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Red Flag Warning: Too Much Too Soon in New Relationships

Updated on April 13, 2017

Too Much Too Soon Is a Red Flag

There are so many lessons to be learned from past relationships, and many have written extensively about warning signs of a potentially dysfunctional relationship. Having learned many of my lessons the hard way, I want to share my personal experiences in hopes that others may avoid some of the heartache. The first red flag warning is when a new relationship is "too much too soon."

I realized that I have a history of relationships that are too much too soon. The most destructive relationship in my life started out with an exaggeration of this red flag — after three days of talking on the phone, we determined that we were soul mates and decided to meet in person right away. I was presented with a diamond bracelet on that first meeting, and although I knew it was too much for a first date, I ignored the red flag and accepted the gift anyway.

Before going to bed last night, I searched through some of my old love letters from various people. I found one from someone that I had never met in person — it was an internet romance. This particular person professed that their love for me was their reason for living. In hindsight, I’m thinking oh my god really? We hadn’t even met! But then I scrolled down to see a letter from me that encouraged that type of thinking. What a revelation, albeit shocking and disappointing!

Source

My Aha Moment

Here I was wondering why I attract the type of person who loves too much too soon, and realized it was because I have set up my relationships to be that way. I have always loved a new relationship, and the feelings of bliss and newfound love are like a drug. There have even been a few platonic friendships that felt similar, in which I felt like we’d known each other all our lives, that maybe we met in another life, and that fate has brought us together (yes, I believe in fairy tales). For days, all I would think about and all I would talk about was that new person in my life. I would fall head over heels in love with that person, or rather the fantasy of who I wanted that person to be. Some of my best works of poetry were in those moments!

This revelation led me to also realize that it goes even deeper- many of those new relationships were short-lived, and now I was on to finding out why! Being addicted to the high of new bliss, I realized that each new "soul mate" presented themselves in the best light possible. This is common knowledge in the dating process, and it is only after the bliss begins to settle down that couples begin to let down their guard. As the façade slips away, couples begin to see each other as regular people complete with flaws and weaknesses.

Reflecting back on each relationship, I loved each person just as much when they “became human” in my eyes. The fantasy was great, but the real person was even more endearing to me. So why then, did I flee so many relationships at this point? The reason is simple- as they began to look at the “real” me, noticing all of my faults and annoying quirky ways, I got scared. Rather than face the possibility of losing their love of the “real” me, I took flight and found another new relationship and new bliss to start the process all over again.

Aha! At the age of 44, I started feeling nauseous about the vicious cycle of the “love merry-go-round” and walked away from that carnival. My current relationship is with someone who has loved me for years, in spite of knowing the “real” me all along. Every one of my friends and family also know and love me for who I am. This is good, and I’m really enjoying leaving my guard down. No longer do I need to try to impress someone (well not much anyway), and I have much more inner peace and self-acceptance. It is much easier to laugh at my flaws and various little quirks, and on top of that I truly believe that I’m a wonderful person and a good “catch."

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    • profile image

      ichibanarky 6 years ago

      This is great advice for anyone whether in a veteran relationship or just starting out.

    • nybride710 profile image

      Lisa Kroulik 6 years ago from Minnesota

      I like your input as well. I'm so glad you were able to learn from your relationships and make better choices for yourself. We seem to have a lot in common. I turn 43 on Thursday and live in MN also.

    • Theresa_Kennedy profile image
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      Theresa Kennedy 6 years ago from Minnesota

      We do seem to have a lot in common, nybride! So glad to have run across you here.

    • profile image

      Website Examiner 5 years ago

      You have about you an aura of goodness. I mean that as a compliment. You deserve all good things coming your way. It is courageous and wise of you to have written this hub, like a benchmark. Excellent initiative and well-written.

    • Theresa_Kennedy profile image
      Author

      Theresa Kennedy 5 years ago from Minnesota

      Dear W.E.,

      Wow! Thank you so much for your kind words! And I am especially grateful that someone with your insights and amazing hubs has stopped by to read what I have written. Your encouragement means a lot!

    • profile image

      Kevin 5 years ago

      was that awesome or what? i totally needed that.

      Im in a similar situation!

    • L.L. Woodard profile image

      L.L. Woodard 4 years ago from Oklahoma City

      It is funny how we ignore that little voice inside that tries to warn us to be wary. It's true, sometimes we don't recognize the red flags or warning signs of an unhealthy attraction or relationship -- but often we do and move ahead as if that inner voice never said a word. I think life experience and emotional maturity are two factors involved in whether we heed the warnings or proceed full speed ahead.

      Kudos to you for the insights into your own needs and behaviors that lead you to the too-much-too-soon relationships and for having found a healthy relationship now.

      Voted up and Shared.

    • Theresa_Kennedy profile image
      Author

      Theresa Kennedy 4 years ago from Minnesota

      L.L. Woodard, thank you for your kind words, comments and "Vote and Share"- I really appreciate that! Like most of us, you sound like someone who's "been there done that" and like you said, gained enough emotional maturity through your experiences. Recently on Facebook, I saw a post that said "The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love." While it's meant to be humorous, there is a truth in that a chemical change affects the brain and we don't have any control over it -dopamine (the pleasure chemical)- and it's often a struggle to allow wisdom to overpower that chemical reaction. I just might post that within this hub! :)

    • profile image

      Grace 4 years ago

      Love me just the way I am - the real me - whole package complete with shortcomings,flaws and weaknesses! That is how i want to be loved!

      So it will be vice-versa!

      Often than not, guys go for the looks and appearances rather than the personality and character!

      Whereas, gals are wired emotionally, so we respond much easily to touches, honey words and quality time spent 2gether!

      So we fall in love differently - gender differences yet the same pleasure chemical is at work in our brains!

      We fight against that God-given intuition (for gals) when our emotions get the upper-hand and we get carried away...

      Guys visual aids lead them to act during that moment especially their brains are wired to think of sex most of the time!

      Anyway, gals still need to guard our hearts for it is the well-spring of life!

      So do not ignore the red flags - they are the tell-tale signs of an unwanted relationship! Watch out as it is too good to be true!

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