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Top 10 Things Women Do To Destroy Their Marriage

Updated on June 16, 2016
Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah is a writer, healer, and teacher. Her goal is to help people live their best lives everyday by sharing her joy and love of life.

Wives bear as much responsibility as husbands. We have the power to make a home, or break it.

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How we hurt our husbands

Creating a hostile environment can make everyone uncomfortable and destroy your marriage.

While both husband and wife should take responsibility for their part in a marriage, below are ten mistakes common to women, which can completely destroy a marriage. When women exercise the following behaviors, it can create a hostile environment, where no one feels safe or comfortable.

It is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. So, while this list below may seen daunting, always remember that. If life is stressful, then work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek the things that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.


1. Using words to hurt, maim and destroy your marriage

Although men are stronger physically, women have the advantage when it comes to verbal acumen. On average, women speak nearly three times more than men. The average female ends her day having spoken nearly 20,000 words, while her husband, boss, friend or partner has had his say with about 7,000. Women are talkers and have learned how to use words for the most effectiveness.

Women are adept at brandishing the sharpest words in order to shame, demean and belittle their man. Words are like toothpaste. Once they are out, there is no getting them back in. Regardless of how sorry you are afterward, the damage has been done. All the sorries in the world will never take back the sting of your angry words, once you have unleashed them on your hapless husband.

Rather than use your words as a weapon, use them as a healing balm to comfort, encourage and uplift your husband. And as grandma always used to say, "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all."

2. Having unrealistic expectations

Seeking fulfillment from one person, and projecting your unhappiness onto him when he doesn't measure up will quickly destroy your marriage. If you feel unhappy, first examine reality. You will be happier if you shape your expectations to fit the reality of your situation. Expecting your spouse or children to make you happy is unrealistic. Make yourself happy.

Imagine if you could only have one friend for your entire life. Would that work for you? Most women have several friends, who fill several roles. We have a friend with whom we like to go shopping. One friend likes to work out with us. One friend leads a bible study. One friend loves to have coffee on Wednesday mornings.

Each person in your life fulfills a different and important role. None is more important, they are just different. If you expect your husband to complete you and bring you eternal happiness, not only are you setting him up for failure, but you are also setting yourself up for disappointment.

Rather than look to one person to fulfill your every need, try expanding your circle of influence, to include a variety of people, who fill your life with different blessings. And most of all, look to yourself. Find ways to feel complete and happy with who you are as a person. First, seek to find you own happiness, within yourself. And then, rather than look to someone else to complete you, find ways to complement each other's lives.

3. Using sarcastic and critical statements, gestures, and facial expressions

This is a quick and easy way to show your husband that you don't respect him or his opinion. Men can become overwhelmed by the barrage of criticism coming at them. The result is they shut down, withdraw, and seek kindness and approval elsewhere.

Have you ever experienced someone discounting what you have to say, without actually listening to you? When you are critical or sarcastic with your husband, he feels attacked and unvalued. Listen to him, without adding your two cents worth. If you'd like to ask questions, wait until he stops talking. Don't interrupt with a story about how the dog threw-up on the carpet. Let him have a few minutes to be the center of your attention. And if you absolutely must get dinner made, invite him to join you in the kitchen. Tell him that you would like to hear about the rest of his day, and mean it.

Another way to show disrespect is to roll your eyes or make sarcastic facial expressions. These are just as irritating for your husband, as they are for you when your teen-aged daughter does it. There is no need to be rude, even if you've been married forever. It is more important to give him your attention, to look at him and to listen, than it is to roll your eyes or shake your head in exasperation. You are trying to build a bond, not destroy the man you love.

Why your spouse may irritate you

4. Criticize him, make fun of him and belittle him to your friends and family

When you criticize and belittle your husband, you not only diminish your husband in your eyes, but you also poison those closest to you. You force them to take sides, and of course they choose your side, because they want to be loyal to you. Your friends and family don't live at your house. They don't see what goes on day after day. They don't see the good things your husband does. The only view they have of your husband is the one that you present to them. If you are constantly badmouthing and belittling him, then they will view him as a bad partner for you.

After you speak badly about him, they will never look at your husband the same. Even when you get over your tirade, and everything is great at home, they will still be mad at him. Your friends and family members want to protect you from danger and harm. If you are constantly referring to your husband in a negative light, then they will want to protect you and your children from this monster you married, even if he isn't really a monster.

When you speak poorly of your spouse, your close friendships and relationships will remain irreparably altered against your husband, in time, this can destroy your marriage. He will never understand why your friends don't like him, and why your mother is mean to him.

Rather than trying to make excuses, don't start down that path. When you speak of your husband, use uplifting, encouraging words. If he is acting like a jerk, you don't need to gush about it to everyone you know. Your constant complaints against him will create a wall between your husband and your friends, that he can never overcome.

5. Withhold affection and sex

This can cause a huge rift in your marriage, whether you realize it or not. Men are wired differently than women. Your husband needs physical release through sexual intimacy. It is not just something he is demanding of you, it is something he needs, physiologically speaking.

When you refuse to meet his need for physical release, you are making a much deeper statement; you do not care about or respect his needs. This is not about whether you like or dislike sex. It is much more important than that. Your spouse needs to connect with you on a physical level, whether you are in the mood or not.

As much as you need emotional release and closeness, he is wired to need physical release and closeness. Neither is wrong. You are just different. While you want your emotional needs met, it is important not to lose sight of his needs. Think of it this way; what if he stopped talking to you for three days? How about a week? What if he didn't talk to you for an entire month? Unconscionable, right? Likewise, it is unfair for you to cut him off from what he needs. You are in a relationship with a man you love, and you expect your needs to be met. In the same way, you need to meet his needs, regardless of whether you share the same needs and desires.


Tips to Save Your Marriage

6. Disrespecting his insight, opinions and advice

Men and women are different on many levels. Men are fixers. By nature, if you present a problem, he will come up with concrete steps to solve the problem. When you are dismissive, it sends the message that you do not value him. When you come to your husband with a problem or a concern, be ready for him to create an action plan to resolve your conflict. It may not be exactly what you would do, but he is offering a solution. The least you can do is listen to his suggestion, and thank him for his input. Before you reject his idea out of hand, take some time to consider what his opinion. Think about what he said. You don't have to do everything he suggests, but listen and think about it.

If you just want to bitch and complain, call a girlfriend. Girlfriends are great listeners. They will not try to fix you. Women like to talk things out, without being fixed. Sometimes you just need an ear to listen, not a solution. When that is the case, perhaps your husband isn't the person to approach.

If you must whine at your husband, tell him upfront that you don't require a solution, just an ear to hear. He will still offer suggestions, but if you tell him, before you begin your rant, that you don't need an answer, just to vent, then he won't be offended when you don't take his advice. And sometimes, you could surprise him and actually follow his advice. It might just work.

7. Undermining his authority, but demanding he take full responsibility

In any organization, there must be a leader, someone in charge. The head over the whole organization, who says, "The buck stops here." Typically, the person who carries the responsibility ought to be the one who has the final say. Families and relationships are much like any other organization. There must be someone in charge, someone who will take full responsibility when things go wrong, and someone that everyone can turn to.

You, of course, are welcome to take that role, if you are willing to be fully responsible when the chips are down. It is easy to be critical of the person in charge, and it is easy to think that you could do a better job. The hard part comes when it is time to take responsibility. Rather than making decisions without regard for your husband's input, and then blaming him when things don't work out, try instead to work together. You can decide together how things should be done, and you can offer him the final say when decisions need to be made.

Don't become so focused on your own feelings and fears (i.e. I'm afraid he'll make a bad decision. I feel like I make better decisions) to override his feelings and fears (i.e. I am responsible to take care of the family. I'm afraid no one in the family respects me.) Be gracious in light of his decision making. You can respectfully disagree with a decision without attacking his ability to lead.

8. Never being happy

One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to spend all your time acting miserable and unhappy. The goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. It is to this end that you have an obligation to be happy. If the goal is to be happily married, it is up to you to exercise self control. Only you can make yourself happy. If you believe that your happiness comes from other people or having things or external circumstances, then you will never be happy. You are in charge of your happiness. It is a decision. You can choose to be a miserable, unhappy grouch, or you can suck it up, pull your boots on and show up in your marriage as the person you'd like to be.

There is no need to express every angry, bitter or resentful thought. Everybody gets pissed off, frustrated and irritated. There isn't anyone to blame. You are choosing to respond to your circumstances with that attitude. You can choose a different path. By owning your own problems, you can take responsibility for your own happiness. Each day, work on bringing your best self into the relationship. Regardless of what happens, you are only one thought away from peace.

Remind yourself every day, I can see peace instead of this. And then, work to see the peace that is available to you.

9. Demoralizing him and crushing his spirit

If asked, most men believe their wives to be more moral and spiritual than themselves. Often, the wife agrees. She does not see herself as sinful or wrong. She feels her greatest "sins" lie in being deeply disappointed by her husband's failures and her children's shortcomings. Beyond this, wives typically admit to bad behavior and attitudes, but attribute it to hormones, chemical imbalances and a dysfunctional childhood.

Woe to the husband who dares suggest his lovely bride could use improvement in some aspect of her life. Labeled a heartless, uncaring, unrighteous lout, he is silenced by an angered, wounded wife, cloaked in self-righteous indignation. She then feels perfectly justified in attacking every flaw, magnifying every misstep and pointing out every failure, until he feels ashamed for living. You are not your husbands Holy Spirit. Stop trying to correct every little flaw you perceive in his character and set about removing the blinding plank from your own eye.

Of course, everyone makes mistakes. You can build him up or tear him down. The choice belongs entirely to you.

10. Picking the wrong man

You repeat the pattern again. And again. You meet a man. You like him. You start dating. Then you begin to notice the tiny flaws. The chinks in his armor. He yells, just like your dad did. He drinks and becomes abusive. He is mean to your kids. "It's o.k., " you tell yourself, "I'll fix him after we get married."

Stop right there. There is no fixing it. The man you date will be the same man after you are married. Inherently kind? He'll still be kind. Addicted to pornography? He'll still be addicted. You cannot change the basic nature of other people. You cannot love them into changing. You cannot nag or pout or complain them into changing. If the relationship feels unhealthy during dating, getting married will not fix it. He will not magically become more responsible, more reliable, or more loving after you marry him. So if you want a good husband, find a good man, date him, and marry him.

While this list may seem daunting, it is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. If life is stressful, work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek those thing that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.

Namaste Friends


This material is copyrighted by Deborah Demander and may not be reproduced without written permission from the author.

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      Muthuri Akifa 5 days ago

      Great article. I am at the tail end of a 15 year marriage. The last few years have been pretty difficult because she just stopped being affectionate. Sex was just part of it. No hugs, no asking after me, impatience with me when I want to hold her, falling asleep AS SHE WAS GETTING INTO BED...I could go on and on. It was a difficult time also because of mounting financial pressure and running a start up. I tried so many different things to become better but got cut no slack. Even marriage counseling didn't help. Soon I ran out of gas and became suicidal. Eventually, after therapy and getting better control on my mental health, I recently told her I'm moving out. Affection, affirmation, acknoweldgement, and acceptance. I died slowly from lack of these. Deeply saddened by how things have turned out but also deeply relieved.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 6 weeks ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @CJ, Thanks for taking the time to read the article, and to articulate a well thought out comment. I appreciate your time and insight. We are all better partners when we try to remember that no one is perfect, and everyone has some bad days. And I like your approach to educating yourself. Something we should do throughout our lives. Best to you,

      Namaste

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      CJ 6 weeks ago

      Good stuff! I've been married to my wife for 11 years now and we have 3 gorgeous daughters. I find the truth is the underlyning theme of the article. Control what you can control and take a positive approach initially in any situation. Pointing fingers at each other earlier in our marriage was a result of inexperience and youthful nonsense. As we have have bother move on from this we have discovered that you have good days and bad days. Learning to control your emotions in the heat of the moment, and looking at both point of views takes patients. Just like anything else repetitive in your life you will get better. My only addition is a bit of an old cliche. To the women who have taken the time to read the 10 things I applaud you. Guys, don't just read this article and shy step away from the 10 things we could improve on. I'm 40 years old and have found peace and happiness through educating myself on well thought out books and article such as this one. Look in the mirror it may speak volumes of truth! Remember, this is t a game this is your life partner, mother to your children, and beautiful lady who choose to spend her life with you! If the goal is to win the argument always then soon you will have nobody else to beat but yourself. These of course are my feeling, words, and life lessons that have applied to my situation. We all have different things to share so please take it for what it's worth. Thanks.

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      The Truth 6 weeks ago

      Well with most women sleeping around all the time with different men which will be the main reason.

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      IeuanD 8 weeks ago

      - I guess the best you can do is speak your truth with kindness and love. She probably won't change until she decides to -

      That sums it up. Competitiveness is fine for the individual but screws up any co-operative relation.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 2 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @LeuanD, thank you for taking the time to read this article and comment on it. It sounds like you are in a no win situation. I guess the best you can do is speak your truth with kindness and love. She probably won't change until she decides to, so you can make the situation bearable for you, whatever that looks like. Wishing you the best.

      Namaste

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      IeuanD 2 months ago

      Thank you for that the article. It so accurately described my wife. I'd love to show it to her but I'm certain she would deny she behaves like that and turn it round to put more blame on me.

      She has the knack of twisting my actions and responses, no matter how positive or helpful I think they are, to being against her. It seems to be her way or the wrong way.

      The worse is her absolutely certainty she is right when she clearly isn't. And even then I get blamed for either not asserting myself or not knowing she didn't know.

      Her answer to any suggestion is always no. She has a better idea, even if it turns out disastrously. When I challenge her about it, it becomes my fault for not understanding or listening. She has to be in charge and will take over. She can not behave participatively as that would mean she is not in charge.

      Her games wear me out. But she doesn't see it.

      Thank you for reading.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 2 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Billy, Thanks for reading and commenting. Best wishes to you.

      @clemson120: The most important part of a relationship is good communication. It sounds like her attacks are mean, and coming from a place of anger, rather than constructive criticism. What is she so angry about? It sounds like you are unfairly criticized and attacked. Until you get to the root of her resentment, it is unlikely you will be able to do anything right. Remember, you can only control yourself and your own behavior. Best of luck to you,

      warmest regards,

      Namaste

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      clemson120 2 months ago

      My wife does 1,2,3,4,6,8,9 :/

      Don't really know how to talk to her about it either. She never cares about what I do, just focuses on what I don't do.

      I work full time while she stays at home with our 4 month old. I work, cook dinner, hold our daughter bc she is tired of holding her, clean off the dinner table, change the diapers, and help rock our daughter until she falls asleep. My wife then will complain that the dishes aren't done, the house isn't clean, the grass is cut more than once a week if it's growing fast, etc. And that she couldn't do any of it bc she didn't feel like it or bc our daughter was fussy that day

      Then if she wants to go out for a couple hours while i watch our daughter and comes home and i havent cleaned the house from head to toe then i am lazy and didnt do anything. She constantly tells me that I do nothing to help her around the house and tells her family the same

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      Billy 2 months ago

      I do like your article ànd my wife need to read this because I read the 10 thing a man dose and both are good.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 3 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Say What,

      Thanks for your interesting and insightful comments. It sounds like you have had some pretty rough experiences with women. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on the article. I wish you the best,

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Peter, you ask an interesting question. Why don't women choose better partners? I don't think anyone is blaming the entire male population, and I do think it takes two people to make a relationship work. Each person brings their own thoughts, perceptions and baggage into a relationship. The point of this article is to show women how to identify some of their biggest mistakes, and how to hopefully mitigate them so you don't ruin your relationship.

      This begs your original question. You actually asked why we don't teach women to choose more wisely. I'm not sure that's a skill that can be taught. I do think women need to realize that what they choose is what they get. You can't marry someone and then try to change them into someone else. It's like getting a cat at the animal shelter, and then trying to teach it to fetch and sit and beg. It just won't happen. A cat is not a dog. Rather than get mad at the cat for not changing, one should pick a dog. Pick what you want the first time around, and save everyone the trouble.

      @Monica, It sounds like you've come upon a workable solution for you. Enjoy the convertible!

      Thanks to both of you for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

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      Monica 4 months ago

      With all this being said, I am happily single with not the slightest desire to marry, converse, fraternize, or anything with anyone. No more marriage for me. I don't even care to date. Guess I'll buy a convertible and drive the rest of my life away!!!!!

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      Peter 4 months ago

      Here's a question: in general, I believe when it comes to choosing a mate for marriage, the woman is the one who does the choosing. If women have this power then why can't we teach women to chose responsibly and carefully ? It seems easier to blame the male population OF THE ENTIRE PLANET, then to accept their own shortcomings... are women creating their own demise ?

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 5 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Redman, Thanks so much for your poignant comments. It sounds as though you are in a very difficult and painful relationship. Sometimes, we have a responsibility to protect and take care of ourselves, especially when our partner becomes abusive.

      Wishing you all the best,

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 6 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

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      don9ja 6 months ago

      Nice artie

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      freddy 7 months ago

      my silly ex ticked all these boxes and left with the kids and probably her new boy friend who will definitely leave her.. I stayed for 15 years!!!

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 7 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      charlie0304, Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I appreciate your points. Constantly comparing only causes frustration and unrealistic expectations. And sitting on the couch, totally unengaged, is a great way to destroy any relationship. Hopefully you could share it as a constructive tool to improve your relationship, rather than something that would just irritate your partner. Best wishes for you,

      Namaste

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      charlie0304 7 months ago

      male point of view here.. well written and I can relate completely. Not saying that men (me) are not guilty of contributing to some of these points, but wow, if you are looking for an awful marriage, these will do it for you. I will add a couple more that probably fit within the points previously stated... don't constantly compare yourself and how much you work (or don't) or have (or don't) or want or vacation.. with your friends, neighbors, etc. Never treat your spouse like just a paycheck. I could go on and on but the article really captures it. Just one more annoyance (however immaterial). Don't camp on the coach - while you have 'the notebook' on for the 20th time, while you are surfing your ipad... and not even offer to let your husband change the channel. I have not decided to share this yet with my keeper... i'll see. thx for reading.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 7 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Hi Karen,

      Not only should you honor your husband and your marriage, but also your own health. If it works for you to wake up three hours after you go to bed, then do that. If that isn't working for you, then together you could explore some different solutions. Perhaps you could have sex before you go to bed, or in the morning before heading to work. When you want to work things out, there is always a way to find a compromise that works for both of you.

      Thanks for reading,

      Namaste

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      karen 7 months ago

      If my husband come to bed 3 hours after I went to bed, do I need to wake up to have sex with him? I want to honor him and our marriage, but I also want to get the sleep I need due to a medical condition.

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      Anon 8 months ago

      If only I could show this to my wife without her being royally pissed off and possibly threatening with divorce... To quote "She does not see herself as sinful or wrong. " The wrong part here is to the point that I can even joke with her some about it.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 8 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Mwate, I am so glad you found this article. The truth is that we are each in control of our own lives and our own happiness. Thank you for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

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      Mwate 8 months ago

      Great article, i truely agree with # 8..After reading i quickly shared it with my husband because i realised that every little thing makes me upset and makes me unhappy for days. Thanks for helping me realize that i am my own happiness.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 8 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      difficultdonna,

      Thanks for reading and for your question.

      The best suggestion I can offer is to first of all, speak your truth. Tell your husband the truth. He may not like it, but if speak your truth with kindness and love, then you honor Who You Really Are, you honor your husband, and you honor your relationship.

      Is there something he can do differently to make sex more appealing to you? Is there a compromise you can reach? Work together to reach a manageable solution, without anger, blame or resentment.

      Finally, let go of the past. It is over. Today is a new day. There is nothing you can do to change the past. Forgive yourself and move forward.

      Namaste

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      difficultdonna 8 months ago

      how can someone change when they are still going through some very difficult times with their past and just recently dealt some hard health issues? I am with a man who wants to have sex multiple times a week. i am simply not in the mood....such a difficult situation. he gets so angry i cant take it....He is 56 and I am 52...advice?

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 9 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Darlene Lancer,

      Thank you for weighing in. You are absolutely right. To enter into a successful relationship requires that we have addressed our own issues first. This means coming into things with healthy self esteem.

      Until we are ready to take care of ourselves, we can never expect our needs to be met my someone else.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 9 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Craig,

      I agree completely. People can and do change. Change is the only certainty we have in life. Unfortunately, changing others to fit our own unrealistic expectations rarely, if ever, works.

      You hit the nail on the head. People have to be willing to work together.

      Namaste

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      Craig 9 months ago

      #10: People can and do change, but both parties have to be willing to change together and not expect that change should come from the other spouse!

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 9 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment upon the article. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

      Namaste

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      Ocean is me 9 months ago

      Oddly enough... my husband does some of these to me. Lol

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 11 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Having been in an abusive marriage for nearly twenty years, I can definitely understand what you are saying.

      An abuser will never accept their role in the demise of a relationship. An abuser will always blame and cast aspersions.

      You have a choice about your life. If you are in an abusive relationship, then you can stay or you can go. It took me 19 years to get the courage to get out. If you choose to stay, realize that there will never be anything you can ever do to make him different.

      The only person you can control is yourself.

      Best of luck to you.

      Namaste

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      Susan Straney 11 months ago

      What if your husband puts you down, says hurtful things, expects sex, and then is angry when your not willing to (oh and your crying)? After reading this article I believe he thinks I withhold sex and "acts" unhappy to retaliate, but I truly am hurting emotionally. I have poured my heart out and have done everything I can think of to get him to try to understand how I feel when he says the things he does. This article in my opinion is just what he needed to again put me down for not measuring up to what he wants and denies what he has done to me. Trying counseling and so far we can't get to the root of the verbal and emotional abuse and he says there is no abuse. In my case, the article undermines feelings that a woman could be having, it's not always as simple as her just being mad about something and then playing games of withholding sex and acting unhappy.

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      Pkcool 11 months ago

      Really, superb article. It is just a mirror. Only last point I may not agree that the character judgement of a man on the basis, whether he is watching porn or not. It happens many times, his partner dose not show willingness and he has to watch porn to calm down himself.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 11 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @TommyC, It sounds like you've had a bad experience and I'm sorry to hear that. Hope things go better for you and your family. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on the article.

      Gentleman, thank you for reading and commenting. Best wishes.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 13 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      soundofsilence, Thank you for taking the time to read the article, and to comment. I can empathize with your frustration.

      It is difficult to give and give, and get nothing in return. My best advice to you, in such circumstances, is to be open and honest. If you love him and he loves you, then you owe it to yourself and to your marriage to be honest. Tell him you feel lonely and abandoned. Tell him you need his time and attention. Tell him the truth.

      Perhaps he will hear your truth, and respond.

      I wish you the best.

      Namaste

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      soundofsilence 13 months ago

      Ugh....this article is frustrating. Having first read your article "Top 10 Things that Men Do To Destroy Their Marriage," and my husband actively engaged in most of them, the reasons women may do these top 10 things is BECAUSE of what their man is doing! He is emotionally closed off, hardly talks to me about anything more in depth than the weather, works 12 hours a day, then sits on the couch with his phone or laptop, doesn't back me up with the kids, then asks if we can go "mess around" in the bedroom! Oh, okay! (not) Sorry, but I am not really "feelin' it." I feel lonely, disrespected and taken advantage of. That leads to "always feeling unhappy." See?? One behavior results in the other.

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      Deborah Demander 13 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Gigi,

      I am so sorry to hear your struggles, and I can honestly say that I know how you feel. I know those feelings of resentment, frustration and loneliness. It is hard to bear, and being pregnant only exacerbates the problem.

      My best suggestion is to talk to your husband about how you really feel, at a time when his mental state isn't altered. Don't try to make him feel guilty, just share your heart. Tell him the truth. You owe it to yourself, to him and to your unborn child.

      Be honest, be open, and tell your truth. Unfortunately, it may not change anything. Remember that you can only control yourself, not him or anyone else. So ask for what you want.

      Start out by asking him to hold you and kiss you. You won't enjoy sex if you are filled with resentment, so address that first. Reconnect on a smaller level.

      I wish you the best.

      Namaste

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      Gigi 13 months ago

      I read both this one and the husband one, great articles, I'll probably send the links to my husband. I came across it in searching for how to make up for neglecting your spouse. My husband was unemployed for a few years, which effects every aspect of life, including our sex life. It's actually him that is neglecting my sexual needs, which feels very awkwardly backwards for me! Then finally he got two jobs and left me alone too much, picked up drinking and smoking pot, stopped helping me at home, and I had just gotten pregnant. He keeps saying he wants to fix it, get our sex life back, but the years of neglect are hard for me to just get over. I've been taking care of my sexual needs best I can by myself. My libido never dropped like his did, despite stress, isolation, and depression. I want to have sex with him but I need it to be good sex. I'm no longer okay with having mentally unstimulated quickies every time he's finally in the mood. Frankly, my own fantasies are better than what he's giving nowadays. When he does want to get interesting, add a toy or something, I'm too ridden with resentment to get into it, even though I do want it. It's hard to explain and I wish there was a way. I keep thinking if he could just say the right things, warm me up instead of going at it, go slow, and mentally stimulate me, then we'd have a good time, but he doesn't really know what to do, I don't feel like he puts enough thought into it, he just does what he likes to get himself off, and spelling it out for him ruins it on my end, and when he sees my unimpressed facial expressions it ruins it for him. Now I've got this big pregnant belly which makes sex harder, my favorite position is now painful, and honestly last time we had sex I wanted to cry because I wanted it so much, wanted to enjoy it and just couldn't. He's frustrated with me because in his mind he's trying to fix our sex life and sees me as being difficult about it. Yes it's his fault for creating this problem, but I also don't know how to get past it. I feel like, well I'm not a robot so I can't just snap back happily to how things used to be just because he's finally ready to try, he needs to earn that back somehow.

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      Deborah Demander 14 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @ Sad Dude, I'm so sorry to hear of your plight. Although you have been committed, it sounds like you wife hasn't honored her own vows to you. That's sad.

      I would never advise anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. You have a choice. You can stay or go. If you are fully committed to staying, then you have a choice over your own perception of the relationship.

      You really only have control over your own thoughts and actions. There is nothing at all you can do to change someone else. You can only change your own thoughts and your own actions.

      I wish you the best on your journey.

      Thanks for reading and good luck,

      Namaste

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      Deborah Demander 14 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @more2lifethanjesus

      I don't think I have ever, in any situation, claimed that Jesus is the answer to people's problems. I do think a three way with Jesus would make an awesome blog, however.

      I think people should take responsibility for their own contribution to their problems.

      There are a lot of paths, none are better. They are just different.

      Thanks for the comment.

      Namaste.

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      Deborah Demander 14 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @ man,

      If a woman closes up shop, then of course you have a choice to go elsewhere. However, you don't have control over the consequences of your own indiscretions. Perhaps you could exert some energy in creating an environment where your wife feels turned on by you, and wants to have sex with you.

      Good luck and thanks for the comment.

      Namaste

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      Deborah Demander 14 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Michael, I'm not sure I would ever say that if someone is addicted to pornography (or addicted to anything else, for that matter) that they are addicted forever. What I am saying is that no one has control over anyone else, or their behavior. You cannot change an addict. Only the addict can determine if they want to change.

      I am suggesting that if you are married to an addict of any sort, you can only control yourself, and your choices need to be based on that fact.

      Thanks for reading, and for commenting.

      Namaste.

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      deborah demander 14 months ago

      @sad dude,

      I am so sorry to hear about your plight.

      I'm sure you know that you can only control yourself. You have complete control over your thoughts, your emotions, and your actions.

      I would never advise anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. While you may have committed to death do you part, it sounds as though your wife has not honored her commitment to you.

      You are in control of your outcome. You choose how you want your life to look. If staying with this woman is what you choose, then you can choose internal peace, while she does her own thing. Truly, the only path to happiness is found inside ourselves.

      At some point, if you ever decide that you are worth more than this abusive behavior, perhaps you will choose a different path.

      I wish you the best on your journey.

      Namaste

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      Sad Dude 14 months ago

      This article hit me hard. I have been the brunt of my wife's criticism and disrepect and disconnect for the majority of our 20-plus years of marriage. While I admit to having flaws, I have tried to love, cherish, honor her with every fiber of my being only to have the exact opposite reciprocated back to me.

      How is it a wife can be given all the love in the world and to be the focus of his husband's heart and yet respond with such pain and hurt in return? My head spins daily wondering what I did to deserve such ugliness and unkindness from another human being.

      She has been so disconnected from me for years now that she rarely says an encouraging word to counter the criticism she has. She doesn't want to hold my hand, sit next to me on the couch, kiss me or hug me. She doesn't ever smile my direction or gaze into my eyes. She just stabs me in the heart over and over again.

      Any women out there who want to be loved and cherished for the rest of your life? My wife sure doesn't. Or at least not by me. She's already shown me how much she values me by having an emotional affair that I exposed last summer. And while she is still with me and we are going through counseling for the past year, she has barely changed a bit. Hundreds of dollars going down the drain weekly and she can't even sit by me or hold me or smile and look into my eyes.

      Guess I'll just continue to go through life unloved by this woman whom I swore I would love and honor until death do us part. I am committed even though there's nothing there. Just sadness, bitterness, resentment over the decision to marry her. I knew it was too good to be true and that I hit the jackpot with a woman who was drop-dead gorgeous, charming, outgoing and envied by my friends. Never marry someone who is so far above you on the human ladder that you spend your whole marriage being told that she should never have married you and why would a woman like that marry you? All it does is lead to heartbreak!

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      More2LifeThanJesus 14 months ago

      If Jesus were in your marriage you would be in a three way. Don't think "Jesus" is the answer to "your" problems. Sorry.

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      Man 15 months ago

      If you are closed, we still need to shop somewhere else.

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      Michael 15 months ago

      I do not think it fair to state that, for instance if a man is addicted to pornography before marriage he will be addicted forever. That's simply not true

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      Deborah Demander 16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      wmt13, I appreciate you reading and commenting on the article. I do not think women should pretend to be happy. My point is that often times, people, not just women, are miserable just for the sake of being miserable. Some people are mean, unkind, unhappy and rude, just because. They don't even need a reason. I am suggesting that rather than defaulting to misery mode, people, and women in particular, step outside of their comfort zone, and be happy.

      Happiness is a choice, regardless of the circumstances of your life. You can always choose happiness. That is my suggestion.

      Thanks for reading,

      Namaste

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      wmt13 16 months ago

      While this is a great article, I must disagree with the being happy part. If there are struggles in your marriage, and your partner is a contributing factor to the issues but not resolve, no one should be expected to pretend and be happy. If there are real stresses, they are your partner and you work together through those stresses. The root cause of alot of unhappiness in women is the very opposite article you wrote to the men. You can pretend to be happy only so long when you feel utterly alone in your marriage, when the blame is turned on you and there is no sense of ownership. It is a two way street.

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      Deborah Demander 17 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you for the additional comments, TheRealTruthOfAll.

      I agree that men and women do need to work together to have a successful marriage. Without cooperation and keeping the other's interests in mind, it is very difficult to have a strong marriage.

      Namaste

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      TheRealTruthOfAll 17 months ago

      What i really said with my last comment is very much the truth since the times today as you can see are so much different than it was back then which Both men and women really had it very Tough. Many marriages did last a very long time which today many marriages are failing Unfortunately which is real sad. Like i mentioned with my last comment is that with so many Career women nowadays are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, and very money hungry as well since it is all about them which definitely has caused many marriages to fall apart when Both men and women should work hard together to keep their marriage going which they really Don't. So as you can really see that the times today does have a lot to do with it. My aunt and uncle just celebrated their 68th year together which many marriages today Unfortunately Don't even last 10 years anymore. For many of us Good Single men which i do speak for others that really had hoped to meet a Good woman to settle down with which the women of today are really to Blame for our Singleness since Most women today really do want the Best and will Never settle for Less at all. Thank you very much for your support. Peace.

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      Deborah Demander 17 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you, TheRealTruthOfAll, for reading and commenting. While I do agree that it is hard to find real love, and challenging to have a lasting relationship, I believe that men and women both are responsible to make things work.

      Namaste

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      TheRealTruthOfAll 17 months ago

      Well many women that have their Careers nowadays have really Destroyed many of us Good men already and Unfortunately continue to do so because of their Greed And Selfishness that they carry around with them Everywhere they go since they really want the Best and will Not settle for Less. Many marriages have broken up over this already and many more will since these women want it all right now which many of them have left their families over this which makes it very sad how the women of today have really Changed for the Worst. Most of the Good old fashioned women of years ago i would say were the Best compared to the women of today that really Don't give a damn. This is a very Excellent Reason why many of us Good men are still Single today which the women out there are really to Blame especially with all those Feminists that are now out there. When you compare the women of years ago that really had to Struggle along with their men to make ends meat which it was very Rough for them in those days since they Hardly had any money at all since they had to live with their Parents too. Quite a Change in the women of today compared to the early days when our family members were very Fortunate finding Love with one another back then which today for many of us Good men that are still Single it is very Difficult finding Love today. Too bad many of us men that really wanted to meet a Good woman to settle down with that we Weren't Born back then which it really Would Have made a big difference in our life.

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      Deborah Demander 19 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      fatkidontherocks,

      Thanks so much for your thoughtful insight.

      I couldn't agree more.

      Things do change when you get married. And you must make sex a priority. Especially women. Most women don't need sex, the way men do, and so they must make an effort to take care of that need. But once you get going, it's pleasurable for both.

      I think your statement about sex being the last thing on either person's mind, after a long day at work, is right on the money. That's why I go to bed naked. First, so that my husband and I can be close, even if we aren't having sex, and second, so that if during the night or early in the morning, we can have an unexpected interaction.

      Weekend mornings are a great time to take the time to really turn each other on, and enjoy being together.

      As for the books you suggest, they are both excellent resources, and I would highly recommend them to anyone who is married.

      Thanks again for reading and for writing.

      Namaste

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      fatkidontherocks 20 months ago

      When your married friends tell you that marriage is tough and that it isn’t going to be everything you ever expected, you should probably listen to their advice. I thought “Nah that’s not going to be me. My woman is great.” I’ve been married for 16 years and have three children (6, 8, & 10). My wife loves me very much; however, she is a task-oriented person and runs her life off of a schedule. It’s great for the children, because it sets expectations throughout their day. But, when it comes to sex, it’s an afterthought. I can set my clock by when she’s in the mood. It’s between 9pm when she’s finally calmed down from household chores and taking care of children to 10pm when she falls asleep. Why is it that I feel like a chore? Because that’s all she’s done all day long from 6am when she wakes up to do her exercise routine to 10pm when she goes to sleep. I would suspect that this is the way it is with many couples. We’ve managed to break up the routine a little, but I know that I’m still penciled in from 9pm-10pm, that’s if she doesn’t fall asleep first.

      It’s unrealistic to require your man to put you in the mood, even if you are great communicators. When he has to work for sex, he’s going to give up trying. I know I would. It shouldn’t be a chore. It should really be about two people who mutually want to satisfy each other and really enjoy it. When you’re exhausted at 9pm at night and all you want to do is sleep or relax, sex is really the last thing on your mind and his too. He needs sex, like he needs to eat. Not as frequent, but it is an essential need.

      One more thing I want to share, and I can bet just about every man can agree with me, although most women I’ve talked to disagree. When a woman wears pajama pants to bed, it signals to the man that sex is not on the menu for the night, she’s not in the mood.

      Things will change once you are married, count on it. There are two books that I’ve read that were helpful and you should read them too. The first one is Love and Respect, the second one is His Needs Her Needs. Couples counseling both before and after you two say I do, should be incorporated into your relationship. No matter how great of communicators you think you are, you two speak a different language.

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      Deborah Demander 20 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Ricky and Dan, Thank you both for reading and for taking the time to comment.

      Ricky, I will check out your blog. Good luck with your book.

      Dan, I went back and re-read number 5, and I will stand by what I wrote. I am not suggesting that a woman should put out, regardless of the mood she is in. What I am saying is that withholding affection and intimacy is a dangerous weapon and should not be employed against your spouse. Women often use sex or rather, withhold sex from their partner, in order to teach a lesson or elicit certain behavior. I think this is wrong.

      Hope that makes more sense.

      Namaste

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      Dan 20 months ago

      Not sure I agree with #5, I saw a previous reply you had about a similar concern but I don't think you really answered the concern that person (and I pose). So what I'm getting from #5 is that regardless "what mood" she is in she should just be intimate with her husband. Not sure about most guys but I can tell if my wife is into it or not and when's she's not its a major turn off. Personally I'd rather not do it then do it and she's not interested at all.

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      Deborah Demander 20 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Valerie,

      Thanks for adding additional food for thought to the conversation. I have been married three times. The first time, I was only a sex object to my much older husband. It was humiliating and degrading. The second time, my husband tried to teach me that there are more important aspects to a relationship than just the physical ones. He would withhold sex and affection from me, if he felt I had behaved in a manner in which he did not approve.

      For the record, I love sex, in spite of these experiences. This time around, I have married a man who is not twenty years my senior, but who is my age, and who shares my intense sex drive. We don't argue about sex. We just enjoy each other immensely.

      I wish you the best, in life and in relationships. Thanks again for your comments.

      Namaste

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      Deborah Demander 20 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      fatkidontherocks,

      Thank you for a well thought out comment. I appreciate having some male input on the conversation. You make some very good points here.

      Namaste

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      Valerie 20 months ago

      Deborah and fatkidontherocks,

      I do appreciate your replies. But, I feel like I had been misunderstood. The reason I had the reaction I did to the original comments about sex is because I felt like the way it was worded and the way it was presented made sex sound like a forced obligation of the woman which I do not approve of at all.

      First, I have to come clean about something that I can tell was already an assumption about me by no fault of yours. I am not married. I have never been married. I am still a virgin and saving myself for marriage should it be God's will for me to marry.

      To be quite honest, I am not opposed to sex. As a grown woman, I can confidently say, that I look forward to being physically intimate with my future husband. I'm assuming we're all adults here, so I feel I a can be open about that. I do ask though, that my opinions are not disregarded due to me being single and a virgin. I may not be married, but, I have learned a lot from other married, wise couples regarding marriage in general. I am the type of person who likes to be prepared for things before they happen and marriage is no exception. Granted, there are things in life we simply cannot prepare for as many things are unpredictable as is the way of life. But, I try to gain as much wisdom as I can when it comes to topics that matter and are worth gaining wisdom about.

      Debbie,

      I think I misunderstood you in the original post you wrote on the matters concerning sex. But, to be fair, I don't feel like you were clear on what exactly you meant by your original comment concerning sex. Like I already mentioned, when I read it in the blog post, I thought you meant that a woman should be obligated to have sex with her husband whether she likes it or not. THAT is what I was understanding from that and that is what I was bothered by. But yes, I do agree that sex should not be used as a weapon to "train" one's husband. I fully believe that God created sex as something a beautiful, sacred, bonding and a fun experience for a husband and wife to share and enjoy throughout their lifetime together.

      To fatkidontherocks,

      I read the sections where you said it isn't good to put your husband on a schedule to have sex with him. But I wonder if that is always the case. The reason I wonder that is because, what if they've been married for a while and have children? Having children takes time and effort and massively affects the couple's life. So, with raising kids, going to work, being tired at the end of the day, it might make sense to intentionally set aside time to make love, to go on date nights, or have whatever private time that the couple in question prefers. I don't know, I think scheduling time in that context doesn't mean the woman is saying "I only love you during this particular time". As a woman, it may convey the message of, "I am deliberately making time for us to spend time alone together to be intimate and touch bases on various levels because I love you enough to intentionally make time for you." I think doing it that way is better than giving them leftover time. Because when a couple lives a busy life, they have so many things going on, making time for one another is better than giving them leftover time. That's like saying, "I don't really care enough about you to set aside quality time with you, I'm just going to give you leftover time where you don't have my full attention or the best 'me' I have to offer." To me, that sounds like it would suck.

      Also, in general, I don't think my standards are too high for expecting him to put me in the mood IF we're already great at communicating concerning our intimate relations. Maybe this kind of advice might be for a couple who is struggling in the areas of intimacy, which, to be fair, that is what you believed about me. But personally, I believe a couple should be open and honest in general, including what they expect on a physically intimate level. I think communication is important for all aspects of a relationship, including physical intimacy. Just because a couple is married doesn't mean they're mind-readers. If I were to marry, I would want to discuss these intimate issues with my husband before I marry him. One of the signs that he and I would be compatible is that he would also want to have that open and honest discussion about sex and what we expect as well. I think if a couple is open and honest with one another and they are aware of one another's love languages and are willing and ready to express love the way their partner understands love, I don't think it would be such a struggle for one partner to turn on the other. But yes, your advice does seem reasonable for couples who are struggling in the areas of intimacy. It seems like you and I would agree that these struggles probably started with a lack of communication of some kind and they started to grow apart.

      Anyway, those are just my thoughts on the matter.

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      fatkidontherocks 20 months ago

      Valerie,

      I can tell this is a sensitive subject for you. Please understand that if you don’t fill his physical need, he will seek it elsewhere whether it is through pleasuring himself or seeking it from someone else. I never thought that I would be that guy, but I did exactly that.

      Here are a couple of things you can do to help resolve some of the conflict.

      I’m understanding that you need to be in the mood and that it is his responsibility to put you in that mood? You’re holding him to a high standard that he doesn’t understand. Your life isn’t a sex novel and he probably doesn’t read them. Men are motivated more by rewards than punishment. When I feel like my failures are constantly being recognized and my accomplishments are not, I feel like a failure. I don’t want to repeat failures. Attempting sexual affection, only to be denied, is a failure. I can send my wife flowers, send sweet text messages, tell her that I love her. If I’m not getting rewarded for those efforts, why bother? Clearly they aren’t indicating to her that I really do love her, because otherwise she would respond sexually to me. Appreciate the little things in life and bigger things will come.

      If he’s making a sexual advance, let him know when you aren’t interested in sexual contact, but also indicate when you think you’re going to be ready. This doesn’t completely shut him down and gives him something to look forward to. When that time comes, you need to try to follow through. If you continually deny him or continually fail to meet his needs a later indicated time, he’s going to take a reward for being patient when you’re not around. Be cognizant that you aren’t putting him on a schedule, that’s also bad. Occasionally, find a way to put yourself in the mood even when you are not. You can do it just like a guy goes through a different process to prevent premature ejaculation. Why do you think we watch sports? We need to know who plays each position on the baseball team to help us with our distraction.

      If you are in the mood, don’t be afraid to make the move. Caress him or start to undress him. Holding hands, hugging, & kissing are all good, but don’t always indicate that you’re in the mood. Those are normal parts of an intimate relationship and if you aren’t getting that, you need to initiate it. They show him that he is loved. If he’s pushing back when you are trying to show these types of affection, you should probably try to do it when he isn’t watching a football game.

      If you’re never in the mood, you probably don’t feel loved. Take some time to listen to what interests him, he will in turn listen to what your interests are and you’re going to feel loved? If I’m wrong on that, it’s because I’m a man. This is just what I think works. If I’m listening to my wife rant and rave without taking the time to let me be part of the conversation, I shut down and wonder “why I’m putting myself through this torture, she doesn’t care about me at all. All I hear is blah blah blah, not a single coherent word or theme is coming out of her mouth.”

      Don’t initiate sex out of obligation, but seek him out when you’re in the mood. If it is out of obligation, he will notice it and both of you will resent each other. Sometimes when you’re seeking him out for it, he may not be in the mood, but without hints, he’s not going to know when you’re in the mood and will try to push you into it, because it’s part of the marriage, part of the connection that you two share; it’s also what he thinks he needs to do to make the marriage work. If his efforts in pursuing you are dismissed or discouraged, he’s going to stop the pursuit altogether with you and I’m not just talking about the sex.

      Don’t schedule him. By giving him a limited window when it’s the best time for you, it tells him that you only love him at this time of the day. Well one might think that. It’s not even doing that. You’re telling him you two have more of a business relationship than a love relationship. That it is task oriented. He’s going to complete that task as quick as possible, because, let’s get real, he has other tasks in his life to accomplish. If you have children and they were planned, he remembers how active you were in meeting the goal of having children. This is very similar in lacking the “love” in love making; it’s just “making.” This also goes for giving him a time limit or hurrying him along. Let him show you he loves you in the way that he truly does.

      One last item, if you have any thoughts during sex that aren’t sex related, DO NOT SHARE them. There’s a time and place for everything. This isn’t your opportunity to get his ear for something that you don’t think he would otherwise listen to you.

      I can understand why you might feel like a sex doll or a piece of meat to him. For him, part of showing his love to you is through making love with you. He needs that as much as he needs the release. Bootycalls are a lot cheaper and for the most part, don’t require the emotional, time, or financial commitment. He has a need to feel loved. Invest in his emotional development and he will invest in yours.

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      Deborah Demander 20 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Valerie,

      Thank you for reading, and taking the time to write a very well thought out and written comment.

      I begin with the basic premise that most people are married to someone they love, who loves them in return. The situation you describe is abusive, and if that is the case, then there are probably underlying problems as well.

      What I am referring to is when we, as women, use sex as a weapon to punish our husbands. We are all, men and women, guilty of bad, bratty behavior, now and then.

      Using sex as a weapon to shape someone's behavior is unacceptable in a healthy marriage. And in a healthy marriage, both people would ideally be serving the best interest of their partner.

      In general, I believe that women can get pouty and withhold affection to prove a point. I am suggesting that this is not a healthy way to work out issues in a marriage.

      I appreciate your comment and again, thanks for reading.

      Namaste

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      Deborah Demander 20 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Toying habib, thank you for reading, and may God bless you also.

      Namaste

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      Valerie 20 months ago

      The only one I have an issue with is when the article says this:

      "When you refuse to meet his need for physical release, you are making a much deeper statement; you do not care about or respect his needs. This is not about whether you like or dislike sex. It is much more important than that. Your spouse needs to connect with you on a physical level, whether you are in the mood or not."

      Shoot, if they really just want to have sex without being concerned whether their partner is in the mood or not, don't get married. Don't even have sex with a human being, just buy a sex freaking doll!

      So, what, the woman is just supposed to allow her husband to rape her? A woman is just expected to have sex with her husband when she's not in the mood? Yeah, that doesn't sound selfish at all! This comment is hypocritical. In the same paragraph where they accuse a woman of being selfish for not being in the mood to make love to her husband, they selfishly suggest that a woman should make love to her husband even when she isn't in the mood!

      My issue isn't with sex itself. But rather with the selfish husband who just expects his wife to put out every time he wants it. That is so selfish and degrading to women! YOU'RE WIFE IS NOT A SEX DOLL!! If that's what you wanted then that's what you should have married!!

      What I also don't like about this statement is how the author generally seems to approve and expect every woman to accept that "Oh, you're husband is going to treat you like a sex object, and you're just supposed to be okay with that." NO!! No, no, NO!! Sex, is not just about sexual release and physical satisfaction. Yes, that is a part of it, but it is supposed to be a beautiful and sacred bonding of souls. An act where BOTH parties (not just the woman), should selflessly care about the sexual and intimate needs of each other. Meaning, the man should NOT be allowed to treat his wife like a sex doll! It seems like you would approve of a man telling his wife "Okay, it is time to have sex, strip off your clothes." without giving a damn about her needs or wants whatsoever. A good husband CARES about whether his wife is in the mood or not. A Good husband does his due diligence to romance her and all other manners of foreplay. NOT just to get her in the mood, but doing these things because he GENUINELY loves her and wants to show her non-sexual intimacy affection!

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      Toying habib 20 months ago

      Thanks god bless you.

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      Deborah Demander 20 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you benalla abdellah, for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

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      Benalla Abdellah 20 months ago from Morocco

      Thank you Deborah Demander i like your hub

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 20 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      AA,

      Thank you for taking the time to read this article and comment on it.

      The most important thing to remember is that you can only change yourself. You can only control yourself. And only you can make yourself happy.

      As you move through your relationship, you can only work on yourself. And you are the only person who can determine what you will do.

      I wish you the best,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      AA 20 months ago

      OMG, my wife score 9/10. I usually would argue back but it always turn out to be even worst. So I stopped comment or talk back whenever she show faces, angry, demotivating me, highly expectation and etc all like above. The only things she dont do is talk my bads things infront of friends or family. Sometimes it over my limit and I would spill it all out about what i feel about it, sometimes she listen and it would turn to be good but not for long, maybe last a week or so. I'm tired of it and start to shut myself out. She is being quite this few days and ignoring, we just do our own stuff... kind of peaceful but not comfortable and feels weird. I mostly do the cooking, cleaning, hang cloth and etc. We would work together to feed the kids but she dont like to do that because is very hard to work patiently with that. What she would do is fold cloth, help to read books to kids, prepare the kids bags and monitoring our financial. While I work hard like cow and came back home continue to be like a cow, it is like 24/7 working. I used to always massage for her like 100 days in a year and i would get 1 days in a year (just simply do). I already stop to expect anything much from her and used to it, whenever she would do just once, i would be very happy. After reading this, i'm not sure how i should approach her to read this article and something she needs to fix. I just shared this privately to her FB. I try not to explain the content where this is the area that happen which would scare me out where she might take it as a complain. I still love her, still thinking how to change this and makes things better. Any advice would helps :)

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 21 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      SeaSunChase,

      Thanks for stopping by and reading, and for taking the time to comment.

      You are right, until we love ourselves, we are hardly ready to be loved by anyone else.

      Take care,

      Namaste

    • SeaSunChase profile image

      Denise Chase 21 months ago from Florida

      What a great video on the 'marital bus'!! Great insights in this article. God is the rock in our marriage.

      Someone replied to one of my articles and said, "know yourself, trust yourself and love yourself" and without doing so, you can't expect someone to do the same with you.

      Great read!

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 21 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      DW, you must have a great wife and a strong marriage. Congratulations.

      Namaste

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      DW 21 months ago

      Great article! I am happy to say that I never experience any of these from my wife.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 21 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Hannahwaguianao, thank you for your heartfelt input. I appreciate you sharing this with us. God has asked us to respect our husbands, because it is one of the hardest things for us to do.

      Thank you for taking the time to read the article.

      Namaste

    • hannahwaguinao profile image

      Hannah Guinao-wa 21 months ago from Rizal Philippines

      After reading the first article on how men could destroy their marriage, I couldn't wait to read this one. In one or three points, I felt convicted by the Holy Spirit and I had to ask forgiveness from God for how I sometimes treat my husband without respect everytime he fails me. Your post is an eye-opener and it gets to the deepest part of the heart and mind. Just like the first one, I bookmarked this article and will be sharing to to my facebook account and to my hubby as well. Thank you for the amazing insights! Stay blessed!

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 21 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks for your comment, Craiger-m. I agree, for men and women, the most important piece of advice I could give would be to choose the right person. Don't pick someone you want to fix, or who wants to fix you. In so doing, you set yourself up for misery and disappointment.

      Namaste

    • craiger-m profile image

      The Hatter 21 months ago from Great Britain

      Don't marry the wrong guy is probably the most important advice. If you are already picking fault after a few dates then it's time to call it quits, dont both suffer for years to come for fear of being alone.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 21 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Reetie,

      Thanks for reading and for commenting. I will check out your blogs.

      Namaste

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      Reetie 22 months ago

      That's true love my hubs

    • profile image

      Jon 22 months ago

      Also, alongside suicide as a subject that we're not allowed to discuss, there is also domestic violence:

      40% of all victims are male.

      70% of abusers in non-reciprocal violent relationships are women.

      In the UK - 1,000+ beds for female victims of domestic violence, 60 for men.

      But no, the problem is men and only men, right? Right, because only women are allowed to be victims, because men don't have emotions.

      More women need to start viewing men as human beings and not as sub-human slaves who dispense cash and are fair game for persecution and ridicule.

      I'm sorry if I appear to have gone off the deep end, but this seems like a reasonable thread with some compassionate people in it, which is why I hope you'll be receptive to some of the facts and the different perspective I have to offer on the matter of marraige.

      I don't expect people to agree, but I do believe that people should be aware that there is a perspective from males that is often ignored outright in these debates, because it doesn't convenience women to acknowledge them.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Gary Mathews, That was funny. But a lot of us women make these mistakes. Hopefully we can learn to be better, all of us, for each other.

      Thanks for reading,

      Namaste

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      Gary Mathews 2 years ago

      Very good article Deborah, I had no idea you had met my ex

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you, Manatita for your comments.

      Yes, it is a way to ask us all to be more connected, more whole and more honest with ourselves and our loved ones.

      Namaste.

    • manatita44 profile image

      manatita44 2 years ago from london

      Interesting and loving Hub, Deborah.

      Another and gentlier way, perhaps, of asking us to be better, more wholesome human beings. OM Shanti!

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks for the comment, David.

      It is true, that keeping things exciting and adventurous is a challenge after many years. Best of luck to you,

      Namaste

    • David Trujillo profile image

      David Trujillo Uribe 2 years ago from Medellin, Colombia

      very much true in my relationship although I am still not married. I would modify the sex part though, it isn´t that women need to satisfy our needs just to keep us happy, cause that won´t end well. But making sex an adventure after sleeping with the same person for years, that´s something that would revive a spark in my relationship. It gets boring you know.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you for your comment.

      Namaste

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      Evening 2 years ago

      This was good until I got to #7. What a blatantly sexist remark! You should be ashamed to even call yourself a woman! No man will EVER have authority over me! We will be partners...maybe not always equal since relationships don't work like that but as 50-50 as we can get. I do not understand women who are anti-feminists like you.

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      Michelle Scoggins 2 years ago from Fresno, CA

      Great article Deborah. Many times relationships are ruined by unknown psychological issues and unhealthy ways one learned to relate to others. Thanks for this information.

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      Johnf72 3 years ago

      Im grateful for the blog article.Much thanks again. Cool. gkgegffcfkec

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      Mitzy 3 years ago

      A man has NO authority in marriage nor is he RIGHT to expect such if he ignores the doctrine or conditions that awards that to him by his creation. If he is not living a Godly life, or following the "instructions" that come with the woman and how to honor her as he does himself, etc. He has no authority. I would never agree that a woman submit authority to a Godless man, which unfortunately so many are, and many men that claim to be worshiping God, in reality only worship themselves. No woman should EVER submit submission to such men, nor is she bound to. This double standard approach is the MAIN cause of abuses in the marriage by the man, and a leading cause of divorice. Women can read past the "part" most men do. Not a good article, and yes there is an out, and it too is in the Bible, regarding not associating with "unbelievers" .

    • Sue Adams profile image

      Juliette Kando 4 years ago from Andalusia

      "7. Undermining his authority, but demanding he take full responsibility. In any organization, there must be a leader, someone in charge."

      Hhmmhh... I'm not so sure about that. Surely in a partnership repnsibilities and leadership is shared.

      Other than that, I take my hat off for you article. It is very well written and most useful.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 4 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you for the comments. Best of luck with your search.

      Namaste.

    • profile image

      Luther 4 years ago

      You are a beautiful soul. If our women humble themselves Ande accept your advice, you will see more and more "promiscuous" men running down the isle with substantially less inhibition. These bullets are the EXACT reasons that most men fear marriage. Especially when his partners insecurities inevitably lead to us having to give severance pay to the woman that broke our heart. You are really contributing to the solution a opposed to perpetuating three problem and I Prey that more people read this. I am in a relationship now, and honestly I was almost about to subscribe to the theory that if I married her the negativity that she is portraying will cease. Now I have reassured my original position that I am not the solution to any defects in character and a ring won't change her. I am going to focus on being the best person I can be for myself and my partner, but ultimately, I will not pacify her behavior and if I discover that she continues to meet the mold of this list, I will have to move on and give her time self reflect. seeing a woman write these things helps me to understand that it is not excusable. it is not an unrealistic expectations for a man to have a wife or woman who is not making him unhappy all the time. it is not an unrealistic expectation to have a wife that respect you. and clearly based off of the fact that you wrote this blog in you are a woman it is not impossible to find a woman who is willing to take responsibility for her emotions in her responses to those emotions as well as her actions. so in short I think I'm going to wait until I find my Deborah. thank you again.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 4 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Hello Jean,

      I appreciate your well thought out response. As a woman writer, I hope to further the cause of women and relationships.

      I have also written a blog on the top ten mistakes that men make to destroy their marriage. Typically speaking, women behave in certain and sometimes predictable ways in relationships. Men have other, different shortcomings that they use to sabotage relationships.

      It is not really about one gender being right and the other being wrong. Rather, we are different and we behave differently in relationships. We all have habits that can be counterproductive. I am hoping to bring some awareness to those habits in order to approve a relationship.

      My goal in writing these blogs is to help people see where their own behavior could be causing a problem in relationships. It is certainly not to vilify women or men, by any means. And for the record, I have had men complain about the blog "The top 10 things med do to destroy their marriage".

      My hope is that by helping people learn about some common mistakes, they can repair their own relationships.

      Thanks for taking the time to write.

      Namaste

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      Jean 4 years ago

      Hi Deborah,

      Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I apologize if I come across in a rude way. I don't mean to give that impression, but

      the reason, I asked if you were kidding, is to find out why an article like this was written to women only, when we all know, that men are just as much to blame for relationship problems and failures as women. and sometimes more. 4/16/13

      I am confused as to why we find women writers who feel the need to point out women's bad habits, while we rarely, see men writing to blame their own men for relationship problems. What is your take on this?

      It saddens me when I happen upon these articles. I would for once, like to see you female writers, produce a piece of work, that pointed out men's bad habits.

      The more we progress as a human race, the more we put my gender behind.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 4 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Jean,

      While I do sometimes write humorous posts, this is not one of them. Which part do you think I am kidding about?

      If you mean the blog in general, then no. I am not kidding. Both women and men practice behaviors that can be detrimental to a relationship. Do you object to something in particular, or just the idea in general?

    • profile image

      Jean 4 years ago

      Tell me that you all are kidding about this.