Top 10 Things Women Do To Destroy Their Marriage

Updated on June 16, 2016
Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah is a writer, healer, and teacher. Her goal is to help people live their best lives everyday by sharing her joy and love of life.

Wives bear as much responsibility as husbands. We have the power to make a home, or break it.

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How we hurt our husbands

Creating a hostile environment can make everyone uncomfortable and destroy your marriage.

While both husband and wife should take responsibility for their part in a marriage, below are ten mistakes common to women, which can completely destroy a marriage. When women exercise the following behaviors, it can create a hostile environment, where no one feels safe or comfortable.

It is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. So, while this list below may seen daunting, always remember that. If life is stressful, then work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek the things that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.


1. Using words to hurt, maim and destroy your marriage

Although men are stronger physically, women have the advantage when it comes to verbal acumen. On average, women speak nearly three times more than men. The average female ends her day having spoken nearly 20,000 words, while her husband, boss, friend or partner has had his say with about 7,000. Women are talkers and have learned how to use words for the most effectiveness.

Women are adept at brandishing the sharpest words in order to shame, demean and belittle their man. Words are like toothpaste. Once they are out, there is no getting them back in. Regardless of how sorry you are afterward, the damage has been done. All the sorries in the world will never take back the sting of your angry words, once you have unleashed them on your hapless husband.

Rather than use your words as a weapon, use them as a healing balm to comfort, encourage and uplift your husband. And as grandma always used to say, "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all."

2. Having unrealistic expectations

Seeking fulfillment from one person, and projecting your unhappiness onto him when he doesn't measure up will quickly destroy your marriage. If you feel unhappy, first examine reality. You will be happier if you shape your expectations to fit the reality of your situation. Expecting your spouse or children to make you happy is unrealistic. Make yourself happy.

Imagine if you could only have one friend for your entire life. Would that work for you? Most women have several friends, who fill several roles. We have a friend with whom we like to go shopping. One friend likes to work out with us. One friend leads a bible study. One friend loves to have coffee on Wednesday mornings.

Each person in your life fulfills a different and important role. None is more important, they are just different. If you expect your husband to complete you and bring you eternal happiness, not only are you setting him up for failure, but you are also setting yourself up for disappointment.

Rather than look to one person to fulfill your every need, try expanding your circle of influence, to include a variety of people, who fill your life with different blessings. And most of all, look to yourself. Find ways to feel complete and happy with who you are as a person. First, seek to find you own happiness, within yourself. And then, rather than look to someone else to complete you, find ways to complement each other's lives.

3. Using sarcastic and critical statements, gestures, and facial expressions

This is a quick and easy way to show your husband that you don't respect him or his opinion. Men can become overwhelmed by the barrage of criticism coming at them. The result is they shut down, withdraw, and seek kindness and approval elsewhere.

Have you ever experienced someone discounting what you have to say, without actually listening to you? When you are critical or sarcastic with your husband, he feels attacked and unvalued. Listen to him, without adding your two cents worth. If you'd like to ask questions, wait until he stops talking. Don't interrupt with a story about how the dog threw-up on the carpet. Let him have a few minutes to be the center of your attention. And if you absolutely must get dinner made, invite him to join you in the kitchen. Tell him that you would like to hear about the rest of his day, and mean it.

Another way to show disrespect is to roll your eyes or make sarcastic facial expressions. These are just as irritating for your husband, as they are for you when your teen-aged daughter does it. There is no need to be rude, even if you've been married forever. It is more important to give him your attention, to look at him and to listen, than it is to roll your eyes or shake your head in exasperation. You are trying to build a bond, not destroy the man you love.

Why your spouse may irritate you

4. Criticize him, make fun of him and belittle him to your friends and family

When you criticize and belittle your husband, you not only diminish your husband in your eyes, but you also poison those closest to you. You force them to take sides, and of course they choose your side, because they want to be loyal to you. Your friends and family don't live at your house. They don't see what goes on day after day. They don't see the good things your husband does. The only view they have of your husband is the one that you present to them. If you are constantly badmouthing and belittling him, then they will view him as a bad partner for you.

After you speak badly about him, they will never look at your husband the same. Even when you get over your tirade, and everything is great at home, they will still be mad at him. Your friends and family members want to protect you from danger and harm. If you are constantly referring to your husband in a negative light, then they will want to protect you and your children from this monster you married, even if he isn't really a monster.

When you speak poorly of your spouse, your close friendships and relationships will remain irreparably altered against your husband, in time, this can destroy your marriage. He will never understand why your friends don't like him, and why your mother is mean to him.

Rather than trying to make excuses, don't start down that path. When you speak of your husband, use uplifting, encouraging words. If he is acting like a jerk, you don't need to gush about it to everyone you know. Your constant complaints against him will create a wall between your husband and your friends, that he can never overcome.

5. Withhold affection and sex

This can cause a huge rift in your marriage, whether you realize it or not. Men are wired differently than women. Your husband needs physical release through sexual intimacy. It is not just something he is demanding of you, it is something he needs, physiologically speaking.

When you refuse to meet his need for physical release, you are making a much deeper statement; you do not care about or respect his needs. This is not about whether you like or dislike sex. It is much more important than that. Your spouse needs to connect with you on a physical level, whether you are in the mood or not.

As much as you need emotional release and closeness, he is wired to need physical release and closeness. Neither is wrong. You are just different. While you want your emotional needs met, it is important not to lose sight of his needs. Think of it this way; what if he stopped talking to you for three days? How about a week? What if he didn't talk to you for an entire month? Unconscionable, right? Likewise, it is unfair for you to cut him off from what he needs. You are in a relationship with a man you love, and you expect your needs to be met. In the same way, you need to meet his needs, regardless of whether you share the same needs and desires.


Tips to Save Your Marriage

6. Disrespecting his insight, opinions and advice

Men and women are different on many levels. Men are fixers. By nature, if you present a problem, he will come up with concrete steps to solve the problem. When you are dismissive, it sends the message that you do not value him. When you come to your husband with a problem or a concern, be ready for him to create an action plan to resolve your conflict. It may not be exactly what you would do, but he is offering a solution. The least you can do is listen to his suggestion, and thank him for his input. Before you reject his idea out of hand, take some time to consider what his opinion. Think about what he said. You don't have to do everything he suggests, but listen and think about it.

If you just want to bitch and complain, call a girlfriend. Girlfriends are great listeners. They will not try to fix you. Women like to talk things out, without being fixed. Sometimes you just need an ear to listen, not a solution. When that is the case, perhaps your husband isn't the person to approach.

If you must whine at your husband, tell him upfront that you don't require a solution, just an ear to hear. He will still offer suggestions, but if you tell him, before you begin your rant, that you don't need an answer, just to vent, then he won't be offended when you don't take his advice. And sometimes, you could surprise him and actually follow his advice. It might just work.

7. Undermining his authority, but demanding he take full responsibility

In any organization, there must be a leader, someone in charge. The head over the whole organization, who says, "The buck stops here." Typically, the person who carries the responsibility ought to be the one who has the final say. Families and relationships are much like any other organization. There must be someone in charge, someone who will take full responsibility when things go wrong, and someone that everyone can turn to.

You, of course, are welcome to take that role, if you are willing to be fully responsible when the chips are down. It is easy to be critical of the person in charge, and it is easy to think that you could do a better job. The hard part comes when it is time to take responsibility. Rather than making decisions without regard for your husband's input, and then blaming him when things don't work out, try instead to work together. You can decide together how things should be done, and you can offer him the final say when decisions need to be made.

Don't become so focused on your own feelings and fears (i.e. I'm afraid he'll make a bad decision. I feel like I make better decisions) to override his feelings and fears (i.e. I am responsible to take care of the family. I'm afraid no one in the family respects me.) Be gracious in light of his decision making. You can respectfully disagree with a decision without attacking his ability to lead.

8. Never being happy

One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to spend all your time acting miserable and unhappy. The goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. It is to this end that you have an obligation to be happy. If the goal is to be happily married, it is up to you to exercise self control. Only you can make yourself happy. If you believe that your happiness comes from other people or having things or external circumstances, then you will never be happy. You are in charge of your happiness. It is a decision. You can choose to be a miserable, unhappy grouch, or you can suck it up, pull your boots on and show up in your marriage as the person you'd like to be.

There is no need to express every angry, bitter or resentful thought. Everybody gets pissed off, frustrated and irritated. There isn't anyone to blame. You are choosing to respond to your circumstances with that attitude. You can choose a different path. By owning your own problems, you can take responsibility for your own happiness. Each day, work on bringing your best self into the relationship. Regardless of what happens, you are only one thought away from peace.

Remind yourself every day, I can see peace instead of this. And then, work to see the peace that is available to you.

9. Demoralizing him and crushing his spirit

If asked, most men believe their wives to be more moral and spiritual than themselves. Often, the wife agrees. She does not see herself as sinful or wrong. She feels her greatest "sins" lie in being deeply disappointed by her husband's failures and her children's shortcomings. Beyond this, wives typically admit to bad behavior and attitudes, but attribute it to hormones, chemical imbalances and a dysfunctional childhood.

Woe to the husband who dares suggest his lovely bride could use improvement in some aspect of her life. Labeled a heartless, uncaring, unrighteous lout, he is silenced by an angered, wounded wife, cloaked in self-righteous indignation. She then feels perfectly justified in attacking every flaw, magnifying every misstep and pointing out every failure, until he feels ashamed for living. You are not your husbands Holy Spirit. Stop trying to correct every little flaw you perceive in his character and set about removing the blinding plank from your own eye.

Of course, everyone makes mistakes. You can build him up or tear him down. The choice belongs entirely to you.

10. Picking the wrong man

You repeat the pattern again. And again. You meet a man. You like him. You start dating. Then you begin to notice the tiny flaws. The chinks in his armor. He yells, just like your dad did. He drinks and becomes abusive. He is mean to your kids. "It's o.k., " you tell yourself, "I'll fix him after we get married."

Stop right there. There is no fixing it. The man you date will be the same man after you are married. Inherently kind? He'll still be kind. Addicted to pornography? He'll still be addicted. You cannot change the basic nature of other people. You cannot love them into changing. You cannot nag or pout or complain them into changing. If the relationship feels unhealthy during dating, getting married will not fix it. He will not magically become more responsible, more reliable, or more loving after you marry him. So if you want a good husband, find a good man, date him, and marry him.

While this list may seem daunting, it is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. If life is stressful, work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek those thing that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.

Namaste Friends


This material is copyrighted by Deborah Demander and may not be reproduced without written permission from the author.

Questions & Answers

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    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      45 hours ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Alex,

      I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It must be very difficult. Perhaps you could gently suggest to your wife that she try to see things differently. Make sure you are meeting her needs for emotional connection, and let her know that what happened to her friend is happening to the two of you.

      I have a great book, available on Kindle, called The Married Girls Guide to Great Sex. Maybe that could help. I wish you all the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Alex 

      4 days ago

      This is very true. I have just watched my wifes friend destroy her second marriage. From fhe outside all looked well. Inside my wife was telling me they no longer had sex as she did t want it anymore and thought life would be ok without it. They had it once in last six months. He turned round one day and just said there was no spark anymore and left. Shocking as now she is out meeting other men.

      Now after having a baby girl, my wife has completely gone off sex. Our girl is now six months and only last night she said all we need is cuddles and kisses that dont need to go any further. I try to tell her, that is just foreplay to me. Which keeps me getting shut off and feeling frustrated. Im naturally looking at other women and using porn. I wouldnt cheat but self gratification is not enough. Im hoping she will get her libido back like she used to have before pregnant. I know she loves me loads and isnt going anywhere else. I suppose ill give her time and im lucky i can see through it.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      13 days ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Truth is, I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on my article.

      I think there must be as many men as women cheating, because it takes two to tango. Women aren't cheating in a vacuum. And both men and women do things that harm relationships.

      Thanks again for your comment,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Truth Is 

      2 weeks ago

      Well with so many women cheating nowadays, this doesn't surprise me one bit. Been there.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      4 weeks ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Stephanie,

      Thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my article.

      I think that being in a relationship takes commitment from both people. With that in mind, I wrote two articles. One details common mistakes that women make, the other talks about common mistakes men make.

      That's not to say the other person isn't doing stuff wrong, but the intention is to help people become aware of how they may be contributing to the problems in their own life.

      Thanks again for your input.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Stephanie 

      5 weeks ago

      What a bunch of garbage, why is the focus solely on what the wife may be doing wrong? Perhaps she's adapted to these behaviors because the husband is a lazy,clueless, self -can centered ass??

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      6 weeks ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Yes, please feel free to use the information, as long as you cite me as the source.

      Thanks!

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      7 weeks ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Gregg Michaelsen,

      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my article. I appreciate your input.

      Yes, women talk nearly three times more than men, and it can be used for good or evil! I am glad you found the information useful.

      Wishing you all the best,

      Deborah

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      7 weeks ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Hello Emmanuel,

      You may use the information in a Power Point, please be sure to attribute the information to me, Deborah Demander.

      What are you using the material for?

      Thank you

    • Gregg Michaelsen profile image

      Gregg Michaelsen 

      2 months ago from Salem Ma

      I am dating and life coach and I learned a ton of new things from this article. Women speak an average of 20,000 words to a man's 7,000?

      That means she has 3 times the chances to use hurtful words. But she also has triple the words to use towards making him feel good about himself and the relationship. Great article to reference!

    • profile image

      Emmanuel 

      2 months ago

      Hello! I would like to use this material in a PowerPoint presentation, May I please have your permission to do so? Thank you!

    • profile image

      Emmanuel 

      2 months ago

      Hello! I would this material in PowerPoint presentation, Can I please have your permission to do so? Thank you!

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Robert Jones, Many people would agree with you. It's not worth the grief and aggravation to deal with marriage. However, this article, and other ones I write similar to this one, are in hopes of helping people create a better experience.

      Wish you all the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Johan Ernst 

      3 months ago

      Wow it is if you are living in my house and know my wife better then I do. This is really an eye opener for both married people and should be read by both. I am 72 and from the beginning of our marriage all that you mentioned was happening to me. Now I know why my wife react this way, her father was an alcoholic and a very demanding person. This was the cause that he was sometimes out off work and things went very wrong in their house. You can just imagine what it must have been to grew up in a house like that. Know I can understand why my wife re-act like this. We are surely going to work on what you wrote, its never to late to change things in your marriage. Thank you may God bless you and your family.

      Kind Regards Johan Ernst

    • profile image

      S BO 

      4 months ago

      Thank you..

      I'm a father of 3, married 27 years this June, our son has pdd-nos age 21, twin girls age 24, one daughter has medical issues last 3 years, other daughter works, they live at home, wife stayed home from 1996, we homeschool & moved to Florida, started life over after my own disability issues affected business, wife age 10 older brother molested her & she took years telling me the truth, now with everything in life I'm past my own tolerance for being able to take any attitude from her, I have loved my family more then I can express, I need her to fix things so can you do a post " Top 10 Things Men Do To Destroy There Marriage" Thank you again... I'm hurting on the inside and I want to the man I was caring for my family again like when I was younger....

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @punisher,

      That is certainly one way to look at a relationship. Wish you the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      punisher 

      4 months ago

      dont ask if she loves you .ask is she in love with you.hope you get the right answer .dont be scared to put your foot down hard,we all know what is right and wrong,cut the crap...

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you for reading and commenting on the article. I'm glad you liked it.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Abdillahi 

      4 months ago

      it's great joyful day for me to see with passage .

      I have never set eyes on like you because you are special one feels the reality life of marriage family size happiness and sadness.

      thanks dearest for your advice to golden family solution.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @thomas kenny,

      It's hard to blend families, especially when you don't first come to an agreement on discipline and expectations for the adults and the kids involved. It's never too late to sit down and talk about how you'd like to see things happen. And if you don't tell her how you feel, she'll never know.

      Wishing you all the best,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      thomas kenny 

      5 months ago

      My wife let her son get away with distorting our home

    • profile image

      Omar 

      5 months ago

      All of the above and she has turned our two sons against me. It should not have come as a surprise to me because her four sisters have done exactly the same, two of them are divorced, another one is about to be divorced and the youngest one left her husband and their daughters to run off with a guy..

      Good riddance.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      5 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Hi Borealis,

      In any given situation, you can only control yourself. You can't change or control your partner. Have you tried talking with your wife? Tell her how you feel and how your children are affected. Beyond that, you can't do much but maintain your own inner peace, and help your children find a stable life. If you or your children are in danger, perhaps you should reevaluate your relationship.

      Wish you the best,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      borealis 

      5 months ago

      Hi, what if a wife has 9 out of 10 of these bad habits. what advice would you give to the husband whose positive efforts are consistently being negated and especially if there are children as well in that marriage?

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      7 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @sam,

      Unfortunately, I don't know what you should do. You can only control your own behavior. What do you really want in your life? Focus on being the person that you are called to be.

      Best of luck.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      sam 

      7 months ago

      hi,i am 8 months married,sometimes i used to get so angry and recently 3 days before i fought with him just for not giving me time but i feel i was forcing him my mistake i accepted but he is not happy he says he got bored of me and irritated because of me and stopped talking to me ; i am out of my country i feel so lonely...i am all alone ,now i have decided to leave this silence and go to my country what shall i do help me?

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      7 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      John, thank you for that well thought out comment. I appreciate you taking the time to write. I agree that marriage takes sacrifice, and it's not always easy. Far too many people jump out when things get a little difficult, rather than work through the problems and discover a much deeper and fulfilling relationship.

      I also agree that a life of unconditional love creates deep beauty and meaning. It requires great self-sacrifice, which most people are not willing to endure. I wish you all the best.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      7 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Hi Sam,

      Sorry to hear of your predicament. It is possible to stay in an unhappy marriage. I did it for nearly 20 years. If you choose to stay, you can only control your own behavior. Offer love, kindness and forgiveness to your wife and to yourself. Show up as the best version of yourself, for your child and for yourself. Your marriage will benefit if you bring your A-game, in spite of your partner's behavior.

      Wish you the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      John Meek 

      7 months ago

      Hello Deb,

      Can you qualify your last item, with the reality that everybody has their own weaknesses. Without this, this last item becomes THE escape and the excuse.

      In some situations, an escape is necessary, because you did marry the wrong person. But the problem is, when you leave one, and marry another, you are only marrying a different set of weaknesses/strengths/attributes.

      Marriage has two very probable outcomes...

      1) to bring greater joy than you could have ever found alone

      2) to bring greater misery than you could have ever found alone

      If anybody wants the first outcome, they have to risk the possibility of the second outcome. BUT, too often, when outcome two becomes a reality, people tough it out sometimes for years, and then can't take it any longer and quit. the unfortunate thing is they could have had 1).

      There are only three groups:

      1) Those who tough it out, but have this nagging need (selfish) that they have, that just WILL NOT go away. If entertained, it can become consuming. And once they allow it to become consuming, the damn will eventually break. Possibly into a divorce.

      2) Those who tough it out, but have a serious problem with their spouse's behavior, which they CAN NOT change. Same as above, if they allow it to consume them, the damn will eventually break. Possibly into a divorce.

      3) Those in abusive relationships. This is the one justifiable reason for divorce, but it is still exemplary if somebody is able to tough it out by focusing on the true innate good in the other person. "Abuse" is a loaded word. And two people talking specifically how to react to "said abuse" might as well be from two different planets. I know those who were clearly in category 1 above, with the dream husband, who will rewrite their relationship with that husband as abusive. Nobody is perfect; but labeling common imperfections as abuse, is an insult to those who really do undergo abuse. In my 41 years, the evidence of what I have seen is mounting for the conclusion that: at least one spouse in every divorce, at some point in their life will likely entertain the use of the word "abuse." The only way to feel good about the decision to divorce is to come up with a reason that makes you look like the good guy. This need to cope with a crappy situation by changing your perception, means getting the truth is essentially impossible.

      But when I look at a couple that stayed together for 50 years, and can still smile at each other and show concern and respect for each other. Here the truth is obvious, and extremely beautiful. However it is humbling, because it is beautiful in a way that the world doesn't really value. It means submitting. It means swallowing pride. It means possibly choosing to live for decades with unmet, or under-met needs. It means forgetting yourself to an extent that may feel extremely miserable for a time. It means pushing through without looking back at regrets. It means forgiveness.

      It has to mean all of these truths for one or both in the relationship. We are all imperfect, so it can't be any other way.

      One of the big divides in peoples' opinions are regarding those relationships that clearly show one person who has sacrificed and forgiven more for decades on end. The person in the relationship that is "the glue." Some would say that the "better" person in the relationship shouldn't have to put up with the crap of the other person all these years, and would have been happier had they gotten a divorce. Those in the other camp (which would be me) would look at that "better" person and say, WOW! they just made themselves so much more beautiful. And their reward will be equal to the incredible beauty they built through their trial.

      I realize I'm probably in the minority in believing that a life of unconditional love (like many parent/child relationships) is potentially the most beautiful life. But I am okay with that.

    • profile image

      Sam 

      7 months ago

      Thank you for taking time to write this important article. It describes my wife! Enough said! 6 years and all I can do is to be strong! But what else is left to be done apart from taking different paths and the damage it shall cause to our only child?

    • profile image

      Sandeep 

      7 months ago

      Thank you for this well written article. I really wish all women read this and understood the men in their live.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      7 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      JM, Very beautifully worded. I appreciate what you say.

      Thank you for taking the time to read the article to to leave such a well reasoned and thought out response. My deepest respect to you.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      7 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @ Male Reader,

      Sorry to hear of your rough experience. Maybe you could let her know how you really feel. Why drag it out any longer?

      Wishing you the best,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Male Reader 

      8 months ago

      Great article. I have been married 5 years and cannot wait to be divorced. My wife is more ungrateful than any employer I have ever had. She is an expert at making a bad situation worse.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      8 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Breely, I couldn't agree with you more. No woman should be a doormat to an abusive man. When a woman gives and gives, and a man takes and takes, then there is a disconnect in the relationship.

      If a woman is in an abusive marriage, she should get out. Much easier said than done, however. It took me nearly 20 years to leave my abusive husband.

      We each need to do our own part. In a healthy relationship, both parties are constantly evaluating their own contribution to the partnership.

      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on the article. I appreciate your input.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Breely 

      8 months ago

      Not to say I'm perfect by no means, but I did give it my all and think it's totally unfair to give in to your husband's needs when he disrespects yours. No woman should be a door mat to any man who is abusing her. I'm sick of women being blamed just because a man won't keep his eyes in his head, his hands to himself, and his penis in his pants. Why should a loyal, faithful, woman bow down to a cheater? If she communicates and he doesn't what can she do? If she gives and he takes, what does she do? If she works hard on her relationship and he doesn't what does she do? If she gives unconditional love and he neglects her, what does she do? The abuse has to come to an end and when he chooses to cheat that's his choice and she should not be blamed for his actions. All of the ten things in this article should be analyzed personally and resolved. " It Takes Two Baby" If one person is giving their all and ends up in "Heartbreak Hotel" it's time to reevaluate self and take better care of self. You did all you can do. It's time you do all you can do for you. js

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      8 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      success79, I agree with your assessment. With some attention and care, people could save their relationships. Unfortunately, a successful marriage takes two committed partners. One person can't always do everything. But we can each do our own part.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

    • success79 profile image

      success79 

      8 months ago

      Well thought out and written article that certainly conveys the reality of how a marriage can be easily destroyed. I believe that the more a person explores information on how to protect their marriages from falling apart, a whole lot of marriages could be saved.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      9 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Lily,

      I appreciate your comment. If your argument is true, then a man shouldn't have to talk when he's not in the mood. Conversation is not just there for a woman's pleasure.

      As a couple, we sometimes make sacrifices for the better of the relationship. Women sometimes have sex to please their husband. Men sometimes have conversation to please their wife. Marriage is a two-way street.

      Wish you all the best,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Lily 

      9 months ago

      A woman should not have sex when she is not in the mood. If a guy needs physical release, then maybe he should take care of it himself. Sex is not just there for a guy's pleasure.

    • profile image

      Muthuri Akifa 

      10 months ago

      Great article. I am at the tail end of a 15 year marriage. The last few years have been pretty difficult because she just stopped being affectionate. Sex was just part of it. No hugs, no asking after me, impatience with me when I want to hold her, falling asleep AS SHE WAS GETTING INTO BED...I could go on and on. It was a difficult time also because of mounting financial pressure and running a start up. I tried so many different things to become better but got cut no slack. Even marriage counseling didn't help. Soon I ran out of gas and became suicidal. Eventually, after therapy and getting better control on my mental health, I recently told her I'm moving out. Affection, affirmation, acknoweldgement, and acceptance. I died slowly from lack of these. Deeply saddened by how things have turned out but also deeply relieved.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      11 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @CJ, Thanks for taking the time to read the article, and to articulate a well thought out comment. I appreciate your time and insight. We are all better partners when we try to remember that no one is perfect, and everyone has some bad days. And I like your approach to educating yourself. Something we should do throughout our lives. Best to you,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      CJ 

      11 months ago

      Good stuff! I've been married to my wife for 11 years now and we have 3 gorgeous daughters. I find the truth is the underlyning theme of the article. Control what you can control and take a positive approach initially in any situation. Pointing fingers at each other earlier in our marriage was a result of inexperience and youthful nonsense. As we have have bother move on from this we have discovered that you have good days and bad days. Learning to control your emotions in the heat of the moment, and looking at both point of views takes patients. Just like anything else repetitive in your life you will get better. My only addition is a bit of an old cliche. To the women who have taken the time to read the 10 things I applaud you. Guys, don't just read this article and shy step away from the 10 things we could improve on. I'm 40 years old and have found peace and happiness through educating myself on well thought out books and article such as this one. Look in the mirror it may speak volumes of truth! Remember, this is t a game this is your life partner, mother to your children, and beautiful lady who choose to spend her life with you! If the goal is to win the argument always then soon you will have nobody else to beat but yourself. These of course are my feeling, words, and life lessons that have applied to my situation. We all have different things to share so please take it for what it's worth. Thanks.

    • profile image

      The Truth 

      11 months ago

      Well with most women sleeping around all the time with different men which will be the main reason.

    • profile image

      IeuanD 

      12 months ago

      - I guess the best you can do is speak your truth with kindness and love. She probably won't change until she decides to -

      That sums it up. Competitiveness is fine for the individual but screws up any co-operative relation.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      12 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @LeuanD, thank you for taking the time to read this article and comment on it. It sounds like you are in a no win situation. I guess the best you can do is speak your truth with kindness and love. She probably won't change until she decides to, so you can make the situation bearable for you, whatever that looks like. Wishing you the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      IeuanD 

      12 months ago

      Thank you for that the article. It so accurately described my wife. I'd love to show it to her but I'm certain she would deny she behaves like that and turn it round to put more blame on me.

      She has the knack of twisting my actions and responses, no matter how positive or helpful I think they are, to being against her. It seems to be her way or the wrong way.

      The worse is her absolutely certainty she is right when she clearly isn't. And even then I get blamed for either not asserting myself or not knowing she didn't know.

      Her answer to any suggestion is always no. She has a better idea, even if it turns out disastrously. When I challenge her about it, it becomes my fault for not understanding or listening. She has to be in charge and will take over. She can not behave participatively as that would mean she is not in charge.

      Her games wear me out. But she doesn't see it.

      Thank you for reading.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      12 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Billy, Thanks for reading and commenting. Best wishes to you.

      @clemson120: The most important part of a relationship is good communication. It sounds like her attacks are mean, and coming from a place of anger, rather than constructive criticism. What is she so angry about? It sounds like you are unfairly criticized and attacked. Until you get to the root of her resentment, it is unlikely you will be able to do anything right. Remember, you can only control yourself and your own behavior. Best of luck to you,

      warmest regards,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      clemson120 

      12 months ago

      My wife does 1,2,3,4,6,8,9 :/

      Don't really know how to talk to her about it either. She never cares about what I do, just focuses on what I don't do.

      I work full time while she stays at home with our 4 month old. I work, cook dinner, hold our daughter bc she is tired of holding her, clean off the dinner table, change the diapers, and help rock our daughter until she falls asleep. My wife then will complain that the dishes aren't done, the house isn't clean, the grass is cut more than once a week if it's growing fast, etc. And that she couldn't do any of it bc she didn't feel like it or bc our daughter was fussy that day

      Then if she wants to go out for a couple hours while i watch our daughter and comes home and i havent cleaned the house from head to toe then i am lazy and didnt do anything. She constantly tells me that I do nothing to help her around the house and tells her family the same

    • profile image

      Billy 

      12 months ago

      I do like your article ànd my wife need to read this because I read the 10 thing a man dose and both are good.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      13 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Say What,

      Thanks for your interesting and insightful comments. It sounds like you have had some pretty rough experiences with women. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on the article. I wish you the best,

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      14 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Peter, you ask an interesting question. Why don't women choose better partners? I don't think anyone is blaming the entire male population, and I do think it takes two people to make a relationship work. Each person brings their own thoughts, perceptions and baggage into a relationship. The point of this article is to show women how to identify some of their biggest mistakes, and how to hopefully mitigate them so you don't ruin your relationship.

      This begs your original question. You actually asked why we don't teach women to choose more wisely. I'm not sure that's a skill that can be taught. I do think women need to realize that what they choose is what they get. You can't marry someone and then try to change them into someone else. It's like getting a cat at the animal shelter, and then trying to teach it to fetch and sit and beg. It just won't happen. A cat is not a dog. Rather than get mad at the cat for not changing, one should pick a dog. Pick what you want the first time around, and save everyone the trouble.

      @Monica, It sounds like you've come upon a workable solution for you. Enjoy the convertible!

      Thanks to both of you for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Monica 

      14 months ago

      With all this being said, I am happily single with not the slightest desire to marry, converse, fraternize, or anything with anyone. No more marriage for me. I don't even care to date. Guess I'll buy a convertible and drive the rest of my life away!!!!!

    • profile image

      Peter 

      14 months ago

      Here's a question: in general, I believe when it comes to choosing a mate for marriage, the woman is the one who does the choosing. If women have this power then why can't we teach women to chose responsibly and carefully ? It seems easier to blame the male population OF THE ENTIRE PLANET, then to accept their own shortcomings... are women creating their own demise ?

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      15 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Redman, Thanks so much for your poignant comments. It sounds as though you are in a very difficult and painful relationship. Sometimes, we have a responsibility to protect and take care of ourselves, especially when our partner becomes abusive.

      Wishing you all the best,

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      don9ja 

      16 months ago

      Nice artie

    • profile image

      freddy 

      17 months ago

      my silly ex ticked all these boxes and left with the kids and probably her new boy friend who will definitely leave her.. I stayed for 15 years!!!

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      17 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      charlie0304, Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I appreciate your points. Constantly comparing only causes frustration and unrealistic expectations. And sitting on the couch, totally unengaged, is a great way to destroy any relationship. Hopefully you could share it as a constructive tool to improve your relationship, rather than something that would just irritate your partner. Best wishes for you,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      charlie0304 

      17 months ago

      male point of view here.. well written and I can relate completely. Not saying that men (me) are not guilty of contributing to some of these points, but wow, if you are looking for an awful marriage, these will do it for you. I will add a couple more that probably fit within the points previously stated... don't constantly compare yourself and how much you work (or don't) or have (or don't) or want or vacation.. with your friends, neighbors, etc. Never treat your spouse like just a paycheck. I could go on and on but the article really captures it. Just one more annoyance (however immaterial). Don't camp on the coach - while you have 'the notebook' on for the 20th time, while you are surfing your ipad... and not even offer to let your husband change the channel. I have not decided to share this yet with my keeper... i'll see. thx for reading.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      17 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Hi Karen,

      Not only should you honor your husband and your marriage, but also your own health. If it works for you to wake up three hours after you go to bed, then do that. If that isn't working for you, then together you could explore some different solutions. Perhaps you could have sex before you go to bed, or in the morning before heading to work. When you want to work things out, there is always a way to find a compromise that works for both of you.

      Thanks for reading,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      karen 

      18 months ago

      If my husband come to bed 3 hours after I went to bed, do I need to wake up to have sex with him? I want to honor him and our marriage, but I also want to get the sleep I need due to a medical condition.

    • profile image

      Anon 

      18 months ago

      If only I could show this to my wife without her being royally pissed off and possibly threatening with divorce... To quote "She does not see herself as sinful or wrong. " The wrong part here is to the point that I can even joke with her some about it.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      18 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Mwate, I am so glad you found this article. The truth is that we are each in control of our own lives and our own happiness. Thank you for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Mwate 

      18 months ago

      Great article, i truely agree with # 8..After reading i quickly shared it with my husband because i realised that every little thing makes me upset and makes me unhappy for days. Thanks for helping me realize that i am my own happiness.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      18 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      difficultdonna,

      Thanks for reading and for your question.

      The best suggestion I can offer is to first of all, speak your truth. Tell your husband the truth. He may not like it, but if speak your truth with kindness and love, then you honor Who You Really Are, you honor your husband, and you honor your relationship.

      Is there something he can do differently to make sex more appealing to you? Is there a compromise you can reach? Work together to reach a manageable solution, without anger, blame or resentment.

      Finally, let go of the past. It is over. Today is a new day. There is nothing you can do to change the past. Forgive yourself and move forward.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      difficultdonna 

      18 months ago

      how can someone change when they are still going through some very difficult times with their past and just recently dealt some hard health issues? I am with a man who wants to have sex multiple times a week. i am simply not in the mood....such a difficult situation. he gets so angry i cant take it....He is 56 and I am 52...advice?

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      19 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Darlene Lancer,

      Thank you for weighing in. You are absolutely right. To enter into a successful relationship requires that we have addressed our own issues first. This means coming into things with healthy self esteem.

      Until we are ready to take care of ourselves, we can never expect our needs to be met my someone else.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      19 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Craig,

      I agree completely. People can and do change. Change is the only certainty we have in life. Unfortunately, changing others to fit our own unrealistic expectations rarely, if ever, works.

      You hit the nail on the head. People have to be willing to work together.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Craig 

      19 months ago

      #10: People can and do change, but both parties have to be willing to change together and not expect that change should come from the other spouse!

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      19 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment upon the article. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Ocean is me 

      19 months ago

      Oddly enough... my husband does some of these to me. Lol

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      21 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Having been in an abusive marriage for nearly twenty years, I can definitely understand what you are saying.

      An abuser will never accept their role in the demise of a relationship. An abuser will always blame and cast aspersions.

      You have a choice about your life. If you are in an abusive relationship, then you can stay or you can go. It took me 19 years to get the courage to get out. If you choose to stay, realize that there will never be anything you can ever do to make him different.

      The only person you can control is yourself.

      Best of luck to you.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Susan Straney 

      21 months ago

      What if your husband puts you down, says hurtful things, expects sex, and then is angry when your not willing to (oh and your crying)? After reading this article I believe he thinks I withhold sex and "acts" unhappy to retaliate, but I truly am hurting emotionally. I have poured my heart out and have done everything I can think of to get him to try to understand how I feel when he says the things he does. This article in my opinion is just what he needed to again put me down for not measuring up to what he wants and denies what he has done to me. Trying counseling and so far we can't get to the root of the verbal and emotional abuse and he says there is no abuse. In my case, the article undermines feelings that a woman could be having, it's not always as simple as her just being mad about something and then playing games of withholding sex and acting unhappy.

    • profile image

      Pkcool 

      21 months ago

      Really, superb article. It is just a mirror. Only last point I may not agree that the character judgement of a man on the basis, whether he is watching porn or not. It happens many times, his partner dose not show willingness and he has to watch porn to calm down himself.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      21 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @TommyC, It sounds like you've had a bad experience and I'm sorry to hear that. Hope things go better for you and your family. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on the article.

      Gentleman, thank you for reading and commenting. Best wishes.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      23 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      soundofsilence, Thank you for taking the time to read the article, and to comment. I can empathize with your frustration.

      It is difficult to give and give, and get nothing in return. My best advice to you, in such circumstances, is to be open and honest. If you love him and he loves you, then you owe it to yourself and to your marriage to be honest. Tell him you feel lonely and abandoned. Tell him you need his time and attention. Tell him the truth.

      Perhaps he will hear your truth, and respond.

      I wish you the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      soundofsilence 

      23 months ago

      Ugh....this article is frustrating. Having first read your article "Top 10 Things that Men Do To Destroy Their Marriage," and my husband actively engaged in most of them, the reasons women may do these top 10 things is BECAUSE of what their man is doing! He is emotionally closed off, hardly talks to me about anything more in depth than the weather, works 12 hours a day, then sits on the couch with his phone or laptop, doesn't back me up with the kids, then asks if we can go "mess around" in the bedroom! Oh, okay! (not) Sorry, but I am not really "feelin' it." I feel lonely, disrespected and taken advantage of. That leads to "always feeling unhappy." See?? One behavior results in the other.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      23 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Gigi,

      I am so sorry to hear your struggles, and I can honestly say that I know how you feel. I know those feelings of resentment, frustration and loneliness. It is hard to bear, and being pregnant only exacerbates the problem.

      My best suggestion is to talk to your husband about how you really feel, at a time when his mental state isn't altered. Don't try to make him feel guilty, just share your heart. Tell him the truth. You owe it to yourself, to him and to your unborn child.

      Be honest, be open, and tell your truth. Unfortunately, it may not change anything. Remember that you can only control yourself, not him or anyone else. So ask for what you want.

      Start out by asking him to hold you and kiss you. You won't enjoy sex if you are filled with resentment, so address that first. Reconnect on a smaller level.

      I wish you the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Gigi 

      23 months ago

      I read both this one and the husband one, great articles, I'll probably send the links to my husband. I came across it in searching for how to make up for neglecting your spouse. My husband was unemployed for a few years, which effects every aspect of life, including our sex life. It's actually him that is neglecting my sexual needs, which feels very awkwardly backwards for me! Then finally he got two jobs and left me alone too much, picked up drinking and smoking pot, stopped helping me at home, and I had just gotten pregnant. He keeps saying he wants to fix it, get our sex life back, but the years of neglect are hard for me to just get over. I've been taking care of my sexual needs best I can by myself. My libido never dropped like his did, despite stress, isolation, and depression. I want to have sex with him but I need it to be good sex. I'm no longer okay with having mentally unstimulated quickies every time he's finally in the mood. Frankly, my own fantasies are better than what he's giving nowadays. When he does want to get interesting, add a toy or something, I'm too ridden with resentment to get into it, even though I do want it. It's hard to explain and I wish there was a way. I keep thinking if he could just say the right things, warm me up instead of going at it, go slow, and mentally stimulate me, then we'd have a good time, but he doesn't really know what to do, I don't feel like he puts enough thought into it, he just does what he likes to get himself off, and spelling it out for him ruins it on my end, and when he sees my unimpressed facial expressions it ruins it for him. Now I've got this big pregnant belly which makes sex harder, my favorite position is now painful, and honestly last time we had sex I wanted to cry because I wanted it so much, wanted to enjoy it and just couldn't. He's frustrated with me because in his mind he's trying to fix our sex life and sees me as being difficult about it. Yes it's his fault for creating this problem, but I also don't know how to get past it. I feel like, well I'm not a robot so I can't just snap back happily to how things used to be just because he's finally ready to try, he needs to earn that back somehow.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @ Sad Dude, I'm so sorry to hear of your plight. Although you have been committed, it sounds like you wife hasn't honored her own vows to you. That's sad.

      I would never advise anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. You have a choice. You can stay or go. If you are fully committed to staying, then you have a choice over your own perception of the relationship.

      You really only have control over your own thoughts and actions. There is nothing at all you can do to change someone else. You can only change your own thoughts and your own actions.

      I wish you the best on your journey.

      Thanks for reading and good luck,

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @more2lifethanjesus

      I don't think I have ever, in any situation, claimed that Jesus is the answer to people's problems. I do think a three way with Jesus would make an awesome blog, however.

      I think people should take responsibility for their own contribution to their problems.

      There are a lot of paths, none are better. They are just different.

      Thanks for the comment.

      Namaste.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @ man,

      If a woman closes up shop, then of course you have a choice to go elsewhere. However, you don't have control over the consequences of your own indiscretions. Perhaps you could exert some energy in creating an environment where your wife feels turned on by you, and wants to have sex with you.

      Good luck and thanks for the comment.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Michael, I'm not sure I would ever say that if someone is addicted to pornography (or addicted to anything else, for that matter) that they are addicted forever. What I am saying is that no one has control over anyone else, or their behavior. You cannot change an addict. Only the addict can determine if they want to change.

      I am suggesting that if you are married to an addict of any sort, you can only control yourself, and your choices need to be based on that fact.

      Thanks for reading, and for commenting.

      Namaste.

    • profile image

      deborah demander 

      2 years ago

      @sad dude,

      I am so sorry to hear about your plight.

      I'm sure you know that you can only control yourself. You have complete control over your thoughts, your emotions, and your actions.

      I would never advise anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. While you may have committed to death do you part, it sounds as though your wife has not honored her commitment to you.

      You are in control of your outcome. You choose how you want your life to look. If staying with this woman is what you choose, then you can choose internal peace, while she does her own thing. Truly, the only path to happiness is found inside ourselves.

      At some point, if you ever decide that you are worth more than this abusive behavior, perhaps you will choose a different path.

      I wish you the best on your journey.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Sad Dude 

      2 years ago

      This article hit me hard. I have been the brunt of my wife's criticism and disrepect and disconnect for the majority of our 20-plus years of marriage. While I admit to having flaws, I have tried to love, cherish, honor her with every fiber of my being only to have the exact opposite reciprocated back to me.

      How is it a wife can be given all the love in the world and to be the focus of his husband's heart and yet respond with such pain and hurt in return? My head spins daily wondering what I did to deserve such ugliness and unkindness from another human being.

      She has been so disconnected from me for years now that she rarely says an encouraging word to counter the criticism she has. She doesn't want to hold my hand, sit next to me on the couch, kiss me or hug me. She doesn't ever smile my direction or gaze into my eyes. She just stabs me in the heart over and over again.

      Any women out there who want to be loved and cherished for the rest of your life? My wife sure doesn't. Or at least not by me. She's already shown me how much she values me by having an emotional affair that I exposed last summer. And while she is still with me and we are going through counseling for the past year, she has barely changed a bit. Hundreds of dollars going down the drain weekly and she can't even sit by me or hold me or smile and look into my eyes.

      Guess I'll just continue to go through life unloved by this woman whom I swore I would love and honor until death do us part. I am committed even though there's nothing there. Just sadness, bitterness, resentment over the decision to marry her. I knew it was too good to be true and that I hit the jackpot with a woman who was drop-dead gorgeous, charming, outgoing and envied by my friends. Never marry someone who is so far above you on the human ladder that you spend your whole marriage being told that she should never have married you and why would a woman like that marry you? All it does is lead to heartbreak!

    • profile image

      More2LifeThanJesus 

      2 years ago

      If Jesus were in your marriage you would be in a three way. Don't think "Jesus" is the answer to "your" problems. Sorry.

    • profile image

      Man 

      2 years ago

      If you are closed, we still need to shop somewhere else.

    • profile image

      Michael 

      2 years ago

      I do not think it fair to state that, for instance if a man is addicted to pornography before marriage he will be addicted forever. That's simply not true

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      wmt13, I appreciate you reading and commenting on the article. I do not think women should pretend to be happy. My point is that often times, people, not just women, are miserable just for the sake of being miserable. Some people are mean, unkind, unhappy and rude, just because. They don't even need a reason. I am suggesting that rather than defaulting to misery mode, people, and women in particular, step outside of their comfort zone, and be happy.

      Happiness is a choice, regardless of the circumstances of your life. You can always choose happiness. That is my suggestion.

      Thanks for reading,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      wmt13 

      2 years ago

      While this is a great article, I must disagree with the being happy part. If there are struggles in your marriage, and your partner is a contributing factor to the issues but not resolve, no one should be expected to pretend and be happy. If there are real stresses, they are your partner and you work together through those stresses. The root cause of alot of unhappiness in women is the very opposite article you wrote to the men. You can pretend to be happy only so long when you feel utterly alone in your marriage, when the blame is turned on you and there is no sense of ownership. It is a two way street.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you for the additional comments, TheRealTruthOfAll.

      I agree that men and women do need to work together to have a successful marriage. Without cooperation and keeping the other's interests in mind, it is very difficult to have a strong marriage.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      TheRealTruthOfAll 

      2 years ago

      What i really said with my last comment is very much the truth since the times today as you can see are so much different than it was back then which Both men and women really had it very Tough. Many marriages did last a very long time which today many marriages are failing Unfortunately which is real sad. Like i mentioned with my last comment is that with so many Career women nowadays are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, and very money hungry as well since it is all about them which definitely has caused many marriages to fall apart when Both men and women should work hard together to keep their marriage going which they really Don't. So as you can really see that the times today does have a lot to do with it. My aunt and uncle just celebrated their 68th year together which many marriages today Unfortunately Don't even last 10 years anymore. For many of us Good Single men which i do speak for others that really had hoped to meet a Good woman to settle down with which the women of today are really to Blame for our Singleness since Most women today really do want the Best and will Never settle for Less at all. Thank you very much for your support. Peace.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you, TheRealTruthOfAll, for reading and commenting. While I do agree that it is hard to find real love, and challenging to have a lasting relationship, I believe that men and women both are responsible to make things work.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      TheRealTruthOfAll 

      2 years ago

      Well many women that have their Careers nowadays have really Destroyed many of us Good men already and Unfortunately continue to do so because of their Greed And Selfishness that they carry around with them Everywhere they go since they really want the Best and will Not settle for Less. Many marriages have broken up over this already and many more will since these women want it all right now which many of them have left their families over this which makes it very sad how the women of today have really Changed for the Worst. Most of the Good old fashioned women of years ago i would say were the Best compared to the women of today that really Don't give a damn. This is a very Excellent Reason why many of us Good men are still Single today which the women out there are really to Blame especially with all those Feminists that are now out there. When you compare the women of years ago that really had to Struggle along with their men to make ends meat which it was very Rough for them in those days since they Hardly had any money at all since they had to live with their Parents too. Quite a Change in the women of today compared to the early days when our family members were very Fortunate finding Love with one another back then which today for many of us Good men that are still Single it is very Difficult finding Love today. Too bad many of us men that really wanted to meet a Good woman to settle down with that we Weren't Born back then which it really Would Have made a big difference in our life.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      fatkidontherocks,

      Thanks so much for your thoughtful insight.

      I couldn't agree more.

      Things do change when you get married. And you must make sex a priority. Especially women. Most women don't need sex, the way men do, and so they must make an effort to take care of that need. But once you get going, it's pleasurable for both.

      I think your statement about sex being the last thing on either person's mind, after a long day at work, is right on the money. That's why I go to bed naked. First, so that my husband and I can be close, even if we aren't having sex, and second, so that if during the night or early in the morning, we can have an unexpected interaction.

      Weekend mornings are a great time to take the time to really turn each other on, and enjoy being together.

      As for the books you suggest, they are both excellent resources, and I would highly recommend them to anyone who is married.

      Thanks again for reading and for writing.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      fatkidontherocks 

      2 years ago

      When your married friends tell you that marriage is tough and that it isn’t going to be everything you ever expected, you should probably listen to their advice. I thought “Nah that’s not going to be me. My woman is great.” I’ve been married for 16 years and have three children (6, 8, & 10). My wife loves me very much; however, she is a task-oriented person and runs her life off of a schedule. It’s great for the children, because it sets expectations throughout their day. But, when it comes to sex, it’s an afterthought. I can set my clock by when she’s in the mood. It’s between 9pm when she’s finally calmed down from household chores and taking care of children to 10pm when she falls asleep. Why is it that I feel like a chore? Because that’s all she’s done all day long from 6am when she wakes up to do her exercise routine to 10pm when she goes to sleep. I would suspect that this is the way it is with many couples. We’ve managed to break up the routine a little, but I know that I’m still penciled in from 9pm-10pm, that’s if she doesn’t fall asleep first.

      It’s unrealistic to require your man to put you in the mood, even if you are great communicators. When he has to work for sex, he’s going to give up trying. I know I would. It shouldn’t be a chore. It should really be about two people who mutually want to satisfy each other and really enjoy it. When you’re exhausted at 9pm at night and all you want to do is sleep or relax, sex is really the last thing on your mind and his too. He needs sex, like he needs to eat. Not as frequent, but it is an essential need.

      One more thing I want to share, and I can bet just about every man can agree with me, although most women I’ve talked to disagree. When a woman wears pajama pants to bed, it signals to the man that sex is not on the menu for the night, she’s not in the mood.

      Things will change once you are married, count on it. There are two books that I’ve read that were helpful and you should read them too. The first one is Love and Respect, the second one is His Needs Her Needs. Couples counseling both before and after you two say I do, should be incorporated into your relationship. No matter how great of communicators you think you are, you two speak a different language.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Ricky and Dan, Thank you both for reading and for taking the time to comment.

      Ricky, I will check out your blog. Good luck with your book.

      Dan, I went back and re-read number 5, and I will stand by what I wrote. I am not suggesting that a woman should put out, regardless of the mood she is in. What I am saying is that withholding affection and intimacy is a dangerous weapon and should not be employed against your spouse. Women often use sex or rather, withhold sex from their partner, in order to teach a lesson or elicit certain behavior. I think this is wrong.

      Hope that makes more sense.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Dan 

      2 years ago

      Not sure I agree with #5, I saw a previous reply you had about a similar concern but I don't think you really answered the concern that person (and I pose). So what I'm getting from #5 is that regardless "what mood" she is in she should just be intimate with her husband. Not sure about most guys but I can tell if my wife is into it or not and when's she's not its a major turn off. Personally I'd rather not do it then do it and she's not interested at all.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Valerie,

      Thanks for adding additional food for thought to the conversation. I have been married three times. The first time, I was only a sex object to my much older husband. It was humiliating and degrading. The second time, my husband tried to teach me that there are more important aspects to a relationship than just the physical ones. He would withhold sex and affection from me, if he felt I had behaved in a manner in which he did not approve.

      For the record, I love sex, in spite of these experiences. This time around, I have married a man who is not twenty years my senior, but who is my age, and who shares my intense sex drive. We don't argue about sex. We just enjoy each other immensely.

      I wish you the best, in life and in relationships. Thanks again for your comments.

      Namaste

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