Top 10 Ways Men Destroy Their Marriage
Deborah is a writer, healer, and teacher. Her goal is to help people live their best lives every day by sharing her joy and love of life.
Take Responsibility for Your Part
It is important to remember that the main goal of marriage is a partnership in which both people feel loved, appreciated and valued. While the list below may seem daunting, remember the goal. Peaceful partnership. This list can help you avoid common mistakes and create a harmonious relationship.
If life feels stressful, first work on changing your own perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek the things that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself. This article is not written for you to change someone else. It is a list of common mistakes that men make in relationship. If you want something to change, then you must make the change first, yourself. Change begins in your mind. When you change your mind, you can change your life.
Also, while both the husband and wife should take responsibility for their part in a marriage, below are ten mistakes common to men. Read on to learn about the behaviors of men, which can completely destroy a marriage. If you are an unhappy wife, who wants her husband to change, stop. Instead of reading this article and checking off everything that your partner does wrong, try changing your own perspective.
For women who want to improve their relationship, read The Top 12 Things Women Do To Destroy Their Marriage.
1. Leaving Her Alone
One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to leave your wife alone. Of course, you work. Most husbands work outside the home to provide for the family. The problem isn't your job.
Problems arise when you leave the house early, barely speaking to or connecting with your wife before you dash out the door. Of course, you don't want to be bothered by texts and emails from her all day, because you have a job to do. You don't have time to check in at lunch, or let her know that you thought about her during the day. You were busy. Then, after work, of course you need some down time. You head to the gym, or you go out for a drink, or maybe you don't even have time for that. You work late, because the job needs you. The truth is, your wife needs you too.
When you get home, you're tired. You want to relax, unwind and disconnect. Unfortunately, at this point, your wife feels completely disconnected. She hasn't seen you all day, she misses you and she wants to connect. She feels alone and abandoned.
The truth is, you were working all day, to support and provide for the family. There is nothing wrong with that. Everyone in a relationship takes on certain roles, to support and enhance the partnership. It's important to make time to connect, face to face, with your wife.
One of the most miserable experiences for a wife is that feeling of isolation when her husband emotionally leaves the relationship. Yes, she has friends and a job. Yes, she spends a lot of time running the kids around and partaking in activities outside of her husband. It's not the same.
She desires to spend time with you, the man she loves. To be left alone by her husband causes deep heartache for a woman. It causes her to feel unworthy and worthless. She feels like you don't need or want to spend time with her.
For most women, their largest fears boil down to isolation and deprivation. When she feels abandoned by you, your wife will become fearful. You don't want her or need her. Maybe you don't even love her.
When she feels alone in the relationship, her fears increase and she strikes out. She attacks with hurtful and disrespectful behavior. Her ability to verbally hurt you is her strongest weapon, and she uses it out of fear in an effort to try to get your attention.
When a wife begins to nag because you never spend time at home, never hang out with her, and never engage with the kids, chances are she is feeling abandoned and isolated. When you stop spending time together, the emotional distance between you grows quickly.
In order to connect to your wife, show up for your life. It only takes a few minutes, but you will realize a great improvement in your relationship. Start the morning with a hug and let her know you love her. Ask her if there is anything she needs from you today. At some point during the day, even if it's only once, connect to her. Send a text. Leave her a voicemail. It doesn't have to be a long conversation. Just let her know you were thinking about her. At the end of the day, hold her close, ask how she's doing and tell her that you love her.
Read More From Pairedlife
These three simple steps could save your marriage.
Leaving your wife alone or not paying enough attention to her could create more distance than you realize.
2. Not Connecting Emotionally
Your wife feels energized when she feels close to you. Refusing to let her know the real you is destructive to her and to your marriage. While you strive to keep your independence, she longs to connect with you. She wants to connect emotionally, to know you. Let your wife know who you are.
It is not fair to either of you if you are only affectionate and attentive on the days you want sex or something else from her. Affection and closeness ought to be an end in themselves, not a means to a different end.
Talking is not the only way women feel close, although it is an important one. Simple ways to fulfill your wife in this area are to hug her often, hold her hand, and to spend some time alone with her. When her need for closeness is met, she will be more inclined to respect your need for independence. If she feels like she knows you, then she can trust you and give you the space and freedom you need.
When your wife feels close to you, she will also be more willing to engage with you on a more intimate, sexual level. You build trust by allowing her to see who you are, and by allowing yourself to be vulnerable with her. Building trust this way allows her the safety to be more intimate with you.
The important thing to remember is to help her feel connected. Try talking to her about your day, your fears, hopes, and dreams. Hold her hand when you go out together. Kiss her unexpectedly in the kitchen while she makes dinner. Sit next to her. Ask her how she is doing, and for a few minutes, give her your undivided attention while she answers. A little bit will go a long way and mean everything to her and to your marriage.
2.5. Closing Yourself Off to Her
Women exist as an integrated circuit. The mind, body, and soul are closely linked — so, hurt feelings affect the entire system. A wife whose spirit is crushed may suffer from fatigue and confusion. Like a strand of Christmas lights — when one light goes out, they all go dark. Men compartmentalize. If one light goes out on his strand, all the other lights function properly, unaffected. Men are able to fully function when one area of their lives is not working properly.
Your wife does not understand the closed-off and mysterious way you operate. Things don't seem to bother you. You never want to talk to her. She knows you are stressed about work, yet you don't show it or express that further to her. She wonders how you can even function. Your wife is not trying to pry or sneak her way into no-man's land. She simply wants you to be open. She wants to truly see you. She feels loved when you share your fears, worries, and troubles. She wants to be that person for you and committed to being so when you got married. She won't try to fix you. She will listen.
Whereas men want to fix problems, women want to listen and talk. She wants to hear about your life, what you worry about and what stress you feel. She wants to know that you are human and that you trust her enough to share your struggles.
Try talking to her about what is going on in your life. Women like venting, without seeking a solution, and she wants to give you the freedom to share yourself verbally. Give yourself permission to let off some steam by sharing your frustrations with her, your fears, your challenges. Tell her what you're struggling with and open yourself to her. She will lend a listening ear, without trying to solve your problems, and you'll both feel closer and more connected.
3. Always Trying to "Fix" Her
Even when she doesn't always say it, your wife sees you as her strength and as the bearer of her burdens. When she comes to you for help to lighten the load from the weight of her world, it is a compliment. She knows you can handle it.
Rather than trying to resolve and repair every issue, however, try to just listen to her. You might even ask if she needs a solution or just an ear. It will be a relief for both of you when you realize that sometimes you don't have to fix all the problems. Sometimes, your wife wants to complain, vent or whine. She doesn't necessarily want you to tell her how to handle her boss. She might not need you to call the mechanic and yell at him. She just needs to vent.
When you listen, without trying to solve everything, she will feel like you understand her (even if you don't, which is okay). Let her talk, without needing to fix. You don't even have to say anything. Nod your head, pour her a glass of wine and give her a hug.
4. Never Saying "I'm Sorry."
All marriages have conflict. While conflict is not a pleasant thing, growth and closeness can increase as conflict is resolved. For your wife, an apology means she has moved forward through the conflict, and she is now seeking peace. When you refuse to apologize, you stand your ground and signal that the fight continues.
Many husbands see apologizing as a sure sign of weakness. They think, "If I apologize, she won't respect me." On the contrary, if you humbly apologize and ask her forgiveness, your wife will be putty in your hands. Your small act of contrition soothes her spirit, and acts as a healing balm over her heart. Furthermore, it shows that you're open and willing to make things work, that you care enough to admit to your faults and move past and through them.
5. Taking Her Insecurities Too Lightly
Your wife knows she is committed to you. When you take her fears lightly, she wonders if you share the same level of commitment to her. She sees you looking at other women. In the mall, on TV, on the computer, and in other places, she notices your wanderlust. She sees you turn your head in admiration toward the short skirt, the tight shirt and the bare flesh. This makes her feel insecure, unattractive and unseen by you, the man she loves.
She fears that you may be unfaithful and at the very least, it may make her uncomfortable. She might question your attraction to them, especially if she is solely looking at you. When your eyes wander, your woman wonders if your heart has already left the relationship. She might never voice her fear, but trust that she notices when you look at every woman who walks by.
While you may never cheat on your wife, trust that she is insecure and needs your reassurance. Don't belittle her, joke or tease. Her feelings are sensitive, and in her heart, your wife worries that she might not be enough.
Your jokes only serve to devalue her feelings, which are real. When you stare at a cute young thing as she saunters past, it may be a reminder to your wife of her many imperfections. She feels insecure because she wants to know that you still love her.
When you look at and comment on other women, your wife feels unattractive and unappreciated.. It's okay for you to look at other women, in fact, it's perfectly natural. The danger is when you are blatant and aggressive, disregarding your wife's feelings and stare or make comments about other women, in spite of her discomfort.
Your wife is motivated by your love and loyalty. She has committed her life to you and wants to feel secure in the fact that you are equally committed to her. A big symbol of your loyalty (and another area of insecurity in many marriages) is a wedding ring.
For a woman, this is a sign of your fidelity. A married man without a ring seems to be trying to hide something. A ring symbolizes your devotion to your wife. It is a small symbol, yet will serve to make her feel secure and loved.
It requires very little effort on your part, to reassure your wife in this way, and it means the world to her. Her peace of mind ought to be worth the cost of an inexpensive, outward expression of your fidelity. You have nothing to hide. A ring is a simple, outward expression of your devotion to your wife and to your marriage. This small gesture can have a profound impact.
When your wife feels insecure, she may ask if you still think she is pretty. She may ask if you love her. She may ask if you think someone else is more attractive. This is not a trap. She feels she is moving toward you, by asking a question and starting a conversation. Talking is how women feel close. She is seeking your assurance of love and loyalty. Rather than make light of the moment, look at her. Stop and really look at her. Gaze into her eyes. Stroke her hair and pull her close. Tell her she is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. Give her the assurance she seeks, and ease her troubled mind.
6. Ignoring the Importance of Simple Gestures
Your wife does not require fancy jewelry or expensive meals. Granted, those things are nice, and you like to treat your wife. However, it isn't always necessary to spend a lot of money. Your wife appreciates the little things you do.
She feels most loved by the small tokens of your love and appreciation. When you neglect the small things, it may feel to her like you are trying to buy her affection—or ease your own guilt—with the big things. Let your wife know that she is on your mind during the day. A single rose when you walk in the door speaks volumes to her language of love. Give her a call or send her a text during the day to let her know you are thinking of her. Offer to help with dinner, or wash the dishes. These are small gifts of your time that mean the world to your wife.
For your wife, the most important days of the year are her birthday and the day she married you. Celebrate these days by spending time with just her. It will mean more than any expensive gift ever could. The cost of the gift is secondary to the thought you put into it. She wants to feel special and important to you. The way to help her feel loved is to spend time with her alone. Even if you sit home and watch a movie, give her your undivided attention.
Spending time and paying attention are two simple gestures that don't cost any money, but will heal your marriage and bring you closer to your wife.
A simple gesture like a nice cake on your wife's birthday (or any day, if she's a fan of sweets) can do more than you realize.
7. Taking All the Fun Out of Sex
When you confuse sex with intimacy, it's no fun. When you only focus on your own orgasm and forget about her pleasure, it's no fun. When you only show interest in your wife when you want to get lucky, it's no fun. When you devalue the depth of your sexual relationship with crude jokes and pornography, it's no fun. When you expect her to get excited instantly, it's no fun. When you neglect your wife's sexual needs, it's no fun.
When you are married, sex is supposed to be fun.
An intimate sharing, designed to bring you closer, sex should cement the bond between you. You have an opportunity to connect with your wife in a way that only you can share. This is not something she shares with anyone else in the entire world. Rather than take shortcuts and cheapen the experience, instead focus on making it fun and pleasurable for both of you.
Think of your wife as a crockpot. In this comparison, you are a microwave. If you put food in a microwave, you'll be eating in a few short minutes.Simple, easy, fast. A crockpot meal, on the other hand, takes a lot of forethought. You need the proper ingredients. You have to put everything together, turn it on, and wait. Six or eight hours later, you enjoy a delicious meal.
Your wife needs the same thoughtful consideration. She longs to be the object of your thoughts and desires. Make sex and intimacy more fun by giving it a little more thought. Start in the morning with a kiss, and tell her she's beautiful. Women never get tired of hearing that from the man they love. Help get the kids ready for school. After work, ask about her day. Pay attention to her and let her know how much you want her, you need her and you love her.
Slow, slow, slow. If you want to bring the fun back into your sex life, think crockpot, not microwave. You can microwave in the shower!
8. Getting Lost in Bitterness and Anger
When you shut your wife out to brood in your despair, it fills her with fear. Women like to talk things out. Men like to shut things out. When you feel stressed about work, about money, about your relationship, or whatever feels insurmountable, you probably turn inward. This provokes your wife's fear of abandonment and rejection.
She thinks you don't love her when you refuse to speak. This fear, and her desire to resolve conflict, causes your wife to pursue you. She wants to talk it out, not to belittle or demean you, but to feel closer. She wants you to trust her, so she can trust you. She follows you around, asking if everything is alright. You run away from her and avoid wanting to discuss what is bothering you. She knows something is wrong, and she begins to assume that she is the problem.
You can stop this train wreck before it happens by opening up to your wife. She loves you. You can trust her. Share your real feelings with her, and she will open her heart to you. Let her know what bothers you, what scares you and what worries you. Open yourself up a little, rather than sink into the depth of your private despair.
9. Not Taking Responsibility
Whether it's an addiction, an affair, or poor performance in your life, many times, husbands point to their wives as the reason for their weakness. "She makes me drink because of her nagging. I cheated because she wouldn't take care of me. I'm doing poorly because she never encourages me."
It's easy to blame someone else for your behavior. Rather than own-up to the problem, you choose the role of victim. It feels like a free pass, but blaming others and failing to take control of your own life will not only destroy your marriage, but other areas of your life as well.
It's time to take full responsibility for your own behavior. Take ownership of your actions and your behavior, no matter how ugly it is. When you own up, you take back the power to change your life and save you marriage.
You choose to drink. You choose to cheat. You choose to work or not work. You actively do all these things on your own. Rather than blaming someone or something else, stand up and take responsibility. Make your life reflect the values you desire. Your life is completely under your control.
Today, you can choose differently. You can create exactly the life you want. Furthermore, if your wife really is the root of all the problems in your life, then take responsibility. Man up and tell her the truth. She can't change if you aren't willing to express the problem.
When you own up to your own choices, then you create space to heal or change all the relationships in your life, including your marriage.
If you have an addiction or problem, don't always blame your wife.
10. Picking the Wrong Woman. Again.
A woman in distress, who just moves from crisis to crisis, will continue to be in distress after you marry her. A nitpicking woman who criticizes your every decision will continue to nitpick. A control freak always wants control, even after the wedding. The bottom line is: if she is the wrong woman before the marriage, she'll be the wrong woman when and after you get married.
If you want a nice wife, then date a nice woman and marry her. Treat her with love and respect, and she will return the kindness. Trying to rescue a woman in distress will only lead you to feel used and unappreciated. A strong marriage begins with a good-willed woman and a good-willed man. It flourishes as you both grow in love and respect toward each other.
Choosing the wrong woman sets you up for failure every time. Although you might like the feeling of being a knight in shining armor rescuing a damsel in distress, the reality of being married is much harder and much less idealistic. Marriage takes work, from both the husband and the wife. When both are committed to making the marriage a good experience, then it has a better chance of succeeding.
Work on Yourself
While this list may seem daunting, it is important to remember that the main goal of marriage is a partnership in which the sum of the two parts creates a more beautiful, peaceful, loving union. If life is stressful, work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek those things that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.
You cannot change your wife. You can change your own behaviors and your own perceptions. Decide who you want to be and how you want to show up, and then live your life, authentically showing up for yourself and for your wife every day. In each moment, you have an opportunity to be who you truly want to be.
Namaste, friends
Video: Love and Respect
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Questions & Answers
Question: My partner and I are separated due to lack of affection and love. He ignores me and constantly leaves me home alone to go smoke Marijuana. When he's at home, if he's not critiquing everything I do, he's ignoring me cause he's on his phone. I don't know if I should try working on the marriage or just walk away?
Answer: You don't mention how long you've been married or if you have children. Do you want to be married to a man who ignores and critiques you?
Question: My husband and I have been having a very difficult time, we have been married over 1 year with a 4 month old baby. I have been nothing but a devoted wife and carried out all my responsibilities as a wife and mother. Our conflict arises with his family, he never understood my feelings nor did he ever stand up for me. His very much for only his family and made it a point to tell me they will always be above me. What do I do now that he decided to divorce me based on my relationship with his family?
Answer: If he's already made up his mind, you have two choices. First, you can sit back and let him divorce you. And you can get on with your life.
Or, you could try to improve your relationship with his family.
What does your heart say?
Question: Do you think it worth saving? I feel alone in my marriage like I'm the only one fighting for it. I have suffered emotional affairs, husband addiction to weed, pawning of my ring, lying about females calling and texting, telling me I'm insecure, minimum help with the kids. He cooks dinner, helps with laundry, but he is selfish. Putting only his needs first. Live a secret life when it comes to weed. Does not wear his ring since we got married. I can't take the disrespect anymore.
Answer: Only you can decide if your marriage is worth saving. It's important for you to feel valued in your life. I'd suggest looking into counseling to work on yourself as an individual for a while.
Question: What if I just can't seem to get that feeling back that I once had? I'm at the point that life if just a routine day in and day out, but there's just no spark between us.
Answer: What could you do differently to bring passion and excitement into your relationship? What could you do to make it better? After all these years, stop looking for reasons to be dissatisfied and start looking for ways to ignite the spark. You know it was there. Now get busy and do what you can to light it up again. Do you dress up for date night? Do you look good for him? What are you doing to be a better wife? Don't put all the responsibility on him.
Question: My wife and I are separated. We live 12 hours apart. I miss my marriage and want to save it. My wife says she misses and loves me. But has recently stopped all communication with me. How do I save my marriage? How do I show my wife we are meant to be? I want to be with her, under the same roof and work hard to repair our once amazing marriage!
Answer: It's difficult to live under the same roof when you are 12 hours away from each other. It's hard to have any kind of relationship with distance.
If she has stopped all communication, it is unlikely that she is willing to work on the relationship. There is a lot of detail missing from your question. If your marriage was amazing, what happened to cause the separation? What are the circumstances of your distance? You and she probably need to first agree that you want to save the marriage. If you are the only one, it likely won't work.
I'd suggest first reopening the lines of communication.
Question: What if talking always turns into an argument in my marriage?
Answer: Then don't talk so much.
I don't mean to sound trite, but it's true. We talk too much, in general. When we speak too much, there are bound to be problems. Just be quiet.
Question: I have been married for twelve years, and I knew my husband wasn't a big talker, but since I had a hysterectomy, he has been very distant. He goes out every evening after work and comes in late. He says I nag him. Every time I want to talk he says he is tired. I want to travel, but he tells me to go. I ask him to go out with me, but he says no, he is tired. We have no children together. He is 47 and I am 51. I want my marriage to work, but I don't know how. What should I do?
Answer: It sounds like you would both benefit from spending time together. You don't have to talk to spend time with each other. Rather than asking to talk, go with him when he goes out after work. If he goes directly somewhere from work, meet him there. Surprise him by dressing up. You mention a hysterectomy, but not your intimacy. Did your intimacy level change after your surgery? Maybe he is depressed. Or maybe he is just tired. Start having fun in your own life, and doing things you enjoy. Then, try to involve him. See if he is open to the idea of counseling, and let him know that you love him and you want things to work out. Ask him what you can do to make the marriage better.
Question: I've been married for twenty-two years. In the past two years, he has been pulling away. He sleeps alone on the couch, never touches or compliments me or gives me any affection on cards as he used to. I shared how lonely and afraid I feel and asked him to come back to our bed. I told him I'm worried our marriage will end because he is so disinterested in any intimacy of any kind. I think he is struggling with impotence, but I'm not sure how to talk to him. Can you offer a good suggestion?
Answer: I think its time you and your husband learn to communicate effectively with each other. Couples counseling is a great place to start. If, for some reason, that won't work for your relationship, then you must take the bull by the horns, if you want to save your marriage.
The issue sounds much deeper than compliments and cards. Those are likely symptoms of a deeper problem. The fact that he sleeps alone on the couch is a huge alarm.
Have you spoken to him, lovingly and with respect, to find out why he feels like he needs to sleep on the couch? What is he missing from your relationship? People don't typically make such drastic changes in their lives, without a pretty good (at least to them) reason.
Without judging or accusing, perhaps you could talk to him. Share that you love and respect him and want your relationship to work.
Question: My husband has one bad habit: he used to text other girls. He'd tell them "I love you," "I miss you," and see their pictures, too. I often feel very deep pain. What should I do? He views this as very normal; I want him to stop this, but it never happens. This is isolating me, and I am losing trust in him. I can't escape from my marriage. What can I do?
Answer: I'm sorry to hear that. You are in a difficult position. If you can't leave, then you must learn how you will handle the situation. You cannot change him or his behavior. You can only control yourself. You've asked him to stop, and he clearly won't. You can't leave, so you must learn to take care of yourself. Find things to do that are good for you. Find people to spend time with who value and care about you. Friends or family members can be very supportive. In addition, you might seek professional help, such as marriage counseling. It doesn't sound like he cares about how you feel, so you must take care of yourself.
Question: Tell me if two people are in the same bed at night, and there is no one else in the room, then at 3 a.m., the wife gets hit in the face to cause two black eyes that last for weeks. How did that happen? No compassion or concern in the morning from husband only an "it serves you right' and 'you had it coming." What is that?
Answer: That sounds completely insane. You don't remember being hit? He doesn't remember hitting you? Does he take Ambien? Not that it is an excuse, but a side effect of Ambien can be doing things while sleeping and not remembering in the morning.
It concerns me that he would respond by saying it serves you right and you had it coming.
You ask, what is that. That is abuse. If it were me, I'd leave. I would never tolerate anyone hitting me.
Question: I've been married for three years now. We have a one year old together but he distances himself and says I'm the devil he regrets having. He has affairs, has kids outside our marriage etc. What can I do? I'm so depressed that it's not working out. He'll even disappear for a month. I feel I should break this apart.
Answer: Only you can decide what to do with your own life. How do you want your life to be? This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship from the outside. How does it feel from your perspective?
If you can afford counseling, I would strongly suggest you have someone help you see things clearly. You can then decide how to create healthy boundaries for yourself and your child.
Question: I’ve been married for 12 yrs. My husband and I have been to counseling but I still feel alone and neglected. Can you help with any suggestions I’m willing to take any?
Answer: Have you tried talking to your husband, and explaining that you feel alone and neglected? Maybe he thinks you're happy. Let him know, kindly, clearly and honestly, what you really need. Before you talk to him, spend some time thinking about what it is that you actually want. Do you want him to come home earlier? Spend more time with you on weekends? Think of two or three concrete things he could do to help you feel appreciated and loved. As far as your sex life is concerned, again, it's important to make your wishes known. Maybe he doesn't know you aren't satisfied. Maybe there is something you could do to spice things up and make it fun again. Take the initiative to have fun in the bedroom. Surprise him. You could also show him what you like. After twelve years of marriage, you should be able to speak openly and honestly with each other about anything, especially your relationship and sex. He can't fix it if he doesn't know there is a problem.
Question: Why is my husband withholding affection after thirty-two years of marriage? He refuses to see a marriage counselor. I am deeply hurt.
Answer: Have you tried asking him? Maybe he is embarrassed to tell you about a medical or mental condition that is affecting his performance. Tell him how you feel, that you feel unloved, unattractive, or whatever it is. Assure him that you love him, regardless of what he is going through. Find out what lies at the bottom of this change, and see if you can work through it together. I wish you all the best.
Question: My husband seems to really love me but he isn’t very helpful with the bills. I have tried talking to him but I still always end up paying and sitting around with no money to feed my kid, he then buys hundreds of dollars in shoes and I have nothing to wear. Am I just a sugar mama?
Answer: I don't know if you are describing a sugar momma. Do you provide all the money for the bills and his shoes? If he is unwilling to sit down with you and go over your finances, then it is up to you to create a budget. Determine how much money comes in. List the amounts needed every month for food, utilities, rent, and other bills. Finally, he can use what is left to buy shoes and whatnot. The two of you can decide how to spend what's leftover, but the most important thing is to ensure you have a stable home and food on the table. Clothes and entertainment should come last.
Question: Is it normal for a married man to have guy talk with his buddies about having sex with other women?
Answer: Guys talk about all kinds of things when they are together and away from their wives. Just like women talk about all kinds of things when we get together without our husbands. Join a book club, and talk about whatever you want. But don't try to censor your husband's friendships. He'll resent you.
Question: My husband and I have been having problems. Last year he wasn't too sure what he wanted in life and thought he wanted someone similar to an ex-girlfriend. Everything was going decently until recently when I expressed my insecurity because this ex is now single. I was worried. I tried to talk to him about it and he got mad at me and became distant. He stopped telling me he loves me and showing affection and keeps saying he's trying to figure out what he wants. I feel at fault. Do you have any advice?
Answer: First, remember that you are not at fault. You are not responsible for your husband's choices and decisions. Only he is responsible for his choices. You are responsible for you.
What do you want from this relationship? Get clear on what you want, and clearly and kindly express your truth to your husband. You don't deserve to play second fiddle while he hems and haws about other women.
You deserve to live a happy, fulfilling life. Hopefully, the two of you will create a path that allows you to both feel complete.
Question: My husband and I have been together for 15 years. We have 3 boys together (13,4, and10 months). We started struggling after I had the 3rd baby. At this point, every time he gets upset at me, he ignored me for 1-2 weeks. No words were spoken at all! I feel like I am breaking. I don’t know what else to do. I love him but I want what we had. I’m not sure we can get out this. I feel like he wants to me to say ‘divorce’ and he is pushing me to it. Thoughts? I need help!
Answer: I think after fifteen years together, you and your husband owe it to yourselves and to your children to figure this out. Sit down and have an open, honest conversation. Without yelling or blaming, calmly explain your own feelings. Tell him your fears and concerns. Ask him what he wants. Tell him how hurt and isolated you feel when he refuses to speak to you. Ask him if the two of you can come up with some better, healthier ways to communicate. Suggest that the two of you get into counseling. If he refuses, I'd suggest you get some counseling.
Question: My husband has anger issues. Even more so hates the idea of going to anger management. He is always mad These days. We are 10 years deep married. He has always been thisway. Is it to late to see a change in him?
Answer: First of all, you can't change anyone but yourself. Only you can determine what you will endure, and for how long you will endure it. If the anger issues are causing problems in your marriage and your life together, then tell him. Let him know how his behavior affects you and your family. It is up to you to decide what you really want, what you are willing to tolerate, and what you want to do, in response to his anger.
You don't have to accept his anger. You can leave the room. You can respond calmly. You can leave the house. You get to choose your own behavior, your own actions and your own responses. Decide what you want, and create that. You might find a counselor who can help you figure out what you really want and how to get there.
Question: Perhaps these men have hobbies because their wives have denied sex?
Answer: That is an interesting statement. None of these ten points are hobbies. They are patterns of behavior that men display in relationship. Hobbies are something else entirely. And sometimes, women deny sex because they feel they have no other recourse. If the relationship has deteriorated to the level of childish behavior, then perhaps it is time for counseling.
Question: Don't you think women make the same mistake men do which can destroy marriages?
Answer: I agree that women do things to destroy their marriages and relationships just as well. The things women and men do are not exactly the same, so I've written two different articles, to discuss the different things that they do.
Question: My grown stepdaughter has remarried, and her husband and mine (her Dad) have become best friends. They come to our house at least five times a week, and the two guys shoot pool for hours.M y stepdaughter crochets and ignores her nine-year-old (our grandson) who has behavior problems. I have become very jealous and angry at her husband who is close to my husband and my age. What should I do?
Answer: The only thing you can control in this situation is yourself. Let's examine why you are so angry and jealous. Is it because your husband isn't giving you attention? Is it because you feel responsible for the grandchild? Is it because you're jealous of your husband's relationship with his daughter?
Anger and jealousy are rooted in fear. What are you afraid of? At least your husband is home, spending time with family and not out at the bar hanging out with a woman.
That aside, it is important for you, a grown woman, to control yourself. You set the tone for your household. What are your expectations for the relationships involved? What do you want from this situation? Do you want them to come over less frequently? Do you want to spend time downstairs shooting pool? Do you want to grow closer to your stepdaughter and grandchild? What is it you want? What are you afraid of?
Once you honestly answer those two questions for yourself, then you are ready to move forward. Keep in mind that you can't have everything, all the time. Maybe you could ask them only to come over two or three times a week. Maybe you can find things to do with your stepdaughter. Maybe you can hang out with the guys. Maybe you can have fun with the grandson.
What can you do in this situation to make it more ideal for your life?
Question: I’ve been married for almost twenty years. When we have sexual he has an orgasm and then we are done. Is this how it is supposed to be? I’m very unfulfilled, but I don’t know what to do about it?
Answer: Twenty years is a long time to have an unfulfilling sex life. The first thing you could do is talk to your husband. Be honest. Be kind. Tell him what you like. If you don't know what you like, ask him to help you figure it out. Or, you could purchase a vibrator. Amazon has some that are reasonably priced. Bring it to bed and teach him how to pleasure you. Or, you could gift wrap it and give it to him, and teach him how to pleasure you. Most men are reasonable, and they want their women to be sexually satisfied. It's a matter of pride to please his woman. Help him by telling him what you like. If you don't have the courage to speak up and show him what you like, then you'll probably be taking care of yourself for the duration of your marriage.
Question: My husband loves me but wants to sleep separately. Why?
Answer: Why don't you begin by asking your husband why he wants to sleep separately? Perhaps he snores and doesn't want to disturb you. Maybe you snore, and he can't sleep. Does he get up early, or is he a restless sleeper? There are lots of reasons. Go directly to the source, and be kind.
Question: How can I get my husband to hear what I need in our marriage?
Answer: The best way to get someone to listen to you is through your own actions. Be the kind of partner you would like to have. You can't change him, but you can make your own life better.
Question: My husband has had an affair 20 years ago, he still keeps in contact with his mistress reporting she suffers from depression. They have a 20 year old son together. Our marriage is crap what should I do?
Answer: Well, if your husband has a son, then it only makes sense for him to be in contact with his mistress. Once you have a child with someone, you are always connected, like it or not. As far as her depression, that sounds like an excuse. There is no reason for him to be speaking with her, other than regarding their son. He'll probably say they are still friends, which may be true.
It is difficult to work on your own marriage if his heart is not in it. I'd suggest you have an honest talk, and figure out if you both want to stay married to each other. You can go from there.
Question: I have been lying to my wife, and it is affecting my relationship. What can I do?
Answer: Be honest, first with yourself. What is it you want, and what do you hope to gain from lying? Second, grow up. Do you want to be in this relationship or not? You owe it to yourself and to your wife to be honest, even if it is hard. Honor yourself, honor her, and honor your commitment. Be truthful and move forward.
Question: Every weekend all weekend my husband drinks and smokes cigars while watching videos or on his phone. He always says that we are more than welcome to join him. We have three children, and I think he should not spend so much time drinking every single weekend. Am I wrong?
Answer: How about if you and your kids go find something fun to do every weekend? You don't have to sit in the house, watching your husband. Take the kids to the park, for a hike, or to the mall or library. These are all free. You are not a victim, and you are not a hostage. Take the kids and have fun. Invite your husband to join you, but don't get insulted or mad if he doesn't want to. Let him waste his life drinking and smoking. You can have fun with your kids.
Question: My husband and I have been married for 15 years. I have done everything I can think of. He does each of these things on the list of ways men ruin their marriage, except having an affair and #10 on the list. Whenever I try to talk, he shuts it down by lecturing me on how I need to understand how men think and/or walking out of the room. I can't see myself ever leaving him; we used to be best friends--or so I thought. Am I loyal to a fault? Would you recommend me sending him a link to this page and see if he finally gets a clue?
Answer: I'm not sure you can be "loyal to a fault". If you are overlooking abusive behavior, that isn't loyalty, that is fear. If he is abusive, then you should get out of the situation.
If the things he's doing aren't abusive but just annoying, then it's time for an open, honest conversation. Tell him how you really feel. And when he starts lecturing you, don't get defensive. Be rational. Be honest. Be sincere.
If you used to be best friends, what changed? How do you get back to that place, where you are friends again? What can you do to be his friend? Don't expect him to move first. If you are the one who wants things to change, then you must move first.
I do not recommend sending him a link to the page. He will think I'm a man hating bitch, and he will likely think the same of you. Instead, look for ways to move back to the place where you are friends again.
Question: My husband and I have been separated for over a year due to his infidelities. He says he wants our relationship and our marriage back. I want the same, although the problem is trust. How do you regain it? My family also hates him, including my mother and my children.
Answer: What do you want? You say he wants it to work, but what do you really want? Trust, once broken, is difficult to rebuild. If he really wants it to work, then he must earn your trust. If you want it to work, then you must practice forgiveness. Neither of you has an easy path. And if your family hates him, it will be harder for both of you. Perhaps look into some counseling like couples counseling, then at least you've done something to help you choose the best path for yourself. I wish you all the best.
Question: What does it mean when a husband puts work before you?
Answer: It means he is committed to his work. Many men are workaholics. It isn't healthy, but it's hard to get them to spend more time at home. They feel guilty that something will go wrong at work, if they aren't there to manage.
Gently remind him that you love him and you want to see him too. Try to spend as much time together as you can. Maybe set up a date night. Or get up early and spend time together before he leaves the house. It's hard to find the time, when they work a lot. Let him know it's important to you, and ask if he can set aside some family time. Communicate with him and create a plan.
Question: My husband and I don't have sex. I work nights and he works days so we only see each other before bed and rarely speak to each other. He spends all of his free time playing computer games. He neglects our toddlers for his games. I'm feeling depressed and neglected. I don't feel love for him anymore. I think he has an addiction to his computer or maybe it's his escape from us. I tell him I want to see a marriage counselor but he wont. Not sure what to do really?
Answer: It sounds like you have drifted apart, and that the work schedule is not helping the situation.
First, it is important for you and your husband to carve out some time for just the two of you. I know how difficult it is when you work opposite schedules, and as you are the one working nights, it will be especially hard for you. If you want to save and restore your marriage, you have got to make time for each other. Plan it and schedule it into both of your schedules. Even if you just get an hour together, you need to make some time. You both need to make the other person feel cared about, noticed and loved. He needs this as much as you do. It would be wonderful if you could find the strength and resolve within yourself, to be sexually intimate with your husband. This will go a long way to bringing you back to each other. It's difficult when you don't feel loved, to be intimate, but it's also difficult for him to feel close to you if his needs in that area aren't being met. Someone has to move first, and since you're reaching out, it seems like you might be the one more motivated to try and make things work.
He probably is addicted to the computer. There isn't much you can do about that. If you're gone all night and he's home with the kids, he probably gets bored pretty quickly. That's no excuse, but the truth is, as with any addiction, there isn't much you can do about it. He has to acknowledge the problem and work on it himself. It is probably how he escapes from the stress of his life.
Finally, if you want to seek professional counseling, then by all means, go ahead and do it alone. Marriage counseling is great, if you can get your partner to go, but if he isn't willing, it won't work. You can, however, learn some great tools to manage your own stress, and learn how to react to the reality of your own situation. It will work, if you want it to.
Question: Why is cheating and financial dishonesty not included in ways men destroy their marriages?
Answer: Well, there are lots of things people do to destroy their relationships. Those two things, while important, can often be symptoms of something bigger going on within the relationship. There are ten of the things that I think are important, but anyone, woman or man, can write an article about whatever they think are the most important factors.
Question: My husband has told his mother that am doing something bad while he was having another woman. Now that we have fixed our relationship, he wants me to apologize to his parents for telling them that I am bad, is he not the one who suppose to call and change the story that he told them?
Answer: You could kindly let your inlaws know that you didn't cause the problems, and that you are both working to make your marriage better. You don't need to apologize for stuff you didn't do, but throwing him under the bus will only make you look bad. They will believe their boy, not you.
Question: My husband and I have been married for twenty-one years. We have three kids and he continues to put his mom, dad, sisters and everyone else in front of me. I’m tired of it. We have done counseling separated once before. What do I do?
Answer: What do you want to do? What does your heart say? If you've been married for twenty-one years, are your kids grown? Maybe it's time for you to put yourself first.
Question: I am wife and mother of four. This article really resonated with me. I am currently experiencing all of these things with my husband. It seems like he has no time for us, ( the kids and I) anymore. We were separated before for about a year, and have reconciled since then. But now I see the same patterns again. I feel abandoned and alone. I don't know what to do. I tried taking with my husband, but nothing changed, what now?
Answer: I am sorry to hear about your predicament. There are several things to think about, when you and your husband separated, what were the main issues? Who initiated the separation? When you reconciled, what were the conditions of the reunion? If you see recurring patterns, have you spoken to him about that?
There is nothing worse than feeling abandoned and alone in a marriage. I know from my own experience. It is a very painful experience.
The thing is, you can't change him. You can only change yourself. You can only control yourself. Therapy might be a great place to start, to figure out what it is you want, not just out of your relationship, but out of your life.
Once you determine what you want, then you can begin moving forward toward your best life.
Question: My husband is almost always multi-tasking and I often have to repeat myself when I speak to him. I am very frustrated by this. Am I being unreasonable wanting him to pause and pay attention when I talk more often?
Answer: I think it is reasonable to want your partner's undivided attention. It is also reasonable to let him multitask if you are just talking about the mundane details of your life. If what you have to say is important and significant, make a point of pausing, taking a breath and making eye contact. Tell him that you really need him to hear what you are saying. There is a fine balance between wanting his attention (or anyone's attention, really) and demanding they listen raptly to every word you speak. When you're just chatting, loosen up a little. When it's important, make sure they know.
Question: Why is my husband withholding affection? He is not unfaithful, and I have expressed my hurt and desire to reconnect, but to no avail. He actually shuts down even more. He refuses to see a marriage counselor. I am terribly hurt. I feel very alone in my marriage, and I am at a loss as to what to do. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Answer: It seems unusual for a man to withhold affection. Ask him if there is a problem, not with your relationship necessarily, but perhaps with him physically or mentally. Maybe he is depressed, doesn't feel well or has high blood pressure.
Marriage counseling can be intimidating, but you can get a lot out of it by going for yourself.
It is hard to feel so alone. If he won't even communicate what the problem is, it leaves you in a difficult place. I'd suggest professional counseling, just to help you manage your own experience and feelings.
Question: I feel all alone in my marriage. When it comes to paying bills, I spend all my money paying the bills, but he only pays what he wants to pay. He says I'm a nag. I'm so ready to move on, I provided for our home for two and half years by myself when he was unemployed, now he is working and I get little or no help with our bills. What do I do?
Answer: You have to decide what you want. If you want to stay married, then perhaps you could have a conversation with him about how you feel, and about the finances. You need to be open and honest. If you don't want to stay with him, then it's time to move on. Waiting will only drag things out and you'll feel drained and used. Perhaps professional counseling can help you decide what you really want.
Question: My husband won't wear his ring. I told him that it bugs me and I feel disrespected when he won't. I understand not wearing it at work. But on days off, I ask him to wear it. I've also asked him to be home on days off. He blew up and yelled that he cant just sit here. I've asked him to go to counseling, but he says no. He only is nice to me when he wants sex. He doesn't talk to me. He jumps and runs when his friends or family calls. Why don't I matter?
Answer: It's a terrible thing, to feel unloved in a marriage. It hurts when you feel like he doesn't care. And he probably feels attacked every time you come near him, so he gets defensive.
So, try to take a step back. The ring is a symbol. That's all. It is a lot more important to women than it is to men. My husband recently lost his ring, and it pissed me off. I thought about what I would do if I lost my ring, and how I would run to the store to replace it with something. The truth is, he's still married to me. He's in my bed every night. He works hard, and loves and supports me, whether he's wearing his ring or not. And I've started noticing, at work, at the gym, and the grocery, that most women wear rings, but many men (who I know are married) do not. And I realized that maybe it's not that big a deal.
If your husband doesn't want to just sit around on his days off, maybe you could plan something for the two of you to do together. What did yo enjoy doing when you liked each other? Hiking? Are you going to movies? What fun things could you enjoy together? Plan a date and tell him ahead of time, so he knows you have plans with him. Try to think of something that you will both enjoy.
Question: Where is your list of the ten things woman do wrong?
Answer: You can read that article here:
https://hubpages.com/problems/Top-10-Things-Women-...
Question: My husband has a female friend that he spends Sundays with. The last 7 Sundays. the weekend of our Anniversary and the weekends of our Birthdays. It is only a couple of hours, he works six days a week, and we don't share the same day off. He goes to her house on Sunday from 11 to 3 or 4:30 pm I know they don't have sex, but I feel unloved am I wrong. He says he isn't cheating so there is nothing wrong. Am I over-reacting?
Answer: Intimacy doesn't only mean having sex. Your husband and his friend appear to be creating an intimate relationship. As he invests time in her, he is not investing in your relationship. How do you know they don't have sex? Even if they are watching football or odd jobs or hanging out, they are still spending a lot of time together, which you and your husband are not.
It does not sound like you are overreacting. It sounds like you need to start spending more time with your partner.
Question: My husband is always leaving me. He works two jobs, and he goes to Florida to see his daughter and her kids. even when they have been at our home for a week, he goes back to Florida with them and stays another week. why doesn't he want to be with me?
Answer: It is difficult to be married. Your husband does want to be with you. Why does he work two jobs? Do you work? It is good of him to visit his daughter. Don't be jealous. Let him see his daughter. Do you ever go with him to Florida? He is not the source of your entertainment. Find things to do that you enjoy, while he is gone.
Question: What should I do when my husband neglects and avoids me? We have a 9-year-old son. He is always busy with his works and is not interested in me and almost ten years have passed.
Answer: I'm sorry to hear that. The best thing I can suggest is to offer love instead of your fear. When he comes home, hug him and ask about his day. Act interested in his life. Create your own life outside of him and your relationship. Do things to make your own life better while he is at work. Above all, always respond with love.
Question: What can I do when the wife doesn't show any affection towards me? Also, she doesn't really care for sex. I always ask for it, and it feels like I'm forcing her to have sex with me. I'm starting not to care anymore, but I'm trying really hard to keep fighting for my marriage. What's you're advice?
Answer: Communication is key and will help restore your sex life. Have you tried to talk to her, without talking her into sex? Find out what's going on for her, and in her life. Be gently affectionate, without being overtly sexual. Show her that you love and appreciate her. What is the reason behind her withholding affection? If you really want to know, listen to what she says. Don't get defensive, just listen, with a heart to heal. Ask her what you can do to restore your relationship. Tell her how much you miss the intimacy that you shared, and ask her what you can do to help her return to you. Listen first to understand. Then move forward gently. Tell her you love her, and you want things to work. I wish you the best.
Question: My wife and I have been having a difficult time lately. We've been distant and busy and I feel like we don't really click anymore. Lately I have been feeling resentment towards her to me it seems she is lazy and a tad bit irresponsible when deep down I know she's not. I guess what I'm asking is what can I do to become closer with my wife and let her know that I do love her and I want to feel closer to her?
Answer: It's hard to connect when life gets in the way. Then, when resentment builds, the walls grow taller and thicker. My suggestion is that you begin with gratitude. Remind yourself of all the things she does in your relationship. Then, take the time to thank her for what she does. Send her a card. Write her a note. Tell her to her face how much you appreciate what she does. Take some time for yourselves. Life is busy, but at the end of the day, find some time to connect. Face to face. Tell her you love her. Make the first move toward connection, and don't lose heart if it takes some time. It may be difficult to undo what neglect has created.
Question: What about talking to her about her life, her thoughts, her day, your article seems to focus primarily on him, like the woman is nothing without him, some women want a man who is interested in their day, their interests and thoughts to as if they matter and are as importunate as the man’s?
Answer: This article was written for men, to discover what they do to mess up a relationship. I've written another article regarding women. It is important that partners act like partners, give and take. They share their hopes and dreams, their fears, their expectations, the mundane details of their days. It is what builds a lasting relationship, communication. Each partner is equally important in a relationship. Each brings different strengths and weaknesses, and the couple must learn how to work together to create a strong union.
Question: My wife had 3 of our kids and womanly issues every since the loss of hormones & shes anemic etc we've been dealing with her issues for years & shes tired & down I lift her up but she feels shes lost all her lady parts. Shes not horny anymore & I'm sexually frustrated what should I do?
Answer: Sorry to hear about your trouble. I'd suggest gently and honestly speaking to your wife about your concerns. She probably doesn't feel attracted to you anymore, and she may be worried about you leaving her. Talk to her. Be honest. Be compassionate about her troubles, but be honest about your own struggles. Look for ways to bring the passion back to your marriage.
Question: My husband bought a truck with my credit card without discussing it with me first. I feel very disrespected and hurt. How should I handle this situation?
Answer: I'm not sure how someone can use your credit card without your permission. I don't know that much about finances.
I would be direct and honest. Tell him, calmly, exactly how you feel. And if the truck was financed with your name, then you can certainly go to the dealership and tell them that you did not authorize the charge.
I'd begin by having an open and honest conversation with your husband.
Question: My husband and I do not have sex anymore, last time was more than 1 year ago. We’ve been married for 6 years and have 2 young children of 5 and 3. He is always criticizing me or the kids and doesn’t pay much attention to us. I love him and wants our marriage to work but I feel like I'm fighting alone for a lost cause. Is there really something left to save in our marriage?
Answer: If you want your marriage to work, begin with an honest conversation with your husband. Ask him what he'd like to see change in your marriage. Be honest about the changes you'd like to see. Perhaps seek some professional counseling, either as a couple or by yourself, to learn how to work through your differences constructively.
Question: I am having a very difficult time with my husband. We have been married for 28 years and have 3 children. Two years ago I was diagnosed with herpes and soon after he was diagnosed with Hepatitis C as a result of 3 one night stands he had before we were married. I am having difficulty accepting the STDs diagnoses. He never told me about his previous escapades with promiscuous women. I don't trust him anymore and he refuses to listen to what I have to say. Should I just walk away from our marriage?
Answer: The decision to walk away is entirely yours. But before you make any rash decisions, maybe take a moment to put things in perspective. Yes, herpes and Hep C are tough diagnoses. The truth is, your husband might not have known he got herpes or Hep C. Sometimes they can lie dormant in the body for years. There may be no symptoms for years.
Do you really want to punish him for a mistake he made 28 years ago? Do you love him? After this many years together, it seems like you would have developed the communication skills necessary to work through this difficult time.
It is only the end of the world if you decide it is. But don't punish him, and yourself needlessly. There is nothing you can do about it now.
© 2010 Deborah Demander
Comments
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on September 27, 2020:
Donna,
This makes me so sad. I am so sorry for this life that you both live.
Perhaps you can create some meaning for yourself. Maybe join a local senior center or find some volunteer opportunities? It's difficult in the midst of a pandemic, but there are opportunities to find and create a community of supportive friends.
I wish you all the best.
Do something to make yourself feel happy and loved.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on September 27, 2020:
Jen,
You are absolutely right. There is no way to "win" against a passive-aggressive personality.
Be careful who you marry, and choose your battles wisely.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on September 27, 2020:
Heartwreck,
It sounds like you are in a difficult situation. It sounds like he isn't spending quality time with you or his child or children.
The best thing you can do is take care of yourself and your two kids. Make sure you give them lots of love, and do kind things for yourself.
Fighting, yelling and crying are all useless tactics. They not only make you feel worse, but they will also cause him to stay away even more. Nobody wants to be yelled at every time they walk in the door. Even if he is wrong, it is useless to cry, yell and fight. He will ignore it and call you crazy.
Instead, try to remain calm. Tell him what you would like. "I would like to spend the day with you on Saturday" or "I want to have dinner together as a family once a week."
Create reasonable, doable requests and start small.
Aside from them, be kind and loving to yourself and your children.
Donna on August 14, 2020:
My husband is an intrevert and very quiet, has no friends and has worked the mid night shift for 40 years. What ever he did in his life it has been alone, even his military life. We have been married 53 years and hasn't slept with me most of that time. He seems to hate people and rather just stay at home and away from everyone. He didn't like his parents, his mom was over bearing and dad was an alcoholic. they never supported him, he was told to go to work. From what I can tell at age 10 or so he worked 3 or 4 paper routes per week. Did lousy in school but did graduate. His boss ran a small shop that sold greeting card, magazines, smoke products and he slept there so he didn't have to go home. He got a one a day free meal at a resturant down the street. I've had a terrible life no love, sex, kids or anything. I don't know why we married I should have left and that was my mistake. He didn't know how to show love but he made sure I had a house and money and health care. Life some times is not pretty. He's 75 now and I just leave him alone and he works in his shop!
jen on August 09, 2020:
Sometimes spouses are passive-aggressive and sadly nothing can fix it. Often they are reluctant to go to therapy because they feel they aren't the problem. Even is they do go to therapy they rewrite history and focus on you being the problem. Passive-aggressive people don't communicate honestly and they sulk, pout, and give you the silent treatment. They never tell you what's wrong even if you ask them. They neglect you and distance themselves so they don't have to take responsibility for their actions. This leads to a difficult unhappy marriage. Both men and women can be passive-aggressive. The worst part is if you bring a problem to their attention, such as them neglecting you, they pay you back in spades by neglecting you even more. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. You have to either live like that or dare to speak up which makes it a thousand times worse. So be careful not to marry a passive-aggressive mate as you'll never understand what's wrong in your marriage but you'll always be trying to fix it.
C.O on July 13, 2020:
Some men are just dam selfish & do not care about their wife"s feeling & family need all in the name of anger of my wife ' s mouth was bending while speaking to me , for that he go on malice & ignores his wife .
C.O on July 13, 2020:
Some men are just dam selfish & do not care about their wife"s feeling & family need all in the name of anger of my wife ' s mouth was bending while speaking to me , for that he go on malice & ignores his wife .
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on June 26, 2020:
I think it would work either way. I have an article about the stupid things women do to screw up their relationships. It's slightly different. Because men and women aren't the same.
Take care.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on June 26, 2020:
;)
Yep. You could definitely say that!
I wish you well.
gamesnpoon on June 26, 2020:
what a bunch of crap this list is!
Just a list of excuses wifes or people in general can use to justify thier infidelity.
Would it or does it even work the exact same way if it where the other way around?
John on June 25, 2020:
Top #1 way a man destroys his life: Allowing a woman into it.
Rylin on June 10, 2020:
Hello! I’m going to try and keep this as short as possible. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years, we have lived together for 1 year. He does all 10 of these thing... I really mean it all 10. I’m not happy at all. I can’t talk to him, he’s never home, he essentially tells me I’m wrong when I try to tell him how he’s been making me feel, he’s working later and later, he doesn’t touch me and when he does he doesn’t even try to touch me in places I like or want and crave, he always has to be right even when it comes to my opinions or feelings, he never is able to apologize to me, he had angry issues that are the abolsute worse when he comes home drunk and all his pent up feelings come in a terrible scary way, I have major self image issues and he tells me I’m wrong and that the things I feel bad about aren’t bad BUT THEY ARE TO ME. Sorry for alll the comments I’m crying currently and not paying attention to grammar and punctuation. I don’t know what to do I really want to leave him but I’m afraid of how he will react. I’m also sad thinking about how easy he will find another girlfriend and imagine them together (I’m nightmares too). I worry I will be single the rest of my life (I’m 26 btw).
heartwreck on May 19, 2020:
my husband does not have time for me...After office he is all the time is on his mobile..playing mobile games,talking to his family and then daily go out with his friends...After 11pm he will come back and then use mobile and sleep... i have 11mnth child and i am again pregnant...we have been married for 37 month...i cried,fight emotionally talked to him but all in vain....some times i thinks that why i got married...its so painful your partner doesn't have time for you and his child...
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on April 02, 2020:
We all make mistakes. Hopefully we can learn from them and become the best version of ourselves.
Namaste
Laurinzoscott from Kanab, Utah on April 01, 2020:
Well, im not married yet but I know mistakesI made in the past...thisarticle is helpful
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on March 16, 2020:
Shane, I appreciate your candor and openness. And it sounds like you really love your wife.
It's hard, to get together so young and begin having children.
When women talk to other men, it's because they are seeking validation, reassurance and affirmation that they are still attractive. She's young but after so many years together, she probably feels old and tired and ugly. It's a girl thing.
The best thing you could do is tell her how you feel. That you love her and only want to spend your life with her. Tell her how beautiful she is. And although it is hard, try and get some time for just the two of you. Even if it means sitting alone outside after the kids are asleep, or getting up together extra early to spend some time just drinking coffee and talking about life. You both need that connection to remind yourselves why you love each other, and to remind each other how much you love each other. It is important to take time to tell each other and demonstrate that love.
I wish you both all the best.
Namaste
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on March 13, 2020:
I think we learn from all who have gone before us. And all who are walking the path with us now.
Thank you for reading and commenting on my article.
Namaste
Shane on March 13, 2020:
Hello,
I love my wife very much. we have 3 little girls together. and have been together since 9th-10th grade in high school.
She is now 26, i am 27. I work 10 hours per day and she works part time thursday, friday and sunday. It's very hard to find time to spend together.
Lately we've been doing alot of bickering. every fight we ever have involves the "D" word. I tell her ok if that's what you want. and i'll get a call or text to come home and cry with her, meaning "come back".
It's taken its toll on me. Hearing it so many times, hurts, but hearing it so many times has put callus's on my heart. She is the only girl/woman i've ever been with. only girl i want to be with for the rest of my life. These fights arent what i want. and alot of times they are my fault. When we get into these arguments i lose my cool and i yell. alot of it comes from one of us not doing our "part".
She has talked to other men in a way i'm not comfortable with. mainly with the popular app, "Snapchat". so i've asked her to stop using it. and she did. but now i find myself judging her when she wears her makeup. (she definitely knows how to apply it and look good, not like a clown :) )
So now there are trust issues thrown into the mix.
Just want to see what someone else's opinions are. that's how i ended up here. am i not spending enough time with her. am i taking the whole social media thing too seriously?
Thank you!
SuperMan on March 12, 2020:
I think that it is wise to read the stories of others, and learn from their incorrect actions. We can all learn from other people.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on March 05, 2020:
It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.
Are you happy?
thandeka on March 04, 2020:
he doesnt show any interest on me he is too controlling he doesnt want my family he is secretive hr tell his family everyting we plan
bhattuc on February 03, 2020:
Well presented. People often do these mistakes. Good reading and thanks for posting.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on January 03, 2020:
@Matilda,
It is difficult, as a woman to feel respect or sexual attraction to a man who doesn't work. No matter what the circumstances are, when the wife must be the main bread winner, it creates a disruption in the balance of the relationship.
What do you want out of this marriage? First get clear on what you want to be as a woman, and what you want from a partner. Next, take steps toward that goal. Take the ball out of his court by creating a life that you want. If he doesn't like the changes you make, maybe he will begin to change his own life.
You can't make him work. You can't make him get off the computer. You can't make him stop fighting.
What you can do is control your response. Until you are ready to change, then nothing around you will change. Decide what you want and take one step in that direction.
Namaste
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on January 03, 2020:
@S,
This doesn't sound like a very satisfying or fulfilling marriage for either of you. Besides a long history, what is the point?
At this stage of your lives, one ought to be enjoying time together and doing all the things you've always dreamed of doing. Why all the bickering?
It sounds like you are both unhappy. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your lives? You do not have to do anything that you don't want to do.
Neither of you should.
Since you can only control yourself, it is time to start taking control.
Do things that make you happy. Rather than sitting around waiting to talk to him, go to a coffee shop. Go to the gym. Go to the library. Go do the things that interest you and make you happy. It is time to start being kind to yourself and stop being a victim of your relationship.
Namaste
Matilda on December 30, 2019:
Hi my husband and I haven’t had sexual contact for a year now. He hasnt worked for 5 years, and I am the bread winner of the house. Despite we have a baby. He is constantly on the computer watching porn or futball. Plus he is constantly angry at me for everything and stops talking to me for days. I can take this anymore. Is my marriage over? I feel
S on December 28, 2019:
My husband and I have been married 55 years. For the last five years he has put himself first in everything that he does and ignores me. When I try to talk he says I just want to argue. I believe he is a narcissist because he's constantly thinking and doing things for himself and won't talk or stonewall me. I want him to be more responsive attentive and talk to me. We go entire weeks without speaking because he does not want to talk. I don't want to divorce because we have a history. But I don't know where to go from here.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on December 01, 2019:
@Jennifer, I am so sorry to hear this. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Find friends, do things you enjoy, and get out of the house.
Your happiness has nothing to do with your husband. It is your responsibility to make yourself happy. Grab your life and make it happen.
I wish you all the best.
Namaste
Jennifer on November 29, 2019:
I feel so alone and i am in tears because my husband leaves me alone most of his time
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on November 05, 2019:
@RyFlo,
Thanks for the comment!
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on November 05, 2019:
@Christopher Harpe, I appreciate your comments on this article. And actually, I have written an article about the things women do to destroy their relationships.
I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. Don't give up on love.
RyFlo on November 04, 2019:
@nomorelonely1
Girl you are gonna be lonely as long as you let him ignore you. Hes enjoying his best life while you watch. Make him watch you leave in relief of getting rid of his ass. I hope tot find happiness.
Roxane bell on November 01, 2019:
Its so unblievable he comes on infront of my face when we go out with youngervwomen .then i make a friend we go to a resterant he sits on her side leaves me alone sitting on the other side. He puts everyone particullarly women before me. And expects a normal loving home environment. Is he for real ?
Chris Harper from Norfolk VA on October 22, 2019:
It's so strange that this is emphasized as things that MEN do to destroy their marriages. Yet, I, being a man and a husband for 25 years, am going thru nearly each of these. I love her but it feels like I am alone, married to myself. Let's see if I can elaborate:
1. Leaving Her Alone
No, she doesn't leave me alone in the same sense of how I
used to leave on a deployment. She leaves in the sense that
her body is here but her mind is somewhere else. When she comes home from work she plays games on her phone. All the while I am sitting there and barely says a word.
2. Not Getting Close Enough
When I sit quietly and think about it, I know very little about my wife. Even after 25 years. I know her immediate family and where she grew up. On the other hand she's been to my home state, knows all of my friends and even my deepest secrets. But she refuses to talk about her past and when she does it's taciturn. We sleep in the same bed, we don't have sex (for years now) and since I am not a smartphone we are not "close".
2.5. Closing Yourself Off to Her
Everything you said refers to ME not HER! When she gets upset with me she stops speaking. This can go on for MONTHS!
3. Always Trying to "Fix" Her
Again, this describes ME! I have sat her down and told her EXACTLY what the problems were. The basic problem is we don't communicate and her icey coldness. I don't ask for much.
4. Never Saying "I'm Sorry."
I don't see saying "I'm sorry" as a sign of "weakness". Nor do I see crying in front of my wife as a "weakness". But (and I know many people say this) she really doesn't see a reason to apologize for anything. Somehow, some way she sees herself as "innocent" or a "victim".
5. Taking Her Insecurities Too Lightly
My wife doesn't seem to care about ANYTHING I do. She is like an android. Come home, pet the cat, take a shower, eat, play with her phone, zzzzzz. Rinse and repeat. If there is a conversation to be had then I have to be the one to begin!
6. Ignoring the Importance of Simple Gestures
This was more than a "simple gesture". A few months back my wife woke up and said her left side was numb. She attempted to get up but could not. To make a long story short she had a mini stroke. I held her and told her everything was going to be fine! My son and I got her to the ER. She is fine today. Now I have developed a few health problems from my time in the service. I am also diabetic. I was given new meds by the VA doc but wasn't told how they'd interact. I ended up on the floor, in pain, wretching my guts out! The only person who helped me was my 19 year old son. My "wife" was too busy eating pasta and watching TV while I was rolling on the carpet right in front of her! Not the first time. I was admitted to the hospital last year because an ingrown hair became septic and the infection was spreading. She told me she didn't know I was "that sick". A few months back I became dehydrated in the street and the ambo and my son took me to the ER. She didn't come to see me because she was "mad" and it was "my fault" I was there.
7. Taking All the Fun Out of Sex
We haven't had sex in YEARS...next!!!
8. Getting Lost in Bitterness and Anger
LOL! My wife BARELY knows I EXIST! I'm the Meg Griffin of the house!
9. Not Taking Responsibility
That would be nice! If she could show some human EMOTION!
10. Picking the Wrong Woman. Again.
Yet again! I am 47, this is my SECOND marriage! I got married young at 18 (which I don't advise, but not for the reasons people may think) But if were to get a divorce now, I don't think I'd roll the dice again!
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on October 14, 2019:
@nomorelonely1,
It sounds like you have a long road ahead of you. I think the best place to start is to have an honest conversation with yourself. Maybe get yourself into some counseling. You cannot change, fix or control anyone other than yourself. So, the first thing you can do is get yourself healthy. What do you really want? Not only in your marriage, but also in your own life in general. If you actually want to stay married to your husband, then have a conversation with him. Not a guilt trip. Not an argument. Just an honest conversation, where you tell him that you love him and you don't want to lose him.
Being married is difficult and takes a commitment from both parties. If he isn't committed to working on your relationship and saving your marriage, then it doesn't matter what you do, he will not stay.
Men are pretty easy to understand and. They want to be respected and admired by the women they love. Women want to be loved and cherished by the men they admire. Somehow, the two of you have gotten away from respecting and loving each other. I would strongly recommend you read the book "Love and Respect," by Emmerson Eggrichs. It is a helpful tool to understand the differences in how men and women perceive life. In addition, I think some professional counseling will help you find a direction and set some realistic goals for yourself.
I wish you all the best,
Namaste
JYOTSNA on October 11, 2019:
We both are working leave home at 9.30 in the morning and i return home at 6.30 from office then go to gym for 2hrs approx reach home at 9 pm in the night and he return 7 in the night.
When i return to home he is never interested in talking with me. used to say why u return back home. In night when i go close it seems he never interested in me ... always using phone in night, some time push me back or i say hug me i have pain in my hand... kind of comments.
I try to avoid to go home.
Never interested to go outside the home ... neither on birthday anniversary.
It's worth to keep this relationship... I'm not able to understand it's only 2.5 year of marriage and I'm always crying not fulfilling my hobbies.
Nomorelonely1 on October 10, 2019:
My husband can be a good man, but, he has always had the habit of raising his voice to me, complaining, storming out of a room when I talk to him, or just ignoring me all together . However, there are times when he can be kind. Our sex life has happened only occasionally these last years, because of his inattentiveness to me -- he wanted sex on demand. When I would tell him that I wanted some help, some conversation, wanted to cuddle first, he would become upset. I love him, but am not wild about how he feels that sex is the end all, be all. I recently discovered that he is having sex with another woman. He doesn't sleep with me, he claims that the bed hurts his back, so he sleeps in an armchair downstairs. This woman texts him a lot, and sends him provocative pictures. He says that nothing is going on, but he has gone on a lot of business trips and I feel like she is there with him. She must not work. She is a lot younger than he is. He does not want to be involved in family activities anymore, claiming that he has to work 7 days a week until 11:00 p.m. I have been trying to work on things, and I think that he would have too, but all things stopped when this woman came on the scene a few weeks ago. All I have ever wanted was his love and respect, would love to be with him sexually...I just needed a little attention. I was not "ready Freddy" when he wanted sex, and so he says that the passion for me is gone. There is so much more to me than that. I just wanted him to see me for who I am. I have leukemia, and while I am in remission right now, I still have the constant doctor appointments, lab work, etc. He is 65. I don't know why he is behaving this way. I need to be able to trust him, and he needs to be honest with me, as I am with him. I love him, and want him back with me. I know that he loves me (minus the passion); I just want things to be better than they were. He has a business trip in 3 weeks, and I asked to go with him. He said "no" because he has a lot of work to do, but I just want to be with. I want him to want me. We have never had a honeymoon, nor gone on a trip together where it was just us, and we have been married for 28 years. I want to stop thinking and worrying about what he is doing, for, it will make me sick. Is it a status thing? Why couldn't he just talk to me instead of going to this extreme? I want to save my marriage.
Miriam on October 10, 2019:
My boyfriend and I have lived together on and off for almost a year. We discovered a few things about each other since then and we've been able to manage those issues. Even though I feel happy with the man I have on my side I still feel lonely and often left alone at least once or twice a month for a whole weekends. He is in the service and does his training drills once a months on top of that he takes off to check on his dogs and do house work at his old friends house where he still partially resides. Some other weekends he leaves to go see his family 2hrs away and spends the weekend there too. When he's with me we share conversations and do interact around the house, but when it comes going to bed he goes directly to sleep and most of the time there is no physical sexual interaction or affection. He said his not the type that is kissy..kissy and touchy, but I am. He does not care for much love making, but he says he loves me. I love him and I now he loves me. We both don't want to let go of each other but I do want more from him. I feel lonely and neglected and we both don't know what to do.
We are thinking of marriage, but we don't want to make a mistake and have this relationship fail.
Before our relationship he was married for 20 yrs and wife passed away and I was married for 26 years and divorced after husband cheated and left for another woman. So him and I have been in long relationships where we previously made things work.
Been Patient on October 05, 2019:
The article has some good points. 1-3 hit home and brought tears to my eyes. I've beem married for 6 yrs the end of this month and we've been together for 10 yrs. I feel alone alot. It's the second saturday in a row, he leaves at 8:30 in the morning for his haircut and its 11:41 p.m. now, he's not here. He stopped by twice and it was only for less than 5 mins. I think about it alot how i want to leave or feel shortchanged when it comes to marriage or love. He doesn't do any household chores/cleaning, doesn't cook, doesn't plan any date nights, doesn't make plans with me at all and i have to ask for help on our bills. He's been abusive and i have suspected him cheating, but haven't had any evidence fallen on me. I just feel so neglected amd unloved. Sometimes i wonder, are all guys like this? Want to spend time with you to get you then years later not rushing home to see you. Or spending time with you is now foreign. If I bring this up, it will cause a fight or he becomes dismissive. We have been trying to conceive for 4 yrs with no child, but he has 3 kids. You can see how i feel very lonely about this too. Good to vent and know some out there understands what I'm going through.
Cautiously Optimistic on September 20, 2019:
I am not married, at least not now. I was married for 19 years, and unfortunately it ended almost 6 years ago. I am now in relationship #3 since my divorce. The first two don't really count I realized quickly it wasn't going to work. The last and current one has lasted almost 3 years. I feel as though I am making the same mistakes I made in my marriage. And that is exactly what I was trying to avoid. In my current relationship my bf is not affectionate, he doesn't respect me, or my things. I feel very alone, and detached from him. Yet he tells me he loves me. I don't feel that love. I'm not sure why we are even together, other than he has no where else to go. I feel like I give more than he does, and it has caused me to become hateful and angry, but it started out as hurt. When he talks about his exes it's always positive and it makes me feel less than, and that I don't measure up and that I never will. He also drinks daily and it causes problems for me as I do not agree nor do I want it in my home. He has slacked off of the drinking but at some point it does rear its ugly head and he drinks more than he should. I want better. I want a real relationship and I want a partner who is actually in the moment. When I try to break it off with him he tells me he loves me, and I want to believe him because I do love him. But I am not so sure this is what I want long term. I am 47 almost 48 and he is 38 going on 39. I feel like my time is limited (because of my age) and I don't want to waste anymore unnecessary time. Am I wasting my time or is there hope? And, if not, how do I end things once and for all?
-Holding out but not for long
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on September 13, 2019:
@sjon,
You can only speak your truth. Tell him you love him and you are willing to help heal the past and forgive mistakes. Let him know you are willing to work on those things that have been a problem.
Beyond that, you can't control anyone but yourself. If he wants to work things out, he will let you know. You can't make him do anything. You can learn from your own mistakes and choose differently in the future.
Namaste
sjon on September 09, 2019:
i really love my husband we been separated 3 years and I want him back but he hates me for the wrong reasons, things we should have done in the beginning as a couple, but did not has now turned into a nightmare and I just want him back to show him that all I really wanted was to love him only and build a home with him, that's why I married him. he is mad at me for wrongs we both did, but I feel we can fix our mistakes and forgive and forget the past and work it out. I pray to God everyday to have him back, because of who I know he is. and he will love me again if given the chance. I really Love him and only him and I committed myself to this through Gods eyes. Please tell me how can I get to tell him and have him back asap?
Always devoted on August 31, 2019:
My husband and I have been married almost two years, we have had our ups and downs as all relationships do. We dont have a lot of money right now and things are really stressful. All I want to do is run errands together just us the the baby, he feels that I shouldn't want to always do that with him. He gets mad and mean sometimes. We just had an argument about this. Our son has a small cold and wejeed to do laundry as we do not have washing machine and dryer, also get a few things from the store, he makes it out as this big hard thing to always do. He doesn't understand why I always want to run errands with him. I don't really know how to explain myself. I just love getting out of the house with my family even if it is to the laundry mat and store. Am I wrong for this? How should I explain to him? I'm hurt
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on August 11, 2019:
Preggy956210, Before doing anything drastic, I'd suggest talking openly and honestly with your husband.
Find out what's going on for him and see if there is a way for the two of you to work through these issues together.
I understand your fear, and your feelings of abandonment. It would be good for the two of you to find a way to communicate openly and honestly about how to best heal your marriage.
If you can't reach a solution, I'd suggest professional counseling.
I wish you all the best.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on August 11, 2019:
Rayzn,
Thank you for sharing your opinion. I am pleased to hear that you and your wife are in counseling and receiving a positive benefit.
I appreciate your feedback.
Namaste
preggy956210 on August 10, 2019:
I am 2 months pregnant first time mommy, my husband works the refineries and came home due to a miscarriage scare I had, to help me emotionally physically and mentally.. However he's been home 2 weeks and is now leaving before I get out of bed and arriving home at 2 am...i am feeling alone and abandoned thinking about divorce... Any advice??? I feel so heartbroken...
Rayzn on August 06, 2019:
My wife and I have been going to therapy for quite some time individual and marriage counseling and what you’re saying gives women a false idea I don’t know if you are licensed or not but both of ours have PhD’s and are AMAZING. What you’re saying does not sound like what a marriage should be and not what we have been told at all I don’t think that you quite understand where men come from and you get a very false idea on what your dream marriage should be this article is spreading information that women want to hear instead of actually getting down to the root of problems you are just causing more with articles such as this
Sad. on July 26, 2019:
I read this article and absolutely broke down into tears. Everything this article points out is basically him at this point in our relationship. We have been together for almost 10 years and have 2 kids, and he comes home from work and refuses to talk or communicate or engage with the kids and I. I try to understand that he comes home tired but the constant neglect, him telling me that I am just nagging and telling me I am the one treating him like garbage is breaking me down. I feel lonely and I am feeling depressed.
Yumna on July 22, 2019:
Omg this what's going on I'm my married life is heavy days....we married 2years and were together for another 2 makes it 4 years together...we have 2 kids at first everything is going on bored....for a while nw things went side ways he leaves in the morning and comes 11 oclock side yes...he doesn't see me hole day and he would ignore me most of the times we comes moody....I tried a lot of times we don't speak about our problems so what do u think.....is he seeing someone else honestly we still sleep with each other on I don't know
Alone. on July 20, 2019:
My husband spends most of his time away from me. Always working late, never spent a whole day with me. I even took a loan to clear his expenses. What am i doing? I feel like am just here for his needs. I have tried talking to him about it but he doesn't get it
Sarah Joy on July 15, 2019:
If I could get my husband to read this article that would be amazing. If I could get him to read it and actually listen to it, I might have some hope. We've been married 12 years and every attempt I've made to discuss our issues is met with defensiveness, denial, sarcasm, or stonewalling. Or false promises to "do better." We have 2 kids and I'm sitting here wanting a divorce, but avoiding it because I know it will cause them pain... but I also know that watching an unhealthy marriage is also causing them pain (future pain, if not now pain).
He's a stay at home dad who doesn't do any of the house work (kids are 7 and 9, not talking baby time here). He shows nearly no affection but wants (and mostly gets) sex on the regular. He complains about my attitude about sex, because he doesn't want me to feel like I'm 'giving him' sex, but it's difficult to feel like it's 'making love' when there's no love shown from him to me. The other night we'd taken a red eye home and later he wanted sex. I said I wasn't feeling up for it because I was tired, but that he was welcome to try to persuade me. His answer was to get snarky with me and go to sleep.
Sorry for the vent fest. It's an excellent article and I'm apparently feeling sorry for myself.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on July 08, 2019:
Mir,
I'm sorry to hear you've had difficulty in your marriage so far.
I'd suggest you open up to your wife. Let her know how much she means to you, and how much you love her.
Is it possible for the two of you to spend more time together? Long distance marriages are difficult at best, and it's hard to fix what is wrong if you can't look into each other's eyes and hug them at the end of the day.
I wish you all the best. Be sure to be open and honest with your wife.
Namaste
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on July 08, 2019:
Tiffany,
Thank you for reading and commenting on my article. I am humbled and honored that you see my heart, through this article.
My heart is that couples will find ways to work through their different communication styles and make their marriages stronger.
You are not alone! Marriage is work and together we can make our relationships stronger.
Namaste
Mir on July 08, 2019:
Me and my wife has just married but my wife lives abroad. We had a week together and our experience was not good cause my wife say i rush and very emotional. My wife used to lovd me very much before marriage and after marriage we argue a lot and she dont say but her actions show she dont love me now and she communicate very less. When i ask her she say we are ok but i feel there is no love left. What i did was due to my nervousness. I love my wife a lot and it stresses me a lot that our bond has actually weakened after marriage. It has been 3 months since we married. I lt saddens me that she dont open up. What i should do i cant even ask openely cause when i say something she say i overthink and nothing is wrong but i know she is not the same. Please help me guide me what to do?
Tiffany Lowe on July 07, 2019:
This is a beautiful piece!!! This is my heart desire wow!! I LOVE MY HUSBAND ❤️ we've 7 years married going on 8 years this August!! Thank you for this opportunity to read everyone comments this TRULY bless me because I'm not alone in this marriage life.....I pray that Jesus will see us Through!!!! Remember all things work together.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on July 05, 2019:
Ash, Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment on my article.
Namaste
AshWitcombe on July 04, 2019:
It's not too often I bookmark an article. Really good read, thank you.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on July 04, 2019:
Well, that's an interesting dilemma.
I guess I'd be concerned if my man left for ten days without any word.
I would definitely look for more information.
Namaste
Chinni on June 30, 2019:
My husband leaves my 1 year boy and me before 6 months back. He went America. I tried to call with the help of his friends and colleagues. But he wants extra dowry and money. My dad doesn't have enough money. Next, l went women police station. But still my problem doesn't solve. Cops said your husband is out of country. We can't help. My mother-in-law creating too much rumors. Now I'm staying with my parents. Whatever it happens it happened we want live together for my kid. So, what to do. Can you suggest please.
Stepanie holmes on June 27, 2019:
My husband left for 10 days no wherabouts came home w/ pube hairs shaved. When i saw he said he did for me
What do you girls think.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on June 13, 2019:
I'm so sorry to hear about your difficult situation.
Only you can decide whether to stay or go. No one can make that decision for you.
If your husband is abusive, then he likely won't change, especially after 13 years. If he is abusive toward you, then perhaps you might consider leaving, or at least protecting yourself.
Have you had an open, honest conversation with him about your concerns and your sexual needs? Maybe he doesn't realize that you are unsatisfied.
The truth is, he can't fix what he doesn't know is broken. If you have suffered in silence, then he probably thinks everything is fine. If you fight and argue, but continue to stay, then he figures you're just complaining. Same thing with ultimatums. If you issue ultimatums but fail to follow through, then he probably sees you as making empty threats.
You can only change yourself. Have an honest conversation with him. Maybe look into professional counseling, to help you get back your esteem and self worth. Finally, decide what you truly want.
I wish you all the best,
Namaste
Amethyst Lover on June 09, 2019:
My mother passed away in March of this year and since my husband is a jerk. He's not coming home til late, won't tell me where he is, spending our savings. I bought him a cell phone to keep in touch and he rarely calls me and yells when I repeatedly call him when he doesn't respond to calls or texts. I suffer from OCD and Depression and it's like he enjoys sending me off the deep end. He tells me he is on his way home and shows up 6 hours later. We live pay to pay and I just discovered he took over $500 out to spend on himself. He has sex, he has orgasms, me I'm the blow up doll. He won't help me release my sexual frustration. Due to my back and pain problems sex is difficult but 13 years is a long time to go without. I can orgasm alone, but so want to share that with my husband. I've thought about leaving but I do love him and would be lost without him but how do I know when enough is enough.? My family hate him. they say he is abusive and that I deserve to be treated better. My Mother threatened to haunt him if she finds out he treats me as bad as she suspected. I haven't shared with them anything they have enough suspicions of their own. I have no family in town and only have my daughter and grandson.
HW on June 08, 2019:
I recently experienced something awful with my husband. He went to his ex-wives house to pick up their son. He accidentally FaceTimed me and I heard their entire conversation. They were talking about sex and he told her to slow down. She replied “we haven’t had sex for a while” and went on taking about some guy she tried to have sex with. The last thing I heard was my husband saying, “Just have it ready when I get back”. He said to me that he was just talking stupid, and denies wanting to have sex with her. He says he would never defile our marriage bed. I am physically and emotionally sick. I don’t know what to do. He offers no explanation as to why he said it We have been married for almost two years.
Tipz on June 08, 2019:
My husband hides his phone and app with password . And he has chqnged alot after marrying. And also he always tries to show my bad side and he appriciates her best freinds wife. And he never expect a baby from me or he doesnt need to build future with me.and also he never said about my beauty after marrying
Gheup on April 27, 2019:
Hi,i have lived with my husband for 10yrs.He has another wife outside marriage who owns him completely.he works in kisii town and i work in the village.whenever he is at home the wife calls even at 12am.sometimes he goes out to pick the calls and have been keeping quite.yesterday the lady started writting sms of all the fun they have been having together.telling me that the man has been leaving me in the house going to sleep with her.am hurt what can i do?
Azeez on April 18, 2019:
Hi Deborah.
Thank you for the great tips. I will introspect myself and fix my issues. No matter what, a marriage only blooms with teamwork. And I love my wife no matter what. Ill always be her MVP. If there are issues, someone has to start to resolve them. These tips help us men to double-check anything we could correct from our side.
Salaams and Best regards,
Azeez
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on April 12, 2019:
Hi Lou,
Thanks for the great question. Yes, I did write an article about the ten things women do to mess up their relationships. Fair is fair. We all contribute to the problems. The reason I wrote two different articles is because men and women behave differently in relationship and use different tactics. Two different approaches.
Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
Namaste
Lou on April 09, 2019:
A very decent read. I believe most points are fair and valid. Its seems unfair to just hammer away at the man and make it mostly / pointedly his fault. At times feels like I'm having a leftist feminist blame men for most of the issues like we are all failing to see we suffer from "toxic masculinity." May i ask, if its fair to have such an inquiry. Is there a 10 reason for the woman fails the marriage? Or does that seem like Im just the guilty failed husband?
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on March 05, 2019:
Cornelia,
I am sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, abuse rarely ends. Maybe it is time for you to take care of yourself.
I wish you the best.
Namaste
cornelia dawson on March 04, 2019:
a man married me in june 2018 and is the wore thing I have ever done he verbally abuse me with is mouth he is from the us am from Jamaica
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on February 16, 2019:
RhiannonBII,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. And you are absolutely right. Abuse never stops. I was in an abusive marriage for nearly twenty years, before I found the courage to escape.
It was the best thing I ever did for myself and my children. And also the hardest thing I have ever done.
We cannot let other people destroy our lives.
I wish you all the best.
Namaste
RhiannonBII on February 15, 2019:
While I agree with most of this. And I totally commend you for writing this; I do. It needed to be said. It should be noted that men of the #9 issue will seek women of the #10 issue because they know those women are the only ones they can get away with abusing. The women who have issues already are easy targets for the drunks, liars, and cheaters. They have a finite source to point their shame finger at when they themselves behave badly. 'Look at her. I love her so much. She is doing this to me. She makes me this way'. I was one of those women. I had a fantastic job as a biochemist for the government. I had my own home. I was about to open my dream business. My husband found out I took one anti-depressant (Lexapro) for PTSD and every time he got drunk and violent he blamed me and my 'psychotic personality disorders' for him destroying my home, my face, and even his job. It's 11 years later and HE just started an anti-depressant. The abuse never stops. Words to the wise.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on January 20, 2019:
@Tx
Thanks
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on January 20, 2019:
@John, it seems as though you and your partner have probably endured many years of mutual unhappiness.
I think it was Emerson who said something like, Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.
I'm so sorry for your condition and I wish you all the best. It's never too late to change.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on January 20, 2019:
@johanSmulders,
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I agree, relationships are tons of work, but definitely worth it.
Tx on January 20, 2019:
Good read
John on January 18, 2019:
Well I'm a married guy and nothing will change my opinion! I'm who I'm and Im to old to change my life. Married 50 plus years and to put it honestly I regret ever getting married. Marriage was a waste of time and money and energy. We were like renters always passing in the hall way and never stopping. I was very happy on how my life went, I was never interested in intimacy nor sex. I never had a desire for any one male or female.
Nicholas on January 13, 2019:
Very helpful thank you
Johan Smulders from East London, South Africa on January 10, 2019:
An excellent article that deals clearly with the problem many women face, lack of respect and attention. In our modern world many men and women also have been spoilt and believe that they are entitled to happiness as some gift. Marriage/relationships need a lot of work. Nothing in life comes without cost and effort.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on December 27, 2018:
@Joy,
Thanks for sharing your opinion. I appreciate you taking the time to comment on my article.
Best wishes
Joy on December 25, 2018:
Lady your talking a load of shit! Women being like xmas lights, unable to function properly, lord where did you get this load o crap from??!!.
Grow up and open your eyes to real life before you go around giving people advice about stuff you obviously have no idea about.
Alina on December 16, 2018:
Loads of hogwash!!!
Dont get married, its an out dated unnecessary model from the past century. Stay independant and enjoy your life!!!!!
And be a wise women, keep away from partner ship and marriage, saves you from a lot of pain and despair!!!! Just read the posts bellow and youl know Im right!
Chris on November 29, 2018:
My huband does not respect me. I dont need love and too much intimacy scares me but I need him to accept the person I am and to respect me as I am. This he does not do and I hate it. We have been together for 25 years, Im a hard working Engineer in the field of geology, I make more than him. I never loved or love him but I respect him and take him as he is, he never did this to me. We have a son (16 years) whom I love to death and who is my sunshine. How can I tell him I need him to respect me as the person I am and that I dont need his love but his respect!
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on November 07, 2018:
@John Hansen, Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this article. I appreciate your insight.
Namaste
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on November 07, 2018:
@Reg Rees,
I appreciate you taking the time to read the article and comment on it.
I think it takes two committed people to make a relationship work, which is why I also have an article about the things women do to destroy relationships. We all have our stuff.
Wishing you all the best,
Namaste
John Hansen from Gondwana Land on November 07, 2018:
A very good article full of excellent advice. All married men need to read this.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on October 29, 2018:
Norma,
I'm sorry for your experience. You do not deserve to be treated poorly and lied to. Maintain your dignity, hold your head high and know that you are beautiful.
Namaste
Norma on October 23, 2018:
Well, my life is falling apart the same thing as always i was a great woman to this man jose mendez. He was very handsome , now he is ugly and his attitude made him uglier in my eyes . He lied all trough our marriage and stiil is. A 47 year old man trying to impress i dont know who , because is not me, im sure of that. Anyway i will divorce he is not worth my time and im a beautiful woman. So i can go bymyself and my two grown children. I dont need this rat.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on October 15, 2018:
@Emmyboy,
You aren't married yet, and you are wise to be concerned! Marriage is not easy. It takes work, commitment and energy from both people. We all need lots of attention, men do too. There's nothing wrong with that. As partners, we give each other what we need.
Namaste
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on October 15, 2018:
@Mrs. Waseem,
Perhaps your husband is unable to contact you for some reason outside his control. Don't internalize his lack of communication. If you have a strong marriage, don't think he is ignoring you. Relax. Breathe. All will be well.
Emmyboy from Nigeria on October 15, 2018:
Hmm...
I am not married but I am already getting scared.
Why?
Of course, it seems women do need a lot of attention from their men.
A lot of attention!
Only God knows if I will be able to provide that for her!
Mrs. Waseem on October 12, 2018:
My husband is abroad. From two weeks ago he is not calling me nor having video chat with me. We were having conflicts when he was here but those all mattera settled down. Now he is ignoring me I tried to ask him that why he is doing this but he did not answer. I m in great tension
betsy on October 04, 2018:
i agree with the last, start with the RIGHT partner! marriage is completely hard and near impossible with the wrong partner, so give yourself a chance and pick the right person for the right reaasons
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on August 31, 2018:
@plm 1962,
It sounds as though you went through hell and back. I'm glad you've come out the other side, hopefully with most of your sanity intact. It sounds as though you are an intelligent woman who makes pretty good decisions. I wish you all the best as you get on with the rest of your life. Keep me posted on how things go for you. I can't wait to see your flourish the way you deserve.
All my best,
Namaste
plm1962 on August 27, 2018:
Thank you for your article. so much of it "hit home for me"
I divorced my husband for so many reasons and most of them you listed. I was married for 13.5 years. He had nothing at age 28 coming into our relationship, and I was educated with a decent salary. It wasn't until after our divorce that I truly saw him with open eyes. He was a minimalist. worked M-F 7-3, he refused extra shifts and OT. But I would sometimes work my 40 hours and then an additional 24 on the weekend. We had expensive tastes, and I thought work hard, play hard. He liked the money that I made and great cruises, timeshares, cars, homes, fancy parties. He lost his job on my 50th birthday, and let me continue to do it all for the 10 months. I begged him to find work, I was angry that I was doing it all, while he sat around drinking beer, smoking weed, playing on his computer and watching TV. We finally decided to move to a different state, for a fresh start. He did find a job that was commission only, and was fired after 8 months, because he did not bring in any money. I in the mean time was still doing it all. So now he is down 2 jobs in 1 1/2 years. I told him he had three months to find work, or he could move on, and he found a great job. We moved from an apartment to house, (we even bought this house at a clothing optional resort), The next thing you know (I was still working my butt off) and he was cheating on me. He justified it by saying "I was doing you a favor, with menopause and all" ???. then one day the police served me with a search warrant and arrested him for viewing, sharing and saving child pornography. You know he lost that new great job after 18 months (job #3 - 3 1/2 years). He is now in prison for 12 years (plea deal). and he is angry with me that I am not waiting for him. and he is threatening me with extortion if I don't leave him a bank account with 50K in it for when he gets out.
The sex was nothing special, and I did try, he has no imagination, he cannot role play, he is lazy, I felt taken advantage of, I felt used. He is arrogant, narcissistic, and felt like he was above the law.
I put this on here, because it heals me to read and talk about it, but for your readers, please try hard, a man should give his wife 100% and the wife should give her husband 100%.
I started my life all over the day he went to prison.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on August 26, 2018:
Gazelle,
The best you can do is decide for yourself what you want in life. If you want to stay with your husband, then you know what you're in for. Create your own life, outside a need for having him around. Do things you like, go places you enjoy, and live a life that fills meaningful for you.
If you don't want to be with him any longer, my advice is the same. Create a life that you love.
I wish you all the best.
Namaste
Gazelle on August 23, 2018:
My husband like spending his time outside like going to work very early and coming back late at night when he comes back he sleeps and Wake up the next day following the same pattern from Mondays-fridays even on weekends he must find places to go and still come back late. Am tried plz what can l do?
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on August 13, 2018:
That sounds like a deep, complex problem. I wish you all the best with your partner.
Hope you can keep your own sanity and perspective.
Cally on August 13, 2018:
I am not going to say my husband was lazy, drank or used drugs, I am going to say he hated the social order we lived in and wanted to bring it to it's knees before trying to work within their boundries over Time Off work he had earned, over the choice of job and shift again as he had earned, and have the holidays off as he also had earned through UAW seniority. It was bad enough trying to get him to not use that seniority that in 1987 Because I did not keep a promise about being a willing sex partner and travel companion wherever, however, and when ever he wanted his vacation after getting hinm to back off a Trip To Rome to let a Younger Seniority couple go to get married.
It was when we came back He was planning to head out on a western road trip just as soon as he shoved everyone else out of his van and he was not going to listen to our suggestion for alternative times and placed in January and Force the change of plans to hundreds of lesser seniority because he did not want to wait six more months, and let Us try and come up with something for him In January. Well That was the start of a local Court Judge holding him to task over time off the next 13 years and At the end of those years when we had to have him Jailed and taken to work instead of take the millinial down weeks, We came back to a situation that because he had not had a day off in 18 years, and would not accept our decisions about it he started making everyones life as painful as possible because he just would not consider the alternantives that were offered by November 2001 His fathers best friend was the county coimmisiuoneer and his son wanted a job and shift my husband decided he wanted he had 214more years seniority thanj that group One was a City Councilman And two other of those young men had influencial fathers in the county and I was on My knees begging him to remove his bid and talk to his Ex Millitary friends about taking theirs down so the younger men could have that new department. I was promising the sex life I had witheld trying to get him to willingly cooperate, I told Him We could Take a vacation starting that week and I would not say a thing if he took the coming holidays, I said I just want to have our life in Peace instead of the constant war between me and him and the community, He destroyed tho0se younger men that next morning for laying there hands on him to force him to remove his bid, He left them as critical care partients in our front yard. He also kicked the front door and frame in on top of me and swore if I tried to get him hurt again I was going to die on the spot. Things ended for me trying to keep the peace in 2013 when he decided after 31 years I was going to be the wife he wanted and he Raped me over it as I begged to just try and be nice about that evening he did not have to kick everyone in the teeth over rights we could try and figure out solutions, HIs solution was we had nothing more to say about any thing in his life.
Deborah Demander (author) from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on August 04, 2018:
Thank You!
enock on August 02, 2018:
helpfull
