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Top 10 Things Women Do To Destroy Their Marriage

Updated on June 16, 2016
Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah is a writer, healer, and teacher. Her goal is to help people live their best lives everyday, while sharing her joy and love of life.

Wives bear as much responsibility as husbands. We have the power to make a home, or break it.


How we hurt our husbands

Creating a hostile environment can make everyone uncomfortable and destroy your marriage.

While both husband and wife should take responsibility for their part in a marriage, below are ten mistakes common to women, which can completely destroy a marriage. When women exercise the following behaviors, it can create a hostile environment, where no one feels safe or comfortable.

It is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. So, while this list below may seen daunting, always remember that. If life is stressful, then work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek the things that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.

1. Using words to hurt, maim and destroy your marriage

Although men are stronger physically, women have the advantage when it comes to verbal acumen. On average, women speak nearly three times more than men. The average female ends her day having spoken nearly 20,000 words, while her husband, boss, friend or partner has had his say with about 7,000. Women are talkers and have learned how to use words for the most effectiveness.

Women are adept at brandishing the sharpest words in order to shame, demean and belittle their man. Words are like toothpaste. Once they are out, there is no getting them back in. Regardless of how sorry you are afterward, the damage has been done. All the sorries in the world will never take back the sting of your angry words, once you have unleashed them on your hapless husband.

Rather than use your words as a weapon, use them as a healing balm to comfort, encourage and uplift your husband. And as grandma always used to say, "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all."

2. Having unrealistic expectations

Seeking fulfillment from one person, and projecting your unhappiness onto him when he doesn't measure up will quickly destroy your marriage. If you feel unhappy, first examine reality. You will be happier if you shape your expectations to fit the reality of your situation. Expecting your spouse or children to make you happy is unrealistic. Make yourself happy.

Imagine if you could only have one friend for your entire life. Would that work for you? Most women have several friends, who fill several roles. We have a friend with whom we like to go shopping. One friend likes to work out with us. One friend leads a bible study. One friend loves to have coffee on Wednesday mornings.

Each person in your life fulfills a different and important role. None is more important, they are just different. If you expect your husband to complete you and bring you eternal happiness, not only are you setting him up for failure, but you are also setting yourself up for disappointment.

Rather than look to one person to fulfill your every need, try expanding your circle of influence, to include a variety of people, who fill your life with different blessings. And most of all, look to yourself. Find ways to feel complete and happy with who you are as a person. First, seek to find you own happiness, within yourself. And then, rather than look to someone else to complete you, find ways to complement each other's lives.

3. Using sarcastic and critical statements, gestures, and facial expressions

This is a quick and easy way to show your husband that you don't respect him or his opinion. Men can become overwhelmed by the barrage of criticism coming at them. The result is they shut down, withdraw, and seek kindness and approval elsewhere.

Have you ever experienced someone discounting what you have to say, without actually listening to you? When you are critical or sarcastic with your husband, he feels attacked and unvalued. Listen to him, without adding your two cents worth. If you'd like to ask questions, wait until he stops talking. Don't interrupt with a story about how the dog threw-up on the carpet. Let him have a few minutes to be the center of your attention. And if you absolutely must get dinner made, invite him to join you in the kitchen. Tell him that you would like to hear about the rest of his day, and mean it.

Another way to show disrespect is to roll your eyes or make sarcastic facial expressions. These are just as irritating for your husband, as they are for you when your teen-aged daughter does it. There is no need to be rude, even if you've been married forever. It is more important to give him your attention, to look at him and to listen, than it is to roll your eyes or shake your head in exasperation. You are trying to build a bond, not destroy the man you love.

Why your spouse may irritate you

4. Criticize him, make fun of him and belittle him to your friends and family

When you criticize and belittle your husband, you not only diminish your husband in your eyes, but you also poison those closest to you. You force them to take sides, and of course they choose your side, because they want to be loyal to you. Your friends and family don't live at your house. They don't see what goes on day after day. They don't see the good things your husband does. The only view they have of your husband is the one that you present to them. If you are constantly badmouthing and belittling him, then they will view him as a bad partner for you.

After you speak badly about him, they will never look at your husband the same. Even when you get over your tirade, and everything is great at home, they will still be mad at him. Your friends and family members want to protect you from danger and harm. If you are constantly referring to your husband in a negative light, then they will want to protect you and your children from this monster you married, even if he isn't really a monster.

When you speak poorly of your spouse, your close friendships and relationships will remain irreparably altered against your husband, in time, this can destroy your marriage. He will never understand why your friends don't like him, and why your mother is mean to him.

Rather than trying to make excuses, don't start down that path. When you speak of your husband, use uplifting, encouraging words. If he is acting like a jerk, you don't need to gush about it to everyone you know. Your constant complaints against him will create a wall between your husband and your friends, that he can never overcome.

5. Withhold affection and sex

This can cause a huge rift in your marriage, whether you realize it or not. Men are wired differently than women. Your husband needs physical release through sexual intimacy. It is not just something he is demanding of you, it is something he needs, physiologically speaking.

When you refuse to meet his need for physical release, you are making a much deeper statement; you do not care about or respect his needs. This is not about whether you like or dislike sex. It is much more important than that. Your spouse needs to connect with you on a physical level, whether you are in the mood or not.

As much as you need emotional release and closeness, he is wired to need physical release and closeness. Neither is wrong. You are just different. While you want your emotional needs met, it is important not to lose sight of his needs. Think of it this way; what if he stopped talking to you for three days? How about a week? What if he didn't talk to you for an entire month? Unconscionable, right? Likewise, it is unfair for you to cut him off from what he needs. You are in a relationship with a man you love, and you expect your needs to be met. In the same way, you need to meet his needs, regardless of whether you share the same needs and desires.

Tips to Save Your Marriage

6. Disrespecting his insight, opinions and advice

Men and women are different on many levels. Men are fixers. By nature, if you present a problem, he will come up with concrete steps to solve the problem. When you are dismissive, it sends the message that you do not value him. When you come to your husband with a problem or a concern, be ready for him to create an action plan to resolve your conflict. It may not be exactly what you would do, but he is offering a solution. The least you can do is listen to his suggestion, and thank him for his input. Before you reject his idea out of hand, take some time to consider what his opinion. Think about what he said. You don't have to do everything he suggests, but listen and think about it.

If you just want to bitch and complain, call a girlfriend. Girlfriends are great listeners. They will not try to fix you. Women like to talk things out, without being fixed. Sometimes you just need an ear to listen, not a solution. When that is the case, perhaps your husband isn't the person to approach.

If you must whine at your husband, tell him upfront that you don't require a solution, just an ear to hear. He will still offer suggestions, but if you tell him, before you begin your rant, that you don't need an answer, just to vent, then he won't be offended when you don't take his advice. And sometimes, you could surprise him and actually follow his advice. It might just work.

7. Undermining his authority, but demanding he take full responsibility

In any organization, there must be a leader, someone in charge. The head over the whole organization, who says, "The buck stops here." Typically, the person who carries the responsibility ought to be the one who has the final say. Families and relationships are much like any other organization. There must be someone in charge, someone who will take full responsibility when things go wrong, and someone that everyone can turn to.

You, of course, are welcome to take that role, if you are willing to be fully responsible when the chips are down. It is easy to be critical of the person in charge, and it is easy to think that you could do a better job. The hard part comes when it is time to take responsibility. Rather than making decisions without regard for your husband's input, and then blaming him when things don't work out, try instead to work together. You can decide together how things should be done, and you can offer him the final say when decisions need to be made.

Don't become so focused on your own feelings and fears (i.e. I'm afraid he'll make a bad decision. I feel like I make better decisions) to override his feelings and fears (i.e. I am responsible to take care of the family. I'm afraid no one in the family respects me.) Be gracious in light of his decision making. You can respectfully disagree with a decision without attacking his ability to lead.

8. Never being happy

One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to spend all your time acting miserable and unhappy. The goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. It is to this end that you have an obligation to be happy. If the goal is to be happily married, it is up to you to exercise self control. Only you can make yourself happy. If you believe that your happiness comes from other people or having things or external circumstances, then you will never be happy. You are in charge of your happiness. It is a decision. You can choose to be a miserable, unhappy grouch, or you can suck it up, pull your boots on and show up in your marriage as the person you'd like to be.

There is no need to express every angry, bitter or resentful thought. Everybody gets pissed off, frustrated and irritated. There isn't anyone to blame. You are choosing to respond to your circumstances with that attitude. You can choose a different path. By owning your own problems, you can take responsibility for your own happiness. Each day, work on bringing your best self into the relationship. Regardless of what happens, you are only one thought away from peace.

Remind yourself every day, I can see peace instead of this. And then, work to see the peace that is available to you.

9. Demoralizing him and crushing his spirit

If asked, most men believe their wives to be more moral and spiritual than themselves. Often, the wife agrees. She does not see herself as sinful or wrong. She feels her greatest "sins" lie in being deeply disappointed by her husband's failures and her children's shortcomings. Beyond this, wives typically admit to bad behavior and attitudes, but attribute it to hormones, chemical imbalances and a dysfunctional childhood.

Woe to the husband who dares suggest his lovely bride could use improvement in some aspect of her life. Labeled a heartless, uncaring, unrighteous lout, he is silenced by an angered, wounded wife, cloaked in self-righteous indignation. She then feels perfectly justified in attacking every flaw, magnifying every misstep and pointing out every failure, until he feels ashamed for living. You are not your husbands Holy Spirit. Stop trying to correct every little flaw you perceive in his character and set about removing the blinding plank from your own eye.

Of course, everyone makes mistakes. You can build him up or tear him down. The choice belongs entirely to you.

10. Picking the wrong man

You repeat the pattern again. And again. You meet a man. You like him. You start dating. Then you begin to notice the tiny flaws. The chinks in his armor. He yells, just like your dad did. He drinks and becomes abusive. He is mean to your kids. "It's o.k., " you tell yourself, "I'll fix him after we get married."

Stop right there. There is no fixing it. The man you date will be the same man after you are married. Inherently kind? He'll still be kind. Addicted to pornography? He'll still be addicted. You cannot change the basic nature of other people. You cannot love them into changing. You cannot nag or pout or complain them into changing. If the relationship feels unhealthy during dating, getting married will not fix it. He will not magically become more responsible, more reliable, or more loving after you marry him. So if you want a good husband, find a good man, date him, and marry him.

While this list may seem daunting, it is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. If life is stressful, work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek those thing that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.

Namaste Friends

This material is copyrighted by Deborah Demander and may not be reproduced without written permission from the author.


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    • lmmartin profile image

      lmmartin 6 years ago from Alberta and Florida

      I agree most of us go into marriage with unrealistic expectations, and instead of understanding we have entered into a partnership contract we seek everlasting romance. Then we act out our disappointments. So true and thanks for a great hub. Lynda

    • Micky Dee profile image

      Micky Dee 6 years ago

      So how do you know my exes?

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks for reading my hubs Lynda.

      Unfortunately, Micky Dee, we women can sometimes be really crazy. Sorry about that.

    • De Greek profile image

      De Greek 6 years ago from UK

      For any woman to behave as described above means that she does not really love her man. If she did, she would behave appropriately :D

      - So it's a lost cause in any case ... :-)

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      You have a good point. My hope is that a woman whose marriage isn't flourishing might read these, and have a shift in perspective, regarding her own behavior. Unfortunately, most people are too quick to point out what the other person is doing wrong, without evaluating themselves.

    • terced ojos profile image

      terced ojos 6 years ago from

      Good, Good, Good.

      I've found though that real love can grow despite things like what you wrote.

      My wife and I have gone through so many things but because our love is real we just grew through the hurts.

      I guess a willingness to be a better person coupled with that love has continued to make us better people for one another. Our trust has just continued to grow and it's amazing.

      I don't know how to explain it any further. Each thing we go through together and conquer the stronger and closer we have become.

      Incidentally it appears the sex gets better as we get closer

      I'm a firm believer in love.

      I should say though that our belief in Jesus Christ and putting him first has been our template for what true love is.

      Great Hub!

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks for stopping by, terced ojos, and sharing a great story about your family. Sex does get better as we get closer. I think putting Jesus first is a great template for a good marriage.

    • kapil 6 years ago

      i love my........

    • tryone 6 years ago

      Marriages are a case by case success story that must be address seperately. We see our parents in happy situations and fail to realize we don't know the things they accepted to make it work.

      We don't always get the honest truth about matters so we should see our mistakes as being able to over come any obstacles we created.

    • simonebell profile image

      simonebell 6 years ago

      Great article, and so true

    • Risk33 profile image

      Risk33 6 years ago from u.s of a

      The only person you can change is yourself.

      luv ur hub!

    • DeBorrah K. Ogans profile image

      DeBorrah K Ogans 6 years ago

      Deborah Demander, Nice hub! You have made some great points! Thank you for sharing, Peace & Blessings!

    • RecoverToday profile image

      RecoverToday 6 years ago from United States

      Very good article. As you know, marriage is a struggle and a journey. Very good advice for men and women both.

    • R3dcougar profile image

      R3dcougar 6 years ago from Ireland

      I think a lot of this behaviour comes from young women going into relationships with unrealistic expectations. I have to sound like a crusty old curmudgeon here and say that I blame it on the media to a big extent! Films, videos, tv, magazines, etc portray very unrealistic ideas of romantic love that NO man could live up to. Marriage is about so much more than romance and we are not preparing our young people for that. Deborah Demander - I suggest we hand out copies of you list to young couples everywhere, as the points you make are good advice for women AND men....

    • Winsome profile image

      Winsome 6 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

      Deborah what a wonderful hub. What a help to marriages and relationships. We men could take a lesson from this as well. What we say often comes out of hurts we could avoid if we lived by our own values instead of looking to our partner for our validation. Great, great job.

    • Madison22 profile image

      Madison 6 years ago from NYC

      Great article Deborah, you covered many important things. I agree you can't change the basic nature of people, if they are a certain way when you're dating them most likely they will remain the same when you marry them. Thank you so much! Awesome hub!!

    • Shalini Kagal profile image

      Shalini Kagal 6 years ago from India

      I think you've covered it all so well in this great hub! I see so many marriages around us collapsing and so often, so many of the flaws you've covered and glaringly present.

    • Dust in the Wind 6 years ago

      this and the related hub about men are pure genius! and i feel thoroughly more equipped to make good decisions regarding marriage (or the lack thereof :/)

    • MFB III profile image

      MFB III 6 years ago from United States

      ah, peace and happiness, it is so elusive for many men and women, who are trying to change their spouse into what they'd always dreamed of. What you marry is what you get...the only change that might happen is your partner or menopause. Great hub~~MFB

    • Adamgreen profile image

      Adamgreen 6 years ago from Peterborough

      I've read this and your other hub about 10 things men do to destroy their marriage. I think they're really good and very thoughtful, and so right. I'm glad that I don't do the things in '10 things men do to destroy their marriage'. I actually feel close to some of the reasons in that article, and if they happened to me I wouldn't be happy, so I can understand it from a womans point of view too. Two really good articles thankyou.

    • Angelique Loux profile image

      Angelique Loux 6 years ago from Ohio

      This is a really good hub, thanks for the advise.

    • USMCwifey09 profile image

      USMCwifey09 6 years ago

      you hit the nail on the head. good hub!

    • Shil1978 profile image

      Shil1978 6 years ago

      Useful hub. You've touched upon all possible things there are that can destroy a marriage! Voted up and rated 'useful,' thanks again for a wonderful hub :)

    • jtrader profile image

      jtrader 6 years ago

      You covered some serious points, which women can sometimes not even be aware of.

    • fetty profile image

      fetty 6 years ago from South Jersey

      Beautifully written with much useful information. I definitely see myself insome of these explanations. Thanks!

    • crazykhan profile image

      crazykhan 6 years ago from Lahore

      nice hub

    • dawnM profile image

      Dawn Michael 6 years ago from THOUSAND OAKS

      very true, when I was counseling women, the ones that upset me the most were the women who choose their men tried to change them and then complained about it! Choose wisely

    • Cassandra Lai profile image

      Cassandra Fun Tze Lai 6 years ago from Klang

      As A women, sometime we can get carry away by our words and to admit our wrong, it is worth to just say "I am sorry" it does not hurt much, just our pride that can be a hindrance to both couple.

    • Ingenira profile image

      Ingenira 6 years ago

      Good writeup and reminder for me. At times, it is as a matter how we say it that makes the difference.

    • Fred 6 years ago

      I can relate to this article. I am last, after the dog. She shoes me no respect and constantly tells me it's my fault, whatever the problem. My wife says she's "sorry" one a scale of 250 to one.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Fred, sorry to hear of your troubles. I hope things work out for you.


    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      Great Hub! #2 could have been the number 1 way or #10. :-)

      I would probably add "taking them for granted". This tends to happen a lot in long term relationships. People just "relax" and act as though they purchased a sofa and all you have to do is place it in a corner for the next 25 years. I recently read a comment a woman wrote on another post stating "marriage was easier than dating because when you're married you don't have to worry about how you (act) nor be concerned with making a good (impression)"

      In reality relationships are more like gardens. You have to "nurture" a garden. The "work" is never done (hoeing the ground, planting seed, watering, pulling wedds, and keeping pests out) only then do we get to reap the harvest. If you don't nurture a garden or a relationship they will die.

      "It's easier to maintain a fire than it is to reignite a spark!"

      Once again excellent hub!

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      You are right on, scorpio, marriages are like gardens and must be taken care of to thrive. Thanks for the comment.


    • Pente profile image

      Pente 6 years ago from Planet Earth

      Regarding tip #6: Even after all these years, my initial reaction to a complaint is to try and fix it. Us men are so hardwired to want to solve problems. She will then gently remind me that I just need to listen and empathize.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Pente, thanks for reading. It is difficult not to want to solve your wife's problems. However, sometimes a good ear is all we need.


    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      Actually I think #10 should be #1 LOL!

      Seriously if you think you have the best partner in the world you're not likely to do most of the other 9 things.

      We all choose our own friends,lovers, and spouses.

      If you want an apple but purchase an onion...Whose fault is that? People have to know what they want,need, and be willing to stick to their "shopping list".

      Very well written hub!

    • DietDayByDay profile image

      DietDayByDay 5 years ago

      Very Good,

      In marriage we must understand first and foremost, we are on the same side.

      Words have power to kill or bring life. Choose them carefully.

      God Bless, Allen

    • sophie_allen profile image

      sophie_allen 5 years ago from Washington D.C. USA 20002

      This is a great hub! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    • sairakhan profile image

      sairakhan 5 years ago from Bombay , India

      Really nice thing all the girls should know this and avoid these things.I have started following you.

    • Robert 5 years ago

      In general Women operate with the general delusional state that their "feelings" are objective reality. Female biology has these "feelings" all over the place on a monthly / sometimes daily basis. So your cognitive processes are someplace between ADD / BiPolar / Schizophrenia. You have to explain this to us guys, that you are insane. We have been taught the fraud that you think (in some manor like we do). Start telling the truth & you will most surely be rewarded with a supportive, sympathetic, protective & loving partner. Stop insisting on this lie that you can perceive objective reality.. for a woman that usually comes after menopause.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 5 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Robert, you may be right, I may be crazy. But you sound just a little bitter. In general, the world would be a much better if you "logical" men admitted to having the occasional feeling. Thinking isn't everything.


    • Val 5 years ago

      Veru good article.

      A Top Eleventh (11th) and extremely Popular thing that Women Do to Destroy their Marriage is that they take advice from their girlfriends (and at least one female author on Channel 9 (WGCL) that the women must stop asking their spouse for sex, but instead must let him sweat or work hard for sex; and their spouse must read their mind to know when their wives need sex; and if their husbands do not read her mind, the woman accuse him of being insensitive, and withold sex.

      Many wives and their girlfriends disrespect Biblical Advice to the Married:

      2 ""....since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

    • Magic Mike 5 years ago

      A very good article Deborah, thanks. My wife has been behaving like this for 15 years and is crushing my spirit, despite me talking to her about it.

      When the kids are grown up I will seek freedom, and be very careful about ever living with a woman again.

      I do however enjoy my women friends a lot with their emotional insights and different views on the world, but in my experience, women are like candles: befriending them brings warmth and light into your life, but getting too close burns you.

      Your writing style and ideas are fantastic, you must be a great friend.


    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 5 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Val, you are absolutely correct, women should not withhold sex. It destroys marriages.

      Magic Mike, I'm sorry to hear about your tough marriage. Maybe you should direct your wife to hubpages. Or therapy.


    • Emmyboy profile image

      Emmyboy 5 years ago from Nigeria

      Methinks the whole problems start by picking the wrong guy.

      Sometimes the ladies become so desperate to get married and they throw caution to the winds and pick the wrong gee and a can of worms opens up before them...

      But on a brighter note, Debbie if you really believe women should not withhold sex, then we should get married asap


      Seriously speaking, both of us, we think alike, hahaha

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 5 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      You are pretty funny Emmyboy. I do think that people often become desperate and pick the wrong partner. Then spend too many years trying to change the person.

      I don't think anyone should withhold sex from their partner. Unfortunately, I'm already married. Thanks for reading though. Obviously we do think alike.


    • Sun-Girl profile image

      Sun-Girl 5 years ago from Nigeria

      WOW, What an awesome article you actually shared in here and i think these should be a great read for all ladies and guys who wants a happy and healthy relationship and especially my fellow ladies should try and always watch their tong while talking to their husband or friend.

    • writinginalaska profile image

      writinginalaska 5 years ago from southeast Alaska

      i used to pick "fixer uppers" no more, my eyes are wide open now. a great hub Deb, thanks for the reminder and the insight. :) Lvh

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 5 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Sun-Girl, thanks for your positive feedback. I think you are correct, we should all watch our tongue. It can be a dangerous weapon.

      writinginalaska, I made the same mistakes. Thanks for stopping by.


    • jberens43 profile image

      jberens43 5 years ago from Cedar Rapids, Iowa

      Wow great pointers. I've learned a lot from 7 habits of effective people, the classic book by Stephen Covey. Many of us have, money, power, family, spouse, career, our reputation, or even our Church as our centers. Obviously these differ from person to person, but the jist of it, is that if your sense of happiness relies on some external thing, then you will never be happy and if you take this out on your spouse then it's no good. Also never understood why some women stop w/ the sexors once they get married. That's a buzz kill.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 5 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      jberens43, thanks for the comments. I am quite familiar with the 7 Habits, and find it to be a useful tool. I agree, when we see happiness through external sources, we are doomed to failure and discontent.

      And I agree, when people withhold sex after marriage, it is a buzz kill.


    • JeD 5 years ago

      We were told most of those things by our pastor when we got married. Now she has finally decided that she isn't going to change me into the man she wanted. She says she married me because I asked. If she had followed half of the things in the list, we would be pretty darn happy. Instead she is going to walk out, because she deserves a chance at happiness, and for some reason can't seem to see any opportunity to do that within our 14 year marriage. Instead she believes she will find in divorce, and in conflict with me for the next 11 years over children. I believe like so many women who demeaned their husbands over the years that she will continue to be able to run over me, and she will be able to have a loyal ex-husband who takes care of her for the kids, and can have her lovers on her terms without all the mess of family. Its sad, very sad, and I know that I am not alone. If you follow your own advice, then your husband is a lucky man. My biggest regret is that I may never have the promise of marriage that I understand God created it to be.

      Sorry for all the run ons. I tend to ramble a bit when I am emotional.

    • cherrycrime26 profile image

      January Moon 5 years ago from NY, Now Living in Atlanta Ga

      Wow this a great eye opening hub, you are so dead on about men being wired differently with the sex, thats the way they release,great advice, voted up!

    • Jean Bakula profile image

      Jean Bakula 5 years ago from New Jersey

      I know an old saying that goes something like this: A man marries a woman hoping she will never change, and a woman marries a man so she can begin her plans to change him. I know that we have no power to make a person change, no matter how much we love them. But I think it's one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn in my life. It's only lately I've had to apply it to my marriage though. Nice to "see" you!

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 5 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Hi Jean, I have heard that saying before. You make a good point. The only person we can change is ourselves. It is nice to see you too!

      Thanks for reading cherrycrime.I appreciate your comments.


    • PiaC profile image

      PiaC 5 years ago from Oakland, CA

      I think your point about people who are constantly unhappy ruining their marriages is absolutely spot on.

    • PeanutButterWine profile image

      PeanutButterWine 5 years ago from North Vancouver, B.C. Canada

      Wow this is a wonderful Hub I loved it so much i hopped over and read the one for men! I look forward to reading more! :)

    • Artin2010 profile image

      Artin2010 4 years ago from Northwestern Florida, Gulfcoast

      I agree, a very good hub, no worry we men go into marriage not knowing what to expect. The worse relationships are when both parties have multiple personalities! That can be dangerous! lol Thanks for sharing, voted up. Blessings, Art

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 4 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Art, thanks for the feedback. It is terrible when both parties go into a relationship with hidden agenda's. No healthy ending in that.


    • adubi 4 years ago

      Great write up.I quite agree that the tougher the situation and putting Jesus First, the stronger the love becomes.Marriages can only overcome all through absolute trust in the love of Christ.

    • manthy profile image

      Mark 4 years ago from Alabama,USA

      so true, well written hub

    • God Said 3 years ago

      Add these:

      - Operating in denial of the fact that she & her family have a diagnosed history of BiPolar-Schizophrenia (yup, medically defined as crazy).

      - Being a Feminist (read: co-morbid Borderline Personality Disordered)

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 3 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Denial is hard to overcome. Until she is ready, she will not be healthy or happy. And neither will her spouse.

      Although I agree that feminism has done a lot to destroy marriage, and relationships in general, I would not agree that feminists are necessarily personality disordered. There has been a culture of oppressing women. That, however, does not excuse our bad behavior.


    • Jean 3 years ago

      Tell me that you all are kidding about this.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 3 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD


      While I do sometimes write humorous posts, this is not one of them. Which part do you think I am kidding about?

      If you mean the blog in general, then no. I am not kidding. Both women and men practice behaviors that can be detrimental to a relationship. Do you object to something in particular, or just the idea in general?

    • Jean 3 years ago

      Hi Deborah,

      Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I apologize if I come across in a rude way. I don't mean to give that impression, but

      the reason, I asked if you were kidding, is to find out why an article like this was written to women only, when we all know, that men are just as much to blame for relationship problems and failures as women. and sometimes more. 4/16/13

      I am confused as to why we find women writers who feel the need to point out women's bad habits, while we rarely, see men writing to blame their own men for relationship problems. What is your take on this?

      It saddens me when I happen upon these articles. I would for once, like to see you female writers, produce a piece of work, that pointed out men's bad habits.

      The more we progress as a human race, the more we put my gender behind.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 3 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Hello Jean,

      I appreciate your well thought out response. As a woman writer, I hope to further the cause of women and relationships.

      I have also written a blog on the top ten mistakes that men make to destroy their marriage. Typically speaking, women behave in certain and sometimes predictable ways in relationships. Men have other, different shortcomings that they use to sabotage relationships.

      It is not really about one gender being right and the other being wrong. Rather, we are different and we behave differently in relationships. We all have habits that can be counterproductive. I am hoping to bring some awareness to those habits in order to approve a relationship.

      My goal in writing these blogs is to help people see where their own behavior could be causing a problem in relationships. It is certainly not to vilify women or men, by any means. And for the record, I have had men complain about the blog "The top 10 things med do to destroy their marriage".

      My hope is that by helping people learn about some common mistakes, they can repair their own relationships.

      Thanks for taking the time to write.


    • Luther 3 years ago

      You are a beautiful soul. If our women humble themselves Ande accept your advice, you will see more and more "promiscuous" men running down the isle with substantially less inhibition. These bullets are the EXACT reasons that most men fear marriage. Especially when his partners insecurities inevitably lead to us having to give severance pay to the woman that broke our heart. You are really contributing to the solution a opposed to perpetuating three problem and I Prey that more people read this. I am in a relationship now, and honestly I was almost about to subscribe to the theory that if I married her the negativity that she is portraying will cease. Now I have reassured my original position that I am not the solution to any defects in character and a ring won't change her. I am going to focus on being the best person I can be for myself and my partner, but ultimately, I will not pacify her behavior and if I discover that she continues to meet the mold of this list, I will have to move on and give her time self reflect. seeing a woman write these things helps me to understand that it is not excusable. it is not an unrealistic expectations for a man to have a wife or woman who is not making him unhappy all the time. it is not an unrealistic expectation to have a wife that respect you. and clearly based off of the fact that you wrote this blog in you are a woman it is not impossible to find a woman who is willing to take responsibility for her emotions in her responses to those emotions as well as her actions. so in short I think I'm going to wait until I find my Deborah. thank you again.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 3 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you for the comments. Best of luck with your search.


    • Sue Adams profile image

      Juliette Kando 3 years ago from Andalusia

      "7. Undermining his authority, but demanding he take full responsibility. In any organization, there must be a leader, someone in charge."

      Hhmmhh... I'm not so sure about that. Surely in a partnership repnsibilities and leadership is shared.

      Other than that, I take my hat off for you article. It is very well written and most useful.

    • Mitzy 2 years ago

      A man has NO authority in marriage nor is he RIGHT to expect such if he ignores the doctrine or conditions that awards that to him by his creation. If he is not living a Godly life, or following the "instructions" that come with the woman and how to honor her as he does himself, etc. He has no authority. I would never agree that a woman submit authority to a Godless man, which unfortunately so many are, and many men that claim to be worshiping God, in reality only worship themselves. No woman should EVER submit submission to such men, nor is she bound to. This double standard approach is the MAIN cause of abuses in the marriage by the man, and a leading cause of divorice. Women can read past the "part" most men do. Not a good article, and yes there is an out, and it too is in the Bible, regarding not associating with "unbelievers" .

    • Johnf72 2 years ago

      Im grateful for the blog article.Much thanks again. Cool. gkgegffcfkec

    • mdscoggins profile image

      Michelle Scoggins 2 years ago from Fresno, CA

      Great article Deborah. Many times relationships are ruined by unknown psychological issues and unhealthy ways one learned to relate to others. Thanks for this information.

    • Evening 2 years ago

      This was good until I got to #7. What a blatantly sexist remark! You should be ashamed to even call yourself a woman! No man will EVER have authority over me! We will be partners...maybe not always equal since relationships don't work like that but as 50-50 as we can get. I do not understand women who are anti-feminists like you.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you for your comment.


    • David Trujillo profile image

      David Trujillo Uribe 2 years ago from Medellin, Colombia

      very much true in my relationship although I am still not married. I would modify the sex part though, it isn´t that women need to satisfy our needs just to keep us happy, cause that won´t end well. But making sex an adventure after sleeping with the same person for years, that´s something that would revive a spark in my relationship. It gets boring you know.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks for the comment, David.

      It is true, that keeping things exciting and adventurous is a challenge after many years. Best of luck to you,


    • manatita44 profile image

      manatita44 2 years ago from london

      Interesting and loving Hub, Deborah.

      Another and gentlier way, perhaps, of asking us to be better, more wholesome human beings. OM Shanti!

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you, Manatita for your comments.

      Yes, it is a way to ask us all to be more connected, more whole and more honest with ourselves and our loved ones.


    • Gary Mathews 2 years ago

      Very good article Deborah, I had no idea you had met my ex

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Gary Mathews, That was funny. But a lot of us women make these mistakes. Hopefully we can learn to be better, all of us, for each other.

      Thanks for reading,


    • Jon 13 months ago

      Also, alongside suicide as a subject that we're not allowed to discuss, there is also domestic violence:

      40% of all victims are male.

      70% of abusers in non-reciprocal violent relationships are women.

      In the UK - 1,000+ beds for female victims of domestic violence, 60 for men.

      But no, the problem is men and only men, right? Right, because only women are allowed to be victims, because men don't have emotions.

      More women need to start viewing men as human beings and not as sub-human slaves who dispense cash and are fair game for persecution and ridicule.

      I'm sorry if I appear to have gone off the deep end, but this seems like a reasonable thread with some compassionate people in it, which is why I hope you'll be receptive to some of the facts and the different perspective I have to offer on the matter of marraige.

      I don't expect people to agree, but I do believe that people should be aware that there is a perspective from males that is often ignored outright in these debates, because it doesn't convenience women to acknowledge them.

    • Reetie 13 months ago

      That's true love my hubs

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 13 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD


      Thanks for reading and for commenting. I will check out your blogs.


    • craiger-m profile image

      Craig 12 months ago from Great Britain

      Don't marry the wrong guy is probably the most important advice. If you are already picking fault after a few dates then it's time to call it quits, dont both suffer for years to come for fear of being alone.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 12 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks for your comment, Craiger-m. I agree, for men and women, the most important piece of advice I could give would be to choose the right person. Don't pick someone you want to fix, or who wants to fix you. In so doing, you set yourself up for misery and disappointment.


    • hannahwaguinao profile image

      Hannah Guinao-wa 12 months ago from Rizal Philippines

      After reading the first article on how men could destroy their marriage, I couldn't wait to read this one. In one or three points, I felt convicted by the Holy Spirit and I had to ask forgiveness from God for how I sometimes treat my husband without respect everytime he fails me. Your post is an eye-opener and it gets to the deepest part of the heart and mind. Just like the first one, I bookmarked this article and will be sharing to to my facebook account and to my hubby as well. Thank you for the amazing insights! Stay blessed!

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 12 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Hannahwaguianao, thank you for your heartfelt input. I appreciate you sharing this with us. God has asked us to respect our husbands, because it is one of the hardest things for us to do.

      Thank you for taking the time to read the article.


    • DW 12 months ago

      Great article! I am happy to say that I never experience any of these from my wife.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 12 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      DW, you must have a great wife and a strong marriage. Congratulations.


    • SeaSunChase profile image

      Denise Chase 12 months ago from Florida

      What a great video on the 'marital bus'!! Great insights in this article. God is the rock in our marriage.

      Someone replied to one of my articles and said, "know yourself, trust yourself and love yourself" and without doing so, you can't expect someone to do the same with you.

      Great read!

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 12 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD


      Thanks for stopping by and reading, and for taking the time to comment.

      You are right, until we love ourselves, we are hardly ready to be loved by anyone else.

      Take care,


    • AA 11 months ago

      OMG, my wife score 9/10. I usually would argue back but it always turn out to be even worst. So I stopped comment or talk back whenever she show faces, angry, demotivating me, highly expectation and etc all like above. The only things she dont do is talk my bads things infront of friends or family. Sometimes it over my limit and I would spill it all out about what i feel about it, sometimes she listen and it would turn to be good but not for long, maybe last a week or so. I'm tired of it and start to shut myself out. She is being quite this few days and ignoring, we just do our own stuff... kind of peaceful but not comfortable and feels weird. I mostly do the cooking, cleaning, hang cloth and etc. We would work together to feed the kids but she dont like to do that because is very hard to work patiently with that. What she would do is fold cloth, help to read books to kids, prepare the kids bags and monitoring our financial. While I work hard like cow and came back home continue to be like a cow, it is like 24/7 working. I used to always massage for her like 100 days in a year and i would get 1 days in a year (just simply do). I already stop to expect anything much from her and used to it, whenever she would do just once, i would be very happy. After reading this, i'm not sure how i should approach her to read this article and something she needs to fix. I just shared this privately to her FB. I try not to explain the content where this is the area that happen which would scare me out where she might take it as a complain. I still love her, still thinking how to change this and makes things better. Any advice would helps :)

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 11 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD


      Thank you for taking the time to read this article and comment on it.

      The most important thing to remember is that you can only change yourself. You can only control yourself. And only you can make yourself happy.

      As you move through your relationship, you can only work on yourself. And you are the only person who can determine what you will do.

      I wish you the best,


    • benalla abdellah profile image

      Benalla Abdellah 11 months ago from Morocco

      Thank you Deborah Demander i like your hub

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 11 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you benalla abdellah, for reading and commenting.


    • Toying habib 11 months ago

      Thanks god bless you.

    • Valerie 11 months ago

      The only one I have an issue with is when the article says this:

      "When you refuse to meet his need for physical release, you are making a much deeper statement; you do not care about or respect his needs. This is not about whether you like or dislike sex. It is much more important than that. Your spouse needs to connect with you on a physical level, whether you are in the mood or not."

      Shoot, if they really just want to have sex without being concerned whether their partner is in the mood or not, don't get married. Don't even have sex with a human being, just buy a sex freaking doll!

      So, what, the woman is just supposed to allow her husband to rape her? A woman is just expected to have sex with her husband when she's not in the mood? Yeah, that doesn't sound selfish at all! This comment is hypocritical. In the same paragraph where they accuse a woman of being selfish for not being in the mood to make love to her husband, they selfishly suggest that a woman should make love to her husband even when she isn't in the mood!

      My issue isn't with sex itself. But rather with the selfish husband who just expects his wife to put out every time he wants it. That is so selfish and degrading to women! YOU'RE WIFE IS NOT A SEX DOLL!! If that's what you wanted then that's what you should have married!!

      What I also don't like about this statement is how the author generally seems to approve and expect every woman to accept that "Oh, you're husband is going to treat you like a sex object, and you're just supposed to be okay with that." NO!! No, no, NO!! Sex, is not just about sexual release and physical satisfaction. Yes, that is a part of it, but it is supposed to be a beautiful and sacred bonding of souls. An act where BOTH parties (not just the woman), should selflessly care about the sexual and intimate needs of each other. Meaning, the man should NOT be allowed to treat his wife like a sex doll! It seems like you would approve of a man telling his wife "Okay, it is time to have sex, strip off your clothes." without giving a damn about her needs or wants whatsoever. A good husband CARES about whether his wife is in the mood or not. A Good husband does his due diligence to romance her and all other manners of foreplay. NOT just to get her in the mood, but doing these things because he GENUINELY loves her and wants to show her non-sexual intimacy affection!

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 11 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Toying habib, thank you for reading, and may God bless you also.


    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 11 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD


      Thank you for reading, and taking the time to write a very well thought out and written comment.

      I begin with the basic premise that most people are married to someone they love, who loves them in return. The situation you describe is abusive, and if that is the case, then there are probably underlying problems as well.

      What I am referring to is when we, as women, use sex as a weapon to punish our husbands. We are all, men and women, guilty of bad, bratty behavior, now and then.

      Using sex as a weapon to shape someone's behavior is unacceptable in a healthy marriage. And in a healthy marriage, both people would ideally be serving the best interest of their partner.

      In general, I believe that women can get pouty and withhold affection to prove a point. I am suggesting that this is not a healthy way to work out issues in a marriage.

      I appreciate your comment and again, thanks for reading.


    • fatkidontherocks 11 months ago


      I can tell this is a sensitive subject for you. Please understand that if you don’t fill his physical need, he will seek it elsewhere whether it is through pleasuring himself or seeking it from someone else. I never thought that I would be that guy, but I did exactly that.

      Here are a couple of things you can do to help resolve some of the conflict.

      I’m understanding that you need to be in the mood and that it is his responsibility to put you in that mood? You’re holding him to a high standard that he doesn’t understand. Your life isn’t a sex novel and he probably doesn’t read them. Men are motivated more by rewards than punishment. When I feel like my failures are constantly being recognized and my accomplishments are not, I feel like a failure. I don’t want to repeat failures. Attempting sexual affection, only to be denied, is a failure. I can send my wife flowers, send sweet text messages, tell her that I love her. If I’m not getting rewarded for those efforts, why bother? Clearly they aren’t indicating to her that I really do love her, because otherwise she would respond sexually to me. Appreciate the little things in life and bigger things will come.

      If he’s making a sexual advance, let him know when you aren’t interested in sexual contact, but also indicate when you think you’re going to be ready. This doesn’t completely shut him down and gives him something to look forward to. When that time comes, you need to try to follow through. If you continually deny him or continually fail to meet his needs a later indicated time, he’s going to take a reward for being patient when you’re not around. Be cognizant that you aren’t putting him on a schedule, that’s also bad. Occasionally, find a way to put yourself in the mood even when you are not. You can do it just like a guy goes through a different process to prevent premature ejaculation. Why do you think we watch sports? We need to know who plays each position on the baseball team to help us with our distraction.

      If you are in the mood, don’t be afraid to make the move. Caress him or start to undress him. Holding hands, hugging, & kissing are all good, but don’t always indicate that you’re in the mood. Those are normal parts of an intimate relationship and if you aren’t getting that, you need to initiate it. They show him that he is loved. If he’s pushing back when you are trying to show these types of affection, you should probably try to do it when he isn’t watching a football game.

      If you’re never in the mood, you probably don’t feel loved. Take some time to listen to what interests him, he will in turn listen to what your interests are and you’re going to feel loved? If I’m wrong on that, it’s because I’m a man. This is just what I think works. If I’m listening to my wife rant and rave without taking the time to let me be part of the conversation, I shut down and wonder “why I’m putting myself through this torture, she doesn’t care about me at all. All I hear is blah blah blah, not a single coherent word or theme is coming out of her mouth.”

      Don’t initiate sex out of obligation, but seek him out when you’re in the mood. If it is out of obligation, he will notice it and both of you will resent each other. Sometimes when you’re seeking him out for it, he may not be in the mood, but without hints, he’s not going to know when you’re in the mood and will try to push you into it, because it’s part of the marriage, part of the connection that you two share; it’s also what he thinks he needs to do to make the marriage work. If his efforts in pursuing you are dismissed or discouraged, he’s going to stop the pursuit altogether with you and I’m not just talking about the sex.

      Don’t schedule him. By giving him a limited window when it’s the best time for you, it tells him that you only love him at this time of the day. Well one might think that. It’s not even doing that. You’re telling him you two have more of a business relationship than a love relationship. That it is task oriented. He’s going to complete that task as quick as possible, because, let’s get real, he has other tasks in his life to accomplish. If you have children and they were planned, he remembers how active you were in meeting the goal of having children. This is very similar in lacking the “love” in love making; it’s just “making.” This also goes for giving him a time limit or hurrying him along. Let him show you he loves you in the way that he truly does.

      One last item, if you have any thoughts during sex that aren’t sex related, DO NOT SHARE them. There’s a time and place for everything. This isn’t your opportunity to get his ear for something that you don’t think he would otherwise listen to you.

      I can understand why you might feel like a sex doll or a piece of meat to him. For him, part of showing his love to you is through making love with you. He needs that as much as he needs the release. Bootycalls are a lot cheaper and for the most part, don’t require the emotional, time, or financial commitment. He has a need to feel loved. Invest in his emotional development and he will invest in yours.

    • Valerie 11 months ago

      Deborah and fatkidontherocks,

      I do appreciate your replies. But, I feel like I had been misunderstood. The reason I had the reaction I did to the original comments about sex is because I felt like the way it was worded and the way it was presented made sex sound like a forced obligation of the woman which I do not approve of at all.

      First, I have to come clean about something that I can tell was already an assumption about me by no fault of yours. I am not married. I have never been married. I am still a virgin and saving myself for marriage should it be God's will for me to marry.

      To be quite honest, I am not opposed to sex. As a grown woman, I can confidently say, that I look forward to being physically intimate with my future husband. I'm assuming we're all adults here, so I feel I a can be open about that. I do ask though, that my opinions are not disregarded due to me being single and a virgin. I may not be married, but, I have learned a lot from other married, wise couples regarding marriage in general. I am the type of person who likes to be prepared for things before they happen and marriage is no exception. Granted, there are things in life we simply cannot prepare for as many things are unpredictable as is the way of life. But, I try to gain as much wisdom as I can when it comes to topics that matter and are worth gaining wisdom about.


      I think I misunderstood you in the original post you wrote on the matters concerning sex. But, to be fair, I don't feel like you were clear on what exactly you meant by your original comment concerning sex. Like I already mentioned, when I read it in the blog post, I thought you meant that a woman should be obligated to have sex with her husband whether she likes it or not. THAT is what I was understanding from that and that is what I was bothered by. But yes, I do agree that sex should not be used as a weapon to "train" one's husband. I fully believe that God created sex as something a beautiful, sacred, bonding and a fun experience for a husband and wife to share and enjoy throughout their lifetime together.

      To fatkidontherocks,

      I read the sections where you said it isn't good to put your husband on a schedule to have sex with him. But I wonder if that is always the case. The reason I wonder that is because, what if they've been married for a while and have children? Having children takes time and effort and massively affects the couple's life. So, with raising kids, going to work, being tired at the end of the day, it might make sense to intentionally set aside time to make love, to go on date nights, or have whatever private time that the couple in question prefers. I don't know, I think scheduling time in that context doesn't mean the woman is saying "I only love you during this particular time". As a woman, it may convey the message of, "I am deliberately making time for us to spend time alone together to be intimate and touch bases on various levels because I love you enough to intentionally make time for you." I think doing it that way is better than giving them leftover time. Because when a couple lives a busy life, they have so many things going on, making time for one another is better than giving them leftover time. That's like saying, "I don't really care enough about you to set aside quality time with you, I'm just going to give you leftover time where you don't have my full attention or the best 'me' I have to offer." To me, that sounds like it would suck.

      Also, in general, I don't think my standards are too high for expecting him to put me in the mood IF we're already great at communicating concerning our intimate relations. Maybe this kind of advice might be for a couple who is struggling in the areas of intimacy, which, to be fair, that is what you believed about me. But personally, I believe a couple should be open and honest in general, including what they expect on a physically intimate level. I think communication is important for all aspects of a relationship, including physical intimacy. Just because a couple is married doesn't mean they're mind-readers. If I were to marry, I would want to discuss these intimate issues with my husband before I marry him. One of the signs that he and I would be compatible is that he would also want to have that open and honest discussion about sex and what we expect as well. I think if a couple is open and honest with one another and they are aware of one another's love languages and are willing and ready to express love the way their partner understands love, I don't think it would be such a struggle for one partner to turn on the other. But yes, your advice does seem reasonable for couples who are struggling in the areas of intimacy. It seems like you and I would agree that these struggles probably started with a lack of communication of some kind and they started to grow apart.

      Anyway, those are just my thoughts on the matter.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 11 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD


      Thank you for a well thought out comment. I appreciate having some male input on the conversation. You make some very good points here.


    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 11 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD


      Thanks for adding additional food for thought to the conversation. I have been married three times. The first time, I was only a sex object to my much older husband. It was humiliating and degrading. The second time, my husband tried to teach me that there are more important aspects to a relationship than just the physical ones. He would withhold sex and affection from me, if he felt I had behaved in a manner in which he did not approve.

      For the record, I love sex, in spite of these experiences. This time around, I have married a man who is not twenty years my senior, but who is my age, and who shares my intense sex drive. We don't argue about sex. We just enjoy each other immensely.

      I wish you the best, in life and in relationships. Thanks again for your comments.


    • Dan 11 months ago

      Not sure I agree with #5, I saw a previous reply you had about a similar concern but I don't think you really answered the concern that person (and I pose). So what I'm getting from #5 is that regardless "what mood" she is in she should just be intimate with her husband. Not sure about most guys but I can tell if my wife is into it or not and when's she's not its a major turn off. Personally I'd rather not do it then do it and she's not interested at all.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 11 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Ricky and Dan, Thank you both for reading and for taking the time to comment.

      Ricky, I will check out your blog. Good luck with your book.

      Dan, I went back and re-read number 5, and I will stand by what I wrote. I am not suggesting that a woman should put out, regardless of the mood she is in. What I am saying is that withholding affection and intimacy is a dangerous weapon and should not be employed against your spouse. Women often use sex or rather, withhold sex from their partner, in order to teach a lesson or elicit certain behavior. I think this is wrong.

      Hope that makes more sense.


    • fatkidontherocks 11 months ago

      When your married friends tell you that marriage is tough and that it isn’t going to be everything you ever expected, you should probably listen to their advice. I thought “Nah that’s not going to be me. My woman is great.” I’ve been married for 16 years and have three children (6, 8, & 10). My wife loves me very much; however, she is a task-oriented person and runs her life off of a schedule. It’s great for the children, because it sets expectations throughout their day. But, when it comes to sex, it’s an afterthought. I can set my clock by when she’s in the mood. It’s between 9pm when she’s finally calmed down from household chores and taking care of children to 10pm when she falls asleep. Why is it that I feel like a chore? Because that’s all she’s done all day long from 6am when she wakes up to do her exercise routine to 10pm when she goes to sleep. I would suspect that this is the way it is with many couples. We’ve managed to break up the routine a little, but I know that I’m still penciled in from 9pm-10pm, that’s if she doesn’t fall asleep first.

      It’s unrealistic to require your man to put you in the mood, even if you are great communicators. When he has to work for sex, he’s going to give up trying. I know I would. It shouldn’t be a chore. It should really be about two people who mutually want to satisfy each other and really enjoy it. When you’re exhausted at 9pm at night and all you want to do is sleep or relax, sex is really the last thing on your mind and his too. He needs sex, like he needs to eat. Not as frequent, but it is an essential need.

      One more thing I want to share, and I can bet just about every man can agree with me, although most women I’ve talked to disagree. When a woman wears pajama pants to bed, it signals to the man that sex is not on the menu for the night, she’s not in the mood.

      Things will change once you are married, count on it. There are two books that I’ve read that were helpful and you should read them too. The first one is Love and Respect, the second one is His Needs Her Needs. Couples counseling both before and after you two say I do, should be incorporated into your relationship. No matter how great of communicators you think you are, you two speak a different language.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 10 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD


      Thanks so much for your thoughtful insight.

      I couldn't agree more.

      Things do change when you get married. And you must make sex a priority. Especially women. Most women don't need sex, the way men do, and so they must make an effort to take care of that need. But once you get going, it's pleasurable for both.

      I think your statement about sex being the last thing on either person's mind, after a long day at work, is right on the money. That's why I go to bed naked. First, so that my husband and I can be close, even if we aren't having sex, and second, so that if during the night or early in the morning, we can have an unexpected interaction.

      Weekend mornings are a great time to take the time to really turn each other on, and enjoy being together.

      As for the books you suggest, they are both excellent resources, and I would highly recommend them to anyone who is married.

      Thanks again for reading and for writing.


    • TheRealTruthOfAll 8 months ago

      Well many women that have their Careers nowadays have really Destroyed many of us Good men already and Unfortunately continue to do so because of their Greed And Selfishness that they carry around with them Everywhere they go since they really want the Best and will Not settle for Less. Many marriages have broken up over this already and many more will since these women want it all right now which many of them have left their families over this which makes it very sad how the women of today have really Changed for the Worst. Most of the Good old fashioned women of years ago i would say were the Best compared to the women of today that really Don't give a damn. This is a very Excellent Reason why many of us Good men are still Single today which the women out there are really to Blame especially with all those Feminists that are now out there. When you compare the women of years ago that really had to Struggle along with their men to make ends meat which it was very Rough for them in those days since they Hardly had any money at all since they had to live with their Parents too. Quite a Change in the women of today compared to the early days when our family members were very Fortunate finding Love with one another back then which today for many of us Good men that are still Single it is very Difficult finding Love today. Too bad many of us men that really wanted to meet a Good woman to settle down with that we Weren't Born back then which it really Would Have made a big difference in our life.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 8 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you, TheRealTruthOfAll, for reading and commenting. While I do agree that it is hard to find real love, and challenging to have a lasting relationship, I believe that men and women both are responsible to make things work.


    • TheRealTruthOfAll 8 months ago

      What i really said with my last comment is very much the truth since the times today as you can see are so much different than it was back then which Both men and women really had it very Tough. Many marriages did last a very long time which today many marriages are failing Unfortunately which is real sad. Like i mentioned with my last comment is that with so many Career women nowadays are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, and very money hungry as well since it is all about them which definitely has caused many marriages to fall apart when Both men and women should work hard together to keep their marriage going which they really Don't. So as you can really see that the times today does have a lot to do with it. My aunt and uncle just celebrated their 68th year together which many marriages today Unfortunately Don't even last 10 years anymore. For many of us Good Single men which i do speak for others that really had hoped to meet a Good woman to settle down with which the women of today are really to Blame for our Singleness since Most women today really do want the Best and will Never settle for Less at all. Thank you very much for your support. Peace.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 8 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you for the additional comments, TheRealTruthOfAll.

      I agree that men and women do need to work together to have a successful marriage. Without cooperation and keeping the other's interests in mind, it is very difficult to have a strong marriage.


    • wmt13 7 months ago

      While this is a great article, I must disagree with the being happy part. If there are struggles in your marriage, and your partner is a contributing factor to the issues but not resolve, no one should be expected to pretend and be happy. If there are real stresses, they are your partner and you work together through those stresses. The root cause of alot of unhappiness in women is the very opposite article you wrote to the men. You can pretend to be happy only so long when you feel utterly alone in your marriage, when the blame is turned on you and there is no sense of ownership. It is a two way street.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 7 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      wmt13, I appreciate you reading and commenting on the article. I do not think women should pretend to be happy. My point is that often times, people, not just women, are miserable just for the sake of being miserable. Some people are mean, unkind, unhappy and rude, just because. They don't even need a reason. I am suggesting that rather than defaulting to misery mode, people, and women in particular, step outside of their comfort zone, and be happy.

      Happiness is a choice, regardless of the circumstances of your life. You can always choose happiness. That is my suggestion.

      Thanks for reading,


    • Michael 6 months ago

      I do not think it fair to state that, for instance if a man is addicted to pornography before marriage he will be addicted forever. That's simply not true

    • Man 6 months ago

      If you are closed, we still need to shop somewhere else.

    • More2LifeThanJesus 6 months ago

      If Jesus were in your marriage you would be in a three way. Don't think "Jesus" is the answer to "your" problems. Sorry.

    • Sad Dude 5 months ago

      This article hit me hard. I have been the brunt of my wife's criticism and disrepect and disconnect for the majority of our 20-plus years of marriage. While I admit to having flaws, I have tried to love, cherish, honor her with every fiber of my being only to have the exact opposite reciprocated back to me.

      How is it a wife can be given all the love in the world and to be the focus of his husband's heart and yet respond with such pain and hurt in return? My head spins daily wondering what I did to deserve such ugliness and unkindness from another human being.

      She has been so disconnected from me for years now that she rarely says an encouraging word to counter the criticism she has. She doesn't want to hold my hand, sit next to me on the couch, kiss me or hug me. She doesn't ever smile my direction or gaze into my eyes. She just stabs me in the heart over and over again.

      Any women out there who want to be loved and cherished for the rest of your life? My wife sure doesn't. Or at least not by me. She's already shown me how much she values me by having an emotional affair that I exposed last summer. And while she is still with me and we are going through counseling for the past year, she has barely changed a bit. Hundreds of dollars going down the drain weekly and she can't even sit by me or hold me or smile and look into my eyes.

      Guess I'll just continue to go through life unloved by this woman whom I swore I would love and honor until death do us part. I am committed even though there's nothing there. Just sadness, bitterness, resentment over the decision to marry her. I knew it was too good to be true and that I hit the jackpot with a woman who was drop-dead gorgeous, charming, outgoing and envied by my friends. Never marry someone who is so far above you on the human ladder that you spend your whole marriage being told that she should never have married you and why would a woman like that marry you? All it does is lead to heartbreak!

    • deborah demander 5 months ago

      @sad dude,

      I am so sorry to hear about your plight.

      I'm sure you know that you can only control yourself. You have complete control over your thoughts, your emotions, and your actions.

      I would never advise anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. While you may have committed to death do you part, it sounds as though your wife has not honored her commitment to you.

      You are in control of your outcome. You choose how you want your life to look. If staying with this woman is what you choose, then you can choose internal peace, while she does her own thing. Truly, the only path to happiness is found inside ourselves.

      At some point, if you ever decide that you are worth more than this abusive behavior, perhaps you will choose a different path.

      I wish you the best on your journey.


    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 5 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Michael, I'm not sure I would ever say that if someone is addicted to pornography (or addicted to anything else, for that matter) that they are addicted forever. What I am saying is that no one has control over anyone else, or their behavior. You cannot change an addict. Only the addict can determine if they want to change.

      I am suggesting that if you are married to an addict of any sort, you can only control yourself, and your choices need to be based on that fact.

      Thanks for reading, and for commenting.


    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 5 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @ man,

      If a woman closes up shop, then of course you have a choice to go elsewhere. However, you don't have control over the consequences of your own indiscretions. Perhaps you could exert some energy in creating an environment where your wife feels turned on by you, and wants to have sex with you.

      Good luck and thanks for the comment.


    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 5 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD


      I don't think I have ever, in any situation, claimed that Jesus is the answer to people's problems. I do think a three way with Jesus would make an awesome blog, however.

      I think people should take responsibility for their own contribution to their problems.

      There are a lot of paths, none are better. They are just different.

      Thanks for the comment.


    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 5 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @ Sad Dude, I'm so sorry to hear of your plight. Although you have been committed, it sounds like you wife hasn't honored her own vows to you. That's sad.

      I would never advise anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. You have a choice. You can stay or go. If you are fully committed to staying, then you have a choice over your own perception of the relationship.

      You really only have control over your own thoughts and actions. There is nothing at all you can do to change someone else. You can only change your own thoughts and your own actions.

      I wish you the best on your journey.

      Thanks for reading and good luck,


    • Gigi 4 months ago

      I read both this one and the husband one, great articles, I'll probably send the links to my husband. I came across it in searching for how to make up for neglecting your spouse. My husband was unemployed for a few years, which effects every aspect of life, including our sex life. It's actually him that is neglecting my sexual needs, which feels very awkwardly backwards for me! Then finally he got two jobs and left me alone too much, picked up drinking and smoking pot, stopped helping me at home, and I had just gotten pregnant. He keeps saying he wants to fix it, get our sex life back, but the years of neglect are hard for me to just get over. I've been taking care of my sexual needs best I can by myself. My libido never dropped like his did, despite stress, isolation, and depression. I want to have sex with him but I need it to be good sex. I'm no longer okay with having mentally unstimulated quickies every time he's finally in the mood. Frankly, my own fantasies are better than what he's giving nowadays. When he does want to get interesting, add a toy or something, I'm too ridden with resentment to get into it, even though I do want it. It's hard to explain and I wish there was a way. I keep thinking if he could just say the right things, warm me up instead of going at it, go slow, and mentally stimulate me, then we'd have a good time, but he doesn't really know what to do, I don't feel like he puts enough thought into it, he just does what he likes to get himself off, and spelling it out for him ruins it on my end, and when he sees my unimpressed facial expressions it ruins it for him. Now I've got this big pregnant belly which makes sex harder, my favorite position is now painful, and honestly last time we had sex I wanted to cry because I wanted it so much, wanted to enjoy it and just couldn't. He's frustrated with me because in his mind he's trying to fix our sex life and sees me as being difficult about it. Yes it's his fault for creating this problem, but I also don't know how to get past it. I feel like, well I'm not a robot so I can't just snap back happily to how things used to be just because he's finally ready to try, he needs to earn that back somehow.

    • Shiva 4 months ago


    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD


      I am so sorry to hear your struggles, and I can honestly say that I know how you feel. I know those feelings of resentment, frustration and loneliness. It is hard to bear, and being pregnant only exacerbates the problem.

      My best suggestion is to talk to your husband about how you really feel, at a time when his mental state isn't altered. Don't try to make him feel guilty, just share your heart. Tell him the truth. You owe it to yourself, to him and to your unborn child.

      Be honest, be open, and tell your truth. Unfortunately, it may not change anything. Remember that you can only control yourself, not him or anyone else. So ask for what you want.

      Start out by asking him to hold you and kiss you. You won't enjoy sex if you are filled with resentment, so address that first. Reconnect on a smaller level.

      I wish you the best.


    • soundofsilence 4 months ago

      Ugh....this article is frustrating. Having first read your article "Top 10 Things that Men Do To Destroy Their Marriage," and my husband actively engaged in most of them, the reasons women may do these top 10 things is BECAUSE of what their man is doing! He is emotionally closed off, hardly talks to me about anything more in depth than the weather, works 12 hours a day, then sits on the couch with his phone or laptop, doesn't back me up with the kids, then asks if we can go "mess around" in the bedroom! Oh, okay! (not) Sorry, but I am not really "feelin' it." I feel lonely, disrespected and taken advantage of. That leads to "always feeling unhappy." See?? One behavior results in the other.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      soundofsilence, Thank you for taking the time to read the article, and to comment. I can empathize with your frustration.

      It is difficult to give and give, and get nothing in return. My best advice to you, in such circumstances, is to be open and honest. If you love him and he loves you, then you owe it to yourself and to your marriage to be honest. Tell him you feel lonely and abandoned. Tell him you need his time and attention. Tell him the truth.

      Perhaps he will hear your truth, and respond.

      I wish you the best.


    • Tommy C 3 months ago

      I have just read ur top 10 reasons.

      Isn't that emotional abuse??? I do realize the things that a woman chooses to do while being married is a choice,And for some.reason both men and woman in a marriage seem to forget that 5he vows they both took and agreed on was a promise to GOD,AND EACHO5HER, AND THEMSELVES!!!

      When I married ,I married because I loved her with all my heart,and I gave her all my heart.She married me for her.CONVEINANCE, but I didn't know this at the time.All I herd from her was How great I was,how amazing I am and how much I mean to her,oh ya...and I found in you what I never thought existed.......Y would t I marry her...she loved me write.....NOT EVEN CLOSE..

      the 10 reasons you listed are signs of a lot more than just sabotaging your marriage.I cant see how we can make light of this when the marriage vows today don't mean anything anymore......

      Do you think we would be here if all our parents treated the vows the same way as todays couples.....

      Nope....we wouldnt......there is something wrong in society today....

      For the couples who have walked thru the fire ,and felt the heat but kept walking together.GOD BLESS YOU BOTH...

      Some people.are very hurt and disappointed in their marriage and why and how it failed One person gives everything they got to give,to the.other, but the other for some.reason or another simply gives up fails the.marriage..

      My opinion on this is simple....

      One of the two parties never really wanted ,or intended to walk thru the fire,when it started to burn even though they promised they would.

      A shame for everybody involved.....all the kids...adults ...inlaws....

      A dann shame.

    • Gentleman 2 months ago

      true article

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 2 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @TommyC, It sounds like you've had a bad experience and I'm sorry to hear that. Hope things go better for you and your family. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on the article.

      Gentleman, thank you for reading and commenting. Best wishes.


    • Susan Straney 2 months ago

      What if your husband puts you down, says hurtful things, expects sex, and then is angry when your not willing to (oh and your crying)? After reading this article I believe he thinks I withhold sex and "acts" unhappy to retaliate, but I truly am hurting emotionally. I have poured my heart out and have done everything I can think of to get him to try to understand how I feel when he says the things he does. This article in my opinion is just what he needed to again put me down for not measuring up to what he wants and denies what he has done to me. Trying counseling and so far we can't get to the root of the verbal and emotional abuse and he says there is no abuse. In my case, the article undermines feelings that a woman could be having, it's not always as simple as her just being mad about something and then playing games of withholding sex and acting unhappy.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 2 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Having been in an abusive marriage for nearly twenty years, I can definitely understand what you are saying.

      An abuser will never accept their role in the demise of a relationship. An abuser will always blame and cast aspersions.

      You have a choice about your life. If you are in an abusive relationship, then you can stay or you can go. It took me 19 years to get the courage to get out. If you choose to stay, realize that there will never be anything you can ever do to make him different.

      The only person you can control is yourself.

      Best of luck to you.


    • don9ja 3 weeks ago

      Great article I love it thanks for that


    • Ocean is me 3 weeks ago

      Oddly enough... my husband does some of these to me. Lol

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 3 weeks ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you for taking the time to read and comment upon the article. I'm glad you enjoyed it.


    • Craig 2 weeks ago

      #10: People can and do change, but both parties have to be willing to change together and not expect that change should come from the other spouse!

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 13 days ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD


      I agree completely. People can and do change. Change is the only certainty we have in life. Unfortunately, changing others to fit our own unrealistic expectations rarely, if ever, works.

      You hit the nail on the head. People have to be willing to work together.


    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 13 days ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Darlene Lancer,

      Thank you for weighing in. You are absolutely right. To enter into a successful relationship requires that we have addressed our own issues first. This means coming into things with healthy self esteem.

      Until we are ready to take care of ourselves, we can never expect our needs to be met my someone else.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.


    • difficultdonna 28 hours ago

      how can someone change when they are still going through some very difficult times with their past and just recently dealt some hard health issues? I am with a man who wants to have sex multiple times a week. i am simply not in the mood....such a difficult situation. he gets so angry i cant take it....He is 56 and I am 52...advice?

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 25 hours ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD


      Thanks for reading and for your question.

      The best suggestion I can offer is to first of all, speak your truth. Tell your husband the truth. He may not like it, but if speak your truth with kindness and love, then you honor Who You Really Are, you honor your husband, and you honor your relationship.

      Is there something he can do differently to make sex more appealing to you? Is there a compromise you can reach? Work together to reach a manageable solution, without anger, blame or resentment.

      Finally, let go of the past. It is over. Today is a new day. There is nothing you can do to change the past. Forgive yourself and move forward.


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