of these things describes my wife perfectly to the tee. Except she packed up her things and our baby’s things and ran out of state. Now what?

Answer: Now what? Well, it seems like she's given a pretty clear indication that she doesn't want to be together. I guess you need to decide if you want to look for her and convince her to come back, or if you are ready to move forward with your life.

Question: In your other article you wrote: "Her ability to verbally hurt you is her strongest weapon, and she uses it out of fear in an effort to try to get your attention." and here you wrote: “ Over the years, this type of constant verbal abuse can wear on your husband and make him very unresponsive to you and care less about you.” what to you suggest women should do instead?

Answer: My suggestion would be to speak in a kind manner, not just to your husband, but in life in general. In the first referenced article, I am explaining to men why women might behave the way they do. In the second article, I am explaining to women why this type of communication is ineffective, damaging and usually useless.

In my experience, not only in marriage, but also with my children, my clients, and with people in general, speaking kindly, listening, and not shouting are much more effective than nagging, yelling and saying mean hurtful things.

Question: Is it a problem when your wife does not prepare food? Rarely does she serve dinner for her husband, but when her mother or father visits or her sister husband comes in, she prepares for them, and use a proper trail for them.

Answer: Maybe you could ask her if she would make dinner. If it is a problem for you that she doesn't make dinner, then the answer is yes, it is a problem. Tell her how much it would mean to you and how much you would appreciate it if she would give you the same kind of attention she gives her family. Tell her how it would make you feel if she would give you that same kind of treatment. Tell her how it makes you feel when she doesn't take care of you. Be honest.

Question: How do I convince my wife to go see Gynecologist? She had cancer which caused over the cliff menopause at earlier age 48 and drastic change in mood.

Answer: You can't control anyone but yourself. Maybe your wife is afraid to go and find out that there is more wrong with her. Maybe she's afraid that you won't stay with her if she gets sick again. Be open and honest with her. Let her know that you are concerned about her health and that you want to help her through whatever might come up. Share your heart, and find out what her fears are. Reassure her that you are her rock.

In the end, only she can make herself go to the doctor. But perhaps you can offer to go with her, to help her face whatever might come up.

Question: If I discover that my husband is addicted to pornography, what should I do?

Answer: There is nothing you can do. You need to decide, for yourself, whether this is something you can live with.

Pornography is just like any other addiction. It is not about you. It is about your husband and his choices.

The only thing you can do is decide whether this is something you can deal with, or if it is a deal-breaker. You can throw it all away. He'll buy more. You can put blocks on the internet, or even cancel the internet in your home. He'll go to the library. He'll masturbate whether you've just had sex, or whether you've cut him off for a month. You cannot control his behavior. You can only control yourself.

Question: My man shows me love with flowers and helping me clean. But he's not affectionate. I get he's not as affectionate as me but our sex life is not great. He does not consider me or pay attention to me. Rejects me regularly. I try things like lingerie or massages, but if he wants to have sex it's quick and has no intimacy, I feel disconnected from him. There's no intimacy at all. It's making me not want to sleep with him anymore as I feel rejected and unwanted if we do. How can I establish intimacy in my relationship?

Answer: It sounds like your husband is trying. That is a good sign. Have you tried cuddling while you watch TV? Maybe going for a walk after dinner and holding hands? Intimacy takes time, throughout the day. Spending time together, gently touching. And you may need to ask for what you need. I sometimes must remind my husband that I need a hug, or I ask him to hold me when I feel lonely. Sometimes they just don't know what we need. Try asking him to kiss you slowly. Make it last and make it sexy. Ask for what you need and see how he responds. I wouldn't give up, he sounds like he's trying.

© 2010 Deborah Demander Reno

Comments

Harrison K Boadi on July 15, 2020:

I am touch by the message in Jesus Christ named.

Henry on June 11, 2020:

Been with my Wife for 2 years now and she has always been in contact with her Ex... We’ve fought over this several times yet she won’t stop.. she instead changes his name on her contact to a female and I found out... Then she changed it again to another name like an uncle.. found out too but I haven’t confronted her yet... I sometimes want to end this but I don’t know how...

marie on July 10, 2019:

my husband cheated on me.i spoken all the anger and bad words i felt inside.until i guessed he fed up with my words of anger and told me that he doesnt want to live with me anymore.i expected him to understand why i feel so angry because to be cheated is not that easy to accept.i want to save this family but my husband keeps telling me that he doesnt want it anymore.

pls tell me waht to do to win him back.

Penny on June 22, 2019:

Hello, my husband and I have been married for 6months now. Before marriage he's been with another woman whom they dated for 16 years without marriage and had a series of abortion. We met shortly fell in love and got married right away. The former lover departed with a number of financial unresolved issues pending that will inturn harm our marriage if not resolved quick. My husband chose to marry the ex and later file divorce papers with grounds that the divorce papers will help us get relief from the financial debts caused by the ex. Since we've been married it hasn't passed a day without him saying a word about the ex, sometimes even comparing me with her at times even on how I sex with him isn't as better as how his ex used to do it with him. I've been trying to let go negative emotions about all this matter,till when he brought about the marrying ex issue to resolve our financial problems. I openly told him I'm not supporting that as there are many ways to resolve that through the law, as seems the ex created the problem on purpose through theft e.t.c and doesn't want to solve it and let go off my husband. She demanded marriage and my husband fell for it. Right now my husband thinks I'm selfish, self centered,I don't care of the future type of person just because I did not agree with his modality of solving this and that me choosing an approach to this matter through legal ways won't help anything. We are actually boiling hot and I'm just stuck not knowing what else to do. Honestly I'm so disappointed. The fact that I still see him centered under his ex world and now that performing marriage that he calls fake and later divorcing her so she would sign out the paperworks to relieve my husband from this financial tragedy while our marriage is still in place makes me think it's just not right and that maybe he feels indebt for wasting her 16 years in love with him and now she's left with nothing. I feel there are other ways of solving this but my husband is seriously stuck with only this option and doesn't see anything else possible out of it. Please advice me, and if there's anything I'd need to change please show me how. Thank you.

Anonymous on June 18, 2019:

All I can say is that those women who so vehemently object and say that "What a bunch of garbage, why is the focus solely on what the wife may be doing wrong? Perhaps she's adapted to these behaviors because the husband is a lazy,clueless, self -can centered ass??"...sounds like struck a cord? If a woman truly felt this way about the man she was with then why be in a relationship at all to begin with? Sounds to me like a bunch of excuse making not wanting to take responsibility for their own actions. But a minimum if this is how one truly felt then maybe just maybe this would have been the time long before it reached this point to sit down and want to work through things each item at a time. Thats what folks who love and care about each other owe each other to do. The reality is when a breakdown occurs in a relationship/marriage unless both individuals can be honest with themselves by looking at their own self in the mirror to determine what am I doing wrong here and because I love and care about my significant other want to do whatever it takes to make things work. Otherwise the only other possibility of what will happen is one or both parties will make it about themselves, what they arent getting and how they arent being satisfied which ultimately leads to disaster. Trust me I know I was there and felt almost everything in terms of action and deed done by my ex. that you outlined in this article. I also know that Im not naive and I had my own faults as well. But I tried to make it work, I tried everything I could. I wanted to make it work. In the end though when you put up so many walls(when there was no reason to do so) and dont want to invest and build relationship then thats is what you are going to get back. I was heartbroken and devastated because the woman who I loved with all my heart and soul walked away.

Hamasamu N on April 18, 2019:

How could I change the mind of my wife to normal circumstances of understanding every situation I do encounter in life

Chuck on March 18, 2019:

Who determines whether an expectation is reasonable or not?

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on March 16, 2019:

Thank you for reading the article and for commenting.

Namaste

Oznob on March 16, 2019:

Thank you for the advise. Blessings

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on February 16, 2019:

@Lynn,

It is impossible to say what the outcome of that marriage will be.

From the basics of the story you share, it seems like they will have a tough go of it. And that is true of most second (and subsequent) marriages.

The timing is irrelevant, in my opinion. I'm sure feelings are hurt, and people are angry/sad, but people do move on.

Whether or not this woman and her new husband make it, is entirely up to them and their commitment to each other.

I wish you all the best.

Namaste

Lynn on February 15, 2019:

A woman starts dating a man (second marriage for both) two months before her divorce is finalized. He is newly divorced, they start dating in Nov. '17, her divorce is finalized in Jan. '18, she publicly states (in March '18) that the two of them are going to take their time & not rush into marriage. Later on, in Dec. '18, the two of them marry in a secret ceremony where the 70 or so attendees thought they were going to a house warming party and discovered that they were actually attending a wedding. They dated 13 months before getting married. What is the most likely outcome of this true story? There are elements of this story that I see that remind me of certain issues I've dealt with in the past and am still unclear on. It's amazing to me that this particular woman moved on so quickly, before her divorce was even finalized. She just left her ex in the dust (even though her/her ex still work together, profesionally). Her ex has chosen to remain single for now in order to put their kids first along with focusing on his work. This true, recent story troubles me because of the ease w/which she blew off her first marriage (before the divorce was finalized) and her ex. Again, what is the most likely outcome of this situation? Thanks so much.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on January 20, 2019:

Unfortunately, children are usually the victims of unhappy relationships.

Wish you all the best.

anonymous on January 18, 2019:

13 -13. [parental alienation of him to their children.] Using the Medea complex to destroy her kids in revenging their father.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on December 31, 2018:

@evolve234, I don't believe I ever stated, nor do I believe that women should be a hole in the wall. What a terrible way to view your relationship with a partner. Men and women need different things from relationships. Sometimes men want sex, even when we aren't really in the mood. So what? Is that really a big deal? Sometimes women want to talk, when men aren't really in the mood to listen. So should they just ignore their wives?

Part of being in a relationship involves sacrifice. We sacrifice our wants and needs in order to help our partner find fulfillment. If that means we eat a different meal than we prefer, or we watch a different television show than we want, or we have sex when we don't really feel like it, or we have a long drawn out conversation when we aren't in the mood, then SO WHAT? You give a little, your partner gives a little, and in the end, it all balances out. If you are in a relationship with another human being, then you are not completely autonomous. You are a part of something bigger than yourself.

And yes, I have five daughters, and I would tell the ones who are married the exact same thing.

I wish you all the best.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on November 07, 2018:

@The Truth Again,

I wish you all the best!

Namaste

The Truth Again on November 06, 2018:

To Deborah, Thank you very much for your support.

Laura holy-field on October 05, 2018:

sweetness of marriage is having your spouse be the same man you married ,while courtship and after marriage.we have been married for 7{seven} years now.i have never for once doubted him for any reason but recently i was surprised when he started having his phones locked and other gadgets.i decided not ask him and allow him be,but it got more interesting when he comes back home very late than usual.i decided to speak with him in order to know what has been wrong with him or where i have gone wrong.several persuasion prove abortive,this had me down at work and home.From that point i knew something was wrong,all attempt to know who he was seeing outside wasn't successful,this got me sick and i decided to go for a divorce but my attorney needed some sought of evidence which got me directed to my old hacker friend[freedom _hacking at hot-mail . com ] who assisted me a year ago when i hired him for [my spouse] to clear his name off a fraudulent accusation on a credit card at his work which he knows nothing about.I know he was knowledgeable and a smart guy when it comes to getting justice for clients,i just concluded my divorce and if you must know ,he has been sleeping with his boss wife at work and we just sent a video of them to the board and he has been issued a sent off letter with immediate effect.what an ingrate.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on September 26, 2018:

@Wendy Carper,

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my article. It takes a lot to look inside and see our own contributions to the difficulties in our relationships. Introspection and self-evaluation are valuable and rare tools to use for growth.

I am so glad you found these articles useful. I'm hoping your friends will be equally self-actualized and enlightened.

I wish you all the best on your journey.

Namaste

Wendy Carper from Grove on September 25, 2018:

During the past few weeks, two of my dearest friends were experiencing the grief of emotional abandonment. Having experienced this so many times in my marriage AND with the realization of how I contributed to my OWN abandonment issues, I was certain that my advice would help them through this. BUT when they began making the same mistakes that I did, I found myself more upset than they were. I realized that what they needed more than a comforting ear was a different perspective and I had not been able to bring myself to point that out yet, nor were they ready to hear it. I searched the internet for articles from the man's perspective. When I found your article, a feeling of peace came over me as I read. The knowledge came from a woman who had experienced pain, realized her mistakes, and was accountable for her part in the tango only two can dance. I even read the comments, which lead me to your 2nd article, which is just as illuminating as this one. I have made copies and sent both articles to my friends so they can share them with their partners so maybe they can better understand one another. Thank you so much for being you, Deborah, keep playing it forward through writing!!!

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on September 17, 2018:

@The Truth Again,

It sounds like you have had a terrible experience, and for that I am truly sorry.

I hope you don't let your ex-wife ruin your perception of all women. We aren't all bad. I don't cheat on my husband, and I wouldn't. It's sad that you've had to endure such things, and I wish you all the best moving forward.

Don't give up hope. There are still good women out there, just as there are still good men out there.

Namaste

The Truth Again on September 15, 2018:

Well i know that i made my comment about six weeks ago which i will further explain. The great deal of women today do cheat more unfortunately since they really enjoy sleeping around with different men all the time for the thrill of it. And most women today which is real fact by the way do file for divorce more than men do which in my case, i was the one that filed since she was always cheating on me. And then she had the nerve to say to me, lets have an open marriage. Well that is when i had to file for divorce immediately which i was very lucky to find a very good lawyer, and i was divorced in just three weeks since she agreed to sign the divorce papers right away. It is very sad that she turned out to be a very pathetic low life real loser altogether, especially when she was caught. I was the very faithful one in my marriage since i was very happy at that time thinking that i was going to spend the rest of my life with her which wasn't the case unfortunately. Many women nowadays just can't commit to only one man anymore like they did in the past since most men and women in those days were very committed to the very end. It is very sad that many of us very faithful men have been destroyed by this already unfortunately. And today many women that have their careers now are very independent which i will even admit that they really don't need a man to survive anymore like they did in the old days. This is a very excellent reason why marriages are failing like crazy today since many women over the years are very greedy, selfish, spoiled, and very money hungry more than ever since they just want the very best of all and will never ever settle for less. And God forbid for many of us men trying to start a conversation with a woman that we would really like to meet now has become very extremely dangerous for us since most of the time they will be so damn nasty to us and walk away as well. Now you have these very pathetic loser women with their careers that i just mentioned already which most of these women that i have noticed have such a very bad attitude problem and really no respect for many of us men at all. And their manners are so very horrible as well. This is why so many of us very good innocent men are going MGTOW today which will certainly save many of us men a lot of pain and misery altogether. Like they say, it really does take two to tango today which it really takes only one to mess it up. Peace.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on September 12, 2018:

Thank you LeeWerber,

Wishing you all the best!

Namaste

LeeWerber on September 10, 2018:

@Deborah Demander

You answer really helped. Thanks a lot!

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on September 10, 2018:

@LeeWerber,

Only you can determine if your marriage and sex life are in jeopardy. If you are using something that enhances your love life, then that seems like a good thing.

Namaste

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on September 10, 2018:

@judyin40s, It sounds like you both need to decide why you are married and if you even like each other. If the answer is yes, then start acting like you like your husband. I think professional counseling might help with your depression.

Staying together because you are too poor to get divorced is a ridiculous excuse. If you aren't working and you aren't happy, then maybe you could ask yourself what you want. What do you want from life? What is the purpose of your life? To sit around and be miserable? What is it that you'd really love to do? Figure out what makes your heart sing, apart from your husband, and start doing that. If you aren't happy about who you are, chances are, you won't be happy in any relationship.

Wish you all the best.

Namaste

LeeWerber on September 07, 2018:

We sometimes use sex drugs https://viabestbuys.com/ed-medicines-treatments/ when my husband don't want but I want. I have a question. Does such strategy harm to our marriage and sex life?

judyin40s on September 05, 2018:

Do you have any advise for zombie marriage? Shall I divorce or stay?

I think my situation is we are too poor to divorce.

It happened many years ago. His sex drive is very very low. e.g we had less than 5 times sex a year for many years. We went to counselor and no help. I bought pills he doesn't want to take at all. now I have no desire on sex with him anymore. There is no third party. I found him flirt with another women and he stopped after I talked with him - but he doesn't know that crushes all my trust to him and I had/have depression . He has no obvious bad habits. Me either. We both wear smiles in public and cheers for kids activities and we both care about our kids. The only reason we not divorced yet is #1 kids, #2 finance. I am not working anymore since 2 years ago and don't want to go back to work. He has finance stress now and he keeps pressuring me to get a job. also for the same reasons he doesn't agree to divorce. He tried to persuade me to borrow money from my uncles to pay off the mortgages which I refused. He loves to control all the money. Sometimes I have to think what will happen if I work again. Everything will be back to old days. He will be released from financial stress and he will start his office-home life and ignore me as usual. I don't feel any happiness in this marriage, only responsibilities. get a job then divorce or not?

Steve on August 31, 2018:

Amen!

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on August 13, 2018:

@Alex,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It must be very difficult. Perhaps you could gently suggest to your wife that she try to see things differently. Make sure you are meeting her needs for emotional connection, and let her know that what happened to her friend is happening to the two of you.

I have a great book, available on Kindle, called The Married Girls Guide to Great Sex. Maybe that could help. I wish you all the best.

Namaste

Alex on August 11, 2018:

This is very true. I have just watched my wifes friend destroy her second marriage. From fhe outside all looked well. Inside my wife was telling me they no longer had sex as she did t want it anymore and thought life would be ok without it. They had it once in last six months. He turned round one day and just said there was no spark anymore and left. Shocking as now she is out meeting other men.

Now after having a baby girl, my wife has completely gone off sex. Our girl is now six months and only last night she said all we need is cuddles and kisses that dont need to go any further. I try to tell her, that is just foreplay to me. Which keeps me getting shut off and feeling frustrated. Im naturally looking at other women and using porn. I wouldnt cheat but self gratification is not enough. Im hoping she will get her libido back like she used to have before pregnant. I know she loves me loads and isnt going anywhere else. I suppose ill give her time and im lucky i can see through it.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on August 01, 2018:

@Truth is, I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on my article.

I think there must be as many men as women cheating, because it takes two to tango. Women aren't cheating in a vacuum. And both men and women do things that harm relationships.

Thanks again for your comment,

Namaste

Truth Is on July 30, 2018:

Well with so many women cheating nowadays, this doesn't surprise me one bit. Been there.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on July 12, 2018:

Stephanie,

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my article.

I think that being in a relationship takes commitment from both people. With that in mind, I wrote two articles. One details common mistakes that women make, the other talks about common mistakes men make.

That's not to say the other person isn't doing stuff wrong, but the intention is to help people become aware of how they may be contributing to the problems in their own life.

Thanks again for your input.

Namaste

Stephanie on July 10, 2018:

What a bunch of garbage, why is the focus solely on what the wife may be doing wrong? Perhaps she's adapted to these behaviors because the husband is a lazy,clueless, self -can centered ass??

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on June 27, 2018:

Yes, please feel free to use the information, as long as you cite me as the source.

Thanks!

Namaste

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on June 23, 2018:

@Gregg Michaelsen,

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my article. I appreciate your input.

Yes, women talk nearly three times more than men, and it can be used for good or evil! I am glad you found the information useful.

Wishing you all the best,

Deborah

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on June 23, 2018:

Hello Emmanuel,

You may use the information in a Power Point, please be sure to attribute the information to me, Deborah Demander.

What are you using the material for?

Thank you

Gregg Michaelsen from Salem Ma on June 15, 2018:

I am dating and life coach and I learned a ton of new things from this article. Women speak an average of 20,000 words to a man's 7,000?

That means she has 3 times the chances to use hurtful words. But she also has triple the words to use towards making him feel good about himself and the relationship. Great article to reference!

Emmanuel on June 12, 2018:

Hello! I would like to use this material in a PowerPoint presentation, May I please have your permission to do so? Thank you!

Emmanuel on June 12, 2018:

Hello! I would this material in PowerPoint presentation, Can I please have your permission to do so? Thank you!

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on June 01, 2018:

@Robert Jones, Many people would agree with you. It's not worth the grief and aggravation to deal with marriage. However, this article, and other ones I write similar to this one, are in hopes of helping people create a better experience.

Wish you all the best.

Namaste

Johan Ernst on May 10, 2018:

Wow it is if you are living in my house and know my wife better then I do. This is really an eye opener for both married people and should be read by both. I am 72 and from the beginning of our marriage all that you mentioned was happening to me. Now I know why my wife react this way, her father was an alcoholic and a very demanding person. This was the cause that he was sometimes out off work and things went very wrong in their house. You can just imagine what it must have been to grew up in a house like that. Know I can understand why my wife re-act like this. We are surely going to work on what you wrote, its never to late to change things in your marriage. Thank you may God bless you and your family.

Kind Regards Johan Ernst

S BO on April 14, 2018:

Thank you..

I'm a father of 3, married 27 years this June, our son has pdd-nos age 21, twin girls age 24, one daughter has medical issues last 3 years, other daughter works, they live at home, wife stayed home from 1996, we homeschool & moved to Florida, started life over after my own disability issues affected business, wife age 10 older brother molested her & she took years telling me the truth, now with everything in life I'm past my own tolerance for being able to take any attitude from her, I have loved my family more then I can express, I need her to fix things so can you do a post " Top 10 Things Men Do To Destroy There Marriage" Thank you again... I'm hurting on the inside and I want to the man I was caring for my family again like when I was younger....

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on March 25, 2018:

@punisher,

That is certainly one way to look at a relationship. Wish you the best.

Namaste

punisher on March 24, 2018:

dont ask if she loves you .ask is she in love with you.hope you get the right answer .dont be scared to put your foot down hard,we all know what is right and wrong,cut the crap...

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on March 23, 2018:

Thank you for reading and commenting on the article. I'm glad you liked it.

Namaste

Abdillahi on March 22, 2018:

it's great joyful day for me to see with passage .

I have never set eyes on like you because you are special one feels the reality life of marriage family size happiness and sadness.

thanks dearest for your advice to golden family solution.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on March 19, 2018:

@thomas kenny,

It's hard to blend families, especially when you don't first come to an agreement on discipline and expectations for the adults and the kids involved. It's never too late to sit down and talk about how you'd like to see things happen. And if you don't tell her how you feel, she'll never know.

Wishing you all the best,

Namaste

thomas kenny on March 16, 2018:

My wife let her son get away with distorting our home

Omar on March 02, 2018:

All of the above and she has turned our two sons against me. It should not have come as a surprise to me because her four sisters have done exactly the same, two of them are divorced, another one is about to be divorced and the youngest one left her husband and their daughters to run off with a guy..

Good riddance.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on February 26, 2018:

Hi Borealis,

In any given situation, you can only control yourself. You can't change or control your partner. Have you tried talking with your wife? Tell her how you feel and how your children are affected. Beyond that, you can't do much but maintain your own inner peace, and help your children find a stable life. If you or your children are in danger, perhaps you should reevaluate your relationship.

Wish you the best,

Namaste

borealis on February 20, 2018:

Hi, what if a wife has 9 out of 10 of these bad habits. what advice would you give to the husband whose positive efforts are consistently being negated and especially if there are children as well in that marriage?

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on January 12, 2018:

@sam,

Unfortunately, I don't know what you should do. You can only control your own behavior. What do you really want in your life? Focus on being the person that you are called to be.

Best of luck.

Namaste

sam on January 11, 2018:

hi,i am 8 months married,sometimes i used to get so angry and recently 3 days before i fought with him just for not giving me time but i feel i was forcing him my mistake i accepted but he is not happy he says he got bored of me and irritated because of me and stopped talking to me ; i am out of my country i feel so lonely...i am all alone ,now i have decided to leave this silence and go to my country what shall i do help me?

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on January 03, 2018:

John, thank you for that well thought out comment. I appreciate you taking the time to write. I agree that marriage takes sacrifice, and it's not always easy. Far too many people jump out when things get a little difficult, rather than work through the problems and discover a much deeper and fulfilling relationship.

I also agree that a life of unconditional love creates deep beauty and meaning. It requires great self-sacrifice, which most people are not willing to endure. I wish you all the best.

Namaste

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on January 03, 2018:

Hi Sam,

Sorry to hear of your predicament. It is possible to stay in an unhappy marriage. I did it for nearly 20 years. If you choose to stay, you can only control your own behavior. Offer love, kindness and forgiveness to your wife and to yourself. Show up as the best version of yourself, for your child and for yourself. Your marriage will benefit if you bring your A-game, in spite of your partner's behavior.

Wish you the best.

Namaste

John Meek on January 01, 2018:

Hello Deb,

Can you qualify your last item, with the reality that everybody has their own weaknesses. Without this, this last item becomes THE escape and the excuse.

In some situations, an escape is necessary, because you did marry the wrong person. But the problem is, when you leave one, and marry another, you are only marrying a different set of weaknesses/strengths/attributes.

Marriage has two very probable outcomes...

1) to bring greater joy than you could have ever found alone

2) to bring greater misery than you could have ever found alone

If anybody wants the first outcome, they have to risk the possibility of the second outcome. BUT, too often, when outcome two becomes a reality, people tough it out sometimes for years, and then can't take it any longer and quit. the unfortunate thing is they could have had 1).

There are only three groups:

1) Those who tough it out, but have this nagging need (selfish) that they have, that just WILL NOT go away. If entertained, it can become consuming. And once they allow it to become consuming, the damn will eventually break. Possibly into a divorce.

2) Those who tough it out, but have a serious problem with their spouse's behavior, which they CAN NOT change. Same as above, if they allow it to consume them, the damn will eventually break. Possibly into a divorce.

3) Those in abusive relationships. This is the one justifiable reason for divorce, but it is still exemplary if somebody is able to tough it out by focusing on the true innate good in the other person. "Abuse" is a loaded word. And two people talking specifically how to react to "said abuse" might as well be from two different planets. I know those who were clearly in category 1 above, with the dream husband, who will rewrite their relationship with that husband as abusive. Nobody is perfect; but labeling common imperfections as abuse, is an insult to those who really do undergo abuse. In my 41 years, the evidence of what I have seen is mounting for the conclusion that: at least one spouse in every divorce, at some point in their life will likely entertain the use of the word "abuse." The only way to feel good about the decision to divorce is to come up with a reason that makes you look like the good guy. This need to cope with a crappy situation by changing your perception, means getting the truth is essentially impossible.

But when I look at a couple that stayed together for 50 years, and can still smile at each other and show concern and respect for each other. Here the truth is obvious, and extremely beautiful. However it is humbling, because it is beautiful in a way that the world doesn't really value. It means submitting. It means swallowing pride. It means possibly choosing to live for decades with unmet, or under-met needs. It means forgetting yourself to an extent that may feel extremely miserable for a time. It means pushing through without looking back at regrets. It means forgiveness.

It has to mean all of these truths for one or both in the relationship. We are all imperfect, so it can't be any other way.

One of the big divides in peoples' opinions are regarding those relationships that clearly show one person who has sacrificed and forgiven more for decades on end. The person in the relationship that is "the glue." Some would say that the "better" person in the relationship shouldn't have to put up with the crap of the other person all these years, and would have been happier had they gotten a divorce. Those in the other camp (which would be me) would look at that "better" person and say, WOW! they just made themselves so much more beautiful. And their reward will be equal to the incredible beauty they built through their trial.

I realize I'm probably in the minority in believing that a life of unconditional love (like many parent/child relationships) is potentially the most beautiful life. But I am okay with that.

Sam on January 01, 2018:

Thank you for taking time to write this important article. It describes my wife! Enough said! 6 years and all I can do is to be strong! But what else is left to be done apart from taking different paths and the damage it shall cause to our only child?

Sandeep on December 29, 2017:

Thank you for this well written article. I really wish all women read this and understood the men in their live.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on December 23, 2017:

JM, Very beautifully worded. I appreciate what you say.

Thank you for taking the time to read the article to to leave such a well reasoned and thought out response. My deepest respect to you.

Namaste

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on December 18, 2017:

@ Male Reader,

Sorry to hear of your rough experience. Maybe you could let her know how you really feel. Why drag it out any longer?

Wishing you the best,

Namaste

Male Reader on December 17, 2017:

Great article. I have been married 5 years and cannot wait to be divorced. My wife is more ungrateful than any employer I have ever had. She is an expert at making a bad situation worse.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on December 11, 2017:

Breely, I couldn't agree with you more. No woman should be a doormat to an abusive man. When a woman gives and gives, and a man takes and takes, then there is a disconnect in the relationship.

If a woman is in an abusive marriage, she should get out. Much easier said than done, however. It took me nearly 20 years to leave my abusive husband.

We each need to do our own part. In a healthy relationship, both parties are constantly evaluating their own contribution to the partnership.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on the article. I appreciate your input.

Namaste

Breely on December 09, 2017:

Not to say I'm perfect by no means, but I did give it my all and think it's totally unfair to give in to your husband's needs when he disrespects yours. No woman should be a door mat to any man who is abusing her. I'm sick of women being blamed just because a man won't keep his eyes in his head, his hands to himself, and his penis in his pants. Why should a loyal, faithful, woman bow down to a cheater? If she communicates and he doesn't what can she do? If she gives and he takes, what does she do? If she works hard on her relationship and he doesn't what does she do? If she gives unconditional love and he neglects her, what does she do? The abuse has to come to an end and when he chooses to cheat that's his choice and she should not be blamed for his actions. All of the ten things in this article should be analyzed personally and resolved. " It Takes Two Baby" If one person is giving their all and ends up in "Heartbreak Hotel" it's time to reevaluate self and take better care of self. You did all you can do. It's time you do all you can do for you. js

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on November 27, 2017:

success79, I agree with your assessment. With some attention and care, people could save their relationships. Unfortunately, a successful marriage takes two committed partners. One person can't always do everything. But we can each do our own part.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Namaste

Sonia from New York on November 24, 2017:

Well thought out and written article that certainly conveys the reality of how a marriage can be easily destroyed. I believe that the more a person explores information on how to protect their marriages from falling apart, a whole lot of marriages could be saved.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on November 13, 2017:

Lily,

I appreciate your comment. If your argument is true, then a man shouldn't have to talk when he's not in the mood. Conversation is not just there for a woman's pleasure.

As a couple, we sometimes make sacrifices for the better of the relationship. Women sometimes have sex to please their husband. Men sometimes have conversation to please their wife. Marriage is a two-way street.

Wish you all the best,

Namaste

Lily on November 08, 2017:

A woman should not have sex when she is not in the mood. If a guy needs physical release, then maybe he should take care of it himself. Sex is not just there for a guy's pleasure.

Muthuri Akifa on October 12, 2017:

Great article. I am at the tail end of a 15 year marriage. The last few years have been pretty difficult because she just stopped being affectionate. Sex was just part of it. No hugs, no asking after me, impatience with me when I want to hold her, falling asleep AS SHE WAS GETTING INTO BED...I could go on and on. It was a difficult time also because of mounting financial pressure and running a start up. I tried so many different things to become better but got cut no slack. Even marriage counseling didn't help. Soon I ran out of gas and became suicidal. Eventually, after therapy and getting better control on my mental health, I recently told her I'm moving out. Affection, affirmation, acknoweldgement, and acceptance. I died slowly from lack of these. Deeply saddened by how things have turned out but also deeply relieved.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on September 05, 2017:

@CJ, Thanks for taking the time to read the article, and to articulate a well thought out comment. I appreciate your time and insight. We are all better partners when we try to remember that no one is perfect, and everyone has some bad days. And I like your approach to educating yourself. Something we should do throughout our lives. Best to you,

Namaste

CJ on September 04, 2017:

Good stuff! I've been married to my wife for 11 years now and we have 3 gorgeous daughters. I find the truth is the underlyning theme of the article. Control what you can control and take a positive approach initially in any situation. Pointing fingers at each other earlier in our marriage was a result of inexperience and youthful nonsense. As we have have bother move on from this we have discovered that you have good days and bad days. Learning to control your emotions in the heat of the moment, and looking at both point of views takes patients. Just like anything else repetitive in your life you will get better. My only addition is a bit of an old cliche. To the women who have taken the time to read the 10 things I applaud you. Guys, don't just read this article and shy step away from the 10 things we could improve on. I'm 40 years old and have found peace and happiness through educating myself on well thought out books and article such as this one. Look in the mirror it may speak volumes of truth! Remember, this is t a game this is your life partner, mother to your children, and beautiful lady who choose to spend her life with you! If the goal is to win the argument always then soon you will have nobody else to beat but yourself. These of course are my feeling, words, and life lessons that have applied to my situation. We all have different things to share so please take it for what it's worth. Thanks.

The Truth on September 02, 2017:

Well with most women sleeping around all the time with different men which will be the main reason.

IeuanD on August 19, 2017:

- I guess the best you can do is speak your truth with kindness and love. She probably won't change until she decides to -

That sums it up. Competitiveness is fine for the individual but screws up any co-operative relation.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on August 18, 2017:

@LeuanD, thank you for taking the time to read this article and comment on it. It sounds like you are in a no win situation. I guess the best you can do is speak your truth with kindness and love. She probably won't change until she decides to, so you can make the situation bearable for you, whatever that looks like. Wishing you the best.

Namaste

IeuanD on August 18, 2017:

Thank you for that the article. It so accurately described my wife. I'd love to show it to her but I'm certain she would deny she behaves like that and turn it round to put more blame on me.

She has the knack of twisting my actions and responses, no matter how positive or helpful I think they are, to being against her. It seems to be her way or the wrong way.

The worse is her absolutely certainty she is right when she clearly isn't. And even then I get blamed for either not asserting myself or not knowing she didn't know.

Her answer to any suggestion is always no. She has a better idea, even if it turns out disastrously. When I challenge her about it, it becomes my fault for not understanding or listening. She has to be in charge and will take over. She can not behave participatively as that would mean she is not in charge.

Her games wear me out. But she doesn't see it.

Thank you for reading.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on August 09, 2017:

@Billy, Thanks for reading and commenting. Best wishes to you.

@clemson120: The most important part of a relationship is good communication. It sounds like her attacks are mean, and coming from a place of anger, rather than constructive criticism. What is she so angry about? It sounds like you are unfairly criticized and attacked. Until you get to the root of her resentment, it is unlikely you will be able to do anything right. Remember, you can only control yourself and your own behavior. Best of luck to you,

warmest regards,

Namaste

clemson120 on August 02, 2017:

My wife does 1,2,3,4,6,8,9 :/

Don't really know how to talk to her about it either. She never cares about what I do, just focuses on what I don't do.

I work full time while she stays at home with our 4 month old. I work, cook dinner, hold our daughter bc she is tired of holding her, clean off the dinner table, change the diapers, and help rock our daughter until she falls asleep. My wife then will complain that the dishes aren't done, the house isn't clean, the grass is cut more than once a week if it's growing fast, etc. And that she couldn't do any of it bc she didn't feel like it or bc our daughter was fussy that day

Then if she wants to go out for a couple hours while i watch our daughter and comes home and i havent cleaned the house from head to toe then i am lazy and didnt do anything. She constantly tells me that I do nothing to help her around the house and tells her family the same

Billy on August 01, 2017:

I do like your article ànd my wife need to read this because I read the 10 thing a man dose and both are good.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on June 28, 2017:

Say What,

Thanks for your interesting and insightful comments. It sounds like you have had some pretty rough experiences with women. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on the article. I wish you the best,

Namaste

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on June 12, 2017:

Peter, you ask an interesting question. Why don't women choose better partners? I don't think anyone is blaming the entire male population, and I do think it takes two people to make a relationship work. Each person brings their own thoughts, perceptions and baggage into a relationship. The point of this article is to show women how to identify some of their biggest mistakes, and how to hopefully mitigate them so you don't ruin your relationship.

This begs your original question. You actually asked why we don't teach women to choose more wisely. I'm not sure that's a skill that can be taught. I do think women need to realize that what they choose is what they get. You can't marry someone and then try to change them into someone else. It's like getting a cat at the animal shelter, and then trying to teach it to fetch and sit and beg. It just won't happen. A cat is not a dog. Rather than get mad at the cat for not changing, one should pick a dog. Pick what you want the first time around, and save everyone the trouble.

@Monica, It sounds like you've come upon a workable solution for you. Enjoy the convertible!

Thanks to both of you for reading and commenting.

Namaste

Monica on June 09, 2017:

With all this being said, I am happily single with not the slightest desire to marry, converse, fraternize, or anything with anyone. No more marriage for me. I don't even care to date. Guess I'll buy a convertible and drive the rest of my life away!!!!!

Peter on May 28, 2017:

Here's a question: in general, I believe when it comes to choosing a mate for marriage, the woman is the one who does the choosing. If women have this power then why can't we teach women to chose responsibly and carefully ? It seems easier to blame the male population OF THE ENTIRE PLANET, then to accept their own shortcomings... are women creating their own demise ?

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on April 28, 2017:

Redman, Thanks so much for your poignant comments. It sounds as though you are in a very difficult and painful relationship. Sometimes, we have a responsibility to protect and take care of ourselves, especially when our partner becomes abusive.

Wishing you all the best,

Namaste

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on March 27, 2017:

Thank you for reading and commenting.

Namaste

don9ja on March 26, 2017:

Nice artie

freddy on March 21, 2017:

my silly ex ticked all these boxes and left with the kids and probably her new boy friend who will definitely leave her.. I stayed for 15 years!!!

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on March 09, 2017:

charlie0304, Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I appreciate your points. Constantly comparing only causes frustration and unrealistic expectations. And sitting on the couch, totally unengaged, is a great way to destroy any relationship. Hopefully you could share it as a constructive tool to improve your relationship, rather than something that would just irritate your partner. Best wishes for you,

Namaste

charlie0304 on March 04, 2017:

male point of view here.. well written and I can relate completely. Not saying that men (me) are not guilty of contributing to some of these points, but wow, if you are looking for an awful marriage, these will do it for you. I will add a couple more that probably fit within the points previously stated... don't constantly compare yourself and how much you work (or don't) or have (or don't) or want or vacation.. with your friends, neighbors, etc. Never treat your spouse like just a paycheck. I could go on and on but the article really captures it. Just one more annoyance (however immaterial). Don't camp on the coach - while you have 'the notebook' on for the 20th time, while you are surfing your ipad... and not even offer to let your husband change the channel. I have not decided to share this yet with my keeper... i'll see. thx for reading.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on February 22, 2017:

Hi Karen,

Not only should you honor your husband and your marriage, but also your own health. If it works for you to wake up three hours after you go to bed, then do that. If that isn't working for you, then together you could explore some different solutions. Perhaps you could have sex before you go to bed, or in the morning before heading to work. When you want to work things out, there is always a way to find a compromise that works for both of you.

Thanks for reading,

Namaste

karen on February 20, 2017:

If my husband come to bed 3 hours after I went to bed, do I need to wake up to have sex with him? I want to honor him and our marriage, but I also want to get the sleep I need due to a medical condition.

Anon on February 17, 2017:

If only I could show this to my wife without her being royally pissed off and possibly threatening with divorce... To quote "She does not see herself as sinful or wrong. " The wrong part here is to the point that I can even joke with her some about it.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on February 02, 2017:

Mwate, I am so glad you found this article. The truth is that we are each in control of our own lives and our own happiness. Thank you for reading and commenting.

Namaste

Mwate on February 02, 2017:

Great article, i truely agree with # 8..After reading i quickly shared it with my husband because i realised that every little thing makes me upset and makes me unhappy for days. Thanks for helping me realize that i am my own happiness.

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on January 22, 2017:

difficultdonna,

Thanks for reading and for your question.

The best suggestion I can offer is to first of all, speak your truth. Tell your husband the truth. He may not like it, but if speak your truth with kindness and love, then you honor Who You Really Are, you honor your husband, and you honor your relationship.

Is there something he can do differently to make sex more appealing to you? Is there a compromise you can reach? Work together to reach a manageable solution, without anger, blame or resentment.

Finally, let go of the past. It is over. Today is a new day. There is nothing you can do to change the past. Forgive yourself and move forward.

Namaste

difficultdonna on January 22, 2017:

how can someone change when they are still going through some very difficult times with their past and just recently dealt some hard health issues? I am with a man who wants to have sex multiple times a week. i am simply not in the mood....such a difficult situation. he gets so angry i cant take it....He is 56 and I am 52...advice?

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on January 10, 2017:

@Darlene Lancer,

Thank you for weighing in. You are absolutely right. To enter into a successful relationship requires that we have addressed our own issues first. This means coming into things with healthy self esteem.

Until we are ready to take care of ourselves, we can never expect our needs to be met my someone else.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Namaste

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on January 10, 2017:

@Craig,

I agree completely. People can and do change. Change is the only certainty we have in life. Unfortunately, changing others to fit our own unrealistic expectations rarely, if ever, works.

You hit the nail on the head. People have to be willing to work together.

Namaste

Craig on January 06, 2017:

#10: People can and do change, but both parties have to be willing to change together and not expect that change should come from the other spouse!

Deborah Demander Reno (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on December 30, 2016:

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment upon the article. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Namaste

Ocean is me on December 29, 2016:

Oddly enough... my husband does some of these to me. Lol