Stop Explaining to the Narcissist! Do This Instead

Updated on April 28, 2018
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The Little Shaman is a spiritual coach & a specialist in Cluster B personality disorders. Schedule an appointment today!

Possibly one of the hardest things for a narcissist's loved ones to learn is how to stop explaining. It's a natural response, but it's also the exact wrong response with a narcissist. Here we will detail why that is, and what to do instead.

Why it Doesn't Work

Narcissists look at things differently than the rest of us do. They are guided by emotion. Not logic, not reason and not intelligence. Emotion. This often causes their perception of things to be very, very different from other people's. They view everything through the lens of feeling, and their feelings are generally negative, out of control and even frightening to them. This causes their perceptions and experiences to be negative and frightening to them as well. They believe feelings are facts. That's not just a saying or a metaphor. They actually believe their feelings are facts. If they feel it, it must be true - regardless of whether it makes any sense or if they have proof or anything else.

Most people realize that feelings are not reliable. They sometimes make no sense, they're sometimes irrational and they are certainly not facts. Most of us realize that high emotion can alter perception and that events viewed through the lens of emotion are often not viewed correctly.

Narcissists do not understand this. They experience things exactly the opposite way. Events viewed through the lens of emotion are altered in order to fit the emotion. If they are angry at you, everything you do will be perceived negatively, no matter what it is. If you're smiling, you must be laughing at them. If you brought them a sandwich or offered to share your food, there must be something wrong with it. Even things you did in the past that were OK at the time are now viewed through this lens and found to be evil. Yesterday, you were washing dishes together and laughing, having fun. No unkind words were said, there were no problems at all. Today, they see it as they were only helping you wash dishes yesterday because you forced them to do it so you can laugh at how much of a slave they are.

In reality, the narcissist's "truth" changes with their emotions. When they are angry, you are bad and they hate you. You also hate them and are horribly cruel and evil. When they are happy, you are good and they love you. You also love them (or at least don't hate them) and are not mean to them. It has nothing to do with actual reality or anything you are actually doing. It is all based on unreasonable, irrational and faulty perceptions. Instead of being seen as an individual human being with your own feelings, you are simply seen as a walking mirror of the narcissist's feelings about themselves.

Why We Still Try

Because of this hugely divergent way of seeing things, people who are dealing with a narcissist often find themselves looking for a way to bridge the gap. They find themselves constantly explaining to the narcissist that the narcissist's perception is incorrect or faulty, that the narcissist is adding the wrong things together or coming to ludicrous conclusions based on things that aren't real, weren't said or didn't happen. This is understandable. Rational adults speaking to other adults are going to use reason and logic to try to get their point across. What else is there to do? This usually works in most people's lives. Compromises are reached, points are made, life goes on.

The trouble comes when you find yourself dealing with a seemingly-normal, cognizant person who, five minutes ago was speaking with you like a reasonable, intelligent adult and who now cannot understand even a basic point you are trying to make or simple words you are saying. Worse, they seem to have misunderstood you terribly and are now angry, upset and offended. So what do you do? As a rational, reasonable person, you try to explain. In most situations, this would be the right thing to do. With narcissists, it is the exact wrong thing.

In actuality, there's been no misunderstanding. At least, not one of the kind most people believe. The misunderstanding is not from you to the narcissist. It is within the narcissist themselves. They did not hear you wrong. They did not misunderstand what you said. What happened was that they reacted to their own emotions and blamed it on you. It really has nothing to do with you at all. When you brought them that sandwich, your motive was simply to do something nice and give them a sandwich. They didn't misunderstand that because they did not consider that. They don't care what your motive is. Not really. It's all about what is happening on their internal landscape. And all they are hearing inside is, "You're stupid, you're ugly, you're garbage, you're worthless, no one loves you, they are all laughing at you, they don't care about you..." You just got caught in the crossfire.

You can try to explain that your motives are not negative, that you don't hate the narcissist, you don't think they're garbage, or whatever else but the narcissist has been listening to this internal dialogue their entire life and they are completely and utterly convinced of it. They're never going to believe you. They're not even going to hear you. Ever notice that it seems like they are listening - and responding - to someone else when you're talking? Someone who is saying completely different things than what you are saying? That's because they are.

A Deeper Understanding

Narcissists expect to be treated badly because of this very thing. They therefore look for evidence of it in every single thing other people do. And of course, they find it, mostly because they push and provoke and harass and refuse to accept anything else.

For instance, a wife is speaking with her narcissistic husband. It's the classic narcissistic argument, where no matter what she says or how she says it, everything that comes out of her mouth is hurtful, hateful and wrong. The wife is attempting to explain to the narcissist reasonably and logically that his accusations are senseless and untrue. As she is talking, she calls him "honey." The narcissist replies, "Don't call me honey" in a disgusted tone of voice. The wife loses her cool and replies, "Fine, [expletive]. I won't." The narcissist then says, "That's more like it."

Now, this was no doubt intended to be a knock against the wife, to imply that the wife using terms of endearment is fake or insincere because she is so horrible and abusive. But it really says more about the narcissist than anything, doesn't it? They cannot accept being treated respectfully. It jams their radar, so to speak, and makes them very uneasy. Since they expect to be treated badly, they are constantly on edge, waiting for it to happen. They will often cause an argument or accuse someone of treating them badly for no reason simply to fulfill this expectation and ease their internal tension. Sometimes you can actually see the relief on their faces.

Explaining in these situations is useless. You will not get anywhere. Not only are they not listening, they don't want to believe you. They want to believe you are evil. It makes them victims. It makes them the center of attention, and most of all, it makes them right. If they have to accept that you are not evil, then who is to blame for all these problems? There's only one person left. In the narcissist's cartoon, comic book view of the world, there always has to be a villain - and a hero, by the way. If the villain isn't you, it will have to be them and if that's true, then it means that everything that voice says to them is right. Don't forget, narcissism is nothing but a defense mechanism against that little voice. That little voice says they are evil, horrible, disgusting vomit on the ground, so in self-defense, the narcissist creates a false self that is the total opposite of that.

A hero, in other words.

However, someone has to be evil, because all that hurt and bile and anger and bitterness has to go somewhere. So it has to be you. You were once the hero, when the narcissist first met you and you were perfect, and you were going to save everyone and make everything great. But you revealed yourself as a lowly human with no special powers and worse, you revealed that they are a lowly human with no special powers, either. So you're now the villain in this story and you can never be anything else.

Beyond that, they like that you keep trying to make them understand that you love them. They like the futility, the sincerity, the fact that you keep trying and keep jumping through those hoops for them. They don't believe you and they never will, but they love to hear it just the same. They like frustrating you and upsetting you and sucking your life force out one pointless argument at a time. Explaining is really only feeding their egotistical need for attention in the end because they aren't going to believe you. They don't want to and even if they did, the voice of that brutal superego that piles them on with internal abuse 24 hours a day would never let them.

Their disorder is set up so perfectly that exactly the things they need to hear and understand in order to change are exactly the things they are programmed to deny and block out the most. It's really sad, when you think about it. Because of that blind spot, they simply self-destruct over and over and over again. They are some of the most miserable people alive, and they walk around their entire lives never realizing they are doing it all to themselves. There are none so blind as those who refuse to see.

What to Do Instead

It's very easy, then, to get caught in the trap of explaining. When a problem is so easy for us to see, of course we will try to make the other person understand. "Hey, you can fix this! All you have to do is stop doing this!" As a rational adult person, that's what most of us do. We attempt to communicate. If the communication is getting fouled up along the way somewhere, we try to fix that so that we are heard and things can be resolved.

The problem is that in this situation, the lines are crossed in a place where you can't reach or affect them. It doesn't matter how you say it, or how many times you say it. They are not going to hear it. They can't and they don't even want to anyway. There is too much at stake for them to believe you, and because of that, they never will. There are many people right now suffering in relationships with narcissists and holding onto hope that things will change. Holding onto hope that if they can just somehow explain it right, the narcissist will finally understand. But their brain does not work like yours does. The reality is, the chances are 1000 to 1, because these people have a vested interest in things staying exactly the same way they are right now.

When the narcissist accuses you of something that isn't true, or when they have their patented "misunderstandings," simply tell them that they are entitled to their opinion and leave it at that. You can say, "I'm sorry that you feel that way, but you're entitled to your opinion," or "I disagree with that, but you are entitled to your feelings." There is no reason to get bogged down in semantics about what was actually said and how it was said, or the ulterior motives that you don't really have or any of that because it is a waste of time. It goes nowhere and it never ends.

If you say the things suggested here, it asserts that you disagree with their interpretation but it does not feed into their need to create chaos in order to get attention. It does not reward the behavior, in other words. A lot of times they will push harder and provoke more, trying to get a reaction out of you - which is all they really wanted in the first place. Hold your ground and don't give in. Some people have difficulty doing this. They don't like "letting the narcissist get away with" the things they are saying. That's understandable, but it's counterproductive. A fair response to that feeling is, if you roll around in the mud with a pig, all that will happen is you'll get dirty too. Do yourself a favor: stay clean.

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    • profile image

      Abused Mother, 63 

      8 days ago

      When my daughter went through puberty, her whole personality changed. From sweet girl to monstrous manipulater. She is 37 now, my only child with 3 children.

      Once God gave me these precious grandchildren, i LIVED for those gifts of love - they are now 18, 10 and 6. I babysat/cared for them on and off, but consistently all their lives. As of this weekend I have to let go of the situation, as my physical and mental health is thinner than a wafer.

      I have put up with sooo much abuse from my cruel, pathological lying, ungrateful, uncaring, unloving, disrespectful daughter until i DO ceel dead inside.

      Thank you for this valuable article. The way you described how my daughter thinks was so on target. I am EXTREMELY grateful beyond woeds, as I have recently wanted to kill myself from all of my daughter's massive, massive hurt.

      Thank you SO MUCH for being so generous for posting this. I want to live now. I realize i am in danger of dying if i continue in a relationship with her.

      It will take me time to heal from not seeing my grandchildren - my heart - but i won't be in psychological pain every minute of every day trying to get her to love me. She is extremely dangerous and i now understand what my Psychiatrist and Therapist have been trying to get me to see for 3 years, now. So heartbreaking.

    • profile image

      I want to scream 

      3 weeks ago

      Oh my god !!! anybody remember the song about the boy 'strumming my life with his fingers' .....

      I am now in tears reading this.... because it's exactly what my life has been for last 30+ years and my story is far too long to relate it all here now.

      But the long and the short of it is I'm now 'stuck' with this bad tempered self pitying sick (cirrhosis , kidney failure on dialysis) 70 year old alcoholic with no way of 'escape'

    • profile image

      Chris 

      3 weeks ago

      I have spent the better part of a year trying to get my arms around what happened to my happy marriage. Something triggered my wife who became very intraverted until she found another man..then she began to make everything my fault. Simple things from not putting the tooth brush back exactly right or missing a water mark on the counter lead to her screaming and yelling. I came home to an empty house a year ago and the yelling has continued at every meeting we have had. The affair continues but I have become more and more evil just standing still and not giving into the crazy Tornado that ripped through our lives. When I back left of the storm to figure out what signs I missed it does appear my wife had signs and that a couple of crises on her side (changed jobs that went poorly, move to new city, huge income drop, and my job becoming very successful) triggered something very confusing for me and a run-away-bride that just stays very angry and picks on everything I do to include being exceptually kind and understanding...this article does a great job of summing up what had taken me a year to become emotionally stable enough to stop blaming myself and get my arms around...now what?

    • profile image

      Yaz 

      3 weeks ago

      Omg! This has been my life for the last six years and I constantly find myself explaining and trying to convince my significant other that I didn’t mean things the way she is taking them. She never believes me and takes offense to the simplest things. No matter what I say or how I say it she hears something completely different and I’m accused of being manipulative and evil. I can have all the evidence to show that she is wrong but as she has said several times she doesn’t care about the facts her feelings are her truth. Smh

    • profile image

      Jennifer Mathew 

      6 weeks ago

      Clair J. Simmons,

      You need to get out. Your children are paying the same price you are, even if they are not the direct target of the rages and abuse. They are learning the patterns and it is being wired in their minds. No matter how little money or hope you have, you can make a life outside this person work. Give yourself and your children a chance to have a happy life. Give your kids a chance to learn to live as authentic human beings and not turn out as narcissists. You have a duty to save them. Get all the charity from area churches you can. Get all the government help you can. Ask friends for help. Make a timelime to accept this help for 6 months to a year. By then you will have a job, your own apartment or home, etc. Look online for grants for single mothers. There are many. Use positive and respectful terms in your new home and in your head. Stay away from romantic relationships for a year or more until you feel stronger and more solid. A great way for you to heal (the best I've EVER seen is NARP - Narcissistic Abuse Recover Program by Melanie Tonia Evans. she has a low cost program you can buy and use on a computer or phone at home. She has free youtube videos, a free newsletter, etc. She is the WORLD's expert on narcissim. She has the only self-healing program on the planet that uses emotions and is very quick) Get out so your are not double cursed later in life by having narcissistic children!! Get out of the nightmare. Blessings - J. M

    • profile image

      Melanie S 

      8 weeks ago

      I'm dealing with a Narcissistic mother who has been this way with me my whole life and now that I have my own family, she is the root of all the tension. I have to accept I cannot change her or help her see. I related to this article entirely. Thank You..

    • profile image

      Haydn 

      2 months ago

      True True True!

      when you say yes to them they get confused and feel bad Because you were supposed to say no! even though you are agreeing to do something for them- when you say NO they fell Yes Yes Yes- ( I know you didnt like me--you are so selfish- don't care about me- don't want to do anything for me- you're so so so bad- I always knew it) if you do anything nice for them they perceive there is something sinister at play because in their mind no one can be nice to them- this is my personal experience- they actually said to me YES! when I said no to them, when I really could not do what they wanted me to do!

      Ever notice, when they want to talk some tripe to you they say to you, Listen to me! and then they say don't say any thing? just listen!- they want to project their present seething reality on you uninterrupted by you, their talking appliance.

      I am going to read this over and over

    • profile image

      Claire Jeanne Simons 

      2 months ago

      I forgot to add. My recent research has been due to me no longer allowing him access to my phone, this has caused him total and utter fury. Yes he’s always had passwords but now that recently added a password to my phone, I must be having that affair I’ve been accused of having for 17 years of being together. The fact is he goes onto my phone in search of anything he can find to use as proof that I ‘hate’ him. Wether it’s a comment to my friend that woman should rather wait till they are a bit older & wiser & know themselves to get married. (We met when I was 19 he was 29). Or a word amongst hundreds of interesting words I save but this words definition is “falling out of love”. I’ve clearly saved it as proof I don’t love him... here he goes a 3 hour rampage & swearing namecalling attack & 5 day silent treatment (our beautiful children will be witness their happy faces fall knowing another fight is on its way). 5 minutes prior to this we were on the beach playing and laughing the perfect happy family, but then he wanted to look through my phone to find something to ruin the memory with, no other reason, just “pass me your phone”. Ofcourse anything he can find and warp will do. Everything & anything can be twisted as proof to make a brilliant case that I am guilty to whatever he believes is truth.

    • profile image

      Claire Jeanne Simons 

      2 months ago

      I have read up on narcissism for the past few years. Finally discovering the hard painful truth but relieved to know I wasn’t going insane, it doesn’t make it easier but it does help just to know what exactly is going on. This has to be the most factual, spot on & unbiased article ever written. The fragile over inflated ego, the persecution complex, the extreme anger & over the top aggressive reaction to any insult slight mistake or disagreement. The insane accusations & the complete disinterest in hearing any explanation or reasoning. Everything is taken as a personal offense on his side. I have been ripped to shreds called horrific names for the most ridiculous things ie. 2 days before Christmas following a blissfully happy morning I was attacked & accused of trying to ruin his childhood photographs when a photo frame I had reprinted & lovingly hung up of him as a child was blown off the wall in a storm (along with other frames holding my childhood photo & our kids photos). But ofcourse I was trying to ruin his photos & erase his childhood memories. Stunned speechless is possibly the only reaction I have at these outbursts. Trying to defend myself creates more anger & name calling. Where do they come up with these things???. It’s just inhumane. If that’s what he thinks of me I must be worse than Satan himself?!? You wonder what they would actually do if you were infact guilty of a something serious like cheating. I often would think the way his behavior would be the way someone would possibly react in rage to catching their spouse in bed with their best friend!!! Oh right, because he can’t find his glasses & vehemently believes I have hidden them (because you know I like to try help find his belongings after I hide them to spite him, that’s what I obviously do, I might as well be in bed with his best friend when the rage sets in. The outbursts are whenever whereever sober drunk right after sex during a happy holiday or romantic dinner. It doesn’t matter, there’s no solid cause for it, one thing is definite though, it’ll never be in front of family & friends. Only the children get to be the unlucky witnesses & I get to be the very chosen guilty as charged criminal in this psycho circus of his. I’m so envious of the strangers & friends & random people who he treats like gold. To the rest of the world he’s such a gentle kind polite charming soul. People often comment that he must be such a wonderful husband they can’t imagine him ever getting angry... they have no idea the war zone the eggshells the fear & anxiety of a rollercoaster horror show that goes on behind closed doors & they sadly never will.

    • profile image

      Ironman 

      3 months ago

      Quote: "They're not even going to hear you. Ever notice that it seems like they are listening - and responding - to someone else when you're talking? Someone who is saying completely different things than what you are saying? That's because they are."

      This is so accurate. My ex gf would stare angrily somewhere up the wall instead of looking straight at me while debating and arguing. I remember telling her to look at me and not to some other 'figure' in her head. I wasnt sure back then if I was being too harsh but I sensed that she was not actually conversing with me when she was angry, it seemed she was addressing someone else. Her father figure perhaps. Thanks to articles like this Im learning that my gut feeling was right all along and that there's something terribly with a narcissistic character.

    • profile image

      Meri 

      5 months ago

      Best article ever! Explain a lot.

    • profile image

      Allan Lovinger 

      5 months ago

      I used to practice Yoga because my wife teaches it. She is also a licensed hypnotherapist and a fortune teller. We are both Democrats and watch a lot of television.

    • profile image

      FaithMPriddy 

      5 months ago

      I will have to try this. My bf is looking more and more like a narc. His ex tried to tell me but I just thought she was crazy like he told me.

    • profile image

      Eagle Stone 

      5 months ago

      This article is FANTASTIC. However, what if the only way they can get a reaction from you is through looks? i.e, illogical, circling conversations don't work on you but they know they can get you with parental alienation using 'looks'...

      Husband needed me to be the bad guy and used manipulation and abuse to drum this into our daughter... we escaped him, but now she has learned his behavior and does the same. I have tried ignoring completely but my son who is younger witnesses all this. I wonder if I should say something when she does it such as: I noticed you're doing secret looks because you are angry with me, but I want you to know that mummy is just trying to protect/help you, or something similar?

    • profile image

      Angela 

      6 months ago

      Brilliant. Thank you so much. This really is the way it was for me 3 years with a Narcissist and constantly walking on eggshells. It really makes sense.

    • Natalie Frank profile image

      Natalie Frank 

      8 months ago from Chicago, IL

      Wow, no kidding. But i think when we have a narcissist in our lives, especially when it us someone in an important role such as a family member, we fall into the trap of believing if we just explain it they'll understand the error of their ways and change. After all were both rational people and the problem is glaringly obvious. When that doesn't happen we just keep at it making ourselves crazy and getting incredibly hurt in the process. Thanks for writing this.

    • profile image

      Kris B 

      8 months ago

      I finally had the courage to leave my narcissistic husband. I would always take his remarks in stride. When I started reading about narcissist it was like they are talking about my situations!!! I could never tell a story right and never explain things the right way. I dreaded coming home from work cause the minute I walked in the door I was attacked by accusations and questioned about something. All I wanted him to say was "Hello Honey, How was your day"!

      He became such a procrastinator that the bills were turned over to collection agencies. Of course I was the one accused of spending too much $ when I'm the one working. He retired early at 54 almost 10 yrs ago and refuses to get a part-time job and instead does nothing. Since I moved out 5 mos ago he still thinks I'm coming back.

      I can't do this to myself. If I go back it would be the end of me spiritually, emotionally and physically

    • profile image

      Sj 

      8 months ago

      My narcissist is my boyfriend. I want to leave and he knows it now. He has his new hoes follow us everywhere, he tells them lies saying he promised his Nannie that he would always take care of me. But they drive by the farm everyday, our worksite, he tells them to do this. They show up at the gas station where he decides to get fuel. Or lunch at local fast food places, they will sit in borrowed vehicles and wear their hair in different ways or hats or dye their hair. And they have their friends help do it too. My truck is in his name ( I didn’t have credit back then to get a vehicle) he got it for me but I make the payments every month. He won’t let me leave with the truck, but he doesn’t want me to take him to court for it either. I know his lies and his dirt. So he is dragging me along and terrorizing me in the process. The last 3 years I had been seeing changes and more so when I started not listening to his wants...like I couldn’t wear pretty girly clothes, always had to wear Black T-shirt and jeans, no make up, no heels etc. but when I started wearing make up again he started cheating. He bought another cell phone and hides it or keeps it on him everyday. I can see his main phone in his hand talking on it but then his other phone (in his pocket) is vibrating and he looks at me through corner of eye to see if I noticed, can hear it vibrate on the bed when we sleeping cuz he sleeps with it in his pocket. He doesn’t change his clothes for weeks let alone take a shower for months at a time. Doesn’t brush his teeth either. The truck he is holding hostage to keep me from leaving still has 2 more years of payments unless I can find a bank to refinance it for me ( no credit history-I just started getting credit cards last year) so I am tied to this piece of crap or I give up my truck that I have paid over $30,000 of payments on it already. His hoes targeted my truck and started denting and scratching it when I go grocery shopping so I stopped driving my truck . Poor thing hasn’t been driven for a month up until last weekend and that was to go help him. He brags to them that he is a big professional business owner but they don’t know he can’t even buy fuel for his machines (he has a logging business) because he hasn’t paid the previous fuel bill, 2 different companies. I been helping him build his business last 9 years. Everything in his name, he inherited the business when his daddy died in 2008.he doesn’t like it when I tell him he shouldn’t do this or that. When he’s mad he takes it out on everybody else around it even if they weren’t the cause of his anger. Everybody else is the stupid motherf#cker or stupid n#gger and he is never wrong and he knows all the answers, he always interrupts you when you try to say something. He has tried to force me to go into hospital and found out if he had I could have pressed charges for kidnapping. Now he is trying to make me angry to hit him so he can either have me arrested or put in psychiatric ward by the law. He gets a thrill out of “hiding whatever he thinks he can hide”. Thrives on it. He hid our relationship for 6 months from his family before they strategized it to pop in on him. It’s a game to him. He always has to be in control over everybody. If you follow what he wants you to do , then your safe from him, but when you go against him, you aren’t safe from his volatile temper tantrums. He threw his phone at my face last October when I told him I found his fake Facebook. Busted my lip, loosened 4 teeth and left lacerations on my neck when he tried to keep me from leaving the house. He needs his ego fed on every day basis which is why he talks to these other girls. The new girl doesn’t realize all she doing is trapping herself in his snare. He is now getting her to do his dirty work for him. I know already that I can get him for emotional distress and battery. He is willing to refinance truck but I have to find bank that will work with me on it or get a co-signer (other than him). I have to learn to ignore his hoes. I just have better morals than his hoes and him. The hoes post how religious they are on Facebook but don’t practice what their church preaches. They don’t realize that once they have achieved what he wants out of them he will be done with them. Ho #3 gave him trichomonaisis and in turn he gave it to me. He still denies he has it even though a 2nd doctor recommended he be treated if he was exposed to it. He bought medication but hasn’t taken it. I have warned him that he can be sued for giving people std but he doesn’t believe me. I make him use condom now when we get intimate and I get checked regularly for stds. I have never had before this incident because I thought I chose clean partners but this has finally showed his true colors. It might be from being inbred. His mama married her uncle and knew it which is why she changed the date on her birth certificate and eloped to next state and got married then changed her birth certificate date back to original date. My boyfriend’s oldest brother was born mentally handicapped. Everybody in town still remembers, his mother does NOT socialize. She also manipulates or tries to. He has always gotten everything he has wanted except full attention from his parents because of his older brothers condition. He can’t stand being around his older brother. He is ashamed to let people know he has a handicapped sibling unless it’s to his advantage somehow. He calls his own mother “ woman” not traditional mama, or mom. He has pet names for me but when he’s around other people or when he is mad I am referred to as “hey”. He won’t use a name. He can’t even spell let alone know which is his left or right, not even his colors or tell time from a regular clock (not digital).because he always had his mother sign him out of school (she was assistant teacher) and have his daddy pick him up to take him out to the woods to logging business. He is very smart in fixing machines but not in everyday decisions or basic life skills. Does not know how to write a check let alone spell “truck”. Not good with numbers either, mostly guesses. Has me fill out checks or gets other people to fill out checks for him. It’s a constant staying on my toes after getting over the initial betrayal, disappointment, anger, disgust and hurt. Tell as many as you can, get support through family and friends try to turn table on partner but behind the scenes until you can get out. Take pictures, make copies, send copies to others you trust, keep list of names involved, research what you are dealing with, discuss with doctorand document EVERYTHING! Good luck to others like me and hopefully I can get through this without losing my sanity and dignity! Ignore the stalking but be aware of it cuz it’s your health that might be at stake. You never know if the stalkers actually have bad intentions or not. And you won’t know for sure until it’s too late. Don’t give them the satisfaction of taking your sanity! Be strong for YOU.

    • profile image

      Cheryl 

      9 months ago

      Ha! How true. I have 3 narcissistic siblings who had manipulated and controlled me for most of my life. Sadly, I didn’t have the backbone to stand up to them. So, even after all these years I’m still embroiled in their ways. Rising up to them required years of counselling and cutting them off my social media. But we have elderly parents so there’s no way I can keep out of their way entirely and that’s when I need a lot of wisdom to discern when I need to be in the mud but stay clean.

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