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Top 10 Ways Men Destroy Their Marriage

Updated on June 16, 2016
Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah is a writer, healer, and teacher. Her goal is to help people live their best lives everyday, while sharing her joy and love of life.

Neglected Wife Symptoms—Ways Husbands Destroy Their Marriages

It is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. So, while this list below may seen daunting, always remember that. If life is stressful, then work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek the things that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.

Also, while both the husband and wife should take responsibility for their part in a marriage, below are ten mistakes common to men. Read on to learn about the behaviors of men which can completely destroy a marriage.

1. Leaving Her Alone

One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to leave your wife alone. This means things like spending long hours at work and following it up by a beer or several afterward with the guys. Then, when you get home, you don't engage her or your children. Instead, you lose yourself in baseball or computer poker. Also, on the weekends, you'll complain about the messy house, then leave to run errands, and then you don't come back for several hours.

One of the most most miserable experiences for a wife is that feeling of isolation when her husband emotionally leaves the relationship. Yes, she has friends and a job. Yes, she spends a lot of time running the kids around and partaking in activities outside of her husband. It's not the same. Her desire is to spend time with you, the man she loves. To be left alone by her husband causes deep heartache for women. For most women, their largest fears boil down to isolation and deprivation. When she feels abandoned by you, she attacks with hurtful and disrespectful behavior. Her ability to verbally hurt you is her strongest weapon, and she uses it out of fear in an effort to try to get your attention.

When a wife begins to nag because you never spend time at home, never hang out with her, and never engage with the kids, chances are she is feeling abandoned and isolated. When you stop spending time together, the emotional distance between you two grows quickly.

Leaving your wife alone or not paying enough attention to her could create more distance than you realize.
Leaving your wife alone or not paying enough attention to her could create more distance than you realize.

2. Not Getting Close Enough

Your wife feels energized when she feels close to you. Refusing to let her know you is destructive to her and your marriage. While you strive to keep your independence, she longs to connect with you. It is not fair to either of you if you are only affectionate and attentive on the days you want sex or something from her. Affection and closeness ought to be an end in themselves, not a means to a different end.

Talking is not the only way women feel close, although it is an important one. Simple ways to fulfill your wife in this area are to hug her often, hold her hand, and to spend some time alone with her. When her need for closeness is met, she will be more inclined to respect your need for independence. When your wife feels close to you, she will also be more willing to engage with you on a more intimate, sexual level.

The important thing to remember is to help her feel connected. Try talking to her about your day, your fears, hopes, and dreams. Hold her hand when you go out together. Kiss her unexpectedly in the kitchen while she makes dinner. Sit next to her. Ask her how she is doing, and for a few minutes, give her your undivided attention while she answers. A little bit will go a long way and mean everything to her and, in turn, your marriage.

2.5. Closing Yourself Off to Her

Women exist as an integrated circuit. The mind, body, and soul are closely linked — so, hurt feelings affect the entire system. A wife whose spirit is crushed may suffer from fatigue and confusion. Like a strand of Christmas lights — when one light goes out, they all go dark. Men compartmentalize. If one light goes out on his strand, all the other lights function properly, unaffected. Men are able to fully function when one area of their lives is not working properly.

Your wife does not understand the closed-off and mysterious way you operate. Things don't seem to bother you. You never want to talk to her. She knows you are stressed about work, yet you don't show it or express that further to her. She wonders how you can even function. Your wife is not trying to pry or sneak her way into no-man's land. She simply wants you to be open. She wants to truly see you. She feels loved when you share your fears, worries, and troubles. She wants to be that person for you and committed to being so when you got married. She won't try to fix you. She will listen.

Try talking to her about what is going on in your life. Women like to vent, without seeking a solution, and she wants to give you the freedom to share yourself verbally.

Men: don't compartmentalize. Tell your wife what is going on.
Men: don't compartmentalize. Tell your wife what is going on.

3. Always Trying to "Fix" Her

Even when she doesn't always say it, your wife sees you as her strength. As the bearer of her burdens. When she comes to you for help to lighten the load from the weight of her world, it is a compliment. She knows you can handle it.

Rather than trying to resolve and repair every issue, however, try to just listen to her. You might even ask if she needs a solution or just an ear. It will be a relief for both of you when you realize that sometimes you don't have to fix all the problems. Furthermore, when you listen, she will feel like you understand her (even if you don't, which is okay).

4. Never Saying "I'm Sorry."

All marriages have conflict. The refusal to apologize is a quick way to destroy yours. While conflict is not a pleasant thing, growth and closeness can increase as conflict is resolved. For your wife, an apology means she has moved forward through the conflict, and she is now seeking peace.

Many husbands see apologizing as a sure sign of weakness. They think, "If I apologize, she won't respect me." On the contrary, if you humbly apologize and ask her forgiveness, your wife will be putty in your hands. Your small act of contrition soothes her spirit, and acts as a healing balm over her heart. Furthermore, it shows that you're open and willing to make things work, that you care enough to admit to your faults and move past and through them.

5. Taking Her Insecurities Too Lightly

Your wife knows she is highly committed to you. When she sees you looking at other women, in the mall, on TV, on the computer, and in other places, she fears that you may be unfaithful and at the very least, it may make her uncomfortable and question your attraction to them, especially if she is solely just looking at you. Regardless, she is insecure and needs your reassurance, not any belittling, joking, or teasing. These activities all devalues her feelings, which are real. When you stare at a cute young thing as she saunters by, it may be a reminder to your wife of her many imperfections. She feels insecure because she wants to know that you still love her and you looking at other women may not be so reassuring of that. It's okay for you to look at other women, in fact, it's perfectly natural. The danger is when you are blatant and aggressive, disregarding your wife's feelings and staring in spite of her discomfort.

Your wife is motivated by your love and loyalty. She has committed her life to you, and wants to feel secure in the fact that you are equally committed to her. A big symbol of your loyalty to your wife is a wedding ring. For a woman, this is a sign of your fidelity. A married man without a ring seems to be trying to hide something. This requires very little effort, if any, on your part to reassure your wife in this way, and yet it would mean the world to her. Her peace of mind ought to be worth the cost of an inexpensive, outward expression of your fidelity. You have nothing to hide. A ring is a simple, outward expression of your devotion to your wife and to your marriage. This small gesture can have deep impact.

When your wife feels insecure, she may ask if you still think she is pretty. She may ask if you love her. She may ask if you think someone else is more attractive. This is not a trap. She feels she is moving toward you, by asking a question and starting a conversation. Talking is how women feel close. She is seeking your assurance of love and loyalty. Rather than make light of the moment, look at her. No, really look at her. Tell her she is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. Give her the assurance she seeks, and ease her troubled mind.

6. Ignoring the Importance of Simple Gestures

Your wife does not require fancy jewelry or expensive meals. Granted, those things are nice, and you like to treat your wife. However, it isn't always necessary.

She feels most loved by the small tokens of your love and appreciation. When you neglect the small things, it may feel to her like you are trying to buy her affection — or ease your own guilt — with the big things. Let your wife know that she is on your mind during the day. A single rose when you walk in the door speaks volumes to her language of love. Give her a call or send her a text during the day to let her know you are thinking of her. Offer to help with dinner, or wash the dishes. These are small gifts of your time that mean the world to your wife.

For your wife, the most important days of the year are her birthday and the day she married you. Celebrate these days by spending time with just her. It will mean more than any expensive gift ever could. The cost of the gift is secondary to the thought you put into it. She wants to feel special and important to you. The way to help her feel loved is to spend time with her alone. Even if you sit home and watch a movie, give her your undivided attention.

A simple gesture like a nice cake on your wife's birthday (or any day, if she's a fan of sweets) can do more than you realize.
A simple gesture like a nice cake on your wife's birthday (or any day, if she's a fan of sweets) can do more than you realize.

7. Taking All the Fun Out of Sex

When you confuse sex with intimacy, it's no fun. When you only focus on your own orgasm, it's no fun. When you only show interest in your wife when you want to get lucky, it's no fun. When you devalue the depth of your sexual relationship with crude jokes and pornography, it's no fun. When you expect her to get excited instantly, it's no fun. When you neglect your wife's sexual needs, it's no fun.

When you are married, sex is supposed to be fun.

An intimate sharing, designed to bring you closer, sex should cement the bond between you. For example, think of your wife as a crockpot. Meanwhile, in this comparison, you are a microwave. Put a meal in a microwave, and you are eating within three minutes. A crockpot meal takes a lot of forethought. You need the proper ingredients. You have to put everything together, turn it on, and wait. Six or eight hours later, you enjoy a delicious meal. Your wife needs the same thoughtful consideration. Start in the morning with a kiss. Tell her she's beautiful. Women never get tired of hearing that from the man they love. Help get the kids ready for school. After work, ask about her day.

Slow, slow, slow. If you want to bring the fun back into sex, think crockpot, not microwave. You can microwave in the shower (not literally, obviously).

8. Getting Lost in Bitterness and Anger

When you shut your wife out to brood in your despair, it fills her with fear. Women like to talk things out. Men like to shut things out. When you feel stressed about work, about money, about your relationship, you turn inward. This provokes your wife's fear of abandonment and rejection.

She thinks you don't love her when you refuse to speak. This fear, and her desire to resolve conflict, cause your wife to pursue you. She wants to talk it out, not to belittle or demean you, but to feel closer. She wants you to trust her, so she can trust you. She follows you around, asking if everything is alright. You run away from her and avoid wanting to discuss what is bothering you. She knows something is wrong, and she begins to assume that she is the problem.

You can stop this train wreck before it happens by opening up to your wife. She loves you. You can trust her. Share your real feelings with her, and she will open her heart to you.

9. Not Taking Responsibility

Whether it's an addiction, an affair or poor performance in your life, many times, husbands point to their wives as the reason for their weakness. "She makes me drink because of her nagging. I cheated because she wouldn't take care of me. I'm doing poorly because she never encourages me."

It's time to take full responsibility for your own behavior. You need to take ownership of your actions. You choose to drink. You choose to cheat. You choose to work or not work. You actively do all these things on your own. Rather than blaming someone or something else, stand up and take control. Make your life reflect the values you desire. Your life is completely under your control. Today, you can choose differently. You can create exactly the life you want. Furthermore, if your wife really is the root of all the problems in your life, then take control of that as well and man up and tell her the truth. She can't change if you aren't willing to express the problem.

If you have an addiction or problem, don't always blame your wife.
If you have an addiction or problem, don't always blame your wife.

10. Picking the Wrong Woman. Again.

A woman in distress, who just moves from crisis to crisis, will continue to be in distress after you marry her. A nitpicking woman who criticizes your every decision will continue to nitpick. A control freak always wants control, even after the wedding. The bottom line is: if she is the wrong woman before the marriage, she'll be the wrong woman when and after you get married.

If you want a nice wife, then date a nice woman and marry her. Treat her with love and respect and she will return the kindness. Trying to rescue a woman in distress will only lead you to feel used and unappreciated. A strong marriage begins with a good-willed woman and a good-willed man. It flourishes as you both grow in love and respect toward each other.

Choosing the wrong woman sets you up for failure every time. Although you might like the feeling of being a knight in shining armor rescuing a damsel in distress, the reality of being married is much harder and much less idealistic. Marriage takes work, from both the husband and the wife. When both are committed to making the marriage a good experience, then it has a better chance of succeeding.

Work on Yourself

While this list may seem daunting, it is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. If life is stressful, work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek those thing that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.

Video: Love and Respect

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    • Lady Guinevere profile image

      Debra Allen 7 years ago from West By God

      Great points and great article! Thumbs up!

    • lmmartin profile image

      lmmartin 7 years ago from Alberta and Florida

      All the things I said on your previous article -- about how women destroy a marriage -- hold true here. Well written and full of wisdom. Thanks Deborah.

    • profile image

      Martyjay 7 years ago

      A strong list. Lessons to be learned and confirmed. Not only for myself but all men. Well written. Thank you.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 7 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you for your comments. And thanks for reading.

    • Micky Dee profile image

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      It's so hard to get the "right", keep the "right", make it "right".

      I put all my details, particulars, and peculiarities,etc. into this computer program and this computer would tell me the ideal mate for me. The computer printed out a picture of a stop sign.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 7 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Now that sounds like a smart computer. Was it an ipad?

    • Lisi Hansen profile image

      Lisi Hansen 7 years ago

      You pointed some truths in this hub. Nicely done!

    • terced ojos profile image

      terced ojos 7 years ago from terced_ojos@yahoo.com

      It will undoubtedly sound like an oxymoron indeed you will think to yourself. Duh.

      The list is simple. You would think these things would be easy to do.

      Unfortunately men and women always find a way to get in the way of themselves.

      Ces't La Vie.

      Great Hub!

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 7 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks for stopping by Lisi, I appreciate you reading.

      Terced ojos, you would think it simple, but you are exactly right. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. Thanks for stopping.

      Namaste.

    • darrylcrawford profile image

      DARRYL WILLIAM CRAWFORD 7 years ago from Philadelphia PA to Tucson AZ.

      Outstanding this is very good. Thank you for your hub. I agree these things are not good to do at all. I've never been married and this advice is music to my ears. I've taken notes on this subject with many happily married men because I'm a big believer in marriage. I'm so glad you wrote this hub. I will be following you and rating this hub today.

    • Aley Martin profile image

      Alice Lee Martin 7 years ago from Sumner, Washington,USA

      Wonderful.....!

    • Cactrot profile image

      Cactrot 7 years ago

      Most of the people I know who've been through a bunch of divorces are victims of #10 for sure. Yikes.

    • kdev23 profile image

      kdev23 6 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      Seems like my wife makes these mistakes instead of me. I'm not saying I'm not guilty of any of them, but when I do the things mentioned above I'm either a) weak or b) cheating somehow because I'm being too nice. I think I'm guilty of #10, then. Regardless of my situation, this is good advice.

    • Jettika profile image

      Jettika 6 years ago

      OHh this is a great Hub! I just have to agree with all of it.

    • FirstStepsFitness profile image

      FirstStepsFitness 6 years ago

      Great Hub Welcome to HubPages :)

    • PR_am profile image

      PR_am 6 years ago from Oregon

      Every couple should see this; well not only reading but taking note of these important points that I agree are among the marriage-killers.

      Great hub! Five stars!

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks for reading, PR_am. I agree that if we all paid attention to the important relationships in our lives, we would be happier.

      Namaste.

    • Neil Sperling profile image

      Neil Sperling 6 years ago from Port Dover Ontario Canada

      excellent hub - I passed all but 10....LOL

      Now I want a partner - not a project!

      Love your wisdom!

    • Neil Sperling profile image

      Neil Sperling 6 years ago from Port Dover Ontario Canada

      LOL - I meant number 10 - not all 10

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Neil, thanks for reading. Nine out of ten is pretty good. You are wise to forgo the project woman, and look for a partner.

      Namaste.

    • Denise Handlon profile image

      Denise Handlon 6 years ago from North Carolina

      Well written hub full of useful advice. I enjoy your analogies. Never considered men and women to be like a microwave/crockpot, LOL but it works! Clever. I also liked the wonderful youtube piece-funny!

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks for stopping by Denise, I'm glad you enjoyed the hub. I appreciate your kind comments.

      Namaste.

    • minakay profile image

      The Rev. Kelechi Timothy Francis 6 years ago from Rivers State, Nigeria

      Three Thumbs up. I believe every word you said and your advice, mmmmmhmm PERFECT! I appreciate u sharing this. Keep going, Deborah.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks minakay! I always appreciate your kind comments.

      Namaste friend.

    • Brutus Orkney profile image

      Brutus Orkney 6 years ago from AZ

      Wow, many of these hit home...the crock pot analogy was brilliant and the "don't try to constantly fix the issues," comment is so true. Listening: what a novel concept! Thanks for a great read.

    • profile image

      writeronline 6 years ago

      Hi Deborah, this is all good stuff, and nicely put together (imho). As a man who's been happily married for over 40 years, I've got a fair understanding of the trials and triumphs that marriage entails. But the part of your piece that made me pause, was your comment about not wearing a wedding ring. On our wedding day, when my wife put her ring on my finger, I felt incredibly blessed and proud; and apart from a couple of times when medical procedures have required it, I've worn it every day since. My wife has an interesting view on it. She's always said that, instead of "sisters doing it for themselves", too many sisters are doing it TO themselves, and that for some, a man's wedding ring represents both an opportunity (if he can be tempted), and a challenge (if he hasn't yet been). To me, it's always been a badge of fidelity, but I've nevertheless had my share of encounters which add credibility to my wife's observation. (When I was younger...lol).

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks for your comments writeonline. You are a lucky man, to share your life with someone you love. And your wife is a lucky woman. Bless you.

      Namaste.

    • SmartBux profile image

      SmartBux 5 years ago

      And occasionally not buying her an expensive (wedding) ring ?

      The Wedding Rings at http://www.expensiveweddingring.com have quite huge price-tags !!

    • PeanutButterWine profile image

      PeanutButterWine 5 years ago from North Vancouver, B.C. Canada

      Great hub voted up and facebook shared! :)

    • Phil Plasma profile image

      Phil Plasma 5 years ago from Montreal, Quebec

      This is really timely for me, I needed to read this to remind me what is both helpful and required. Thanks for having written this. I will come back to it often. Points 5 & 6 are the ones I need to focus on at the moment.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 5 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Phil, thanks for your honesty and introspection. That is really an important first step to any healthy relationship.

      Namaste.

    • profile image

      Trace 4 years ago

      My Name is Mrs Trace, I was married to my husband for 8years and we were both bless with three children, living together as one love, until 2010 when things was no longer the way the was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 6 months after, he stated sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave him the job. since that day, when i called him, he don’t longer pick up my calls and nothing since to come out good. Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the new girl friend till Dr.Magbu cast a spell for me,now is with me and me only.And i am happy with my family if you need his help contact on via email,Reunitingexspell@gmail.com

    • cam8510 profile image

      Chris Mills 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO until the end of June, 2017

      I enjoyed this article very much. My wife passed away four and a half years ago, but I recognize much of what you describe in your hub. With any luck I'll need these ideas in the future. My favorite point: "You can microwave in the shower."

    • LouTucci profile image

      LouTucci 4 years ago

      Sounds to me like you chose the wrong guy...man, you should hear my stories of my past! Getting kicked out of my house. Having my children ripped out of my arms dozens of times over...you are not alone. But I never found out how many men have been victimized until it happened to me.

    • profile image

      James 4 years ago

      This is a wonderful and informative article i would urge all men who love their wives to read. Good Work Deborah

    • profile image

      loutucci 4 years ago

      get counseling, you must've done something...it's usually the woman's fault.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 4 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      James, thank you for the feed back. Oftentimes, men and women both do things without thinking that derail what is otherwise a happy relationship.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 4 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Of course, loutucci, you are welcome to your opinion. I might suggest that you control the urge to tell people what to do. And the fact that you blame women for what is wrong in your life probably explains why you are an angry and lonely man. Good luck.

      Namaste

    • LouTucci profile image

      LouTucci 4 years ago

      Ain't no lonely in this mans life. You sure you're not a lesbo?

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 4 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      You sure you aren't my ex-husband?

      Obviously, you haven't bothered to read The Married Girls Guide to Great Sex. That should allay your concerns.

      Thanks for stopping by. Again.

    • profile image

      me 3 years ago

      This made me cry. My husband is guilty of all except #4. He does say "I'm sorry but its either with a sarcastic tone, or a "please get off my back". tone

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 3 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      I am sorry for your sadness.

    • profile image

      me 3 years ago

      I had my husband read this tonight when he came home, had dinner, and relaxed a little. I asked him what he thought and he said itsounded like I wrote it! He apologized for doing all of these things just as he had 200+ times before. I don't know if anything will be different for any longer than 3 days. :( I'm hoping that now that he sees that I'm not crazy and other women feel like I do, that he'll stick to his promise of being an overall more caring, considerate, loving husband. Fingers crossed*

    • profile image

      Mitzy 3 years ago

      I am a very STRONG believer in God's plan for marriage. I am not a religious nut, in fact don't even go to church, however it is beautiful in its simplicity. It holds the man not entitled but responsible for the care of the marriage and the woman.

      I know many many men who "pick" the right woman only to treat her so horribly, and become competitive, and out to win by domination, subjugation, over control (while not applying their rules of engagement to themselves), jealousy (of her mother, father, friends, and yep, their children, her hobbies well, you name it) as they have been wrongly told this is how you keep a woman and be a man.

      I have heard men joke, belittle women, objectify them, and brag about their lies to women. I have seen men put everything and everyone first on their list but the wife and her "needs" or those of the family as important at all, and just assign those things as the wife's responsibility. They joke and laugh and lie their way out of all home-based responsibility. Who think because they may work outside the home, they are entitled to be free from ANY and ALL responsibilities IN the home.

      Then they actually think they can come home and do the right thing by the wife. Or over time they become obsessed with how "manly" they are to keep the little woman in line.

      They are so egotistical they cannot hear one thing about themselves that isn't totally positive, and they expect those positive strokes while totally downgrading wife, and her feminine constantly. They rarely, if ever sincerely show any appreciation for the wife, and less, if she doesn't work outside the home.

      These are frequently the same men that blame the failure of the marriage on the woman, and continue to further tell anyone and everyone who they can or will listen to them how the marriage failure was all her fault, and bemoan how SHE got the house, kids and all their money in the divorce.

      Of course, they never realize that HE was rarely IN that house, nor did he take any interest in fixing, maintaining, or putting of his money into the house, and or rarely spent any time with those CHILDREN, and failed to understand or care how many times he told her it was his MONEY, or how he withheld it from his family to be in control.

    • profile image

      Mitzy 3 years ago

      I have a husband, who, as we speak is living in his own apartment, with only himself to deal with (well he does have a TV and all his "awards") who STILL lectures me about responsibility, and tells ME what to do and how to do it. I so appreciate his input. NOT, Yep, he is a great "fixer" of everyone but himself.

      The only thing he misses, is HIS money. He is about to be an ex, and yet he STILL thinks it is my job to see to his needs, calls himself a victim and yes, bemoans how unfair this all is. I have a lot of practice by his example of , not listening. He was so "great" at that one, not listening. Slow learner too, I am his third ex. Should have known. He "picks" the right women, he just can't get over himself enough to love anyone else.

    • profile image

      Mitzy 3 years ago

      As to the crockpot vs microwave. Well, we all know just how delicious microwave food is. It is fast, but that is about all you can say about it. Even food in a crockpot, loses it enjoyment without some spice, variety and careful choosing of the ingredients that go in.

    • Ebonny profile image

      Ebonny 3 years ago from UK

      I'm sure most everyone can relate to many of the points you raise. No. 8 - bitterness and anger, fear and wanting to resolve conflict is particularly thought provoking. Thanks for sharing. Voted up and more.

    • profile image

      winnie k 3 years ago

      Can you email this to my husband..these are things I've tried to tell him but he thinks its just me and that I'm crazy...he always shuts me out or if we argue he won't talk to me at all and it only makes me feel like he hates me!! I have to pretty much begg him to apologize when he hurts my feelings..and when I'm crying over it he tells me i should just stop!!!!! SERIOUSLY I NEED THIS SENT TO HIM OR ELSE HE WON'T READ IT!!!

    • profile image

      des 2 years ago

      loved it

    • profile image

      martymar 2 years ago

      Ill take single life not worth the headache

    • profile image

      tara 2 years ago

      Wow. Very nicely written. Now I know I'm not crazy! Thank you for affirming my feelings. Now if only my husband would stumble across this read and apply the suggestions...one can wish anyhow. I've become a professional co-exister within an affection-less marriage.

    • profile image

      Steph Trull 2 years ago

      You may have saved my marriage...I just had an extremely firm conversation last night that I was leaving him if he didn't straighten up and act like my husband and not my roommate. Someone who knew we were having issues must have sent him this...and he posted it to FB and it opened up a whole new chapter for me....I love him, trust him, but I am always begging for love, affection and attention. Thank you!

    • profile image

      Gearond@sbcglobal.net 2 years ago

      Telling women your fears and problems is a PLOT against men,s mental health. A man is supposed to listen to a woman's fears and make her feel secure, That's good as long as it doesn't get to ne her only way ti handle problems and she still continues to grow as an adult. Now tirn that around. How can someone who os usually looking to have her fears mollified be of any help when her savior has fears? SHE CAN'T. What she will usually do is get even MORE afraid than him and start asking him to make her feel better which makes ot worse foe him. This is pretty universal among women of child bearing age. It's a falsehood that a man kind find much support in his darkest hours from most women he might marry. (So glad that I choose carefully now) This cultural lie is also why most men can identify woth Jack Nicholson's character in 'As Good as it Gets' when he describes how he understood women to write love novels for them.

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      sara 2 years ago

      In that movie Nicholson played a man with multiple mental health issues, OCD with strong narcissistic and schizophrenic tendencies. I don't think most men identify with that character. After reading your post, I can see why you do. Just something to think about. There is help out there.

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      pamela 2 years ago

      Spot on!! Very interesting read!

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      sikin wahab 2 years ago

      It struck close to home.. i am shock to read it. Its like someone has written my life story, my biography. Its all happened to me.. all 10 of it. He has some good thing about him too, i cant say his all bad. It just that.. its kill me slowly with this thing he does. I chose to be happy this past 3 years, bring out the positive in me. Its for the sake of my children. They need a positive sarrounding not a suicidal mom. They are the rock of my world.

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      sikin wahab 2 years ago

      I want to share this on my wall.. how can i do that?

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      MAZC 2 years ago

      I'm sorry but in your post towards the end you mention the "main goal of marriage." I'd like to respectfully disagree with your assessment. Peace and happiness come from entering in the earthly Covenant of Marriage to provide a stable home for children to grow. We are charged to rear godly offspring for His Glory. Leading a Christian life and living a Marriage for God provides the happiness and peace you speak of which are not the goals.

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      Kendall 2 years ago

      I heard a perfect sermon. How to talk and treat your spouse. Luckily my husband and I were there together. Since then our relationship has gown ever better than I ever thought it would. Men speak in Black and White, we speak in body language. Learn to speak his language and don't expect him to know yours. For example, a child is squirming and a father will say "sit still" and a mother will say " they have to go to the bathroom". Not worth a fight. Life is too short to spend fighting.

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      Samnang 2 years ago

      I have a geat experience how to make a sweet love, Thanks for page owner who write this topic and learn about love...

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      devotedwife 2 years ago

      I take my marriage vows very seriously. I would never have any type of lust in my heart because I'm devoted to my husband. However, my husband is constantly accusing me of seeing someone or messing around. He's also always telling me our marriage isn't working out but then the next second he's telling me how much he loves me. I'm so confused and honestly his constant accusations are making me numb and I don't want anything to do with him anymore. I'm at a total loss.

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      unhappywife 2 years ago

      Oh wow! Reading this was like reading the story of my life. Ive been married 11 years and I am ready to walk away. The only thing keeping me here is my children. My husband is guilty of all of these things, so much so that when we are together, we don't even know how to spend quality time together. We usually don't talk. I was home from work for half an hour yesterday before he even realized and acknowledged that I was home. The worst part is....he thinks everything is fine and has no clue just how unhappy I am. I know I have faults too but at this point I'm emotionally disconnected and ready to give up. A start to fixing us is so simple....start with 1-10.

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      Scotty D 2 years ago

      Amazing as I read this article I realized that the roles in my marriage are almost exactly reversed. Except for #6 maybe, but that's "men", right? I've been married a little over a year now. I like to please my wife and do anything I can to make her day less stressful. My wife has a 6 year old son, which is now my step-son of course. We both work full time jobs, but I handle just about everything for her son. I don't mind doing it, but I sometimes feel like she takes advantage of my efforts. Anyway, I almost felt less manly as I read this. Like I'm doing too much and not getting enough in return (is that possible?).. Great article!

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      daniel 2 years ago

      Seriously lol. I get stressed out over one small thing like a pen not working, and it fucks with me that whole day. Don't say its just women that cant function properly still when they get stressed.

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      Mokonu 2 years ago

      Great article. Every point made sense. I am divorced now, but #10 is the reason why. I kept picking the wrong women. I decided not to do the choosing but be chosen by the women. I feel that God does influence those that comes into our lives, so the right woman will come into my life. I will definitely remember what I learned reading this article if the opportunity comes again. Thanks for writing this. Wish I could share it on my FB though to help others.

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      Joe 2 years ago

      This is hub is perpetuating a one dimensional view of women. That all women have the same love language for instance or that all women are "crock pots", they aren't . Plus this is one more of the countless posts about men needing to change to who they are please their wives and make the marriage better. Men are expected to change who they are and be more female because that is the "right" way and the man's way is bad. If men internalize and don't want to talk don't say that he must change this to be more like his wife and share, perhaps she could be more like her husband and not share. If everyone is equal and only different stop saying men need to change everything.

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      Joe 2 years ago

      I apologize for my typos.

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      Mannie C. 2 years ago

      Where's 5th list of the 10 things that women do?

      Because I am living the opposite of this page.

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      Debra Jenkins 2 years ago

      This list was my marriage to a tee and after 20 years he walked out the door blaming it all on me and all I ever did was try to support him at work and to talk to him but I was just left at home alone all the time feeling so insecure and afraid there was something else going on. I just hate that he can't see where HE went wrong and played his part in the demise of such a long marriage and how quickly he was willing to throw it away without a second thought

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      melissa 2 years ago

      How can I post this article on FB

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      becky 2 years ago

      yep, #3 & 5

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      the dude 2 years ago

      You forgot, when they're breathing#

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      Tonya 2 years ago

      Looks like this is what's happening to my marriage. Ughhhh

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      guest 2 years ago

      Interesting how this says men, rather than things people can do. Is it only men that do these things? I guess if you want women to share it you have to blame someone

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks for sharing your comments.

      Actually, I have a different blog called the top ten things women do to mess up their marriage.

      Marriage is a two way street. We all have to give and take. We have to take responsibility for our own actions and our own emotions.

      I think when two people are willing to make a marriage work, they will do what they can.

      Thanks for reading, and for commenting.

      And to share on Facebook, there should be a tab at the top, on the right side of the page with a Facebook icon.

      Namaste, friends

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      stayathomedad 2 years ago

      I think the advice in the article is all pretty great advice for humans. I think the author gets way to caught up in gender stereotypes and and can't really conceive of men/women having emotional priorities outside of her labels. Lines like "While you strive to keep your independence, she longs to connect with you." Make it abundantly clear that she thinks men and women are fundamentally different creatures, no-ifs-and-or-buts. I think most of her sweeping generalizations are insulting to BOTH genders. "Her desire is to spend time with you, the man she loves." implies that men do NOT desire to spend time with their spouses. The whole Christmas lights analogy seems incredibly demeaning to women, and the sex stuff (in which you're suppose to lay out a calculated day full of deliberate affectionate in order to get laid that night) seemed pretty insincere, even though it wasn't meant to be.

      Bottom line, I would love this article if it took out the gender roles and acknowledged that you and your spouse are emotional different in some ways, similar in others. Then the title could be "Here are some things that may be problematic for you and your spouse if each come at that topic from a different place." (Okay, that's a terrible title but you get the idea)

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      nur5eky 2 years ago

      Wise words. Just read the post on what women do to destroy marriage as well as this one and you are spot on with everything. Even though we are all different, a lot of these things seem to be fairly universal and i must say I am extremely blessed to have my husband. Yes he does a few of these. He doesn' t say sorry as much as I would like and sometimes his listening skills aren' t all there but he' s not perfect and neither am i. Open discussion about what we can do better is a necessity in any marriage and when you place blame on your spouse rather than looking at your own actions as well culminates in broken relationships. I believe that the most important goal of marriage is to glorify our heavenly Father through our earthly relationships and that can grate against our very human behaviours. We celebrate 15 years of marriage in January and I think instead of him planning a surprise for us, I will plan it. Thankyou for you post!

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      Charlie 2 years ago

      Some suggestions are great, most repetitive. You wrote in suggestion 4 to never say you're sorry, but then explained that a husband should apologize. Get on top of your writing. In #9, you suggest taking responsibility. I agree, but this is not solely a husband, or a wife's job. This is a grown ass adult's job. finally, number 10? Really ? Your advice is a passive- aggressive diatribe of men picking the wrong person? Wake up call. .. so do women. Stop trying to create a dichotomy of men v.s. women. That's known. Start trying to create a real understanding and bridge the gap. Writing an article that promotes the "you go girl" or some douche promotion of "bitches ain't shit, bros before hoes" bullshit just further purposes the bipartisan climate that exists and has apparently always existed. Hope you made a few bucks on this perpetual media crap.

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      micah 2 years ago

      Actually these things go both ways. I'm always weary of gender based topics since everyone is different. One thing I disagree with is the change thing. Based on my life span course and my own personal experiences and observations, women try to change men more than the other way around.

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      Kris 2 years ago

      Thank you, stayathomedad! I was reading through the comments in disbelief that no one else saw how gender bias this is! I've been a (mostly) happily married woman for 11 years now, and this article was excruciatingly insulting.

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      haleigh 2 years ago

      I sent this to my boyfriend of 5 years who works away during the week and comes home for the weekend to be with me and our 2 kids......the only thing he took out of this is #10 because I b**ch "all the time"............yea

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      Domino 2 years ago

      I have already messed up I did #10 den I killed it more I apologize but hadn't "admitted" to all the wrong done... We have a son and r not married. I need help.

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      JP 2 years ago

      Very good article, although I am single its difficult for me to relate to a marriage way of life with kids and all the responsibility that goes with it...I think both husband and wife need to pay attention to their relationship.....the divorce rate in this country is astounding....OK next article...Top 10 Things Women Do To Destroy Their Marriage

    • LouTucci profile image

      LouTucci 2 years ago

      once again a woman blaming a man for her failures in life. I suggest you get help.

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      Guns 2 years ago

      I would respond that if the wife will turn on the "microwave" daily, or at least 4 or 5 times each week that she would never have to worry about 4 or five of the 10 you listed. Most men, especially young men want to have a warm "Hot Pocket" ready for them much more often than they get in their marriage.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      I appreciate all of you taking the time to read this article, and to comment upon it.

      Namaste

    • Akshayy Rohida profile image

      akshay 2 years ago from goa ,india

      totally true

      i agree

      mutual understanding is required for strong relationship

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      lori in ga 2 years ago

      Wow I dont think I could Have found a better article at a better time..I read it and sent to my husband to read it..I myself Have been guilty of a lot of things but Where ive read its a womans fear of isolation..that couldn't be more true and it is currently mine..ive tried to express it but ive been goimg about it all wrong..ive got some thoughts and actions to work on i can only hope he reads it as Well and works on them as well..thank you for this..I Have hope i can now save my 16 yr marriage with it

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Mutual understanding is important.

      Lori, I hope this will help your marriage. And you might check out my article, 10 things women do to mess up their marriage. Perhaps it will give you some additional insight into your husband.

      Namaste

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      BB Hall 2 years ago

      Some of these are true. Thing is some of this is past down from his parents and have been in 3 other marriages I'm the 4th and have notice a pattern. Only stays married for a short while. Talks about how we hold him back how he works too hard to just let money go and supporting step kids and his kids are all gone now don't have time to just give his money away to kids that aren't his. But tells me he loves me but then tells me I couldn't make it on my own. He reminds me of my ex husband only one ex husband. I guess I'm done trying everything I do or try to do isn't good enough. Just giving up.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      BB Hall,

      I am sorry to hear you are giving up. However, it sounds as if your husband, perhaps is resentful of you and your children.

      You can make it on your own, and you might find that you are happier and healthier. Best wishes to you as you move forward,

      Namaste

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      crazy 2 years ago

      I think thr must be an article on same page for 10 things women do to destroy their marriages... secondly its all bookish and rubbish theories, practical life is so differnet, one has to realise the facts and make their life accordingly. no need to follow any article and rubbish theories. God has bleesed us with a mind and sense, its better to get in use while going for any else.

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      Roy 2 years ago

      My wife emailed me this article about a month ago. I admit I was a bit offended at first. Seemed to me that she was highlighting everything I was doing wrong and pointing the finger... I misjudged her intentions... She gave me the divorce papers a week ago. Now when I read this I have a completely different perspective. Now I think she was trying to let me know what I needed to work on without saying it because she knew I would have been VERY defensive. I realize that now. I was dead to rights on 8 of the 10.

      As a man, I recommend wives talk to your husbands on these things before it's too late.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Crazy, of course you don't have to follow any advice you read, anywhere. These are suggestions for husbands who want to improve their relationship.

      Roy, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It is never too late to change. You can start today, to be the man you would like to be. Maybe she will see a difference in you. And maybe she won't. You can only improve yourself, and be the man you are called to be. And you can make that decision in each moment.

      Good luck on the journey,

      Namaste

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      Beena 2 years ago

      This is so true for so many people. Men today lack commitment and honesty that's required in a relationship. Most of them cheat and invest their energies elsewhere. If they were true and honest with the one relationship that matters the most, they won't face all the issues that surface at very late stages. Women can put all the effort and can live with anything except for men who cheat on them. Some men who cheat blame their wives for the cheating but at the end of the day you do what you want to do. And the only person responsible for cheating is you and no one else. Cheating is easy. Weak men do that. Strong is he who stays loyal to a relationship even when they have chances.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Beena,

      Thanks for your thoughtful input. Being in a long term, committed relationship is hard work, for both parties. But, as you say, in the end, we all have choices, and we all do what we want to.

      Thanks for reading,

      Namaste

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      Adambizzel 2 years ago

      Wish I would have read this 10 months ago I might still be married but not cause of all of those but def some

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      Charles 2 years ago

      Thank you for this list. I have been trying to get rid of the wife for ten years now and she just will not leave. I will work some of these new ideas into the mix.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Adambizzel, Marriage is definitely a two way street. Hopefully, the above tips will help you with future relationships, if it is too late now.

      Charles, you're a funny man. Best of luck to you!

      Namaste

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      Kim 2 years ago

      This is a step by step of why my marriage failed. I hope it someone will read and save their marriage.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Kim,

      Thank you for your comments. I am sorry to hear of your loss.

      Take care.

      Namaste.

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      Irina 2 years ago

      I wish i seen this article earlier.... 15 years into marriage.... and now is all gone... somehow i blamed myself, but this explaining alot.... from #1 to #9...

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      All we can do is improve ourselves. There is no way to make other people behave differently. Best wishes to you.

      Namaste.

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      Jay 2 years ago

      Good article, some of the points I felt applicable for women too :) as a happily married women

    • LouTucci profile image

      LouTucci 2 years ago

      funny how almost everyone applauding here are unhappy women...gotta be a reason, twinkie diet maybe? As far as the comment of me being angry and sad? Not even close. I had a woman that no longer wanted to be married to a family man, working 6.5 days a week to improve our lives and those of our beautiful children. Who destroyed everything. Men are the bad guys? I don't think so. The female of the species is more cunning and conniving. To get what they want - and this method is used EVERY SINGLE DAY - they'll shorten their skirts and unbutton an extra button on their blouse. Done with this article.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 2 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Jay,

      Thanks for reading. And I have another article, about the mistakes women make.

      We all do thing we wish we hadn't. The thing is, for a relationship to work, we have to admit our shortcomings and move forward.

      Lou,

      It sounds like you got screwed. But not the good kind.

      Sorry you had such a terrible experience.

      Hopefully you will find that not every woman is the same, much as not every man is the same.

      Take care,

      Namaste.

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      Howard Dainty 2 years ago

      I got married at age twenty. it never lasted but produced several children. today these children are all grown and married themselves living responsible lives. today many years after still seperated from my wife. but not divorced with no hope of a reconciliation. i was guolty of most of the ten things you listed my wife was too. i was not a good father nor a good husband but i have learnt what it takes to become a good husband and a good father.unfortunately timewaits on no one.

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      Joyce 21 months ago

      Husband scored 9 out of 10. he left me and our kids and now living a single life..

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 20 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Howard, it is never too late to begin living life exactly as you would want it. The first thing you have to do is make a decision, and then move forward.

      Joyce, I am sorry to hear your husband left you and your kids, but if he scored nine out of ten on this list, then he probably wasn't much of a husband to begin with.

      Thank you for reading and responding,

      Namaste

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      polly 19 months ago

      Saying married men can leer at women is all wrong. Married men should be looking at their wives as married women should be looking at their husbands. To do otherwise is disrespectful.

    • erorantes profile image

      Ana Maria Orantes 18 months ago from Miami Florida

      I like your article. Love and respect is tne most important point in life with other people. Also, couples need to know what they want from each other. Religion and culture is a big part t

    • GarnetBird profile image

      Gloria Siess 18 months ago from Northern California

      One word: wow!

    • airportku1111 profile image

      airportku1111 18 months ago

      nice

    • Jennifer Mugrage profile image

      Jennifer Mugrage 18 months ago from Columbus, Ohio

      Lot of wisdom in this Hub. Of course, it is a complex topic and volumes could be (and have been) written about this, so you had to make some generalizations that don't hold true in every single case. But all the problems you mention are very common indeed, sad to say.

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      andy 18 months ago

      One of the best articles i've ever read.

      My wife and i started up a business together and have been working day and night, 7 days a week. Even though business is going so well at this moment, unfortunately it does give us a totally different level of challenges in our relationship. We've had a wonderful life together for 9 years until things get worse since we started the business 2 years ago.

      I'm astonished how you've managed to summarize all my problems in one very well written article. Thank you, this article will be my guide to change myself to become a better husband for the woman i love

    • leemincool profile image

      leemincool 18 months ago

      I'm so confused and honestly his constant accusations are making me numb and I don't want anything to do with him anymore. I'm at a total loss.

    • Pacesetter Abbey profile image

      Lawal Abiodun 18 months ago from Houston, Texas.

      Wow, Great article! So realistic and true.

      I really learnt a lot from this hub.

      "A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt everyday" -Andre

    • Rock_nj profile image

      John Coviello 18 months ago from New Jersey

      A great overview of things men do to destroy their marriage. My one comment is that these 10 are not exclusive to men. I have seen women demonstrate many of them. The same is true of your other article about things women do to destroy their marriage. Not all are exclusive to women.

      In any case, both are worth reading and taking into consideration for anyone interested in a strong and healthy marriage.

    • ladyguitarpicker profile image

      stella vadakin 18 months ago from 3460NW 50 St Bell, Fl32619

      Hi, great article and your points are true for both men and women. Marriage takes work and much mutual respect. It is really hard today, and there is a great amount of temptation. Nice to meet you. stella

    • profile image

      shiju 18 months ago

      Quality article!Keep it up.

    • Bobbie Collier profile image

      Bobbie Collier 18 months ago from Fort Smith, Arkansas

      This is so very true. It has been this way throughout my whole marriage and now he is with someone else but just gives me enough to keep hanging on.

    • Naveed Ahmed 624 profile image

      Naveed Ahmed 18 months ago from Pakistan

      You touched upon a debatable topic but I couldn't find anything in it that I could argue against. Although I didn't go through all the text, I read only the first 2.5 paragraphs and the rest titles only, and cannot agree myself any less too in-line with your advices.

    • profile image

      Lonely Wife 18 months ago

      The first 9 describe exactly what happened to my marriage. Husband put allhis time into his job, then activities, then kids and then a tiny weeny bit his wife. Over the years my resentment grew, as I looked after all the family stuff and he did whatever he wanted. He got his career goal and now really doesn't seem to care about the marriage at all. I feel like I wasted the best years of my life waiting for him to notice me, waiting for him to come home. We are now divorcing but I feel too old and worn out to start again...I am very sad.

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      Rabia 18 months ago

      Very well written, very good!! Men must really be taught this, they often dont care about emotional factors, and the importance of talking, and accepting their mistake, saying sorry.., perhaps they dont even know all this.. Very comprehensive, keep up the good work!

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 17 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Rabia, Thank you for reading and for your comment. I appreciate you taking the time to leave feedback.

      Life is a learning process, and we are all learning new things every day.

      Namaste.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 17 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      I appreciate the large number of comments, both for and against the article.

      Relationships are complex and take a lot of work, from both parties involved.

      We can all do our own part to make our relationship better.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Trinigirl0206 17 months ago

      I stumbled upon this article while searching for this exact information. It's excellent! My marriage is on the outs for a few of these reasons, but primarily for reason #1. My husband pretty much abandoned me emotionally in our marriage, except that it wasn't because of his job or some other activity. It was because of another woman. Yes, his so-called female "best friend." We've been married 21 years and for 18 of those years, he spent every day on the phone with her "shooting the breeze" with her for hours. This nonsense started right after we got back from our honeymoon. He got home from work before I did and I'd walk in the door and find him on the phone with her. Now any hot blooded man would tell his friend that he's hanging up because his baby just walked in the door. Not my husband. All I got was a "hi" and they continued their conversation. Things got worse after we had our son because he'd spend no time with either of us.

      Finally one day I lost it and we had a huge blow up. It stopped but only for a few months, and that was the pattern for the first 11 years of our marriage. I'd say something, they'd stop for about a week, then pick up again. I was so ready to pack up my son and leave him, but I felt that it wouldn't be the best thing for our son. A child needs both parents. So I made a decision in the summer of 2000. I would stick it out until the year my son turns 18 and graduates from high school and is off to college. I stopped trying to get his attention. That's when I will get out of this marriage and that's next year, 2016. He finally got that woman out of our lives 4 years ago but it was too little and way too late. I informed him of my decision last week as he told me he was sensing a lot of distance between us. He was so apologetic and vowed to make it up to me. I forgave him but it's too late. I tried many times over a number of years to tell him how this made me feel as a wife and a woman and my concerns were ignored and dismissed. I was marginalized and disrespected by him and this woman for years and now he wants to make up for it? Nope. I did what I felt was right by my son and soon it will be time to move on.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 17 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Trinigirl0206,

      I am sorry to hear of your unhappy situation.

      Only you can make those types of decisions, although I'm sure you'll get lots of advice from well meaning friends and relatives. Trust your gut. You will know exactly what to do and when to do it.

      If, however, the other woman is gone, and you still love your husband, it is never to late to start again.

      Each moment offers every one of us an opportunity for a new beginning. We only have to choose to take it and make it our own. When you choose, in each moment, the course that best defines who you really want to be, then you will find peace. If you discover, in the process, that the decisions of the past do not serve who you want to be now, you can always choose again.

      Best wishes and much love for you in 2016.

      Namaste

    • alekdo profile image

      Aleksey Donets 17 months ago from Cherkassy, Ukraine

      Thanks for an informative article! I’m really sure, it contains the major points, which really matter when it comes to discussing the things a man can do to ruin his marriage. Having read the article, I can state that the points mentioned here can help men realize their mistakes and correct them before it is too late. I think, there are no families, which don’t face problems from time to time, but only those people, who love and care for each other, can find decent ways out of these situations. And your article can be very helpful here! Thanks again!

    • Jenny Talaver profile image

      Jenny Mae Talaver 17 months ago from Zamboanga City, Philippines

      Wow! What a very insightful article tackling on the misgivings of husbands towards their wives!

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 17 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      alekdo,

      Thanks for your thoughtful response. I believe that if we care for each other, and are determined to make things work, we can work through any situation. I appreciate your remarks.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 17 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks, Jenny.

      There is also an article about the things we as women do to destroy our marriages. It's a two way street, really, and both parties need to care how they treat the other. Thanks for your comments.

      Namaste.

    • craiger-m profile image

      Craig 16 months ago from Great Britain

      The cost of the gift is secondary to the thought you put into it!! If only!

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      craiger-m, you sound a bit cynical. If your wife really puts the monetary value above your heart, then that is definitely a problem. Personally, I appreciate a well thought out gift, rather than some expensive bobble that he bought at the last second, to appease me.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Amanda 16 months ago

      This is great thing for both men and women to learn from. Thank you.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks for the positive feedback Amanda.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Juniper 16 months ago

      I disagree with #10. My husband loved me when I was broken and that love is mending me. 10 implies that broken people stay broken. Now I know what it is to be loved like Christ loves us. Enduring, joyful, and strong. I know I will never be the same.

    • hannahwaguinao profile image

      Hannah Guinao-wa 16 months ago from Rizal Philippines

      Wow your article is still trending from five years ago up until today! =) I am married to a man in the police force and I love him. I am totally in awe of how you wrote point by point. Every number is exactly very true indeed and I would have to commend you for speaking what's in a woman's heart because all these is exactly how I feel. Well written and perfectly explained. I will share this in my facebook account and to my husband too. Thank you!

    • realtalk247 profile image

      realtalk247 16 months ago

      Awesome article. Loved your quote: "A woman in distress, who just moves from crisis to crisis, will continue to be in distress after you marry her."

      An older woman once told me, what you do to get someone is what you must do to keep that person. You can't get married and then say "I'm done" when it comes to loving your partner. You have to continue to make each other's needs important in the relationship.

    • TessSchlesinger profile image

      Tessa Schlesinger 16 months ago from South Africa

      You said, "It is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness."

      I thought the main goal of marriage was reproduction, raising children, and survival of the species.

      I certainly would not like to be part of a relationship where one person was emotionally needy, and this woman that you are talking about certainly appears to be emotionally needy. All women do not need these things. I know I don't, and I very much doubt any of my friends do.

    • TessSchlesinger profile image

      Tessa Schlesinger 16 months ago from South Africa

      Willow Bee, I'm not being rude at all. I'm being honest. Just because you don't like what I am saying doesn't mean that I am being rude.

      No, I am not married - by choice. I also have no desire to be married to a man who is emotionally dependent on a woman, expects the woman to cook for him, soothe his ego, make him feel important, pick up after him, etc. A whole man is hard to find; then, again, so is a whole woman. :)

      You don't think a man would put up with me? So what. I don't need or want a man.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Juniper, I appreciate your comment.

      I don't think people stay broken. But I do believe that when we enter into a relationship with the intention of fixing or healing another person, we can set ourselves up for disappointment, failure and heartbreak.

      Only people who want to be healed can be healed. You must be willing to let love heal you.

      Thanks for commenting.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you Hannahwaguiano, for your input. I appreciate you taking the time to read it and absorb what it says.

      You are truly seeking to love your husband, and he is a lucky man.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      realtalk247, thank you for the input.

      I appreciate your comment, and I think you are right. A lot of times, people will stop meeting their partner's needs, resulting in anger, frustration and unmet expectations, for both parties.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      TessSchlessinger, I appreciate your comments.

      In some ways, the goal of life in general is reproduction, raising children, and survival of the species. But what do you do after your children are raised? Once you have taken care of the biological imperative, there needs to be some aspect of emotion, in order to maintain a marriage.

      Best of luck in your future relationships,

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Willow Bee, We cannot ascertain, from one comment, whether Tess is married, or even if she desires to be. A lot of young people have a lot to learn about relationships, and sometimes you have to wait patiently for life to teach you important lessons.

      Thanks for commenting,

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Tess, I don't find you rude. And I wish you great happiness in your life.

      Namaste

    • TessSchlesinger profile image

      Tessa Schlesinger 16 months ago from South Africa

      Deborah Demander "Once you have taken care of the biological imperative, there needs to be some aspect of emotion, in order to maintain a marriage."

      I guess I wouldn't want to maintain the marriage. I think that marriage is a very strange thing. Why can't we have 20 year marriages in which we contract to bring up children, then if we wish to be together after that, we can sign another contract - or not.

      I'm 64. I was married briefly for 5 years. It did absolutely nothing for me. I have a 30 year old daughter who I raised completely on my own. We have a fantastic relationship. I have no idea where my ex-husband is. I don't hate him. He is a kind man. I am a kind woman. But we are different people. He made no contribution to his daughter, emotionally or financially because he simply wasn't capable of it. I supported my daughter in every way.

      I truly cannot think of one thing that a man can give me (except more money) that would in any way contribute to my well being or happiness. I have many friends, am free to come and go as I please, and I don't want to be limited by having someone live with me, and I absolutely do not want to have to support a man emotionally.

      I know that my attitude is not unique. When I used to go dancing (swing) in San Diego, many women my age had no interest in marriage. Been there once. Done that. Thank you. No thank you.

      :)

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Tess, you are a fascinating woman. Thank you for a perspective that has heretofore been unknown to me.

      I appreciate your insight, your wisdom and your candor.

      Namaste

    • TessSchlesinger profile image

      Tessa Schlesinger 16 months ago from South Africa

      :) People are different. So long as we don't harm each other or have a negative impact on the community or the world, that's okay. :)

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      And on that point, I believe we can find common ground. First, do no harm.

      Take care,

      Namaste

    • SeaSunChase profile image

      Denise Chase 16 months ago from Florida

      Great article. I think it goes both ways as well.

      :)

    • PDXBuys profile image

      PDXBuys 16 months ago from Oregon

      I am 52 and I have never been married. What's it like?

    • letstalkabouteduc profile image

      Nancy Mitchell 16 months ago from Bend, OR

      Thoughtful Hub, Deborah. I wish more men would read it. It seems that women are always reading and following advice on relationships but rarely men. That's why you need to pick a good man in the first place because you're not going to change him. My best friend and I dated our now husbands at the same time. Her guy was unusually sentimental and romantic. Eighteen years later he still is. My guy never was and still isn't. Pay attention when you're dating because that's your future!

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      SeaSunChase,

      I agree, it does go both ways. We both have to be willing to look at our weaknesses and faults, and work to improve ourselves.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      PDXBuys,

      That's a great question, and I bet if you ask everyone you know, you will get a different answer. Marriage is definitely not for the weak!

      Thanks for reading and commenting,

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      letstalkabouteduc,

      That is a great observation. You cannot change your man, no matter how hard you try. You will only succeed in making both of you miserable.

      Thanks for reading and commenting,

      Namaste

    • JasonT987 profile image

      Jason 16 months ago

      I think I should make some notes from this article. Thanks!

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 16 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Jason, thanks for reading and for commenting. You don't necessarily have to take notes. Just maybe make a mental note of something you might like to address.

      Best wishes to you and yours.

      Namaste

    • ChristinRK profile image

      Christin 15 months ago from Sioux Falls, SD

      All good points. Two crucial things were left out, however. First...trust issues. A suspicious, jealous spouse is probably the most painful of all emotions a woman can endure. Second...money. Men are often controlling and manipulative when it comes to money particularly if his wife is a stay at home mom/wife. imho.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 15 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      ChristinRK,

      Thanks for the helpful comments. Jealousy is a green eyed monster and can destroy relationships.

      And I agree, money issues often cause big problems.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 15 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      theinfidelity,

      Thanks for the link. I'll check it out.

      Namaste

    • Sulabha profile image

      Sulabha Dhavalikar 15 months ago from Indore, India

      Dear Deborah,

      Whatever you have said is 100% true. It also reminds me of my brother's meaningless marriage. She has always had a one-up feeling and my brother felt that drinks and cigarettes were an ideal solution.

      I wish they had read this article when they got married 26-27 years ago.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 15 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Sulabha,

      Thank you for reading and commenting.

      It is unfortunate when couples marry, and then make each other miserable. May your brother and his wife both find happiness in their lives.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 15 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      lol,

      I appreciate your comment, but respectfully disagree. Not all men are cheating whores, and neither are all women. I think it is important for individuals to take responsibility for their own behavior, in all relationships.

      Namaste

    • eilval profile image

      Eileen 15 months ago from Western Cape , South Africa

      Insightful hub with much food for thought. One is never too old to learn.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 15 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      eilval,

      Thanks for taking the time to comment. I agree with you, we are never too old to learn. There is always another angle out there.

      Namaste.

    • Galaxy-Gal profile image

      Gabby Galaxy 15 months ago from The Universe

      This is a thoughtful and helpful article. I expect is is helping men understand women a little better. I'd bet you've saved a few marriages!

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 15 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks Galaxy-Gal, not only for reading but also for your comments. I hope to help people by teaching them what they want and need to know.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 15 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Am I missing something here?

    • Abdullah Al Mahdi profile image

      Abdullah Al Mahdi 15 months ago

      However, I'm not married. But your tips is very good. I like it.

    • profile image

      Anonymous 15 months ago

      This is the exact opposite for me the roles have been reverse.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 15 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Abdullah, Thank you for reading and commenting. If someday you get married, keep these in mind, and your wife will be a content and happy woman.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 15 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Anonymous, I'm sorry to hear that.

      I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 15 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you Naznin for your comments.

      A lot of men don't realize what they are doing, and sometimes it is through no fault of their own.

      Namaste

    • Happylovejoy profile image

      Kawai 15 months ago from Singapore

      Great read..and I do agree completely with number 10 - funny that this is almost a staple in relationship advise and yet people still commit the same mistake in thinking they can change someone with marriage..I also have friends who finds the wrong guy again and again..wish there was something I could do...

    • LetusPublish profile image

      Yogita 15 months ago from New delhi

      I would like to ask what about the income, racist and sexist taunts. These too hurts a lot and a major issue as well.I felt you tried to touch this in your 8th and 9th point but somewhere missed the keyword.Also there's fight for inheritance and social attributes and status for which wife suffer from, in most cases these days,specially in page 3 culture and related.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 15 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Happylovejoy, Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Yes, if only we could learn from our mistakes. Better yet, perhaps we could learn from the mistakes of others and go in the opposite direction!

      Thanks for commenting.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 15 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      LetusPublish, I agree that this article does not touch on those issues. I believe those types of behavior border on abuse, and this article is specifically dealing with non-abusive situations.

      When you are in an abusive relationship, things are completely different.

      Thanks for writing.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      111 14 months ago

      No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your Hubs or other sites.

    • sukhneet profile image

      Sukhneet Kaur Bhatti 14 months ago from India

      I really like the article and personally feel that men should understand the reason behind their failed relationship and what are the things they can do to save their married life

    • sumitnabham profile image

      Sumit Arora 13 months ago from India

      The problem is that we don't teach our boys in helping their mom in kitchen or household stuff. Doing this will make them realize how much hard work their mother do, and they will surely help their wives in future.

      Quite a tough task, but can be done.

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 13 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Amazing. Simply amazing. Well-written, structured, and open. If HP still had us voting for hubs, I would vote Up and every choice HP gave back in the day to rate hubs.

      Loved it and I am a man. And for all of these tips . . .you are absolutely correct.

      Keep up the great work.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 12 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @sumitnabham, I agree with your assertion. We should all appreciate the many gifts and talents of our partners, honor their strengths and support them where they need encouragement.

      @Kenneth Avery, thank you for reading and for your kind comments.

      Namaste

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 12 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Deborah,

      Reading your hub was my pleasure entirely. Thank you for the following. I will send you a personalized "thank you" email as soon as I can get things caught up, as my personal gesture to show you that your following is not just appreciated, but will never be forgotten.

      Sincerely,

      Kenneth

      Your Friend for Life

    • profile image

      The Truth 10 months ago

      It is very sad to say that Most women are the cause of many Breakups today especially the women that have their Careers now that made them very Selfish and very Greedy since it is all about Money for them. Women that are making a very high Salary are more Likely to Cheat as well since they will Only want the Best of all and will Never settle for Less.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 10 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @The Truth,

      I appreciate you reading and commenting. Sadly, I agree that many women cause the breakup of their own marriages.

      Selfishness and greediness are two big reasons couples don't stay together.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Mary 9 months ago

      My husband of 37 years never makes time for me and when he does it is on his terms only such as when he wants SEX!!! I love and respect my husband and I realize that after working a long day at work, he needs his space but it is way too extreme! If he is not at his computer doing paperwork, then he is outside doing gardening or yardwork. I am always last on his list of priorities. I try to talk to him and he just won't listen to me. We are empty nesters now and he just doesn't realize how lonely and unhappy I am. I live in a small town so I have very few friends. I try to stay busy and do things I enjoy. I even volunteer. I know that the only person who can make me truly happy is me, but what do you do when your own husband is just so busy and preoccupied with so many different things that he has no time for you! I want my marriage to last a lifetime. Everytime I bring up the fact that I am not being paid attention to, it ends up with an argument so I have just plain given up! I guess I am just going to have to pretend I am a widow because that is how I feel right now! Thanks for reading this!

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 9 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Mary, I am sorry to hear of your plight. I can relate to a husband who works long hours. My husband has been leaving early in the morning and not getting home from work until after 8 most nights. It has definitely put a strain on our relationship.

      The nights when he gets home and I am angry, hurt and feeling rejected are the hardest ones, because they usually end in a fight. When I remember to give him some space, then ask about his day, and gently try to reconnect, then things seem to go better.

      We also try to take time for just us on the weekends, and leave work and cell phones behind while we do something together we both enjoy.

      Thirty seven years of marriage is quite an accomplishment, and I applaud your tenacity. It seems wise to find ways to keep yourself busy during the day, with volunteering, working and whatever other things you enjoy.

      Unfortunately, there is no way to make someone spend time with you. You can tell him how much you enjoy his company, and look for ways to do things together. At some point, however, he has to give. Marriage is a two way street.

      Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.

      Best wishes to you and your husband,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Paul 9 months ago

      Married 36 years affair last 3. Fallen in love with this woman have more fun and more in common then with wife. I need to leave in next few days or lose her. Afraid of all the drama that goes with telling wife looking to separate. Asking for help and suggestions a sap.

    • profile image

      Smita 9 months ago

      Very well written and the article is based on the facts.l loved it.Hope my man gets benefitted by reading it too.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 9 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Paul, If you are a man, then it's time to stand up and act like one. If you have fallen in love with this girl, and are ready to be with her, then it's time to be straightforward and tell your wife. Be prepared. It will not be easy. It will be hard for you, for your wife, and for your girl. It will also he hard on your kids, so prepare to be vilified.

      Be honest and move forward, doing the right thing. You will respect yourself more when you do, and although your wife will be mad and dramatic, hurt and angry, she'd rather know the truth than be lied to. Your girl too, will appreciate you stepping up and taking responsibility for your choices and your own happiness.

      Wishing you the best.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
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      Deborah Demander 9 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Smita,

      Thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate the feedback. Hope things go well between you and your man.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      jjss 9 months ago

      I read articles like this and fully understand why marriage rates are crashing in the west. who the hell would want to live up to all these ridiculous rules just so a woman can continue to be treated like, and act like a spoilt child throughout her entire adult life.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 8 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      jjss, I appreciate you reading this article, and commenting. These aren't rules, so much as suggestions on how to make your relationship better, and common mistakes that men make. I'd be interested to know which ones in particular you find ridiculous, and how treating your partner with kindness and respect amounts to being treated like a spoilt child.

      I agree that many women do behave badly in relationship, which is why I also wrote a blog about the stupid things women do to mess up their relationships. I'd invite you to read that as well and tell me what you think.

      Thanks again for reading,

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Dave 8 months ago

      What an incredible collection of feminine imperative horse shit. Almost all of these are sure to make your wife respect you less and never be attracted to you. Men have been conditioned to think this is crap ever since the the 50s. It's not a coincidence that the divirce rate has also sky rocketed since then.

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 8 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Dave, thanks for reading and for commenting .

      of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Have you ever been married?

      Thanks again for stopping by .

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Tony 7 months ago

      I would hope that you provide a little more balance in your next article. A marriage can be anybody fault and keeping it together takes responsibility on both parts.

      Work harder to be un-bias in future writings. If you wrote another article encouraging women to treat men better, than I digress. Prehaps, putting both articles together might be more advantageous.

      THANKS

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 7 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Hi Tony, Thanks for reading, and commenting. I appreciate you taking the time. I actually do have an article about the stupid things we women do to screw up our relationships.

      In addition, I have several about how to restore your relationship.

      I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Bippity Bop 7 months ago

      very nice article. In addition to these points, Id like the author to add two more sections please- one of extended families and the other for children. My husband and I fight a lot. Most of the times it us because of his mother. We end our fight because we want the children to have both parents. I guess, these two aspects take away the "us" between the two of us. we no longer want a couple life and make no efforts for it to become an enriching experience. I think if you can add these, it'll be great ! thanks

    • profile image

      Pudocuriel 7 months ago

      Oh my God you hit it on the head!!With #1-2-4 The isolation like I'm not good enough or other people are above me and come first. I did it's a horrible feeling!! I don't know how to fix this or get over this I don't want to feel like I have to hide my emotions but when I try to explain my feelings to him he thinks I'm just nagging. We've been together nine years and have five kids and also one for my ex marriage and I'm a stay at home mom and he works 12 hours a day very hard and wants to go drink with his friends and it drives me nuts. He's a wonderful daddy and a provider and a comforter and a hard worker cheerful person but when he involves these other single guys and the drinking at totally tears me apart. I just want to know how to deal with my emotions that I feel when he doesn't come home and the night is growing darker and darker and our kids are asking where he's at and then he comes home acting like there's not a single problem. I was so anxious, worried, nervous, stressed, confused, disappointed, start getting mad I feel like I'm gonna cry and scream. I want to stay open to him and my feelings and my most intimate thoughts and feelings he's my best friend the closest person in the world to me. But I feel like he keeps doing this and doesn't seem as a problem and it is more and gone longer and it just keeps hurting me more and more. He was never like this the first 6 to 7 years of our relationship. Then his job changed and it got bigger and around a lot more people and responsibilities. So he thinks he needs to be their friend. He doesn't seem to realize that I still need to be in the same position and keep work/workers separated from home and leave work at work and the 12 to 13 hours that he needs do ..just leave it there and come home and tend to our needs our time or thoughts and dreams.

    • profile image

      Therabz 7 months ago

      Can I just say that I do loads around the house, from doing the dishes the kitchen, hoovering and making meals and so on, and so on. I do have a drink every now and then, at times to often. But I'm not angry with drink or argumentive with drink, as long as my wife gives me permission to drink, why is that? But if I was to have a drink without her consent I'm the bad one. She will blame me regardless and she will never be wrong, even though she is wrong. Yet I will go and say sorry every single time. And sometimes she will say I don't except your apology, that will annoy me even more. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means, and I'm wrong at times, but I will hold my hands up and say so too. But my wife never seems to do so ever. It's always me and never her. I love her to bits and I'm hard working and very devoted to her too. But it should work both ways!!! From my experience over the years I do think in some relasionships loyalty comes from either male or female. It only works when both sides feel the same way. Partners seem to break apart when one always think they are correct when in fact they are not. No matter how hard I try I always seem to be wrong regardless what I do, why is that? All I ever see my wife do is iPad, Facebook for hrs on end. Have mentioned it a few times, but get..... Hear we go again? Love her to bits but getting worn down and feel like it's a waste of time. But life goes on

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 7 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Bippity Bop, you make a very good point. Extended families and children are two huge issues in any marriage, and how a couple deals with them will be reflected in the quality of their marriage. Thanks for the suggestions and thanks for reading.

      @Pudocuriel, It sounds like you have a very difficult situation. Two things I might suggest: First, remember you can only control yourself. You cannot control your husband. His behavior is not about you, it is about him. It's okay to feel frustrated, angry, scared or whatever, but don't make it about him. Your feelings are about you, and his behavior is about him. Lashing out will only make him feel guilty and want to stay out later. It's hard, having children at home, and a husband who isn't. It sounds like you both need a little space. Secondly, I would suggest taking some time for the two of you. Whether it's an actual date, where you get dressed up and go out, or you just take a walk, together without the kids, you need time to reconnect with each other.

      Thanks for reading. I wish you the best.

      @Therabz, I agree both partners in a relationship have a responsibility to do their best to make it work. I'm sorry to hear that she is eroding the relationship.

      Could you suggest some time together, where the phones and iPads are not present, just the two of you, reconnecting.

      Remember what it is you like about her, and tell her. And maybe point her toward my article about the ten ways women destroy their relationships. :) Hope all goes well for you.

      Namaste

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 6 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Wow Two angry men in a row. I can only wonder if you know each other, and if you have ever been happy

      We all make mistakes in relationships, and this article only talks about the ones men sometimes make

      The key is to,work together to make things better

      best of luck to you

      Namaste

    • profile image

      6 months ago

      Its been almost 30 years and I am still not over how my xhusband destroyed our wedding

    • Deborah Demander profile image
      Author

      Deborah Demander 6 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      J,

      Thirty years seems like a long time to carry the heavy burden of resentment. If the man is already your ex, then what good does it do to continue dragging that bag of rocks behind you?

      Forgive yourself, forgive him, and move on. You'll feel much better when you do.

      Namaste

    • profile image

      Rich 5 months ago

      Boy do I wish this article was available 20 years ago. Would have prevented a lot of personal anguish and heartache.

    • cam8510 profile image

      Chris Mills 5 months ago from St. Louis, MO until the end of June, 2017

      My experience says you've hit the nail on the head. My late wife and I were married for 24 years. We worked hard at our relationship and made it through some tough times. It is worth all the work we have to put into our relationships. Great article.

    • profile image

      Dave 5 months ago

      When speaking of doing poorly in life are you referring to making more money??

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      Felicia Elliott 5 months ago

      I agree with this article, for the most part, with the exceptions of the following two points: 1. I believe that the main purpose and goal of marriage is not peace & happiness, but rather unity. And, 2. In the #4 section, where you discuss the benefits of apologizing; I must add that, over time, apologies for basically doing the same emotionally neglectful behaviors become less meaningful to the wife. One has to wonder if there is true contrition, if the behavior continues on repeatedly, even after multiple apologies. So, my point is: men often can do further damage by apologizing too much for the same thing, and never doing anything to really change the behavior.

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      Nate 5 months ago

      What about the wife that ignores.her husband for months to years at a time. Doesn't want to talk about anything, just ignores.the husband completely. Then turns around and complains that no one asks how her day is, or what she thinks about any thing or that her husband now stays away from her as.much as he can because he is tired of rejection after rejection and not just sex, the rejections are at conversation, activities together etc. It isn't that she doesn't so these things, just not with him.

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      Shaik Madeena 5 months ago

      Muslim Families will surely win these things

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      Deborah Demander 5 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Rich, The best thing we can do is stay present and use the tools we have today to create the best life we can. Twenty years ago, you may have not believed what you read. Sometimes, unfortunately, experience is the best teacher.

      @Chris Mills, Thank you for reading and responding. You and your late wife definitely knew the secret to a good marriage. Commitment and hard work are paramount.

      @Dave, when I speak of doing poorly in life, I am referring to personal happiness, well-being and spiritual fulfillment. Success has nothing to do with money, in my opinion.

      @Felicia Elliott, I think you make some good points. I agree that marriage should unify us, and if we stand united, then we will likely enjoy peace and happiness. As for apologizing: I believe that an apology is for hurting someone you love, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Continual repetition of bad behavior should not be a part of a healthy marriage, and empty apologies are useless for healing the rifts that come from continually hurting the person that you supposedly love.

      @Nate, This article is specifically geared toward things men do to harm their relationships. I have another article about the mistakes women make. It sounds as if you are being emotionally shut out and sabotaged, and I am sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, you can only control your own behavior. There is nothing you can do to make your wife change. Try being honest and telling her how her actions are hurting you and damaging your relationship. Best of luck to you.

      @Shaik Madeena, Marriage is not a contest. And certainly no particular religion or belief has any leg up on any other. People behave well (and badly) based on a lot of factors, not exclusively their religious beliefs. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.

      Thank you all for stopping by and for commenting.

      Namaste

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      Michael Morse 4 months ago

      All correct except that a man should not share his worries and problems with his wife. Mine cuts me short and she is only interested in me listening to her worries. Ive been married 25 years, and she only wants to be mentally intimate with the strong and positive side of me. Better for me to discuss problems with trusted male friends. Otherwise a perfect article.

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      Deborah Demander 4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Michael Morse, Thanks for the input. I value your opinion. I agree that it is difficult for some women to hear about their man's worries and fears. That is unfortunate. It's too bad your wife can't listen without judging, and without fearing.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

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      Confused... 4 months ago

      Thank you for this article...My husband is guilty of it all...! It's not to say that I'm not guilty of things because in his eyes I probably am and that's fine. But I try and talk to my husband openly about things and he just seems to turn things around instantly and start playing the blame game or just shuts me down instantly...I don't understand, it confuses me and it hurts like hell. I can admit when I'm wrong too but he continues to step on me when I'm down. Then by some magical moment he seems to love me again though I've gotten to a stage where I feel like he is fake and possibly doing things on purpose to make me leave him, I don't know! Ive lost trust in my marriage and all I know is that someone who I thought was the absolute love of my life is making me feel the saddest I've ever been. We have a one year old daughter who is just simply amazing and I never wanted to experience being a single parent, I know plenty of people do it though I always had my mind set on being traditional but I guess these days that is close to non existent! I live each day on auto pilot now because I have no idea what to do nor do I have the emotional strength to do anything because I love him too much, but I guess it's my own fault for allowing situations to keep happening. Anyway I've rambled as you can see, this is the first time I've been open to anyone outside my marriage and it happens to be to a bunch of strangers. Thanks again for this post, it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through certain things. And I know it's not just men that do things that it's us women too, it's a two way street. It's just up to us as individuals to be open in fixing a marriage as a pose to tackling issues in a negative way! Good luck to everyone out there men and women, everyone deserves to be happy xo

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      Equal leaders 4 months ago

      Your article was very misogynistic. Women are NOT crockpots. We are human beings who deserve to be respected as leaders in our marriages.

      Any husband who does not take equal responsibility for housework and childcare is a spouse abuser.

      Also, it is very male chauvinistic to call a woman a nag.

      All husbands need to take their spouses' names and make major career sacrifices so that she can fulfill her potential.

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      Deborah Demander 4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Equal leaders, Thank you for your input, and thank you for reading.

      Although I don't agree that the article is misogynistic, I thank you for reading. I am not literally calling women crockpots. It is a simile. I am using a comparison, crockpots to microwaves, to illustrate the difference between men and women in the sexual arena. Women typically take longer to get turned on than men do, much like preparing a meal in a crock pot, which takes all day, versus cooking in a microwave, which takes place in a matter of minutes.

      I do not agree that if a husband does not take equal responsibility in housework and childcare, then he is abusive. I believe that there are many different roles in marriage, and in a partnership, both partners decide which roles they are best suited to, and which they desire to undertake. It is an agreement between two people to make the best use of their time, talents, abilities and interests.

      It is not male chauvinistic to call a woman a nag, if she is nagging. And I am a woman.

      Finally, I believe that when a couple marries, they can decide who will take which name, and who will make career sacrifices, if any are required. There is no right answer, when it comest to marriage, happiness and partnership. Each couple has to do what works for them. This article generalizes characteristics that can be damaging to a marriage.

      Thank you for reading and commenting,

      Namaste

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      Lonelyone 4 months ago

      Loved the article and read the one about wives ruining marriage as well. I cried thought the whole thing because you described it to a T and it was very painful. What would you suggest if the wife is only doing two of them, and the husband is neglecting the wife 9 out of ten? And this husband doesn't respond well to most uncfortable conversations and especially does not like advice?

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      Deborah Demander 4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @lonelyone,

      Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I'm sad to hear of your plight.

      My suggestion is to remember that you can only control yourself. Speak your truth to your partner. You are in charge of your own happiness. If things in the marriage aren't working, be honest. And then do what you can to improve your part. Best of luck.

      Namaste

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      Cryin Brian 4 months ago

      Oh my god..... my ex wife had a knight in shining armour saving the girl painting in our (pardon me, her) house. Thanks, you picked me up a bit today.

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      Deborah Demander 4 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @cryinbrian,

      I guess that should have been your first sign. She was looking to be rescued. Strong women want a strong man to walk beside. (And once in a while we like to be swept off our feet!)

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

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      Maple 4 months ago

      The writer has well identified with the women and every women at some stage will agree to everything mentioned in this article.

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      Anna 3 months ago

      My husband doesn't even care to be around me or so end time with me is it over after 34 years

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      Deborah Demander 3 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Maple, Thank you for reading and commenting. My hope is to capture some of the common pitfalls in relationships, and speak to correcting those errors.

      @Anna, I am sorry to hear that your husband doesn't want to spend time with you. Have you spoken to him about it? Do you want to spend time with him? Empower yourself by speaking your truth with kindness and love. Thank you for reading and commenting.

      Namaste

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      Patrick Peng 3 months ago

      already got humped on by a woman in distress and lots of insecurity. Can i say no? What kind of person would i be if i say no? It's easy said than done.

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      Deborah Demander 3 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Patrick, you are absolutely correct. It is far easier to say yes, and to help a woman in distress. Unfortunately, this may not always be in your own best interest. Of course, life isn't about always choosing our own interests above that of others, but there needs to be some sort of balance. Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. Best of luck to you, in finding a good woman who will appreciate you.

      Namaste

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      Vicki Allen 3 months ago

      What a great article! It's all true and makes perfect sense.

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      Deborah Demander 3 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @Vicki Allen, Thank you for reading and taking the time to respond.

      Namaste

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      And The Truth Is 3 months ago

      And what about many of us good men out there that had are Exes do such a number on us already since we had our ex wife cheated on us which i had this happened to me especially when i was a very good husband that was very committed to her as well as very loving and caring which i showed her a lot of respect for her as well. That still wasn't good enough for her since she showed no emotion at all after doing that as if she really didn't care either which she turned out to be such a very pathetic low life loser anyway. This is why many marriages are failing these days since most of the time it is the women that always do the most damage in their marriage unfortunately.

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      Deborah Demander 3 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @And The Truth Is, Thank you for your comments. I agree that women cause a lot of the problems in a marriage, which is why I wrote a corresponding article about the stupid things woman do to destroy their relationships. I hope you have a better experience if you get into another relationship. Remember to trust your instincts. Thanks for reading.

      Namaste

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      Anna S. 3 months ago

      I stopped reading after #1. In the same paragraph you say a husband may tell the wife the house is not clean enough, and then state same hypothetical wife has a job.

      I don't know what world you live in where a woman has a job and still bears the responsibility for cleaning the house. It's split equally then. Want a maid? Make enough money so she can stay at home,and make sure you marry the kind of woman who wants to do that. 2/10 at best.

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      tom 2 months ago

      Agree with most, but to always refuse the damsel in distress is not love. With what is going on in the world these days, some if the best, good willed and driven women are in distress. I have been married ten years to the woman of my dreams. If I had refused to see her and her circumstance without love, I would have never found my life mate. She had lost all to being undiagnosed with cancer; becoming very weak, underweight, losing her home, ending up in poverty, renting a slum.

      I was the "wind beneath her wings," recognized her drive to survive, succeed and rebuild all the goals in life she lost. She went from survival to high function in dignity. Sure it was hard,but it was well worth it. I saw her QUEEN beneath the rough.

      This "judging," of all females in distress to overgeneralize all of them is not love or compassion. The "journey," through her disease towards EASE has been a gift to both of us, AND has outcomes into.positive of helping others in health disparities. That is soul purpose love.

      Love IS about seeing the person, not the manmade circumstance. Sometimes, someone needs a loving hand and no judgments. That is love as a verb.

      Life is not perfect and beautiful souls get harmed in this rough world. It was not her fault that hundreds of drs refused to diagnose her and not let her love and protect herself, health, now and future. A person can only do and handle so much as sick, or worsen and dies; just like animals.

      It becomes a full time us job, running g around exhausted to drs,in and out of hospitals, undiagnosed and treated like garbage; causing horrid outcomes on good people,death and suicides.

      As you state you are a healer and positive, your judgements to a lady in distress is appalling and very lower self.

      Choosing a lady in distress made me a better person, and she was and is the most driven person that I ever met. She is my hero, as I am hers. That is real love on a soul level. She was not the circumstance, it took LOVE as a verb to see her true self amongst that. And thank god, I did.

      It made me a better person and man, and she was well worth it. These over generalizations in society ARE part of the problem.

      Guess what? Horrid, low quality, negligent medical has harmed millions of lives in America. Without accurate and timy diagnosis, ones cannot thrive and function, but their lives go in a whole. Health is a basic human right.

      I've also met many females that care to see the true self in males that also were not diagnosed, including so many vereans, surviving the over right year Veteran Scandal.

      Our ENVIRONMNTS/societies/corrupt government t does harm and negative impact lives. Grow up, and stop telling your audience that females in distress are of no value.

      There are plenty of females that have their life together that are selfish, have no good will drive, and are horrid wives that end up using males.

      Every life is their own unique story, history, her story..

      I truly hope you see this and stop your overgeneralized, not wise, not empathy or compassion generalizations that are FALSE.

      THERE are all types of females and males in distress, not one.

      Females like you are the worst enemies to other females.

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      Deborah Demander 2 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Tom, Thank your for your beautiful response. Your wife is a very lucky woman, to have such a devoted, considerate and loving husband. You are a great example for all husbands. I wish all the best to you and your bride, and many more years of happiness together.

      I appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment.

      Namaste

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      Sun123 2 months ago

      Very well written! I hope more and more man/husbands read it and stop themselves from repeating these mistakes.

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      Deborah Demander 2 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks for reading and for commenting, Sun123. My hope is that relationships in general will improve as a result of these articles.

      Namaste

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      kulderp 2 months ago

      One more point missing is interference of parents and giving more important to there word then husband or wife

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      Deborah Demander 2 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      @kulderp,

      Thanks for the comment. Interference from any outside person, especially the parents, is harmful to a relationship. We should put our partner first, and our parents after that. Thanks,

      Namaste

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      Billy Budd 8 weeks ago

      Good advice for everyone. Your spouse is not a tenant in your house, or your employee. Ignore her long enough, and she will go away.

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      ansari maryam 8 weeks ago

      Thanks deborah , I like this article:-)

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      INaRUTT 11 days ago

      Spot on! I would love to send this article to my husband of 20 years whom for the past 17 years have said lack of sex in our marriage is normal and sex with me feels like a duty. Time to move on and let him be alone. I Def don't need this man to continue to humiliate me. Sad part is waiting around for 20 years. Thank you for the article.

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      Margaret Heekin 40 minutes ago

      Selfish, insenstive, passive aggressive ingrate describes my "husband". Can't do anything. Hostile, defensive and now retired. I am financially unwilling to leave him with all we have accumulated. No children and now no sex Thank God. Need advice.

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