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Are You in an Abusive Relationship With a Narcissistic Woman?

I love giving relationship advice to help others have healthy relationships.

Narcissistic personality disorder is usually found in someone who is considered self-centered.

Narcissistic personality disorder is usually found in someone who is considered self-centered.

Sex and healthy relationships are synonymous. However, if you're involved with an emotionally narcissistic woman, the sex might just be for her own self-esteem and well-being. Many men are victims of sexually abusive women. Some men are physically assaulted, while others are victims of mental abuse.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is described as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. This type of person is usually self-centered, egotistical, smug, and fascinated with oneself. The narcissist has been described as turning inward for gratification rather than depending on others, and as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal power and prestige. Narcissistic personality disorder is usually found in self-centered people.

Common Narcissistic Behaviors

Narcissistic women possess three types of sexual behavior:

  • Hypersexuality
  • Hot and cold behavior
  • Frigidity

Often, the same woman can alternate between all three of these behaviors.

How a Narcissisitic Woman Uses Sex to Control You

Sex is all about control and boosting her ego. To narcissistic women, sex is not about expressing love, lust, intimacy, passion, or mutual pleasure. Narcissistic women use sex as a way to lure you into the relationship. Once she is confident that she's hooked you, sex becomes one of the tools to control you. She may either lavish you with sex or withhold sex from you.

Insatiable Sexual Performance

The sex will begins with a bang. It will be intense and exciting, yet deceiving. The sex is a symptom of the severity of her course of action. What will seem like intense passion to you is only her intense need to control and dominate you into submission. It's all about controlling you, not pleasing you.

How She Lures You Into a Relationship

A narcissistic woman will lure you into a relationship with unspoken promises of passionate sex. But, the conditions of fulfilling this promise is only if you "prove" yourself and if she "feels" she can trust you. A psychopathic swindler promises something they have no intention of providing, but a narcissistic woman uses seductive ploys and promises unclearly stated.

The passionate sex never materializes, and you will be required to continue proving that you are worthy of her. Nothing is ever enough for this type of woman. You'll never "be nice" enough, "do" enough, or be able to meet any of her changing rules. As a result, she'll never be required to "reward" you with sex. Sex is an obligation or favor to narcissistic women, and it will become an infrequent and reluctant chore.

This Is a Transactional Relationship

The relationship is more like a contract. She will require you to "give" something in order to "get" something from her. For instance, if you want to have sex, then you will have to provide her with something she wants or behave however she needs you to appear.

A narcissistic woman always has an agenda and does not do anything without a reason. It's a transaction, like, "You owe me because I let you have sex with me. I did my duty, so now you will pay me in return by giving me whatever I want."

Many men are grateful for just a bit of affection, and they learn to ignore the mechanical or disinterested way their partner responds to sex. You are either an object, a human vibrator, or something to make her feel like she's still got it.

She Mixes Shame and Sex

Sometimes, this type of woman increases her control by combining sex with shame. She may label you as "sick" or "abnormal" for wanting sex. You may hear statements like, "You're a pervert," "All you want is sex," or "You're a sex addict." Shaming you for natural desires is abusive and hurtful.

The narcissistic woman has sex only when she wants it, and many times this is after she beats you down, and you no longer have an interest in being near her. If you tell her you're not in the mood, she will accuse you of infidelity or of not loving her.

Sex is only about what she needs at the moment. It has nothing to do with your needs. You are nothing more than an object who exists to service her whims and insecurities.

There Is Sex, but No Intimacy

Narcissistic women are not usually good lovers. She may have mastered many sexual techniques, but sex is an act of true intimacy. If you see sex as an expression of love, playfulness, desire, and tenderness, sex with a narcissistic woman will never be enough.

You might think that your relationship is okay because the sex is great—when you're lucky enough to get laid, that is. But think again! Is the sex really that great, or is it preventing you from having the ability to recognize your abuse?

The 5 Elements of Loving Relationships

Love and a fulfilling sex life consist of five elements: vulnerability, trust, intimacy, empathy, and respect.


This requires someone to take risks and expose their true self. A woman with NPD would find it impossible to be vulnerable because she invests most of her life in developing an elaborate and rigid exterior, and any damages are kept within herself.


Most of us have this in a relationship. You trust that your partner will accept you and will not deliberately hurt you. However, a narcissistic woman trusts no one. She believes that everyone is out for themselves and is trying to 'pull one over' on her. She's only out for herself, and will endeavor to justify her actions by 'pulling one over' on you.


This should be about sharing and being physically and emotionally close. It's about sharing your good qualities and exposing your faults and insecurities. Intimacy is not something this type of woman will never do. She will constantly push your buttons in order to keep her vulnerabilities from being exposed, leaving you feeling unsafe and guarded.


This requires the couple to be in sync with each other, and each person should be able to understand the other's needs and wants. Empathy is not a quality found in an emotionally abusive woman. She doesn't care about any viewpoint other than her own. She refuses to feel vulnerable, and cannot or will not tolerate emotional or psychological intimacy. However, she can tolerate some physical intimacy, as long as it does not require respect. She might engage in hypersexuality or avoid sex altogether.


Narcissistic women do not give respect. This woman treats her husband or boyfriend as objects or possessions. She does not consider that his feelings or needs as being nearly as important as hers. In other words, she does not respect you.

Why Is She in a Relationship With You?

You are her normalcy prop. Involvement in a committed relationship or marriage provides her a “normal” appearance in the eyes of others, and your role is to maintain the image of her false self. Your presence says, “Look everyone. This man wants me, there's nothing wrong with me, and I'm normal.”

Narcissistic women cannot exist without attention—good or bad, it doesn't matter. She likes the idea of having a relationship, but the reality of it frustrates and disappoints her because you're not "perfect" or "good enough" for her. She will begin to resent you for this, leading to abuse and rage.

She'll play the role of a martyr to the hilt. She'll profess her love for you one moment, and cut you to shreds and shut you out of her life the next. A satisfying emotional and physical connection cannot survive with someone who does not like you and views you as a disappointment.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.