I love giving relationship advice to help others have healthy relationships.
Sex and healthy relationships are synonymous. However, if you're involved with an emotionally narcissistic woman, the sex might just be for her own self-esteem and well-being. Many men are victims of sexually abusive women. Some men are physically assaulted, while others are victims of mental abuse.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is described as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. This type of person is usually self-centered, egotistical, smug, and fascinated with oneself. The narcissist has been described as turning inward for gratification rather than depending on others, and as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal power and prestige. Narcissistic personality disorder is usually found in self-centered people.
Common Narcissistic Behaviors
Narcissistic women possess three types of sexual behavior:
- Hot and cold behavior
Often, the same woman can alternate between all three of these behaviors.
How a Narcissisitic Woman Uses Sex to Control You
Sex is all about control and boosting her ego. To narcissistic women, sex is not about expressing love, lust, intimacy, passion, or mutual pleasure. Narcissistic women use sex as a way to lure you into the relationship. Once she is confident that she's hooked you, sex becomes one of the tools to control you. She may either lavish you with sex or withhold sex from you.
Insatiable Sexual Performance
The sex will begins with a bang. It will be intense and exciting, yet deceiving. The sex is a symptom of the severity of her course of action. What will seem like intense passion to you is only her intense need to control and dominate you into submission. It's all about controlling you, not pleasing you.
How She Lures You Into a Relationship
A narcissistic woman will lure you into a relationship with unspoken promises of passionate sex. But, the conditions of fulfilling this promise is only if you "prove" yourself and if she "feels" she can trust you. A psychopathic swindler promises something they have no intention of providing, but a narcissistic woman uses seductive ploys and promises unclearly stated.
The passionate sex never materializes, and you will be required to continue proving that you are worthy of her. Nothing is ever enough for this type of woman. You'll never "be nice" enough, "do" enough, or be able to meet any of her changing rules. As a result, she'll never be required to "reward" you with sex. Sex is an obligation or favor to narcissistic women, and it will become an infrequent and reluctant chore.
This Is a Transactional Relationship
The relationship is more like a contract. She will require you to "give" something in order to "get" something from her. For instance, if you want to have sex, then you will have to provide her with something she wants or behave however she needs you to appear.
A narcissistic woman always has an agenda and does not do anything without a reason. It's a transaction, like, "You owe me because I let you have sex with me. I did my duty, so now you will pay me in return by giving me whatever I want."
Many men are grateful for just a bit of affection, and they learn to ignore the mechanical or disinterested way their partner responds to sex. You are either an object, a human vibrator, or something to make her feel like she's still got it.
She Mixes Shame and Sex
Sometimes, this type of woman increases her control by combining sex with shame. She may label you as "sick" or "abnormal" for wanting sex. You may hear statements like, "You're a pervert," "All you want is sex," or "You're a sex addict." Shaming you for natural desires is abusive and hurtful.
The narcissistic woman has sex only when she wants it, and many times this is after she beats you down, and you no longer have an interest in being near her. If you tell her you're not in the mood, she will accuse you of infidelity or of not loving her.
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Sex is only about what she needs at the moment. It has nothing to do with your needs. You are nothing more than an object who exists to service her whims and insecurities.
There Is Sex, but No Intimacy
Narcissistic women are not usually good lovers. She may have mastered many sexual techniques, but sex is an act of true intimacy. If you see sex as an expression of love, playfulness, desire, and tenderness, sex with a narcissistic woman will never be enough.
You might think that your relationship is okay because the sex is great—when you're lucky enough to get laid, that is. But think again! Is the sex really that great, or is it preventing you from having the ability to recognize your abuse?
The 5 Elements of Loving Relationships
Love and a fulfilling sex life consist of five elements: vulnerability, trust, intimacy, empathy, and respect.
This requires someone to take risks and expose their true self. A woman with NPD would find it impossible to be vulnerable because she invests most of her life in developing an elaborate and rigid exterior, and any damages are kept within herself.
Most of us have this in a relationship. You trust that your partner will accept you and will not deliberately hurt you. However, a narcissistic woman trusts no one. She believes that everyone is out for themselves and is trying to 'pull one over' on her. She's only out for herself, and will endeavor to justify her actions by 'pulling one over' on you.
This should be about sharing and being physically and emotionally close. It's about sharing your good qualities and exposing your faults and insecurities. Intimacy is not something this type of woman will never do. She will constantly push your buttons in order to keep her vulnerabilities from being exposed, leaving you feeling unsafe and guarded.
This requires the couple to be in sync with each other, and each person should be able to understand the other's needs and wants. Empathy is not a quality found in an emotionally abusive woman. She doesn't care about any viewpoint other than her own. She refuses to feel vulnerable, and cannot or will not tolerate emotional or psychological intimacy. However, she can tolerate some physical intimacy, as long as it does not require respect. She might engage in hypersexuality or avoid sex altogether.
Narcissistic women do not give respect. This woman treats her husband or boyfriend as objects or possessions. She does not consider that his feelings or needs as being nearly as important as hers. In other words, she does not respect you.
Why Is She in a Relationship With You?
You are her normalcy prop. Involvement in a committed relationship or marriage provides her a “normal” appearance in the eyes of others, and your role is to maintain the image of her false self. Your presence says, “Look everyone. This man wants me, there's nothing wrong with me, and I'm normal.”
Narcissistic women cannot exist without attention—good or bad, it doesn't matter. She likes the idea of having a relationship, but the reality of it frustrates and disappoints her because you're not "perfect" or "good enough" for her. She will begin to resent you for this, leading to abuse and rage.
She'll play the role of a martyr to the hilt. She'll profess her love for you one moment, and cut you to shreds and shut you out of her life the next. A satisfying emotional and physical connection cannot survive with someone who does not like you and views you as a disappointment.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
De on March 30, 2020:
Are they born or something happened
Ken Anderson on November 17, 2019:
Excellent information. Very practical and helpful.
Ashley on September 17, 2019:
Have just come out of a relationship with a woman like this and can honestly say i knew nothing about this disorder till was to late, again like alot of other victims i was put on a pedestal, told me she loved and adored me early into the relationship that encouraged me to let my barries down and soon as i did that and started showing her my love for her and doing everything i coukd for her she started criticising me,making me feel bad , constant moaning and endless selfies and portraying how good a woman she was on social media whilst treating me like i wasnt good enough and keeping me a secret ffom her admirers.... for 9 months this lasted and as i tried more and more to correct my faults or flaws in an effort to plese her...which i never did!!. She without warning and empathy left me and refused to give me closure or any reasoning as to why ... only that she didnt want me now.. this obviously hurt me for a while and most people would say u dont want this sort of woman who has not a care for you in your life...and there right but they manipulate it to make it feel it was you even tho you try everything you can ... and for me to make sense and give me closure was finding out about narcissistic behaviour and when i read the traits she had almost every one!!!.. i could not believe my eyes... all these traits were her to a tee and there was me thinking it was a result of my actions. My mistakes.... theres alot of knowledge for future relationships and red flags what to look for to be learnt from these sort of articles and ghe realisation that my relationship was with a very narcissistic woman has helped me have closure and make sense... these sort women and men will never be happy with any partner, they dont know how and its never enough....so dont blame yourselves
Sara on September 04, 2019:
I knew a women just like this. It was my mother and she openly abused my father about there sexual life. It was disturbing. I hope all men out there find the courage to leave. Nobody deserves this abuse.
Mike on June 08, 2019:
I am glad I found this information, I am not crazy , delusional or suck like my wife says
Sad to say her behaviour checks all the boxes. I wish I would have looked for information sooner . It won't change her, but it will change how I interact with her.
Ronald Skyway on March 25, 2019:
Wow. I just got dumped by a woman who was displeased with my sexual performance. She keeps texting me and calling me though. I'm not really interested in her other than to hook up now and then and after reading this, I don't even want to do that with her anymore...
Toine on February 22, 2019:
I only can say to everyone else who is in a relationship with a narcissist that you must choose for your own health and well-being now and in the future. When you stay in with the toxic partner they definitely try to destroy anything related to your goodness of life and love to raise up themselves against you. Now and in the near future
Dean on November 19, 2018:
I wish I would have known this information 25 years ago. It’s my marriage to a T.
Michael on November 19, 2018:
My girlfriend says her last husband was a narcissist, which may be true. But after reading this, I realize that she is also one. I didn't even realize it, that's the sad part. Now the hard part comes....how do I deal with it? I love her so much, and focus 99% of my time and energy on her and her happiness....I honestly do. This article has made me take a step back.
Markie on October 25, 2018:
This is me to the T.
Robert on August 31, 2015:
The only good thing they do is sex but use it as a weapon,but time is on our side. My ex looks like a mummy after she got in menopause and for them thats hell. They are mean and i dont feel sorry for any one of them.
Get out as fast as you can
Ivori on May 15, 2014:
The key word in your comment is "ex." That shows you are a winner and a survivor -- now, just take the time to heal. Thank you for your comment.
Screwed on May 14, 2014:
This was like reading a blow by blow account of my relationship with my ex! Thank you for clarifying so much!
Barbara Eisenberg (author) from Titusville on October 28, 2013:
Skippy - Unfortunately, it seems that people we love can hurt us unbelievably. Lives can be, not only altered, but ruined. As detrimental as physical wounds can be, outwardly those wounds heal. Mental wounds are not easily healed. I once read that 'healing' is not denying the damage that was done, 'healing' is living beyond the harm that happened. Unfortunately, many people believe they must be what or how they are being accused - however, that is not always the case, especially when dealing with a narcissistic personality. I'm glad you're on a healthier road!
Skippy on October 28, 2013:
Wow - you know, reading this helped me a lot, and explained a relationship that I was in years ago that really affected me (not in a positive way). I was engaged to a woman that, when the relationship started off, seemed to be really into me (so, the "hot" mentioned above). Then, slowly, she started pointing out all of the things wrong with me that I needed to fix. Now, I don't believe that just pointing out something to someone makes you a narcissist, but her criticisms covered every aspect of my being - my personality, physical appearance, dress, sense of humor, beliefs - none were acceptable. For the last seven years since that ended, every time I've looked in the mirror I've seen the things that she pointed out, and hated the person staring back at me. Only recently have I started to put that behind me and move on.
And totally agree with the points raised above by some of the ladies - it can totally happen to either gender, and your viewpoint is completely valid. I've known guys that are like this, and they've messed up plenty of women. I never really thought about it much until it happened to me, though (shame on me for not being more empathic...it truly is a horrible experience).
sameasu on April 02, 2013:
I think this sounds like my wife. See responds the same way to sex as mentioned. She treats it like chore. I have went 2 months without even asking for it or trying anything. If I turn her down when she wants it how will she respond? How does a woman with this type of personality respond if they think you are not interested in sex anymore? Thanks
Barbara Eisenberg (author) from Titusville on May 24, 2012:
Aaron - time will heal but the memories will not be forgotten. Although there are/were a lot of good times, but your future will be so much brighter. And, your 11 year old daughter could have been her next victim. I'm glad you opened the door to a whole new life - sometimes being "with" someone can be worse than being "alone." Good luck, Aaron, and thanks for your comments.
Aaron on May 24, 2012:
I was with a woman for about 4years in the beginning it was great lots of sex and she seemed in tune with me,then after the first year that all changed she would control me by doing what she wanted late nites out lying who and where she was at then when confronted she would turn it back on me make me think I was insecure or I was the one with the problem! I would send a Tex or try to call when she was at girls nite out this would be 1-2 in the morning I was mainly concerned she wouldn't drive drunk which she normally did and phone would be off or she would say she didn't have her phone on her regardless of what she was doing it was about control I'm going to do what I want even if it makes you worry or if it hurts you that's what she fed off of the hurt and it did hurt I think she wanted me to wonder what she was doing and by having her phone off or simply not responding made her feel empowered and in control! Then the constant break ups and at times she would be with someone else imediatley then find her way back in a month or two that roller coaster was always my blame! Then towards the end it got physical she attacked me choked me, hit and bit my nose for stating her 23year old son had little drive with a business I helped him start it was just in conversation amongst friends but it made her look bad in her eyes the altercation happened when we got home? Her ex husband warned me and her daughter hardly ever comes around now I know why! She recently kicked me out because of interest in someone else that's younger I guess that feeds her ego,! She has a lot of people fooled in the community and I even went as far as warning the new guy what he was getting involved with but he didn't listen I guess the sex she's giving has him blind just as it had me blind in the beginning! With her being attractive it makes this worse she can use het looks to easily deceive and manipulate the many men in her life it's unfair that these robots can go through life behaving this way, it's very destructive to others involved it's been 2 months since I've been away I'm still healing, but I realize my life and my 11year old daughter who witnessed the physical abuse that nite, we will be better off! I could say so much more!
Klincko on May 12, 2012:
So true my friend,thanx for the realism.
Dre on May 03, 2012:
Wow... Sounds like a woman I know!
ivori on May 02, 2012:
D jones, it's unbelievable how narcissistic people affect, and, sometimes, destroy the lives of everyone around them. Glad my article explained (or helped) the happenings in your life.
~D jones~ on May 02, 2012:
I was in a 5 year relationship ...I thought it would get better It didn't we shared a cell phone account. She made me upset and I wouldn't take any calls
She cut the phone off, proceeded to have a nasty attitude moved away to another city and didn't even bother to tell me then was pissed when I told her how I felt...thank you for this article..now I know why it could never be with us..
Barbara Eisenberg (author) from Titusville on April 12, 2012:
Hi Sallytwo - You are so right that this is not just related to females; men are also the culprits. However, I wrote this because I have a friend who endures treatment like this from his wife. However, I've also been affected by this treatment from a man, and yes, divorce was the key to my freedom and happiness. Good luck and thanks for your comment!
sallytwo on April 11, 2012:
Hey, I completely related to this article....except that I'm a woman who was married to a man of this nature. It was dehumanizing, made me feel like I was the crazy one, led to depression and other issues on my part until I finally saw the light and got divorced. Hallelujah!! My life has improved dramatically, sexually and in all other aspects.
So just to point out, it's not just a man problem....women experience the same thing with some men. And it's a lot harder to come to grips with as the stereotype is that women are like this. So lets acknowledge it together!!!
Thanks for "listening". This is the first time I've been able to publicly acknowledge it myself.
Robert on December 31, 2011:
Its incredible, its like reading the biography of the women that has destroy me in 6 yrs.thank you for your artcle things like this open my eyes and never marry her.you would not bealive how exactly she is to evrything you said
Thank you a lot will get rid of her asp
david a on October 13, 2011:
Here is a video of my experience with spousal abuse and parental alienation. I was married to someone who I knew had a high-conflict personality, but I was completely blindsided by what happened during our divorce. I hope others will learn from my experience and will take measures to protect their children before it's too late. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks.
Warning, strong language.
sexlessalso on January 20, 2010:
I think it's basically the control issue. I don't understand why it is such a fascinating habit with her that it blocks out our enjoyable past and preempts much of our future.
Barbara Eisenberg (author) from Titusville on January 19, 2010:
I worked with a narcissistic woman for several years. She loved to brag about what she did to him. And, this guy was a kind, loving husband; all around great guy. She had to be 'center-stage' or there was hell to pay! Thanks for your comment, sexlessalso.
sexlessalso on January 19, 2010:
OMG. You have hit the nail on the head and driven it in with one blow! This describes my wife to a T. Our 'conversations' are mostly about her telling her accomplishments at work and her value to the office. Her hobby is knitting--with nary a dropped nor uneven stitch. She avoids talking about our sex life--or rather the possibility of one at this point in our life. The first decades of our marriage sex was spontaneous, adventurous, opportunistic as well as patiently savored, and un-selfconscious. Oh for a return to those days. They are an almost unbelievable memory.
Thanks for your hubs on this subject. I am intrigued by the prospect of a 'seniors orgy'. Meanwhile, naturism seems healthy. You are blessed. Keep hubbing.
Benny Faye Ashton Douglass from Gold Canyon, Arizona on October 01, 2009:
Thanks for a very informative hub,thanks for sharing. creativeone59