I am always jealous of those people who can spew out with a snappy come-back right away. I usually think of something to say an hour too late. It is infuriating! Has that ever happened to you?
But don't fear, shown below are some of the greatest comeback lines. As Ron Popiel would say, "But wait, there's more!" That's right folks! These lines can also be used to start an argument, inflame family members, end a marriage, alienate coworkers and become un-friended on Facebook. They will also come in handy when you're trying to come up with that special "zinger" during a message board flame war.
Ah, the possibilities are endless! Read on you Insulting Newbie. Read on...
- You have the right to remain silent. Sadly, you lack the ability to do so.
- Why don't you slip into something a little more comfortable, like a coma!
- If at first you don't succeed, you should have listened to me from the beginning!
- I would agree with you, but then both of us would be wrong.
- Sarcasm is my natural defense against your stupidity.
- I can remove 95% of your "beauty" with a wet kleenex
- I am so sorry. I did not mean for the middle of my sentence to interrupt the beginning of yours.
- Have I been drunk our entire relationship?
- "Be yourself" is the worst advice I can give you.
- When scientists find the center of the universe, how upset will you be to find out that it isn't you?
- Yikes! For a moment there, I almost gave a crap.
- I didn't intend to hurt your feelings when I called you an idiot. I thought you already knew it.
Do you need some duct tape to fix your stupid?
Ah, the fine art of insulting people. Those who have mastered the skill can do it with ease. The pinnacle of success is when you can do it and the target doesn't even know. I have years of practice ahead of me before I even stand a chance of being considered in that league.
Have you thought about using some of these inappropriate comments in an argument with your spouse, significant other or coworkers? Like I said before, these sarcastic one-liners can come in handy in many situations!
Warning: Using these products can be hazardous to your health, your employment, your marriage, and your membership in your Church. Please use with great discretion. The owners of this product cannot be held liable if the police never find what remains of your corpse after you used these without due care.
- I feel miserable without you. It's almost like you were here.
- I won't say that you're stupid. You are, but I won't say it.
- You are the reason I need medication.
- Did you say something? I was busy ignoring you.
- You didn't fail. You just found 1,000 ways that don't work.
- How about a nice warm cup of Shut the Hell Up?
- Don't make me un-friend you!
- Amazingly enough, I don't give a rat's ass!
- I should respect your opinion, but you are an idiot.
- I see your lips moving, but I have no idea what you said. I just keep thinking about that cute Barrista at Starbucks.
- I don't need Anger Management class. You need Shut-the-Hell-Up class.
- Please stop interrupting me while I am ignoring you.
- I'm not fluent in "stupid." Please speak slowly.
- I see I am on the third ring. Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and now Suffering!
- I think you need a High-Five...In the Face...With a Book.
Have you ever been jealous of Simon Cowell's ability to come up with snarky comments during American Idol? I used to watch that show just to see how he creatively insulted the contestants. Morbid? Yes. Do I need a lengthy series of counseling sessions? Sure.
I like to look at the bright side and think about how my psychosis will be the subject of a young Psychology student's doctoral thesis...doesn't that make me a good person? I didn't think so...
- I refuse to enter a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
- Admitting you're an asshole is the first step.
- You're one more stupid comment away from living the rest of your life with 10 cats.
- You're not yourself today. That's an improvement!
- I hope your next period happens while you are in a shark tank!
- My superpower is sarcasm. I can insult people without them knowing it.
- You're so fake, you made Barbie jealous.
- I've stepped in puddles deeper than you.
- I wear heels bigger than your [censored]!
- Sarcasm seeps from my mouth like stupid does from yours.
- Of course I don't hate you. I just don't like your existence.
- You would be amazed at how excited I am to tell you "Goodbye".
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
What is Your Favorite Insult or One-Line Zinger? Please Share!
Holly on December 17, 2017:
I am friends with these girls i dont really like , they are so rude , fake and but they are popular ... I want out if the relationship !! But without making them all come at me , what should i do ?
Andy on September 02, 2017:
Definitely using this, there funny as well as insulting, here's one, " if I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart real loud." Ha! end of discussion, just don't say it to your boss though.
Lisa on November 21, 2016:
Ha Ha Ha, amazing
Matt on November 12, 2015:
These might be bad for me...every time I read one I pictured myself saying it to my boss...
McKinley Gregg on February 07, 2014:
This is funny and awesome I will SO use these!!
kkuma01 on January 25, 2012:
OK this is tooo funny!! Loved it. My one-liners are usually custom made to the person I'm speaking to. Don't have a favorite...just a favorite target. That's anyone that is purposely hurting someone else.
Asahda Shavaja Poet of the New Age from New York City on January 25, 2012:
Hilarious. Nice hub I must use some of those lines. makes me want to make my own up too. great. vote up