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Don't Share Information With a Malignant Narcissist

In my personal experience with narcissistic abuse, I've found that education is my best weapon.

The Lessons We've Learned

Some of us reach middle age older and much wiser, at least in terms of knowing how a malignant narcissist operates. This particular personality disorder (I prefer the term "moral disorder") is something we once couldn't comprehend, until we found ourselves caught in a snare. This was a trap, or a series of them, set by someone we once trusted.

Then, we had to face up to the fact that some folks are so sick that they like watching others stumble.

The psychological landmines we wandered into were sprung by someone we considered a friend, a person with whom we shared many intimate details of our lives. This is very hard to come to grips with.

Or, the narcissistic abuse may have come from a coworker or a supervisor. Before we realize what's happening, they've already spent considerable time "grooming" us, in an effort to gain our confidence, and, they hope, access to our deepest secrets.

Some targets of narcissist abuse find it comes from within their family of origin. A parent, or perhaps a sibling, is morally disordered. If that's the case, this person already knows your weak spots. But they don't need to know anything else. This includes the names of your current friends, their addresses and where they work. A malignant narcissist is not above contacting someone in your social circle, or arranging a "surprise" encounter, in an attempt to ruin your other relationships. They know that isolation is the best means of control.

The Prevalence of Malignant Narcissism

According to Dr. Martha Stout, PhD, author of The Sociopath Next Door, narcissism and other Cluster B personality disorders, such as sociopathy, are frighteningly commonplace. About 1 out of every 25 people is disturbed enough to meet the criteria.

Any personal information that falls into their hands is dangerous. It will be used against you, even if it takes years to follow through on a particular plan.

Although we can't live in fear that everyone we meet has a deep-rooted character flaw, it's best to exercise prudence and restraint when someone new enters your life. Give it some time before you start to share.

Oftentimes, a malignant personality presents themselves as the nicest person you'd ever want to meet, until you get to know them better.

Discerning Someone's Character

Most people are well meaning. We can't let our encounter with a malignant narcissist blind us to this fact. The majority of people want to do all they can to alleviate human suffering, whether it be physical, spiritual or psychological. A distinct minority, however, behaves much differently.

They don't appear to have the empathy needed to avoid hurting others. Or, they go out of their way to inflict pain. They damage those around them, and sow discord wherever they travel. These are the ones we need to never feed with information, as I'll explain further.

So, how do we discern if someone is trustworthy or not? Although there is no foolproof way to avoid getting burned, there are some red flags to look for.

Beware of "Instant Friendships"

Determining that someone is potentially malicious isn't always easy. Even professionals miss the sometimes subtle signals that an individual has a moral disorder. That's because malignant narcissists know they're different than the rest of humanity. So they work hard to perfect their image, in order to convince people they are virtuous.

Malignant narcissists also seem to possess superhuman abilities to size up a rival. They have excellent observational skills, coupled with the gift of gab. They are also remarkably charming and persuasive.

Be wary of "instant friendships." This is when there seems to be instant rapport, as if the other person you've just met seems to totally understand you. What could be happening, instead, is that they're reading you, and mirroring your behavior to gain your confidence.

Occasionally, you really do meet a soul mate and the two of you just happen to click. But it's also possible your gregarious new buddy may not be everything she appears to be.

Until you have a better idea of her character, consider my advice. (I have no formal education in human relations, but have gained some unfortunate first-hand experience.) Don't share your secrets until you get to know her much better.


Watch for Loose Lips

I'm going to refer to malignant abusers in this article as "she." That's because gossip and slander form the backbone of relational aggression, a psychological device used by character-flawed females. This involves chipping away at someone's friendships, so that they become a pariah. The intent is to drive them out of a particular setting. When this happens on the job, it typically results in resignation or firing.

Pay attention if someone habitually talks badly about others. This reflects a lack of emotional maturity. Someone who gossips about everyone else will also gossip about you. Do not share any information, even if it's not considered "sensitive," when you observe this kind of conduct.

Sometimes gossip isn't immediately apparent. That's because it's camouflaged in "nice" language, such as, 'Susan's a wonderful person in all ways, except....," right before they drop the bombshell. Don't be fooled by praise, followed by a jab. This is gossip, and just as hateful as the more obvious kind.

I don't automatically assume someone is dangerous if they happen to make one, or even two, offhand comments about someone else. It could have been a slip of the tongue, and it's something they might regret. But a pattern of incessant backbiting is an ominous sign.

Understanding How the Malignant Narcissist Works

Love BombingGroomingEmpathyLong-Term Memory

This only happens early in the relationship, when the narcissist idealizes you. You'll notice more disordered behavior later.

This can occur simultaneously with love bombing. This is when the narcissist explores your personality, probing for weak spots.

Morally disordered people are deficient in this department. They simply cannot relate to another's suffering.

Malignant narcissists will never forget a real or perceived slight. They may exact revenge years later.

What About Their Other Relationships?

Everyone who's reached middle age probably had a failed friendship or two. This can happen because people simply drift apart. Or, it can be the result of a misunderstanding. We all have times in our lives when we seem to be either surrounded by people, or somewhat isolated.This, in and of itself, is not particularly alarming.

But what's potentially troubling is meeting a person who seems to have absolutely no history of previous relationships. They don't have any friends from high school or college or from any of their previous jobs. Nor do they seem particularly close, or even in contact with, any of their relatives.

Now, they've found you, and you're their main focus. They suddenly want to spend a lot of time with you. They want you to watch their children for a few days, just a week or two after you've met them. Perhaps, you've only known them a month, and they ask you to be godmother to their newborn. These are all indications they could have problems maintaining healthy relationships.

However, someone could have a legitimate social anxiety disorder or be extremely introverted, and still be a wonderful human being. That's why they don't have any close friends. But someone who fits this description is generally not extremely outgoing, and likely to form instant "friendships."

Tips on Handling a Narcissistic "Friend"

The Danger of Casual Conversation

When speaking with a potential malignant narcissist, establish a firm rule of no disclosure. Even something as innocent as what type of dog you have can be used to discredit you.

But how could that be?

Morally disordered people have no integrity. They tell outrageous lies if it suits their purpose. So, now they know you have a golden retriever. They'll use this true fact, and mix it with some very unsavory falsehoods. Because the rest of your coworkers know about your golden retriever, it's much easier to swallow the fabrications.

No fact, no matter how trivial, is too insignificant for a morally disordered person on a mission to destroy.


I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.


ologsinquito (author) from USA on February 24, 2016:

Hi howtospotnarcs, I am really sorry to hear about these painful experiences. Narcs can do a lot of damage with personal information. I sincerely hope you can move past all this and build a better life. God Bless you.

Howtospotnarcs on February 23, 2016:

Unfortunately, I have lived it. I never shared information with my narc- my mother- but I also never shared information with anyone else. She used that as an opportunity to use my personal life as ablank slate on which to pain a picture of me engaged to person A to person B and person B to person A, triangulating the situation, and plopping herself in the middle, then asking these powerful men for favors because she had been so helpful to them in preventing the embarrassment of trying to court me when I was taken. She destroyed my social life in this manner, and I then married poorly. It was a disaster, all because I was proper, demure and didn't share my personal information. I am a whole different creature now, and she has been sent running as a social pariah because my level of exposure of my personal information and her personal information is off the charts, without regard for being a "lady".

ologsinquito (author) from USA on February 15, 2016:

Hi moonlake, thank you so much for reading. I"m so sorry your family members have behaved this way. It's good that you didn't stand for this person's bad behavior.

ologsinquito (author) from USA on February 14, 2016:

However, you have to make sure you trust the people you're speaking with. If not, any sensitive information can and will be shared with the narc.

ologsinquito (author) from USA on February 14, 2016:

Hi howtospotnarcs, that's not a bad idea. Feed everyone else the truth, and the lies will become apparent. Thanks so much for sharing your insights.

ologsinquito (author) from USA on October 19, 2015:

Hi Angelica, you definitely can't beat them at their game. I wish you well and thanks for reading.

Angelica on October 19, 2015:

I was married to a narcissist for over 3 years he has told ppl.I was the abusive person...drug addict and cheater...he's ruined my life in my hometown I have no friends left bc of him.....his mother taught him this behavior ..its,sad and scary at the same time...he fits every definition of a narcissist and no one but me realizes it....he tells everyone im the 'nut' and ppl believe him....theres no way to battle a narcissist.....

ologsinquito (author) from USA on March 26, 2015:

Hi Tony, thanks so much for reading.

ologsinquito (author) from USA on March 24, 2015:

Hi BCK, thank you so much for reading.

BCK on March 24, 2015:

I was married to a classic malignant narcissist for 15 years. I grew up in a home where "negative" feelings were discouraged and worked hard to be able to share feelings without guilt. My ex husband would take each and every feeling I expressed and hold it to use as a battering ram against me later on, especially during challenging times like when my mom was ill and died. It's like he unpeeled my heart and threw battery acid inside. It has been a long road back but I am getting there.

ologsinquito (author) from USA on March 18, 2015:

Hi tambralee, I agree that social media just gives these predators one more tool with which to abuse others. That is a chilling example of what someone disordered is capable of.

ologsinquito (author) from USA on June 08, 2014:

Hi Jackie, I think you're absolutely correct. There does seem to be some overlap. Some people think malignant narcissism is just short of full-blown sociopathy. In any event, individuals who fit this description are dangerous.

ologsinquito (author) from USA on June 06, 2014:

Hi DDE thanks so much for reading and for the feedback. The more we know about moral disorders the better.

ologsinquito (author) from USA on June 05, 2014:

Hi Nadine and MsDora, thanks so much for reading.

ologsinquito (author) from USA on June 05, 2014:

Hi FlourishAnyway, thanks again for reading. It's hard to believe, if you haven't seen it.

ologsinquito (author) from USA on June 04, 2014:

Hi VioletteRose, thanks so much for reading. Putting distance between you and people with this disorder is the best way to deal with them.

ologsinquito (author) from USA on June 04, 2014:

Hi Rebecca, yes, we all have to be aware of this now, unfortunately.

ologsinquito (author) from USA on June 04, 2014:

Hi Alicia, thanks for reading. It's a difficult experience to live through, but it teaches many lessons and there are also many blessings.

ologsinquito (author) from USA on June 03, 2014:

Suzette, thank you for the kind words and thanks so much for reading.

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