Top 10 Ways Men Destroy Their Marriage

Updated on June 16, 2016
Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah is a writer, healer, and teacher. Her goal is to help people live their best lives everyday by sharing her joy and love of life.

Neglected Wife Symptoms—Ways Husbands Destroy Their Marriages

It is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. So, while this list below may seen daunting, always remember that. If life is stressful, then work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek the things that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.

Also, while both the husband and wife should take responsibility for their part in a marriage, below are ten mistakes common to men. Read on to learn about the behaviors of men which can completely destroy a marriage.

1. Leaving Her Alone

One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to leave your wife alone. This means things like spending long hours at work and following it up by a beer or several afterward with the guys. Then, when you get home, you don't engage her or your children. Instead, you lose yourself in baseball or computer poker. Also, on the weekends, you'll complain about the messy house, then leave to run errands, and then you don't come back for several hours.

One of the most most miserable experiences for a wife is that feeling of isolation when her husband emotionally leaves the relationship. Yes, she has friends and a job. Yes, she spends a lot of time running the kids around and partaking in activities outside of her husband. It's not the same. Her desire is to spend time with you, the man she loves. To be left alone by her husband causes deep heartache for women. For most women, their largest fears boil down to isolation and deprivation. When she feels abandoned by you, she attacks with hurtful and disrespectful behavior. Her ability to verbally hurt you is her strongest weapon, and she uses it out of fear in an effort to try to get your attention.

When a wife begins to nag because you never spend time at home, never hang out with her, and never engage with the kids, chances are she is feeling abandoned and isolated. When you stop spending time together, the emotional distance between you two grows quickly.

Leaving your wife alone or not paying enough attention to her could create more distance than you realize.
Leaving your wife alone or not paying enough attention to her could create more distance than you realize.

2. Not Getting Close Enough

Your wife feels energized when she feels close to you. Refusing to let her know you is destructive to her and your marriage. While you strive to keep your independence, she longs to connect with you. It is not fair to either of you if you are only affectionate and attentive on the days you want sex or something from her. Affection and closeness ought to be an end in themselves, not a means to a different end.

Talking is not the only way women feel close, although it is an important one. Simple ways to fulfill your wife in this area are to hug her often, hold her hand, and to spend some time alone with her. When her need for closeness is met, she will be more inclined to respect your need for independence. When your wife feels close to you, she will also be more willing to engage with you on a more intimate, sexual level.

The important thing to remember is to help her feel connected. Try talking to her about your day, your fears, hopes, and dreams. Hold her hand when you go out together. Kiss her unexpectedly in the kitchen while she makes dinner. Sit next to her. Ask her how she is doing, and for a few minutes, give her your undivided attention while she answers. A little bit will go a long way and mean everything to her and, in turn, your marriage.

2.5. Closing Yourself Off to Her

Women exist as an integrated circuit. The mind, body, and soul are closely linked — so, hurt feelings affect the entire system. A wife whose spirit is crushed may suffer from fatigue and confusion. Like a strand of Christmas lights — when one light goes out, they all go dark. Men compartmentalize. If one light goes out on his strand, all the other lights function properly, unaffected. Men are able to fully function when one area of their lives is not working properly.

Your wife does not understand the closed-off and mysterious way you operate. Things don't seem to bother you. You never want to talk to her. She knows you are stressed about work, yet you don't show it or express that further to her. She wonders how you can even function. Your wife is not trying to pry or sneak her way into no-man's land. She simply wants you to be open. She wants to truly see you. She feels loved when you share your fears, worries, and troubles. She wants to be that person for you and committed to being so when you got married. She won't try to fix you. She will listen.

Try talking to her about what is going on in your life. Women like to vent, without seeking a solution, and she wants to give you the freedom to share yourself verbally.

Men: don't compartmentalize. Tell your wife what is going on.
Men: don't compartmentalize. Tell your wife what is going on.

3. Always Trying to "Fix" Her

Even when she doesn't always say it, your wife sees you as her strength. As the bearer of her burdens. When she comes to you for help to lighten the load from the weight of her world, it is a compliment. She knows you can handle it.

Rather than trying to resolve and repair every issue, however, try to just listen to her. You might even ask if she needs a solution or just an ear. It will be a relief for both of you when you realize that sometimes you don't have to fix all the problems. Furthermore, when you listen, she will feel like you understand her (even if you don't, which is okay).

4. Never Saying "I'm Sorry."

All marriages have conflict. The refusal to apologize is a quick way to destroy yours. While conflict is not a pleasant thing, growth and closeness can increase as conflict is resolved. For your wife, an apology means she has moved forward through the conflict, and she is now seeking peace.

Many husbands see apologizing as a sure sign of weakness. They think, "If I apologize, she won't respect me." On the contrary, if you humbly apologize and ask her forgiveness, your wife will be putty in your hands. Your small act of contrition soothes her spirit, and acts as a healing balm over her heart. Furthermore, it shows that you're open and willing to make things work, that you care enough to admit to your faults and move past and through them.

5. Taking Her Insecurities Too Lightly

Your wife knows she is highly committed to you. When she sees you looking at other women, in the mall, on TV, on the computer, and in other places, she fears that you may be unfaithful and at the very least, it may make her uncomfortable and question your attraction to them, especially if she is solely just looking at you. Regardless, she is insecure and needs your reassurance, not any belittling, joking, or teasing. These activities all devalues her feelings, which are real. When you stare at a cute young thing as she saunters by, it may be a reminder to your wife of her many imperfections. She feels insecure because she wants to know that you still love her and you looking at other women may not be so reassuring of that. It's okay for you to look at other women, in fact, it's perfectly natural. The danger is when you are blatant and aggressive, disregarding your wife's feelings and staring in spite of her discomfort.

Your wife is motivated by your love and loyalty. She has committed her life to you, and wants to feel secure in the fact that you are equally committed to her. A big symbol of your loyalty to your wife is a wedding ring. For a woman, this is a sign of your fidelity. A married man without a ring seems to be trying to hide something. This requires very little effort, if any, on your part to reassure your wife in this way, and yet it would mean the world to her. Her peace of mind ought to be worth the cost of an inexpensive, outward expression of your fidelity. You have nothing to hide. A ring is a simple, outward expression of your devotion to your wife and to your marriage. This small gesture can have deep impact.

When your wife feels insecure, she may ask if you still think she is pretty. She may ask if you love her. She may ask if you think someone else is more attractive. This is not a trap. She feels she is moving toward you, by asking a question and starting a conversation. Talking is how women feel close. She is seeking your assurance of love and loyalty. Rather than make light of the moment, look at her. No, really look at her. Tell her she is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. Give her the assurance she seeks, and ease her troubled mind.

6. Ignoring the Importance of Simple Gestures

Your wife does not require fancy jewelry or expensive meals. Granted, those things are nice, and you like to treat your wife. However, it isn't always necessary.

She feels most loved by the small tokens of your love and appreciation. When you neglect the small things, it may feel to her like you are trying to buy her affection — or ease your own guilt — with the big things. Let your wife know that she is on your mind during the day. A single rose when you walk in the door speaks volumes to her language of love. Give her a call or send her a text during the day to let her know you are thinking of her. Offer to help with dinner, or wash the dishes. These are small gifts of your time that mean the world to your wife.

For your wife, the most important days of the year are her birthday and the day she married you. Celebrate these days by spending time with just her. It will mean more than any expensive gift ever could. The cost of the gift is secondary to the thought you put into it. She wants to feel special and important to you. The way to help her feel loved is to spend time with her alone. Even if you sit home and watch a movie, give her your undivided attention.

A simple gesture like a nice cake on your wife's birthday (or any day, if she's a fan of sweets) can do more than you realize.
A simple gesture like a nice cake on your wife's birthday (or any day, if she's a fan of sweets) can do more than you realize.

7. Taking All the Fun Out of Sex

When you confuse sex with intimacy, it's no fun. When you only focus on your own orgasm, it's no fun. When you only show interest in your wife when you want to get lucky, it's no fun. When you devalue the depth of your sexual relationship with crude jokes and pornography, it's no fun. When you expect her to get excited instantly, it's no fun. When you neglect your wife's sexual needs, it's no fun.

When you are married, sex is supposed to be fun.

An intimate sharing, designed to bring you closer, sex should cement the bond between you. For example, think of your wife as a crockpot. Meanwhile, in this comparison, you are a microwave. Put a meal in a microwave, and you are eating within three minutes. A crockpot meal takes a lot of forethought. You need the proper ingredients. You have to put everything together, turn it on, and wait. Six or eight hours later, you enjoy a delicious meal. Your wife needs the same thoughtful consideration. Start in the morning with a kiss. Tell her she's beautiful. Women never get tired of hearing that from the man they love. Help get the kids ready for school. After work, ask about her day.

Slow, slow, slow. If you want to bring the fun back into sex, think crockpot, not microwave. You can microwave in the shower (not literally, obviously).

8. Getting Lost in Bitterness and Anger

When you shut your wife out to brood in your despair, it fills her with fear. Women like to talk things out. Men like to shut things out. When you feel stressed about work, about money, about your relationship, you turn inward. This provokes your wife's fear of abandonment and rejection.

She thinks you don't love her when you refuse to speak. This fear, and her desire to resolve conflict, cause your wife to pursue you. She wants to talk it out, not to belittle or demean you, but to feel closer. She wants you to trust her, so she can trust you. She follows you around, asking if everything is alright. You run away from her and avoid wanting to discuss what is bothering you. She knows something is wrong, and she begins to assume that she is the problem.

You can stop this train wreck before it happens by opening up to your wife. She loves you. You can trust her. Share your real feelings with her, and she will open her heart to you.

9. Not Taking Responsibility

Whether it's an addiction, an affair or poor performance in your life, many times, husbands point to their wives as the reason for their weakness. "She makes me drink because of her nagging. I cheated because she wouldn't take care of me. I'm doing poorly because she never encourages me."

It's time to take full responsibility for your own behavior. You need to take ownership of your actions. You choose to drink. You choose to cheat. You choose to work or not work. You actively do all these things on your own. Rather than blaming someone or something else, stand up and take control. Make your life reflect the values you desire. Your life is completely under your control. Today, you can choose differently. You can create exactly the life you want. Furthermore, if your wife really is the root of all the problems in your life, then take control of that as well and man up and tell her the truth. She can't change if you aren't willing to express the problem.

If you have an addiction or problem, don't always blame your wife.
If you have an addiction or problem, don't always blame your wife.

10. Picking the Wrong Woman. Again.

A woman in distress, who just moves from crisis to crisis, will continue to be in distress after you marry her. A nitpicking woman who criticizes your every decision will continue to nitpick. A control freak always wants control, even after the wedding. The bottom line is: if she is the wrong woman before the marriage, she'll be the wrong woman when and after you get married.

If you want a nice wife, then date a nice woman and marry her. Treat her with love and respect and she will return the kindness. Trying to rescue a woman in distress will only lead you to feel used and unappreciated. A strong marriage begins with a good-willed woman and a good-willed man. It flourishes as you both grow in love and respect toward each other.

Choosing the wrong woman sets you up for failure every time. Although you might like the feeling of being a knight in shining armor rescuing a damsel in distress, the reality of being married is much harder and much less idealistic. Marriage takes work, from both the husband and the wife. When both are committed to making the marriage a good experience, then it has a better chance of succeeding.

Work on Yourself

While this list may seem daunting, it is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. If life is stressful, work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek those thing that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.

Video: Love and Respect

Questions & Answers

  • My wife and I have been having a difficult time lately. We've been distant and busy and I feel like we don't really click anymore. Lately I have been feeling resentment towards her to me it seems she is lazy and a tad bit irresponsible when deep down I know she's not. I guess what I'm asking is what can I do to become closer with my wife and let her know that I do love her and I want to feel closer to her?

    It's hard to connect when life gets in the way. Then, when resentment builds, the walls grow taller and thicker. My suggestion is that you begin with gratitude. Remind yourself of all the things she does in your relationship. Then, take the time to thank her for what she does. Send her a card. Write her a note. Tell her to her face how much you appreciate what she does. Take some time for yourselves. Life is busy, but at the end of the day, find some time to connect. Face to face. Tell her you love her. Make the first move toward connection, and don't lose heart if it takes some time. It may be difficult to undo what neglect has created.

  • What should I do when my husband neglects and avoids me? We have a 9-year-old son. He is always busy with his works and is not interested in me and almost ten years have passed.

    I'm sorry to hear that. The best thing I can suggest is to offer love instead of your fear. When he comes home, hug him and ask about his day. Act interested in his life. Create your own life outside of him and your relationship. Do things to make your own life better while he is at work. Above all, always respond with love.

  • What if I choose the wrong wife? I feel like I can be myself around her. She's mean and wants everything to be about treating her right, but it's verbally and physically abusive because she thinks I'm stupid and I don't treat her the way she thinks I should treat her.

    What if you chose the wrong wife? Well, you can always choose to see things differently. You chose her. What did she bring to the relationship that met your needs? Perhaps you can choose to see her differently. Perhaps you can see yourself as not a victim of your relationship. You are in control of your life. You know, in your heart, whether this is a good thing for you or not. Do the right thing.

  • My wife had 3 of our kids and womanly issues every since the loss of hormones & shes anemic etc we've been dealing with her issues for years & shes tired & down I lift her up but she feels shes lost all her lady parts. Shes not horny anymore & I'm sexually frustrated what should I do?

    Sorry to hear about your trouble. I'd suggest gently and honestly speaking to your wife about your concerns. She probably doesn't feel attracted to you anymore, and she may be worried about you leaving her. Talk to her. Be honest. Be compassionate about her troubles, but be honest about your own struggles. Look for ways to bring the passion back to your marriage.

  • How can I bring an emotional connection to my marriage?

    You build an emotional connection by showing up every day. Begin a conversation with your partner and really listen to the response. Do kind things for your partner. Show them that you care. In this way, you can rebuild an emotional connection.

    Namaste

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    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 weeks ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Merv,

      I didn't see the end of your question. But why? Why do you argue? Don't engage.

      Just because someone tries to argue doesn't mean you need to respond.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      A nony mouse 

      3 weeks ago

      CJ

      sorry that your marriage ended. If your wife does have contact, perhaps, say that although you know you are history, that you are truly sorry for your part in the break-up and that you wish her luck. You never know your luck, but either way, knowing what we do wrong in our relationships means that we have the tools to repair our relationships or have the knowledge to not repeat our mistakes in new relationships.

      Good luck

    • profile image

      A nony mouse 

      3 weeks ago

      Mayra,

      sorry that is tough, perhaps it needs to be explained to your husband that sex is better for women when they feel that they have a deep and loving connection with their partner. Without that, sex simply becomes another chore, like putting the bins out, done simply because of responsibility. Who the hell likes chores, his behaviour is sucking all the meaning out of sex for you.

    • profile image

      CJ. 

      3 weeks ago

      I wish my wife had showed me this and talked to me and explained how she felt, but she did not. I never stood a chance without her help. I loved her more than anything in the world and would have helped her through anything and stood by her till we were grey and old! I would have walked to the ends of the earth to save our marriage. Now all that has gone and the hurt is hard to bare. I will always love my wife even though I may never see her again. CJ.

    • profile image

      Anessa 

      5 weeks ago

      After crying a few times when read this I sat down with my sweet husband who I love dearly and read everything to him. I long for that loving connection we had a year ago. I have turned into that nagging nit picking wife trying to get attention. I've even managed to become physically ill. I used to be independent, strong willed, hard working and happy now I'm alone sad and in constant physical pain. I miss my husband. His distance from me is literally killing me. I understand the stress work and money but it's all he talks about, your analogy on the crock pot and microwave is spot on. I just want to thank you so much for taking the time to write it. I'm hoping that when I read it to him and him finally realizing I'm hurting so bad because I miss him he'll make an effort. Our talk after I read it, it led to him saying that he didnt realize how much I was going through and struggling with feeling alone. I know he loves me he's just a tough cookie but our marriage means the world to me. It's worth it to try to help him understand my silent struggles.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      5 weeks ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @mayra,

      I agree, that feeling used is not fun. Sexual intimacy should be satisfying and fulfilling for both parties. Maybe after being intimate, you could ask him to hold you for a while. It's important that he respond to your needs, just as you respond to his.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      5 weeks ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @andy, thanks for your interesting comments. Not everyone who marries wants to have children. Once you have made the commitment and gotten married, I think a goal for the relationship is to be peaceful and happy. Of course, this isn't the only goal, but aiming for peace and happiness is much more satisfying than planning on anger and strife. Children are not a necessary component of marriage.

      I appreciate your opinion and I agree that marriage can be a rewarding experience. It also takes work and commitment. Those things are not mutually exclusive to being peaceful and happy. Those are internal conditions that can be enhanced as one works through the challenges of being married.

      Wish you all the best,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Mayra 

      5 weeks ago

      Why is that every time my husband and I have sex after he just turns around and ingores me he had said communication is not important well for me it is I just want him to understand that sometimes I just want to feel love I want him to show me that he really cares not only when we have sex for me that's no fun I feel like I'm being used

    • profile image

      Andy 

      5 weeks ago

      Peace and happiness are the main goals of marriage ? How long have you been married? Kids? Not sure why two people would get married if this was the goal. I wanted a life partner to raise kids with, its hard, it’s work. It’s stressful, not peaceful. It’s ususall not happiness, it’s meaningful and rewarding. If you want peace and happiness people please look away from marriage, if you want meaning, commitment and all out war with yourself and your partner, welcome, and please check your ungrounded assumptions at the door, this is going to get tough and messy and might make you a better person if you can get over yourself.

    • profile image

      Lissa 

      5 weeks ago

      I have seen that my husband been ignoring me for the past few months and sometimes i get hurt coz i know the feeling and the luv which we always hve before seems to change.whenever i ask him to accompany me somewhere or even go for a walk like we use to do before,he seems to say something else.i feel like leaving him but i always think of my kids.he would rather say no to whatever i say but when someone else came and ask him to go wit them,he would surely get dress and leave.i have been thinking about it alot.sometimes i wonder maybe its JST be cause I'm useless to him coz I'm unemployed and he always look down on me.i kept this pain to myself and i couldn't share it to anyone.if we got into a fight,he always blame me for everything and so we slept separately always thin king if he could come up and say sorry but no.what can i do?should i leave him?am i the one to be blamed??

    • profile image

      Michelle 

      6 weeks ago

      I just had a birthday this week and like all other holidays my husband was gone. Hell hes gone all the time until time for bed to play poker, hang with friends , or whatever he wants. I am so tired of being lonely! To him none of his is a big deal to me it’s like I am in a competition I am so tired of the pain.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Jacky,

      There isn't much to go on. Being in business with your partner is a difficult situation. I've done that and it was hard. We brought our business problems into our marriage, and our marital problems into our business. Have you and he thought about getting some professional counseling?

      Wish you all the best,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Jacky 

      2 months ago

      Help me please. I'm into busness with my husband we don't discuss he takes decisions on his own.he reject every thing from my side

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Maria,

      Maybe the two of you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about your financial future. Make some goals, both short and long term. Write things down so there is no confusion. And then both of you live by what you agreed to.

      If he has OCD, then professional counseling is probably your best resource.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Tiff Wilson,

      I'm not sure what your question is, but if he's being deliberately mean, then call him out on it. Calmly and clearly tell him that his behavior is not acceptable. If you two are just bickering back and forth and being childish with each other, then you both need to grow up.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @ash,

      I agree, it's important for men (and women) to provide for the needs of their family. It's equally important not to hide behind the excuse that you're too tired, worked too hard, or don't have time to spend time with your family.

      In the end, its the relationship we nurture that are the most important things in our lives. Once the basic needs of food, shelter and clothing are met, I think spending time loving our families is more important than more stuff. But that's just my opinion.

      I know it takes a lot to support a family. I was a single mom of six kids for many years.

      And your family needs to let you know how much they appreciate and respect the hard work and time you invest to take care of them.

      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. Wish you all the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Tiff wilson 

      2 months ago

      What can I do ..i what to know to

    • profile image

      Tiff wilson 

      2 months ago

      I need help with my husband not being mean to me to every time to ..

    • profile image

      Tiff wilson 

      2 months ago

      Joe Wilson try to hurt my feeling every every time I don't like to go in my pass and my bab light to ..he try to make me sad to

    • profile image

      Erica 

      2 months ago

      I have been with my husband since I was a teenager. I spent my younger years clinging to him, i adored him, but only to be neglected and relentlessly put down. I never recieved compliments and my milestones were always celebrated alone. My tough days at work or stress with life and bills were not to be discussed with him as he would get angry. I worked my butt off to have what we had sometimes with no help.

      Now 20 years later he has gotten better, but my feelings toward him are bitter and my feelings have changed. We sit quietly together. I dont discuss my days, but I don't want to hear about his either, if there is opportunity to go out , im not devastated at him not wanting to be with me, we have different ideas on fun. I dont blame him for everything. But we seem to be coming to an end. Its very sad. Its almost like its too late to fix and I've stopped caring just when he finally started. Don't take your partner for granted is the life lesson.

    • profile image

      Ash Rentworth 

      2 months ago

      It always seems that biggest problem is the husband working too much. What's your advice if the husband NEEDS to work hard to put food on the table?

      I'm always willing to learn but it seems like the man working hard is rarely appreciated. I'm sure he'd like to spend more time at home with his wife and kids but sometimes it's not possible.

    • profile image

      Yolanda 

      3 months ago

      I wonder why my husband ain't spontaneous he isn't romantic he complaint when I touch him he said he isn't use to it we don't tongue kiss we don't cuddle he just has alot of complaints and it has push me away

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      3 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Linbryan,

      It sounds like you are in a difficult and painful position. Have you tried talking to him and his mother, and telling them how you feel? It's hard to stand up to bullies, but in the end, you'll have spoken your truth. Just calmly and clearly speak to them, and tell them that you can hear them, and that their unkind remarks are damaging to the family. Ask them what their intention is.

      No one gets married with the intention of divorce. It sometimes happens, and sometimes you can weather the storm. It's important to let your husband know how you feel, and ask him to speak kindly. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know how hard it is. My ex and his brother (who lived with us for about seven years) used to do the same thing to me. Speak up for yourself.

      I wish you all the best.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      3 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Sounds like you did exactly the right thing for you. I applaud your courage and strength. Getting a divorce is never easy.

      As far as Audrey is concerned, I think you're right. An ultimatum with the papers in hand is quite a different statement.

      Thanks for taking the time to write. I appreciate your insight.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Linbryan 

      3 months ago

      Hi! What if my husband has all of these. We' ve been together for 10 years and have 3 kids. I've seen signs of this behavior during our marriage but didn't make a big deal. Now that his mom is here and lives with us, my husband is showing his true colors. He's a workaholic, never spends time with me or the kids, has never put me first, never stood up for me. He badmouths me to his mom, relatives and friends. I think this is worse than cheating.He and his mom sit in the living room and talk about me while I'm in my bedroom and I can hear them. I'm staying for my kids, but I feel so lonely, sad and depressed. What should I do? Divorce is not what I had in mind when I decided to have kids. They are my everything but again I can't continue like this.

      Thanks!!

    • profile image

      A nony mouse 

      4 months ago

      In my case, yes we went to couples therapy and it helped me crystalise that tolerating the bad behaviour would not resolve the issues. So, when my ex walked out in pursuit of the other woman, I was quite relieved. Instead of chasing after him or begging or bending over backwards to please him; as he would have expected. I saw it as the opportunity to start divorce proceedings, didn't bother to issue any ultimatums. Just thought it might be a starting point for Audrey, so she could assert some boundaries in the relationship. You are right of course, it is no good issuing ultimatums unless you are prepared to act upon them. In this case, issuing an ultimatum with a divorce petition in hand is likely to result in a clear-cut answer; if it results in a breakup, then at the very least Audrey is not wasting her life with this guy and is then free to be alone or find someone more worthy of her.

      Regards from the UK

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      A nony mouse,

      I appreciate your response to Audrey. I would add, that if you give an ultimatum, you must be ready to follow it through to the bitter end.

      Wishing you both all the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      A nony mouse 

      4 months ago

      Dear Audrey,

      Your husband will sadly, continue to indulge in this behaviour, because in not tackling it head on you are enabling him to have his cake and eat it. Would advise that you go to couples therapy and tackle it. Tell him how it makes you feel and if you want an open relationship too, ask for one. See how he responds. If not you need to give him an ultimatum. If his behaviour is making you unhappy, state that and state that if he respected, valued you and loved you he would not want you to be unhappy. See how he responds to that.

      You need to tell him that his behaviour is not good enough and that if it continues you will either leave or take the view that what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander too.

      If he does continue then either move out or the next time find yourself a lover and move him in next time he disappears.

      Good luck.

    • profile image

      audrey 

      4 months ago

      hi my husband runs away all the time then he come home after 3days and i realy dnt no what to do pls help me

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Good day, Thank you for reading my article and taking the time to comment. As to your first point, I am not giving advice, but making observations. If people seek advice, they should receive it from a professional, which I am not, and do not claim to be. As to your second point, I have already written an article about how women destroy their relationships. Perhaps you would enjoy reading it. Best regards,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Writer response 

      4 months ago

      Great article since you are a writer. If you are going to give advice, I would also like to encourage you to be a certified counselor or psychologist to give credit to your article. Now, what would be great would be an article of how a woman destroys her relationship with her husband, etc... And how narcissistic women or men create reasons to justify their dilemmas. When exactly will that style article be available?

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Good morning Sue, thank you for taking the time to read my article and comment.

      I completely understand your dilemma. I grew up in an alcoholic household, then married an alcoholic who told me he had a problem in the past. Turned out, the past was pretty recent. We stayed married six years, until I couldn't take his lies and drinking.

      Now, I am once again married to an alcoholic. What I am learning this time around is this: I can only control myself. I cannot control or change him. I love him a great deal, and I want to grow old with my husband. I alone can decide what I will put up with and what is unacceptable. The same goes for you. You can't make him change. You can't make him stop, no matter how much it hurts. It's not a question of whether or not he loves you. You can't make it about yourself. Only he can decide when he's had enough. You can only decide what you will take. You can only decide what you will put up with. If he never stops drinking again, can you live with that? That is the truth of the disease. They have no control. We have no control. You can choose to leave, or choose to stay. You are not a victim. If you choose to stay, do not become a victim of his drinking. Engage when you can, or when you want to. Disengage when you don't want to deal with his drinking. YOu decide what you will tolerate in your own life.

      I wish you the best,

      Warmly

      Namaste

      Deborah

    • profile image

      Suelatus@aol.com 

      4 months ago

      I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father and now I am dealing with a husband who drinks too much. I left him for 6 months because he wouldn’t admit he had a problem and wouldn’t go for help despite us going to a marriage Councelor. Finally after he blacked out and woke up in a pool of blood with broken nose, knee, and a front tooth missing, he acknowledged he had a drinking problem and went to AA but left after a few short weeks. That was last April and since then he has been wonderful until 3 days ago when he was very drunk and admitted he “had a little bit to drink”when I asked him if he had been drinking. He spends an nordinate amount of time in his man cave and in the past hid liter bottles of scotch. I feel he does not respect my feelings over his love of drinking and I no longer know what to do. I don’t want to leave him again but I feel I can’t trust him and am bothered not only by his drinking but the fact that he knows how much I suffered from alcoholic behavior growing up and he is unwilling to give it up despite his admitted issue. Up until this last snafu the day after VDay, I had been experiencing euphoria in our marriage since he had his “accident” the best time in our entire marriage of almost 29 years! Now, I once again I am beside myself with fear not knowing what to do this time around. Help!

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      5 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Good morning, and thank you for your in depth comment. I appreciate you reading the article, watching the videos and taking the time to comment.

      Not only have I watched the Love and Respect videos, I have also attended a live conference with Emmerson and Sarah, as well as led the study on numerous occasions.

      I do not fancy myself an expert on marriage, relationships, or Love and Respect.

      I do, however, believe that each situation is unique. I am delighted to hear that your marriage has lasted more than 30 years. You are both obviously doing something right.

      I did write an article about the things women do to mess up their marriage, and it follows many of the Love and Respect principles, just as this article does.

      There are many paths to healing, and each person must discover the path that takes them to the truth of who they really are.

      I appreciate your passion and your dedication to the sacred institution of marriage, and I wish you all the best on your own journey.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Gary 

      5 months ago

      Deborah, when I saw that you had the Love & Respect video attached, I was excited. But after reading some of your responses and your advise to some of these people's issues, I am highly disappointed. To suggest that @Dee37 and Unknown to decide if "you are ready to walk away"? REALLY? You obviously need to re-watch the L&R series (if you have) and refresh your understanding that any marriage (no matter how unsatisfying) can be turned around. It is hard but it is also UNCONDITIONAL. I have been married for 30+ years and have gone through most issues that a marriage can. If a husband or wife will do marriage as it is suppose to be done, it can be turned around. But when you say, it is ok to walk away because someone doesn't feel like their needs are being met, you are destroy the foundation of any marriage, which is commitment.

      WATCH the Love & Respect series instead of just using a funny clip to get attention!!! I would be interested in what type of article you would write in order to teach wives about "The top 10 things they do to destroy their marriage"? There are the things that they do that contribute to the destruction of the marriage as well...

      But if both are good willed individuals and most are, it is simply the fact that they are not meeting the other person's needs. How do you change that? You DONT do it by walking away or think that you can be negative in order to get a positive response. You change your spouse by committing to meet their need to feel Loved or Respected UNCONDITIONALLY. When you do that to a good willed person, over a period of time, things change. In yourself as well as in them.

      Divorce is never a road to healing and every person that I have counseled with who has gone through it continues to carry the scars from it for years; let alone what happens to the kids!

      To all your readers, I suggest that they watch Emmerson & Sarah Eggrichs' LOVE & RESPECT video series. That should be step 1.

    • profile image

      Igetit 

      5 months ago

      @unknown, I know exactly how you feel. Men don’t realize we women go through a lot of changes through the years. Our bodies change,we get older, kids take up our me time and our “I want to get cute”time. We need that validation from our SO. What I tell myself sometimes is not always nice and I need to hear that I am beautiful or that my husband is thinking about me. They just don’t get it. Thinking it and not saying it can be the difference between divorce court and happily ever after.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      5 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Jean Keats, Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. You know, I've often wondered if I would ever get married again. Marriage is not an easy road. I think we all put our best foot forward in the beginning. I think the challenge is to bring your A-game to your marriage every day. Wishing you the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Jean Keats 

      5 months ago

      If I had to do it again, I'd stay single. Empty space cannot hurt you but people can. Men have this facet to their personality of shutting themselves off but oh, they're so sweet in the beginning but end in a fizzle. I play second fiddle to computer games and cymbalta. Well, it's his loss and someone else's gain.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      6 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Dee37,

      You are in a very difficult situation. Having young children at home is exhausting. It is important to find some time for you. I know that may sound ludicrous, but I have eight children.

      Maybe take a walk outside and get some fresh air. Your first priority is your own health. You can't take care of anyone well, if you aren't healthy.

      Perhaps you can find a play group at a local church, or find some part time work at a day care. These options allow your kids and you to socialize.

      As for your relationship with your husband, it sounds as if you are both frustrated. Anger and resentment increase because you both feel your needs are not being met.

      Have a heart to heart talk with him. Let him know how you honestly feel, and gently remind him that you love each other.

      You are not his mother. You are his partner.

      My suggestion is for you to first take care of yourself. Look for a community of new moms, who can relate to your frustrations.

      Then, with your husband, offer him love and support, but if he calls you names or is unkind, gently remind him that you are his wife and the mother of his children.

      Wishing you the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Dee37 

      6 months ago

      I also know the struggle of making time for each other as we have a 5 year old son and a 5 month old baby, so it is difficult even to get time to talk at night after putting the kids to bed, as the baby is constantly waking.

      He doesn't show any affection unless it is about sex. It's true that he switches on and off easily compared to me.

      He gets stressed easily about things and recently changed his job, so that is added stress. I am taking care of the kids full time and up with the baby mst of the night. He never seems to realize its a 24/7 job for me and I equally need to time to rest just as he does.

      I moved from overseas as I am not from the US, so I don't have close friends etc. here I can really vent to.

      He seems to think me going back home to visit every few months would make things better for us as he knows I miss family etc. and says we nit pick at each other and get under each others feet. He said that I dont get out or have any interests/friends that I spend time with outside the home, but it is a struggle to find time with 2 kids, one being 5 months old. I rarely have time to myself to just read a book.

      I know he feels like he needs more time to do his own thing and pursue his own interests, however the kids take up our time, not my lack of interests or a social life!

      My husband doesnt really show any appreciation for things i do. He seems to blame me for petty things. Just the other day he had to stop by our sons school late in the morning before work. He asked me to wake him at 11am. So my alarm went off and I woke him, he went back to sleep for 15 more mins and told me to wake him 15 mins later, so I did. Said to them wake him in 7 mins so I did, then told me to wake him in 5 mins as there was still time for him to rest a little longer. Anyway I fell asleep by then with the baby as I was exausted from being up all night nursing and soothing the baby... so he woke up late and got mad at me for not waking him on time. He called me a lazy bitch and stormed out. This really upset me as it is not only disrespectful, but I do everything around the house as well as taking care of the kids full time. He came home later after work pretending like nothing had happened and avoiding interacting with me. Im always cleaning up after him, throwing his trash away, cleaning his messes up in the bathroom etc. And I have told him to try being more responsible for his messes around the house but it always falls on deaf ears! So it doesnt help that I feel like his mother and not his wife. We live like room mates. Theres no intimacy or passion anymore. I am finding it hard to feel anything for him apart for him being the father of my children. We do not do anything together apart from occasionally discuss finances at night for 30 mins before bed.

      He seems to think me visiting friends and family overseas will make our relationship better, as he thinks that time apart will help and give him space he needs. I agree to a degree but I dont think it will fix our relationship as we do not do anything together anyway, so its not going to make us closer by me taking off with the kids every few months.

      We haven't been on a date in 5 years!

      He shows no interest in me as an individual person. Just as the mother of his kids and it makes me feel unattractive (which I am absolutely not) to say the least. I know he feels that I should do more outside the home and find new friends etc. but i rarely have time to just go to the gym once a week! I cant take the kids everywhere with me. And if I do then its not 'me time'. Yet he goes out for hours at a time to hang out with his buddy at night while im watching the kids etc. So hes out of the house a lot, and Im stuck inside. He forgets that he would have less time to run around as he pleases if I was out doing my own thing as much. And I know that would bother him too!

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      7 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Unknown,

      I'm sorry to hear of your situation. My best suggestion is to take care of you. Have a genuine talk with him, be honest about how you feel and your concerns, without crying or getting overly emotional. Give him space to respond. Determine if you both want to continue, or if you are ready to walk away. A marriage is a two-way street. Both parties must invest time, energy and commitment for a successful relationship.

      Thanks for reading and commenting and I wish you the best,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Unknown 

      7 months ago

      My husband will not talk to me we argue everyday. He works so much I don’t see him often but a few hours and in that time he don’t want to spend it with me much. I send him sweet messages while he’s at work I tell him I love him and most of the time it just gets read. Yes I understand he’s at work and all but if he has the time to read it then he hand time to at least say three words to me. He doesn’t compliment me anymore he doesn’t look at me like he used to and I am so depressed and I cry everyday over it. I have so much on my mind and I feel I cannot vent to him every time I do we argue we fight. I don’t know what else to do anymore. Does he even love me?

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      7 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Empress,

      That sounds like a dreadful way to live. I'm sorry for your experience. I can honestly say that I felt that way for nearly twenty years, until I finally decided it was time for a change. I couldn't leave before I was ready, but once I was, my life changed for the better over night.

      Best of luck to you.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Empress 

      7 months ago

      1, 2, 4-9 all issues in my marriage. #3 isn't an issue because he doesn't try to fix anything, his response to almost anything i say is "ok".

      He ignores me emotionally and sexually and only pays a little attention when he wants sex. It seems everyone and everything is more important than i am to him..he doesn't even spend quality time with his children. And he has major communication issues so that just makes everything worse.

      Many days i just feel depressed and fight to hold back tears. He does not take responsibility and he doesn't apologise when he is wrong. In fact, everyhing is usually my fault...he speaks to me arrogantly and just ignores me. He won't even make time for counselling, his way of dealing with problems is to ignore them...

      I feel more like a roommate who he has sex with once a month than a wofe and partner.

      I'm just tired.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      7 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Tony, I agree. We need to be on the same team, in order for marriage to succeed. One person can't solve every problem.

      Wishing you the best,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Tony 

      7 months ago

      I get on my wife about these same things. I have Health ignored for the past 4 years and I've tried to talk to her about it I've tried to talk about her being ways and nothing comes out of it. My wife is a my way or the highway kind of woman so I had to break everything down and just stop and once she realized the Blessings that she has she's finally starting to come around and understand I mean why would you start an argument with your husband when he just tells you to leave a few lights off and you'd rather tell him I'll just pay the difference when we're trying to save money. There's a fine line with all this stuff and if you had to do with what I had to do with for 4 years you probably stop doing everything is well until people started opening their eyes and getting on the same team.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      7 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Tink, That is a great point. I have experienced the porn addiction thing. It ruins sex.

      Thanks for reading and commenting,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Tink 

      7 months ago

      What a great article- thank you so much! As the wife of a man addicted to porn, his porn use really did take all the fun out of sex with my husband. It’s too bad because I have a very high libido. His loss.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      8 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Miss Emily,

      You make a good point about exes. They can be damaging to a relationship, particularly if your partner is putting the ex ahead of the new spouse.

      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Miss Emilly 

      8 months ago

      How about bringing up ex partners. One side is happy to stay in touch and being friend with and the other side feels insecure and betrayed.

    • profile image

      Ashey e 

      8 months ago

      That is exactly what I'm going threw! I'm the one who cheated but I don't know what going threw completely this was years I got pregnant for the second the first one was easy bc I didn't know I was pregnant so it doesn't effect me like it dose now iv work hard to gain my trust back and I truly don't think he is in love with me since I got pregnant and he just leave don't say anything and it's been 2weeks of hell !! please give me comments I know I sound like the horrible person but I took the blame and I try to do everything i can do to gain his trust back and it like he thrownit I'm my face and this week alone he never came home and I don't know who he with but I'm pretty sure that everything I think going on !

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      8 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Bad husband, give yourself a break. We all make mistakes. The first step toward healing is to notice that there is a problem in the first place. Then, take responsibility for your own part of the problem. Then, move forward. Try to be a little better today than you were yesterday.

      Wishing you all the best. And I appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Bad husband... very very bad 

      8 months ago

      Guilty as you described!

      Any ideas on what to do to begin healing?

      The damage might be too severe to reverse. All those things you described were on the money as to what I did.

      Well written article. Thank you.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      8 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Corinne, Thank you for sharing your story. When only one person is willing to nurture and build a relationship, it usually can't survive. I'm sorry you endured that devastation.

      Thank you for taking the time to read and to respond. I wish you all the best in your healing journey.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Corinne 

      8 months ago

      I was married for 11 years. In the last 3 years I accepted I was the only one fighting for this marriage, while he literally couldn't care less.

      I suggested activities together, a getaway, counseling… ANYTHING to save our marriage. He always said he had no time. No interest from his part whatsoever.

      I stopped caring too. I quit. No amont of prayer could save my marriage. I still feel numb from the pain and indifference my ex showed while we were getting divorced, but at least I'm not in a fake marriage anymore.

      I am not happy yet, but I'm getting there slowly. Sometimes you just have to accept that your spouse is simply not worth your brutal effort and complete devoted energy to make things work.

    • profile image

      Jill2573 

      8 months ago

      When reading this article it was as though you were speaking directly to me. After 8 years of marriage and 2 children later, unfortunately he makes me feel as though I don't exist. Yes he works extremely hard to provide for all of us, I appreciate that, but that is always his constant come back - 'I work hard!' He doesn't see or care that I equally work hard bringing up our kids, especially knowing that one of them has a disability. All I ask for is a little emotional support and some affection every now and then. I am literally craving for some affection - holding my hand, a kiss... I have spoken to him about all this a million times but its no use :(

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      9 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Hi Dave, thanks for taking the time to read and comment on the article. I agree with you, when women nag and demoralize their husbands, they tend to look for other relationships, where they feel encouraged and respected. That is why I wrote an article about the things women do to destroy their relationships.

      Thanks again for commenting.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Emily 

      10 months ago

      My husband is always gone either work or Hogg hunting all nite. He goes 3 to 4 times a week. I recently lost 30 pounds for him to notice me. Its been one thing after another in our marriage. I cannot compete with material wants he has or crazy hobbies. I am sick of begging for any time attention or even money.. I do act out now but he just trys to turn it to my fault. He thinks hes not doing a thing wrong. I feel i am just in the way of his good time

    • profile image

      Bmorrisroe@cinci.rr.com 

      10 months ago

      I could have written this, but I would have had trouble listening to all that was written. Why am I hurting when my husband treats me so poorly? Why do I feel sorry for him and how our divorce will affect him?

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      11 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Skinprof, Thanks for the great comments. You make some very good points here. I appreciate you taking the time to read and leave insightful comments. Namaste

    • profile image

      Skinprof 

      11 months ago

      Two

      HUGE thing missed...

      Placing family of origin, friends, or hobbies BEFORE marriage/relationship!!!

      For example:

      Making time for basketball practise or regular golf outing, but not committing to a regular date night.

      Refusing to grow yet expecting wife to do so.

      For example:

      Choosing not to learn about children's issues or not caring about sexual issues.

      Expecting wife to " handle it "

      When a woman comes to you and azkz you to try something, don't judge her nor shut her out because you are uncomfortable! She made herself vulnerable and is trusting you

      * when a woman is made to feel second, third or fourth, she disconnects.

      * When the marriage and she are not watered and fed, sex is not even desired.

      When a man doesn't lead, she doesn't feel like a woman.

    • Emmyboy profile image

      Emmyboy 

      11 months ago from Nigeria

      Good points...

    • profile image

      Nav 

      11 months ago

      I'm actually facing this it really healed me reading the above article but the pain of being neglected remains the same.

      Thanks alot. Keep sharing

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      12 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Krin, Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I appreciate your input. I actually have two books for sale on Amazon. One is a relationship book called, "The Married Girls Guide to Great Sex." The other is about an emergency landing i experienced, called "Twenty Hours in Tonopah." Feel free to check them out. You can also contact me for the paperback edition if you'd rather. Warmest regards,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Susanna 

      12 months ago

      My husband has been doing all these things for a long time. His behaviour is toxic to me. I'm still with him because we have a five year old child. Otherwise I would run as far away from him as possible.

    • profile image

      Krin Catteruccia 

      12 months ago

      I was so sunk in your article, I couldn't stop! I would TOTALLY purchase a book if you were to ever publish. Maybe a "How to Work Together for a Happy & Healthy Marriage"?! You could totally pursue and conquer that dream if you desire, an absolutely talented writter. Thank you for sharing.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      12 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      #MGTOW, you make an excellent point! All of these problems can be avoided by not getting involved.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      13 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Ding250,

      I wish you all the best with your marriage and your life. Relationships are not easy, and take commitment from both parties involved. I hope that you can both find common ground to begin again. Remember, you can only control yourself, your actions and your responses. Try to act from a place of love, regardless of the outcome of the current situation. Thank you for reading, and for writing this powerful comment. Wishing you all the best,

      Namaste,

      Deborah

    • profile image

      Ding250 

      13 months ago

      It will be 2 weeks tomorrow that I found out about my husband of 16 years was having a affair. This has been the hardest 2 weeks of my life! I was totally blindsided! Yes I knew thing were not great. We did not argue, we did not talk, we just drifted and closed ourselves off from each other. Of course it was all my fault my husband said by not paying him any attention & pushing him away. Yes I will hold up my hand and say I did do that & I did do that on purpose and told him so. I also told him before being accused, Yes I am also a cow with PMT every month with a tongue as sharp as a knife. You are probably wondering why I am making a comment on this hub! But I also had to tell my husband he was not perfect! he once was! but not for the last couple of years. I have tried to tell him how he was treating me & how it made me feel but I could tell he just couldn't get it. I found your article 2 days ago by accident & saved it. I could not believe what I was reading. Points 1 to 9 was my husband & how it made me feel. I told him last night that I had something he needed to read & process in the morning and if he could not understand and learn from it point 10 was the answer for both of us. Well I left him to read it this morning & went back to bed & wait as he is a slow reader. He came through to me & said THAT'S ME with tears running down his cheeks. So the reason I am writing publicly is to Thank You from the bottom of my heart for writing this article. We are going to fine, we both know our faults, we know what we have to do. We had a great marriage and will have again. Thank You Deborah you gave my husband & myself the last piece of the jigsaw to help do this. x

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      13 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Margaret, I appreciate your pain. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do to change someone else. You only have control over your own behavior and reactions. I am sorry to hear that you and your partner have become so alienated. My only suggestions are these, and they are heartfelt and sincere. First, decide for yourself if there is something worth salvaging in your relationship. If the answer for you is yes, then you can only do your own part to create a peaceful situation. You do not have to be a passive participant in someone else's suffering and misery. If there is nothing left worth staying for, then seek your own peace. Money isn't everything.

      I wish you all the best,

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      13 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Hasin, Thank you for reading and commenting. Relationships take commitment from both parties. It is sometimes hard to get the other person to understand their part in problems. The best thing you can do is work on your own part of the solution.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Hasin A 

      13 months ago

      You told the women's heart openly..... But seeing this I surprised because maximum.women's are like this only right.... The one who truly loves her husband.... Well said about women's feelings.... Great.... But still husbands never understand.... They are still hurts wives....

    • profile image

      Margaret Heekin 

      13 months ago

      Selfish, insenstive, passive aggressive ingrate describes my "husband". Can't do anything. Hostile, defensive and now retired. I am financially unwilling to leave him with all we have accumulated. No children and now no sex Thank God. Need advice.

    • profile image

      INaRUTT 

      14 months ago

      Spot on! I would love to send this article to my husband of 20 years whom for the past 17 years have said lack of sex in our marriage is normal and sex with me feels like a duty. Time to move on and let him be alone. I Def don't need this man to continue to humiliate me. Sad part is waiting around for 20 years. Thank you for the article.

    • profile image

      ansari maryam 

      15 months ago

      Thanks deborah , I like this article:-)

    • profile image

      Billy Budd 

      15 months ago

      Good advice for everyone. Your spouse is not a tenant in your house, or your employee. Ignore her long enough, and she will go away.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      15 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @kulderp,

      Thanks for the comment. Interference from any outside person, especially the parents, is harmful to a relationship. We should put our partner first, and our parents after that. Thanks,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      kulderp 

      15 months ago

      One more point missing is interference of parents and giving more important to there word then husband or wife

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks for reading and for commenting, Sun123. My hope is that relationships in general will improve as a result of these articles.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Sun123 

      16 months ago

      Very well written! I hope more and more man/husbands read it and stop themselves from repeating these mistakes.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Tom, Thank your for your beautiful response. Your wife is a very lucky woman, to have such a devoted, considerate and loving husband. You are a great example for all husbands. I wish all the best to you and your bride, and many more years of happiness together.

      I appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      tom 

      16 months ago

      Agree with most, but to always refuse the damsel in distress is not love. With what is going on in the world these days, some if the best, good willed and driven women are in distress. I have been married ten years to the woman of my dreams. If I had refused to see her and her circumstance without love, I would have never found my life mate. She had lost all to being undiagnosed with cancer; becoming very weak, underweight, losing her home, ending up in poverty, renting a slum.

      I was the "wind beneath her wings," recognized her drive to survive, succeed and rebuild all the goals in life she lost. She went from survival to high function in dignity. Sure it was hard,but it was well worth it. I saw her QUEEN beneath the rough.

      This "judging," of all females in distress to overgeneralize all of them is not love or compassion. The "journey," through her disease towards EASE has been a gift to both of us, AND has outcomes into.positive of helping others in health disparities. That is soul purpose love.

      Love IS about seeing the person, not the manmade circumstance. Sometimes, someone needs a loving hand and no judgments. That is love as a verb.

      Life is not perfect and beautiful souls get harmed in this rough world. It was not her fault that hundreds of drs refused to diagnose her and not let her love and protect herself, health, now and future. A person can only do and handle so much as sick, or worsen and dies; just like animals.

      It becomes a full time us job, running g around exhausted to drs,in and out of hospitals, undiagnosed and treated like garbage; causing horrid outcomes on good people,death and suicides.

      As you state you are a healer and positive, your judgements to a lady in distress is appalling and very lower self.

      Choosing a lady in distress made me a better person, and she was and is the most driven person that I ever met. She is my hero, as I am hers. That is real love on a soul level. She was not the circumstance, it took LOVE as a verb to see her true self amongst that. And thank god, I did.

      It made me a better person and man, and she was well worth it. These over generalizations in society ARE part of the problem.

      Guess what? Horrid, low quality, negligent medical has harmed millions of lives in America. Without accurate and timy diagnosis, ones cannot thrive and function, but their lives go in a whole. Health is a basic human right.

      I've also met many females that care to see the true self in males that also were not diagnosed, including so many vereans, surviving the over right year Veteran Scandal.

      Our ENVIRONMNTS/societies/corrupt government t does harm and negative impact lives. Grow up, and stop telling your audience that females in distress are of no value.

      There are plenty of females that have their life together that are selfish, have no good will drive, and are horrid wives that end up using males.

      Every life is their own unique story, history, her story..

      I truly hope you see this and stop your overgeneralized, not wise, not empathy or compassion generalizations that are FALSE.

      THERE are all types of females and males in distress, not one.

      Females like you are the worst enemies to other females.

    • profile image

      Anna S. 

      17 months ago

      I stopped reading after #1. In the same paragraph you say a husband may tell the wife the house is not clean enough, and then state same hypothetical wife has a job.

      I don't know what world you live in where a woman has a job and still bears the responsibility for cleaning the house. It's split equally then. Want a maid? Make enough money so she can stay at home,and make sure you marry the kind of woman who wants to do that. 2/10 at best.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      17 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @And The Truth Is, Thank you for your comments. I agree that women cause a lot of the problems in a marriage, which is why I wrote a corresponding article about the stupid things woman do to destroy their relationships. I hope you have a better experience if you get into another relationship. Remember to trust your instincts. Thanks for reading.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      And The Truth Is 

      17 months ago

      And what about many of us good men out there that had are Exes do such a number on us already since we had our ex wife cheated on us which i had this happened to me especially when i was a very good husband that was very committed to her as well as very loving and caring which i showed her a lot of respect for her as well. That still wasn't good enough for her since she showed no emotion at all after doing that as if she really didn't care either which she turned out to be such a very pathetic low life loser anyway. This is why many marriages are failing these days since most of the time it is the women that always do the most damage in their marriage unfortunately.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      17 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Vicki Allen, Thank you for reading and taking the time to respond.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Vicki Allen 

      17 months ago

      What a great article! It's all true and makes perfect sense.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      17 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Patrick, you are absolutely correct. It is far easier to say yes, and to help a woman in distress. Unfortunately, this may not always be in your own best interest. Of course, life isn't about always choosing our own interests above that of others, but there needs to be some sort of balance. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. Best of luck to you, in finding a good woman who will appreciate you.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Patrick Peng 

      17 months ago

      already got humped on by a woman in distress and lots of insecurity. Can i say no? What kind of person would i be if i say no? It's easy said than done.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      17 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Maple, Thank you for reading and commenting. My hope is to capture some of the common pitfalls in relationships, and speak to correcting those errors.

      @Anna, I am sorry to hear that your husband doesn't want to spend time with you. Have you spoken to him about it? Do you want to spend time with him? Empower yourself by speaking your truth with kindness and love. Thank you for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Anna 

      17 months ago

      My husband doesn't even care to be around me or so end time with me is it over after 34 years

    • profile image

      Maple 

      17 months ago

      The writer has well identified with the women and every women at some stage will agree to everything mentioned in this article.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      17 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @cryinbrian,

      I guess that should have been your first sign. She was looking to be rescued. Strong women want a strong man to walk beside. (And once in a while we like to be swept off our feet!)

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Cryin Brian 

      17 months ago

      Oh my god..... my ex wife had a knight in shining armour saving the girl painting in our (pardon me, her) house. Thanks, you picked me up a bit today.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      18 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @lonelyone,

      Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I'm sad to hear of your plight.

      My suggestion is to remember that you can only control yourself. Speak your truth to your partner. You are in charge of your own happiness. If things in the marriage aren't working, be honest. And then do what you can to improve your part. Best of luck.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Lonelyone 

      18 months ago

      Loved the article and read the one about wives ruining marriage as well. I cried thought the whole thing because you described it to a T and it was very painful. What would you suggest if the wife is only doing two of them, and the husband is neglecting the wife 9 out of ten? And this husband doesn't respond well to most uncfortable conversations and especially does not like advice?

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      18 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Equal leaders, Thank you for your input, and thank you for reading.

      Although I don't agree that the article is misogynistic, I thank you for reading. I am not literally calling women crockpots. It is a simile. I am using a comparison, crockpots to microwaves, to illustrate the difference between men and women in the sexual arena. Women typically take longer to get turned on than men do, much like preparing a meal in a crock pot, which takes all day, versus cooking in a microwave, which takes place in a matter of minutes.

      I do not agree that if a husband does not take equal responsibility in housework and childcare, then he is abusive. I believe that there are many different roles in marriage, and in a partnership, both partners decide which roles they are best suited to, and which they desire to undertake. It is an agreement between two people to make the best use of their time, talents, abilities and interests.

      It is not male chauvinistic to call a woman a nag, if she is nagging. And I am a woman.

      Finally, I believe that when a couple marries, they can decide who will take which name, and who will make career sacrifices, if any are required. There is no right answer, when it comest to marriage, happiness and partnership. Each couple has to do what works for them. This article generalizes characteristics that can be damaging to a marriage.

      Thank you for reading and commenting,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Equal leaders 

      18 months ago

      Your article was very misogynistic. Women are NOT crockpots. We are human beings who deserve to be respected as leaders in our marriages.

      Any husband who does not take equal responsibility for housework and childcare is a spouse abuser.

      Also, it is very male chauvinistic to call a woman a nag.

      All husbands need to take their spouses' names and make major career sacrifices so that she can fulfill her potential.

    • profile image

      Confused... 

      18 months ago

      Thank you for this article...My husband is guilty of it all...! It's not to say that I'm not guilty of things because in his eyes I probably am and that's fine. But I try and talk to my husband openly about things and he just seems to turn things around instantly and start playing the blame game or just shuts me down instantly...I don't understand, it confuses me and it hurts like hell. I can admit when I'm wrong too but he continues to step on me when I'm down. Then by some magical moment he seems to love me again though I've gotten to a stage where I feel like he is fake and possibly doing things on purpose to make me leave him, I don't know! Ive lost trust in my marriage and all I know is that someone who I thought was the absolute love of my life is making me feel the saddest I've ever been. We have a one year old daughter who is just simply amazing and I never wanted to experience being a single parent, I know plenty of people do it though I always had my mind set on being traditional but I guess these days that is close to non existent! I live each day on auto pilot now because I have no idea what to do nor do I have the emotional strength to do anything because I love him too much, but I guess it's my own fault for allowing situations to keep happening. Anyway I've rambled as you can see, this is the first time I've been open to anyone outside my marriage and it happens to be to a bunch of strangers. Thanks again for this post, it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through certain things. And I know it's not just men that do things that it's us women too, it's a two way street. It's just up to us as individuals to be open in fixing a marriage as a pose to tackling issues in a negative way! Good luck to everyone out there men and women, everyone deserves to be happy xo

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      18 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Michael Morse, Thanks for the input. I value your opinion. I agree that it is difficult for some women to hear about their man's worries and fears. That is unfortunate. It's too bad your wife can't listen without judging, and without fearing.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

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