Top 10 Ways Men Destroy Their Marriage
Neglected Wife Symptoms—Ways Husbands Destroy Their Marriages
It is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. So, while this list below may seen daunting, always remember that. If life is stressful, then work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek the things that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.
Also, while both the husband and wife should take responsibility for their part in a marriage, below are ten mistakes common to men. Read on to learn about the behaviors of men which can completely destroy a marriage.
1. Leaving Her Alone
One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to leave your wife alone. This means things like spending long hours at work and following it up by a beer or several afterward with the guys. Then, when you get home, you don't engage her or your children. Instead, you lose yourself in baseball or computer poker. Also, on the weekends, you'll complain about the messy house, then leave to run errands, and then you don't come back for several hours.
One of the most most miserable experiences for a wife is that feeling of isolation when her husband emotionally leaves the relationship. Yes, she has friends and a job. Yes, she spends a lot of time running the kids around and partaking in activities outside of her husband. It's not the same. Her desire is to spend time with you, the man she loves. To be left alone by her husband causes deep heartache for women. For most women, their largest fears boil down to isolation and deprivation. When she feels abandoned by you, she attacks with hurtful and disrespectful behavior. Her ability to verbally hurt you is her strongest weapon, and she uses it out of fear in an effort to try to get your attention.
When a wife begins to nag because you never spend time at home, never hang out with her, and never engage with the kids, chances are she is feeling abandoned and isolated. When you stop spending time together, the emotional distance between you two grows quickly.
2. Not Getting Close Enough
Your wife feels energized when she feels close to you. Refusing to let her know you is destructive to her and your marriage. While you strive to keep your independence, she longs to connect with you. It is not fair to either of you if you are only affectionate and attentive on the days you want sex or something from her. Affection and closeness ought to be an end in themselves, not a means to a different end.
Talking is not the only way women feel close, although it is an important one. Simple ways to fulfill your wife in this area are to hug her often, hold her hand, and to spend some time alone with her. When her need for closeness is met, she will be more inclined to respect your need for independence. When your wife feels close to you, she will also be more willing to engage with you on a more intimate, sexual level.
The important thing to remember is to help her feel connected. Try talking to her about your day, your fears, hopes, and dreams. Hold her hand when you go out together. Kiss her unexpectedly in the kitchen while she makes dinner. Sit next to her. Ask her how she is doing, and for a few minutes, give her your undivided attention while she answers. A little bit will go a long way and mean everything to her and, in turn, your marriage.
2.5. Closing Yourself Off to Her
Women exist as an integrated circuit. The mind, body, and soul are closely linked — so, hurt feelings affect the entire system. A wife whose spirit is crushed may suffer from fatigue and confusion. Like a strand of Christmas lights — when one light goes out, they all go dark. Men compartmentalize. If one light goes out on his strand, all the other lights function properly, unaffected. Men are able to fully function when one area of their lives is not working properly.
Your wife does not understand the closed-off and mysterious way you operate. Things don't seem to bother you. You never want to talk to her. She knows you are stressed about work, yet you don't show it or express that further to her. She wonders how you can even function. Your wife is not trying to pry or sneak her way into no-man's land. She simply wants you to be open. She wants to truly see you. She feels loved when you share your fears, worries, and troubles. She wants to be that person for you and committed to being so when you got married. She won't try to fix you. She will listen.
Try talking to her about what is going on in your life. Women like to vent, without seeking a solution, and she wants to give you the freedom to share yourself verbally.
3. Always Trying to "Fix" Her
Even when she doesn't always say it, your wife sees you as her strength. As the bearer of her burdens. When she comes to you for help to lighten the load from the weight of her world, it is a compliment. She knows you can handle it.
Rather than trying to resolve and repair every issue, however, try to just listen to her. You might even ask if she needs a solution or just an ear. It will be a relief for both of you when you realize that sometimes you don't have to fix all the problems. Furthermore, when you listen, she will feel like you understand her (even if you don't, which is okay).
4. Never Saying "I'm Sorry."
All marriages have conflict. The refusal to apologize is a quick way to destroy yours. While conflict is not a pleasant thing, growth and closeness can increase as conflict is resolved. For your wife, an apology means she has moved forward through the conflict, and she is now seeking peace.
Many husbands see apologizing as a sure sign of weakness. They think, "If I apologize, she won't respect me." On the contrary, if you humbly apologize and ask her forgiveness, your wife will be putty in your hands. Your small act of contrition soothes her spirit, and acts as a healing balm over her heart. Furthermore, it shows that you're open and willing to make things work, that you care enough to admit to your faults and move past and through them.
5. Taking Her Insecurities Too Lightly
Your wife knows she is highly committed to you. When she sees you looking at other women, in the mall, on TV, on the computer, and in other places, she fears that you may be unfaithful and at the very least, it may make her uncomfortable and question your attraction to them, especially if she is solely just looking at you. Regardless, she is insecure and needs your reassurance, not any belittling, joking, or teasing. These activities all devalues her feelings, which are real. When you stare at a cute young thing as she saunters by, it may be a reminder to your wife of her many imperfections. She feels insecure because she wants to know that you still love her and you looking at other women may not be so reassuring of that. It's okay for you to look at other women, in fact, it's perfectly natural. The danger is when you are blatant and aggressive, disregarding your wife's feelings and staring in spite of her discomfort.
Your wife is motivated by your love and loyalty. She has committed her life to you, and wants to feel secure in the fact that you are equally committed to her. A big symbol of your loyalty to your wife is a wedding ring. For a woman, this is a sign of your fidelity. A married man without a ring seems to be trying to hide something. This requires very little effort, if any, on your part to reassure your wife in this way, and yet it would mean the world to her. Her peace of mind ought to be worth the cost of an inexpensive, outward expression of your fidelity. You have nothing to hide. A ring is a simple, outward expression of your devotion to your wife and to your marriage. This small gesture can have deep impact.
When your wife feels insecure, she may ask if you still think she is pretty. She may ask if you love her. She may ask if you think someone else is more attractive. This is not a trap. She feels she is moving toward you, by asking a question and starting a conversation. Talking is how women feel close. She is seeking your assurance of love and loyalty. Rather than make light of the moment, look at her. No, really look at her. Tell her she is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. Give her the assurance she seeks, and ease her troubled mind.
6. Ignoring the Importance of Simple Gestures
Your wife does not require fancy jewelry or expensive meals. Granted, those things are nice, and you like to treat your wife. However, it isn't always necessary.
She feels most loved by the small tokens of your love and appreciation. When you neglect the small things, it may feel to her like you are trying to buy her affection — or ease your own guilt — with the big things. Let your wife know that she is on your mind during the day. A single rose when you walk in the door speaks volumes to her language of love. Give her a call or send her a text during the day to let her know you are thinking of her. Offer to help with dinner, or wash the dishes. These are small gifts of your time that mean the world to your wife.
For your wife, the most important days of the year are her birthday and the day she married you. Celebrate these days by spending time with just her. It will mean more than any expensive gift ever could. The cost of the gift is secondary to the thought you put into it. She wants to feel special and important to you. The way to help her feel loved is to spend time with her alone. Even if you sit home and watch a movie, give her your undivided attention.
7. Taking All the Fun Out of Sex
When you confuse sex with intimacy, it's no fun. When you only focus on your own orgasm, it's no fun. When you only show interest in your wife when you want to get lucky, it's no fun. When you devalue the depth of your sexual relationship with crude jokes and pornography, it's no fun. When you expect her to get excited instantly, it's no fun. When you neglect your wife's sexual needs, it's no fun.
When you are married, sex is supposed to be fun.
An intimate sharing, designed to bring you closer, sex should cement the bond between you. For example, think of your wife as a crockpot. Meanwhile, in this comparison, you are a microwave. Put a meal in a microwave, and you are eating within three minutes. A crockpot meal takes a lot of forethought. You need the proper ingredients. You have to put everything together, turn it on, and wait. Six or eight hours later, you enjoy a delicious meal. Your wife needs the same thoughtful consideration. Start in the morning with a kiss. Tell her she's beautiful. Women never get tired of hearing that from the man they love. Help get the kids ready for school. After work, ask about her day.
Slow, slow, slow. If you want to bring the fun back into sex, think crockpot, not microwave. You can microwave in the shower (not literally, obviously).
8. Getting Lost in Bitterness and Anger
When you shut your wife out to brood in your despair, it fills her with fear. Women like to talk things out. Men like to shut things out. When you feel stressed about work, about money, about your relationship, you turn inward. This provokes your wife's fear of abandonment and rejection.
She thinks you don't love her when you refuse to speak. This fear, and her desire to resolve conflict, cause your wife to pursue you. She wants to talk it out, not to belittle or demean you, but to feel closer. She wants you to trust her, so she can trust you. She follows you around, asking if everything is alright. You run away from her and avoid wanting to discuss what is bothering you. She knows something is wrong, and she begins to assume that she is the problem.
You can stop this train wreck before it happens by opening up to your wife. She loves you. You can trust her. Share your real feelings with her, and she will open her heart to you.
9. Not Taking Responsibility
Whether it's an addiction, an affair or poor performance in your life, many times, husbands point to their wives as the reason for their weakness. "She makes me drink because of her nagging. I cheated because she wouldn't take care of me. I'm doing poorly because she never encourages me."
It's time to take full responsibility for your own behavior. You need to take ownership of your actions. You choose to drink. You choose to cheat. You choose to work or not work. You actively do all these things on your own. Rather than blaming someone or something else, stand up and take control. Make your life reflect the values you desire. Your life is completely under your control. Today, you can choose differently. You can create exactly the life you want. Furthermore, if your wife really is the root of all the problems in your life, then take control of that as well and man up and tell her the truth. She can't change if you aren't willing to express the problem.
10. Picking the Wrong Woman. Again.
A woman in distress, who just moves from crisis to crisis, will continue to be in distress after you marry her. A nitpicking woman who criticizes your every decision will continue to nitpick. A control freak always wants control, even after the wedding. The bottom line is: if she is the wrong woman before the marriage, she'll be the wrong woman when and after you get married.
If you want a nice wife, then date a nice woman and marry her. Treat her with love and respect and she will return the kindness. Trying to rescue a woman in distress will only lead you to feel used and unappreciated. A strong marriage begins with a good-willed woman and a good-willed man. It flourishes as you both grow in love and respect toward each other.
Choosing the wrong woman sets you up for failure every time. Although you might like the feeling of being a knight in shining armor rescuing a damsel in distress, the reality of being married is much harder and much less idealistic. Marriage takes work, from both the husband and the wife. When both are committed to making the marriage a good experience, then it has a better chance of succeeding.
Work on Yourself
While this list may seem daunting, it is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. If life is stressful, work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek those thing that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.
Video: Love and Respect
Comments
My husband is always gone either work or Hogg hunting all nite. He goes 3 to 4 times a week. I recently lost 30 pounds for him to notice me. Its been one thing after another in our marriage. I cannot compete with material wants he has or crazy hobbies. I am sick of begging for any time attention or even money.. I do act out now but he just trys to turn it to my fault. He thinks hes not doing a thing wrong. I feel i am just in the way of his good time
I could have written this, but I would have had trouble listening to all that was written. Why am I hurting when my husband treats me so poorly? Why do I feel sorry for him and how our divorce will affect him?
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@Skinprof, Thanks for the great comments. You make some very good points here. I appreciate you taking the time to read and leave insightful comments. Namaste
Two
HUGE thing missed...
Placing family of origin, friends, or hobbies BEFORE marriage/relationship!!!
For example:
Making time for basketball practise or regular golf outing, but not committing to a regular date night.
Refusing to grow yet expecting wife to do so.
For example:
Choosing not to learn about children's issues or not caring about sexual issues.
Expecting wife to " handle it "
When a woman comes to you and azkz you to try something, don't judge her nor shut her out because you are uncomfortable! She made herself vulnerable and is trusting you
* when a woman is made to feel second, third or fourth, she disconnects.
* When the marriage and she are not watered and fed, sex is not even desired.
When a man doesn't lead, she doesn't feel like a woman.
Good points...
I'm actually facing this it really healed me reading the above article but the pain of being neglected remains the same.
Thanks alot. Keep sharing
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Krin, Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I appreciate your input. I actually have two books for sale on Amazon. One is a relationship book called, "The Married Girls Guide to Great Sex." The other is about an emergency landing i experienced, called "Twenty Hours in Tonopah." Feel free to check them out. You can also contact me for the paperback edition if you'd rather. Warmest regards,
Namaste
My husband has been doing all these things for a long time. His behaviour is toxic to me. I'm still with him because we have a five year old child. Otherwise I would run as far away from him as possible.
I was so sunk in your article, I couldn't stop! I would TOTALLY purchase a book if you were to ever publish. Maybe a "How to Work Together for a Happy & Healthy Marriage"?! You could totally pursue and conquer that dream if you desire, an absolutely talented writter. Thank you for sharing.
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#MGTOW, you make an excellent point! All of these problems can be avoided by not getting involved.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Namaste
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Ding250,
I wish you all the best with your marriage and your life. Relationships are not easy, and take commitment from both parties involved. I hope that you can both find common ground to begin again. Remember, you can only control yourself, your actions and your responses. Try to act from a place of love, regardless of the outcome of the current situation. Thank you for reading, and for writing this powerful comment. Wishing you all the best,
Namaste,
Deborah
It will be 2 weeks tomorrow that I found out about my husband of 16 years was having a affair. This has been the hardest 2 weeks of my life! I was totally blindsided! Yes I knew thing were not great. We did not argue, we did not talk, we just drifted and closed ourselves off from each other. Of course it was all my fault my husband said by not paying him any attention & pushing him away. Yes I will hold up my hand and say I did do that & I did do that on purpose and told him so. I also told him before being accused, Yes I am also a cow with PMT every month with a tongue as sharp as a knife. You are probably wondering why I am making a comment on this hub! But I also had to tell my husband he was not perfect! he once was! but not for the last couple of years. I have tried to tell him how he was treating me & how it made me feel but I could tell he just couldn't get it. I found your article 2 days ago by accident & saved it. I could not believe what I was reading. Points 1 to 9 was my husband & how it made me feel. I told him last night that I had something he needed to read & process in the morning and if he could not understand and learn from it point 10 was the answer for both of us. Well I left him to read it this morning & went back to bed & wait as he is a slow reader. He came through to me & said THAT'S ME with tears running down his cheeks. So the reason I am writing publicly is to Thank You from the bottom of my heart for writing this article. We are going to fine, we both know our faults, we know what we have to do. We had a great marriage and will have again. Thank You Deborah you gave my husband & myself the last piece of the jigsaw to help do this. x
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Margaret, I appreciate your pain. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do to change someone else. You only have control over your own behavior and reactions. I am sorry to hear that you and your partner have become so alienated. My only suggestions are these, and they are heartfelt and sincere. First, decide for yourself if there is something worth salvaging in your relationship. If the answer for you is yes, then you can only do your own part to create a peaceful situation. You do not have to be a passive participant in someone else's suffering and misery. If there is nothing left worth staying for, then seek your own peace. Money isn't everything.
I wish you all the best,
Namaste
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Hasin, Thank you for reading and commenting. Relationships take commitment from both parties. It is sometimes hard to get the other person to understand their part in problems. The best thing you can do is work on your own part of the solution.
Namaste
You told the women's heart openly..... But seeing this I surprised because maximum.women's are like this only right.... The one who truly loves her husband.... Well said about women's feelings.... Great.... But still husbands never understand.... They are still hurts wives....
Selfish, insenstive, passive aggressive ingrate describes my "husband". Can't do anything. Hostile, defensive and now retired. I am financially unwilling to leave him with all we have accumulated. No children and now no sex Thank God. Need advice.
Spot on! I would love to send this article to my husband of 20 years whom for the past 17 years have said lack of sex in our marriage is normal and sex with me feels like a duty. Time to move on and let him be alone. I Def don't need this man to continue to humiliate me. Sad part is waiting around for 20 years. Thank you for the article.
Thanks deborah , I like this article:-)
Good advice for everyone. Your spouse is not a tenant in your house, or your employee. Ignore her long enough, and she will go away.
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@kulderp,
Thanks for the comment. Interference from any outside person, especially the parents, is harmful to a relationship. We should put our partner first, and our parents after that. Thanks,
Namaste
One more point missing is interference of parents and giving more important to there word then husband or wife
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Thanks for reading and for commenting, Sun123. My hope is that relationships in general will improve as a result of these articles.
Namaste
Very well written! I hope more and more man/husbands read it and stop themselves from repeating these mistakes.
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Tom, Thank your for your beautiful response. Your wife is a very lucky woman, to have such a devoted, considerate and loving husband. You are a great example for all husbands. I wish all the best to you and your bride, and many more years of happiness together.
I appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment.
Namaste
Agree with most, but to always refuse the damsel in distress is not love. With what is going on in the world these days, some if the best, good willed and driven women are in distress. I have been married ten years to the woman of my dreams. If I had refused to see her and her circumstance without love, I would have never found my life mate. She had lost all to being undiagnosed with cancer; becoming very weak, underweight, losing her home, ending up in poverty, renting a slum.
I was the "wind beneath her wings," recognized her drive to survive, succeed and rebuild all the goals in life she lost. She went from survival to high function in dignity. Sure it was hard,but it was well worth it. I saw her QUEEN beneath the rough.
This "judging," of all females in distress to overgeneralize all of them is not love or compassion. The "journey," through her disease towards EASE has been a gift to both of us, AND has outcomes into.positive of helping others in health disparities. That is soul purpose love.
Love IS about seeing the person, not the manmade circumstance. Sometimes, someone needs a loving hand and no judgments. That is love as a verb.
Life is not perfect and beautiful souls get harmed in this rough world. It was not her fault that hundreds of drs refused to diagnose her and not let her love and protect herself, health, now and future. A person can only do and handle so much as sick, or worsen and dies; just like animals.
It becomes a full time us job, running g around exhausted to drs,in and out of hospitals, undiagnosed and treated like garbage; causing horrid outcomes on good people,death and suicides.
As you state you are a healer and positive, your judgements to a lady in distress is appalling and very lower self.
Choosing a lady in distress made me a better person, and she was and is the most driven person that I ever met. She is my hero, as I am hers. That is real love on a soul level. She was not the circumstance, it took LOVE as a verb to see her true self amongst that. And thank god, I did.
It made me a better person and man, and she was well worth it. These over generalizations in society ARE part of the problem.
Guess what? Horrid, low quality, negligent medical has harmed millions of lives in America. Without accurate and timy diagnosis, ones cannot thrive and function, but their lives go in a whole. Health is a basic human right.
I've also met many females that care to see the true self in males that also were not diagnosed, including so many vereans, surviving the over right year Veteran Scandal.
Our ENVIRONMNTS/societies/corrupt government t does harm and negative impact lives. Grow up, and stop telling your audience that females in distress are of no value.
There are plenty of females that have their life together that are selfish, have no good will drive, and are horrid wives that end up using males.
Every life is their own unique story, history, her story..
I truly hope you see this and stop your overgeneralized, not wise, not empathy or compassion generalizations that are FALSE.
THERE are all types of females and males in distress, not one.
Females like you are the worst enemies to other females.
I stopped reading after #1. In the same paragraph you say a husband may tell the wife the house is not clean enough, and then state same hypothetical wife has a job.
I don't know what world you live in where a woman has a job and still bears the responsibility for cleaning the house. It's split equally then. Want a maid? Make enough money so she can stay at home,and make sure you marry the kind of woman who wants to do that. 2/10 at best.
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@And The Truth Is, Thank you for your comments. I agree that women cause a lot of the problems in a marriage, which is why I wrote a corresponding article about the stupid things woman do to destroy their relationships. I hope you have a better experience if you get into another relationship. Remember to trust your instincts. Thanks for reading.
Namaste
And what about many of us good men out there that had are Exes do such a number on us already since we had our ex wife cheated on us which i had this happened to me especially when i was a very good husband that was very committed to her as well as very loving and caring which i showed her a lot of respect for her as well. That still wasn't good enough for her since she showed no emotion at all after doing that as if she really didn't care either which she turned out to be such a very pathetic low life loser anyway. This is why many marriages are failing these days since most of the time it is the women that always do the most damage in their marriage unfortunately.
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@Vicki Allen, Thank you for reading and taking the time to respond.
Namaste
What a great article! It's all true and makes perfect sense.
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Patrick, you are absolutely correct. It is far easier to say yes, and to help a woman in distress. Unfortunately, this may not always be in your own best interest. Of course, life isn't about always choosing our own interests above that of others, but there needs to be some sort of balance. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. Best of luck to you, in finding a good woman who will appreciate you.
Namaste
already got humped on by a woman in distress and lots of insecurity. Can i say no? What kind of person would i be if i say no? It's easy said than done.
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@Maple, Thank you for reading and commenting. My hope is to capture some of the common pitfalls in relationships, and speak to correcting those errors.
@Anna, I am sorry to hear that your husband doesn't want to spend time with you. Have you spoken to him about it? Do you want to spend time with him? Empower yourself by speaking your truth with kindness and love. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Namaste
My husband doesn't even care to be around me or so end time with me is it over after 34 years
The writer has well identified with the women and every women at some stage will agree to everything mentioned in this article.
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@cryinbrian,
I guess that should have been your first sign. She was looking to be rescued. Strong women want a strong man to walk beside. (And once in a while we like to be swept off our feet!)
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Namaste
Oh my god..... my ex wife had a knight in shining armour saving the girl painting in our (pardon me, her) house. Thanks, you picked me up a bit today.
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@lonelyone,
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I'm sad to hear of your plight.
My suggestion is to remember that you can only control yourself. Speak your truth to your partner. You are in charge of your own happiness. If things in the marriage aren't working, be honest. And then do what you can to improve your part. Best of luck.
Namaste
Loved the article and read the one about wives ruining marriage as well. I cried thought the whole thing because you described it to a T and it was very painful. What would you suggest if the wife is only doing two of them, and the husband is neglecting the wife 9 out of ten? And this husband doesn't respond well to most uncfortable conversations and especially does not like advice?
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Equal leaders, Thank you for your input, and thank you for reading.
Although I don't agree that the article is misogynistic, I thank you for reading. I am not literally calling women crockpots. It is a simile. I am using a comparison, crockpots to microwaves, to illustrate the difference between men and women in the sexual arena. Women typically take longer to get turned on than men do, much like preparing a meal in a crock pot, which takes all day, versus cooking in a microwave, which takes place in a matter of minutes.
I do not agree that if a husband does not take equal responsibility in housework and childcare, then he is abusive. I believe that there are many different roles in marriage, and in a partnership, both partners decide which roles they are best suited to, and which they desire to undertake. It is an agreement between two people to make the best use of their time, talents, abilities and interests.
It is not male chauvinistic to call a woman a nag, if she is nagging. And I am a woman.
Finally, I believe that when a couple marries, they can decide who will take which name, and who will make career sacrifices, if any are required. There is no right answer, when it comest to marriage, happiness and partnership. Each couple has to do what works for them. This article generalizes characteristics that can be damaging to a marriage.
Thank you for reading and commenting,
Namaste
Your article was very misogynistic. Women are NOT crockpots. We are human beings who deserve to be respected as leaders in our marriages.
Any husband who does not take equal responsibility for housework and childcare is a spouse abuser.
Also, it is very male chauvinistic to call a woman a nag.
All husbands need to take their spouses' names and make major career sacrifices so that she can fulfill her potential.
Thank you for this article...My husband is guilty of it all...! It's not to say that I'm not guilty of things because in his eyes I probably am and that's fine. But I try and talk to my husband openly about things and he just seems to turn things around instantly and start playing the blame game or just shuts me down instantly...I don't understand, it confuses me and it hurts like hell. I can admit when I'm wrong too but he continues to step on me when I'm down. Then by some magical moment he seems to love me again though I've gotten to a stage where I feel like he is fake and possibly doing things on purpose to make me leave him, I don't know! Ive lost trust in my marriage and all I know is that someone who I thought was the absolute love of my life is making me feel the saddest I've ever been. We have a one year old daughter who is just simply amazing and I never wanted to experience being a single parent, I know plenty of people do it though I always had my mind set on being traditional but I guess these days that is close to non existent! I live each day on auto pilot now because I have no idea what to do nor do I have the emotional strength to do anything because I love him too much, but I guess it's my own fault for allowing situations to keep happening. Anyway I've rambled as you can see, this is the first time I've been open to anyone outside my marriage and it happens to be to a bunch of strangers. Thanks again for this post, it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through certain things. And I know it's not just men that do things that it's us women too, it's a two way street. It's just up to us as individuals to be open in fixing a marriage as a pose to tackling issues in a negative way! Good luck to everyone out there men and women, everyone deserves to be happy xo
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@Michael Morse, Thanks for the input. I value your opinion. I agree that it is difficult for some women to hear about their man's worries and fears. That is unfortunate. It's too bad your wife can't listen without judging, and without fearing.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Namaste
All correct except that a man should not share his worries and problems with his wife. Mine cuts me short and she is only interested in me listening to her worries. Ive been married 25 years, and she only wants to be mentally intimate with the strong and positive side of me. Better for me to discuss problems with trusted male friends. Otherwise a perfect article.
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@Rich, The best thing we can do is stay present and use the tools we have today to create the best life we can. Twenty years ago, you may have not believed what you read. Sometimes, unfortunately, experience is the best teacher.
@Chris Mills, Thank you for reading and responding. You and your late wife definitely knew the secret to a good marriage. Commitment and hard work are paramount.
@Dave, when I speak of doing poorly in life, I am referring to personal happiness, well-being and spiritual fulfillment. Success has nothing to do with money, in my opinion.
@Felicia Elliott, I think you make some good points. I agree that marriage should unify us, and if we stand united, then we will likely enjoy peace and happiness. As for apologizing: I believe that an apology is for hurting someone you love, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Continual repetition of bad behavior should not be a part of a healthy marriage, and empty apologies are useless for healing the rifts that come from continually hurting the person that you supposedly love.
@Nate, This article is specifically geared toward things men do to harm their relationships. I have another article about the mistakes women make. It sounds as if you are being emotionally shut out and sabotaged, and I am sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, you can only control your own behavior. There is nothing you can do to make your wife change. Try being honest and telling her how her actions are hurting you and damaging your relationship. Best of luck to you.
@Shaik Madeena, Marriage is not a contest. And certainly no particular religion or belief has any leg up on any other. People behave well (and badly) based on a lot of factors, not exclusively their religious beliefs. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
Thank you all for stopping by and for commenting.
Namaste
Muslim Families will surely win these things
What about the wife that ignores.her husband for months to years at a time. Doesn't want to talk about anything, just ignores.the husband completely. Then turns around and complains that no one asks how her day is, or what she thinks about any thing or that her husband now stays away from her as.much as he can because he is tired of rejection after rejection and not just sex, the rejections are at conversation, activities together etc. It isn't that she doesn't so these things, just not with him.
I agree with this article, for the most part, with the exceptions of the following two points: 1. I believe that the main purpose and goal of marriage is not peace & happiness, but rather unity. And, 2. In the #4 section, where you discuss the benefits of apologizing; I must add that, over time, apologies for basically doing the same emotionally neglectful behaviors become less meaningful to the wife. One has to wonder if there is true contrition, if the behavior continues on repeatedly, even after multiple apologies. So, my point is: men often can do further damage by apologizing too much for the same thing, and never doing anything to really change the behavior.
When speaking of doing poorly in life are you referring to making more money??
My experience says you've hit the nail on the head. My late wife and I were married for 24 years. We worked hard at our relationship and made it through some tough times. It is worth all the work we have to put into our relationships. Great article.
Boy do I wish this article was available 20 years ago. Would have prevented a lot of personal anguish and heartache.
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J,
Thirty years seems like a long time to carry the heavy burden of resentment. If the man is already your ex, then what good does it do to continue dragging that bag of rocks behind you?
Forgive yourself, forgive him, and move on. You'll feel much better when you do.
Namaste
Its been almost 30 years and I am still not over how my xhusband destroyed our wedding
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Wow Two angry men in a row. I can only wonder if you know each other, and if you have ever been happy
We all make mistakes in relationships, and this article only talks about the ones men sometimes make
The key is to,work together to make things better
best of luck to you
Namaste
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@Bippity Bop, you make a very good point. Extended families and children are two huge issues in any marriage, and how a couple deals with them will be reflected in the quality of their marriage. Thanks for the suggestions and thanks for reading.
@Pudocuriel, It sounds like you have a very difficult situation. Two things I might suggest: First, remember you can only control yourself. You cannot control your husband. His behavior is not about you, it is about him. It's okay to feel frustrated, angry, scared or whatever, but don't make it about him. Your feelings are about you, and his behavior is about him. Lashing out will only make him feel guilty and want to stay out later. It's hard, having children at home, and a husband who isn't. It sounds like you both need a little space. Secondly, I would suggest taking some time for the two of you. Whether it's an actual date, where you get dressed up and go out, or you just take a walk, together without the kids, you need time to reconnect with each other.
Thanks for reading. I wish you the best.
@Therabz, I agree both partners in a relationship have a responsibility to do their best to make it work. I'm sorry to hear that she is eroding the relationship.
Could you suggest some time together, where the phones and iPads are not present, just the two of you, reconnecting.
Remember what it is you like about her, and tell her. And maybe point her toward my article about the ten ways women destroy their relationships. :) Hope all goes well for you.
Namaste
Can I just say that I do loads around the house, from doing the dishes the kitchen, hoovering and making meals and so on, and so on. I do have a drink every now and then, at times to often. But I'm not angry with drink or argumentive with drink, as long as my wife gives me permission to drink, why is that? But if I was to have a drink without her consent I'm the bad one. She will blame me regardless and she will never be wrong, even though she is wrong. Yet I will go and say sorry every single time. And sometimes she will say I don't except your apology, that will annoy me even more. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means, and I'm wrong at times, but I will hold my hands up and say so too. But my wife never seems to do so ever. It's always me and never her. I love her to bits and I'm hard working and very devoted to her too. But it should work both ways!!! From my experience over the years I do think in some relasionships loyalty comes from either male or female. It only works when both sides feel the same way. Partners seem to break apart when one always think they are correct when in fact they are not. No matter how hard I try I always seem to be wrong regardless what I do, why is that? All I ever see my wife do is iPad, Facebook for hrs on end. Have mentioned it a few times, but get..... Hear we go again? Love her to bits but getting worn down and feel like it's a waste of time. But life goes on
Oh my God you hit it on the head!!With #1-2-4 The isolation like I'm not good enough or other people are above me and come first. I did it's a horrible feeling!! I don't know how to fix this or get over this I don't want to feel like I have to hide my emotions but when I try to explain my feelings to him he thinks I'm just nagging. We've been together nine years and have five kids and also one for my ex marriage and I'm a stay at home mom and he works 12 hours a day very hard and wants to go drink with his friends and it drives me nuts. He's a wonderful daddy and a provider and a comforter and a hard worker cheerful person but when he involves these other single guys and the drinking at totally tears me apart. I just want to know how to deal with my emotions that I feel when he doesn't come home and the night is growing darker and darker and our kids are asking where he's at and then he comes home acting like there's not a single problem. I was so anxious, worried, nervous, stressed, confused, disappointed, start getting mad I feel like I'm gonna cry and scream. I want to stay open to him and my feelings and my most intimate thoughts and feelings he's my best friend the closest person in the world to me. But I feel like he keeps doing this and doesn't seem as a problem and it is more and gone longer and it just keeps hurting me more and more. He was never like this the first 6 to 7 years of our relationship. Then his job changed and it got bigger and around a lot more people and responsibilities. So he thinks he needs to be their friend. He doesn't seem to realize that I still need to be in the same position and keep work/workers separated from home and leave work at work and the 12 to 13 hours that he needs do ..just leave it there and come home and tend to our needs our time or thoughts and dreams.
very nice article. In addition to these points, Id like the author to add two more sections please- one of extended families and the other for children. My husband and I fight a lot. Most of the times it us because of his mother. We end our fight because we want the children to have both parents. I guess, these two aspects take away the "us" between the two of us. we no longer want a couple life and make no efforts for it to become an enriching experience. I think if you can add these, it'll be great ! thanks
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Hi Tony, Thanks for reading, and commenting. I appreciate you taking the time. I actually do have an article about the stupid things we women do to screw up our relationships.
In addition, I have several about how to restore your relationship.
I appreciate you taking the time to comment.
Namaste
I would hope that you provide a little more balance in your next article. A marriage can be anybody fault and keeping it together takes responsibility on both parts.
Work harder to be un-bias in future writings. If you wrote another article encouraging women to treat men better, than I digress. Prehaps, putting both articles together might be more advantageous.
THANKS
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Dave, thanks for reading and for commenting .
of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Have you ever been married?
Thanks again for stopping by .
Namaste
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jjss, I appreciate you reading this article, and commenting. These aren't rules, so much as suggestions on how to make your relationship better, and common mistakes that men make. I'd be interested to know which ones in particular you find ridiculous, and how treating your partner with kindness and respect amounts to being treated like a spoilt child.
I agree that many women do behave badly in relationship, which is why I also wrote a blog about the stupid things women do to mess up their relationships. I'd invite you to read that as well and tell me what you think.
Thanks again for reading,
Namaste
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Smita,
Thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate the feedback. Hope things go well between you and your man.
Namaste
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Paul, If you are a man, then it's time to stand up and act like one. If you have fallen in love with this girl, and are ready to be with her, then it's time to be straightforward and tell your wife. Be prepared. It will not be easy. It will be hard for you, for your wife, and for your girl. It will also he hard on your kids, so prepare to be vilified.
Be honest and move forward, doing the right thing. You will respect yourself more when you do, and although your wife will be mad and dramatic, hurt and angry, she'd rather know the truth than be lied to. Your girl too, will appreciate you stepping up and taking responsibility for your choices and your own happiness.
Wishing you the best.
Namaste
Very well written and the article is based on the facts.l loved it.Hope my man gets benefitted by reading it too.
Married 36 years affair last 3. Fallen in love with this woman have more fun and more in common then with wife. I need to leave in next few days or lose her. Afraid of all the drama that goes with telling wife looking to separate. Asking for help and suggestions a sap.
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Mary, I am sorry to hear of your plight. I can relate to a husband who works long hours. My husband has been leaving early in the morning and not getting home from work until after 8 most nights. It has definitely put a strain on our relationship.
The nights when he gets home and I am angry, hurt and feeling rejected are the hardest ones, because they usually end in a fight. When I remember to give him some space, then ask about his day, and gently try to reconnect, then things seem to go better.
We also try to take time for just us on the weekends, and leave work and cell phones behind while we do something together we both enjoy.
Thirty seven years of marriage is quite an accomplishment, and I applaud your tenacity. It seems wise to find ways to keep yourself busy during the day, with volunteering, working and whatever other things you enjoy.
Unfortunately, there is no way to make someone spend time with you. You can tell him how much you enjoy his company, and look for ways to do things together. At some point, however, he has to give. Marriage is a two way street.
Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
Best wishes to you and your husband,
Namaste
My husband of 37 years never makes time for me and when he does it is on his terms only such as when he wants SEX!!! I love and respect my husband and I realize that after working a long day at work, he needs his space but it is way too extreme! If he is not at his computer doing paperwork, then he is outside doing gardening or yardwork. I am always last on his list of priorities. I try to talk to him and he just won't listen to me. We are empty nesters now and he just doesn't realize how lonely and unhappy I am. I live in a small town so I have very few friends. I try to stay busy and do things I enjoy. I even volunteer. I know that the only person who can make me truly happy is me, but what do you do when your own husband is just so busy and preoccupied with so many different things that he has no time for you! I want my marriage to last a lifetime. Everytime I bring up the fact that I am not being paid attention to, it ends up with an argument so I have just plain given up! I guess I am just going to have to pretend I am a widow because that is how I feel right now! Thanks for reading this!
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@The Truth,
I appreciate you reading and commenting. Sadly, I agree that many women cause the breakup of their own marriages.
Selfishness and greediness are two big reasons couples don't stay together.
Namaste
It is very sad to say that Most women are the cause of many Breakups today especially the women that have their Careers now that made them very Selfish and very Greedy since it is all about Money for them. Women that are making a very high Salary are more Likely to Cheat as well since they will Only want the Best of all and will Never settle for Less.
Hi, Deborah,
Reading your hub was my pleasure entirely. Thank you for the following. I will send you a personalized "thank you" email as soon as I can get things caught up, as my personal gesture to show you that your following is not just appreciated, but will never be forgotten.
Sincerely,
Kenneth
Your Friend for Life
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@sumitnabham, I agree with your assertion. We should all appreciate the many gifts and talents of our partners, honor their strengths and support them where they need encouragement.
@Kenneth Avery, thank you for reading and for your kind comments.
Namaste
Amazing. Simply amazing. Well-written, structured, and open. If HP still had us voting for hubs, I would vote Up and every choice HP gave back in the day to rate hubs.
Loved it and I am a man. And for all of these tips . . .you are absolutely correct.
Keep up the great work.
The problem is that we don't teach our boys in helping their mom in kitchen or household stuff. Doing this will make them realize how much hard work their mother do, and they will surely help their wives in future.
Quite a tough task, but can be done.
I really like the article and personally feel that men should understand the reason behind their failed relationship and what are the things they can do to save their married life
No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your Hubs or other sites.
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LetusPublish, I agree that this article does not touch on those issues. I believe those types of behavior border on abuse, and this article is specifically dealing with non-abusive situations.
When you are in an abusive relationship, things are completely different.
Thanks for writing.
Namaste
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Happylovejoy, Thanks for reading and commenting.
Yes, if only we could learn from our mistakes. Better yet, perhaps we could learn from the mistakes of others and go in the opposite direction!
Thanks for commenting.
Namaste
I would like to ask what about the income, racist and sexist taunts. These too hurts a lot and a major issue as well.I felt you tried to touch this in your 8th and 9th point but somewhere missed the keyword.Also there's fight for inheritance and social attributes and status for which wife suffer from, in most cases these days,specially in page 3 culture and related.
Great read..and I do agree completely with number 10 - funny that this is almost a staple in relationship advise and yet people still commit the same mistake in thinking they can change someone with marriage..I also have friends who finds the wrong guy again and again..wish there was something I could do...
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Thank you Naznin for your comments.
A lot of men don't realize what they are doing, and sometimes it is through no fault of their own.
Namaste
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Anonymous, I'm sorry to hear that.
I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
Namaste
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Abdullah, Thank you for reading and commenting. If someday you get married, keep these in mind, and your wife will be a content and happy woman.
Namaste
This is the exact opposite for me the roles have been reverse.
However, I'm not married. But your tips is very good. I like it.
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Am I missing something here?
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Thanks Galaxy-Gal, not only for reading but also for your comments. I hope to help people by teaching them what they want and need to know.
Namaste
This is a thoughtful and helpful article. I expect is is helping men understand women a little better. I'd bet you've saved a few marriages!
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eilval,
Thanks for taking the time to comment. I agree with you, we are never too old to learn. There is always another angle out there.
Namaste.
Insightful hub with much food for thought. One is never too old to learn.
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lol,
I appreciate your comment, but respectfully disagree. Not all men are cheating whores, and neither are all women. I think it is important for individuals to take responsibility for their own behavior, in all relationships.
Namaste
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Sulabha,
Thank you for reading and commenting.
It is unfortunate when couples marry, and then make each other miserable. May your brother and his wife both find happiness in their lives.
Namaste
Dear Deborah,
Whatever you have said is 100% true. It also reminds me of my brother's meaningless marriage. She has always had a one-up feeling and my brother felt that drinks and cigarettes were an ideal solution.
I wish they had read this article when they got married 26-27 years ago.
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theinfidelity,
Thanks for the link. I'll check it out.
Namaste
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ChristinRK,
Thanks for the helpful comments. Jealousy is a green eyed monster and can destroy relationships.
And I agree, money issues often cause big problems.
Namaste
All good points. Two crucial things were left out, however. First...trust issues. A suspicious, jealous spouse is probably the most painful of all emotions a woman can endure. Second...money. Men are often controlling and manipulative when it comes to money particularly if his wife is a stay at home mom/wife. imho.
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Jason, thanks for reading and for commenting. You don't necessarily have to take notes. Just maybe make a mental note of something you might like to address.
Best wishes to you and yours.
Namaste
I think I should make some notes from this article. Thanks!
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letstalkabouteduc,
That is a great observation. You cannot change your man, no matter how hard you try. You will only succeed in making both of you miserable.
Thanks for reading and commenting,
Namaste
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PDXBuys,
That's a great question, and I bet if you ask everyone you know, you will get a different answer. Marriage is definitely not for the weak!
Thanks for reading and commenting,
Namaste
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