Top 10 Ways Men Destroy Their Marriage

Updated on June 18, 2019
Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah is a writer, healer, and teacher. Her goal is to help people live their best lives every day by sharing her joy and love of life.

Neglected Wife Symptoms—Ways Husbands Destroy Their Marriages

It is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. So, while this list below may seem daunting, always remember that. If life is stressful, then work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek the things that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.

Also, while both the husband and wife should take responsibility for their part in a marriage, below are ten mistakes common to men. Read on to learn about the behaviors of men, which can completely destroy a marriage.

1. Leaving Her Alone

One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to leave your wife alone. This means things like spending long hours at work and following it up by a beer or several afterward with the guys. Then, when you get home, you don't engage her or your children. Instead, you lose yourself in baseball or computer poker. Also, on the weekends, you'll complain about the messy house, then leave to run errands, and then you don't come back for several hours.

One of the most miserable experiences for a wife is that feeling of isolation when her husband emotionally leaves the relationship. Yes, she has friends and a job. Yes, she spends a lot of time running the kids around and partaking in activities outside of her husband. It's not the same. She desires to spend time with you, the man she loves. To be left alone by her husband causes deep heartache for women. For most women, their largest fears boil down to isolation and deprivation. When she feels abandoned by you, she attacks with hurtful and disrespectful behavior. Her ability to verbally hurt you is her strongest weapon, and she uses it out of fear in an effort to try to get your attention.

When a wife begins to nag because you never spend time at home, never hang out with her, and never engage with the kids, chances are she is feeling abandoned and isolated. When you stop spending time together, the emotional distance between you two grows quickly.

Leaving your wife alone or not paying enough attention to her could create more distance than you realize.
Leaving your wife alone or not paying enough attention to her could create more distance than you realize.

2. Not Getting Close Enough

Your wife feels energized when she feels close to you. Refusing to let her know you is destructive to her and your marriage. While you strive to keep your independence, she longs to connect with you. It is not fair to either of you if you are only affectionate and attentive on the days you want sex or something from her. Affection and closeness ought to be an end in themselves, not a means to a different end.

Talking is not the only way women feel close, although it is an important one. Simple ways to fulfill your wife in this area are to hug her often, hold her hand, and to spend some time alone with her. When her need for closeness is met, she will be more inclined to respect your need for independence. When your wife feels close to you, she will also be more willing to engage with you on a more intimate, sexual level.

The important thing to remember is to help her feel connected. Try talking to her about your day, your fears, hopes, and dreams. Hold her hand when you go out together. Kiss her unexpectedly in the kitchen while she makes dinner. Sit next to her. Ask her how she is doing, and for a few minutes, give her your undivided attention while she answers. A little bit will go a long way and mean everything to her and, in turn, your marriage.

2.5. Closing Yourself Off to Her

Women exist as an integrated circuit. The mind, body, and soul are closely linked — so, hurt feelings affect the entire system. A wife whose spirit is crushed may suffer from fatigue and confusion. Like a strand of Christmas lights — when one light goes out, they all go dark. Men compartmentalize. If one light goes out on his strand, all the other lights function properly, unaffected. Men are able to fully function when one area of their lives is not working properly.

Your wife does not understand the closed-off and mysterious way you operate. Things don't seem to bother you. You never want to talk to her. She knows you are stressed about work, yet you don't show it or express that further to her. She wonders how you can even function. Your wife is not trying to pry or sneak her way into no-man's land. She simply wants you to be open. She wants to truly see you. She feels loved when you share your fears, worries, and troubles. She wants to be that person for you and committed to being so when you got married. She won't try to fix you. She will listen.

Try talking to her about what is going on in your life. Women like to vent, without seeking a solution, and she wants to give you the freedom to share yourself verbally.

3. Always Trying to "Fix" Her

Even when she doesn't always say it, your wife sees you as her strength and as the bearer of her burdens. When she comes to you for help to lighten the load from the weight of her world, it is a compliment. She knows you can handle it.

Rather than trying to resolve and repair every issue, however, try to just listen to her. You might even ask if she needs a solution or just an ear. It will be a relief for both of you when you realize that sometimes you don't have to fix all the problems. Furthermore, when you listen, she will feel like you understand her (even if you don't, which is okay).

4. Never Saying "I'm Sorry."

All marriages have conflict. The refusal to apologize is a quick way to destroy yours. While conflict is not a pleasant thing, growth and closeness can increase as conflict is resolved. For your wife, an apology means she has moved forward through the conflict, and she is now seeking peace.

Many husbands see apologizing as a sure sign of weakness. They think, "If I apologize, she won't respect me." On the contrary, if you humbly apologize and ask her forgiveness, your wife will be putty in your hands. Your small act of contrition soothes her spirit, and acts as a healing balm over her heart. Furthermore, it shows that you're open and willing to make things work, that you care enough to admit to your faults and move past and through them.

5. Taking Her Insecurities Too Lightly

Your wife knows she is highly committed to you. When she sees you looking at other women, in the mall, on TV, on the computer, and in other places, she fears that you may be unfaithful and at the very least, it may make her uncomfortable and question your attraction to them, especially if she is solely just looking at you. Regardless, she is insecure and needs your reassurance, not any belittling, joking, or teasing. These activities all devalues her feelings, which are real. When you stare at a cute young thing as she saunters by, it may be a reminder to your wife of her many imperfections. She feels insecure because she wants to know that you still love her, and you looking at other women may not be so reassuring of that. It's okay for you to look at other women, in fact, it's perfectly natural. The danger is when you are blatant and aggressive, disregarding your wife's feelings and staring in spite of her discomfort.

Your wife is motivated by your love and loyalty. She has committed her life to you, and wants to feel secure in the fact that you are equally committed to her. A big symbol of your loyalty to your wife is a wedding ring. For a woman, this is a sign of your fidelity. A married man without a ring seems to be trying to hide something. This requires very little effort, if any, on your part to reassure your wife in this way, and yet it would mean the world to her. Her peace of mind ought to be worth the cost of an inexpensive, outward expression of your fidelity. You have nothing to hide. A ring is a simple, outward expression of your devotion to your wife and to your marriage. This small gesture can have a deep impact.

When your wife feels insecure, she may ask if you still think she is pretty. She may ask if you love her. She may ask if you think someone else is more attractive. This is not a trap. She feels she is moving toward you, by asking a question and starting a conversation. Talking is how women feel close. She is seeking your assurance of love and loyalty. Rather than make light of the moment, look at her. No, really look at her. Tell her she is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. Give her the assurance she seeks, and ease her troubled mind.

6. Ignoring the Importance of Simple Gestures

Your wife does not require fancy jewelry or expensive meals. Granted, those things are nice, and you like to treat your wife. However, it isn't always necessary.

She feels most loved by the small tokens of your love and appreciation. When you neglect the small things, it may feel to her like you are trying to buy her affection—or ease your own guilt—with the big things. Let your wife know that she is on your mind during the day. A single rose when you walk in the door speaks volumes to her language of love. Give her a call or send her a text during the day to let her know you are thinking of her. Offer to help with dinner, or wash the dishes. These are small gifts of your time that mean the world to your wife.

For your wife, the most important days of the year are her birthday and the day she married you. Celebrate these days by spending time with just her. It will mean more than any expensive gift ever could. The cost of the gift is secondary to the thought you put into it. She wants to feel special and important to you. The way to help her feel loved is to spend time with her alone. Even if you sit home and watch a movie, give her your undivided attention.

A simple gesture like a nice cake on your wife's birthday (or any day, if she's a fan of sweets) can do more than you realize.
A simple gesture like a nice cake on your wife's birthday (or any day, if she's a fan of sweets) can do more than you realize.

7. Taking All the Fun Out of Sex

When you confuse sex with intimacy, it's no fun. When you only focus on your own orgasm, it's no fun. When you only show interest in your wife when you want to get lucky, it's no fun. When you devalue the depth of your sexual relationship with crude jokes and pornography, it's no fun. When you expect her to get excited instantly, it's no fun. When you neglect your wife's sexual needs, it's no fun.

When you are married, sex is supposed to be fun.

An intimate sharing, designed to bring you closer, sex should cement the bond between you. For example, think of your wife as a crockpot. Meanwhile, in this comparison, you are a microwave. Put a meal in a microwave, and you are eating within three minutes. A crockpot meal takes a lot of forethought. You need the proper ingredients. You have to put everything together, turn it on, and wait. Six or eight hours later, you enjoy a delicious meal. Your wife needs the same thoughtful consideration. Start in the morning with a kiss, and tell her she's beautiful, women never get tired of hearing that from the man they love. Help get the kids ready for school. After work, ask about her day.

Slow, slow, slow. If you want to bring the fun back into sex, think crockpot, not microwave. You can microwave in the shower (not literally, obviously).

8. Getting Lost in Bitterness and Anger

When you shut your wife out to brood in your despair, it fills her with fear. Women like to talk things out. Men like to shut things out. When you feel stressed about work, about money, about your relationship, you turn inward. This provokes your wife's fear of abandonment and rejection.

She thinks you don't love her when you refuse to speak. This fear, and her desire to resolve conflict, cause your wife to pursue you. She wants to talk it out, not to belittle or demean you, but to feel closer. She wants you to trust her, so she can trust you. She follows you around, asking if everything is alright. You run away from her and avoid wanting to discuss what is bothering you. She knows something is wrong, and she begins to assume that she is the problem.

You can stop this train wreck before it happens by opening up to your wife. She loves you. You can trust her. Share your real feelings with her, and she will open her heart to you.

9. Not Taking Responsibility

Whether it's an addiction, an affair, or poor performance in your life, many times, husbands point to their wives as the reason for their weakness. "She makes me drink because of her nagging. I cheated because she wouldn't take care of me. I'm doing poorly because she never encourages me."

It's time to take full responsibility for your own behavior. You need to take ownership of your actions. You choose to drink. You choose to cheat. You choose to work or not work. You actively do all these things on your own. Rather than blaming someone or something else, stand up and take control. Make your life reflect the values you desire. Your life is completely under your control. Today, you can choose differently. You can create exactly the life you want. Furthermore, if your wife really is the root of all the problems in your life, then take control of that as well and man up and tell her the truth. She can't change if you aren't willing to express the problem.

If you have an addiction or problem, don't always blame your wife.
If you have an addiction or problem, don't always blame your wife.

10. Picking the Wrong Woman. Again.

A woman in distress, who just moves from crisis to crisis, will continue to be in distress after you marry her. A nitpicking woman who criticizes your every decision will continue to nitpick. A control freak always wants control, even after the wedding. The bottom line is: if she is the wrong woman before the marriage, she'll be the wrong woman when and after you get married.

If you want a nice wife, then date a nice woman and marry her. Treat her with love and respect, and she will return the kindness. Trying to rescue a woman in distress will only lead you to feel used and unappreciated. A strong marriage begins with a good-willed woman and a good-willed man. It flourishes as you both grow in love and respect toward each other.

Choosing the wrong woman sets you up for failure every time. Although you might like the feeling of being a knight in shining armor rescuing a damsel in distress, the reality of being married is much harder and much less idealistic. Marriage takes work, from both the husband and the wife. When both are committed to making the marriage a good experience, then it has a better chance of succeeding.

Work on Yourself

While this list may seem daunting, it is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. If life is stressful, work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek those things that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.

Video: Love and Respect

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Questions & Answers

  • My partner and I are separated due to lack of affection and love. He ignores me and constantly leaves me home alone to go smoke Marijuana. When he's at home, if he's not critiquing everything I do, he's ignoring me cause he's on his phone. I don't know if I should try working on the marriage or just walk away?

    You don't mention how long you've been married or if you have children. Do you want to be married to a man who ignores and critiques you?

  • Do you think it worth saving? I feel alone in my marriage like I'm the only one fighting for it. I have suffered emotional affairs, husband addiction to weed, pawning of my ring, lying about females calling and texting, telling me I'm insecure, minimum help with the kids. He cooks dinner, helps with laundry, but he is selfish. Putting only his needs first. Live a secret life when it comes to weed. Does not wear his ring since we got married. I can't take the disrespect anymore.

    Only you can decide if your marriage is worth saving. It's important for you to feel valued in your life. I'd suggest looking into counseling to work on yourself as an individual for a while.

  • My wife and I are separated. We live 12 hours apart. I miss my marriage and want to save it. My wife says she misses and loves me. But has recently stopped all communication with me. How do I save my marriage? How do I show my wife we are meant to be? I want to be with her, under the same roof and work hard to repair our once amazing marriage!

    It's difficult to live under the same roof when you are 12 hours away from each other. It's hard to have any kind of relationship with distance.

    If she has stopped all communication, it is unlikely that she is willing to work on the relationship. There is a lot of detail missing from your question. If your marriage was amazing, what happened to cause the separation? What are the circumstances of your distance? You and she probably need to first agree that you want to save the marriage. If you are the only one, it likely won't work.

    I'd suggest first reopening the lines of communication.

  • What if I just can't seem to get that feeling back that I once had? I'm at the point that life if just a routine day in and day out, but there's just no spark between us.

    What could you do differently to bring passion and excitement into your relationship? What could you do to make it better? After all these years, stop looking for reasons to be dissatisfied and start looking for ways to ignite the spark. You know it was there. Now get busy and do what you can to light it up again. Do you dress up for date night? Do you look good for him? What are you doing to be a better wife? Don't put all the responsibility on him.

  • I have been married for twelve years, and I knew my husband wasn't a big talker, but since I had a hysterectomy, he has been very distant. He goes out every evening after work and comes in late. He says I nag him. Every time I want to talk he says he is tired. I want to travel, but he tells me to go. I ask him to go out with me, but he says no, he is tired. We have no children together. He is 47 and I am 51. I want my marriage to work, but I don't know how. What should I do?

    It sounds like you would both benefit from spending time together. You don't have to talk to spend time with each other. Rather than asking to talk, go with him when he goes out after work. If he goes directly somewhere from work, meet him there. Surprise him by dressing up. You mention a hysterectomy, but not your intimacy. Did your intimacy level change after your surgery? Maybe he is depressed. Or maybe he is just tired. Start having fun in your own life, and doing things you enjoy. Then, try to involve him. See if he is open to the idea of counseling, and let him know that you love him and you want things to work out. Ask him what you can do to make the marriage better.

© 2010 Deborah Demander

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    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 weeks ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @RyFlo,

      Thanks for the comment!

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 weeks ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Christopher Harpe, I appreciate your comments on this article. And actually, I have written an article about the things women do to destroy their relationships.

      I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. Don't give up on love.

    • profile image

      RyFlo 

      2 weeks ago

      @nomorelonely1

      Girl you are gonna be lonely as long as you let him ignore you. Hes enjoying his best life while you watch. Make him watch you leave in relief of getting rid of his ass. I hope tot find happiness.

    • profile image

      Roxane bell 

      2 weeks ago

      Its so unblievable he comes on infront of my face when we go out with youngervwomen .then i make a friend we go to a resterant he sits on her side leaves me alone sitting on the other side. He puts everyone particullarly women before me. And expects a normal loving home environment. Is he for real ?

    • Christopher Harpe profile image

      Christopher Harpe 

      4 weeks ago

      It's so strange that this is emphasized as things that MEN do to destroy their marriages. Yet, I, being a man and a husband for 25 years, am going thru nearly each of these. I love her but it feels like I am alone, married to myself. Let's see if I can elaborate:

      1. Leaving Her Alone

      No, she doesn't leave me alone in the same sense of how I

      used to leave on a deployment. She leaves in the sense that

      her body is here but her mind is somewhere else. When she comes home from work she plays games on her phone. All the while I am sitting there and barely says a word.

      2. Not Getting Close Enough

      When I sit quietly and think about it, I know very little about my wife. Even after 25 years. I know her immediate family and where she grew up. On the other hand she's been to my home state, knows all of my friends and even my deepest secrets. But she refuses to talk about her past and when she does it's taciturn. We sleep in the same bed, we don't have sex (for years now) and since I am not a smartphone we are not "close".

      2.5. Closing Yourself Off to Her

      Everything you said refers to ME not HER! When she gets upset with me she stops speaking. This can go on for MONTHS!

      3. Always Trying to "Fix" Her

      Again, this describes ME! I have sat her down and told her EXACTLY what the problems were. The basic problem is we don't communicate and her icey coldness. I don't ask for much.

      4. Never Saying "I'm Sorry."

      I don't see saying "I'm sorry" as a sign of "weakness". Nor do I see crying in front of my wife as a "weakness". But (and I know many people say this) she really doesn't see a reason to apologize for anything. Somehow, some way she sees herself as "innocent" or a "victim".

      5. Taking Her Insecurities Too Lightly

      My wife doesn't seem to care about ANYTHING I do. She is like an android. Come home, pet the cat, take a shower, eat, play with her phone, zzzzzz. Rinse and repeat. If there is a conversation to be had then I have to be the one to begin!

      6. Ignoring the Importance of Simple Gestures

      This was more than a "simple gesture". A few months back my wife woke up and said her left side was numb. She attempted to get up but could not. To make a long story short she had a mini stroke. I held her and told her everything was going to be fine! My son and I got her to the ER. She is fine today. Now I have developed a few health problems from my time in the service. I am also diabetic. I was given new meds by the VA doc but wasn't told how they'd interact. I ended up on the floor, in pain, wretching my guts out! The only person who helped me was my 19 year old son. My "wife" was too busy eating pasta and watching TV while I was rolling on the carpet right in front of her! Not the first time. I was admitted to the hospital last year because an ingrown hair became septic and the infection was spreading. She told me she didn't know I was "that sick". A few months back I became dehydrated in the street and the ambo and my son took me to the ER. She didn't come to see me because she was "mad" and it was "my fault" I was there.

      7. Taking All the Fun Out of Sex

      We haven't had sex in YEARS...next!!!

      8. Getting Lost in Bitterness and Anger

      LOL! My wife BARELY knows I EXIST! I'm the Meg Griffin of the house!

      9. Not Taking Responsibility

      That would be nice! If she could show some human EMOTION!

      10. Picking the Wrong Woman. Again.

      Yet again! I am 47, this is my SECOND marriage! I got married young at 18 (which I don't advise, but not for the reasons people may think) But if were to get a divorce now, I don't think I'd roll the dice again!

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      5 weeks ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @nomorelonely1,

      It sounds like you have a long road ahead of you. I think the best place to start is to have an honest conversation with yourself. Maybe get yourself into some counseling. You cannot change, fix or control anyone other than yourself. So, the first thing you can do is get yourself healthy. What do you really want? Not only in your marriage, but also in your own life in general. If you actually want to stay married to your husband, then have a conversation with him. Not a guilt trip. Not an argument. Just an honest conversation, where you tell him that you love him and you don't want to lose him.

      Being married is difficult and takes a commitment from both parties. If he isn't committed to working on your relationship and saving your marriage, then it doesn't matter what you do, he will not stay.

      Men are pretty easy to understand and. They want to be respected and admired by the women they love. Women want to be loved and cherished by the men they admire. Somehow, the two of you have gotten away from respecting and loving each other. I would strongly recommend you read the book "Love and Respect," by Emmerson Eggrichs. It is a helpful tool to understand the differences in how men and women perceive life. In addition, I think some professional counseling will help you find a direction and set some realistic goals for yourself.

      I wish you all the best,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      JYOTSNA 

      5 weeks ago

      We both are working leave home at 9.30 in the morning and i return home at 6.30 from office then go to gym for 2hrs approx reach home at 9 pm in the night and he return 7 in the night.

      When i return to home he is never interested in talking with me. used to say why u return back home. In night when i go close it seems he never interested in me ... always using phone in night, some time push me back or i say hug me i have pain in my hand... kind of comments.

      I try to avoid to go home.

      Never interested to go outside the home ... neither on birthday anniversary.

      It's worth to keep this relationship... I'm not able to understand it's only 2.5 year of marriage and I'm always crying not fulfilling my hobbies.

    • profile image

      Nomorelonely1 

      5 weeks ago

      My husband can be a good man, but, he has always had the habit of raising his voice to me, complaining, storming out of a room when I talk to him, or just ignoring me all together . However, there are times when he can be kind. Our sex life has happened only occasionally these last years, because of his inattentiveness to me -- he wanted sex on demand. When I would tell him that I wanted some help, some conversation, wanted to cuddle first, he would become upset. I love him, but am not wild about how he feels that sex is the end all, be all. I recently discovered that he is having sex with another woman. He doesn't sleep with me, he claims that the bed hurts his back, so he sleeps in an armchair downstairs. This woman texts him a lot, and sends him provocative pictures. He says that nothing is going on, but he has gone on a lot of business trips and I feel like she is there with him. She must not work. She is a lot younger than he is. He does not want to be involved in family activities anymore, claiming that he has to work 7 days a week until 11:00 p.m. I have been trying to work on things, and I think that he would have too, but all things stopped when this woman came on the scene a few weeks ago. All I have ever wanted was his love and respect, would love to be with him sexually...I just needed a little attention. I was not "ready Freddy" when he wanted sex, and so he says that the passion for me is gone. There is so much more to me than that. I just wanted him to see me for who I am. I have leukemia, and while I am in remission right now, I still have the constant doctor appointments, lab work, etc. He is 65. I don't know why he is behaving this way. I need to be able to trust him, and he needs to be honest with me, as I am with him. I love him, and want him back with me. I know that he loves me (minus the passion); I just want things to be better than they were. He has a business trip in 3 weeks, and I asked to go with him. He said "no" because he has a lot of work to do, but I just want to be with. I want him to want me. We have never had a honeymoon, nor gone on a trip together where it was just us, and we have been married for 28 years. I want to stop thinking and worrying about what he is doing, for, it will make me sick. Is it a status thing? Why couldn't he just talk to me instead of going to this extreme? I want to save my marriage.

    • profile image

      Miriam 

      5 weeks ago

      My boyfriend and I have lived together on and off for almost a year. We discovered a few things about each other since then and we've been able to manage those issues. Even though I feel happy with the man I have on my side I still feel lonely and often left alone at least once or twice a month for a whole weekends. He is in the service and does his training drills once a months on top of that he takes off to check on his dogs and do house work at his old friends house where he still partially resides. Some other weekends he leaves to go see his family 2hrs away and spends the weekend there too. When he's with me we share conversations and do interact around the house, but when it comes going to bed he goes directly to sleep and most of the time there is no physical sexual interaction or affection. He said his not the type that is kissy..kissy and touchy, but I am. He does not care for much love making, but he says he loves me. I love him and I now he loves me. We both don't want to let go of each other but I do want more from him. I feel lonely and neglected and we both don't know what to do.

      We are thinking of marriage, but we don't want to make a mistake and have this relationship fail.

      Before our relationship he was married for 20 yrs and wife passed away and I was married for 26 years and divorced after husband cheated and left for another woman. So him and I have been in long relationships where we previously made things work.

    • profile image

      Been Patient 

      6 weeks ago

      The article has some good points. 1-3 hit home and brought tears to my eyes. I've beem married for 6 yrs the end of this month and we've been together for 10 yrs. I feel alone alot. It's the second saturday in a row, he leaves at 8:30 in the morning for his haircut and its 11:41 p.m. now, he's not here. He stopped by twice and it was only for less than 5 mins. I think about it alot how i want to leave or feel shortchanged when it comes to marriage or love. He doesn't do any household chores/cleaning, doesn't cook, doesn't plan any date nights, doesn't make plans with me at all and i have to ask for help on our bills. He's been abusive and i have suspected him cheating, but haven't had any evidence fallen on me. I just feel so neglected amd unloved. Sometimes i wonder, are all guys like this? Want to spend time with you to get you then years later not rushing home to see you. Or spending time with you is now foreign. If I bring this up, it will cause a fight or he becomes dismissive. We have been trying to conceive for 4 yrs with no child, but he has 3 kids. You can see how i feel very lonely about this too. Good to vent and know some out there understands what I'm going through.

    • profile image

      Cautiously Optimistic 

      2 months ago

      I am not married, at least not now. I was married for 19 years, and unfortunately it ended almost 6 years ago. I am now in relationship #3 since my divorce. The first two don't really count I realized quickly it wasn't going to work. The last and current one has lasted almost 3 years. I feel as though I am making the same mistakes I made in my marriage. And that is exactly what I was trying to avoid. In my current relationship my bf is not affectionate, he doesn't respect me, or my things. I feel very alone, and detached from him. Yet he tells me he loves me. I don't feel that love. I'm not sure why we are even together, other than he has no where else to go. I feel like I give more than he does, and it has caused me to become hateful and angry, but it started out as hurt. When he talks about his exes it's always positive and it makes me feel less than, and that I don't measure up and that I never will. He also drinks daily and it causes problems for me as I do not agree nor do I want it in my home. He has slacked off of the drinking but at some point it does rear its ugly head and he drinks more than he should. I want better. I want a real relationship and I want a partner who is actually in the moment. When I try to break it off with him he tells me he loves me, and I want to believe him because I do love him. But I am not so sure this is what I want long term. I am 47 almost 48 and he is 38 going on 39. I feel like my time is limited (because of my age) and I don't want to waste anymore unnecessary time. Am I wasting my time or is there hope? And, if not, how do I end things once and for all?

      -Holding out but not for long

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      2 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @sjon,

      You can only speak your truth. Tell him you love him and you are willing to help heal the past and forgive mistakes. Let him know you are willing to work on those things that have been a problem.

      Beyond that, you can't control anyone but yourself. If he wants to work things out, he will let you know. You can't make him do anything. You can learn from your own mistakes and choose differently in the future.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      sjon 

      2 months ago

      i really love my husband we been separated 3 years and I want him back but he hates me for the wrong reasons, things we should have done in the beginning as a couple, but did not has now turned into a nightmare and I just want him back to show him that all I really wanted was to love him only and build a home with him, that's why I married him. he is mad at me for wrongs we both did, but I feel we can fix our mistakes and forgive and forget the past and work it out. I pray to God everyday to have him back, because of who I know he is. and he will love me again if given the chance. I really Love him and only him and I committed myself to this through Gods eyes. Please tell me how can I get to tell him and have him back asap?

    • profile image

      Always devoted 

      2 months ago

      My husband and I have been married almost two years, we have had our ups and downs as all relationships do. We dont have a lot of money right now and things are really stressful. All I want to do is run errands together just us the the baby, he feels that I shouldn't want to always do that with him. He gets mad and mean sometimes. We just had an argument about this. Our son has a small cold and wejeed to do laundry as we do not have washing machine and dryer, also get a few things from the store, he makes it out as this big hard thing to always do. He doesn't understand why I always want to run errands with him. I don't really know how to explain myself. I just love getting out of the house with my family even if it is to the laundry mat and store. Am I wrong for this? How should I explain to him? I'm hurt

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      3 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Preggy956210, Before doing anything drastic, I'd suggest talking openly and honestly with your husband.

      Find out what's going on for him and see if there is a way for the two of you to work through these issues together.

      I understand your fear, and your feelings of abandonment. It would be good for the two of you to find a way to communicate openly and honestly about how to best heal your marriage.

      If you can't reach a solution, I'd suggest professional counseling.

      I wish you all the best.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      3 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Rayzn,

      Thank you for sharing your opinion. I am pleased to hear that you and your wife are in counseling and receiving a positive benefit.

      I appreciate your feedback.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      preggy956210 

      3 months ago

      I am 2 months pregnant first time mommy, my husband works the refineries and came home due to a miscarriage scare I had, to help me emotionally physically and mentally.. However he's been home 2 weeks and is now leaving before I get out of bed and arriving home at 2 am...i am feeling alone and abandoned thinking about divorce... Any advice??? I feel so heartbroken...

    • profile image

      Rayzn 

      3 months ago

      My wife and I have been going to therapy for quite some time individual and marriage counseling and what you’re saying gives women a false idea I don’t know if you are licensed or not but both of ours have PhD’s and are AMAZING. What you’re saying does not sound like what a marriage should be and not what we have been told at all I don’t think that you quite understand where men come from and you get a very false idea on what your dream marriage should be this article is spreading information that women want to hear instead of actually getting down to the root of problems you are just causing more with articles such as this

    • profile image

      Sad. 

      3 months ago

      I read this article and absolutely broke down into tears. Everything this article points out is basically him at this point in our relationship. We have been together for almost 10 years and have 2 kids, and he comes home from work and refuses to talk or communicate or engage with the kids and I. I try to understand that he comes home tired but the constant neglect, him telling me that I am just nagging and telling me I am the one treating him like garbage is breaking me down. I feel lonely and I am feeling depressed.

    • profile image

      Yumna 

      4 months ago

      Omg this what's going on I'm my married life is heavy days....we married 2years and were together for another 2 makes it 4 years together...we have 2 kids at first everything is going on bored....for a while nw things went side ways he leaves in the morning and comes 11 oclock side yes...he doesn't see me hole day and he would ignore me most of the times we comes moody....I tried a lot of times we don't speak about our problems so what do u think.....is he seeing someone else honestly we still sleep with each other on I don't know

    • profile image

      Alone. 

      4 months ago

      My husband spends most of his time away from me. Always working late, never spent a whole day with me. I even took a loan to clear his expenses. What am i doing? I feel like am just here for his needs. I have tried talking to him about it but he doesn't get it

    • profile image

      Sarah Joy 

      4 months ago

      If I could get my husband to read this article that would be amazing. If I could get him to read it and actually listen to it, I might have some hope. We've been married 12 years and every attempt I've made to discuss our issues is met with defensiveness, denial, sarcasm, or stonewalling. Or false promises to "do better." We have 2 kids and I'm sitting here wanting a divorce, but avoiding it because I know it will cause them pain... but I also know that watching an unhealthy marriage is also causing them pain (future pain, if not now pain).

      He's a stay at home dad who doesn't do any of the house work (kids are 7 and 9, not talking baby time here). He shows nearly no affection but wants (and mostly gets) sex on the regular. He complains about my attitude about sex, because he doesn't want me to feel like I'm 'giving him' sex, but it's difficult to feel like it's 'making love' when there's no love shown from him to me. The other night we'd taken a red eye home and later he wanted sex. I said I wasn't feeling up for it because I was tired, but that he was welcome to try to persuade me. His answer was to get snarky with me and go to sleep.

      Sorry for the vent fest. It's an excellent article and I'm apparently feeling sorry for myself.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Mir,

      I'm sorry to hear you've had difficulty in your marriage so far.

      I'd suggest you open up to your wife. Let her know how much she means to you, and how much you love her.

      Is it possible for the two of you to spend more time together? Long distance marriages are difficult at best, and it's hard to fix what is wrong if you can't look into each other's eyes and hug them at the end of the day.

      I wish you all the best. Be sure to be open and honest with your wife.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Tiffany,

      Thank you for reading and commenting on my article. I am humbled and honored that you see my heart, through this article.

      My heart is that couples will find ways to work through their different communication styles and make their marriages stronger.

      You are not alone! Marriage is work and together we can make our relationships stronger.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Mir 

      4 months ago

      Me and my wife has just married but my wife lives abroad. We had a week together and our experience was not good cause my wife say i rush and very emotional. My wife used to lovd me very much before marriage and after marriage we argue a lot and she dont say but her actions show she dont love me now and she communicate very less. When i ask her she say we are ok but i feel there is no love left. What i did was due to my nervousness. I love my wife a lot and it stresses me a lot that our bond has actually weakened after marriage. It has been 3 months since we married. I lt saddens me that she dont open up. What i should do i cant even ask openely cause when i say something she say i overthink and nothing is wrong but i know she is not the same. Please help me guide me what to do?

    • profile image

      Tiffany Lowe 

      4 months ago

      This is a beautiful piece!!! This is my heart desire wow!! I LOVE MY HUSBAND ❤️ we've 7 years married going on 8 years this August!! Thank you for this opportunity to read everyone comments this TRULY bless me because I'm not alone in this marriage life.....I pray that Jesus will see us Through!!!! Remember all things work together.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Ash, Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment on my article.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      AshWitcombe 

      4 months ago

      It's not too often I bookmark an article. Really good read, thank you.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Well, that's an interesting dilemma.

      I guess I'd be concerned if my man left for ten days without any word.

      I would definitely look for more information.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Chinni 

      4 months ago

      My husband leaves my 1 year boy and me before 6 months back. He went America. I tried to call with the help of his friends and colleagues. But he wants extra dowry and money. My dad doesn't have enough money. Next, l went women police station. But still my problem doesn't solve. Cops said your husband is out of country. We can't help. My mother-in-law creating too much rumors. Now I'm staying with my parents. Whatever it happens it happened we want live together for my kid. So, what to do. Can you suggest please.

    • profile image

      Stepanie holmes 

      4 months ago

      My husband left for 10 days no wherabouts came home w/ pube hairs shaved. When i saw he said he did for me

      What do you girls think.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      5 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      I'm so sorry to hear about your difficult situation.

      Only you can decide whether to stay or go. No one can make that decision for you.

      If your husband is abusive, then he likely won't change, especially after 13 years. If he is abusive toward you, then perhaps you might consider leaving, or at least protecting yourself.

      Have you had an open, honest conversation with him about your concerns and your sexual needs? Maybe he doesn't realize that you are unsatisfied.

      The truth is, he can't fix what he doesn't know is broken. If you have suffered in silence, then he probably thinks everything is fine. If you fight and argue, but continue to stay, then he figures you're just complaining. Same thing with ultimatums. If you issue ultimatums but fail to follow through, then he probably sees you as making empty threats.

      You can only change yourself. Have an honest conversation with him. Maybe look into professional counseling, to help you get back your esteem and self worth. Finally, decide what you truly want.

      I wish you all the best,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Amethyst Lover 

      5 months ago

      My mother passed away in March of this year and since my husband is a jerk. He's not coming home til late, won't tell me where he is, spending our savings. I bought him a cell phone to keep in touch and he rarely calls me and yells when I repeatedly call him when he doesn't respond to calls or texts. I suffer from OCD and Depression and it's like he enjoys sending me off the deep end. He tells me he is on his way home and shows up 6 hours later. We live pay to pay and I just discovered he took over $500 out to spend on himself. He has sex, he has orgasms, me I'm the blow up doll. He won't help me release my sexual frustration. Due to my back and pain problems sex is difficult but 13 years is a long time to go without. I can orgasm alone, but so want to share that with my husband. I've thought about leaving but I do love him and would be lost without him but how do I know when enough is enough.? My family hate him. they say he is abusive and that I deserve to be treated better. My Mother threatened to haunt him if she finds out he treats me as bad as she suspected. I haven't shared with them anything they have enough suspicions of their own. I have no family in town and only have my daughter and grandson.

    • profile image

      HW 

      5 months ago

      I recently experienced something awful with my husband. He went to his ex-wives house to pick up their son. He accidentally FaceTimed me and I heard their entire conversation. They were talking about sex and he told her to slow down. She replied “we haven’t had sex for a while” and went on taking about some guy she tried to have sex with. The last thing I heard was my husband saying, “Just have it ready when I get back”. He said to me that he was just talking stupid, and denies wanting to have sex with her. He says he would never defile our marriage bed. I am physically and emotionally sick. I don’t know what to do. He offers no explanation as to why he said it We have been married for almost two years.

    • profile image

      Tipz 

      5 months ago

      My husband hides his phone and app with password . And he has chqnged alot after marrying. And also he always tries to show my bad side and he appriciates her best freinds wife. And he never expect a baby from me or he doesnt need to build future with me.and also he never said about my beauty after marrying

    • profile image

      Gheup 

      6 months ago

      Hi,i have lived with my husband for 10yrs.He has another wife outside marriage who owns him completely.he works in kisii town and i work in the village.whenever he is at home the wife calls even at 12am.sometimes he goes out to pick the calls and have been keeping quite.yesterday the lady started writting sms of all the fun they have been having together.telling me that the man has been leaving me in the house going to sleep with her.am hurt what can i do?

    • profile image

      Azeez 

      7 months ago

      Hi Deborah.

      Thank you for the great tips. I will introspect myself and fix my issues. No matter what, a marriage only blooms with teamwork. And I love my wife no matter what. Ill always be her MVP. If there are issues, someone has to start to resolve them. These tips help us men to double-check anything we could correct from our side.

      Salaams and Best regards,

      Azeez

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      7 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Hi Lou,

      Thanks for the great question. Yes, I did write an article about the ten things women do to mess up their relationships. Fair is fair. We all contribute to the problems. The reason I wrote two different articles is because men and women behave differently in relationship and use different tactics. Two different approaches.

      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Lou 

      7 months ago

      A very decent read. I believe most points are fair and valid. Its seems unfair to just hammer away at the man and make it mostly / pointedly his fault. At times feels like I'm having a leftist feminist blame men for most of the issues like we are all failing to see we suffer from "toxic masculinity." May i ask, if its fair to have such an inquiry. Is there a 10 reason for the woman fails the marriage? Or does that seem like Im just the guilty failed husband?

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      8 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Cornelia,

      I am sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, abuse rarely ends. Maybe it is time for you to take care of yourself.

      I wish you the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      cornelia dawson 

      8 months ago

      a man married me in june 2018 and is the wore thing I have ever done he verbally abuse me with is mouth he is from the us am from Jamaica

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      9 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      RhiannonBII,

      I am so sorry for what you are going through. And you are absolutely right. Abuse never stops. I was in an abusive marriage for nearly twenty years, before I found the courage to escape.

      It was the best thing I ever did for myself and my children. And also the hardest thing I have ever done.

      We cannot let other people destroy our lives.

      I wish you all the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      RhiannonBII 

      9 months ago

      While I agree with most of this. And I totally commend you for writing this; I do. It needed to be said. It should be noted that men of the #9 issue will seek women of the #10 issue because they know those women are the only ones they can get away with abusing. The women who have issues already are easy targets for the drunks, liars, and cheaters. They have a finite source to point their shame finger at when they themselves behave badly. 'Look at her. I love her so much. She is doing this to me. She makes me this way'. I was one of those women. I had a fantastic job as a biochemist for the government. I had my own home. I was about to open my dream business. My husband found out I took one anti-depressant (Lexapro) for PTSD and every time he got drunk and violent he blamed me and my 'psychotic personality disorders' for him destroying my home, my face, and even his job. It's 11 years later and HE just started an anti-depressant. The abuse never stops. Words to the wise.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      10 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Tx

      Thanks

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      10 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @John, it seems as though you and your partner have probably endured many years of mutual unhappiness.

      I think it was Emerson who said something like, Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.

      I'm so sorry for your condition and I wish you all the best. It's never too late to change.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      10 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @johanSmulders,

      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I agree, relationships are tons of work, but definitely worth it.

    • profile image

      Tx 

      10 months ago

      Good read

    • profile image

      John 

      10 months ago

      Well I'm a married guy and nothing will change my opinion! I'm who I'm and Im to old to change my life. Married 50 plus years and to put it honestly I regret ever getting married. Marriage was a waste of time and money and energy. We were like renters always passing in the hall way and never stopping. I was very happy on how my life went, I was never interested in intimacy nor sex. I never had a desire for any one male or female.

    • profile image

      Nicholas 

      10 months ago

      Very helpful thank you

    • Johan Smulders profile image

      Johan Smulders 

      10 months ago from East London, South Africa

      An excellent article that deals clearly with the problem many women face, lack of respect and attention. In our modern world many men and women also have been spoilt and believe that they are entitled to happiness as some gift. Marriage/relationships need a lot of work. Nothing in life comes without cost and effort.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      10 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Joy,

      Thanks for sharing your opinion. I appreciate you taking the time to comment on my article.

      Best wishes

    • profile image

      Joy 

      11 months ago

      Lady your talking a load of shit! Women being like xmas lights, unable to function properly, lord where did you get this load o crap from??!!.

      Grow up and open your eyes to real life before you go around giving people advice about stuff you obviously have no idea about.

    • profile image

      Alina 

      11 months ago

      Loads of hogwash!!!

      Dont get married, its an out dated unnecessary model from the past century. Stay independant and enjoy your life!!!!!

      And be a wise women, keep away from partner ship and marriage, saves you from a lot of pain and despair!!!! Just read the posts bellow and youl know Im right!

    • profile image

      Chris 

      11 months ago

      My huband does not respect me. I dont need love and too much intimacy scares me but I need him to accept the person I am and to respect me as I am. This he does not do and I hate it. We have been together for 25 years, Im a hard working Engineer in the field of geology, I make more than him. I never loved or love him but I respect him and take him as he is, he never did this to me. We have a son (16 years) whom I love to death and who is my sunshine. How can I tell him I need him to respect me as the person I am and that I dont need his love but his respect!

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      12 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @John Hansen, Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this article. I appreciate your insight.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      12 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Reg Rees,

      I appreciate you taking the time to read the article and comment on it.

      I think it takes two committed people to make a relationship work, which is why I also have an article about the things women do to destroy relationships. We all have our stuff.

      Wishing you all the best,

      Namaste

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      12 months ago from Queensland Australia

      A very good article full of excellent advice. All married men need to read this.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      12 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Norma,

      I'm sorry for your experience. You do not deserve to be treated poorly and lied to. Maintain your dignity, hold your head high and know that you are beautiful.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Norma 

      13 months ago

      Well, my life is falling apart the same thing as always i was a great woman to this man jose mendez. He was very handsome , now he is ugly and his attitude made him uglier in my eyes . He lied all trough our marriage and stiil is. A 47 year old man trying to impress i dont know who , because is not me, im sure of that. Anyway i will divorce he is not worth my time and im a beautiful woman. So i can go bymyself and my two grown children. I dont need this rat.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      13 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Emmyboy,

      You aren't married yet, and you are wise to be concerned! Marriage is not easy. It takes work, commitment and energy from both people. We all need lots of attention, men do too. There's nothing wrong with that. As partners, we give each other what we need.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      13 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Mrs. Waseem,

      Perhaps your husband is unable to contact you for some reason outside his control. Don't internalize his lack of communication. If you have a strong marriage, don't think he is ignoring you. Relax. Breathe. All will be well.

    • Emmyboy profile image

      Emmyboy 

      13 months ago from Nigeria

      Hmm...

      I am not married but I am already getting scared.

      Why?

      Of course, it seems women do need a lot of attention from their men.

      A lot of attention!

      Only God knows if I will be able to provide that for her!

    • profile image

      Mrs. Waseem 

      13 months ago

      My husband is abroad. From two weeks ago he is not calling me nor having video chat with me. We were having conflicts when he was here but those all mattera settled down. Now he is ignoring me I tried to ask him that why he is doing this but he did not answer. I m in great tension

    • profile image

      betsy 

      13 months ago

      i agree with the last, start with the RIGHT partner! marriage is completely hard and near impossible with the wrong partner, so give yourself a chance and pick the right person for the right reaasons

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      14 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @plm 1962,

      It sounds as though you went through hell and back. I'm glad you've come out the other side, hopefully with most of your sanity intact. It sounds as though you are an intelligent woman who makes pretty good decisions. I wish you all the best as you get on with the rest of your life. Keep me posted on how things go for you. I can't wait to see your flourish the way you deserve.

      All my best,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      plm1962 

      15 months ago

      Thank you for your article. so much of it "hit home for me"

      I divorced my husband for so many reasons and most of them you listed. I was married for 13.5 years. He had nothing at age 28 coming into our relationship, and I was educated with a decent salary. It wasn't until after our divorce that I truly saw him with open eyes. He was a minimalist. worked M-F 7-3, he refused extra shifts and OT. But I would sometimes work my 40 hours and then an additional 24 on the weekend. We had expensive tastes, and I thought work hard, play hard. He liked the money that I made and great cruises, timeshares, cars, homes, fancy parties. He lost his job on my 50th birthday, and let me continue to do it all for the 10 months. I begged him to find work, I was angry that I was doing it all, while he sat around drinking beer, smoking weed, playing on his computer and watching TV. We finally decided to move to a different state, for a fresh start. He did find a job that was commission only, and was fired after 8 months, because he did not bring in any money. I in the mean time was still doing it all. So now he is down 2 jobs in 1 1/2 years. I told him he had three months to find work, or he could move on, and he found a great job. We moved from an apartment to house, (we even bought this house at a clothing optional resort), The next thing you know (I was still working my butt off) and he was cheating on me. He justified it by saying "I was doing you a favor, with menopause and all" ???. then one day the police served me with a search warrant and arrested him for viewing, sharing and saving child pornography. You know he lost that new great job after 18 months (job #3 - 3 1/2 years). He is now in prison for 12 years (plea deal). and he is angry with me that I am not waiting for him. and he is threatening me with extortion if I don't leave him a bank account with 50K in it for when he gets out.

      The sex was nothing special, and I did try, he has no imagination, he cannot role play, he is lazy, I felt taken advantage of, I felt used. He is arrogant, narcissistic, and felt like he was above the law.

      I put this on here, because it heals me to read and talk about it, but for your readers, please try hard, a man should give his wife 100% and the wife should give her husband 100%.

      I started my life all over the day he went to prison.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      15 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Gazelle,

      The best you can do is decide for yourself what you want in life. If you want to stay with your husband, then you know what you're in for. Create your own life, outside a need for having him around. Do things you like, go places you enjoy, and live a life that fills meaningful for you.

      If you don't want to be with him any longer, my advice is the same. Create a life that you love.

      I wish you all the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Gazelle 

      15 months ago

      My husband like spending his time outside like going to work very early and coming back late at night when he comes back he sleeps and Wake up the next day following the same pattern from Mondays-fridays even on weekends he must find places to go and still come back late. Am tried plz what can l do?

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      15 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      That sounds like a deep, complex problem. I wish you all the best with your partner.

      Hope you can keep your own sanity and perspective.

    • profile image

      Cally 

      15 months ago

      I am not going to say my husband was lazy, drank or used drugs, I am going to say he hated the social order we lived in and wanted to bring it to it's knees before trying to work within their boundries over Time Off work he had earned, over the choice of job and shift again as he had earned, and have the holidays off as he also had earned through UAW seniority. It was bad enough trying to get him to not use that seniority that in 1987 Because I did not keep a promise about being a willing sex partner and travel companion wherever, however, and when ever he wanted his vacation after getting hinm to back off a Trip To Rome to let a Younger Seniority couple go to get married.

      It was when we came back He was planning to head out on a western road trip just as soon as he shoved everyone else out of his van and he was not going to listen to our suggestion for alternative times and placed in January and Force the change of plans to hundreds of lesser seniority because he did not want to wait six more months, and let Us try and come up with something for him In January. Well That was the start of a local Court Judge holding him to task over time off the next 13 years and At the end of those years when we had to have him Jailed and taken to work instead of take the millinial down weeks, We came back to a situation that because he had not had a day off in 18 years, and would not accept our decisions about it he started making everyones life as painful as possible because he just would not consider the alternantives that were offered by November 2001 His fathers best friend was the county coimmisiuoneer and his son wanted a job and shift my husband decided he wanted he had 214more years seniority thanj that group One was a City Councilman And two other of those young men had influencial fathers in the county and I was on My knees begging him to remove his bid and talk to his Ex Millitary friends about taking theirs down so the younger men could have that new department. I was promising the sex life I had witheld trying to get him to willingly cooperate, I told Him We could Take a vacation starting that week and I would not say a thing if he took the coming holidays, I said I just want to have our life in Peace instead of the constant war between me and him and the community, He destroyed tho0se younger men that next morning for laying there hands on him to force him to remove his bid, He left them as critical care partients in our front yard. He also kicked the front door and frame in on top of me and swore if I tried to get him hurt again I was going to die on the spot. Things ended for me trying to keep the peace in 2013 when he decided after 31 years I was going to be the wife he wanted and he Raped me over it as I begged to just try and be nice about that evening he did not have to kick everyone in the teeth over rights we could try and figure out solutions, HIs solution was we had nothing more to say about any thing in his life.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      15 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank You!

    • profile image

      enock 

      15 months ago

      helpfull

    • profile image

      bob 

      16 months ago

      Unfortunately all the points in your write up does not apply to my marriage, but yet it's a sort of unhappy relationship.

      The reason to the best of my knowledge is because I have been too nice and too afraid of divorce. Now that I have reached a point where I don't care much about the outcome of my marriage I think I have gradually finding a balance.

      I think most men are too protective of their marriage and ended up up losing it. When you are with the wrong woman or vice versa, it's important to let go immediately and find someone who is compact able with your personality.

      I have more to say but will stop here

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Merv,

      I didn't see the end of your question. But why? Why do you argue? Don't engage.

      Just because someone tries to argue doesn't mean you need to respond.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      A nony mouse 

      17 months ago

      CJ

      sorry that your marriage ended. If your wife does have contact, perhaps, say that although you know you are history, that you are truly sorry for your part in the break-up and that you wish her luck. You never know your luck, but either way, knowing what we do wrong in our relationships means that we have the tools to repair our relationships or have the knowledge to not repeat our mistakes in new relationships.

      Good luck

    • profile image

      A nony mouse 

      17 months ago

      Mayra,

      sorry that is tough, perhaps it needs to be explained to your husband that sex is better for women when they feel that they have a deep and loving connection with their partner. Without that, sex simply becomes another chore, like putting the bins out, done simply because of responsibility. Who the hell likes chores, his behaviour is sucking all the meaning out of sex for you.

    • profile image

      CJ. 

      17 months ago

      I wish my wife had showed me this and talked to me and explained how she felt, but she did not. I never stood a chance without her help. I loved her more than anything in the world and would have helped her through anything and stood by her till we were grey and old! I would have walked to the ends of the earth to save our marriage. Now all that has gone and the hurt is hard to bare. I will always love my wife even though I may never see her again. CJ.

    • profile image

      Anessa 

      17 months ago

      After crying a few times when read this I sat down with my sweet husband who I love dearly and read everything to him. I long for that loving connection we had a year ago. I have turned into that nagging nit picking wife trying to get attention. I've even managed to become physically ill. I used to be independent, strong willed, hard working and happy now I'm alone sad and in constant physical pain. I miss my husband. His distance from me is literally killing me. I understand the stress work and money but it's all he talks about, your analogy on the crock pot and microwave is spot on. I just want to thank you so much for taking the time to write it. I'm hoping that when I read it to him and him finally realizing I'm hurting so bad because I miss him he'll make an effort. Our talk after I read it, it led to him saying that he didnt realize how much I was going through and struggling with feeling alone. I know he loves me he's just a tough cookie but our marriage means the world to me. It's worth it to try to help him understand my silent struggles.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      17 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @mayra,

      I agree, that feeling used is not fun. Sexual intimacy should be satisfying and fulfilling for both parties. Maybe after being intimate, you could ask him to hold you for a while. It's important that he respond to your needs, just as you respond to his.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      17 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @andy, thanks for your interesting comments. Not everyone who marries wants to have children. Once you have made the commitment and gotten married, I think a goal for the relationship is to be peaceful and happy. Of course, this isn't the only goal, but aiming for peace and happiness is much more satisfying than planning on anger and strife. Children are not a necessary component of marriage.

      I appreciate your opinion and I agree that marriage can be a rewarding experience. It also takes work and commitment. Those things are not mutually exclusive to being peaceful and happy. Those are internal conditions that can be enhanced as one works through the challenges of being married.

      Wish you all the best,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Mayra 

      17 months ago

      Why is that every time my husband and I have sex after he just turns around and ingores me he had said communication is not important well for me it is I just want him to understand that sometimes I just want to feel love I want him to show me that he really cares not only when we have sex for me that's no fun I feel like I'm being used

    • profile image

      Andy 

      17 months ago

      Peace and happiness are the main goals of marriage ? How long have you been married? Kids? Not sure why two people would get married if this was the goal. I wanted a life partner to raise kids with, its hard, it’s work. It’s stressful, not peaceful. It’s ususall not happiness, it’s meaningful and rewarding. If you want peace and happiness people please look away from marriage, if you want meaning, commitment and all out war with yourself and your partner, welcome, and please check your ungrounded assumptions at the door, this is going to get tough and messy and might make you a better person if you can get over yourself.

    • profile image

      Lissa 

      17 months ago

      I have seen that my husband been ignoring me for the past few months and sometimes i get hurt coz i know the feeling and the luv which we always hve before seems to change.whenever i ask him to accompany me somewhere or even go for a walk like we use to do before,he seems to say something else.i feel like leaving him but i always think of my kids.he would rather say no to whatever i say but when someone else came and ask him to go wit them,he would surely get dress and leave.i have been thinking about it alot.sometimes i wonder maybe its JST be cause I'm useless to him coz I'm unemployed and he always look down on me.i kept this pain to myself and i couldn't share it to anyone.if we got into a fight,he always blame me for everything and so we slept separately always thin king if he could come up and say sorry but no.what can i do?should i leave him?am i the one to be blamed??

    • profile image

      Michelle 

      17 months ago

      I just had a birthday this week and like all other holidays my husband was gone. Hell hes gone all the time until time for bed to play poker, hang with friends , or whatever he wants. I am so tired of being lonely! To him none of his is a big deal to me it’s like I am in a competition I am so tired of the pain.

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      18 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Jacky,

      There isn't much to go on. Being in business with your partner is a difficult situation. I've done that and it was hard. We brought our business problems into our marriage, and our marital problems into our business. Have you and he thought about getting some professional counseling?

      Wish you all the best,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Jacky 

      18 months ago

      Help me please. I'm into busness with my husband we don't discuss he takes decisions on his own.he reject every thing from my side

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      18 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Maria,

      Maybe the two of you need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about your financial future. Make some goals, both short and long term. Write things down so there is no confusion. And then both of you live by what you agreed to.

      If he has OCD, then professional counseling is probably your best resource.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      18 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Tiff Wilson,

      I'm not sure what your question is, but if he's being deliberately mean, then call him out on it. Calmly and clearly tell him that his behavior is not acceptable. If you two are just bickering back and forth and being childish with each other, then you both need to grow up.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      18 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @ash,

      I agree, it's important for men (and women) to provide for the needs of their family. It's equally important not to hide behind the excuse that you're too tired, worked too hard, or don't have time to spend time with your family.

      In the end, its the relationship we nurture that are the most important things in our lives. Once the basic needs of food, shelter and clothing are met, I think spending time loving our families is more important than more stuff. But that's just my opinion.

      I know it takes a lot to support a family. I was a single mom of six kids for many years.

      And your family needs to let you know how much they appreciate and respect the hard work and time you invest to take care of them.

      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. Wish you all the best.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Tiff wilson 

      18 months ago

      What can I do ..i what to know to

    • profile image

      Tiff wilson 

      18 months ago

      I need help with my husband not being mean to me to every time to ..

    • profile image

      Tiff wilson 

      18 months ago

      Joe Wilson try to hurt my feeling every every time I don't like to go in my pass and my bab light to ..he try to make me sad to

    • profile image

      Erica 

      18 months ago

      I have been with my husband since I was a teenager. I spent my younger years clinging to him, i adored him, but only to be neglected and relentlessly put down. I never recieved compliments and my milestones were always celebrated alone. My tough days at work or stress with life and bills were not to be discussed with him as he would get angry. I worked my butt off to have what we had sometimes with no help.

      Now 20 years later he has gotten better, but my feelings toward him are bitter and my feelings have changed. We sit quietly together. I dont discuss my days, but I don't want to hear about his either, if there is opportunity to go out , im not devastated at him not wanting to be with me, we have different ideas on fun. I dont blame him for everything. But we seem to be coming to an end. Its very sad. Its almost like its too late to fix and I've stopped caring just when he finally started. Don't take your partner for granted is the life lesson.

    • profile image

      Ash Rentworth 

      18 months ago

      It always seems that biggest problem is the husband working too much. What's your advice if the husband NEEDS to work hard to put food on the table?

      I'm always willing to learn but it seems like the man working hard is rarely appreciated. I'm sure he'd like to spend more time at home with his wife and kids but sometimes it's not possible.

    • profile image

      Yolanda 

      20 months ago

      I wonder why my husband ain't spontaneous he isn't romantic he complaint when I touch him he said he isn't use to it we don't tongue kiss we don't cuddle he just has alot of complaints and it has push me away

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      20 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Linbryan,

      It sounds like you are in a difficult and painful position. Have you tried talking to him and his mother, and telling them how you feel? It's hard to stand up to bullies, but in the end, you'll have spoken your truth. Just calmly and clearly speak to them, and tell them that you can hear them, and that their unkind remarks are damaging to the family. Ask them what their intention is.

      No one gets married with the intention of divorce. It sometimes happens, and sometimes you can weather the storm. It's important to let your husband know how you feel, and ask him to speak kindly. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know how hard it is. My ex and his brother (who lived with us for about seven years) used to do the same thing to me. Speak up for yourself.

      I wish you all the best.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      20 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Sounds like you did exactly the right thing for you. I applaud your courage and strength. Getting a divorce is never easy.

      As far as Audrey is concerned, I think you're right. An ultimatum with the papers in hand is quite a different statement.

      Thanks for taking the time to write. I appreciate your insight.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Linbryan 

      20 months ago

      Hi! What if my husband has all of these. We' ve been together for 10 years and have 3 kids. I've seen signs of this behavior during our marriage but didn't make a big deal. Now that his mom is here and lives with us, my husband is showing his true colors. He's a workaholic, never spends time with me or the kids, has never put me first, never stood up for me. He badmouths me to his mom, relatives and friends. I think this is worse than cheating.He and his mom sit in the living room and talk about me while I'm in my bedroom and I can hear them. I'm staying for my kids, but I feel so lonely, sad and depressed. What should I do? Divorce is not what I had in mind when I decided to have kids. They are my everything but again I can't continue like this.

      Thanks!!

    • profile image

      A nony mouse 

      20 months ago

      In my case, yes we went to couples therapy and it helped me crystalise that tolerating the bad behaviour would not resolve the issues. So, when my ex walked out in pursuit of the other woman, I was quite relieved. Instead of chasing after him or begging or bending over backwards to please him; as he would have expected. I saw it as the opportunity to start divorce proceedings, didn't bother to issue any ultimatums. Just thought it might be a starting point for Audrey, so she could assert some boundaries in the relationship. You are right of course, it is no good issuing ultimatums unless you are prepared to act upon them. In this case, issuing an ultimatum with a divorce petition in hand is likely to result in a clear-cut answer; if it results in a breakup, then at the very least Audrey is not wasting her life with this guy and is then free to be alone or find someone more worthy of her.

      Regards from the UK

    • Deborah Demander profile imageAUTHOR

      Deborah Demander 

      20 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      A nony mouse,

      I appreciate your response to Audrey. I would add, that if you give an ultimatum, you must be ready to follow it through to the bitter end.

      Wishing you both all the best.

      Namaste

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