Profile of the Other Woman: Why Men Cheat

Personality Profile of a Serial Cheater

Some people suffer from an addiction to adrenaline and seek out experiences that will give it to them. Chronic cheaters are often among these adrenaline chasers and have a "Type T" personality, with the "t" standing for thrill. These are the kind of people who are more prone to thrill-seeking behavior in general.

Adrenaline is produced by the endocrine system and is released through the thyroid, pancreas, and the sex organs. Thrill seekers experience a feeling of euphoria from the release of adrenaline in the body. Because it feels good, Type T personalities often seek out activities that encourage adrenaline release, such as extreme sports or cheating (the topic this article deals with).

Men and women who are serial cheaters often have Type T Personalities and actually get a high from the feeling of engaging in taboo behavior.

What the Other Woman Has that You Don't

The first thing you need to know is that the Other Woman doesn't have anything that you don't. Your man will cheat with her because of what the unique opportunity she provides him. Women who set their sights on married men often do so with animal-like aggression, a turn-on to men who love the rush of being hunted like prey.

When these women unleash their feminine power, men are entranced, usually before they realize what they are walking away from. According to a study conducted by, 60% of married men have admitted to cheating while only 2% of these men were caught or later confessed. Only 10% of these affairs were one-night stands.

While a women falls in love with a man for who he is, a man falls in love with the way a woman makes him feel. The Other Woman knows how to make your man feel excited, charged, appreciated, and adored. The excitement he gets from this attention can be quite addictive. It's how he felt when he first met you.

What's in It for Him (Outside of the Obvious)

Besides sex with someone new and exciting, your man gets that old feeling of butterflies in his stomach when he thinks about and sees the other woman. If he is in a midlife crisis, an affair may be the fuel he needs to feel better about his life. A man with mother issues may seek a nurturer to make him feel safe and secure.

Regardless of his reasons for cheating, a man cheats to fulfill needs that are not being met in his current relationship, which could be excitement, variety, companionship, or a rush of adrenaline.

The Other Woman doesn't have to clean up after him.
The Other Woman doesn't have to clean up after him.

What's in It for Her?

His Money

Many women seek out married men simply for money and gifts. Some women like to be wined and dined and have an enjoyable evening out on someone else's dime. Other women do it for the gifts of jewelry, cash, and lingerie they get from their married boyfriends. Some women even specifically target married men and then request cash payments to keep the affair secret.


Why would any woman in her right mind want a married man instead of a single man who has the time to devote to her? Throughout history, woman have long been attracted to married men for various reasons. For one thing, independent women do not want the inconvenience of having a man around 24/7.

This type of woman prefers to have her fun and then send him home so she can enjoy some peace and quiet. They don't want to have to deal with a man on a daily basis. A married man with commitments is not only fun and "taboo," he is easier to keep at arm's length.

When a woman seeks a relationship with a married man, she doesn't have the hassle of doing his laundry, cleaning up after him, raising his children, dealing with his family, preparing his food, organizing his piles of clutter, worrying about his health and diet, or smelling his morning breath. Luckily he has a wife that deals with these trivial issues.

A No-Strings Attached Relationship

Overall, the Other Woman seeks out a relationship with a married man because she wants only the best of a man while skipping out on the less desirable aspects of a relationship. The Other Woman wants your husband because he has a stellar wife that manages the boring aspects of a real relationship.

She takes only the best of your husband's attention, sexual energy and expression, money, free time (including vacations), and thoughts. She then sends the married man home to a wife who must deal with the reality of the relationship, including his tiredness, lack of sexual interest, and distraction. She does not have to deal with him when he has emotional needs, when he is sick, or has family issues.

Three Things He Can't Understand

Sadly, while the man is wrapped up in the thrill of the chase, he can't think about the long-term effects of his actions. Whether his plans with this woman include an exciting short-term affair or building a lasting, long-term relationship with her, there are three things he does not stop to consider.

1. What the Other Woman Really Wants

Women who specifically seek to have affairs with married men are in it because they like the thrill of the hunt and seek out men who are "taboo." They love the challenge of getting a married man to compromise his marriage and family and obtain a sense of fulfillment and victory when he chooses her over his wife. In most cases, the woman isn't as interested in the man as she is in the chase.

2. What Happens After the Affair

For those women with a thrill-seeking personality type, the relationship usually ends when the thrill of the chase comes to a close. Once she has the married man in her talons, she may toss him around a bit, but very rarely will want anything else from him. She has captured him, taken what she wants, and prepared to move on to her next conquest. Some women enter into long-term relationships with their lovers, but many grow bored early on.

Sadly, men don't stop to consider that they are entering into a relationship with someone who does not respect the boundaries of relationships (which is probably not very important to him because he obviously has no respect for marital boundaries). Yet, these men later become shocked and astounded when the women for whom they have given up everything cheat on them.

3. What His Infidelity Really Means

In some cases, affairs occur because two people actually fall in love with each other. However, a woman who sets out to capture a married man with children is not showing true love. True love does not take a man away from his family and potentially devastate the futures of his children. Any married man who falls in love with someone else should consider the needs of his family as well as his own needs. Before becoming sexually involved, a couple should make plans that take their spouses and children into consideration.

Infidelity is a painful situation to be in. If this has happened to you, remember that the Other Woman has actually done you a favor. Now you can focus on finding someone who is worth your love.

Famous Homewreckers

  • Angelina Jolie set her sights on Brad Pitt when he was married to Jennifer Aniston.
  • Michelle McGee broke up Sandra Bullock's marriage soon after Bullock and James adopted a baby.
  • Rose McGowan caught producer Robert Rodriguez who had 5 children and had been married for 16 years with Elizabeth Avellan.
  • LeAnn Rimes had to deal with the negative publicity of her romance with a married man.
  • Denise Richards and Richie Sambora hooked up behind Heather Locklear's back.
  • Kristen Stewart of Twilight fame broke Robert Pattison's heart by cheating on him.

Are Married Men and Women Fair Game in Dating?

  • Yes. If they are willing, there is nothing wrong with it.
  • No, marriage is sacred.
  • It depends on the situation.
  • Not sure.
See results without voting

Sources Used:

Dr. Kaye. Type- T Personalities. 5 July 2012. Available:

Shugerman, Lindsey. Percentage of Married Couples Who Cheat. Available:

More by this Author

Comments 135 comments

carol7777 profile image

carol7777 4 years ago from Arizona

well written hub about an age old problem ..It is understandable why men find other women attractive. At home there are kid, money and a gazillion other issues to deal with daily. How nice for them to have excitement and fun and no issues---unless the other woman wants more than the man is willing to give or give up. Pretty high percentages. I have so many friends who are on successful second marriages. What is really bad is when the man cheats on his mistress..and that happens more than you know. I am voting this very well written article up and sharing.

billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

Excellent job using keywords, and you handled a problem as old as mankind very well. I hope this hub brings awareness to some who need it the most. Well done Tammy!

dwachira profile image

dwachira 4 years ago from Nairobi, Kenya

This is a serious problem in the society and particularly in marriages. The facts and figures you have put here are worrying but i like this fact: {A woman falls in love with a man for who he is. A man falls in love with the way the woman makes him feel.} Great article, voted up and useful.

Ruchira profile image

Ruchira 4 years ago from United States

This has been a menace in our society. Man and woman tend to mingle on the wrong side and create a havoc in the society.

You have addressed the issues well and I am sure you loved the challenge of writing with only keywords so exciting, Tammy :)

three cheers to that!!

voted up and sharing it across

alocsin profile image

alocsin 4 years ago from Orange County, CA

A very wise hub that should be read by all couples, if only to see the warning signs and to find ways of strengthening their relationships. Voting this Up and Useful.

RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

omg! I am so LMAO! You are right on so many counts! Now here's the lucky thing for me - my husband is so oblivious to flirting, another woman would have to hit him over the head with a skillet and tell him she was flirting:) hahahaha

Let me tell you Tammy - my husband has a very winning personality. He is charming, fun and cute. The ladies are really attracted to him. I am not a jealous wife - I don't really care and I do see why:) lol My sister works for a client of mine. My husband is very well known in the business and everyone is always talking about, "how wonderful that Dave is!" Sick! hahaha

I just keep him off guard by reminding him that he can go home with whomever he likes. He still likes me:) lol

GREAT and fun hub!

Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

this very thing happened to me Tammy.. it is very painful.. the situation was so horrible I ended leaving my husband and living with my son and his family and I liked it so much I wouldn't come back when my husband asked me to forgive him.. lol but things are so much better now.. I am happy. bless you for writing this



DanaTeresa profile image

DanaTeresa 4 years ago from Ohio

This is a wonderful treatment of this issue. I have known men and women that have cheated, and I have ben on both ends of it myself, and you are right about so many things here. This is why it is important for couples to stay connected and to stay open and honest with each other. If the man (or woman) isn't getting what they need from the realtionship, they should talk to their spouse and address the issue, rather than going elsewhere. They might be happier for it, or they might realize it is time to part ways....

Very interesting hub. a lot of food for thought.

jojo29 profile image

jojo29 4 years ago from CA

that's just about it. You pretty nailed most of the reasons. Great hub

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Yikes carol7777! I can honestly say that the mistress shouldn't be surprised if she is cheating on. This is such a terrible problem. Thanks for reading and commenting.

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks Billybuc. I am trying some keyword rich hubs and the new.. exclusive hubs to see if they make any difference in earnings. They aren't as fun to write, but we will see where they go. Thanks for stopping by!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks for reading and commenting dwachira. It is a serious and alarming problem in all societies. Thank you for reading!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks so much for your wonderful comment Ruchira. I appreciate that!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks alocsin. Perhaps it will make people stop and think about what they are getting into.

Lastheart profile image

Lastheart 4 years ago from Borikén the great land of the valiant and noble Lord

Good article, I hope this gets to those who are cheating and to those that are in risk as well as those that are really in love. This is a delicate problem that many see as a game. Risking trust is not good. I just don't understand why "cheating" takes place. Isn't it better to just split before hurting? A cheater is a thief. sad...I wish cheating wouldn't be part of relations.

abbykorinnelee profile image

abbykorinnelee 4 years ago from Ripon Wisconsin

Very well written

dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 4 years ago

Your statement "A man falls in love with the way the woman makes him feel." is so true. I've been trying to explain this to women for years! Men feel loved the most when a woman shows she desires him. It is not enough to never reject him for sex. He wants her to initiate it/seduce him sometimes, continue to flirt with him and use sexual innuendo now and then. Women on the other hand are used to having men persue them this way. However if a man is not getting the (I can't get enough of you) at home and another woman comes along and tells him he is hot and can't stop thinking/dreaming about him he will eventually melt. It's a case of Nurture Vs Neglect.

I believe there are 3 basic cheaters. 1) The incessant cheater (He loves to flirt, is charming, and believes variety is the spice of life. Most likely he has never been faithful in any relationsip)

2. The unbelievable opportunity cheater. (He was not looking to cheat but a once in a lifetime opportunity presented itself. A fantasy woman comes on to him or makes it known she is available for one night. He gives in to temptation and then feels guilty about it. He may come forward one day and tell his wife to rid himself of the guilt.

3. The discontented cheater. (This guy is unhappy with his marriage for whatever reason. He feels neglected, unappreciated, sex and passion are missing, his wife complains and never compliments him. Under this scenario it won’t take much for a stranger to put a smile on his face or in his heart. He may consider his “options”. It is worth noting that women initiate 66% or 2/3rds of all divorce. Unhappy married men are most likely to cheat than run down to the courthouse to file for divorce.

Faith Reaper profile image

Faith Reaper 4 years ago from southern USA

You are very wise Tammy,

I have been married to my husband for 34 years, and as far as I know, LOL, he has never cheated on me, but then I was, as you stated, doing the "trivial" Ha . . . things in life, such as raising his children and keeping a home, etc. I have never been a jealous type and just really have never even had any thoughts of him cheating. Your statement of how painful infidelity is to the whole family, is one that you would think one would heed and take into consideration before destroying a whole lifetime of marriage, or however long the marriage. It is really sad when young children are involved. My poor son has gone through this, and he has custody of his two very young children (2 & 4), and they do not even have a clue who their real mother is, due to this type of issue, as well as they would be placed in harms' way, and he is only 24 years old. He was devastated to say the least, but realized he did not really know the woman he married. Our family knew something was not right, and we were right, unfortunately. My son and his girls (our granddaughters) wound up living with us for almost 18 months. Very sad indeed. I think having a great friendship to begin with and really knowing who the person you are going to marry really is in his or her heart, makes all the difference in the world. Voted up, interesting and useful In His Love, Faith Reaper

Rolly A Chabot profile image

Rolly A Chabot 4 years ago from Alberta Canada

Hi Tammy... what a great write this has been to read. You have done very well here. We have become a throw away society. We just toss it and move on.

I attended a wedding a few years ago, it cost the parents of their little princess a small fortune to give her the best of everything on her special day. 7 months later she is moving back in with them, the marriage failed. Her response when I asked "But what a party that was heh."

So very sad... commitment is commitment... thanks for this one.

Hugs from Canada

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Ms. Debbie, I hope you know that his actions were about him and not about you. You are the most beautiful, charming, elegant southern lady. You deserve so much better and I am glad you have found happiness!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks Dana Teresa. This problem occurs on both ends of the spectrum for many different reasons. I think people should think about the consequences of a quick thrill. Thanks so much for your insightful comment.

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks so much jojo29.

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

I agree with you Lastheart. Once trust is lost, no one ever feels the same about a person. Great insights!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks abbykorinnelee!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Wow dashingscorpio! I love your theory of Nurture v. Neglect (that would be a great hub by the way). I think you nailed the types of cheaters. I would say that the incessant cheater is the type T personality cheater that is addicted to thrill seeking. It is great to get an indepth male perspective on this issue. Very helpful!

Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 4 years ago from United States

You certainly covered this topic very thoroughly and it is a growing problem, not that it is a new problem. I think women are certainly more aggressive when it comes to men than they once were. It is sad the thrill of a quick romance often damages the wife and children so much. Very well-written hub.

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks for sharing that Faith. Bless your son for raising two daughters alone. I have seen in different hubs how much you enjoy them. They are blessed to have your support. This is very, very sad, but it is probably a good thing this woman walked away from these girls when they are young and didn't expose them to years and years of damage from her attitutes and behaviors. I really like your statement that friendship in a relationship makes the biggest difference. Great insights. I appreciate you reading and sharing!

Lord De Cross profile image

Lord De Cross 4 years ago

Well done Tammy. The thing is, how many cheaters are out there who never got caught. Sadly, society and family will have to carry an emotional load for years. Morality is at stake when there is no real comitment in a relationship. Younger generations are in another dimension and we don't think it will get any better. Nice read from our Tammy!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks for reading and commenting Rolly. We really do have a throw away community. Things are not like they were when I was young when a handshake and someone's word actually meant something. I appreciate your visit!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Good to see you Pamela99. I am not sure what the statistics are, but toooo many children are affected adversley by cheating and divorce. This is such a sad fact. Thanks for stopping by!

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Tammy....I confess. It must be my age, as well as the extensive experience I had with an "X"....who didn't have a Mistress, but is a serial cheater......I don't know which is worse, but at this point in my life, I also don't give a damn, which is worse.

Well, I guess according to the story in the greatest History book of all, "The Bible,"......Since the very beginning of time, there has been only ONE woman ever, who never needed to worry about her man cheating....and that was EVE. LOL

You did an absolutely marvelous job with this, Tammy. ....UP +++

Anil and Honey profile image

Anil and Honey 4 years ago from Kerala

Good, this is the current subject , you are good writer, thanks.

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

You are right Lord de Cross. Makes me wonder where morality goes in these times. I am also afraid that I agree that there isn't a rosy outlook for the next generation either. Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

HI tammy, so true! and the one thing that always makes me say 'ha got him' is when the stupid man leaves his wife only to be dumped the other woman, they always forget that the woman gets bored, great hub tammy, and voted up!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

I am sorry this happened to you too fpherj. It breaks my heart to know that this has happened to so many wonderful women. I have dealt with this and other vices with an ex.and I didn't think I would ever get over it. Very insightful.. I think you are right about Eve... That was dead on. I just women thought more of each other than to do this to one another. Thanks so much for your wonderful comment.

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks so much Nell. Those who get in relationships with cheaters tend to forget that these people just don't change.

cclitgirl profile image

cclitgirl 4 years ago from Western NC

Interesting read, Tammy. Well-thought out and cogent. It's interesting to have a look into the woman who would pursue a married man. I've never been able to figure that out, but after reading this, it has definitely offered some insight. Thanks for sharing and compiling this. ;)

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks so much cclitgirl! I appreciate you reading this. Not all women are gal pals like you. LOL!

always exploring profile image

always exploring 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

Interesting hub..I certainly learned a lot. Funny comment about Eve and true.haha

rcrumple profile image

rcrumple 4 years ago from Kentucky

Interesting hub. There are no innocent parties when it comes to messing around on a spouse. I've had a couple of friends over the years that had wives that spent well beyond their means. So, these guys worked extra hours to pay for it since they loved their wives. In both cases, the wives blamed the husbands for never being home as reasons for messing around on them. There's always an excuse if one searches for it. So sad, but so true. Great Hub!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

I agree always exploring. You never know what Ms. Paula will come up with, but you can be certain it will be intelligent and hilarious. Thanks for reading!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

That is a very sad thing for a wife to do to a husband rcrumple. I know so many women who want so much AND complain when their husbands work to much. It is a shame for people to use another in this way. Thanks so much for sharing that.

prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 4 years ago from malang-indonesia

I must admit to you that I learn many things here. Thanks to remind me as a man. Voted up!

Best wishes, Prasetio

healthylife2 profile image

healthylife2 4 years ago from Connecticut, USA

Interesting analysis of a common issue although the few marriages I recently heard about were because the woman cheated but I think the same exact information applies. If any of the affairs turned into real relationships they would never work because real life issues would enter into the picture. It's sad that there are many that don't value what they have. A marriage may not always be as exciting but in my opinion is the most fulfilling and some people get swept up in the excitement and realize this too late. Voted up!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks so much for reading and commenting Prasetio. It is good to see you. :)

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

You share some very wise thoughts here healthylife. The older I get the more I realize that women seem to be just as guilty of affairs and cheating as men. It is just a sad thing and people don't really think about what marriage entails and can't grasp how long a lifetime can be when they agree to marry. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Mama Kim 8 profile image

Mama Kim 8 4 years ago

Well.. I am now so happy my husband has only one female co-worker (his mom) and is addicted to video games! I always know where he is. I've known men just like the women you've described... I've been pursued a couple times when I was still working. It's sick how they think it's some kind of game, like marriage is a joke! They are the reason my husband and I decided I start to be a housewife a little early (originally it was not going to start until we had our first child) I was so thankful to escape the harassment (especially since the company wasn't doing anything about it)

Fantastic hub you've written! Excellent points made and quite informative ^_^ voting and sharing!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

You know Mama Kim, I have heard so many women complain that their husbands are gamers. I think like you do, at least they are home. You and your husband sound like an awesome couple by putting your relationship first. I think that is vital to a successful marriage. You shared some excellent thoughts!

moonlake profile image

moonlake 4 years ago from America

We will be married 50 years on Saturday. I let him know from the beginning no cheating or I leave and he felt the same way. I don't check his wallet I trust him. If I can't trust him why be married to him. Maybe some women don't feel that way but if he decides to cheat nothing I can do about it. We know friends that have played those games and are no longer married. There is no excuse for a spouse messing around if that's what you want to do get out of the marriage. Voted uP!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Congratulations Moonlake! That is a rare accomplishment today. I hope you have a grand celebration. I totally agree with you on the trust. If it isn't there, people shouldn't marry. Thanks for stopping by.

Genna East profile image

Genna East 4 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

“However, a woman who sets out to capture a married man with children is not showing true affectionate love by seducing him away from his family and potentially devastating the futures of his children.”

Absolutely, Tammy. I am dumbfounded by men who fall for this type of female. I’d would say, ‘woman,’ but I don’t think that definition applies. ‘It takes two to tango,’ is something that all women who are victimized in this type of situation should remember.

When I see how aggressive some single women are out there, today, I am shocked. Maybe I’m just old fashioned. Excellent hub, Tammy!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks for stopping by and commenting Genna East. It is a terrible thing. Men really need to stop and think beyond how flattering it is to have a woman chase them and think about the consequences.

thelyricwriter profile image

thelyricwriter 4 years ago from West Virginia

Tammy, great article! Voted up, useful, awesome, interesting, and shared. Really makes me think. I am a 29 year old man, been with my wife for 10 years. Never have cheated nor thought about it. I am happy and would never hurt my wife. I guess I am lucky or perhaps her. I don't believe in cheating. If you want to cheat, get divorced. If you're into that thing, why get married? You make great points all the way through Tammy, awesome work as always.

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

You guys sound like an awesome couple lyricwriter. There are still good spouses left in the world and I am glad!

PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon


my ex wife cheated on me, though never admitted to it even though she was caught. now, when I get flirted with (which happens a lot, obviously ;-) ) I do feel a rush, and then I feel guilt. I don't invite it and I don't pursue it but it is nice to feel hunted. Fortunately, I have a gorgeous and loving wife, so it makes it easy to smile and walk away.

That being said, knowing how visual men and how important feeling wanted is to them, I feel wives a responsibility to keep looking sexy One of the reasons he married you is because he thought you were sexy) and to still be kind, loving and supportive. men need that. If they're not getting it at home, they'll get it elsewhere.

Just my two cents. Up and shared.

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks for sharing that insight PDXKaraokeGuy. I am sorry that you were cheated on, I know how it feels too. :( I do think each member of the marriage should maintain themselves and agree the woman should especially. Most guys don't need much of an excuse to cheat. Thanks for stopping by!

barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 4 years ago from Hemet, Ca

It is sad that these days articles like this even need to be written because what that means is people no longer believe in the sacredness of marriage. Being married is tough, however it is up to both people in the relationship to work on the relationship. Cheating can happen because the couple gets into a rut and gets bored. Not an excuse, but it does happen. On a good note - at least if the cheater gets caught - true colors show through! Very well written hub!

abbykorinnelee profile image

abbykorinnelee 4 years ago from Ripon Wisconsin

It is super rare today, but those men still exist. Every boyfriend and both my husband's cheated on me. Turns out the only one not to was my very first real boyfriend from ninth grade, I used to think that was the saddest thing ever except after fifteen years of not seeing him I had grown to see him in a different light and regreted walking out on him at 18 years old...and it brought me full circle with him in my path again and maybe sometimes it takes us being cheated on to recognize the things we need to that we had been matter what those things might have been...that cheating on me turned me into cheating back and i am a loyal person who never would have been capable before. Now I can honestly say that I would never do it to anyone else ever again, and I may have a chance to be with the one person who has the same values I have had and values marriage the same way I do. You never know what lessons God has up his sleeves for us but those that are cheated on face different emotional and mental challenges that might not have been faced if they hadn't experienced it. It is all about our soul finding itself pure and balanced I think. Something we don't necessarily think about often if not at all. This day and age there are so much more temptations in our path and there is a society that has less and less moral and values as a part of it that we lose ourselves in it sometimes. Maybe it is just another way for us to see that we have things to think about that we don't. Just a thought. Feeling a little philosophical at the moment.

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks so much for commenting and sharing that insight barbergirl. If you look at the quiz in this hub it is amazing how many people don't see cheating as a big deal.

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thank you for sharing your eloquent philosophy abbykorinnelee. You make some excellent points. Many people fight fire with fire and retaliate with more cheating. It is usually the only thing that feels properly vengful even it damages the realationship even more. Your comment reminds me of the song "God Bless the Broken Road" and I think you are right that we have to be in the right spot emotionally to accept pure love. Very deep and very interesting thoughts!

jessefutch profile image

jessefutch 4 years ago from North Carolina

I have to say, as a man, that this hub is definitely and clearly written by a woman. I am not saying you are incorrect per se about men, but you are way off base about women. Endless numbers of surveys show that women are at least as likely to cheat as men. Men do not marry a woman because of the way she makes him feel, when women marry because she loves who he is. That is VERY sexist and diminutive to men. Both parties marry because they love the other person. If not, either side is likely to cheat. I was married by a Reverend, and have never cheated on my wife. I married her because I love her. She has always been my best friend. I have too much to lose in my home, family and moral standing to ever cheat. Not to mention I've never even considered it, as I am very happy in my marriage. Adultery is as common as the drive-through is today, which is very, very sad. The fact is however that men and women are both equally likely to cheat in these "modern" times.

abbykorinnelee profile image

abbykorinnelee 4 years ago from Ripon Wisconsin

In the military jessefutch def has a point as more spouses cheat than the deployed soldiers...and women cheat more for emotional reasons that for physical ones which I have been told is the worst kind of cheating. I do agree that both parties marry because they love the other as well, and I don't think all men cheat, just all the men I have had in my life and that would be based on the men I tend to get into relationships with. That would be my problem in choices and a thing that I learned through what I shared above. The first person was a "good" guy...still is and i didn't appreciate that I went for the "bad" boys, the more exciting ones, the ones always on the edge, the ones that I knew didn't share my morals and values...not that is asking to be cheated on but it is a warning sign that they might not share what I do in what I want or expect out of life. Some men though jessefutch don't think the way you first husband never though I would leave because of his cheating. I valued the sanctity of marriage and my vows. I tried to make us work because of all that was right and forgave and moved past nine affairs. He didn't think he would lose his family, his home, his anything because I gave him that stability to make those wrong choices. He did end up losing it and has changed into a man that in his third marriage does know he can lose those things...does know that he lost someone he loved and still says to this day he never would have left me...but knows what he can lose and won't cheat on his wife now. Adultery is so common because I think divorce is so easy. Divorce is viewed like "breaking up" now a days. Things go wrong, they can leave. They don't try to work through things. They don't try to fix themselves. They just say oh well, bye. Not everyone...I don't think this hub is meant to be sexist as it is one view of many. It is great to see what this view is and you have added some other way of looking at it. When you live in a society that is all images of sex, temptation, shows that are actually about being unfaithful, people telling you how to get away with it, religion not being the forefront of people's lives, values are shaky, morals do you expect the majority of society to behave? We have to make that much more of an effort to show our children that despite the temptation we can't hide from them, explain the way that these things are negative, how to be exposed to it is one thing but we still have control to act the way we should. I am not a religious person in the sense of organized relgion...I detest organized relegion, but I am a spiritual person that believes in God and the bible and I do believe I will have to answer to what I have done, this day and age, there is no fear of what God will think when its time to answer to what we have done. Whether its god, a higher power or even your parents...there is no fear for what consequences our actions bring. People don't marry really out of Love most of the time, its infatuation and lust. Your marriage is faithful and your marriage works and your marriage is love because you married with true know what true love is about...most think once that "feeling" goes away and that excitement dies and you sleep on the couch...that its over...and that is when marriage begins I think...when its not easy...when you need to work at it and you need to grow together in it. Just saying, that I don't think the author meant for this to be sexist or one sided...but she is a women, and she is writing from her viewpoint. I respect what she has to say just as I respect yours. I think its great that you have a good angle on it but I think that you are jumping the gun to say its diminutive to men...because its not...the majority of mankind in general is this way...women too...just sayin...

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Hey jessefutch,

I didn't write anywhere that all men cheat. This is hardly an article slanted toward females. This is a look into the type of female that preys on married men. Adultery is as common as a trip to the drive through. This is about those women who cheat with married men for entertainment, money, gifts.. etc.. The finger pointing is dispersed between the type of woman who would do this and the man that gets carried away with it. I am sorry if you took it as a blanket statement that covers all men.

abbykorinnelee profile image

abbykorinnelee 4 years ago from Ripon Wisconsin

I you responded. I think that he misinterpreted it.

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks for sharing that abbykorinnelee. This hub highlights the type of woman that preys on married men and the weakness of married men. I don't think it is one sided. The focus of this article is not women who cheat which is a different article. You are so right that people do marry in that initial phase when everything is new and exciting. When it becomes real, couples start having kids, reality steps in.. then people get bored. To many people have a sense of entitlement in this stage and think that because they bored, or their spouse gains weight or whatever.. they (men and women) can step outside of the marriage and they deserve to do so no matter the cost. You are right, this is where the marriage begins, but people just don't function the same once the infatuation and lust wear off. I think that is an addictive thing to many people who seek that rush and leave for the next rush.. and so on. Sadly, while people are looking for it, they create lives, children, and responsibilities that aren't easily erased when it is time to fulfill these selfish desires. Sadly, you are also right that people aren't always willing to face the consequences of their actions. Most don't think about it until the damage is done. You provide some excellent insight!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author


I think jessefutch may have found offense here because he is probably one of those rare men who is faithful to his wife in mind, body, and soul. I can see why a man like him would be offended. Sadly, that is the type of fellow not to be included in these statistics. I appreciate his convictions and his passion for faithfullness. It is to be applauded.

abbykorinnelee profile image

abbykorinnelee 4 years ago from Ripon Wisconsin

I have been married to 2 of which left us, abandoned us, literally, and was cheating on me with this other women. I lived on an Army post that literally myself and one other waife was faithful in a two block raidus. I saw men move in and out of their houses during soldier deployments, women get pregnant with other men's babies and pass it off as their spouses, I have seen all sorts of disgusting things that I couldn't judge because frankly when its that many, I couldn't begin to understand. He is the rare breed and has what some of us that aren't cheaters are looking for. I have met literally, one man in my life that I know for a fact hasn't cheated...a friend of mine since we were 13. He hasn't but everyone else I know has. I have had them confide it in me as I am alsways closer to men as friends than women. I don't know, but I think he just wants to believe that there are more like him than they are. He should be proud that he is the few. I am the few...the ones't that won't cheat. I wouldn't cheat on a partner ever in the rest of my life. I couldn't hurt them the way I have and I have hurt people, in the past. True love grows out of a solid foundation of friendship, respect, mutual morals and values. It is after you grow and share things you do with a close friend, they become your best friend. Than from that an attraction will slowely grow and there is a different way you see them. You don't have lustful thoughts more like your love starts to grow into more of an unconditional love. That kind of love is not breakable, you won't cheat because you couldn't bear hurting them as you would hurt their pain. You accept things in them you wouldn't of others. You find yourself growing spiritually or whatever with them. It does exist, I had it, I had it with someone that didn't cheat on me but we were 13 and by 18 when we were starting down that road again I freaked out and walked away. Didn't want to get cheated on and hurt by the one person I was that connected to and I didn't talk or see him for 15 years. He just contacted me awhile back...said he knew that I had to leave and learn and grown and one day I would be at a place that I was ready to have that "relationship" or whatever it we call see what happens. He said he would never leave my life no matter what I did...I told him how freaked now I was. He said that he has and always would do anything for me. So, I guess I am saying to jesse is I know it exists...tammy knows its possible..and you shouldn't be offended, you should feel proud because its so rare now.

TycoonSam profile image

TycoonSam 4 years ago from Washington, MI

Tammy Tammy Tammy....You listed a lot of very interesting points. But I do have one question. What are you doing next Friday night?

wink wink

Voted up useful and interesting

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tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Ahh haa Sam. Very funny! Good to see you my friend.

pjlacy5 profile image

pjlacy5 4 years ago from Jefferson, MA

Really great! I've been the other woman and you really nailed it. Thanks!!

Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS

Remember an old saw that went around, "She marries him thinking he'll change; he marries her thinking she won't"? That does say a lot about women's responsibility to stay attractive to him in the way we first presented ourselves and not let the 'tiresome details of living" dim our light. And it certainly behooves us to not marry a guy if we don't like the way he "IS" because he ain't gonna change! There should be at least as much training for a marriage license as there is for buying a car and qualifying for a driver's license!

Tammy, I confess, though, I've never heard a more realistic discussion of what causes the infidelity which too often sets in later. It really made me think!

It isn't necessarily that the little wife isn't sexy enough or flattering enough to his ego. It's just that her brand has become familiar (contradicting the idea that he didn't want her to change!) so that even her efforts to be surprising bear her brand, and that he still seeks and probably needs variety in order to get the old turn-on.

Realistically, there's probably only one sure cure or remedy for infidelity and that is unswerving honor and commitment to fidelity. What a novel idea, right? :-)

The responsibility belongs where it is: with the spouses for the sake of the marriage which they chose freely. Communication is called for there. I wonder how many times the impasse happens because they're just not open about what they need from each other and together. Possibly many problems can be worked out if there is communication. Voila! Another novel idea!

Of course it would help if 'the other person' respected the commitments of those who might be vulnerable to their charms or attractive traits which may simply be mental stimulation & having things in common for which a married partner may be starved and unable to find in their marriage and where communication is limited to what's 'there which is insufficient. It's not the outside person's responsibility to tiptoe and hide his or her nature in order to protect vows for which they weren't consulted. They may not even have flaunted their charm, but may simply be tempting because it exists Obviously the responsibility is on the married partners to be true to their vows anyway.

Again - some very valid reasons for more preparation & care in wisely choosing in the first place. And for simply buckling down once there are children and a life together involved, no matter how it's turned out. Commitments by definition must be respected and temptation resisted by those who made the vows. In a perfect world? Maybe but - well no, merely in an honorable decent one.

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing a comment pjlacy5! I appreciate your honest response.

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author


I think this is the most eloquent and loveliest comment I have ever seen on Hubpages. Your style shines through even in your comments.

I think you are right about choosing wisely in the first place. I don't think anyone should get married unless they have been together for at least two years. Once the man gets tired of the woman's brand as you have wisely pointed out, he can evaluate his true feelings for the woman. Too many people get caught up in that early stage of lust and when it wears off, they are left shaking their heads wondering how they got stuck with someone that they find so boring.

I also think you are right about the communication as well. I think that could be difficult too because a man can't outright tell his wife that he finds her boring and frumpy...well.. when he does it normally isn't well received. I think the honest truths that exist between unhappy couples are too difficult to voice at times.

I really appreciate your wonderful, wise, and thoughtful comment. You are one of those hubbers I would love to have a cup of coffee with. :)

unknown spy profile image

unknown spy 4 years ago from Neverland - where children never grow up.

Geez..all our movies are always about situations like these... :)

Docmo profile image

Docmo 4 years ago from UK

Tammy- you have really dissected the 'men playing away and the women who home wreck' situation so well. Your astute observations on thrill seeking and failing to see the consequences are so true. The psychology of the other woman is laid out here too. Of course there will be circumstances where unhappy marriages fail for a reason ... there is plenty to reflect here in your hub.

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks so much for your comment Docmo. It is such a complex situation. I appreciate your visit.

Kathleen Cochran profile image

Kathleen Cochran 4 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

Stress. In my experience people tend to cheat when their life's situation become too stressful, unless they are just recreational cheaters.

You tackled a situation many face at least once in their lifetime, and you did a thorough job. There is much to be considered about this topic and most people find themselves in these situations for the very reason that they haven't considered much of anything.

frogyfish profile image

frogyfish 4 years ago from Central United States of America

Realistic observations here, spoken in a a valid and interesting article. Need to minimize it, print, hand it out at the office! Ha! Thanks for a great share here!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks frogyfish. Yikes.. there must be lots of extracurricular activities at your work place!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina Author


You make a very valid point about stress. I can see how that can be a big contributer to infedility. Thanks so much for sharing your insight and for commenting.

lovedoctor926 4 years ago

You make very good points. Men look for different women to satisfy their needs unlike women who only need one man to satisfy all of their needs. I think it was in ABC News where I heard that there is actually a gene responsible for cheating. At least that is what scientists have confirmed.

Sueswan 4 years ago

I am not married but if my husband cheated on me there would be no second chances because I wouldn't be able to trust him.

Voted up and interesting

Take care :)

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 3 years ago from North Carolina Author

I hadn't heard about the gene. Yikes! Thanks for stopping by and reading lovedoctor.

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 3 years ago from North Carolina Author

Excellent point Sueswan. I feel the same way. The one thing that destroys love is the fact that you can no longer trust a person. Trust is so vital. Thanks so much for stopping by.

regretme 3 years ago

Sometimes the other woman has never done that before and found herself in a vulnerable state with a similar person who was also unhappy.. Sometimes, its not about money, sex, power, control, etc...sometimes its about lonliness and despair, and a few years ago I would have been thumping this bandwagon along with everybody else, but rarely are things ever black or white.... We need to be careful not to sterotype every situation, and I'm not being stupid enough to believe that there are many that fit the bill of this article to a T, but its not always the case.. Sometimes, 2 good people, can do a bad thing...doesn't mean they are bad people...

vespawoolf profile image

vespawoolf 3 years ago from Peru, South America

It's sad that many affairs happen in the workplace. And what a selfish woman it takes to seek out an already attached man just for the convenience and to have no strings attached! We need to think first about how our actions will affect others. An interesting read, Tammy.

TToombs08 profile image

TToombs08 3 years ago from Somewhere between Heaven and Hell without a road map.

Tammy, this goes straight to the bone. My current hubby was a type T personality and made the mistake thinking I was stupid. Well, he got more than he bargained for. :) We'll just leave it at that. Well done. Shared. Good job!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 3 years ago from North Carolina Author

Yikes TToombs. I am glad that I am not a T type personality. They usually stay away from me because I am low key. But, these people seem to struggle with needing their next "fix." They should always be held accountable for their actions. Thanks for reading!

midget38 profile image

midget38 3 years ago from Singapore

A married man, as you pointed out, represents more stability sometimes to the other woman. And yes, they can be very aggressive!! Good points raised, Tammy, and I share.

Barbara Kay profile image

Barbara Kay 3 years ago from USA

This was interesting and you covered the subject well. Good job!

Rfordin profile image

Rfordin 3 years ago from Florida

Very interesting read and analysis on the serial homewrecker. You are 100% spot on when you mention it's the thrill of the chase. The cheater often ends up the cheatee in the end but it's the thrill that is addicting.

Thoroughly enjoyed this hub.


abbykorinnelee profile image

abbykorinnelee 3 years ago from Ripon Wisconsin

My first husband cheated because it became a habit. I didn't confront it and once I did kept staying and not making us go to therapy, or put down any consequences. I had a great marriage otherwise and he began to feel I would never leave. So he kept doing it. He did stop two years before the end of our marriage but by than I had started wanting someone who wouldn't cheat on me and one rumor came up (later finding out it wasn't true go figure) and I left. I divorced him and gave him no chance to rectify the situation. I don't regret it now because I had desearved better but I shouldn't have done that than. He wasn't actually cheating for those tw years but I established a cycle in myself too and I needed to break it. Looking back I should have accepted therapy for us like he finally asked for but I also don't think it would have mattered, the damage was done.

The second husband did it because he was drunk. He was afraid I would find out (as I did really quick as a matter of fact) and he set it up to look like I was the one cheating. He was in the Army and so was the soldier he cheated with and they were both married. Had myself or the other spouse been able to prove the affair there went their careers. Neither of us would have done that we both wanted to save our marriage but they were also deploying together and ended up making in a regular thing so divorce was what he pushed for because too many people found out about the infedelity. He made it all my fault and he got abusive ...I think with him cheating was a control thing...I am not really sure on that one.

I cheated before, when I found out they were cheating I cheated back. I think for both genders there are so many reasons that people cheat.

Learning in Life profile image

Learning in Life 3 years ago from SW Florida

I think this is very valid for women who cheat as well.

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 3 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks so much for reading and commenting Becky!

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 3 years ago from North Carolina Author

Wow Abbykorinnelee. You have been through a lot. I agree with you that there are many reasons people cheat. It can be hard to not get stuck in a destructive behavior pattern in relationships that makes provisions for cheating. Thank you for reading and sharing your story.

lovedoctor926 3 years ago

You made very good points. voted up!

Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 3 years ago from Southern Clime

I rarely read stories of women who date married men and maintain the upper hand in the relationship. Since most cheating husbands do not leave their wives, the other woman usually experiences a rude awakening when she realizes that she is between a rock and a hard place. Both can leave bruises.

Even if the type of woman you have described feels that she has the better position compared to the slave-maid wife, I know that she doesn't. I was such a wife, but I could sleep at night because I never offended any woman in this way, but I have born the tears of women on my shoulder who needed someone to lean on when they were trying to change their adulterous lives due to a change of heart. These hard women usually see precisely what they have done to themselves at the end of their road. "Every road has got to end somewhere."

When it is over, even if bed-hopping lasts until they are old and undesirable, they will have time to reflect back on their lives, and they will not see anything pretty about their deeds. They will know that they were being used as well as using. Unless they remain hardhearted, unloving, and selfish, they will regret what they did to themselves, other woman, and especially innocent children. Many of the personal stories of regret and a sense of loss can be found everywhere, even on HubPages.

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 3 years ago from North Carolina Author

That is profound Levertis. Thanks for reading and for sharing your experiences.

harshad kapoor 3 years ago from Jaipur, Rajasthan, India

I think that physical side of love should not be given prefrance because it causes emotional damage to one who is cheated either man or women and it is also the source of increasing rate of crimes like rape.

frozenink profile image

frozenink 3 years ago

Very practical points. I think this offers good insights on why women cheat as well. Anyway, I personally think that a marriage should not consists of only emotions or excitement, in which when they're absent spouses have that tendency to cheat.

ishwaryaa22 profile image

ishwaryaa22 3 years ago from Chennai, India

An insightful & well-analyzed hub! I agree with your valid points concerning the mentality of both the married men & other women. Here it is quite common - only worse. The married men abandon their wives & kids and marry the other women which is indeed upsetting! Once again, a wonderfully-presented hub! Well-done!

Thanks for SHARING. Awesome & Interesting. Voted up & shared

tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 3 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks for commenting iswaryaa22. I think the problem is so bad in the United States because there are so few morals. Women used to be shamed for dating married men, now they pretty much flaunt it. In the good old days, it would be an issue of pride for a man to live off a woman and now it is commonplace. Sounds like this is a world-wide issue. Thanks for stopping by!

lovedoctor926 3 years ago

voting up awesome & useful. such truth here.

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tammyswallow 3 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks for stopping by lovedoctor926!

jainismus profile image

jainismus 3 years ago from Pune, India

This is happening all over world. If it is a common problem in many, it might be a genetic problem.

Great Hub, shared with followers.

DDE profile image

DDE 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

You have mentioned all valuable points here and did a good research on the topic, I so agree with you.

bizna profile image

bizna 3 years ago from NAIROBI - KENYA

I love your hub. Many are really going through a rough time especially women. Infidelity is so painful to stomach and he will never win your trust again. You can never forget about it however much you forgive your spouse. The worst is if he confessed and was so sorry about it then you catch him a second time. At this point he probably does not deserve you and should be set free to meet the bitch he deserves.

Billy 3 years ago

it is much more of the women nowadays that certainly do cheat much more than us men do, especially after having my wife of 15 years that did.

WebWatcher Review 3 years ago

Have you ever thought about publishing an ebook or guest authoring on other blogs? I have a blog based on the same subjects you discuss and would really like to have you share some stories/information. I know my audience would appreciate your work. If you are even remotely interested, feel free to send me an e mail.

Crabby Abby 3 years ago

I'm a single, attractive woman in her thirties. Having recently been propositioned by a man who has a significant other, I can tell you that my reality is very different from what you've presented in your article. Not all woman who are involved with a taken man are gold diggers or selfish. The man in question was not honest with me about the fact that he was in a long term relationship. As soon as I discovered that he had an SO, I was out of there as fast as I could--I have absolutely no intention of being the other woman in any relationship and feel guilty and disgusted with myself for having any involvement with him whatsoever. Does that make me a gold digger or selfish, like your article suggests? No. I was deceived by someone who I was stupid enough to trust and broke it off as soon as I found out, suffering a lot of hurt, anger and heartbreak along the way. How about a little compassion, hmm?

xstatic profile image

xstatic 3 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

Fascinating and concise study of a problem that plagues a lot of marriages.

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tammyswallow 3 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks for reading xstatic!

Betrayed 3 years ago

Crabby Abbey-I don't think the article was referring to women who were deceived or tricked. I think it was referring to women who consciously go after married men.

bisnar6665 profile image

bisnar6665 3 years ago from Irvine, California

Interesting hub! I think different people cheat for different reasons. If you can't handle being in a relationship, make the responsible decision and become single! There is nothing wrong with playing the field if you're not ready for a commitment.

Voted up!

Sheera 3 years ago

If we weren't so afraid to talk to our partners - maybe we'd all realize we all feel the same. Everyone thinks the feelings they have are only theirs , must mean my relationship is over - let your friends know you feel the same and that's ok . Relationships are marathons not sprints ; you hit some potholes but recover. And then you remember why you fell in love.

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tammyswallow 3 years ago from North Carolina Author

That is very eloquent and very true Sheera!

Express10 profile image

Express10 3 years ago from East Coast

This excellent hub has certainly touched a nerve! I have worked with or attend college with women and girls who proudly proclaim "I'll take your man." Married or not, they do not care. You're holding hands with him or engaged, they do not care. Which prompts me to ask, who in the world would raise their daughter to think this is acceptable behavior and what men would really think that the woman will not move on to her next mark when she gets bored? When I've asked the reasoning behind this way of thinking, they go to extremes either getting mad/angry or cut to the chase and say getting money out of him or simply the "fun" of the taboo is what they seek. Then, I'm disgusted and keep my distance as a (real) woman.

Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 2 years ago from Southern Clime

Most people seem to think that men have the upper hand in cheating relationships, but your hub shows the women with the uper hand. This happens, but the men are usually clueless. I have seen such women lose interest in men when they are captured and become putty. They move on to the next guy without caring about anyone getting caught in the crossfire. It is not unusual to see men hurt in relationships gone bad. So, some women are hunters, too.

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Tammy.....I see this hub is on it's second time around. This is good, because I'm happy to comment again. Something I didn't mention the 1st. time around.......I have my own personal attitude about "cheating."

This may sound crazy, especially coming from the strong feminist (and I AM that)....but I place a heavier portion of the BLAME for cheating upon the WOMAN. My reason is simple.

Short of "rape" (Heaven forbid) men can flirt, compliment, dangle diamonds, brown nose and attempt to woo a woman....but the reality is, unless she says, "Yes," and responds by giving AFFAIR cannot happen.

I would go further by suggesting that if she starts out believing he is single.....but soon finds out he's married.....she needs to have enough smarts, self-respect and consideration for his "family" exit immediately. Someone HAS to be the good guy.

One might ask me, "What about the single or married woman who boldly makes the first move & goes after a married man?"

Well, now there's a silly question.......When it comes to $ are most definitely the weaker $ex......when trial samples are being given out, they WILL stand in line. They rarely "think," "consider," nor "worry.".......because the little head does not have those functions.

So, I rest my case. WOMEN need to be the stronger, smarter, kinder ones.

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tammyswallow 2 years ago from North Carolina Author

I totally agree with you Levertis. It takes two to tango!! Thanks for visiting.

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tammyswallow 2 years ago from North Carolina Author

It is great to see you Fpherj48. I agree with you 100%. It breaks my heart that instead of supporting one another, so many women tear each other apart by this and many other bad behavoirs. Women could do so much more for each other. Thank you for stopping by and sharing this bit of wisdom.

The Other Woman 2 years ago

I don't like that you made it seem as though all women who are with a married man are horrible creatures. I'm not sure if you meant this, but I was the other woman for a while, and the man did everything he could to make it seem as though he loved me, and that he was only with his wife because she was emotionally unstable and very dependant. I shouldn't have believed him, and I feel horrible, especially when I started talking to the wife and found out he was lying just to get in my pants. I think a lot of people don't stop to think that maybe the horrible other woman can also be a victim. The man I was with did EVERYTHING he could to make me feel sorry for him, he made me trust him, had me believing that he loved me. Then when his wife found out, and I told him it was over, he said we just had to be more careful, when that didn't work, it was, well I still care a lot about you, we can still be friends. Then he wanted to know if I would be with him if she left him. I said no. THEN when she found out about that, he told her I was still hung up on him, and that he was just trying to slowly get rid of me. Then he just ignored me all together, which was fine, except he was such a coward about it, and didn't have the nerve to just stop talking to me, he had to lie to me some more first. So....not all of the other women out there are bad people. Some are just fooled and heartbroken.

Express10 profile image

Express10 2 years ago from East Coast

Being the other woman (or man) is foolish and selfish. I refuse to have empathy or understanding for these people because their very actions show they don't have empathy or understanding for others. A person in any relationship should be mindful enough to actually ask and make sure their love interest has no other relationships. Yes, cheaters do lie but at some point I would imagine many people would experience clues that would tell them the true nature of the relationship they are in...a bad one and staying after this is known shows their true colors.

There's a couple that I went to high school with. The female was the best friend of a friend of mine on the cheer squad. The couple was lovey dovey until the girl's best friend decided she wanted her friend's man. The lowlife was with the male lowlife, sleeping with him, while her best friend was. Eventually the truth came out and the mistress "won" the loser over. Years later they are married, very overweight, experiencing a very tight financial situation, and are absolutely miserable while my friend who was slighted is happier than ever without them both. KARMA!

Stereotypes 2 years ago

Express 10.....You can't say that every man or woman who sleeps with a married person is selfish, or that they lack empathy. I personally used to find women who stayed with cheating men to be weak and needy, but now I realize that every single situation is very different. You are entitled to your own opinion, but trying to put every person into these little boxes with labels causes a lot of damage too. And you shouldn't be proud and happy at another's misfourtune. Seems like you're the only one who lacks empathy.

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tammyswallow 2 years ago from North Carolina Author

Thanks for your response The Other Woman. I agree with what you are saying. I think that some people who set out to cheat lack empathy and actually seek out others who are lonesome or vulnerable. I hope you have moved on and things are better for you! :)

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tammyswallow 2 years ago from North Carolina Author

Express and Stereotypes,

Thank you for sharing your opinions. I think utlimately, women who choose to stay with a man that cheats must have some sort of issues with her own self-esteem. No matter why she chooses to be with a taken man, she obviously does not feel worthy of finding something that is hers and hers alone. Whether she stays because she wants a part time relationship or because she is emotionally weak, there is some defect in her mentality. I don't think any man or woman that enters this type of relationship can expect a happy ending.

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Express10 2 years ago from East Coast

I agree Tammy, the term issues covers all the bases. And to Stereotypes, I do not have empathy for those who don't practice it, especially in these situations which have and continue to destroy families and some people's lives. I speak from seeing foolishness and selfishness in action but agree the term issues covers all the bases. Another's misfortune doesn't make me happy, I don't live for that because I have a life and I find happiness in many other people and life experiences.

Stereotypes 2 years ago

Oh my god...ok. Well, regardless of how you veiw the "other woman," I think that our attention should maybe be more focused on the man. The other woman didn't promise the wife anything. She made no commitment to the wife, she is not the one betraying. It's the cheating spouse who made the biggest mistake. Even if the other woman said no, there are a million women in the world, and expecting the decision to be on her alone is unfair to men and women. The married man has the power to not cheat, and he's the dirtbag who broke his commitment to his wife. The other woman, even if you think badly of her, didn't betray you, it was your man. Put the anger where it's deserved.

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Express10 2 years ago from East Coast

Sorry for my incredibly late response Stereotypes. I thought it could go without saying that the one who committed to another but cheated should get the anger. However, it is silly to ignore the saying that is true, "it takes two." Further, if the other woman is unaware or bold enough to be in the same place with the wife or girlfriend, I'd take no issue with said wife or gf telling her what damage they have helped to create. I understand where you're coming from Stereotypes. However, if there are two people making a mistake, should both not learn from it?

Tammy made an excellent point about self-esteem and the lack of it is commonly seen in one or sometimes both cheaters. Tammy also correctly mentioned that some women tear other women apart with this type of behavior and I agree. You state there are a million women in the world and allude to the reality that if one woman doesn't cheat with a taken man that many others will. Therein lies the problem, too many people who don't think they are above, let alone worth more than that (both female and male). Self-esteem.

dkhaired1 19 months ago

1. A man who truly loves his wife, will not cheat. 2. Not all women who get involved with the "other woman" are as you keep labeling them hungry animals on some hunt to take over and "steal" some other woman's man. 3. The Other Woman is also lied to as well and you can't "steal" someone who doesn't want to be "stolen". Yes, we do provide what is missing "at home" and they do come to us to feed their own self ego and are cowards as well. Instead of going home and "FIX IT" they come to us. We are told all kinds of private, personal stories and know more about "your man" than you do perhaps as the "trust" us with their emotions as we can't touch them financially or hurt them without hurting ourselves or they withdraw from us. Yes there are TONS of women who seek out married men, attached men and men in LTR for sex ONLY. It is safe they can not have to do their dirty laundry nor put up with them and can 'use' them and send them "home". But many of us who are The Other Woman are no different than you. Good hearted, secure, careers, home, kids and are stable and loving. We get "used" as well only by the time we "get it" we are "in love" with your man. Then HE controls it all.......and has his cake and can eat it too. Real simple. It's all about the man......and his ego and dog instinct for the thrill of the chase. We (other woman) get hurt deeply, lose our integrity and our self esteem which is what we had plenty of when "HE" met us. They never leave their wives/girlfriends/domestic partners......they come to the Lane of Escape (our home/bed/life) and then when they get caught or whatever, it is 'US" who is left empty handed. And broken. So don't blame "the other woman"......put the blame where it belongs. On the CHEATER ........and they come in both and women.

unrequited love 19 months ago

regrettably i was the other woman 2012 i decided to join a couple of dating sites as my divorce was finalized..i had not dated in over a quarter of a century and was apprehensive yet excited about my new journey.. i longed for new friendships and someone to love...NOT AN EASY TASK...i was contacted by a married man and told him i was seeking someone unattached as i would never be "the other woman"...( oddly i was "the other woman" throughout my entire long marriage) .. he claimed he understood yet continued to contact me.. we became pen pals and emailed each other dozens of times a day.. we wrote volumes to one another sharing so many parts of our lives including our relationships with friends and former lovers, our marriages, disappointments, successes, children, hopes and dreams, our fears...ours was an "emotional affair" which transcended any relationship i've ever had with a man... i thought i found my soulmate.. he told me he was ending his marriage in a matter of months ... something he had planned on for several years... he begged me to believe him and offered me the world.. he claimed he was not the "usual suspect" and professed his love for me.. he was highly intelligent, well educated, sensitive, charming, jealous, caring, generous in every way (or so i thought), reflective, romantic, sexy and mature.. i was 56 and he was 62.. not kids but mature adults who happened to love one another.. after six months of emails and calls we finally met.. i felt i knew him all my life and our chemistry was strong.. i dreamt of him every minute and waited for every call and letter.. i was in love..he professed his love for me every day and gave me a time frame of a matter of months before he left his marriage.. i counted the days and imagined our lives together.. he assured me that his wife was well aware of their demise and would be financially and emotionally secure.. and oh yes.. he said they hadn't had sex in two years, she was unappreciative, fat , spoiled , lazy and an alcoholic and lousy mother and wife... as our time frame approached he started to withdraw.. claimed his wife needed six months of treatment for something she was born with.. he stopped making plans to see me but always expressed his desire for me.. i was being strung along.. and so was his wife.. he was too cowardly to do a graceful exit and be honest.. he convinced me to have two elective surgeries to keep me occupied in his absence..on the night of my second surgery, waking up in pain and alone, i emailed him and ended our affair.. i regretted it the next day and tried to contact him.. i never heard from him again.. he vanished hiding behind the very woman, his wife, that he bitterly complained about.. i believed every word that he said


nolove 13 months ago

Great article

TheTruth 10 months ago

Most women are the biggest Cheaters today since these days many women are Cheating on their husbands with another woman, then again that is a different story.

Tamara 2 months ago

Something that I bet most of us wish we had read at one time or another.

Elizabeth olanrewaju 8 weeks ago

Some women are devilish trying to reap where they did not sow.

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